yaba-ko

[yaba-ko]

I used to see the Jesus in him so clearly. I know He’s in him, sleeping. Or possibly hidden in a cage of insecurity.

[yaba-ko]

27/45

I am in so much physical pain. Its like never ending these days. I mean granted on friday I did it to myself because I want to be responsible & I’m not ready to have babies but sometimes I question if the Lord’s punishing me lmao. Jk He would never. He’s the frost on the trees, the sparkles on the snowflakes.

My body hurts. I’m losing weight and so my body is changing. Mama says its hyper acidity. I haven’t experienced hyper acidity since I was a kid.

My mind is evolving stronger to bounce back from thoughts that don’t matter. I’ve fallen out of love with false idols and back in with my self and everything that breathes Jesus.

Its crazy how much breathing helps pain. I need to apply for grants. And record vocals. And exercise and read and drink water. But right now I need to rest.

I wish I could be more gentle with myself and I’m grateful God put the right people in my life at the right times to remind me to be so.

& in my spirit when something feels wrong it feels really wrong. I miss the old him and I fell in love with potential. But I can’t build a man.

It doesn’t match right now but its okay because God is always there.

[yaba-ko]

25/75

Its crazy I’ve lost 10 pounds. I got my iud inserted yesterday and I’ve never experienced pain like that wow. But it was okay because even tho my friends are away its like they’re here bc theyre so supportive and kind & I’m so grateful God put them in my life. Sometimes I wonder if I’m getting too wholesome like a white blank sheet of paper. Like I think the world has taught me to fear this feeling of freedom as “boring”?! But I feel so grounded and loved and flexible enough to do what I need/ want to do. I want to carry these habits for the rest of my life. I really love spending time with God. I love Him so much & I’ve never met a love like this (lol im so corny) but truly He’s just there and was there the whole time. I hope to lose 5 pounds. I hope to get a grant from the gov here. I hope I can make art for the people or just do whatever God wants me to do and be obedient in that lol.

[yaba-ko]

day 8/75

I had a weird dream last night. I can’t remember all of it but it felt like we were in a Boston apartment in Calgary. Then the lady was white with short bob blonde hair said to my mom “you are gorgeous, now I know who she spent all this time trying to look like.” 

These 75 days are for me, to come back to myself. I already have it I’m just sculpting. Everyday I am getting better in every way. I’ve been feeling so numb lately and I’m making every effort I can to get out of it. I try to write music everyday and honestly, I feel like I’ve been trash lately. Nothing good is coming out. But I got to keep pushing. 

I’ve lost some great people along the way because of mistakes I’ve made and I just have to give it to God. 

That He takes people out of my life who are harmful to me / people I’m harmful to. 

I’ve been losing weight. The number on the scale hasn’t changed yet but I see it and feel it in my body. I have to keep going. I want my old body back.

woah i missed me. 

[yaba-ko]

day 6/75

i don’t wanna get out of bed at all. But I know that I need to. I think I’m gonna, take the progress photo. Eat, go fo the 45 min walk. Then try to do insanity. Cold shower, read. I devised a diet plan for myself. So everything is under the umbrella of vegetarian. And it’s sustainable. a cheat meal would be anything deviating from my diet plan. 

my heart kinda hurts. but i can’t sit in this. 

[yaba-ko]

victim mentality

getting rid of victim mentality is hard. 

[yaba-ko]

day 5/75

reminder: talk to yourself like you talk to a friend. 

annie you are worthy. you have worth you dummy. you’ve gotten out before, you can get out of this again. 

his words havent felt empty like this in a while. why can’t i just be grateful even if i dont get what i want. 

its crazy. im doing all the work. im working out, drinking water, i have a job i been reading & drinking water, eating healthy, sleeping yet today im ruminating in my emptiness. in my lonely. its like im reaching goals or climbing the steps but no one is really doing this with me but God and my sister up in heaven.

God tames the emptiness in me, planted not buried. i should sleep. let him go. let him go. let him go. you are worthy, so let him go. 

so today im gonna eat, go for a walk, insanity, shower make up music, work, music. best potential every day.

[yaba-ko]

Day 4/75

Today I can’t help but feel numb. I’m hoping it goes away as I go for this walk. I’m gonna walk to shoppers, send more presents to friends. Get a razor. Get mascara. Then I’ll get home and do insanity. Then go to work? Then work on the music todo list

[yaba-ko]

Day 3/75

Yesterday was really good. I finished all my tasks. One thing I need to be mindful of with this vegetarian diet is eating a lot. I feel like I might be eating too much here and there. 

[yaba-ko]

Day 2/75

So today was good. I finished all the tasks. I think I’m going to use tumblr as a day planning thing too? kinda like an internet journal? I realized yesterday my biggest downfall is CHIPS and candy (and probably mcdonalds and wendy’s...) 

I love to reward myself with food. I think this challenge is a lot better than doing a 21 day water fast. I just have to treat it like a 21 day water fast. This is for my mental strength and less for my body. 

Part of the trick is drinking the water in the morning. 

Tomorrow I am going to go for a walk after I wake up and go on the elliptical again for 45 mins. 

Then I’ll take a cold shower. 

Work on music. Record peter’s thing & brand new. and maybe work on cyd’s music. 

Then I’ll read 10 pages. 

The tasks don’t take up that much time and this challenge isn’t actually hard. Its just turning off laziness & fear. 

Being vegetarian is easier when my family supports me. I think I’m gonna finish the challenge this time and not fold. 

I’m also gonna try to not wear make up for the next 75 days? But we’ll see how difficult that gets lol. This isn’t part of the challenge I just wana see what happens to my skin.

[yaba-ko]

Day 1/75

So I’m starting the 75 day challenge. Rules that I have to do everyday:

- follow a diet (I’m following vegetarian) 

- workout 45 min outdoors 

- workout 45 min indoors 

- drink 4 litres of water 

- read 10 pages non-fiction

- take a progress photo

Day 1, I am going to go for the walk, eat lunch, the run errands like go to the mall, go to the bank. Then I’m gonna get home, workout in the basement. Then I can work on music, then read & go to bed. 

[yaba-ko]

my next gig im gonna sing well & be engaging.

today's gig felt like trash and im disappointed in myself.

[yaba-ko]

s/o to God.

[yaba-ko]

planted not buried

i don't need to worry

my emptiness tamed,

love's sweeter than honey.

prayer, my thoughts.

He's becoming my everything.

fear in vault,

for four different psalms.

(c) 'butas in the bank' by Annie.

[yaba-ko]

hey.... its 2020, do u still hate me?

[yaba-ko]

Keep it real, keep it lowkey

[yaba-ko]

lol why are you even with her? 🙃