wreakinghavocnv

[wreakinghavocnv]

My first 30 years....

10/25/2023

Sparks, Nevada

7:30 P.M.

"The first 30 years of my life have been different than probably a lot of other people's first 30 years. But then it's sad to say it's probably been the same as a lot of others as well. I have never been to prison, I have never taken another human's life, and I've never bought a house. I've financed one vehicle and I've had one real credit card. I've lived in jail, half-way houses, rehabs, and transitional living programs. I've leased apartments, rented homes, and started a career. I've taken the same career and ran it straight into the ground, more than once. I've been kicked out of unions, I've been kicked out of bars. I've had to steal to eat, and I've fed hungry children, some of whom were not even mine. I've supported a HABIT; I've supported a HOUSEHOLD. I harbor regrets, I've let go of resentments, and I've strived for achievements. I'm 31 years old my name is Joshua and I'm addicted to opiates. "

I wrote this as just a journal entry one night, and then months later was asked by my therapist to bring all my journals to a session. For whatever reason this is one of the entries I was compelled to share with her. She liked it so I decide it was havoc worthy. I have been clean for 71 days.

#addiction #heroin #creativewriting #journaling #addictionblog

[wreakinghavocnv]

December Loneliness

As I sit in a hotel room high above Victorian Blvd on December 25 and look out my window into the deep expanse I almost call a black hole that is Sparks, Nevada; I feel more than compelled to bring out the laptop and open a new document. It genuinely feels as if I’m staring straight into the past two years of my life. Off to the left the corner of town I let a meager two-bedroom apartment fall into eviction only months after throwing away a great job, two years of cheated sobriety, and graduating the prestigious Washoe county drug court program. Front and center a 7-11 me and my girlfriend used time and time again as cover for “serving sacks” under the nose of the astute Sparks Police Department, always with their presence known up and down Prater Blvd. The same 7-11 I’ve also stood outside hungry, cold, and dope sick, in far less fortunate times. Devouring the stale chicken wings the night guy was generous enough to let go of at no charge after the rest of the neighborhood spent the evening passing them over.        

                Just shy of next-door to the sevy my best friends house. Where she too was more than generous letting me stay there almost whenever I needed, even after the manic skitzo episode that ended with me sending a garden brick through the front door blunt force style. Across Victorian the luxury apartment building we managed to squat in for about 6 weeks of drug fueled debauchery. Next to that the complex we barely made it 24 hours. Where just months ago my never-ending binder came to a screaming halt as sparks pd kicked open the door brandishing tazers and screaming for us to get on the ground. Also down on street level the many concrete nooks and make shift shelters I spent many nights outside. Some with the comfort of my self described ‘twin flame’ cuddled next to me, many more without.

                Yes the memories of this area are endless. Its amazing how just a few square miles can hold such a significant part of my life and yet also have such a depressing feel to them as I look back. All in all it’s an odd feeling looking down on all of this. Reminiscent of a roller coaster of times and feelings. Looking ahead I can only hope what comes in the future somehow ignites the same flame I can never quite describe. The exhilaration me and the rest of the terminally damned are always chasing, and yet never able to quite describe to the normal people of the world.  And yet not hold the same moments of despair and depression the lows of street living bring on. Whatever the future holds one thing rings true no matter what, keep truckin.

[wreakinghavocnv]

Christmas: A Travesty

Unpopular opinion: Christmas is a goddam joke. Its stressful, expensive, and brings out the worst of peoples ‘character. It breeds jealousy and spoils our young. It also highlights the ever-growing socioeconomic gap among the classes. It reminds the poor that they are poor. And it gives the rich and vein ammo and a stage to flaunt their wealth in an already ignorantly divided country. The biggest problem with Christmas? We, as a society, have either forgotten or completely disregarded what it’s really about. How many of us “use to” go to church on Christmas but in our increasingly busy lives have forgone the one thing we ought to do that is supposed to give the 25th day of December substance? The number of carefully pieced together nativity sets I see around town has severely dwindled over the years while the number of unspoken light display competitions among neighbors has grown exponentially! An expanse of increased power bills and expensive electronic devices, shitting on the environment, used for only a fraction of the year for no real purpose other than to symbolize status and say to others, “I’m better than you cause my giant fucking swinging dick Santa Clause says so.” Are all these decorations really just overpriced inflated snowmen, or are they really products of under-deserved inflated senses of accomplishment for a society of people who only feel good about themselves if everybody knows about it?

As I grow in my sobriety and settle into getting serious about my upward mobility in life, I find myself in my early 30’s with two bundles of joy that turned into reckless toddlers and are now growing into grade school ankle biters. This predicament requires me to at very least appear to enjoy this time of year for their benefit. Trying to accomplish that daunting task has unfortunately only furthered my cynicism. All the values that are supposed to align with celebrating the birth of our lord and savior, or a day in early winter where we all buy each other shit, if you’re not into the god stuff, are all the values I would hope I will teach my kids to keep no matter what time of year it is. So in order to feel like a good man and not just a cynical asshole I’ve created a goal for myself. A resolution in fact! In the coming new year and hopefully there after I’m going to make sure I try my best to always remain generous to my family and others. Always remember and, when I can, be of help and service to those less fortunate than me. Remember that like patience, kindness is also a virtue. And most importantly remain close to God and stay rooted in my spiritual beliefs. If nothing else, I will keep these values front and center for no other reason than to spite fucking Christmas. In closing I will stay positive with this; the only good thing about Christmas is…. egg nogg.

[wreakinghavocnv]

My First Entry....

For my very first installment of content I'd like to use something I actually had to write as a punishment the last time I lived in a transitional housing environment. I have a chronically messy room problem no matter where I live. Back around 2018 where that was is a staple in the Reno Transitional Housing scene, CrossRoads. The following is a short essay I was asked to write as a sanction for my messiness. To this day this is one of my favorite things Iv written, essentially, I guess, because in a way it was what I do best, a chance to talk my way out of trouble. The gentleman who assigned me this task took notice to my knack for written word right away upon entering CrossRoads. And in essence I think enjoyed assigning me these little tasks as "punishments" because he knew it was A) good for me, and B) I would actually take it seriously and not hand him anything short of what I felt was my best work. I hope its as enjoyable to read as it was to write:

The Importance of Room Cleanliness In Sobriety

       In life the way we keep up our surroundings and living space is a reflection upon the way we are thinking and feeling. When I arrived at the ‘Roads I was invited to look at my life, my surroundings, my living space, and the way I react with rational authority in a different light. I was encouraged to embrace change efforts on behalf of my once polluted mind and turn problem thinking into productive and mature actions. I was afforded the opportunity to seek gainful employment while the rest of my circumstances remained stabile. Consequent to finding that employment and simultaneously becoming a senior member of the Crossroads “family” I became complacent in regard to up keep of my dwelling and arrogant in my attitude towards the resident rational authorities. It is imperative to not become complacent nor too comfortable at the ‘Roads for you will be swiftly reminded you are graciously being granted an alternative to imprisonment.

                The luxury and comforts that come with living in C house are not a privilege of tenure in the program but a privilege of a willingness to continue to accept rational authority, and a continuance of identifying and correcting problem thinking while building upon other aspects of your life. It is believed by some that a messy room is a direct correlation to the vulnerability of ones sobriety. It is unacceptable to let the little things like laundry and making your bed go by the wayside when the time arrives to invest your efforts into employment. A wise old man with a mustache once told me that “Anyone can stay sober” but its what you do and the new habits you must form once you become sober to cement the longevity of the absence of substance.

                As addicts we are almost always a very rebellious and anti-authoritative people. We thrive and prosper in anarchy and mayhem. BUT it is the direct and main objective of the powers that be to keep order and structure because that’s just the way the world works. Acceptance and compliance with order and succumbing to conformity may not always be fun but it is required to engage in any sort of normality. It does not matter if you disagree with authority, or claim to see blatant double standards, or even witness certain people being drunk with power instead alcohol. Part of radical acceptance is understanding that I do not run Crossroads and I need to keep a “yes right away attitude” whether I agree or not because my residency depends on it.

                I admit that I became haughtily rebellious and un-deservingly entitled and complacent in salutation to my room cleanliness. I have diagnosed the problem thinking, and have actively been working towards rectifying my actions and showing more respect to my roommate and the rational authorities of Crossroads. I believe I should be allowed to continue my residence in C building as I view this as a minor slip-up and believe I have been fulfilling my other duties in maintaining a sober and productive lifestyle. As well I have agreed with myself and others to not let my attitude fall short in further proceedings here at the ‘Roads. 

[wreakinghavocnv]

The New Blog!

 I'm starting this blog to showcase some of the pieces of amateur writing work I've come up with and will come up with.  It's an aspiration of mine to someday become a paid writer and actually make money off the content I create. Or even better to possibly write a book at some point. Sometimes I try my hand at poetry and/or song writing. As well I like to write short nonfiction essays or articles about random topics. I am always open to suggested topics from readers (assuming one day I actually have readers).      My grammar may not always be great and my spelling probably worse. But the point of the blog is to mainly have fun and work up the courage to start letting people read my work, and also to help me pass time, as I'm recently clean from drugs and currently live in a sober living house where I tend to have a lot of free time.      Finally, the name: Wreaking Havoc. I aspire to one day own some sort of business and I always thought the word HAVOC would be a totally great name. something like Havoc refrigeration, or Havoc metal fabrication, Havoc sheet metal, or Havoc projects, something along those lines. But where does it come from? Well as I previously stated I am in early recovery. I have been struggling with an opiate addiction pretty much the entirety of my adult life. And as I was in active addiction and making poor decisions I would often have talks with my father. I'd b sitting there across from his desk in his office or riding shotgun in the truck on the way to get one of my few valuable objects out of hawk. Or some other kind of mission your forced on when your son is a junkie. So usually, we'd be in the midst of a heart-to-heart conversation or some form of a come to Jesus discussion in which he would generally say to me; "JOSHUA! You are WREAKING HAVOC on your life!!" and somewhere in all that frustration radiating off my father that phrase wreaking havoc stuck with me. With a subtle form of determination that I would eventually amount to something, and my dad wouldn't have to be disappointed with me anymore, and I could pull some good out of all of our long talks together.      SO, here we are I'm about 7 weeks clean and attempting something positive with my time. If your eyes are here, now i hope they continue, and I hope somebody somewhere someday can maybe take something positive away from the works that follow. Enjoy, my new form of: WREAKING HAVOC!