wzrdoz-blog

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✉️ princess leah

Leah: i had to google it to see if she actually had a dang monkey

Leah: ape enthusiast isnt smth u hear everyday

Oz: the effort you go through for me is touching

Oz: i'll be sure to include it on my match.com profile

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✉️ princess leah

Leah: u know too much abt dora the explorer

Leah: yeh u get the monkey

Leah: or ill forget u know she has a monkey

Oz: maybe i'm just an innocent ape enthusiast

Oz: you're the one hitting me up with dora the explorer facts

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📲 fiesta

Ford: thats encouraging

Ford: im gonna throw my pitcher on the ground as a distraction and run

Oz: throw a smoke bomb

Oz: disappear in style like evil knievel

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✉️ princess leah

Leah: !!! have u seen my blue backpack anywhere?

Leah: this wouldnt be so urgent if i hadnt borrowed my roommates charger without askin

Oz: what kind of dora the explorer aesthetic

Oz: is there a reward involved if i find it?

Oz: a monkey maybe

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how do people who don’t use adblock get anything done

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connor-roth

“Do you think this looks good?” Connor murmured as he stuck out his lips, an odd, dark shade of purple on them as he capped the lipstick and stuck it back on the shelf. “Honestly, I think I’d make a good drag queen.”

Oz dramatically turned around with flaming orange lips from the bag of Cheetos he’d already popped open, halfway through crunching into the stolen goods. “Caught red lipped,” he confessed whilst licking the flavoursome dust coating his lips like a suspicious salamander. “Shit, dude. You look great. Colour really complements your cheek bones.”

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plzjude

“Maybe it’s meant more metaphorically? Like in an ‘affect me with your music’ way instead of a ‘beat me with your drumstick’ kinda way,” Jude hypothesized, smirking at the imagery of someone actually requesting to be physically assaulted with a drumstick. The boy studied the other’s face at his next words, a small frown appearing on his mouth. “I’m guessing the camel part is a Marlboro reference, but why a sad one?”

“Maybe that’s just me emotionally projectile vomiting in the peak of my hangover. You know what my mom used to tell me to try and get me to stop blazing? She said there’s a whole church inside each and every cigarette, right? Filled with rosy cheeked children,” Oz audibly scoffed. “I told her to call me Freddie Krueger, lit a dope bong and blasted ‘Sean Kingston - Fire Burning’. Somebody call 911.”

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harrisonxellington

Harrison was now staring at the person who had taken the seat next to him on the bench. He thought for sure no one would be out here with it being so cold, but low and behold, he had a strange visiter. “A…sad…camel? Is…Is that a pun about your cigarette?

“There are no puns in this life, Harry-san. Only existential despair, outdated memes and misery. Fuck, sounds like a Paramore song.” Oz raised his cigarette and pointed at Harrison with the burning cherry. “Got any stellar life advice for me today?”

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sxskiacohen

She sucked in smoke, ashing her cigarette and blowing out slowly. “Catchy. I like it. Put that in a Toyota commercial. I think we’re getting somewhere with this camel themed pop music. There’s a whole untapped market out there, and somebody’s going to do it.”

“Only if they let us also star in the commercial like Jessica Simpson with a couple of fat, fuck off burgers. Otherwise known as Oscar Hendricks’ dream career goals.” Staring wistfully into the horizon, Oz inhaled another sharp drag before he discarded his dwindling cigarette. “I’m always tapping into markets I have no idea about. Pros and cons of being a lazy whizz kid.”

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nnax

“I mean, I didn’t exactly run away to Greece. I just did something I felt like doing and I’m getting spanked left and right for it. Now my probation officer wants to meet with me, so fuck knows,” he shrugged. “There’s probably a warrant out for my arrest or something. I’m really pushing the limits these days.”

“Your poor bottom,” Oz noted solemnly. “Can’t believe you’re being hunted down by a law enforcing Rossetti. Shake the next tree you happen to talk to. Might find a hive of hornets or you might find a few bells to bribe him with. Don’t worry about it though. People who bounce around the ringer--... shit’s got to start looking up eventually.”

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maggotlady

“Damn shame. Cigarettes are your gasoline then, huh? Your fuel,” she nodded solemnly, surveying his face. “But what if they weren’t. What if they didn’t exist? Then what?”

“Brilliant Freud analysis, Margot no. 5. Low on self esteem so I run on gasoline,” Oz robotically sounded out the syllables and sparked his cigarette with a battered Goonies lighter. “Cigarettes exist in any mortal realm I happen to coexist in. If they didn’t, I’d be thrown into a state of forced evolution and sprout them from my fingers like Edward Smokes-his-hands. Better luck next time.”

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@badlymilligan: @wizardofozly since when was max the new willy wonka? i want a refund on my golden ticket and i just What my fucking Pie

@wizardofozly: @badlymilligan if max is willy wonka then i'm grandpa joe, you can be veronica salt and pearl? augustus gloop the great big crazy nincompoop

@wizardofozly: @badlymilligan we'll start a charlie and the chocolate factory tribute band

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schxana

“And you fucking hate me too? Oh my god, that’s hilarious! I guess Joan Rivers had to die so you could truly live. Why don’t you tell another knee-slapper?”

“If only mentions of that distasteful, offensive old hag died when she did. How about this for a knee-slapper?” Oz bent down so he could lightly slap Scheana in the knee. “Slap!”

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joy-ventura

“Sad camel,” She repeated, giving him a once-over before nodding her head in agreement. “Nice cosplay. I personally think you look more like a sentient sweater that got ran over, which is just as original,” She smiled, taking a sip of coffee. “Fun time last night?”

“Shit. I asked the bartender for a shot of buttery nipple and this frat guy at the bar thought I was asking his girlfriend if I could shake and butter her nipple.” Oz sucked out a final gush of nicotine before he stubbed his cigarette into a nearby ash tray. “I’d say you should see the other guy but you’d be better off watching him in the safety of your own living room -- his friendlier clone stars in The Goonies. Hey you guys,” Oz nasally sang out Sloth’s line. “Jokes on him, I guess.”

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📲 hallmark

Valentine: I've had enough hands for one life time, thanks

Oz: alright floop

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@badlymilligan: @wizardofozly tag yourself i'm augustus gloop drowning in cadburys as willy sails on violently dabbing without a care

@wizardofozly: @badlymilligan does max also have an army of oompa loompas who do all his biddings? i hope somebody kept them fed them while he was off tanning in 14° degree weather

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me riding a roomba around my house as my only form of transportation: what walls will we bump into today, my small robot friend?