xtymarie

[xtymarie]

•for Brain•

I don’t ask for blooms

I don’t ask to feel one’s love

I don’t beg for care

No more tears at night

No more begging for one’s time

I don’t beg to stay

You found me at last

Called me worthy of your love

And showed up with care

I am whole and loved

Joy blooms gently in my soul

All because of you

[xtymarie]

A Long Way

On a quick hike today, I listened to a podcast by Jay Shetty that featured Meggan Roxane which inspired me to re-download this app and put my thoughts back on paper. Immediately upon opening the app and clicking on my profile, I read through some old posts and was brought back to a conversation I had yesterday.

Yesterday, I spoke with an acquaintance of whom we share an ex; the same ex my old blogs and many journal entries centered around. Though my relationship with, let’s call them “X” was a decade longer, the experiences were the same and the traumas just as deep and damaging.

Narcissistic abuse is probably one of the most painfully scarring types of abuse there is. Although never clinically diagnosed, the textbook description is that of X. The acquaintance shared some breakthroughs that they experienced in therapy and trauma coaching, many of which I experienced in the 6 years of therapy following the divorce.

The stories were similar. The verbal abuse was replicated, verbatim. The love bombing which led to codependency that allowed X to sink their claws into us and treat us so horribly, speak poorly of our experiences, families, feelings, and anything shared in confidence and then weaponize all of our deepest and darkest secrets to feel better about themselves - the whole ‘coming to light’ conversation made me sick to my stomach for everyone who has had to experience this, but most of all for the child I share with X who has no option to leave the narcissist, and who may start to develop similar traits.

The work following this divorce has been hell. It is never ending and to this day, I am learning about my subconscious nervous system and how even having to call X makes me shake and heart pound out of my chest. I’m learning how the trauma deeply affects how I show up in my relationships today, and how much harder I have to work at relationships and on myself for the most basic things. I have a partner who is patient and kind, understands and values me, and always saves/allows space for me - is ever patient in my self healing and self growth journey. And loves me through it all. Unlike my last entry, I never have to worry about if they want me or want to be here with me.

I know the journey will never end, and that’s okay - I have no destination in mind - only the excitement for the discoveries and experiences along the way. I am allowing myself to love myself again, ergo, allowing others to love me. I am finding my light again, and that is a beautiful feeling.

Narcissistic abuse hurts, just like any other form of abuse. And often when you’re in it, it’s hard to get out. You become addicted to the highs that always come after the lows, and it’s like a drug, and you stay and try to ride the highs, even when you know it’s going to come with the lows - which are majority of the time extreme. I wouldn’t have gotten out if X didn’t find someone new, someone whose personality drew them in due to what they’re lacking, then soon became “too much” and had to be minimized to fit what pleased X, cause anything else meant you were a cheater, or a 403, or just up to no good (it was the same MO for all their relationships). And still after that, I was made to feel bad and because that’s how I was conditioned to be, I did - I felt bad for the broken family my children now had and for moving on and finding true genuine love and happiness - but yesterday’s conversation made me realize that’s what X wanted me to feel, that’s how X stayed in control, that’s how X got to play the victim so well. If you ever met X and asked about every past failed relationship, none of the failures were ever due to them, every single one was the other person’s, OUR, fault.

I’m sad to have had this experience and I’m sad for everyone else who shares the same, but I am glad to have this knowledge and glad it is far more available now than ever before. 😮‍💨

[xtymarie]

When you tell your spouse how unloved she makes you feel and she responds with "only you can make yourself feel anything". Okay. 👌🏼

[xtymarie]

Thoughts...

We're doomed. Done. Dead.

It feels like we are the only people who can't and don't talk about our issues. For what it's worth, I feel like I try. But I do so when the pot is overflowing and ready to explode. I repeatedly say that I don't want this anymore. That I want out. But is that what I truly want? I don't know. Except I know that I don't want this dead marriage. No. I don't want anything with anyone else. I want love, I want romance, I want to be loved and appreciated and wanted. I want the person I'm with to want this. What I have is the polar opposite. I have someone who makes it very clear that she doesn't want to be here. That what I feel, is not important. That fixing this estranged marriage is not a priority and is not even on the list. That talking is not important, rather, pointing the finger and blaming me for every single problem we have is what our "talks" lead to. I've said a hundred times I want out, but it's out of this misery that I want. Out of a relationship in which I don't matter. It's beyond clear that once she's "back on her feet" she will leave or feel even less of a need to be emotionally involved because she provides. What matters to her, or what it seems like, is that she doesn't feel useless. Not that she makes me feel used or as if my only job is to "do and pay", or anything that I feel. Nothing that I feel is of any importance. It's so far from important that it doesn't even matter.

So we just stick it out for the kids long enough until she's able to do it on her own. Great. But I am told if I were just honest we wouldn't be here, instead of her being honest and not keeping us here. She is riding out her time, being a hypocrite, instead of doing the right thing and giving me the honesty that she expected. So maybe this is her way of getting back at me, because wow, that shows a lot of character. Way to be the better person. But that is exactly what happens when you don't care about the person you're with.

Regardless, when that time comes I will be ok. I would much rather, a million times over, be alone than be with someone who makes me feel alone knowing she has an escape plan but waiting until she is stable enough to execute it. It's a sad sad place to be in. And I just want out.

[xtymarie]

“Some make excuses and some make it happen.”

Something very, VERY important to pay close attention to. Actions will tell you everything!

[xtymarie]

[xtymarie]

Nightmare.

I had this dream.

Nightmare rather.

I was trapped. I was stuck.

I needed you to leave. To go.

I feel - suffocated.

Reality bites and still.

I'm trapped. I'm stuck

I feel - suffocated.

I stay.

For all the wrong reasons.

I stay.

These reasons give me a moment.

A very quick moment.

Happiness? No.

But they make me happy.

Just for a moment.

But everything inside of me.

Every part of me wants to

GO.

[xtymarie]

Pathetic.

I drink. I smoke. I cry. And I cry. And I cry. I needed you. I needed you to give me the love, the patience, the understanding, the kindness that you only give to others. I needed your warmth. I needed your time. Your attention. I needed so much of you when you only had so little to give me. Energy that you put into your cell phone that you turn off when I walk in and go straight to bed because suddenly you are so tired. I would rather keep it all in than express how I truly feel only to be laughed at and ridiculed for being so pathetic and so pitiful. I don't feel wanted or loved or heard and not even the slightest bit thought of. I don't feel cared for. I don't feel appreciated. I feel lonely and starved of what I only want from you. I try to find happiness and solace and comfort within myself, but it's impossible when you are the biggest part of that and you're not 'here'. You are cold to me. Cold to my feelings, cold to my thoughts. You are the biggest part of me though I feel I am nothing to you. I am consumed by my sadness and you label me "too sensitive". I ask for kindness and you declare it "was never on your love résumé". I disappear for hours and you don't notice. I cry in the bed that I lay next to you in and you don't notice, and when you do, you turn a blind eye and are fast asleep. You treat me as if I am my mistakes and nothing more. You are cold to me when all I long is your warmth.

[xtymarie]

I think the best feeling you can ever feel is to be adored by someone, to be the attraction and centre of thought for someone. It is to be the person who is loved by someone so much. To be all they can think about, daydream, and imagine about. To take up someone’s energy in the most beautiful way when they look for you in a crowd full of people. To be the “go-to” person when they want to escape the miseries of life. To know that they would go an extra mile for you. To know that when life hits them hard, they would say: “Fuck it, I have them, that’s all I need. The best feeling is to be wanted by someone so bad, that you become an inevitable necessity for them.

fuxkd-up-dreamers  (via wnq-writers)

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"And it sucks knowing you were never her first choice, though she was always yours"

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The truth in one simple quote 🙌🏼

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When a thing has served its purpose, it will go away. If you try to hold on to something that has already fulfilled its purpose in your life, you are going to hurt yourself. If holding on is disturbing your peace of mind, it makes sense to let go. Surrender all attachments to people and things that you have been struggling to hold on to.

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