xherbivorex

[xherbivorex]

50 short rules for living a good life (from the Stoics).

1. Focus on what you can control.

2. You control how you respond to things.

3. Ask yourself, “Is this essential?”

4. Meditate on your mortality every day.

5. Value time more than money and possessions.

6. You are the product of your habits.

7. Remember you have the power to have no opinion.

8. Own the morning.

9. Put yourself up for review. Interrogate yourself.

10. Don’t suffer imagined troubles.

11. Try to see the good in people.

12. Never be overheard complaining—even to yourself.

13. Two ears, one mouth for a reason.

15. Don’t compare yourself to others.

16. Live as if you’ve died and come back (every minute is bonus time).

17. “The best revenge is not to be like that.” —Marcus Aurelius

18. Be strict with yourself and tolerant with others.

19. Put every impression, emotion, to the test before acting on it.

20. Learn something from everyone.

21. Focus on process, not outcomes.

22. Define what success means to you.

23. Find a way to love everything that happens.

24. Seek out challenges.

25. Don’t follow the mob.

26. Grab the “smooth handle.”

27. Every person is an opportunity for kindness.

28. Say no (a lot).

29. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

30. Find one thing that makes you wiser every day.

31. What’s bad for the hive is bad for the bee.

32. Don’t judge other people.

33. Study the lives of the greats.

34. Forgive, forgive, forgive.

35. Make a little progress each day.

36. Journal.

37. Prepare for life’s inevitable setbacks.

38. Look for the poetry in ordinary things.

39. To do wrong to one, is to do wrong to yourself.

40. Always choose “alive time.”

41. Associate only with people that make you better.

42. If someone offends you, realise you are complicit in taking offence.

43. Fate behaves as she pleases…do not forget this.

44. Possessions are yours only in trust.

45. Don’t make your problems worse by bemoaning them.

46. Accept success without arrogance, handle failure with indifference.

47. Courage. Temperance. Justice. Wisdom. (Always).

48. The obstacle is the way.

49. Ego is the enemy.

50. Stillness is the key.

I’ll leave you with the one rule that captures all the rules. It comes from Epictetus: “Don’t explain your philosophy. Embody it.”

[xherbivorex]

“As I walk alone I use the rain as my veil, to conceal my real thoughts...”

Well, It’s been a while since i posted here... 

 one of the things I learned about myself last year whilst processing all of the complexities in my broken brain was that, as much as I value solitude, I have a genuine emotional need to share my living space with someone.

 At my heart, I'm a people pleaser- although I’ve spent a substantial amount of time and effort over the past 14 months or so working on myself both emotionally and physically, I didn’t really acknowledge that there’s been something missing for a very long time but being forced into that solitude during long periods of “lockdown” definitely brought about that realisation.

 Take, for example, my love of cooking good food. I mean, obviously I do it to eat well, that’s a given. But, far too often I’ve found myself feeling pretty sad that there’s nobody else (other than my son, whenever he’s here) that gets to eat it too. “Andrew you should open a restaurant” isn’t cutting it either, as much as that could be fun (but probably not!)

 Anyway none of this is really the main crux of why I felt today was the time to write here again- I am seriously struggling right now. Have been since before Christms, but rather carelessly I tried to ignore it (which, as we know, was what got me to crisis point in 2019).

There’s moments, periods even, of peace and clarity, but for the most part I’m incredibly lonely and the prospect of that never changing is overwhelming me.

 And whilst writing this helps, to an extent, I genuinely don’t want sympathy, nor do I expect anybody reading this to be able to offer a solution. That’s all on me.

 Maybe there is something we could all do though- just be more kind. Always. We don’t know what may be going on with someone, what invisible battles they may be fighting but believe me, even just a smile or a little “hello” to a stranger might just be exactly what they needed at that instant. It certainly wouldn’t hurt.

 I sincerely hope you and your loved ones are all safe and well.

Love,

Andrew.

[xherbivorex]

Progress? Update.

It’s been a little while since I last posted, but that’s just because I’ve been focused and super busy working to get my life on track.

I’m not going to go into much detail right now, there’s way too much to go through so that’s for another time.

My counselling/therapy commences next week, finally. I’m going into it with an open mind and a deep willingness for it to help me finally slay my demons, but despite that I’m also feeling my anxiety levels rise a little in anticipation of it. I know I have to see it through though, no matter what- it’s way past time I got the life I should be living.

Love,

Andrew

[xherbivorex]

Another update.

https://www.blurtitout.org/2019/08/22/talking-mental-health-easy/?fbclid=IwAR1P2vt3DdvLzJc2gdigDPaqZSm2tZxMoJynVihPSeQkcV4b-giZ8SBb83c

The above link is so very true, definitely for me. An added complication being that for a very long time, I refused to admit that I was ill and just thought that I could handle it all, which clearly was wrong. I had an assessment with local MH services last night to determine what, if any, course of psychotherapy would be appropriate to help me resolve my issues and it was pretty hard going. For the first time in my life I opened up entirely about the way I've been, the way I view the world around me and the events from my childhood/school days that I have carried with me subconsciously buried but which, they agreed, have absolutely shaped and badly tainted my outlook. It felt cathartic, as well as incredibly draining. But there's progress, since there appears to be clarity on the roots of my troubles then we can work on unpacking and resolving, and continue to fix the way I see the world now. I'm hoping that the real me can finally surface, because I know that man who's been so angry and negative at times is not who I am. I just hope that the people closest to me believe me and don't give up on me.

Love,

Andrew.

[xherbivorex]

Progress Update

Hi.

Not a lot has really gone on over the last 3 or 4 weeks; meds seem to have calmed things but not completely, I still have periods of very low mood but I’ve discovered a couple of coping strategies, notably meditation that I’ve began to learn via the Headspace app. It’s a huge help, seriously.

I have an assessment with local Mental Health service next week to determine how we can move forward and finally put to bed all of the things that I believe my problems are rooted in (I know what they are, just not how to deal with them and move on).

From research I’ve done myself, it would seem that the ideal route for me would be AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) but sadly there are no UK based practitioners anywhere near me, so we’ll see. Looking into it though, it appears to be precisely what I need to uncover who I really am, because I do know that I’ve been lost for pretty much my entire adult life, and I’ll never stop trying to make amends for the way I have treated some people very close to me throughout my life.

Love,

Andrew.

https://aedpinstitute.org/about-aedp/

[xherbivorex]

Full Disclosure.

This entry is likely to be a difficult read for some, and for that I apologise in advance, however I promised myself I’d use this to document everything, so here goes.

I gave serious thought to ending my life on Friday night.

And again this afternoon.

I mean, that’s all it really was- thinking about it. I don’t think I was actually going to take any further steps, but who knows if that was just down to my stubbornness/will power or what? But I did think that everyone would be better off without me around. And I still do, to some extent. Not everyone, no- many people. This is harder than I thought it was going to be, putting this down in words in public, but yes. I hit rock bottom (for me), I’ve never had such a low opinion of myself that I can remember (at least not in the last 25 years or so), not sure what this mediocre underachiever has to offer the world and no clue where my place in it all is.

BUT I’m determined to get better, and whilst I have no doubt that it’s going to be tough, I’ve already taken the first steps back up (despite these thoughts).

Love,

Andrew.

Footnote:   not aimed at anyone here, but if someone puts their trust in you and tells you that they’re struggling, and that they hate themselves/have nothing to offer, please don’t respond in ways like “don’t be stupid” or “man up” or whatever; it’s not helpful in the slightest and in fact probably has the opposite effect.

The weird thing with these negative thoughts, low self-opinion and all that other stuff is that those of us going through this genuinely do not think we are being “stupid”, the illness causes us to really believe we are worthless people.

[xherbivorex]

Antisocial Media?

Hi.

There’s something of a bittersweet irony in me choosing to go public about my struggle on social media. In some ways, it’s a part of the problem- the pressures on folk to conform to unattainable, unreasonable, often downright impossible standards of life are well documented, as are the negative effects on physical and mental health that often follow.

But there’s a good side to it too, mostly that it is what we make of it and it’s possible (I thought about typing “easy” but I’m not sure it is) to focus on the positive, and indeed use it as a positive force for change in the world (your world, if that’s what you need).

I myself am working on changing the way I use social media, both as a consumer and a creator of content. I need to drop the negative elements, it’s not good for me and I imagine ultimately not good for anyone. I mean, it’s tough; we’re navigating our way through troubling, difficult times in the world right now and there’s a lot of bad shit happening. There’s probably no avoiding that, it’s a fact, but what we can do is look hard at how we let it affect our mood, and that’s what I’m doing. If I read something unpleasant/nasty/mean but it has no direct bearing on my wellbeing (or those around me), I try to let it go. It won’t do any good to dwell on it. Conversely, something good, upbeat, positive- take it on board. Share it!

The thing is, in the past I’ve been terrible on social media/online communities/forums etc. I’ve been a dick to folk, I’ve posted mean stuff, I’ve just generally not been nice. I’m far from proud of it, even if I’d felt at the time that it was directed at people who deserved it. They probably didn’t; at least not from me.

With the advent in online “communities” and so on, I saw a means to pop my head above the parapets whilst still remaining invisible (which is how this post links in with the overall purpose of my blog). And I got carried away at times, not in a good way either. It was an outlet for the anger that my illness would cause, I could be a dick to people as much as I liked with no real chance of any consequences to me. Which, as is obvious to me now, perpetuated the negativity consuming me “IRL”. I intend to never let that person return.

Love,

Andrew.

Footnote: part of the whole letting me be visible whilst still invisible thing that was actually positive was that my last 4 relationships all began through online interaction, without which they would probably have never even got off the ground what with another thing my illness causes being a huge lack of confidence and Imposter Syndrome, so it wasn’t all bad (even if I did make a pig’s ear of them all)...

[xherbivorex]

A Brief Explanation.

The timeline of this blog as it grows and evolves is unlikely to be linear; I expect to be using it both as a journal for my recovery and also a dumping ground for thoughts and memories related to the overall subject matter that may come into my head.

Please bear with me, mostly it’ll be for my own benefit but I do genuinely hope that others may take positives from the entries I make here.

Love,

Andrew.

[xherbivorex]

The Genesis.

Hello.

For my entire adult life, I have suffered from mental illness. Probably longer, in fact, at least as far back as my early teens. But I didn’t realise this, let alone accept or admit it (even to myself) until recently.

And this is the first time I am opening up in public about it.

I have wanted to write this, wanted to talk to someone, anyone, for quite some time. But despite all the recent upsurge in societal openness about mental health, it’s still really fucking hard to come clean, possibly especially for men (however now is not the time for me to get into that).

Let’s start here (although it’s not the beginning)- I’ve not been a particularly nice person for a long time.

Actually, that’s not true; I have, but I’ve been hidden, buried beneath the illness that’s caused me to struggle with everyday situations that most people probably find totally normal, things like going shopping for food, walking down a busy street, standing in a queue to get into the cinema etc. I’ve spent my life putting it down to me just not being built to do well in groups of people, and whilst that’s highly likely to be true I don’t have to let them affect me in such a negative, destructive way as it has done. That’s the illness that causes such a reaction- anxiety kicks in and the fight or flight response totally takes over in even the most non-threatening of situations often resulting in defensive outbursts towards those closest to me and on more than one occasion over the years it’s ended up with catastrophic consequences. 

And yet I still didn’t recognise, acknowledge or address root cause despite how many relationships, both social and intimate, have been left in tatters over my life.

The irony in this, the effect all of this has had on those around me, is that I now realise it could probably all have been avoided if only I’d put myself first. That is, self-care. Standing up for myself. Saying “no” more often. That kind of thing. All of these are ideas that have come to the fore lately with the growth in understanding of mental health issues, just how prevalent they are in society and the methods we should employ in order to defeat our demons according to all those books available now.

But doing that would have meant I’d be making myself visible, and that’s the very thing I’ve spent my entire life trying to avoid at all costs, so this is where we get to the beginning of the story.

Mrs Bell was my teacher in the 4th year of what was then called Infant School, so I’d have been 7 or 8 years old. This is really hard to write down, but I remember it vividly; I was very good at reading, at one parents’ evening the school told my mam and dad that they’d ran out of books for me to read! I was into sci-fi and ghosts, outside of school I was reading a lot of Dr Who novels and the Armada Ghost Stories anthology paperbacks you could get back then in the mid 1970s. Anyway, that’s a slight digression.

They used to have us stand up in front of the class to read chapters from the books we were all reading. I’m not aware of any of the other kids doing this, but I would always clear my throat first prior to commencing reading and at some point, Mrs Bell began to imitate me. This eventually brought it to the attention of the entire class, and most (if not all) of the other kids joined in. It was fucking horrible; I wasn’t doing anything wrong was I? So why were they all taking the piss?

I didn’t remember telling anyone about it but I spoke to my dad today and he said they knew, but didn’t realise it was having such an effect on me (and at the time, although it upset and hurt me, I had no idea how far reaching and long lasting those effects would be).

So I buried it, but the damage was done; the crack had begun to open. There was nothing significant for the next 3 or 4 years, I was good at almost all of my classes except for P.E. which I was okay at, but physically too small to make any waves and get into any teams which, in all honesty, suited me since it lessened the chances for people to notice me and I’d realised by that time that I didn’t want/need to draw attention to myself. Somewhat paradoxically, however, I was one of the few boys in my school with long hair by then, which in itself probably drew a degree of (unwanted) attention!

The out and out bullying began at around the age of 14. A specific group of kids were responsible for most of it, at first just name calling but there were a few physical assaults. I tried to fight back at times, after trying to tell the school it was happening and them basically saying it was all in my head, but eventually it was clear that the fighting back was futile, it was safer and easier to flee.

Many of the details of these days are missing from my memory, in part because I had began to drink alcohol to numb things, but I do recall in a Maths class finally reaching breaking point and hitting a kid twice my size over the head with the entire top of my desk, which finally caused the school to listen. No serious harm was done (to him, physically, and he and I went on to be friends a year or so later), but the bulk of the bullying fizzled out. At least, during school hours; there were several incidents on my way home, at home (kids trying to force their way into the house when my parents were out!), evenings/weekends…

Anyway, skip a few largely uneventful (in terms of significant events anyway) years and I managed to perfect the art of underachieving compared to what I knew my potential was, in order to remain anonymous. I mean, I say “perfect”; this also allowed the anxiety to build to (at times) crippling levels, depression to set in and both to fuel the other in a vicious and destructive cycle that has essentially defined my adult life. And it’s very painful to admit/accept, because I lose me way too often to it and usually results in hurting the people I love the most in the world, including me.

There’ll be more to come but this has been exhausting to write, however I had a significant breakdown last night, ended up in hospital and opened up completely to mental health staff (also exhausting), thus beginning to finally get me back.

Any of you that I have hurt, been a dick to etc etc- you’ll never know how sorry I am and I hope I can make it up to you some time.

Love,

Andrew.