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Happy Black History Month ✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿

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“I’m a non-Christian living the South, I can’t even go to a god damn potluck without having to thank some space fairy for the broccoli casserole, and honey, it makes me a little uncomfortable.”

I’m WHEEZING.

This is me at every family gathering.

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The Will To Live

February 08, 2021

Today I have come to the realization that I have lost the will to live. No this doesn't mean I intend to kill myself, nor do I feel suicidal. I have simply lost all reason to look forward to the next day. I no longer feel joy in my days, I no longer put a smile on my face, I no longer know how it feels to be happy. Each day I grow angrier and sadder than the day before. I've grown so accustomed to losing things that I no longer cherish anything. The fear of loss has driven me away from any meaningful connection. I don't know for exactly how long I've felt this way, maybe I've been this way since the breakup, maybe I developed it along the way. The only thing I do know is that I have now come to understand that this is the frame my mind is inhabiting. I drag myself through the daily innuendos just to survive. What are my goals? What should I care about? Who should I care about? Why? All I have are questions with no answers. I don't know how long I will have to live like this or how long I'll live with this mindset in general. I no longer need to numb the pain, I no longer feel it. The only pain I've felt recently is this realization of losing the will to live. The pain I felt when that notion hit shook me to my very core, it made me question my very existence. Why am I here? What am I doing? Is there any reason for it all? I know that anyone reading this would consider this a depressive note, though I only see it as the blatant truth of my state of mind. I no longer reach my hand out to others, I simply sit here as life passes by watching from the windows of my eyes. Poisoning myself day in and day out with negative impulses and thoughts. It isn't that I try to do these things, I've simply lost hope in the meaning of positive nature. I can still put up an extremely well crafted front so you would never know, though I can't say for sure why I even attempt to hold up such a facade. It's honestly draining and I wish I could simply just stop the games but it's the only way I've come to know this life I live, if you can even call it that. I know the precious value of life and how painful it would be for some to see me go but that weight no longer affects my thinking. I truly feel no connection to this world. Each day I search for something to add meaning to my existence and each day I am let down. As a child I was ambitious and driven, the world was my oyster and I couldn't be stopped. Where did that child go? When did I lose my reason? Have I always been like this and just never known? I don't know what this world has in store for me but I can only spend my time hoping that it brings something meaningful worth living for. Why do we work so hard to make money? Why do you do it? I can't answer that question. I have no ambition for wanting things, sure there may be things in life I want but at the end of the day I truly couldn't care less. Why is that? Why do I want things but in reality could care less if I had them? Are they just visually important or entertaining to me and no more? I wish I had these answers, sadly I do not. What would someone else do in my position I wonder. Everything feels so empty and fake, as though I'm convinced no matter what we do it has no meaning in the end. I truly wish this feeling upon no one but who knows how many others feel the exact way I do. Where do you go and what do you do when life has slipped the rug from underneath you? When your footing in this world is ever so tenuous where do you stand? How do you stand? Of these things I cannot be sure.

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Plotting on my own life...

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https://soundcloud.com/vextooofficial/yans-prod-by-vex

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(Vex) Vampyr been a classic 🙄🔥

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Shade Knights feat. Huey V. (Prod. by Foobar)

Well worth the listen. Take the time to give yourself some new perspective.

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https://soundcloud.com/vextooofficial/shade-knights-feat-huey-v-prod-by-foobar

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https://soundcloud.com/vextooofficial/starlight-prod-by-vex

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https://soundcloud.com/vextooofficial/the-reason-prod-by-phenom-vex

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(Vex) - Check out my new track Vampyr on SoundCloud. Always looking for feedback. Help a young artist improve and thrive.

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Check out my new single Vampyr it’s for all of the late night minions doing their work in the shadows.

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Alien Terrain Instagram @ karl_kronic

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https://soundcloud.com/vextooofficial/vampyr-prod-by-phenom