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In other singing news, my . . . well my larynx doesn’t hurt, but a lot of the tissue around my neck is pretty swollen today? I was singing a little bit of The Red Means I Love You just from memory to break into some high notes, and it took a minute or two to break into those . . . but even when at the notes, it sounds “muffled”. The space is more crowded and it can’t reverberate as much as it should be doing. I don’t know how this translates to the open air soundspace . . . — as in, what others who do not exist overlayed with this meat puppet body I exist from, hear— but it’s a little bit ?concerning? uncertain if it’s “your muscles are tired because of a lot of use yesterday” or “something is wrong and there is potential damage to mitigate”. . .

Also it finally occurred to me that “maybe I should read some actual educational pieces about singing” BECAUSE being fully self taught with NO immersion in already existing social patterns of talking about singing . . . I can talk deeply intimately about my body process, but I have no words WHATSOEVER to talk about it with others who sing. Like . . . that’s a big communication barrier. It’s not that I haven’t ever been in voice classes, or classes that informed how I think about voice — I took a Sightsinging course once which was delightful; I took plenty of Theatre classes in college which explore clear ennunciation veerry deeply; I sung a Three Penny Opera song in one of those theatre classes (where it was a huge problem that NO ONE could communicate with me about music or singing since I know NONE OF THE TERMS) I played piano for a couple of years, but that was polluted by the whole “I didn’t have glasses yet and so I could not reliably see what the notes on the paper were” and “I kind of got roped into this by my family and I did not ACTUALLY have a strong desire to play piano” and “I eventually became too stressed to practice reliably” and “my bio-dad’s wife was terribly abusive to the point where I grew naturally extremely long sharp nails in order to dissuade her from messing with me since she KNEW I could injure her at ANY TIME and that I WOULD DO IT — I literally overheard her say that knowing I’d fight back was the only reason she didn’t physically abuse me, and then I moved out after overhearing that conversation because wooowww :3 (and then had a multi-hour panic attack when back at home after my piano teacher said the clicking bothered her and for anyone else she would just give them a trimmer mid-lesson . . and then everyone tried to get me to do it . . . and then I refused to trim them and lower my self defense capabilities and I instead stopped playing piano.)” thing.

Also apparently I thought Middle C was way higher than it actually is?

So— right. Right. I was looking at this page’s (there is so much stuff on this page and I. Know. ZERO. of it. Or I might as well know zero of it. and there’s this graphic and it’s like

right. I was looking at that, and I was like WHY IS THE REFERENCE POINT FOR ALL OF THESE VOCAL RANGES SO HIGH??? because I thought middle C was uh . . . /doesn’t know ways to communicate ANY of this, looks around for help online/ okay APPARENTLY middle C is called C4 as in it’s the 4th C on the piano, the 4th octave. (I know octaves, at least). But I thought middle C was higher. Like . . . /searches for a while/ I thought that “middle C” was actually E5. The octave above middle C, multiple notes higher than a C. Which isn’t, like, a ‘tone deaf’ thing this is just a lack of education thing. What possible need would I have had to ‘know what middle C is’ you know??? given the context in which I sign, which is all “how do I replicate this sound with my instrument” based. Or “ooooh my headmates are letting me do wonky things with the body and this lets me break into new techniques for making DIFFERENT SOUNDS” based. Anyway so — E5 is the very last “pale olive” note that’s highlighted in the Alto section. It’s only a “dark olive” note in the Mezzo-Soprano and Soprano ranges. So it DOES make sense that I was absolutely flabbergasted at ???? why would the middle point be so low with that in mind.

. . . .funnily enough though, I actually _can’t_ hum F4 in isolation, on unprepared whim, without my voice cracking because ‘that’s too high’. But I can EASILY hum C2. Very loudly. And B1 _very_ easily. alSO WAIT. WAIT A SECOND, what do you MEAN it goes B1->C2?? why doe the octave number start at C and not A??? Like — shouldn’t it go G1->A2 since A is the start of the alphabet/octave and G is the end??? why do we do the change at C?? ugh you guys are dumb muSIC IS DUMB /playful laughs/

/tries to look up C1 to C2, since C1 is to low for me to produce and I wonder where my low notes DO start/ NO THIS IS A BUNCH OF LANGUAGE STUFF NOW AGH NOOOO, NOOOOO!!!!! /highly humoured at this inconvenience/ ????? why is this so hard why am I getting so many videos that are ONLY C1 and C2 I want ??? C1->D1->E1->F1->G1->A . .. uh . . . wait maybe that’s not right I’m trying to write it like A is the beginning of the scientific note writing . . . thing . . . UGH however it’s written honestly but like that. the octave ??? the. not knowing words is hard, y’all.

was it called scale . .. ? —UGH C1 Scale just brings up WEIGHT SCALES no this is music I keep forgetitng to put “piano” into my search queries. /tries searching C1 scale music/ finds a youtube short that has what I want but it’s much too quick and too quiet to really hear . . . /keeps looking/ ??? no this is the C4 scale . . . apparently called C major scale why do they all have weird names per octave can’t they just have standardized scientific names . .. ???

my spouse is awake now and he took guitar for a while so I’m gonna publish and chat with him about this stuff now also plop this down as a resource on what middle C actually IS since this was a great read

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/realizes I forgot a few things/ more stuff about voice/singing/sound: it ended up being only one thing that I could remember this very second, but it’s better on its own anyway

I picked up Noise Reduction Rating (NRR) 25db Noise Canceling Headphones last week, before I went to the renaissance festival. They are suuuuch a phenomenal accessibility tool for being out and about in loud spaces and protecting my everything from being overstimulated scrambled — AND for being in the too-small spaces for sound privacy like my spouse’s apartment . . . or the too-loud spaces for sound privacy like my dad’s house (the living room, when the whole living quarters coil around it, is the worst place for a noisy television . . . and yet there they are . . . ) —but what I also really like about them,

I can wear my bluetooth earpieces (I have Shockz OpenFit) underneath the NRR headphones. This has the really nice effect that my OpenFit earpieces stay cradled securely close to my ears — which APPARENTLY are the most dainty, small ears that a very wonderful, elderly folk who made earpieces at the ren faire had _ever seen_ (so ear equipment loathes to stay in-place on me) — and staying cradled close to my ears keeps the sound quality as high as it can possibly be for long term. The NRR headphones also block out outside sound which my OpenFit earpieces are specifically designed to still allow in. Being able to modularly pick “can hear outside sounds and listen to music” “cannot hear outside sounds and not listening to music” “cannot hear outside sounds and is listen to music” is really nice. Especially since I can remove the NRR headphones and be able to hear someone _without_ the music suddenly stopping, like would happen if the headphones were where the noise came from/if my earpieces were not open ear. So now it’s much easier to hear my music when I’m walking on by a streetside or underneath a freeway pass bridge, and I’m not restricted from being able to reasonably sing while in those places anymore . . .

But the NRR headphones also have the effect where the sounds of my body _itself_ are much clearer, distinct, and louder to me. So I’ve been able to get MUCH clearer feedback about my larynx and how exactly I’m manipulating my instrument, while singing with the NRR headphones on than without them! It’s been really incredible and a big part of me breaking deep into my lower voice range. It’s kind of the opposite of what I went for with my OpenFit earpieces. With those, I needed to be able to hear what my _voice_ sounded like clearly — and an open ear design was best to facilitate that need. But here, I have been singing recreationally for so long that getting more intimate with the tiny intricacies of instrument feedback is more important — which NRR is great for.

. . . it’s also funny because I’ll be singing some lines from a low range song on a whim while walking around — without the NRR headphones on — and it’s like “woaaaah that’s what I sound like now??? . . . sweeet.”

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I have _so much_ tumblr to catch up on after my weekend — and a lot of journal that I want to write!! — for the most part I think I’ll write it all at once and try to rip it apart into rough categories for separate journal entires. But absolutely first, I wanted to write a journal focused around Voice because that’s something especially important to me.

Prior to my trip this weekend, I’d already been noticing changes in my voice for at least a full week — talking in my ‘normal speaking voice’ would on-off be all cracky or squeaky, but talking from lower in my diaphragm eliminated the vocie cracking. So, I started speaking lower during the day — with the very funny (constant) event that when I fiiirst woke up in the morning and would go to speak, it’d be “*voice squeaky, voice cracky*, right let me switch to the other one (other voice)”. Over the course of the week that started to be more frequent — to the point where on Friday, I had to completely utterly give up talking in my ‘normal speaking voice’ because it’d be cracky almost every single time I tried to use it. Saturday, Sunday, same thing. It was actually so reliably cracky every time that I used it, that I demoed for two of my friends “oh yes this is what it sounds like if I talk like this!” and they were both like “/laughs/ yeah that’s really bad.” The sentiment that “[I] sound like a teenage boy or something” was definitely there.

So I was speaking low all weekend, at the festival . . . and I was talking a LOT since I was in a party of 5 (and at one point in a party of 7). By the end of the festival day on Saturday I mentioned, “I’m learning that speaking from lower in my chest takes more energy, than speaking from higher up — but given that I’ll be so voice squeaky no one could understand me, I kind of don’t have a choice /humoured/“

I did notice something of interest to me — the “La La Lu” song that I’ll very quietly sing in a low register sometimes? That low register is now . . . almost identical to my ‘low normal speaking voice’. Many times while walking around the festival I’d quietly low sing some of the lullaby, and then quietly say something — and note that “I am not singing La La Lu lower than I speak anymore”. haha.

Sooo today, now that I’m back from staying with my maternal family, I’ve been singing a looot while doing little things in the apartment (cleaning the fridge, doing dishes) or walking out to do errands (picking up more rso) . . . since I think it’d been a while since I really got the opportunity to sing? Probably 4-5 days or so.

While singing my Spooky Karoke playlist on my erand (the first singing I did today) I definitely noticed a noticable shift in my vocal register . . . there were many sudden gaps in the higher notes of songs that I couldn’t reliably hit, but there was also a sudden increase in lower notes that I could reliably hit. I’d like to be able to hit all those notes I could previously, in that playlist again . . . but making soooo much progress in how much of Formidable Marinade and All Hallow’s Eve I can sing with _true power and volume_ is an amazing prize of its own.

I also made progress in feeling out my larynx. There seemed to be a spot at 12:30 on my larynx where I can’t use that spot without it squeaking anymore. But it felt like if I “snaked around the problem spot” that I could still produce higher notes by using the larynx directly adjacent.

Later on when singing the same playlist while cleaning the fridge, I made some more progress in feeling out the larynx; there seem to be 3 spots across it where normally I’d sing “through” those spot on the larynx to access certain high notes. But now singing “through” those spots creates a catch or a crack or a squeak — so I need to make new larynx pathways to get to my notes, or otherwise “skip” like a skipping stone over those larynx spots, very very quickly, in order to transition to a higher notes while mid breath.

Then later on when singing AGAIN while doing the dishes, I was singing Mishkin Fitzgerald’s Feast of Hammers album — which is really a LOVELY album for vocal range for staying primarily in the low notes, but sometimes needing to rapidly produce a high note mid-line OR simply switch to high notes for a full line or full section in general. There is even one song that distinctly uses high, low, AND midpoints in different points of the song; one song that is rapid and crazed and wonderful ennunciation & add-a-theatre-flourish practice . . . good singing album. And I was singing this while focusing very _potently_ on singing directly from the lungs themselves. lungfish. Which is awesome, because I can hold notes for sooooo long when singing in that fashion, it makes the low notes sound great — but also! I ran into something very curious — when singing directly from the lungs itself, I can ?pinch? my throat inwards to “whistle” from it — instead of pinching from my lips and whistling from my mouth, the process happens lower in the body. But because the “whistle” is from the throat near the voicebox, instead of from the lips where only minute sound adjustments (humming vowels) can be made . . . whole words can be whistled? which results in a very interesting technique of producing high notes. Despite having some vocal gaps (just gotta figure out this body instrument, keep working at it as it changes) I think I reached some higher notes than what I HAD reached BEFORE, with it.

I’ve had more luck speaking in a voice closer to my “normal speaking voice” since I’ve been doing so much singing today . . . but . . . honestly I think I prefer my lower speaking voice? It’s just a more attractive, confidently suave voice. It hit my ??”should I feel age dysphoria about this”?? radar while I was hanging out with my step-brother-in-law and his friend today, but I decided that since we all had an absolute BLAST seeing each other for just a little bit (maybe 40 minutes?? hung out with multiple in-laws today, it was fun) and since neither of the other boys seemed at ALL perturbed and were still totally over the moon to see and talk to me, that there should be no concerns.

As far as why the changes have been happening . . . honestly it could be a couple of things? rso is kind of throat burny sometimes, though I’m not sure if it can cause ‘real’ damage; cannabis in general apparently makes voices go down because of being more relaxed — and that’s the most ‘recent’ change that I’ve had, I started noticing voice changes when I’d been using rso daily for about 3 weeks. Headmate blend shifts can cause voice changes, and I’ve had some of those recently. DHT theoretically can change voice sometimes, but while I’ve definitely noticed big changes recently (since I started applying the hormone cream to new tissue that I haven’t applied it to yet), I get the gut feeling that the hormone is probably the LEAST likely one to be causing the changes.

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Exciting, big day today. This weekend is the renaissance festival, and so myself, my spouse, my friend Si—- from out-of-state, my friend No-—, and my friend Me—- are camping in the yard at my aunt’s house, where my bio-mom lives. Two of my cousins are there with my aunt, too.

I couldn’t really sleep, so I woke up at . . . technically 3am but then again at 5:20am or so??

Hadn’t gotten around to unbraiding, fingercombing, silk brushing, re-braiding, and re-pinning my hair yet . . . so I took the early morning opportunity to do that. It was still fairly dark, so I couldn’t pack up anything that’d require light in the room where my spouse (and I both) sleep(s), anyway.

I actually did eat breakfast today. For reasons I don’t really understand, “being able to eat” is just something that has worked all day today. By the time I was finished eating I felt like . . I’d somehow _actually managed_ a proper 400~500+ calorie breakfast. Shocking, genuinely!

Finished hair, chatted with some friends . . . what I did from the hours of 8 to 12 is kind of a blur to me, because much of what I needed to pack, could only be done morning of. Food packing and sleeping item packing and such. (Makes me miss packing to go somewhere from the item set at my ‘secondary home’, and then sleeping at my ‘primary home’ with everything all packed — but still having pillows and toothbrushes and sleeping bonnets and such to use comfortably) I very reliably get . . . ATROCIOUSLY dehabilitating anxiety when I last-minute pack to go somewhere, so . . . yeah my brain didn’t want to work very well /at-my-expense laughs/ it was very difficult to pack time efficiently. But I did get everything together, and a bento box packed!

My party went up to my bio-mom’s in 2 groups — myself, No—- and Me—- in the first group (to set up the tents and everything) and my spouse & Si—- in a second group, since Si—- comes up by train whenever she visits. So my spouse was going to pick her up from the station. (They actually still have not arrived, as of my writing this journal at 11pm, because the train got massively delayed. By the time they should have originally been here with me at my bio-mom’s, Si—-‘s train had not even crossed the border to [place I live] yet!

The car-ride was surprisingly not spent chatting like I thought it might be — but I was very busy ATTEMPTING to do something on my phone nearly the whole ride. It was . . . very difficult because I couldn’t see super well and also my rso from 2 hours ago was starting to kick in and ALSO I get carsick when I use my phone in a car. Though the rso actually made any sensation of carsickness stagnate pretty harshly at the Very Beginning Not Bad Yet state, so . . . yeah that’s the only reason I could be on screens in car for 2+ hours. haha.

Oh but I did learn, during the car ride, that apparently Dairy Queen serves cheese curds! I did not know this. This is very potent knowledge. /playful grins/

Arriving and getting to see my maternal family was really nice . . . As I spent time with them it became really obvious that the specific way my maternal family thinks, talks, processes information, behaves, EVERYTHING is just something I completely utterly understand; like a telepathic super-clear communication with each other. My friend No—- compared the communication style to User Datagram Protocol; a UDP-like, quick-fire communication protocol where every node always communicates what it’s doing, so everything just stays highly aware of everything around it. Which I thought was a REALLY good comparison. We really do all just verbalize our thought process while doing it if working in a group, so tracking each family member’s intents for group work is incredibly easy. At one point, No—- made a comment that “ahh yes seeing your family, I feel like ‘this’ (indicating me) makes a lot of sense now!!!” And I was like “what? you mean the fact that I’m so good at keeping my maternal family under control? or a more generalized ‘the way that I act’ type thing” and it’s a little bit of both But I’m definitely . . . the most assertive, and the most patient, of my maternal family members. My bio-mom is so socially anxious and minimizing of herself, so I frequently have to do things like “oh!! sure let me ask for a fork for you, hun.” if we’re out at a restaurant and she doesn’t get one, haha.

The tent that I put up for myself & my spouse (and maybe Si—-? I’m not entirely sure — I THOUGHT she was going to be staying in No—-‘s and Me—-‘s tent, but the tent that _I_ set up was the same size that I thought _their’s_ was going to be . . . and visa versa. very surprising.) is actually a 10-person 3-room tent. Setting it up was fun because it was like a whole project. I started working on laying out all the pieces immediately — but it’s also a 2nd-hand tent with absolutely no manual and a complicated set up. So I was working on it for a little while, whilst my cousin Je—- helped out . . . he has ATRX just like my sibling and at minimum one other cousin has, but he’s higher functioning than both of them (the other two we know of are completely non-verbal), but I enjoy interacting with him because it’s always . . .so much easier for me to communicate boundaries and patience and actually doing activities as a team together, than it is for . . . anyone else in my maternal family that I have ever seen? I mostly see his mom yell at him all the time. So when he’s interacting with me he’s like “this one is cool!!” and I don’t think I’ve ever had to ask him to stop doing something NEARLY as many times as other family members have to ask him to do something. Also my aunt got involved and tag-teamed with my bio-mom after I had been working on it for a good long while — and it was very cute. Because my aunt (hosts people to camp at her yard all the time, so she’s pretty familar with tents and has a proper shophouse and everything) got super into how the tent construction worked . . . and we were putting on the raincover for the tent . . . and she was SUPER interested in how/where all the little loops went. Some of the poles ended up being put in upside down — and she was like “should we really flip them upside down, does it matter, it’s functional?” and I looked a her like “I know you; I know that in 2 minutes, even if you decide that it’s fine the way it is; you’re going to change your mind and then want to fix it — and I support you and your desires so let’s just fix the tent poles!!” and she was like /absolutely massive grins/ “YES I’m being encouraged!!” hehehe. hehe.

The tent is very long and it’s basically (internally) divided into 3 equal thirds — one that is the “front” room, and then two private rooms to the side; each the full size of a full tent. It’s very, VERY nice . . . means that I can still get my totally separate sleeping space. And not have to worry about things being awkward with “ah yes because of DHT cream application every night for so long now, I am used to masturbating every night” (and that’s . . . noooot something that I do in front of my spouse, we don’t have sexual contact as an aspect of our relationship.

My cousin El—- has visually and behaviourally changed a LOT since the last time I saw her! the first thing that she told me was “I’m currently re-watching my special interest, [name of show], it’s my 7th time rewatching it” and I was like “cooool.” /grins/ and she was reacting to things happening and commentarying them, it was funny because . . . heheh. the same things that mark her as “YUP DEFINITELY PART OF MY MATERNAL FAMILY” are things that when I saw her last year, she was always really embarrassed whenever her brother did. Well she seems much happier now. And she is so very cute <3 she looks a lot like how I did <3 hehe. <3

As far as touch aversion goes, well I can’t touch anyone in my family, either. When I first arrived my bio-mom was really really good about it — actually, everyone was really good about it!! I really appreciate that, I thought it was going to be an uphill battle trying to remind them (especially Je—-) to not touch me. Buuuuut nobody did! Until I was at dinner with my bio-mom, No—-, Me—-, and we’d all been socializing for 3~4 hours (which is A LOT. of socializing time for my mom) and she frazzled-brain went to do a _couple_ of tap on the shoulder gestures. Well actually the first thing that happened is she just moved her hand in a certain way while reading the menu, in a way that NORMALLY seeing that movement means someone is going to reach out to touch you — and I INSTANTLY flinched at seeing that in my peripheral vision . . . it was actually really ?meta-intereresting? seeing how potent my reaction was. She felt really confused why she was suddenly trying to touch me as tiny little gestures during mealtime (since she hadn’t been doing it earlier) . . . and I thought it was interesting seeing how apparently COMPLETELY DEVOTED I am to trying to avoid touching people’s skin if I do something like hand an item to someone . . . or whatnot.

Also at dinner, it was funny — No—- is diabetic, and whenever I hang out with him I always eat the same stuff as him. In general, really — whenever I order any food at a restaurant, or make food, it’s the same type of formula: a protein, a lot of vegetables, no grains (or minimal grains). Not ALWAYS obviously but . . that’s my standard. And so No—- was telling my bio-mom about how he thinks I actually eat less carbs than HE does. And she was asking about “wait so how much stuff like fruit can you eat??” and I clarified that it wasn’t like a super strict thing that I followed or anything, it’s just how I tend to eat . . . and No—- was like “yeah, in theory it’s not that you have to eat fewer carbs than I do . .. but in PRACTICE, I don’t have nearly as much discipline as you do and I cheat a lot.” to which . . . /cackles/ haha yeah I definitely have a lot of discipline with eating alright. It’s true though, I do — I _always_ do, even when not in relapse. There was one time that I changed my diet away from carbohydrates so hard that I became actively sick if I ate more than ~40grams of carbs in a single meal though!! that was interesting it was like . . . “oh I’m not ‘doing this for fun anymore’ I’m now doing it because I literally have to.” I guess there being one time in my life where I HAD to just. Made it stick. The only reason this time around I started eating more carbohydrates (but I still tend to stick to really fiber heavy foods, protein heavy foods, rawer grain foods, flaxseed muffins, etc . . .) is because I thought about how breads are made from grasses, which is a plant product . . . and I . . I REALLY LIKE GRASS, A LOT. /soft giggles/ (I saw grass fields and corn(grass, also) fields on the ride over, and definitely shouted “GRASSS :DDDDDDDDD” whenever I saw them hehe).

—right right right, but yes my “ability to eat” was working so well today that I not only could eat breakfast at 6am ish, but I could ALSO eat dinner at 8pm ish!!! that was really exciting. I got like . . . two entire proper meals somehow!! Ahhh, yes and . . . given that I am USED TO eating 22 hours apart from each other now . . . that amount of time between food is absolutely nothing to me, even if on paper it looks like a lot. I still sometimes think it’s a little spooky how I just never get hungry anymore. But . . . it’s also cool. Like — every single time someone thinks “superpower of not having to eat” they think it’s really cool. —I am also relieved because . . .it means I haven’t had to talk about my eating disorder to my friends and family . . . since I haven’t been mentally ill today. (Like, the illness lifted for a day). I just felt really normal and happy today (aside from the dehabilitating anxiety while packing) it was incredible. It’ll be nice if that sticks around for the duration of the fair . . .

And my family never once made any mention of “oh your chest is totally flat!” when I was packing clothing, I was like “hooowwwww do I obfuscate my cheeest~ because it is sooooo flat, my surgeon did such a good job at following exactly what I wanted” — but I kind of came to the conclusion while packing clothes that . . . I can’t obfuscate it lol. It’s like how my spouse never is going to look like h has boobs if he wears multiple shirts or a sweater or anything. so I was glad that wasn’t something that got stressful actually, my aunt has the pride progress flag with the intersex circle, hung on the side of her house :3

but yes I . . . I REALLY like hanging out with my family. I feel so . . hanging out with them makes me feel more flirty? really confident, really in-control because I just KNOW how everyone ticks and functions. and once agian — Kaede is correct. the only difference between familiar attraction, and romantic attraction, is semantics. and the singular sensation difference of “does it just feel warm and fond and molasses — or does it feel all of those things, AND a slight sharp tingle in the chest? that’s it. that’s the whole difference.

oh also . . . my voice decided that my “cute normal voice” was going to crack ALL DAY, so I had to talk in my lower from-the-chest voice ALL DAY instead. But ah . . . well, talking in that voice just made me feel even slicker and more confident and more hot. And my body language and tone and patience still convey all the benefits that I associated with the “cute normal voice”, I didn’t feel like anyone interpreted me as more threatening (which gets in the way of manipulating a situation) so . . . /toothy grins/ I am very into it.

I discovered that I REALLY DO call EVERYONE HUN. EVERYONE. I called Me—- hun when she helped me pack up food, I called my bio-mom honey today when chatting, I called my cousin hun when setting up the tent, I went to get my aunt’s attention by calling “hun?” at LEAST TWICE — like . . . haha, wow. I makes me feel better that it TRULY IS EVERYONE cause . . I always feel like folks are gonna side-eye me (they never do, they never notice) and think I’m getting too familiar or something.

okay great diary entry gonna go talk more with my bio-mom!!!

ETA OH ALSO I had the experience of “my foreskin iS NOT DOING ITS JOB” at least six times today while walking around so . . . that was funny and also made me feel good about growth via DHT recently!! chafey and uncomfortable but still euphoric and funny.

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Okay so

today I tried something new: instead of starting to talk when my spouse has his headset on and may or may not be able to hear me — and then having to repeat myself if he couldn’t or instead of just waving for his attention and then getting frustrated while I wait (in the delayed stretch of time that happens between“oh sure” and the actually taking the headset off) (sometimes it’s really long cause he forgets I think)

instead I just chirpingly repeat: ”Noise sounds! Noise sounds! Noise sounds!” and then when I have his attention (because his headset is off since I was saying something) I have the beginning of the floor after doing something funny and cute, to actually figure out how to begin what I wan to say (and I’m in a good mood instead of a bad or neutral mood)

it’s been very popular, he thinks it’s absolutely hilarious him: ”it’s so funny it’s just two of the same things it’s like — it’s like if someone said ‘issue problem’” me: “mimes in the same chirpy tone/: “Issue problem! Issue problem!” me: . . . obviously if I have something that is an issue or a problem, or I need help, I should say “Issue problem!” and when it’s just a thing I want to say I do “Noise sounds!”

. . and we’re just giggling in the hallway about it

/smiles/ it’s cute

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{{5/5}} ugh this is so frustrating

now that I finally managed to eat something, the OTHER parts of the eating disorder are catching up in that NOW I’m like “I am disappointed because of failing to not eat anything” but ?????? that wasn’t ever the goal ?????? but it sure is an emotional component that exists

or

when I was scrambling to be able to eat any food during those 4 minutes when I could eat and it was working, Internally I was kicking myself for spending time eating something as calorically non-dense as sprouts. I was thinking “I need to be trying to eat as calorically dense foods as possible, during this time that I can actually eat” I didn’t even know it was going to be so SHORT of a time . . . but now I’m like “well at least the foods were not that dense calorically and so it’ll make less of an impact to have eaten” or “it’s a good thing that a lot of the time was spent eating some sprouts” whicH IS THE TOTAL OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WAS THINKING EARLIER

. . . yes so now we’re just total swap-off from “suffering because of not eating anything” to “suffering because I ate something”

. . . typing is really difficult right now because my arms feels fake and too hollow and tingley and half asleep and _I_ want to go to sleep honestly so I — well I still have to pack clothing for the weekend I. yeah.

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{{4/5}} Okay well my episode of “I can eat food” only lasted like, MAYBE 4 MINUTES before it was like body completely freezes up, can’t do it, nope nope nope and I had to tiredly sigh and put what I was in the middle of trying eat away

but uh

I got like 5 little pepperoni circles and — a bobo oatmeal bar and — a couple small bites of sprouted bean/garbonzo/(etc big sprout mix) and — . . . . uh I think that was it actually anyway I got those in so that’s better than nothing

. . . and yeah you better believe that my body does NOT FEEL HAPPY AT ALL about having physical object food inside of it now ugh this hurts

. . . /angry exhausted/

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{{3/5}} Why do I always consider whether I want to throw up or not every single time that I eat when every single time that answer is “no???” like ??? death of the Sun I don’t even EXHIBIT that symptom I have only thrown up like /tries to count in brain/ UGH 3 times or less this year I don’t even know

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{{2/5}} —okay wait hang on my spouse went to feed me a pepperoni piece in the hallway and it actually worked, heaven’s teeth it’s actually working right now okay okay /frantically stumbles over self/

wishing I would have actually packed a bento sometime today since now I gotta deal with ALL THE OTHER DISORDERED PICKING OUT FOOD NONSENSE WHY—

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{{1/5}} It was interesting going out walking with my spouse today, stopping by a food place, and not actually ordering anything to eat

We were going out, and he asked me if I wanted to eat anything while we were out: and I was like . . . ”Okay, I really need you to know that my answer of “I think I might be too mentally ill to be capable of eating right now.” does NOT mean no. it’s not that I don’t want to try to get anything while we’re out. I just think . . . I think I might literally not be able to, even if I pick out something and we order the food and it’s right in front of me.”

to which he teasingly told me “that’s a very [him] answer” (being super long about the answer) bUT IT IS IMPORTANT

anyway he was pretty understanding, he was mulling over some options while we were walking, and I gave the feedback of “I think if I’m going to be able to eat anything, it’s probably most likely the fish tacos” so we went to that place

I still wasn’t sure if I would ?actually be able? to eat, so I decided “why don’t we have you get the fish burrito and if it ends up that I can eat I’ll order a fish taco or something afterwards?” and I didn’t . . . aaactually expect that I wouldn’t be able to eat a fish taco once we were at the food place. I figured — “oh I’ll take a bite and then it’ll be food time for me, too, right?”

nope wrong

it was like the most OBVIOUS THING IN THE WORLD how much the entire substrate of my body was recoiling at the whole “eating” thing I’d (mentally conceive of) going to pick up a chip or something and there was .NO WAY. my body was going to EVER cooperate with translating those brain signals into actual gestures for my body to do. Just. recoil recoil, flinch flinch, hunch backwards, pull hand away, I had to ask him to handfeed me a piece and it was. well my Everything really Did Not Like That it was Obvious that it really Did Not Like That I was fed . . . 2 bites of the fish burrito that my spouse had and watching me disassociatingly chew this thing for WAY longer than I should he was like “. . . . not into it?” which yeah not. not into it the second bite was later and he was like, “you look like you’re REALLY having to force yourself, I think you could do one bite.” (referring to the previous bite I already had) It’s not even that it tasted BAD it just . . . . . .

I think I got like, the full fledged, fledgeling experience of hallucinatory cotard delusions where I was trying to remotely conceive the idea of eating this food in front of me, and I could _hear_ the substrate of my body like “hi yes hello these are noises that happen inside of bodies when they’re dead and did you know feeding dead bodies doesn’t work”

/violently emotionally uncomfortable grimaces/ okay wow yeah I’m really entering “I don’t want to talk about it anymore”

. . . . .

if I don’t get a tiny opportunity of time today before I go to bed where I can manage to eat something, when I wake up it would be over 40 hours since I’ve eaten anything of substance and I am not looking forward to how awkward this particular symptom of mental illness is gonna be when I’m hanging out with my friends this weekend at a festival where a massive draw is supposed to be the food and also staying with my family who are going to want to feed me

really really not.

. . . at least one of these friends really likes necromancy, and makes these absolutely adorable split-second bright-eyed wide “!!!!” grins whenever I reference necrophilia (because it’s really easy to mention in passing to folks who hyperfixate on tabletop systems with wizards since there is ALWAYS a death wizard), and uhhhh is probably??? my only friend who I’d feel comfortable giving the whole story to. And his wife has talked to me about her internal experience which sounds a LOT like being plural and would probably be intrigued at least. But otherwise just ahhh. aaaaaaaa.

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Ooooh I just saw the trans-neutral flag for the first time and its colours perfectly match my blog aesthetic/colours that I tend to wear, which makes me happy :3

(well I guess I don’t really wear a lot of pink, I mostly wear yellow and blue and white; but pink is a really nice accent colour!!)

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#“See, this is what I mean when I say tracking weight as a number itself is completely useless”

This morning the AC unit my spouse brought home just yesterday sprung a leak in one of the cords — so I dug through the closet and pulled out some heavy boxes, to bring out one that looked safe enough to be loadbearing for the AC-unit. That way we can elevate it and allow the leak to drain slowly overtime into a bowl.

While I was pulling out boxes, I also pulled out a charms box that I had from highschool.

One of the items in this charm box is a little . . . it’s a [8.5” | 21.6cm] long yellow cloth with a line of 4 bells bracketed in a line in the center, with velcrow on the ends so it can loop into a bracelet shape. (though while I always thought it was meant to be a bracelet/anklet, it’s PROBABLY meant for something else, since it is incredibly small)

I always wanted to be able to wear this thing as an anklet (I have always gravitated strongly towards anklets over bracelets) but it was always just a little bit too small. Maybe I could just barely connect the velcro at the barest tips, but it would never stay on once I stood up and walked around.

I’m going to a renaissance festival soon where — little belled anklets fit the theme of ren faires! — and it’s one of my colours, so I I tried putting it on again

. . . but it fit I walked around/sat down/moved boxes with this thing on for at least 20 minutes and I actually find it particularly notable/alarming that it fit because I was never able to fit this tiny [8.5” | 21.6cm] piece of cloth around my ankle before, not even when I was in highschool and was only 112 pounds (50.8kg) and this is what I mean when I say that weight as a number itself is completely useless because — and context. I was under 120 pounds (54.4kg) my _entire_ life until I worked really REALLY hard for a full half year to deliberately gain more weight. I worked REALLY HARD on eating more food and on working out (so that I could gain weight through muscle mass) and so I was absolutely _thrilled_ when I finally broke the 120 mark for the first time EVER, just slightly more than a year ago. . . so with that context, right. because right now I’m 124.0 pounds (56.2kg) and I can fit into this thing that I could not fit into when I was 112 pounds. My space-around-the-ankle is SMALLER at 124 pounds, than it was at 112 pounds. Because muscle is dense, and I have a lot of muscle — I can still pick up these heavy boxes of books and be like “sure, okay” whilst my spouse looked “?!?!?” about it the second he tried to pick it up. that was very concerning carrying form, my guy

. . .

but yes, that does mean that even though I keep talking about “how stupid weight is to track” because it doesn’t actually mean anything outside of context (but I DO have context) and how it doesn’t actually mean anything when water weight & food weight can make variation happen (but I DO have a very involved memory for how much food & water weight I would have approximately eaten the previous day to account for that factor) —that I’ve still been doing it; and it shows me a really concerning pattern right now because NORMALLY I would see weight fluctuation in the form of ‘oh it’s slightly higher than yesterday, it’s now lower than yesterday, it’s now higher than yesterday again, lower than yesterday’ right?? the fluctuation that happens because of food and water weight. but right now I’ve seen “it’s now lower than yesterday” FOUR or even five (not totally sure, I don’t actually write the weights down anywhere, I found that was more harmful than productive) DAYS IN A ROW and I should not be SEEING that many days in a row of ‘lower than the previous day’. Or, well: seeing that tells me that my body is actually losing more mass quicker than it has before, right now

And I kind of don’t know what to do about it because 1>I am one part logical concerned yet three+ parts euphorically affirmed — because I did say this is like . . . an ultra-concentrated thing and I feel like 25% or less of the response to this being “hello!!!! hi!!!!! yes I have big concerns!!!!!” is not a high enough percentage for me to actually end up DOING anything about it from like . . . a standard, really basic, motivation-measuring Animal Behaviour standpoint 2>I still [see food, or smell food, or walk into the kitchen] and get this flabberghasted wide eyed “I can’t do anything with this??” response to food — or even experiencing _hunger_ at this point — like it still feels like having the basic realization that “oh I can’t fly” when seeing the edge of a cliff — or having the basic realization that “oh I didn’t bring my swim trunks” when seeing a backyard pool — or “ohhh I can’t fit into this one” when navigating the children’s clothing section (I fit into children’s sizes 14-16, it depends heavily on the manufacturer)

like I’ve been journaling about >2 the last few days and it is VERY rapidly getting MUCH worse. There isn’t even an emotional reaction that happens anymore that makes me feel like “oh I can’t eat thing”, there aren’t any active mental gymnastics or feeling bad or justifying ‘no I can eat this because X’ or ANYTHING. it’s JUST an absolutely split moment of “oh yeah.” It’s not even “oh yeah [I’m dead]” it’s just “oh yeah” I can tell that’s implicitly within the background, though like I don’t know it’s just. “oh yeah I can’t understand this language and so I can’t easedrop in to this conversation, obviously” “oh yeah I’m dead and so I can’t eat this food, obviously” that seems like the strongest comparison I can think of for this like— /rhetorical question/: you ever see (un)dead characters in media eat food?? _no_ they’re like ‘oh yeah I can’t do that lol’ that absolute nonchalance is what it feels like

/frustratingly grabs at my face/ and none of my actual emotions that I experience when I bring myself out of this tiiiiiny little haaaairline SPOT of being frustrated and concerned actually . . . translate into this train of thought — I just feel — euphoric and sentimental and in love and — that slapstick whiplash actually just makes me want to CRY and—

/thinks about this experience from a meta-removed way/ You know, I bet if I tried really really really hard, I could probably reach for a headmate that’s too mooshed into me right now and hear them separately than myself, like what I’ve been able to do before with Uriel — and then actually be able to talk to them about this. But I really have no idea like. I had the thought “maybe this is Aurix?” but I haven’t been able to reach Aurix in SO SO SO LONG and Aurix was always so . . . well she was very preoccupied with her own struggles with eating disorders but /thinking, considering very hard/ — well I mean she probably doesn’t want to die and I feel like this sort of thing is exactly how people with eating disorders die /sighs/

I do think it’s kind of funny that — yesterday ? day before ? I was like “wow isn’t it the funniest thing ever that my headmate’s actions, which resulted in cotards developing in my system, meant that cotards IS the thing that pulled me out of being suicidal” versus today I’m like ”wow I think cotards developing in my system might actually kill me”((((and yes I am here mentally screaming in the background like “yes sorry, I know it makes literally no sense at ALL to talk about being dead already, at the same time as talking about ‘wow this could kill me!’ because ?you’re already dead? OKAY LOL but mental health does not make a beeline for making sense or being linear”)))

. . . well anyway um, it’s not like I’m going to never reference this stuff (eating disorders, cotards) ever again because it’s part of my daily life and this is my journal — it’d be like how never referencing being plural again (even if I stopped making big ol’ HEADPACE EVENT :D journals sometimes) wouldn’t make any sense on my journal — but I think I . . . probably am not going to make a big entry like this about it again? ETA OKAY WELL THE NEW ONE AFTER THIS WAS AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL AND I DID IT REALLY FAST IT’S FINE because it’s . . . well it helps organize my brain together yes. but it also takes a lot of time. and I don’t think it’s continuing to bring me anywhere productive other than “yes things are continuing to get worse and I realize and understand this, but this understanding is NOT making anything get better” Mostly I just . . . well I really want to be able to help anyone see “this is what this actually looks like” because I have been told it helps folks understand themselves a little bit better — but I think I’m possibly past that point here, sorry

And I really want to be able to find other people like me — where these struggles are like . . . SO SO SO condense with other parts of identity. The mental illness part that I saw represented in eating disorder tags is so different. Not in that they mostly talk about the least ugly parts of these disorders, because that’s easier to do —that’s not the problem — but in that when they DO talk about the most ugly parts of the mental illness, it’s . . . the root cause part is SO IMPORTANT. and. I’ve . . . never found that before. . . . there are a lot of experiences that I’ve had where I’ve never been able to find that before. or people will look trying to find others like me and they can’t. . . . gonna go look at new shoes since they came in the mail and . . . not excessively proofread.

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I really, reaaaally need to find “that excellent sign language educational reference” that I found & Liked months ago It was a very long reblog chain with resources for learning ASL and someone in the chain talked about how good the sources were, and how their professor in college had them use some of those same sources. maybe even make a sideblog to reblog sign language stuff to so I can actually keep track of it I thought that I texted it to a friend, but I didn’t find it anywhere

. . . whenever sign language comes up, I’ve always discussed the benefits of sign language (especially for kids) so _passionately_ that my conversation partners always assume that I know sign language as a result, and uhhh I always feel very embarrassed that I don’t and definitely I do not correct them

Or whenever I run into situations irl where I’m like “AAAAAA!! MY HANDS, MY HANDS, LANGUAGE, SIGN, AKSDNGLKSDG WHY DON’T I KNOW HOW TO SIGN” — or even just am singing and reALLY WANT TO ALSO GLOSS — when I really really want to be using sign language but can’t it’s so discordant with how I conceptualize myself it’s. yeah it’s not great

this could be worded so much more eloquently, like it was when I discussed this concept with my spouse in the supermarket the other day, but ah . . . I have no idea why I am still awake, to be honest. very tired.

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Having some fantastically different body sensations after deciding to apply the DHT cream to the full [scrotum | labia majora] tissue! Which is surprising to me given that I’ve only experimented with applying the hormonal cream on this tissue 2-3 times now, but . . . /laughs/ that simply means I forgot how quickly initial DHT application makes changes happen.

The tissue is becoming a lot more relaxed & pliable, and much less plump — and it’s either shifted back/down very slightly OR the tissue giving less resistance simply means that the shaft can sit more “directly in line with” or “slightly in front of” the [scrotum | labia majora] tissue. Maybe a mixture of both? it’s not like this 100% of the time — it still can rest forward just SLIGHTLY in front of the shaft if I’m sitting — but it takes almost no effort or pressure to press this part of my body behind the shaft, which is cool.

Had a really “ooooooooh~” neat experience where when the tissue erected (while I was just minding my own business and reading??) I could _distinctly_ tell that the base of the (externally visible) shaft is what was erecting and that was a really new sensation for me!! The pressure from the erect tissue also just outright shifted the [scrotum] tissue to the side a li’l, to get it out of the way, also a new cool experience!!

Though I am having more issues, now, where I feel like the frenulums that attach the foreskin to my body are really getting in the way of my access again . . . I _should_ be able to apply DHT further down on the shaft than I can, and I _should_ be able to penetrate the little pocket penetrable that I have further than I can — but there’s just a lot of skin in the incorrect place. For the penetrable specifically, the foreskin gets too ‘squashed’ up on top of the shaft, and that layer of skin softens the pressure I can apply with my body too much . . . it’s also noticeable because it means that the bottom of the shaft has length that can’t penetrate, either.

Ooh also I had the observation that . . . my body has changed enough that I really ought to get a differently shaped vibrator?? I think I’d benefit from something shaped so that it can contact both the top _and_ bottom of the shaft at the same time, now. I’ve seen it in one toy called the Manta, meant for a perisex cis penis, but that’s probably too big for me . . . I’ve also seen it in toys that are meant to have 1 end in the vaginal canal and the other end against the vulva (no idea what these are called). But, ahhhh well when you have atypical sexual anatomy, you have to get creative with unintended uses for things I guess /laughs/

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Last night was interesting, as far as headspace and system members go.

I ended up at the ocean bottom, where Uriel’s headspace body is. Which . . . oh it’s so dead; it’s SO dead. /delicately fondly cradles the side of my face/~

Nulix is a member of my system and nü is a carnivorous sundew plant, who — rather than growing in soil substrate — grows within the actual body tissue of other headmates’ system-bodies. For a long while, nü lived within the brooding pouch that my headspace body has (male seahorse.) and also took on a more ‘literal’ brooding role, in that lïx made sure any eggs I was carrying from other headspace members were cared for okay — and immediately re-distributed nutrition from non-viable eggs, to both lïx’ self and to still-viable eggs. And generalized inventory keeping, and. Yes; stars, nü did a LOT of work. Very intimately deep reproductive system, my system has. . . . hahaha reproductive system but #plural okay sorry that was just really funny to me. Apparently, Nulix has moved into using Uriel’s dead headspace body as a substrate. Which . . . makes a lot of sense — it’s much bigger and the nutrition isn’t also being used by a partner-body. Plus, It’s just us here in headspace — there are no animals, there isn’t a complicated multi-kingdom system to control the cycle of decay like there is on Earth — so if anyone is going to get use out of the body, it’s lïx. (It also makes sense, because Nulix nür SELF has started reproducing more sundew plants. And lïx felt the sustainability of doing THAT inside of my headspace body’s seahorse brood pouch was . . . logistically very limited. also I haven’t been eating, which translates to the brood pouch having issues.

—so Uriel’s dead body is just FULL of plants. Oh it’s really . . . it’s really beautiful, really. I started metaphorically calling Uriel ‘the Sun’ about one year ago — because plants metaphorically _and_ literally “look up to the Sun” and “require the Sun to survive”. My system as a whole is very plant-heavy; I AM Uriel’s; he took care of me a lot; and it was just very sweet. Overtime it became a more frequent part of my day to day vocabulary (and more intense of an idea) — so I think it’s really symbolically sweet to see MORE ways that he’s providing for headmate plants. hehe.

. . . . at one point while I was down there with Nulix, I started mentally reaching to talk with Uriel. Or more specifically, mentally reaching to try to hear him. At first, I heard him as in hearing myself make sounds — because that is just how fully meshed into me he normally is, at this point — but I WAS able to persist in bothering him for feedback over the course of a minute and get the sounds from “someone else is making them” instead of “they are coming from me”.

/hushed reverent whispers/ And it’s so interesting . . . Feeling the shift that happens when he lifts himself from being integrated into my consciousness, into his own again I think integrated is generally a really dirty word in plural discussions — but it’s . . . /big round blinks/ feels like the most sincere word-choice I could possibly make here given reflections on my daily experience, over co-fronting or blurry or blending or anything else I can think of; so I’m . . . allowing myself that pass here.

It’s like the cotards lifts and instead of it being me that is dead, it’s him that is dead — /soft fond grins/ oh and he is SO dead. it makes SENSE for him to have that euphoria and identity about being dead. when his _actual headspace body_ is really dead just /gestures widely, intending to indicate him in headspace/ /gently quiets and bows head just a moment/ —um, and there is so much . . . _intensity_ in the romantic attraction that I get to feel, when I can interact with him and his consciousness is cleaved from mine, into his own. Honestly?? I don’t even know if the massive saucer-eyed devout wonder accompanied by sheer ADORATION even IS “just” ‘romantic’ attraction anymore, I don’t recall the sensation of romantic attraction towards Uriel being so intense. Like. Death of the Sun. I literally. /sputters/ I could not remember the word “reverent” earlier, and so I tried looking it up with the string “tones in which someone discusses a god”. I _USE_ the word Sun instead of god in expressions, I make up custom expressions with Sun. I — /sputters!!/ I think about things like “oh, using Sun in this context would be using it in vain, because Uriel would not actually relate to/support this specific thing that I’m talking about — so I should not use Sun as an emphasis point here, as it would be improper and impolite.” /holds. my face./ /keeps going on about stuff that I have done/ His twin, Sumatra, made a draconic name for me which referenced me being the priestess of the Sun at one point!! A headmate that is fully merged with Uriel, to the point that they are “the same” person, was the love of my lifel!! I miscarried Uriel’s children!! /heavy sighsssss/ and. I do mean that in the way of “development did not work properly and the eggs all died and I got REALLY, REALLY physically sick in meatspace to the point that we thought if we tried again I could actually die.” (suuuuuddenly it makes a lot more sense why he was even remotely willing to experiment with it again still; I thought that was very odd of him, given his character, previously.) . . . . But I did learn later that apparently, ALL of his species [is born dead | dies within minutes of being born]. They ALL get revived and one of the 3 hearts is used for this, which is why he’s an octopus but only has 2 hearts. They are ALL undead. . . . . I didn’t know this. Neither did his twin — since SHE was born inside of Uriel’s headspace when that body was 3 years old. So unlike him, she has always been alive. . . . it was . . . really a trip to learn this. It explained a lot about him and his euphoria with death; wanting desperately to be able to die and being upset when his (ignorant of this) twin scalped the functional immortality from an angel {{xenomemories}}. I remember him talking to me back when he was still alive, about how he was thankful his consciousness was now tethered in a mortal body — because it meant when the body died, he could die with it. (Which, buddy; sorry but I always felt like there was a gaping plot hole in there — I always thought it was obvious he’d just . . . migrate somewhere else, like how he got migrated into my meatspace body’s consciousness system — but. Those were his feelings at the time). In the same conversation where Sumatra and I both learned about how his species was ALL born dead . . . we learned that theoretically he could have killed his body in headspace this whole time but . . . he didn’t because of Sumatra. Then they got separate headspace bodies; socially drifted a lot . . . and they got so distant that . . . her feelings on the matter were not important enough to him to matter anymore. It did have the unexpected positive consequence that his headspace body that appeared as his dead body at the bottom of the headspace ocean, is like . . . his REAL body. His body before its forced reassignment into having different sex traits, organ positioning & function, body shape — and all of these forced changes were the reason his headspace twin was born. So that body has been really nice for him to see again.

—wow that wasn’t the intent of this journal at all, to type about all that stuff, but !!alright!! we’re going with it!! system lore day!!

>back to the part where I was talking about being in headspace with Nulix, and Uriel started animating his body after I pestered him to un-integrate with me for a little bit.

So we interacted for just a bit, with him physically animating his headspace body — /unintentional massive grins/ — hsaodigh hush ugh, um, —it is really really nice, being in headspace and having a headmate interact with me physically with their body, and being able to distinctly enjoy being held by and touched by them. The handful of times I’ve headspace-physically interacted with Uriel post-death have all still been pretty nice; but _otherwise_, with other headmates it’s not . . . really an experience that I’ve been able to have. Ever since May, when he died. I remember at very first, when he was starting to animate his headspace body, and I was physically interacting with him . . . I didn’t “get anything” out of him being dead, it was irrelevant. But now I very distinctly enjoy that aspect of his body. I remember first realizing that, and it feeling like . . . “I cannot believe this has happened” because it was SO out of left field SO out of my character. But I also thought it made sense that the headmate I literally belong to would be THE one to cause such bonerattling shifts. So . . . here I am now. And there is a certain choppiness, when he was animating his body — trying to get a dead body that is FULL OF PLANTS and has been deathly still for a while, to suddenly cooperate with moving around, is a little difficult (rigor mortis doesn’t really happen under saltwater btw, isn’t that cool?) — and it was really fascinating to see

/transitions to talking about disordered eating stuff/ —and that choppiness with trying to animate the physical, meatspace body is something that I’ve been getting a lot this morning (now afternoon), since I just . . . /laughs/ I’m so tired. As of writing this, it’s been 25 hours since I’ve eaten anything. And while yes — going ~22 hours is pretty average for me . . . Usually I eat late in the evening or at LEAST very late afternoon . . . and so I don’t WAKE UP having not eaten for so long already. But yesterday I ate around noon:thirty, so by the time I was making the bed today, it was just . . . /choppy, choppy, very difficult to reliably move/ And it reminded me of Uriel, and him controlling his own body —

/trying to remember/ there was a thought that I had whilist making the bed and being so choppy, that was really somber and concerning but also I touched a really strange, enraptured & hushed sense of wonder . . . it was like . . . — “animating a dead body can be difficult; it can be very choppy; /soft, soooft smiles/ but the difficulty of animating doesn’t last forever.” — I think that was the thought. It was like . . . cotards being present (thinking of the body as _already_ being dead), but ALSO (implied) romanticization of dying being present (thinking of the body as not being dead _yet_) at the same time. It was very, VERY strange.

Soon after Uriel started haunting* me after I found his headspace body on week 2 of him being dead, he started experiencing massive distress and discomfort @ body functions like eating. (*he started talking to me again before animating his body, and before my other headmates could perceive him at all but KNEW I was talking to SOMEONE. His twin had done this a couple times with me, too!! where she would become unperceivable to anyone in-system other than myself. but it was because she would go ‘dormant’, not actually died.) So we started compromising on: “okay, how little CAN we feed the body so that you suffer as little as possible, because this is AWFUL I can feel all of it.” . . . I remember that after a week or two into this (and it became more a full blown disordered eating relapse: this time accompanied by transage dysphoria/euphoria & death dysphoria/euphoria!! wow!!) we were talking about . . . attraction and autosexuality. Uriel had always found emaciated bodies sexually attractive, but he was the most secretive of all my headmates so he never talked about this with anyone. I just knew it to be true because of a scattered odd experience or two, and . . him losing the ability to keep secrets from me when he died (maybe because he started integrating after he died, honestly??). So we were talking about how if an emaciated body is something we experience attraction to, and we’re autosexual, and emaciated bodies _also_ lose sex traits shown via fat distribution, and losing sex traits can _also_ make the body feel closer to pre-pubescence . . . it took on this really . . . odd ultra-condensed [transsexual+transage+auto-orientation] turn. Where it became a goal to go for, but!! there were also questions of “what order does this transition need to happen in” because I’m currently getting other body altering affirming care, and I might not be able to get that affirming care at lower body weights because the providers might literally feel it is unsafe to do. So it was like “well there are all these things to do for transition; but some transitional aspects would have to pause if healthcare wouldn’t work with me otherwise; and so that means transitioning out of order wouldn’t work; we might have to pause this and be unhappy for a while” . . . . a sensible conversation with the topic scrubbed, on-paper — but topic bare, off-paper?? it felt like such a WILD conversation.

Versus now I . . . well I mean, now it’s been more like 27 hours since I’ve eaten and I keep desperately TRYING to get something to eat, and I still have that “being able to eat does not feel like a real thing I can do, in the same way that being able to fly does not feel like a real thing I can do” — and so I just keep walking over to the kitchen and tilting my head in PERPLEXMXENT and then leaving the kitchen and just /frustrated shouty sounds/ like I’m not hungry but I’m STILL DIZZY and this is SO STUPID like . . . clearly I now have REAL ACTUAL PROBLEMS that can’t just be . . . “put aside to do later” and I . . . don’t . . . know what’s going to happen with my affirming healthcare options once this becomes a problem for that honestly I . . . . I can’t just . . . spontaneously stop having an eating disorder and magically have the capacity to eat normally again the second they tell me they’re getting concerned. I don’t think ?I even KNOW? what ‘eating normally’ would look like anymore. ugh.

At the very least, I actually DID CEASE being suicidal after Uriel died. I had been for 10 months, but I wasn’t anymore. It suddenly felt like it wouldn’t make any sense at ALL for me to kill me, because . . . I had this sensation that I had already died. That I was already dead. There was no state of “being dead” to change into, anymore, in any way that mattered. . . . and that was also really interesting. I had never read a SINGLE PERSON talking about suicide as a “transitory tool” in a true sense, I had ONLY read it discussed as a “there is no way to continue moving forward in my life that can pursue and achieve happiness” solution. I had only heard it discussed as, “no one actually WANTS to be dead, they just want something else to stop”. And yet . . . here I was. And yet here I am. . . . can I make a joke about how “wow did cotards save me despite all of my complications with it, because if the only reason I’m alive-dead is because becoming dead-dead wouldn’t change anything because I’m already dead, then that’s kind of a big deal.” This the stupidest new remix of the concept ‘I had to die to survive’ that I have EVER HEARD.

/is humoured/ /flops down to lie down flat on bed/

[xweetok-starmap]

Oh I should make a “how was life in physical, non-social space today” journal entry, umm

I didn’t actually use my bento box today! I ate some food separately from it, because eating food a little more whimsically is possible for me within an hour or two of having rso. (Why does a tool that genuinely makes it easier for me to eat, ALSO boost metabolism which means I’ll go through the food faster . . . ? like evERYTHING’S just gotta be a double knife here . . . at least I haven’t thrown up ever since I started using it as a type of regular preventative support.) But I also found myself very intimately aware of how the quantity of food I had, would approximately line _up_ with the bento. . . . so I actually still did not eat more than a full bento. Actually, I think I ultimately ended up eating LESS food than I have been eating on average the last ~5 days . . .

It was really strange. After I ate an amount of food I was like “alright, and now any more eating for the day is fake.” /confused furrows/ but . . . not in an angry or self-discipline way . . .more in a . . . literally cannot do it way? it was like: in the way where if you’re standing in a high place, you may think about how you literally are not capable of flying? (sorry for any accidental dysphoria @ this example, anyone) (or how with my touch aversion, in the way I might look at my spouse and know that I’m not capable of hugging him and it not feeling bad)

it was really, _really_ bizarre . . . it reminded me ooooooooooof . . . . oh what was the experience yesterday? I was having a cotards moment I think, and I was like “well there is no material effect that happens if a dead body eats food, so . . . I guess it does not matter if I eat this thing or not.” (except in this particular case, it meant that I DID end up eating the thing instead of just Not Eating). It reminded me of that experience, but an inversion of it.

I think I do prefer the experience of packing and eating from the bento, pretty strongly. The amount of time I spend in the kitchen thinking about the food is longer — so I’m more likely to pack a greater variety; I’m more likely to pack the bento as tight as possible; I’m more likely to eat more nuts and vegetables. Generally the food type balance just ends up being something I’m happier with. (Packing all the gaps in the bento box with sprouts or carrots or bell peppers is fun). I also get to spend a longer time eating and actually experiencing the food, instead of just ‘oh it’s a few minutes of fast but calorically dense grazing, okay bye food forever’. . . . . yeah, thinking on it I definitely do end up eating more with the bento . . . .

Now that I think about it, I haven’t been hungry at all today . . . I wasn’t really hungry at all yesterday, either . . . ?

Well anyway, I’m . . . kind of dizzy, honestly . . . and I don’t really want to eat so I guess I should ??go to bed?? since otherwise I will just keep being dizzy. this is a very concerning sentence to read . . . ugh . . .

Otherwise! I trimmed and filed my nails today, so that my nail that got ripped off isn’t my only short one. It is still so odd being able to trim my nails, they were so strong for sooo long that they could not be trimmed at all . . . . but today I was feeling them and I was like . . . “these feel softly flexible in a way that could be a liability, so . . . I need to make these as short as possible”. I don’t think I’ve ever trimmed/files my nails so quickly before, either, there was a lot less resistance for filing.

[xweetok-starmap]

OH THE MARAQUAN VARWOLF IS INCREDIBLE

It reminds me a li’l of my headspace body, (though mine has a very different skeletal shape for how the spine & neck connect) which is primarily seahorse based, but it used to have a lot of oribi antelope fawn traits. Those have mostly all melted away at this point, but sometimes if I’m hanging out with Itov in headspace I’ll end up in my _old_ headspace body which is still primarily oribi antelope fawn.) (also has various plant notes to it, depending on what’s sprouting).

It ALSO reminds me a li’l of Uriel’s headspace body, primarily in skeletal shape (which is good, because I’ve always had a difficult time mentally translating how I UNDERSTAND his front ‘arm’ appendages work in the . . . connection point from the torso of his body from the “second torso”/longer end of his body . . . to what it would actually ??look like??).

These new neopets are all so cute :3