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*shotgun in mouth* [GARBLED] Moo deng just SLAPPED chaplel rowling at the Oscars !!!!! *starts sucking and moaning a little bit*

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LOL but seriously release the hounds

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something vindictive but ultimately harmless I do at work is that if you’re at my register and you’re rude to me and you pay with cash I am finding the most disgusting desolate fucked up unspeakable coin I can to give to you. oh you were mean to me? you’re getting the yucky nickel bitch

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"adults trying to stay "hip" and keep up with youth culture and being years late is so cringey"

adult secret: its all intentional. nothing will prepare you for how fun it is to watch a teenagers face as you dab at them. i will floss when they least expect it and I will love every second of their horror.

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every ad is a personal insult to everyone who sees it and i’m not kidding

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If you mess up a social interaction you can say "Failed Experiment" and move on

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sometimes i feel ive got to

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Wifeplay where you have sex with your wife who loves you and you love her

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i always click the "track package" button as soon as i get the email. "oh boy i wonder where my package is!" warehouse.

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How come no one’s talking about how Jerma came out?

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Level 10 burgers event imminent. There is no time to evacuate, shelter in place immediately.

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