wordsbyeleanorwaldorf

[wordsbyeleanorwaldorf]

Do I really love B?

or its just my excuse to the never ending feeling I have for N?

I love B but its just weird that my mind always think about N. Why?

[wordsbyeleanorwaldorf]

I never thought that I’d come here again. But surprisingly in this chapter, its about another new character. It’s too early to find myself attached to this person whom I met just few months ago.

Weird.

I wish my happy days are always with you but a part of me now is nowhere to be seen as i’m invisible to you most of the time. You seem to take me for granted and thats because I permit you to do so. Your absence left a hollow void which I know can never be replaced though sometimes, you decide to make me as your pit stop.

It’s entirely my fault for lowering the bare I once raised. Maybe because all I want is a company who sees the same rainbow as mine. I know this is just a beginning but its slowly diverting to meet a one bad ending which I know we both do not like. I wish I could spit everything to you. Seeking anything that’s possible enough to be understood by universe but I know after all, it’s me who sees you as my universe. Not you.

[wordsbyeleanorwaldorf]

There’s a part of me which begins to slowly die.

[wordsbyeleanorwaldorf]

Siapa ni?

It was an usual day of mine. Back to back with meeting. I took a seat in my office, looking at the phone. There were 5 missed calls from you. There goes the 6. I was taken aback. Why would you need me? after all this year 

“Hi siapa ni.”

There goes a silence. You left me hanging. I ended the call. I know all along it was you. Those fame dont belittle me at all, so does my love for you. I was once dying for a validation from you. I let you live alone, walking on your path as with your own feet, to tell you how much there will be a suffering when we took things for granted. You wouldnt feel a part of you is missing because this entire time, it’s me, who feels a piece of you is missing

[wordsbyeleanorwaldorf]

Mimpi

I woke up realising that each second of my night was uniquely graphed with the most surreal experiences which I found might be interpreting our own moments now. I felt like it was another sign of universe telling me how you’re viewing me now, how much you have felt my absence and surely, how much has it hurt you. Truth to be prevailed, not any second, I’d not long the universe to take you on my path together. It’s hard especially coping to this feeling and attachments I used to have with you. I did not react much but I wish, I secretly could.

In that beautiful, yet surreal moment, God has allowed me to experience. I was stunned to see you and I greeted everyone else except you. My eyes were there to capture your disappointment lies behind your eyes. We were about to pray and time passed by, I realised I had been doing my responsibilities as I know, it’s an obligation for me. I hurriedly went back to pray and I was about to run back to the place I was meant to

Then there you went, holding my hand telling me to slow down, to sit right next to you. You told me not to go there as they would hunt me down, hunt my soul and would never set me free. I was searching for the right words and my soul was shivering when our hands hold onto one another. The soft skin.

“It’s heating between us now. We both can feel the heat”

“I just want to pray, I have missed it”

You were looking straight into my eyes and I could not find any exact words to portray the seemingly surreal moment of my dream. I was stunned to see your flawless skin and that moment, I realised, I have missed you extra bit today. I hope you’re doing ok there. I hope you’re like the sunset that I’ve always been waiting for everyday. You were once and you’re still now.

[wordsbyeleanorwaldorf]

So apparently I tengah figure out whether you ikhlas ke tak after all?

and things happened.

I feel like my heart is throbbed and this pain has immensely filled within myself and it feels like what I touch can break anything.

Pergilah dari hidup aku. Hilanglah

[wordsbyeleanorwaldorf]

Betul ke sayang?

Sayang, it’s a weird word. Ada banyak meaning sampaikan ada makna indah disebaliknya begitu juga dengan kekecewaan yang tidak mampu diduga. Benar jika kita ada orang yang tersayang, dunia ini bagaikan alam yang amat indah. Seolah berada di bulan. begitu asyik dibuai malam. Itulah apa terjadi kepada aku betul tak? Kadang-kadang perasaan ini aku salah tafsir. Adakah aku benar menyayangi atau sebaliknya aku menyintainya dengan sepenuh jiwa ragaku sehinggakan air mata di pipi tidak pernah kering. 

Hati ini telah retak seribu mengenangkan janji yang pernah diungkapkan untuk sentiasa berada di samping satu sama lain dalam setiap liku perjalanan tapi janji itu mungkin sekadar janji yang akan sentiasa dimungkiri. Ada hati yang harus terisi tapi ia selalu kosong tatkala kau pergi tinggalkan kenangan dengan begitu sahaja. Aku ni tak layak untuk disayangi ke? Aku ni cuma rebound untuk kau ke?

Tapi apa yang paling pelik ialah kenapa aku boleh cintakan kau walaupun aku tahu yang kau tak akan aku miliki? Kau dengannya aku dengan dia. Tuhan memang tak akan mempertemukan kita bahkan di tempat yang abadi itupun. Sedihkan, aku sayang kau tapi aku tak boleh ada untuk kau selalu. I cannot hug you or even kiss you like I always want to do. That hurts. That shit exhausts me. That fate tortures me. Sampai satu waktu, aku harap yang aku tak kenal pun kau. Aku harap memori tu tak pernah terjadi. Aku harap aku sentiasa bencikan kau dalam setiap pertemuan, tentangan mata bahkan perkara yang tak dirancang. Tapi tuhan dah tetapkan untuk kau ada di laluan aku walaupun aku tak pernah mengharap engkau datang. Pernah aku rasa macamni sekali tapi aku tetap lembutkan hati, tabahkan hati, aku pujuk diri aku untuk sentiasa mengalah, sentiasa melawan takdir tuhan. Akhirnya tak ku duga engkau yang sentiasa berikan aku luka paling dalam. Sehinggakan aku rasa luka ini tak pernah aku rasakan dengan jutaan manusia yang lain.

Aku berharap aku dipermudahkan untuk lupakan kau iaitu kenyataan paling sulit. Kenyataan yang paling aku sayangkan kau lebih dari orang lain bahkan lebih dari diri aku sendiri. Aku akan cuba sedaya upaya. Aku taknak patah balik ke belakang lagi. Aku taknak dilukakan lagi sebab sesak di dada ni dah tak tertahan. kalau kau nampak aku nangis ni. Kau akan faham betapa sakitnya aku. Even kalau aku decide untuk start over everything, start fresh dengan kau, kalau satu waktu nanti aku berjaya padamkan luka ni pun, aku yakin waktu tu aku bodoh gila. Aku harap ini kali terakhir aku menangisi kau. penat, aku penat. Aku doakan kau benci aku. Aku doakan kau mampu get over aku. Aku doakan kau tak pernah teringin pun nak jumpa lagi. Aku doakan kau lupa aku dan tak pernah kenal aku. Sampai masa kau akan faham kenapa tulisan ni untuk kau. Get lost F

[wordsbyeleanorwaldorf]

Leaving

Why you decided to leave me when I needed you the most? where are you when I wanted to break the exciting news? You takde. I never felt sadder than I was yesterday, knowing you were not there for me. You tak sayang I ke? You dont love me dont you? You give me butterflies and the next day, you treat me like I was nothing to you.

[wordsbyeleanorwaldorf]

hanya tuhan sahaja tahu betapa jauh di sudut hatini, rindukan nuqman yang tersayang. Betapa pahitnya ini harus ditelan dengan pengharapan agar tuhan kurniakan dia manusia yang lebih baik, jauh lebih baik daripada dia yang pernah memiliki.

[wordsbyeleanorwaldorf]

Safe space

Here is the loneliest place where thoughts are overflowed. The unsaid words. The unkept promises. The no-longer exist dreams. All gather here with a hopeful reality that despite the loneliness and never-ending miseries, all these unspoken words will eventually be heard for the people who are meant to receive them. But for now, lets make them unheard and fantasy. Enjoy the ecstasy

[wordsbyeleanorwaldorf]

Hands

The film is really nice. The acting is on point. I'm impressed and suddenly, I almost knocked myself to the wall but just there goes his hands. Holding mine as he's now holding my waist

A : All you need is to be careful sayang

Me : I feel safe because there's you here

[wordsbyeleanorwaldorf]

Many years are coming, you're still my choice, forever and ever

xx

[wordsbyeleanorwaldorf]

What inspires you the most?

-heartbroken

[wordsbyeleanorwaldorf]

Shout out to anyone who’s struggling with their mental health and doesn’t think they can live like this for much longer; if you’re reading this, please stay alive, you’re still here and you’re so strong and i’m proud of you.

[wordsbyeleanorwaldorf]

A destroyed friendship

A : you get serious all the time, being savaged towards everybody and never smile

b : You're even making a serious and irritating face to us. Just control yourself. You dont get anywhere behaving like that

c : Just tell me, whoever wants to befriend with you will end up leaving you back. Yo're such a boring person with no sense of humour. People get bored easily when they're talking to you. You will end up your life by not having any of us cause youre sucks

[wordsbyeleanorwaldorf]

Why it always me?

- xx

[wordsbyeleanorwaldorf]

A beautiful dream

I was in school, preparing my bagpack so I could go home faster. I realized that you were there standing as you noticed me too. I didnt feel happy when seeing your face because myself is hurt. I used to be happy like a cheecky kid who just got an ice cream. I was not that person anymore who was happy seeing or staring at you. Things changed. A mirror infront of me showed that you were heading to me. I scared. Scared that you would hurt me again and again. You came to me

x : Could we talk?

Me : I'm preparing my bagpack. Wait for seconds

You did smile like you hadnt saw me like years. I was strong and rational enough to think why you came here? To hurt me or to just make an apology that I had been waited. You left me and stranded me. I thankful enough that you did it earlier cause I got much time to reflect my soul again. We sat at the balcony with shinny stars accompanying us. You held my hand and I didnt know why I was that stupid to let you holding my hand. You hurt me like hell. Why you were still here?

x : Hey, I holding your hand now

Me : why you're here

x : Are you okay? Do you miss me?

Then. that dream suddenly dissappeared. What all this, mean? I miss you like hell but I know, It just a big 'NO' for me seeing you again. Destiny doesnt really belong to us