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[yikesyoked]

Unrequited love is lonely af

I’m loling at my last post being about hayden 

shit’s hella changed

Love isn’t what i thought it would be

Love isn’t what we need for each other rn 

sometimes this all feels like a rex orange county song

sometimes i wanna complain about how i don’t have the ability or desire to hate him. 

letting go is different and strange and my feelings aren’t what they were. my wants and needs are different, however sometimes I wish I could tell him that i love him.

I really love him. And I wanna be that romantic person for him to just come home to, but what’s happening is that we each need to learn to come home to ourselves and other people. 

I wanna know what it’s like one day.

One day may never happen.

Summer is almost here, and another year has been spent longing for someone who doesn’t want me. This all feels like one disgusting routine in my life. 

Summer is the only season I’m free from my fucking emotions it feels like. 

[yikesyoked]

Angrily waking up at 7:30 to take out the trash and remember u gotta crush

HONESLTY FUCK ME 

I HATE HATE HATE CRUSHES. I am ultimately so frustrated because this person is supposed to be just my friend. 

Like we’ve been friends for month now, and I realized a few weeks ago I have feelings for him, but the consequences are well, consequences. 

Hayden is the best person I know. I don’t think he’s perfect, but I honestly think he brings out the best in me and I honestly just wanna hang out with him all the time. Idk I am beating myself up about this. He either doesn’t know, doesn’t care, or feels somewhat similar? Probably not. Ideally we’d just hook up and see where is goes from there. I don’t want much to change. I guess that’s the beauty in this is that things don’t have to. He’s gonna be my boss, and we’re gonna be working on WVMF so I gotta like remain chill.

I haven’t even told Zoey, and I told Aly only a couple of days ago. I don’t wanna lose friends over this, or worse completely lose him as a friend. 

Also this probably happens to him all the time and I feel foolish just being another one of those girls/guys. I see us being pretty compatible in terms of maintenance and like neediness. I really really value my independence. Idk I’m just kinda bummed about this feeling, rather than feeling excited. It’s a huge risk, and I’ve honestly never really had emotions for such a close friend. 

I just gotta trust what will be, will be. I think I am just really scared ultimately. Really really fucking scared.

[yikesyoked]

Tbt to cutting back

Surprise bitch you actually added more shit

Still barista, CJL recruitment, senior editor and writer, interning, but you joined music industry collective #bless and became a  campaign coordinator.

I’m so damn tired of this term. 

I feel like I’m looking for problems with myself and my life. 

Luckily im going back to 12 credits and then quitting CJL and yeah just figuring things out 

talked with andrei, and honestly was straight up honest and it was good. 

we talked about hiking over break, i’m banking on it too much. I get what’s happening and i’m sure what’s gonna happen, but i’m just chilling. I like him and that’s what’s what. 

shit’s stupid with sam, i’m trying to just avoid it all. I shouldn’t talk to boys while drinking booze, it just brings trouble

I have barely journaled this term mostly because I'm too tired. I’ve had far too many mental break downs. 

blah blah blah 

I stopped going to shabbat bc weird jew vibes idk I just don’t care enough about that part of my identity anymore.

the term is over wednesday tgod and then I can’t wait to sleep 

[yikesyoked]

HAH

I thought I was only confrontational when I’m drunk, but so far I feel pretty confrontational all the time. 

New look for 2017??? lol 

[yikesyoked]

Tuesday Afternoon

Do you ever worry you’ll never have time to fall in love?

When I’m thinking about what I’m involved in at school, I have to think really hard to remembers. 

Climate Justice League Recruitment Coordinator

Intern Universal Music Group

Her Campus Senior Editor and Writer

Shabbat at Akiva 

Music Industry Collective 

Barista 

In-between: Concerts, Babysitting, Art shows, Activism (guest lectures, protests, etc.) Hiking, 

I have been kinda bored this week which is really REALLY unusual. It’s healthy. When I picture the next three years I see music festivals, school, sharing a  room with Zoey, study abroad in Italy, working in the summers, then senior year?????????????? Then I move to NYC and live with Rose???????

I feel so lost and feeling like time is FLYING by. TIME IS MOVING SO FAST, but at the same time it’s good bc #healing 

I feel so underdeveloped in my relationship skills, I fell to hard for Andrei TOO FAST and it made things weird for him, but made ME FEEL WEIRD TOO. Emotions are so god damn confusing. 

I don’t know how to casually date. I don’t know how to seriously date. I don’t know, but it’s okay to not know. 

It’s just weird, because I want love and I know it’s gonna happen when I’m ready, but where will it fit in? I want to be good. I’m going to cut down on my involvement for shit, but it’s gonna be healthy for me because I wanna smoke weed, have energy to doodle, and eat meals and live at a comfortable pace. It’s so confusing feeling bored and drained at the same time. I don’t have to solve everything right now, just gotta break it down into baby steps. 

Anyways, I am just trusting god on this because honestly my obsessive thinking and action seems to always put a damper, just let it be. 

[yikesyoked]

My crush complimented my hair today :’)

Washed out sounds like what I imagine falling in love feels like 

[yikesyoked]

Floating

I went on a bike ride, spent too much time looking at screens, made food, and listened to A LOT of music.

School starts in two weeks. Im just chilling in summer mode.

I’m in no rush so it feels good to be appreciated and taking in the space.

I’m ready to make this my best year yet. I’ll be successful, healthy, and happy. I’m going to continue working on my health and my social happiness. Good things are coming and I am thankful for how supported I feel. 

Lots of love and light and healthy readjustments. 

[yikesyoked]

I am where I need to be, and I’ll get where I need to go

I interviewed Evergreen today.

She got me tickets to Mad Decent.

Im so excited, but it’s the day before Rose moves so I’m feeling anxious. 

I wanna do this with her!!

But I need to breathe. Breathe breathe breathe

trust I am where I need to be, and I’ll go where I need to go. Everything will happen it way it needs to, even though it may not happen in the way I want to. 

[yikesyoked]

self control - frank ocean

good music gives you goose bumps 

[yikesyoked]

fall term is gonna be GREAT

I’m really excited. I moved yesterday. I am interviewing Evergreen and Wynne.

My life is moving forward in a positive way and it’s okay. 

[yikesyoked]

breaking the cycle!!

I’m talking to this guy and I was telling Katie “I kinda need him to be an asshole”

and she said in summary she said, I need to stop dating nerdy fuckboys and actually date and get with a nice guy for once. 

[yikesyoked]

Good thing I am not drunk enough to text you.

I really miss Glen. I just want to talk to him about my responses and actions, how I am happy, and just talk about music. 

But I know why it’s better off and what’s best. 

[yikesyoked]

We’re not as close

Slowly friendships are shifting and falling, it is natural and okay. I have to let go, and trust. 

[yikesyoked]

I know who.

It started from nothing

I had no chance to prepare

I couldn’t see you coming

I could hate you now

It’s quite alright to hate me now

When we both know that deep down

The feeling still deep down is good 

[yikesyoked]

Boyz of Haunting

Okay so while I was in Bend with Gib and Rose, Mason, remember your first kiss when you were 17? He was 20, and you used tinder and lied. Then got into his Jeep at Mt. Tabor thinking it was such a good idea. 

Well anyways he said “hey elissa, I know it’s been a while, but what’s up? :) “

Been a while????? Bruh it’s been almost 2 years. My hair in 8 inches shorter, I have interests, and I am beyond your poor make out skills now.

He just said he saw my name and it was very spontaneous to text me and remembered i was cute. Here’s where i got back and forth with my self esteem, first I was like here we go again, tell me something I don’t know, but also like thx acknowledgment I don’t look bad lol

Idk, just so random. I forgot about him. Glen said he climbed with him too when I brought him up. So weird.

Kirbey brought him and Lizzy up since they went to Flume, I mean cool I guess, but also I saw the cutest photo of him on fb like aw you look so happy which made me unhappy. But I remembered, although I want to repress him so bad, I need to remember the mistakes I made, the mistakes of how I was treated, and to remember that communication is everything. Seriously. It’s okay. I am actually at the point where I love my life and love where my life is going, and that scares me. I know I am growing and I am beginning to receive the opportunities, love, and support I deserve. I am beyond grateful and the glory goes to those surrounding me and major help from the universe.

Taking these weird missteps and reminders of lessons, although I am slut, I am also worthy of better. Deserve to be attracted to someone dope and deserve to have me as well as me deserving him. Two way street. I am starting to understand balance and the meaning of give and take. 

Boys is weird. Life is weird. Beautiful weekend with Gib and Rose. Played Bop It a lot and talked about how bad of moms we’d be. I love them. I want them around for a long while. The stars while camping were incredible. 

well the lesson and love i receive take me place. 

I had the scary thought of what if one of my friend died, rose in particular became point of struggle, what would I say? How would I cope? I thought of a quick tattoo design and realized I don’t ever want to think about that ever again. It freaks me the fuck out how I rely on them so much. My friends are like my family and I want to go to the ends of the earth for them. They can drive me crazy, but that show how close they are. Much love for those around. 

Laughter, life, lessons and LOVE all coming ahead. I surrender all to God and those looking out for me. I promise to trust and put in the work necessary. I need to work on rebuilding kindness and empathy. LOVE LOVE LOVE. GOOD STUFF AHEAD. 

[yikesyoked]

healing and letting go

year theme.

progress.

i deserve the best for myself and from others. 

[yikesyoked]

Tipping point

I feel like I am on the brink of something amazing.

Rose pushes me to fight through my anxiety and become a better human. I am not anxious, just excited. That’s how I am trying to frame it. 

GRiZ is coming up. School is starting. A new job. Her campus Senior Editor. Climate Justice League Recruitment Coordinator. 

Maybe interning Universal Music Group. Special and Live Events Volunteer for KWVA.  Whole foods?

LOL. I wanna do it all.

The travel bug. Itch to start a fresh, new. Friends. Finally raising my boy standards. I am done with the bullshit. 

I am starting what I want to be. I am going to become who I aspire to be. 

My confidence is starting to return. I need to manage my time, and figure out what I want to pour my soul into, while other things just serve as training bases, fun interests. I’ll figure it out. 

I love myself. I love my friends and family to the moon and beyond. While some say glory to God (which I’ll give him/her/them credit) much os the good that happens in my world, is because of those around me supporting me. I could be not be more thankful with the ample opportunity. Between NYC, Israel, Bend, Music Events, Hikes, Food, Working at the Pool. Everything is beautiful and I am thankful to be alive. The nerves and my stomach happen. 

I am so thankful about how little I feel stress.

This is my paradise, being home. It gives me the self confidence I need. Support. Love.