wordsintotheether

[wordsintotheether]

I can’t believe how good it feels to be a lesbian. I can’t believe how good it feels to be out. I can’t believe how good it felt to realize I could release myself of the obligation of allowing myself to be with men.

[wordsintotheether]

Im going to kill mtself. I am subhuman

[wordsintotheether]

I’ll adore you til my dying breath. I’ve never let acceptance come easy. Through gritted teeth and bleeding ankles and rotten, screeching words, I am overtaken by it.

I go down trying, prying at its grip. I’ve adored you til my last, shaky, aching breath.

[wordsintotheether]

Almost six months later, wrapped up in you all over again. We keep running at the same dead end but we’re still disappointed every time we hit the wall.

I love you til the end of time. How could you not be for me? How is it that I wasn’t built for you?

Why can’t love be enough?

“Whenever you want me, you’ve got me til the end of time.”

You fill so many empty spaces. We were right for a season, but no longer. But I like to learn my hard lessons slow— so I’m with you for another round.

God is so good to me. She let me love you again, melt into you, breathe safely, get my answers, and the millionth attempt at closure. She is so gracious, letting me get wrapped up in you again even when She knows, and I know, we are meant to walk separate paths.

Perhaps it’s time to accept that the future I see with you is simply a nice thought, not reality. I try to, have tried to, “then fall right back in love the very moment that I touch you.”

You’re so beautiful. You’re so peaceful sleeping next to me. I see your gentleness, your softness. You’re an angel— God sent me an angel so I could learn to be loved

And how to let go.

Life is hard.

[wordsintotheether]

I guess I’ll ache every time I think of you, and that will be my forever.

God, why give me the peace I was deprived of in childhood just to take it away? At what point will my toll be paid? At what point is my suffering enough?

Why would you fill this void with love and watch me break as I feel it slip through my fingers? What is the lesson? Am I meant to face my own unworthiness? Am I meant to conclude that no one will ever truly be a safe space for me to turn?

I ache. I ache. I ache.

And to think, all this time, I’ve been calling it love.

What a cruel life.

[wordsintotheether]

I’d give the next three months of my sanity and waning stability for one night of just holding each other tonight. I feel like a child, arms outstretched and begging to be tended to. I want your love. I want to give you mine.

[wordsintotheether]

We were both so wrapped up in our hurts. We were arguing past each other. Just hurt on top of hurt. My angel. We can do better, I miss laughing with you.

When we were last together, I needed so badly for your assurance, your love, your validation that I was good and could love myself.

You wanted my company. My ear. My support.

We were both hurting too much to meet each other’s needs. I’m sorry.

What I wouldn’t give to just laugh with you. To share memes. To hear stories.

I shouldn’t text you.

I shouldn’t.

I really really shouldn’t.

……

[wordsintotheether]

What I wouldn’t give to be in our little love bubble right now.

You belong next to me. My only good roommate. My best friend. My soul mate.

Please God tell me you’ll bring them back to me. Please tell me this is just a chapter. Please tell me it’s good in the end.

[wordsintotheether]

I believe you that you loved me.

How was it the first time that I listened to that song on the playlist?? Cigarettes after sex, k.

I love you. My favorite spot is right next to you. I miss your tender kisses

[wordsintotheether]

My God, I miss you I miss you I miss you.

I wish you’d reach out to me. My soul is looking for yours.

[wordsintotheether]

Being eaten alive from the inside. Gnashing teeth gnaw through my stomach, devouring butterflies and cozy meals. You make your way to my blood, pouring poison in the stream. No more head rushes, no more flushed cheeks, just a well that runs unclean. From blood to heart, you tear the tender tissue, jagged-edged scraps pile where my love once stood. You suck your teeth, savoring the flavor of devotion and promises that will no longer die with me.

I am devoured. Empty shell passing through each day. Waiting for something to take the parasite’s place.

[wordsintotheether]

I love running back to what’s bad for me.

It can’t be you anymore. But my girl Ana is always available.

The highs are way better than yours, I promise.

I love the way she gets me excited for the little things, like smaller bites and coffee. I love the way she wants me all to herself. I love the way she gifts me secrets, for just our ears alone. I love how pretty she makes me feel when I do what she wants.

I love the way she talks me off the ledge and back on the scale. I love the way she degrades me and calls it “necessary honesty.” I love the way she poisons me and calls it love.

Best of all, I love the way she kills me slowly and calls me beautiful.

No one loves me like her. And I just can’t get enough.

[wordsintotheether]

Maybe you never really loved me, and maybe no one ever will.

What a cursed existence, to think every day, at least hourly if not constantly, that whatever it is I’m doing, I would much rather be dead than doing that. Ah…. I wish things were easier.

[wordsintotheether]

You own my heart and probably don’t even care.

[wordsintotheether]

I reach for you like a bad habit. Fingers fumble in the darkness searching for you next to me, like greedy, shaking hands searching for the stashed box of cigarettes in the dusty shed where no one bothers to be. I want you like a drag in a secret. Breathe you in and breathe you out just for the head rush and to scratch the scabbing itch. It just feels so good the way you kill me slowly.

[wordsintotheether]

I miss when you loved me gently. I miss the way you used to look at me. I miss the way you were patient and kind. I miss the way you would hold me, the way you’d miss me, the way I could always count on you.

It all slipped through my fingers. Maybe I lost it because I didn’t deserve it.

For a few short years I got to bask in the glow of heaven on Earth. Through it all, I kept the idea of a breakup in my back pocket, convincing myself I’d be okay with it at any time so that I never got too attached, out of fear of being crazy and blowing things to bits out of fear of losing you.

Now all these years later I sit daily with the knowledge that you were my whole world, you were the only thing that made me like myself at all, and I watched all that love that you promised to be forever and unwaning slip away from me, as you became cruel and absent.

I guess I just never deserved to be loved like that. It’s my fault. It always is.

[wordsintotheether]

I’m angry, but I still love you and see your goodness. I hope one day you foster all that genuine sweetness, vulnerability, and love you keep hidden inside your walls. Those tender moments laying in our bed, looking at our city, will live in the happy little parts of my head forever. Your sweet little voice, your affection, and the vulnerable moments I know you’d be embarrassed remembering light up my heart and always will.

I’d give anything to have one more night like that.

I always preferred you sober. But you were still so loving even when you were using in times past. But this shit you take now, you don’t act like even a shadow of yourself. And I imagine that’s why you take it; you just don’t want to be you.

What a shame that you don’t, because YOU are so wonderful.

It hurts my heart that the days of pouring love into you and watching you come out of your shell are over. I want to make you feel safe, protected, adored. I miss who you were when you felt safe and open with me. Those days ended well before we broke up.

I’m sorry if I stopped making you feel safe.

I miss you. I hope you’re safe. I want to ask you. But I can’t just message you out of the blue and risk upsetting you. Those boundaries exist not just for me; I don’t want to hurt you either. I don’t want to just pop into your life and undo your progress because it’s something *I* wanted.

I wish you knew about this page. I wish we could talk. Why is parting ways so hard, even when it’s the right thing to do?