witheringawayyylmao

[witheringawayyylmao]

this is my favorite tik tok account

[witheringawayyylmao]

Having an eating disorder as you get older really fucks with you. Like, you aren't in high school anymore so being skinny won't make you "popular", there's no crush to lose weight for, you have less time and energy to exercise, and you realize more and more that you will die if you don't recover. You mourn the years you lost because you felt as though you were too fat to do anything and the romanticization aspect that comes with this and makes some of the worst shit bearable is gone because hating yourself isn't cute after a certain age and you know that no one will "save" you and that if you don't get help you'll end up dead.

[witheringawayyylmao]

I am hideous and nobody will want me for anything. I'm ready to die. I can't wait to go.

[witheringawayyylmao]

I'm so sick of fighting for my fucking life. Every day I keep trying to do things that won't fuck me over the next day provided that I don't commit suicide the night before (i.e.; go to class, do my homework, show up to work, fucking shower, etc) only for my happiest mood to be "okay". I am literally trying to claw my way out of a box where the ceiling is miles above me and nobody can see me suffering.

I can't get help. I cannot afford to be hospitalized, nor do I want to be talked down to and treated like trash by nurses and doctors who could give less of a shit about me, just like the last two times. If I get hospitalized, I will fail the semester and not graduate community college on time, all while hearing about how much of a failure I am from my family. I already have gotten into a university. I cannot fuck this up.

I try to do things that make me happy. I really do. I force myself to go out, I buy myself things I want, I see a therapist twice a week, but I really have no friends and no partner. I am miserable and lonely and at the end of each day I find myself crying about just how lonely and miserable I am, and how my life is just school and work. Even now I'm crying as I write this post.

Even so, when I am content for a little bit, something that's much more opposite of what made me feel okay occurs. (For example: I get ice cream, and I'm alright, then I get news that someone's died. I wish I was joking.)

I am constantly juggling intense suicidal ideation and an eating disorder on the daily, at almost all times (work, school, doing things to make me happy, etc.) along with a ton of outside forces in my life that makes me feel the way I do that, unfortunately, cannot be changed.

I cannot tell people how I feel in depth, because i don't want to burn them out, and it's all unfixable. The best anyone can do is say "I'm sorry to hear that." Why bother saying anything? Plus, people have their own shit to deal with.

Hotlines don't help either. Believe it or not, an emergency first model that consists of mainly volunteers who have little training that will tell you to "take a hot bath" and elderly people with different values that will just be condescending or brush off your feelings doesn't help! Go figure!

I can't keep doing this any more. It feels like I'll never be happy, no matter what I do.

I'm think death might be the best option for me.

If I do anything, I'm sorry.

[witheringawayyylmao]

every day I step on my silly little scale and want to jump off my silly little roof

[witheringawayyylmao]

Honestly, I’m at my best when my ed is at it’s worst. My room is clean, I dress nice, I wash my face more, I whiten my teeth, I wear makeup, I do my hair. For some reason the only thing that pulls my out of my depression spiral is my ed and the only thing that pulls me out of my ed is my depression. Idk if anyone else feels like that? Idk I just always feel better when I’m losing weight and excersizing and not eating. Idk maybe it’s my body thinks I’m finally being healthy? But I’m not? So… idk, it’s just really weird.

[witheringawayyylmao]

May your gummy multivitamins and monster ultra give you the strength to run from the police

[witheringawayyylmao]

Nobody:

Me: I have to be the skinniest bitch in this Walmart

[witheringawayyylmao]

I love it when my coworkers joke about how much I eat. Like, high-key they just snapped me back to reality, and the reality is I need to eat a salad or start counting calories again or something. Also they made Kurt really sad :( I hate when people do that.

[witheringawayyylmao]

Me reminding myself why I can't fit any of the clothes I want:

[witheringawayyylmao]

[witheringawayyylmao]

[witheringawayyylmao]

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[witheringawayyylmao]

me in the evening: i’m under my limit today so i guess i can have something small

me: *binges*

[witheringawayyylmao]

[witheringawayyylmao]

Me: I'm gonna restrict and do good:))

Also me: