writing-how-i-feel - Tumblr blog

[writing-how-i-feel]

Painfully lost.

I think most of what I am going to say will be true for many people but I don't see a way forward in my life. I am past the point where I need to be a self sustaining person who can function without the help of others. I should have become good at this a decade ago but I didn't, or maybe couldn't. But here I am needing help from others to keep on existing.

I often imagine the ways I change who I am to be a independent individual but falling short would be an immense understatement for when I try to be that person. I feel very weak and pathetic that I need someone to remind me to set a reminder to turn off a stove or oven, to close a fridge, turn off a sink, close or lock a door, or even eat sometimes. It feels like my mind too often exists so far from this world that I can't realize these mistakes. I am sure that I am, to some degree, aware of the sound of water running or the heat of the oven; Why won't my mind take notice?

A continued truth for me is that I feel mentally so far away from my own life. I can't remember details of my time alone from day to day. I feel incapacitated and unable to do many simple tasks. The noise of my intrusive thoughts make it hard to focus. Physically I feel overwhelmed; I feel like my ribs are going to crack inward from a pressure I am not sure is real, heart beats painfully, a never-ending pain behind the bridge of my eyebrows, and no matter how slow and deliberate I breath I feel suffocated. The medications I get put on never work no matter how many years of switching between them. The hours of exercise only makes my body feel further from my mind. I can envision small steps towards my goals but that only causes self loathing in my failures to achieve those tiny steps forward.

I try to do all that the doctors, therapists, and friends/family suggest. Why am I this way? Why does the maze of clouds my mind resides in even exist? Can the hatred I feel in my failing the worlds expectations of what it means to be a human let me be so that I may have a moment of rest? I just want to be better. Please.

[writing-how-i-feel]

Why is death so kind?

I guess I see death a little differently than people I talk to. I also realize saying shit like that makes me still the emo teenager all these years later but I think every goth punk emo kid who has "grown up" has some edgy opinions too. Death is probably not a healthy fixation I have.

To not be me. To not think my own thoughts. To not have to spend all of my time trying to create versions of myself that pass as a real person every single day. I think the amount of effort it takes to be a different person makes death seems so inviting. I know I am weak and lazy, I have known this for a long time. I know others struggle and work through it. Why couldn't I be that way? Why does the idea of not turning the wheel as I go through the winding roads feel like it would be just so much easier?

Inaction calls to me, it whispers so sweetly in my ear "Don't look up, don't listen for the cars, just walk," "Relax. There is no lifeguard; five feet is more than enough to sink," "You can let them just fall into your hand; don't count. Close your eyes and swallow." It would take so little to be set free.

I have learned how to be a person. I know when to lie and when to omit. I know that others often say things they don't mean. I have figured out how to tell. Many years of getting this wrong has helped make an abundance of versions of myself I can present as a real person. There is still some hurt I feel when I get it all wrong. It reminds me that I have to try to be a person harder than I think should be necessary. I haven't given up, despite how tiring it is but I fight on in this way.

I know that we can choose the person we are. I know that on a fundamental level. I make the actions of the person I want myself to be. The actions are supposed to make me who I am. Why does it feel like I am never the true person who is performing those actions? I can act kind. I can act helpful. I can act considerate. I can act empathetic. Why doesn't my actions make me who I am? Why can't I forgive myself for thoughts I don't even want to have? I don't want to wish pain on others. I just want every part of me to align with my actions.

I do fight. I fight every day. I fight to not spread the malice inside me to anyone else. I fight to not want harm and hatred in the world. I don't want anyone else to be like me. I don't want to do anything that would cause others to hate like I do. I also fight to be a real person. I don't want to get that part wrong all the time. I hated being alone in a room full of real people. But I am weak and I am lazy and I see no end to my fight other than death. So it seems like a kindness. Death offers a hand as if to say "I see your burden is small and insignificant but for you it seems so heavy. Leave it; leave it all behind and walk away with me."

[writing-how-i-feel]

The love of you, K.

I look at you and all I see/ Is every single thing I want to be/ I want to try my best for you/ I want to be a part of all that you do/ You make my world come to life/ You hold my hand and I release all my spite/ The world isn't a place I have wanted to live/ But with you I see the beauty in it/ For so long I have hated myself/ But with you I feel like I could some of that go/ Your love has given me a faint glow/ I want to be worthy/ I want to stop hurting/ I want to be enough/ I want to be someone who you won't ever stop loving/ I know that I have to improve/ I have to change my world view/ So all the wonder in the world can reach me/ With you by my side it seems almost easy/ But you can't always be around/ When I am alone my emotions hold me down/ The world grows dark and I can't tell you how/ I need you/ I am scared to be on my own/ My mind gets cold and pain is the only flame/ I don't know any other way/ I hope you never see the blood on my floor/ I don't want you to see it and turn away/ I can't tell you how much you mean to me/ I know that how I need you is unhealthy/ I will never demand you to stay with me/ I don't want to prevent you from being all you can be/ But my strongest desire in all my heart/ Is that you choose that you too don't want to be apart/ Because with you I think I can find love/ Enough to maybe become myself again/ The person inside who once was a friend/ I will never make that your responsibility/ I will never make you feel guilty/ You should always feel like you can leave me/ I won't tell because I know you'll see my dependency/ But I hope with all my heart you stay/ You choose without obligation or guilt/ And maybe one day I can show off the amazing self I will have built

[writing-how-i-feel]

Sometimes it only hurts.

I see a world I don’t want to be in/ I see people and feel like I don’t fit in/ the world is a rain, pouring down on my soul/ making a river that always seem to flow/ it wears me down and tries to wash me away/ most of the time I struggle to make it through the day/ I fight the current with weakening resolve/ It gets harder and harder to press on/ After a lifetime of trying to stay afloat/ I start to lose hope/ I want to move on and see what comes after this/ So I try to figure out how to come to the end/ to the place that I think I could be free/ A place that doesn’t have me/ Inside my head some part of me hasn’t given up/ It thinks it sees lighthouse up on a rock/ from the bottom of the ocean it walks/ that part keeps fighting on against all the pain of the water that has filled my brain/ at the bottom of the ocean it keeps looking to the lighthouse that it thinks it sees/ a beacon for my future of hope and beauty/ in that lighthouse it sees a place where I’m not alone/ I have a place to call my home/ A place in this world with people who care about me/ and want me to be all I can be/ and stay right there with them, not out in the water/ it’s that part of me that keeps going on/ while the rest of me sinks into the deep/ where it plans to forever sleep/ that part of me that keeps wades on/ is just looking to the lighthouse that never is near/ but from a distance seems to have a pier/ where a single person could stand/ reaching out trying to lend a hand/ maybe from the pier they could pull me out/ so that part of me fights on against my self-doubt/ that would so much rather drown.

[writing-how-i-feel]

Song for AZ. I am sorry for how I loved you. Please be happy without me.

I see you walking in the door and think I couldn't possibly love more/ I see the smile on your face and am filled with a strong sense of hate/ I know that I want to be with you more than anything I have ever wanted to do/ But more than that I just want you to be happy but I know that that means you shouldn't be with me/ The pain takes a moment but hurts less than my resentment.

I hate myself for loving you. I just want you to be happy as you make me. Maybe it is selfish but I know I don't deserve you. I don’t deserve you at all. Seeing your smile every day knowing that it is wasted on me. Hearing your laughter when I’m alone with you is the happiest that I’ll ever be. And when you say that you love me too it really reinforces that this was the right thing to do.

As the blood pools on the floor I wonder if I could have done something more/ I wish that there would have been a different way for you to see that you could do so much better than me/ But as my mind slowly begins to fade I know that I'll miss you in every single way/ I loved your smile and I loved your heart but this is the only way I know how to break us apart/ I could never let myself let you go and I shouldn't feel this way, I know.

I wake up with you by my side and I guess that I didn’t die/ You look so scared and ask how I could have dared/ You hug me close as we both cry but the pain inside me refuses to subside/ I guess that hell is real because you still want me despite telling you how I feel/ I don’t know what that I can do I can’t seem to prove I am no good for you/ Even now you say I’m the only one you’ll ever love and it kills me because I don’t know how I tricked you into caring about me.

I hate myself for loving you. I just want you to be happy as you make me. Maybe it is selfish but I know I don't deserve you. I don’t deserve you at all. Seeing your smile every day knowing that it is wasted on me. Hearing your laughter when I’m alone with you is the happiest that I’ll ever be. And when you say that you love me too it really reinforces that this was the right thing to do.