writting-down-my-shitty-tho-blog

[writting-down-my-shitty-tho-blog]

im good :D

i havent been writting at all. cause like i said previously, i only write when im not well. but im back to my normal self :D it was the fucking medication that made me feel like shit, and thankfully my doc changed the drug brand, and this new one does not bother me at all :D just some back and ankle aching, but thats about it! im feeling great. no mood swings, no sadness, not feeling trapped. nothing. nada. im super happy :D yaaaaaaaaaay

okay, bye now :D

[writting-down-my-shitty-tho-blog]

hot mess

i feel like my life is a hot mess. last night i was hanging out with my boyfriend, and we started talking about things. life. our lives together. our lives. our future. drugs. education. our passions. we talked and talked for hours. i love it when we just sit there next to each other, and talk all night long. its theraputic. it bonds us even more. i love this man more and more each time i see him and i speak to him. he is so lovely. when we sleep together and i happen to wake up first, i love caressing his cute face and his hair. i love just watching sleep. i feel love. its a beautiful feeling. i dont really feel like that with anyone else. nor i ve ever felt like that before him.  its such a unique feeling. its so nice. i feel loved. we have a very special relationship. at least in my eyes. we ve been through some though shit together, and seperately. it made us stronger. we basically grew up together. i want to spend my life with him. yes, we fight. sometimes. but our fights are always stupid. and they last a few minutes. i think that we are so different as personalities, that we actually compliment each other. its difficult to explain it, but i feel like, we are meant to be. i feel so loved and cared for, its amazing. i dont have any doupts about him. i trust him 110%. and as i get older i feel those emotions stronger. its weird. but its true. when people ask me about my relationship, they get shocked in a way. i just want our lives to be good. fun. full of love and happiness. i know that he will be there for me, and he knows that i will be there for him, no matter what. we re together and we support each other, we pick each other up. together in our ups and downs. always. because this is what you do when you love someone unconditionally. anything else is just selfishness. and im not talking about problematic relationships, like the one mt brother has. im talking about relationships, were people are too busy with themselves, they forget to love their significant other. i wish my brother would let go. idk why he doesnt tbh. shes too clingy. too pushy. but he stays. why? i want to ask him, but i know that he wont tell me. so ill stay silent as always. you know, sometimes i wonder, is it weird that im so quiet? idk. sometimes im hanging out with people, and i wont say anything, unless they invite me to othe conversation. i just like listening to what they have to say. im observing maybe? idk. i ve always done that. but when i was younger, i wasnt observing. i was just staying silent. there were times, where i was with my dad for the weekend for example, and we would go outside with his friends for dinner, and none would talk to me. maybe they would, just to ask me if i needed anything, but nothing more than that. i feel so alone. none wanted me there. and i realize that now. i realize lots of things now, that happend 15 years ago, or more. its heart breaking. i just know that my dad was never really around because he wanted to. well, i knew that deep inside, but i hoped. uh. this is going back to my dad now. and its not about my dad anymore. he is the root of many problems i face today. im happy i have someone that cares about me today :) my dads actions are in the past. well... he still does the same shit today, i just distand myself from him a few years ago, for that reason. i dont want to hurt anymore. this is nice. i like this whole writting thing. i dont know why i decided to make a blog though. i could ve made a word file or smth. idk :D       

[writting-down-my-shitty-tho-blog]

nothing kills you faster than your own head

today i wanted to write about my acne. i ve been dealing with this shit for about i wanna say 5 years? i think its 5 or close to 5. anyway. i believe that im a very attractive person. not in a narcissistic way. i just see a pretty image in the mirror, thats all. i like looking at myself when my skin is clearer. but when its not, i rather not. sometimes i feel disgusted when looking at my skin. i ve always had a few pimples, like during my teen years, but nothing more. i had a pretty clear complexion. around my college graduation i starded getting severe acne breakouts. it was all over my cheeks. it was so painful i would cry. sometimes i couldnt even sleep on the side of my face. before summer (this past summer) i took for about 4 months an acne treatment, and during all summer and till october i had such beautiful skin. i dont even remember when i lastly saw my skin glowing like that. never maybe. it was so pretty, plum and juicy :P no, for real though, i was obsessed!! took so many selfies. i felt so good, and i felt so attractive, that other people around me were noticing that. wherever i went, people would stare at me. and i wasnt doing anything weird. just passing through people, and they would stop and stare at me. at first i thought i had something weird on me, but then i realized that i was glowing. my self confidence was making me glow. it was nice. i felt so good. one of the best times ever. i still had some ugly thoughts spearingly, well, only after my period (pms). in early october, something triggered my acne again unfortunatly, and it got back full beast mode once again. i got acne all over my face this time. my cheeks where the clearest area tbh. my forthead, a mess. my chin? omg. my jawline.. dont even get me started. i forgot to mention that i pick on my skin. i pick on my skin until theres nothing else to pick on. its not that satisfing, its just, i want to get rid of those impurities. idk. anyway. right now im almost at my one month mark on acnotren (isotretinoin) and it got worse, as i expected ofc. but my forthead was so irritated when i started, now its getting smooth and pretty again. my skin is super dry, which is not that awful tbh. i ve always had super oil skin, and its so annoying. my scalp??? omg. i get go a week without washing my hear! it doesnt get oily. before, i had to wash it every other day, because it would get oily, like the same day... anyway. hopefully this treatment will work once and for all. because this whole thing its so tiring. i want nice skin, is that too much to ask?? today i ve felt anxious again. but not that sad. i cried i think for a few seconds, but nothing crazy. i dont feel happy though. i feel nothing. i cant wait to see my boyfriend tomorrow. this will make me happy. im so happy when we re together! yay. anyway. thats all i had to say. its been a pretty calm day, so thats good. oh! almost forgot. i took some tests online, about anxiety and depression. the results said that i have mild mood disturbance and a bit of anxiety. i dont think that these tests are accurate, but its a way to see if theres something really wrong with you. idk. i was just curious to see the results. hopefully im not bipolar though. lol. anyway. cya.   

[writting-down-my-shitty-tho-blog]

shit

oh hey, hi. i havent been in a very bad place lately, cause i ve been very preoccupied with some personal and family problems. its been a very stressful couple of weeks nontheless. i didnt have time to feel sorry for myself actually. i was so stressed i couldnt even sleep well. but the past few days have been more than overwelming. i feel like im trapped. actually i am. i got nowhere to go to escape. things are gonna change. but i really dont want to. i do not like change. i get stressed. i like things im used to. i dont like getting out of my comfort zone. i really dont. to be frank, i fucking hate it. moving places is my worst nightmare. idk what to do in order to stop it. idk what to do. idk how to feel. i feel sad, disgusted and extremely stressed. im stressed with work as well. its not going well. i havent felt like a complete failure lately though. but i start to think that im feeling trapped, cause im a fucking failure. idk what the fuck to actually do. my thoughts are all over the place like always. but this time, im trying to take my head off of it, like its gonna solve the problem. nothing is gonna solve it, so i might as well stop thinking about it. srsly idk. i want to leave to badly but im thinking of Jeremy. i want to leave and take him with me. i feel like the only person i have right now is my boyfriend. im so stressed i cant think straight. why is my brain like that? you know, in my family runs a schizophrenia gene. idk the correct terminology, but yeah. my aunt actually has it. its a different type of it, but its basicaly schizophrenia. im not saying i have it as well, but i know im way more sensitive compared to my brother and other family members. family. funny word. theres no family. its just me. i thought about killing myself just to espace this whole shitshow. and thats when i decided to write again here. idk. this wont be as long. but. idk. sometimes its hard for me to cope. my boyfriend actually lights my world up :) he really does. im so happy i met him. he understands me like none else does. he is always there to support me. he helps me get up when im down. because i dont let anyone else see me when im down. none else knows. only he knows about these dark shitty thoughts i have. he is my light. and he helps me everyday. i try to overcome what is happening to my head. but when im like this, i cant think straight!!! i can only think about how much of a worthless being i am. anyway. idk. its weird. i think i got it out of my system. kind of. im still stressed as fuck. bad at least im not that stuffed. cya   

[writting-down-my-shitty-tho-blog]

a different topic

im gonna write i little bit about lil peep. i listened to his music actually a few days ago, and i was amazed. never hearded anything like it to be honest. a very unique kind of music. i loved it. he is - was - an amazing artist. unfortunately he died. drugs. not an od as many say though. i dont think he wanted to die at that moment. it was a bad batch. fakes as they call them. they killed him. he abused them, yes, but he knew his limits. his death for some odd reason, really shocked me. i didnt know the guy. like i said, i found his music like yesterday or something. i was watching a video of his a few weeks back, before he died, an interview, he was talking about his tattoos. i thought, wow, what weird tattoos he has. then i realized that this was his whole lifestyle. his tattoos respesented evereything he was. really cool. i got really good vides, but as im not a huge fan of rap music, i unfortunately didnt search him atm. now, i feel like i ve missed so much, and im gonna miss so much more, because he is gone. its so sad. he was 21. abusing xans and writting music about how sad he is and that he is gonna die soon. some of the lyrics really moved me, and some other made my skin crowl. he knew it was coming, he didnt knew when. i think that he believed, that he would ve been able to choose the time and the place, rather than how and when it happened. i dont think he killed himself. i dont think he wanted to die there, before a show. i cant know ofc. but im just observing. as im searching for more of his music, i feel mesmerized by the beauty of his songs. each song is so truthful and has strong feelings attached. i ve cried a few times listening to them. especialy when i remember that he is no longer here, to celebrate his success. its so sad. im very sad. and i think isotretinoin is making me drepressed. but this is a different post. i wanted to write this, because its been stuck in my head since i learned about it. very sad. amazing talent, great person. why does such good talent go to waste? or does it? we dont know whats after death. maybe there is something even better than living. maybe you get transfered to a different dimension, where you get to experience life on an other level. without judgement, without fitting people to boxes, without finger pointing. well... thats my two cents. rest in peace lil peep, where that may be. 

[writting-down-my-shitty-tho-blog]

mistakes

i read the previous post a wrote, a few hours ago, and i saw some spelling mistakes that i did. even though i wanted to go back and fix them, because im somewhat a perfectionist, i dont want to touch it. it was correct in the moment. i decided to write here instead of a journal. you dont really correct your journal, right? well, even if you do, i dont. and i wanna leave the mistakes there. its pure that way. mistikes though. not only spelling mistakes. but mistakes in general. what do i think about mistakes? i dont think i ve done many mistakes in my life. i dont think people make mistakes in general. we do as we please in the moment and then we regret. i dont. yes, i done some questionable things in my life, but do i regret them? not necasseraly. i feel extremely bad for some things, but can i change them now? no. i can not. i dont regret things i ve done in the past. especialy things i thought were correct at that time. i dont usually do things i regret though. whatever i do, i understand completely that will come with consequences. clarity is the word i wanna use, but idk how to use it in this correctly. i was never a good student. on the contrary, i was one of the worst in all of my classes throughout the years. at the time i kinda felt bad for being a “bad student”, but generaly speaking, i didnt really care. school. a cookiecutter. full of taboos. i always knew i was gonna be an artist. i always loved art. fine arts. i love fine arts. i studied visual arts in high school. did the IB programme. it was cool. learned many different things, i wouldnt in “normal” school. im still growing as an artist. there is so much art out there to look at, and learn from. its incredible. some people say artists are lazy people who like to starve themselves. i believe that artists are the ones you trully understand and see things how they are. they live in a different reality than the rest. im very fortunate to be doing what i enjoy the most. my dad didnt really support me back then though. i was in a private school, and i thought i wanted to be a doctor one day. i really wanted it at the time. but, i know myself. i couldnt do it. i didnt want to do it. im not a person that can sit down for hours and study. i never did that, and never will. i study things i find interesting and intriguing. im an artist. do i  express myself through my art? i dont think so. not that offten at least. there are times when i feel like i wannt paint or draw something, and i do, and i feel better afterwords. i like seeing my art too. i hang my art above my bed. my art is usually full of color. i dont do anything dark anymore. i used to. but not anymore. i doodle when im anxious about something. i doodle a lot. its like an automatic mechanism that starts to doodle. some people will start shaking their foot when they re anxious. i will doodle. i like my doodles. they re kind of weird but i like them. i wanted to make a whole piece out of them. my dad doesnt appreciate my art. idk why. i guess he doesnt undrestand it. but i ve seen him appreciate other artists. why not me? his own daughter. idk. my mom supports whatever i do. shes right next to me. my brother? idk where he stands. i know he is happy that i busy myself with something that i love doing, but thats it. maybe im wrong, and he is proud of me. my boyfriend told me that he is proud of me. because he said i fight for the things i want to achieve. he is proud of me. he is the first ever person to tell me that is proud for something i did. first person in 24 years. i knew he was happy that i was trying to make my art, but i didnt even think that he could ve been proud. idk why it was such a surprise when he told me. i almost bursted in tears that moment. he laughed. he makes me laugh. he makes me happy. he makes my life happier and easier and brighter. i wake up and i look forward to seeing him, and hearing him and smelling his scent. is it weird? idk if it is, but even if it is weird i dont care. he is my other half. happy times. not always, but mostly. we ve been through some shit together. it was though. its all good now. i feel numb. once again. i let my feelings take over while im writting this shit post. ugh. what wrong with me? sometimes i feel helpless and alone. alone. alone all alone. even when im not really alone. but i know im not alone. but this feeling takes over. and i feel alone again. anyway. im much better now. and yeah. im good. mistakes. there are no mistakes. we do shit just for the heck of it. dont regret anything, because life is short. and you should just live it. 

[writting-down-my-shitty-tho-blog]

idk why im here

i ve been thinking of making a blog like this for quite some time. today i decided it was about time to actually make one. took me about 10 minutes to make it look nice, because i like my things being pretty. idk why im here though. its more like a psychotherapy session for me. this is so new and weird. i never write. i havent written my thoughs since i was maybe 14? idk why i felt like writting today. my arms are kind of tingly from the way im sitting on my bed with my laptop on my lap. its funny. idk how to write nicely and my english is not even that good, but idc, because this is for me. its for me to experience. this is gonna become a mess really quick, so, get ready. buckle up. i have a few people that i feel genuinely care about me, they are very few, but they re true. they re three to be exact. my mom, brother and boyfriend. they do love me, i know it, i just wish my brother was more open about his feelings. my mom also loves me to bits. my boyfriend is an other reason why im standing on my two feet right now. so i have three people that care about me and i have three people i care about. idk what im saying. im not good with words like i said in the beggining. i feel stuffed. idk why i feel like that though. i feel anxious and weird. when i was younger i used to get super nervous about stupid things. i thought they were huge problems. i didnt know what real problems mean. i ve been through some tough shit. its okay, most people get through shit in life. thats life after all. but i feel like i was never trully happy. maybe when i was a child? i dont remember myself even being trully happy. yes, i ve felt happiness countless times with my boyfriend, because he is one of the only people i ve ever met, that makes me show my emotions, my true feelings. its difficult to keep quiet when im with him. which is weird because most of my life, i ve been quiet. i was an “easy” kid. i never spoke and did whatever i was told to do. you know, i believe that its thanks to my mom that im here today, writting this shit. if she had left back then, i believe i would ve either be dead by now, or nearly dead. my father. he is a story himself. he is the lord of “i cant express nor show my feelings to anyone”. i dont think my dad feels anything to be honest. he was never around, and i think he never really wanted to be around, and not because he is a shitty person, but because he honestly doesnt have any feelings for anyone. no even himself. he doesnt love himself, he doesnt love me, my brother, nor my younger brother. he doesnt love his family, he can feel any emotion. he is problematic, and that has left a scar on me as well. i grew up begging for his attention. i still want his attention, i just stopped fighting for it. he doesnt care, and he never will. so i realized i should stop spending energy and mental health for him. i feel lik trash sometimes. sometimes i feel like im at the top of the world. but now i feel low. low and shitty. idk why. i just do. i dont have many friends either. well, i locked my friends out, so i cant really say that i have friends. i have one good friend, that i rarely spend time with, but i love it when we hungout. my boyfriend is my best friend though. i trust him to death and i can tell him pretty much anything and everything. he listens and understands me. i trully believe he is my other half. he is my one and only. with the years passing, i feel a stronger bond between us, and it makes me fall more in love. but its not just being in love, it is pure and real love. the only think he doesnt understand is when i talk about this stuff. that i feel worthless at times, and that theres no need for me to be here. i feel like a fucking parasite. i havent done anything with my life so far. yes, i ve worked for a few designers, yes, i ve been trying to do my own thing, but i still feel like a failure. what is success? what is living? what is life? and is life worth living? is it even a reality? idk what reality is anymore. its so weird to me. why? as im growing up, i feel these emotions stronger. a few years ago, i didnt even think of killing myself, or feeling worthless, you know. why do i feel like that now? why now? what changed? maybe i ve come to realise that life is... what? so many questions that none can answer. and for the fact, i dont drink, nor i smoke, i dont do drugs (except some md) and i try to be as healthy as possible. but why? i mean, if life is short and one should live it at its fullest, one might as well do anything one wants. idk. i wanna party till i can no more. i wanna but im scared. you know, when i was younger, i was so afraid of dying, i was terrified. i would get into the car with my mom for example, and she would speed up a bit, and my heart would race like crazy, thinking i was about to die. nowadays, im not that afraid. i think that if its my time to die, i will and none can really stop it from happening. do i believe in fate? no, not really. but i believe that everything is programmed to happen. every step of the way is scheduled for us. i had this brief convo with a friends friend the other day, we were talking about suicide, and whats the best way to do it. she said that she thought the best way to do it is by haning yourself. i disagreed. i said the best way to do it is by shooting up heroin to od. idk where to get it, but when in need, you find ways to get it. like i said, i dont do drugs, and im not interested in doing any of these, hell, i dont even smoke! pff, this is getting stupid. this is a brief introduction to my thoughts. idk if a have a mental issue or not (im sertain that i have daddy issues and dermatilomania, but i ll leave that to the professionals to decide) but im not ready to go and see a psychotherapist. i ve been to one before, thanks to my dad. he made me go. we were supposed to go together, in order to “fix” our relationship. but only once he joined me. i went alone a few times and then stopped. i feel empty now. i let all my emotions take over while writting this long ass post. i feel ligheter somehow. it feel theraputic actually. i feel like im gonna continue to write here. its nice. its a different approach to my problematic thinking :)