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Not your fault ; soins personnels series 1

Honestly, I don’t exactly know what this blog is gonna be about ; and i’m not quite sure how to start an article off so i’ll just start of with my best shot and introduce myself. Hi, if you couldn’t tell my name’s Arah. The title basically says it all, and here’s the first ‘warning’. i’m about to write some personal self acceptance shit, and it may be a little explicit. I think this is the part where I say I warned you. 

For a long time i’ve almost been raising myself, and i’ve went through a lot of what you could call, hardships. Going through these though have actuality taught me a lot of self acceptance and other important characteristics. I’m gonna start from the beginning so hopefully you can kinda see an overview here. Basically from the time I was nine, I was a child to a single mother. We weren’t rich and a lot of the time my mom was gone during the night trying to do jobs to get any cash she could. She worked hard, and tried to make do with what she could. Fast forward a year later she decided to make a life altering decision, that we didn’t know at the time and move to Hawaii. 

Little did I know that this was the beginning to a long walk through hell. She didn’t technically have a house set up on the islands so we just kinda moved from house to house, until eventually she got an small apartment and meet my step dad. Fast forward another year, she marry’s my step dad and we move back to the states and it all starts to go down hill. It was fine the first couple weeks we got there until about two months in. My mom started going at all night and day, would get in constant fight’s with my step dad, and suddenly decided it would be fun to make my life hell. In a summary my days were usually, if not the same, very similar to this. 

I would wake up for school, and depending on what shift my step dad was on, he would either be sleeping or off to work. I’d take the bus to school and I would walk back after school and my mom wouldn’t be there still. My step dad would come home from work shortly after and we would spend time together. Those were basically the weekends to and sometimes if we were lucky my mother would come home before midnight. 

If you’ve noticed this should NEVER be a routinely thing for anyone. Around the age of fifteen I got my first phone. It was around Christmas and my step dad’s parents had even put it on their plan. My mom, however was furious. Whenever she brought up a fight it would usually revolve around two things. 

1. Money, and always ‘needing’ more of it

2. Me and my personal life. 

It got to a point where she would attack me over as something as little as a phone. I remember the epiphany I had in one particular fight however. To make a long story short I had found some very illegal drugs in her car, she woke me up, my step dad woke up. Then she attacked me (Like an actual attack, as in jumping on my back and pulling my hair, some full on Jersey shores shit here folks) and it ended with me going in the hospital. This would one of the first times i’d be quite literally on the brink of death. I remember my vision being blurry, and I had a burning sensation in the back of my throat and it felt like my head was being stabbed with a knife. I really thought to myself, that I never wanted to get so angry to the point that I would physically attack someone. 

Obviously being in an abusive household with a drug addict parent toke a mental tole on me. It saddens me because I do in fact realize that some of victims blame them self’s for something completely out of their control. To get to my point I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU ! Within the span of ten years ive been through a life time of hurt, and for the longest time I did blame myself for the series of unfortunate events happening around me. 

Unfortunately we live in a screwed up society, that when those of us who are brave enough to speak up about our problem’s (Weather that be mental or physical) we either get shot down and called attention whores. Or we get degraded by those who encourage us to help, get sent to these psychiatric facility’s ; were put on a bunch of drugs when maybe, all we really need was something as simple as a hug and for someone to tell us that were gonna be okay. There’s this poem I like to read sometimes, and it goes like this. 

I don’t like 

depending on people

because people 

leave

all the time. 

Because at the end of the day

all you have is 

yourself

and that has to be 

enough.

- A.M. 

Honestly i’ve always been terrible at explaining things or trying to get my point across. And I guess what i’m trying to get at is bad things happen to good people all the time. It really suck’s and I know it’s easy to break down and I know it’s not fair but ; it’s how you continue to live your life is what matters. Because in the end, in the final analysis of this question it’s not always why but instead it’s how we intend to respond to the tragedy. 

In a realization I can see how negative thing’s keep happening ; and we start to question what is morally right and wrong. But in this questioning please remember the strongest people are the one’s who break down when nobody can see. They’re the teenagers up at three a.m. crying because of whatever reason, and they’re the single parents working past three p.m. to provide for their children. Please realize that stability isn’t always shown where everyone can see ; kindness isn’t weakness and sometimes people cry not because their weak but because they’ve been being strong for everyone else for a long time.

 It is okay to break down and it is okay to cry, and scream. But it is never okay to blame yourself. 

Sometime’s life may seem like a huge over rated Shakespearean tragedy, but when you look back you’ll realize it was just full of hardships. You’re going to be okay. Occasionally we just have to find some serenity in life and take it day by day ; just slow down from the rush that everyone’s in and take a deep breath every so often. Understand the bigger picture may not be black and white, but instead have a lot of grey area. You may not honestly be able to look back and say “Yeah, this is why I did this”. ‘Cause sometimes, both the good and bad things are out of your control. 

When you’re passing through struggles you may not be okay until you let go. Hell, you may not even be okay until you admit that you’re not okay. But if you can keep going. If you can keep getting up knowing you’re gonna get pushed down again ; Ive said this a lot and ill try to make this my last time but you’ll be okay. We’re the broken society, the stereotypes, the emotional bunch. I think in a way we’ve all been broken, we’ve got knocked down, we’ve felt a type of pain you cant get rid of with medicine and chicken soup ; but we’ve got back up. minute after minute, day after day and year after year. We cry river’s, bleed ourselves more than a war, but we never run. There’s always a way to get back up, and it may take a long time to realize that ; Not gonna lie, life can be a kick in the ass but eventually we reach a certain point. 

We reach a point where we don’t care. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s not ; my advice is this : Do what you love and do it unapologetically. 

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