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[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF

CHAPTER 16: WOOYOUNG

wc: 5242

warnings: mention of death, violence, drugs etc, SMUT

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***

san

i remembered that wooyoung was afraid. he was scared of what would happen if miss A ever found out he shot mingi and deliberately antagonized a hotshot black dragon. looking back, i thought the black dragons would be anatagonized anyway because we caused shit in their side of town to get yunho back, it shouldnt be this big of a deal.

so why are so many bad things happening?

i didnt go to school today. i emailed all my teachers a forged sick note, claiming i couldnt leave the house because i went to the doctor and got diagnosed with sinisitic dizzy spells. most of my teachers are really helpful and good people, so they sent me the work they did for the day so i wouldnt miss out.

being a 'delight to have in class' aka a quiet smart kid who wasnt a pain in the ass had its perks sometimes. regardless, i used my morning to get all my money ready, of which i had just over enough to go to miss A to get her off my back.

when i get there, the place is crawling with old gangsters. miss A is screaming at people and when she sees me she's shocked, as if surprised i actually had guts to show my face. shes propped behind a round steel table in her garage, leaning back in her chair and the room goes silent as her eyes are on me.

"look who it is," she says to me, dipping her cigarette in her ashtray. "Lucky, you better have good news for me."

i bow to her and put the potato sack of money on the table. unfortunately i didnt have anything really fancy like a briefcase. im a fucking gangster on a budget.

she glares at me. "potatoes? is this some kind of joke?"

three guys restrain me out of nowhere, holding a knife under my throat. my breath gets stuck in my throat and i only manage to force out one thing. "m-money."

she doesnt tell them to let me go, which pisses me off. what the hell did i do to make her this mad? she lifts the opening of the sack and only when she sees the cash does she wave the gangsters to get off of me.

they drop me so hard i fall with my butt on the floor and i make no real move to get up in case they jump me again. instead i get to kneeling. "miss A, that's the money from all the dealings."

"i can see that. oh wow, you actually decided to be useful," miss A says, getting up and coming up to me. she puts her hand down on my hair and gently scratches it like you would a dog and i struggle to not show any fear. "if only wooyoung could be like you."

her words make me sweat. "where is wooyoung, miss A?"

i swear, if she laid a hand on him. i dont know what i would do, but no one here, including me, would be left alive.

her eyes darken. "i was actually hoping you would tell me, Lucky. your brother has become a magician. a cold case."

she doesnt know? did wooyoung actually skip town?

"i told him to bring me the hand of who killed my boys or else i would have his. he hasnt been back in days."

fuck. this is bad. im actually starting to get dizzy.

someone rolls into the garage, and my face drops in horror at the man and his disfigured, burnt face. hes in a wheelchair, an armbrace and has a bandage wrapped over everything but his mouth and eyes.

"you and your buddy got changbin and a lot of good boys killed. look what they did to seonghwa." miss A says.

that's fucking seonghwa? he looks fucked. hes never recovering. he wouldve been better off dead. now he really looks like something out of a horror movie, a real, terrifying disfigured butcher.

"that hongjong motherfucker," miss A laughs but there's nothing joyful in it. "he came into MY warehouse, burnt MY cargo, killed MY men. and all because he was looking for you two."

im struggling to breathe. i dont show it but im silently breaking down. i cant take my eyes off seonghwa. thats it? thats my future? i might as well kill myself. seonghwa killed yunho, he was one of the topdogs in the gang. im fucking nothing. if thats what that hongjoong guy could do to him then its over for me.

"he said that?" is all i can get out. miss A lifts my chin and forces me to look at her.

"you're not a boy anymore, Lucky. you'll always be a baby in my eyes, but its time for you to get serious, dont you think?" she tells me. "wooyoung is gone. so someone has to fix this. you know the rules, you make a mess, and you clean it up."

"miss A-" i start stammering. i feel like im going to cry. "we didnt do anything. we never even met that hongjoong guy. wooyoung shot mingi because he tried to kill him. it was in self defence."

"did i ask for an account of what happened?" miss A's voice drips with sarcasm. "i dont care who did what. but my boys paid the price. i wont let an attack on my turf go unpunished. you find wooyoung and you two will go and kill that fucker or i'll have you swimming in a fishtank with the rest of yunho. am i clear?"

fuck no. fuck my life is over. i just started having sex and now i have to die. this is a fucking nightmare.

"yes, ma'am," i nod my head. "when do you want this done?"

"before my boys suffer another attack. he wants you, so let him come."

"you won't find him," seonghwa says and he sounds like a lays packet trying to talk. his voice is raspy and sounds terrible. "he only shows when he wants to be found. and he wanted to be found that day. so make him come to you."

i dont want him anywhere near me! i want to scream. look at what the fuck he did to you.

i have to run away. i have to do it tonight. i have to take everything. i cant think clearly, my brain is beating so hard i can feel it in my ears.

i nod and get up and miss A distractedly starts counting the money. "so you got the money fast. i always knew you could do it, you were just lazy before, yeah?"

i had help, i want to say. yaera's stealing, her savings, wooyoung stealing all mingi's gambling winnings, fucking jongho. i couldnt have done this on my own. i would have been dead by the end of this month.

i did all that, just to stay alive. only to have another target on my head. this...it never fucking ends. its only going to get worse. i cant win. this game, its unbeatable.

i almost want to laugh out of pure irony. and yaera wanted me to ask miss A for a fixed amount. she wanted to help me pay off my dads bullshit debt. im never going to be free.

my hopes and dreams are gone.

"you still have your dad's gun right?" miss A asks me. i say yes in the smallest voice.

she smiles. "you better get to using it then, Lucky."

i leave miss A's garage with nothing left in the tank. nothing but another assignment. an assignment that will kill me.

im the sacrificial fucking lamb. why is she doing this to me? because she thinks i can do it? because she wants to get rid of me? i did what she asked of me. i got her yunho. i got her the drug money. now she wants me to kill an assassin? an assassin that already has a bodycount of seven?

and hes brutal. four of those were other gangsters, luckily none of those were ours at the time, but he guts every one of his enemies. he was connected to a murder of a prostitute. and cut out the stomachs and sliced off the hands of two guys who apparently looked at his sister.

what the FUCK am i getting into.

i get home and i dont know what to do. everything comes crashing down on me. i throw my fist into the picture frames on the wall, sending glass bursting everywhere. i look at the picture of my parents, feeling nothing but burning hatred. i hate them both. i hate my mother for leaving me behind in this shit life and i fucking hate that bullshit excuse of a sperm donor for killing me.

he killed me. he signed my death sentence.

i start tearing everything apart. im ripping my apartment to shreds because nothing matters. this is all useless, nothing, i wouldnt fucking miss this place. i have nothing but awful memories here. but my anger doesnt last. it comes crashing down so fast that im left to collapse next to my bed and i cant stop myself from crying.

its over for me. everything is.

i had nothing to begin with. nothing except...

without even thinking, my bleeding hand reaches for my phone on my desk and calls her. she picks up on the first ring.

"san?" her voice is comforting and i dont know why. i dont fucking know this girl. she doesnt know me. but shes all i have. and i dont even reall have her. "are you okay? you never call me."

i cant even speak, im heaving into the microphone and sniffling uncontrollably.

"san?" she sounds more concerned. oh shes concerned for me. thats nice. i'll remember how nice it feels when i die.

"c-can you come over, please?"

i dont even recognize my voice. its cracking and its like the pained whimper of an animal. she puts off the phone and i wrap myself around my bedsheets, curling into a pathetic ball.

shes here within 15 minutes. i dont know how she got here so fast. she was supposed to be at school. it was still one period before lunch. she must have been skipping. i wish i skipped more class now that i know im not going to live very long. studying all that shit was pointless. i should have been living like her. like i dont have a care in the world. but i cant. and i never could.

she walks into my apartment with her eyes wide, dropping her blazer off her shoulders and onto my dirty floor. "what the hell happened? are you okay?" she runs and puts herself infront of me.

"did someone break in?" she holds my wet face. i never stopped crying. not once. she looks horrified seeing me this way. i cant imagine how bad i must look. "oh my god."

she hugs me. she hugs me and i grip her so tightly till i feel my lungs tighten. the tears are pouring harder now. im staining her white blouse.

"im going to die," i choke out. "they're going to kill me."

"what?" she gasps. "who?"

i try to speak but i dont stop crying. this is fucking awful. she shushes me and lets me continue, rubbing my hair in the softest way that makes me hope i wont die, just so that i'd experience it more than once.

"im here, dont worry."

of course you are. you're always here. always invading my apartment. always working on my nerves. always in my head since i fucking met you. i wish i didnt take that for granted for as long as i did. if i knew this was all i'd have left.

i dont know what possesses me. i pull away from her, my hands drift up to the buttons of her blouse. im careful so she knows i wont hurt her the way he did. she watches my bleeding knuckles, looking at me with tender eyes. she doesnt stop me. i flick open the first button as she stands above me.

"can i?" i choke out. "this is all i have."

she starts removing her own buttons. "you dont even have to ask," she tells me.

she trusts me so much. if this is all i have left then i dont want to destroy it.

she drops her blouse, revealing her bronze, skin bare skin and black bra. the sun in my blinds isnt doing her justice. i reach behind her and unclip her bra and her boobs spill out right in my face. her skin is warm. shes so warm. she lifts my ugly brown hoodie off my body, trailing her hand down my stomach.

her touch feels like satin. i dont deserve it. she doesnt deserve this.

"i-i dont want to use you as a coping mechanism," i tell her but im talking to a wall. i dont want to but i am. im going to die and all i want to do is fuck her one last time. there isnt enough time in the world.

she kisses me sorely, with way too much emotion for what we really are. two broken, fragile people. we have no business with each other, but she kisses me like i mean something.

"for you, san, i'd let you use me however you want," she whispers against my lips. "as long as its you."

i feel my heart pain. i want to cry again but my dick is hard and i can only focus on two things at once. so i deal with my boner first.

i slide down her thin, pink underwear from under her skirt and it drops to her ankles. she steps out of it and pulls my sweatpants out from under me, immediately sliding herself onto my dick.

she moans softly into my ear and it feels like heaven. shes like heaven wrapped in one complicated woman. she could destroy me. she could ask to end me and i would let her.

i'd rather it be you than anyone else.

i grip her softly and my hands are stinging but i dont care. i feel weak. but somehow with her here, it doesnt hurt as much. shes riding me slowly, its crazy how without any foreplay shes already drenched down there. i guess she does like me a little.

she peppers kisses all over my neck as i hold her up, losing my mind as she slowly sinks and rises onto me. i never fucking liked our stupid school uniform but seeing it on her like this, with her on me, just makes me lose my mind. jongho doesnt fucking know what he missed out on.

"you know i care about you right?" she whispers into my ear. "its about more than just the money. you know that right?"

my lips her are on her chest and i kiss her there slowly. "i know," i mutter. actually i didnt know that. i dont know what the fuck she sees in a dickhead like me.

"good," she says, then pushes me down to my back. she adjusts herself to straddle me properly but i cant watch her struggle to please me. i get back up and flip her under me, pushing her back down gently when she tries to protest.

"but-"

"i want you to feel the way you make me feel," i say. and i never thought i'd ever utter words like that. fuck, no wonder everyone thought i was gay.

i drag my lips down her perfect, sculpted torso and plant them onto her shivering, wet hole. she whimpers weakly as i stick my tongue inside, slowly impaling her with it. i dont care that im taking my time honestly. im going to die, so i might as well make this as long as it can.

i drink up her bitter juices, lapping my tongue across her slit. the moans she lets out are otherworldly, definetely worthy of a noise complaint. i dont mind it. i feel useful for once in my life. i slowly inch a finger into her warm hole, sucking on her pleasure button while im at it. i'd call it her clit, but thats too rough for me.

"san please," she begs. "i want you so bad, just fuck me already."

i stop at her request, getting up and over her. i line myself at her entrance, pushing in slowly. she throws her arms around my neck and the eye contact we have as i just lay there inside her is enough to make me drop it all. i'd drop it all and leave with her, wherever she wanted to go.

her hole feels like home. my dick fits perfectly inside her. its warm and hugs me and i cant get enough of it. i push in and out slowly, taking in her eyes. they havent left mine. her lips are parted in bliss, and i decide to kiss them. she moans into my mouth, and it feels like a fucking spell being casted on me. i accelerate the pace, and the lewd sounds of her squelching and our breaths syncing up are all that can be heard.

it turns around so fast. im fucking into her at a pace thats desperate. like if i fuck her any slower, its going to get taken away from me. everything will. her legs are wrapped around my waist and she clenches on me, as if she doesnt want me to ever leave. i dig my fingers into her skin, holding onto dear life as i feel myself getting closer.

"wait," she breathes. "i wanna do it standing up."

i pause mid stroke. "how?"

"against the wall. lift me."

i go along with it. we get up and she lays with her back against the wall, lifting her leg so i can put it in. i pick her up and she slides onto me perfectly, and this new angle makes my brain go foggy. its so much deeper and tighter, i can feel her soak onto me.

i start ramming into her against the wall and her hair is hanging down her face, making her look like a sexier version of the grudge. she looks utterly lost in it all, and its so enjoyable to watch. i feel like im doing something right seeing her looked so absolutely fucked out.

my legs grow weaker as i hit her walls, feeling myself getting closer to the edge. shes demanding, with her legs wrapped around me she wont stop till ive been emptied.

"you're so fucking perfect," she whisper-whines, and its enough for me to blow. i completely blow inside her and she creams on me at the same time, our juices mixed together like some fucked up smoothie.

i drop her and she doesnt remove her arms from my neck. instead she pulls my body towards her, till we're chest to chest, completely naked amd kisses me harder than she ever has before.

this isnt even because we're fucking. she just wants to do it. and honestly, i needed it so badly.

when she pulls away im left yearning for more. it makes me sick. "thank you," i tell her. "i needed this."

"i know," she says softly. "tell me everything."

***

after i tell yaera everything, we're sitting on the bed beside each other, a painful, weighing silence between us.

"what are you going to do?" she asks, sounding hopeless.

"i have to kill the guy. or miss A's going to kill me."

"the police?" she says but knows immediately it wont work.

"i'd die before miss A sees trial," i laugh emptily. "and i'd go to jail for sure. she has enough on me to make sure i'm wanted."

she's frowning. she's realizing money cant buy my freedom. or my life.

"after you kill that gangster...nothing will be the same," she says. "you'd have blood on your own hands."

i shrug and stare out of my window. "it ends here, yaera. for both of us."

she stands up abruptly and looks like she wants to break into sobs. "no you can't disappear after this. i still need you."

i smile weakly. hearing that makes me feel better. someone will miss me.

"when i'm gone, you can have my apartment. i have some money left over here, maybe you'll be able to get away for good. you'll never deal with that freak again."

she's not happy with my answer. "no, san. i dont want you to go. i dont want you to disappear. cant we catch a one way flight? can't we run? i'll run with you. i promise."

she actually wants to stay with me. when i dont answer yaera bends down infront of me, holding my hands. i cant believe how quickly things turned around. i have so much to lose.

"when you finish your business, we're getting the fuck out of here, okay? promise me. i'll get the tickets, i'll get everything ready. but promise me you'll come back to me."

i cant promise that i'll be alive. i want to, but i dont want to lie to her.

"i cant promise i'll make it back, yaera," i mutter. a tear rolls down her face. "and even if we run away, is this really sustaintable?"

"is what?"

"us?"

she scoffs. "i dont think now is the time to think of what we are. i dont care about defining this relationship, thats not important. all i know is, you're all i have."

"you're all i have too." i whisper.

"thats enough for me. so promise?"

"okay, i promise."

"good, now lets clean up here and pick a place on the map."

yaera and i spend the rest of the afternoon cleaning up my shattered apartment. i take my parents pictures and throw it in the spare room where i dont have to see it. when we're done, yaera makes herself at home and lays down in my bed watching youtube. i get dressed and she switches off her phone when she notices.

"where are you going?"

"remember those gangsters you met the night you followed me? im paying them a visit." i tell her.

"your dad's old gang...are you going to ask them to help you?"

"yeah. i wanna see if they've heard from wooyoung. get help where i can."

"okay. is it cool if i stay over?" she asks. "i dont feel like going home."

she doesnt even have to ask anymore. i say my goodbyes and make my way downtown.

getting into mao's place has always been shady, im surprised there are guys outside the door. they see me and are shocked to see me, letting me in and muttering shit in cantonese under their breaths.

i find mao sitting around a table and gambling and by god, i find wooyoung too.

he freezes when i see him and i have half the mind to beat the shit out of him. this is where hes been the whole fucking time?!

"sannie!" mao yelps with his cigarette dangling off his lips. "look we're finally good enough for him again! i heard you've been visiting everyone BUT me!"

i run across the room and catch wooyoung before he can run. then i pick him up and toss him into the closest wall. "you DICKHEAD!" i scream.

mao's men jump up from their seats and get between us. "woah woah woah!" mao shouts. "no fucking fighting under my roof! take that shit to the alley!"

"what the fuck man?!" wooyoung huffs. "arent you glad im alive?"

"you couldnt pick up a phone? you couldnt call me to let me know?" i snap. "i thought you fucking skipped town!"

"i had to toss my phone!" wooyoung stresses. "miss A is looking for me."

"i KNOW! I KNOW SHES LOOKING FOR YOU BECAUSE ITS BECOME MY PROBLEM, WOO!"

i start laughing hysterically. "we're fucked. we're both fucked because of you and i hope you know that."

wooyoung stands up, dusting himself off. he has a remorseful look on his face. fucking say something coward.

"i tried to keep you out of it," he admits shamefully. "i was gonna get it done."

"you were gonna kill hongjoong by yourself?" i scoff. "you'd be done for before you even do anything!"

"mao gave me a gun," woo says. i look to mao and he shrugs.

"you know about this?" i ask him.

"as long as he doesnt involve me, i dont mind helping out," mao says. "i dont want black dragons on this side of the world, but bae su ji is losing her touch."

"who the fuck is bae suji?" both woo and i ask angrily.

"Miss A."

"you know Miss A's government name?" woo questions. mao shrugs.

"we used to date in high school."

we're getting off track. im still fucking angry, i turn to wooyoung.

"so? let me hear this fucking plan of yours."

"i dont want you involved san. we cant both be dead."

it feels like my veins are going to pop. "she's going to KILL ME if i dont fucking do something about that hongjoogn fucker. he put seonghwa in a wheelchair and killed changbin. shes going to kill me if i dont get involved, woo, so just tell me the fucking plan."

"hongjoong's sister is getting married soon," mao interjects. "woo's gonna wipe him out there."

"and then im going to skip town for real," woo says with a dark look. "mao's arranged for me to go to hong kong. im gonna work for him there."

"you know who was also supposed to go to hongkong?" i laugh darkly. "yunho."

the room falls into uncomfortable silence aside from the sound of dominoes hitting the table.

"i'll be there, woo." i tell him. "im leaving town too."

"where are you going?" both mao and woo asks.

"im leaving with yaera," i answer woo only. mao is confused and wooyoung tells him its my girlfriend.

"you left Flor?" mao is shocked. i sigh remembering that yaera gave mao a fake name when she followed me. i dont dignify him with an answer.

"alright man," woo sounds defeated. "now you know. i didnt wanna keep in touch because i didnt want to make things worse."

"they're already bad, woo. you not telling me changed nothing."

ive calmed down significantly. i feel defeated but at least i know this bastard is alive.

"what about mingi?" i question. "he started this shit in the first place."

"im taking them both out," wooyoung says. "mingi's the groom. hongjoong's walking his sister down the aisle."

how convenient. two birds with one stone. now, how were we going to get out of it alive?

"WE, wooyoung," i correct him. "WE'RE taking them both out."

***

yaera

after i helped san clean up his rampage, i saw something interesting in his spare room.

i stare at the daewoo k5 in my hands, i never realized san was the kind to keep guns. with the way he lives, i guess i shouldnt be surprised. he needs it more than anything.

something dangerous popped into my mind when looking at it. the first thing i thought of was wiping santo off this earth.

wouldnt i be doing a good deed? taking that rapist, pedophile and fucking freak off this planet?

he called me again. from a different number. i never pick up unknown IDs because of him. but i picked up this time, and all i heard was him breathing harshly.

"i dont like being ignored, yaera. it hurts my heart. you dont want to know how i act when im hurt."

i wonder if yasmine found out, and thats how she ended up where she did.

i know he wasnt anywhere near her when she died, but the thought that he touched her the way he touched me...the fact that she enjoyed it. it was driving me insane. i feel myself losing it with every single thought that flashes by me.

i just want to leave. i want san to finish up his business, come out alive and free me from this place.

we decided on soroa, cuba. europe wouldnt be a good place for us to start over in. latin america would be fresh. its going to be better.

i tried to keep busy but my stomach ached for san. with every apartment i looked at, every beach and every municipality i imagined living in, i had a thought of san never seeing it. i feel so fucking helpless.

i cant fix any of this. i never could but ive never felt this cornered before now. if anything happens to him, i know im going to end up in a ward. i cant leave this place without him when he helped me get to this point.

my parents have left me so many missed calls. so have irina and claire. none from anya? thats weird. she always leaves me the most calls.

i decide to call irina back. i havent heard from them aside from drug related business so it'd be nice if she could take my mind off the fuckery thats been taking place. they always have the most interesting things to tell me. vacationing in saint tropez, partying in monaco, i'd love them to tell me about cuba.

irina picks up first ring. "hey girl–"

"you fucking bitch," she snares at me. i jolt up from the bed at her tone.

"hello?" i repeat in confusion.

"anya is DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!"

fire creeps up on my skin. it feels like all my hairs raising.

"w-what?"

"she fucking mixed whatever pill you gave her and she threw up all over herself. we fucking rushed her to hospital and she didnt make it!"

this has to be why my parents called me. oh my god. oh my god anya's dead.

"i dont know what you mean," is the first thing i say. probably not the best thing but its the first thing i could get out. there has to be people around her right now. i cant risk it.

"now you dont know what im talking about?" irina snaps. "you fucking killed her."

"anya has a history of drug abuse, irina. why are you blaming me for this? im sorry for what happened but dont call me with this bullshit ever again."

i quickly put off the phone and start hyperventilating. fuck this is a mess, my parents probably found out. they probably know. if i go home im screwed. i cant go home, they'll keep me there.

how do i stay out of this. i know i cant go to jail, none of them have any proof that i dealt them drugs. not a single shred of evidence. there are the cellphone records, but those calls cant get traced back to me. the phone's too old. i need to stay away from them.

i have to fix this, somehow. i cant unload it on san he has enough on his plate. but it sounds like ive made an enemy out of the closest thing i have to friends. i dont know what to do.

i look at the gun on my lap. i have to finish the story.

***

next chapter

tagslist: @sansonlygf @brown88 @yujispinkhair @mountiiny

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

Hey, how have you been doing? Its been so long since you updated, so i got a bit curious on how you are? I hope im not nagging cus i know how hard it is to write amazing stories such as yours. I hope you get to update soon and take care❤️

Hi! I have been doing very shabby I'm not going to lie, sorry for taking so long to answer 😭 I've been writing consistently but dealing with lots of things like psychosis, mental health and school I'm so sorry guys. I'll try to be consistent from here on out! The story isnt over dw ❤️ I appreciate the concern.

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 15: A FAMILIAR FACE

warnings: smut, unprotected sex (wrap it), mentions of sa, mentions of violence, mentions of stalking, mentions of pedophilia.

wc: 6353

prev chapter

***

yaera

i wake up feeling the sun on my bare boobs. i didnt have a single dream last night, but i remember everything. my face feels stiff and puffy from crying but god, the rest of me feels like i just woke up from paradise.

san's arm is draped over my stomach. i look down at him and he's playing a game on his barely functional phone. i giggle seeing his fingers slide across the cracks and it makes him look up at me.

"oh you're awake. morning," he immediately sits up, taking his arm with him.

"morning," i mumble out and stretch my arms, and san's eyes immediately drift to my boobs. "you should really get a new phone."

san pulls his gaze away as if its a chore and looks down at his destroyed android. strands of his hair fall down his forehead majestically, and i cant help but stare. god every little thing about him turns me on.

"she's still up and running. i'll get a new one when she completely gives up on me."

i snort and sit up. "aren't you loyal? thats cute."

"not loyal, just broke."

i look at the money sprawled out on the floor, remembering how it fell out of my dress when he ripped it off of me. the flashbacks bring a smile to my face.

"not for long you wont be."

"so..." he awkwardly drawls. "last night–"

"we dont have to talk about it."

his face creases in confusion. "i thought you didnt want to pretend like it didnt happen?"

"we dont have to pretend like it didnt happen, but we dont have to talk about it now."

hes shirtless. frankly i know if we talk about what happened now, it'll open up a blackhole of conversations. like what happens next. and what about santo.

"we're gonna talk about it at some point right?" he presses, all serious suddenly. "because theres a lot of things...a lot happened last night. things im worried about."

i try to hide my discomfort with a smile. there are things i can easily talk about. my sister dying, how fucked up i am. but im not a fan of talking about my weak moments. i hate being weak infront of men. i know the position will stay that way after it all.

once they see you like that, weak and helpless, its all they'll ever see. i dont want san to see me like that.

"we'll talk about it. i promise. but what i want to know is...is it going to happen again?"

"is what going to–oh."

san's cheeks start reddening and he rubs the back of his head, exposing his massive bicep. his skin is so pretty. everything–everything is so pretty.

"it can happen again. as long as we dont get too carried away. i dont want to forget what this is really about."

honestly, i didnt hear much after hearing his first sentence. i move toward him and lightly stroke his chest with my fingers and his eyes darken. he clasps my wrist with his fist and i jump in my skin.

"im sorry–"

"are you trying to get fucked?" he asks, making my mouth drop open. but i catch myself quickly and smile.

"would that be so bad?"

"yes."

i pout. "and why is that?"

"because we both know once it happens, its not going to stop."

fuck, thats all i needed to hear. i sit up on my knees and inch closer to him, looking down at his pretty face. i take my other hand and stroke his face, lightly brushing the skin on his lips. he looks hypnotized.

"who says we have to stop, san?" i ask lowly. "we can do whatever the fuck we want."

"you want it now?"

"yes."

"fuck."

san pulls me onto his lap, making me yelp. in a second my thighs are wrapped around him and he starts rubbing circles on my nipples. he starts kissing them hungrily, occassionally grazing them with his teeth and sending shivers down my spine.

my core is pulsing in seconds. i go for his neck, sucking lightly and planting soft kisses all over. he reaches for the drawer in his nightstand and pulls out a condom. i stop midway and raise an eyebrow at him.

"so you're prepared huh?" i giggle. "i thought you were bitchless."

"and i am. i use them to clean my shoes," san mutters.

"wait, before you put that on," i slide back and plant myself between his legs, putting my finger on the band of his boxers. "may i?"

he nods wordlessly, his mouth parted erotically as i pull his dick from his boxers. its rock hard and fills my whole hand, the prettiest blend of pink and purple ive seen.   its warm and pulses in my hands, the veins just bulging out like its starving. fuck.

i lower my mouth onto him, softly sucking the tip first before taking him in fully. his hands immediately go to my hair, his grip gentle as he holds it back. fuck this, im sucking the soul out of this man.

i keep my pace slow and torturous while massaging his rim, fighting a smile when he hisses and grips my hair tighter.

"fuck...why are you so good at this?" he moans, almost in disgust. i harden my lips and quicken my pace, savouring his taste till lines of drool run down my jaw. san lets out unholy whimpers, only making me go harder. i love having him so weak, so helpless from nothing but my mouth. i force him all the way to the back of my throat, occassionally rubbing him up against my palette. his thighs start to shiver and he pulls me off of him, bringing me up to his face.

he kisses me harshly, desperately, like hes trying his best to stop me from going again, his grip only tightening in my hair. i retract from the kiss, wiping the wetness from my jaw.

"why'd you make me stop?" i ask innocently. "was i not doing it well enough?"

"shut up, i know you're smug," he says breathlessly. "you know exactly what you're doing."

my hand is still around his shaft and i start stroking and squeezing. san throws his head back and looks at the ceiling. i give his tip a kitten lick and a shiver goes through him.

"you're so easy," i mock playfully. "all i have to do is use my mouth and you're helpless."

"oh really?" he asks hoarsely, his voice deep and fucking sexy. "lets see how easy you are then."

san grabs me under my arms, making me yelp as he flips me over. he drags my underwear off and tosses it somewhere, not even looking back. san erotically slips his fingers into my mouth, before slowly inching them inside me. a silent gasp falls from my lips and it feels like my body is curving inside out. san starts slowly pumping, my wetness soaking his fingers till they shine in the sun.

he continues laying down hot kisses all over my torso, eventually dragging his warm lips down to my core. without warning he drags his tongue up my slit, making me shiver.

"and im easy?" san mutters smugly. he doesnt even give me a moment to process things before he puts his lips back on me, pumping inside me with his fingers and tongue-fucking me all at once.

"san..." pathetic whimpers are tortured out of me, my hands gripping his hair as i struggle to hold it together.

"mmmm?" he hums against me, practically making out with my hole. "you taste so fucking good."

san's words make me clench my thighs around his head, locking his tongue inside of me. at this point he doesn't care. hes eating like a man that's been starved in a prison camp. my body is hotter than a laptop running minecraft. tight sensations are rippling through my legs and i know im close. but i dont stop him. i hedonistically indulge in everything hes giving me, just because im greedy. i want more.

san abruptly stops, my ever-climbing high hitting a wall. a desperate whine escapes me. "why'd you stop?"

"you're not coming until i've had you," he tells me, coming up to kiss me again. i can taste myself on him and no wonder he was so greedy with it.

san, while his lips are glued to mine, pushes my legs apart and slowly pushes his pulsing dick inside of me.

i feel his warmth through the condom, his girth filling me up and making me shiver. its been so long, its like im a virgin again. he doesnt move, just staring me down as i squeeze onto him. his breathing is heavy, his eyes remote. it looks like hes enjoying himself with just the feeling, but he doesnt know what to do with it.

"you tell me when to stop, okay?" he tells me softly. "you tell me if im hurting you."

if i wasnt so horny i would cry at how sweet he sounds. but unfortunately for him, in this moment in time, i would let choi san do anything to me.

"i want you to tear me apart," i force out.

san doesnt destroy me like i thought he would. instead he goes with slow, deep thrusts that make me feel all of him. his chest is pressed against mine, his breathing rough at my ear as my legs wrap around him. i get drunk on him, the room filling with squelching sounds as his pace grows steadier, still maintaining his depth.

i start to feel his strength on me as he goes harder. im crashing under him, the moans and whimpers forcing out of me embarrassingly loud. i dig my nails into his muscular back, kickstarting a pace that threatens to make me burst. san's hand tightly cups my hip as he goes harder, holding me in place as i take it.

his bed is screeching. i couldnt mutter any words aside from my lewd winces. all i wanted to know was why couldnt this happen sooner. fuck.

"this was what you wanted right?" san whispers to me, finally making eye contact. i know i look so fucked and desperate. "from the beginning?"

"san i-" i gasp as he lifts my knee to my chest, hitting deeper. i toss my head back and san starts kissing my neck, gently nibbling. the sensations are eating at me. i feel it pooling in my stomach. san starts rubbing me and fucking at the same time, and eventually i cream all over his fingers and cock.

but san doesnt stop. i feel like im going to cry out of happiness. he pauses to flip me over on my stomach, arching my ass slightly so he can slip it in from the back. the overstimulation makes me lightheaded but i dont stop him. san pumps himself into me till i feel him laying on my back, breathing hard and going lame. by the time its over, my drool is all over his sheets and my vision is blurry.

"fuck." is all i hear him say. fuck indeed, and fuck we did.

***

i didnt allow for that awkward conversation to happen after. as soon as we were done, i got dressed and made for my way home. san gave me a blank stare when i left, his face trying to convey emotions but failing miserably. when i got home, he texted me and i felt my stomach turn.

sannie: you running away from me?

not from him. but from his questions. and what would come next.

i have issues with intimacy. major issues. i tried working on it, always thinking about it did nothing. all it did was make me realize how undateable i am. because ive never tried to date anyone ive never had a poor soul to inconvenience.

san and i werent a couple, fuck, we werent even exclusive. but i could tell that i was about to become his problem.

i stood in the foyer of my house, barefoot as i debated what i should send back to him.

me: nope, relax. just dealing with family.

he replies almost instantly.

sannie: OK. when can i see you again?

me: relax you horndog. you have one piece and now you're getting greedy

sannie: Don't call me that. i mean so we can take those photos back to my contact. dont you want to know whos been seeing your sister?

my eyes freeze at the message. getting my back blown out completely made me forget about that. even with the money we made off that deal i wasnt even thinking about it.

me: i probably wont be able to do today. monday?

sannie: I'll arrange it.

me: thank you

san leaves me on read after that and i find myself staring at my phone. at his contact. i finally got what i wanted. we slept together, i feel better. but why do i feel...weird.

maybe i wasnt supposed to do it right after santo tried assaulting me. but san was the only thing that made me forget. i didnt even know what i was going to do about him. i wanted to tell someone, anyone. but these people wouldnt care, or do anything about it.

my only choice was to make my money and get the fuck out. i snuck up into my room and put the money i made into my box in the wall and sealed it off again. as i come out of the closet, my mother sits on my bed analysing my entire body.

i jump in my skin. "hey...mama."

she gives me a deep frown. "i thought you said you werent feeling well. but you come back this time?"

"i slept over at a friends house. i took some pills and knocked out for a long time."

"i cant understand whats wrong with you, yaera. are you doing drugs?"

my jaw drops. "what? why would you ask that?"

she shakes her head at me with both pity and disgust. "i cant explain it. but you do not look like yourself. you look ill. please go in the shower and fix yourself."

maybe i look fucked up because i was almost assaulted by your business partner. i want to say it but i hold my tongue. what will she do? what has she ever done to help me?

"its almost her birthday," i tell my mother before she walks out. she pauses at the door and doesnt look at me.

guilt. i hate feeling it. but i'd weaponise it if i had to. its one of my few weapons against my parents that work today. its one of the things that never cease to effect. deep down i know they feel guilty, and it must be about a lot of things because anything silences them off.

"you mean its almost your birthday," my mother mutters. i see her force a smile as she leaves, still never turning back to look me in the eyes.

i go and take out my clothes to wear for the day when my phone suddenly rings. i dont recognize the number. i pick it up reluctantly, pressing the phone to my cheek with my shoulder.

"hello?"

"tesoro?"

i freeze when i hear his voice. my chest starts to stiffen, feeling like the veins and arteries under there are tangling themselves.

"im so sorry for last night. i dont know what came over me...i want you to want it. and im more than willing to wait for you, im sorry tesoro. i will not harm you again..." he says, all in italian.

my phone shivers along with my hand. my voice is clogged in my throat and it feels like the room is spinning.

i pull my voice from the depths, feeling my eyes burning as they threaten to gush. "go fucking kill yourself, santo. die and burn in fucking hell you scum."

i click off the phone and it immediately starts ringing again. i block the number like i blocked all the others and slide down my wall in defeat. im exhausted.

i dont hear from him after that. and when monday comes i've inhaled too much nicotine to care. my hands keep smelling like tobacco and i'll admit, its not the best ive smelled in my life.

i freeze when i see san in the parking lot. i dont know why, it makes sense that he should be there. hes always there. but its so weird now.

apparently im the only one that feels that way. san marches up to me, grabs my arm and pulls me aside a wall like hes trying to hide from someone. i look at him in confusion.

"some weird shit is going on, seriously," he tells me with a low voice. "you wont believe what just happened."

"what happened?" if something weirds san out then it must be weird as fuck.

"jongho," the way san breathes his name is heavy. i immediately tense up.

"is it about the party? did he try to fight you again?"

"no. he offered me money. for the pictures we took from him."

he wants his stalker pictures back. hearing that alone makes me want to taze him in the side of his head, hoping he never wakes up again. but the other part of me thinks smarter.

"what did you say?" i ask him. san looks at me like im crazy.

"i said no obviously. its your sisters pictures," he scowls at me.

i know jongho does anything to get what he wants. "how much money did he offer you?"

san sighs. "a lot. like a load."

"under 10k?"

"yeah, but not far off from it."

i go silent. with the money we made off the drugs and the money wooyoung stole from those other gangsters, san was almost at his target for the drugs he failed to sell.

"yaera, please dont tell me you're thinking of it," san scoffs, shaking his head at me. "those are your sisters pictures. and we still have to ask my contact to develop them to see who the guy in the pictures is."

"we're going today right? give him the pictures when we're done with it." i decide.

san stares at me in disbelief, but i've made up my mind. "i dont want those pictures. they might be of her, but i dont want to see her like that. i dont wanna look at her through his eyes. might as well get money out of it. that way you can pay off your drug debt and we can keep the rest of the rosies to ourselves."

"you know that isnt where it ends, right?" san checks me. "i pay off that debt, Miss A gives me another assignment, and then its the next thing...and another thing after that. this is my life, yaera. i cant just get away from it."

with the way he spoke, it sounded like he was trying to crush my hope. i wasnt aware i had any.

i say nothing and san sighs, leaning back against the wall. "top it all off, i still havent heard from wooyoung. since saturday."

that was ominous. wooyoung took off in such a hurry, the fact that he hasnt let san know anything is unsettling.

"wanna go around to his place then? after we see your contact?" i suggest.

san scrunches his face, i know he doesnt like the idea of me tagging along.

"i think its better if you hang back for that. wooyoung stays with other gangsters. i dont want them seeing you...you already know how that went last time."

ah, yes. our first meeting. what memories.

"we'll find him," i reassure him, but it doesnt look like my words are getting taken to heart. it starts getting awkward just lingering there, and i cant believe that san and i slept together.

we're standing here, just existing. we have no business with each other, none at all. not long ago he wanted nothing to do with me. then we went and did...that.

its going to happen again, i know it. am i wrong for wanting it to happen really soon? sooner than is appropriate?

san clears his throat and gets up from against the wall. "well...see you in bio, marino."

i dont greet back, and instead just offer a quick smile. its like he just read my thoughts.

i end up seeing san at lunch first. i get bored from existing by myself. funny thing is, yeosangs not at school. he must have gotten the shit scared out of him. the jocks that beat up san and wooyoung are also out of the equation, completely avoiding san's existence and steering clear with their bruised faces.

san is at the abandoned stairwell and i plop down next to him on the step. he jumps out of the daze he was in, turning to look at me with surprised eyes.

"hey," he says softly. san being soft?

"why do you sound so delicate?" i tease him. "is it because you saw my boobies?"

san jumps up and hides his face out of embarrassment. "oh my god, did you come here to terrorize me? im not being weird, you're being weird."

"all i did was ask a question," i feign innocence.

san turns around and tries to put on a stern face, but he looks like a tomato. i cant take him seriously. i guess now i can tell my mother that i DID in fact sleep with him.

i get up from my seat and plant myself infront of san, feeling devious. "wanna sneak off into the bathroom?" i test him.

"i dont have condoms here," he tells me. "also really? at school?"

"i dont respect this building," i shrug. "and they have condoms in the girls bathroom. they care about us being safe."

"of course you don't care about this school, you can drop out and you'll be fine," san says. "i, however, could get expelled and my life would be over."

agh. now hes just making me feel guilty. i want to tell him to forget about it, but san picks up his bag and heads down the stairs. he stops at the last step and looks up expectantly. "well, are you coming or what?" he snaps.

fuck this guy. i fight the smile as i get my bag off the ground and follow after him.

***

we sneak into the girls bathroom, with me going in first to check if its clear. when him done, i calls him in and i slip into the last stall. san follows behind me, locking the door.

we throw our bags down on the floor, a brief pause between us where we just stare at each other. san's eyes immediately drift to my lips and he leans in slowly, making the softest contact.

its soft and delicate, and of course i turn it into something animalistic. he gives me fluttery kisses and i take in more and more till im completely devouring his face. his body presses me against the wall, and san's hand reaches up under my skirt and gives one hard tug to my underwear.

it drops to my ankles, and so does he. san sits on his knees, lifts my skirt and drags his tongue up my slit. i shiver at his hot mouth, immediately spreading my legs like a whore. he gives me warm kitten licks that quickly turn into him sucking on my hole. i throw my head back and stare at the ceiling, feeling my soul slowly leaving my body. this is fucking it. this is the closest to heaven im ever gonna get.

the motion is rhythmic and neat and its not too long before my legs start feeling weak. san backs up and sits down on the toilet seat, unbuckling his pants. i hover over him and he pulls me by my tie, making me plop down on his lap just so he can make out with me again.

san grips my hair as he kisses my lips, and i can taste myself all over his tongue. i lift myself slightly so i can pull down his pants, and i slide myself across his throbbing boner. i moan into his mouth at how warm it feels against me, then slowly inch myself onto it.

san abruptly stops, a pained look on his face. "wait...i didnt put the condom on." he whispers.

"lets do it like this, just this once," i say, then plant a kiss on his lips. "come on, you know how it feels with one...why dont you see how it feels without it?"

san tosses his head back in sexual agony and i know i've got him. "you're bad news, marino. really."

san plants his hands into my ass when i start moving, his eyes squeezing shut as i clench on him everytime he thrusts inside me. i grip the sides of the bathroom wall, looking down at him like a god as i sink and rise on him slowly. i can feel every inch of him, our combined heat and throbbing causing the inside of my thighs to be a sloppy mess. when i move too slow for his liking, san bucks his hips into me, making me gasp emptily.

he feels so fucking good. and im not even ovulating. i struggle to hold back my helpless whimpering and san is forced to cover my mouth as his cock rams into me harder with each blow. san widens his leg so i sink down deeper with each thrust, putting his hand out on my clit to rub small, quick circles over it. everything is fast and messy and rushed, making me lose all sense of being. with stimulation coming in at all sides, it feels like im going to burst apart.

he fucks into me at a pace that makes me want to cry and all i can do is place my head against his chest, hopelessly taking it all. someone walking into the bathroom makes san pause mid-stroke, and the person hangs around for an infuriating period of time. they're not even using the bathroom, but its enough to take the energy out of san.

when the person leaves, he gives me a few lazy pumps that feel tame compared to the way he was aggressively slamming into me. i lean in to kiss him one last time, leisurely parting my mouth with his before i finally get off and slip him out of me.

"thanks for reading that i dont wanna take the risk. we can continue this another time," san whispers, pulling himself and his clothes together. i adjust his school tie and shirt, it has massive creases on it from me gripping onto him.

i smile as i fix myself as well. "you wanna continue later on, you say? looks like someone cant get enough of me," i smirk, and san gives me a subtle smile that says more than it needs to.

i know i shouldnt be surprised that san likes fucking me, because after all, hes still a man. its more of a compliment because its him and ive been dying to get in his pants since day one, and i wanted more than just to be in his drug pockets.

i go out and make sure the coast is clear for san to slip out of the bathroom undetected, thereafter i go pee and reapply my make up in the mirror.

***

san

the past few days have not been real at all. apparently im the kind of guy that just fucks in public bathrooms now. i know my mother would probably get a heart attack if she were here.

why am i acting like an animal? i feel disgusting. i AM disgusting. especially because i would definetely do it again.

this time it feels different. maybe because i get to choose the girl and it isnt some random woman Miss A throws at me. i cant rationalize it in my head, knowing that its yaera.

i swear, it wasnt too long ago that i wanted to punt her into the sun for blackmailing me. i think ive gone soft. yet somehow my dick hasnt. she got off me just in time, but my boner still hasnt subsided. its embarrassing and i constantly have to readjust. it barely goes away throughout the day because i keep having flashbacks to her gripping onto me and it drives me insane.

i almost forget about everything else. i remember to call wooyoung again and he doesnt answer. it makes me horrifically worried. hes never gone this long without calling me. i hope he hasnt gotten himself into more bullshit.

when the day ends, yaera and i take the bus to my apartment, where we walk to ningning's tattoo shop after.

yaera is visibly disgusted by the slums but tries to appear nonchalant. she stares too long at the homeless people, she narrows her eyes at the weird grafitti on the walls and absentmindedly holds onto my bicep when we walk. now that i know what she's running from, i dont question why she willingly puts herself in these situations. what she's running from is so much worse. its an internal hell.

the fact that she still hasnt spoken about it bothers me but i dont want to force things. but it would settle me on the inside to know how she feels in general. aside from sex, she's extremely emotionally closed off.

ningning opens the shop after we knock and yaera's eyes go wide when we step inside. ningning shoots me a shocked glance when she sees yaera. "wow, san, a girl? i thought you were gay. or are you just doing me a service by promoting the shop?" she says, making yaera suppress a snort.

i scowl. "you know those pictures you analyzed for me last time? i need one or two developed."

"alright. im ningning, by the way, and you are?" she ignores me and smiles at yaera.

yaera turns to me, checking if she can introduce herself. i nod. "im yaera. cool shop by the way. and sick tattoos."

"thank you!" ningning gushes as we start to walk. "you have any? or do you want any?"

"i'd like a dragon on my back."

"a dragon? wow, that's hot. does it mean anything?"

"it means i get to look hot during sex."

ningning and yaera start giggling and socially exclude me by talking about random things. i check my phone compulsively to see if i got anything from wooyoung but shit is still radiosilent.

"ningning, have you heard from wooyoung lately?" i ask her when we get down in the basement.

"no i havent...but shouldnt you know where he is?" ningning frowns at me, then plops down at her computer. "you know, i thought you'd go into hiding with some of the stuff thats happened recently. its not safe out anymore."

"what do you mean not safe anymore?"

ningning gasps. "you dont know?"

"obviously not, why else would i ask?"

ningning turns slowly in her spinning chair, giving me a dark look. "word on the street is that one of the worst black dragon got out of jail. and he's gonna make shit worse for the 105ths. after he got out of jail, a warehouse at the port got set on fire and a bunch of people died."

i feel the heat leaving my skin all at once. now i know i have to go see Miss A. but i cant go empty handed. i know what this is about and thats the worst thing. if wooyoung's fate is being debated in that garage, i need to at least have all her money to soothe the situation.

"maybe thats why wooyoung isnt calling," ningning offered, but her voice was awkward. "they probably need him to retaliate."

"he'd tell me," i told her, but i wasnt so sure about that. wooyoung could be handling this all by himself because he feels responsible.

i stop talking about it because i feel immensely unsettled. yaera gently rubs my arm and stands close to me, making me feel somewhat comforted. i cant hide how i feel on my face right now and i know it. more black dragon drama, fuck. like i need a gang war in my last year.

"now you just turn up the exposure..." ningning muttered, the picture of yaera's sister and the mystery guy was on the screen and it suddenly brightened. yaera's hand drops from my arm when she sees the man's face.

"im so fucking dumb," she whispers.

i immediately go to hug her. she puts her head in my chest and squeezes me tightly, as if holding me will stop her from bursting into tears.

"you're not stupid." i tell her. "if he could do that to you...who knows what he did to her?"

ningning blinks between the two of us in confusion. "is everything okay?"

"please get those printed, ningning," i tell her. "we're taking it to the police."

yaera shakes her head and pulls away. "no, we can't. it wont do anything."

"what do you mean? we know santo's been grooming your sister now and he probably killed her too!"

yaera squeezes her eyes shut and starts trembling. "it couldnt have been him because he was in Italy at the time. he was having a very public show. i cant believe its him, i feel so stupid. of course he didnt leave her alone. hes probably the reason she could never be with jongho. she was in LOVE with him. this is why i felt like i couldnt tell her he tried touching me...she was too fond of him."

yaera starts taking hard gulps and i think its time to go. i take out my wallet and give ningning her money and she hurriedly goes to print the pictures. yaera paces around the room and starts shaking her hands and i cant tell if she wants to cry or punch the wall.

"shes the reason he projected everything onto me," she mutters, sounding spiteful. "she LOVED that son of a bitch."

"you dont know that, yaera," i tell her. "your sister was a kid too. and you dont know when she started seeing him."

yaera stops and stares at the wall hauntingly. "i do. it had to be after i stopped being a model. after he touched me i dropped everything. then she started doing it and its like she wasnt the same. he went for her after he ruined me."

ningning returns with the printed pictures and i take them instead of yaera. i pull her out of ningning's shop with me and ningning shoots me a worried look. i cant believe we have to go see jongho after this. as if the night isnt bad enough.

when i get into the van, shes silent. shes staring ahead with an emotionless look on her face. i dont start driving immediately, reaching out for her arm instead.

"hey. i know this is heavy but now you have a reason to never go back. you can tell your parents, you have proof."

silence.

"do you still wanna go see jongho? i think you should go home, yae."

"no. lets get your money."

i sigh and start the van, and the drive is cold and quiet. i try to turn on some music but it reminds me of wooyoung and that makes me worry about him even more so i turn the whole radio off. we stop infront of jongho's house and i dont feel like going up his creepy vampire mansion so i make no move to get out. after a few minutes of standing he eventually comes running up to the car window in a navy gown and slippers with a folder to his side.

"if anything is missing in this, i'll send guards to come collect my funds." jongho says. he pauses for a second when he sees yaera in the passenger, she doesnt look at him once.

i give him back his file full of creepy pictures and his camera, having deleted none of whats on it. luckily yaera and i both transfered everything to spare usbs. just in case.

jongho passes me the folder and i hand it to yaera, who immediately starts counting the money. she nods, giving me the heads up that everything is there.

"i have a question for you," i tell jongho. he scowls at me like he doesnt have time for this but makes no budge to move.

"did you and yeosang attack me at the port?"

"what?" jongho scoffs. "why would we be anywhere near there? and why would we attack you?"

"because you've attacked me before."

"that's because you didnt know your place. you took what was mine and you were depriving yeosang from his hobbies."

so it wasnt them. that makes things worse, because i hoped it would be. jongho had no reason to lie now.

i roll up the window and jongho leaves back through his fancy gates. i stay parked for a few minutes, comprehending how fucked up this could get.

i pull out my phone and open the latest news. ive always had to do this to make sure none of the shit i did for Miss A made it into the papers.

but this is big. it doesnt even take me long to find it. with his big time lawyer, black dragon member hongjoong is out of jail due to half the evidence they had against him being inadmissable. now hes roaming the streets, after being suspected of seven murders.

i look at the date. hes been out since wooyoung and i got yunho killed.

***

NEXT CHAPTER

A/N: This reveal HAD TO BE OBVIOUSSS SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG TO UPDATE GUYS IVE BEEN FCKING GOIJG THROUGH IT MY LIFE IS HORRIBLE RN BUT HERES THE CHAPTER HOPE U GUYS LIKE IT..ILYYY THANK YOU FOR EVERYONE THATS BEEN SUPPORTING THE STORY. OH AND FREE PALESTINE 🇵🇸

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 14: I CANT STAND THIS ANYMORE

wc: 6054

tags: violence, attempted s/a, smut, angst, drugs

a/n: this chapter might be triggering for some people, read at your own risk.

prev chapter

yaera

i havent been to one of these events since i was fifteen. that doesnt sound like a long time, but considering my sister was still alive then, it certainly felt like forever had passed.

the dress i was given is pretty at least. its black, has long sleeves and looks like it was designed for a sexy vampire. one good thing came out of this shitfest.

but the best part is, i can hide san's drugs within my outfit. im not stashing them in matching black purse because it'll get searched, but the tiny ziplock bags fit perfectly in my sleeves and boob area. this will truly be the riskiest thing ive ever done.

irina and the others even messaged me not to forget the stuff. im so focused on just getting that money the fear i had buried inside me hasnt completely resurfaced yet.

im staring at myself in the mirror, looking at my smokey eye make up. the black hair dye really gave me a morbid yet sexy aesthetic that im not bad about. if i could describe myself in two words, it would be exactly that, morbid and sexy.

the sexy part is what bothers me. i know there are people who would agree all too willingly with that. and its not my target audience.

my room door swings open and my mother walks in. theres a strange look on her face as she takes me in. we say nothing to each other for a few moments till she breaks the silence.

"bellisima," she says, almost under her breath. "we can really never go wrong with santo. he made you look like a princess, even if you look like you are going to a funeral."

my insides squirm at the mention of his name. i tried to ignore it, but the fear i felt in that bathroom is coming back full swing. im seeing him tonight. he'll be waiting for me.

"please don't do this again this year," i stiffly begged. "you need to find someone your own age Santo. I'm...I'm not the one."

santo cocks his head to the side and smirks. "and who told you that? who said you're not perfect for me?"

"i don't fucking want you," I hissed. his eyes widen slightly, more out of sick arousal instead of offense.

he advanced on me and i blinked, finding myself pressed against a stall. i whimpered and tried to wriggle out of his grip, but my arms were pinned to the side. oh my God, I'm going to be sick.

"but I want you, and you know that. so why don't you stop playing games," he whispered dangerously close to my ear. i shivered and my nausea kept tugging at my stomach.

"i'm your only chance at a respectable man. your parents already love me. so why don't you accept the love I have for you? you'll never find anyone like me, tesoro."

"i fucking hope so," i whispered, pinching my eyes closed. he moved his face infront of mine, hovering his lips over mine. I whined and wriggle, but he isn't fazed by my struggling.

"you're a big girl now, right?" he said lowly. "i think it's time you feel like a woman."

i snap out of that awful memory when my mother clicks her fingers infront of my face. "come on, hurry up! we are only waiting on you!"

i cant leave san's side tonight. no matter what.

when i get downstairs, my nearly feel the breath getting knocked out of me. he's standing there, looking more handsome than i've ever seen him. black hair slicked back, eyebrows done. the suit is sitting perfectly. its like he's the model here and not me. god i think im going to be sick.

he gives me a small smile but says nothing.

"doesn't she look perfect, amore mio?" my mother says to my father, who only gives an awkward smile of acknowledgement.

"the two of you can sit at the back of the limo. your mother and i will take the two front seats," my father says, then turns to san with a pointed finger. "dont get any ideas, boy. i know your headmaster personally."

san awkwardly laughs. "i would never, sir."

i try not to wonder how true that is. we pile into the limo and my parents keep looking at us through the rearview, making sure there's a significant gap between us. i look over to him and all the anger i felt before is just gone. i think im fucking whipped.

hes the most beautiful man ive ever seen.

"san..."

"you look really pretty," he tells me before i can say anything. saying that with the most expressionless face makes my face drop.

"oh-"

"i just wanted to say that. you really do."

i dont know what to say. the limo is dim so i dont know if he can see how flushed i feel. he leans forward and i think hes about to kiss me. i hope for it. i dont even care if my parents are nearby.

"where are you hiding the stuff?" he whispers. oh right, his drugs.

i show him my sleeves, how the pills are pressed finely between the folds. then i point to my bust. "others are in here," i say.

he chuckles lowly. "creative. you can give me some if you need more space."

if san gets caught with this my parents would end him. everything he worked to achieve would be gone in less than 2 days.

"i think i should keep it. just in case anything happens. you know, rich girl immunity."

san nods and leans back away from me, making me feel empty. "of course."

no words are exchanged between us for a few moments. so we're really going to pretend like the party didnt happen? did that mean it was never going to happen ever again. i dont want to sound desperate but my head is screeching for answers.

but i focus on what matters tonight. putting on a show. getting irina and the others their drugs and collecting payment. and most of all, escaping santo.

"san, can you do me a favour?" i ask.

he hesitates but nods anyway.

"dont leave my side tonight. please."

he rubs the back of his head nervously. "well, i am your date. and i dont know anyone else here."

god. he doesnt realize how bad i need him.thats the thing, i need him more than he needs me. i can never delete what i have on him. i never know when this will go sideways.

the party is at some hotel. when we get there, i can tell the reception is intimidating to san. the cameras, the flashing lights. the security. i grab his hand and he doesnt protest as we go inside. both of us get patted down by security guards, of course the drugs go undetected.

we go inside and the dinner set up is fancy as fuck. i look at san and i cant tell if hes forcing the coolness to not have a panic attack, but his face is blank. i spot irina and the others at a table and wave, my mother dragging us to a separate table with our name on it.

theres a stage with a massive projection screen, where a slideshow of the lingerie collection plays. i know at some point the pictures from the shoot will play out as well. im hoping to sneak off before then because i cant handle the embarrassment.

"so this is your life huh," san mutters next to me. i frown, his tone sounds disappointed.

"whats wrong?" i ask.

"nothing. just...i cant believe it sometimes."

hes been acting so weird. is he insecure? fuck i.dont even know where to start placing questions. my stomach sinks a little at his tone. i guess he'll never get it. he doesnt understand what im really running from. i doubt he ever will. that class disconnect will keep beating our ass.

to him, anything is better than being in a gang. i guess hes right. but that doesnt mean there arent things out there that would make you want to kill yourself. i would know.

santo walks out on the stage and everyone starts clapping like this is the oscars. "good evening everyone, buenos noches, buonasera, and everything else! welcome to the launch of the new Cosa Pericolosa brand. a brand distinct for its dangerous yet delicate beauty, made of the finest Italian lace and silk. i want to thank everyone for coming to celebrate and enjoy this milestone. there will be dancing and there will be a party, saluto!"

as soon as he gets off that stage, i see his face find my parents table. hes coming straight for us. i instantly grab san's hand under the table. he turns to me utterly confused, but i cant deal with that right now.

"mi famiglia!" santo loudly says and kisses my parents on the cheek. he gets to me and does the same, his kiss lingering on me longer than i wanted. i suppress a shiver. "tesoro, you look beautiful in the dress i picked! im so glad to see everyone here!"

"we could not have done it without you, santo!" my mother gushes. "you look so handsome!"

"ah, you are making me shy. it is really you people who are stealing the show, wait till you see how the pictures turned out!" he laughs obnoxiously, turning to smile at me.

"im so glad you are here, tesoro. it is good to finally have you back. your sister would be proud of you."

"thank you, santo." i force a smile. when really i want to scream. dont fucking bring her up, i want to scream it. but i force a stupid, docile smile. fuck if this night goes on for any longer, i might end up doing these drugs myself.

"hold on, who is this," santo finally acknowledges san. he holds out his hand to him. "i am santo falcone. but you can call me santo, you are?"

"that is yaera's date," my mother chimes in as san awkwardly takes his hand. "san choi. he is a classmate."

"oh," santo's smile tightens and he glances at me. "just a classmate?"

my father forces a laugh. "of course. do you know me? she can meet someone when it is time to get married."

santo grips san's hand for an uncomfortable amount of time till he ends up needing to rip it away. "nice to meet you, san choi. excuse me, i will return to you all. i have to greet the other guests and then have them run the music. you all enjoy the night."

he leaves, giving me a weird look before going. is he fucking jealous? does he seriously think he owns me? i dont know how my sister worked with him. hes so fucking creepy and somehow that never came up between us.

irina and the others arrive at our table next, greeting my parents with hugs and kisses. "can we steal yaera for a second? she looks so gorgeous!" claire says, gushing.

"no really, i want to rip that dress off you!" anya says. my mother rolls her eyes and laughs.

"please girls, bring her back in one piece for the show." my mother says. a smirk i know to be devious grows on irina's lips.

"oh we will, dont worry, mrs marino."

im so happy to get up from that table. san grabs my dress and looks up like a lost kid. "where are you going? dont leave me by myself here," he says under his breath.

awww hes so awkward. "ill be right back. dont miss me too much."

his eyes are desperate and his smile is so forced its hilarious. "youre really going to leave me with your parents?"

"dont worry she'll be back!" anya tells him, noticing him holding my dress. "your boyfriend is so clingy, yaera."

i can tell san is trying not to murder her with his glare. not more can be said because im whisked away. we end up in the bathrooms that look like something out of the louvre. anya and claire start taking mirror selfies while irina starts putting the money down on the sink.

"all of it is here, you can count it yourself. now where are the stuff?" she says. i start unrolling my sleeves, taking four of the bags out, getting the other five from my boobs.

anya and claire quickly come scrambling. "oh god, finally!" claire says. "we've been waiting so long."

"is it really that good?" i wonder, their relief is crazy to see. "better than what you already do?"

"alone its okay. but together with what we already do? a fucking trip to the skies," irina shakes her head with a smile. "ive never been so glad to know you, marino."

mixing drugs. that doesnt sound smart. but what do i know? im not the addict.

i smile and take the money, folding it back into my boobs. "youre welcome. and you know if you need more, where to call me."

"of course. and you better answer."

"your boyfriend is so fucking hot yaera," anya says with a sigh. "hes literally gorgeous. where did you find him?"

"careful, you cougar. you cant be talking about an 18 year old like that," i joke.

"im not even twenty three shut the fuck up!" she shoves at my shoulder.

"so he is your boyfriend?" claire smiles. the three of them coo like children when i start blushing.

"im getting there guys," i say. "hopefully soon."

"what do his parents do? he looks like a model himself." claire says.

"you know this is yaera, hes probably crazy as fuck. like the last one, what was his name?" irina chimes in with a snort. "i bet this one is the reason she has drugs in the first place."

i scowl at her. shes right but i hate that she read me so easily. "bitch, just enjoy my services. goddamn it you people are nosy."

she raises an eyebrow. "am i right though?"

i roll my eyes and start to leave, saluting on my way out. "im getting back now to my date now, goodbye ladies."

luckily when i get out, theres music playing and people are on the floor. san is sitting alone by the table, taking random sips out of a champagne glass. im so excited. i actually got money back for us. i throw my hands onto his shoulders and smile widely, unable to hold my excitement.

"so guess who collected their first payment?"

san's eyes widen. "all the money there?"

"every last note. so i think to celebrate we should dance."

san frowns and cringes. "i dont dance. im fine here."

i roll my eyes and grab his hand, pulling him up with a hard tug. "is it a sin for you to do ANYTHING fun? the music is playing and we have something to celebrate, come on."

he sighs and gives in with a lame smile. "fine."

i lead him to the dancefloor, swinging my arms around his neck. san's hands drop to my lowerback as we sway and i cant ignore the happiness bubbling in my brain. i cant stop smiling.

"you seem really happy," he notes. "you're getting a big head from your first payment huh?"

"of course. its just what i needed to prove myself to you. that i can pull my weight and that im not just some liability."

"i never said that-"

"yes you did san. many times." i remind him, and his cheeks flush from.embarrassment. "i can even quote you on it if you want?"

"please dont," he chuckles under his breath. "fine, i guess you can pull your weight."

his dimples are piercing through. i stare at him mesmerized and i cant even hide it. i bet if i was a cartoon in this very moment, i'd be having stars in my eyes.

"you're perfect, you know that?" i say without thinking.

san's eyes widen, then darken in seconds. "what?" his voice is just barely together.

"i want to kiss you again," i admit. "i think its all i'll want for a really long time."

i lightly stroke his cheeks, seeing them go rosey. this is all i have. the only thing that shows me that i do affect him.

his eyes dart down to my lips and i shrink the distance between us, till we're just barely a centimeter apart.

"i dont want you to think about it," i tell him. "just do whatever you want in the moment. thats all that matters."

"yaera..." he gulps, then takes a step back. "i-i dont know about this. lets just...this isnt good. for either of us."

"says who?" i scoff.

"says me. you and i should just stay business partners. strictly business. anything else wont end well for either of us."

hearing that makes my heart shatter and my stomach drop. fuck i can feel my eyes filling with water. i try to choke.it down but i know its obvious.

"so you're just gonna.pretend we never kissed at that party?" i lay down my arms from his neck. "youre just going to pretend that never happened?"

san stops dancing and gives me a curt nod. "i think its best we do. we both know i just represent something to you. something forbidden. thats why you want me right? because im someone you cant have."

i laugh bitterly. "i cant fucking believe you."

i feel a tear drop. san sees it and frowns. "yaera wait-"

i swat his hands away from me. "you are such a fucking dick."

i get off the dancefloor and run somewhere. i dont know where. im just walking, looking for a place to break down and sob. god this is so embarrassing. im so fucking pathetic.

i stop infront of a random room and twist the door handle. its unlocked, thank god. i go inside and fall onto the bed, my chest instantly getting wrecked. i start sobbing horrifically, unable to believe how awful i feel right now.

whats wrong with me. what is legitimately wrong with me. why was he so cold? am i not pretty enough for him or something? this cant just be about the business. i refuse to believe it. and even if it is, why do i feel so worthless?

everytime jongho has rejected me and made me feel like nothing but a stupid slut flashes infront of me. the feeling stabs me like a knife.

that must be it. thats probably what he sees me as. a stupid, desperate evil slut. all i do is throw myself at him. even at that party, i couldnt wait to be all over him. im pathetic. and desperate. i should just die.

my gloves are soaked. i cant believe how much im crying. maybe i should go back to therapy. maybe i wasnt coping as well as i thought i was.

i look up into the mirror stand, seeing my make up absolutely ruined. my entire face is red, and my hair is sticking to my soaked cheeks. i look like shit.

suddenly i remember why i stayed away from men in the first place. because im too fucking sensitive. my mood depends on them. my self worth is a reflection of how much they like me. they control whether i feel emotional highs and emotional lows.

i start laughing at myself. i cant believe i got myself into this kind of fuckery again.

the door opens suddenly, making me jolt. santo comes in and closes the door behind him, smiling tightly. i jerk up and start stumbling back, backing myself into a wall to be far away from him.

"what are you doing here?" i ask, my voice shaking.

"i saw you dancing with that...child," he slowly laughs, his tone sounding bitter. "you have no business being with someone like him, tesoro."

"santo-"

"do you know how fucking sick i felt?" he snaps, stalking like a dangerous animal. "seeing you with him? while you wear the dress i picked out for you?"

being alone was a mistake. i try to dart for the door but he grabs me and picks me up, covering my mouth with his hand. he throws me onto the bed, forcing his bodyweight on top of me. im frozen, i cant move. every karate class ive taken, all my knowledge on hurting someone just vanishes. hes on top of me and i cant move.

im sobbing again. he presses his finger to my lip, hushing me.

"i should be the only one who takes this dress off you tonight," he whispers. he starts lowering the top, leaving the top of my chest exposed. "dont cry, tesoro, you'll feel so much better after. ive been waiting for this for so long..."

"no please, santo," i beg through my tears. "please just leave me alone. please just-"

theres a few knocks on the door. "yaera, is that you? can i come in?"

that's san's voice. santo clamps his palm over my lips again and i scream.through them. its muffled. i start struggling and kicking but he wont get off me. he forces his hand harder. "fucking stop," he growls at me.

the door swings open anyway. san barges in and santo quickly jumps off me, suddenly on the other side of the room. san looks between us, frozen in his feet.

"what, did anyone say you could fucking come in?" santo screams. san stays staring between us, his face absolutely blank. santo scoffs and adjusts his suit jacket before storming out and slamming the door.

i sit up on the bed, looking at san through blurry eyes. i cant even find my voice. i cant even deal with what just happened.

"did he try..." san trails off, shaking his head at me. he rushes to sit down next to me. i cant help it, as soon as he wraps his arms around me i start bawling again.

"i cant fucking breathe. san please i just want to get away from here. please can we just leave."

he softly rubs the side of my head as he holds my face in his chest. "lets go. we'll go away from here. far away from.here. anywhere."

***

san

i dont even know where to start.

yaera and i ordered an uber from the hotel, disappearing with the permission of her father, saying she felt sick and she needed to go home. they werent happy but yaera's distraught face convinced them. they have no idea what the fuck happened tonight. they were sitting with that same guy that night.

hell, i dont even know what happened. but i could put two and two together.

yaera and i havent said a word to each other. shes passed out on my chest all the way to my apartment. i have to carry her on the way in. i have to put her down on her feet when its time to go into my apartment, and she hangs on my arm the entire time.

"you sure you fine with this?" i ask her. she nods wordlessly.

i let her inside, and she makes her way to my bed where she falls hopelessly. i go and sit down beside her, not knowing what to say. i dont know any words that can fix what happened tonight.

i know so much about her, but tonight...it made me realize i know nothing.

"this isnt the first time it happened," she says, her voice low and defeated. "the first time he did it...i was fifteen. he touched the inside of my thigh in a dressing room and kept trying it till i never went back. i never told my parents...or my sister."

i dont say anything. i let her speak.

"he told me he would never let me go. that he was in love with me. he tried so many times. at my own house. and everytime i would end up in the hospital...my parents would blame me. they would say that i was acting out. i didnt know how to tell them. they treated santo better me and my sister. hes a saint to them."

i feel my head heating up. a rich prick predator piece of shit. he deserves to disappear. he deserves to fucking rot.

i bet miss A could make a bastard like him disappear really quickly.

i take her hand and gently rub my thumb over her knuckles. i feel terrible. the only reason he was able to follow her was because of me.

"so thats why you asked me to not leave your side," i realized. "so you wouldnt be alone with him."

"he gets jealous of every man who comes near me," yaera's tears leak onto my pillow. "i thought if he saw you...he would really leave me alone this time. but it just...it made him more aggressive. he tried to..."

i pull her up and bring her into another hug, gripping her tightly. it felt like if i let her go that i'd never hold her again. that feeling terrifies me. i hate it so much.

"i'll never let him hurt you again," i swear. "i'll fucking kill him. just say the word and i will."

"i want him off my skin, san," she tells me pleadingly. "i dont want to feel him ever again. i want to scratch my skin off and be clean. i want to feel clean again."

"you arent dirty, yaera. hes the fucking filthy one for putting his hands on you," i hold her face in my hands. shes delicate, like porcelain. her eyes, that are usually so menacing and careless are filled with sadness. "youre perfect. you dont deserve that, dont for a second blame yourself. you're perfect, do you hear me?"

"if im so perfect then why dont you want me?" she whimpers. my blood runs cold. fuck how can she hit me with such a heavy loaded question.

theres no point in lying anymore. this is the last situation where i can lie.

"im scared," i admit. "im scared of you. and this. and everything. ive never had something like this, ive never had someone this close to me. i dont know how to handle it. ive been alone for so long i dont know how to let anyone be near me. i never let myself have anything. i always let go."

"please let me be there," she whispers in a tone i cant refuse. "please dont let me go. let yourself have this. let yourself have me."

my chest hurts. this night isnt going at all how i thought it would. its too much. i dont know what to say to yaera. i find my eyes feeling heavy. she takes my face in her hands again and i know she wants to kiss me. fuck it, this is the worst time. but at this point, there isnt ever a right time.

i go in for it and kiss her first. her lips are soft and velvety, and she melts against mine instantly. we start to lose our softness, with yaera pulling me closer and closer. its like she wants to take all the oxygen out of me. her kiss is hard, like a cry for help, like im all the air she'll ever need.

she breaks the kiss and drags her lips down my neck, making me shudder. yaera makes her way onto my lap and i dont fight it, her legs wrapping around me tightly as her dress rides up her thighs.

the kisses turn hot and i feel my brain losing sense. this wont end here, i know it. i want to stop it. i drag my willpower from the floor to break our kiss and she stares at me, frowning with swollen lips.

"is this really a good time?" i ask seriously. "you're really emotionally vulnerable right now. after what happened tonight, do you really think-"

"san," she interrupts me, pressing another kiss to my lips. "my life has been one big emotional fucked up moment, i want to forget. i want to have this, im so fucking dead inside. i want to feel alive again."

she stops showering me with warm pecks and looks me dead in the eye. "will you give me that?"

i hold her face again. my chest feels warm thinking about how no one sees her like this. her pain. but she trusts me enough. she lets me see it.

"i'll give you whatever you want tonight. i promise."

those words were all she needed. yaera slides her hands over my chest, pushing the suit jacket off. her hands move fast, flicking open every button till my chest is bare.

she presses her lips to mine again, her fingers tugging at my hair. i moan at the pull, surprising myself and her. she breaks the kiss and smiles down at me.

"i could get used to that sound," she teases. something stirs in me. she's so hot.

i move my hands to the back of her dress, finding the zipper. i dont break eye contact, and her smile only grows as the dress starts falling apart on her.

i slowly drag my lips down her neck, and she lets out a shiver. i fight my smile and continue to leave hot, soft kisses down her shoulder, moving down to her barely hidden cleavage. yaera harshly pulls the dress down, having rolls of money fall out and exposing her chest.

***

yaera

san stares at me after my boobs stare at him. there's a dazed look in his eyes that disappears once he lowers his mouth onto my one boob and grabs a hand full of the other.

i throw my head back, lost in a cloud after feeling his warm mouth. he starts sucking and massaging, rolling circles over my nipple. this is heaven. or something close to it definetely.

i feel my thighs tightening, warmth seeping down from my lower stomach. i try to stifle my moans, my mouth just barely gasping. he looks up at me, pausing on his motion. "you dont have to hold back. i told you i'll give you anything you want tonight," he whispers.

i hold his face with both my hands, feeling like i could cum from just staring into his eyes. "i only want you," i admit direly. i'll take anything he gives me. "but rubbing on you would be nice too."

he leans back, making me yearn. "okay, open wider."

hearing those words just makes me hotter. i get up from his lap and completely remove my dress, both of us just ignoring all the money on the floor. san's eyes hang on my every movement. im in nothing but black lace, and i dont waste time in throwing myself on his lap again, legs parted and ready.

he brings his lips to mine again, both softly and yet completely taking them as his own. his hand slips between my thighs, slowly trailing up like hes carressing fragile ceramics. i shiver as he gets closer to me, his hand finally slipping onto the base of me. he drags his thumb down my clothed folds, wrapping his arm around my waist to pull me closer.

i try to focus on kissing him, dragging my teeth down to his neck. i lose myself when he starts rubbing me with both fingers, feeling that jolt of warmth coursing through me.

my mouth is parted as my face is buried in his neck, pathetic whimpers pumping out of me. san starts going in circles, right in the perfect spot. i do myself the favour and move the fabric to the side, his warm fingers completely melting inside me as he pumps them in and out.

i know im doomed when i hear myself squelching. his rhythm is perfect, not too slow and not too fast, just enough for me to completely feel him and fade cloudily. i feel my high coming, my thighs starting to tense and my grip on him tightening. i start to kiss him frantically, till san keeps pushing his fingers faster. i feel like a hot coil, going and going till before i know it, im dripping all over his fingers.

i collapse onto his lap and he slowly drags them out, and i hear him prop them into mouth. i look at him with an accomplished smile on my face, shaking my head.

"you sick fuck, did you just taste me?"

san shrugs with a small smile on his face. "yeah, can you blame me?"

i cant contain myself, i kiss him again. i dont even feel close to done. "let me do something for you now?" i say against his lips.

"mmm mmm," san shakes his head, gently gripping my waist. "i just want you to feel good. do you?"

i nod. "i feel better than ever. but really, you dont want anything?"

he lets out a heavy sigh. "i didnt want to tell you this, but you feeling things makes me...feel things."

oh he just became ten times hotter.

i realize it now, while sitting so close to him, i can feel his massive boner poking me through his pants. i smirk to myself, getting an idea.

"oh no, you have that look on your face again," san mutters, moving my hair back. "what are you thinking?"

"readjust your friend. so i can sit on him."

san goes quiet, but i can feel him pulsing underneath me. its sensation is sending me into fucking heat all over again.

"i dont think we should go too far," he says. "dont get me wrong, i want to. i really do. but i dont think you're feeling hundred percent...after everything."

my smirk drops. i dont want to think of him. not right now. not while i have san's hands all over me. but i guess its not a good look if i do just jump his bones after everything that happened.

he holds my face in his hands and squeezes after i say nothing. "and dont think its because you're not pretty or anything. seriously, i dont know why you would even say that."

i shrug. my black and white state of thinking has never really helped me.

san picks up a pillow up and tosses it against the wall. "come on, lets fall asleep. we can talk again in the morning."

"okay," i mutter. i dont know what else to say. i get off him and and crawl into his bed. san follows after, his hot skin completely blanketing me as he puts his arm over my body and draws me against him.

"are you gonna act like nothing happened tomorrow again?" i ask.

silence.

"no. stop worrying."

his curt words dont register in my brain, because he places a warm kiss on my shoulder. it doesnt take me long to completely drift to sleep.

***

wooyoung

wooyoung knows he fucked up. he knows its all fucked up, he just doesnt know when he's going to tell san about it.

miss A is looking at him with cold eyes, he cant even utter a word because of the fear inside him. seonghwa is sprawled out on a broken couch, horrific burns all over him. hes barely alive, but he had it in him enough to tell everyone about what went down at the warehouse.

"changbin is dead, you know this right?" miss A tells him.

"yes, ma'am," he utters pathetically.

"so you know what you and lucky have to do."

he knows he cant stay a bitch in this gang for long. he knows its going to get real. petty stuff is all wooyoung is used to. extortion, scamming people. when he watched yunho die, a fear he thought was so far away just flashed infront of his eyes. he knew he'd come to be on the other end someday.

"you find that man...and you bring me his hand. or else, i'll have yours."

***

A/N: pls this chapter was a mess im sorry and it took forever to write , the next will be better 😭😭😭😭

NEXT CHAPTER

tagslist: @yujispinkhair @brown88 @sansonlygf

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 13: SOMEONE IS COMING

warnings: murder, arson.

wc: 5141

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***

"alright, hurry up! we don't have all night!"

seonghwa chuckles, watching changbin's short frame from above. he leans against the railing of the upperfloor of the warehouse, a cigarette between his lips as he observes the lower ranks moving merchandise. he's getting bored already, but changbin's loud and authoritative voice in that tiny body proves to be sufficient entertainment.

changbin sighs and shakes his head, somehow his eyes drift up toward seonghwa. he seems startled, as if not expecting the man's face. it brings him to seonghwa in just a minute.

"miss A said all the big dogs would be here. i didnt know that meant you too," changbin says.

seonghwa snorts, his lips curving slyly. "am i not the biggest dog?"

changbin raises his eyebrow. "you are, that's why you should be on the tightest leash."

killing other gang members are not allowed under any circumstance unless they turn out to be traitors. changbin is as loyal as they come, but that didn't make seonghwa's hand itch any less. its curved around his hunting knife, which happens to be resting in the pocket of his long black coat.

"why do you want me gone so bad, Binnie? am i bothering you by being here?" seonghwa asks, sighing dramatically.

changbin bites the inside of his cheek. he'd heard about seonghwa when he was a junior in the gang, a bitch and a nobody. when he moved up, the man was still like a tale told by pirates. folklore. always in the shadows. he only saw him once or twice, either gambling or killing people.

yunho was an avid gambler. you would always find him at a table, whether it be at a restaurant, in a club, a casino. he was there. yunho made a lot of bets he couldnt pay up, and he lost often. seonghwa was his final collector. he paid the ultimate price.

"i think everyone in the streets know you offed Dirty Ho," changbin leans in closer to whisper. it only makes seonghwa's grin widen, thinking that changbin could be scared of death.

"point is, i dont know if you should be here. not sure why miss A would let you come to some small fry work like this."

"do you really not know, Binnie?" seonghwa frowns mockingly. "are you really a big dog yourself?"

"i know this is bait for the black dragons. but come on! its too obvious, dangling yunho's killer infront of them? everyone knows this...if the black dragons know you're here they'd know..."

seonghwa lightly slaps changbin on his shoulder, making him pause in his rambling.

"dont underestimate miss A. she knows what she's doing. she anticipated yunho would run and knew how to intercept him. now she's luring the BGs out. has she ever been wrong?"

then, as if fate thought this was a movie or videogame, gunshots erupt from outside. seonghwa and changbin's heads turn together like alert birds, their hands instantly going to their weapons.

changbin moves to run, but seonghwa grabs him by the bicep, making the man turn with a glare. "what are you doing? cmon! they're here!"

seonghwa coolly shakes his head. "we have lots of boys out there. let them come to us."

changbin's clenches his jaw, hating that idea completely. but seonghwa's ranked far higher than him, so he hits brakes and hangs back, refusing to untighten his grip on his knife.

the chaos outside grows louder. eventually there's a loud boom outside. a bright orange glow flashes by the entrance of the warehouse. it dims after a few seconds, but its still there. a fire?

men start running inside the warehouse, some of them getting blasted in the back. guns. seonghwa finally pulls a pistol from his pocket and points it at the entrance, waiting for the enemy to walk in.

it never happens. instead the entire place starts smelling like gasoline.

changbin keeps tossing looks of stress to seonghwa, irritated that they arent doing anything. "we can't just stand here!" he says, exasperated.

seonghwa doesn't really care. he looks past changbin's buff shoulders, seeing another figure on the mezzanine. he smiles, because its another assassin.

he's got red hair, noticable ear piercings and glint in his eye that seonghwa has definetely heard of before. there's something in his hand. changbin stiffens when he realizes its a match.

"the butcher?" the man asks with a tilt of his head. he looks changbin up and down then snorts with disgust. "you don't look like much to be having that kinda name?"

"im the butcher," seonghwa speaks up, his smirk growing. "and you are?"

"thats Fangs," changbin says, a pathetic waver present in his voice. "kim hongjoong. he's been in prison for armed robbery and murder for years?"

hongjoong smiles. "well, i got out. and im looking for a few people."

"me?" seonghwa grins. changbin is terrified by how normal the conversation is going when a black dragon is right infront of them. hongjoong only chuckles, then launches his entire body at changbin.

changbin's knife hits the steel, with hongjoong kicking it through the railing. seonghwa jumps in, trying to pull hongjoong from changbin's body, but as he's lifted, hongjoong kicks changbin in the chest, sending him folding over the railing.

seonghwa is pushed against the other side of the railing as hongjoong struggles, attempting to stab him. seonghwa has just enough speed to evade, but hongjoong's knife catches his leg, forcing him to let go.

seonghwa hits the floor, blood spurting from the wound above his knee. he grounds his teeth as hongjoong smiles and stands above him menacingly.

"ive come out of retirement for you fucker. where's the other two?" he asks, flipping the knife between his fingers.

who? seonghwa looks at him in confusion through his pain, trying to move back. hongjoong ends up stomping on his other leg, forcing his heel into it. seonghwa screams in agony, glaring through his hair.

"what the fuck are you talking about?!" he yells.

hongjoong throws out a punch, knocking seonghwa to the side. "dont scream, fucker. thats rude. where's the other two bastards that got our buddy killed?"

when seonghwa doesnt answer, hongjoong sighs and moves back, lighting the match.

"what are you doing?" seonghwa coughs, eyes going wide.

"tell Miss A this is a gift from us to her."

hongjoong drops the match down the mezzanine, setting the bottom floor of the warehouse alight. flames burst to life, spreading to nearly all corners. screams erupt from the bottom, ending the already dying men.

"fuck you!" seonghwa screams, finally pulling his pistol and pointing it at hongjoong. it barely spends a second in his hand before hongjoong boots him off the edge of the mezzanine, sending him thrashing into the flames below.

***

Yaera

i decided to go looking all over the house for san. after five minutes of being bored and horny, i didnt want to be just sit and wait for him to be finished.

where there's potential for more blackmail, i go exactly there.

not that i dont trust san, but if any of this goes wrong for me, i need to remember what im doing this for. if i ever need more money, yeosang is right there. im not going to pass up that golden opportunity.

i stiffen when i get downstairs, running right into jongho. he runs me into the wall, pausing when he sees me. he's beaten up still, he looks horrible. and his eyes are burning with hatred when they finally take me in.

we stand there for what feels like forever, but its only ten unbearable seconds. he moves past me with a purpose, no words exchanging between us.

and where the fuck is he going so determinedly?

jongho only really hangs in one place at a party, with yeosang. where yeosang is, usually there's more expensive booze, a bunch of girls and probably drugs.

and the situation on this night, is i need to be exactly where yeosang is.

i follow jongho, the blasting music masking the sound of my persistent steps going after him. he's marching, he doesnt even once look behind him. i guess he's pissed.

i dont know the layout of this place, but jongho cuts through an empty room and stops infront of the door. i slide behind a wall quickly, knowing he most likely turned around to check for anyone. the music is muted in this part of the house, so i only come out from behind the wall once i hear the opening and shutting of the door.

i go the same route, finding a dim hallway and no jongho. it reminds me of the sketchy place i followed san after school the first day i met him. weird time to get deja vu but i came prepared. i creep down the hallway and cautiously peer around the wall at the end, seeing san and wooyoung standing infront of yeosang.

yeosang's sitting on a couch in what looks like a garage. and he has a shit-smug grin on his face. san's fist is clenched and wooyoung looks tense. oh yeah, this definetely isnt going well.

“money?” yeosang lets out a laugh. “youre not getting any money.”

"what?" san snaps.

“you disrespected me, and these rosies are to make up for the shitty service. its a gift so that i stay a part of your shitty clientele. i dont owe you shit, lazarus. all this is mine.”

what the fuck is going on. i dont hear the next few words that get exchanged. i pull my taser from my jacket pocket, readying myself for any and all bullshit. i know its about to hit the fan.

jongho grabs a lamp from the corner of the room, hitting it right over san's head. the glass shatters against it and he drops to the floor, out cold. wooyoung screams and tries to attack jongho, but he's struck in the face with the base of the lamp, the attack too quick to dodge.

wooyoung falls to his knee and jongho finishes him with a punch to the face. he flops down next to san and i grind my teeth. jongho continues to beat them both, alternating kicks in the stomach between them.

"fucking! assholes!" he kicks with every word. "fucking! lowlives!"

"alright relax, buddy, they're out." yeosang chuckles. the girls on his couch arent reacting. they should be running for the hills right now. how much is this bastard paying them?

"nah. ive been wanting to do that for a long time," jongho grunts. "its personal."

"i get it. have you seen marino around?"

"ran into her. as soon as i find that bitch again she's done."

"you have my permission to escort her out of the party." yeosang raises a glass to jongho. he drops the lamp and takes it, swallowing it all in one gulp.

these assholes.

i come out from behind the wall, holding the taser behind my back. "you got anything to tell me, jongho?" i say, feigning curiousity.

they both jump in their skin when they see me. "fucking hell," yeosang breathes. "were you here the whole time? you're creepy, marino!"

"i only show when im summoned," i force a smile. "well? care to explain what happened to my friends?"

"they got what they deserved," yeosang answers cockily. "honestly, you're not so innocent. so you might too."

i hum and turn my eyes on jongho, who's borderline hyperventilating. he's pissed angry when he sees me, his face reddening and his shoulders just barely steady. its scary, but its nothing i havent seen before. jongho isnt the most stable person out there, ironic i know, coming from me. i guess thats why we gravitated towards each other back then.

"you bitch!" he yells and marches towards me. he grabs me by the neck and forces me against the wall, pushing me up. my head knocks against the surface and i yelp, steadying my breath. fuck okay, we're doing this.

his body presses me into the surface, and i barely have space to breathe with his angry breaths fanning me in the face.

"i hate you so fucking much," he hisses venomously. "everyday i wish it was you that was gone. i regret it. i regret everything we did. i wish i never met you!"

"likewise," i squeeze out, and he harshly grabs my face with his hand.

"dont bullshit me. i know you loved me," he scornfully laughs and i feel myself getting triggered. "you loved me and i only loved her. thats why you took all my pictures of her. you want me to forget her but i wont. i'll only remember her. i'll only cherish her. but you? i'd toss you away any fucking day, yaera. any fucking day."

yeosang gasps dramatically. "woah, marino. are you gonna let that slide?"

a single tear escapes me. not because im hurt. i just cant believe i ever loved someone like this. im beyond embarrassed. pissed at myself even. i beat myself up about it enough. now this? fuck no.

"oh yeah jongho?" i smirk dryly. he clenches his jaw harder. he wanted a different reaction out of me.

"yeah, yaera. you mean nothing to me."

"feelings mutual," i grit out and put the taser into his stomach.

jongho instantly lets me go, turning red as his entire body starts thrashing with electricity. he drops to the ground and screams, his reaction prompting yeosang to jump up from the couch. and the girls on him finally burst out running.

"what the fuck?!" yeosang screams. he moves to come towards me and i hold out the taser, making him jump back. he narrows his eyes at me, lifting his arms in surrender.

"you want some too?" i challenge.

"you have NO idea what you're getting into, yaera!" yeosang snaps, taking me aback. i smile, i cant believe i made kang yeosang lose his cool. that's the first time i ever heard him raise his voice, well at me anyway.

i use my foot to shake wooyoung awake. he stirs and looks up, disorientated. a trail of blood leaks down his lips from his nose.

he winces and feels his nose, letting out a hard groan. yeosang is frozen in fear as he stares at wooyoung. he tries to run but wooyoung springs at him, tackling him into the ground.

"bitch!" wooyoung screams as he grabs yeosang's hair, using it to slam his head into the floor multiple times. after a while they stop struggling and yeosang is dazedly looking up at the ceiling.

i move and try and wake san up, who is just gone from that head hit. i touch his hair, looking in horror at my fingertips as blood sits on them.

"i think the lamp cut his head," i say to wooyoung.

wooyoung curses and gets up, not before spitting on yeosang. he bends down next to me, shaking his head at his knocked out friend.

"lets carry him out to the van. i dont wanna be here another second."

i sneak a look at yeosang. "what about him?"

wooyoung scoffs. "fuck him. we'll get him back for this. he wont get shit from us after this."

maybe then he'll take up sobrierity. i take san's one arm and wooyoung takes the other and we carry him out of the garage, leaving those two assholes passed out where they are.

carrying san out of the party goes unnoticed. he looks like just another drunk guy who partied too hard. but im worried because of the blood in his head. im sure there's still left over painkillers and bandages from when i took care of his first wound. i lay san down in the backseat and slide next to wooyoung in the front.

its awkward as we start driving. wooyoung isnt even playing music. hes just gripping the steering wheel with his jaw clenched.

"you need me to check that nose of yours?" i ask him to break the tension.

"didnt realize you were a registered nurse," he snarkily answers. geez. "its not broken. you can lay off."

this guy is such an asshole. i dont ask him anything further, choosing to focus on the road.

"how did you know where we were?" he suddenly brings up, tossing me a distrustful look.

"what?"

"at the party. how did you know where to find us?"

"i followed jongho," i shrugged. "he looked like he was going somewhere serious. and i had a gut feeling. then i found you both."

wooyoung nods and sighs. he looks like he wants to thank me but doesnt know how. i just take the fact that he's asking as a thanks.

we pull up to san's place and wooyoung gets a phone call. he looks at the ID and scowls, cursing again before answering.

"yeah?" he says. it takes five seconds to pass, then his entire face changes.

"what happened?" he stammers.

i should move but i dont. i sit there and watch wooyoung's expression change from angry to filled with fear in no time. i dont even think of how much time has passed when he puts the phone down.

"i need to go," he tells me, not meeting my eyes. "i'll put san to bed and dip. you need to stay here with him."

"i was going to anyway," i say. "wait, what happened?"

he's spooked. his tan complexion looks like a squid swam underneath his skin and inked it full of grey. he gets out of the van without answering me and goes around the back to pick up san. i get out to help him too.

we carry san into the elevator of his apartment building, the silence deafening. wooyoung's reflection in the mirror is haunted, and hes standing with his mouth half parted the entire time.

god, as if more bad news was needed. if this is how he's reacting i dont even want to know how bad it will affect san. i know its not personal.

when we get inside san's apartment, wooyoung and i put him down on the nearest bed, the one i always sleep on. he's completely lame, yet his face looks like an angel. i close him with blankets and wooyoung gives me a dead serious stare.

"do not open this door for anyone," he presses like im a child. "if you need help, san has knives in his sock drawer."

he slams the door and leaves, not even giving me a chance to answer. okay, that's fucking unsettling.

for the first time tonight, i look at my phone. there are missed calls from my family and i know im in trouble. i cant be bothered though. i send a text to my father letting him know im sleeping at a friends house, adding a selfie so he knows i am in fact alive.

i dont wait for a response and sit myself down at san's desk, looking at his fishtank. watching the mollies swim in circles eventually put me to sleep.

***

san

when i wake up, my brain feels like it fell down a flight of stairs.

the entire back of my head is throbbing and i cant even tell where i am. my vision blurrily focuses on the blue in my room, until it focuses on my fishtank. i try to get up, wanting to feed them, but as soon as i get to my feet i stumble into the wall. my arm is grabbed and my soul jumps inside me when i see yaera.

my mind is blank. "morning sunshine," she says with a soft smile. oh god.

i stare at her and shes wearing an old shirt of mine over the skirt she had on last night.

"did we sleep together?" i ask. i look down and my clothes are still on but i cant remember when i got home. all i remember is...

her lips on mine in a dark room and my walls and feelings of caring slipping rapidly.

"if i said yes would you be mad?" yaera grins. my face falls instantly and i hold my head, feeling more lightheaded. i fucking slept with yaera and i cant even remember. what a waste of space my life is.

"i cant believe this," i groan and pull at my hair, falling back onto my bed. this was NOT supposed to happen. why was i so weak?

yaera sighs and sits down next to me. "no we did not sleep together, pagliaccio. i'll pretend to not be offended by your reaction."

oh. i awkwardly look at her and she's glaring at me. i want to fall down a hole. so did the rest of the night happen...? was it real?

i want to ask everything on my tongue but all i can get out is, "what did you call me?"

"i called you a clown," she clicks her tongue in annoyance. "how are you feeling? does your head hurt?"

i nod, wincing. i must have had too much to drink. and i blame her, because i was trying hard to not care about kissing her. i couldnt do it without the liquid courage, i was too afraid. because i have never met anyone like her in my life.

"san?" she frowns at me. "do you remember what yeosang did to you?"

"yeosang..?" as i utter his name everything comes flooding back. that bastard.

i grind my teeth against each other and seethe. he robbed me. kang yeosang seems to think hes immortal. he seems to think nothing can ever go wrong for him. him and jongho both.

i laugh bitterly. "well, what a shitfest that party was, huh?"

"it wasnt all bad," yaera eyes me. i feel my face redden. i have to handle this soon. "but lets talk about what you're going to do about it. you gonna let him get away with it?"

i cant even think straight at the moment. "where's woo?" i ask her. surely he didnt just let things be. i know his impulsive ass probably left both yeosang and jongho with some missing teeth.

yaera frowns. "i dont know actually. he took off last night and seemed off. i think something happened. he got a phone call, put you to bed and then quickly took off. you should check on him."

phone call? it had to be from changbin then. we were due to hear from him anyway. i pull my phone from out of my pocket and there arent any missed calls for me. thats weird.

"do you think you're in trouble?"

her dark brown eyes are innocent like a deer's in asking me that. truth is, i dont even know. i dont know how to feel entirely. all i know is my head is spinning and i cant believe a thousand things.

"i dont think anything." i say honestly.

yaera lightly rubs my shoulder, a soft look in her eyes making my chest burn. this is bad. she becomes conscious of our contact, suddenly looking at her own hand and awkwardly pulling away.

"so...you're still going to be my date for tonight, right?" her voice is hopeful. i want to say no.

i want to say no because im scared. i dont want this. i dont want this kind of attachment.

"well, i did say i would be. plus its for business," i shrug. yaera lightly raises her brows, not pleased with that answer. of course she isnt.

"business, of course." she tightly smiles. "è tutto un affare per te?"

i scowl. "are you cursing me out again?"

she gets up and goes to the kitchen, pulling out a cigarette as she opens my fridge. i swear its like she moved in here. "at least that lamp didnt completely knock the common sense out of you. get ready and go shower, i promised my parents i'd be home soon and they have to meet you."

"what?" i stutter. "sorry??"

she turns around and gives me a deadpan look. "where fucking else are you going to get a suit for the gala? you have to come to my house remember?"

i shouldnt have said yes to this thing. i feel out of place and the energy between us is weird. i know im making it weird but i dont know how to act. we kissed. and were going to do much more than that. its not a good thing. theres no way this ends well.

i say nothing and go shower, my head hurting for more reasons than the lamp now.

***

yaera

all i can say is, i hate men. i hate them with a burning passion.

i hate my uber driver. and i especially hate the man next to me in this fucking uber.

san isnt saying a word to me. hes staring out the window as we drive to my house, completely avoiding conversation. coward. he couldnt keep his lips off me the night before and now he cant even look me in the eye.

a familiar feeling floods back. its an empty feeling. i dont know what it is, but i'd remember being filled with it back when jongho and i were the present.

he'd kiss me. and touch me. and he'd spill all his desires in my ear whenever we were alone. it was nice while it lasted, those few times he was mine. then we'd get around my sister. or her friends. and we'd get to school, and suddenly i didnt exist to him.

i was pathetic. i tried hard to get his attention. i'd move closer to him when he talked. even though we'd just insult each other. i'd try to make conversation when we were in a group setting. he'd respond and not look me in the eye.

then later on when we're alone again, he'd tell me how pretty i looked all day. he'd tell me how he couldnt wait till the day ended to see me. no matter how much he cussed at me, embarrassed me and humiliated me infront of others, he'd still want me to come back.

and i went back. so many times. and it was so fucking humiliating.

i swore to myself when it all ended. when i knew for certain he wouldnt ever care about me the way i cared about him, that i would never do this to myself again.

and yet here i am, the deja vu waving infront of me like a fucking flag in the wind. but somehow worse, because san wont even acknowledge what happened.

"thanks," i tip the uber driver and get out of the car infront of my house. i got my books and everything so my parents have proof i was out studying.

im in a shit mood so i dont say anything on the way to the front door. san is following behind me like a lost puppy and its pissing me off. i dont even want him as a date anymore, i just want to see him in a damn suit.

"what do i call your parents?" he asks me as i knock on the door.

"Mr and Mrs Cunt," i sarcastically answer, not looking at him. san sighs in response.

one of the maids open the door and i mumble a greeting before bulldozing through. i find my mother and father sitting at the kitchen island, both furious in the eyes as they see me.

i go kiss them on the cheeks. "mamma, papà."

my mother shoots me a dirty look. "and where the hell have you been? you smell like cigarettes!"

"i was hanging out with some friends and i slept over," i act casual, looking to my father. "i told you, didn't i, papá?"

"you sent me a message last night after being gone ALL day," he slams his cup onto the island, glaring at me. "what did i tell you, yaera?"

"is this that boy who had bruises all over his face the last time?" my mother asks, looking directly at san with narrowed eyes.

san is confused. he doesnt seem to recall when and where my mother has seen him. but i know. from the very next day we decided our partnership, my mother laid eyes on him.

she said he looks like trouble. man if she knew.

"mamma, papá, this is choi san. he's the guy who tutors me. he's also my friend from class and my date for tonight's gala," i introduced, getting growing stares from my parents.

"date?" they both repeat, scowling.

"san, this is my mother, monica marino and my father, ruan marino."

"hello, its nice to meet you all," san says and bows. god this is so awkward.

"so you are tutoring yaera in what?" my mother questions harshly. san gulps and his face screams unprepared. im annoyed at her crudeness but i knew it was inevitable.

"biology, Mrs Marino."

"have the two of you slept together yet?"

"mamma!" i interject, sighing. she wears a twisted grin. san is just standing there like he wants to fade into the wall.

"im sorry. im not sure what you mean, Mrs Marino?"

"has my daughter thrown herself at you?" she repeats more harshly. "are you the reason she keeps sneaking out?"

shes always fucking doing this.

"Moni, we called the school, remember?" my useless father finally decides to speak up instead of just being a bystander. "the headmaster said he is a good kid. one of the best."

"hmmm, they're all good kids in the faces of adults. its when they are out of your sight when you truly see who they are. look at yaera, she acts innocent here and then disappears and comes back smelling like every substance under the sun," my mother scoffs.

"but anyway, welcome to our home, choi san. go with Mr Marino. he'll find you a suit to wear for tonight. are you familiar with Brioni?"

"polony?" san asks. oh god. its going to be a long night.

my mother smirks. "of course you arent. go and help him, mi amor."

my father sighs and abandons his food, beckoning san with a wave of his hand. the two of them disappear into the house and i cant help but stare at my mother tiredly.

"was that necessary?" i ask. "why did you embarrass me? ive been doing everything you ask of me. im here, im going to your events. i did the shoot."

"its not about what i want, yaera," my mother tightly says, irritated. "only when santo is happy with you is when i will be happy with you. now go shower, you smell like an old smoker."

i grit my teeth. if thats what it takes for her to be happy with me, then i guess none of us will be fucking happy.

***

next chapter

tagslist : @brown88 @yujispinkhair @sansonlygf

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

Girl i'm obsessed with the sfy fanfic i literally can’t stop thinking about it😭😭😭 i hope youre doing fine and can update soon! No rush tho🥰

THANK YOU SM, i updated yes and i knoa its been so long hopefully you guys like it😭

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 12: YEOSANG’S PARTY

wc: 6000 i think

warnings: suggestive smut (>:D ), violence, drugdealing

prev chapter

***

SAN

“what the fuck are we going to do, san?” wooyoung asks me, frantically pacing around my apartment. we haven’t even been to changbin yet, we rushed straight back, with me having to check the entire ride home if we were being followed.

im sitting motionlessly on my bed, my brain in overdrive and yet my body on autopilot. im terrified and i can’t even speak. 

“some fuckers tried to kill us, but why us? do you think its for Miss A???”

wooyoung’s stressed and frightened voice drags me deeper into my frozen state. i didn’t imagine what happened tonight. it was real. 

all i could think of was the night we captured yunho. it feels like forever since he died. he begged for his life, he screamed his lungs out till they were probably vibrating and raw. i tried not to think about him ever again since that day, but i watched him die. now theres a chance woo and i could end up the same way.

he comes up to me and grabs me by the shoulders, “can you say something man!” he yells in my face. 

i stare at woo tiredly, i know my calmness is aggravating him even more. “this is because of you, isn’t it?” my voice is neutral, but wooyoung immediately takes offense, moving away from me and putting a hand to his chest in both betrayal and disbelief. 

“me?”

“for what you did to that Mingi guy, from the black dragons.” i remind him. “you didnt have to shoot and rob him, but you did. and you didnt even kill him so they’re coming back for revenge.”

woo absorbs my words, filling with anger and realization in a sort of “i fucked up” way. “oh fuck!” he screams, gripping his hair. “oh my god. what are we gonna do, what am i gonna do? Miss A is going to kill me!!”

woo grabs onto my clothes again. “this isnt my fault alone, alright! you were with me, we were both there, we both attacked yunho and all those black dragons!”

“did i tell you to shoot mingi, wooyoung?” i finally lose my patience and snap. “did i tell you to fucking rob him too? sure we both went there to cause chaos, but that would’ve just been seen as us following Miss A’s orders. but you drew attention to us both, now we’re both in danger, because you couldnt think!”

i immediately feel bad for my words, seeing wooyoung’s shattered face. hes like a panicked puppy, standing there motionlessly, accepting he peed a puddle and someone stepped in his shit. 

“should i tell changbin it was all my fault then?” he asks hopelessly.

i cant even imagine what they’ll do to woo, he’s not like me. hes an actual gangster. he’ll probably be fatally stabbed or something worse.

“no, dont say anything. its too late now, lets deal with the blows as they come. we can figure something out.”

the fear in his eyes is real. im scared too, my chest feeling like its about to cave in just picturing that scenario. i dont know what to say to him, all i have is a very misplaced sense of hope.

“you should fall off the radar for a while.” i say after a strained silence. ”say you had to steal a car and disappear. i’ll ask the Mongols if they know a place you can be safe.”

“they’ll know im running away.” woo mutters. “and what if they hurt you for helping me?”

“i have a good portion of her money ready because of yaera. dont worry about me, and dont worry about Miss A, i’ll distract her.”

woo sinks to the floor, stress gripping his hair as he bows against the wall. he shivers as he struggles not to burst into sobs and its hard to watch.

“come with me tomorrow,” i say. “yeosang’s party. it’ll take your mind off everything. we can set that dickhead straight.”

“seeing kang yeosang’s face will make me feel worse, maybe if i could beat it in i’ll feel better.” he sniffles. i chuckle against my will but it quickly fades.

“i’ll see what i can do. alright?”

***

YAERA

i wake up to about 20 missed calls. 15 from anya, 3 from claire and 2 from irina. its an odd occurrence, but i smile. because i know what that means. 

first, i reach for my second cellphone out my bedside drawer. its an old nokia with buttons, my very first phone. i still hold onto it because im a sentimental shit. theres the old snake game i play when im feeling nostalgic.

i add claire, irina and anya’s numbers, then i call irina since the 3 of them are clearly together. 

“buongiorno, i miei angeli.” i greet, receiving silence on the end for a few moments.

“yaera?” claire blurts and i struggle to not explode into laughter.

“the one and only.”

“why won’t you answer your phone, bitch?” anya snaps. “or did you seriously just wake up?”

i roll my eyes. “get real, did you think i was gonna answer calls at 7am on a weekend? you have my attention now.”

“did you change numbers?” irina asks me.

“nah. just contact me on this number where these matters are concerned.”

“wow, how formal. sounds like you already know why we’re calling.” i can hear the smile in irina’s words.

“not like you guys are inviting me to sunbathe with you in Saint Tropez. im useful now, aren’t i?”

irina hums. “alright then, your samples weren’t too bad...” she’s downplaying, she loved it. “they were interesting. something new.”

i hum and say nothing. knowing someone who does cocaine regularly is interested in san’s product says a lot.

“whats it gonna take to get more?”

“its 500 a single bag of five pills.”

a dramatic gasp ensues and i know its anya’s. “what? hey, arent you in school, kid? you shouldn't be doing this.”

i snort. “didnt you drop out at like, entry level high school? you shouldn’t be encouraging education here.”

“it was 9th grade, bitch. and i dropped out to become a model.”

and now youre buying drugs from a teenager, i wanted to say but dont.”anyway, dont be those people with moral compasses. you know you called me because you want more.”

silence. i dont know why theyre pretending to second guess. they dont care what happens to me and i like it that way.

“can you sneak some to marco’s event?” irina asks.

“how many?” 

“make it nine bags. three for each of us.”

nine bags, five hundred each. san is not going to believe this. i cant stop smiling,

“deal.”

“hey, whatever you’re up to now, dont forget to be careful,” irina tells me, an uncharacteristic hint of concern in her voice. im almost touched. 

“you too, ciao.”

i hang up and immediately jump out of bed. i dial san on my normal phone, it goes to voicemail. i frown, remembering how he told me he doesnt have any plans except for yeosang’s party, which is tonight. i didnt hear from san last night either, ever since he went with wooyoung on whatever gang errand. i decide to get dressed in something hot, packing a bag with me. 

fuck, i never asked permission to go to yeosang’s party, and my parents cant stand him. its one of the few things we agree on. this is going to be a stealth mission it seems.

i put on a boyfriend shirt and plaid skirt, going downstairs. theres no one home, makes things easy for me. 

i dial san one last time to give him a chance to answer. voicemail again. a weird feeling hits me, what if hes dead?

i shake that thought, deciding to just head to his apartment and make sure once and for all.

***

SAN

“you guys haven’t been having any problems on that side, yeah?” changbin asks, sitting on his couch as he licks his fingertips counting the money woo and i returned with.

he’s a buff guy, filled with tattoos till his neck. his apartment always smells like weed and there’s a half naked guy just asleep on the floor.

woo and i turn to each other, shrugging. “not much. just a bunch of old bats complaining here and here. they still paid up though.” woo answers.

“good.” changbin looks up at me. “you still in school, lucky?”

i nod quietly.

“final year?” i nod again. he cracks a smile.

“explains a lot. Miss A must be bumping you to the big leagues soon. you’ll be out of that shithole you live in and making way bigger bank.”

i blink slowly. “huh?”

“youre gonna be promoted, look at all the hard jobs she has you doing!”

i figured shes trying to kill me, if anything.

“whats he gonna be promoted to?” woo questions with a frown. he knows my plans. he knows i dont want to rank up in any league, he knows i want out.

this is not part of the plan. 

“not a bitch, thats for sure. you cant always be doing these shitty jobs, lucky. even if your old man fucked up, you’re the one whos got potential.”

i say nothing. i squeeze my fist and take a hard breath, picturing my father’s face. if i could kill him i would. i would kill him in a heartbeat.

“what if he fails?” woo asks. changbin glares at him, probably wondering why he would even bother asking.

“trust me, you don’t want to fail. you’ll be wishing you ended up like that yunho guy if you fail.”

silence. my ears are buzzing and its driving me insane. i need to get out of here.

woo takes over talking, him and changbin get along well. he knows i cant participate because this weight is crashing down on me. i feel like im losing my mind.

now i have to worry about this stupid promotion that might take me out of school. not to mention the black dragons almost killing us.

“speaking of the BG. they’ve been quiet, Miss A doesn’t like it,” changbin says, making my blood freeze even more. 

i feign a shrug. “thats good, right? means they’re out of the way.”

changbin grimly looks at me. “they’re never out of the way. if you wanna survive around here, you have to never let your enemies go silent.”

“its only been two weeks.” woo nervously laughs. 

“Miss A thinks they might be planning some bullshit. theres a shipment coming in soon at the old town. a bunch of tvs and shit. our boys will be picking it up.”

“are you expecting something to happen?” i question.

changbin nods, his muscles bulging as he crosses his arms. “its a decoy. Miss A wants to see what they’re willing to do about yunho. so word spread on the streets. only the big boys are going. when you two rank up, you’ll be able to get involved.”

i dont want to get involved. this sounds like an easy way to get arrested or even worse, die. i dont want to die for this gang. i dont care how much i rely on their money. they are not going to ruin my life.

my phone rings suddenly. i can barely swipe on my screen because of all cracks and it takes me an embarrassing amount of time to answer the call.

“choi san here.”

“che cazzo! you’re alive? why aren’t you home?”

yaera. oh god shes by my apartment by herself. 

i panickedly look to changbin, unable to control my face in the moment. “are we done here?” i ask him.

he nods and shoos me away like a fly. i immediately bolt out of his house and to woo’s vans. all i can think of is last night and how close we were to being crushed by that mustang. its not safe.

“hello?” yaera calls again. “whats going on? are you alive?”

“i’ll be right home. dont go anywhere.”

***

san’s tone is worrying. im guessing last night didnt go as planned, that or he has disappointing news for me. i hope he didnt go see ningning without me. or all the good news i have will be pointless.

i light a cigarette out of worry, starting to relax a bit with the familiar drag in my lungs. it doesn’t take long for san to come running down the passage, wooyoung trailing behind him like a puppy after his owner.

he’s out of breath when he gets to me and i stare at him weirdly. “why did you rush here?”

he heaves hard breaths and starts unlocking his door. i eye wooyoung, who somehow looks worse. okay, at least i know whatever happened affects everyone. so much for good news.

we walk into san’s apartment and he throws suspicious glances outside before closing the door. he grabs my wrist and guides me to his bed and i struggle to not smile at the physical touch. san looks too stressed for me to be inappropriate.

“okay, so what made you look like you saw a ghost?” i sit down on the bed, killing my cig on my thigh. a familiar burn sears my skin but i swallow it, receiving horrid looks from both san and wooyoung alike.

“last night, someone tried to...kill us.” san mutters. “we almost got run over by a car.”

i dont know how to react. “did you see who did it?”

san shakes his head. “no, but we think its because wooyoung shot that gangster the night you followed us.”

i lean my chin onto my palm, dragging my other hand through my hair. god, just when things were getting quiet. “so they have some typa’ grudge against you?”

“yeah, so you cant just come and go as you please anymore,” woo says annoyedly. i turn to glare at him. 

“wooyoung,” san warns, receiving a shrug in return.”what he means to say is, we need a different place to meet up. until i know its safe, you shouldnt come here anymore. i dont want anything happening to you.”

i frown and pick at my burn mark from the cigarettes. that means no more sleepovers. no more seeing san come straight out of the shower with wet hair and no more sharing pajamas with him. how disappointing.

“yaera?” san furrows his eyes at me, checking if i understand. i nod and sigh.

“yeah i got it. theres a place near school, Rockstar Coffee. where we were supposed to meet up the first time. lets just go there to talk business.”

i guess i have to sacrifice our close proximity when we’re alone in his apartment for safety, so not worth it but whatever. i can tell san’s shaken up by the experience. his face is exhausted, yet still handsome. he doesnt need my safety on his conscience too, knowing all he has on his plate. that doesnt even count the things he doesnt talk about. 

“but i still want you at my house for our sessions,” i smile at him. wooyoung tenses up at my words, glaring between the two of us. i actually immensely enjoy pissing him off.

“tutoring sessions,” san quickly says. wooyoung didnt even say anything, his face says enough i guess.

“wow, you tutor her too, sannie?” wooyoung fake laughs, unimpressed. it looks like he wants to ask, what dont you do for her.

feeling a childish streak go through me, i say, “nah, we just make out during sessions. its easier than bio.”

“hey!” san blurts, his ears reddening.”whats wrong with you? dont say that.” he turns to wooyoung defensively, “that never happened. shes joking.”

wooyoung rolls his eyes. “oh fuck the both you.”

“im just kidding, dont get your panties in a knot, wooyoung.”

“san, just give her her share of the money so she can go home.”

my ears perk up under my hair and i feel like a god who just heard its favourite word. “my share of the money?”

san nods and tiredly points to an angry wooyoung., who has moved to the kitchen, putting pans on san’s stove. 

“another reason we almost got squashed by that car is because woo not only shot a rival gangster, but robbed him of all his gambling cash too.”

woo stiffens slightly, saying nothing. he feels guilty, and he should really. he put san in danger, himself too, but he already knows that, which is why hes quiet.

he better not talk about me endangering san ever again.

san goes to his room and comes out with a bag. he spills cash out onto the bed, leaving me in awe as i sweep my hands across the bills. i picture my future in an instant. im on a train to lecionna beach. its quiet there, im by myself and im free to dissolve in the waves and current.

“this is yours,” he tells me. “everything. woo and i already took our share.”

i could kiss him. i really could.

“can i get a ‘thank you wooyoung for shooting that dickhead and stealing you cash you dont deserve’ !” wooyoung childishly shouts. 

“thank you for making such awful decisions that benefit me, how’s that?” i scrunch a smile at him.

i take the money and slide it into the bag it was, then into my backpack. i dont even know how much there is, but its enough to make me blush. blackmailing choi san has changed my life for the better.

“to top this off, i have good news,” i grin at san. “our newest customers have put in an order of nine bags of rosies for my parents gala.”

“your model friends? that much already?” san’s adorable mouth parts open.

“yeah, and i definetely overcharged them.”

“you’re a genius.”

i smirk. im glad he agrees. “you know what that means, right? you have to go with me as my date.”

san’s smile is quick to revert to his signature scowl. “why can you do this business by yourself?”

i get up and grab his hands. he goes wide-eyed. “choi san, you are going to be my date to the party, where im selling your drugs. you can come to my house and get dressed, i have a tux waiting for you. and its sunday night, which means you have the entire day to recover from yeosang’s party.”

he groans defeatedly. wooyoung shakes his head in the kitchen. “god, youre like obsessed with him.”

i nod, unfazed. “i am.” san pulls his hands from mine, quickly putting distance between us. i smirk to myself, knowing a man like him constantly folding with nervousness around me is exactly what i need. this crush is moving in my favour.

“are you going like that...to yeosang’s party?” san queries without looking at me. coward. instead hes fiddling with his books at his desk like a loser. i need him so bad.

“yeah i am. do you like it?”

“well if you’re not going to change, and you’re just going to hang around here for a few hours...then i have an idea.”

he thinks i dont notice he conveniently didnt answer my question. san pulls up his notes and books, putting it down on the bed. i look at him with disgust.

“let’s study,” he has the nerve to smile at me. 

i poke my cheek with my tongue. “what if i dont want to?”

“then i wont be your date to that thing.”

he’s impossible. “geez, why are you making me learn bio on a weekend?” i whine.

san props himself down on the bed, putting on his glasses as he picks up the notes. he leans on his elbow, smiling up at me. is he..seducing me?

“cmon marino, i dont have all day.”

mmm. addressing me by my surname. a shudder runs through me. everyone calls me by my last name, but it sounds like heaven coming from him. he really is seducing me, worst part is, its working. which is cheating, its not like he had to work hard.

i throw myself down next to him, smiling against my will. 

“i’ll be in the other room, trying Not to throw up.” wooyoung interrupts, walking through the other room and slamming the door as loud as possible.

san and i share a look before bursting into chuckles, and its like i forget every bad thing thats ever happened to me.

***

we get ready when the afternoon rolls around. san’s a punctual guy, surprisingly. and simple. he spends just minutes in his room with wooyoung, coming out in a plain black tshirt and jeans. wooyoung comes out in a camo bomber jacket and black cap, the both of them looking insanely attractive.

“you guys look good.” they smell good too, like those athletic bodywashes that smell like both a mountain and a refreshing mint. 

san looks down before muttering an awkward thanks. wooyoung is refraining a scowl.

“you don’t look horrible either, i guess.” 

“hope you guys plan to behave tonight. dont get me kicked out before i get enough ammo.” 

“ammo?”

“she’s a thief.” 

woo looks back at me, brows furrowed and all. “you’re a klepto?”

“no, i pick my battles. but with yeosang, its personal. he’s a dickhead.”

san snorts. “can say that again. let me get that loser’s rosies before he loses his shit for the millionth time.”

wooyoung drives us in his odd van, and im tempted to ask what junkyard he scrapped it out of, because seriously. it looks like its used for human trafficking, the black colour and tinted windows extremely ominous. its not subtle either, which cant be a good thing.

yeosang’s house is a massive Mediterranean palace. headache inducing lights with ear-numbing edm blasts my ears as san and i zig-zag through people. and i hold his hand so neither of us get lost in the crowd. 

its necessary, yet when i do it, the warmth of his skin wafts into me and i feel myself getting lightheaded. woah, i dont think i ever experienced that with jongho before.

i scowl at myself internally. i should stop comparing every normal and physical interaction i  have with men to the fucked up things we did and with a man who never cared if i lived or die.

we end up stopping at a makeshift bar by the outside pool, where people are doing flips into the water and lounging around with colourful drinks. yeosang knows how to throw a party, im sure half the people here cant even stand him. but hes just that popular.

“so whats the move?” wooyoung asks loudly, somehow overpowering the music. he leans at the edge of the bar, stuffing his bomber jacket pockets with his hands.

“lets wait till he shows his face,” san says, staring at the flashing windows of yeosang’s house. the party is even crazier inside. “its his party, he knows we’re coming. he’ll look for us.”

i wave to the guy behind the bamboo poolbar, asking for shots. we might as well look like we’re here to party. he slides me a tray of drinks and i pass it on to san and wooyoung. wooyoung takes the shot and has little to no reaction, pfft, what a tough guy. he slams the glass back onto the tray and nods lazily to the house. ‘’im gonna go take a look around for that bozo, he knows my handsome face by now.”

san gives him a nod of agreement, and i smile, internally thanking wooyoung for leaving me alone with his dear friend. i take a shot and smile as i swallow, till my face contorts into a sour grimace.

san wasnt even reaching for his glass. “you not going to drink?” i ask curiously.

“dont want anything in my system when i talk to yeosang,” he says, shrugging his broad shoulders. “that guy drains the fuck out of me.”

understandable, but i dont care about yeosang right now. i move forward towards san and almost instinctively he turns his chest toward me, looking down at me in a way that has my stomach warming up. lord, he is so fine.

“you smell really good,” i blurt. im not even drunk, i just feel my hormones doing a hostile takeover. 

san doesn’t say anything. he lightly licks his lips, no smile present on his face. hes just staring at me. i want him even more when he looks cold, i need therapy i know. 

“why do you keep doing that?” he leans forward, his hot breath lightly brushing my ear. theres a familiar warmth pooling below my stomach.

“doing what?” my voice is taut and airy. oh NOW i want to be shy? yaera, you’re a loser.

he doesnt decrease his distance, despite our close proximity. “you keep saying things infront of wooyoung. things like...that. why? he’ll misunderstand our relationship.”

i look up at him and our faces are inches apart. i just had to take half a step to eliminate the distance between his lips and mine. i cant hold back my smug-as-shit grin. “i like pissing your friend off. besides, whats wrong with him misunderstanding? its not like he’s wrong.”

“what?” i can see his body tighten. 

“i mean every single thing i say about you.”

maybe its the tequila making me bold. either way, i dont care. as long as choi san knows where he stands with me, im tired of tiptoeing around it like i dont fantasize about him every night. 

san stares at me deeply, for a concerning amount of time. just...processing. his delayed reaction is a forced chuckle. “wow. you should be an actress, yaera.” 

he retreats back a step, disappointing me. the air infront of me is empty. fuck no. 

“you dont believe me?” i raise a brow and move infront of him again. “why are you backing away then? are you scared?”

he doesnt answer. san reaches for the shot behind him, downs it quickly, then tosses the glass. he looks back at me, first at my eyes, then my lips. he pushes out a hard sigh before tugging me by the wrist, having me stumble into him. in a blink his lips are pressed against mine, my breath immediately hitching in my throat. his warm hand gently holds the back of my neck while im leaned into him, savouring the softness of his lips and the taste of his mouth.

its fucking happening. i pull away to breathe. god i dont care anymore, im staring at him like i could devour him, and honestly i could. i really want to.

his breaths are harsh, like he didnt breathe in that moment either. it ended too quickly, i want more. i need more.

“lets get out of here,” i say, unashamed. 

san nods, lips still parted slightly from the kiss. i grin and lock our hands, dragging him back to the house. 

i cant contain my excitement. my legs are taut and my skin is hot, and all i can think of is how his lips are warm petals, and everywhere else they could be.

we barge into the first empty room we can find. san grips my waist as i kick the door closed, pushing me up against a desk. i slide myself onto it, parting my legs so he can put himself between them. san does just that, his hands gripping my thighs and carressing them, until they flutter all the way under my skirt. 

i pull his lips onto mine again, hungrily drinking him up. im selfish, i want to be under his skin. i want to completely absorb him. i felt that way since the day i saw him and not even a fraction of that feeling has chipped away.

impulsively, i grab and guide his hand further up my skirt. past the safe regions he’s been cautiously touching. he palms me over my underwear, the warmth of his hand with its motion making me let out lewd moan. it makes me lean my body into him so he doesnt see how embarrassingly weak i am.

“take it off,” i whisper. 

“are you sure?” his voice makes me pool even more. the darkness of the room, the air thats so suffocating because its filled with lust. i feel like im floating, craving a high even. san feels the dampness at his hand and i angle myself toward him so he gets the message. he starts rubbing me over my underwear, his one finger tugging on the inside of the fabric, about to move it aside. im clenching emptily, wanting nothing more than to be filled by him right now.

suddenly the door wildly flies open, making san jump away from me. i slam my legs shut quickly, everything hitting an abrupt wall as the both of us angrily look at wooyoung. i fight the urge to scream, this guy just has the best fucking timing.

“i dont even wanna know what the fuck you two were doing,” he groans in disgust, dramatically shielding his eyes. “san, yeosang’s looking for us.”

san groans aloud, adjusting his jeans. my eyes drop below his stomach and i fight the urge to smile. i cant believe i did that. he looks at me longingly for a moment, his eyes telling me we’ll continue this later. i hold onto it when he leaves.

as soon as im alone i want to scream and finish the job. but i want san to take care of it. i want him to fix what he created down there. so instead i decide to distract myself. im sure i can find some decent valuables in this room.

***

SAN

i thought facing yeosang drunk was embarrassing. facing him with a boner however,w as something out of a nightmare. 

“you look red as hell. had your fun tonight, lazarus?” yeosang mocks me when i step into his garage. hes leisurely laying on a couch with some girl passed out on his stomach.

“did she come here out of her own free will?” i ask him sourly. 

“who? this chick?” yeosang grins and playfully twirls strands of the girls hair. “look at me. dont they all, man?.”

no. not all of them.

“well, where are my rosies? chop, chop. you owe me to be fast after being so fucking mean to me and sending people i dont know to do your job,” he suddenly snaps. i swear this guy isnt well up there, i got cockblocked to deal with a drug addict.

“wooyoung isnt someone you dont know, you’ve seen him before.” i sneer and pull out his stuff. i toss the pills to him and he catches it superhumanly, holding it in the air with a cocky smile.

“yeah ive seen his face. not of my own free will though.” yeosang says and smells the pills deeply. he doesnt realize wooyoung would beat the shit out of him in a heartbeat.

“you arent a fucking delight, either bitch.” wooyoung fires at him.

“most people would disagree.”

“alright, give me my money so we can all go back to enjoying the party.” i tightly say. i desperately need to go back to what i was doing. god i can still feel her on me. i cant think straight.

“money?” yeosang laughs. “youre not getting any money.”

my face instantly drops. “what?” 

“you disrespected me, and these rosies are to make up for the shitty service. its a gift so that i stay a part of your shitty clientele. i dont owe you shit, lazarus. all this is mine.”

i clench my jaw and teeth. “whats to stop me from beating the fuck out of you right now?”

yeosang smirks. “oh like you did to jongho?” wooyoung and i look at each other warningly. “i know everything. and that was seriously uncool of you, lazarus. this is personal, not just for me, but for jongho too.”

i dont see it coming. something hard hits me in the back of my head, glass shattering over it. i instantly see spots and the ground falls closer, till i see nothing at all.

***

NEXT CHAPTER

tagslist: @yujispinkhair @brown88 

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

hii! just letting you know that sfy fic was so so goood😖 one of my fav!

TYSM !!! even tho its full of plot holes 😭 i'll update really soon i got my tumblr issue sorted out so im hoping to have a new chapter out by tn 🫶

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF MASTERLIST

includes: slow burn | sexual themes | drugs | crime | gang au | toxic relationships | mental health issues | unhealthy body image themes |sexual assault themes | violence | death | angst | stalking | self harm

DISCLAIMER!!!: this is an ot8 fic centred around choi san. none of the characters are good people. do not refer to them as role models and this is not an accurate depiction of how i see the members at all, it is purely for entertainment purposes.

Choi San, a straight A student with a promising future, his teachers adore him and he is considered the model student who keeps to himself.

Yaera Marino, a rich girl who will get a life of luxury no matter what kind of decisions she makes. She cares about cigarettes and few other things.What is it they have in common?

Well, being wolves in sheeps clothing.They'll do anything, be anything to get what they want. And that makes them dangerous, especially together.

When Yaera discovers San's suspicious and secret life outside of school, she makes sure to pay him back...in blackmail.

part 1

part 2

part 3

part 4

part 5

part 6

part 7

part 8

part 9

part 10

part 11

part 12

part 13

part 14

part 15

part 16

part 17

part 18

part 19

part 20

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 11: SHITTY REASONS WHY

wc: 8000 and change i think

warnings: stalking, drug use, violence, mental health issues

prev chapter

***

"fucking 90% on your calc test, are you kidding me?" jongho said in impressed disbelief. he handed yasmine her test script with a smile, sitting next to her outside the botanical garden of the school.

yasmine covered her face as she felt it redden, her smile going embarrassedly broad. "when i asked you to get my script, i didnt mean look at it!" she whined.

"no, but its really good!" jongho insisted. "keep that up and these 4 years will go by so fast. you'll be out of the country before you know it."

yasmine stared at her test, smiling fondly. she was good at math and science and was really interested in anatomy. it fascinated her, the human body. she knew exactly what she wanted to go into, the program, the university. it was still early, but she knew deep down.

but the problem was her parents. her smile was quick to fade.

"whats wrong?" jongho asked her, concerned. "you went all quiet."

"its just," she sighed heavily, already feeling stupid. "i could call my family about this and they probably wouldnt care. or they'd forget about it in an instant."

yasmine didnt want to sound like the cliche rich girl that never got attention. especially to jongho, who also had parents who were in and out of the country.

she frowned and shook her head, tucking her hair behind her ear as she laughed awkwardly. "its dumb, i know. im happy they let me model for them and stuff but i feel like they dont care about my other accomplishments, thats all."

"hey," jongho's gentle hands found her chin, stroking it softly. yasmine gulped as she stared at his handsome face that were giving her pitiful eyes. "im here. i care about your accomplishments."

yasmine sighed internally. that was the point. the reason. all right there.

there was something about venting to a man that just felt pointless. especially when he found you attractive. he'd somehow always make it about him. or make sure he looked good at the end of it. as if he was some solution to all your issues.

yasmine couldnt stand it. but she loved jongho as a person. so she never spoke her thoughts.

maybe it was his attention. she thought if she lost it, she would be worse off. after all, its not like she had her parents. they were in their own bubble more than half the time.

"thanks jongho," yasmine defeatedly muttered with a smile. standard procedure.

"i can tell you dont feel better, you know. you should come over later," he suggested. "we can have a few drinks and chill. watch a movie. i can make you forget for a while."

she'd be lying if she said she didnt want to forget. things were bad at home. constant arguing. yasmine was always getting told she was the only good thing in the house. the pressure to not fuck up was getting worse. when all she wanted to do was fuck up. she wanted to let loose. and be free.

she smiled again. "yeah yeah, i'll come over. will it just be us?"

jongho gave her an awkward smile. "do you want it to be just us?"

just as yasmine was about to answer, a message popped up on her screen, the notification tone blocking her words.

shit.

"crap," she hissed, standing up and dropping her bag from her lap, and all her things at once. "its yaera."

jongho groaned aloud. "ugh, what now?"

yasmine didnt miss the disdain in his voice. but she couldnt deal with his hatred for her now. her head was pounding just thinking of how bad the atmosphere would be when she got home.

"she skipped school and got drunk. shes at the police station, she got arrested," yasmine said with a heavy sigh. "they just called my parents."

"of fucking course," jongho said with a roll of his eyes. "im not even surprised. shes doing all this for attention you know."

"i dont think im going to be able to come over because of this," and just by those words jongho's anger rose to the surface.

"i fucking swear. she ALWAYS gets in the way of things," he snapped, making yasmine flinch. she knew he couldnt stand her but seriously?

"its not that serious, chill," she tried to say, but jongho just shook his head angrily.

"no but its true, isnt it? she keeps fucking up and then you have to clean up the mess. why doesnt she just run away or something since she wants to get kicked out so bad? shes just making everything worse at home!"

yasmine felt guilty. jongho wasnt wrong. everything argument these days revolved around yaera. her grades. her attitude. how she was in her own world. how she didnt have any goals. how she was stuck in her room and couldnt put in any effort. how lazy she was, how much space she took up. every single thing was a problem.

but yasmine wished she could help it. she tried before. fixing her sister. but all it did was made her latch onto her like a koala to a tree . then yasmine had to cut her branches. and now yaera was going off on her own, not telling her anything, acting out in ways worse than before.

"i dont get why shes doing this...i just," she felt exhausted just thinking about it. "something happened but she wont tell me. maybe i did something. maybe she got her heartbroken. shes been getting worse."

"theres nothing wrong with her," jongho scoffed. "shes just an attention whore. now that youre not attached to her hip shes acting out to make you feel guilty. dont fucking fall for it, yas."

he was so harsh. "the counsellor my parents got for her wants to send her to a therapist or psychologist or something. they think shes depressed or has something going on up there."

jongho bent his elbows on his knees and sighed, staring at his shoes. "i cant believe she fucked up you coming over. i wish she would just go away."

yasmine frowned and picked up her things, starting to pack them. jongho looked up at her broodingly. she was leaving.

"i have to get going," she said with an apologetic smile. "i'll talk to you later, yeah."

***

yaera

im pacing tirelessly in the dull sun, grey clouds hanging over and my stress levels up to my head. san is sitting on the grass with his backpack clutched infront of him, jongho's prized camera inside.

that asshole is so dead.

"whats taking this fucker so long?" i snap, my irritation erratic. i just want him to face me. to dare be so callous about what he did. it'll be funny, really. hearing his bs explanation.

"hes scared," san says, annoyingly calm. "he should be really. this looks really bad for him."

i stop in my tracks and stare at him dead straight. "arent you angry?"

he frowns in confusion. "angry about what?"

"about how he almost tried to frame you and pin it on you because you're poor. you're not angry about that?"

san shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head. "im not worried about me right now. his stunt was cheap, but im not surprised. he'll get whats going to him, is all im going to say. wooyoung and i still have to have a talk with him."

"good," i say coldly. "jongho deserves whats coming to him."

san's eyes trail behind me and he suddenly stands up. when i whirl around to check, jongho is creeping up on me slowly, looking like he has a stick pressed up his ass.

"where's my camera?" he asks, giving san an annoyed look. "do you have it?"

i force a laugh and step infront of jongho as he tries to approach san. "im sorry? you owe me a fucking explanation."

jongho groans and looks down at me with disdain. "i change my mind. i dont owe you anything."

"what?" san asks harshly. there's an edge in his voice that makes jongho cautiously step back.

"why should i explain myself to you people?" he asks defensively, like a cornered animal. "she was my best friend. its natural that i have pictures of her. she was everything to me."

this fucking guy.

"pictures where she doesnt even know you're there? thats natural?" san scoffs. im gritting my teeth as my hands start to warm and twitch.

jongho lets out a dry laugh and rolls his eyes arrogantly. "shut up and give me my camera back you pauper."

"is it natural to have pictures of me too?" i bring up harshly, making jongho pause and look at me.

its the worlds most awkward eye contact. he doesnt look ashamed. theres nothing behind his eyes.

"i was going through a phase. it was grief," he says emptily. "just give me my camera back and we can act like this never happened."

"you really think its going to be that easy?" i laugh humorlessly. hes so used to getting his way.

jongho sighs irritably like this is some inconvenience, like getting the wrong order at a restaurant. "what the hell do you want, yaera? i explained to you, didnt i? i said it was grief."

"you didnt explain shit!" i burst. "and bullshit! you call this grief? you stalked yasmine while she was still fucking alive. you stalked her before she went missing. whats to stop me from taking this to the police right now to fuck you over?"

"no–" jongho suddenly steps forward, grabbing my wrists and tightening his fists around them. i stare at him in disbelief. san gets in the middle quickly and shoves him hard, making him stumble back and fall onto the grass.

jongho looks up deranged, like an even bigger drug addict than yeosang. "you cant take that to police!" he screams. "you cant. i wont let you. its all i have left of her."

"how do we know you didnt harm her sister?" san snaps. "you're clearly a sick fuck."

"i would have never harmed yasmine!" jongho shouts furiously. "she was my best friend dont you ever utter bullshit like that again!"

"yet you stalked her?"

"i was at the party the night she went missing, you idiots!" jongho gets up, practically heaving with rage. his dark eyes dart to me. "dont you remember, yae? i was fucking cleared before anyone else. i called your parents to ask if yasmine ever made it home. what the fuck are you accusing me of here?"

"i just want to know why you stalked her while she was still alive and kicking!" i burst out in frustration. "why did you stalk me too? what the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"because..." he groans and starts to grip his hair hopelessly. "i just wanted to feel like i still had her."

san and i turn to look at each other, neither of us having any idea of what that meant.

"she was slipping away from me," he admits pathetically. "she was seeing someone. she wouldnt even tell me who, but he was better. richer. older too. i just wanted to pretend like she was mine. so i followed her. i followed her when she met him. i took pictures of them together. and then the one time i didnt follow her...she went missing and..."

an empty ache settles in my chest and i dont even have the words to describe how i feel. i dont know how im supposed to feel.

"and yaera?" san presses on. "why did you stalk her?"

jongho lifts his head to look me dead in the eyes, a distant gaze of regret and resentment buried deep inside. "a failed experiment. i tried to gain some control over my life again. i wanted to pretend like she was still here. like she was still around. so i followed you and–"

he doesnt get to finish that because i drive my fist into his jaw, knocking him back a few steps. jongho holds his jaw as san grabs my wrist and pulls me away, turning my body away from jongho.

i quickly shove him off me, not even bothering to enjoy the contact. it feels like my head is going to explode from all the rage clogging up inside. i cant believe this.

"you're such a fucking loser, jongho," i say with a bitter laugh. "and so very pathetic. yasmine died so you stalked me and pretended i was her? as if you didnt compare us enough when she was still alive. you're a sick, pathetic fuck!"

"you're the one who wanted to know so badly," he mocks me. "do you want to know why i stopped? because i realized you would never be her. or come close."

i stare at him in disbelief. "it must suck doesnt it? to know that even in death she surpasses you."

i hate him. i hate that he weaponises her death to trigger me. i hate that he keeps trying to enforce a rivalry with someone i love, who i will literally never see again. i hate him so much.

"hey thats enough. are there more pictures?" san asks him coldly. "are these your only ones?"

he hesitates before shaking his head. san scoffs.

"so if we came to your house and checked, there wouldnt be any more pictures?"

"you're not coming to my house!" jongho huffs.

"except we are. or else everyones going to find out how mental you are," san threatens. "we know you have more pictures. youre going to give us all of them. and i'll.make sure they get wiped."

"why are you doing this?!" jongho screams hopelessly, looking at san. there are tears in his eyes. this fucker has the nerve to cry. "you wont gain anything from this, you know? you're just–"

"get therapy, jongho." i interrupt him, accepting his anger.

"arent you the one who tried to kill herself?"

"thats enough!" san yells above both of us, grabbing my hand and glaring at jongho. "we'll see you after school."

we leave him on the field to stress and wallow in his own hatred, his eyes never straying from us until we're out of reach.

***

San

the fact that my future could have been ruined at just the beginning of the school day fills me with a sudden hatred i didnt even know i had in me. i never paid attention to anyone at this school, never had any friends because the rich and entitled pricks that floated in the halls of mountain creek legitimately drove me insane.

its happening again.

its lunch and all i can think of is pounding that asshole jongho's face in. i know its not smart though, so i hold myself together. i'll wait till i have enough leverage over him, then, i'll put a crack into his skull.

i text wooyoung about it while im on my way to my eating spot. hes excited to beat the shit out of someone again, and i know im not supposed to encourage his violent tendencies, but this time i would. wooyoung can be a loose cannon, hes still in so much trouble for what he pulled with the black dragons. but that enthusiasm is exactly what i need tonight.

the kind that makes rich creeps like choi jongho pay.

as im picturing his stupid face getting pummeled, something slams into my shoulder. or rather, a LOT of somethings.

im knocked into the metal of the lockers, my backpack sliding off my shoulders and my phone crashing to the floor. i hear the screen cracking further, which drives me insane. what the fuck. i dont have time to get a new phone.

i look up at the culprits and feel my blood boil.

players from the soccer team. they're all watching me with disgusted faces, all sporting their black and gold jerseys. fucking jocks. i always hated them.

"watch where you're going, guttercrust!" one of them yells at me. great, another slur for poor people. these assholes always have a bunch on hand.

i dont say anything. i dont want trouble. i just want to get to eat before this break ends. i reach down to pick up my bag and phone, but both are snatched out of my grip before i can graze them. my phone is kicked across the hall, and my bag is lifted over one of the soccer players heads, sending all my books tumbling out and onto the floor.

"what the hell!" i snap, grabbing my now empty bag from the guy's hands. they all cackle together, sounding like a choir of farm animals.

"thats only a fucking fraction of what we'll do to you," one of them says. "we know you took those stuff from the boys lockerroom. jongho wouldnt lie."

"yeah, maybe you wouldnt need to steal if you went to a school that fits your tax bracket." another adds and they all burst out laughing again.

i can beat the shit out of them. every single one of them. maybe even kill them. maybe i should just use Miss A and ask her for a favour for myself for once. maybe then–

"hey hey hey, leave my boy lazarus alone whats going on here?" a voice interjects. i sigh and turn around, that horrid nickname coming from the one and only...

"yeosang-uh...we were just..."

yeosang wraps his arm around my shoulders and i look down at his short frame awkwardly. he smiles up at me, then at the soccer douchebags. what the hell is happening.

"you werent bullying my boy choi san were you, mingyu?" yeosang asks, his smile suddenly falling. "cause you know i dont like that shit."

"relax man," the guy named mingyu says, visibly tense now. "we were just playing around."

"really? not cool man. not cool," yeosang sighs. "if this is what you call playing around, dont bring this shit anywhere near my party, alright? you get me?"

mingyu nods awkwardly and beckons his flock of soccer assholes to follow him as they leave. but before he goes, yeosang whistles aggressively.

"hold on, boys! put my boy lazarus's belongings in the state you found them."

i cant believe my eyes. i dont know what sick social contract exists in this school, but yeosang actually manages to get the soccer players to reverse back and pick up my phone and scattered books. they hand everything back to me in a neat fashion, awkwardly nodding to me as they leave.

"theres no way you're that popular." i scoff to myself, pulling away from being yeosang's arm rest. i face him awkwardly. "thanks, i guess. but what do you want?"

he blinks at me, feigning offense. "what do you mean, lazarus? i did that out of the goodness of my heart!"

i force a knowing smile. "you want more rosies?"

"well now that you mention it im kind of unhappy with your customer service," yeosang suddenly glares. "you didnt check your messages again. i asked you to bring me two more bags."

why the fuck is he going through these bags so quickly? "yeosang how many times do i have to tell you–"

"i dont need you to tell me anything, lazarus. im the fucking customer and i lay your bills. you should be grateful i even put up with this, sunwoo never did this to me. he would bring me what i want whenever i wanted."

i cant believe what im hearing. this idiot doesnt care for anyone but himself, which i know shouldnt be surprising. hes addicted to drugs and hes a rich boy, but still.

"i gave you four bags not too long ago, just yesterday actually," i remind him bitterly.

he leans forward and shoves his pointed finger into my chest. "and im telling you. i want. more whenever i ask. when you come to my party tomorrow, i expect you to be my righthand fucking man. dont show up unless you have what i want, and if you behave you can even bring marino as your plus one."

he laughs at the end, that usual, arrogant laugh that comes with knowing you couldnt face the consequences of your actions even if they were right infront of you.

yeosang's mention of yaera reminded me of how he treated her and i cant help but remember what he did at yunhos club so many months ago. this guy is a piece of shit. im not any better, but ive definetely been too friendly.

he doesnt respect my boundaries no matter how much ive asserted. customer is always right? i think the fuck not.

"whoa, lazarus!" yeosang dramatically says. "why are you looking at me like you wanna kill my ass? did i say something wrong?"

"you remember yunho?" i question. my fist is tight beside me. one more provoking word out him and hes done for.

"yeah? friend of my old pal sunwoo? the club owner right? what about him?"

"hes missing," i say. yeosang frowns in confusion. as if he doesnt know what that has to do with him.

"damn i didnt realize i was supposed to care?" yeosang rubs the back of his head. "you guys are going through some shit, huh? havent heard from sunwoo in four months either. why you telling me this? i didnt know the guy."

"be careful, yeosang. behave at this party of yours."

i sling my backpack over my shoulders and walk away, leaving yeosang with his mouth hanging agape. "what the fuck, lazarus? did you just threaten me?" he yells after me. "i just helped you, asshole!"

when i get to the stairwell, yaera is already there waiting for me. god im tired. i just want to sit in silence and eat. i slump down on the floor and lean my head against the wall.

"what the hell happened to you?" she asks, looking me up and down.

imagine admitting to getting bullied. at eighteen years old. im almost nineteen for fucks sake. i dont answer her because i dont feel like it.

yaera sighs. "well then. i get it. this day isnt a complete fuck up tho. i got a buyer."

i hear money calling. she suddenly has my full attention. "for the rosies?"

"nope, not yet," she lifts her phone for me to see. my glasses arent on so i dont know what im looking at. "for the watch. i got paid a shipping fee and everything, some dude in india really wants it bad."

i nod, kind of impressed. "wow, that was quick."

"the transaction isnt complete yet, but the money will be in by this weekend. we can split the cash then."

"good job."

shes kind of efficient. i guess she has really done most of the things she told me she would do. now all i need are the results. im gonna start drawing up how much money has been coming in. i still have the black dragons cash wooyoung and i split.

i should give yaera her share.

"hey, before we go to yeosang's party tomorrow, come by my apartment," i tell her. "i have something for you."

she smirks. "are we finally getting to third base? we havent even been to first."

"what?" i cough on my own spit. my cheeks are flaming. "uh no. ugh. just...wait till you get there. but it isnt that."

"damn, you really love turning into a stuttering mess when im around, huh?" she teases. "must be my natural charm."

"charm?" i scoff, not really having a comeback for that. i go embarrassingly silent after as she waits for me to elaborate. fuck it.

"your phones ringing." she innocently points out after. i look down and see wooyoung calling me.

"woo?" i answer, sighing. wooyoung is a man who never listens.

"yeah yeah yeah!" he instantly screams into my ear, making me wince and pull the phone away. i put him on speaker and dial the volume very low so i can hear him on a normal level.

"i know you said not to call you at school but i dont really wanna hear from you either, alright?" he says, making me chuckle against my will. "Miss A got a job for us tonight. we gotta go to the night market in the old town. get some protection money outta them."

"can i come too?" yaera asks excitedly. i glare at her and shake my head before answering wooyoung.

"is that it?"

"yeah, then we take everything to changbin, he'll give everything to Miss A."

"can you do that for the both of us?" i ask him. "you got nothing going on right?"

"no way man! i already faced him by myself after what happened with yunho. he wanted proof we changed the license plate!" wooyoung says, sounding stressed. "and he's been keeping up with the news since the club. apparently the cops caught us on camera from a distant alley, but they cant recognize us."

my blood runs cold at wooyoungs words. that night was the riskiest thing to ever happen to us. everything was reckless from the beginning. the thought of my future disappearing freezes me up. it flashes before my eyes before i get a grip.

"okay, i'll go with you," i say with difficulty. "but you'll still pick me up from school right? you know what you promised."

my eyes drift up toward yaera. shes watching me curiously, not being very subtle about listening in.

"yeah yeah, you little baby. we'll go beat the shit out of that stalker for your little blackmailer."

i can hear the eyeroll in wooyoung's tone. i quickly hang up but yaera chuckles to herself, having already heard it all.

"i cant leave school with you guys, just fyi," she says. "you know my parents are picking me up. i can just go to jongho's house on my own, he only lives fifteen minutes away from me."

i nod, thinking to myself. the two of them really hate each other. i know why, but everytime they interact i feel like it goes deeper than what yaera's told me.

before i can ask, the bell rings and i havent even touched my food yet. yaera frowns and pouts.

"do you wanna skip class? we have evans next period."

"i dont skip class and i wont start now," i tell her. she rolls her eyes. "and neither will you. im not tutoring you just so you can fail again. you're coming with me to class."

she seems to take my words as a challenge. "and if i say no?"

i shrug. "then i dont tutor you. i dont like wasting my time."

yaera stares at me, a smile forming on her face. it looks devious but sincere at the same time. and like always im left speechless and awkward. at this point im convinced she does it on purpose.

"okay. lets go to class then."

***

yaera

“where are you going?” 

my father’s voice startles me as im halfway out the foyer, backpack on my shoulder and ready to leave. i didnt even hear him come in, ive been alone all afternoon, the empty house something im already used to. hes watching me over the rim of his glasses, a magazine in hand. 

“oh hi. when did you get home?” i ask. 

“half n hour ago. now answer me, where are you going?”

“to jongho’s house.”

“alright, I’ll take you.” he begins to stand up and i groan in annoyance. 

“thats not necessary. he lives 15 minutes away.”

my father stares at me blandly. “i know you’ve been sneaking out at night. i dont know why but im making sure you’re going exactly where you say you are. your mother is meeting with Santo as we speak, they are working hard on the gala. whatever you are busy with, im going to tell you once to stop.your mother does not need the extra stress, alright?”

i bite my lip and stop myself from laughing. i cant believe this. im kind of embarrassed for not being slick, but at least it was my father and not my mother. hes far easier to lie to. 

i dont say anything as we get into his car, texting san that ive run into a little inconvenience. hopefully they wait for me before shit goes down, i dont want to miss a single thing. 

the car ride with my father is empty and silent. im in the passenger and he avoids eye contact with me like a man facing medusa, something im used to after everything thats happened to our family. we have never been close, but its never been this bad. i guess its hard to face the only child you have left after neglecting them for years, knowing that most if not all of their hardships have directly been caused by you.

but no. i cant just blame them. my therapist always said that i cant control what others do, but i can control how i react to their actions. me wanting to get far as fuck away from them feels like having all the control in the world.

“how long are you planning to stay at jongho’s?” he breaks his silence. 

“a long while. you dont have to wait for me.”

he nods curtly. “i didnt realize the two of you still spoke to one another.”

as if he knows anything thats going on with me lately. i dont answer him.

“have you been sneaking off to see him?”

the question makes me frown, disgust pooling in my stomach. i would have probably gotten butterflies just thinking of that, but right now all i feel is sick. then i think this is the perfect opportunity to guilt trip him. 

“no, ive just been going out for walks by myself. i cant sleep nowadays,” i mutter. “ive been thinking of her a lot. i know you probably think im out drinking or getting into trouble, but all i really do is sit on a park bench and think of what it would be like if she was here right now.”

silence. empty, cold silence. my father has stopped infront of jongho’s house, his eyes ghostily staring at his steering wheel.

i dont feel bad for hurting him. i had to get used to him being physically there and yet being far away. i had to get used to saying five sentences a week to him. i had to get used to him never hearing me out when he was at my mothers side, i had to watch him slip away while he was right infront of me. ill hurt him however i can. just so he can feel something, or anything when he looks at me. anything but empty.

“dont sneak out anymore.” he tells me after five minutes of just sitting there. eyes still on the wheel. “or let me take you where you want to go. if something happens to you too, your mother will be very upset.”

“okay. bye papa.”

“bye.”

i get up and out of the car. as my father pulls away and disappears down the street, a black van comes around the other corner, stopping infront of me. its the same one san got into when he chased down yunho. when the window rolls down, i come face to face with wooyoung and his massive black sunglasses.

“youre lucky you have someone like san around, sweetheart! you did nothing to earn bodyguard services.” he yells, and i hear san punch him in the shoulder. “ouch! what did you do that for?!”

“i told you he tried to get me in trouble!” san grits through his teeth.

“yeah, because you were involved with her! this guy hasn’t once looked your way before!” 

“you dont have to be here if you dont want to,” i say with an insincere smile. wooyoung gets out and rolls his eyes at me.

“yeah right, as if im letting you drag san into your shit alone. wheres this bozo stalker you speak of?”

i turn around and see jongho’s room light on. we still have his camera, so he’ll have to come out. i start to ring his phone, and he answers on the first ring.

“we’re out front.” i say and immediately hang up so he feels the urgency. 

he doesnt come out. his iron wrought fence buzzes open for us to go inside, and he's waiting on his veranda.

"this is the guy?" wooyoung scoffs. "whys he a creep? hes attractive as fuck."

san and i both give him side-eyes as we approach jongho. his eyes are low as he holds the door open for us.

"did you bring my camera?" he asks, his shoulders stiff and tense.

"uh uh uh, wheres the rest of the pictures?" i ask. jongho glares at me.

"i...have it. i have it, just do you have the camera?"

i nod silently, walking into his house. wooyoung and san follow behind me, with both of them staring wide-eyed at jongho's massive house. its all dark inside, with only certain rooms lit up. just like i know him,living like a fucking vampire most of the time. maybe thats why hes so weird.

"the pictures...they're up in my room." he says.

"why are you slurring?" i ask, leading the brigade. "you still feeling the effects of getting the sense knocked into you?"

wooyoung loudly sniffs him. "nah, this guys been drinking. he smells like fucking hand sanitizer."

i push open his room door and find the place empty. its been so long since ive stepped foot in here. things happened against the lack of my better judgment. even when i knew it wouldnt end well, i always ended up coming back.

im lost in it for a moment, remembering why im here. "where are the pictures?" i turn around as something loudly creaks.

im staring into the mouth of the gun, with jongho pointing it right at me. i forget to breathe on the spot.

"give me back my camera," he seethes "and then get the fuck out of my house."

"you wouldnt kill me, youre too much of a pussy," i grit out at him, albeit terrified. "you stole your dad's gun just to get back your creepy stalker pictures? thats rich."

"yaera, shut up. jongho,put the gun down," san says, him and wooyoung frozen on the sides of him. "what do you think youre doing?"

"you think im kidding?" he snaps. "i want my shit back! you had no right to fucking take it!"

san starts to take off his backpack. "dont fucking give it back!" i scream. "hes bluffing, cant you see that?"

"shut up, yaera," san mutters, infuriating me. he takes the camera out to my disbelief, actually moving to give it to jongho.

just as san puts it in jongho's hand, wooyoung comes from the side and rips the gun from his other hand. he shoves jongho into his wall, the camera falling to the ground. i lunge to pick it up and immediately run to the other side of his room.

jongho lets out a frustrated scream. "you fucking assholes!"

wooyoung laughs mockingly as he looks at the barrel of the gun. "would you look at that? its empty."

"pointing a gun with no bullets, arent you embarrassed?" i sneer. "i knew you were just bluffing."

"now where are the actual pictures?" san asks coldly. jongho looks up at him hatefully, refusing to answer. a second later, wooyoung runs full speed at jongho, kicking him hard in the chest. jongho falls to his knees, and san rips his hair back, making him wheeze out in pain.

"tell me. i wont ask again," san demands. wooyoung is excitedly waiting on the side for no answer again, just so he can slam the end of the gun into jongho's temple. he hits his floor head first, coughing hazardously.

at first it feels good to watch him suffer. to see him in genuine pain. then i realize what we're doing. its getting us nowhere. we're just beating him up, but he still has everything we need.

wooyoung is pounding his fist onto jongho and only when i get near does he stop. "no more games," i say and bend infront him, his bruised face leaking with blood. "give it up, jongho. or would you rather i take this camera to the police?"

he raises his hand and points to his bed before weakly choking out, "under it."

san goes to get it, struggling to lift the heavy bed along with wooyoung. underneath it they find a file, it looks like an ordinary photography file as san flips through it. but then the photos get more sinister. dark figures appear on different occassions. only silhouettes of what once was.

"what is this?" wooyoung groans. "you cant see shit in these."

"leave it to ningning," san says, taking the file and shoving it into his backpack. he tosses the camera onto jongho's bed, and jongho hopelessly stares at it as warm tears spill down his eyes.

i dont know why im queasy. he did something wrong. he is in the wrong and yet i feel so empty looking at him.

"we took your memory card, so dont even try to get those pictures back," i tell him. he doesnt react. im about to get up when he grabs my hand and pulls me down.

"you took the only part of her i had left," he says weakly, but his eyes are angry. "fuck you, yaera."

i roll my hand out of his, disgusted and annoyed all at once. san comes and takes my arm and we leave jongho to seethe on the floor with his injuries.

my stomach is in knots all the way out, especially when its time for us to part ways. i know san has places to be and things to do tonight, but i cant help but feel insanely grateful for what hes done.

he didnt need to beat the shit out of jongho. he didnt need to come here. but he did.

"i'll get these checked out by that contact i told you about," san tells me while we stand on the pavement. "she'll be able to get you everything, time, date, where these pictures were taken."

"i want to come with you," i say. wooyoung gives san a silent but obvious look, clearly thinking its a bad idea.

san is hesitant. "are you sure?"

i nod. "i wanna see first hand. i'll behave i promise."

"okay. fine, we can go together then."

wooyoung loudly sighs. "okay this was fun, but we have somewhere to be, remember san?"

"oh...yeah." san awkwardly looks down at me and gives me another nod. "goodnight, yaera."

"thank you...for tonight," i say, kind of embarrassed. i dont know why. it always ends this way. hes so many different people in one day. but it always ends with this. i feel like we should hug but hes so extra distant with wooyoung around.

i hesitate to call my father, wanting to wait till they leave because i know he'll be here in a flash. san and wooyoung get into their van and speed off into the night, leaving me alone.

***

SAN

"i feel like you already know this is a bad idea, but youre still doing it, so let me pick your brain, choi san. what the fuck is going on inside your head?"

i sigh, not in the mood for this. i keep looking at jongho's photography file and his ominous photos from following yaera's twin and her lover. i wanted to ask him where he followed them to but i doubt jongho's saying a word of anything anymore now that he has nothing left to give us.

"earth to san???" woo starts clicking his fingers beside my ear. i glare at him and shove at his shoulder.

"eyes on the road asshole," i remind him.

"answer my questions," he demands. "what exactly do you plan to do with those weird ass pictures?"

"i'll take it to mao's granddaughter then–"

"AND WHAT do you hope to achieve?" he interrupts me. i stare at him flatly.

"what do you mean?" i ask in annoyance.

"okay so ningning tells you who the guy in the photos are and where these pictures were taken, best case scenario. i wanna know what the fuck it has to do with you san."

"her sister was MURDERED, woo," i say exasperatedly. "and no one has been arrested. no ones probably seen these photos before. this could be her sisters murderer right in these blurry shots."

"yeah but what does it have to do with you?" woo insists, giving me a deadpan look. "i thought you two were just using each other, so why are you doing all this for someone who blackmailed you into shit?"

i dont answer. why should i answer? now im just annoyed.

"fine, be angry at me," woo says with a sigh and cranks up the radio. "but just remember, youre getting way too involved. you wouldnt walk the dog of your evil business partner, so you shouldnt care about shit that doesnt benefit you."

"jongho almost got me expelled!" i remind him. woo doesnt react to my raised voice to my disappointment. "and why did you help me if you were just going to be annoying about it? i could have beat him myself."

"i HELPED because of YOU, idiot. and sure jongho almost got you expelled but thats not why you were so worked up, huh?"

i stay quiet out of irritation. i know woo's just gonna accuse me of shit and he already thinks hes right so theres no point in arguing.

"you're not doing yourself any favours, sannie, just remember that. its better to keep your distance and make sure you get your cut."

we arrive at the night market at the old town, the smell of fish and the cold ocean wind hits us hard as soon as we step out of the van. our masks are on, our beanies too. to these people, we're just walking pairs of eyes demanding money in the name of Miss A.

we go to different street vendors, collecting her 'tax'. wooyoung does most of the talking because he likes the theatrics.

"collecting for Miss A," he dramatically deepens his voice, leaning half over the peoples stalls when he does.

when the people respond its not the end of the month yet, wooyoung reminds them of an age old gang war that no one cares about anymore, that killed ten street vendors and asks if they want to end up the same. if not, they have to pay the protection money to stay protected.

"you're a sick fuck, you know that?" i tell him as we walk through the lit pathways. the place is lively, with people shouting sales and prices right in your place as you walk.

"what? im just saying what changbin told us to say!" he defends. i roll my eyes.

"you enjoy that a little too much. plus youre only supposed to say the collector line, not intimidate them!"

"says the guy who just came from.intimidating someone for a girl!" wooyoung fires back and i put out my leg to trip him. he jumps over it and flips me off as we exit the market.

we take a route through the dark alleys, as it keeps us out of any police view. they normally roam the market because of light weight brawls in the street, but recently they've been catching on to gang presence in the middle of it all.

i cant wait to graduate. i wont be here for when this all goes to shit.

as woo and i walk through the alleys on the way back to the car, we hear a faint rumble in the air. i stop in my tracks and turn around as woo continues strolling, acting like he isnt carrying extortion money on his person.

a black cars headlights shine on us, so bright i cant see the people in the front. its a sleek black mustang. where the fuck did it come from????

woo stops once he realizes im not next to him anymore. "hey what the?"

the cars lights stay on us, making my stomach clench. suddenly it jerks forward, rolling right toward us.

"oh fuck!" woo screams and we both break into a run. the car is fucking speeding on us down the alley and if we arent fast enough we'll be smashed into the wall or dragged under it. theres a sharp bend and we take it, but the car makes the sharp turn as well, still on our heels.

"ITS STILL CHASING US!" woo screams. its literally a few feet away from crushing us. i spot a fence at the end of the alley and i clench my fist as i run for it, bracing myself.

"woo, JUMP!" i tell him just as i vault myself at the fence, holding on for dear life. woo jumps just as the car crashes into the fence, not making it but landing on the hood of the mustang. he screams and collects himself and quickly joins me in climbing it, the two of us making it to the other side in a few panicked seconds.

we turn around and look at the mustang in disbelief. it reverses back without anyone getting out, disappearing right back around the bend.

woo and i look at each other, hes pale. i know im pale. my heart is racing. we just ran for our lives. whoever was behind that wheel just tried to kill us.

"did we just...almost die?"

A/N: IM SO SORRY IVE BEEN GONE SO LONG AND THIS CHAPTER IS REALLY ALL OVER THE PLACE 😭 I'LL DO BETTER NEXT TIME

also you guys should let me know if you want me to tag you for when new chapters come out. i also started uploading on wattpad. @amphibianblood if you prefer to read on there. warning tho, the story is behind on there 😭.

NEXT CHAPTER

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

🍃 ~Sage board~ 🍃

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF

CHAPTER 10: YOU SHOULD BE SCARED OF ME

warnings: suicide mention, drugs mention, sa menton

word count: 7111

previous chapter

***

San

when i wake up from my suffocating nap, yaera is tugging on my arm for us to get off the bus. i jump in my skin, looking out into the kind of neighbourhood i only pictured in movies.

my family was never really wealthy, but i know we always tried to do nice things. the houses and the clean streets and palm trees, everything around me just reeks of tax evasion.

"its not a long walk from here," yaera says, her voice sounding muffled. did she sleep in the bus too?

i cant hide my staring as we walk, feeling completely out of place. yaera's been hanging around my shitty apartment so often i forgot where she actually comes from.

it bothers me. i dont know why. sometimes i cant believe this partnership is real. there'd just be so much i'd overlook if all my needs were taken care of like hers are.

if its one thing im tired of, its surviving. just that. i dont remember the last time i had a good day that wasnt ruined by the impact of my fathers decisions.

we reach a white house that looks like something out of old hollywood. yaera stuns me by walking through the gate like nothing. i look around like a kid at a carnival, lost in the fantasy of how nice it must be to grow up around a functioning neighborhood.

yaera takes her shoes off in the front of her door, giving me some home nostalgia. i didnt realize a lot of people did that. i do the same thing, gazing around her sunlit foyer.

"no ones really home besides the maids so we can go straight to my room," she says, then turns around to look at me. "can i get you some juice? water?"

"do you have coke?" i ask.

"im not allowed to drink gas in this house. dont ask."

"juice is fine then."

she leads me to her room. her house has a lot of clocks. everything so simple and white. i pass by a wall on the way to her room, spotting a few baby pictures.

her room is even more bare than the rest of her house. everything i see...i never expected. nothing about yaera ever told me she has such a simple room.

it looks like something out of one of those modern home magazines. no posters on the walls, no pictures, no stuffed animals, nothing at all that showed her personality. not that i was an expert on that. but still.

"go ahead and make yourself comfy, ill be right back," she says and tosses her bag onto the bed. the weird sound it makes reminds me of the things she stole. she wants to sell them yet shes so careless.

i get up and walk around slowly. her room carpet is soft on my feet, better than the rough wooden floor at my apartment. because nothing in her room tells me anything, i go back to that wall.

im nervous because i dont like walking through the homes of others, but something intangible tells me to do it. theres a bunch of pictures of yaera as a preteen and a kid. she looks like a mess in all of them. her curly hair wild and her clothes hanging off her body like she played a rough game. and next to her is the girl identical to her, wearing the biggest smile.

it feels eerie to look at almost. knowing what happened to her.

the two of them are so tight knit, theyre inseparable in every photo. even though yaera is almost never smiling, she always has a hold on her sisters clothes or arm, while the girl looks so out of place next to her brooding twin.

i feel bad looking at it, feeling like im intruding. i hear footsteps coming up the stairs so i quickly run back and pretend to take my books out. yaera comes in a few seconds after, holding a tray of juice and a bowl of chips.

i shift awkwardly as she sets it down on the bed and sits down, roughly pulling at her school tie. her shirt pops open at the top, and i immediately divert my gaze when i catch a glimpse of her black bra.

dont. dont do this to me today. im begging my body to stay in check so she doesnt realize how starved of human interaction ive been before i met her.

"lets leave the studying for later," she boredly says and starts opening her bag. i frown at her, remembering what mrs evans told me.

in one of earlier periods, she basically begged me to tutor yaera, saying she was on the verge of failing and doing pretty much horribly in all her other subjects because she didnt try. if she didnt do well for the next few months, she wouldnt be able to go to any college.

"i dont think thats a good idea," i say, finally looking her in the eyes. her tie is around her head for some reason. "i was serious about tutoring you. it sounds like you really need help. we should get it done."

yaera rolls her eyes. "so im guessing evans spoke to you?"

"i think most people know you arent doing well in school."

"fuck you, san."

i almost smile because of the bland look she gives me.

"im just telling you the facts. what exactly are you going to do in italy?" i ask her. with the lengths shes going to, i know she has to have a plan.

"my grandmother from my mother's side, shes still alive. im going to stay with her. she owns a bakery and will take me in without saying anything."

"didnt you say you wanted to fall off the grid? away from your parents?"

yaera takes a handful of chips and throws it back into her mouth, exposing her chest yet again. i wince internally. i dont know where to look at this point.

"my mother got disowned by her mom a long time ago, when she left the country with my sister and i," she mutters, her tone quieting at the mention of her sister. "my nonna's family immigrated to italy from south africa years ago, so my mom was born in italy. my sister and i were born there too, so my grandmother was really upset when she left with us. they never talk, so i know im safe with her."

"how old were you when you left italy?"

"eleven," she answers, smiling fondly to herself. shes pretty when shes not plotting or wearing her insufferably sly smirk.

"we still go back and forth a lot. because of my parents business. i stay here for school and go back for vacations and holidays."

it must be nice, i think. im surprised shes handing out information so freely. i guess she does really trust me.

"maybe we can visit each other," she suddenly says, the smirk ive seen too many times hanging on her lips again. "when we're both wild and free in europe."

"you know england and italy arent down the street from each other, right?" i laugh slightly, wondering to myself why she would say that.

"so? you know what they say, in europe everything is walking distance."

i chuckle, i dont know why. shes not funny. its embarrassing how a week ago she was blackmailing me and now im eating chips in her room, listening to her life story.

wooyoung would be fuming if he could see me now.

he'd ask me why i was letting in a girl so notorious, so much of a fiend. someone so shady, who isnt at all afraid of danger. and even if she is, thats not gonna stop her at all.

i wont have an answer for him when he does question me. because i dont know why either. maybe im just letting myself have something for once. even if its not the smartest or sanest thing in the world.

yaera takes out the stuff she stole from her bag, snapping pictures of a shiney watch. "people will buy anything online, its crazy," she tells me slyly. "all i have to do is say free delivery and they come crawling like rats to a pizza slice."

so this is what shes been doing for money. "how much does it make you?" i question.

"a lot. i recommend it. even if there isnt a fixed amount, theres no way youre going home with coins."

she leans in to me suddenly, her bra poking open as a gold cross necklace hangs from her neck. i gulp hard. what is she doing?

"and i was thinking...if you cant get rid of all the rosies on time...maybe you can just give Miss A the money?" she continues on as if she doesnt realize how hot she is. or maybe she does, maybe shes doing it on purpose.

it takes me a few seconds to digest what she says.

"what?"

"we can dump it, or sell it ourselves for an even higher price," she says excitedly. "we pay off your amount and then just make double it. you know?"

i dont like the sound of it. im not good with finances, which is exactly why i do the rough stuff. its why im known for being the muscle. i still dont know why miss A gave me this shitty job, knowing i had no expertise. maybe she wants to get rid of me.

"lets play it safe for now," i say, stuttering slightly. im taking a lot of risks so this is going to have to wait. especially because i have enough to hide from miss A.

yaeras proximity is so close to me i cant ignore it anymore. her skirt is hiking up as she sits, her long knee highs distracting as fuck. im biting hard on my lip, the strain tugging in unmentionable places. i cant do this anymore.

"your top is a little...wide," i say suddenly.

"huh?" she looks down and realizes. i expect her to go as red as i feel, but all she does is grip her shirt closed and smile crookedly.

"my bad. i didnt mean to give you a show," she jokes. "wanna stand in the hall for a second? i'll put on something else." 

i can never tell if shes being serious when she flirts with me. it feels like everything is a joke or a lie. no ones ever acted the way she does towards me before. i dont know how to deal with it.

i get up and leave, hardly making eye contact. my skin is prickly and hot. i cant be getting affected like this. im such a loser.

my imagination tries causing my downfall while her door is closed. the clocks in her house are ticking and im trying to focus on them instead of picturing her getting undressed. fuck, what is wrong with me.

i reach for my phone, hoping to get distracted. but when i reach for my pockets it isnt on me. i go back into yaera's room, without thinking at all and  her back is faced toward me.

luckily it isnt her bare back. she has a pink tank top on. i lose my sense for a few seconds when she turns around, her top still dangerously low, and my phone right in her hand.

its open.

i fight my glare, i probably just left it open by mistake; but shes looking at me like she wants to kill me. her jaw is clenched, her dark eyes narrowed at me like i kicked a puppy.

"why do you have my phone?" i ask her cautiously.

"why do you have this picture on your phone?" she says back, cold as ice.

my mind goes blank. "what?"

she smiles but its nothing sweet. "yeosang emailed you. he wants to meet you for drugs. now tell me why he sent you this picture?"

oh. the picture of her with that older guy. the colour feels like its leaving my body. oh fuck.

"i-i can explain–"

"i noticed you got it a day after we met. were you trying to get leverage on me?"

im embarrassed. i dont know what to say. but my brain tells me to just be honest. theres no way they can look any worse.

"yeah, i was," i admit. she scoffs and rolls her eyes. "i wanted something on you the way you had something on me. but i dont plan on using that. ever."

"thats supposed to make me feel better?" she questions angrily.

"well, you still have that video of me dealing drugs. do you think that makes me feel better?"

she clamps her mouth shut and bites her lip in frustration, tossing my phone to the bed. i want to approach her but i feel like shes about to kick me out of her house.

she cant be mad. i know its fucked up but i was just getting even. i hope this doesnt ruin everything we tried establishing a day ago. that would be so exhausting.

she drops onto her bed, pushing her hair back as she glares onto the ground. "fuck that asshole, yeosang. that picture is useless anyway."

i frown and finally get the courage to move to sit next to her. "what do you mean?" i ask.

she scoffs again, a forced smile on her face. "because that isnt me. its my sister."

my blood pauses in my veins as i look at her. yaera sighs, the look on her face distant and pained. what?

"but yeosang–"

"is a fucking idiot," she finishes off coldly. "he leaked that picture of her days after she went missing. everyone thought she ran away and was rebelling so brands started dropping her. my parents threatened to sue and he swore to delete it. my parents made me step up and announce that i was the one in the picture so that yasmines name would stop getting slandered. so they called me a whore instead."

she chuckles darkly. "i guess it was easier to believe i was the whore and not her. they werent expecting her to be a bag of bones at the bottom of a canyon."

what the fuck. i bend my elbows on my knees and rub my face because i dont know what to say. yeosang is such a fucking asshole.

"i'll delete the pic," i say heavily. "i didnt know. yeosang said it was you."

"most people believe it is. to this day. but nah, thats my innocent sister in the arms of some guy."

"what the fuck is that angle?" i ask her in disbelief. "it doesnt look like she knows she was being watched."

"i dont think she did," yaera admits frighteningly calm. she reaches for something in her bag, and pulls out the camera she stole.

"i think my sister was being stalked. and i think that person is stalking me too."

"what?" i raise my voice. shes dead serious.

yaera holds the camera towards me, showing me a folder. when i look at the pictures inside, my face goes icy. hundreds of pictures of her at school, smoking, sitting around, completely unaware that a camera is on her. then as i scroll further down, i see the exact same picture yeosang sent me.

the original.

"what the fuck?" i whisper and shake my head. "we have to take this to your parents. or the police. what if this is the same person who killed your sister?"

yaera nearly drops the camera and i swear she looks like all the colour has drained from her face. she feels her head and shivers. "i-i think im going to be sick."

"i'll go get a cold rag. hold on."

i get up but she pulls me back by my shirt, shaking her head. "no please. just stay here," she almost begs.

we have to do something about this. this means the stalker is a student, or even worse, a teacher.

it cant be the guy in the picture, hes older and hes being watched too. it has to be a student, and it has to be someone part of the soccer team.

"did yeosang ever say where he got this picture?" i ask her.

she gulps and shakes her head. "no he said it was sent to him. and because he knows everyone, he was told to leak it. so he did. he thought it was from her or someone else saying that shes safe and alive. but...then..."

she takes a deep breath, and it sounds like theyre getting smaller. her chest is rising and falling harder than usual, a slight whistle in her breathing. i reach for her bag and rummage through it, finding her asthma pump.

"take this," i tell her and hand it to her. she takes two puffs, her breathing harsher than before. shes almost shaking.

"ill go with you," i tell her firmly. "to the police, or to your parents. we can show them this. you might be in danger."

"they wont do anything," she says defeatedly. "the police buried the case and i would just be bringing up old wounds to my parents. so much has happened...they wouldnt believe me."

"but we have evidence right here!" i groan, unable to believe what im hearing. "youre just going to accept this?"

"what do you want me to do?" she snaps her head at me. "do you want us to find this guy? then what?"

i clench my jaw thinking of it. hes probably some sick fuck getting off to pictures of yaera and a dead girl. how fucked up do you have to be to still hold onto this?

"we kill him."

"what?" she looks at me horrified. "what the fuck are you talking about?"

"okay fine, we dont kill him. but lets fuck him up, or get him in trouble. because this is messed up. i can find out who this belongs to. just give me your word and i will."

yaera nods with difficulty, looking like shes choking down sobs. this day has taken a completely different turn, we havent even gotten to studying yet.

my phone rings and buzzes again. i look at it. its the thirtieth call yeosang has given me. i pick up in annoyance and nearly growl into the phone. "what the fuck do you want?"

"fucking finally!" he screams, making me pull the phone away from my ear. "you asshole! ive been tryna reach you all day? you finally out of marino's ass? can i fucking talk to you?"

"what do you need?" i grit out because unfortunately i need this fucker and his money.

"i need you to give me like four bags before saturday. ill pay you today, okay? this shit is addictive im literally shaking and if you dont deliver im gonna fucking beat your ass, okay? im thirsty!" yeosang demands, his voice unhinged and feral.

"when do you need it?"

"did you not hear me? today asshole! drop it at the rockstar cafe near school. one of my girlfriends work there. give it to her."

"fine. ill send wooyoung to drop it."

"fucking thank you. god, was that so hard?–"

i hang up on him and turn my attention back on yaera. shes looking at me with a closed off glint in her soft brown eyes, her lips slightly pouted. i stare at them a little too long, against my will.

"how do you know yeosang?" she asks me suddenly. "or more, how did you start selling drugs to him?"

i cant for the life of me find out why she wants to know that. i did tell her i would let her know anything she wants, so i guess i should be fair.

"he knew one of yunho's guys," i say. "he used to sell him drugs when he went clubbing. long story short, the guy died and yunho asked me to start supplying yeosang instead. he was surprised when he found out we were at the same school."

"and he kept quiet?" she asks in genuine disbelief. "yeosang? the guy who tells everyone with whom and where he has sex? the guy who cant keep a secret for shit? that guy?"

"yunho warned me about him. i have a little leverage on him to make sure he doesnt squeal."

her eyes suddenly light up with that dark, mischevious flare she uses when she wants something. "what kind of leverage?"

"before i tell you, whats your relationship with yeosang?"

"he tried to fuck me," she says crudely, making my mouth nearly drop open. "and he knew my sister. he tried to fuck us both actually. and when i didnt let him he went around spreading rumors about me. he still does it to this day."

okay so she has it out for him. and rightfully so. everytime i hear about yeosang hes out disappointing his parents.

"his scandal is kinda fitting then," i chuckle humorlessly. "he had sex with this girl at one of yunhos clubs. he drugged her drink. yunho has it all on camera."

yaeras face morphs into disgust. "thats not fucking sex thats...he literally...oh my god."

"i know," i sigh. "hes a real piece of shit. yunho had his hands on that. and now it belongs to the gang. he knows if he speaks, his life is over."

"how the fuck did yunho record it?"

"he used to record everything in his club. hes was one sick fuck. there were cameras in every corner of that club. every single one. its how the police busted him. luckily for yeosang, his video already made it out of there beforehand."

yaera shakes her head and grips her hair. "this shit is fucking crazy."

thats my life. shes horrifed. i can feel it. but she wanted this. she wanted to be a part of it. luckily it wont be her forever. i dont know when it will end for me.

***

i tried my best to tutor yaera after the revelation of all the upsetting news. she struggled to pay attention, i could tell. her answers were all delayed and she kept zoning out on the diagrams.

at some point i accept we wont get any work done today. i look outside and see its getting late. yeosang is ringing my phone again, as well as wooyoung. i realize i have stops to make.

i close my textbook which happens to be open on the diagram of the heart. yaera blinks slowly, then sits up when she realizes we're done.

"oh. sorry," she mutters. "i wasnt really a good student today, huh?"

i shrug, its not a big deal right now. "we can try again tomorrow. you have a lot on your plate."

"thank you." she says in the smallest voice. its humble coming from her.

i open my bag and shove my books in and she helps me pack. eventually she hands me the camera.

"you take it," her voice is tired and flat. "do whatever you need to with it. i dont want in the house, im going to stare at the pictures all night and its gonna make me sick."

"ill take it away tonight," i tell her. "you remember the mongols? those guys you met when you followed me the first time?"

"yeah?"

"theyre my dads old gang. they do favours for me sometimes because they feel bad for ruining my life. i can get in touch with mao's niece. shes a hacker. i'll take the camera to her and see what she can do."

"thanks. i'd go with you but my parents are gonna be home anytime soon," she sighs. "be careful."

i swing my bag onto my shoulder and we walk out of her house. we schedule to study sometime on the weekend again, right before yeosang's party.

when we get outside the sky is almost pitch black, except for a faint line of blue over the roofs of the mansions. its going to be a nightmare to get transport this time around. i decide to call an uber.

"i wanted to ask you," yaera says as we wait in silence on the pavement. "theres this thing coming up with my family. like...an event for that photoshoot i did. and i need a date."

i raise an eyebrow. is she seriously asking me to go to a fancy event with her family? me? the poster boy for poverty?

"dont look at me like that," she punches my arm lightly, scowling. "im not into you or anything. i want you to meet the models im dealing to. theyre going to be there."

i narrow my eyes at her. "you want to deal at your parents party?"

"no, san. i wanna see you in a suit and drool over how hot you look."

my mouth hangs open at how completely serious she sounds while saying it. i nervously look away and wipe my face with a sigh, irritated by how easily she affects me. she bursts out laughing and my embarrassment worsens.

"you keep asking me dumb questions. obviously! and dont worry about the suit, ill get you one myself."

i dont meet her gaze even though i can feel her staring at me. "so you didnt mean what you said before that?"

she comes to stand right infront of me, that devious smirk on her lips once again. goddamn it. i fail to look away, not wanting to be intimdated except i am.

"about wanting to drool over you?" she asks lowly, her smirk dripping with smugness. "you want me to mean that, choi san?"

my body is abnormally fucking hot. i hear a horn beep a few feet away and see a black toyota waiting. thank god. i clear my throat awkwardly and tighten my hand on the strap of my backpack.

"i gotta go. i'll text you." i say and scurry away as fast as i can.

yaera waves slowly to me when i get into the car and look at her through the window. i need to keep myself in check, no matter how difficult she makes it.

on the way home i get texts from wooyoung complaining about yeosang and about me taking my sweet time at yaera's house. hes convinced we're having unprotected sex everytime hes not in the room.

my face warms again as an image appears and quickly vanishes from my mind. that wouldnt be the worst thing in the world, right?

no. what the fuck san. get it together. what the hell did you just think.

it was the grief and trauma from seeing yunho get sliced up. im convinced. no way would i be having these disorderly thoughts unprovoked.

the uber drops me off infront of a tattoo parlour, aespa. mao's niece is a tattoo artist here. ive only visited a few times, mostly doing errands.

its evening so the place is shut down, but i know shes here. i slam my hand onto the door and peer through the glass waiting for her to show up. it takes me a few aggressive policeman knocks before she eventually comes strutting out through the dark shop, scowling at me.

she unlocks the door and glares at me. "what the hell? do you pay to knock down my door like this?" she snaps.

"hey, ningning, right?" i say. "im san. you know me right?"

she squints her eyes at me and then clicks her fingers. "ah...that guys kid. i dunno his name. tekken?"

"yeah. can i come in?" i sigh. 

she opens the door and flicks the lights on, allowing me to pass through. her hair is bright red and she has two full sleeves on both her arms. last time i visited she only had a few tattoos.

"im guessing youre not here for a tattoo appointment?" she says and goes to sit on a spinning chair. it accidently slides across the floor and she tumbles out of it. she gets up and smiles awkwardly.

i take off my bag and pull out the camera. "i need a favour. can you help me find out who this belongs to? its urgent."

"mmmmm did you steal it?"

"not important. i just need a name or an address."

she crosses her arms and nods. "that'll be easy. depending on how long this takes me, ill give you a price after."

i scowl. "please dont be unreasonable."

ningning gives me a nasty look. "hey, my uncle owes you favours, kid. not me, i didnt ruin your life. this is not a charity."

i sigh and nod, giving her the camera. i follow her to a backroom that ends up leading to a basement under her shop. she unlocks nearly four doors to get to her station, and i see massive monitors and a sick computer set up that i know costs more than my apartment.

she lets out a sigh and jumps into her chair, taking out the camera. im curious because i didnt even know cameras could be traced back. the police do it, right?

"so how do you do this?" i ask when she starts typing abnormally fast.

she chuckles, and my eyes widen when a bunch of alien code appears on the screens. "come on, even if i explained to you, do you really think your dumbass would get it?"

i scowl. damn it shes right.

"you couldve just said no," i mutter pathetically under my breath.

"serial numbers kid. serial numbers. theyre a godsent gift. also photos. does this camera have any photos?"

"yeah, a ton." my anger returns just thinking about the creep and his 'hobby'.

ningning pulls up the pictures from the camera and puts them onto the monitors. i bite my lip awkwardly when she turns and side eyes me.

"are you stalking someone?" she asks me dead seriously.

"no," i scoff. "im trying to find the stalker. and even if i was, you'd have no grounds to judge me with what you do."

"i may steal and sell peoples information but at least im not a weirdo," she rebuts and sticks out her tongue. seconds later she pulls out a piece of paper and starts writing shit down.

"theres an account attached to the camera. heres a name and address." she hands the paper to me. i frown looking at the name.

"Apple?" i scowl. this feels like a prank. and severely underwhelming. but at least ive got an address. im going to break this fuckers legs.

ningning smiles, sighing as if bored. "too easy. i was actually hoping this would be a challenge. that'll be 50."

i groan in the back of my throat, feeling like im giving out more money than im bringing in. yaera better pay me back for this. i dig into my wallet and give her my paper and it turns out its my last. broke.

ningning sends me a wink as i make my way out. "good luck, Lucky. or whatever they call you nowadays."

wooyoung picks me up a few minutes after, a new license plate on his van. hes honks obnoxiously for me to get in, nearly waking up the entire neighbourhood.

"never send me to plug that yeosang fucker ever again!" he immediately whines when i slide in passenger. "i cant stand that guy. how does he have that many girlfriends and i dont?"

"youre not a rich sexy creep i guess," i tell him and then sigh. "woo, we need to kill someone."

"what?!" wooyoung screams like the human loadspeaker he is. "who? the blackmailer?"

"no!" i snap and glare at him. i pull out the address and show him. "this is the address of the fucker thats been stalking her. including her dead twin sister."

wooyoungs jaw nearly drops. "woah. yeah thats fucked. when and where?"

i look out the window, thinking back to how she said she didnt want me to hurt anyone. i would probably piss her off and scare her. who knows what would happen. she doesnt want me to do things behind her back.

"let me tell her first. but tomorrow after school, we're paying this person a visit."

***

Yaera

it feels like everyday i wake up i feel more and more like trash. the nights feel long. the day feels too early. i know whats coming. its getting bad again.

ive been called depressed by my therapists and teachers. then it quickly became an excuse. an excuse to them i constantly use to be bad at school and everything else. all i know is everytime i think my happiness will last it doesnt.

when i dont feel my emotions, i dont remember them. they become foreign to me, like nothing. but recently ive been feeling a lot. san has made me feel a range of emotions.

sadness, fear, anger. excitement. fucking arousal. he makes me feel the way a cigarette does. which is crazy. i never thought i'd feel anything for anyone like that ever again. not since jongho.

i sit with silent admiration as he approaches me in the parking lot the next day. of course he has his resting bitch face on, but its one of the things i look forward to these days.

my hands are shaking inside my blazer pockets as i lean against the wall, my nicotine addiction not fulfilled for the day because i spent money on hairdye and forgot.

sans eyes shift to my now black hair and an awkward smile (i think its a smile?) sits on his face. "hey. did you get my texts?"

"my phone died," i say. i actually passed out after doing my hair last night, completely exhausted and terrified by the information that hit me. all that and i forgot to charge and bring my phone the next day.

"oh. i guess i have to say this in person then," san frowns. "i got an address and name for you. of the stalker."

my blood feels like cold sludge in my veins and i immediately feel more lightheaded. my stomach churns. "oh," i try to keep a straight face. "thank you."

he sighs and takes out a piece of paper. "before i show this to you. i want you to know wooyoung and i are planning to go to this address after school. you can come with us to confront the bastard. are you okay with that?"

my mouth is dry and i dont even know what to say. i didnt think he would actually find the creep. i dont even know if i can face him.

i nod with difficulty and san gives me the paper. my stomach immediately plunges like a fucking roller coaster.

no fucking way.

"i couldnt get his actual name. this is all thats available on his account." san sounds disappointed. his face drops further when i meet his eyes.

"are you okay? do you know this person?" he asks, hands hesitantly reaching out as if hes afraid im going to fall over.

i just cant believe it. after years and years i didnt ever think this could happen. but it makes sense, doesnt it? everythings starting to make sense.

"this is jongho's nickname," i utter lifelessly. "and this is his address."

"what?" san raises his voice. his eyes turn into planets. "the annoying prefect?? the one that hates you??"

i nod and almost start laughing. i almost start crying too. jongho is my stalker. he was my sisters stalker. i guess i shouldnt be surprised, he was literally in love with her. but me?

why me?

i cant fucking breathe.

it all gets worse. i reach for my asthma pump and it falls out of my blazer and plonks onto the cement. san picks it up and wipes it off, placing it in between my lips.

he pumps it for me, and i would almost consider this romantic if not for the fucked up circumstances we're always in.

"do you want me to hurt him?" san asks me seriously. "because i will."

i shake my head and scoff. "and face a lawsuit? you have nothing and jongho has everything."

san has a terrifying look on his face. "it doesnt have to be me. you know i know people that would make him pay for this."

i dont want him to pay. not yet. i just want him to be honest. i want this to fucking make sense.

"i knew he was fucked up but wow," i laugh to myself, making san more concerned. "imagine he did actually love me all this time? imagine he loved us both?"

"yaera." san sternly says. "process this and lets talk later. we have class. dont say anything to him or breathe near him. he could be dangerous. he couldve harmed..."

the sick feeling sweeps through me and i find it hard to digest. i gag and nearly throw up, but luckily nothing comes up. thinking of jongho, the asshole i cant stand but also one of my first loves throwing my sister off a canyon after strangling her is making me want to off myself harder than i thought.

and the image never leaves me.

even when we get to class, i find myself

lost in my own head thinking about it. i cant enjoy history for the life of me because im thinking of the past. im thinking of my parents that trusted him. yasmine trusted him too. so much. she thought he was fine with just being her friend.

no, im lying. she knew choi jongho wasnt fine with being just friends. i know she teased him with a relationship that would never happen. i know she kissed him a few times, maybe did something more. i know she led him on for years and he never really gave up because he thought they were perfect together. she could be cruel about it, the way she kept him on a leash.

now shes fucking dead.

"choi san!" someone screams, tearing me out of my thoughts as the classroom door roughly swings open. everyone stands up as our headmaster appears in the doorway, with...jongho behind him.

my breath hits a wall when i look at him, and hes glaring straight at san. the soccer coach is standing in the doorway as well.

san stands up awkwardly, confusion lined in his features. "yes sir?"

"it has come to our attention that items have gone missing from the boys lockerroom yesterday afternoon. choi jongho stated that you were the only one he saw hanging around that area at the time. can you confirm?" our headmaster asks, making the entire class fall into hushed whispers.

no fucking way. san is going red out of panic.

"i-i mean i was there. but i didnt steal anything. h-how or why would i?" san asks.

"you're a scholarship student," jongho spits at him like hes filth. "its not farfetched for you people to get carried away at a school like this. youre already here for free."

"excuss me?" mr grüne, my history teacher interrupts with a glare. "choi san is a good student he would never do such a thing. you can ask anyone of his teachers."

jongho lets out a spiteful laugh. "an expensive camera and watch have gone missing, i dont care about his reputation i care about my team. and choi san is the only person i saw at the lockerrooms yesterday!"

"i didnt steal anything," san defends, clenching his jaw as he grips his desk.

"then surely you will not mind us searching your locker?" the soccer coach says. san's face drops.

i hold my breath. i hold it because i know san has the camera hidden in his locker. we were supposed to confront jongho after school.

"i-"

"you cant search his locker," i say, scoffing and bringing the attention on me. "thats an invasion of privacy."

"its school property," headmaster corrects me. san is looking at me like hes internally begging me to stop. but i wont because i need to save him from himself.

"if you think he stole your shit, call the police," i say. jongho clenches his jaw at me.

thats right. you wont call the police because once they find your camera youre fucked.

"this doesnt concern you, ms marino," headmaster tells me sternly. "choi san im going to need you to come with us to give your locker combination please."

oh fuck. oh no oh fuck.

san slowly leaves the classroom and i can see jongho smirking evilly to himself. no way i cant let san go down like this. they'll destroy him. he doesnt know how to verbally defend himself.

"sir i need to be excused," i say and immediately bolt after them. i pull jongho to the side, making him glare and rip his arm from me. i grab him again, digging my nails into his skin.

"what the fuck are you doing? let go." he hisses at me.

"call the search off," i grit through my teeth. "call the fucking search off right now."

jongho chuckles. "and why would i do that?"

"because if you dont i'll take your camera to the police and let them know youve been stalking me and my dead sister," i say. his face crumbles.

in seconds jongho's smug grin shatters into utter disbelief. hes taking too long. san is going to get caught.

"go fucking call it off!" i snap. "tell headmaster your parents found it, say something or else im letting everyone know what a fucked up creep you really are."

jongho runs and nearly trips over his feet as he chases after our headmaster. my skin is pricky because im scared he wont get there in time. im scared san will go down for this. for MY doings.

i let out a sigh of relief when all four of them come walking back and san isnt in handcuffs. but jongho is giving me a terrified look. good, he should be fucking scared.

"i want to apologize to everyone here for interrupting your lesson and also choi san for the inconvenience," our headmaster says. "it was simply a misunderstanding."

mr grüne looks like he already knew san was innocent and san shrugs it off like nothing. he looks at me wondering how i did it. i mouth to him that we'll talk later. jongho drops something on my desk before he leaves, a note.

meet me on the soccerfield after break. i'll explain everything.

A/N: AYEEE NINGNING CAMEO ANYONE? AESPA X ATEEZ CRUMBS?

next chapter

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

Oh you give author comment?? You give author little kudos on their fic?? LOVE FOR READER!! LOVE FOR READER FOR ONE MILLION YEARS!!

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF

CHAPTER 9: LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH

A/N: i made a moodboard for yaera and im really proud of it lmao

warnings: blood mention, drugs mention, suicide/self harm mention, gambling

wordcount: 8000 and some change

prev chapter

***

i remember climbing out my window that night. the moon was full, my stomach giddy thinking of seeing his pretty eyes. he said he wanted to meet me, i couldnt believe that what people said was true.

guys really were MEAN to the girls they liked.

being made fun of constantly? not my love language. never was. it reminded me too much of how my parents treated me, and i never found comfort in that at all.

my insecurities getting pointed out, getting mocked for the enjoyment of others. how could you like someone who did all those things to you?

i wondered that for a while. i was too hopeful, i guess.

that didnt stop me from doing my hair and finally making use of all the designer my mother brought home. i curled my fringe and the ends of my black hair, giving myself the look only a stupidly happy person could muster and snuck out of my house.

i didnt expect to see my twin sister doing the exact same thing.

our mouths collectively dropped open when we saw one another, completely baffled that neither of us had said anything. i wouldve told her where i was going, but she hadnt given me the time of day.

"i can explain," she nervously said, laughing. "okay nevermind, you first."

"no way!" i said, shaking my head. "you? sneaking out? fess up!"

yasmine was like the model twin to everyone. of course she wasnt perfect, she had flaws just like everyone else. she was a massive people pleaser, so i wondered just exactly who she was trying to impress with her new sneaky habits.

anyone that had my goodie two-shoes sister sneaking out of the house couldnt be good news, i thought. i was also impressed by how they managed to actually get her to go through with it.

"im just meeting...someone," she giggled dumbly. it was almost pitch black in our yard and yet i knew her cheeks were stained red.

"and you didnt tell me about him? who is it? someone from a rival school?"

my sister was dramatic enough to hide something like that. she had just broken up with her asshole boyfriend, collin, who no one liked, so i would have gladly encouraged this phase.

"its just someone. you dont know him."

i raised an eyebrow. "so when will i get to? whats his name?"

"im not saying anything, yae." she deadpanned.

"what?" i couldnt hide the disappointment from my voice. "but we tell each other everything."

she sighed. "relax, i will tell you just not right now. gosh quit being so codependent."

i frowned. "im not codependent i just care about your life. but whatever since you wanna be a massive bitch about it."

silence filled after a familiar insecurity rose to surface level. my sister knew how much i loved and needed her. she was my sister. some siblings were close, some werent. but my sister was my only friend. and all i really had. she knew that.

and sometimes she reminded me of how much i held her back.

she would sit with her massive friend group with attractive, sociable and fun people. she would always try to push me to talk to them or even make my own friends. i tried, i swear i did. it usually didnt go well. i never understood why.

maybe i was the problem. i could only really care about one person at a time. i didnt know what that was called. it took time for me to get close with people, the fear of being judged and abandoned an imminent one.

my brain always told me, my own sister would never abandon or judge me. we were blood. we were in this shit forever.

apparently i was the only one passionate about it.

"yae, cmon dont be like that," yasmine sighed. "i didnt mean that. i will tell you i promise."

i didnt answer her, only wiped the tears that gathered in my eyes for that moment. i crumbled up the letter he gave me as i rolled it into a fist in my pocket.

"its whatever, i guess ill see you in the morning," i muttered and started walking to the gate.

"wait!" she whisper-yelled. "where are you going?"

"ill tell you later. good luck with whoever youre meeting."

i called an uber to the address, trying to lighten up my mood on the way there. i put lipgloss on, trying to smile in my compact mirror. i wasnt really good with make up, but since i had a good feeling about this boy, i would need to start getting good.

this was the first time he'd invited me to his house. usually when yasmine went it wasnt a mutual invite. now i was going solo. he really changed his mind about me.

i kept impulsively eating mints, practicing my facial expressions and the uber driver probably thought i was crazy. when i got dropped infront of the wrought iron gates, he was standing there waiting for me.

in a white tshirt and grey sweatpants. he was so beautiful. he pulled his lips into that sly smirk i knew, as if he got everything he wanted. and being who he was, he did.

i mean, thats how i was here even though he bullied the fuck out of me whenever he could.

"hi," i said, giving a small wave. the wind blew my skirt a little, making me hold it down embarrassingly.

jongho continued giving me that satisfied smirk as he eyed me up and down. "you know its two am. i really didnt expect you to actually come."

i mean you asked me to. of course i would. im almost in love with you.

i shrugged like it was nothing. "you told me to come when i was comfortable. i thought this was appropriate."

"i see you dressed appropriately too. nice legs," he said, making my face heat up. "goddamn, model genes really runs in your family. well i dont wanna keep you in the cold. lets go inside."

he guided me into his home, his hand on my lower back. i swear i couldnt breathe. he never touched me like this infront of the others. infront of her.

his house was dark except for the light in the living room and up the staircase. the sound of my miu miu boots on the marble made me realize how empty everything sounded.

"are you alone at home?" i asked, kind of excited for the answer.

"yeah, my folks left for something in singapore. you know how it is," he casually said, showing me into a room. "make yourself comfy."

it was his room. i dont know what i imagined, but seeing it, it was so jongho.

trophies for singing competitions, soccer, and some even for academics lined the walls around his massive bed. he had a large mirror directly opposite his bed and a balcony that overlooked the infinity pool in his backyard. i strolled around in admiration, turning around when i heard two loud pats.

jongho sat on his bed and was gesturing for me to do the same. the led lights in his room were red and so dim, making him look far more hot than he already was.

i reluctantly planted myself next to him, my heart rate going higher than a kite. jongho licked his lips and took a heavy breath as he prepared to speak. god he was so attractive, i hated how much i liked him. i left my home at two am just because he asked. fuck.

"thanks for coming to talk," he muttered, his voice deeper and hitting the perfect spot in my ear drums. "i know it was kinda a lot to ask."

i rolled my hair behind my ear and shrugged. "its no big deal. what did you wanna talk about?"

jongho moved closer, now he was so close i could feel the radiation of his body heat. oh god.

"i know ive been hard on you for coming into our friend group and everything. im really sorry for all the mean things i said."

the apology struck me, hitting the thoughts from my brain. that wasnt what i expected.

"i called you clingy and made yasmine think you were a loser," jongho sighed, shaking his head. "she doesnt believe that of course, but im really sorry. i know i can be mean sometimes but its just how i give affection. youre cool with that, right?"

i nodded thoughtlessly. i was just happy to have him talk to me.

"yea, thats fine. i get it. im not that sensitive dont worry," i forced a smile, knowing his insults hurt more than anything. but at least he was sorry. right?

"cool, cool." he smiled down at me. "i hope we can be good friends then, yae. can you do me a favour then?"

"what kind of favour?"

my mind was running wild right then. all the insane teenage hormones were overflowing. the close proximity and how handsome he was, the fact that my short skirt had such easy access. choi jongho was a hard guy to resist. and i was failing.

i didnt hear his words, i was so focused on his lips and the cute mole in his neck, i acted without thinking.

i leaned forward and pressed my lips to his, softly grabbing the side of his face. i couldnt believe what i was doing. for a second his warm mouth welcomed mine, taking it in fully. then, i felt coldness on my lips as he pulled away.

"what are you doing?" he scoffed, his eyes narrowed spitefully. my stomach shrunk.

"uh–i–" i stammered, only to be cut off.

"are you fucking kidding me right now? are you deaf?" he raised his voice. "did you not just hear me ask is yasmine if interested in anyone? why the fuck would you kiss me."

"im sorry–i–" i couldnt believe what i just did. what was wrong with me. he wanted to know about yasmine. not me. what the fuck. this was so awkward.

wait. so i read everything...wrong?

"shit," he cursed under his breath. "this is bad."

"is that why you called me here?" i asked, fearing the answer. "to find out if yasmine is interested in anyone?"

"obviously. why else are you useful?" he meanly answered. i felt an embarrassed pang in my chest. "did you think i liked you?"

the mocking laugh that fell from his lips after made me flinch. because how stupid was i to think he actually saw me differently now.

to think that someone like him could actually like someone like me.

"youre so fucking naive, yaera," he kept driving the knife in, shaking his head with that taunting smile. "just cause you look like your sister doesnt mean you should have the same confidence. youre setting yourself up."

i remembered the first day i sat with yasmine's friend group, jongho pointed out that even though we were twins, i wasnt nearly as attractive as yasmine. i laughed it off awkwardly because i thought he was joking.

"you know desperation is unattractive as fuck, right? i cant believe you drove here at two in the morning because you thought i liked you."

i was shivering in my skin, trying not to completely burst into tears. my entire body was flushing hot with anger and spite, and the most embarrassing of all–heartbreak. because deep down i knew he would never get over my sister. it made me insane.

why did everyone fucking act like i wasnt worthy of being liked just like everyone else? but as soon as they saw the scars on my arms they wanted to tell me the same bullshit.

youre loved, yaera.

stop hurting yourself, yaera.

stop using this for attention, yaera.

i couldnt bear to stay a second longer. i wiped the wetness of my cheeks and got up from the bed, immediately going to leave. jongho got up and tugged at my wrist, pulling me back to him.

"you havent told me about your sister yet," jongho said, making my rage spike. because who the fuck did he think he was. "cmon, dont cry because of silly shit like that. its water under the bridge."

"i hate you," i seethed through my tears. "i dont know why yasmine is friends with someone like you in the first place."

"because shes like me," jongho taunted. "and thats what you refuse to see. you dont realize how much of a burden you are to her. you dont realize the only reason she hasnt ditched you yet is because youre related to her."

okay, so he was continuing then?

"you always act like youre so perfect," i spat. "you talk about how much of a burden i am? imagine how much of a burden you are to yasmine because you keep trying to date her. shes never gonna like you. you're just another guy friend in her collection, cunt."

i ripped my arm from his grip and stormed out of his room. he followed me till i reached the bottom of the staircase, where he just watched me spitefully from the railing. now he was angry? of course. pieces of shit like jongho were great at dishing it out and not taking it back.

i felt so petty. he could have rejected me normally but he thought he could say whatever he wanted to me. tearing the little self esteem i had down was fun for him.

i turned around and smiled. "you really wanna know what yasmine thinks of you? she doesnt. in fact, she snuck out of the house to meet someone. shes probably getting fucked as we speak. enjoy that mental image, fucker."

"get the fuck out of my house!"

***

YAERA

an hour has passed since san left me in his apartment. im worried and have a weird feeling in my stomach just imagining what he's doing right now.

despite the anger i feel toward him, i hope he's safe. that's all I hope for. he's hurt badly, looking more damaged than when he fought the last time. he definetely has open wounds. so i look around for any first aid. he's gonna need it for when he comes back.

i rummage through his cabinets. there's so much empty spaces but its filled with random stuff. this guy needs to go shopping. he has so much expired medicine. i find a thin roll of bandages and plasters in the very back of a cupboard but when i take them out, something falls on the ground.

its a folded up piece of paper. when i pick it up, i realize its actually a crumbled up picture. a picture of a family.

my stomach immediately sinks.

a young asian lady and her husband are holding their toddler son. it looks like theyre at a carnival. everyone is smiling, except for the kid. hes pouting.

he was so cute as a baby.

a weird feeling of melancholy hits me hard realizing the people in this picture are no longer around.

san lives alone. apparently hes been alone for a long time. i can tell by the way he operates. hes selfish, not even in a bad way. i get why he caters for himself and tries to keep away from others.

im not even angry anymore. it just makes me sad.

i put the picture back where i found it and go sit by the bed. san doesnt have any alcohol in his house, so i end up having to look up the nearest pharmacy.

i make a quick run for it, deciding to buy him some more medicine and fill up my asthma pump while im at it. i dont know why im doing this when he probably hates me. i guess im always gonna be a sucker for the men i like.

when i get back, his door is unlocked. i panic, but then i find him and his friend eyeing me like they want to kill me.

"where were you?!" san asks me, raising his voice. "dont walk around here. you know this isnt the suburbs."

i lift the pharmacy bag. "i was just getting you medicine. i threw out your expired packs. which were all of them, by the way."

he has a lost look on his face. i turn to his "cousin" and hold my hand out. "the name's yaera marino, san's fake girlfriend. good to officially meet you."

"im wooyoung. san's fake cousin," he says, taking my hand with reluctance.

"are you sleeping here tonight?" i ask him.

"yes he is," san answers. "we're sharing a mattress. you can still sleep on my bed."

i feel a pang of jealously. goddamn it that should be me.

i nod to san. "go take a shower. im gonna give you first aid."

san is confused, looking at me like he doesnt understand english. "you know how to do first aid?"

"i learned it when i was still doing karate. go shower." i chase him away with my hand.

san awkwardly goes off, leaving me alone with wooyoung. i quietly take in the boy, who now that i can see clearly, is obviously younger than san. i cant believe hes in the gang too.

"what took you so long?" i ask him, frowning. "i was worried."

"we had to get rid of the license plate," wooyoung answers, his tone curt and cold. "and you were worried? dont make me laugh."

his words are sharp and sound spiteful. im guessing he knows how san and i began this partnership. i hold my tongue and let him snap.

"you dont care about san. youre using him," he says, but still quiet enough so that san doesnt overhear. "i just want you to know, i can make you disappear at any time i want. all i need is the greenlight from san and you'll be scattered across a lake."

"you think that will protect him?" i ask with a wry smile. wooyoung's fist clenches on the side of him, his knuckles bloody and bruised.

"what makes you think i dont have a million copies of that video? that i dont have a plan in case one of you hurt me? im not some dumb bitch."

wooyoung shakes his head and laughs scornfully. what did he expect me to say? shiver me timbers? i literally know he shot someone tonight.

"and here san thinks you wouldnt hurt him. i dont care what kind of plan you have. if you hurt san, i'll fucking kill you myself," he threatens.

i wouldnt ever hurt him. not even in my dreams. unless he hurts me first, then fuck him.

"trust me, i wont be an issue," i say nonchalantly, sitting on the bed. i lean back and feel a pain in the spot where san kicked me. right above my boobs.

"i just need enough money by the end of the school year. then i'll go back to my country and disappear from your lives forever."

"do you know how much of a risk this is? what san is letting you do?" wooyoung scoffs. "thats if you even make it to the end of the year. if anyone finds out about this, youre both fucked."

"no ones gonna find out unless you tell them," i eye him sharply. i dont trust this guy but apparently san does, enough to tell him about our parternship.

"san has a hard life already. you should just get out of his life," wooyoung snaps. "if you knew why he was in the gang, you'd never ask him to do what youre doing now."

his words somehow make me feel guilty. but why? why should i feel guilty when san doesnt even tell me whats going on.

"woo."

wooyoung's demeanor changes when he hears san's voice. he immediately stiffens and acts completely clueless.

my breath gets stuck in my throat. san is standing there in nothing but a white tank top and a striped red pyjamma pants. his muscles and skinny waist are on perfect display. my mouth suddenly goes dry.

no. fuck. yaera, focus.

"what are you doing?" san asks like hes talking to a kid. i find it highly amusing but keep my face blank.

"i was just defending you," wooyoung says with a scowl.

"im not in any danger. like i told you."

"yeah but–"

"jung wooyoung."

wooyoung groans at san's warning and shoots me a hard glare telling me this conversation isnt close to over. he storms into san's extra room and shuts the door, probably thinking the worst of the situation.

i cant lie, despite his intimidating and handsome appearance, i cant take him seriously at all. i find it endearing that he cares so much about san that he even threatened me. so san isnt alone after all.

he looks at me and sighs, his face adorably awkward. the black strands of his hair are wavy against his forehead, making him look so soft despite the bruises and cuts on his face.

its embarrassing how quickly i forgot how badly i wanted to hurt him today.

"sorry about wooyoung," he says and comes to sits down on the bed. "hes just...possessive."

"you mean protective," i correct him and smile. "its good that you have someone looking out for you. you need it."

san goes quiet but is looking at me like he has a lot on his mind. right, he had to get someone killed tonight. how could i forget.

i take out the first aid materials and scoot closer to him. the warmth of his body is already wafting towards me, the scent of the soap so potent on his skin. its an intoxicating smell.

"can i see where you got hurt?" my voice is so hesitant it doesnt even sound like me.

san is slow with lifting his top. i refrain from visibly gulping at the sight of his beautiful lower body, my mouth going dry when i notice the large gashes against his ribs. they cut him with a knife.

"why would you put on a white shirt to bed?" i ask him with a scowl.

"the bleeding stopped in the shower," san shrugs embarrassedly. "plus this was all i could find."

i inspect the wound and it looks like he cleaned a whole lot of it in the shower. "it looks like i just have to put ointment on and wrap you. you need to go to the doctor if it gets infected, you know that right?"

"i dont think that will be necessary. ive never needed to before," san says coolly.

i cant believe hes just brushing this off. "how often do you get injured like this?" i ask him as i dip a finger into the antibiotic cream. i gently run it over his gashes and he winces. .

"now and then," he forces out, as if trying to hide that it hurts. "it wouldnt really matter the extent. i'd still have to go to school."

i roll my eyes. of course. the perfect student.

i rub in the ointment and it feels like my cheeks are on fire. ive never been this close to anyone. ive never done this for anyone. my hands are shaking as i reach for the sterile bandage.

"are we ever going to talk about what happened tonight?" i ask quietly. "because i dont want us to forget."

san is staring through my soul with his intimidating, and pretty brown eyes. i can see him withdrawing. hes already far away.

"i know i was reckless and im sorry. but please dont lie to me, san. i really fucking hate not knowing whats going on. i know you were probably trying to protect me, but you could have been honest."

i expect him to say sorry too. but only silence is returned.

"i wont lie to you again. ive seen the effects it has," he mutters.

"i dont want our partnership to be us just lying to and antagonizing each other. i know you dont trust me. but we're gonna have to trust each other for this shit to work."

"i do trust you," san says after a few moments pass. he tightens as i roll the bandage around his torso. "i just dont trust myself. and everyone else."

i stay quiet hoping for him to elaborate. i feel it coming. the hope is bubbling in my chest.

"i watched yunho die," his voice is flat, as if drained from emotion. "he got stabbed right infront of wooyoung and i. we should be used to it, we've seen tons of people come and go in the last four years."

i finish bandaging him and lower his shirt reluctantly. san watches my every move, and im surprised he lets me.

"im sorry you had to go through that so young," i tell him, genuinely. the look on his face is so distant that it feels like hes given up a long time ago.

"is this is how its gonna be? forever?" i ask. "is there any way out of this for you?"

i remember san implying that he wasnt doing this out of his freewill. which means his boss must have a lot of leverage over him.

"i dont know. im still trying to figure that out."

"what do they have on you?"

san chuckles darkly, his soft laugh full of scorn and hopelessness. "well, they know where i live, for starters. they know where i go to school. they know everything about me."

and his parents? where the fuck are your parents san?

he can see the question in my eyes. his smile is filled with gloom. "you can thank my dad for that. hes the reason all of this started. the reason ive been in this servitude for most of my childhood."

i frown. "servitude?"

"my dad...he was a shit guy," san sighs. "he was an alcoholic gangster with gambling tendencies. he made a bet with the 105ths he couldnt repay. so he took off. and when they couldnt make him pay it off, they took me instead."

"im paying off hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt, thanks to my shit father. and i dont have any money so i had to give all i could so they dont kill me. myself."

i cant believe it. san is basically in a slave contract. and theres nothing he can do about it. my chest feels tight.

"what about your mom?" i ask softly. 

san shrugs and lays down on the bed, looking straight at the ceiling as he crosses his arms behind his head.

"shes gone. she left when the gang stuff got too complicated. they sent a warning to our apartment telling my dad to pay his debt, in the form of a petrol bomb. it scared the shit out of her, so she took off."

"without you!?" i ask incredulously.

"while i was at school. i just got used to it. coming home to nothing."

what kind of parents...fuck. i cant even say anything. im just fucking sad. i feel a hundred times worse about blackmailing him now.

"the 105ths said they would let me go if i paid off everything. theyre still letting me go to school as long as i dont neglect the gang."

"what if you ran away?" i ask curiously. san stares at me blankly.

"they would find me and do to me what they did to yunho. or even worse. its not worth it really. im just hoping it ends soon. then ill disappear. for good."

and now im dampening his plans by making him share his money with me. god i hate myself.

"how much do you owe?"

"i dont know. i just know the deal ends when miss A calls it off. she deems how much is enough."

i scowl. "what? and what if it never gets called off? what if they trap you here?"

"im hoping it wont come to that. ive been loyal for a long time."

that doesnt mean shit when people only love using you. but i dont say that. it already means so much that san decided to say something. to be honest. i cant lie and act like im okay after hearing the truth. but i wont pity him. san deserves better than that.

"ill help you," i look down at him fiercely. "ill help you cancel out your dads debt."

san looks at me deeply. "thats not necessary."

i hold out a hand. "dont even say it. get a fixed amount from your boss and ill help you get it."

"why would you do that?"

my stomach turns at the question. i dont even know. i cant say its because of the mild lady boner i have for him. its more than that. choi san deserves more than what happened to him.

"its only fair, isnt it?" i say with a small smile. "i get to go back home and you get to go to...where was it? nottingham?"

he wants to study pharmacy. i wonder if he meant that.

sans cheeks are red. is he...blushing?

"why do you remember that?" he asks with a soft groan.

i chuckle to myself. "cause its weird as fuck. england? what the hell do you wanna do in england? seriously if you want to go to europe there are so many better places. why nottingham?"

san shrugs embarrassedly. "i like football."

"you? like football?" i scoff. "that's the reason you wanna live in england?"

"why do you sound so shocked? can't i like football?" he asks defensively.

"you don't even look like you've watched soccer a day in your life. i'd never guess that you'd like an english team."

san snorts and laughs to himself a little. my legs go jelly a little. i keep underestimating how adorable he can be.

"my mother is a huge soccer fan," he admits fondly. my smile is quick to fall away. "once we went to watch her favourite team play in nottingham. she was so excited about it, she got me interested in it."

i feel myself soften. "so you want to go for your mother? is she going to move with you?"

"no," he sighs. i must be shit at connecting the dots because i still dont get it.

"she's in Korea. i can't go back there. i had to give up my Korean citizenship this year because I'm not enlisting."

"so you'll never see her again?"

my question hangs in the air. san doesnt answer it, because even he doesnt know. he still has hope. i can tell. he just doesnt know if its still worth holding onto.

everything has gotten deep so fast.

"maybe we should go to bed. we still have school tomorrow," i say and lie down next to him. theres a small gap between us that i know neither of us will close. but it feels good to hope.

san tries to get up but groans as he holds his injured side. i push him down gently by the shoulder, his eyes slightly widening.

"youre too tired to get up anyway," i say softly. "just stay here. i promise i wont bite."

unless you want me to.

san looks at me awkwardly and nods, lying back down on his back. his eyes are aimed at the ceiling and i pull my knees inward as i lay on my side looking at him.

everything about him is so...i dont even have the words to explain it. i just have a feeling that everything will work out for us exactly the way we want it to.

"thank you," i say. san slowly turns his head and raises his eyebrows at me in confusion.

"for being honest. i know you didnt wanna mention all that. but thanks."

san doesnt say anything more. theres a  ghost of a smile on his face, but its enough for me to hold onto. choi san, maybe youre not actually that much of an asshole.

"goodnight, yaera."

***

san

i thought i imagined it. having her curled up in my arms. i felt it that night, her warm skin against mine and her soft breaths and hair on my chest. i told myself i was imagining it. because the morning after, she was gone.

yaera vanished like thin air. i feel embarrassed for everything that came out of my mouth last night. i cant believe i actually told her what happened to my family.

are you that desperate for friends? i ask the loser in the mirror as i get ready for school. the bruises in my face are so bad it looks like im going to have to wear a mask all day.

wooyoung comes out of the spare room as im almost finished with breakfast. he doesnt greet me with a good morning, instead he looks around expectantly.

"wheres the blackmailer?" he asks sarcastically. "is she also a magician?"

"her parents drop her at school so she left," i answer dryly. "morning to you too, asshole."

wooyoung gives me a bland stare. "you didnt come to bed last night."

"sorry? are we married?"

"what the fuck are you doing san?" wooyoung shouts at me. oh god are we really doing this at six in the morning.  "do you actually like this chick or what?"

"where did you get that idea?" i ask him calmly, knowing it will rile him up even more.

"maybe the fact that you slept in the same bed. youre letting her blackmail you for fucks sake–"

"wooyoung, we both passed out. with clothes on. and didnt i ask you to fucking trust me?" i glare at him. because why is he acting like my wife.

"i dont like this one bit." he shakes his head like a disapproving parent.

"you dont have to like it. all you have to do is let me do the work."

i feel my phone buzz in my pockets. i open it and see a missed call from yeosang. ugh this loser.

i open a message from him and its a birthday invitation. oh shit i almost forgot.

"woo, wanna come with me to a party?" i ask him. maybe he'll be less annoying if he can get the attention of some private school girl too.

"is it gonna be one of those fancy private school prick parties?" woo scowls, then smiles. "free food. im in."

"not to mention you could probably sell some stuff from there."

woo suddenly gets a burst if excitement. "that reminds me, i stole from that black dragon dickhead. we still have to split up the cash."

now that hes reminded me, i move to punch woo in the arm. "owwww!" he yells and shoves me. "what the fuck!"

"youre worried about me getting blackmailed when you possibly started a gang war," i snap at him. "when are you gonna tell miss A?"

"i dont plan to," woo says confidently. my face pales. no way.

"are you serious?" i ask worriedly. woo nods confidently. too confident who saw one of our own get mutilated last night.

"since im keeping your secret, you better keep mine."

thats entirely different, i want to say. i wanna argue with woo but the annoyingly playful nature on his face tells me hes not going to take me seriously at all.

"you know what they say," woo says with a grin. "out of sight, out of mind."

***

yaera

"youre in a good mood," my father notes as we get in the car that morning. and hes right. i cant take the smile off my face because i woke up on choi san's chest.

"i have a good feeling about this week," i say. my mom snorts, her eyes glued to her phone.

"and what brought on this feeling?"

its weird that my father is asking, because he genuinely never seems interested in anything i do. but since we're on the topic...

"miss evans got me a tutor. i invited him to come over after school today, is that okay?" i ask them. my mother immediately turns around with the signature sneer on her face.

"and who is miss evans to assign you a tutor? does she plan to pay for this?" she asks.

"uh? my AP bio teacher? you met her the beginning of the year?" i remind her. "and no, im paying out of my own pocket."

"good," she dryly says. "in that case its fine. the maids will all be home. as long as hes gone by dinner."

i quietly fistbump myself in the backseat, my stomach filled with butterflies. san, in my room, teaching me stuff i dont care about at all. what a dream come true.

best part is? he wont have to meet this family at all.

im skipping out of the car by the time they drop me off at school. i light up a cigarette as i stroll through the parking lot, feeling like a girl from some book who just landed a date with her crush. maybe life is worth living.

"marino!" a voice calls me. i pause in my tracks as i blow out my steam, turning around slowly to see...

...ah fuck.

"hey marino!" kang yeosang calls me with his signature douchebag smirk as he walks up to me. "long time no see."

i take an extra long drag from my cig because god it is needed for any conversation with yeosang.

"what do you want?" i ask him. he acts surprised and offended.

"wow, is that how you greet an old friend?" he shakes his head with a sigh. "kinda mean you know?"

i roll my eyes. "get to what it is you want, you know you and i have never been friends."

yeonsang clicks his tongue, his half smile not even shrunken by an inch. "always the pleasantries with you, marino. i just wanted to know if youve seen lazarus. since i hear you two come as a package nowadays. congrats by the way. you two totally look good together."

"lazarus?" i repeat dumbly. "who the fuck is that?"

"choi san," yeosang giggles like its the funniest thing ever.

"why do you call him lazarus?"

yeosang tilts his head at me like its obvious. "cause hes a scholarship student? hello?"

this fucking asshole. i toss my cigarette at him and he dodges fast enough to my dismay.

"dont call him that," i hiss. "plus why do you want to see him?"

"thats between us men, sweetheart," he says as a matter of fact. "just let him know when you see him, to give me a call. he doesnt answer my messages."

"maybe you should take the hint then."

yeosang looks at me with strange fascination, as if hes high in this very moment. its like he finds me amusing, hes just always giving me that stupid lopsided smile.

"i wonder how it happened, the two of you," he says with a glint of mischief. as if he cant wait to say something offensive. "its just funny how your type went from jongho...to him."

heat hits my face in embarassment. "jongho isnt the only guy ive had a crush on you know, you can stop bringing him up for every fucking thing. we never even dated," i say defensively.

this is why i hate talking to anyone my sister was friends with. all they could talk about was the past. not to mention most of the people she liked were fucking horrible.

"you never dated, but you were in love with him," yeosang childishly points out. "and even if he wont admit it, he probably felt something for you too."

i scoff. no he didnt. choi jongho doesnt love anyone but himself. id learnt that too late.

"i dont care," i grit out. "why are you even bringing this up?"

"yas would have wanted you to be with jongho. especially because he couldnt have her," yeosang just keeps boiling my blood. i cant believe this. i cant believe he just said that.

"i dunno how she would feel seeing you with...lazarus."

"shut the fuck up," i snap.

yeosang lifts his hands in defense. "im just saying because i care, yae. you cant just date someone you dont know. choi san might not be the sweet guy you think he is."

what is he even playing at? does he think san will sell him drugs if he goes around badmouthing him?

"and youre sweet?" i scoff. "you and jongho and whoever else was in that fucked up group? you think you can talk because you knew my sister? dont act like you ever cared about me."

"god youre so sensitive," yeosang laughs meanly. "i was just playing with you. and you wonder why you never got invited to our parties. youre just the strawman of fun arent you?"

"that doesnt make any fucking sense," i snap at him. "i can never get back the time i wasted having this conversation. mind your business and leave me alone, yeah, stronzo? and dont mention san to me ever again."

"dont forget to let him know i was looking for him!" yeosang calls after me as i storm off. i dont even need to turn around to know hes smiling, completely full of himself.

***

i only see san when lunch rolls around. all our common classes are later in the day and ive been obsessively waiting to see him all day. ive got a busy day ahead, my mind set on a very specific target.

i find him by the abandoned stairwell, and its like hes been waiting for me.

he shakes his head at me as i come, i narrow my eyes in confusion.

"am i missing something?" i ask him. "whats with the face?"

"why dont you check your phone?" san grumbles at me. his eyes trail behind me, where i turn to see jongho descending the stairs.

hes smiling like a prick. oh god. two assholes in one day.

"i guess the two of you dont learn," he says tauntingly. "this isnt a place for your dates."

"we havent done anything wrong," san says annoyedly. im glad he finds jongho as annoying as i do.

"maybe not you. but her," jongho turns to me with a smile. "i see your hair still isnt dyed back. you were given two warnings. one more and its suspension. i dont think your failing grades can afford two weeks out."

looking at him now, i dont know what i ever saw in him. im so embarrassed to say ive been rejected by this asshole like a hundred times.

i cant risk detention today. it would spoil mine and san's plans and would just be boring as hell. i guess im going to have to cave.

jongho smirks dreadfully. "why you so quiet, yae? didnt i tell you'd get you back?"

"look, im sorry okay," i say against my will. "i didnt mean to punch you. and ill have my hair dyed by tomorrow. good enough for you?"

san looks between us in confusion. i hope he doesnt ask any questions. if he thinks im crazy now he shouldnt ever hear of jongho-obsessed yaera.

"not good enough, sorry," jongho starts writing on that stupid peach notepad and i sigh. this time he only writes my name. meaning ill have detention without san. miss morri will love this.

"maybe next time you'll watch your mouth," jongho smiles at us before strollling away like the arrogant pig he is. i sigh heavily as san turns to me with narrowed eyes.

"why does he hate you so much?" san asks me annoyedly. "he just came here asking specifically. what did you do?"

"why are you assuming i did something?" i scowl. san gives me an obvious look.

"why else would he hate you that much?"

"because hes an asshole," i scoff. "i might be one too, but im nothing like him. my sister never reciprocated his love and he made it everyone elses problem. he also told me i should have died instead of her."

"what the fuck. he needs help."

"most people at this school do," i sigh. "speaking of help, i need yours."

san gives me his suspicious, pretty eyes. i smile excitedly. "im letting you into my side hustle. you remember how i told you i got my savings?"

"you said you stole most of it..."

"bingo."

san groans. "i hope you dont expect me to help you steal a car or something."

i roll my eyes. he must think im an adrenaline junkie or something. "dont be ridiculous. all i need is a look out before school ends. you think you can do that?"

san sighs hopelessly, surrendering. "what do you need?"

"get me into the boys lockeroom."

"...what are you doing there?"

"if i tell you it wont be special, would it?" i say and he scowls.

"dont do anything stupid. what about detention? are you going?"

i smirk. "obviously not. you still owe me a tutoring session."

san nods in a way that tells me he definetely forgot. how shameless.

"luckily for you, my parents allowed you to come over. and they wont be home till night and i'll make sure youre out of sight before then."

san nods. "just tell me what to bring."

the day goes by quickly until the last period finally rolls around. its geography, and as much as i love this subject, i end up skipping. san is having english and i couldnt convince him to skip, so i wait for him after school near the sportsfield.

the school soccer team are practicing, meaning all the lockerooms are unoccupied. its perfect.

i didnt usually target them, but the plan felt brilliant when i thought of it. usually i went for the girls, they were easy. expensive phone cases, airpods, clothes, and luxury perfume. all things that sold so easily online. people would do anything for a bargain.

can you imagine how much soccer gear would sell? i know damn well not every one of those players were using ALL of their gear.

plus, i need to get back at that asshole jongho. i didnt know his number so i'd just have to look around and guess whose locker smells the most potent and obnoxious.

san comes jogging around the bend, looking so prim and proper in his school blazer. i smirk in greeting. "you ready for some fun?" i ask him.

"i hope this doesnt take long, you know we have to catch the bus if we're going to your house," he reminds me.

i managed to convince my parents i was taking the bus with him home so they didnt have to pick us up. they called the school and made sure san wasnt a trouble maker and questioned his records. you know, a completely normal response.

"dont worry. i'll be in and out, lets go."

i take san's arm and we sneak into the separate building reserved for the boys lockerrooms. of course it smells like stale air, cologne and dampness.

i walk past the lockers and gaze at the numbers and locks. i check my watch. practice ends at 4:30 pm. its currently 4:00.

i nod to san and gesture with my eyes to the door. "guard while i get busy." i take various pins out of my pocket, having brought them specifically for this purpose.

"how are you gonna get those lockers open?" san asks me. i bend down infront of the first locker and start fiddling with my pins.

"lock-picking," i answer distractedly.

"you know how to pick locks?" san says in disbelief.

"you dont?"

"no. im not a weirdo."

"youre such a lousy gangster. arent you supposed to be street smart?"

"im not a gangster," san corrects me with an eye roll. hes feeling sassy today. "im a part time employee."

i cant take him seriously and end up chuckling. the locker clicks open and i find only a folded uniform on the inside. i rummage through the pockets and find a wallet. i open it and theres no cash, only cards. useless because as soon as its found to be missing they'll all be blocked.

i sigh and check deeper. i find a silver watch. its an omega brand. jackpot.

i slip it into my pocket and fold the uniform back. they should really secure these lockers better.

"are you getting somewhere?" san asks as he nervously looks out the door.

"of course," i say with ease and move onto the next locker. its slightly harder to open. i remember a specific scenario like this coming up in the youtube tutorial i watched. all i have to do is whatever that guy did.

it takes longer than i thought. when it pops open i can see san's distressed eyes glaring at me to hurry up.

and thats when i see it. the treasure guaranteed to win us a mini lottery.

"holy shit, look at this baby," i gasp and take out the camera, showing it to san.

"who leaves a camera in their gym locker?" san scowls. "that person deserves to get robbed."

"its expensive too!" i giggle in excitement. "its a Lumix GH5! you know the price of this? we're gonna be fucking rich!"

"who does it belong to?"

i shrug and look back inside the locker. there isnt much except the camera and a few pairs of gym socks and knee pads. "i guess we'll figure it out when we look at it."

i slam the locker shut and we're about to leave when san suddenly shoves me back. i stare at him in confusion as he runs out and i hear voices on the outside.

"what are you doing here?" someone asks him suspiciously. oh god. i recognize that voice. jongho.

"i...was looking for you," san says, and i can tell hes fighting for his life thinking of a good lie. "are there still spots left on the team?"

jongho scoffs. "youre kidding, right?"

theres an awkward silence. oh fuck i need to save him from himself.

"stick to the books, choi san. at least you dont embarrass yourself there."

"no im serious...i wanna join your team. is there anywhere to sign up?"

jongho groans. "im team captain, you have to go with me to the coach for this."

"lets go now then."

"i need to get something from my locker."

"uh...im in a hurry. can we just go now? i cant miss my bus home."

hes trying to get jongho away so i can sneak out. theyre right at the door. ive never held my breath so long.

"ugh! fine! couldnt you have asked earlier?" jongho snaps. "im guessing you need soccer for a sports scholarship too, huh? you wont get into any schools if you suck ass by the way."

i can just picture san's clenched jaw as he holds himself together around jongho. i hear their voices fade and steps grow further away. i stuff the camera and watch into my bag and sprint out and make my way around the school buildings. now i can jump the fence on the other side of the field.

i call san instantly when im alone, looking around for any security. he picks up on the first ring. "hey, im at the fence we jumped after detention. the bus stop is somewhere nearby here."

"okay okay mom, I'll be home right now," san says into the phone and im guessing hes making an excuse to get away from jongho now.

its funny how everything plays out. san gets to me within a few minutes and his face is red with stress. i hold my laugh in.

"next time YOU be the lookout," he says with a scowl and it makes me burst out into laughter.

"i thought you could lie better than that!" i nearly double over from chuckles. "you shouldve heard yourself. seriously youre a criminal and thats how you lie?"

"oh shut it. he wouldve seen you!"

san's angry face is really so adorable. he expects me to take him seriously like this?

"you should have hit him over the head instead," i sigh. "we couldve made him believe everything was a dream."

we jump the fence and end up catching the bus somewhere near my neighbourhood. the entire bus is empty, and san is on the verge of falling asleep, leaning his head against the window. im severely bored and decide to take the camera out to inspect the specs.

its such a good camera. i dont know a lot about cameras but i know by the brand its quality. i wonder which soccer guy has this hobby. maybe he wants to be a professional photographer.

i open the existing pictures and find random pictures of cars, birds, sunsets, and aesthetic places around the school. theres a folder named "her", so i click on it hoping to see something different.

...pictures of me.

thousands of them.

i feel my face pale, which is wrong on so many levels because im brown as fuck. the first few pictures are of me with a cigarette, smoking on and off campus. theyre from a year ago based on my hair colour. the other pictures are dated from two years ago and theyre filled with me in my school uniform.

the point of view is the part that leaves me cold in my bones. from above, places that cant easily be spotted. random corners capturing me sitting on my phone, bending over...looking around...

thats until i realize the lavender scrunchie in my hair. and the lack of bangs.

these arent just pictures of me. in fact, most of them are my sister.

next chapter

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF

CHAPTER 8: SHOULD HAVE JUST BEEN HONEST

warnings: violence, gun violence, blood, death, gore

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A/N: i started putting the next chapter at the end for convenience also this chapter is so messy the reason for the random perfect grammar and random parts with no grammar is because i got tired lol. thats all im sorry enjoy the chapter

***

San

"I really can't believe you brought a damn gun," I groan in the back as Woo drives unnecessarily fast. "And can you slow down? You want to get pulled over with an illegal shotgun in the back?"

He out a reckless laugh. "Unwind, Sannie. You know those fuckers are gonna have all sorts of excuses. Plus, Miss A needs to know we're doing our best. You know we can't have her losing faith in us."

I sigh and fall back into my seat. "Yeah you're right."

It's a fourty minute drive to Cita county, wherever this place is. My stomach is a little scrambled because of the mess we're about to make. One would think just because I did this often, that I'd get used to the feeling of sickening adrenaline. But I just couldn't.

The thought that something will go wrong drives me up the walls at every single moment. A man I've gotten used to seeing since I started high school is about to get cut up and devoured by the very gang that made him.

Its kept me up, I know its Yunho's own fault, but then I think of how badly I want to escape this. I think of how easily it could be me. That thought is exactly why I have to keep Yaera away.

It's exactly why I can't trust her to even be around this situation today. If anyone finds out about her, it will be a mess I won't be able to clean up.

I need to reply to her message. I have a gut feeling its passive aggressive and I don't know what to do about that.

I texted her all weekend when I should have focused on my test. But I ignored it, her sobbing on Saturday replaying in my head. And now I find out her parents have basically exploited her dead sister and is doing the same to her.

It makes me sick to my stomach. Fucked up parents who leave their kids vulnerable and broken before they even face the real world. No matter how unfair, you have to live what they did to you, when they were meant to protect you.

I guess we have that in common.

I decide to muster up a reply. Something must be wrong with me.

Me: What are your plans for tonight?

She's online. Her reply is almost instantaneous.

Y: I'm going to make a lot of money ;)

I narrow my eyes at her message. I wasn't aware she'd gotten a job. What am I thinking? Where would Yaera actually get a job? She probably plans to steal something.

Me: Don't get into any trouble.

I don't know what I'm doing by sending that message. I sound like her father and I know she probably won't listen anyway.

Y: You know I can't promise that. Anyway, shouldn't you be paying attention to your cousin?

"What are you smiling at on your phone there?" Woo asks me suddenly, making me lift my head. His eyes are teasing in the rearview mirror. "Your little girlfriend?"

I roll my eyes. "Why don't you focus on the road, asshole?"

"It is her!" Woo obnoxiously cooes. I swear I need to get him a girlfriend so he can stop worrying about what I do. "What did she do? Did she send you a cute message?"

Yeah, she's planning to commit theft. The usual.

"She just told me to enjoy my night," I say just to get him off my back.

"How romantic. So when are you letting me meet her formally?"

I scoff. "Never."

Woo's offended and a dramatic gasp pulls out of him as he nearly turns his whole body in the driver's seat. "How can you say that? You really hurt my feelings just now."

I kick his seat in the back, making him yelp. "Pay attention to the road!" I yell. "And no, I'm not letting anyone meet her. You're the one who told me to keep her away from this."

"Yeah, but I didn't mean from me!" Woo complains. "I'll pretend to be your cousin. She probably won't be able to tell anyway."

"No, Wooyoung."

"I just wanna see her personality!" Woo whines more. "I wanna see if she's right for you, you know?"

To think if this scenario was true, Woo would still be this nosy. I almost laugh at his desperate tone, shaking my head.

"So you know what's good for me now? Especially women-wise?"

"Of course. I need to make sure she knows your needs and how much of a crybaby you really are so she can let you sleep on her boobs."

My face heats up dramatically and I kick Woo's seat out of embarrassment. His annoying hyena laugh blasts through the air and I lean back into my seat. I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.

The rest of the ride is same old. Wooyoung blasts 1980s Cantonese pop, to "fit the mood" because he thinks we're in some Hong Kong crime show.

But as soon as the sun starts setting and the lights on the road begin to blur, its like a switch has been flipped.

Woo makes rough turns and parks in a shady neighborhood. We're feet away from a club with a neon lit sign flashing the words, "Nevada Dynamite". We sit in the car a few minutes, simply breathing. A car passes by and stops down the street as Woo slowly turns George Lam down.

"Are you ready for this?" Woo mutters. I nod without a word.

I pick up his shotgun and hand it to him while grabbing my crowbar. I pull my mask over my face and tighten my beanie as we get out and Woo locks the van.

Yunho's establishments don't really have an age restriction, maybe it's because he has a thing for minors. But either way, it isnt easy for us to make it past the door, especially when the bouncer immediately glares at us when we near.

"and who the fuck are you people?" he snaps. Woo walks ahead of me and flashes an overly cheerful smile, knowing he's about to ruin this guy's whole night.

"we got a message from Miss A. you sure you wanna send us away?" wooyoung says with a smirk. The bouncer's eyes widen in fear.

he doesn't get a chance to speak. wooyoung lifts the head of his shotgun and knocks it across the bouncer's face, throwing him to the side. he isnt knocked out yet, so woo slams the gun over his cranium for good measure.

i shake my head. this kid has way too much fun doing this. we barge inside the club, the neon lights and shitty techno music overwhelming. its pretty full, and i nudge wooyoung in the ribs when we get to the open floor.

he has the gun hidden underneath his jacket, but if it goes off at all we're fucked. "we need to talk to the VIP bouncer," i tell him and we look around suspiciously. "dont shoot while we're inside. if the cops show, we're fucked."

"i know, im not a moron." woo rolls his eyes at me but i have to make sure. he's trigger happy when left unchecked.

i look around worriedly. despite the intoxicating atmosphere i know this place is probably crawling with black dragons. if yunho is scared for his life the way he should be, he'd have this place fully invested.

a woman comes up to us in a tight red dress, a flower in her afro as she smiles. "evening boys, haven't seen you around here before. are you new in town?"

"not interested," i say, but woo nudges me in the ribs. the woman laughs, slightly offended.

"oh no, im just the hostess. my name is leana. can i get you boys anything? karaoke?" she offers with an unreal sparkle in her eyes.

"how can we get to the vip area?" woo asks.

leana's smile shrinks slightly. "oh no. thats restricted for the owner. but i can show you our other premium suites if you'd like a more private party."

yunho is definetely under this roof. fucking coward. i pull a small knife from my pocket and yank leana close to me so that her stomach rests against the tip of it.

she yelps, freezing on the spot. i sway her a little so it looks like we're dancing. i force a smile as she looks up at me in fear.

"why dont you lead us to the VIP room?" i say. "be a good host, yeah?"

"o-okay." her voice shivers as she turns around to walk. woo and i manage to stay close to her, with woo's hand on her shoulder as she guides us to away from the flashing neon lights and into darker fluorescents.

"please," she begs as we walk down a dim hallway. "i have nothing to do with any of this. i-i'm really just a nobody."

"arent we all, lady," woo mutters, not caring for the lady's obvious fear. we stop infront of a door and i push her aside, and she immediately runs down the hall as to not be seen.

wooyoung and i share one look before we both slam our feet into the door, throwing it open with a violent swing.

and of fucking course, yunho is there at a table with a shit ton of other gangsters. his eyes widen when he sees us and he jumps up from his seat.

"what the fuck is this?" he growls and looks at another guy. "mingi, your boys couldn't fucking keep anyone out?"

"no more running, asshole," wooyoung spits. "we're taking you home."

yunho shakes his head with a dirty laugh as men start to swarm us. i pull my crowbar from under my hoodie and glare. "not a fucking chance, kid. the next time you hear from me, i'll be on top of the drug empire in hong kong with zero fucks to give."

yunho gets up again but there's no way im letting him leave. i swing my crowbar against the head of a black dragon and shove its point into the stomach of another. soon the room is in all out carnage when they start pulling knives, and everything goes to utter shit.

i feel cuts slashing across my ribs as im forced against walls and surfaces, fighting for my life. wooyoung is using his shotgun like a sword, knocking everyone the fuck out. yunho runs out of the room when theres an opening, while a man just sits put at the table and watches everything unfold.

i punch one of the gangsters and grab his knife, stabbing it into his thigh. he howls like a little bitch, and i strike him across the face with my bar, knocking him straight into the table. the man stays at the table, smoking a cigar in a trenchcoat as if hes bored with everything.

theres money all over the table. bills upon bills. they mustve been gambling, or making a deal. i wave my crowbar toward the guy sitting as wooyoung beats the shit out of three guys in a corner.

"your boss is bold, sending you into black dragon territory," he drawls, blowing out a puff. "you must want an all out war, huh?"

"we want yunho," i heave, my shoulders rising and falling harshly.

"then you better go get him," mingi smirks. "you dont want him to reach hong kong, do you?"

"go!" wooyoung shouts at me, nodding to the door. "i'll take care of that bastard. you go get yunho!"

he wouldnt run now. i know this because hes most protected here. as soon as i make it out onto the open dance floor, seven guys show up to jump me. goddamn it.

one runs at me at full speed, raising his fist like its a rocket launcher. i move out of the way and grab his neck, slamming his head into the bar counter. people start screaming and running. everything is chaos.

i jump onto the bar and throw out my heel, catching two guys in the face. my breath is fast, it feels like im moving at lightning speed. i slide down and grab a bottle, smashing it over another guys head as he rams me into the bar. he grabs my head and tries to choke me, but i shove the broken end of the bottle into his cheek.

he screams and its a bloody mess. a punch reaches me from the side. it feels like im fighting with eight limbs, all the taekwondo and krav maga i was forced through during eighth grade completely saving my ass.

when theyre down, i scan the whole place. people stormed out of the club in fear. its empty. i run for the bathrooms to check it out. he couldnt have run, he has nowhere to go.

a couple starts rushingly gets dressed and runs out when i enter the mens bathroom,  complete silence following after. thats when i hear heavy breathing. its like hes trying to calm himself but its not working. fucking idiot.

i kick open the middle stall door and it hits yunho in the face. he whines out and tries to throw a punch, but i roll my arm around his neck and hold him in a downward lock.

"let go of me dickhead!" he screams, his voice tightening as i fasten my grip. "ple- fucking come on, san. dont do this. dont do this to me please."

im trying to choke him out. but the fucker is holding on for dear life.

"pleasse!" he wheezes, sounding like hes on the verge of crying. "please, shes gonna kill me. are you really gonna let her kill me? after everything shes fucking done to you? think of your dad– think of–"

BOOM!!!

i loosen my grip as a shot goes off. yunho tries to wriggle out of my grip, i quickly apply more pressure. what the fuck was that. wooyoung better not have killed someone.

oh god. if wooyoung killed a member of the black dragons we are screwed. we're dead.

yunho passes out between my arms. i drop him and quickly run out when i see someone in a hoodie, standing in the middle of the club. hes staring right at me, in an awkward stance like he doesnt know whats going on.

"get lost," i spit at him. he doesnt move. another gangster?

"didnt you fucking hear me?" i hiss.

"ohshit oh shit oh shit!!" woo comes running out, holding his shotgun and mounds of cash on his other arm. "we need to get the fuck out of here."

i cant even register what i want to say when i hear footsteps and the door push open. that guy speeds out like his life depends on it. fuck no.

"yunho's in the bathroom!" i yell to woo right before i break into a run after the gangster.

he has to be another black dragon ready to call for back up. when i get outside the club, hes already halfway down the road. i sprint after him like the devil himself is on my tail.

***

"you need to give me an extra hundred, doll. you didn't say it was this far out," the Taxi driver tells me when we stop outside the shady club. "You didn't even tell me it was a whole different county. Gas prices are high, you know."

i scowl and hand him another hundred. "Hey, do you think you can stay here for a few minutes. I'm just trying to find someone."

The taxi driver's eyes shine in amusement in the rearview. "Trying to catch a boyfriend cheating?"

i snort and look up at the light up neon sign. "Something like that."

it was a whole hour drive. A whole different neighborhood, district, nearly a whole city. The black van San got into is currently parked infront of a shady looking club.

I know San lied but wow, he really covered everything up in a few mundane sentences. I won't be able to describe how betrayed I feel till I find out what he's hiding from me.

"Five minutes max," the taxi driver says. "After that you're on your own."

"Thank you, mister," I nod and get out, running to the entrance of the bar.

BOOM!!!

the sound is loud and comes straight from the club. i try to lie to myself and deem it a firework, having grown up in a sheltered neighbourhood, but when i look at the taxi driver, his fear is so imminent that i know it simply isnt true.

"hell no! im outta' here!" the bastard hits the gas and speeds off, leaving me stranded. i watch dumbly as he rounds the bend of the street, abandoning my view.

well, yaera, it looks like youre on your own.

i check for security when i turn to the club but the whole place looks abandoned out front. its only when i creep closer do i see a man sprawled out at the door, completely passed out. at least i think hes passed out. respectfully, i dont care if hes alive or not. it just makes me want to find san.

i go inside, and the silence is quickly shattered by the loud grunts of men and splinters of chaos. glass shattering, things breaking. when i finally get onto the dancefloor, all i see are bodies across the floor looking like human wrecks.

did...did san do this? i know he can fight but this? is he fucking bruce lee incarnate?

im bewildered to my bones. a door bursts open on the side and i see san right there. and i have no words. im frozen on the spot as we stare at each other in disbelief.

he looks fucked up. so fucked up. hes bleeding but i dont even think he realizes it. he looks ten times worse compared to the last time i saw him fight. and theres a look in his eye ive never seen before. he looks like he wants to kill me.

oh. oh fuck hes staring right at me.

"get lost," he orders in a low voice, his body taking a fighting stance. he has no idea its me.

"didnt you fucking hear me?" he says even more harshly.

limbs. nows the time to wake the fuck up and carry me out of here.

"ohshitohshit–" i hear another voice panic, a guy coming from another door in the club. he has his arms full of money and a gun in his hand.

a shotgun. thats all i need to see for my legs to finally jumpstart and get me the hell out of there.

***

San

i barely have time to think of how jung wooyoung, my childhood friend and faux cousin just left the both of us unbelievably fucked. all because im chasing black dragon backup. and fuck is he fast.

"Hey!" i yell, running after them. wooyoung follows behind me, and my nerves and face are unbelievably hot from how pissed I am at him.

"should i shoot him?" woo asks as we chase after the guy, and i wish i could swat him like a fly.

"do not fucking shoot anything anymore!"

the man curves into an alleyway, short and scrawny and so annoyingly fast. i feel like a cat chasing a mouse, im also trying to catch my breath because cardio is so damn terrible.

when we get to the alley, the man is hoisting himself over a fence. he sees us, staring at us with a mask and hoodie on so we don't catch his face. really convenient.

i keep pursuing, because the best I can do is knock this guy out till he can't remember a damn thing. or i can toss him into a bin so his members dont find him.

i try my best to climb over the fence with woo, but the person is already halfway over another one. woo is faster than me, jumping over and dashing toward the black dragon. he climbs and jumps, grabbing the asshole at the end of his hoodie and giving one hard tug.

he falls from the top of the fence and hits the cold concrete below. but instead of being unconscious with broken ankles, he scrambles to his feet like a rodent. he tries running past me, but I block him and yank him by the sleeves, throwing him into the brick wall.

once he hits it, I stomp my heel into his chest. he lets out a pathetic yelp, sinking down to the floor.

"you saw something you shouldn't have," I say, breathing hard. "now you should forget."

i can't kill him, so a terrible beating will have to do. woo and I already have to leave the area before anyone catches up with us.

"damn, Sannie, you gave him one hard ass kick," Woo chuckles. I glare at him and his smile quickly falls away.

"I haven't forgiven you yet. Shut up and take his hood off."

woo sighs and rips the guy's hood off, and I swear my breath hits a wall.

my ears feel like they're about to combust because of the rage pooling into them.

"what the fuck?" woo yells, pointing accusingly. "isn't that your girlfriend?"

yaera wheezes in pain, looking up to us shamefully. she's clutching her chest and tears are spilling down her eyes, and the sight of her red face somehow makes this already shit night a hundred times worst.

"woo, help me fucking carry her."

***

helping yaera in the van while she's out of breath and unable to speak is good, because it distracts me from the absolute bullshit I know she's going to spout once she can speak.

woo throws yunho in the back, tying ropeties around his wrists and ankles. yaera watches the scene as takes in puffs from her asthma pump and i cant believe it. im actually surrounded by idiots who never listen to me.

she fucking followed me. i don't even know how she found out, or how she found me, but she did. she actually did. and on top of that she has asthma. who the fuck smokes cigarettes while having asthma?

i strap her into the seat next to me, and she's borderline crying from how hard i kicked her. i feel bad, but im so fucking angry. i wouldn't have hurt her if she wasn't here in the first place.

woo gives me a weird look when he gets in the drivers. "what the hell man..." he whispers, staring at yaera like she's subhuman. "you've got a shit ton to explain."

"don't you fucking start," i snap at him, not in the mood. everything was ruined at once so i might as well go off now that i can. "what about you? what the Hell were you thinking shooting at a black dragon, woo!?!"

"look, that mingi guy attacked me. he was beating the shit out of me and i did what i had to. plus i didnt kill him!" woo defends, having the nerve to mutter under his breath, "even though i fucking should have."

"and this?" i gesture to the cash in the van. "was robbing him necessary?"

woo sighs exasperatedly as he grips the wheel and starts the car. "look, i just thought if i took a little extra you wont be so broke at the end when Miss A eventually takes her share of the money–"

i can't believe this kid. "you did this for me?" I scream. "you aggravated our rivals after shooting them so i can have some extra cash? goddamn it, woo!"

woo's eyes are desperate in the rearview. its like hes realizing the magnitude of what hes done. like hes trying to convince himself mentally that it was worth it.

"but this is worth more. I-It'll pay off your debt so you'll be able to buy something f-for yourself for once!"

i open my mouth to yell again but I'm interrupted. "Y-You're in debt?" Yaera dares to ask in a breathless voice.

i glare at her furiously. "Oh, you don't even get to ask questions. What the fuck are you doing here? Why did you follow me!"

She flinches at my loud voice but I don't care. Instead she has the nerve to glare back, sobby eyes and all. "You lied to me, you asshole. so this is the 'thing' with your cousin?"

"so you follow me? are you fucking crazy or something?"

"you just shot someone and you want to call me crazy?" she raises her voice. "what about you? If I'm fucking crazy then what are you?"

I grit my teeth in rage. "you had no right to follow me."

"oh but i have every right. You're my partner and you're doing shit behind my back."

"do you know how much harder you've made shit for me?" i snap. "if you had just fucking trusted me i wouldnt be in this mess right now!"

she scoffs. "how can I trust you when you lie to my face about everything! you asked me to be honest and i was, and then you lie to me right after? what the fuck do you take me for, san?"

i lean back into my seat and let out a frustrated groan, rubbing my temples. i can't take this. im not used to this, i hate having to explain everything I do and reporting to someone like a fucking understudy.

"this was a mistake," I realize. "this partnership. it was a fucking mistake."

yaera shakes her head at me, her chest rising and falling rhymically, somehow angry as well. "this wasn't a mistake. dont you dare blame your dishonesty on me," she grits through her teeth. "if you stopped lying and just told me what i need to goddamn know, i would have understood i need to hang back."

"okay fine!" i heatedly admit. "i wasn't going to bring you here. you know why?"

her dark eyes light up daringly, as if she's hoping I'll say something mean or insulting.

"because I don't trust you." I sneer.

i want to tell her i dont want her to be exposed to these awful people and this hellish environment. i dont want her to die or get hurt. but i dont say that. it rests on my tongue, dying to come out but i know how she'll react.

the fact that she refuses to be kept safe makes me even angrier.

"really? I would never have guessed."

"i seriously don't fucking trust you. you're reckless and it's like you don't care about your life at all. there were gang members in there. Actual gangmembers and after what happened last time, i wasn't going to have you mess anytvhing up for me."

she shakes her head in disbelief and curses in Italian. it's a long one and I know she's insulting me.

"wow! you're fucking doing this again after you said you wouldn't! you really can't keep your word, can you?"

her voice is dry and unimpressed and its clear we're both in the same page where we just dont trust each other at all.

"saying is one thing, but can i really leave your life in your own hands?" I laugh mockingly at her. "you can't even take care of yourself. the fact that you followed me here, an hour away from where we live just to fucking see what I'm doing says enough."

"Really?" She clenches her jaw. "Do you have any idea what this looks like to me?"

"i don't. enlighten me."

she leans forward, the long strands from her hair falling loose on the sides of her face. " it just looks like you played me."

"what?" i scoff because where is she going with this?

"to me, the person you're never honest with. it looks like i gave you all my savings, in exchange for a partnership that's one sided. i gave you that money to work with you and instead of fucking holding your end up, you do your own thing, you lie to me, make your own plans, go off on your own and never tell the truth. is that a good fucking partner? Doesn't that sound like a goddamn scam to you? Because it fucking feels that way to me!"

her words render me silent, and i realize i havent even thought about it like that before. im glad we're driving at night, because my cheeks are flaming hot from embarrassment.

"do you think that's fair?" she asks me again, defeatedly. "i did my part. i did all you asked of me. but you don't do the same."

"what the fuck is going on, San?"

woo's concerned voice from the front reminds me that he's in fact in our presence. I groan and clutch my head, oh god wooyoung has been here the entire time.

im going to have to be honest now. all the things im afraid of are happening to me. i wanted to keep yaera away from the gang while getting her what she wanted, and already one person is aware of her existence.

this just keeps getting worse.

"we're not dating," i say weakly. "we're partners. she's helping me with the gang stuff."

"what the fuck, dude!" woo exclaims. "since when?"

"recently," i mutter.

he sounds like he's about to break the steering wheel. wooyoung starts stuttering aggressively before finding his voice again.

"And Miss A??? Does she know about this?"

"Of course not, woo. and I'm not going to tell her."

"B-But if she finds out. She'll..."

i eye him sharply in the mirror. "that's why no one's going to tell her. she's my girlfriend, that's all there is to it."

woo sighs heavily. "what the fuck man... and here I thought you were finally getting laid. why are you letting her do this shit? what possessed you?"

if i tell wooyoung now, while yaera is in the car, he'll say some shit and scare her into oblivion. i think we have enough problems at hand.

"whats going to happen to san if people find out about me?" yaera asks woo. an uncomfortable silence follows before wooyoung answers.

"you see that guy in the back? that will be san. and you? well, it depends on who gets to you first, our gang, or the black dragons."

yaera frowns. she looks mildly uncomfortable, but not as afraid as she should be. shes not running for the hills when she absolutely should.

"that...wont happen," i try to convince myself. "just–just dont do this ever again, please."

"we need to talk san," yaera and woo say at the same time, both in demanding fashions. my mind hurts just thinking of having to deal with both.

"this whole thing is causing me to detour. we're gonna have to take her home first before we can take care of yunho," woo says.

"im staying at san's," yaera says, eyeing me sharply. "im not going home until we've talked."

***

the rest of the ride home is agonisingly silent. yaera has fallen asleep, her head against the tinted windows as soft breaths fall from her lips. she looks so serene sleeping. and yet my brain has been terrorising me by envisioning her as dead.

right next to me.

i try to keep my mind off it and watch yunho instead. he randomly wakes up on the way home and i punch him again, where he sinks right back into unconsciousness.

its a dreadful feeling carrying yaera up to my apartment with wooyoung being so quiet. the most talkative guy i know is dead silent.

maybe hes preparing for whats going to happen tonight. we've heard tons of stories of people joining the 105ths, finding out they were policemen and then having them fall off the face of the earth. traitors are far and few because of Miss A. people are too fucking scared to betray her.

i put yaera down into my bed and just as i close her with my blanket, her eyes flutter awake. shes disorientated and sits up on her elbow.

"go to sleep," i urge her. she shakes her head at me and i sigh.

"not until we talk."

"we've been gone long enough, lets go," woo says and pulls my arm, staring at yaera and i in a tense way that has his jaw clenched. hes angry at me, and fuck he should be.

it didnt take long for everything to go to shit.

"she texted me the address," wooyoung tells me in the van as we drive. "a warehouse at the docks. thats where theyre doing it."

i stay silent and mentally prepare. emotionally i know ive already been ripped apart by everythign ive seen.

"please be honest with me, man," woo says and frowns at me. "i just wanna know what youre doing with that girl."

"she needs to skip the country, so shes helping me make money and im giving her a share of it."

"and she knows youre in the 105ths?"

i nod and woo's grip on the wheel tightens. here we go.

"does she know about the debt? your dad? miss A?"

"no," i lifelessly answer. "i havent told her any of that. she just knows the easy stuff. im helping her till she can get away from her family, then we'll never see each other again."

"the san i know would never agree to shit like that," woo grumbles.

"i didnt. she has leverage."

"what?" woo shouts, piercing my eardrum. i wince. "shes fucking blackmailing you? that bitch! lets kill her. we can get rid of her, san. what does she have on you?"

this is exactly why i never mentioned anything infront of her.

"a video," i sigh. "she just caught me in the middle of a deal with that yeosang fucker. she filmed it. my face is clear in it and everything."

"lets fucking kill her."

"no." i say in a clipped tone. wooyoung is staring at me incredulously. "dont look at me like that. im telling you i dont wanna do anything. she wont snitch on me, i know that."

"shes literally blackmailing you."

"her family is fucked up," i shrugged. "i was angry about it but it passed.im going to help her and im not gonna make it the gangs problem. so can i trust you to keep this to yourself until everythings over?"

"whatever man," woo shakes his head disappointedly. "if youre sure about this, i cant say anything. but..."

"just trust me, woo. i know you cant trust her but trust me."

woo nods grudgingly, his discomfort worse than what it was before.

we pull up on the dark port and the warehouse is to our left. woo and i get out and carry yunho to the door, where higher ups take him from us.

he wakes up while they carry him and hes already screaming when hes put onto a chair in the middle of the place. the lights shine directly on him, casting out his ghostly, terrified face to the public.

"good work," one of miss A's deadly machines says. he steps out from the shadows like a ghost, his dark and unhinged eyes making me severely uncomfortable.

park seonghwa. aka the butcher. ive only heard of him from woo. hes the copkiller of the gang, the one who punishes all miss A's enemies. when he gets rid of people, he makes sure they stay gone.

and they wont ever be found. not in one piece at least.

from his twisted smile as he stares at the horrified yunho, its clear to see why hes dubbed 'the butcher' in the first place. he looks like he'd eat your heart out of your chest.

"you can go now," seonghwa tells us with a wave. "unless you wanna stay for the show."

he pulls out a long knife from the belt on his black pants, its blade shining sharply from the light sliding across it. yunho starts screaming louder.

"fuck no! you assholes cant do this to me! no! fuck you! ive worked for Miss A for years! you cant just–" his screams rapidly turned to sobs. "san, wooyoung, please. you cant let them do this. i made a mistake. i was being blackmailed–"

seonghwa gives no warning for what he does next. the blade disappears into the flesh of yunho's stomach, his mouth hanging open wide as inhumane chokes come from it.

i want to throw up.

woo and i watch in horror as seonghwa pulls the knife out of yunho roughly, cutting him up all over again. "its always you cowards who beg for your life the loudest," seonghwa chuckles mockingly. "its funny really."

he starts stabbing yunho rapidly, with blood now dripping from his mouth. i turn around because i cant stand looking at the sight anymore. i want to cry but i feel empty.

i cant believe this is my life.

"youre gonna tell miss A we did a good job, right?" woo asks pathetically, failing to hide the fear in his voice. yunhos screams have gone radiosilent.

"of course!" seonghwa says with a laugh. "go chase that promotion, kids! have a good night!"

i get out of there as fast as i can. and when im out the door, i empty my stomach on the concrete.

next chapter

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF

CHAPTER 7: WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF?

warnings: flashback, death mention, drugs mention, idk anymore let me know if you think i should add more

prev chapter

next chapter

word count: 4442

A/N: Sorry for the long wait guys i just started my 2nd semester of uni and life has been ROUGH but aye here's the new chapter :D

***

Yaera

scratchy skin. i run my nails over it till brown becomes red and im bleeding all over my pyjammas. it doesn't hurt. not as much as i do.

surrounded by darkness, bawling my eyes out in silence. it feels like im paralysed, like i can't breathe. like its a chore to be alive.

"yaera?" a soft voice calls me. i know its not her. my heart wishes it was.

my mind tricks me. i feel her get onto my bed and put her warm hands over my open wound. it feels like a bandage, like im being healed but i know its not real.

it isnt real.

the soft pale light turns on beside my bed and i see her face. her deep brown doe eyes gentle with sadness. my sobs choke in my throat, threatening to go louder. i cant.

"im here, don't worry," she tells me and rubs my face. "he wont hurt you anymore."

"why'd it have to be you?" i ask her. "i wish it was me instead."

she frowns how i imagine she would if she were here. "dont say that. youre making me feel guilty."

"i cant do this, yasmine. i cant. no one here is you. they dont know me the way you do. i dont know if i can go on anymore."

"you have to," she sadly smiles. "im still here."

but she wasnt. and it was hard to accept that.

there are people in this world who you can show your worst self, your best self, and the your most vulnerable self. the self that cries when feeling any kind of emotion. the kind who feels overwhelmed all the time.

yasmine was my person. shes gone now.

but my brain wont let me forget it. it wont let me forget anything.

"what the heck, whats wrong?" she asked when she found me sobbing into my knees under my window pane. she bent down next to me, immediately pulling my head onto her shoulder.

she wouldnt get it. i couldnt explain it. the way he kept making me feel powerless in a house full of people. so alone. so afraid. the touches started off like nothing, a fleeting thought, it was easy to brush off.

not anymore.

"c'mon, yae. you can tell me. was jongho mean to you again?" she asked innocently. cluelessly. "i will speak to him for real this time. he always thinks being mean as a joke is cute but–"

i wanted to tell her. maybe i should have. i told her everything. why couldnt i tell her? she was all i had. i should have told her.

"Mr and Mrs Marino. We need you to come in to the police station. A body was found–"

***

San

Y: I can't make it for lunch today, sorry. I'll just come by to let you know the news.

I adjust my glasses as I eye the message and the time on my screen. I can barely read it because of the cracks but end up getting the gist of it.

I sigh and close my chemistry notes. I guess she's done with her shoot then. Woo is passed out on my bed, for some reason the asshole decided to stay here.

What am I going to do with him here? I guess I'll have to talk to her outside. It doesn't sound like she'll stay long anyway.

At four thirty in the afternoon Yaera knocks on my door. I make sure to squeeze through the gap when I open the door, closing it behind me quickly so she doesn't see inside.

She gives me a suspicious look but doesn't say anything. She looks different. Maybe its the dark red curls that are spilling down her back that look so out of place compared to the thick hoodie and pants she's wearing.

"Hey," she greets, sounding off. "I won't be sleeping over, don't worry. I just came to say today went well."

Went well? It sounds like she'd rather be anywhere but here.

"I gave the pills out to three of my model friends. If all goes well, they'll want more by this weekend. I told them to give me a call."

"What if this doesn't work?" I ask skeptically. After all, models doing drugs so freely can't be a good thing.

"It will," she assures me, too sure. "And if it doesn't, I always have a back up plan."

She always has everything so figured out, doesn't she? I can't help but be wary of her. There's something about people like Yaera. People who act so calm and nonchalant about doing and going through problematic things. They're usually ticking time bombs on the inside.

"I want to talk about money," she says suddenly. "I know I said twenty percent but I need thirty."

I widen my eyes. No way she's asking for that much. "Thirty? What?"

She narrows her eyes, completely on edge. "What? Do you have a problem with that?"

"I'm just trying to figure out where this is coming from. What makes you think you're entitled to 30%? I know you gave me all your savings but—"

"Fine!" She bursts out, making me drop silent. "Do you want more then? I can get you more money. I can pay off how much you owe, how much that Yunho guy owes–it doesn't fucking matter to me. I just need to leave here. I need to get the fuck out."

Something happened. Her voice tells me all. Its full of anger, desperation and frustration. She's looking at me like she wants to kill me but at the same time her eyes are glossy.

I might be an anti-social loser but I can tell when someone's about to cry.

"Can you fucking answer me?" She tightly asks.

"Did your parents say something to you? Is that why you're so out of it?" I ask warily. Wrong move, San. Completely dumb fucking move.

She laughs, its a bitter, miserable laugh that leaves me more confused. Its the exact same one from before, when she figured out I knew about her dead sister.

"Don't ask me stupid questions like you're my therapist or something," she snaps at me. "And I am not out of it. You're just refusing to be straight up with me."

"You're not out of it? Then why are you acting defensive?" I snap back. "Be honest with me on why I should give you more money. Its so obvious this is more than getting away from your family. You're running from something."

My temper is at bay because I can clearly tell something's wrong, but I know she's dodging me. Her eyes start tearing and it immediately makes me feel terrible but I can't help it. She's not being honest.

"I'll help you, Yaera. Just be honest with me. What are you so afraid of?"

"Fuck you!" She shouts through her sobs, shoving me in the chest. "Fuck you, Choi San. Why the fuck should I explain myself to you when I don't even know why you're selling drugs or in a gang? Huh? Why the fuck should I be honest? Go to Hell."

Anyone who sees us will assume we're going through an awful break up. Yaera's entire face is red and drenched with tears and I'm standing without a clue of what's going on or what to do. She gives me a sarcastic look when I fail to answer her.

She sniffles, trying to collect herself as she shakes her head. "That's what I thought. Fuck this."

Yaera leaves down the hall and doesn't look back at me once, and I'm not sure what it means at all. All I know is something is wrong. Is it the memories of her sister? Her parents? I don't know.

I try not to think about it for the rest of the day, but fail miserably.

***

Yaera

For the rest of the weekend, San tries to reach me. I'm an asshole, I watch as his messages come and go, each one getting deleted after each other. I don't think he's tech savvy enough to know I can still see the receipt after they're deleted.

A small part of me is happy, even a little girlish to think that San, in our hot and cold dynamic, has decided to pull the rope and chase me. The more sane, rational part of me is embarrassed.

So, so embarrassed.

The sickening feeling doesn't leave me all weekend. It grows with every day that passes, because I know I've made San confused and feel like shit. He doesn't know why I freaked out, why I ignored him and I don't know if I'll ever be able to get the words out.

I'm too fucking scared.

The thought of it alone leaves me feeling cold and isolated from everyone else, knowing no one around would understand, or care. The awful fear of feeling like a cornered animal, so unprotected, so lost and wanting to rip off my own skin because it feels tainted.

How do I say that to a guy I'm blackmailing for money? Someone who has a horde of problems of his own. My brain has been feeding me awful scenarios all weekend. Its part of the reason I can't face San.

With every day that passes, Saturday grows closer. My parents are running around organizing fits and lifts for the gala, where their collection will be showcased before it hits the market. I'm nauseous knowing that I won't be able to get out of it. Why?

1. Because I gave San my word I would sell his drugs.

2. Because I'm being shown off at this stupid event.

3. Because Santo will be there, waiting.

I thought of lying about contracting a virus. I even hoped San would message me Sunday night saying there would be more thugs to deal with. I hoped that we'd go out and that I'd get stabbed, end up in the hospital and have to miss that gala entirely.

I try coming up with solutions to dull the utter sense of panic in my bones. Most people don't know how far I'll go to escape my fears. I'm very good at being a coward.

My brain tells me, maybe if I don't show up enough, just maybe Santo will drop me and my parents will disown me. Maybe if I cling to my father all night, Santo won't get the chance to corner me. But knowing my family, they'll have no problem throwing me to the wolves.

When Monday rolls around, I'm in the parking lot against a wall waiting for San to come but he never does. No one comes by, the parking lot is empty that morning and I am all alone.

I look at San's chat on my phone and feel like sobbing. I'm so pathetic really. I don't know why I'm such a loser. Why am I so emotional all of a sudden about apologizing. Its not like we're dating. 

I'm so embarrassed by all I said that I texted him good luck on his test today and he read it with no reply. Karma, I think. I ignored him all weekend and he's just returning the favour.

This is ruining my life. I shouldn't care, right? All I should care about is my money and running away. I shouldn't care about fixing things with a guy I barely know.

What if Santo leaves me alone because I'm with San?

That thought is dangerous. Not only that, it bothers me all morning because of its openness. There's only two ways he can react.

Santo can back off when he realizes I'm with someone my own age and not interested in getting groomed OR he can get super possessive and probably get San thrown in jail for some obscure and non real reason.

But the chance he could leave me alone forever is enough for me to hang onto hope. I'm on my way to biology with this hope in my heart, hoping I'll see San and he won't look at me like I'm some ugly bug.

Unfortunately when I get to biology, Mrs Evans gives me a tight smile. "Miss Marino, how delighted to actually have you in class today."

I completely forgot about her. And it seems like she's aware I skipped her period last week. "Uh, good morning ma'am," I greet awkwardly.

Quick. Think of a good lie.

"You know Miss Ella is back in school, right? I'm sure you don't want to see her so soon again," she says to me, vaguely threatening as she eyes my hair. "I should send you there for your unnatural hair colour, but I'll let it slide if you tell me you've made the effort to get a tutor."

"I..."

I sigh. Another thing I completely forgot about. I need to care about school if I want to graduate, but my life is so shit right now its taking everything out of me to not shower with a toaster.

"Mrs Evans?" A voice speaks. I feel my stomach flutter. I look behind me and San is standing there.

He's looking right at me with that unreadable, dark and mellow expression on his handsome yet cold face. He looks so pretty with his long hair and glasses, but my admiration hits an abrupt block when he looks away suddenly, no warmth present on his face.

"Yes, San?" Mrs Evans voice automatically softens. He must have that effect on everyone.

"Yaera and I came to an agreement. I will tutor her."

I can't think straight. What is he doing? I can never tell what he's thinking.

"Oh," even Mrs Evans is surprised. "Uh well, I'm happy you changed your mind. Hopefully Yaera can actually listen to you."

I sit through class without a single coherent thought in my brain. I sneak looks at San, thinking of what to say to him once we get time alone. I should apologize for losing it. I was weak, I nearly crumbled infront of him.

It can't happen again. It just can't.

So when class ends, I plan to go after him. San leaves first, showing no signs of waiting for me. He goes to the abandoned stairwell as per usual, and I'm about to make my presence known but stop when I hear his pissed off tone.

"Woo, I fucking told you don't call me at school, you asshole," San turns into Count Dracula and hisses into the speaker. "No you don't get it, you dropped out, I didn't."

"I told you I have a test today!"

"No, I'll be writing it during school hours. You don't have to pick me up from school, I'll meet you at my apartment."

His voice significantly quiets down, and by now I know he's not talking to a relative. At least not his close family.

Actually, San doesn't strike me as the type to talk to any member of his family like that at all. Which means this is obviously 105ths related.

"No, Woo, don't bring a fucking gun do you want those people to kill us?!" San groans as softly as he can.

So San is definetely going somewhere after school today. Which means I'm going somewhere. Great.

"I'm telling you it's a bad idea! We just need to knock out that asshole and go. Do you want this shit to turn into a shootout? Get real."

San hangs up and roughly tosses his bag to the ground, I hear the harsh landing from around the wall. I decide to wait a few minutes before building up the courage to show myself.

His handsome yet scowling face drops when he sees me, his expression awkward and taken aback.

"Hey," I break the ice. "I just wanted to say thanks."

"For?" He sounds genuinely clueless. Is his memory that bad?

"For covering for me. In Bio."

"I wasn't covering. I figured I could use the extra credit," he says, slightly cold. "So just say when you're available and I'll bring my books."

I'm dumbstruck. San is actually going to tutor me. If I'm already struggling to focus I wonder how hard I'm going to fight now.

"Oh, okay," I say dumbly. I can barely meet his eyes after Saturday. I hear my own cracking voice screaming at him between tears and it makes me cringe.

"I'm sorry," I say with difficulty. "For what happened on Saturday...it was uncalled for. I wasn't myself. So yeah, sorry."

San is quiet, looking at me like he's reading a book he doesn't understand.

He nods. "Okay. Can you explain what happened?"

I blink dumbly. "What?"

"Tell me why you freaked out and showed up to my place on edge. What happened at that shoot?"

My skin heats up and I feel like scratching. I struggle to hold his gaze and its embarrassing. He wasnt supposed to question me. Hes not following the script I wrote up in my head.

"I..."

"I can still give you the money," he tells me. "If you really need thirty percent, I'll give it to you. It cuts our deal shorter. You'll be able to get your money faster and this partnership won't have to last all year. But just tell me why."

I'm vaguely annoyed that I'm being pushed and still Ive received nothing. I know I barely know San for a week, but why am I the only one having to be honest here?

Crumbs, my brain suggests. I should give him crumbs, then he wont bother next time.

"I had a bad day," I admit with difficulty. Fucking understatement. "My parents and...everything. It was overwhelming for me. My sister used to do this, and she was a natural. And now that I do it...it feels like I'm being forced to take her place."

"Is that all?" San asks suspiciously, as if he knows I'm holding something back. Fuck, hes so smart I hate him.

Time to make him regret asking at all.

"I had a panic attack," I continue. "Lots of people dont know this, but my parents are awful people. They made my sister do inappropriate shoots when she was just a kid. Then when she died they did the same thing to me. Lingerie, fucking weird ass outfits that didnt belong on the body of a sixteen year old girl.

"It was never a problem back then because all the shoots are published now. All the pictures my parents post of me are two years old. They still make me do weird shit, but I'm not a minor now, so its okay, I guess. I know it doesnt sound like a big deal, but I really hate being forced to show my body and its just...very...it makes me..."

I dont finish because I find myself getting genuinely upset. I take a deep breath and look at the ground, swallowing hard. This fucking sucks, San is pitying me in his head, I can feel it.

"You didnt deserve that," he says quietly. "You should be running then."

He doesnt know the half of it. But a part of me is happy Im hearing those words. And from a man who appears like he cares about nothing. Maybe hes not that bad.

"Thanks for understanding. Can we talk about you now?"

San nods. This is weird. We're being civil.

"What happened after you visited your boss? What did she say?"

"Uh...mmmm."

San shrugs and crosses his arms. "Uh, she didnt say much. We dont have to worry about it. Its out of my hands."

"What?" I frown. It didnt sound like that on the phone at all. "So she really let you off?"

San nods with his lips in a firm line. This bastard is lying to me.

Really? After everything? I hide my volatile feelings with a soft hum.

"That's crazy. How are they letting you off so easily for losing 7k and yet they made you eat a cigarette for not delivering 10?" I question.

San shrugs again, not doing a good job at covering for himself. But why is he lying. After our last conversation I thought he'd know better.

"I guess Yunho is taken care of then. I can't say for sure."

"Do you have plans tonight then?" I test. "I think we should have a tutoring session at your place."

San grimaces. Go ahead, asshole. Lie through your teeth.

"I can't actually. I have to go somewhere. It's not gang related."

"Oh really? Is it family related then?"

"I don't have to tell you that," San shoots me down ungracefully, if I was shocked I would gasp.

I just told him why I need more money, and he responds like this. I want to laugh so hard. He's such a hypocrite.

"That came out the wrong way," he sighs when he sees my face. "Yes, it is family related. I have to do something with my cousin, that's all. I can come by tomorrow though."

I force a smile. "No, don't worry about it. Good luck with your family."

I walk away to hide my fuming. San has chosen to lie to me, its evident. He's going to help his 'cousin' who suspiciously has a gun. He must think I'm a fucking moron.

I wonder what his rationale is this time. Either way, it's going to piss me off. Shit, I'm already pissed. Because clearly he doesn't respect or take me seriously. It's like everytime I think I'm breaking through a layer with him, he brings up a worse, even more piece of shit layer.

And he's unashamed about it either. I just know when I confront him about lying, he'll be the most angry person. But I don't care, I'll be ready then. I didn't give him my fucking savings just for him to leave me out of the loop and toss me aside with a shitty lie.

When lunch rolls around, I'm on my way to the stairwell when I'm nearly knocked over by the horde of soccer players just forcing themselves through the halls. They have to move like a herd for some reason and trample everyone in their path. I'm forced against the lockers on the floor, my eyes widening when I spot  a brand new pair of expensive Nike soccer boots on one of our star players.

I smile to myself, watching his blonde head of hair disappear around the hallway. I bet those shoes must have costed a fortune. It probably sells well too.

My temptations are halted for the time being. I do need money, month end is two weeks away and San isn't showing signs of being a very cooperative partner. If he's hiding things from me, I might as well hold onto my methods of self-preservation.

***

The day ends and I see San sneaking through the parking lot this time. He doesn't know I'm watching him, but he definitely knows he's being watched. The paranoid asshole tosses suspicious glances over his shoulder every five seconds as he leaves the driveway.

My parents pick me up as usual, though this time my father is a lone ranger. We barely talk as expected, he asks me what I did in school, I tell him "the usual" and we move on with The Beatles blasting in the car.

"Where's mom?" I ask when we get home, noting the very peaceful silence is something out of the ordinary.

"Your mother is at one of the boutiques doing checks and balances," my father blandly responds, walking up the stairs. "I'm going to take a nap. There are bread rolls in the fridge."

I smirk to myself,  that means I don't even have to lie. My opening is wide enough. I immediately go up to my room and slide out of my school uniform, putting on rather... inconspicuous clothes.

A black hoodie and navy sweatpants with shoes fit to run in. I'm thinking of a weapon to carry with me, but all I have is a tiny pocket knife. Hopefully I don't have to use it.

I check my phone and roll my eyes when I see his name in my notification bar.

Sannie~: Sorry, I only saw this message now. Thanks 

You... asshole. You know I can see when I'm being left on read, right? I almost want to say it but I take a deep breath. You are not crazy. Don't act crazy. It doesn't matter if he's only responding to my good luck message only now.

I scowl and type a message back.

me: Hope everything with your cousin goes well.

San immediately reads it, and he types back for a long while. The message never comes through because he stops. Yeah, can't come up with more lies, can you?

I tighten the strings of my hoodie and get out of my house, catching the bus to his apartment.

This is the only way to see who he actually is. I've discovered him before by following him once, and then I found out the truth. Now I'm going to find out why exactly he lied to me, since healthy communication is clearly not on the table.

I don't plan on going inside, instead I find a spot nearby and just wait for him to leave. I know he's going somewhere, there was a mention of guns and some person named Woo, so I suppose he's the partner for tonight.

For about five minutes, nothing happens. I keep checking my phone and San's online status is inconsistent. He comes on every few seconds, probably checking for any updates from this person. When the sixth minute hits, a black Ford transit van rolls up infront of San's apartment building.

The windows are tinted, so I miss whoever's in the driver seat. San comes down a few minutes later, dressed in a classic hostile outfit. He has a mask over the bottom half of his face and pulls open the door of the van... and of course, he has his crowbar in hand.

I catch a glimpse of the inside of the van before San violently slams the door shut. It's empty. Just before they drive off, I end up stopping a cab by sliding over the bonnet. The driver stares at me like I'm insane, about to shout obscenities but I toss a 300 bill his way and slide in the back.

"You see that van? I need you to follow it," I order. The van is halfway down the road when the driver steps on the gas and we push forward.