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very curious on all your thoughts on the new bucktommy statement

there are a lot of variations of this in my inbox but i’ll use this one to explore my thoughts.

my immediate reaction to oliver’s statement was disappointment and doom and spiraling because i so hoped and expected that we would get another opportunity to see tommy, and i still feel like buck needs to have a conversation with him and that tommy would be the perfect person for buck to break down with. so tommy not being present, at least in my immediate emotional/reactive state, was a let down. even if it doesn’t mean anything is necessarily over, i can already taste the spite and the negativity. a hateful agenda taking this as a win is unfortunately an impending reality.

but after taking a breath, and taking a beautiful walk, and listening to some sad music, i can’t help but acknowledge that oliver’s response was really lovely. it was so positive! actually it’s been a long time since we’ve heard him say such lovely things about bucktommy and about lou. and… oliver didn’t shut it down. he wasn’t even neutral or playing dumb. he specifically said that he looks forward to seeing how their story will continue next season.

it’s funny, all week i wrote about how buck and tommy moving in together would be impulsive, and i would have enjoyed the mess of that, but i still do think it would be a mess. the road back to each other really isn’t prone to be a simple one. tim warned us tommy wouldn’t be easy. being lonely wouldn’t be a good reason to get back together, as buck and maddie said, and i don’t believe grief is the best reason either. so maybe this is getting drawn out to s9. it’s not like the final fifteen minutes of the episode, in which they might get allocated one minute, would feel satisfying for a story that’s been building for well over half the season.

i guess my ultimate point is that if oliver had said something like, hey that was a great relationship but that’s over now, we would have reason to believe that tommy wasn’t coming back. however, oliver said things are up in the air, he said he’s looking forward to seeing what happens between buck and tommy in the next season. and you know what else? we haven’t seen the fucking episode, guys. we don’t know if buck talks about him (which he’s done in multiple episodes where tommy wasn’t present). he’s most certainly still pining.

so i think we shouldn’t jump the gun here. let’s see how things play out, it’s not over til it’s over.

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i don't have a prompt to give you but like. thank you for all of your writing today, it really made me feel some kind of fantastic way. (did you have an idea for a prompt that hasn't been sent in? consider me asking for that.)

you are so kind and i am so late with this. HOWEVER. have 1.7k of...something.

5 times tommy kisses someone on the cheek, one time someone kisses him on the cheek

1.

His date to junior prom is called Michelle. She's his lab partner in chem class, and she has pretty brown hair, tumbling in curls to her shoulders. Tommy picks her up from her house, because Michelle's really sweet and there's no way he wants her anywhere near his asshole dad.

His friends are all talking in the run up about how they're gonna get laid, and Tommy jokes along because, well. It's not like he doesn't wanna have sex. Of course he does. Michelle's great.

So he picks her up from her house and he hands her a corsage and her mom takes photos and her dad gives him a hard glare that rolls easily off the shoulders of someone who's lived in Thomas Kinard's house all his life and Tommy's hands are sweating and his suit is uncomfortable and her dress is pretty and he doesn't know how to dance and he's so fucking relieved that someone spiked the punch and at the end of the night he walks her home and kisses her on the cheek.

He kisses her on the cheek and she does the same to him, leaving a peachy-orange smear of lipstick and Tommy walks around the neighbourhood until it's late enough that he doesn't think his dad will be awake to bust his balls for being home early, and he doesn't try to figure out whether the feeling rolling in his gut is relief or disappointment. 

2.

His mom won't look at him in the aftermath. It's the first time his dad's ever been on his side in an argument. Well, kinda. If shut up, Sarah, it'll make a man out of him and Christ knows I haven't been able to can really be called being on Tommy's side. His dad had signed the paperwork when his mom had refused, so they all knew this was coming, but his mom's been tearful and furious and a little drunk ever since. 

Tommy's seventeen and he leaves for basic in the morning and his mom still won't look at him.

"Mom, c'mon," he says, trying one last time. "I'll be fine."

"You don't know that," she says, and he hates and regrets how scared she sounds, but he just - he can't stay here.

"I'll write you," he promises. She still doesn't look at him, so he bends down and kisses her cheek. Her skin still smells of the same Nivea Creme it has his whole life, the stuff that comes in the little blue tin.

"I love you, mom."

He lets the door close quietly behind him, doesn't make the trip down to the den to say anything to his dad. Nothing left to say there.

3.

The first man Tommy fucks more than once is called James. They meet in a bar, Tommy blows him in the bathroom, and James suggests they get a motel. They do, and he proceeds to make Tommy see god for the rest of the night and into the early morning hours. They talk after - James works in finance (boring, he says, but I'm not complaining about the money. Tell me more about firefighting, though), he's lived in California his whole life. He tells Tommy how cute he is, how much he'd like to see him again.

He's maybe ten years older than Tommy and so handsome it makes him ache. Tommy's so caught up in it that he doesn't think twice about the fact that they either go to Tommy's little shithole apartment, or James says something about treating him and whisks Tommy away to a fancy hotel in San Francisco or Malibu or even Portland once, for a three night stay where they barely left the bed.

He doesn't think about it until he sees James at the grocery store one day and approaches with a smile, with his heart beating harder in his chest the way it always does when he sees that handsome profile, that scattering of salt through the thick pepper of his hair.

"Hey," he says, and in the aftermath, he can hear the excitement in his voice, the ridiculous way it dips and rises on a single syllable.

James's eyes widen for a split second and he says, "Oh, hey. Tommy, right?" and Tommy has a split second to be confused before he registers the woman at James's side, the way James is putting an arm around her waist, the way he's saying, "Honey, this is Tommy, we go to the same gym. Tommy, this is my wife Suzanne."

Tommy feels sick. He feels like he's going to pass out. He feels like he isn't real. James's eyes are wide and terrified, and Tommy can't believe - 

He smiles and shakes her hand, ducks his head to kiss the cheek she offers him (whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck). 

"It's lovely to meet you," he says, like he isn't in the middle of his own personal apocalypse, like fire isn't raining down on him from the sky.

Stupid, he thinks as he walks away from them, abandons his basket, has a panic attack in his truck. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

He doesn't hear from James again.

4.

Tommy's been dating Jackson for three months. They haven't really defined it yet, haven't had the are we exclusive talk, because Jackson's a little younger and he hasn't been out for long. Not that Tommy has, either, but he's trying to be cool. And anyway, it's not often that Tommy gets to feel more experienced than the people he's dating, more knowledgeable, more settled, more queer.

The sex is crazy good, and Jackson's cool with Tommy's weird schedule - they met on a call, after all, so he knew right from the start - and more than anything, it's fun. They don't just fuck, which has been most of Tommy's relationships since James, and that's not - it's not a complaint. Tommy's pretty settled in his own company. But Jackson likes art, and karaoke, and baseball and hiking, so they date. They're dating. Tommy likes it a lot.

And then.

"I think I met someone," Jackson says, and his eyes are sparkling, his smile bringing out a dimple Tommy doesn't think he's ever seen before. Tommy can't even be mad. "I think he's really special," Jackson says, as though that needed saying, with the look on his face.

"I'm happy for you," Tommy says, and he is. He is. He's just also a little…wistful. Not all the way to sad, but…yeah. Wistful. A sense of oh, that could have been something.

They part outside the coffee shop which, on reflection, should have been a sign. They've never just met for coffee before.

"Hey," Tommy says, and gives Jackson a hug, kisses him on his soft cheek. "Don't be a stranger, okay? Good luck with your guy."

"You're so cool, Tommy," he says, and Tommy smiles like that's enough.

5.

Tommy was not expecting Evan Buckley.

Wasn't expecting him to capture so much of Tommy's attention as he's flying through the tail end of a literal hurricane. Wasn't expecting to spend so many hours dissecting that tour and their texts running up to it. (Was that flirting? Was that? Okay, but that had to be, right?) Wasn't expecting to kiss him in his bougie-ass kitchen and watch a softly stunned expression spread over his gorgeous face.

Wasn't expecting that mortifying first date to leave him feeling anything other than like he'd dodged a bullet. Wasn't expecting Evan to reach out again and look at him in the sunshine with so much hope on his face that it makes Tommy feel like he's turned completely transparent and Evan's looking right into the mess at the heart of him. He certainly wasn't expecting an invite to a wedding, of all things. And he definitely wasn't expecting Evan to kiss him - try to fucking inhale him - in the hospital lobby in front of god and everybody and then drag him into the wedding like he's the guest of honor or something.

He also wasn't expecting the enthusiasm, the abandon, the sheer confidence with which Evan took him home that night and took him to bed and took him apart. 

Oh god, Tommy thinks, once Evan's fallen asleep and Tommy's wide awake in the city lights that aren't muted at all by the decor appropriate but definitely not black out blinds on Evan's huge windows. This one's gonna hurt.

He kisses Evan's cheek, warm with sleep, rough with stubble. Evan turns towards Tommy in his sleep, one hand reaching out, a soft murmur leaving his parted lips.

Yeah. This one's gonna hurt real bad.

+1. 

Another coffee shop. Another hopeful smile. Another time that Tommy's heart turns over in his chest at the sight of Evan Buckley.

But everything is different now. Evan is different now. He's marked by grief, and he's more serious than Tommy's seen him, and he's so - he's so calm as he lays it out:

"Listen. I haven't stopped thinking about you. Through all - all this. Through everything before. I miss you. I really miss you, Tommy. I miss the way you see me. The way you know me. The way you like me. I miss your shitty sense of humor and your bitchy eyebrows and how kind you are. Tommy. God, Tommy, life is so short. I want to try again. What do you want?"

Tommy feels like the world is tilting under his chair, like the coffee is going to come back up, like he's on fire.

"That," he makes himself say through numb lips. "I want that. Evan, I want - "

"Okay," Evan says, and smiles, small and real. He leans across the table, big hand tilting Tommy's head, soft lips pressing a gentle, lingering kiss to the angle of his cheekbone. "Okay."

Tommy closes his eyes, tries to imprint every little part of his moment into his memory. Wants to go to his grave remembering exactly how that kiss felt, the smell of Evan's aftershave, the touch of his fingertips, the warmth of the sun.

Evan sits back in his chair and Tommy thinks be brave. Be brave for him. Be brave.

"Hey," he says, and fiddles with his cup. "I'm pretty sure you're the love of my life."

Evan smiles and catches hold of Tommy's hand, brings it to his lips and kisses it. "Well. That works out nicely."

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you make it all about you.

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Tommy + :ɪ

+ extremally blurry but can't forget it

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2019 / 2024

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You're about to close on your very own, suspiciously affordable and comfortable house. Just before you sign the contract, the realtor shows you the required legal disclosure: your new house is haunted by the type of presence you'll get from this spinner wheel.

Of course it is.

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guys i love bucktommy so much

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a bucktommy poem

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here’s what i think. i think that if you watch a drama about first responders who risk their lives on a daily basis, but you watch it because you think it’s a slow burn romance because someone online told you it was, and then you turn around and claim that the show is “making fun of you” or “laughing in your face” or being “cruel to the fandom” - well, i think you’ve probably convinced yourself that this show is something that it isn’t.

people die. firefighters die. and you know what, babies and children die. to think that bobby’s beautiful full-circle story was anything but carefully crafted - we’re not watching the same show. like, we can’t be. you’re watching edits on tiktok. you’re watching week to week and clinging to anything that feeds the machine. 9-1-1, from season one (skipped by many apparently, which is a damn shame), has never shied away from the darkness of the human existence, and it never will. this show isn’t what you’ve told yourself it is. there’s nothing to be afraid of, though - you can enjoy darkness, you can appreciate it. no one is pranking you. no one is laughing at you. you can enjoy it for what it is. think your own thoughts.

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a future with you

day 30 submission for @bucktommycharityrace!

From April 1 to April 30, 50 creators will post their creations while bringing awareness to 2 organizations: Lambda Legal and American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU). The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) is a nonprofit organization founded in 1920 and fights to protect civil liberties. Currently, the ACLU is fighting to: advance racial justice and systemic equality; protect and expand voting rights; defend immigrants’ rights; protect LGBTQ equality, including trans youth; advance criminal justice reform; defend reproductive rights.

Please consider donating for ACLU 🌞

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911 8x15 Lab Rats

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hey

hey guys

remember how a bunch of buddie-stan journos published "exit interviews" and swore up and down that lou was off the show for good and tommy would never be back, ever ever ever never

despite the signals the breakup was putting down

and we just BELIEVED THEM

to the point that thoughts about how he might return were called "delulu" even amongst ourselves

i think about that sometimes.

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"Trying to get your attention has been kind of exhausting."

Evan "Buck" Buckley and Tommy Kinard // 9-1-1 Season 7, episode 4, 'Buck, Bothered and Bewildered'