wizardofflaws

[wizardofflaws]

I'm going to die soon!! Hooray!! 🎈🎉 🎈

That means I'll release my final diary (or memoir?) hopefully very soon if I can prevent my perfectionism getting the better of me. I hope someone out there learns something from my mistakes. Wherever you all are.

Everything is so lonely and deserted.

It's weird-- even when I talk to people, I feel like I'm made of glass. Others can probably pick up on how empty I am inside. My eyes are uncanny. Like a doll's eyes but attached to a person. When I look at other people's eyes, I can see them thinking, perceiving, wondering, or yearning. I see the soul inside. I wonder if that's what I looked like, once... I'm kind of jealous! I'd like to pluck them out, and eat them to see if I can somehow absorb some of that humanity for myself the way ogres and trolls do in fairy tales. Maybe they do it because they're like me. Maybe they're hopelessly empty, too, and living as nothing more than automatons who are alive for no other reason than that their brains and biological programming demand them to "eat, sleep, shit, and repeat" everyday until their hearts give out from old age. Maybe they ended up that way because they, too, once believed they were worthy of love and happiness until the rug was pulled out from under them and they realized they were nothing, all along.

I am nothing. I always was. I can't believe I thought for a single second that I was ever worth anything or that someone could actually love me. Why would I ever be so lucky? I do have lots of things other people covet, however. Yet, I can't see past it because my existence is mired in trauma and foreboding for what I couldn't prevent no matter what. I knew I wouldn't make it, in the back of my mind. As a child, something told me I'd die young. I thought it was because of my chosen career, but it was just in my DNA the whole time. I yearn for the darkness on the other side. The growing void inside me calls to be united with its source. There's nowhere to go from here, than to hell where I've been descending towards since the day I fell downwards out of my mother's womb.

I don't think there's very many people like me but, if you are, maybe my pathetic story can offer some inspiration. It would be one of those things where you see someone living an existence so shitty, you're then scared into never wanting to end up like them. So D.A.R.E for su*cidal folks, if you will. Anyways, if you're seeing this, please wish me a happy death-day 🥀. If everything goes according to plan, I'll be joining the 27 club before I can actually become the 27-year-old man I never wanted to be.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading.

[wizardofflaws]

I'm embarrassed to be a twin sometimes. Everyone in my family is so cringy and weird, come to think of it. Sounds evil but I'm glad I ran away.

[wizardofflaws]

I'm such a loser. Why am I still thinking about her? Why does it hurt everyday. Why am I buckling now? I've been ignoring the anguish for years at this point.

[wizardofflaws]

How the actual FUCK do you get over someone who never loved you, that you loved? I feel like I'm going crazy.

[wizardofflaws]

Poopoo peepee Christmas

[wizardofflaws]

Having a ginormous, unchecked ego is probably the unsexiest thing ever and yet I unknowingly had one for years. I hope this means I've glown up since then. If not, that means I'm old AND arrogant

[wizardofflaws]

I've hesitated about posting for a long while or deleted my posts over and over but, I suppose the cyberspace we all share is so saturated that hardly anyone will see what I yell I to the void and in a way, there's proof I was here.