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[woman-moment-fr]

Living is getting harder but also that’s like, totally cool

Being an adult sucks. I’ll be 20 this year. That’s nothing in the grand scale of things. Everyone seems eager to let me know that. 

You realise how terribly difficult it is to be grown when you’re sitting with your room mates, high out of your mind, wondering what the point of it all is. Not necessarily in a depressing way, but more like looking at the present moment as if it were a memory. What’s the point? Do I really need to be in uni? Can’t I just marry some guy and call it a day? I say this all as if I have some great scope of the difficulties life throws at you, and obviously, I don’t. But I’m just so sick of being lonely and miserable and barely a person. I keep saying this.

There are efforts I can make to fix this, to fix myself , but it’s hard to start something you have no ambition for, or even instructions. Autism really kicks in with self improvement. Why can’t my special interest be gym, or eating healthy? Literally anything but whatever it is that I do.

On another note; men. What’s up with that? Why are they the way they are? I mean don’t get me wrong, ya girl loves them but also they are so unbelievably fucking stupid. Not a single guy I know has decent communication skills. And everything always ends terribly for everyone involved. Like, why is my heart being ripped out by some dumbass narcissistic gym bro who throws temper tantrums every second of every day? 

I love to write these little things even though no one will ever read them because it’s a confession with no answer. I could put my whole life on here and it just wouldn’t matter. And if by chance someone does read this, you can giggle at my silly complaining and move on with your day. And I like that. 

- Ana

[woman-moment-fr]

Premature tendencies of something stupid

I’d never actually go through with any plan to end things. I can barely break things off with people let alone bite the bullet and die.

But it’s just a bit convenient now. Everything is due and I’m terribly tired. Too tired to even partake in any self destructive tendencies I might have. Is that a good thing? Everyone always says that depressed people stop doing things they love but what does it mean when you stop doing the things that you do instead of the things you love? Is it like super depression? Is it getting better or worse? I’d like to stop asking questions for once and actually get answers. Not looking very likely though.

I want my mom. I want someone to go to in the middle of the night, someone else’s bed to crawl into when I don’t feel like I can handle this anymore. 

It’s all silly of course. I have an assignment due soon; I’ll get back to working on that. 

-Ana

[woman-moment-fr]

“He was pointing at the moon, but I was looking at his hand.”

- Richard Siken

Is this stupid I can’t tell

[woman-moment-fr]

I like laughter, but I’d like to be a part of it

I have no friends. Yet. Well, technically I have one, and then my housemates are my friends as well I guess, though some of them are on thin ice. Either way it’s very lonely. I worry that I’m often making mean faces at people but that’s only because I’m holding grudges against the weather or shit music in clubs. I do wonder though, if that’s why no one buys me drink on nights out. 

I often sit alone in the living room, hoping that someone may come down to join me. Back home, I’d never leave my room, but here, it’s a great discomfort being there. In the past few weeks I’ve consumed any and all decent media Netflix has to offer, and still the only thing I can think about is the best way to say ‘hello’ when someone inevitably walks in. Sometimes they don’t though. I could wait for hours and hours and hours and see no one. Not a very fun or exciting Uni experience. Being incredibly poor also doesn’t help the social aspect, seeing as everything costs money. The whole ordeal of forming new friendships is also not that great but I can bear it, since in the long run it means I won’t spend most of my nights rotting on the couch wishing I had any sort of social life.

It’s a bit frustrating seeing everyone else have people. Even if it’s just work friends, you’re going out there and talking to another living soul and I’m still here, waiting for someone to invite me to go out. I’ve been desperately trying to get a job but it’s weirdly difficult. How is it that when I was 15, I had jobs handed to me where ever I went but now that I genuinely need money to like, live, it’s impossible to find anything. I just want to see and talk to people. Despite my crippling social anxiety and awkwardness, I am actually very fond of socialising. I’d love to go to parties and I love meeting other peoples friends. It’s scary but being around people is something I so desperately crave. 

I always assume that once you go to Uni, friendships are inevitable. You just meet people where ever. But it takes so much more effort. Maybe I’m doing something wrong. I do have a tendency to talk about stupid things and that are probably definitely not appropriate at times but I really do try to just be normal so what’s up with that. 

I’m tired of carrying this loneliness. I can hear other people, together, and it’s like looking through fog trying to find home again. I have so much to give. So much love and attention and care. I’m built for friendship and love. Whatever God made me from, it must have been something very broken. How can I be so perfect for love yet unable to find anyone to give it to? Bit of a sick joke if you ask me.

This is all very whiney, I’m acting as if my world is falling apart. I mean it is in many ways but honestly I just need to suck it up, I’ll get there eventually. Maybe I should start talking to strangers online again but this time actually become friends with them.

I guess growing up means getting used to chronic emotional damage because what the fuck my guy.

-Ana

[woman-moment-fr]

Everyone sucks and I REALLY need to get out more

Actually being an adult is absolutely insane. Being an adult with other adults that you still don’t really know is so much worse. I think everyday I realize that despite humans being built for communities and all that, some people should just rot by themselves and some don’t deserve the touch of a woman. 

Communication is key in any healthy relationship, no matter what that may be. And I know I’m not great at starting difficult conversations or asking uncomfortable but necessary questions, but you’d think people would be honest with you when you do manage to bring something serious up, even if it is in a light hearted manner. The only thing I’ve learnt about living away from home these past few months is that people want to be right, or just don’t want to lose their chances of getting laid, even if it means emotionally fucking you over. There are always going to be men that do this. Sure, you heard a woman’s voice from his room and found underwear under his pillow, but obviously you’re stupid for thinking that he’s sleeping with other people. Obviously it’s no biggie either because it’s not like you guys are together anyway. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect, but at least I don’t lie about it and then pass around diseases. But I guess that’s in the past now. I can hold a grudge though.

Housemates can be so much fun. I used to love the though of always having people to hang out with. And yet here I am; barely seeing most of them and in a weird sex situation with one. Who would’ve thought that the rule about not sleeping with housemates was like actually quite crucial to follow. 

On another note, just because skipping lectures is a thing you can do, doesn’t mean you should. I’ve become pretty much entirely nocturnal so I can either skip important shit and sleep, or go in on the verge of passing out. Sleep seems to win most day. I need to maybe actually leave the house for once. I don’t think I’ve seen sunlight in the past week. Or maybe I could just buy vitamins or something, winter is fucking me over either way.

-Ana