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[xzb]

Dream on August 2, 2024 morning at the St. Regis Chicago 420 Suite:

I woke up at 5:30 am after long hours of sleep probably due to both China and Seattle timezone change to Chicago. Then I continue to sleep till 7:30 am and had a dream that I rarely remembered.

First Keith and I were carrying bag and luggage traveling back to somewhere. The road we were on looked like Chengdu to Dujiangyan passway. Somehow there was a car stopped in the middle dangerously. We all rushed to the side except Keith was nearly looking. The danger was imminent because the stoped car would be hit by another car and fly into crowd. My mom and I already went off the road to the side where we were relatively safe. Then the stopped car was hit and flew over near Keith while he was standing on the curb of the road. The car was vey close to him when stopped after flying over. It was so close that would hit him and seriously hurt him.

Next, somehow my sixth aunt was with us (reality: she just texted me about my dad in the senior center and how much she helped). We were carrying all luggages to I believe my mom’s place. We were walking along the road. Sixth aunt somehow caught a small commuter bus and got on. My mom said it is okay, that bus has limited space. Then sixth aunt took off to somewhere.

Last, somehow Wang Zao was with me and my mom and we ended up in a college grocery store. We went to buy the vegetables but only stems left because we went there later and all the leaves were picked by the other earlier shoppers. I suddenly remembered that my luggages and bag were not with me. My mom on the other hand was not panicking when I told her as she believes that someone already delivered or had the luggages safe.

That’s all the dream I could remember. The six aunt appearance is because she just texted me about my dad and asked if I had contacted him much. Zao is a nice appearance to my dream. My mom’s excuse for my six is likely more genuine than mine as I did not appreciate her much as she is utilizing moral values. Worry for Keith is always there but glad he dodged the car accident and is safe.

I am going to share with Alex my dream - first thought when I wanted to share but it is too early to text him and also it is a good thing to write it out.

Side note I had either a short dream or thinking about Alex and I doing what he used to do - slapping and somehow I added tongue biting. I probably will have a dream about Alex soon. Let’s see.

[xzb]

2023年五月二十八日晨

早上被尿胀醒，或者是被梦中的情景急醒了。梦是这样：好像是小时候的石老师在北大校园里面要听写英语单词，我不知道怎么回事一个人在山上悠哉聊斋的逛着，似乎就是要故意错过这次重要的听写。听写是在下午三点 等到已经两点四十八，我突然反应过来要迟到，慌张的往山下跑，穿过北大小西南门附近的地铁站，已经是三点五分，已经晚了，不过我还是尽快的跑，心里想着单词怎写。突然就醒了。我们在silver cove resort camping。这几天正在读irvin yolum的关于人生幸福和死亡的书。他和他六十五年在一起的妻子一起写的。里面提到了梦境一般都是反映出自己潜意识里面害怕的东西。我刚做的这个梦就反映出自己一直拖拉把重要事情留到最后去做。需要慢慢改掉这个习惯。

同时，在读他的书的时候又会想起Hayden觉得要是自己能和他有联系然后在一起。可惜现在Hayden已经完全不会搭理我回复我无聊的信息了。

先去尿尿，不然膀胱要炸了

[xzb]

Solution

The hardest part of solution is the persistence.  When you think something is a solution, you have to stick to me.  In my case, I think every time I express my down-ness to H, it will end up like in the hell, lol, taking what he said in gloomy times.  If I am happier, it seems he can get over the down time better.  The way I can get happier is to filter what I say, also not to jealous about things, not to be so sensitive.  For example, when he is having fun with his friend and not having time for me at that time, I should feel happy that he is happy.  When he chats with Gerard or other friend, helps others with their needs, I should be happy that my boy is so kind and nice and my luck to meet such a nice person.  I have a lot to learn from him.  Be generous to all the people, have a heart of tolerance.  In order to love someone, I have to be strong and independent.  Maybe someday, he will shift a little bit his generousness and kindness towards me.  Is this selfish?  I think this may be the reason he calls me selfish.  I have no words to argue and I do not want to argue to make the situation worse.  I know I love him and I would rather be the person who on the side watches him being happy and masturbate to it.  Haha, did I tell you I am kinda sick? not sick sick but sick. ;)

Again, solution is to persistently being happy, appearing to be happy in front of him.  I believe the quote that when you are happy, more happiness will come to find you; when you are sad, sadness will never leave you alone.  The original quote sounds much better but hope you get the general meaning.  Authentic happiness comes from your heart. 

[xzb]

New blog

I was reading the book authentic happiness.  I only have finished the first chapter.  The authentic happiness does not come with ease.  I am struggling but I am moving towards a happy ending.  Hahaha

First, if you are reading this blog, you need to get used to the innuendo I use.  I sometimes consider myself nympho but it surely is exaggerated.  Also, you may find out more about myself in my another blog.  I will try to write as object as I can.  Maybe this statement is faulty.  How can a person write something without his own thoughts or mind set?  That is why I love the word paradox.  Life itself is a paradox.

My life involves right now three important persons:  Myself J, of course, my boyfriend right now K and my boy H.  I love both of them but I think in different ways.  Right now, I am struggling to my own expectation to H.  I do not know what I can and cannot expect from him.  This is why I am troubled.  On one end, I could give up on him and do not expect a life with him, but this hurts me and him, hopefully ;)  One the other end, I could treat him as a boyfriend even a spouse but certainly it is overwhelming for him.  I always tell people that life is all about find the right balance but I myself usually bounce between two extremes.  For example, yesterday was a hard day on me.  H told me another gay friend he has Gerard wants to have a relationship with him.  He seems not seeing that how hard it is on me.  Instead of talking to me, asking me how I am doing, let me help him through the hard time together, he turned to comfort Gerard.  In this respect, I hurt because I had treated him as my boyfriend.  In order for me to calm down and do not care, I think I need to view him as a friend.  In my view, in gay world, there will never be true friends.  One is always wanting to get into another, your friend's pants.  When you find someone you want to live a life with, you should not have contact with other gay guys.  It happened to myself.  What he did actually downgrade my hope to be with him.  At this hard time, he went to comfort the other guy.  There is no way one could keep everyone happy but sometime you have to pick which one you want to comfort which one you think is the most important to you.  I would drop everything anything for him when he needs me.  But it seems he has not gained the experiences.  I think one reason is that he has never had a relationship.  I think I should let him free and he can do what he wanna try.  I understand he has doubt in his heart if we could actually work out.  I am willing to take the risk that let him try out with other guys.  I believe he may someday come back to me.  During this hard time, K is the only one who is being so strong and he is being there for me even though I told him I am going to leave him.  What a generous love he can provide.  I want to provide such kind of love to H.  I am learning and I am trying.