writerwithoutapenname

[writerwithoutapenname]

Before you cast me the villian think about this:

I still buy presents for people who destroyed my life.

[writerwithoutapenname]

I am deeply hurt by the world that has rejected me since birth.

[writerwithoutapenname]

I write for the girls who have to blow dry their hair with tears streaming down their face.

[writerwithoutapenname]

I'll play another sad song on repeat and read some better poetry by better artists that describe my hopelessness much more eloquently then I ever could.

[writerwithoutapenname]

One thing about me is I dip when I'm unwanted

But I'm not wanted anywhere so that makes it hard to live

[writerwithoutapenname]

Cold.

It eats away at time outside.

Along with my neighbor and their seizure inducing headlamp they use to walk their dog.

I'll go inside and maybe I won't break down right away.

But inevitably I end up in front of the mirror with eyes red and blurry.

I ask the reflection why, as if it would hold any answers.

Even blaming my own physical imperfections seemed an easy answer.

The deeper philosophical reason of why anyone would do this to anyone.

Why someone would be this cruel....

My twin cannot answer that.

It can only assign character flaws to skin deep ones.

[writerwithoutapenname]

When life is too much I still hold the plush you had last.

The last thing you laid on other than me.

The last thing that kept you company through the night.

I try not to replay what happened.

And just hold it and pretend it's you.

It makes me feel like maybe you're close to me.

Perhaps that is another fantasy like the one that broke my heart the second time.

But I like to pretend you're still watching over me.

Perhaps it will be the only semblance of comfort I get in life.

[writerwithoutapenname]

[writerwithoutapenname]

Stop being surprised when the people you treated like shit and broke down.

Break down.

Don't you dare play the victim or saint.

Karma said motherfucker don't you be late.

[writerwithoutapenname]

Sometimes avoidance of feelings is the only way to exist in the moment.

It may feel dishonest to how you're feeling or your truest self but sometimes to live to see another day you just have to ignore it.

We walk around all the time with unhealed pains. This doesn't have to be forever. But to get through now, maybe it's okay to not think about it.

You can pick it back up when you feel ready.

And you will.

Or at least that's what I tell myself.

[writerwithoutapenname]

I exist but I do not.

You made me feel like I existed.

I cannot break any further.

Can no long pretend I didn't look at the skies in childlike wonder.

Don't do this to me.

I whisper to no one in particular but anyone that would listen.

[writerwithoutapenname]

Dear God I cannot suffer anymore pain I swear to you, ease it or I will meet you soon.

Act accordingly.

[writerwithoutapenname]

In another life I don't cry half my life away.

[writerwithoutapenname]

When I said this was the last time I'd let a man into my heart

I meant that shit

[writerwithoutapenname]

And suddenly you're looking at pictures of another girl thinking if you only looked like that...

Maybe if you started a scam business too

Maybe if you lived that influencer life too

Maybe if you posted public videos of your legs in a bath

Maybe if you were skinny

All these maybe's

There's no good in dwelling on it but you do so anyway

Count the calories

Since it's something you can control

Anything to regain control

Being stripped of your last emotional connection to people takes its toll on you

[writerwithoutapenname]

God I was brought into this world in pain

And yet you took everything that made me joyful

You gave enough of something good to take it away

So that the hole was felt

Besides my life I have one tiny pocket pet I still care for

You took my everything

And gave me something to hope in...

A cruel joke

You've taken that too haven't you?

Twisted that I come praying to you that it isn't true

Tell me you haven't taken what I cared about most in the world again?

Made me believe in a better world

Please tell me you haven't just given life to me to have me live out my days in misery

Have you taken my only source of happiness again?

Even if I were to get some joy back the marks on my soul would darken every laugh.

Tell me cruel god? When is it enough?

Tell me you're not as cruel as the history you wrote for me.

Tell me it's not the end.

[writerwithoutapenname]

I tried to find the play on words and eloquence of a writer better than me.

Maybe I'm not as creative as I thought.

Maybe I need another pill to focus my mind.

Maybe they didn't need all that.

Maybe their brain works fine.

Maybe I'm weak

Maybe rhyming maybe over and over is not the hook you might think it is.

Can only speak from experience.

My words fall on deaf ears.

Perhaps that's the way it will always be.

The internet eventually scrubbed of useless accounts one day.

No one will remember.

The tragedy of an untalented writer.

I can't find the clever words to tell you about things anymore?

Did I ever?

When the last flower wilts on my grave.

When I'm in someone's thoughts for the last time.

What a nothingness that will be.

I want to tell you in special different ways without coming off like reaching for a thesaurus.

But it's just me.

Whatever talent I had escaped perhaps with one too many concussions.

What a nothing piece or work this is.