worryingthing

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Went to my first ever Linocut class tonight. What a fascinating process. And yes I see how this is more stamp than chemical but I have learned a skill and I’m soo soooo SO interested in any type of DIY printing. Anyway I didn’t totally panic, I would like to practice this skill and refine it and study it.

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The classic do I want him or want to be him.

More baseball Bruuuce!

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Want a summer that feels like this (yes, I checked this is sourced from Gagosian, no I've never seen this painting before)

Cy Twombly Untitled (Gaeta), 1990 Acrylic, wax crayon and pencil on handmade paper 77.8 x 54.8 cm

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Another post about an online radio station, this time: Vintage Obscura.

This is a station that plays reddit sourced and curated tracks with under 30,000 hits/listens on youtube, and nothing from after the year 2000. I haven't spent a lot of time with this station, but I have enjoyed everything they've played this past half hour. I love messing around with radio.garden to try to find new things and just generally hit the sweet spot stride of vibing to something while I get boring repetitive work tasks done.

Anyway! I am so hesitant to declare any sort of stasis, but work has been okay. As in I have had it for four months and I am entering my fifth. I just took my first out of town trip with my partner to Washington DC this weekend to attend Liberation Weekend. It was such an incredible weekend, one that wore me out but also filled me up. I left feeling really restored and also a little in awe of how good and comfortable I felt the whole time. I tend to get socially exhausted, and before the trip work had been absolutely bat shit insane with annual mailings (think like $3,000 dollars worth of postage going out in like... 3 days, or 1000s of pieces of mail). I was so extremely stressed out about going that I didn't let myself think about it really, like pre-anxiety of thinking it through. I got off work at 3 on Friday, went home and packed as calmly as I could (we got lucky with the weather!! and life is easy when my wardrobe outside of work is linen dressed and a denim jacket/sneakers/sandals). We took the Amtrack to DC which I did enjoy, especially over the stress of air travel and driving. My college best friend lives in DC so he picked us up and we stayed our first night at their house before going to a hotel a couple blocks from the venue the next day.

The show was so amazing in a way that ONLY going to another city to hang out with all your friends can be. Faith/Void crushed it, Big Girl was so so good, Ted Leo made me weep because it was the first time I had ever heard "Me and Mia". When you're standing behind your closest friends/partner and they're all shout-singing along their arms to this pre-chorus, how can you not weep?

But do you believe in something beautiful? Then get up and be it! Fighting for the smallest goal, to get a little self-control I know how hard you try, I see it in your eyes

Really feels like this sums up what I have been working towards, awkwardly and difficultly, but still. Later this month will be two years in Queens, two years since divorcing my life from my former life. I have a great weekend with my partner and got to hug BOTH of my best friends and support an amazing cause and have new experiences and meet some cool people and have good conversations and be in love and all that. A+ start to Pride I'd say.

Oh yeah, the song, it's good. Really good. You should put it on on a Sunday morning or when you're about to cook a meal and doing meal prep. Enjoying your life and finding yourself and finding the things you love beautiful is important, if not all you can really do in this current environment to stay sane. Ok, hard work and staying curious pays off? Keep on keeping on.

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I was browsing around on radio.garden, as I usually do, and thought why not tune in to WFMU for once? I then found this automated rock'n'soul station that has since been my post lunch work companion. It's very delightful programming, and I enjoy the computer voice dj that drops in every few songs to give you updates about what it's playing and the weather. The programing for this is really fascinating, and was coded and created for WFMU by a former engineer and radio host.

"While managing a station in the 1990’s (where he’d co-launched their online presence in 1994), Kenzo started planning an approach for automating the manual HTML work that so many stations around the world were undertaking. After departing in 2000, he toured the tech operations at famed underground station WFMU, and was dismayed to discover that they, too, were just editing masses of HTML files by hand, churning endless staff hours updating files every 3 hours all week."

Anyway, I've always wondered if it was possible to make an auto generated radio station based on a playlist or playlists, and it turns out you can, and this technology exists because a programner wanted to help WFMU djs when online radio must have just been becoming a thing. Anyway, wow the ringing out of the opening to Tommy James and the Shondell's "Sweet Cherry Wine". Radio and noodling around on radio websites: a good hobby to engage in.

Rock'N'Soul Radio on WFMU

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Cy Twombly at the Gagosian Gallery, New York, March 22nd (the show has now closed)

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The occasional chime in of “where is it?”* in this kills me, how can songs be so good?

*it being ~T e n d e r n e s s~

¿ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᶦˢ ᶦᵗˀ

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I think this is the best thing I have ever heard also it’s 12 minutes to 7 and it’s still light out.

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here they come! 

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A small step

It had been on my list for weeks, months, maybe years. All of February was 20 degrees and windy, so there was no way I was doing it then. But then March came, and we had a sunny afternoon on a Saturday that quickly descended into a windy freezing evening, so I had to make the best of it during the daylight hours. We had a community meeting at the library next to my apartment for Access Oasis, the accessible community garden I'm a part of. I can't believe we're entering what is only our second year. It has already grown so much and attracted some really excellent people who are eager to join. I'm so impressed! Anyway the task at hand was going to be harrowing for a number of reasons: 1) noise. errant, erratic noise. 2) being seen carrying a guitar/instrument, nobody wants that. "Oh, can you play?" (no, I can play a baritone ukulele which is almost the same just minus the two base strings - NOBODY wants to hear that lol) 3) a kind of annoying walk, depending on the weather.

Anyway, I live in a part of Astoria that is not that far from some big box stores off Northern Boulevard. A friend had sent out a message about her making Paczksi for spring, so I briefly got to see my partner and some friends (one of whom wants to work with the garden! for a farmers market!!) at her place and have a donut and then I set off down 46th street towards, gulp, Guitar Center.

I don't know if I'll ever really get back to music after ~ everything ~ but I had done the research and I knew you could walk in and have an instrument serviced, in this case new strings and a tuning. I have a lefty Dan Electro 52 that is "Commie Red" and cost $420 exactly. I know, I fuckin know. The thing came wrapped in old high life beer boxes when I received it (as if from God), after I bought it used in like 2018. So the point is I never learned on this and then a string broke and in its case it sat and sat, waiting for me to summon the energy to do this fucking horrible errand.

Walking down 46th it is much colder than I anticipated because the wind has picked up drastically. The sun was already behind most of the buildings. That's March, in like a lion out like a lamb, you know. So I'm carrying this thing and I'm dreading it so much. I know it's going to suck, but I can reward myself with a trip to HMart (Korean/Chinese/Asian Mega grocery store) next door after and buy dumplings and ramen (which I did). The Guitar Center entrance is really as bad as it can be, just a weird escalator that goes up to a Chucky Cheese and then Guitar Center is to the left. It looks dead and I don't understand how anyone has the ability to work there. The aura is cursed and there is always a screaming/crying child on the escalator, which is a harrowing herald as you're about to enter a cavern of dudes who are noodling out the Nirvana/Radiohead songs over each other. It's so loud and erratic that I have to laugh at how bad it is for my nervous system that gets super overwhelmed by noise. Just a cacophony of drums and guitars and not in the fun way I like musically!!! Not in a fun way AT ALL.

Anyway, I'm there. The kid in the service area is nice to me and gets right to work on pulling off the old rusty strings. So far so good, I just have to wait maybe 5 minutes for this whole process. Behind me at the check out desk a man is yelling at the employees over some sort of charge error. We both clock this and share a smirk and I turn and stare at neon packages of guitar strings with beautiful 60s inspired curvy fonts. Clang, do do do do do do do, clang, crash, bwaaaa, and more Nirvana songs. I make the mistake of looking left towards the door and meet the eyes of a man entering carrying a case. In this instance two things are communicated instantly to me: oh fuck he's here for the exact same thing that I am, and it's visible (to me) that he's psyched that I (a woman) am trapped standing at the same place he is headed, and he IS going to try to make conversation with me. Worst case scenario.

I make my body posture as uninterested as it can seem, stare dead eyed at the walls of instruments. It's not like I'm looking super hot, I am 38 years old, tired, and dressed as comfortably as I can be in loose clothes and a jacket and hat. The guy at the checkout counter is still screaming at the employees this whole time. This man proceeds to inquire over and over again about the certification of the establishment to fix his specific brand of guitar. He is talking over the person fixing my guitar, as if it's his appointment. He is actively trying to make eye contact with me as if I have elected to be a part of this whole situation and am not merely just someone doing a personal errand alone. It gets worse, we're both southpaws. I guess I have to make eye contact for that incredible serendipity, because yes we all agree it really sucks to buy a left-handed guitar because there are never any models in stores to try. This is why mine came in the mail wrapped in beer boxes. I am actually right handed but I just play this way, nobody wants to know this and it's not a fact I offered up to this man or the guitar tech. Anyway, I'm just gob smacked that men have this audacity. I've aged out of being hit on in almost every single environment possible, which I guess is a blessing that I'm grateful for. But Still!! He was so loud and domineering the guitar tech was essentially like "alright my dude, I will help you, just let me finish this first".

Anyway, I'm glad I did the task but also surprised and amazed that it was exactly as bad and annoying, if not worse, than I anticipated it being. I often dread things so deeply and I am trying to work on shifting my attitude, but it's not always easy when you're right about how much things suck. A small step, though, what excuse do I have now?*

*Executive dysfunction, exhaustion, life in America, work, lack of self-motivation, lack of direction in choosing a way to restart lessons... maybe?

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In another, better life, where I get to be a music supervisor for Wes Anderson movies.

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Tfw you’re the reason the bedding is stripped and your mom threw the cashmere throw on top of the memory foam pillow just to be able to pull of and wash the sheets you barfed on, along with the first of two quilts. My little Prince.

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tyn 2/10

The subway was extremely messed up this morning, but because of that I was late to work (nbd, I arrive half an hour before everyone else, also I did not get this week's building code at the time, so I would have had to stand there and wait had I been on time) there was no line for a croissant from Bourke Street Bakery. They have probably the best Pain au Chocolat I've ever had (outside the ones I had in Montreal as a kid when we visited), but the regular croissant is also stellar. As a true Taurus, I can bear the miseries of overlit banal office work if I have pastry.

Because the R was running on a Saturday schedule (?????) I took the M, which means transferring at 53rd. The escalator at mid platform is broken, and I accidentally walked all the way up it last week, resulting in barely being able to breathe at the end (it's like four stories, I am old and post-covid have asthma now). So now there are hundreds of people in line for the other, working, escalator and right in between is the elevator. I have never used a subway elevator, but this is also the first time in my life experiencing a physical disability. So I squeezed into the elevator, and it was fine. I think A LOT about accessibility since joining Access Oasis, a local community garden founded by a friend that has a mission to create an accessible outdoor space. It's done wonders for me as an audhd person to find community and understanding with others who have experiences similar to my own. Also digging in dirt is just, really, really good for you! I love plants. But yes, the angriest I get is usually about how inaccessible the subway is for anyone who would require a mobility aid. It makes me so angry, and so sad, but also in the last few years both of my home stations (previously Brooklyn, now Queens) have gotten upgraded with elevators. They're in process, and it's only two sets of stairs, but it still means more life for the people who need it. Change is slow!! Every station should be ADA approved already, but it's happening.

Oh and because I took the M and transferred at 53rd, there's a corridor you pass through to get to the 6. Many days there's a man standing in there preaching about God to 100s of in transit New Yorkers who are probably, like me, thinking "fuck my life, fuck this job, fuck the MTA" while a man shouts at us to thank Jesus for our lives. BUT he was not there today, and I will take that as the win it was. Sometimes I do begrudge him that he's right I should be thankful for my life but also fuck off.

Things are really wonderful with my friendships, community, and relationship and I'm not sure I've ever experienced that or felt so at ease and comfortable. It's really wonderful.

I'm back working at the last temp gig I had. I had been looking for work the entirety of November, December, and January. It was terrible, probably the lowest I've felt since I got out of my last relationship. But now the sun is setting after 5, and being busy and tired and active is good for me. But I'm here because the person who is normally here is sick. They do not know when he's coming back, but they like me and say I do good work. I don't really want to work in an office or open/sort/send out mail for an office of 200 people. But I want a work/life balance, and I would really, really like to have health insurance. Idk, it's an upswing and I needed it and I'll take it.

PITCHERS AND CATCHERS REPORT TO SPRING TRAINING TODAY!!! T O D A Y!!! FOOTBALL IS OVER, BASEBALL IS NIGH!!!! The golden period is coming (longer light, games on most nights, listening to radio broadcasts of games, going to the Coney Island Cyclones Pride Night every summer!!) During my worst periods of deep depression/suicidal ideation I would try to keep a mental list of names to stay alive for and things to look forward to. It helps and it works, and then I started to try and think of three things I was thankful for daily and one thing I am looking forward to (usually watching movies with friends or whatever plan). Anyway I went long and it's time for lunch, and I THINK it's sunny today? Blessed.

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William Turner:  Surf  (1842)  Watercolor

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There’s no holly, but there is

the glass and granite towers

and the white stone lions

and the pale violet clouds. And

the great tree of balls in

Rockefeller Plaza is public.

Christmas is green and general

like all great works of the

imagination, swelling from minute

private sentiments in the desert,

a wreath around our intimacy

like children’s voices in a park.

For red there is our blood

which, like your smile, must be

protected from spilling into

generality by secret meanings,

the lipstick of life hidden

in a handbag against violations.

Christmas is the time of cold air

and loud parties and big expense,

but in our hearts flames flicker

answeringly, as on old-fashioned

trees. I would rather the house

burn down than our flames go out.

- Christmas Card to Grace Hartigan, Frank O’Hara

Christmas - Paul Batch , 2020.

American, b. 1979 -

Oil on panel , 8 x 10 in.

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Tyn 9.12.24

That my friend drops a daily instastories update where she opens various advent calendars for the last 12 days of christmas. She has 13 calendars, some of them are homemade by friends, one is just a bag of gachopan from Japan that a friend of a friend got for her. As someone obsessed with tiny objects and childlike whimsy, I am absolutely hooked on the tradition of watching these stories. It feels like an extreme kindness as I go through my annual seasonal depressive low.

The temperature rose and we are finally getting rain, I waited today’s rain out and enjoyed sleeping late to the sounds of it this morning/afternoon. If all I need to go outside is a good raincoat then I’m golden, but of course I was born in Spring. Also the shift in pressure gave me a migraine in my sleep, but I’ll take it over the 30 degree days with 20 mph winds. I really enjoyed my walk for errands as opposed to being like “fuck fuck fuck WHY why why WHY” about being outside.

I somehow managed to lock in and have not totally failed at buying Chritsmas presents for my family. It is so hard being in a family that really doesn’t communicate well and being a “parentified daughter” or whatever (oldest daughter) because I want to be intentional and personal and there is so little to go off of but my brain is like trying SO HARD To think of the Perfect Gift that I get stressed about the holidays when I remember them in summer. So as it’s not even the 10th and I’m not panicking! I feel good about that. I usually have this shit way less together!

That, yeah, actually just showing up even when it’s hard, over and over again, over time will assuage anxiety and imbue community. Ikr, crazy?! But it’s true and even when I feel so scared of people, I’ve yet to regret showing up to a thing/event, and only gotten better at feeling more at ease/belonging. This is really big and miraculous for me, and it’s important for me to note my growth as I don’t have outside validation atm (therapy)

When I went to pick up my dinner order at a new taqueria, Nene’s, two blocks from me I moticed they had a Paleta (Mexican popsicles) cart! I got this one

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My cat is sleeping so happily in my coat, life is worth living

I think and then pause and know this is the same feeling that allowed cats to domesticate us to begin with.