xtalmay

[xtalmay]

I was trying to explain trauma and anxiety to my daughter. She's going through a thing....but anyway I have been trying to explain to her that I understand her anxiety very well. When I was in 8th-ish grade, I used to get anxiety like crazy. I would wake up in the middle of the night with these horrendous stomach aches and nausea. I didn't really know what to do about it but when the pain was unbearable I would wake up my dad. He would immediately threaten to take me to the emergency room. I would then get more anxious and wind up throwing up. He would then tell me to put my shoes on cuz we're going to the emergency room. I did as I was told and he would get mom and we would all go....even though we had three other kids at home. On the way there he would passive aggressively tell me that "you better be sick this time" or " I'm still paying off the last hospital bill" and things like that which stressed me even more. Then I would tell them to pull over because I was going to throw up, which I did. Stomach still hurt though. We would continue on to the hospital and when we got there, it was always not busy, thankfully. I would get a little pink colored dish to puke in, and eventually a room. They always wanted me to pee in a cup and that is not something I could do as a child. I could not pee on command. Especially at 2 in the morning after just peeing. So I would be put in a room, alone.....parents would wait outside the room. I would continuously drink Dixie cups of Luke warm water that tasted metallic, and I would just sit there getting water logged. Periodically my dad would come in and tell me to drink water so we could get out of there. I still couldn't pee especially under pressure. Eventually a nurse came in and "took" my pee.....like got a weird catheter like contraption with a syringe thing and sucked it out......so embarrassing. Then of course, I had to pee. But then we were allowed to leave. By this time I'm feeling better and I'm sleepy. I just wanna go home and go to bed. The whole ride home my parents would harass me about not even being sick and I seem just fine now. I went home and went to bed and was still woke up at five am for school.

So I realize this isn't super traumatic, but I do remember being traumatized. I feel like I understand my kids. When my daughter has a panic attack, I talk her gently through it. I don't yell or belittle her, I make her feel loved and try to be positive. I know that if my parents had done that, I would never have had to go to ER, but they were just not like me.

Thank you.

[xtalmay]

School supplies

Small thing to complain about but here ya go anyway.... I do not mind buying school supplies. What I do mind, is getting half of them sent home because the class doesn't need them. I usually buy supplies early, and so I can't return them. Idea for schools. Have a backpack and all the needed school supplies for that grade, or a pack for each class or whatever but a basic needs pack that the kids can buy on their first day. Or they can set up arrangements through school for low income families and whatnot. That way the kids get exactly what they need. Then all the parents just have to buy the tissue and clorox wipes and zip lock bags and stuff. Seems like something a company or school could make some money on. School supplies do not cost much if you get them on sale, so why not? Parents do not have to buy the pack. They can buy their own stuff, but this way teachers do not send home wasted supplies. Kids get exactly what they need. I'm sure modifications could be made.... But it's just a thought. I spent about $20 on school supplies for my kids this year. But I would gladly pay $20 each kid to make sure they had the supplies they needed specifically tailored to their class/school. I don't know..... Just a random thought.

[xtalmay]

Movin on out

So I've been struggling for quite some time with the issue of kicking a dear friend out of my house. It's been difficult. I posted on here before about the situation. Today I finally told her. Sort of. I lied. It's worse than telling the truth. I told her that we might be moving out soon and that I'm giving her a heads up. I don't know if she will get the hint. I hope so. I had a letter ready to write to her. I have been trying to tell her recently. But it's been difficult. Every time I start talking to her, my own things don't matter. She rolls over my stories and tells her own. Over and over. The same shit, every single day. I gave up. I wrote her the text. I hate writing serious things in text form. Like breaking up with a boyfriend. You don't do that thru text. I was able to tell my ex husband that I wanted a divorce..... But I can't tell my best friend to move out. Although, I don't think we're best friends anymore. Lately, she doesn't tell me all the details of her life. She talks about annoyances at work. But that's it. Nothing about her personal life. So, I guess she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Sad day but hopefully she gets the hint and it will be over soon. And the twitch in my eye will go away. Lol.

[xtalmay]

Fucking around

This morning I woke up with the same headache I had when I fell asleep. Waylon was awake, so he got jade ready and took her to school. I fell back to sleep really fast. I woke up a couple times to him telling me that I needed to get Riley ready, but I didn't believe him because he was awake. He always does it when I'm still sleeping. So I fell back to sleep. I woke up to Waylon telling me it was 9:20 and I look over and he's in bed next to me. I didn't even know he had laid down.... Lol. Whoops. So I tell Riley to put his shoes on, I got up and got ready real quick and I took him to school. Late....but oh well. On the way to school, Riley is playing with silly putty. I told him he can't have that at school, but he can play with it till we get there. He said alright. I told him I'm sorry he's late to school. He said it's his fault..... Because he was fucking around. Lol. I rolled over that, even though he knows he shouldn't say that.... But I told him that it wasn't his fault. This time it was mom and dad that messed up. He said I was grounded for 2 weeks. No work, no tablet, no TV. Then he added no driving my car, (what am I, an unruly teenager?!) and no more driving him and sister to school, they will walk. Lol. I told him that's a bit crazy.. But okay, he is the boss, ya know.. We get to his school and he hands me silly putty. I told him, I don't want that. Then remembered, jk! Yes I do! Lol. As we're walking into the office, he said he would have been on time if he hadn't fucked around. I told him that is inappropriate language. You're not allowed to say that. He said ok. As we walk out of the office, we run into uncle Ryan and denelle. I take this opportunity to have Riley tell uncle Ryan why he's late. And Riley, the little shit that he is, told him because his mom was fucking around with his dad. Dammit Riley! That's not what you're supposed to say. I then had to explain, we slept in. But it was still hilarious. We continue walking to class, and I then I reminded him to be be good and stay on green today. No reds. And language like that will get him on red really fast. He said ok. And he walked to class! Yep.... That's my boy. So smart! I know it's full of language, but that was a proud mom moment. He used the words in the right context and everything. Boy, i love that kid. 😂

[xtalmay]

My dilemma

I have a minor complication in my life. On one hand, I am comfortable. Bills are paid. Kids are happy. Careers are doing well. On the other hand, I hate New Mexico and want to move to Washington. I miss the weather. I miss my parents. I miss my family. So.... The dilemma is this, I want to move,but it is a lot of work. I have to go to the courthouse and get paperwork to change the child custody agreement. File it. Go to court. Fight with the kids dad. And settle for whatever the outcome. It is a lot of stress for no reason. Well, there's a reason. Just not one that seems like it's worth messing up the strange semi-freindly relationship their dad and I have. So what to do. What to do. Considering his negligence over the last few years, I'm thinking I have a case to help me. Also, here, in this state, I have a very good support system in place to help with kids. If we move to WA, that support system disappears. My parents are not equipped to watch the kids in any capacity. And I'm not sure if my aunt would be willing, she's retired, but Rileys a busy kid. Then also...there isn't anyone in the third place were interested in going, unless my SIL moves too. Which she will be, but I don't know when or where she'll wind up. If I get to transfer with my job, I'll be making enough money to support us so Waylon won't need a job right away. So that temporarily solves one problem. Then, depending on what the court agrees, I may have to pay for the kids to get to NM for certain times, and I'll have to live with them being gone for long periods of time. That's hard to swallow. The education system is better up there. But that's also a concern, will Jade be able to adjust to a new school that will be harder? What about Riley? Will he still get the support he gets here? So I'm a bit worried about that. But I also have Waylon. He's so smart, I think he can help them adjust. The weather will throw them off the most. They are used to sunny skies. Dry air. Wide open spaces. WA will be wet. Wet air. Wet skies. Wet grass. No stickers in the grass, but still wet. Trees everywhere. Kinda enclosed by the trees. But green for days! Hmmm.......i guess I'm thinking more that it is inevitable for us to move. The question is: When? I keep saying that I should go to the courthouse and get the ball rolling. Just in case. That way we're covered in case we decide or an opportunity comes up,to just go. I'm just afraid of the tension it will cause. And then..... Do I just make a time to get with their dad and talk to him about it? That would be better but then I'll have to deal with him thinking that I'm taking them away from him. Which I'm not. But that's what he will say. Then his whole family will think that too. Then I'll have a bunch of angry and cranky people to deal with. Not my favorite kind of people. Lol. Thoughts? For now I'll just continue on with the way things are going. For now, this feels like the best option. I need to stop procrastinating. 🙄

[xtalmay]

I like to be positive and I am always happy for anyone that gets something that they have been wanting, like a promotion or whatever. I also don't want to jinx myself. But, I am flying high. In a great mood. Several things come into play.... My Waylon is such a positive influence. He is my main supporter. If I want something, he is the one telling me to go for it. I feel as if I can attribute a lot of my successes to him. He stands by me. Helps me make decisions. I have a purpose. I think that is so important. My purpose right now, is to do everything I do for my family. If I stop trying, I lose everything I have worked so hard for, so instead, I keep pushing. I push until I'm where I need to be. Don't stop swimming. Lol. I have achievable goals. I'm not saying I want to be a millionaire. Cuz, I kinda don't. I just want to be happy, and give my family what they need to be happy as well. I feel like my specific goals are easily attainable. Anyway, I just felt like being extra positive this morning! So, if I'm down, I hope someone will remind me that I have goals and I can't stop swimming. I have people that count on me.

[xtalmay]

Share your religious views

I was raised primarily Christian...... Sort of. My dad always said he believed in God, but that he shouldn't have to go to church to prove it. I agreed with him. I was really good about not saying bad words, or saying a prayer (to myself) at bedtime every night. I have always defended people's right to belive what they wanted. I have always believed that you shouldn't bash others for their beliefs. Just a level of respect for everyone, no matter what their beliefs are. As a child I remember being told that babies came from God. That if God wanted you to have a baby, magically you were pregnant. But also, I never understood why there were fertility issues then..... Why didn't God want those people to have babies? Was there something else wrong with them? Or what about young mothers? Single mothers? Why would God want these people to have babies, seems like a strange plan to me. I honestly believed until about 5 years ago. I don't know what it was..... But my ex brother-in-law was living with my ex and I, and he had been watching this show called Penn and tellers bullshit, and one was about religion. I really watched it. It was fascinating. I also could see that there were people that drink and swore and whatever and nothing happened to them. Like nothing. Then I reflected on my life. I was 'christian' ish. I drank. Swore. Had a baby out of wedlock. And my life sucked. But I believed...... So why wasn't God providing for me? I'm not really sure when or how or what.... But I was at work one day and I started getting mad. Like really mad. How could I be so stupid for so long?! I came home from work and my ex-BIL was there and I just went off. I couldn't belive I had let myself be that stupid for so long. And I can't believe people are stupid enough to believe. And he just kept nodding his head and agreeing with me. Since then, I have been strictly atheist. And I'm actually happier. I don't pray for things to get better; I work to make them better. I don't just step aside and let God fix my issues; I fix them. I control my life. I am in charge. I still respect others thoughts and beliefs. I was that person once upon a time. So I am understanding. I still think you're stupid for believing. But I also don't think it's my place to discriminate. The constitution says freedom of religious prosecution. So who am I to prosecute? Do what you want, and harm none. That is all. Laters!

[xtalmay]

I will always stand with planned parenthood! #techstandswithpp

#TechStandsWithPP: A message from Tumblr’s CEO and Planned Parenthood’s president

When Planned Parenthood was founded a century ago, it was illegal to even hand out information about birth control. Thanks to generations of brave women and men who formed secret societies, challenged unjust laws, and started Planned Parenthood health centers in their own towns, we’ve come a long way since. Millions of people, regardless of income or insurance coverage, now have access to birth control, cancer screenings, and STI testing and treatment. Each year, Planned Parenthood proudly provides health information to nearly 70 million people online and 1 million people in classrooms and communities across the country. Today, America is at a 30-year low in unintended pregnancy and a historic low in teen pregnancy.

But all of that progress is a reminder of how much women and men in America now stand to lose. Extreme politicians at every level of government are doing everything they can to block millions of people from coming to Planned Parenthood, deny access to affordable health care, and roll back women’s rights over their own bodies. We are facing a national health disaster, especially in our most vulnerable communities.

That’s why we’re calling on the tech industry to join Tumblr in standing with Planned Parenthood and standing up for access to health care.

A 100-year-old health care provider and the platform powering 335 million blogs may seem like an unlikely pair. But over the last few years, Tumblr and Planned Parenthood have teamed up to provide information and organize communities in support of reproductive rights. We’re proud of all we’ve accomplished together and with overwhelming support from the Tumblr community.

Technology has become instrumental in the fight for fairness and equality across a range of issues. It has the power to influence public debate, mobilize communities, and — most importantly — offer creative solutions to help people receive better care, no matter where they live or who they are. Finally, the tech industry owes its success to the brilliant people it employs and the communities it serves — and we cannot take their health for granted.

It won’t be easy, but doing nothing isn’t an option when lives are at stake. We need to work together to break down barriers to care and information for the millions of people desperate to take ownership of their sexual and reproductive health, and tackle disparities in health care access and outcomes.

Now is the time to be vocal, visible, and active in your support of Planned Parenthood — starting with the #TechStandsWithPP hashtag to share stories about how Planned Parenthood has touched your life, or the life of anyone you know. Call on your co-workers and peers to do the same.

In health care, education, and nearly every industry, we’re doing things that would have been unthinkable a century ago. Think of all we can achieve together in the decades to come if we combine the creativity, innovation, and energy of the tech community with Planned Parenthood’s commitment to helping people everywhere — no matter what.

— David Karp + Cecile Richards

[xtalmay]

Questions.

If anyone has questions about anything I write about, you can ask and I will answer honestly. I use Tumblr more like a live journal. Things I don't mind sharing. Things that are interesting or mean something to me. I'll take suggestions.... Currently I try to write about something on mind. If I don't have anything I have a couple lists from pinterest I found that are journal prompts. That helps me get started. If anyone just needs to talk to a random stranger, I'm here for that too. You all have a good night, I'm going to sleep now.

[xtalmay]

I once was married with children

Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, there lived a simple girl with a lonely heart. Ha ha, jk. But seriously... I was once a pretty boring person. I had dreams and hopes, like everyone else. I wanted a man and a house and kids. I also wanted a career and a degree. But I wanted to be a stay at home mom also...... I wanted a lot. Lol. So anyway, when I was 18, I worked for Walmart. A good one too. It was busy, customer service oriented, and clean. It was the first supercenter in our area. Pretty exciting. I loved it. I was able to afford to move out of my parents house and into a rental with a friend from work. After a couple months, I think about three, I met a guy from work. At this point, I had not had a serious boyfriend... Not really. But anyway, this guy worked at Walmart as a unloader. I worked in layaway. So we got to see each other pretty often. I was super shy. Like super shy. I also hated and still do hate, PDA. Anyway, this guy's name is Jared. We started seeing eachother in August of 2003. I moved in with him in October of 2003. He also asked me to marry him in November of 2003. I was in love. He loved me. I didn't really know what it was about him that I loved,but I did. In March of 2004, we moved to NM from WA. Furthest I had ever been from my dad or any of my family before. It was rough. I was homesick a lot. But my parents flew me up to visit often. It was pretty cool. He never went with me. When I was 22, so 2006, I missed my family. I wanted to move back home. We didn't have anything going for us in NM. I was starting to hate the desert. We were broke. I couldn't find a job I loved. I missed the rainforest. He didn't understand. So I talked to my dad, and like a thief in the night I ran away from Jared back to my dad's house. Probably could have done that better...... But I didn't know how to leave. It was a rough time. But I missed him so much. All I wanted to do was go back. To him. Maybe I was infatuated. I don't know. But I went back. After only two weeks. When I turned 23,i wanted to try for a baby. I thought (stupidly) that he would change. Maybe care for someone other than himself for once. Maybe he would be able to put his child before himself. Boy, was I wrong. The summer of 2008, I gave birth to our daughter, Jade. 4 days later we got married. I really wasn't happy except with jade. She was my world. I was growing more and more irritated with the selfishness of him. He drove me nuts. I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him anymore. Little things. Like overdrawing our account every paycheck. He had to have games for his Xbox the second they came out. He couldn't wait till payday. I tried to get our finances in order. I couldn't. He always thought he knew better. We played a game I called the 'payday loan shuffle' would borrow from one to pay another. It was terrible. I hated it. I was constantly stressed out. Cried a lot because I felt helpless. When jade was 2 months old, I went to WA to visit and introduce jade to my family. While there, I had to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. What was supposed to be 2 weeks, turned into 5 weeks. While in the hospital, he would call me and constantly talk about how he missed me. And what was he going to do without me. And when was I coming home.... Not once did he really ask how I felt. Or if I was doing alright. Never cared about jade or myself. Just himself. It was all about him. I loved being up there, but in a way I missed Jared. Just enough. So when I got home, I asked him if we could move back. I missed my dad and my family. I wanted my kid to go to a good school. And I wanted to get out of the desert. He promised in 5 years we could go back. So I held onto that hope. And a couple years later my son was born. I didn't get to visit WA much anymore because plane tickets are expensive and I would have to travel with two kids now. I didn't go up for a couple years. I still missed my family. A lot. I tried being a more attentive partner. I was restless so I would ask to go on walks in the neighborhood. He would refuse. I asked to go out in the desert behind out house and lay in the back of the truck and stargaze. He would say yeah in a little while...... We never went. I was getting more and more depressed. When my kids were 4 and 2,i remember making Pancakes, and one of the drippings looked like a heart. And I remember thinking to myself that jade would like it..... But I just stared at it. No happiness was left. I was sad, depressed and wanted to cry. I decided that things needed to change. I'm not and never have been suicidal. Just sad. And depressed. So in January of 2013, I decided to get my own bank account and start a savings account. I had to do something to have a little control over our finances. Even if I was the only one paying bills, at least I knew they would be paid. Jared hated it. He hated our money being separate. He couldn't use my money anymore. His account was still overdrawn every payday. Mine never was. It was crazy how I had felt like it was my fault we never had money..... I guess it wasn't me after all. I was starting to feel a little better. I didn't have any loans in my name. I didn't have an overdrawn account. I was actually putting small amounts into savings. I was also able to convince him to have our tax return deposited into my account, since I wasn't overdrawn. Not sure how, but it worked. I was able to help him pay off loans. We got our bills paid up. It was a nice feeling. But then he was constantly asking me for money. Constantly. It was annoying. But I didn't give him any. I would pay bills. I was tapped out but the lights didn't get turned off. We had running water. The house was current. It was worth it. So I got a gym membership to try and get my life going again. A couple of friends from work had joined the same gym as me. Waylon and Kelly. They were cool guys and I enjoyed hanging out with them. So I mentioned to waylon one day at work that I was going to that gym and he said he and Kelly were too, and that I should join them. I agreed. It would be safer to go at night with two guys than by myself. Over the course of 3 months, I started getting back into shape, after ten years of being over weight. Ten years. Jeez. I finally was down 2 pants sizes. And almost 30lbs. It was awesome. I also became close friends with Waylon. We played online together a couple times. He fixed my computer for me. Just a really cool friend. After the gym we would go grab food, the three of us. And then hang out in the parking lot and chat for a while. It was fun. I felt like I had a life. Small as it was. But I looked forward to the time we spent together. I have always got along better with guys than girls. No drama. Lol. I was starting to be more independent and I stopped reporting to Jared. In April 2013, I decided to tell Jared I wanted a divorce. I had talked to my dad. I had talked to a couple really close friends. I was so incredibly unhappy. Once I made the decision to divorce him, I felt so much better. I felt like the pieces were falling into place. In the end of April, I told him. Officially. I didn't have anywhere to go. I couldn't leave my children. They weren't in school yet, so I didn't have to deal with that. But I also didn't make enough money to move out. So I moved into my son, Rileys room. He was a baby still so I had the room mostly to myself. One day in May, I was sitting on the couch and Jared says he wants to take the kids to the park. He had never done that with me before, I always took them myself. He never went for a walk with me. He never went stargazing with me. Never anything, unless it was beneficial to him in some way. Ever. He asked if I wanted to join him, and I looked right at him with a straight face, and told him no. I didn't want to go. He got super sulky. He then loaded up the kids and left. The second he drove away, I ran to my room, packed my gym bag with gym clothes and a couple outfits, and my travel bag of toiletries. I then jumped in the car and took off. I called my dad. I text a friend. I called Waylon. I didn't have anywhere to go. I just had to get out. I ended up at waylon's house. It was the last person I called and he answered. I felt liberated. I knew from that moment on, my life would be different. I knew there were better men in the world. I didn't know if Waylon and I would even work out. But I knew we were friends and we both needed a place to live. So we went and got an apartment together. We got a three bedroom apartment. We figured if he and I didn't work out, I could move in with my daughter in her room, and it wouldn't be a big deal. He agreed. We are both pretty level headed people. So that summer, I filed for divorce. I packed me and my kids lives up and moved into the apartment with Waylon. My kids were in Colorado visiting family and Jared had gone up there too. He was trying to figure things out. He kept thinking there was hope. Boy was he wrong. He came back with the kids. I went to the house and got them. And since then they have not lived with with their dad. After 3 months he got his new girlfriend pregnant. And then married her. They fought. A lot. Broke up. A lot. Got back together. A lot. It was sad. Unstable. Weird. But whatever. His life. He started off taking the kids every week. Then he slowly started backing off. Little by little. Over time it went from every week to every other week to now he takes them for about four hours every other week. That's it. For someone who loves his kids. And misses them. And wants to see them..... He sure never tries to see them... After his third child was born, he took three months off of work. During the summer. He never asked for the kids. He never even took them for extra time. He never even asked. Then another time he took a week off and never asked for them. Then he asked me if he could pick them up and take them for a whole week to the lake. I told him yes. And two days before he was supposed to take them, he canceled. I don't know the circumstances. I don't know anything. But he didn't take them and they were devastated. He stopped asking for time. He didn't take them for a month at a time. It was getting crazy. But the kids love Waylon. He is their dad. He's been here. He's raised them. He takes them to the park. He buys them things. He loves them as if they were his. He's a great man. What's frustrating is that jade is now 8.5 and she is a smart kid. She came home from visiting him this week in tears. She misses him and wants to stay the night at his house. I told him no because it's a school night. As mom, it's my duty to keep them in school. I have to. It's the law. So I sat her down and tried to ask her questions. Me: jade I need you to understand something for me. Jade: what? Me: it isn't me keeping you from your dad. You know that right? Jade:... Me: did he take you last week? Jade: no Me: did he take you the week before? Jade: no. Me: see? It isn't me keeping you from him. He doesn't come and get you. He doesn't ask to visit. He doesn't do anything. So, this isn't me. I'm not telling him no. He has had all sorts of time to spend with you. He has weekends. He has holidays. He has time. He doesn't take it. Do you understand? Jade: Yeah. Then she continued to cry dramatically. I don't think she understood. It's frustrating. I know she will understand one day. But I worry that she will be too much like me and believe his hogwash about hope. He will always make her feel inadequate. Like she doesn't try hard enough. And it will always be her fault. And that worries me tremendously. So I have to constantly try and comfort her. He pretty much ignores Riley, so that won't be so hard. But Riley only likes him sometimes. Mental abuse is still abuse. I'm confident in my decision to leave him and the proof is in the way our lives have gone since. I'm doing great, Waylon and I are fabulous. We have great jobs. We have a stable home environment. We are not crazy broke, but we are not crazy rich either. Jared has struggled. He has been in and out of relationships. He's filed bankruptcy. He owes the irs for back taxes. He's broke. He has a new girlfriend that seems pretty cool. But his life is still weird. I'm so glad I do not have to live like that anymore. I'm glad I ran away from home that day in May.

[xtalmay]

Today is my birthday.

I don't have much to write about today, but you never know.... This could go on and on like my past posts. Downside of a February birthday is the whole valentine's thing. Valentine's is such a commercialized holiday, I kinda hate it. I love it for the kids...... But as an adult, even though I have a man, I hate it. I have had my birthday lose priority over this stupid holiday for years. My man and I have been together almost 4 years and in that time he has missed my birthday twice in favor of valentine's...... Like wtf? Why? I don't get it. This year I received my tax refund on my birthday so I did what any other responsible adult would do...... I paid my bills. Seriously, I did. Lol. I love the satisfaction of paying credits cards off or even loans. Or anything. I live for it. After that we went to town and bought a few things we've been needing, like cable covers for our ethernet cables, a router, and my boyfriends late Christmas present, golf clubs. We also set some aside for this summer vacation we have planned. Overall a great day, and it's not even over yet.

[xtalmay]

My today was beyond the everyday.

I just feel the need to describe my day. It was an interesting one. I woke up at the normal time, 0615 to get my daughter ready for school. Got her to the bus and then came home. Since my boyfriend was awake, I hung out on the couch till my son had to go to school. We got him ready and dropped him off at his bus stop, then we went to Denny's for breakfast. So our waitress seats us and I asked if my friend T was in. She says, 'no.... Well, she decided not to come in, let's put it that way.' so I text T right away because it's not like her to call in. Our convo: Me: didn't come to work.... Wth? Lol T: I'm off today Me: I asked if you were here and the waitress said you didn't show up T: well I guess I was supposed to work today Me: I can come and get you, it will be faster than walking T: that would be great, thank you! So, I left my boyfriend at the table and ran to her house to get her, right when we got back, my food arrived, perfect timing. We ate, we then went home. Literally did nothing till 1100 when I had to get ready for work. My sister texts that she wants to get Monster Jam tickets for my son for his birthday, (which is 2 days away) and I agree he would love that! So we text on and off while she asks what day and time work best and all that. Well I left for work at 1140 and she's still figuring it all out. I get to work and she says it won't let her pay with her card because it's a 'will call' so I would have to provide the cc used to pay and an ID to match. Impossible, since she lives 1400 miles away. So she asks if I have PayPal and she will xfer me money and I can buy the tix. I say yes she xfers me money but I'm trying to get work done, so I just gave her my PayPal acct so she can do it for me. Then Ticketmaster doesn't accept PayPal as payment. Lol. So I just give her my card info, she pays, and I'll xfer the PayPal money to my checking later. OK done. Then about 1400, my ex-husband calls. He is training at work this week and wonders if he can get the kids this weekend. I tell him we'll it's Rileys birthday this weekend and we have plans thru Saturday evening. He can get them around 18-1900 Saturday night. He says 'when is his birthday?' WHAT?! He is your first born son. He has had almost 6 birthdays.....you can't fucking remember his birthday?! I am livid at this point. Livid. Seeing red. I just want to punch something and cry at the same time. How dare you disrespect my child. How fucking dare you forget the day he came into this world. I momentarily ignore that comment. I tell him, his birthday is Friday, the 17th,but his party is Saturday. I can make him available earlier, maybe around 15-1600. He tells me that it's just a tease to only get them for 1 day when he wants the whole weekend. I tell him sorry, but it's his birthday, I'm not canceling. We've been planning this for over a month already. He then asks if he can have just my daughter then. Uh, no, it's my son's birthday and he wants his sister there. AND, it's his birthday. Why would you not take him too?! He says nevermind and then hangs up on me. Side note: he has seen his children a total of 8 hours in the last 30 days. Makes claims that he is such a great father and I'm a bitch because I don't let him see the kids whenever he wants. But he doesn't ask for them. I stopped trying to force him to be a father. My boyfriend is more of a father to them than he has ever been. Sad... So. Now I'm pissed. Went from a high to a low in about 2 seconds. Well at about 1500, a friend came in and I vented for a second, then felt better. Now I'm good, temporarily. The rest of my day went pretty fast. I just wanted to come home. I hadn't eaten all day, and I'm shaking because I'm so hungry. Typical of me, to do something stupid like that. Lol. I get home at about 2200,and my downstairs neighbors are just getting home too. The oldest boy, (about 10 years old) stops me and says he has something for me. So I wait outside, it's kinda cold too, and I'm still starving. He returns in a couple seconds with money and hands it to me. Kinda made me nervous..... Why is this kid giving me money at ten o'clock at night?! He gave a weird explanation, but I was able to piece it together. Sometime, fairly recently, I had given him $25 for a coupon book but he forgot to order it. So it was a refund. I totally forgot about it, so surprise money for me!! Lol Anyway. I'm home now. I'm sleepy. And I'm planning a trip to abq with my friend S to get piercings tomorrow, so I should probably head to bed. Goodnight everyone.

[xtalmay]

A day in my life

I have so many types of days Weekday kids are in school and I work day Weekday kids are in school I work swing Weekday kids are in school I do not work Weekend kids out of school I work day Weekend kids out of school I work swing Weekend kids out of school I do not work Then throw the boyfriend into the mix....it gets complicated. A typical work week for me goes thus... Sun-day, Bf-day, kids not in school Mon-day, Bf-day, kids in school Tues-off, Bf-day, kids in school Weds-off, bf-off, kids in school Thurs -me swing, Bf off, kids in school Fri-swing, Bf-day, kids in school Sat-swing, Bf-day, kids not in school See how it can get confusing......? So my day-to-day is so different that I do not have a typical day in the life..... For example, Sunday I work day shift and get out about 1500.....then I have to pick up the kids and go home and make dinner. But on Monday, I get out of work at 1500 again but the kids went to school, so I have to pick one up at the after school program and the other from the bus at 1610. Then go home and make dinner.... My boyfriend works till 1600—1630 on his days so afternoons are a bit different throughout the week. Mornings are so sporadic, I suffer from lack of sleep..... Like a typical mother of two. Just to make things more interesting..... This isn't even a regular schedule. This has been my schedule for the most part but not always. So for a day in the life of a Monday: I wake at 0530, take a shower and get ready for work. I leave at 0610,stop at Starbucks and continue to work. I work until 1500, at which time I go straight to my daughter's school and pick her up from the after school program. We head home and hang out till 1550 then head over to pick up my son from his bus stop. We then go home and attempt dinner. By this time my boyfriend comes home from work and we eat..... Then just hang out. Homework gets done and then bed time is at 2015. Pretty boring. Lol Typical Tuesday is a bit different.... I wake at 0615 and wake my daughter for school. She gets ready, I go back to sleep. My Bf takes her to the bus, so I sleep till 0745 when I get my son ready for school. He's usually already awake. We head to the bus stop by 0820, and I get back home by 0835....then sleep till ten ish... Lol. Then the after school is the pretty much the same..... But at 1700, we have adult coloring night at the local library. My daughter and I go to that. Boys stay home and fend for themselves. Lol. Typical Wednesday... I wake girl child up at 0615 and she gets ready for school..... I attempt to stay awake and get her to the bus by 0705. Then I come home and go back to sleep. Bf gets the boy child ready and off to school so I can sleep. Then again, I sleep in till ten again. After school is the same a d we just hang out. We have no life... Lol Thursday. Morning is the same as Wednesday...... But afternoon is the same but the boyfriend is responsible for picking up the kids. I go to work by 1500 so I'm not home to put them to bed. Friday, much like Tuesday morning...... But both kids go to the after school program and the Bf picks them up when he gets out of work. I work till 2300 so again, I don't get to see the kids. Saturday is nice. We get to sleep in. I sleep till the kids beg me for breakfast. Which is usually about nine.... Then we chill out till 1330. Kids and I get ready, and I drop them off at their grandparents house for the night. Since I work till midnight, they stay the night. Less stress. Since... ... Sunday..... .... I open..... at 0745. I wake up about 0630-0650 depending on if I take a shower.... Lol. Then I leave the house by 0710 and hit up the local coffee dealer and get my morning fix...lol. I get out of work at 1500 and pick up the kids from their grandparents. Come home..... And it all begins again. So, that's a typical week when my schedule doesn't change constantly. Tune in next week for whatever topic I decide on..... I'll take suggestions, or else you get a random topic. *xtalmay*

[xtalmay]

Loving him

There are these moments when you can't think of anything except how much you love the person laying next you. I have these moments all the time. Today he made a comment that brought that feeling back. He told me that we have 4 months till our 4 year anniversary. 4 years. It feels like just yesterday that I ran away from one home to a new home. 4 years since I realized what I wanted and needed were not where I was. 4 years since I left one life and risked everything for a new life for myself and my children. I finally met someone that made me feel like I was cared for. Someone that thinks I am amazing. Someone that appreciates me. Someone that doesn't constantly critique everything I do. I feel as if he has helped me become a more confident woman. A more effective parent. A better person altogether. He's been there since jade started school. He's been there for sick kids at night. He's been there to pick them up from school if needed. He's been there to feed them if I had to work late. He's been there for me. When I am having trouble with anything I can tell him and he helps me work through it. He has built me up; made me realize that I am worth more than I thought. I remember at the beginning, I had been having a rough day and he asked me if I had called my dad. He appreciates the relationship I have with my dad. I have never heard him speak ill of anyone that I care for. Even if he didn't like them, he doesn't make me feel bad about caring for them. When my friend needed a place to live, he was positive and told me she could stay with us. Even though it's been way longer than we wanted, he still tolerates her. I have a list of things that I love about him, on my phone in the memos. When I'm leaving a particularly crappy day, I read through them and it puts me back into an amazingly happy mood. Here is my list: -The way he holds my hand -How warm he is -How much he loves the kids -How much the kids love him -He enjoys snuggling -I can still surprise him -He can still surprise me -He understands and appreciates the relationship I have my dad -Wants to live in WA also -Easy going -Takes the trash to the street without being told -Even though it means losing out on sleep, he still wants to get up early to do stuff with us. -Cuddles in his sleep with me.  Keeps me warm.  Doesn't complain about my cold feet. -Is honest with me about everything. Even when I ask if something makes me look fat, He tells me that I should probably change. At night when he falls asleep next to me, I just cuddle in and cherish the time I get. I appreciate his warmth, And his scent, And he just makes me happy. And that's what it's all about.

[xtalmay]

[xtalmay]

When you live with your best friend....

November of 2013, my BFF of 9 years, moves in with me because she quit her job and had nowhere to live. Since I consider her to be like a sister, for the most part, of course she can stay with me. This is the third time she has lived with me. For the first 11 months she didn't have a job. No job. But she helped a lot with my kids and kept the house cleaned up and also made dinner almost every night for both me and my boyfriend..... The perfect housewife. Then in October of 2014, she got a job. A shitty job, but a job, none the less. Since that moment she has had a job, non-stop. Different jobs, but at least she was employed and able to help out with rent and whatnot. She has not made a single dinner or meal for anyone in this house since she got that job 3 years ago. Not even one. She doesn't do anything around the house anymore, either. About once every 2 months she will clean the bathroom. But that's it. So she does pay us rent. But she does nothing else at all. (I am the one that picked up the slack) After the first year, I was ready for her to move out. But I can't kick her out because she doesn't have anywhere to go. She makes enough for a cheap apartment or even to find a roommate and share rent. This she CAN afford, but chooses not to. CHOOSES not to. I've even had friends tell me to tell her she needs to move. I have a daughter (8) and a son (5) and they need their own rooms. We live in a 3 bed, 1 bath apartment, approx 900 square feet. 3 adults and 2 children sharing a very small space. I had been planning to move my daughter into the third bedroom the week that I found out she had quit her job. So my daughter has had to keep sharing a room with her brother. Anyone with kids will probably understand what I'm going thru with that one. During the last 3 years, all I've heard is how much she hates her job. Or the people. Or the other employees. Or the managers that hate her. Never good things. Ever. It's sad. But this is her life. I have had a couple friends of mine and family ask why I haven't kicked her out, and honestly, I don't know how to ask her. In a way, I have become a bit passive aggressive toward her. In August 2016, we got a cat, Stella, for my daughter. She's been dying for one, and I figured, why not?! But also my reasons are that my friend hates cats...... So maybe she will move out? Nope. She didn't speak to me for 3 weeks. Like a grown up. Because, ya know, grown ups act like this. I bought her a nail polish and that broke the silence, but every single day she bitches about the cat. Poor Stella. So after we had Stella for about a month, I wound up taking in my ex husband's cat because he needed a home. This also didn't get her to move out, but at least she continued to talk to me. After a month or so we had to give him back though because Stella had a big problem with him, and anyone with cats probably knows what I'm talking about. Also, about a year or so ago, she realized that she's atheist. And not just, not believing....... She now bashes people that do. And she's rude about it. When not 2 years ago, she used to complain how people need to not bash others religions. I still believe this. And now she's one of them. And she wonders why her life 'sucks' On top of all this, she has all these plans of grandeur. She wanted to move to New York. Now she obsessed with Korea. Like, obnoxiously, obsessed. Her plan: get her TEASL (sp?), move to Korea, find a rich hot Korean man and marry him. I should also probably mention that she has this obsession with her age and only goes for young guys...... Like 18-20 year old boys.... She constantly asks people how old she looks, and everyone is either stupid or just being nice, but she doesn't look 28....she claims that everyone always says around 28......shes actually 37. And not a young 37, an old one. *no offense to people that are 37, I don't think that's old. This is her opinion. * She's pretty much, in not so many words, said she isn't moving out. She will live with me until she dies of old age. Ugh! So I told the boyfriend that we need to look for a new place and when we move, let her know that can't come with us. She's on her own. Time to be a grown up. Here's a funny story about what happened today. We are in the dining area and I'm making monkey bread while she sits at the table on her phone. She then says 'when I'm old I do not want to be in a nursing home..... I said but you already are old...then she says, no when I can't take care of myself anymore...... (considering she lives with me......) ha ha..... I wanted to scream out, 'But you can't!!!' instead I didn't say anything....... Which I still found hilarious. But anyway, now she's come to just stay in her room all day. She won't come out unless its time for food. I think she hates Stella because she is acting just like a cat. Sleep all day. Be aggressive and annoying all night. Ha ha. Really though. I know she's my 'bff' but I also don't want to deal with her being awkward around me, either. And I have a hard time hurting people's feelings. I don't even follow her on Facebook. My own best friend, I can't follow because she's annoying. This she knows, too, but doesn't seem to care. I suppose I'm done for now. Any ideas on getting her to move out?

[xtalmay]

I may not agree with the presidency, but the people voted. He won the vote. I do not think that rioting is the answer. It is NEVER the answer. If the people believe that he will destroy America, then let HIM do it. If we destroy it, it makes us the problem. Peaceful protesting doesn't seem to be doing anything either. Honestly, I'm not really sure what these people are hoping to accomplish. Yes, their voices are heard, but to what end? Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean they will lose their job. This isn't a 'I need to speak to your manager' moment. He isn't a manager of a small business, he is the president. I'm pretty confident that he will surprise us and figure things out, or he will be impeached. But I have hope, and rebellions are built on hope.