xotrippy420

[xotrippy420]

And then there was one more…

A little bit after dad died, I wrote a post about how can life ever be the same when we’re down 1. I didn’t know where to turn, what to start first, how to make this okay for the people I loved most, how could I fix the most important people in my lives heart? I didn’t know how we were gonna survive this, and I didn’t know if I could.. that’s honest. But we started with one foot in front of the other and when we wouldn’t budge anymore and we thought the pain would literally rip our hearts out of our chests you carried us. You made sure everything would continue to move forward because that’s what you taught us that life is about.

And sometimes it still hurts like that very first day, and sometimes we still haven’t been able to figure out how to be okay. And sometimes I still wonder how I would fix my moms heart who is without her highschool sweetheart… my brother who’s without his best friend… my grandma who lost her baby, her youngest child, and no momma should have to lay her baby to rest. Looking back now I realize things I didn’t that day… like, Mawmaw didn’t even go see dad. Probably because she didn’t want me to see her like that and partially because she couldn’t handle seeing us like that. And I didn’t know how we would make it when we were one down…

But now… now we know. Now our hearts are filled with excitement again. And now our hearts can’t wait to know if you’re a boy and will be like your Pawpaw. Or if you’ll be a girl and would’ve had him wrapped around your finger (I know, cause I did lol). Now our hearts know the same love we lost, and dad for me you know it’s probably gonna be a little more because you always told me you love your kids the most. I didn’t know how I would live one down, but you went home because your work here was done. And it’s okay dad. I understand. I wish you were here with all of us, but I promise our baby will always know who their Pawpaw was and just how funny he is. I’ll remind them everyday that your love is unconditional and never ending, so even in death you’ve loved them the most… how could you not? They were literally hand picked by you. I know I will rep what I sewed and that you’ve picked me one that’s just like me, and maybe, just maybe you’re giving one of our siblings the chance to come home. I don’t know but I know we’re not one down anymore and I’m so thankful y’all sent this blessing to us.

My mom can now find her new self. The one without you, and as shitty as that sounds we know that’s life now. And mom has to learn who she is alone, who she is without being Stephanie and Chad like it was for 25 years.

My brother can now love this baby a way he’s never understood love.. and I know he’ll be my babies best friend.. because he’s mine. ❤️

My grandma will have her baby again. And she will have something she loves almost as much as dad.

Your birth is saving the most important people in my life baby, including momma. Look at all the joy you’ve brought without us even meeting you… please make it to my arms. We’ll see you soon, in September we’ll no longer be down one.

And we still miss you dad.

[xotrippy420]

You…

Sometimes I get so frustrated that I don’t know how to react properly, and that goes both ways.

We don’t always see eye to eye and we definitely don’t always agree.

This relationship hasn’t been all giggles and sunshine, but that’s any relationship.

Life isn’t easy, and nothing about it is easy either. But loving you has given me so many things that I thought I had lost and would never get back.

I am thankful you every single day, but some days it’s like everything dawns on me all at once.

It may be when I’m looking at you, when you flirt with me, when everything around us is crumbling and you hold me, the way your lip curls when you smile, or that you push me to be better… but sometimes all the emotions I try to hide from in fear of being hurt, find me. And I’m stuck thinking about how lucky I am. How much I love you. And how thankful I truly am for someone like you.

Sometimes you don’t see yourself the way I do. Well, I know for a fact you probably never do. But I wish you could. Because you’re so much better than what you see in yourself. I’m so proud of you. And I’m grateful that every single day, you choose to be mine.

[xotrippy420]

I wish you wanted to touch me, wanted to love me, wanted to make me feel good, but yet it’s the same thing different day with a new attitude. Yupp. That’s it.

[xotrippy420]

I Want to Kill Myself, but Not because I Want to Die...

I haven’t wrote in awhile, and I’m sorry, but it’s not like I have any actual daily followers who listen lol 🙃 but life’s been quite hectic since loosing dad. I pretty much force myself to stay constantly moving. Life’s been hard without him, but I’ve survived. And better than I thought I would and that bothers me. I’m not saying that this isn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but somehow I found the hope I had once lost through loosing you. I was reminded once again not to take time for granted or someone that you love. I also was shown that everything I ever prayed for is right in my hands. I am sober, healthy and the happiest I’ve ever been. And I don’t want to die anymore, for the first time in a long time I truly mean it when I say I do not want to die anymore. Even after loosing my dad and my first baby less than a year apart and somehow I still want to be here. I still want to be here for the rest of my life that I know somehow will turn out beautiful with everything I’ve ever asked for. And yet, I still want to kill myself. I cannot explain it. I don’t know how. The best thing I can say is that I’m just tired. It’s that simple... I’ve tired to write about my entire life and honestly I feel like it’s truly impossible for me to get everything I’ve been through in my 23 years on paper. I’d never be able to tell you all the things I witnessed, did or thought. The places I’ve been or the people I was with. I couldn’t tell you the battles I faced with the help of others and the hardest ones that I had to fight alone. I had danced with the devil for so long that I forgot what it was like to dance with Jesus. Drugs took everything from me and I’ve taken everything back.. only one thing suffers and it’s my mind. I cannot and never have been able to control it. I don’t know how to and I’ve tried to learn. All failed attempts. My mind tells me that I’m worthless and I’m not wanted or needed. I feel empty most of the time or overly emotional. I don’t know anymore. I am fine. I promise, I really don’t want to die. I just want a break, but somehow we can’t pause time. We don’t get to stop, nor break. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

[xotrippy420]

I need too get out this fucking anger and pain I keep carry around. I just wish I could let it all out to someone but I can’t because this anxiety is holding me back at everything.

[xotrippy420]

If you ask me, I’d tell you I’m okay.

But truth is I’m probably not.

If you ask me, I’d tell you this year has been the hardest year of my life.

This year my road took me down the process of loosing my dad to a massive heart attack, so unexpectedly June 29th.

I waited for what felt like forever that day begging God not to hear the words I knew I’d hear. That he was gone. And truth is, I ended up flipping out and no one actually ever really set me down and told me yet I already knew. And when I went back into the hospital I got to go see him for one of the last times.

Not even a few months later I got the news I’ve waited my entire life for... I was finally pregnant with the man of my dreams. I was 2 months. And as quickly as I found out, I found out I was miscarrying. This roads been a long hard one. And I’m not okay. But I’m surviving for now dad.

[xotrippy420]

I beg.

I beg to be seen by you.

I beg to be heard by you.

I beg to be loved by you.

And I hate it.

I don’t know why I do it honestly, and I mean that in the most sincere way possible. I do it because I love you and I know that it’s me who causes us to be like this, but what I don’t get is why me needing reassurance is so nerve wrecking for you.

I feel like some days were perfect, but on the days that I REALLY, REALLY need you... you don’t know how to respond. And I don’t know how to deal with the no response. I just want to be loved. I want to be wanted. I want to be needed. I wish you could just find a way to talk about your feelings. I love you and I never want this to go wrong or fail, but I’m scared you’re already giving up on me and you just won’t say it. I’m so scared and that makes me and my questions so much worse. I just wish you could understand me and me understand you. But you refuse to open up to me.

by ppennylane http://ift.tt/1YIxMGk

[xotrippy420]

If there’s one thing I could say to my dad it would be I miss you. I miss him every second if everyday. When something good happens, when something has happens. When I’m happy, and when I’m sad. I miss him a way I never knew missing was possible. I knew the day I lost him that I had lost a piece of myself as well... I also decided then that the piece of myself that I let die with my dad would be the broken one. The broken little girl who was betrayed, mislead, and sexually assaulted by a man who was supposed to protect her. That’s the part of me that would die with my dad, no matter what. Since that day, I’ve pushed myself to be better everyday. I’ve had many set backs. Including loosing the two most precious things I’ve ever loved, my daddy and my baby. But things are changing because I refuse to have different. For you, I will be better. For me, I will be better. And for the man who I fell in love with, who makes me whole, my future husband. Our lives will be wonderful and I will make sure we are okay. As long as I’m living, my people will be good. Because that’s what you taught me dad. I miss you. But because I miss you I am stronger. And I can do this without you. As much we.. I never wanted to admit. I will be okay. I will survive and I can do this without you because you taught me how to do this. Even when I miss you so much.

[xotrippy420]

[xotrippy420]

Two years. I spent nearly two years of my life in a bed much similar to this one. The only motivation I had was to try and make it to the next day. I wasn’t able to work. I didn’t brush my hair everyday and I was filling my body with drugs. It went much beyond being broken. I could only remember the hopes and dreams I once had. But today I take those back.

[xotrippy420]

I don’t know how much more I can take of the kids, dishonesty and playing like I’m just fucking stupid. But ok... whatever.

[xotrippy420]

[xotrippy420]

Because we’ll never see 8, but it’s still there...

I realized today that even though this month you’ve been gone 8 months, technically we won’t have an anniversary to think about this month. And anyone reading this may take this next statement wrong, but dad it’s kinda a relief.

You see, that day is a day I hate every single month. I know this won’t last forever and that even though I’ll always know how long you’ve been gone, eventually I won’t count every single month anymore. And even though there’s no 29th this month and I get out of being forced to think about the date everytime I write it down... I still want to take a second to acknowledge where we’re at rn.

We’re still hurting. It still feels like yesterday when I hurt over you, but when I miss you it feels like forever ago. Missing you and hurting over you usually go hand in hand... and it’s hard to explain what I mean but their different. I can honestly say I rather miss you than hurt over you any day. When I miss you, I think about all the good times we had. The bad. The things you taught me. Stupid things you did to make me laugh. I may shed a tear or two, but I’m still able to smile and remember who you where. What you wanted for me. And who you taught me to be. But when I hurt for or over you, I feel my heartbreaking in my chest again. It’s hard to breathe. I can’t bear the thought of a life without you. I miss you still, but when I’m hurting you it’s more than missing you. When I’m hurting for you, I long for you. I long to have my protector back. I’m stuck back in the worst day of my life. I’m stuck standing at the back of an ambulance that I only glanced in on the way to my mom that day, only a short glance. And I still remember it so vividly. I watch them pump breaths for you. I watch them work to save the man who gave me life and I already know the outcome and it breaks me down. My knees feel weak. My head feels like it will explode at any moment. And I’m stuck waiting outside of the hospital in the middle of a pandemic for them to tell me what I already know and refuse to believe. When I hurt, I blame myself. I question everything I know and I pray to God that he tells you how great of a dad you were.

Now it’s time to acknowledge where we started and where we’ve made it to now. First of all, loosing you or any of you has always been one of my biggest fears. After finding someone you loved like a parent overdosed your perspective on life changes at little. Especially when you’re only 15. I always knew this day would come, but with heathy parents who didn’t do drugs I was pretty sure I’d have a long time to prepare for the day I’d have to say goodbye. My mistake. I know better than to ever get comfortable or to think that it can’t happen to someone I love. My dad had a massive heart attack that ended his life and he was only 42. 42 years old. I used to think 42 was old, until I got older and realized just how fast time flies by. My dad didn’t even get to live half of his life and he was gone. I never thought I’d be able to survive loosing one of my parents or siblings. I thought this would be something that would send me over the deep end. But when the time came, I pulled my shit together (only briefly loosing it for small increments) for my mom and brother. June 29th, 2020 our worlds came crashing down. We didn’t know how we would survive it. We didn’t know how to live without him. And as much as we hate to admit it, I think we’ve done a decent job figuring it out. My dad loved us more than anything in this planet. And I know that. We all know that. We all still have really bad days, numb days, days where the tears won’t stop and days where we feel fine. We miss him like crazy. And no, no one could ever amount up to what he was, who he was, or how much we loved him. Yes, we are going to cry while working. While cooking. While driving or walking through the store. We miss him. We will sing his favorite songs to the top of our lungs with tears just a flowing. We’ll probably drive to fast sometimes when he’s on our minds. We’re going to break down and loose our shits. But we got each other and we still got him. And i promise we’ll be fine.

February is 8 months. There’s no 29th but it’s still the 8 month we’ve lived our lives without you being apart of it. It still hurts. We still miss you. And we still wish you were here. I can’t honestly believe it’s been almost a full year without you in our lives. And I’m not quite sure how I feel about it just yet... all I know is that I’ll think about it in March. Because for now, I’m going to pretend that I’ve only been missing you for 7 months.

Until I’m with you again dad, we’re at 8. And I don’t know why you had to go.

[xotrippy420]

I had you... and now I don’t....

I waited so long to see two little lines on that test say you were there and growing.

The day after Christmas on the hardest year of my life I finally saw what I waited so long on. I finally am in the healthy and happy relationship I searched for. I am finally okay. Then I lost dad and then I lost you and I’m scared now I’ll loose myself.

You were already my everything. I was so excited to meet you and love you. I was so excited to see your daddy love you. And now all this is being taken at the same exact time it was given to me.

I don’t know how I feel rn. I can’t even move. I don’t wanna talk. I just want to be with you and your pawpaw.

[xotrippy420]

This one is a happy one...

I have prayed for this day. I have prayed for so long and it’s finally my turn. I know you had some play in this dad. This is the day my life is forever changed. I forever have a purpose on this earth from this second forward. I will always teach you that you are strong. Beautiful. Brave. Smart. One of a kind. And I will forever remind you that your capabilities are endless. Today starts the rest of my life. I couldn’t live without my dad, so he sent me you. December 26, 2020 my dad gave us the Christmas present I’ve always wanted.

[xotrippy420]

I miss my dad like crazy...

Before you died, it was already hard to write. I thought that after you were gone I would pick the pen back up because it was a loss similar to you that made me realize I had a talent to begin with. But this time, this time this loss is too much and as much as I want to write most of the time I can’t find the strength or the words or the want to. I don’t know why this had to happen, and most days I accept it pretty well. It’s the days like today, the ones when nothing has went right and I can’t figure out what I’m going to do to make it by that I cannot accept the fact that my dads no longer here with me. I wish there was some way I could call home to Heaven and ask to speak to you. I can hear you in my mind, and I’m sure I already have an idea what you’d tell me to help me make it by but for some reason it’s not enough when I can’t actually hear you saying it. I used to get asked, “if you could go back in time, would you?” And as much as I’d really want to see some of the people I had lost along the way I usually answer that question with, no I wouldn’t. It’s because I would never want to live through some of the things in my past twice. How could I? They almost killed me the first time around. I’d never make it alive twice. But now if you were to ask me that question, since you left, the answer would be yes. I would go back in time and relive every single heart break, every single pain, tear, and hurt. I would live through my addiction all over again just to be with you. Just to hear I love you one more time. It’s days like today when I miss my daddy the most. And you never know when days like today will happen, how often or how much they’ll fuck you up when they’re here. Daddy. I love you. I miss you. And I wish you was home with me. Until I am with you again. Love your baby girl.

[xotrippy420]

Promise.