yathinkbruh - Tumblr blog

[yathinkbruh]

First 2 weeks:

The first time I arrived was the most intense feeling.  That I had arrived back in the magic-land that is China.  Riding the subway, smelling that sour-milk dirty air. Shenzhen is a city with lots of green in it, but a bit of a lonely place where everyone is always busy.  The first two weeks I remember just getting a feel for my surroundings and then feeling depressed after the early days of training when my feet and back were killing me.

the occasional trips to coco park coupled with the faint hopes of the future jobs kept things getting better, and thebreakthroughday with the weird guy when i started getting weixin friends out the ass. then i focused more on the shift in work and got depressed when i realized that my chinese isnt doing what id hoped it would do, this job really isnt much at all, the department and the company kind of treat us like shit, make stupid rules such as we cant eat from 8-10, have to wear x clothes in gym, etc.  Today shelly said i could start doing more work shit and take on a real position, lilyanna might have said something i dont know. she also discouraged people from speaking chinese to me....  and chuck speaking english to me makes me rage.right now i have to consider when and where along the way i will switch jobs.  this office is hot af.

Part 2

It's almost been three months. The amount of shit that has happened is overwhelming.  Sore wrists, sore knees, coworkers blowing up, managers lying, sleepless nights, no A/C, friends standing me up at dinner, making girls cry, feeling invisible, multiple thefts, stress from Elaine, disappointment with work, skipping meals, crazybad allergies, and more shit I probably don't want to remember. Throughout the whole process, there was a feeling of never being settled. When can I finally have a moment to rest and retrieve my sanity?

The day spent with <redacted> getting lost and wandering only to find that beautiful boardwalk was a winner.  It reminded me that life in China doesn't have to all be one big shithole.  Another thing that bothers me is not having time to keep in touch with friends.  It makes you feel disconnected and out of balance.

[yathinkbruh]

[11:01:36 PM] Stephen: i had this great talk witha coworker

[11:01:42 PM] Stephen: about our games and how they suck

[11:01:42 PM] Stephen: haha

[11:01:49 PM] Stephen: we have the same outlook on what a game should be

[11:01:58 PM] Stephen: but when i mentioned it to the ceo he was like

[11:02:06 PM] Stephen: our games fill a niche for x gamers who need x

[11:02:18 PM] Stephen: its based on a system that gives them x and x so that they stay and pay money

[11:02:34 PM] Stephen: while at the same time admitting the game wasnt fun

[11:02:39 PM] Stephen: how can you live with yourself...

[11:02:47 PM] Stephen: when thats your outlook

[11:03:19 PM] Stephen: hes like yeah these games suck but its like the hollywood movies, cheap action and quick thrills, and it makes money!

[11:03:29 PM] Stephen: lol

[11:03:47 PM] Stephen: like what about giving people a work of art to enjoy

[11:03:55 PM] Stephen: giving society somethign to appreciate

[11:04:12 PM] Stephen: nah man i fail to see what that has to do with making money!

[11:05:06 PM] Stephen: i cant really explain the details cuz its about games n what not

[11:05:20 PM] Stephen: but basically our games fit hand in glove into the china economic paradigm of

[11:05:29 PM] Stephen: fast and cheap, makes money

[11:05:43 PM] Stephen: at the expense of quality or passion

[11:06:36 PM] Stephen: the games are not fun, but their goal isnt to be fun, its to lure the player into wanting to pay

[11:06:52 PM] Stephen: not any different from selling drugs to me

[11:07:24 PM] Stephen: and their rationale is usually all the other companies do it like this and its proven to work!

[11:07:43 PM] Stephen: we're good at what we do!

[yathinkbruh]

Sometimes I'm afraid I'm gonna lose it.  It happens when I get ignored for 90% of a Chinese conversation until they suddenly say my name and start talking about me.  Then they ask "do you understand what we're saying?" Happens so many times in one day. Then still getting the "omg you can use chopsticks and how long have you studied Chinese" nonstop. No one ever has anything else to say. At times I'm wishing for a Max to be here to say  "Fuck that," "Little shit" etc.   China Rage? Waking up at 7 every day, coming home at 9 or 10, not being able to sleep for two nights in a row, scraping open my toe, Elaine not knowing when to stop (she has no limits when it comes to her uberchinesegirl personality.  No matter how ragged of a mood I'm in, she always have to pout and tease me and try to make me smile.)  I feel exhausted 24/7, got dragged on a 5 hour drive to a shitty tourist beach.  If I'm honest this week has been hell.  The job is cool, but our company's so misguided and locked into its chinese model of mindless soulless quest apps (as opposed to games) that it probably won't ever reach real success.    Having no downtime gets pretty maddening.  Chinese is still frustrating and in my mental state it's harder than usual to get into conversations.

[yathinkbruh]

The interview at the game company, the dinner with the General Manager and HR, the relief at finally leaving this hotel, breaking the news to everyone, telling <redacted> how I felt, Elaine beginning to come on stronger and tell me I looked like hot male anime characters and sharing a delicious Korean lunch with me, not to mention hotpot, and you have another week in Shenzhen.   It's now reached the 5 week mark.  I told HR I'll be leaving for <redacted> in 2 weeks, bringing me to a total of 7 weeks at this hotel.  It won't have been an enjoyable 7 weeks.  When I broke the news, people were surprised and dared ask me why I would want to leave. Let me count the ways: Hot, crowded, suffocating work environment, the feel of uselessness as a so called trainer, no purpose, sitting at my desk sweating with nothing to do, being denied breakfast and often lunch, being constantly opposed and picked on by managers for every little breach, not having a medium to use my Chinese, low morale amongst all employees, the difficulty of true integration into the work unit, the reality that I don't like teaching and don't give a fuck about what I do, delaying signing my contract, HR's decision to replace <redacted> before he was even gone and generally going behind our backs, the annoying feeling of being as a tool for other people to learn English, the disappointing turnout for English corner,  getting stomach problems, and whatever else I can't think of.  Why the fuck would I stay?  They were talking about giving me more responsibility but really I don't see it happening.  I'm the kid in the office who doesn't know what's going on..

Anyway, the game company has a great atmosphere, great coworkers, great attitudes, even if their games are terribad.  They listen eagerly to suggestions.  The studio/office is just sucha  nice place to be, I go over there just for something to do/hang out.  Yesterday didn't go to OCT as planned with Elaine because laduzi got so bad man...was bullshit.  Still need to go to the beach and a lot of other places.  Instead I brought her the shoes she bought me that were too small even as 46. Lol.  Then we ate win korean food.  My Chinese is still shit, feel like she doesn't push me very hard, and says my English voice is sexy.  Well you know what that means, she either really doesn't have a boyfriend or would rather have me replace him.  I thought she was really nice up to now but seeing her like this makes me pull back. It's a WJJ all over again. Told <redacted> I regretted leaving because I never got to spend time with her, it turns out she's just one of those people who's super shy and bad at expressing herself.  I'm the forner who can't communicate for shit, and if she's going to be like that then I don't see it ending well.  Hoping to keep both Elaine and <redacted> at bay so I can stay true to bae!  

Hotpot with Adam the German and his obligatory Chinese gf.  Guy is tall and kinda chubby, eats like a motherfucker, carefree laidback/true forner.  I'm the tryhard to adapt into Chinese society type while he's the dontgiveafucklestspeakEnglishbro generic doingbusinessinChina guy.  Been here 7 times and still only knows basic Chinese. Lul.  The hotpot was fuckin win.  I realize Elaine is pretty good with her makeup.  

Going to the dinner with all the <redacted> staff was pretty lulz since I didn't realize who I was eating with or what we're doing.  Live and learn *****.  Guessing what my salary was supposed to be was hard too. I really hope this company can produce half-decent results.  It kills me to see them getting bashed for fixable problems on youtube vids.  I really hope they don't go under before we have a chance to make some half-decent games.  

I thought I wanted to blog more but Idk what to say at the moment.  It's a lazy sunday.  Wanting to pick up Chinese seriously.  Reading at the bookstore with Elaine was nice.  Bookstores are win.

[yathinkbruh]

Shenwhen Week 5 Today it's Monday.  The day Ivory left.  He told Shelly he didn't like the job and then piled it on with some bullshit about he might need to go back for his family.  Said it was easier than he expected, and he walked without any penalty or bullshit occuring.  

This saturday was a great time.  I went with Elaine to Window of the World.  It was a long, full day of only Chinese, the best I've had since I got here.  Elaine is really fucking nice, even though she arrived late.  She wanted to make sure she brought several bottles of water and fruit juice for us to drink as well as snacks for us to eat lunch so we wouldn't have to pay for overpriced park foods.  Almond chocolate is good shit.  She's one of those super practical Chinese who insist on paying for everything and helping you in any situation.  She was wearing some of those Yes asia style k-pop sweatpants and converse hightops, kind of a funny/goofy/cute type of person.  What amazed me the most is that she only slept a few hours the night before because she had to pick up her German friend at the airport.  He's one of her customers (she's a hair stylist). She didn't give a fuck though, even though I could tell she was tired.  She insisted she was fine and acted all happy and bubbly.  She's the type of person taht can work 60 housr a week and still have a positive attitude, citing the old addage "习惯就好。”   Because apparently no situation is impossible to not adapt to for a Chinese person.  Shitty job in Foxconn factory?  Lawl, xiguan that shit, sucka.  She brought her shitty canon point and shoot and tried to make excuses to take my picture. Window of the World is kind of meh/ghetto/cheap Chinese attempt at fun timez, but the indoor ski area is fucking sick cuz its 30 degrees.

She likes to 撒娇, I mentioned the subway cutting girl incident and refused to explain further so she pouted and said she didnt know me and walked away until I finally told her. Lol.  Times like these I feel I'm being flirted with and it doesn't feel right when she has a boyfriend she plans on marrying.

In the subway she lost her bag in the most mysterious random way possible, apparently having it in her hand one moment and then it disappearing the next as she pulled out her phone.  I waited for like 20 minutes inside the subway gate for her go to the police, cancel credit card etc.  She lost her bag but it was K, she said it totally didn't matter to her.  I tease her that she's a robot only feels happy 24/7 regardless of her situation, which I think is fucking remarkable.  She only lost 100 kuai and she could get another credit card so it was ok to her...From this event got to go to the police station for the second time.  They look at the cameras but it never seems to do any good. Stolen shit here is really getting common isn't it...

This was the second time seeing her, the first time she took me to KLAOK for the "friend's" birthday party, and just watched and laughed at us getting wasted, pouring drinks for us.   Rode back with me in the taxi.  Really had to fight with me to get me to come cuz she seemed really desperate on weixin, so much so that I doubted her sincerity.  And I don't like KLAOK at all (was ina bad mood from boxing out that girl in the subway who i thought was cutting in line). Before, she tried to qing me some frozen yogurt, even though that shit cost 23 kuai/aka way overpriced.  She said it would help me hold my liquor and wanted to delay us going to the ktv so i wouldnt get totally shitfaced drinking with her friends.  She didn't really know any of the people there, she just wanted to introduce me to more friends.

My impression of her is just how the fuck can someone be so nice, man.  Walking around hot all day she says nah I'm not tired, I had a friend with me, it's K. As long as the spirit's not tired the body's not tired.

Window of the World's skate rink and ski slope are dope, got to ride on tubes with fucking flipflops in artificially made snow.  A real experience mayne.  Of course that place costs 180 kuai total, not exactly cheep... What today made me realize is that my Chinese is still trash level.  Elaine tries to talk slowly to me but baby talk just makes you feel more impotent. I gotta do something about this...

[yathinkbruh]

I asked the 校花  to go to 红树林 together.  She's decent looking I guess, but mainly I thought it would be a good chance to get to talk to a new person, have a quality Chinese conversation, get to know her, see what kinda person she is.  After dinner I go to meet her and she asks if she can bring a friend

 im like well thats pretty herpderp but ok boy or girl

[11:14:52 PM] Stephen: boy

[11:14:56 PM] Stephen: im like well as long as its not your bf

[11:15:29 PM] Stephen: because it totally depends on what the friend's like.  maybe it's someone cool and we could have a pleasant walk/talk, the three of us

[11:15:56 PM] Stephen: so i meet her outisde the dorm and the friend's there, some random derpy guy ive never seen before that apparently works at our hotel

[11:16:33 PM] Stephen: mind you i dont know the girl very well either and was hoping this would just be a chance to get to know her

[11:16:50 PM] Stephen: after they introduce me though the guy keeps talking to her about derpy stuff i cant follow

[11:17:02 PM] Stephen: like how he went on vacation or something

[11:17:07 PM] Stephen: and they're chatting back and forth

[11:17:11 PM] Stephen: and im just like ....

[11:17:12 PM] Stephen: k

[11:17:35 PM] Stephen: i was like we could take the bus...lolno they decide that we're walking

[11:17:46 PM] Stephen: was like a 40 min walk btw

[11:18:27 PM] Stephen: in the beginning they said a few things to me, but just a few, like how long have you been in china herpity derp

[11:18:32 PM] Stephen: that's the only one i can remember them saying

[11:18:56 PM] Stephen: and then after 5 mins of them talking to themselves the guy says "he doesnt seem to like to talk" 他不爱说哈吗？“

[11:18:59 PM] Stephen: ............

[11:19:16 PM] Stephen: im like the fuck bro it's like im walking with three strangers what can i say

[11:19:57 PM] Stephen: we continue on, they continue talking to themselves, sometimes in what im not sure is mandarin, possibly dialect shit, im just starting to tune out...

[11:20:28 PM] Stephen: then we come to like a park or some shit, actually a wildlife reserve but i didnt bother reading the sign, then the girl asks me if they have these in america im like...uhh yeah why wouldnt they

[11:20:52 PM] Stephen: then she asks me something to the tune of, are they 活的blahblahblahblah stuff that doesnt ring any bells

[11:20:59 PM] Stephen: im like idk what you just said

[11:21:12 PM] Stephen: 或的什么？

[11:21:20 PM] Stephen: trying to prompt her

[11:21:30 PM] Stephen: 活×

[11:21:39 PM] Stephen: shes like lolwat you don't know 活？ ill look it up for you

[11:21:42 PM] Stephen: im like .....

[11:21:47 PM] Stephen: no response.

[11:22:06 PM] Stephen: shes derping on her fone and we're just walking in silence, im thinking jesus christ this is gay

[11:22:44 PM] Stephen: she cant find it apparently and then shes says its "live" or something like that right?  using the english word, once again im just like >_____<

[11:22:46 PM] Stephen: yeah no fucking shit...

[11:22:53 PM] Stephen: but idk what you just said

[11:23:01 PM] Stephen: anyway after that they gave up

[11:23:16 PM] Stephen: and i walked ahead or behind them whiel whey walked side by side

[11:23:48 PM] Stephen: and if they suddenly asked me a question i wouldnt even be paying attention so it would seem like i was just unable to understand anything, which i guess was partly true

[11:24:36 PM] Stephen: i was pretty much dying the whole way there, such a pain in the ass situation

[11:25:03 PM] Stephen: when we finally got there i was walking behind them and they didn't even bother with me anymore, just pretended i wasnt there

[11:25:06 PM] Stephen: so i fucking walked off

[11:25:23 PM] Stephen: when i was about 20 fet away the guy noticed and was like where you going

[11:25:25 PM] Stephen: and i just left

[11:25:28 PM] Stephen: fuck man

[yathinkbruh]

Today I decided in my mind that living abroad was a magical experience everyone should get to enjoy.  I looked out over shenzhen and thought about how I ended up here, in a world that I didn't belong to and where no one knew me.  While sometimes feeling like an outcast because of this, these reasons are what  make the experience special.  I'm able to view this other world with detachment and objectivity, and at the same time, appreciate its surrealism.  We'll never really get the chance to comprehend our own society if we don't get the chance to arrive in someone else's.  Then we realize what things human life is all about, what people are made of.  Family and friends, work and death, are freshly realized for their emotional weight in this other world.  The inability for things to seem commonplace and mundane, the essence of every new word uncovered and the mystery of exploring the city, are in the deepest fabric of this thorough escape.  Identify is unimportant, the past unimportant, there is only me stuck in some fairy tale land, like the city was drawn in someone's mind but never really existed, like Mario 64 jumping into a painting I arrive in a city of cool shiny stuff and mountains and ocean and green, trim roads.  I am living the life of an anime character in the office wearing his suit and enjoying slices of life.  I am going out on weekends and being touched by the simplicity of daily dreamlike pleasures . I am making memories with you all that defy traditional memory types--creating nodes of nostalgia that feel like reconnecting with my childhood. My work unit is a  living organism, a cafeteria we share together, late nights with the sound of the turned-up-too-loud tv (the way Chinese people like it), the lady at the door, the girl at the counter, always someone doing something and the unstable and beautiful weather, never too sunny.  In the back of my mind this will never be real, but because of that it means so much.

[yathinkbruh]

[7/2/2012 11:57:28 PM] Stephen: went to a 88 jiuba with some chinese friends, guy i met on weixin invited me. we went to some place in luohu which is right next to hongkong, that ***** didnt give me directions so i wandered the streets for 30 minutes until a taxi drivery finally directed me to the right place. had to pay fucking 200 kuai for the table we got, couldnt get in at first cuz they said i was wearing flipflops that werent allowed for dress code. i put on some size 3 chinese converse ripoffs and walked in with half of my foot sticking out like i didnt give a fuck, was k and then changed back to flipflops. drank this delicious juice and whiskey or something blend, could drink that shit all day which we pretty much did, not a lot of alcohol so we probly drank glasses each. the club was fuckin huge, had epic video screens with victoria secret runaway cameos going on along with music videos to the trash top 40 they like to play here. chiense people all stood around at the tables waiting for their friend to arrive. even though its a bar no one actually looks for others to mingle with and instead sticks to their friend circle only. i went around the bar trying to find a girl to coem to our table to drink with us but her guardian guy friend w/e was too jealous and butthurt so he gave me a hand motion to go away..lul. we played dice game a fuckton, for the first hour it was just 3 guys derping in the club looking around like fools. eventually their female friends came but not girlfriends, some randmo hoes who just came and went after playing some drinking games with us. didnt really make sense. i was asking one of the girls if she was having fun why she wanted to come to the bar if they were just going to stand around, shes like im just bored i guess. truth be told no one really dances there or does anything, they just personify awkwardness as they look around trying to make new acquaintances but its ultimlately impossible since they cling to their circle of friends. the employees at this bar were really fun & friendly and danced more than the guests. in the bathroom this guy tried to give me a stick of gum while iw as peeing and then led me around at the end demanding a tip. i gave him 5 kuai for the lulz. i made eye contact multiple times with one of the better looking girls in the club (probably late 20s), most were fugly and it was like 70/30 m/f...but she was with several other friends making it impossible for her to leave them and actually talk to me. i left after 1 cuz i have work tomorrow at 830

[7/2/2012 11:57:47 PM] Stephen: and this place was super chinese

no foreigners and every1 was speaking some trash dialect

including the guy i was with, fucking impossible to understand

he didnt slow down at all

[7/2/2012 11:58:06 PM] Stephen: i might as well have been at the train station

such a cluster

the club was so legit

live singers every half hour

good sound system

girl pretending to dj on the side

weith some beats headphones

chinese djs at these clubs are good

the people who go there are riffraff though

[7/2/2012 11:58:23 PM] Stephen: i was going along at the beginning just to be nice/ thought it would be an adventure to hang out w/ random guy

i was sitting on subway

he looking at me

i was sitting

as soon as seat opens he sits his fat ass next to me

starts talking like hey where you from what you doing in china

so hes this random businessman from dubai who's lonely and comes here a lot to the exhibition center

he has no friends or family

hes kind of awkward and creepy

but i have nothing better to do

 21 hours agoStephen Brownlee

and hes the same, finished for the day

so im like k ill go eat w you

maybe you're just lonely like i was today

i had to go exploring alone cuz no1 would hang out

(got a lot of weixin contacts that way though)

anyway we go to restaurant

hes kind of picky, has zero understanding of china, still kind of weird

we talk about general stuff

eat at a muslim restaurant

lol

he takes forever finding it

when i could have found it..

w/e

we took a taxi there

anyway hes just a fuckup in general and you wonder what hes doing in china

then he says some legitimate stuff about its hard to find true friends in china

every1 just wants money from you

and im like yeah i know that feel bro

so i sort of think maybe he just feeling really down cuz he has no friends

then we leave the restaurant and hes like where to go now

i told him i wanted to explore the city and hes like im tired

need to rest

then wanted to go to a hotel with him

also when we walked he would lead my with his arm awkwardly

he was like we can go back and rest, get a hotel

im like ...

his english is shit

so eventually he mades some super roundabout attempt at giving me a straight request

we just go to hotel herherher

this guy was middle aged and fat

anyway hes like i want to kiss your eyes

creepy motherfucker

messages not sending

then im like the fuck breh

oh before he was like

like what hes looking for

hes like haha just joking

im like uhh...

then hes like you arent gay

im like what the fuck are you even saying breh

lol

ok now no messages are sending

what the fuck

sorry idk how much you saw

anyway before he was like we believe meeting someone is part of gods plan

me meeting you today

god planned that to happen

lul...

k breh

anyway i was looking for an escape

at one point he was gonna get a taxi for us and i started walking in the other direction

waved as i left

he didnt follow

thank god

so i got the fuck out of there

like what hes looking for

me meeting you today

im like uhh...

what the fuck

messages not sending

[7/2/2012 11:58:39 PM] Stephen: hes like haha just joking

then hes like you arent gay

im like what the fuck are you even saying breh

lol

ok now no messages are sending

sorry idk how much you saw

anyway before he was like we believe meeting someone is part of gods plan

oh before he was like

then im like the fuck breh

creepy motherfucker

[7/2/2012 11:58:53 PM] Stephen: we just go to hotel herherher

waved as i left

he didnt follow

at one point he was gonna get a taxi for us and i started walking in the other direction

anyway i was looking for an escape

k breh

this guy was middle aged and fat

creepy motherfucker

then im like the fuck breh

[7/2/2012 11:59:13 PM] Stephen: anyway

as soon as he was out of sight

i ran

lol

and got on the first bus i saw

oh man

but then my roommates was like

awww you shoulda gotten his contact info

im looking for rich guys from dubai

can get a lot of money of them

lol

i gave him my fone #

at the start

we'll see...

he might give up

he complains about being alone but the whole time i was thinking yeah who would want to be with you you creepy fuck

i was feeling very down today cuz unable to find friends to hang out with all weekend

so i felt a little empathy

alright thats pretty much it