xoyellowrose-blog

[xoyellowrose-blog]

I Am Greatnes

I doubt anyone will read this, I don’t even know why I’m posting it. What first started out to be a Facebook status, turned into a diary entry. I spent over 6 hours typing this shit and it probably doesn’t even make any sense.

I kept going back to the beginning, re reading and rewriting everything (like I was actually ever going to post it on Facebook in the first place.) and I just kept going, and going and I couldn’t stop.

So, here it is. Like I said I have no idea why I’m deciding to post it on here, but maybe someone will read it and be inspired

June 23, 2019

I can not wait for the day where I can just be free of stress and worry. Where I won’t care about anything in my life that does not personally affect me or my family.. I have always cared way too much about too many unimportant things, including peoples opinions about me. I have given all of my strength to it and I let the negativity of it all control my life and so the things that actually do matter and need my full attention, never actually get it.

I have been letting life pass me by me day by day in limbo. I hated my life so much, complained and cried all the time. I would always soak in my thoughts when I was alone , always thinking negative thought that were just full of doubt and fear. I always believed the negative and shut out the positive. I wanted change so badly, but never took the initiative to actually get up DO SOMETHING. I am afraid to SPEAK UP in fear of being judged. I could only do that for so long before things start to crumble. Now I am dealing with some of the consequences that comes with me not taking action when needed.

Everything I have worked for these past few years is disappearing. Slowly but surely. It took that happening finally see the truth in this hot mess that is my life. Someday, (sooner rather than later), things will start falling into place. The day will come when I am finally through with being afraid of the world, through with being afraid to be my true and actual self, through with the constant worry and stress over things I can not control, and stop ignoring what is actually important in life. Once I am through with letting everything get in the way of my happiness, I will be able to start taking the steps towards achieving my goals. Once I am no longer a coward to this world, I won’t look back. I will finally become myself, in true form and any person who crosses my path with intentions that are other than good, will fiercely regret ever trying.

Being alive is not easy, everyone has hardships and not one person on this earth is perfect. Life wasn’t meant to be easy, but if you work hard and follow your dreams, it will be worth it in the end. I gives me peace of mind knowing that my life won’t always be this bad. I am meant for so much more than this bullshit life I’ve been letting myself live..

Once I am finally able to come out of my shell, and take off this mask that I have been hiding behind for so long, once I FINALLY get my shit together and start taking steps to achieve my goals, and when it’s all said and done, I would have (hopefully) done a complete 180 and finally experience the feeling of true happiness.

I want to be great. I want to be more than great. I want to do great things. “Why”, you may ask? Because I was destined for it. I was always destined for greatness, But i was (and still am) a coward. I got into the habit of letting my fears get in the way of my dreams. I let fear get in the way of me doing and saying the things that I wanted to so badly. I keep it all built up inside of me no matter how bad it hurt. I have been like that since I can remember. Always afraid to speak my mind because I was too nice or was afraid I would offend someone or create conflict. To this day, I am that coward. But FINALLY at least, I am starting to be able to see things a little more clearly. Little by little, piece by piece. And even though the hardships are still not over, and that there are so many obstacles I need to overcome, I have FINALLY started to open my eyes and see myself for who I really am, despite all the negativity.

I am beginning to finally be able to realize my self worth, what I am capable of and what I am meant for in this life. I am finally able to see that I am meant to be something more, and even if it comes to me by bits and pieces, I know that when I finally achieve my goals and make it to the finish line, I will be able to look back not regret one thing that I had to go through to get there. Not one motha fuckin’ thing.

I have hated myself my whole entire life. Everything that made me, me, I loathed. I hated my name, I hated my body, I hated my voice. I hated every single thing about myself. I couldn’t even look in the mirror without feeling pure disappointment. It never mattered how many people would tell me how beautiful I was, how wonderful of a person I am, (and there were quite a few) I would usually get at least one compliment a day when I was in high school. Even my parents friends and co workers would tell them or tell me how beautiful they thought I was, how talented I was..But I never believed a single one of them. Not even once did I consider they were telling the truth. I didn’t think it was genuine, I thought they were only saying it to be nice because I was 15 years old and weighed 250 pounds, and when I would mention my weight out loud, people would just compliment me to make myself feel better about being fat(?) I don’t know where I came up with those crazy thoughts, but that’s what I believed and I believed that every person who gave me a compliment was full of shit and bologna. It never even made me feel good about myself when I would get complements. To me, they were just words with no meaning. They would just go in one ear, and out the other (much like everything else, I’m not a very good listener lol)

It wouldn’t have mattered if a million different people told me that they think I am beautiful at the same time, still, when I looked in the mirror the only thing I would see was my weight. I couldn’t help but be disgusted with myself and how I looked from head to toe..always convincing myself that I will never be good enough for anything good in this world, or that I’m not worthy of happiness or love. I really hated myself that much, and having to carry the burden of it all got so bad where I couldn’t help but feel that pain every single day. But I tried to be strong and never let my feelings show

I look back on all of that now and realize that I should have believed those people telling me i am beautiful, because those insecurity’s of mine stayed with me up into adulthood and it has turned into something that has become way larger than just weight problem.

I should have given myself more credit, because i am fucking awesome and I am beautiful. On the outside and the inside. Inside and out, 250 pounds or 100 pounds lighter. I am fucking beautiful, (i mean damn, I’m a snack. 🤤😆🤭) some men hated on me since they can’t have me. I gave my heart to one man and he will have it until fate says otherwise.

On the inside, I am beautiful. I am trust worthy, I am a good friend (if you are a good friend to me), I am respectful towards others, I am kind, I am caring, I am patient, I am loving, I am a hard worker and a fast learner, I am a good (decent) mother to my beautiful boys. On the outside, i am beautiful. I have pretty green eyes, a nice smile that is contagious. I have a cute butt and an hour glass figure, that I used to hide.

God (and my parents lol) are the ones who created me. They made me into this beautiful human being and God put me on this earth for a reason. No matter what His plans are for me, I know they do NOT include me forever letting my fears get in the way of my dreams.

I believe that I am meant for so much more.

My heart says I need something bigger and better if I want to have a shot at achieving true happiness. God has bigger plans for me and my little family and although I don’t know what those plans are quite yet, I am so anxious and excited to find out.

Until then, I will work on (and achieve) finding the courage within myself to be able to say goodbye to all of the negativity and toxicity that has dragged me down for so many years. I will let go of every toxic person in my life(family or not .) All of the people who pretend to care, but never truly did. I will say goodbye to all of my fears, all of my worries, all of my stress and someday in the future, I will say goodbye to this town that I have spent my whole life in. The town that I grew up hating so much, always trying to find a way out of it, but never once failing to recognize the beauty in the mountains.

I can already predict how hard it’s going to be when my time comes to say goodbye to my hometown of Emporium. Everyone I love and everything that I have ever known is here. But when one door closes, another door opens, and I am so excited to see what my future has in store for me and for my little family. I will be able to give my kids the opportunities I never had, along with their father. And everything I will work for, everything I will accomplish, will all be for them (some for me lol) but mainly for them, because they fucking deserve it. They deserve to grow up in a place where they have numerous opportunities and options to choose from. They deserve to have stability and a home in a place where we are all happy to be in. I’m going to make damn sure that happens. No matter what has happened in the past, no matter what will happen in the future. With all of the hardships and bullshit that life will throw my way, it doesn’t matter. I know I deserve more. My kids deserve more. My man deserves more, and we will have it. It won’t matter how long it takes us to get there, or the struggles that will happen between then and now. As long as i keep on learning how to love myself completely, continue love and raise my beautiful into good people. As long as I continue to love the man who fathered my children and who has been by my side through hell and high water. No matter how bad a situation got between us, we always found room for forgiveness. I have stood by his side and he has stood by mine, through better and worse. The love I have for this man is raw and it is real. I only have eyes for him, and I am so proud to be able to have him as the father of my children and my partner in life. I am so excited to build this kickass life with him and our little family, where we can all grow together, learn together, and learn from each other.

Regardless the hardships that has brought me here, and all the storms that are bound to come my way, I have peace in knowing that it won’t all be for nothing. I am 24 years old, I am young and I still have my whole life ahead of me. I have the chance to make things right, (fuck it all up once more)and make it right again

I am DESTINED for this life that I want so badly. I was born to be more and to have more. Now, I just need to make it happen.

Life has a way of grabbing you by the balls, making it hard to stay positive and focused on the future. My whole existence I have let fear get in the way of what I really truly want out of life, once that fear finally gets a kick in the ass like it deserves, my life will start and I am so excited to see what the future has in store for me and my little family. Great things are bound to come for me, I just don’t know when.

But maybe it’s not my business to know. I’ll just leave it up to the man upstairs and finally learn to enjoy the ride, every single day in the crazy, discombobulated, hot mess that is my life. ❤️

[xoyellowrose-blog]

I Am Greatnes

I doubt anyone will read this, I don’t even know why I’m posting it. What first started out to be a Facebook status, turned into a diary entry. I spent over 6 hours typing this shit and it probably doesn’t even make any sense.

I kept going back to the beginning, re reading and rewriting everything (like I was actually ever going to post it on Facebook in the first place.) and I just kept going, and going and I couldn’t stop.

So, here it is. Like I said I have no idea why I’m deciding to post it on here, but maybe someone will read it and be inspired

June 23, 2019

I can not wait for the day where I can just be free of stress and worry. Where I won’t care about anything in my life that does not personally affect me or my family.. I have always cared way too much about too many unimportant things, including peoples opinions about me. I have given all of my strength to it and I let the negativity of it all control my life and so the things that actually do matter and need my full attention, never actually get it.

I have been letting life pass me by me day by day in limbo. I hated my life so much, complained and cried all the time. I would always soak in my thoughts when I was alone , always thinking negative thought that were just full of doubt and fear. I always believed the negative and shut out the positive. I wanted change so badly, but never took the initiative to actually get up DO SOMETHING. I am afraid to SPEAK UP in fear of being judged. I could only do that for so long before things start to crumble. Now I am dealing with some of the consequences that comes with me not taking action when needed.

Everything I have worked for these past few years is disappearing. Slowly but surely. It took that happening finally see the truth in this hot mess that is my life. Someday, (sooner rather than later), things will start falling into place. The day will come when I am finally through with being afraid of the world, through with being afraid to be my true and actual self, through with the constant worry and stress over things I can not control, and stop ignoring what is actually important in life. Once I am through with letting everything get in the way of my happiness, I will be able to start taking the steps towards achieving my goals. Once I am no longer a coward to this world, I won’t look back. I will finally become myself, in true form and any person who crosses my path with intentions that are other than good, will fiercely regret ever trying.

Being alive is not easy, everyone has hardships and not one person on this earth is perfect. Life wasn’t meant to be easy, but if you work hard and follow your dreams, it will be worth it in the end. I gives me peace of mind knowing that my life won’t always be this bad. I am meant for so much more than this bullshit life I’ve been letting myself live..

Once I am finally able to come out of my shell, and take off this mask that I have been hiding behind for so long, once I FINALLY get my shit together and start taking steps to achieve my goals, and when it’s all said and done, I would have (hopefully) done a complete 180 and finally experience the feeling of true happiness.

I want to be great. I want to be more than great. I want to do great things. “Why”, you may ask? Because I was destined for it. I was always destined for greatness, But i was (and still am) a coward. I got into the habit of letting my fears get in the way of my dreams. I let fear get in the way of me doing and saying the things that I wanted to so badly. I keep it all built up inside of me no matter how bad it hurt. I have been like that since I can remember. Always afraid to speak my mind because I was too nice or was afraid I would offend someone or create conflict. To this day, I am that coward. But FINALLY at least, I am starting to be able to see things a little more clearly. Little by little, piece by piece. And even though the hardships are still not over, and that there are so many obstacles I need to overcome, I have FINALLY started to open my eyes and see myself for who I really am, despite all the negativity.

I am beginning to finally be able to realize my self worth, what I am capable of and what I am meant for in this life. I am finally able to see that I am meant to be something more, and even if it comes to me by bits and pieces, I know that when I finally achieve my goals and make it to the finish line, I will be able to look back not regret one thing that I had to go through to get there. Not one motha fuckin’ thing.

I have hated myself my whole entire life. Everything that made me, me, I loathed. I hated my name, I hated my body, I hated my voice. I hated every single thing about myself. I couldn’t even look in the mirror without feeling pure disappointment. It never mattered how many people would tell me how beautiful I was, how wonderful of a person I am, (and there were quite a few) I would usually get at least one compliment a day when I was in high school. Even my parents friends and co workers would tell them or tell me how beautiful they thought I was, how talented I was..But I never believed a single one of them. Not even once did I consider they were telling the truth. I didn’t think it was genuine, I thought they were only saying it to be nice because I was 15 years old and weighed 250 pounds, and when I would mention my weight out loud, people would just compliment me to make myself feel better about being fat(?) I don’t know where I came up with those crazy thoughts, but that’s what I believed and I believed that every person who gave me a compliment was full of shit and bologna. It never even made me feel good about myself when I would get complements. To me, they were just words with no meaning. They would just go in one ear, and out the other (much like everything else, I’m not a very good listener lol)

It wouldn’t have mattered if a million different people told me that they think I am beautiful at the same time, still, when I looked in the mirror the only thing I would see was my weight. I couldn’t help but be disgusted with myself and how I looked from head to toe..always convincing myself that I will never be good enough for anything good in this world, or that I’m not worthy of happiness or love. I really hated myself that much, and having to carry the burden of it all got so bad where I couldn’t help but feel that pain every single day. But I tried to be strong and never let my feelings show

I look back on all of that now and realize that I should have believed those people telling me i am beautiful, because those insecurity’s of mine stayed with me up into adulthood and it has turned into something that has become way larger than just weight problem.

I should have given myself more credit, because i am fucking awesome and I am beautiful. On the outside and the inside. Inside and out, 250 pounds or 100 pounds lighter. I am fucking beautiful, (i mean damn, I’m a snack. 🤤😆🤭) some men hated on me since they can’t have me. I gave my heart to one man and he will have it until fate says otherwise.

On the inside, I am beautiful. I am trust worthy, I am a good friend (if you are a good friend to me), I am respectful towards others, I am kind, I am caring, I am patient, I am loving, I am a hard worker and a fast learner, I am a good (decent) mother to my beautiful boys. On the outside, i am beautiful. I have pretty green eyes, a nice smile that is contagious. I have a cute butt and an hour glass figure, that I used to hide.

God (and my parents lol) are the ones who created me. They made me into this beautiful human being and God put me on this earth for a reason. No matter what His plans are for me, I know they do NOT include me forever letting my fears get in the way of my dreams.

I believe that I am meant for so much more.

My heart says I need something bigger and better if I want to have a shot at achieving true happiness. God has bigger plans for me and my little family and although I don’t know what those plans are quite yet, I am so anxious and excited to find out.

Until then, I will work on (and achieve) finding the courage within myself to be able to say goodbye to all of the negativity and toxicity that has dragged me down for so many years. I will let go of every toxic person in my life(family or not .) All of the people who pretend to care, but never truly did. I will say goodbye to all of my fears, all of my worries, all of my stress and someday in the future, I will say goodbye to this town that I have spent my whole life in. The town that I grew up hating so much, always trying to find a way out of it, but never once failing to recognize the beauty in the mountains.

I can already predict how hard it’s going to be when my time comes to say goodbye to my hometown of Emporium. Everyone I love and everything that I have ever known is here. But when one door closes, another door opens, and I am so excited to see what my future has in store for me and for my little family. I will be able to give my kids the opportunities I never had, along with their father. And everything I will work for, everything I will accomplish, will all be for them (some for me lol) but mainly for them, because they fucking deserve it. They deserve to grow up in a place where they have numerous opportunities and options to choose from. They deserve to have stability and a home in a place where we are all happy to be in. I’m going to make damn sure that happens. No matter what has happened in the past, no matter what will happen in the future. With all of the hardships and bullshit that life will throw my way, it doesn’t matter. I know I deserve more. My kids deserve more. My man deserves more, and we will have it. It won’t matter how long it takes us to get there, or the struggles that will happen between then and now. As long as i keep on learning how to love myself completely, continue love and raise my beautiful into good people. As long as I continue to love the man who fathered my children and who has been by my side through hell and high water. No matter how bad a situation got between us, we always found room for forgiveness. I have stood by his side and he has stood by mine, through better and worse. The love I have for this man is raw and it is real. I only have eyes for him, and I am so proud to be able to have him as the father of my children and my partner in life. I am so excited to build this kickass life with him and our little family, where we can all grow together, learn together, and learn from each other.

Regardless the hardships that has brought me here, and all the storms that are bound to come my way, I have peace in knowing that it won’t all be for nothing. I am 24 years old, I am young and I still have my whole life ahead of me. I have the chance to make things right, (fuck it all up once more)and make it right again

I am DESTINED for this life that I want so badly. I was born to be more and to have more. Now, I just need to make it happen.

Life has a way of grabbing you by the balls, making it hard to stay positive and focused on the future. My whole existence I have let fear get in the way of what I really truly want out of life, once that fear finally gets a kick in the ass like it deserves, my life will start and I am so excited to see what the future has in store for me and my little family. Great things are bound to come for me, I just don’t know when.

But maybe it’s not my business to know. I’ll just leave it up to the man upstairs and finally learn to enjoy the ride, every single day in the crazy, discombobulated, hot mess that is my life. ❤️

[xoyellowrose-blog]