wordsofabandonment - Tumblr blog

[wordsofabandonment]

spin and dip

it is a tense dance

my body breaking down

exhaustion weighing heavy on each individual feature

social battery draining

10%... 9%... 8%... 0%

I wish I could openly sneer in derision of them

gossiping behind their back doesn't feel quite as satisfying

I want to scream, to yell, to go off on them all

but I hold back

I don't step forward

I let them lead

it is a tense dance

and then, there's you

I am switching dance partners

constantly, turning my face to someone new

switching my subtle expressions

my body movements

all to match your tempo

because you're all dancing to different songs

I sing to drown out your songs

I have to hold onto myself

even if it's easier to lose myself in your music

but I have nothing of myself to hold onto

our bodies pressed together intimately

my affection swells

crests

crashes

I am hit with criticism

you dip me to the ground

and I snap

split

where fondness might have been

there is only disdain now

you are not my dance partner anymore

you are my enemy

I lunge

aiming for your throat

but I pass through you

I pass through everything

I am filled with such emptiness

I am empty

I try to grasp onto my hatred for you

desperately needing to hold on

but it slips through my fingers

my mood falling before I can catch it

I slump to the ground

exhausted from our dance

our fight

you, ignorant, turn away

and I run

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i have scars on my wrist

that no one can see

nobody, nobody

nobody but me

i'm bleeding//i'm free

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eyes growing glowing greener

he can't be my fp. i've never met him or even spoken with him privately. he provides a distraction for me and i take care of him in return.

but i still get those feelings of envy, of possessiveness, of anxiety. he's replacing me with someone else. he hates me. he'll leave me. and it's funny because i never really had him in the first place. he's not my fp. we don't know each other. our relationship is a casual sort of professional at best. there's distance, for certain.

yet. i still feel like i can claim him. in some way. i feel like i'm important, like i'm special to him. i don't want to lose that. i can't lose that. it's the tether that keeps me grounded while the world floats around me, the motivation to keep going while the currents push against me. i'm not important or special to anyone else.

so, no. he's not my fp. but he matters. a lot. i can't stand the thought of being replaced by someone else in his eyes, even if they deserve it more. even if i deserve nothing. i can't stand the person who might replace me, even if they've only ever been nice and helpful and loved the person i care about, just as i do, just like so many others.

are these feelings going to underlie all of my relationships for the rest of my life? even when the person isn't my fp, when they're not even close to being my fp? is that what this is?

my fear of abandonment, apparently, stems so far and wide that it permeates, poisons, all the good things i could dream of. my insecurities and anxieties over that will never be dissuaded, for i am a self-fulfilling prophecy.

i am screaming into the void. all of my frustrations. all of my vulnerabilities. all of my secrets that i will never tell a living soul. the void stares back dispassionately. this is the best i can ask for. this is all that i deserve.

[wordsofabandonment]

catch me hyperfixating on my newest Mentally Ill character obsession because there's nowhere else someone might even vaguely understand all the fucked up shit in my head, right?

i am drawn to it, like a moth that hungers for its flame. my worst desires and darkest thoughts. i can't get enough. feed me

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pov: you write to forget about all your problems

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tag yourself I’m petulant and impulsive

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Common bpd triggers:

- Criticism of any kind - Invalidation of their feelings, what they're going through - Cancelling plans last minute - Lack of attention/not enough support - Being interrupted when speaking - Lack of enthusiasm when talking about something you're happy about - Being called selfish, manipulative, crazy etc when showing symptoms - Rejection of any kind - Abandonment "jokes" - Someone yelling

Often times doing/saying these things can intensify bpd symptoms and cause episodes which can result in self-harm, suicidality, self destructive behaviors and more. Please be cautious and careful of what you say and do. Be kind and understanding.

[wordsofabandonment]

it's scary how fast I can go

from

sobbing with emotion and despair filling every crevice of my broken heart

to

numb, nothing, empty

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If you see me looking zoned out it’s cuz im having a therapy session with myself in my head

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but the sign on the door says "pull"

it's just that

I've been in too many relationships

that said

that promised

that swore

to be stable

to be sturdy, to be strong, to be lasting

to hold even when I pushed against it

and yet

when I actually pushed against it

it crumpled

immediately

collapsing like a pile of ashes

so I'm afraid now

to push

I don't trust relationships to hold

against my weight

so I don't push

ever

even if it's in my best interest to push

even if it means that I'll

slowly, silently suffocate

under my own weight

I don't push

because the feeling of

a relationship falling apart

underneath me

is the worst feeling

worse even than

imploding

upon myself

I can't push

[wordsofabandonment]

it feels like i'm falling into the walls: a late night breakdown

devoid of hope

and

I'm lost

and

why why why why why why why wh-

and

something hurts

and

it's so fucking dark

and

empty........... empty

and

I can't breathe I don't want

and

fractures into splinters into cracks into fissures into breaks into shards into shattered

[wordsofabandonment]

If I send you 13 things I wanna hear back, and you only send back 12, I’m taking that personally, just try and stop me

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bpd also means:

needing a fp

someone you are dependent on (cause you can’t live on your own)

someone you just need confirmation from

their criticism (even valid) destroys you instantly and completely

someone you admire and/or hate with all your heart (yeah, splitting)

someone you have no healthy distance to

they can be a relative, friend, partner or what the fuck

they know you differently, deeper - it‘s why they have That power over you

some can trap you in abusive relationships, others may stabilize you

it‘s complicated

you don’t wanna need them, you just do

[wordsofabandonment]

BPD is thinking everyone hates you even if you have no proof. You feel like a burden. Your brain says you’re better off dead. You’re a child inside because of trauma. All you ever WANTED was to be loved.