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"Whoever is not satisfied with Christ alone, strives after something beyond absolute perfection." —John Calvin

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Happy first day of fall in memories of Pokee 🦔🍂🍁 | mr.pokee

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But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  2 Corinthians 12:9

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Empty Womb

Every month my husband and I are so anxious to see the results on my pregnancy test; we're always left disheartened. Yet, we are moved towards humility in light of our finite human abilities. The power to create life is and will always be God's alone.

My child's frame is not hidden from Him, being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Though I do not see my child, God's eyes see his/her unformed substance (Psalm 139). Jay and I wait and pray as our child is being wonderfully and fearfully made. We rest assure that His timing is wise. If not now, if not later...if not ever--He is still the God who walks with us through the deep waters and burning fire (Isaiah 43:2).

My womb may be empty, but Your promises are not. Abba, I am completely satisfied in You alone.

Psalm 107:9, "For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things."

CY

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At the Table - CT

We are a part of the Church, the Bride of Christ—called to exude the image of God and be His witnesses in a world so broken. Nevertheless, we are also humans who are tainted with the sin of Adam. This is one crucial piece that we often forget when we are filled with the Holy Spirit. We forget that we are still sinful and are capable of evil if we just simply…let go.

So then why have we become so judgmental of the one who God has placed at the headship of the United States of America? Do we trust that God is still sovereign in who and what He commands creation to do? Even in President Trump’s divisive comments, we must trust that through his mouth and actions, God’s truth abounds to His glory (Romans 3:7). Like many people today, I had immense doubts for Trump when he was only a candidate. In fact, I voiced my opinion many times on social media during the tenure of the Presidential Race. My doubts had not changed about Trump when he became President, but my attitude and respect did change because He is the President. Whether we like it or not. 

We create blind spots for ourselves when our doubts, attitude and respect for someone is on the adverse end of the spectrum. Unfortunately, that is exactly what America has done. It is indisputable that we ought to bring wisdom and beautiful storytelling both to the church and from the church to the world. It is certain that politics matter, yet will never bring the dead back to life. But I ask, how is the church bringing wisdom and telling stories in light of who God has placed as the head of America? 

The Trump Administration has done more goodness to Christian witness than it has “wrought enormous damage”. Christians can again witness to children in welfare programs (WJS.com); persecuted Christians [and missionaries] are being sought out for by the Administration for protection around the world (americamagazine.org); VA facilities have access to religious freedoms again such as religious symbols, Bibles, and spiritual and pastoral care (VA.gov); and, these are just a few of many more Christian witness pursuits. We can witness because of the Trump’s pro-religious due diligence. So, I echo the words of Paul again from Romans 3:7, God’s truth abounds to His glory no matter an individual’s lie, hostile actions, or divisive comments. This is a call-to-action; let us not allow Trump’s past and present sin become a veil to God’s goodness in the Christian community.

If you are interested, I’ve included a few of my responses to the notions articulated in Christianity Today’s article, The Flag in the Whirlwind: An Update from CT’s President.

CT: It has harmed African American, Hispanic American, and Asian American brothers and sisters.

I’m not sure I see where the current Administration has harmed people of color. Unemployment for African American, Hispanic, and Asian American has decreased significantly, wherein the unemployment rate is at an all time low. His support from people of color has doubled because of the new policies he has passed, and old policies he’s reformed. The media tells us the Administration has hurt people of color, but in reality, he has created opportunities that benefited both the private and public sector, and people of color. Just to name a few, First Step, HBCU, and Opportunity Zones.

On the contrary, the policies Obama's Administration and previous Democrats have passed has hurt the minority population significantly. Just research how Asian-Americans and Black-Americans are being marginalized and failed by the policies; its details are staggering.

CT: And it has undercut the efforts of countless missionaries who labor in the far fields of the Lord.

I wished the President of CT provided data on how he came to the conclusion that missionaries were being undercut in their efforts. His statement may be coming from a stance that is only a collective, not factual. After Christianity Today posted their article, one author, Dr. Michael, came out with this data: 17% of missionaries working overseas have said supporting Trump hurts their witness, while the remainder 84% stated it did not. Even for missionaries in West Africa, their support for Trump impacted them at 0%--so on and so forth to Nigeria, New Zealand, all the way down to Australia (Askdrbrown.org). So are American missionaries really hurt by Trump's presidency? Overall, no. To use the lesser data and speak to it as a whole, is similar to Planned Parenthood's method of using their low mammogram stat as their primary care.

The problem is that we as evangelicals are also associated with President Trump’s rampant immorality, greed, and corruption; his divisiveness and race-baiting; his cruelty and hostility to immigrants and refugees; and more. In other words, the problem is the wholeheartedness of the embrace. It is one thing to praise his accomplishments; it is another to excuse and deny his obvious misuses of power.

This is a great point, and though I do agree to some extent on this statement. However, I want to remind us that we are all sinners who are prone to immorality, greed, and corruption. “It is one thing to praise his accomplishments; it is another to excuse and deny his obvious misuses of power.” I want to see the evidence of his misuse of power. I am the type of person to listen to full hearings from the Senate, House, Court, and even press conferences. If there is any misuse of power, it is the mainstream media. With their greed, they create corrupt narratives to fit their propaganda—both the left and the right media.

In regard to cruelty and hostility to immigrants and refugees, there is no intentional cruelty or hostility. If there is, it is amongst the lower line of command. In Trump’s Administration there has been less inhumane treatment since Obama and his predecessors. Before Trump, immigrants were brutally deported at a rate 3 times higher. They were housed like chickens in a coop; not only that, tear gas and other aggressive methods were used to maintain the number of incoming immigrants. Cruelty and hostility will exist for as long as sin exists in this world.

Bottom line, there is no problem with evangelicals associating themselves with President Trump. We must ask ourselves if we are doing justice to God if we support the latter, or remain in silence as the Bride of Christ. How will our Christian witness be perceived if we supported someone who stood against all our Christian values? Should we stand idly by and watch our religious liberties be stripped away by remaining silent--how then would we witness? I want nothing more but for the church to exude Christ, in hopes that we may restore our country in the likeness of Hezekiah and the many other faithful doers of justice.

CY

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Coming to Peace

I’m not exactly sure how to begin. I guess...let me start with this. This past Sunday, I taught a lesson on “Persevering for the Purpose of Godliness”. When I was asked to teach, my initial plan was to expound on Romans 5 and Paul’s own suffering. However in my preparation, I was taken back to a season of my suffering where the reality of our broken world and God’s amazing grace met. In my remembrance, I was compelled to expound on God’s Truth in the midst of my own suffering and perseverance. It was never my intentions to share my suffering so deeply, let alone allow myself to reflect on the details of it. As I cried and choked on snot through my lesson, I realized that I never came to peace with my suffering. 

You see...in late 2017, I became very stressed with a personal matter occurring in my life. It ate me away and before I knew it, my stress allowed a way for Satan to step in and exaggerate my emotions. As 2018 approach, depression was at the doorsteps welcoming me. During my phase of depression, I cried in any place that was private. In my car, in the shower, in my kitchen. I can still see myself trying to hold it all together because I didn’t want my husband to know the rainstorm circulating within me. I can still remember the silent tears that my pillow drank on nights I felt overwhelmed for no reason. It was no longer about the initial personal matter that caused my feelings to spiral downwards. There are really no words for how I truly felt. I felt helpless; I felt hopeless. For some reason, I just always felt a sense of gloom over me. My emotions began to impact my physical well-being as time went on. I was tired often and didn’t have the desire to eat much either. I became thin, in which I received many compliments from my mom for "keeping it together". However, everything was just falling apart. Unfortunately at the time, I didn’t realize I was depressed because I held the belief that my faith would not allow me to. It wasn’t until a couple months into 2018 that I came to a place where I acknowledged my depression. But I questioned myself, how could a faith-filled woman become depressed?

Then suddenly in April 2018, the violent waves of anxiety crashed over me...seeking to devour me. It hit me fast and hard. The rainstorm circulating within conjured into a hurricane I couldn't escape, and anxiety was in the eye of the storm. Anxiety is not momentary. It isn’t when your heartbeats fast before you take a test, or make your way up to sing in front of an audience. Anxiety isn’t when you’re nervous for your kids first day of school, nor is it the feeling you get before a job interview. Those events may cause you to be anxious—being anxious is a normal emotion everyone feels every now and then. But it is not anxiety. Anxiety is something you feel 24/7; from the time you wake up to the time you go to sleep, though even in your sleep…you are restless. Anxiety is the excessive and all-consuming emotion of deep, inescapable fear. It was strange, because I didn’t know exactly what I was fearful of. I just knew that I lived in an intense amount of fear every second of every day. I was unable to stay calm inside. My heart felt tight all the time and I no longer felt like myself. Due to this, my performance at work and my patience at home dwindled. I had lost control of my well-being, work performance, and my responsibilities at home.

As my depression and anxiety raged on, I experienced severe depersonalization, also known as derealization. You will find that most people who suffer from anxiety have/has experienced depersonalization. It’s hard to describe it, but I often felt detached from my body and unable to grasp reality or my current situation(s). I felt as if I no longer existed in the world. In short, I was on auto-pilot because my body was unable to feel anything else other than the fear that was spread within me. I acted as human as I could to ensure nobody knew what I was going through. My husband whom I shared a bed with was oblivious; I wanted to keep it that way. I continued feeling irreparable, disabled, everything remorseful and yet nothing. I felt a sorrow so dark that I believed no one would ever understand.

Satan took this opportunity to drown me in many lies about myself and God. I began to believe that I was never a child of God. Everything that I’ve every done in my Christian life was all for pride. Salvation was no gift of mine and God was no friend to me. God was a liar and did not love me. Ending my life would be significantly better than living in fear. 

I thought I had experienced the worst of it all as I battled through the spiritual warfare. Then it happened. Within the last two weeks of May 2018, I experienced my first of 3 major panic attacks. This was the cherry on top for me. Everything that I have been feeling for the past few months was exemplified by 100. I can still recall what happened that night as if it were yesterday. I sat up quickly in my bed as everything around me was tunneling in. I was afraid to shut my eyes because I was sure death was to follow. I heard my heart beat outside of my chest. My heart rate increased dramatically, which caused me to think I was having a heart attack. In between the pounding of my heart and the rapid beating of my heart, I was trembling as if an earthquake had just came through. My body continued to spiral around with breathlessness, chills, and excessive sweat. After the dramatic symptoms passed, my chest was struck with a tightness so severe that it turned my stomach inside out. Before the panic attack ended, my head became as light as a cloud while my body experienced a deep sense of detachment. My panic attack lasted approximately 3 minutes. I knew because Jay had taken Hazel out to use the restroom, in which it typically took 3 minutes. This was my first panic attack and I was determined to make it my last.

The moment I heard Jay shut the screen door of our home, I laid in bed as quickly as I was able and turned away to make him think I was sleeping. But in reality I was thinking about ending my life. As I laid in my bed inside the love-filled home my husband and I shared, I cried to myself, “God, I can’t handle this anymore. If I have to deal with this for the rest of my life...I won’t.” That dreary night in May I began to think about ways to end my life to escape the eye of the storm. It didn't feel like a big deal to me because I already felt like I didn't exist. The only difference would be that I would no longer physically exist. Throughout the night I envisioned two possible ways for me to escape. My tired body forced itself to doze off into a deep sleep while I silently drenched my pillow in tears.

Depression. Anxiety. Depersonalization. These were all very raw emotions, and they are all very serious mental illnesses. By the power of God, a lot has been done to remediate the suffering except the trauma. In full transparency, I still struggle with anxiety [and depersonalization]. I’ve wrestled with the question, “why am I still struggling when my faith has been refined to be stronger than before?” But the fact is that we live in a broken world filled with sin. Anxiety is the proof of sin, in which some experience the reality of how sin has tainted the world. Will the deep cuts of fear engraved in anxiety ever be eradicated? With a joyful heart, I exclaim with a yes! “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison (2 Corinthians 4:17).” 

I can’t speak for everyone who has gone through this type of suffering. But this is my story; the story of a faith-filled woman who was brought to a place of suffering so agonizing that taking her own life was the only way to have peace. I know sometimes it may be hard to understand why anyone would have the will power to end their life, but know this...the enemy works hard to try and destroy anything that brings glory to God. The solid foundation of God’s Truth was the only thing standing between my life and death. It’s taken a few beloved people and over thousands of words to fight for the peace of knowing this Truth: though I have suffered a little while [and will continue to], the God of all grace, who has called me to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish me (1 Peter 5:10). 

My peace now rests on the Truth that one day, God our Creator will wipe away every tear from our eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things will have passed away (Revelation 21:4).  

CY

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My friend called me today while she was at work, wherein I could tell she was flabbergasted. As I listened to her frantic voice, she exclaimed to me that she was having a panic attack and didn't know what to do.

The first Truth that came to mind was this... HIS perfect love casts out all fear(s). In moments of terror, it may seem hard to focus on His Truth and His promise to us. But what a blessing it is to have the Helper guide us in our weakest moments to ensure we make our way to His perfect love.

After a quick [face-to-face] visit with my friend, the love of Christ resonated more deeply within me. We need Him at our best. We need Him at our worst. There will never be a day where we do not need Jesus. He is the perfect love and our only hope.

Much love from Christ and myself to you dear friend.

CY

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Motherhood

When I was a single adult, I planned out my motherhood as if a proposition to God. I wrote out in my journal, “A little one at the age of 24, and another at the age of 26. Then my sixth and last child when I’m 35.” I had hoped for God to sign His name on the line and bless it. But here I am, 26 years old, and still no little one to hold. I trust in God’s timing and know that He has plans greater than I can ever imagine. Until He calls me to motherhood, I will wait patiently in the Lord’s goodness and serve as faithfully as I am led to. 

My husband and I have been actively trying to conceive for only four months, but if I am being honest with myself, it feels like it’s been two years. In these past months, I’ve felt downhearted by the negative pregnancy results and even the amount of money I’ve spent to increase my chances of pregnancy. Interesting to say the least, it’s when other people talk to me about having children when I’m the most downhearted. I remember being at a social event, and a woman said to me, “You’re not trying hard enough [to conceive].” Those words stung me down to the core of my motherhood desire--though I knew it wasn’t meant to hurt me. 

I often wonder to myself still: Is it because my mother told me I would never have children? Is it because I played too much volleyball? Is it because I am not as fertile as I think I am? There are so many factors as to what the possibilities could be, but I rest in Hannah’s prayer as she wept to Eli, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life... (1 Samuel 1:11)”. This is an echo of my husband's and my prayer every night--that we would be given a child to offer to God in the work He has yet to complete.

I know there are many more women who have been disheartened with the trials of conceiving far longer than me, and I commend you for your patience. I share in your longing to hold a child of your own, to nurture your little one in grace and love, and to experience a bond unexplainable. My confidence is this...childless or with child, we are all called to pursue God’s Kingdom in the church and amongst His people. Until God sees it fit for us to move into the season of motherhood, let us pray as faithfully as Hannah and serve as genuinely as the Spirit of God leads us to. 

CY

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Psalm 126:5 (KJV)

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The Church

In the past few years, I have learned two things about the Church. One, the Church is imperfect; and, two, the Church will be restored. 

With social media and the power of the internet, word gets around fast when famous pastors make rude remarks, or denominations debate ungraciously with one another, or especially how one doctrine is more biblical than the latter. Perhaps you may have even read about faithful pastors who became disarranged because of whom they’ve associated themselves with; or even heard the slander that Christian brothers and sisters partake in as the Church. 

I am weary and disheartened, for my heart has been in a long season of zeal for the American Church. How can it be that the very institution God created for His glory, become a place that reflects the opposite? The Church’s existence is to glorify God through worship, edification, and evangelism–being fixed on the cross. Instead, it seems the Church has moved its eyes to be fixed on denominational bylaws, politics, theological differences, and association. How can I be a part of a church that does not want to be unified together? If the Body of Christ is to move in unity, why is there disharmony?

I’m asking myself these questions trying to understand, how are we to be the Body of Christ if all of the body pieces have been severed by animosity? It is in these moments that we take a step back to realign ourselves with the cross where Christ Jesus shed His blood. It’s not about us, the Church was never about us. It’s always and only been about how God will glorify an imperfect church to be the perfect Bride of Christ one day. The church was established by God for the purpose of God, for the glory of God. It is until we know this, that we are willing to lay down our pride for the cause of Christ. Only when we, as believers, fix our eyes solely on Christ will we be able to carryout the ministries that God has called us to: worship, edify, and evangelize.

Imagine the absolute joy we can experience if we fixed our imperfect eyes on the perfect Jesus. It is only Him who can remove the veil from our eyes. It is only Him who will give us the ability to carryout His ministries faithfully. 

Many times in one day alone, I think to myself, “O’ how I cannot wait until the return of my sweet Jesus to glorify His Bride”. I imagine the wonder and majesty of it all, in hopes that soon, the Church will be restored to glory. I wait, and until that day comes…I will serve the Church as faithfully as the Spirit guides me to. Though imperfect now, the Church will be restored for all of eternity.

CY

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What is my reward in this? It is the honor of being called by God in Christ.

That is all I desire.

CY

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Columbus a Saint?

In lieu of 10/14 being #ColumbusDay and #IndigenousPeopleDay , I believe we need to acknowledge the atrocities that took place in the aftermath of Columbus’ discovery of the Americas. However, we also need to be aware of the truth of history. Sorry, but I’m not sorry for saying this, Columbus should not be a symbol of white supremacy or racism. 

 

In reading “The Age of Exploration: From Christopher Columbus to Ferdinand Magellan” and “Journal of the First Voyage of Columbus”, I have come to a conclusion that many of Columbus’ enemies exaggerated and fabricated his sins in South America. Most of the accounts that were made on behalf of Columbus was part of the Black Legend, whom sought to defame Spain. The Black Legend was written by the Dutch, English and French as an effort to help them gain power in the race towards conquering land. The Black Legend held decontextualized and fabricated “facts” that placed the Spaniards in a negative light …which sadly we have adopted today due to saturating what is fed to us via social media, mainstream media, and even public schools. In fact, it was identified that disease and famine was the killer of two-thirds of the Spanish settlers as well as Native Americans (80-90% fatality rate). Many researchers who worked to understand the true narrative stated, “There were too few Spaniards to have killed the millions who were reported to have died in the first century after the Old and New World contact.”

 

To associate Columbus, who is a Spaniard, with white supremacy is disingenuous to what Columbus was hopeful for. In actuality, he was appreciative of the Native American culture and their beauty; “As soon as dawn broke many of these people came to the beach, all youths, as I have said, and all good stature, a very handsome people. Their hair is not curly, but loose and coarse, like horse hair…their eyes are very beautiful and not small…”

It’s important to note, that one of his primary focus was to the Christian church. At that time, the Islamic religion was spreading and becoming hostile to which it was threatening Christian monarchies. Columbus sought to find a new route to Cathay/India to preach the Christian message and leave missionaries there. He had also hoped to find gold and riches to impress the King and Queen, though at the same time, receive funds to further the Christian church. In reading Columbus’ journal entries—there is a zeal he has for God.

 

“I [know] that we might form great friendship, for I knew that they were a people who could be more easily freed and converted to our holy faith by love than by force, gave to some of them red caps, and glass beads to put round their necks…”

 

“I saw and knew that these people are without any religion, not idolaters, but very gentle, not knowing what is evil, nor the sins of murder and theft, being without arms, and so timid that a hundred would fly before one Spaniard, although they joke with them. They, however, believe and know that there is a God in heaven, and say that we have come from Heaven. At any prayer that your Highness should resolve to make them Christians, for I believe that, if the work was begun, in a little time a multitude of nations would be converted to our faith.”

 

However, we must also remember that Columbus is human—in which, we should know that we are sinful and depraved…incapable of ultimate good and righteousness. He was torn between his high religious pursuit, and the realities of trading and colonization to please his King and Queen. “Although he did control some of his men’s excesses, these developments blunted his ability to retain the high moral ground and the claim in particular that his ‘discoveries’ were divinely ordained.” The current perspective of Columbus is quite demeaning to his efforts, as it focuses on the destructive side of the European and French settlement, which occurred a century after Columbus died (1600s).

I’m not justifying the slaughter of millions of Native Americans through illnesses and by the hands of man, but I want to make known the large detail that everyone tends to miss about Columbus. All in all, in my humble opinion, Columbus was a man after God’s Kingdom—but very much so the Spaniard Kingdom as well. He was torn between what was pleasing to the Lord and what was pleasing to his King and Queen. He could not control the men given to him by the Monarchy, nor his urge to please and gain status among the Spaniard Monarchy. In his voyages, he was able to bring hundreds of Native Americans to Christ through the use of many of missionaries (to which these converted Native Americans were slaughtered in the 1600s). While Spain sought to recognize Columbus as a Saint, Europe sought to make him the villain. We should seek to disassociate Columbus from the tragedy that occurred upon the Native Americans, and perhaps seek for the truth in history. Through the truth, may we be moved to honor him in his zeal for God and Christian mission.

 

In Columbus’ last journal entry he writes, “I know that he has miraculously shown his will, as may be seen from this journal, setting forth the numerous miracles that have been displayed in the voyage, and in me who was long at the court of your highnesses, working in opposition to and against the opinions of so many chief persons of your household, who were all against me, looking up this enterprise folly. But I hope, in our Lord, that it will be a great benefit to Christianity, for so it has ever appeared.”

I think the real question for me is... why is John Smith championed? His atrocities were many more, yet he is romanticized in the story of Pocohantus. Perhaps it is because we have bought the fabrication of the "Black Legend".

CY

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For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

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