wockerina

[wockerina]

He is transferring.

i guess its for the best, i don't really have much here but imagine if i planted my seeds in someone elses soil again. im too young. im too naive and prone to heartbreak.

I will undoubtedly miss him. ill miss the smell of him, the taste of him, ill miss how he would whisper my name when he wakes up(when i wake him up). I will miss his harsh morning breath and his soft words. his hard hands grazing my soft skin.

i wont dwell too much. i just kinda wish my way would have come sooner. i wish i would've opened up sooner i just didn't feel emotionally safe doing so. i wish so much. i wish i could have more time. we were in the shower together on shrooms and he said "we're running out of time." I know i will have you for the summer months but i dont think we will last a month when you are far.

I wont say anything to stop you. if anything i want you to go.

you said something about "eliminating distractions"

my ex called me a distraction for a while. i didn't like hearing the word tip toe off your tongue but you don't know all this.

anyways, i dont want to distract you. i dont want you to distract me. you want to teach children and i want to practice medicine. you are attracted to my brain and i am to your heart.

its sad that meeting people at this age almost confirms the fact that you guys have very very limited time

[wockerina]

Life Update

back at work postin to tumbles

we spend every night together, and we just kiss and cuddle and giggle. its weird feeling this way for someone again.

Its weird being able to acknowledge the shit I once held in my heart for you is now for him. Its so familiar, the spread of the smile and the gust behind the laugh.

The only thing missing is you

not to say i miss you, you and all your women will never have room in my life to burn it down again. I won't let you.

Sometimes I catch myself wishing it was you, solely because i spent the better half of the years i can remember rolling with you. Younger me was so hopelessly devoted to you, your love, your drama. I feel like if she knew it was over as soon as high school ended, she would see no point in going on. You kept me going.

The difference between me and her is that now I keep me going.

Sometimes my insatiable heart gets envious knowing you are moving on, knowing you're holding someone how you held me. Except i was the character development, the story that taught you loss and how to love.

Its a silly selfish thing, its not you I want. It is not your love (that was never mine to keep anyways). I think know its more so one of those I would rather be unforgettable, i want to be so immersive that your heart couldn't fathom even considering anyone else.

I would rather be bland and forgettable than the one to you.

I am more than happy where i am, i feel safe and steady. Like im finally doing it right, even if it is wrong.

Plus, this guy only has like 4 months left of me.

He is transferring.

Sad as it is to say, it is what it is. I can elaborate on it in its own post.

[wockerina]

It's getting harder to understand, to understand How you felt in my hands, in my hands

[wockerina]

At Work

thinking about things as i should be.

I wonder what to do

i mean, you are all i can think about

but i dont like you like a boyfriend

i kiss you and i hold you. ill talk to you all day every day from when i wake to when i go to bed

but you are not mine to keep

youll leave soon

and then you might possibly tell your future son about a girl you knew in college

but i doubt

im not unrealistic, i dont need to have some big standing in your life because you dont in mine

but this is nice for now

through all the chaos

you are the calm under the waves

[wockerina]

[wockerina]

“ But why would he do all of this if all along he felt absolutely nothing“

men will push as far as you Let them. It all comes so easy to them, the games. because to them they aren’t games just a simple pleasures and you lose your humanity become simply a door of the things they want to indulge in. to you it might mean so much more and if it means so much to you and you think it means something to him but you don’t know, that means absolutely nothing

because if it meant something hed let you know

[wockerina]

maybe if I gave you head youd let me stay

I don’t know if you noticed but it’s the first time I ever turned you down sexually

 and I’m being kicked out at 2 AM

rest assured you won’t be seeing much more of me

[wockerina]

i’ve had a really bad to relapse and now she’s begging me to eat

I don’t like when people do things like that it’s just an emotional turn off like I’m really struggling with this don’t force me

this girl walked into my room looked at my phone saw me ordering food and said “can you stop” and visibly reenacted this 😭😫😟🫣

😶‍🌫️

[wockerina]

when I was younger I wrote this about my groomer

why is it still so applicable to my love life now

you’ve left me now, I never forget anyone I’ve met but I can promise I’ll forget you. I almost wish it was different. But you were nothing to me. You could’ve been everything, you taught me how to put a Band-Aid on my bleeding heart. You taught me how to be strong when I’d be weak. You taught me so much about inner strength that I’ll never be able to thank you for. But I never loved you. I never thought about you when I woke up. In fact, when I heard your name you were the second person I thought of. I’ll never love you. This might seem brutal, but you don’t care. you are strong and unheld. you don’t love me, you don’t love anyone. That’s why our arrangement was so perfect. Like a teacher and a student. Except the teacher had a crush on the student. And the student knew they could never like the teacher back because of the power dynamic. You may have taught me a lot but there’s still so much to know. You already know it and I don’t. That’s what makes liking you so dangerous. you chased me for months if I ever even thought of liking you, you’d be gone. all our messages are in grey. You begging to call me, I eventually pick up. At first, it started off with me begging you. But after you taught me I didn’t need to anymore. i’ll forever be grateful for everything you did for me, but I also hope I never see you again.

[wockerina]

i feel at peace with my decision

i feel okay letting you go

i’ve come to choose myself

and i once again don’t care if it’s selfish or sick

i once again feel like me

you looked me in my eyes and

although on a surface level it meant nothing

you looked me in my eyes and asked

and it’s true meaning was encoded in every stutter

because you were nervous i’d explode

or implode

but i in the least hateful spiteful resentful way

have let go of my hold on you

i’ve given up my seat at the table

put my name and all of our memories in archives

[wockerina]

i’m done reaching out first

i’m done reaching out at all

I want to fade into the background

like a dying star

[wockerina]

I have no pity for you

Why should I feel bad

You do nothing but hurt

Not yourself but others

Popping pills like balloons

Exploding organs like bombs

Splatter that shit everywhere

Shit yourself in the process

I want to fuck like an animal

I want to feel your insides

Keep me away from my grave

I’ll fuck you if you let me fall in

I stopped loving you

You smell like warm

you feel like summer

I miss your taste

The worst part is that I remember everything

i want to forget

My head is full of broken thoughts

Death spells spill from my teeth

as if you left a ghost on top of me

One final haunting from you

One last way for you to hurt me

does it feel nice?



It’s cold as hell

I loathe your face

I want to destroy you

Slit your wrists like paper

Drown you in acid

Seeing your skin dissolve

Flame up your house

Fuck those you love

But I have one thing left to say

When I see you it reminds me of a phrase

I want you to be happy

I love you with all my heart

[wockerina]

I am not tethered

Not yet

Not ever

I exist exclusively outside your gaze

I belong to myself now

You will not keep me here,

In fear and in folly

And I, I will not stay

Though I am weary of what awaits me

No!

Let me rise, now

The strength of my atonement and courage

Will protect me

As I wonder into a page without your expectations of failure.

Yes!

I choose to be free.

[wockerina]

Who am I? Who am I trying to be?

Not myself, anyone but myself.

Living in a fantasy to bury the reality,

Making myself the mystery,

A strong facade disguising the misery

-CARA DELVIGNE

[wockerina]

thinking of you

i can feel my organs sloshing around my body

the room spins as i sit up

the lights dim and everything speeds up

my heart has a sudden urge to run

to run and scream as loudly as it can

maybe to tell me something

something you wont

something you hide from me

my left eye twitches

i sit down and the room has stopped spinning

but you haven’t

you’re spinning and spinning

going going gone

you’re gone aren’t you

you’re here but

you’re gone

im losing my vision

is it tears or the signs and symptoms of something

[wockerina]

“Sure whatever you say. I’m just really tired of even thinking about this whole thing rn. i am tired of you again.”

i was a normal girl before i met you. or as close ad normal as i’d get. i was sad but i wouldve gotten over it. you found me at a vulnerable state of heartbreak. you promised me a future and all this shit. you played the ideal lover to a 15 year old who could barely grasp the concept of love. you used me and treated me horribly. then you left like i was nothing. everytime you feel like nothing you come back to me like im some safe haven for your pedophilic ass. you said that you left because that would be better for me. that you were not good for me. do you not find it selfish that you’ve returned? i told you before i could never hate you but i was wrong. i have never hated anyone, but elias i hate you. you made me so sad i wanted to take my own life! i searched for you for months! then you just throw yourself into my life because youre just “living” and that’s made you, bored i assume? youre so fucking bored because all you have is a starter business pre workout and viagras. watching streams and teenage girls online like a fucking creep! i hate you. i hate you i hate you i hate you. i hate you so much my vision is blurring. never contact me again you fucking degenerate. you fucking loser. i hate you!!!!

“Trust me I know I did wrong. And sure I’m all of that which you just called me. I’m not the most happy person either, we all have mental problems I guess. I just don’t let things get to me I guess? I am really sorry I have hurt you in this way, you have all right to hate me. I even hate myself. I hope you truly find that person who will show you the wonderful things that life has to offer. I hope you follow your dreams and I hope you keep going after this. It was never my intention that it would turn out like this. But I am now realizing how miserable my life is and I gotta do something about it. “

so i said “yeah whatever shut up and die”