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Silent vows| K.Y.S
Pairing: Mafia!Yeosang x Reader
Genre: Arranged marriage, slight enemies to lovers, fluff
Word count: 22.4k
Warnings: forced marriage, emotional abuse, stalking, jealousy, implied violence, insecurity, yeosang is THE husband, we all want him
AN: Ok so happy belated birthday to my boy yeosang. The most prettiest, angelic mf I've ever seen. Like how can a man be so pretty and handsome at the same damn time. Also this was kinda like a prompt but I can't for the love of god find the comment. But you know who you are, thank you
Masterlist
âIâm not doing it.â
The words left your mouth before you could stop them, sharp and fast, cutting across the heavy air in the room like a blade. The study smelled like old leather and wood polish, the same way it always did when your father called you in for his lectures. But this wasnât a lecture. This was something else. He sat behind that heavy desk, wearing the same expression he always wore when he made decisions for other peopleâs livesâ calm, practiced, untouchable.
âThis isnât a request,â he answered, barely sparing you a glance. âItâs a responsibility.â
You couldâve laughed. Honestly, you almost did. Responsibility. That word sounded hilarious coming out of his mouth. What did he know about responsibility? The only thing he was responsible for was dragging this family name around town like it was some royal crest, acting like being respected by neighbors counted for anything real in the world.
âYou donât get to sell me off like Iâm aââ
âEnough.â
Just that one word. Quiet. Heavy. And somehow louder than your shouting could ever be. Your mother was standing near the window, arms folded like she was cold even though the room was warm. She didnât speak. She never did, not in front of him. Just stood there looking outside, twisting her rings like she could disappear into the carpet if she tried hard enough. You hated that you werenât even surprised.
âThis marriage will benefit this family,â your father continued, smoothing his sleeves like this was some business meeting. âWeâve built this name for generations. And you will protect it.â
You clenched your fists tighter, nails biting into your palms. âYour reputation doesnât mean anything outside this stupid town.â
It slipped before you could stop it, but you didnât regret it. You meant it. All these formal dinners, these family events, these endless talks about legacyâ all of it felt empty. Like a dying empire pretending it was still a kingdom.
âThis family has survived longer than youâve been alive,â your father shot back, finally meeting your gaze with steel in his eyes. âAnd youâll do your part to make sure it stays that way.â
You could feel the walls closing in. You could feel your freedom shrinking, curling in on itself, suffocating before you could even scream.
âKang Yeosang.â
The name hit you like a slap. Sharp. Direct. Cold. You knew that name. Everyone did. Not because he was some loud, reckless criminalâno, worse than that. He was dangerous in a way that didnât make noise. Dangerous in the way silent oceans are. You donât notice how deep they are until youâre already halfway sunk.
âWhy him?â you asked, throat dry.
Your father barely blinked. âBecause his familyâs name will keep ours alive.â
Alive. Like this was survival. Like marrying you off to someone you didnât even know was a favor. Like it was a gift. You hated how calm he was about it. You hated how your mother still hadnât said a single word. You hated how small you felt in that moment, standing in a house you used to believe was home.
âIâm not going to his house,â you muttered finally, stubbornness flaring even when your heart was hammering in your chest. âYou can make me marry him, but Iâm not moving in with someâ some stranger.â
For a second, you thought maybeâjust maybeâthat would get a reaction. That something in him would soften, crack, break.
It didnât.
Instead, he stood. Calm. Slow. Adjusting the cuffs of his shirt with careful precision, like he was bored of the conversation already. âYou will,â he said softly. âYouâll go to his house, youâll be his wife, and youâll do whatâs expected of you.â âAnd if I donât?â you pushed, lifting your chin like you werenât breaking inside.
His gaze sharpened just enough for the threat underneath to show, sharp and cold as glass. âThen Iâll handle it my way.â
You knew what his way meant. Not blood. Not mafia violence. But ruin. Reputation torn apart. Family turned against you. Friends pushed away. He knew how to break you the polite way, the respectable way. Quiet destruction in the form of shame.
You swallowed thick, hot air that didnât want to go down.
âI hate you,â you breathed.
But your father was already walking away, steps quiet against the polished floor.
âI can live with that.â
Your throat burned with all the things you wanted to scream, but only one thing came out. âWhat about my studies?â
It sounded small. Weak. But it was the only lifeline you could grab onto in that moment. Something that was yours. The one thing you had left that wasnât part of their family dinners, or reputation games, or polite handshakes pretending to be alliances.
University was supposed to be your escape. Not glamorous. Not perfect. But it was freedom in its own, small wayâearly mornings, long commutes, paper deadlines, friends who didnât care about who your father was.
Your father barely reacted.
âYou can continue after the wedding,â he answered flatly, as if you were asking if you could have dessert after dinner.
You stared at him. âAfter?â
âYes. Youâll still attend.â
But you knew what that meant. You knew the weight behind those words. After the wedding. After moving into a strangerâs house. After taking his last name. After your life wasnât yours anymore. Technically, sureâyou could go back. Physically, you could sit in the same classrooms, scribble in the same notebooks. But it wouldnât be the same. Not with whispers curling behind your back. Not with people watching you like you were an exhibit. âThatâs herâthe girl who married into them.â
It would hang on you like invisible chains. Dragging behind you everywhere you went.
And worst of allâyou wouldnât be able to come home. Not really. Not to this family. Not to your old life. Youâd have a new last name, a new house, a new set of rules written by someone elseâs hand.
The walls of the study felt like they were closing in.
âI donât want this,â you said, quieter this time. No yelling. Just raw honesty, like a last ditch effort to claw your way out. âThis isnât my life.â
Your father looked at you the same way he looked at accounts on paper. Math. Numbers. Problems to solve, not feelings to fix.
âIt is now.â
Simple. Unforgiving. Final.
You could almost feel the weight of your choices shrinking down to nothing. Every dream you used to picture folded neatly into a little box, pushed aside for family names and legacy dinners with strangers in pressed suits. Your stomach twisted. Hot. Cold. Rage and panic mixing together until you couldnât tell which was worse.
You wanted to shout, wanted to break something, wanted to drag this perfect little empire down brick by brick just to prove you couldâbut you stood there frozen, fists clenched, staring at a man who would never, ever see you as anything but his tool first.
Come to the house.â
âNow?â
âNow.â
Yeosang sighed, rubbing his hand over his jaw. âAlright. Be there in twenty.â
It wasnât unusualâgetting called over like this. His father didnât waste words, didnât waste visits. If he was calling, it meant something needed handling.
By the time he got to the mansion, the gates were already open like they always were when they expected him. The house was quiet, the same way expensive places areâgrand, but not loud about it. Just old money tastefully sitting in every piece of polished wood.
His father was already in the study when Yeosang stepped inside, standing by the window, one hand in his pocket like it was muscle memory by now. Glass of whiskey in the other. Of course.
âYouâre early,â his father said without turning around.
âYou said now.â
His father finally looked over, gave him that familiar once-over like he was assessing a report. âFair enough.â
There was a beat of silence. Not tense. Just quiet.
Thenâ
âThereâs going to be a wedding.â
Yeosang blinked once. âYours?â
His father gave him a flat look, one eyebrow raising the way it always did when Yeosang was being difficult on purpose. âYours.â
Yeosang huffed a breath, somewhere between a laugh and a sigh, stepping further into the room. âThat supposed to be funny?â
His father didnât smile. âIâm serious.â
Yeosang stood still for a second, tongue pressing against the inside of his cheek. âIs that what you dragged me here for? Couldâve sent a text.â
âThis isnât a text conversation.â
âYouâd be surprised what can be said over text these days.â
That earned the smallest twitch at the corner of his fatherâs mouth. Approval, maybe. Maybe not. Hard to tell with him.
âItâs arranged,â his father said, cutting through Yeosangâs deflection cleanly. âHer familyâs name still matters in this town. Not rich, not influential in our way, but solid. Traditional. The kind of people who care about reputation more than their own comfort.â
Yeosang tilted his head slightly. âSo⌠charity work?â
âStrategy,â his father corrected smoothly. âThey need stability. We donât need much from them, but it keeps everything clean.â
âClean,â Yeosang repeated under his breath. He crossed his arms, leaning his shoulder against the doorframe. âAnd Iâm guessing I donât get a vote?â
âYou get an understanding. Thatâs enough.â
Yeosang didnât argue. Not because he agreed, but because he knew there was no point. This was how it worked. Give and take. Favors. Names. Quiet deals behind closed doors.
He exhaled through his nose. âWho is she?â
âY/L/Nâs daughter.â
Yeosangâs brow ticked. âDidnât know they had one.â
âNot surprising. They keep her out of sight. Books, classes, family dinners. But they need her to secure their name before it fades.â
Yeosang thought about that for a second. Reputation marriages were common enough. Boring, mostly. People shaking hands over other peopleâs futures like it was stock trading.
âYouâve met her?â he asked.
âBriefly. Enough to know sheâs going to fight it.â
âGreat.â
His father glanced at him then, sharp. âNot your job to like it. Just your job to make it work.â
âI didnât say I wouldnât,â Yeosang muttered, rolling his jaw. âIâm just saying⌠if sheâs gonna be difficult, itâs gonna be annoying.â
His fatherâs gaze didnât soften, but there was a certain understanding there. âYouâll handle it.â
Yeosang let out a dry chuckle. âYeah,â he said, pushing off the doorframe. âGuess I will.â
As he turned to leave, his father added quietly, âThis isnât punishment.â
âI know.â
And he did. This was just how things worked. Fair or notâhis life wasnât completely his own anymore. Yeosang sat behind the wheel, thumb tapping against the steering wheel as he pulled out of the driveway. Headlights cutting clean lines through the dark street, smooth turns, muscle memory driving him home while his mind drifted elsewhere.
Marriage. Arranged.
He scoffed quietly to himself, shaking his head once. What was he supposed to do with someone elseâs family name attached to his life?
Some sheltered daughter of a traditional family, probably the kind who spent too much money on handbags and complained when the AC wasnât cold enough. He could already hear the whining. Could already see the way sheâd expect to live in his place, treat it like a hotel, float through his routine like an expensive perfume he didnât ask to wear.
No, that wasnât happening.
Maybe heâd buy her an apartment somewhere else. Nothing fancy, but decent enough. They could do the whole photo ops thing, wear the rings, play nice for the public, then go back to separate lives. Paper marriage. Clean. Or worseâshe could be one of those girls who latched on for money. Gold digger. Probably already imagining his credit cards with her initials on the back.
He pressed his tongue to his cheek in irritation. God, he hated gold diggers.
Maybe sheâd show up to the first meeting with some designer bag acting shy, but batting lashes like she knew exactly how to play the game. All wide eyes and fake humility. Great. Just what he neededâanother headache in heels.
And the nameâYN.
It felt familiar. Couldnât place it, but the reputation was old enough to echo through town. Traditional. Reputed. The type of family that prided themselves on manners but ate each other alive behind closed doors.
The kind that smiled with their teeth.
He drummed his fingers once more, sharp taps on the leather, jaw set.
Alright.
If he was going to be stuck with this arrangement, he might as well know what he was dealing with. And he wasnât about to walk into it blind. He had resources. Skills. Connections that didnât come from LinkedIn profiles or polite family dinners. If they thought he was going to just sit back and play along without checking her first, they clearly didnât know him well enough.
Fine. If she was going to be part of his life, even on paper, heâd find out exactly who she wasâbefore she even stepped in the same room as him.
He flicked his blinker, turning toward his penthouse, already thinking about who to call first.
Letâs see what Miss YN was hiding.
By the time Yeosang finished, he knew more about her than her own family probably did.
Universityâsmall, local, nothing flashy. Biology major. Not exactly the typical rich family trophy daughter. No branded handbags, no influencer lifestyle. Her socials were barely active. Private, even. Most of her posts were old, nothing more than the occasional picture of a sunset or food she cooked. No thirst traps. No fake aesthetic feeds.
She liked drawing. Had an old art account that hadnât been touched in monthsâmessy sketches of flowers and animals, all pencil or black ink. Crochet too. Random photos of half-finished scarves stuffed in a drawer. Cookingâsimple recipes, home stuff, not the kind of thing you post to show off, just to remember.
Her friends? A few from university. Small group chats. Normal conversations. Mostly about classes, complaining about assignments, nothing interesting. No clubbing pictures. No vacation shots with secret boyfriends tagged under fake accounts.
The further he dug, the more it annoyed himânot because he found anything bad, but because he didnât. No scandals, no secret plans to social climb, no hidden motives that screamed gold digger or spoiled brat.
She was just⌠boring.
Boring in the way people are when theyâre not trying to be noticed. And for some reason, that irritated him more than if she had been a problem.
Yeosang leaned back in his chair, tossing his phone on the table. Elbow propped on the armrest, hand running through his hair, frustration curling at the edges of his jaw.
Great. Now he was stuck marrying some quiet, awkward, crochet-making biology nerd who probably spent more time reading textbooks than thinking about designer clothes. Not exactly the chaos he was expecting.
But that was fine.
Boring or not, it didnât change the situation. Didnât change the fact that she probably didnât want this marriage any more than he did. Didnât change the fact that, like it or not, she was about to become his problem.
The small cafe tucked between two old bookstores smelled like cinnamon and burnt espresso, the kind of place youâd miss unless you were looking for it. Y/N liked it that wayâquiet, steady, familiar. No loud music, no influencers with tripods. Just people who liked good coffee and minding their own business.
She stepped up to the counter, eyes scanning the pastries before glancing at the girl behind the register. âI love your hair,â she said softly, a small smile pulling at her lips. âThat color looks really good on you.â The girl blinked, caught off guard, then smiled wide. âOh! Thank youâI just dyed it last week.â
Y/N nodded, pleased. Compliments were easy. They made people softer. And the girl was pretty, her pastel blue curls tucked behind her ear like she wasnât sure yet if she liked them. Little things like that made the world feel less sharp.
She ordered her coffee, tucked herself into the corner seat like she always did, pulling her notebook out of her bag. Pages filled with messy diagrams, doodles in the margins, recipes scrawled sideways between molecular structures.
What she didnât noticeâwhat no one noticedâwas the man sitting at the table near the window, fingers idly circling the rim of his untouched cup, black baseball cap low over his brow.
Yeosang watched all of it with that same steady, unreadable expression he always wore when he was thinking too much. He wasnât even sure why he was there. Habit, maybe. Curiosity. Boredom. The fact that the more he found out about her, the more it didnât add up with what he expected. Normal girls didnât compliment strangers just because. Normal girlsâespecially daughters of families clawing for reputationâwere supposed to be fake polite. Smile, nod, move on. But she meant it. He could tell. You didnât fake that kind of tone.
He watched the way she curled into herself, scribbling in that notebook like the rest of the world didnât exist, lips pressed into a soft frown of concentration.
Just a quiet girl who looked like she was holding herself together with coffee and stubbornness.
Yeosang leaned back in his chair, crossing one ankle over his knee, jaw ticking once. This was going to be annoying in a completely different way. Y/N didnât notice him when she left.
He watched her go, watched the way she shrugged her bag higher onto her shoulder, thumb absentmindedly rubbing at a little ink stain on her wrist from writing earlier. She moved like someone used to being unnoticed, like she liked it that way. The door chimed behind her, soft and forgettable.
Yeosang waited a beat, then stood, shoving his hands into his coat pockets as he stepped out onto the street. He wasnât planning to follow her. Not really. That wasnât his thing. He wasnât the lurking type. But something about the whole thing felt unfinishedâlike heâd walked into a movie halfway through and now he needed to know how it ended, even if it was boring. Especially because it was boring.
She turned down one of the smaller streets, familiar paths clearly mapped in her head. She didnât hesitate. Not once. Like sheâd walked this way so many times her feet didnât need permission anymore.
Normal. PredictableâŚ.Except for the part where, in a few weeks, her life wouldnât be.
That was the thing gnawing at the edge of his mind. She didnât know yet. Not fully. Probably knew about the arrangement, sure, but she didnât know what marrying into his family meant. What marrying him meant. She looked like she still had hope things would be fine. Like she still thought she could negotiate her way out of it if she used the right tone with her father.
Cute.
He wasnât cruel. He wasnât the type to tear down someone just because he could. But he wasnât about to let someone walk into his life acting like it was optional.
This marriage was happening. She was going to be his. And the sooner she realized that, the easier it was going to be for both of them.
Yeosang sighed, pulling his cap lower as he turned the opposite direction, heading back toward his car. No point in being seen. Not yet. Heâd play it properly, like he always didâlet the introductions happen the way their fathers arranged, act like this was his first time seeing her. Civil. Normal.
For now, she could keep her quiet cafes and notebooks full of diagrams.
Soon enough, sheâd be sitting across from him at a dinner table pretending she wasnât thinking about escape routes.
And when that time cameâ
Heâd enjoy watching the fight leave her eyes when she realized there werenât any.
The dining room was too polished. Everything in it felt like it belonged in a magazineâheavy chairs, polished forks, crystal glasses that didnât belong to people who used them often. It smelled faintly like expensive old wood and control.
Y/N sat straight, shoulders set, jaw locked like sheâd been preparing for this her entire life. Polite daughter. Obedient. Chin slightly tilted upânot too much to look rude, just enough to show she wasnât going to shatter on command.
Across the table, Yeosang sat with his elbow resting lazily on the armrest, fingers tapping slow against the tablecloth. His gaze was on her, not in the obvious way, not wide-eyed or curiousâmore like someone reading a file they already memorized but going over it again for fun.
âSo,â his father started, formal tone sharp around the edges, âthis is long overdue.â
Her father chuckled lightly, already halfway sunk into the leather chair like this was a golf meeting. âWeâve been meaning to sit down properly.â
Yeosang barely blinked. âMm.â
Y/N didnât look at him at first. Her eyes were trained on her plate, expression soft but unreadable, like sheâd pulled politeness over herself like armor. When she finally did glance at him, it wasnât shyâit was calculated. Brave. Probably spent the last week practicing it in the mirror.
Didnât matter.
He knew everything already. Biology major. Draws on the side. Probably keeps her yarn stuffed in a drawer somewhere in that tiny bedroom of hers. Ordinary, and for some reason, that irritated him more than anything else could have.
Their parents carried the conversation like businessmen. Deals, family names, subtle remarks about strengthening ties. It wasnât a dinnerâit was a contract, disguised in roast chicken and overpriced wine.
Yeosangâs eyes didnât leave her.
Y/N shifted her grip on the napkin under the table, folding it tighter in her palm. Eyes stayed lowânot on purpose, not because she was scaredâbut because eye contact always felt like permission for people to ask more questions. And she wasnât in the mood to explain herself to anyone at that table.
Yeosang sat across from her, speaking with her father like he wasnât being sized up for marriage. Confident. Comfortable in a room full of expectations. His voice was steady, like someone used to being listened to, used to having the final word in a conversation. The kind of steady that didnât need raising.
His father said something about ties between families. Her father hummed in agreement. Someone poured more wine. The edge of Yeosangâs gaze cut toward her briefly. He didnât stare. Just checked. Like someone glancing at a watch to see how much longer they had to stay.
âSo,â his voice finally reached her side of the table, low, smooth, without decoration, âbiology.â
Her fork hovered, not quite raised, not quite lowered. âYeah.â
He waited. No explanation followed. No polite rambling about how she got into it, what she wanted to do with it, how hard it was balancing studies with life. Just that quiet confirmation, like she wasnât going to give him more than that unless dragged.
Something about that pulled a faint curve to the corner of his mouthânot a smile, not even close, just interest. Her fingers folded the napkin tighter.
âYou gonna finish that?â he asked, eyes flicking to the untouched half of roasted potatoes on her plate.
Finally, her eyes met his. Not soft, not flirtyâflat. Careful. âDo you want it?â
He shrugged once. âDidnât think you were shy about eating.â âIâm not.â
He raised an eyebrow, mildly amused. âGood.â
Silence again, heavy but not uncomfortable. Just two people used to not needing to fill it. Her father started speaking about how she could continue studying after marriage, casual, like saying weâll paint the guest room next week. She didnât bother correcting him, though the heaviness in her chest said she wanted to. No way it would actually work that easily.
She didnât say anything else for the rest of the meal. Yeosang didnât, either.
He just watched her, like a lion watching something smallânot because he wanted to pounce, but because he was curious if it was going to run. Neither of them moved first.
Yeosang watched the way her fingers kept folding the napkin tighter and tighter, like if she could just make it small enough, she could disappear into it. But her expression didnât match the tension in her hands. She didnât look flustered. Didnât look desperate. Just⌠controlled. Like someone whoâd been living with locked doors their whole life and knew better than to jiggle the handle too loud. Interesting.
âDo you usually not talk,â he murmured, cutting into the silence, âor is that just for me?â
The faintest breath of humor pulled at her nose before she could stop it. âDepends.â
âOn?â
She let her gaze flick upânot to his eyes, just above them. âWhether or not the person across from me deserves it.â His tongue pressed to the inside of his cheek, and for a second, he almost laughed. Almost. This wasnât what he expected. Spoiled daughters didnât sit at tables folding napkins into perfect squares like they were holding knives in their laps.
And she didnât look at him properly, not even once. Not because she was scared. Because she didnât care. But she would.
Not in the way girls cared about him normally. Not wide-eyed or hopeful. No, she was going to care when she realized exactly how much of her life was about to be decided for her whether she folded napkins or full pages of essays. And the funny thing wasâhe didnât want to break her. He just wanted to watch how long she could hold that line before she blinked first.
After the dinner dragged itself to its dull, polished conclusion, with the adults shaking hands over dessert like theyâd just signed a treaty, Yeosang leaned back in his chair, elbow resting against the polished wood, fingertips brushing his jaw like he was thinking something over. And maybe he was. But the look in his eyes said this was calculated.
âSo,â he said casually, but with the kind of weight that immediately drew the attention of both families, âhow about next Thursday?â
The words dropped into the space between them with a deliberate softness, like a stone hitting still water. No one moved. His father raised a brow slightly, clearly pleased with the display of initiative. Her father smiled, the kind of smile fathers wear when they think their daughterâs life is finally falling in line. And Y/NâY/N kept her fingers on the edge of her plate, eyes flickering up to Yeosang, finally, properly, but only for a second.
âThursday?â she echoed, like she needed to make sure she heard him right, even though she absolutely had.
He nodded once, slow, composed. âNext week. Youâll be free, wonât you?â
It wasnât a question. Not really. Not with the way every eye at that table turned toward her, expectant, waiting for her to be agreeable. Marriage was already settled like property; a casual dinner date wasnât going to shake the foundation of that, but somehow, this felt worse.
Her jaw tensed before she could stop it, irritation curling hot under her ribsânot because she didnât expect him to test her, but because he chose Thursday. Her only weekday off. Her only breathing space. Her only time where nobody expected her to be anything, say anything, do anything. She studied late on Thursdays, sometimes sat in the library doing nothing but scribbling messy notes on scrap paper that didnât mean anything, just because she could. And now he was looking at her like he knew that. Like heâd planned that.
âI suppose,â she muttered, voice clipped, polite, lined with quiet annoyance that no one but him seemed sharp enough to hear. âSince youâve already picked the day for me.â
Their fathers chuckled, pleased at the display of future marital bliss like they were in on some great joke. His father gave him that approving glanceâthe good, take responsibility look that was passed between powerful men in rooms like this. But Yeosang wasnât watching anyone else. Just her. Measuring. Testing. Curious how far she could fold before snapping.
âYouâll like it,â he said simply. No tease. No apology. No smile.
She didnât respond. Just folded the napkin in her lap one more time before setting it neatly on the table like she was handling something fragile. She didnât look at him again, not because she was shy, but because she knew better. If she did, itâd feel like she was giving him something.
And right now, she wasnât in the mood to give him anything. But she was curious now. Why Thursday?
Yeosang saw everything. He wasnât sitting there with that calm posture and steady gaze for showâhe was trained for this, raised on discipline sharper than any blade, molded under the expectation that one day he would carry the weight of something much heavier than family name. He was observant. Always. And while everyone at that table was busy patting each otherâs backs over the success of an arranged marriage neither party asked for, Yeosang was watching her like a map he was learning by memory.
It was the way she folded the napkinânot once, not twice, but over and over. Each time, pressing it smaller, sharper, tucking corners like she wanted it neat but not too neat, controlled but never pristine. People who folded things that many times werenât trying to fidgetâthey were trying to manage something they couldnât put words to. Heâd seen it in tense meetings, watched rival leaders smooth the edges of cufflinks or touch their watches repeatedly when they were hiding nerves or holding in words they couldnât say aloud.
And she didnât even realize she was doing it.
But that wasnât the only thing. He caught the tiny shifts in her posture whenever her parents leaned too close, a subtle lean awayânot disrespectful, not obvious, just barely enough to create distance like muscle memory. She didnât flinch. She didnât recoil. She managed it. As if that small separation was the only thing keeping her breathing steadily through this whole suffocating display of family pride.
Then there was her food. The careful way she pushed it around her plate, not because she was picky or entitled, but because eating under watchful eyes wasnât the same as eating alone. Separating textures, shapes, colors, almost like categorizing parts of herself she wasnât ready to share yet. It wasnât disinterestâit was control. She was being studied, so she gave them nothing. Not even in the way she chewed.
Most people didnât notice these things. Hell, most people didnât even know they did them. But Yeosang saw it all like someone reading subtitles under a movie no one else could hear. And with every fold of that napkin, with every subtle lean of her shoulder, with every glance that never quite met anyone elseâs fully, he knew one thing for certainâ
She was no ordinary girl.
No spoiled daughter. No meek little thing waiting for a husband to save her from some sheltered life. There was something under that careful silence, something sharp, something waiting. Not the loud kind of defianceâbut the quiet kind that made revolutions possible if left alone too long.
Yeosang didnât know what that thing was yet. But he wanted to. Not to break her. Not to tame her. Not even to get under her skin. He just wanted to see what would happen if someone finally pressed back. And he was more than prepared to be that someone.
But he was no saint, either. Sure, Yeosang was observant. Sure, he was sharp, disciplined, raised on a steady diet of politics, violence, and strategyâbut he was also his fatherâs son. And that bloodline came with one very particular curse: the chronic, unrelenting need to poke at things just to see what sound they made when they cracked. It wasnât malicious. It wasnât even personal. It was just in his bones.
And sheâsitting there with her neat napkin folding and careful glances and that stubborn refusal to give him anythingâwas basically gift-wrapped for that exact kind of cruelty.
Admit it. He was intrigued by her, sure. But more than that, there was an itch under his skin when he looked at her, this annoying, bratty curiosity that made him want to press buttons just to see what sheâd do. Not because he wanted to humiliate her. Not because he wanted to watch her fall apart. No, it was because she didnât flinch. And that was interesting. Different. Everyone flinched eventuallyâbut she just⌠adjusted.
And she looked cute annoyed.
Not the whiny, spoiled kind of cute. Not the bratty, helpless kind. The kind of cute that made him want to lean closer, just to see if her voice would crack the same way her napkin did under her fingers.
He shouldnât care. He shouldnât even be here, technically, wasting brainpower on reading into a girl he was being forced to marry by family names he didnât even particularly respect. But here he was, running mental diagnostics on someoneâs napkin folding like it was part of a case file, and liking it more than he should.
And if he was going to be dragged into this circus of arranged happiness, he might as well have fun while he was at it.
Testing her? It wasnât just strategy anymore. It was entertainment. Annoying her? That was just hereditary.
She really didnât want to go.
Likeâborderline, jump-off-the-balcony level of not wanting to go. Not because she thought it would fix anything, not because she was dramatic, but because the sheer dread of giving up the one day that belonged to her made her stomach twist. It was Thursday. Thursday was hers. Her one breath in a week full of held ones. Her one clean, unclaimed square of time where no one asked her to smile, or marry, or fold herself into something palatable.
But she didnât jump, because that wasnât how good girls act.
Her motherâs voice echoed in the bathroom as she brushed mascara through her lashes. âBe agreeable, Y/N. Donât embarrass us. Youâre not going to be one of those girls with tantrums and police reports. Youâre better than that.â
Better. Whatever that meant.
So she got dressed. Pulled on clothes that said I didnât try but I still look good because if she was going to be dragged into this, she was going to do it on her terms. She tied her shoes like she was tightening a tether around her own ankles. Did her makeupânot too much, not too little, just enough to look alive, to hide the exhaustion that simmered under polite nods and family dinners.
And when she finally looked at herself in the mirror, it wasnât vanity staring back. It was survival. Thursday. Her Thursday. And now she was about to spend it across from him.
That annoying Yeosang with his sharp eyes and careful words, with his Iâm watching you energy and the quiet smugness that didnât need smiles or stupid flirting to make itself known. She could already hear his voice in her head, perfectly even, perfectly annoying.
And yetâshe still tied her hair the way she liked it. Still put on her favorite necklace. Not for him. For herself. Because if she was going to war, she might as well wear armor.
She went down the stairs like muscle memory, footsteps light but steady, not really registering anything around her. Her parents said somethingâmaybe a wish, maybe a warning, maybe one of those sugary âbe goodâ reminders her mother loved so much. But it was all white noise, just the hum of life happening in the background of a mind that was already somewhere else entirely.
She didnât ignore them on purpose. She was just zoned out. The kind of zoned out where you donât even realize your keys are already in your hand, or that you locked the door behind you without thinking about it. Automatic. Like when youâre walking to class with music on and suddenly youâre already at the building, but you donât remember crossing the street.
She didnât remember leaving the front door. Didnât remember if sheâd even said goodbye, or if her mom had tried to fix the fold of her sleeve one last time like she always did. And she definitely didnât see him until she stepped out onto the pavement and felt him.
Thereâs a specific kind of awareness that happens when someoneâs eyes are already on you before youâve noticed them. Like a silent tap on the shoulder. She glanced upâ
âand there he was.
Leaning back comfortably in the driverâs seat of a sleek black car, windows down just enough to catch the breeze, one hand draped over the steering wheel like he had all the time in the world. Rap music playing in the background, not quiet but not obnoxiously loud. And that expressionânot quite a smile, definitely not a grin, just that irritating curve of satisfaction people wore when theyâd predicted something exactly right. Smug wasnât even the word for it. It was too clean. Too Yeosang. Of course he was already here.
Of course he was watching her like he knew she wouldnât have noticed him until now. She blinked once, slow, lips pressed in a thin line, and then kept walking. Didnât acknowledge him, didnât offer a greeting, just moved like she was late for something even though she wasnât.
He leaned slightly forward as she approached, tapping his fingers once against the steering wheel, eyes glinting with that silent, irritating amusement.
You walked towards the car, your steps slower than usual, annoyance bubbling up at the sight of him sitting there, looking far too comfortable. You crossed your arms and leaned slightly against the door, giving him a flat look.
âI wasnât aware you were picking me up,â you said, trying to keep your voice neutral. It came out a little sharper than intended, but you couldn't help it. This whole thing felt off, like you were being dragged into a game that you hadnât agreed to play.
Yeosang just looked at you with that annoying, cocky expression, the one that always made your blood boil, and shrugged a shoulder. "Well, you should've been. Itâs not like you had many options."
You felt a flicker of irritation, but it quickly settled into a calm mask. You werenât about to give him the satisfaction of showing how much he got under your skin. Moving towards the backdoor, you reached for the handle, ready to slide in and get this over with.
Before you could even touch it, the car locked with a loud click.
You froze.
What the hell?
You looked up at him, surprised. He just sat there, still with that casual air, his eyes gleaming as if he was waiting for a reaction.
âExcuse me?â you said, narrowing your eyes.
Without missing a beat, he simply pointed to the passenger seat with an almost lazy gesture. "Sit there."
You blinked at him. You were about to say somethingâprobably something rudeâbut you stopped yourself. There was no way you were going to let him mess with you like this. Still, you didnât argue. You didn't have the energy to fight him over something so trivial. The car door opened with a quick swipe, and you slid in, your gaze still sharp but subdued.
Yeosang didnât speak again as you buckled your seatbelt, his attention shifting to the road as he put the car in drive. The silence between you felt heavy, but you couldnât bring yourself to break it. It was better this way. Better not to engage, better to keep things surface-level.
The ride was awkward. Well, for you, at least. Yeosang didnât seem to feel it. His posture was relaxed, one hand on the wheel, the other resting lazily on the gear, like he was driving down to the beach with friends and not chauffeuring his future wife to some forced date neither of you wanted.
But you sat there, arms crossed, eyes out the window, chewing the inside of your cheek. And then it hit you. Wait. Is that Kendrick Lamarâs Reincarnated playing?
You blinked, eyes flickering toward the dashboard like you could confirm it with just a glance at the stereo. The beat was unmistakable, that heavy bass, sharp snare, and those layered vocals riding smooth over the instrumental. Of all the people to be playing Kendrick Lamar at full volumeâit had to be him.
The irritation in your chest shifted slightly, replaced by something⌠warmer. Familiar. For a secondâjust a secondâyou forgot you were on your way to spend your Thursday afternoon with the most annoying man alive. You knew this song. Knew it.
Mentally, you started mouthing the lyrics in your head, matching every bar, every breath, every sharp flip of cadence like muscle memory. Word to word. Clean. Like second skin. It wasnât loud in your expression, but your mind was in full concert mode, rapping like youâd been waiting for this exact song to save you from the awkwardness.
And for the first time since you sat in that car, you didnât feel bored.
Without even realizing it, your fingers had started tapping against your thigh, following the beat with this natural kind of ease that only happens when something feels right. The awkwardness melted just slightlyânot completely, but enough that you didnât feel like throwing yourself out of the moving car anymore.
But thenâ
The song ended, and before you could even mourn the silenceâanother Kendrick song started playing. Different album. Same vibe. Same unmistakable energy. You frowned slightly, eyes flicking to the stereo now like it had betrayed you. Two Kendrick songs in a row? Coincidence?
You sat there for a second, staring ahead, lips pressing into a thin line as your brain worked overtime. Sure, it couldâve been a coincidence. Everyone liked Kendrick, right? But this felt⌠deliberate. Like someone had put it on a playlist. Was he doing it on purpose? Is he a fan too?
You glanced at him, cautious, like you didnât want to give him the satisfaction of catching you interestedâbut curiosity was starting to override irritation. He was just driving like usual, one hand lazily adjusting the volume like it was background noise to him. But something about how casual he looked felt rehearsed.
It didnât sit right with you. Couldâve been random. Couldâve been a setup. Or⌠couldâve been both. But either way, you werenât about to ask first. Nope. Not happening.
You just leaned back against the seat, eyes steady out the window, tapping your fingers again, this time not just because of the beatâbut because you were thinking.
Yeosang was way too pleased with himself.
Not that he showed it outwardlyâno smug grin, no teasing comments just yetâbut inside? Yeah. He was damn near proud. Everything was going exactly how he wanted. Calculated. Controlled. Planned with the kind of precision that came from years of watching, learning, and franklyâbeing too damn good at reading people.
He knew everything he needed to know about you. Hellâhe probably knew more about you than you did. He knew Thursday was your free day. Knew how you carved it out for yourself like it was holy ground. Thatâs exactly why he chose today to drag you out. Not because he wanted to ruin it. Noâbecause it would be the one thing you couldnât say no to. Youâd either have to cancel your only peace of the week or face himâand he knew youâd pick facing him. Pride. Predictable.
He knew you didnât like going outânot with family, not with friends, barely even by yourself. So, he came to you. Made it easy. Familiar car. Private. No excuses to back out last minute because âI didnât feel like taking a cabâ or âthe bus was crowdedâ. Nah. He had you cornered, comfortably.
And the music? That wasnât a coincidence, either. Heâd seen the playlist. Hell, heâd memorized the damn playlist. Kendrick Lamar was your favorite in the rap genre, and it just so happened Kendrick was on his heavy rotation too, so it didnât even feel forced. Just enough familiarity to make you settle in, just enough to make your fingers tap without realizing, to get you thinking maybe this wonât be as bad as I thought.
He didnât need to ask you what you liked. He knew what you liked. Yeosangâs father didnât raise foolsâand Yeosang wasnât about to start disappointing now.
He kept his eyes on the road, face clean of expression, like he didnât know exactly what you were thinking. Like he hadnât already played this scene out in his head a dozen times. You were stubborn, yeahâbut he was patient. And precise.
He didnât want to break you. Nah. That was boring. He wanted to watch. Watch how long you could act like you didnât care. Watch how long you could pretend you werenât curious. Watch how long it took before you realizedâyou werenât the only one with sharp edges.
And yeah, he liked rap too. Lucky you.
The car rolled to a smooth stop, the hum of the engine cutting off and leaving behind the faint echo of Kendrickâs verse lingering in your head. You looked around, blinking slowly. Parking lot.
What kind of parking lot? You didnât know. Big building, a few cars around, that slightly industrial vibe, but nothing familiar. You didnât go out enough to tell which part of town this was, and franklyâyou didnât care. You just wanted to get this over with.
With a sigh, you reached for your seatbelt, pressing the button to unclip itâŚNothing.
You pressed it again, harder this time, like maybe the extra force would convince it to listen to you. Nothing moved. âOh, come onââ you muttered under your breath, tugging at the strap now with growing frustration. Typical. Typical. Of course this was happening. On today of all days. And the last thing you wanted to doâthe very lastâwas ask him for help. But pride had limits, and youâd already used up most of yours agreeing to this disaster of a âdate.â
You glanced at him reluctantly. âItâs stuck.â
He didnât even pretend to be surprised. Didnât flinch, didnât chuckleâjust leaned slightly toward you, unbothered, one hand moving with irritating ease to the buckle. The button clicked effortlessly under his fingers like it had just been waiting for him to do it.
âSee?â he murmured, voice low, that smug little undertone threading beneath it. âI knew youâd need me eventually.â
Your jaw clenched, and you shot him a look that couldâve killed a weaker man on the spot. âIt was broken.â
âOf course it was,â he replied, tone dripping with mock sympathy, before pushing his door open and stepping out like nothing just happened.
You sat there for a second, heat prickling at the back of your neck, wishing the ground would swallow you wholeâbut no such luck.
Fine. Whatever. You pushed your door open too, standing straight, brushing down your clothes like you hadnât just been humiliated by a seatbelt. You wouldnât let him have the last word. Not yet. Not ever.
You followed him, not knowing where you were going, but very aware of two things:
1. This was going to be a long day.
2. You hated how nice his stupid cologne smelled when he walked ahead of you.
But you had no intention of making this easy for him.
So, as soon as you both started walking, you slowed your paceânot obviously, not dramaticallyâjust⌠enough. Enough to make it mildly irritating. Enough to make him notice. You werenât even really doing it on purpose; he was just tall, and apparently, tall people had no concept of walking like normal humans. His strides were three of yours combined, and you refusedârefusedâto jog after him like some lost puppy.
If he wanted to drag you around, he was going to work for it. But the irritating thing? He didnât say a word. Didnât huff, didnât throw a glance over his shoulder, didnât tell you to hurry up like you half expected. He just walked, silent, hands in his pockets like this was the most casual thing in the world.
Until suddenly, about ten steps ahead, he stopped. Just stood there.
You narrowed your eyes, fully prepared for some passive-aggressive remark or maybe a sarcastic clap. You were ready for it. Bring it on. But insteadâhe just turned around and⌠held out his hand. You stared at it like it was something you didnât understand.
The hell was that supposed to mean?
Your eyes flicked up to his face, searching for the usual sharp comment or hidden smirkâbut nothing. He just stood there, hand out, expression unreadable but steady. âGrab on,â he said, like it was obvious. You blinked, caught between being offended and⌠genuinely confused. âWhat?â
âYouâre slow,â he said simply, like he was pointing out the weather. âSo grab on.â
You stared at his hand, then back at his face. âIâm not slow. Youâre just fast.â
âWhatever helps you sleep at night,â he said under his breath. âNow grab on before I make you.â
You didnât move for a second. Pride screamed no, but practicality⌠well, it was tired of jogging every five steps to keep up. And something about the way he said itâfirm, low, steadyânot mocking, not playful, just⌠expectingâit made that prickling nervousness crawl up your spine again. You hated that tone.
But your hand moved anyway, slipping into his, your fingers curling awkwardly, like you didnât know what to do with yourself. His grip was steady, firmâbut not crushing. Not controlling. Just⌠leading.
Without another word, he started walking again, pulling you gently but efficiently alongside him, adjusting his paceânot entirely slowing down, but enough that you didnât have to scramble. You hated how⌠easy it felt. Hated it more that your hand stayed there.
The deeper you both walked, the clearer it gotâit wasnât just some random building or a casual cafe. It was a restaurant. A fancy one.
Not just white tablecloth fancy, but crystal glasses, piano music playing softly in the background, waiters dressed better than your uncles at weddings kind of fancy. And honestly? It was too much.
Your dad never took you to places like this. Never. Said restaurants were a scam, said home food was better, cheaper, cleanerâbut you knew better. Youâd seen the unpaid bills, the receipts stuffed into drawers, the phone calls with that low, desperate tone he didnât think you could hear. Gambling debt didnât leave room for filet mignon or imported wine. Youâd spent your life quietly excusing it, brushing it off, pretending you didnât want this kind of thing anyway.
But standing here now, in this giant pristine place with soft golden lighting and tables spaced way too far apart, you felt like an imposter. Like you were wearing someone elseâs shoes in a room you didnât belong in. It was overwhelming. Too bright. Too clean. Too silent. Everyone here looked like they belonged. And youâyou didnât even know which fork to use first.
You hadnât realized it at first, but your body did. Instinctively, without even thinking, you found yourself scooting closer to him. Not dramaticallyânot enough to look weirdâbut just enough that the space between you narrowed. Like proximity alone could make you smaller, safer, less obvious. The worst part?
It felt natural.
You hated that. Hated that the man you were mentally arguing with for the past hour was now also the one person here who felt vaguely familiar.
Yeosang noticed, of course he did. The tension of your shoulder brushing barely against his arm, the shift of your body tilting slightly toward hisâhe clocked it instantly. But he didnât comment. Didnât give you that teasing remark you were bracing for. Instead, his fingers adjusted slightly around yours, like he was anchoring you there. Silent. Steady. Just a solid presence beside all the marble floors and velvet chairs.
He didnât say a word. But you felt it anyway. âI got you.â
Some guyâmanager, waiter, whateverâshowed up then, all polite smiles and expensive cologne, greeting Yeosang like they were long-lost friends or something. Said something about the table being ready, offered some words you didnât really catch because your brain was too busy buzzing with nerves.
You werenât listening. Didnât want to. Everything felt too sharp around the edges. Before you could even process it properly, Yeosang had your hand again, guiding you forward with that same casual grip, not giving you the chance to hesitate. It wasnât forceful, just⌠confident. Like he already knew youâd follow.
And you did.
He led you through rows of softly murmuring people until you reached a tableânot entirely private, but tucked into a little alcove, partly hidden by frosted glass panels and low plants. Enough separation that you didnât feel like fish in a tank, but not so hidden that it felt awkward. It was nice. Comfortable in a way you hadnât expected.
Yeosang didnât miss a beat. He stepped around you andâof courseâpulled out the chair. You hesitated for half a second, eyes flickering up at him. No teasing expression. No sharp remark waiting. Just a simple gesture, like this was routine.
You sat down, the chair gliding smoothly beneath you, and he pushed it in with practiced ease. For a brief second, you hated how nice that felt. Not because of him. But because no one had done that before. Not dates, not family, not anyone.
You adjusted your sleeves awkwardly, trying not to fidget, while he walked around and took his own seat, leaning back with that effortless comfort like this was his living room and not a restaurant with menus you probably couldnât even afford to read.
He picked up the menu with one hand, flipping through it casually like this wasnât his first time hereâwhich, judging by how the staff greeted him, you were sure it wasnât. His eyes scanned the pages, sharp and focused, while the other hand rested lazily on the edge of the table. After a moment, he looked up, right at you. âWhat do you want?â
It shouldnât have been a complicated question. Normal people would just⌠answer. Say pasta, steak, whatever. But for some reason, your throat tightened. It wasnât nervesânot exactly. Just⌠indecision.
All your life, someone had chosen for you. Your mom, mostly. Always ordering for you at restaurantsânever asking, just assuming. Always brushing off your opinions as âItâs not good for you,â or âYou wonât like it.â Somewhere along the line, you stopped bothering to decide. It felt easier that way.
So you did the only thing that felt natural, default almost. âWhatever youâre having.â Yeosang paused.
His jaw ticked slightly, almost like he was holding back a sighâbut not in frustration. More like⌠patience. âThatâs not how this works,â he said, voice lower, steady, like someone reasoning with a kid who was trying to eat candy for breakfast. âYou donât just copy.â
You shrugged, defensive, staring at the polished wood of the table. âI donât know whatâs good.â
âItâs not that deep,â he finished for you, lips twitching slightlyâbut not in mockery, just amusement. âItâs just food. Pick what you want.â
The thing was⌠no one had ever given you choices like that. Not explained them patiently. Not acted like your opinion actually mattered, even in something as small as dinner. It made your chest feel weirdly tight. Like you wanted to be mad, but couldnât quite find the reason.
Yeosang didnât press further. Just leaned back again, waving over the waiter with a lazy flick of his fingers, like this was the most normal thing in the world. But you sat there with the menu still open in your hands, staring at itâŚ
Thatâs when it hit youâthe slow, creeping embarrassment settling in the pit of your stomach.
You didnât know how to read menus.
Not like literally not knowing how to read, but⌠you didnât know how to understand them. Fancy restaurant menus werenât in normal languageâthey were in that rich people language. Words like confit, beurre blanc, something-something reductionâyou didnât even know if you were ordering food or furniture. The more you stared at it, the worse it got. Everything blurred together until it just looked like noise on paper.
Your hand twitched slightly on the edge of the menu, the corners of it curling under your fingertips. You didnât even know how to begin. Finally, you gave up. Quietly. Awkwardly. You placed the menu down and looked at himâreally looked at himâfor the first time all evening. Gone was the irritation, the stubborn defiance. Instead, it was something softer. Not defeated, but pleading.
âCan you just⌠choose?â you asked, voice low, almost hoping he wouldnât make a scene about it.
For a second, he just stared at you. No teasing, no smug smileâjust studying you. Calculating. Then, instead of making a big deal about it, he nodded once, sharp, like this was all perfectly normal. âAlright,â he murmured. âBut youâre still gonna have choices.â
And then, like it was muscle memory, he listed things off. Simple. No complicated words, no long-winded chef specials.
âDo you want red sauce or white?â
âChicken or beef?â
âWant dessert or not?â
Just basic questions, no extra fluff. Like someone breaking down rocket science to math tables. By the time he was done, it actually sounded like a meal, not a puzzle.
And without realizing it, youâd started folding the cloth napkin again. Neatly. Sharply. Fold, unfold, fold, unfold. It was muscle memory at this pointâyour fingers always needed something to do. Something to control, even when nothing else made sense.
Somewhere along the way, heâd passed you his napkin too. You didnât even notice it. Just that at some point, your hands had another one to work with. Your mind didnât register it; your body just accepted it, thankful for the extra fabric to keep you grounded.
It was quiet. Subtle. No words, no glances, no gestures. And while you kept folding and unfolding that napkin like your life depended on it, he just sat there across from you, arms resting lazily on the table, ordering both your meals in that steady voice like this wasnât even a thing.
He didnât act like he was helping. And you didnât notice you were being helped.
While you were busy poking at the carefully cut chicken on your plateâeating but not really tastingâYeosang sat across from you, trying not to lose his mind.
Cuteness aggression. That was the only way to describe it. Like he wanted to bite something or hit the tableânot out of anger, but because you were just too much.
It wasnât just the way youâd quietly surrendered, letting him order for you like it was nothing. It wasnât just the way your fingers kept working that napkin like you didnât even know you were doing it. It was the whole pictureâthe you of it all. Sitting there, looking like the softest thing in the sharpest world.
And that cardigan you were wearing? Please. He could tell by the stitching it was handmade. Probably by you. The unevenness of the cuffs, the slightly imperfect patternsâno brand could fake that kind of charm. You didnât even know how much that cardigan was giving you away, how much of you was stitched into every row.
It made something in his chest tighten, like he wanted to tuck you somewhere safe. His pocket. A drawer. Somewhere you couldnât get overwhelmed by menus and loud places and useless fathers.
But he still played it cool, leaning back a little, eyes glinting as he ran his thumb along the edge of his fork like he wasnât thinking borderline insane things about a girl he just met. He glanced at the cardigan, then back at you, voice dropping casual but knowing.
âYou make that?â
You blinked, pausing mid-bite. âWhat?â
âThat cardigan,â he said, tone light, like they were talking about the weather. âYou made it?â
You hesitated. Not because you were embarrassedâmore because no one really noticed that kind of thing. Definitely not guys like him. But⌠you nodded. âYeah.â
A lazy grin, sharp but not mocking, pulled at the corner of his mouth. âFigured. Looks like you.â
That sentence alone made your stomach flip in ways you didnât have the energy to process. You didnât even know what that meant. Looked like you? Quiet? Crocheted? Awkwardly stitched together? You didnât ask. You just looked back down at your plate, busying yourself with another bite, folding that second napkin again like it was holding the fabric of your nerves together.
Meanwhile, Yeosang sat there, feeling way too satisfied with himself. You were dangerously cute. And he was dangerously aware of it.
He dropped you off, making sure you got to your front door before pulling away. You didnât say muchâa quiet âthanks,â barely audibleâbut you didnât run away either. Progress.
But by the time he pulled into his fatherâs estate, parked the car, and stepped into the over-polished marble entrance, he was losing it. Hand over his mouth. Jaw tight. Muscles flexing like he was holding in a scream or something equally embarrassing. What the hell was that?
That wasnât supposed to happen. You were supposed to be annoying. Spoiled. Bratty. Some daddyâs princess with acrylic nails and too much perfume. You were supposed to be the type he could dump in a nice apartment and visit once a month with gifts so youâd stay quiet about the whole arrangement.
But you werenât. You were a mess. An organized, pretty, cardigan-wearing mess.
And worse, you didnât even know you were cute. You werenât even trying. You just sat there in that chair at that fancy-ass restaurant, folding napkins like they were some secret escape plan, wearing that handmade sweater like it wasnât making him feel like an insane person.
And now? Forget that whole buying-another-place plan. That idea was dead the moment he saw how small you looked sitting across from him. No way. You were staying where he could see you. Reach you. Annoy you on purpose if he felt like it. Which he did.
He stood in the foyer of his fatherâs mansion, hand dragging down his face, pacing a little in his boots.
God. He felt like squealing. Like actually kicking something, or punching the air, or rolling on the expensive carpet like a twelve-year-old with a crush.
âThis is insane,â he muttered to himself, like saying it out loud would make it make sense. It didnât.
You were in his head. Neatly folded like that stupid napkin you kept twisting around your fingers. And for the first time in a long time, Kang Yeosang didnât know whether he wanted to laugh, scream, or marry you right now.
The moment Yeosang stepped further into the house, hand dragging down his face, muttering like a lunatic, he heard itâthe unmistakable voice of his old man echoing from the sitting room. âWhy the hell do you look like a teenage girl who just got her first crush?â
Yeosang didnât even flinch. Didnât even stop pacing. Just waved his hand dismissively, as if to say donât start. His father stood there in his usual crisp shirt, whiskey glass in hand like always, giving him that unimpressed look fathers reserve for sons who donât follow in their exact footsteps.
âIâm serious,â his father huffed, stepping forward. âWhat the hellâs wrong with you? Why are you here anyway? Thought you liked hiding in that overpriced shoebox you call an apartment.â
Yeosang finally dropped his hand from his face, side-eyeing him, unimpressed. âRenovation,â he grumbled. âItâs getting fixed up. You want me to sleep on the street?â His father scoffed, taking a sip of his drink, shaking his head. âYou couldâve stayed at one of the hotels we own.â
âRight. And let everyone think Iâm homeless now. Good look for a mafia heir.â The older man narrowed his eyes, recognizing that tone. That annoying tone Yeosang always used when he was about to get smart-mouthed. âSo why are you pacing around here like some lovesick idiot?â
Yeosang clicked his tongue, glaring at the floor like it personally offended him. âItâs your fault.â
âMy fault?â
âYouâre the one that set me up with her.â
His fatherâs brow lifted. âDid she bite?â
âShe didnât even blink.â
That made his father laugh. Really laugh. Like belly laugh, hand pressed to his chest, deep and loud in that expensive, echoey house.
âGod,â Yeosang muttered under his breath. âYouâre actually enjoying this.â
âOf course I am,â his father smirked. âFinally met someone who doesnât fall apart under your pretty-boy nonsense. Good. You needed that.â
Yeosang rolled his jaw, annoyed beyond belief, but honestly? His dad wasnât wrong. His father waved his glass toward him. âWhatâs the problem, then? I thought you were going to dump her in a penthouse and get on with life.â
âYeah, that planâs dead.â
âWhy?â
Yeosang just stood there, defeated. âSheâs tooââ
âWhat? Petty? Weird? Mean?â
ââŚSoft.â
His father blinked, confused. âSoft?â
Yeosang didnât elaborate. Didnât have to. Soft in a way that made him want to ruin someoneâs life if they made you cry. Soft in a way that made him want to drag you closer by the wrist when you got overwhelmed. Soft in a way that pissed him off because he liked it too much. His father just shook his head, amused, like he knew exactly what kind of hell Yeosang was walking into. âGood luck with that, Romeo.â
âShut up.â
You did not expect this. A casual text? Fine. Him calling you just to âcheck inâ? Annoying, but tolerable. Even him dragging you out on those stupid dates now and thenâyou could live with that. But this? Showing up to your university?
What the actual hell was wrong with him?
It wasnât even subtle. Of course it wasnât subtle. Not with that stupid black car of his parked right at the entrance, shining like a beacon of unwanted attention. Not with him leaning against the door like he was shooting a damn commercial, sleeves rolled up, sunglasses pushed into his hair, looking like every other manâs nightmare and every other womanâs distraction.
And people noticed. Oh, they noticed. Girls whispering, eyes widening, phones coming out to take sneaky pictures. A group of guys near the library basically breaking their necks trying to get a better look. And you?
You wanted the ground to open up and swallow you whole. He had the audacity to wave at you. Like this was normal. Like this wasnât blowing up the very careful life of low attention, quiet exits, donât talk to me Iâm just here to graduate you had built for yourself.
You speed-walked. Not even pretending anymore. Walked up to him so fast it looked like you were about to commit a crime. âWhat the hell are you doing?â you hissed under your breath, shoving at his shoulder, eyes darting around like you were being followed by paparazzi.
âPicking you up,â he said, casual as you liked, like this wasnât the most embarrassing moment of your life unfolding in real time.
âGet in the car,â you snapped. âNow.â
And, the bastard, he laughed. Laughed like this was a game.
Still, he obeyed, sliding into the driverâs seat like he was doing you a favor. You yanked the passenger door open, practically diving inside, head ducked like you were avoiding a sniper.
The moment the door shut you rounded on him. âAre you insane?â
âI missed you,â he said, like that explained anything.
âYou couldâveâ texted me or something! I donât need the whole uni thinking Iâm with someone richâ
âYou are with someone rich,â he corrected, one hand casually gripping the wheel, the other resting over the gear like this was a Sunday drive.
The car came to a stop in front of this sleek-looking storefront, all black glass and warm lighting, like one of those places you only see rich people walk into on TV shows. And because your life apparently wasnât embarrassing enough, Yeosang parked like he owned the building.
You looked at the place, then at him. âWhat is this?â
âJewelry,â he answered flatly, already stepping out of the car. Jewelry. Jewelry. As if that explained anything.
Before you could argue or even think, he came around, opened your door, and like a villain from a drama, dragged you inside by the wristânot harsh, but determined. The cold from the street clung to your clothes, your boots crunching against the salted sidewalk, but the moment you stepped insideâit was warm. Not just warm, but that kind of luxury warm, where the air smells faintly of expensive perfume and everything feels soft, even though nothing should be.
And you? You immediately felt your whole body loosen, just a little. It wasnât even intentional. The cold had been biting, sharp against your ears and the tip of your nose, and this? This was dangerous. Comforting. You could rot here, honestly. Just melt into one of the velvet chairs and stop existing.
Yeosang noticed.
Of course he noticed. He didnât miss anything about you. The way your shoulders relaxed. The way you almostâalmostâlet your head drop forward like you could fall asleep standing there.
He wanted to bite you. No, seriously. Bite. His jaw clenched just thinking about it. You looked too cute. With your knitted cardigan, snow-dusted boots, fidgety fingers already tugging at the sleeves. It was criminal. Illegal. Someone should lock you up for being this dangerous in public.
But he was strong. Barely. Barely holding himself back from grabbing you by the face and justâsquishing. Maybe even kissing that stupid annoyed expression off of you. Wouldâve been worth it. You were too busy shaking the snow from your sleeves to notice him battling for his sanity two feet away.
An employee walked over, all smiles and professional greetings, asking what you both needed today. You blinked at her like a deer caught in headlights.
Yeosang spoke first. âRings.â
You snapped your head to him. âWhat?â
âFor the engagement,â he said calmly, like duh, obviously. Your mouth opened. Then closed. Then opened again. âYou dragged me here for that? You couldâve warned meââ
âAnd ruin the surprise of watching you panic in real-time? No thanks.â You glared daggers into his skull, wishing you could teleport out of your own skin. âYouâre evil.â
âMm,â he hummed, eyes lazily drifting over the display cases. âYours?â
You blinked. âWhat?â
âRing size.â
âIâI donât know!â
His lips quirkedânot a smirk, you banned those, but just that annoying, knowing twitch that told you he was enjoying this too much. âFigures. Guess weâll find out together.â You honestly might combust right there on the jewelry shop floor.
Yeosang walked toward the counter with the same energy as someone about to close a business deal. Calm. Focused. Casual power.
You stayed frozen for a beat, still stunned at the whole situation, until your feet moved on their own. Before you realized it, you were right beside him, eyes locking onto the display.
And thatâs when it hit you. The rings. They were gorgeous. Not just shiny-for-the-sake-of-shinyâbut delicate, beautiful. Rings with elegant stones, simple but detailed bands, not the overdone flashy stuff but the kind that made you think: if I wore that, maybe I wouldnât feel so small.
You leaned in without realizing, gaze scanning over each one like a kid at a candy storeâbut also a little sad. You never let yourself want things like that. What was the point? Your parents could never buy you things like this. You grew up being handed the practical, the necessary. Wanting was a waste of time.
But Yeosang saw it. All of it.
The way your fingers twitched at your sides like you wanted to reach out but didnât. The slight glassiness in your stareânot tears, but that lost look people got when they wanted something badly but were too used to swallowing it down.
To him? Your eyes were sparkling. Bright, full of that light people only showed when they forgot to hide. He couldnât stop looking at you. The whole room couldâve caught fire, and he wouldnât have noticed.
He leaned closer, voice lower. âSee something you like?â
You snapped out of it, blinking up at him like youâd just been caught stealing. âIâI was just looking,â you muttered, instantly defensive, shoving your hands into the sleeves of your cardigan. âDidnât say I wanted anything.â
But Yeosang wasnât even listening to the words coming out of your mouth. He was too busy cataloguing everything you didnât say. The spark. The hesitation. The soft way your lip pressed against your teeth when you held back from speaking. You werenât loud, werenât clingy, werenât bratty like he thought you might beâyou were quiet. Observant. Someone who shrank herself just to survive.
Yeah, no. You werenât leaving his sight ever again. âGood,â he said, nonchalantly signaling to the employee. âBecause weâre not leaving until you try some on.â You shot him a glare. âWhat is this, Pretty Woman?â âMore like Pretty Annoyed FiancĂŠe.â His eyes flicked down to you, sharp and amused. âCâmon. Humor me.â
You stared at the rows and rows of rings like they were mocking you. Every shape, every color, every shine â how the hell were you supposed to pick one? Your fingers hovered over the glass, not touching, just hovering, like maybe the right one would start glowing or something. But nothing did.
It wasnât that you didnât like them. It was that you liked all of them, and also none of them, because your brain kept whispering, what if you pick the wrong one? What if you regret it? You didnât get choices growing up, not real ones. Every decision was always someone elseâs to make for you â your clothes, your food, even your damn hair. The few times you got to choose something, it was met with criticism or disappointment. No wonder your chest felt tight standing here.
âI canât,â you muttered under your breath, frustrated. âThey all look⌠I donât know.â Yeosang watched, hands tucked in his pockets, silent. But not with judgment. More like studying. He could see it happeningâthe way you kept retreating into yourself, that familiar shrinking posture like you were bracing for someone to yell at you for being annoying or difficult.
He didnât like that. Not one bit.
Without warning, he stepped closer, leaning down near your ear, voice lower, firmer. âWeâre not doing that here.â You blinked up at him. âWhatââ âWeâre not doing that thing where you act like youâre a burden for existing,â he continued, tone steady but not harsh. âYou like something, you say it. You donât like something, you say it. You donât have to know what you want right now, but donât stand here apologizing for breathing.â
Your throat went dry. No oneâs ever talked to you like that before. Not mean. Not fake sweet. Just⌠steady. Like he meant it. Like he wasnât going to move until you heard him. âIâm not apologizing,â you finally muttered, defensive. He raised an eyebrow. âYouâre folding into yourself like someoneâs about to slap your wrist.â
Your jaw tightened. âThatâs just how I stand.â
âMhm,â he hummed, not convinced for a second.
You wanted to shove him. You also wanted to crawl under the display case and disappear. But somewhere deep down, embarrassingly deep, you also wanted to grab his sleeve and lean into him like a tired stray cat. But instead, you just shoved your sleeves up higher and looked at the rings again. âFine. Iâll try some.â
âThatâs my girl,â he murmured, barely loud enough to catch, but you caught it. And you hated that you liked how it sounded.
You picked up one of the rings, delicate and shimmering with tiny embedded stones. It wasnât flashy in the way rich people wear thingsâit was pretty. Simple. Something you could see yourself wearing every day.
But then it hit you like a slap. The price. What the hell were you doing? Just choosing whatever looked nice like you werenât broke half your life? Like your mom didnât yell at you for picking snacks that were âš20 more expensive than the local brand?
You started searching the display, eyes darting, looking for price tags like a madwoman. But it was one of those places. No prices on anything. Which only meant one thingâif you have to ask, you canât afford it.
Panic started tightening in your chest. You werenât stupid. You knew this whole setup was expensive. Expensive coat racks, expensive chairs, expensive air. And here you were like some idiot playing dress-up, picking rings you couldnât afford in three lifetimes. âUh⌠whatâs the price on these?â you asked quietly, almost hoping he didnât hear you.
But of course he did.
Yeosang, standing beside you with his annoying posture of âI own everything I touch,â just glanced down at you, one brow raised. âWhy?â You gave him a look. âWhat do you mean why? Theyâre probably⌠crazy expensive. I donât wanna-â âYou think I brought you here to worry about prices?â he interrupted, eyes sharp now.
You blinked. âWell, yeah? This isnât a grocery store, I canât just-â âDo I look like the kind of man whoâs going to let you think about numbers right now?â His tone wasnât harsh. But it wasnât soft, either. It was just⌠Yeosang. Calm, slightly amused, slightly annoyed, fully in charge.
You hated how warm your ears felt.
âI donâtââ
âI said pick.â
His voice was low this time. Not rude. Not cold. Just that tone that slides down your spine and makes your stomach clench in the weirdest way. Firm. Dominant, even. But not because he was trying to be machoâit was just who he was. You stood there frozen for a second before whispering, âThey donât even have prices on themââ
âThey donât have prices,â he cut you off, leaning closer so only you could hear, âbecause the people who shop here donât need to ask.â
You swore your knees nearly gave out.
âAnd right now,â he added, hand lightly brushing your lower back as if guiding you forward, âyouâre with me. So that makes you one of those people. Pick.â You swallowed hard, looked down at the rings, then up at him.
His gaze didnât waver. âOr,â he added, eyes glinting, âdo you want me to choose for you again?â
God help youâyou almost said yes.
The wedding was hectic.
Not in the âfun chaosâ way you saw in moviesâno, this was suffocating. Your cheeks hurt from fake smiling at people you didnât even know. The scent of flowers was so strong it made you lightheaded. The jewelry was heavy, and the outfit? Beautiful, yeah, but you could barely breathe.
After the ceremony, when the music was loud and people were starting to eat, you sat in a corner. Just existing. You were chewing blandly on some sweet, not even tasting it. The small cushion under you was probably worth someoneâs rent, but you sat like you were at some boring family reunion.
Yeosang did ask you last month if you wanted to invite your friends. You had been fixing your cardigan sleeve at the time and barely looked up. âDonât really⌠have any.â
It wasnât sad when you said it. Just a fact. You said it the way someone says, âYeah, I donât like tea,â or âIâve never been to Goa.â Just plain. But you felt it sting more now, seeing his friendsâ8 of themâlaughing on the other side of the venue like this was just some party.
Meanwhile, you sat with your cousin. The only one in your family who didnât belittle you constantly or make subtle comments about you being âtoo old to be unmarriedâ or âtoo quiet for your own good.â He didnât say much either. Probably didnât even care. But you preferred that. Quiet company was better than company with sharp tongues.
Your eyes wandered across the room. Yeosang was standing with his friends, of course. One of them threw his arm around Yeosangâs shoulder, laughing about something. And then Yeosang glanced at you. It was briefâbut he looked. And when his gaze met yours, it wasnât pity, or amusement, or even awkwardness.
It was⌠knowing.
Like he knew you didnât want to be there. Like he understood exactly what it felt like to be surrounded by noise and not feel like you belonged in it. And for a momentâjust a secondâyou didnât feel alone in that room. Of course, the moment passed when your cousin nudged you and asked if you were going to eat your chicken.
You gave it to him without a word, gaze still lingering on the man across the room who, apparently, now belonged to you.
The ride home was torture. Your jewelry felt like chains, the embroidery on your dress scratched at your skin with every small shift, and your hairâoh god, your scalp was screaming. You sat awkwardly, pressed up against the door, knees at an angle because the fabric wouldnât let you sit properly.
And Yeosang? He just drove like it was a normal day. Relaxed hand on the steering wheel, other resting against his thigh, occasionally glancing your way. He didnât say anything, but you knew he noticed you shifting every two minutes like you were sitting on needles.
By the time the car pulled up at the apartment complex, you were two seconds away from just tearing the sleeves off like some dramatic soap opera character.
It was lateâtoo late for nosy neighbors or anyone else to be hanging around. The whole building was quiet except for the low hum of the elevators. You followed him silently, heels clicking softly against the polished floor. And when the elevator doors opened to his placeâ
Yeah. Pinterest board aesthetic.
It wasnât over-the-top, but it was intentional. Clean lines, warm lightingânot those harsh white bulbs like your home had. The couch looked like it cost someoneâs college tuition, blankets folded neatly on the armrest like it was straight out of a home decor photoshoot. Shelves with actual books. Art that wasnât mass-produced prints. Little ceramic things on the side tables that you didnât know the use of but looked expensive anyway.
It didnât smell like dust or old carpet or fried onions like your house did after your mom cooked. It smelled like sandalwood and something slightly musky. Like him.
You just stood there by the entrance like a misplaced sticker on a clean page. He casually dropped his keys in a tray by the door and started undoing the buttons on his sleeves, rolling them up forearms first. âYou wanna change?â
Did you wanna change? You were two seconds away from climbing out of your own skin. You nodded silently.
Without a word, he pointed to a hallway. âThird door. Closetâs in there. Pick whatever. Bathroomâs attached.â As if it was nothing to offer someone full access to his wardrobe. As if he hadnât just brought his brand new wife into his home like someone bringing home takeout. You shuffled off like some fancy-dressed raccoon, already planning which oversized shirt you were gonna steal first.
You padded out of the bathroom, freshly freed from that suffocating dress, now wearing a soft oversized t-shirt that smelled like detergent and someone elseâs cologne, paired with pajama pants that pooled a bit at your ankles. Your hair was a mess, makeup slightly smudged from your tired hands rubbing your face. But you couldnât care less. Comfort first.
Yeosang was already lounging on the couch, changed into a black t-shirt that hugged his shoulders just right and grey sweatpants, one ankle lazily crossed over the other. Casual. Comfortable. Infuriatingly attractive. You stood there, awkward, arms crossed, twisting your fingers like you always did. âWhere⌠where am I supposed to sleep?â
He didnât even hesitate. Just pointed with two fingers toward the hallway. âSecond room on the right.â You nodded and started walking, but something tugged at you. A gut feeling. Something wasnât right. Second roomâŚ
Curiosity dragged you to peek, and when you opened the door, your stomach dropped. Black sheets. Black pillows. Black walls. Not pitch dark, but matteâsleek. Expensive. His room. You didnât need to ask. That man screamed black-on-black energy. You stormed back into the living room, eyes narrowed. âThatâs your room.â
He looked up from his phone slowly, mouth twitchingânot into a smirk, just that faint amusement he always wore when he knew he was pushing your buttons. âYeah. I know.â You stared at him, blinking. âWhy did you point me there?â He set his phone down like this was about to be a full conversation. âWeâre married now. Married people share a bed.â
You gawked at him. âThatâs not a rule.â
âIt is now.â
God, you hated that. That casual dominance. Not loud, not aggressive. Just matter of fact. Like he said it, so itâs law now.
âYouâre annoying.â
âYou married me.â
âWe were arranged.â
âSame thing.â
You rolled your eyes so hard they almost got stuck, turning on your heel to storm back to the room. And yet⌠you didnât really argue more, did you? Because deep down, under the irritation, you couldnât help but feel that same stupid warmth creeping up your neck.
If he wanted to be cocky, fine. Two can play that game.
You marched back to his room like you owned the place, plopped yourself dead in the center of the king-sized bed, limbs spread like a starfish, sinking into the expensive sheets like you were born for this. If he wanted drama, you were going to give him cinema. Moments later, the door creaked open, and you heard his footsteps approaching. You didnât look. You just knew from the way the air shifted, from the scent of his cologne mixing with the faint smell of fabric softener on the bedding.
Silence for a second. ThenââReally?â
You cracked an eye open. He was standing at the edge of the bed, arms crossed, one eyebrow raised, the faintest curve on his lipsânot quite a smile, not quite mockery. âYouâre gonna starfish in my bed?â
You yawned, stretching even further like a cat on a sunny windowsill. âYou said it was our bed,â you said pointedly, throwing his own words back at him with venom-laced sweetness. âIâm just following instructions.â
He looked at you for a beat longer. Then, very slowly, very annoyingly, grinned. âFine,â he said, voice deep and lazy. âBut if you stay like that, Iâll just sleep on top of you.â Your eyes snapped open fully, heart jolting so fast it almost echoed in your ears. âYou wouldnât.â
âOh, I would.â
It wasnât even a threatâit was a promise. That calm tone, that glint in his eyesâhe meant it.
You groaned and scrambled to your side of the bed, flustered beyond measure, hating him more with every second and somehow hating yourself for feeling heat crawling up your neck. âYouâre insane,â you muttered, adjusting the pillow aggressively.
Behind you, you could practically hear his satisfied smirk, even though you werenât going to turn around to give him the satisfaction of seeing your face.
âMarried life, sweetheart,â he murmured, climbing in on his side, making the mattress dip. âWelcome to it.â
You didnât know what devil possessed you to say it, but the words just slipped out, dripping with faux innocence as you looked straight at him.
âI have weird sleeping habits,â you murmured casually, adjusting the blanket like it was the most normal conversation. âLike⌠Iâll keep rubbing my leg on yours until you put your leg on top of mine.â
Silence.
You didnât dare look at him yet, but you could feel the way his posture stiffened beside you, like your words short-circuited something in that annoyingly sharp brain of his. Thenâsoftly, almost too casualâcame his voice, deep and quiet, âIs that a threat or a promise?â
You slowly turned your head to him, blinking, pretending to be confused. âWhat do you mean?â His jaw tensed slightly, like he was holding back a laughâor something else. âI meanââ he leaned in just a bit, enough for his voice to drop that octave lower that made your stupid heart stutter, ââif you keep talking like that, Iâm gonna start wondering if you want me to put my leg over yours.â
You hated that heat crawling up your skin, hated that he was good at this stupid game, hated that he was better at it than you, hated that you wanted to keep going anyway.
So you did.
âWhy would I want that?â you shot back, voice steady, gaze sharp but your hands fidgeting with the edge of the blanket. âItâs just a habit.â
âRight,â he said, laying his head on the pillow now, one arm tucked behind his head, looking absolutely unbothered. âJust a habit.â
You laid down too, facing the other way, stubborn. The tension between you two was thick, and you both knew it. Then, after a beat, you felt itâthe slow weight of his leg draping lazily over yours. âIâm just helping with your habit,â he murmured, so close you felt the warmth of his breath by your ear.
âIâm serious,â you said, voice flat, not backing down. âItâs true. I canât sleep unless someoneâs leg is over mine. And I always hug something too. Itâs likeâcomfort or whatever. Dunno. Been like that since forever.â
Honestly, you thought that would be the final straw. That heâd roll his eyes, scoff, maybe throw a pillow at you and head to the couch like any sane person would. Maybe you were hoping for that. Maybe you didnât want to admit how weirdly safe this felt. Either way, you braced yourself for irritation, for that cocky remark, for something.
But nothing came.
Insteadâyou missed itâthe way Yeosang stared at you like he was physically restraining himself. Like some internal monologue was yelling donât say it, donât call her cute, donât ruin it, donât scare her off. But how could he not? You? Looking like that? Saying stuff like that? In his bed? Wrapped in his blanket, in his shirt? Talking about hugging things like you werenât already curled up like a goddamn kitten?
He was having a crisis.
âOkay,â he finally said, calm. Too calm. Suspiciously calm. You frowned, glancing back at him. âOkay?â âYeah.â He adjusted slightly, the mattress dipping with his weight. âLegâs already over yours. Go ahead. Hug something.â
You glared at him. âI donât have anything to hug.â His lips quirked slightly at that. Barely. But you caught it.
âYouâve got two arms, donât you?â You wanted to slap him. Genuinely. But alsoânot really.
Fine. FINE.
You stubbornly grabbed the pillow, hugging it tight to your chest and trying to sleep. Silent. Annoyed. Flustered. All of it. And Yeosang? He laid there, eyes on the ceiling, teeth sinking into his lip just to physically restrain himself from smiling like an idiot. If only you knew how close he was to dragging you into his chest just to see how flustered youâd get then.
Cute. Way too cute. He was so screwed.
You were out. Completely gone, knocked out like you hadnât had proper sleep in weeks. Leg tucked neatly under his like you said you would, hugging his pillow like your life depended on it, your face mushed against the fabric, lips slightly parted in a soft pout you didnât even know you had.
Yeosang was having a spiritual crisis. What was this? What was this feeling? Cuteness aggression? Probably. He felt like he could actually bite you. Not to hurt youâgod noâbut just toâarghâbecause how could one human look that cute doing absolutely nothing?
His jaw flexed, teeth grinding softly as he stared at you, eyes darting between the way your fingers curled into the pillow, to the little crease forming on your cheek from the way you were pressed against it.
It wasnât fair. It shouldnât be allowed. He felt like punching the wall just to let some of the weird, frustrated fondness out of his system. The urge to squeeze you like some plush toy was nearly overwhelming.
And the worst part?
You didnât even know.
Didnât know the way youâd completely tangled yourself around his leg without a second thought. Didnât know how absolutely tiny you looked curled up in his bed. Didnât know how soft your breathing sounded in the dim light filtering through the curtains.
Yeosang stared at the ceiling for a good minute, breathing slow, eyes closed, fighting the very cellular urge in his bones to scoop you up and justâkeep you. Like, forever. Pocket you. Protect you. Instead, he carefully shifted, tucking the blanket around you a little tighter, letting your leg stay right where it was. He glanced at you one last time before shutting his own eyes.
Completely, utterly ruined by the universe. Absolutely smitten. And you? You just drooled a little on his pillow.
Perfect.
Morning light spilled through the sheer curtains, soft and annoyingly gentle. Your eyes fluttered open, adjusting to the brightnessâand then it hit you.
You were holding something warm. Something that breathed. It wasnât a pillow. It was him.
Your heart stopped for a solid second. Somewhere between falling asleep and now, the pillow had betrayed youâreplaced by Yeosang. Your arm was across his torso, fingers curled loosely into the fabric of his shirt. Worse, one of your legs had completely decided that boundaries were optional and had hooked over his, practically hugging him like some oversized teddy bear.
What the actualâ
You moved so carefully, like one wrong twitch would make the earth explode. Slowly untangling yourself, your breath hitched when you saw his hand resting lazily over your arm, like heâd pulled you closer in his sleep. That just made it worse.
Finally, finally, you untangled yourself, slipping out of bed like a secret agent on a stealth mission. The floor was cold beneath your feet, but your entire body was flushed with embarrassment anyway. Without sparing him another glance, you practically ran into the bathroom, shutting the door behind you with a soft click.
The second you were alone, you let out a silent scream, face buried in your hands. God. Why. Why you. You turned the shower on, letting the sound of running water drown out your embarrassment. Maybe you could drown in it too while you were at it.
Meanwhile, back in the bedroom, Yeosang cracked one eye open, staring at the ceiling with the smallest ghost of a grin.
âThought so,â he whispered to himself. That damn pillow never stood a chance.
Yeosang lay there, staring at the ceiling like it had all the answers to lifeâs greatest mysteries. His hand absentmindedly touched the part of his shirt where your hand had been curled into just moments ago. The warmth was gone, but the imprint of it â of you â stuck like some permanent tattoo on his chest.
What the hell was this feeling? No, seriously, what was this feeling?
He had always thought love was supposed to be a slow thing. Like aging whiskey. Like taking your sweet time to ruin someone in a chess game. But this? This felt like a truck hit him. A small, anxious kitten-shaped truck with pouty lips and messy hair in the morning.
It was stupid. He knew it was stupid. You were barely in his life for what? Few months? And yet here he was, already thinking like some washed-up romantic lead in a drama. It wasnât even funny anymore.
He dragged a hand across his face and groaned softly, staring at the bathroom door where steam was now rolling from the gap under the frame. The thought of you in there â wearing that sleepy pout, probably muttering under your breath about your parents or about how annoying he was â it made his chest feel tight in the weirdest, most annoying way.
Was this how his dad felt about his mom? Cause that man always did dumb shit just to annoy her, but never went a day without holding her hand.
He was whipped. Fully, entirely, embarrassingly whipped. And he wasnât even fighting it anymore. Hell, he was enjoying it. âI swear to god,â he muttered to himself, eyes shutting like he was trying to meditate through the emotional breakdown, âif she ever figures this out, Iâm finished.â But knowing you? You wouldnât. You were too busy folding napkins, avoiding eye contact, acting like you werenât the most precious thing to ever annoy the hell out of him.
And godâhe liked having a wife. A wife.
He let that word roll around in his head like a marble, both terrifying and oddly satisfying. If you stayed in that shower any longer, he might just combust. And honestly? Heâd die smiling.
You came out of the bathroom with damp hair sticking slightly to the sides of your face, the oversized t-shirt hanging loose on your frame, sleeves falling a little off your shoulders, pajama pants riding up slightly at the ankles. You rubbed your hand against your face, trying to wipe off the last remnants of sleep, but honestly, your head was still foggy. You werenât even fully functioning yet.
And there he was. Still in bed.
Liar. You could tell he wasnât sleeping anymore. Before, he was on his back, legs spread out like some rich brat on vacation. Now? He was on his side, perfectly composed like he was acting asleep. And he was good at it. But not good enough for you.
With irritation bubbling up â mostly because you were up, and why should you be the only one awake suffering in awkward new-wife-land â you stomped over to the bed and stood over him with crossed arms. You stared at the messy strands of hair falling into his stupidly handsome face. His lashes were thick, unfairly so. And his lips slightly parted like he wasnât living rent-free in your nerves already. He looked expensive even while pretending to be unconscious. Ugh.
Annoyed, you bent down and gave his shoulder a shove. âWake up.â
No response. Another shove. Harder this time. âWake up.â Finally, his eyes opened. Lazy, slow, like he was waking up from a peaceful dream of girls feeding him grapes or something. His voice was rough from sleep, deep in that way that made your brain short circuit for a second. âWhat?â he rasped, like you were disturbing his peace.
Your mouth opened, about to say something snarky, but then you paused. Why was he hot like this? Who gave him permission to be hot right after waking up? Hair a mess, voice low, sleep still hanging off his features like a silk sheet draped across expensive furniture. You forgot what you were gonna say for a second. Caught yourself blinking at him like an idiot.
He noticed. Of course he noticed. A smug little grin spread on his lips, lazy and cocky at the same time, like he was the main character in every stupid romance movie. You cleared your throat and stood up straight again, brushing invisible dust off your pants. âWhat⌠what do you want for breakfast?â
You hated how quiet you sounded. Like you were suddenly soft just because he was attractive. Which â you were soft, but he didnât have to know that. He sat up properly now, running a hand through his hair like he was in a commercial. âYouâre making breakfast?â he asked, raising a brow.
You shrugged. âWhat else am I supposed to do? Iâm awake.â He leaned back on his arms, eyes not leaving you for a second. âI didnât marry a housewife, you know.â Your jaw clenched. âIâm notââ you stopped yourself. âIâm just making breakfast because Iâm hungry.â
âYours?â he said suddenly, tilting his head.
You blinked. âWhat?â
âBreakfast. Yours or mine?â
You frowned. â...Whatâs the difference?â
He grinned, teeth showing this time. âYours is probably, like, toast or boiled eggs or something. Mineâs pancakes, bacon, syrup. Fancy shit.â
You deadpanned. âWho the hell eats pancakes on a weekday?â
âI do,â he answered smoothly, without missing a beat. âIâm rich, remember?â
You rolled your eyes so hard you almost saw your own brain. âFine. Yours. Whatever. Pancakes.â
Yeosang stepped into the bathroom, the door creaking softly behind him as he entered the faint warmth she left behind. The mirror was still fogged at the corners, drops of condensation trailing down lazily like the room itself hadnât quite woken up yet. The air smelled faintly of herâsomething floral, something sweet, and something unfamiliar but weirdly comforting.
He exhaled through his nose, steady and controlled, walking up to the sink. His eyes automatically landed on the toothbrush holder. His black toothbrush standing tall, firm, exactly where he always kept it.
And beside it⌠her pink one.
Smaller, softer looking, like it didnât belong. But it did. It really did. He stared at them both for a second, lips slightly parted, eyebrows drawn faintly togetherânot confused, but thoughtful. Something about seeing them together in the same cup twisted something warm in his chest. It wasnât dramatic. It wasnât fireworks or explosions or heartbeats racing so fast he couldnât breathe. It was⌠steady. Fulfilling. Quiet in the most dangerous way.
He loved it.
Not the pink color or the softness of it. He loved what it meant. Her using his things like they were hers now. The shared space. The toothbrushes leaning like companions. It was stupidâsomething small, something everydayâbut it was theirs. And for someone like him, someone who always knew how to calculate every move, who always knew how to observe and stay steps ahead, this feeling was something he couldnât predict.
He picked up his own toothbrush, fingers brushing against the handle of hers. He stared at that pink brush for a second longer, a lazy grin curling on his lips before shaking his head at himself. Who the hell gets soft over a toothbrush?
Apparently, him.
He started brushing his teeth, leaning over the sink, letting the familiar minty sting wake him up properly. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he thoughtâhe could get used to this. He wanted to get used to this. Her hair clogging the drain, her random skincare bottles invading his shelves, her leaving the bathroom all steamy and warm like this every morning.
It was stupid. Domestic. And yet⌠it felt like power in the quietest, most dangerous form. And Yeosang was nothing if not addicted to power. Especially if it looked like her.
He came down wearing a black fitted turtleneck, sleeves pushed up to his forearms, paired with tailored dark slacks that hugged his waist just right. His silver watch gleamed faintly against his wrist, hair slightly messy from towel-drying but falling just perfectly like it was meant to. He didnât put in effortâbut somehow looked like he walked straight out of a photoshoot. Sharp jawline, long legs, expensive cologne that smelled like trouble and money.
And thenâthat smell hit him.
Pancakes. Sweet, buttery, thick in the air like a hug you didnât know you needed. Warm vanilla mixed with something fruity. And then, there she was. (Do pancakes even have scents? Idk)
Hair tied up lazily, a few strands falling loose, wearing one of his black aprons that looked like it was made to fit her. Bare feet padding softly on the kitchen floor, navigating his sleek, modern, borderline cold kitchen like sheâd been living there her whole life. She didnât hesitate with the drawers, the utensils, even reaching up to grab plates from his overhead cabinets with a little difficulty like she knew where everything was. Like she belonged.
He leaned against the wall for a second, arms folded, watching her. His kitchen was matte black, sharp edges, minimalist design, way too clean for someone who actually lived here. It was the kind of kitchen that screamed money but not home. Until now.
Until her.
Now it felt warm, felt used. And for some reason, that domestic image made something stir in his chest. Not in a soft, sentimental wayâno, Yeosang didnât do sentimental. It was more likeâpossession. Admiration. Likeâyeah, thatâs mine. His quiet, irritating, soft-voiced girl, right there, using his kitchen like she owned it. And she didnât even realize how good she looked like that. The apron tied at her waist, sleeves rolled up as she worked carefully over the stove, flipping pancakes with precision.
How the fuck did she even know where everything was? He barely cooked. Eating out was his thing. Restaurants. Friends. Loud tables. Fancy places. But this? This made him crave home-cooked meals in a way he didnât know he could. Made him crave coming home to something like this. And the worst part? He didnât know whether he wanted the pancakes more or her. Probably her.
Definitely her.
He didnât even realize sheâd caught him staring. Sharp reflexes, top of his class, trained to pick up on the tiniest shitâand yet here he was, caught like some lovesick loser at the doorway of his own damn kitchen. She didnât make a big deal out of it though. Just glanced over her shoulder, flipping another pancake like it was routine. âOh, youâre here. Sit down or something.â
He blinked for a second, caught between embarrassment and awe, and then muttered under his breath, âYes, maâam.â Low enough that she wouldnât catch it. Good. His pride was intact. Barely.
When she finished, she casually served two platesâone in front of him, one in front of her. No big presentation, no waiting for him to start first like those rich girls he was used to. Just sat down, scooted her chair in, and started eating like it was another regular morning. Like theyâd been doing this for years. God, why did that feel nice?
The pancakes were good. Like, scary good. Slightly crisp on the edges, soft in the middle, syrup on the side, not drowned in it like an amateur. She knew what she was doing. Each bite made him feel weirdly cared for, and he didnât like that one bit. It felt⌠vulnerable. Exposed. He wasnât used to this shit. Halfway through, she lifted her gaze to him. Not fullyâjust under her lashes, barely holding eye contact before glancing away again.
âIâve been meaning to askâŚâ she said softly, cutting into her pancake with that annoying, neat little precision of hers. âWhat do you actually do? Like⌠all day?â He chewed slowly, buying time. No one ever asked him that. Not seriously. Everyone just knew who he was. Son of that family. Part of that business. It was understood. Expected. Even his friends didnât bother asking.
But her? She didnât care about any of that. She genuinely didnât knowâor maybe she did but wanted his version of it. Wanted to hear it from him, not just whispered behind closed doors or Googled with a headline next to his face. So, he swallowed, set his fork down carefully, leaned back slightly in the chair.
âWhat do I do?â he repeated, eyes glancing over her face like he was trying to decide how much of himself he wanted to give her. âI manage the boring rich guy stuff, apparently. Assets. Investments. Real estate. Help with family business bullshit.â
She hummed softly, almost dismissively. âSounds annoying.â That caught him off guard. He huffed a laugh through his nose. âIt is annoying.â
They sat in silence for a second, just the quiet sounds of cutlery scraping against plates.
Then she added, still not fully looking at him, âSounds lonely too.â
That made something sharp twist in his chest. Annoyingly accurate. He stared at her, at the little crease between her brows as she focused on cutting another piece, at the way she subtly folded the napkin next to her hand without thinking about it. Always fidgeting, always folding.
She didnât even mean it like that. It was supposed to be just a question. A throwaway thought while she was chewing, cutting another bite, syrup glistening against the fork like she was focused on literally anything else except him. Like it didnât matter. Like it wasnât going to completely rearrange the wires in his damn brain. âAfter I graduate⌠can I see your office or something?â
Just that. Simple. Plain. Like she was asking to borrow a pen.
But Yeosang? Yeosang heard that in HD. Dolby Atmos. Surround sound. Can I see your office echoed through his skull like sheâd just proposed marriage again or something. Why was that affecting him so much? Why was his immediate internal response Yes. Yes, of course. Come sit on my lap in the stupid leather chair. Take over the entire desk, I donât even like working, Iâll retire now, Iâll build you a whole new office, you can have my whole nameâ
He blinked. Dangerous thoughts. Dangerous. She didnât even know what sheâd done. But he couldnât just say all that, obviously. He couldnât wrap her up in a blanket and tell her she was the cutest thing alive for wanting to be in his space, in his world. He couldnât tell her that no oneâno oneâhad ever even bothered to ask about that part of his life. His office. His work. His real world outside of the titles and money.
So, he kept it cool. Cool and bored. Always the bored one. Mr. Nothing Affects Me.
âSure,â he said, cutting another piece of pancake, stabbing it with his fork, stuffing it into his mouth like that would hide the feral urge he felt to grab her face and kiss the absolute life out of her. âReally?â she asked, finally glancing at him properly this time, eyes sharp and unreadable. âItâs not like a private office?â
Private office? Private office? Woman, youâre in my home. You cooked in my kitchen. You slept with your entire leg tangled around mine. And youâre asking about privacy?
He swallowed. âItâs my office. I decide whatâs private.â
Another bite. Another casual shrug. Another act like he wasnât two seconds from folding completely. Folding like the damn napkin she kept playing with next to her plate. âSure,â he said again, this time softer. Almost like a promise. Almost like anything you ask me, everâIâll give it to you.
You both didnât know one thing. You both were falling.
Maybe Yeosang knew it. Kinda. Somewhere in the background of his usually sharp, calculating mind â the same one trained to notice weaknesses in deals and flaws in contracts â there was this soft hum, like static turning into a love song. He knew something was happening. Maybe not fully, maybe not yet in words, but the pull toward you was starting to feel less like curiosity and more like instinct. Breathing. Natural. Familiar in a way nothing else had ever been.
But you? You didnât know. You didnât realize what was happening. You didnât realise that while you sat here with syrup on your fork and pancake crumbs on your fingers, you were starting to heal something that he didnât break.
Yeosang didnât grow up with softness. His mother was the only person who offered that to him, that kind of gentle warmth that made a person feel safe, and when she leftâso did that warmth. His father tried to raise him with ambition and success, not comfort. Not home. Yeosang had everything: wealth, education, sharp looks, friends who could buy out entire hotels on a dareâbut not this. Not this thing he was starting to feel around you.
And you didnât realize that you were going to get something you never thought possible, either. That here, you were healing too. Because all your life, you were raised in pieces. Your parents clipping parts of you before you could even grow. Told that your interests were silly. That your opinions didnât matter because you were a girl. Always âtoo muchâ or ânot enough.â They called it upbringing. Respect. But it wasnât. It was shrinking. You adjusted. You bent around it like vines climbing a crumbling wall, finding space wherever you could, making a way even when there wasnât one.
But here?
Here, no one was going to call you too much. Here, no one was going to shrink you down into something manageable. Here, no one was going to make you feel small for having hobbies or dreams or random thoughts that didnât make sense. Hereâyou werenât going to adjust anymore. You were going to thrive.
And you didnât even know it yet.
Days blended into something that almost resembled normal life. Morning routines settled. Nights had their own rhythm. You handled your stuffâuniversity lectures, deadlines, notes scribbled on the backs of receipts when you couldnât find proper paper. He handled hisâmeetings, calls, those frustrating dinners where people tried to get on his good side for favors he never planned to give.
The two of you orbiting each other like satellites, not colliding, not quite distant either. Somewhere between strangers and something else you both refused to name yet.
But then there were nights like this.
Nights where assignments piled higher than your patience. Nights where caffeine felt like medicine, where eye bags were unavoidable, and sitting cross-legged on the living room floor with books spread around you felt like survival mode. The glow of your laptop screen threw harsh shadows across your face, highlighting the slight furrow between your brows, your bottom lip caught lightly between your teeth as you tried to figure out whatever academic nonsense your professor thought was appropriate for midnight.
Yeosang came home late that night. He had texted you. âRunning late. Donât wait up.â
He didnât expect much. Maybe youâd already be in bed, curled up, hair a mess, hugging that ridiculous pillow youâd claimed as yours. Or maybe youâd be curled on the couch, knocked out with some random video playing softly in the background. But no.
He walked in, loosened his tie, and paused.
You were awake. Awake and working. Glasses slipping down your nose. Notebook covered in tiny handwriting, pages curling at the corners. For a split second, irritation sparked in him. Not at youâat himself. Why were you still up? He told you not to wait. And yetâ
Then he saw it. The laptop open to some assignment, words scrolling by, academic jargon that even he didnât have the mental energy to pretend to understand. You werenât waiting for him. You were fighting a deadline.
Silently, he toed off his shoes, rolled up his sleeves, and went to the kitchen.
The machine hissed softly as the coffee brewed. The comforting, bitter scent filling the sharp black lines of his modern kitchen again. This time, coffee. Warm, grounding, familiar. He made it just the way you likedâtwo spoons of sugar, a splash of milk. Not too sweet, not too bitter. Balanced. Like you.
He poured one cup for you, one for himself, and padded back across the living room, setting the mug down next to your scattered pens and half-crumpled sticky notes.
You barely noticed at first, mumbling a quiet, âThank you,â eyes still on the screen.
But Yeosang? He just stood there for a second, hand in his pocket, watching you. Watching how you stubbornly refused to give up, even with dark circles forming under your eyes, even with your knee bouncing from stress, even with your exhaustion creeping in like slow fog.
âCan I help?â His voice was soft, breaking through the quiet hum of the laptop fan and your messy thoughts. You blinked, finally tearing your eyes away from the screen to look at him properly.
Help? You werenât used to that word being offered like that. Especially not for things like your work. No one really asked if they could helpâyou were always expected to figure it out yourself, get through it, push harder. Alone. You stared at him for a second, eyebrows furrowed slightly like you were trying to figure out if he was joking or being sarcastic. But he just sat there, leaning forward, coffee resting on his knee, expression neutral but serious. Waiting.
You hesitated. Not because you didnât want help. Just⌠it felt weird. Someone wanting to take on something with you instead of at you or despite you. But you were tired. And behind all your stubbornness, you knew you could use it.
ââŚYou can help with a couple things,â you murmured, barely above your breath.
His lips twitched slightly at thatâalmost a smile, almostâbut he didnât comment. Didnât tease. Just sat up straighter, pushed his coffee aside, and motioned for you to show him.
It wasnât even difficult stuff. Mostly organization. Proofreading. Finding references. And Yeosang, for all his cocky behavior and sharp-tongue antics, was ridiculously smart. He picked up on things quickly, helping you untangle confusing parts, correcting small mistakes you didnât even notice you were making in your sleepy haze.
With him there, the work didnât feel like a mountain anymore. It felt doable. Manageable. Like he was one more set of steady hands holding up the mess before it could collapse.
You didnât talk much. Just handed things to him, pointed at the screen when you needed help cross-checking something, let him scroll through research tabs while you typed furiously to finish the parts only you could write. By the time you reached the end, you realized it had gone faster than you expected.
And⌠it didnât feel heavy anymore.
As you saved the file and finally let yourself lean back against the cushions, stretching your aching fingers, you glanced at him from the corner of your eye. His sleeves were still rolled up, tie loose, hair falling slightly over his forehead. He looked relaxed. Like this wasnât a burden. Like he didnât mind being here at all.
âThanks,â you said finally, voice quieter than before.
He just hummed, reaching for his now slightly-cold coffee again. âTold you,â he muttered, taking a sip, âIâm not just here to look pretty.â
You rolled your eyes at that, a small breath of laughter escaping despite yourself. And for the first time in a while, the stress didnât feel suffocating. For the first time, you didnât feel like you were carrying everything alone.
But now you didnât want to move. Not even a little. Your body felt like it weighed triple, bones filled with sand, limbs heavy from the hours of grinding through assignments, deadlines, typing until your knuckles hurt. The soft hum of the laptop fan was starting to blend with the background noise of the apartmentâthe occasional creak of the walls, the soft ticking of the clock. So you just laid down right there on the couch, curling slightly onto your side, pressing your cheek into the cushions like they could swallow you whole.
âYou shouldnât sleep here,â his voice broke through gently. Not nagging. Not demanding. Just a low, careful suggestion. âItâs bad for your back.â
âYeahâŚâ you mumbled. You knew. Of course you knew. But knowing and moving were two different things. The soft, tired sound of your own voice felt distant to you, like it was coming from somewhere underwater. âMâfine⌠JustâŚgimme a minuteâŚâ
And then, you felt it. Arms sliding under you, one beneath your knees, the other curling easily around your shoulders. The couch shifted beneath you as he moved, and suddenly, you were moving too. Your eyes snapped open halfway, heavy-lidded with exhaustion but sharp with shock. What theâ
He picked you up. Like it was nothing. Like you weighed absolutely nothing. Effortless. Smooth. As if this was something he did on a daily basis, as if you werenât dead weight with tangled limbs and messy hair and exhaustion practically dripping off your skin.
You knew he worked out. Youâd seen his arms, the way his shirts sometimes hugged his shoulders, the way his forearms tensed slightly when he rolled up his sleeves or carried grocery bags with one hand like they were weightless.
But this? This was a whole new experience.
You blinked up at him, groggy but vaguely scandalized, too drained to fight him on it but still indignant enough to grumble, âI can walk, you knowâŚâ
âDoesnât look like it,â he muttered back, voice lazy but steady, gaze fixed ahead as he carefully maneuvered you toward the bedroom. His jaw was set, clean lines of his face shadowed by the low lighting, and that stupid, faint grin on his lipsâlike he was enjoying this a little too much.
You were too tired to argue more, head lolling lightly against his shoulder, his cologne filling your nose. Clean, sharp, warm.
âPut me down,â you murmured weakly, only half meaning it.
âNo.â
Thatâs all he said. Just no. Simple. Firm. No teasing this time. Justâno. Because you were tired, and because he wanted to carry you. Because whether you liked it or not, this was part of who he was nowâyour husband. And part of that role, apparently, included picking you up like a princess when you worked yourself to exhaustion doing university assignments at midnight.
You didnât realize when your eyes slipped closed again, but the warmth of his hold and the soft shift of the apartment around you made it easier.
He set you down gently on the bed, the mattress dipping softly under your weight. The second you hit the covers, your whole body sighed in relief, muscles unraveling like thread, tension slipping out of your shoulders as your eyelids fluttered heavily.
You barely registered him leaving, the soft rustle of fabric as he changed, the faint clink of his watch being set down somewhere on the nightstand. The apartment was quiet except for those soft, everyday soundsâthe kind that made a space feel lived in. Real. And then the bed dipped again, the warmth of him close, his scent following like gravity itself. Before you could fully register it, his arm snaked around your waist, firm but not rough, and he pulled you in.
Your eyes opened halfway, brows pinching lightly. âYeosangâŚâ
âNo complaining,â he murmured, voice low, brushing near your ear. âI know you need it.â
That shut you up real quickânot because he was being cocky, but because⌠he was right. You did need it. And that annoyed you more than anything, how well he was starting to read you without effort. Like this connection was some secret language only he could pick up on while you were still figuring it out. You wanted to argue. Maybe just out of habit. Maybe because that independent part of you hated the idea of needing someone this badly. But⌠God, it felt good. It felt safe. Not like being trapped, not like obligationâbut like comfort. Like warmth. Like someone saying, Itâs okay. You donât have to hold everything up alone tonight.
So you didnât say anything after that. Just let yourself sink into the pull of his chest against your back, his hand splayed warm over your stomach, his steady breathing brushing against the back of your neck. Everything fit a little too perfectly, like puzzle pieces you didnât even know belonged to the same set.
And that night⌠that night, you both slept better than you ever had since this whole marriage thing started. No weird dreams. No uncomfortable tossing and turning. No stress lingering sharp at the edges of your thoughts.
Just⌠sleep.
You didnât know how it happened, but somehow, somewhere in the middle of the night, your body betrayed your stubbornness. You woke up curled against him, face pressed gently to his chest, his scent filling your lungs like something youâd been secretly addicted to. His armâGod, his armâwas draped around you, hand cupped protectively over the back of your head like instinct. Like he was shielding you, even in sleep. And it wasnât awkward. Thatâs what surprised you most. It felt natural. Not forced, not weird, just⌠like safety.
You could feel the steady rise and fall of his chest under your cheek, hear the soft, even rhythm of his breathing. And as much as you hated to admit it⌠he looked pretty like this. No, scratch thatâannoyingly pretty. Long lashes resting against sharp cheekbones, lips slightly parted, hair tousled from sleep in that effortless way guys pull off without even trying.
Gross. Beautiful. Disgusting. Infuriating.
You blinked a few times, brain slowly booting up for the day, before carefully untangling yourself like a thief in the night. His arm loosened its grip like he was reluctant even in his sleep, but eventually let you go. You got up, showered, got dressed, doing your whole morning routine as quietly as possible. University wasnât going to wait for you to bask in your soft domestic crisis. And you definitely werenât about to stand there and gawk at his stupidly handsome sleeping face for too long. Absolutely not.
By the time you were adjusting the strap of your bag, tying your hair properly, you heard movement from the bedroom. A few minutes later, Yeosang walked out, freshly showered, damp hair pushed back, wearing that clean, crisp button-up with the sleeves rolled just enough to make you want to scream into a pillow. Grey slacks, black watch, rings back on his fingers, that usual lazy confidence laced into his posture.
He looked at you, eyes dropping down briefly to your outfit, then meeting your gaze again like it was nothing.
âIâll pick you up later,â he said, fixing one of his cuffs. âAfter uni.â
You blinked. âWhy?â
âDate,â he said simply, like it was obvious. âWe deserve one.â
You opened your mouth, then closed it, unsure of what reaction you were supposed to give. A part of you wanted to roll your eyes, say something sarcasticâbut another part⌠another part felt weirdly happy about it. Happy in that annoying, fluttery kind of way you werenât ready to admit yet. So you settled for a quiet, âOkay,â adjusting your bag again, looking at the floor to hide the small smile trying to creep up on your lips.
âGood,â he said, smirking nowâbut this time it wasnât cocky. It was something softer, warmer. âIâll see you later, then.â And as you left the apartment, the weight of the day felt lighter somehow. Like maybe, just maybe, you werenât dreading things as much anymore.
Yeosang sat in the car, one hand lazily draped over the steering wheel, the other tapping faintly against his thigh. The sun was starting to dip, casting that golden hour glow over the edges of buildings, making everything look softer, warmer, like a scene out of some movie. But Yeosang wasnât paying attention to the scenery. Not really.Heâd had a day. Meetings that dragged. Calls that felt like someone was reading tax documents aloud just to torture him. Endless signatures, fake smiles, the whole act. All he wanted right now was peace. Quiet. A good meal. And you.
A proper date with his cute wife, nothing more, nothing less. Just you sitting across from him in that way you always didâhalf avoiding eye contact, sleeves of your cardigan slipping past your wrists, probably fidgeting with your napkin again. That was the peace he wanted. Not luxury. Not power. Just that.
But thenâŚ
His eyes narrowed. He saw you. And you werenât alone. There was a guy. Some nobody. Same-age, maybe older, walking beside you, too close for Yeosangâs liking, talking like he knew you well. And youâGodâyou were smiling. Not the full kind, not the ones Yeosang secretly hoarded like precious stones, but still smiling. Like you were comfortable. Yeosangâs jaw tightened. His fingers, the ones tapping against his thigh, stopped moving. What pissed him off wasnât just the guy talking. It was the way he was talking to you. That casual, easygoing posture, like he thought he was funny. Like he thought he was charming. Like he thought he deserved to be walking next to you, making you smile like that.
And maybe you didnât even realize. Maybe you were just being polite. But Yeosang saw it all. The way the guy leaned slightly in when he spoke. The way his hands moved while explaining something, animated like he wanted your full attention on him.
Yeosang didnât like it. Not one bit.
The expensive black car, polished to perfection, stood out like a punch to the face in front of the university gates. People kept throwing glances, some doing double-takes, whispering. Whose car is that? Whoâs that guy? But Yeosang didnât care. Let them look. Let them talk. His gaze stayed locked on you and that idiot next to you. Calm on the outside. A storm brewing underneath. You didnât know it yet.
You spotted him the moment he stepped out of the car. Yeosang wasnât the type to make a show of himself, but somehowâhe did. Maybe it was the way he stood, sharp lines of his suit catching the light, hair pushed back neatly, expression unreadable. Maybe it was the car behind him, polished black, practically humming money and influence. Maybe it was just him. Either way, heads were turning, eyes flicking between him and you like something wasnât adding up.
You swallowed, nerves prickling up your spine. Before you could react, before you could even introduce anyone properly, he was already moving. His hand found yoursâfirm, warm, possessive without being rough. It startled you. Not because of the touchâyou were used to that by nowâbut because of the timing. Calculated. Precise. Like everything he did. âThis your friend?â he said calmly, looking not at you, but directly at the guy.
Before you could speak, Yeosang gave the poor guy a small, polite smile that didnât reach his eyes. âNice to meet you,â he said smoothly, tightening his grip on your hand just slightly. âIâm her husband.â
And then, for good measure, he added his name. Kang Yeosang.
You could see the shift instantly. The recognition behind the guyâs eyes. The flicker of panic mixed with surprise. Everyone in this city knew that nameâor at least the ones who mattered did. Not just because of the wealth, but because of what that name meant in certain circles. Reputation. Power. Authority. Not just a businessmanâsomething more. Something sharp underneath the polished surface.
âOh,â was all the guy could manage, awkward, unsure of where to put his hands now, stepping back half a pace instinctively. âYeah,â Yeosang finished softly, expression pleasant, dangerous in its restraint. âGood talk.â
Without another word, he guided you toward the passenger seat, opened the door like a gentleman, helped you in, and shut it carefully behind you before rounding the car and getting in himself. He didnât look at you at first. Just started the engine, pulled out of the lot with practiced ease.
What you didnât see, however, was the slight tilt of his head down as he flicked open his messages. His fingers moved swiftly, effortlessly, typing out the guyâs name, sending it to an unknown number. No emojis. No fluff. Just a clean instruction.
A name and a dot. Thatâs all it took.
Then the phone slipped back into his pocket like nothing happened.
He glanced at you finally, features softening just slightly now that the irritation had passed, hand casually resting on the gear shift..
"You ready?â he asked, like none of that had just happened. You didnât answer immediately. Your heart was still somewhere between confused, flustered, and maybeâa little impressed. And Yeosang?
He was perfectly at ease. Because no one touches whatâs his.
The date itself was simple, nothing extravagantâjust the way you liked it. Dinner somewhere not too loud, warm lighting, food you could pronounce, chairs that didnât make your back ache. He didnât drag you to some elite chefâs private villa or a high-rise with twelve spoons and seven forks. Just⌠normal. Comfortable.
But of course, it wasnât normal, not with him sitting across from you like that. Rolling up his sleeves just enough to show off the veins in his forearms, leaning forward slightly when you spoke, giving you that attention that made your stomach twist in a way youâd pretend was annoyanceâbut you knew better now. You were far too aware of his every move, his subtle glances at your lips when you talked, his faint smile whenever you fidgeted with the sleeves of your cardigan or neatly arranged your utensils.
And he was losing it.
Internally.
Watching you talk softly about nothingâordering dessert, choosing between tea or coffee, or even just adjusting your braceletâlike it was the most adorable thing in the world. You didnât even have to try. Thatâs what drove him crazy. You could breathe and heâd be on the verge of melting into his seat like some fool.
But what really started creeping under your skin wasnât the food or the conversation or even the comfort of the evening.
It was after.
Back in university, you started noticing something odd. The guyâthe one from the parking lotâgone. No hellos in the hallway, no passing glances, no awkward waves after that weird encounter with Yeosang. Vanished. Just⌠gone.
You werenât naĂŻve. You noticed patterns. You noticed behavior. You mightâve been quiet, but you werenât stupid.
So, you asked him. One evening, after heâd made both of you coffee, when the room was quiet and warm, you just casually dropped it like spare change on a counter.
âBy the way⌠that guy I was talking to last week? Havenât seen him around.â
His reaction was instant, which already gave him away. That sharp, barely-there twitch of his lips. His fingers curling ever so slightly around the mug handle.
And thenâhe laughed.
That annoying, deep, pretty laugh that was all throat and no apologies.
âDonât know,â he said with a shrug, voice lazy, too smooth to be true. âWeird, isnât it?â
Liar. Absolute liar.
And thatâs what did it. Thatâs what made you fall.
Not the expensive car. Not the handsome face. Not even the whole husband thing.
It was that. That dumb, cocky, lying laugh paired with the soft way he helped you out of your coat or refilled your water glass without saying anything. The combination of someone who could ruin a manâs whole life in one text but still remember that you liked your toast slightly burnt.
It wasnât fair.
And maybe, just maybe, you found yourself falling.
Not all at once. Justâa little more.
Dangerous. Warm. Annoying.
Yours.
Taglist: @jujusreader @nkryuki @lover-ofallthingspretty
Dividers from @/cafekitsune
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some of you writers have really good plots in your fics, but why the hell are the characters boning? đđ like I really want to read so many stories but the smut puts me off, yearning can be shown in other ways gang
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I READ TJAT WHEN IT CAME OUT AND I GENUINELY HAVE NOT BEEN THE SAME PERSON SINCE STOP MAKING ME CRY PLEASE
Vendetta
âş đżđđđđđđ - dilf!Hongjoong x fem!reader â âş đśđđđđ/đ°đ - mafia au, arranged marriage trope, secret/hidden marriage, slow burn, heavy angst, emotionally heavy, revenge, emotional rollercoaster, power imbalance, age gap (reader is in her early 30s and Joong is in his mid-40s), reader! is resigned to her fate but not for long, enemies-to-lovers, plot twistâ âş đđđđđđ/đđđđđđđ - PG-18+ so MDNI!!! depression as in reader! has almost given up on life, implied familial abuse (not described, but be warned!), implied violence, minor car accident, minor descriptions of near death experience, generalized dark themes, eventual smut (short though) lots of kissing, couch riding, creampie, emotional and possessive sex, no protection (do not do this!) â âş đđđđ đ˛đđđđ - 33.5K words (hear me out---) â âş đđ˘đđđđđđ - After your uncle sold you to the mafia to settle a debt, you were forced into an arranged marriage with the controlling Kim Hongjoong and you expected nothing more than a life of silence and control. He was much older than you, much more calculated and cold, and you had no doubt that he was devoid of light. He'd be displeased to know that you have a backbone, however, but what happens when his dark secrets that could potentially ruin your life slowly unravel when the wolves come out to play? You realize that the secrets he held dear where deeper than you thought, and there was no way out. â âş đ˝đđđđ - I am sorry that it took this long. I was sick for weeks and had no energy to write. I am also sorry it's this long, but I don't regret it. This was a request from the lovely @midnightreader-06 (she's an adult.) I hope it was worth the wait. â âş đđđđđđđ - @0rangemilk @ginger-mingi @ruubyrubes @oddracha @jaytheatiny @roxannecos @juicy-red @cheolliehugs @sunnysidesins @jjongbearshoney @midnightrebel1028 @mallielovssyou @jenluvzen â
You were ten years old when you held both of your parents hand as the three of you walked side by side in an open field where the vastness of the green Earth was there for the taking as far as the eye could see.Â
As your dearest father, whose eyes shone with adoration and his lips split with the fondest of grins, carried you in his arms to point at the bright, blue sky, your innocence and naivety paved way for the natural curiosity that lay hidden in your young mind.
âYou, my darling,â your mother lovingly booped your button nose. âYou are the prettiest, far more special than anything in this world, and I love you.â
The world felt impossibly vast, and yet in that moment, wrapped in the safety of your parentsâ love, it felt perfectly sized to hold just the three of you. Truly, you were loved by your parents. It was the kind of love that would transcend even through the afterlife. Until they didnât.
You were sixteen years old when you stood under the pouring rain that blessed your parentsâ grave, your head down low as your expressionless face stared at the freshly dug soil under your feet. There was blackness all around you - black for the weeping sky, black for the clothes you wore around your frail, shivering body that symbolized your mourning and loss.
Black for the two coffins you had watched sink into the ground, swallowed by the earth as if it could somehow keep your parents safe when you no longer could, black for the words no one could say, black for the warning signals in your head as you were led away from the cemetery.
Everything was black. You were far too young for such a travesty, but since when has this life been fair to anybody? Your parentsâ death has definitely taught you better.
The hours stopped flowing, the sands of time floating inside the hourglass in a perpetual cycle of your memories where the images of your parents were slowly disappearing, refusing to flow - refusing to let you move on.
You are the prettiest, far more special than anything in this world, and I love you.
âYou call that clean? I could lick the damn thing and get road dust in my teeth!â
Your uncle, your motherâs older brother, barked from the doorway, snapping you out of your memories. His loud, displeasing voice echoed down the garage hallway far before you even laid your eyes on him.
You closed your eyes, taking the deepest breath you could possibly take from the deepest chambers of your lungs. Not that there was anything left, you were a walking entity of nothingness at this point, but you had to remain calm like you had learned to be - like you had to be.
Your uncle stepped into the garage, shoes clicking against the polished tile floor most mechanics would kill for. âThatâs your problem. Always doing the bare minimum. Youâre useless just like your mother.â
There it was. He didnât have to mention her often like the mere thought of her slowly decayed his tongue inside his sinful mouth. He didnât outwardly curse her name, it was just enough to let you know he still thought of you like you were a charity case; a stain on the marble floors of his pristine world.
You tried not to gasp out loud when he titled your chin up roughly. His calloused fingers burned every single hair strand on your face, his eyes could have disintegrated you on the spot with all the unspoken hate you knew he had for you but refused to speak out, but you had to remain calm.
He harrumphed, turning around and beginning to walk off to where he came from, but not before spitting up an unholy amount of saliva on the floor with an obscene smirk on his clean shaven face. âClean it up,â was all he said.
Through gritted teeth, you had begun wiping the floor, and as the water began to wash away all the grime your pig of an uncle had left, you hadnât realized that your tears had begun to mix itself in the water like it would rinse away all your troubles.
It was like you were sixteen again. You still remember the day like it was yesterday when he led you to his car away from the cemetery, all without a single word of comfort or condolences at the dearly departed. Never mind your father, but your mother was his younger sister. You were not surprised at the sight of his massive mansion - your family did come from old money - but the moment you stepped through it, you saw the facade quickly. You werenât there as family, but as a liability. All of this was just for show, not for your comfort.
He walked ahead of you, not bothering to see if you were following him. There was no warmth in his voice, just clipped efficiency, like he was giving instructions to a driver. There was no welcome. No open arms. No kind words. Your room was barely one. A cot, no sheets. A single window so cloudy with grime it looked like frosted glass. Little did you know, it would be your room for no less than a decade - a decade long of hell reincarnate on an already scorching Earth.
Sometimes he didnât call for food, most of the time he called to yell. Once, for leaving a cup turned the wrong way in the sink, he threw it at the wall and told you your parents wouldâve done the same if theyâd had the guts.
It didnât stop the bruises, but your perseverance helped you survive the nights. No one came looking for you. No one asked how you were.
You were nineteen years old when you started finally accepting that this was your world. You were reduced to moping spit off of the floor, and after another four years of slaving away and just taking all the burnt end of your uncleâs anger, he decided to finally send you into college. You wanted to scoff, but you will take anything that you could get - anything to get even a sliver of your identity back. He wasnât doing this for you, you knew heâd use you for free labour after.
âYou owe me,â he said, sliding the acceptance letter toward me. âYou remember that. Everything you have is because I kept you fed.â
Fed. You saw red. He never mentioned youâd earned every damn underfed crumb like an inbred. But you nodded, anyway, because even a dog learns how to slip the chain if itâs given enough time to watch the master.
And you waited, day by day, for someone to remember you existed, but the ones you longed for were the ones you knew were in heaven by now. And you hoped they werenât looking down on you.
All you could feel was pain. It hurt to try to move your limbs, it was more reminiscent of bones grinding against each other sharply against sandpaper, it hurt to take the smallest gulp of breath, hell, it hurt to even blink.
The last thing you remembered was coming home from your graduation party with a couple of your friends from the restaurant, but the panicked yet controlled voices of the doctors and nurses surrounding you had you concurring that you were in the hospital.
You want to move, but your limbs wonât listen. You want to ask for your parents, but their names get caught in your throat. That sent a magnanimous amount of pain far worse than you were feeling right now down in the middle of your chest where your heart laid. They were gone, and you were soon to follow.
The first tear that fell from your eyes felt like glass shards. You didnât know how to tell your parents that you had failed them. You were only twenty-eight, and your short life was slowly slipping away from you. You could feel it.
I donât want to die. Iâm much too young to fall.
But hope was bleak. You didnât doubt that your uncle was already aware of the car accident you were involved in, and you didnât doubt that he was happy about it. It would be good riddance for him, there was no way he would pay for your surgeries. You were alone, utterly alone. The thought of dying alone hurt more than youâd like it to be.
Until a warm hand wrapped itself around yours. It was big, rough, and warm. You were too weak to open your eyes, but you mentally thanked the kind nurse who comforted you in your time of need. Or more likely, it was one of your college friends, namely, your close friend Yeosang. He was much younger than you, only being a freshman while you were eight years his senior.
You volunteered as a substitute teacher in your spare time for high school students as a part of your program, and Yeosang offered to be your intern. You were the one to write him his recommendation letter to get into your college last year. You quickly became fond of the kid with the siren eyes who squeezed his way into your heart, who still admired you as his mentor and still stuck by you even after his high school.Â
He was the only regret in your short life. There were times you dismissed him since you were far from his age and you wanted him to spend time with other people. You wish you had more opportunities to tell him that you cherished the little moments of peace he gave you, and to thank him for letting you know what it was like to care for someone when nobody cared about you.Â
Time passed. It couldâve been minutes, it couldâve been hours, but the hand remained, covering yours in a soothing cocoon, a salve to your aching and hurting heart.Â
It was just a hand, but it provided you the strength you needed. You might hate your uncle, but if it wasnât for him sending you to college, this hand wouldnât be here, helping you sign your own paperwork since you had no family. It must have been a pitiful sight - your soul was nearly gone yet you had to sign your own hospital papers.
Sometimes it would squeeze gently like it needed to be sure you were still holding on as you slipped in and out of consciousness, and you started clinging to it like it was the only real thing in the world.
Because, maybe it was. No one else came - not your uncle, and not the world you thought would notice if you ceased to exist prematurely before you even turned your life around, but the hand stayed.
Against your will, you stood before your own reflection. You always thought you had the prettiest of hazel-hued eyes - you had gotten them from your father, after all - but the hollowness of them scared even yourself.
âY/N! Come downstairs, or Iâm leaving you to walk yourself all the way to the Kim estate!â
You flinched, your fingers pausing from examining the thick concealer you splattered all over your neck to cover your uncleâs purple fingertips. You were still unsure if surviving was a blessing or a curse.
After getting back from the hospital, he had appointed you to fix his business paperworks - all without pay, of course - and he kept you locked away from the world.Â
Except when it was time to remind you of your place, to remind you of his power. You were thirty-two when he finally decided to get rid of you and sell you off as collateral for his failing business to a man far older than you, because if he didnât, the business wonât be the only thing your uncle would be losing.
âHeâs your last chance,â he reiterated, voice low and full of threat. âYou marry him, or youâre done here. Iâll have you on a flight by morning stripped of every cent, every roof, every name. I made a deal, and youâre the damn collateral. Donât make me waste you.â
It wasnât the first time heâd threatened to erase you from your own life. But this time, it felt final. âYour face is your saving grace,â he continued arrogantly. âLuckily for you, you inherited your whore of a motherâs pretty face. With luck, that bastard Kim Hongjoong might take a liking to you.â
You tuned out the way he cursed out the said manâs name with words you couldnât even repeat, focusing on the way your fists clenched tight to control your breathing.
Kim Hongjoong, you thought. That was your future husbandâs name, the man who would either be your salvation or be the one to push you into a deeper hell. Youâve given up on the aspect of marrying for love, but still, giving it up like this feels like a punch to your gut.
But there was no way around it, not when your uncle sent you a seething glare that told you that you needed to play along as he forced your arm to link with his as you were both escorted inside the huge mansion that screamed of wealth and dirty money by the stiff-postured butler.
âI welcome you to the Kim estate, you may address me as San,â the cat-eyed butler bowed respectfully before you and your uncle, gesturing forward as he walked on. âI do apologize if Iâm the only one to extend the greetings for now, all of our staff is preparing for the bride-to-be.â
He sent you a polite smile, but all you felt was dread. âShall I make it up and invite you to the dining room? The Master awaits the both of you.â
Your uncleâs fake, booming laughter fills the grandiose dining room. Every inch of this manor screamed of wealth and power, the chandeliers above casting a soft glow down the glossy marble floors, the ornate walls lined with ancestral tapestry partnered with vintage vases.
But none of it reached you, none of it mattered because none of this was for you. As slimy as your uncle was, the fact that this man was even agreeing to the prospect of marrying to settle a debt perturbed you.
You couldnât help but let your fingers trail along the back of a carved dining chair as you entered the main dining room. Everything looked expensive, it reminded you of your mother who had the finer tastes in life when she was still among the living.
But it was when you looked up that your breath had truly gotten caught in your throat. Somebody was already looking at you, he was already staring at you. Even before you were introduced, you knew in your heart that this was the infamous Kim Hongjoong.
He was seated at the far end of the impossibly long dining table, his sharp eyes already watching your every move. The second your eyes met his, the air shifted, and you froze. All that existed was the intensity of his gaze. For a moment, everything disappeared. It was just you and him. You didnât know how to feel about it.Â
Your pulse thudded in your ears as you allowed yourself to stare back. You didnât even need more than a couple of seconds, it was very obvious from the first glance that this man was undeniably attractive. It was almost devastatingly so.
His face was chiseled to perfection, all without the soft curves of a boy, he held the sharp angles that only belonged to a man of his age. That particular age suited him and you could tell he was years above you, his meticulously styled hair already sporting a couple of whites and greys
But it wasnât his looks that immediately captivated you, it was his eyes. The way they stared at you heavily as though he was an all-seeing being that could read your every thought and predict your every move. He didnât smile, he didnât blink, he didnât look away - he just observed. Something in your chest twisted. Your instinct told you to look away, to hide, but you stayed uprooted from where you stood. His stare left you unable to do anything else.Â
But you had to eventually. Your uncle cut the obvious tension with a small, nervous laugh as he nudged you subtly. âMr. Kim, itâs an honour and pleasure to be in your presence in this fine evening,â he tried to suck up, though you can tell his bravado was nowhere to be seen in front of a person who was obviously greater than he was.
You forced yourself forward, one step towards the other, graciously sitting down on the chair that San the butler had so generously pulled out for you. As you tried to settle comfortably, you looked up again, only to realize that Hongjoong still hasnât looked away from you, only giving out a small grunt in response to your uncleâs poor attempt to start a conversation.
You would turn and stare at the way you knew your uncleâs face would turn red in embarrassment and anger at being snubbed, but Hongjoongâs eyes had once again held you captive.
Someone cleared their throat purposefully. Right. You didnât even realize that there were other people seated towards the end of the table. You couldnât even afford to be embarrassed for being the other end of the tension.
âYouâre staring,â the voice, surprisingly rough and deep, said. It was more of a whisper, but the silence was so loud in the room that anything could be heard.
Hongjoong didnât answer right away. He simply tilted his head, just slightly. Still watching you with those dark eyes. Then, calmly, still without glancing at anyone else, he replied, âAm I?â
It wasnât a question. It was a statement in disguise, a graceful way of telling the other person off. It made the hair rise on the back of your neck. You heard an exasperated sigh somewhere.
Even when dinner was served and the conversation around you flowed naturally amongst the other guests deemed important enough to be here, you couldnât help but feel uncomfortable. You barely heard their voices. You knew he was still watching you from time to time.
Your heart pounded in your chest, but you kept your posture stiff, trying to maintain some semblance of control. Your hands, however, clenched your utensils so tight, you wouldnât be surprised if they bent from the pressure. You couldnât stop the tremor that ran through you from all the weight of his eyes.
At first you thought it was fear, but no, this was something else entirely. It wasnât flattering, it wasnât lustful, it wasnât romantic - this was unnerving, darkness at its purest form.
âY/N, my dearest niece,â your uncleâs voice suddenly broke through your haze, effectively catching everyoneâs attention as well. âI trust that youâre enjoying dinner?â
You swallowed, already reading between the lines. He was basically asking you to look alive, a silent threat. You forced a small smile, nodding in effect. âYes,â you said softly. âItâs quite wonderful.â
An unreadable flicker crosses Hongjoongâs face as he leaned forward slightly, elbows resting on the table. Somehow, that made him look more intimidating than he already was. He tilted his head, his gaze sharpened, but his body stayed relaxed. It was the posture of someone who knew he was on top of the food chain.
âGreat,â your uncle cleared his throat. âI suppose itâs about time to get down to the nitty-gritty of this dinner. Letâs talk business, gentlemen.â
A saddened frown settles itself on your lips. Right, you had forgotten that this was just business for him at the end of the day. You had somehow forgotten that you were treated less than human, a little more akin to produce being sold off to a wanting consumer.
âThereâs no need to drag this out,â your uncle continued, failing to read the room. Even you knew that he was in no position to call the shots like he was doing currently. âSheâs all yours, for all intents and purposes.â
You looked down, shame and mortification filling your entire body, gripping your dress tightly in your fists. The implication of what that meant horrified you, given that you were the only woman in the room, surrounded by men who immediately understood the sexual insinuation of the statement.
Thick silence followed as everybody waited for Hongjoong to speak. His posture shifted ever so slightly from your peripheral vision as he started to open his mouth to reply. âIâm not here for that,â he said flatly.
The words were quiet, but they carried more force than your uncleâs screaming. The older man let out a nervous laughter, brushing it off. âOf course, still, itâs a part of the arrangement.â
Hongjoongâs expression didnât change. âI heard you the first time.â
Your knuckles turned white from how hard you were gripping. His voice struck something in you, sending a zing through your body from your toes all the way to your scalp. His gaze, his voice, his complete control over the room; it was all too much. You hated the way it made your stomach turn into itself.
But your uncleâs ego rendered him unable to stop because he always wanted to be the one in control. âShe turned out decent, though mostly useless. It could be changed,â he said, degrading your dignity further down to the ground. âSheâs an obedient little thing, knows how to close her trap when prompted.â
You froze, as did everybody. You didnât need to look around the table to know the weight of every eye. It was a different type of humiliation you had to endure, but you didnât say anything. Years of training had taught you to just take all of his words in without flinching.
For the first time that night, Hongjoong looked away from you. His stare shifted, slow and deliberate, settling on your uncle who chuckled nervously, but also unable to look away from Hongjoong like you did.
It was his turn to be stared at, you could already tell that your uncle was starting to crack under the pressure of that silent, unnerving stare.Â
Then as if to rub salt on his wounds, Hongjoong let a small smile curl at the corner of his mouth. It wasnât directed towards you, but it sent nasty goosebumps all over your skin. It was nothing short of sinister.
âHow compelling,â he drawled out, leaning forward to grab his wine glass, swirling its contents leisurely before he set his dark eyes back towards your uncle. âThough I donât recall ever asking.â
Your uncle stiffened, but Hongjoong continued, his voice controlled, and flat. âAnd if I ever find myself wondering, Iâll be sure to consult someone whoâs managed to keep his life longer than selling their nieces to the mafia to save their skin.â Your legs felt suddenly too weak, your numb fingers loosening their tight hold on your dress. The mafia. Your uncle was selling you out to the mafia. The word itself echoed through your mind, a jagged, inescapable truth. Fear, raw and electric, lit up inside you.
Though, an undeniable satisfaction flowed through you at the prospect of your smug uncle finally being put in his place. He opened his big mouth to try and retort back, but Hongjoong didnât give him the chance.
He sets his wine glass back down, lightly tapping on it with a butter knife. âMore,â was all he said. It was just one command, but if you were standing, it would have brought you down to your knees. It was the end of the conversation, all because he said so without actually saying it. There were no more words needed to be said, the message had been delivered. He turned his gaze somewhere else, not looking back at you. There was no need to.
This entire room knew who held the leash, and it was the man you were set to marry sooner than later. The room had been entirely claimed by him the moment he opened his mouth.
Dinner was an awkward affair. The conversation between everyone was never really the same afterwards, but you didnât care, you tuned them all out, even when you could finally breathe because Hongjoong never looked your way again, partaking in a conversation with the man nearest to him, the same man with the deep voice who called him out for staring at you.
It was every man for themselves at this very table, that much you could tell. Every clink of cutlery made you flinch, every swallow constricting your throat, every smoke coming out of your uncleâs ears petrifying you, his words still ringing in your head the entire time as you tried to eat.
Marry this man or face the consequences, but at what cost? You were damned if you did, and damned if you didnât. There would be no ending where you wouldnât end up bleeding. Hongjoong terrified you. It was the type of fear that settled itself deep in your bones. He hasnât even risen from his seat, yet heâs managed to get under your skin far more than your uncle has in more than a decade.
This was a man who ruled in power. There was something in the way he sat, all composed and relaxed. He had nothing to prove, let alone raise his voice. He simply held everyoneâs breath in his palms. One squeeze was all it took.
You didnât realize youâd been staring until Hongjoongâs sharp eyes met yours briefly once more. He looked at your uncle, back at you, then back at the man who was talking to him. You had made your decision then. Anything was better than being your uncleâs property.
By the end of the week, all of your belongings were packed in a small suitcase, ready to be transported to the Kim estate. Not that you needed to pack a lot, there was no single thing that you truly owned.
The manor was just as breathtaking as it was the last time you saw it, dare say, far more glamorous than you remembered it to be now that the invisible collar that your uncle wrapped around your neck like a noose was now gone. It was far much easier to gaze in awe at the splendor that it represented.
Though you reckon that if you closed your eyes, the walls would be crimson red with blood. Your fingers clutched the suitcase handle with a grip that bordered on desperation, as if letting go might unravel something fragile inside you. The threshold before you wasnât just the entrance to another home, it was a gate to uncertainty, and that terrified you more than anything.
The last time you crossed into the unfamiliar den of someone elseâs house, you were met with a home, but with silent trials and unspoken wounds. But it was too late to ponder whether you should just turn back, run away, and start anew somewhere else - the massive door at the entrance suddenly opened ajar to reveal the familiar face of the Kim family butler, San.
It struck you then, as he was walking towards your direction, that he wasnât wearing a uniform like the last time you saw him, in fact, he wasnât like anything you remembered at all even though this was only your second meeting. Gone was the uniform, the gloves, and his rigid posture. Instead, he wore a gray tailored suit and he walked like he belonged in it. He wasnât performing anymore. He grabbed your suitcase for you, but before he could take a step forward, he hesitantly turned towards you. âI just wanted to say that there are no shadows in this place,â he said softly, cryptically. âYou donât need to keep looking over your shoulders. He canât hurt you here.â
You tried to keep your face still, unreadable. You supposed that one eventful dinner was enough for everyone to see how much of a swine your uncle was. You didnât respond to his strange reassurance. Instead, you studied him again, this time more carefully, more warily. âYouâre not a butler, are you?â You said quietly.
His brows raised, but he didnât say anything; he just smiled at you before beckoning you inside the mansion that would be your new home. Everything looked the same, except that in the morning light, everything looked more marvelous than it did rather than when they were covered by the dark shadows of the night. No matter which direction your head turned, awe struck in every corner.
Then you passed the staircase. Something made you pause, there was a prickle at the back of your neck. Without meaning to, you looked up. It was the man at the dinner, the one that sat closest to Hongjoong at the far end of the table - the one who told the older man he was staring. He also donned a smart suit like San, leaning against the bannister while his sharp eyes watched you.Â
He was a lot taller than you thought now that he was standing and he was younger, too. It was a surprise given his apparent ease with Hongjoong when everyone else wanted to piss their pants with fear. He didnât glare at you, the only thing that signalled he wasnât particularly angry towards you, but his stare still made your skin tighten. He was, by all means, intimidating.
âDid you need anything, Mingi?â Sanâs mellow voice cut the unspoken tension in the air as he also looked up the staircase. He motions to you with his hands. âYouâve met Y/N during the dinner.â
The man, Mingi, didnât reply. His presence pressed down like a weight, not loud, but undeniable, as he turned around, but not before swivelling his head back, his side profile sharp and intense. âI know,â his deep voice spoke before he completely walked away out of your sight.
Your voice barely rose above a whisper as you turned to San. âDoes he not like me?â
âItâs complicated,â he said simply, continuing the walk towards where was taking you.
Complicated. Somehow, that made you feel like you were trespassing in a life you hadnât earned. Maybe he didnât like you, maybe it wasnât personal, but you understood it. You wouldnât like you, either, ever since you were reduced to who you once were. Those were the thoughts that plagued your mind as you walked through the lavish mansion, until you stopped directly in front of a door that just screamed doom from the other side.
The feeling intensified when San gave the door a few light taps with his knuckles. You had been mistaken when you thought that this would be your room. There was only one reason why San would knock like he did.
âCome in,â a gruff voice replied from inside.
Coldness washed over you, the slight fear during that one dinner night creeping back and settling itself into your bones when you were met at the sight of Hongjoong at the end of his office behind a desk where there were plenty of papers strewn all over it.
You had to put in effort in your jaws so it wouldnât fall open. Youâve seen plenty of good-looking men in your life, but none of them hold a candle to the enigma that was Kim Hongjoong. That night absolutely did nothing to justify how immaculate this man actually looked. The worst part was that he wasnât even wearing a suit like San.
He was clad in a casual white-button up shirt, the sleeves rolled neatly to his elbows, revealing lean forearms that moved with casual precision as he scribbled something across a document. He didnât look up, not bothering to acknowledge your entrance.Â
You shuffled your feet awkwardly, your heart beating a little faster, not out of attraction, though it wasnât out of the realm entirely, but with palpable tension. Hongjoong flipped a page, still without acknowledgement as if he wasnât bothered by your presence at all. It was San who finally broke the silence, his voice lower, more respectful than youâd ever heard it. âBoss. Sheâs hereââ
âLeave,â the mafia boss cut off, voice hushed in the quietness of the office, but brusque nonetheless.
It was like you were struck with an imaginary hammer straight to your chest with that one single word, but it wasnât just that - it was the undeniable truth that you were, once again, unwelcome in this shiny, brand new cage you were thrust upon. The silence that followed felt suffocating, even San was rendered speechless, clearly confused.
San cleared his throat. âIâm not sure Iâm following, Sir.â
The sound of rustling paper and the pen scratching against its surface resonated in your head. âI didnât stutter, San,â Hongjoong replied nonchalantly. âBoth of you, out.â
There was no room for argument in his tone. He didnât sound particularly peeved, in fact, he didnât sound like anything at all, and yet, the dismissal stung you more than youâd like to admit. His utter dismissal was louder than any shout. You didnât have to spend a minute longer in this room that was slowly beginning to feel like a jail cell - you didnât matter.
âAlright,â San sighed, conceding, though against his will. âWhere will she reside?â
The pen in Hongjoongâs hand stopped moving, and finally, he raised his chin, his eyes lifting slowly to stare at San. You swallowed, it reminded you of a predator being disturbed while it was resting. Your heart almost leapt out of your chest when he turned lazily to you, his eyes half-lidded this time. âKeep her in the dungeons,â he drawled flatly. Your eye twitched at the response.
âHongjoong,â Sanâs mouth dropped open in surprise, not being able to stop his reaction at his bossâ reply.
âApologies,â he said, leaning back on his leather chaise lounge, his tone egregiously insincere as he raised his brows at the butler. âI canât help but jest at the stupidity of your question, Choi San. What did you want me to say?â
You clenched your fists before they could visibly shake. God, he was beautiful, and it only made it worse, like the universe had handed unimaginable cruelty to the face of an angel just to mock you. You were scared, yes, but you were also annoyed.
You havenât even been here for five minutes yet he was already seemingly enjoying your discomfort and feeding off of your humiliation. The plan was to keep your head down so you could survive in this battlefield, but if he was going to keep this up, it was only a matter of time until your patience would snap and get you in trouble, or worse, killed.
As if he didnât just say something outrageous, Hongjoong flicked his pen to start writing again. âI need Mingi,â he said. âAnd call your Third Master. He should have been back with Seonghwa from Suwon.â
San didnât say anything as he shut the door behind you both, his steps quick and purposeful as he led you down a dimly lit corridor that felt far too silent for how grand the house looked from the outside. The heavy tension that lingered from the office followed you like a second shadow.
He glanced over at you, as if trying to read your face before turning his eyes back ahead. âI was wondering,â he started clearly just to ease the tension. âIâve noticed, well, we all did, that you didnât share a last name with your uncle. Is that on purpose?â
You blinked, surprised by the question. Such a contrast to what had just occurred a couple of minutes ago. But more than that, nobody had bothered to ask you that question before. It wasn't invasive by all means, just unexpected.
It did, however, shoot a pang of hurt through your heart. You havenât explained this in more than a decade. âHeâs my late motherâs older brother.â
San nodded slowly, absorbing the information with interest. Bless this man, you thought. âMay I ask what your last name is?â
âItâs Jeong,â you replied softly. Oh, how good it was to say your father's name like this again. âJeong Y/N.â
When he finally stopped in front of a modest door near the end of the hall, he placed a hand on the knob, but not before pausing. Something didnât feel right. âD-Did you know my father?â
You frowned at his frozen expression that didnât last for another second before he snapped off of whatever trance he put himself in.
âIâm sorry,â he said suddenly, turning to face you. âI know this was a horrible start to your soon-to-be life here,â San shook his head, the corners of his mouth tightening. âHongjoongâs hard headed, but heâs not heartless. Just give it time, okay?â
Your heart wanted to leap out of your chest. He completely changed the topic. âI get it,â you sighed, letting it go. âHeâs as much of an unwilling participant in this as I am.â
San opened the door, revealing a clean, minimal room with a bed, dresser, and tall windows draped in heavy curtains. The room was beautiful, not that you expected any less, but this was decay dressed in silk; a trap made to look like a sanctuary to your wounded soul.
âIâll let you settle in,â he said gently as he left you alone. âIf you need anything, please let me know. This is your home now as much as it is ours.â
Indeed, you were alone, but not free. Caged, but not chained, at least, not in the physical sense.
San had said to give it time, but time was a commodity and you feared it - too much of it and it left you rotting away inside your body, and too little of it felt like a countdown.
Days passed from then, and you tried to settle in to the very best of your abilities. It was the only option you had, after all. You explored the rest of the mansion, even going as far as hanging out in the vast garden in the back when you had nothing better to do. It wasnât home, per se, but it was far better from where you came from.
As suffocating as this mansion felt, at least San was right, nobody has hurt you - not yet at least. But that was always how it went, wasnât it? Then the shift would be so subtle that youâd miss it if you werenât already waiting for the sky to fall. You knew the pattern like your own breathing. So you kept your voice light. You smiled when you needed to, but you always stayed one step ahead. Because San was right, no one had hurt you, but they would. It was only a matter of time.
It was still a step-up from your uncle, his loud voice no longer calling you, but coincidentally, neither had Hongjoong. He didnât look your way once, he didnât call or summon you, and didnât acknowledge your existence very much. Somehow, you werenât sure if that was a curse or a blessing in disguise.
Nonetheless, you did enjoy it so far, and you had so much to learn. Youâve yet to peek through the library, study how the light filtered through your windows at certain hours, or just the layout of the mansion itself. You were just about to walk towards the garden when you heard the familiar, telltale signs of people talking in one of the rooms. No, rather, you were hearing an argument take place between two men.
âYou lied to me,â a manâs voice, deep, thunderous, and absolutely furious, boomed throughout the expanse of the house. âThat hit in Suwon was supposed to be mine, and mine, alone. Not anyone's, not Wooyoungâs, mine.â
You froze at the sound, instincts screaming at you to turn around, walk away, disappear. But curiosity dug its claws in. Your feet moved without permission, guiding you down the stairs toward the raised voices echoing from the living room just around the corner.
âI did not lie to you. Your lack of proper planning does not constitute an emergency on my end,â replied the familiar voice of Hongjoong, flat and stoic as ever, like he wasnât on the burnt end of someoneâs anger.
âThat little fuck. Always stealing my hits. And you tolerate him.â
Heavy, furious footsteps and you barely had time to walk away unnoticed when you almost crashed into the tall and broad-shouldered form of none other than Mingi. His expression was twisted with the fury of a thousand suns as he glared at you. For a second, he looked like he was going to explode on you, but luckily, he just walked past you with rage he looked like he could barely contain.
âYou,â came a voice from the living room.
You flinched, your spine automatically straightening like they did when your uncle screamed your name before he struck his fists. But Hongjoong didnât shout, didnât even raise his voice, but the sharpness in that single word pinned you in place like a knife. He stepped into view slowly, the light from the tall windows casting long shadows behind him. His expression was unreadable, carved from stone, gaze unreadable but heavy.
âWhat are you doing?â Hongjoong asked at last, his tone deceptively calm, but lined with quiet disdain. âSneaking around corners like a rat.â
Despite your speechlessness in the frost of his tone, you couldnât help but stare. Hongjoongâs back was turned against the window and little bits of sun rays hit his features just right. You tried to tamp the blush trying to sneak up your cheeks to make way at the vexation flickering inside your chest at his statement.
âI-I apologize, I didnât mean to intrude,â you said quietly, your heart jumping to your throat. âI was just curiousââ
âCurious,â he repeated slowly, crossing his arms in front of his chest. âYou were curious.â
You swallowed hard, your pulse pounding in your ears, as he stared you down. It was as if he was truly looking at you for the first time. He wasnât much taller than you, but the way he stood felt like he towered over you by a mile. You felt numbness wash over you, but you tried your best to answer him with honesty. You had a feeling heâd catch you fibbing anyway. âI was told I could explore a little when I came.â
His lips curled into something that wasnât quite a smile - too sharp to be one. âBut did I tell you that you could go prancing around anywhere you damn well pleased?â
Your breath caught when he took a slow, almost bored, step towards you. For a second, you saw the taller form of your uncle stalking towards you, and before you could stop yourself, you opened your mouth to protest. âIâm sorry,â you squeaked. âI just assumed that since Iâm staying here that I canââ
âImmaterial,â he interrupted, low and vicious. âThis is my house, and you answer to me.âÂ
Hongjoong stuck his finger under your chin, slightly tilting it up. The tips of your ears reddened completely, not because you were flustered, but because it felt degrading. âIâve been quite busy, you see,â he continued with a sneer. âBut donât think Iâve forgotten your existence. I can never forget the face of someone who was sold to me.â
You didnât answer. The words stung too much, mostly because youâd dared to hope, even briefly, that maybe this place could become a safe haven. Being remembered like this hurt even more. âYouâre right, I wonât do it again,â you whispered, too defeated to even let your usual anger consume you. âI was out of line, Iâm sorry.â
âThen, act like it,â Hongjoongâs eyes stayed locked on yours, unblinking, his tone dismissive and cold.
He turned his back to you, not bothering to wait for your reply as he started to walk away. âYou shouldnât have been here,â he added. âDonât make the same mistake twice. Stay in your lane.â
You were left standing in the same spot heâd left you even after a long time clenching your fists, shame filling your chest at the minor confrontation, the sharp sting of his words looping in your mind, each repetition sharper than the last.
You dug your nails into your palms until it hurt. Good. You needed something to keep yourself grounded because the rage was almost enough to drown you. How dare he treat you like you were disposable?
The worst part was that you were supposed to marry this man, spend the rest of your miserable days walking on eggshells around this insufferable, arrogant bastard? You closed your eyes, pinching the bridge of your nose as you took a deep breath.
San told you no one was going to hurt you. He lied, to a certain extent he did, because hurt here came from humiliation and not the hand thatâll lay itself on your skin. You didnât have to like him, especially since love was completely out of the question, and you had absolutely no obligation to please him, but you would survive this. You had to.Â
You were following San one Sunday morning as heâd promised to show you the private library after you were no longer skittish after the last encounter with Hongjoong. âIâd love to show you the library today,â San turned, a smile blooming on his face. âMaster is very fond of them, as is the Second Master. Iâm sure you would, too. Itâs quite fascinating.â
âIâve heard a second and third master being mentioned once or twice before,â you started. âI assume theyâre family. Would I be meeting them soon? Should I be wary of them?â
âYou would be correct, they are family,â San nodded, pausing in front of the library doorway to face you. âUnfortunately, the Second Master is currently on aâŚâ
He cleared his throat, trailing off to find the right wording like you didnât already know youâd be marrying into the mafia. âMission, so to speak. And as youâve gathered, the Third Master is in Suwon so he should be back soon.â
He took a pause, glancing at his wristwatch before glancing back at you. âRight now, actually. I completely forgot about that,â he cursed under his breath as he looked at you sheepishly. âI apologize, would you mind if I left to instruct someone of his arrival?â
You gave San a small, amused smile, waving him off. âItâs okay. Go do what you need to do. Iâll just wait here.â
âThank you,â he sighed in relief, already backing away. âI promise I wonât take long.â
You rolled your eyes fondly as he disappeared down the corridor, the sound of his quick footsteps fading behind you. Alone now, you took a slow breath, soaking in the ornate hallway. You didnât mind waiting, at least you had something to look forward to very soon.
If anything, the wait was very peaceful, but that peace was soon shattered when you heard the door to your left at the far end of the hallway swinging open and two voices suddenly filling in the space of the house. They were unfamiliar, as far as you knew. One thing you noticed was that Hongjoong kept a very limited amount of staff going in and out of the manor.
You shifted nervously, looking to where San had left to see if he was coming back soon, not knowing where to go and how to interact with Hongjoongâs possible guests. He always had people over he was constantly talking to and you didnât know how heâd reprimand you if he saw you talking to them.
âYou got me fucked up if you think Iâm not getting back at you for this,â the first man who entered snorted, his bright and shameless laughter put you on high alert. You watched as he made a show of stretching his limbs exaggeratedly. âYou know I canât stand economy flights, Seonghwa, why would you subject me to this torture?â
Then came the second voice, calm and firm, but edged with exasperation. âForgive me for being presumptuous if I say youâre not going to die being a normal person just this once, master,â he said flatly, closing the door behind him with a sigh.
They were quite a pair, you noticed. It was easy to assume that this was the infamous Third Master Hongjoong had been waiting for. His eyes sparkled with mischief, his playful smirk clearly irritating his older, taller companion.
âWe had to blend in, you know that,â the taller man - model - Seonghwa continued, gracefully trudging two suitcases behind him. âHongjoong is going to throw a fit if he finds out weâre being tailed.âÂ
The other man scoffed once more, letting out an obnoxious laughter that frankly reminded you of a hyena. âHeâll be fine,â he waved his hand off-handedly as he started to walk. âI could justââ
He came to a dramatic halt when he saw you standing in the hallway, blinking in complete surprise. He was a lot younger than you thought he was, his boyish charm was impossible to ignore. He observed you from head to toe before he let out a grin that was too wide to be innocent.
Seonghwa almost did a halt, but his was more sudden than his companion. Recognition flashed in his eyes and you wouldâve missed it if you werenât paying attention. He was more reserved, after all. If the first man was chaos, this one was control.
âWell, well, well,â the grinning one drawled, ignoring Seonghwaâs pointed sigh. âWhatâs a beautiful thing like you doing here?â
You blinked, taken slightly aback by the sheer confidence in his tone. âIâm not an intruder,â you said cautiously. âI-Iâm waiting for San.â
âOh, Iâm sure youâre not. I wouldâve already known if you were,â he smirked as he stepped forward, confidence dripping with every step, until he stopped in front of you. Shivers ran through your spine. He reminded you of Hongjoongâs predatory nature. âAnd I wouldnât be smiling.â
He held his hands up for you to shake. âJung Wooyoung, and my heart is yours to intrude, if youâd like. Youâll find that Iâm very easy to rob,â He gave a unapologetic bow, his smirk widening. âYou could do it now if youâd likeââ
âSheâs not available,â Seonghwa cut in, his tone flat, his gaze flicking to you with a subtle nod of acknowledgement. âWooyoung, please, contain yourself, you embarrassment.â
Woooyoung backed off slightly, the confusion in his face palpable. âSheâs not available?â He frowned. âWhy not?â
Seonghwa leaned in slightly, whispering something low against Wooyoungâs ear, voice so quiet you couldnât catch the words. Wooyoung froze, his gaze towards you no longer flirtatious, the warmth in his eyes being replaced by something so cold and calculating that had you taking a small step back.
Youâd seen that look before - on Mingi, of all people. But then, just as suddenly, the light snapped back on. Your sense of danger heightened; Wooyoung and Mingi reminded you of Hongjoong the most. You had to avoid them at all costs.
Wooyoung gasped, hand flying to his chest like he was scandalized. âI donât believe it,â he blurted out. âYouâre marrying Hongjoong?â
Wooyoung looked at you again, a wild laugh tumbling out as he shook his head. âWow. Poor thing. Youâre how old? Thisâll be so awkward during dinners when people ask me, especially Mingi. How did Mingi react to Hongjoong owning you?â
You frowned, not understanding Mingiâs significance. âNot well, I guess,â you admitted before you gave him a pointed glare. âAnd Iâm no oneâs property.â
âNuances,â he shrugged. âWell, if you get sick of Hongjoongâs moodiness, my roomâs on the east wing, just a few doors away from his officeââ
âThere will be none of that,â Seonghwa said dryly, voice heavy with the kind of weariness that could only come from years of enduring Wooyoungâs antics.
âI didnât hear a no from her,â Wooyoung sing-songed.Â
âWooyoung, shut up,â Seonghwa whisper-shouted in warning.
âAnyway, I could take you to dinner,â he wiggled his brows, grabbing your hand. You were almost appalled at his audacity and shied away, yanking your hand away quickly.
âWooyoung.â
He turned to Seonghwa in exasperation. âWhy are you messing up my groove, Hwa? God, youâre just like my father at this point-ââÂ
âYou fucking fool,â Seonghwa cut in coldly, stepping aside as he jabbed a finger toward the other end of the hallway. âCongratulations. Now youâll find out what the afterlife is like.â
Wooyoung followed his gaze, then yelped so loud it echoed through the hallways, because at the far end of the corridor, shadowed in the doorway with the light behind him stood none other than Hongjoong. His arms were crossed and his expression screamed death.
Your stomach turned, the blood draining from your face as he stared at you. They were dark, narrowed into slits, filled with a contained fury. This was the first time you were seeing him days after your altercation at the living room and his presence reminded you of how remarkably terrifying this man was.
âWooyoung,â Hongjoong said, voice low, crisp, and venomous. âMy office. Now.â
All the color drained from Wooyoungâs face, his smirk crumbled, replaced by a sheepish half-smile and a muttered, âAh. Right. Of course. Be right there.â
âAnd you. Be ready, there will be a family dinner tonight,â Hongjoong turned his unyielding attention to someone behind you. âBrief her, manners included.â He eyes you up and down, and you blushed in humiliation once more, trying not to look as small as you felt with his judging gaze. âLord knows you need brushing up.â
You barely heard Wooyoungâs nervous chuckle as he stumbled past you, still trying to mask his own fear. But it didnât matter, your attention was solely fixed entirely on the man who still hadnât moved an inch, still standing in that doorway like a judge awaiting a verdict before you felt yourself being pulled back by Seonghwa.Â
âI am terribly sorry about that,â he apologized, leading you to the side door where he came from. âHeâs not that bad, I promise. Just a bit aloof, and Hongjoong, heâs uh, something, but itâll get better with time.â
You hummed, not knowing what to say. You couldnât possibly say that their boss spiked a little fear in you somehow. As you were walking, you were pleasantly surprised to see red tulips blooming. You grinned, quickly running off to look closer.
However, you wouldnât be the only ones to admire them. Mingi turned the tulip in his fingers with surprising care, before he set his eyes on you and Seonghwa before approaching. His walk, alone, screamed intimidation and hesitated. Mingi trained his sharp eyes on you before he set his attention back on the red tulip bud he was holding.
âSince when did we have these?â He murmured absentmindedly. âAnyway, Iâm glad youâre back. Wooyoung? I heard him whining and bitching around here somewhere.â
âSince now, I guess,â Seonghwa curiously grabs the tulips and hums. He turns to you with a soft smile and shows you the tulip up close. âSay, Y/N, may I ask what your favourite flowers are?â
You didnât answer immediately, not with Mingi staring at you. You tried not to look at him, but you could feel his stare dissecting your every breath and it made your spine stiffen. âThese ones,â you answered softly, cradling a nearby petal. âRed tulips.â
A strange silence followed and when you glanced up cautiously, you found the both of them staring at one another curiously. Mingiâs eyes narrowed, and Seonghwa raised an eyebrow, as if they all knew something you didnât. âAnyway,â Seonghwa cleared his throat. âYou should go to the office. Your dadâs probably tearing him a new one. He, uh, may or may not have flirted with her.â
Mingiâs brows shot up in mild surprise. âGod, that stupid fuck,â he hissed, shaking his head before he patted Seonghwaâs shoulder once and walking away. âIâll catch up later, I need to settle the score with him and Father anyway.â
Dad? Father? Those were the only things circling in your head even as Seonghwa had guided you back into your designated room and sat you down on the bed. Your mouth opened and closed repeatedly, because Mingi wasnât just anyone, he was Hongjoongâs son.
âI take it you had no idea First Master Mingi was Hongjoongâs son?â Seonghwa asked, amusement dancing in his eyes at your bewildered expression. You robotically shook your head in denial. He let out a short, breathy laugh. âFigures. Thatâs very Hongjoong of him to not tell you,â he shook his head.
You smiled bitterly. âWhy would he? Iâm nobody to him.â
Seonghwaâs eyes softened. âThatâs not it. You have to understand, you are only about seven or so years older than his eldest son. It might not seem like it, but he does have morals.â
San did mention that the so-called masters were family, but you thought that meant they had a brotherly bond. You werenât expecting literal family. âI just assumed he was one of higher-ups,â you blurted out.
âHe technically is, yes,â Seonghwa confirmed. âHeâs set to inherit the title once Hongjoong retires. Wooyoung is the next in line given that the Second Master is not interested in the title.â
You blinked repeatedly. Then it hits you - there was yesterday when San mentioned a Third Master. Wooyoung is also Hongjoongâs son. âMingi is the eldest, Hongjoong had him before he hit twenty because his father wanted him to have a son before he transferred the title to him,â he kindly explained.
âAnd his mother was, uh,â he tenses a little bit before shaking his head. âSheâs not a good person. Only married a Kim to sell the enemy information. There was no love in the marriage anyway, so Hongjoong kicked her out when Mingi was only three. Havenât seen her since. Theyâre all about the same age, but Wooyoungâs the youngest. Thereâs a reason he gets away with everything,â he chuckled.
âHow come Wooyoung doesnât share a last name with Hongjoong?â You asked.
âItâs because Wooyoung is not his biological son,â Seonghwa answered. âNeither is Second Master, but theyâre biological brothers, however. They were his former right-handâs sons, but he died in a hit gone wrong. They both got along with Mingi even before then, so adopting them was a no-brainer. But that doesnât matter, they are his sons.â
You took that in slowly. Three sons; one cold and carved from stone, another a carefree spark of chaos, and a third somewhere in between you hadnât even met yet. No wonder Mingi looked at you like that. You were just a few years older than him and he was probably naturally weirded out about it.Â
âAnyway, Iâll leave you to it, you have to get ready for dinner tonight. Since Wooyoung has been gone for three months, itâs customary to welcome him back,â Seonghwa grabs your hand to shake it gently, smiling at you with that smile that eased your worries for a bit. âDonât mind Hongjoong. Iâm sure youâll do well. Itâs very nice to finally meet you, Y/N.â
You didnât pay much attention to Seonghwaâs words. Itâs very nice to finally meet you. You didnât bother to dress up too much as you stood in front of the mirror longer than you should have, smoothing invisible wrinkles from your clothes. For a moment, you thought about putting on makeup, but youâd always felt like a child trying to play dress-up.
When you finally stepped out of the room and down the long hallway toward the dining hall, your legs felt hollow. The muted murmur of voices from behind the doors swelled with each step. And you hated how it reminded you of that night - your first time meeting Hongjoong.
Thankfully, he wasnât ignoring you because he was looking straight at you, arms crossed as he watched your awkward form walk to the centre of the room, as San led to the chair to sit directly to his left. You cursed internally, you were betting on settling in the background and would have chosen to sit on the far end of the table.
Thankfully, everyone was here, though you couldnât really focus on them. Mingi sat in front of you, Seonghwa and San, respectively, sitting beside him. You were sure you wouldnât be the only one who couldnât breathe with Hongjoongâs menacing aura. Still, you were relieved, at least you wouldnât be alone.
âHowdy, pretty,â Wooyoung saluted flirtatiously beside you, his eyes twinkling with mischief and excitement. You saw the man beside him roll his eyes dramatically, but didnât say a word. You gave Wooyoung a tight smile out of politeness.
âScram if youâre going to be insufferable, Wooyoung,â Hongjoong sighed, irritation palpable on his expression before he set his eyes on you. âAnd you, donât do that ever again. Youâre here to represent me. You know what that entails. I know youâre not as dull as you seem.â
You gritted your teeth, forcing a meek nod as a response. Wooyoung scoffs obnoxiously, ignoring the first statement directed to him. âRelax, nobodyâs taking your woman from you,â he teased. âJealousy doesnât suit you. Youâre practically frothing at the mouth.â
You could tell Hongjoong was close to exploding judging from the vein popping on his temples that protruded so much, it looked like it hurt. Instead, he puts his hands up, gesturing to the stoic man sitting beside Wooyoung. âThis is Jongho,â he said, voice flat and uninterested. âHe will be your bodyguard from now on. Jongho, show your respect.â
You blinked in surprise. This was the last thing you ever expected, but you welcomed it. You were surprised, however, Jongho didnât look like he was much older than you. His face was carved with stoicism and impassiveness. âIâll do my best to keep you safe,â Jongho said plainly, voice deep and steady.
âRight, let's get a few things out of the way,â Hongjoong started, voice still as sharp and astute as if time was running out, the entire time the staff was piling dinner on the table. âWhen did your parents pass away?â
That question hit you harder than all the insults and coldness he directed towards you. You were expecting something else, even about your uncleâs failing business that you had no idea about, but certainly not this. âWhen I was sixteen,â you blurted out. âIt was sudden, I was told it was a hit and run.â
Hongjoongâs question had sliced through the dinner like a blade, and your answer left a ringing silence in its wake.You swallowed, suddenly hyper aware of how cold the room felt. Across the table, Mingiâs gaze sharpened instantly, replaced by something cold and alert. He flicked his eyes towards Hongjoong, a silent communication passing between them. And even Wooyoung let out a slow exhale, his playful demeanor was nowhere to be found.
Hongjoong nodded, his stern face not giving anything away. âHit and run?â He repeated slowly, like tasting the words. âThatâs what they told you? Who told you that?â
âM-My uncle,â you answered truthfully.
âHmm,â Hongjoong hummed brusquely. âThat good-for-nothing leech during dinner?â
You nodded stiffly. A beat passes, something about the way his jaw muscle ticked and his exhale changed. âWhen did you start living with him?â
âRight after the funeral,â you replied. âHe took me before my other family members had a chance to say their condolences to me.â
âAnd?â he asked, voice clipped. âHow bad was he?â
Just like that, memories upon memories of all the hurt, emotionally and physically, started playing in your brain like an old camera film. Subconsciously, you touched your neck. The bruises were gone, but you could still feel his hands wrapped around them. âBad enough,â you replied quietly, avoiding eye contact.
Sanâs eyes softened. There was a slight crease in his brow, one of restrained empathy. He leaned back slightly, as if he needed space to process it, or to give you some. âFucking bastard,â he muttered under his breath.
Hongjoong didnât respond, his eyes lowering to your hand on your neck. His eyes didnât soften, but the edge in them did dull ever so slightly. He looked at you for one more second before he leaned back on his seat to stare out the large window that overlooked the entire manor.
"You need to act the part if you're going to stay here," Hongjoong said, voice sharp, still looking out the window. You were thankful for the change of topic, it was hard to pretend the questions didnât sting.
You glanced wearily at him from where you were sitting. âWhat part?â
âYou are going to be Mrs. Kim very soon, and you will be associated with me,â he said. âThat means whatever you do will reflect on me, including both your victory and your defeat. I do not want the likes of you to embarrass me.â
You clenched your hands in your lap to keep them from shaking. Your identity was being stripped down, reshaped into someone he could not even tolerate standing next to. It was next level humiliation.
âI will not tolerate disrespect from any outsiders about whatâs mine, hence me giving you a bodyguard,â he continued, casually sipping on his wine. âI refuse my family to be a laughingstock of some sorts. You will be under my name, so you will be under my protection.â
Under his name, not sharing his name. He was basically telling you that you will become his burden and liability. âIt is imperative that no one knows about us for now. You will not wear a ring, and you will not speak about our arrangement. â
You swallowed, throat tight. âSo what am I supposed to be, then? Your accessory?â
He leaned closer, and your breath caught in your chest. âPlay the game. Or pack your things.â
âNow, hold on a minute,â a voice cut off, one you werenât expecting. Everybody looks at Wooyoung curiously, the cutlery in the background halting. âDonât you think this is a bit much, Dad? Youâre asking her to erase herself in front of everyone. Hide everything. No ring, no identity, no dignity? You want her to protect your name, but you wonât even give her the same courtesy?â
Your heart thumped. Was someone finally on your side? And of all the people, his own son? The one who you thought was a flirt. Hongjoong shifted his gaze. âSince when did you start calling me Dad?â He asked, tone cold now, sharpened to a lethal edge. âDo not undermine me at my own table, Jung Wooyoung.â
You werenât that much of an idiot - this engagement was a farce because he was hiding you like a shadow. It was erasure disguised as a strategy. It stung, not that you were expecting him to hold you and show you off, but still.
Your fingers brushed against the gold fork, just drowning out the fight, and you were about to dig in when your plate was suddenly pushed away. Horrified, you stared at Hongjoong who had a passive expression on his face. âDonât eat anything,â he stated, cold eyes drilling onto your wide ones, his fingers still on the edge of the plate he so callously pushed off. âNot until I say so.â
You froze, absolutely mortified at what he had done. You could accept all the insults and the cold shoulder heâd been presenting you in his house, but this? You swallowed the lump in your throat and kept your head down, your hands curling into your lap like they didnât belong at the table. Your stomach had long since stopped growling - embarrassment had a way of killing hunger.
âShe didnât do anything. Why would you do that?â Seonghwa spoke, his tone laced with disbelief, his brows furrowed as he looked from the plate to you, then back to Hongjoong. Even Jongho, who had been trying to eat quietly, had stopped.
âNo one eats until she does,â Wooyoung muttered suddenly, pushing his own plate away with a sharp scrape. He didnât even look at Hongjoong. His focus was entirely on you, his eyes softening slightly. âI love you and all, Hongjoong, but weâre not playing these games. If youâre jealous, just say so.â
âThen none of you are eating,â Hongjoong snarled. The sudden sound of a chair scraping violently against the floor shattered the moment. Everyone flinched, heads turning just in time to see Hongjoong push himself up from his seat with a grace so sharp it cut through the hum of the room. âGet up,â he said, his jaw locked, his fists white-knuckled.
Your head whipped toward him in disbelief. âW-What?â
His eyes, narrowed and glinting with something unreadable, didnât budge. âI said, get up.â His tone was low and lethal; it didnât leave room for any arguments.
He didnât wait for your response, not until he just grabbed you by the arm all of a sudden, dragging you away from the crowd and straight to the living room staircase. âWhat are youâ?â
âYou,â he spat, voice low and accusing. âWhat spell did you cast on them? How did you get everyone to turn against me?â
You blinked, stunned by the sudden accusation, but you couldnât say anything as Hongjoongâs eyes darkened further, shadows flickering in their depths as his voice dropped to a dangerous whisper. âJongho. Take her to her room. No more scenes.â
Hongjoongâs gaze lingered on you for a heartbeat longer, a mix of frustration and something unreadable in his expression before walking away. It was like Hongjoong ripped your heart out directly from your chest and took it with him, leaving your insides hollow in its wake.Â
âI apologize on his behalf. Hongjoongâs not good at expressing how he truly feels. Youâre not missing much on the food, if it matters,â he assuaged in an attempt to make you feel better as he led you upstairs. âThe steak was tough, the dressing was bland, and the avocados were mushy as hell. Our chef was sick, so we had to hire another one. Their last day, it seems.â
You swivelled your head slowly to look at Jongho. âW-What did you say was in the dressing?â
âHuh? Avocados? Yeah, itâs like someone stepped on them and plopped them on the plate. Bleh.â
Your heart rate began to pick up abnormally. You were deadly allergic to avocados. âReally?â Your voice cracked slightly, the information settling in your head like a broken record.Â
âReally,â he confirmed with a soft smile that emphasized how young he actually was.
Avocado allergies were rare. Even when you were younger, it was easy to avoid them, and even your uncle didnât know you had an allergy. Not that he gave you avocados, he was cheap on you like that.Â
But besides that, you definitely screwed up last night. From what youâve observed, not only was Hongjoongâs fuse short already, but his anger was difficult to dissipate as well. You needed to figure out a way to appease him, you didnât want him calling off the engagement.
âYou want to make Hongjoongâs dinner every night, you said?â Sanâs brows were both raised up to his hairline. âAre you sure, Y/N? Hongjoongâs quite the picky eater.â
You ignored the voice in your head that bristled at the thought of a man in his mid-forties still picky with his food. âIt might not seem like it, but Iâm a capable cook, I swear,â you joked. âIâve had a lot of practice living with my uncle.â
Sanâs eyes softened significantly, but in the end, he relented. âIâll instruct the staff to vacate the kitchen come nighttime,â he sighed.Â
True to his words, the kitchen was all yours by 6 oâclock at night. You didnât even have time to marvel around the luxurious setup, you had no time to waste. Not when you had to prove yourself useful. When push comes to shove, maybe you could be his chef instead of his wife rather than your uncleâs niece again.
You didnât make anything fancy, just a simple soup to gauge what Hongjoong might like or might not. You even tried your best to make the vegetables in it barely visible, thatâs how much effort you put in it.
You were about to bring the soup up to his office when by sheer coincidence, Hongjoong, himself, showed up to the kitchen, and judging by his slightly raised brow at you holding the bowl with an apron still on you, he wasnât expecting to see anyone in the kitchen, let alone you of all people.
âH-Hi,â you stammered, avoiding out contact, awkwardly. âI, uh, I made you something.â
He doesnât say anything at first, just blinking repeatedly, before sighing. âDonât stay up late next time,â was all he said before he moved past you to walk out of the kitchen as if he didnât want to be there in the first place.
Hongjoong disappeared into his study, the sound of the door clicking shut behind him like punctuation to the silence he left behind. You let out a shaky breath, the sting of his blatant rejection making your legs shake as you sat on the dining chair. Maybe tomorrow.
But he still didnât eat. You did it again the next day anyway, even when the results were the same. You werenât a master chef by any means, but one thing you were proud of was that you put genuine care on all of the things your hands create.
You patiently waited for Hongjoong, ready to try and spend time with him at dinner even though the both of you never got along since he disliked you. The thought of being face to face made your heartbeat go wilder than the prospect of him accepting your efforts.
By the fifth night after another failed attempt, you asked around to figure out what Hongjoongâs favourite foods were. You tried to ignore the pitying looks San sent you while Seonghwa quietly cleaned another plate of ignored efforts, taking everything with a smile on your face even though on the inside, you felt like crying.
You clutched another plate a little tighter again the next day, heat bleeding through porcelain and into your palms. You wondered if he even knew or if he smelled the spices in the air, wondered if he saw your sleeping form on the couch when you were too tired to wait for him.
Maybe you didnât need him to eat it, maybe you just needed him to pause - to look at you like you were more than the terms of a deal neither of you asked for. But instead, all he gave you was a sigh and his absence. And there you were - offering warmth with shaking hands to a man whoâd rather freeze.
Hope began to dwindle when you didnât even see Hongjoongâs shadow anymore by the seventh night. You started plating smaller portions out of humiliation and by the ninth, you didnât bother waiting for Hongjoong anymore, just quietly making the food and leaving it in the kitchen, not even bothering to check if it was eaten or if Seonghwa had thrown it away.
You decided to stop after another week. You were tired of waking up in the room to Seonghwaâs shaking head when you looked at him expectantly. However, you wanted to make dinner for the last time not just for Hongjoong anymore, but for everyone whoâs been nothing but accommodating to you.
You just needed a couple of ingredients to make what you needed, and for that, you wanted to pick them out yourself. That was how you found yourself directly in front of Hongjoongâs office where you knew he always was, steeling your nerves to knock and ask if there was a car that you could use to drive yourself to the market.
You were about to knock when you stopped yourself. There was a heated conversation going inside the office and by the sound of it, it was Hongjoong and Seonghwa. You could hardly hear what they were talking about.
â....canât keep doing thisâŚ.giving her the cold shoulder, JoongâŚsheâll find outâŚ.what are you going to do then?â
âGive me timeâŚ..so close to caging in Yoo Jaehwan, that bastardâŚno one can knowâŚ.make sure heâll payâŚ.Yeosang.â
Your entire body locked, coldness spreading all over your chest at the mention of your uncleâs name. Those were Hongjoong and Seonghwaâs voices, you were positive, but what were they talking about?
â....wonât be safe forever, you know that. SanâŚ.intel on the hit and runâŚ.was damn impossible toâŚ.think Jaehwan knows?â
âThereâs no denying itâŚ..will be safer here....never forgive myself if something happensâŚ.my everythingâwhoâs there?â
You cursed internally when you accidentally misplaced your foot, causing your body to bump onto the door. You were about to turn and run away, to pretend that you were never here in the first place, but it was too late. The door swung open, revealing Hongjoongâs stern figure, eyes sharp and searching. His gaze landed on you in mild surprise, his chest rising slightly from how fast he'd moved.
âY/N?â You saw his hand squeeze the doorknob ever so slightly. Still, you canât help the shiver that passed through you. That was the first time heâd ever said your name. âHow long have you been standing there?â
His voice was low, but it wasnât calm. âWhat did I tell you about sneaking around like a damn rat?â
âI-I just got here, I swear,â you swallowed, hard. He stared at you, deadpan. In no timeline or galaxy did he believe you. âI want to go out. I-I know thereâs a market near here andââ
âAbsolutely not,â he rejected, his voice rising up in pitch ever so slightly in disbelief. âYouâre not going out.â
The denial was harsh and brutal - hell, he didnât even let you finish your sentence - but this was also the first time you saw any other emotion on him other than anger, annoyance, and intimidation. âI really want to goââ you tried again.
âAnd I said no,â he repeated, his voice a little harsher this time.
You were taken aback. It wasnât just the denial that struck you, it was the sheer urgency in his tone. It was the look in his eyes that if you stared hard enough, you couldâve found uneasiness and dread swimming in them.
âBut I havenât been out ever since I came here,â you blurted out in equal disbelief. He was the most arrogant and controlling one youâve ever met and that was saying a lot. âI want to buy some produceââ
âOrder it online, I donât give a damn,â he snapped. He was about to close the door on you, but you put your foot to block it. âWhat the hell are youââ
âPlease, Hongjoong,â you begged. It was a massive hit on your own ego and pride, but you were going to lose your mind if you donât find fresh air soon. âI-I wonât even stay long, Iâll keep my phone on me.â
He stilled, his gaze faltered. You saw his throat tighten as he looked towards the floor. âHongjoong,â he repeated under his breath, so soft you almost missed it.Â
Your breath hitched. He said it so softly that you almost missed it. Except you didnât. You werenât even sure if you were meant to hear it. Seonghwa, who forgot was also in the room, cleared his throat, thus breaking that unspoken tension you found with Hongjoong. âI could take herââ he started gently, but Hongjoong cut him off with a look, his neck snapping up so fast that it scared you a little.
Hongjoongâs eyes hardened again, and this time, they were the darkest you had ever seen. âI donât keep you to tolerate her, Seonghwa,â he barked before turning to you one last time. âYouâre not going out. Thatâs final.â
His gaze lingered a moment longer on you, eyes glinting with something between rage and warning, before he completely shut the door on you. He didnât slam it, but it still knocked the wind out of your lungs as the finality of his denial settles in on you.
Something shifted in you at the moment. At first, you had mistaken it for fatigue. The stress of constantly trying to walk on eggshells with Hongjoong just so you wouldnât say the wrong things in case he decided to call off the marriage, the late nights staying up making him dinner he didnât even want, they were starting to get to you.
It didnât happen all at once, but now the weight in your chest didnât feel like fear anymore, it felt like fury - no, you knew it was. The final push was so mundane it almost felt insulting. You could feel your anger simmering and it was only a matter of time until it boiled over.
You were tempted to bang on the door like a madwoman, but you chose to walk away to the one place you knew would give you comfort - the garden. But even the flowers werenât enough to make you feel better. If anything, they emphasized how infinitely colourless your world was.
You clenched your jaw, jaw tight as you sat down on one of the benches, arms crossed, trying to remind yourself that you were still here. You were still standing and still breathing. You werenât going to fall apart over someone like him.
âYour energy is so strong that I wouldnât be surprised if the flowers started to wilt.â
You rolled your eyes, not really in the mood to talk to anybody, but when Jongho sat beside you, you couldnât help but relax a bit. Youâve always loved company regardless of how you felt. Youâve been alone all your life, so it was always nice to have someone. âHow did you know I was here anyway?â You murmured with a small pout.
Jongho chuckled, absentmindedly fiddling with a lone petal. âIâm not your bodyguard for nothing. Iâm always watching.â
âThatâs totally not creepy at all,â you chuckled a little, shaking your head.
He laughed, shifting his weight before letting out a slow breath. âHeâs not mad at you, you know.â
You snorted, giving him an incredulous look, but Jongho just smiled. âIâm serious. Donât take it personally,â he said softly. âHeâs just scared. Thatâs all.â
You didnât care what Hongjoongâs intentions were, but in reality, you were starving for anything that made you feel less like a ghost haunting someone else's palace. Yet your mind wandered, uninvited and unwelcome, back to that moment at the door when youâd said his name. But it wasnât your own desperation that haunted you - it was his reaction. How his gaze had faltered and how heâd gone utterly still.Â
If there was something to behold about your personality, it was that you were nothing but persistent, after all. It was the reason why youâve come so far in your miserable life. So you tried again after a couple of days to ask Hongjoong again if you could go out.
Whatever conversation you overheard him and Seonghwa must have set him off that day so you figured youâd let his anger simmer and try to catch him in a good mood. Yesterday, you even saw him in the living room, casually reading the newspaper - you almost smiled at that because it inadvertently showed his age - while chatting casually with Mingi.
Now that you knew the real nature of their relationship, you could clearly see how much Mingi resembled Hongjoong, who honestly didnât look a day over forty if it wasnât for reading glasses resting low on his nose. God, you thought, that detail alone betrayed his age more than anything.
So you gathered your courage and waited when you knew he was going to be alone in his office in the afternoon. You took a deep breath, rapped your knuckles on the door before opening it slightly enough to poke your head in.
But he wasnât here. That surprised you more than anything, mainly because it wasnât much of a secret how much of a workaholic Hongjoong was. Even if you didnât hear Wooyoung complain about it a lot, it wasnât like you couldnât see it.
Against your better judgment, you entered the room, opting to just wait in his room for his return, but not closing the door to signal that someone was here. Last thing you wanted was for Hongjoong to think you were intruding. You were hanging on your last thread with him as is. His office screamed of him all over.
Admittedly, you balked at the slight mess on his table as you walked towards the leather couches to sit down, but before you could do so, something inadvertently catches your eye amongst the mess that was his desk.
Half-tucked under a stack of manila folders and faded blueprints, barely sticking out like it had slipped by accident, was a photo. You reached for it on instinct - then froze. It was you.
Specifically, it was your graduation photo. You were smiling, though you could tell that it didnât reach your eyes.. The photo was frayed along the edges and the corners were soft from wear. There was a faint crease running down the middle, as if it had been folded and unfolded a hundred times over. Your heart thudded, your hands shaking immensely. You shouldnât have looked.
âYou have thirty seconds to explain what youâre doing in my office before I lose all civility.â
The way your entire body trembled with uncouth shock was something to be seen. Hongjoong stood there, his sharp eyes trained on the photo you were holding in your hand, his jaw tightening. âTime is ticking, Y/N. Youâre twenty-seconds away from having a very, very bad day.â
You put the photo haphazardly back on his desk. âI wanted to ask again if I could, perhaps, go outââ
You were stunned into absolute silence when he banged his fist on the door once but with enough force to shake the whole world around the both of you. âAre you deaf?â His tone sliced the air in half like a blade. âOr just unbelievably stupid? Didnât I tell you that you cannot go out? How many times do I have to tell you?â
You stood frozen, the heat of his fury scorching your skin, but he wasnât done. âYouâre either acting like an imbecile, or you really are one. And Iâm supposed to marry you? Iâm already doing your uncle a favour by not shooting him between the eyes, but my God, this is pushing it. â
His words gutted you. You were used to your uncle calling you all the insults in the book, but this was something else, Hongjoong was basically judging your entire personality from the skin side out, and that hurt more than anything else because he doesnât even know you.
But you were only human, and even animals bite back when wounded. âYouâre no different than my uncle,â you slipped out, unshed tears lining the corners of your eyes. âYouâre hiding something from me. Why are you locking me in?â
He scoffed, eyes glinting with something that felt like contempt. âPlease. Donât insult me like that. He sent you to me like a lamb to a slaughterhouse. You just havenât thanked me for the knife yet.â
You didnât even know what expression your face was making, only that your cheeks felt hot and your throat burned like youâd swallowed fire. âI hate you,â your lips wobbled, looking at him with indignance in your eyes. âI hate you.â
He laughed bitterly, without humor, without restraint. âYeah?â His voice was sharp, venomous. âWell, youâre about to hate me more.â
Then he turned, grabbed an envelope from the desk, and threw it at you. Money spilled out like a slap, some bills fluttering to the floor at your feet. âThere, this is what you wanted, is it not? Now you can pretend youâre not living inside a cage.â
To say you were appalled would be an understatement. Your heart curled into itself, shriveling behind your ribs. Before you could fully break down, you ran out without another word, not bothering to look at him or the money littered across the room as you ran until your legs gave out in a random corridor of the mansion.
You didnât bother minimizing your loudness, your hands trembling against the marble as you choked back a sob, quiet and broken. You havenât cried in a long time, mainly because you refused to for someone like him, but this wasnât just for Hongjoong. They were for everything; for the girl you used to be, the child who lost her parents, for the woman you were failing to become, and for the bride you never wanted to be.
The rubber band holding yourself together snaps, so you ran down the corridors, through the driveway, past the gigantic gates, anywhere but there. You didnât know where you were going, but you needed to breathe somewhere he wasnât.
 It wasnât until your shoes hit an unfamiliar pavement that you realized that you were far away from the estate. In fact, you were in a small park with a playground. The sight was haunting, the play place devoid of the telltale laughter of children. It was perfect.
The adrenaline that kept you going had long worn off, but you didnât care as you walked warily towards the swings and sat on it. Your fists clenched around the swingâs cold chains as more tears fell freely now. You didn't bother wiping them away. Why were you here anyway? To get away from a man who doesnât want you even when you knew the invisible chains that tied you two together would shorten again?
Pathetic.
You had fantasized about the idea of finding freedom in a marriage that saved your life. You had hoped that maybe Hongjoong would grow on you, and him on you, but those fantasies had shriveled and rotted the moment Kim Hongjoong opened his mouth. And so, you let yourself swing, forward and back, forward and back, as if maybe, just maybe, you could go far enough to leave the hurt behind.
You were there for a while, you didnât move when the sun started to set. You didnât move when thunder clapped on the sky above. You didnât move when the first set of raindrops fell onto your skin, sticking to your clothes like a fever that you canât sweat out. You didnât care.
You wouldâve stayed there forever, let the ocean take you, but someone else had plans for you that day. At first, you couldnât hear it above the rain and the thunder, but the unmistakable sound of footsteps hitting puddles was impossible to ignore.
You closed your eyes, willing your mind to focus, but when you opened them again, you froze. Hongjoong stood from afar, drenched to the bone, his head whipping around like a madman. His chest rose and fell with labored breaths, but when his eyes met yours, his shoulders hunched like the entire world had just been lifted off his back and thrown back on again. You closed your eyes again, praying that heâd go away if you pretended to not see him, but just like you, Hongjoong was nothing but persistent, after all.
âOpen your eyes and look at me,â he demanded, his voice losing its sharp edge, making way for an emotion you werenât sure you were ready to hear from him.Â
By God, he looked devastating. His breath ragged, chest rising up and down, jaw clenched so tightly you thought it might snap. His usual posh and classy look was missing as water dripped from his hair into his dark, unreadable eyes. And he looked absolutely furious.
âGo away,â you said, voice thin and cold, wrenching yourself from his grip. âLeave me alone.â
You stood up, but your legs wobbled, and he caught your arm before you could fall. His grip was tight, almost bruising. Your heart almost thudded out of your ribs when he pulled you close, both of his hands holding your shoulders now.
âStop it,â he barked, but his voice was hoarse. He shook his head, closing his eyes before opening them again with a shaky sigh. âWhy are you such a fucking pain in my ass? Iâm too old for this shit.â
He sighed sharply, his hand hastily pushing his wet hair away from his face in frustration. His other hand lingered at your arm, warm despite the storm, as he stepped in closer, lowering his voice. âI will bring the market to you next time, alright?â
The wind howled around you, but you didnât even notice. His fingers twitched like they were about to reach for you, but you turned your face away just about when he stopped inches away from your skin before he fisted his hand, his gritting teeth audible in the rain.
âIâll take you back,â he said, voice sharp again. âBefore you get yourself sick and make my life even more difficult than it already is.â
His hand clasped yours tightly as he pulled you along with him through the rain. His hand didnât leave yours until you reached the car, and maybe he felt bad for you, but when he grabbed your hand again when he started driving, it wasnât out of pity.
If anything, he held tighter. His hand found yours on your lap, his thumb softly caressing the still damp skin of your upturned hand, not letting go even when he had to swerve and turn. He said nothing. He stared ahead through the rain-blurred windshield, jaw clenched tight, knuckles white on the steering wheel, but he never let go.
And you didnât pull away either. Because even though your chest hurt from his words, the warmth of his palm over yours was the first thing all day that didnât feel cruel. It seemed to lull you into a short slumber even.
The soft brake of the car was what brought you back to sentience. You watched Hongjoong press some sort of button on his car before radio static comes to life from it. âThird wing master bedroom. Iâm going for a ride,â he said gruffly before he let go and pressed the bridge of his nose.
The chill of the storm probably disoriented you and you didnât understand, but when your door opened to be face to face with the gentle Seonghwa, you were a bit surprised to find that you were parked directly in front of the mansion front door.
âCome on,â he said quietly, holding onto your shoulders and not caring if you were wet, like he knew what you had already gone through. âLetâs get you warm.â
He guided and helped you get out but you yanked to a stop when you realized that something was stopping you - Hongjoongâs hand still entwined with yours. You turned your head toward him. Hongjoong hadnât moved, his eyes locked with yours, burning but hollowed out. And for a heartbeat, everything was still. The world, the storm, the ache in your chest.
But he let go, shutting the door softly before driving off to the night to God-knows-where. You wouldnât know, Seonghwa was already guiding you inside the mansion by your shoulders. His hands were gentle, his movements even more patient.
His eyes dropped into sympathetic comfort, his hand slightly squeezing your shoulders. He gently walked the both of you into the living room where the fireplace was already hot and going.Â
San was already there waiting for you, eyes wide with panic along with Jongho who handed him a thick blanket. âWrap up, yeah? Donât want you getting sick now,â he said, quickly bundling you to warm you up. âYou ran out during that storm? What the hell were you thinking?â
âGive her space, San,â Seonghwa said, but the relief in his voice was palpable. He handed you a mug of something warm, ginger tea, you guessed, and crouched down beside you, eyes soft. âWe were all looking. You scared us.â
Suddenly, Jongho dropped to his knees, bowing his head low, much to your surprise. âIâm sorry,â he blurted out. âI should have kept an eye, I didnât guard you enough.â
âW-What? No,â you frowned, hesitantly patting his head. âItâs not your fault. Youâre not my keeperââ
Before you could even answer, Wooyoung appeared behind him, surprisingly less loud but just as concerned. âYeah, you tell him that,â he scoffed softly, arms crossed to his chest, shaking his head slightly. âHongjoong almost killed him in sheer anger. Seriously, why did you do that?â
It was the most serious youâve ever seen the man, but of course, he was still as dramatic as ever. His eyes darted from you to the others before dramatically flopping onto the arm of the couch. âIâve never seen him like that before,â he chortled. âLike, ever. Hell, he doesnât even react that bad when me and my brothers get shot or something.â
âIt canât be that bad,â you murmured, fiddling with the blanket. âI wasnât even gone for long. I was going to come back.â
That was when all three of them looked at you like youâd grown a second head. âNot long?â Jongho echoed, his brows shooting up in disbelief. âYouâve been gone for hours, Y/N.â
âHongjoong practically tore the city apart,â San shook his head. âYou were gone for over five hours. Five. Thatâs not just a walk in the park, thatâs a goddamn vanishing act. I swear he was about to murder us if he couldnât find you.â
You blinked, confused. âHe wasâŚlooking for me?â
âObviously,â Wooyoung rolled his eyes, clicking his tongue. âIâve never seen him lose control like that before. But seriously, please donât do that again. Iâm not ready for Mingi to inherit the business in case Dad gets an aneurysm.â
You looked down at your lap, shame filling your lungs along with the thudding of your heartbeat. âI didnât mean to scare anyone.â
âBut you did,â Wooyoung muttered, but his tone wasnât offensive. âBut I get it. I do apologise on his behalf, though. He shouldnât have thrown money at you. That was unnecessarily cruel, even for him.â
Seonghwa gave your shoulder a squeeze. âYouâre safe now and thatâs all that matters. Hongjoong should be back shortly,â he helps you up once more. âCome along. You should wash up so you donât get sick.â
You thanked everyone before you let Seonghwa guide you into a part of the mansion youâve never been at, let alone the room he took you in before he bid you a goodnight with a promise to check on you the next day.
You sighed deeply, trudging your feet to the shower. Your heart swells the moment you opened that door, it smelled of Hongjoong. It was hard not to remember the way his fingers had clung to yours, how they didnât tremble until after heâd let go, the entire time you washed up and got ready for bed.
When morning came, your eyes fluttered open when the first ray of sunshine hit your face, but you didnât want to get up - the sheets smelled faintly of sandalwood and something distinctly him, and that the pillow cradled your head felt like a welcome comfort.
For a second, you had, perhaps, thought that everything was a dream, but when you rubbed your eyes and made a move to get up, you were completely startled awake to see the last person you ever thought youâd see the moment youâd opened your eyes.
Hongjoong was fully dressed in a crisp black turtleneck and slacks, hair slightly tousled, as he typed something furiously into his laptop. He didnât look up when you stirred, but you noticed the subtle clench of his jaw.
âI trust you slept well?â Hongjoong asked, lowering his glasses to stare straight at you.
You willed for your heartbeat to stop thumping so much for fear of him hearing it. You stared straight back at him, noticing the faint shadow under his eyes. âI suppose so,â you said. âYou didnât, though.â
âIâll say,â he shut his laptop off, reaching for a folder beside it, before leaning on the couch, crossing his arms, his sharp eyes trained on you. âYou did sleep on my bed, after all.â
You blinked, the words not sinking in your morning-addled brain yet, but when it did, your mouth dropped open in surprise. âI-Iâm so sorry,â you blurted out, heat pooling in your lower belly at the information. No wonder the entire room smelled like him. âI didnât sleep here on purposeââ
âI know,â he sighed. âI asked Seonghwa to bring you here. Lest you already forgot.â
He took his glasses off, rubbed the bridge of his nose like the weight of the world had been sitting there. âNext time, donât run off in a storm just to prove a point.â
âThat wasnât what I was doing,â you frowned.
He looked at you then, brief and unreadable. âThen what were you doing?â
âTrying to breathe,â you croaked, your voice dropping down to a whisper that you wouldnât be surprised if he hadnât heard it. âPlus, you looked all night for me.â
He didnât say anything at first. But the shift in his expression, the subtlety of it, was louder than words. âFreshen up and eat breakfast,â he muttered, tapping the folder in his hand twice. âI have a couple of questions for you.â
You werenât in the mood to argue with him, certainly not after his obvious attempt in shutting down the conversation completely. Unsurprisingly, your body still ached from last night. You opted for a quick brush of your teeth, tying your hair presentably.Â
The scent of you had me dizzy. I have to get out of here.
You didnât bother changing out of the pyjamas Seonghwa had provided for you since you didnât have clothes here. It would give you an out, and you werenât ready to face Hongjoong out of shame. Thatâs exactly what you did. You were about to slip out, when he cleared his throat.
âWhere are you going?â Hongjoong stared at you, brows raised.
You gulped, feeling like you were caught doing something you shouldnât. âUhm. Iâd hate to bother you further. Didnât you tell me to have breakfast?â
âI did,â he confirmed, gesturing towards a particular direction of the room. âWith me.â
Your brain almost shut off with the information. With him? He rolled his eyes, shaking his head as he stood up and opened the balcony door. Your heart practically leapt out of your chest, you were positive that the breakfast set up there wasnât present when you woke up. Had he instructed someone to set it up while you were in the bathroom?
This was the first time you were ever going to eat with Hongjoong. Not beside him, not five feet across the room like some barely tolerated shadow. With him. And worse, he was making you so nervous that you felt like youâd forgotten how to walk properly as you followed him out, sitting across him awkwardly, not knowing how to place your stiff limbs properly.
You didnât even register how your hands trembled until you reached for your fork and nearly knocked it off the table. You were just about to dig in, not knowing what else to do, when he stopped you. âWait,â Hongjoong halted you brusquely.
âW-What?â You froze, hand still mid-air, wondering if you did something wrong.
Instead of replying, Hongjoong reached over your plate and began digging into your food with his chopsticks. You narrowed your eyes in slight annoyance, ready to mouth at him for possibly controlling what you ate and picking at your food without asking, but your heart dropped to your feet by the time he was lifting his chopsticks back up again.
He picked out a couple of raisins from your plate, setting them on his plate one by one as if this wasnât the first time heâs done this. You stared, blinking rapidly to stop the sting behind your eyes. âI hate raisins,â you suspiciously pointed out.
He pauses, glances at you once through his lashes, before eating like you didnât say anything. And suddenly, your chest ached with the weight of all the things he wouldnât tell you. Before you could open that can of worms, he was already flipping open a folder he had brought to the table, effectively cutting off the topic with the sharp precision he was known for.
âI need you to look at a couple of faces for me,â he said, back in business as usual with his clipped utterrance. He slides the files towards you in one, smooth motion. âItâs imperative that you tell me immediately if you see a familiar looking face.â
You were confused, but you took the folder with ease, flipping through pages and pages of different photos of both men and women alike. Hongjoong staring dead into your soul was distracting, but you were sure you'd never seen these people before. You were going to tell him as such, until you stumbled upon the very last photo.
âHim,â you drawled out, surprised at both the face and yourself for pointing it out. âIâve seen him beforeâŚâ
The moment you showed him the photo, the tension in his shoulders snapped into visible rigidity. âWhere?â he demanded, his voice sharp and urgent. âWhere did you see him?â
Truth be told, you would have forgotten about the man if it wasnât for this. âI passed through him before I reached the park,â you frowned. âI remember him because he had this weird lip piercing.â
Hongjoong cursed under his breath, making the dread in your chest spread like a disease, before he hastily snatched the folder from your hands, his hands fisting the edge of the folder. âFinish your food, darling,â he said hurriedly, the darkness in his face making you nervous. âWeâre going for a little trip downstairs after.â
âI-I donât understand,â you frowned, doing as he says and stuffing your face with some bread. âYouâve been acting so damn weird lately, Iâve never seen this man in my entire life before yesterday.â
His head turned slightly, those unreadable eyes locking onto you again. âRather,â he said slowly, voice dipping towards something ominous. âYouâve never paid enough attention.â
You stopped mid-chew to stare at him. This was the longest conversation youâve had with Hongjoong and the foreboding feeling of potential sinisterness was the first thing he made you think about?
He held your gaze, his fingers curling gently around your chin. His voice dipped to a whisper, low and graveled, brushing across your skin like smoke. "Look closely," he murmured. âI want you to think about why youâre truly here.â
Your brows furrowed. âBecause my uncle sold me to youââ
âThink, Y/N. Think,â his tone laced with a cutting sort of irritation. âI know that desiccated, dried-up brain of yours still works.â
You rolled your eyes, the backhanded insult slicing through the tension with a bitter familiarity, but it didnât lessen the heat brewing behind your ribs. âI owe your uncle absolutely nothing,â he said, letting go of your chin with a scoff. âI couldâve killed him before you even set foot in this house.â
âHave you killed people?â You blurted out before you could stop yourself. He raised a brow like it was a question unworthy of a response. "A-Are you going to kill me?"
âDo you want me to?â Hongjoong countered, tilting his head.
Your blood began to thrum in your ears, anger bubbling up in your chest like acid. âIâm not that stupid, you know,â you whispered, your voice cracking with frustration. âIâm aware there are things Iâve no idea about, but I know what a lie tastes like when itâs shoved in my mouth.â
You looked back at the spread of photos heâd shown you. But something inside you stirred as your gaze landed on the photo again. It was faint, like a memory just out of reach and a sense of recognition that felt older than logic.
âHave you ever wondered,â Hongjoong said slowly. âWhy Iâve been so adamant in keeping you here?â
You opened your mouth, but he held up a hand. âNo,â he said. âForget that. Ask yourself this, have you ever wondered why your uncle took you in back then?â
Your heart stopped, but he wasnât finished. âSurely, he wasnât the only family you had. Worst of all, of all the people he could have sold you to, it had to be me. I know youâve done your research on who I am.â
Indeed, you did, and the Kim family was not to be messed around with. Your throat felt like it was closing. You wanted to speak, but your brain was too busy racing through every memory you had, trying to connect dots that refused to sit still. Was your uncle much, much worse than you gave him credit for?
Hongjoong leaned close just enough to make you squirm under the intensity of his focus. The movement was subtle, but it was calculated - a hunter testing the waters, seeing how far he could push without you breaking. âPredators donât fear prey,â he said. âThey fear another predator.â
A scream threatened to bubble from your chest just lying around the surface. His statement echoed in your head far, far worse than a broken record. It was the only thing you could think about the entire time you followed Hongjoong downstairs towards his office. You couldnât even lament what happened here the last time, the money he threw at you already cleaned up as if they were never thrown at you like dirty rags in the first place.
You didnât even notice that Mingi and Seonghwa were already in the office, seemingly waiting for the both of you to arrive and such, until Hongjoong started to talk to them again. âThis,â he slammed the folder rather harshly on the table directly in front of Seonghwa, who just took it in stride and opened the file. âThat snivelling bastard on the last page. I want him gone.â
âAnd you,â he turned back to you, eyes ablaze with newfound anger you didnât even know was already there. You raised a defiant brow, why was he looking at you like this was your fault. âYouâre not going out anymore, you hear me? Never let me repeat myself.â
You narrowed your eyes, the simmering tension in your bones finally boiling and tipping over into something far more dangerous than youâve ever felt. Your jaw ached from how hard you were biting down on your tongue, and the polite mask youâd worn like second skin started to peel.
Your feet started to march towards the bane of your existence like a bull who found the red spot. You didnât even care that Seonghwaâs mouth dropped slightly and he was subtly shaking his head, you still poked Hongjoongâs chest pointedly and boy, you were sure that hurt a little.
âYou could at least tell me why,â you snapped, your voice low and trembling with rage. He narrowed his eyes in warning, but you were done caring. âOr is it because you canât keep your dogs in line? Tightening my leash is the only way you wonât lose control over your goods? Maybe itâs not the outside world youâre afraid of, itâs that someone might realize your entire empire is built on fear.â
Silence. A sharp, immediate silence that sliced through the room like a guillotine. Mingi visibly stiffened, Seonghwaâs face paled, but Hongjoong? He started to laugh. At first it was soft, then it turned into a full-blown laughter so sarcastic, you wanted to cover your ears from the grating sound. âThe wolves are at my door, waiting for my empire to fall. I wonât let you destroy it just because you refuse to fall in line, brat,â he sneered.
You laughed, not out of humour. It was cold, sharp, and laced with every ounce of your pent-up exhaustion and rage. âFrankly?â You said, meeting his glare with one of your own. âI donât give a flying fuck. You want to talk about wolves? Look in the damn mirror, Hongjoong.â
You poked him twice more in his admittedly toned chest, and you did it hard, too, just so he could even an ounce of how heavy heâd made you feel. âIâm not some damsel you could fool around with just because I was thrust here. I wonât roll over just so you can stroke your ego.â
A slow, unreadable flicker crossed his face. His gaze sharpened, but his body relaxed, curious now, as he tilted his head, slowly. His expression didnât change much, but you saw it, that glint of something deeper. Respect? Amusement? Recognition? âShe bites,â Hongjoong murmured, his voice dropping to a note lower, smooth and quiet like a blade sliding from its sheath. He crossed his arms, a ghost of a smirk fleeting on his sinful lips. âFinally.â
He was still watching you, but it wasnât the same stare anymore. It wasnât the same power dynamic. You had shifted something, and he had noticed. âYouâve mistaken my compliance with submissiveness,â you replied, your voice steady, your pulse roaring in your ears. âIâm terribly sorry to tell you that youâre wrong.â
Hongjoongâs lips parted slightly, as if that, too, had surprised him. Or pleased him, you couldnât tell, but when his smirked widened, you almost faltered. You gritted your teeth, cursing whichever God had molded him for making this demon so devilishly handsome, it was maddening.
âThat doesnât negate the point, little darling,â he continued, still sharp as glass. âI built this kingdom with my soul, and I am the king of this goddamn empire. Whether you like it or not, you are in it. â
âIâll bow to your king when he shows himself,â you said, clipped and cut. It was a direct dig towards him, it was a deliberate show of disobedience, but you didnât flinch. You kept your chin up, gaze level as you started to walk away from him for the first time.
The adrenaline didnât wear off even hours later as you paced around your room in heated anger. But God, that felt good. Youâve never directly expressed your grievances towards someone else like that and now that youâve gotten a taste of it, you donât think you could hold your mouth longer around the menace that was Kim Hongjoong. It might get you killed, but at this point, death might be the only salvation youâll feel.
One was for sure - something had definitely changed ever since that nasty confrontation between the two of you. If before youâve barely seen even his shadow, lately all youâve been doing was butt heads with Hongjoong, and man, are you not happy about it.
âWas it you?â Hongjoong marched towards the living room one day with steam coming out of ears. âDid you set the thermostat at twenty-eight?â
âI did,â you sneered, not backing down. âNot everyone in this house has cold, dead blood like you.â
He scoffed in disbelief, pinching his nose bridge. âThis isnât a sauna, go outside where you belong if youâre so cold.â
You watched him stalk towards the thermostat, cranking the heat lower so roughly, you were a bit concerned it would break. Oh no you donât, you dictating bastard. You got up from the couch, pushing him away to crank the thermostat back to low before giving him the stink eye.
âFine,â he nodded stiffly, his glare so intense, it had you backing up slightly. âIâm locking it. Donât expect me to lower it when summer hits.â
It was the littlest of things that set the both of you off, but if you were being completely frank, you more or less enjoyed his annoyed reaction. Serves him right for all the months he put you down.
âYou finished all the cookies,â you glared at him heatedly one afternoon, pointing at the plate of half-eaten cookies that lay next to him on the coffee table as he read his newspaper. âI liked those cookies.â
He didnât even look up from the newspaper. âThatâs just too bad, isnât it?â
You yanked the paper from his hands. âYou donât even like cookies! They were for me.â
âI bought them for the house,â he glared, snatching it back.Â
âYeah?â You snarled, snapping your eyes towards the coffee mug you knew he was very, very particular about before a smug grin fills your face.
He stared in disbelief, his eyes widening at what you were about to do. âYou insolent brat, donât you dareââ
But it was too late, you gulped all his coffee in one go. You tried so hard not to grimace at the bitter taste, or else your pride will tank, but the redness in his face from sheer anger made it oh so worth it.
Everyone had definitely noticed at that point. Even the stoic Mingi would give his own father a dirty look whenever heâd catch that both of you mouth off to one another like you were in a damn competition. Woooyung, of course, was nonetheless fascinated about the turn of events.
âYou two act like an old married couple, I love it,â he cackled while he ate dinner with you as you glared at Hongjoongâs turned back when he instructed the chef to put more raisins in your plate just to spite you. âIâm slowly getting over how my stepmother will only be like a decade older than me if this is the entertainment Iâll get for the rest of my life.â
You scoffed, grabbing a piece of raisin with a deep frown. âItâs not my fault heâs a petty bastard,â you said, flicking the raisin towards Hongjoongâs ear with an accuracy you didnât even know.Â
Wooyoung laughed with you not-so discreetly while San paled ever so slightly at the scorching glare Hongjoong sent your way. âYou are something special, Y/N,â he shook his head. âBoss would have had our heads a long, long time ago for something less.â
Unfortunately, you couldnât fully finish your dinner. The taste of the raisins were so prevalent in the food even when youâve removed all of them that the taste of it just permeated all over the dish.
You sneaked in the kitchen at two in the morning where you knew no one would be up just so you could ravage in the cupboard for some midnight snack, but you were so wrong. You squeaked, blinking at Hongjoong who was in the middle of drinking water and he blinked back at you.
âCouldnât sleep from the guilt?â You asked, referring to you not eating dinner. And you knew that he knew, he was watching you the whole time smugly.
âNo,â he muttered. âJust the sound of your attitude echoing through the halls.â
You snorted. âWow. Youâre real original for someone who thinks being emotionally constipated is a personality trait.â
He scoffed, shaking his head as he walked past you towards the exit. âDonât hog all the snacks,â he brushed with your shoulder and it sent a zing of electricity through your spine. âMoney isnât as easy to come by, yes?â
âOh, Iâm sure youâre good at it,â you countered with a snarl. âIf being a raging psycho and asshole was your living, no wonder youâre filthy rich. Letâs not even mention your head count.â
You blinked as he walked back toward you. He stopped in front of you, his hands coming to rest beside your waist on the counter, trapping you. âWould you like to know my head count?â He asked, a ghost of a smirk playing on his lips. âIâd love to add you to that roster.â
You tried to breathe, his face was so close, your noses nearly brushed. His eyes dropped to your lips for the briefest moment before snapping back up. âBecause Iâve been real patient,â he muttered. âBut Iâm tired of your mouth lately.â
And as quickly as heâd closed in, he pulled away with a sharp inhale, the smirk curling wider as he turned on his heel. âSleep tight, darling,â he tossed over his shoulder, voice laced with poison and something dangerously sweet.
And just like that, he was gone, leaving behind blush on your cheeks, the thundering of your heart, and the faint scent of him clinging to your skin.
Usually, your banters were harmless. Dare anyone say that even though Hongjoong got under your skin, youâve never felt more alive than you did whenever youâd cross paths with him. You didnât know what it was; maybe it was because that finally, he wasnât avoiding you like the plague even though nothing nice came from that mouth of his.
But this time, you didnât know what completely set the both of you off. You just wanted to have lunch like normal, and today was very different, too. Usually youâd eat with one or two people only as everyoneâs schedules didnât quite align, but this time, even Seonghwa and Wooyoung were at the dining table.
You were laughing at something that Jongho had mentioned when Hongjoongâs cutting voice rang around the table. âCan you shut your mouth?â He snapped, cluttering his utensils against his paperwork. âIâm trying to concentrate here.â
You rolled your eyes. Ever since he got off a phone call he got before everyone started eating, heâs been in a horrible mood. âGet off the damn table if you canât handle basic human interaction,â you snapped back.
He stared you down, voice ice sharp. âYouâre not clever. Youâre a loud, useless distraction and an irritation everyoneâs sick of pretending to tolerate.â
âFather, stop it,â Mingi, who sat at Hongjoongâs left, shot back, eyeing the older man with warning. He turned to you and you almost faltered. How is it that his son was more intimidating than him? âAnd you. Youâre not helping.â
âNo, let her,â Hongjoong scoffed. âNo wonder your uncle gave you away. Youâre nothing but a liability.â
Patience was a trait you had that you were proud of, but not today. You can barely contain yourself, because that was a low, even for him. I'm sick to death of swallowing every single thing I'm fed. You slammed your hands on the table, rising swiftly, your chair scraping loudly against the floor. Everyoneâs eyes followed you, wide and stunned. âOh, give me a break, you belligerent, deluded, pompous prick,â you barked. The room stilled. You hadnât raised your voice, but the words hung in the air like glass about to shatter.
Even Hongjoong seemed to falter a bit before his eyes narrowed once more. âHave you lost your fucking mind?â He yelled so loud it echoed through the halls, making everyone flinch. âWatch your tone, you ill-mannered disgraceââ
You scoffed in disbelief. âThatâs tough shit coming from you whoâs done nothing but make me miserable here.â
âThat sounds like a you problem, darling,â Hongjoongâs eyes ticked.
âWell, to that, I say you're a cuntââ you were about to say, but your voice caught in your throat, the fierce words dying on your lips as a wave of dizziness swept over you. You faltered, mid-step, your knees threatening to give out.
He scoffed, the sharp edge of his haughtiness cutting through the silence. âGiving up already?â Hongjoong sneered with a smirk that promised he didnât believe you had the strength to stand your ground.
No, this was different than anything youâve felt before. Your breathing became laboured, the suddenness of it threatening the bile in your stomach to rise from your throat. You grabbed the nearest thing you could hold on to, but your grip slipped. âHold on,â San balked, grabbing your arm in mild concern before his face shifted. âY/N, are you okay?â
No, Iâm not, you wanted to say, looking straight at Hongjoong just as your steps wobbled and your vision blurred. It was when his expression cracked, panic flickered across his face, eyes widening with sudden concern, breath hitching as he reached out instinctively.
But before he could reach you, Jongho was there, his strong arms catching you just in time. âY/N? Oh, God,â he tapped your cheeks hardly, but to no avail, your eyes were closing. âStay awake, fuckââ
Hongjoongâs face, the devastated, unsettled look you werenât ready to see, and the way he grabbed your body was the last thing you registered before darkness swallowed you whole, but not before you heard Seonghwa mutter one word that would have made you faint regardless.
âPoison.â
All you could feel was pain. It hurt to try to move your limbs, it was more reminiscent of bones grinding against each other sharply against sandpaper, it hurt to take the smallest gulp of breath, hell, it hurt to even blink. It was like that car accident after your graduation all over again. Why did death love chasing after you? And why didnât you chase it back?
But this time was different. You werenât in a hospital bed, there were no nurses around, and there was none of that sterile scent you hated so much. Rather, there was warmth - warmth so comforting, you couldnât help but snuggle into it, burying your head in hopes for the ache to go away.
âFuckâs sake, Itâs been days, why hasnât she woken up yet?â
Even you could feel your subconscious frown at what you heard. Days. And you didnât even feel better about it. âGive her time, Joong. I mean, look at her, so frailââ
âFrail, my ass,â a rough, familiar voice snapped just as you felt your arms being squeezed so tight, it would have woken you up if you hadnât already. âSheâs my little fighter, poison isnât going to break her. Have you not heard the way she talks back to me?â
A deep laughter resonated through the entire room. It wasnât quite like Mingiâs - not that Hongjoong Jr. would ever act normal around you - no, but this was richer, familiar, even. If you could just open your eyes and see.
âI see she hasnât changed. Good to know youâre getting your moneyâs worth, Dad. You should go eat something. Anyway, I need a complete rundown, Hwa. I didnât fly here for nothing, and I need to go back soon. The longer I stay, the more danger we attract.â
The warmth you had disappeared followed by a door closing nearby. Silence envelops the room and the familiar sigh of Seonghwa fills it. âWell, like we said, itâs poison. Someone who isnât supposed to be here is here.â
âBut how? What are the odds? It couldâve been anyone at that dining table. You think itâs Yoo Jaehwan?â
âWho else? To do it not only in his house, but right in front of Hongjoongâs faceâŚwhoever did it is asking for death.â
âShouldâve seen your fatherâs face,â San clicked his tongue. âI swear something inside him died.â
âWell, fuck, maybe because she couldâve died?â The familiar, deeper voice counteracted with a sass that knocked in your memory. âBecause thatâs not just a wife heâs protecting, thatâs someone heâd burn the world for.â
âAnyhow. We should come back later. I have to check on your father to see if heâs eating or I might have to get your older brother to tie him up or something.â
Half of that conversation went through your head. You werenât a total idiot, you knew what most of it entailed, but all you could think about was the missing warmth that enveloped you. You forced yourself to come to, your weak arms supporting your upper body as you tried to sit up. It was hell as your eyelids fluttered open against a dull ache pounding in your skull, but you needed to move your stiff limbs before they started to throb from prolonged unuse.
Just then, the door opened. Silently, carefully, like doing so would trigger another bout of faintness in you and you were met with the surprised eyes of Hongjoong. He froze in the doorway like heâd walked in on something sacred.
For a moment, he just stood there, unmoving. Then, the tension in his shoulders released slightly, only to be replaced by something else entirely - pure, unadulterated relief. You didnât have to touch him to know that he was the warmth that kept you stabilized the entire time you rested.
He started to walk toward you in slow, controlled steps. His glasses were gone, his hair a mess, and there was a tremble in the hand that rolled up the sleeves of his unusually wrinkled shirt like heâd been gripping it in fistfuls.
Most of all, his eyes were tired. He sat on the bed next to you, his eyes never leaving yours, and you thought that was it. You certainly werenât prepared for the way he lightly gripped your shoulders to pull you into a hug, and just like that, the warmth youâve been craving for had returned.
âGet off,â you rasped weakly, but your voice betrayed the fight you didnât have in you. Still, your pride flared, because nothing stung more than collapsing in front of him.
He didnât budge. âDonât even try,â he said through clenched teeth, his arms tightening around you. âStay still and let me have this even for a moment.â
It was in the way he gripped you too tightly, in the quiet desperation of that whispered please. You didnât even realize he was trembling slightly. His arms werenât caging you, rather, he was a man holding on to you as if he was sinking at the bottom of the ocean and you were the balance he needed to stay afloat.
Pride be damned. You wrapped your arms around him, silent tears falling from your eyes as you held onto him. This was all you wanted, what you didnât have back then when you had nobody. The prospect of never waking up was settling into you and you didnât have enough strength to keep holding it in together.
âIâm still angry at you,â you sniffled.
âGet angrier. The sooner you get your strength back, the sooner you can talk back again like the brat you are,â he shushed, the tremble in his hand now visible at the way he smoothed the damp strands away from your face along with your tears.
âAs touching as this is, I believe we have more pressing matters at hand.â
You tried to pull away, but Hongjoong wasnât letting you - though if you were being honest with yourself, you didnât even really want to - so you opted to look over your shoulder at the source of the voice.
Hongjoong groaned when you pushed him away, your breath caught in your throat. Your eyes widened slowly, your hand flying up to cover your mouth in shock. âY-Yeosang?â You whispered, like saying his name too loud might shatter the fragile reality in front of you.
The man in question stood from the plush armchair, casual in his posture but carrying an unmistakable grin, one you hadnât seen in years. âThe one and only,â Yeosang said with a lopsided smile, walking toward you. âHow have you been, Miss Jeong?â
You stared at him in disbelief, the air knocked clean from your lungs. âI-I havenât seen you sinceâŚâ your voice faltered, because the rest of that sentence hung heavy in your throat.
Yeosang seemed to know what you meant without you saying it, because his expression softened as he gently pulled you into a hug. âY-Youâre the last person I expected to see here,â you mumbled against his shoulder, pulling back to get a proper look at him. âWait, what are you doing here?â
The both of you turned around to look at Hongjoong when he cleared his throat. âYou wretch,â he looked pointedly at Yeosang with a bitter scowl. âArenât you supposed to be down there with everyone?â
Yeosang scoffed, rolling his eyes so dramatically you were surprised they didnât get stuck up his skull. âYou were the one who called me and threatened to cut my allowance if I didnât fly here soon,â he deadpanned as he pulled away from you to stand up. âRelax, she was my mentor. Iâm allowed to say hello, Dad.â
Your eyes flew between the two men in shock. âDad?â You blurted out. âHow many kids do you have? Because holy shââ
âSoon to be two if this one doesnât shut his trap,â Hongjoong hissed. âI can still cut your allowance, Kang Yeosang. Donât test me.â
âOh, please. You need me,â he chuckled sarcastically, tapping on the stethoscope he had around his neck that you didnât notice was there. You stared at him proudly, remembering the young Yeosang who always told you of his dreams to become a doctor one day back then.
âAnyway, you need to get out of here, Dad,â Yeosang said in urgency. âMingi will take care of everything. Itâs good training for the future, anyway. We need to purge your staff and I need to test every single surface of the manor to see if thereâs more antifreeze contamination.âÂ
Goosebumps erupted on your skin. Antifreeze. It was how you found yourself saying goodbye to Yeosang, with the promise of catching up as soon as everything was safe, and then the others before you were dressing up to go with Hongjoong to his supposed safe house.
âI can walk, you know?â You frowned when Hongjoong walked beside you the whole time, steadying you with a firm hold on your elbow. You hated how flustered it made you - how close he was, how natural it felt.
He glanced at you once, opting to ignore you as he opened the car door for you. But just before you could step in, he stilled. Hongjoong plucked a single sunflower and he tucked it carefully behind your ear. His eyes didnât meet yours, but his touch lingered longer than necessary.
Your heart stuttered so sharply it almost hurt. It fluttered against your ribs, traitorous and soft, the way it always did when he did something gentle without meaning to. The warmth of his fingers near your cheek lingered longer than the sunflower itself.
He helped you into the backseat, settled beside you without hesitation, and closed the door. You thought heâd pull away once the engine started. You thought heâd sit back in his own thoughts like always.
But he didnât. He pulled you close, gently but without question, and you leaned against his chest. His arm wrapped around you, fingers curling slightly against your side, grounding you. He held you the entire ride. And for the first time in days, the ache in your chest quieted.
âWhere are we going?â You couldnât help but ask, giving in to what your body currently needed and letting yourself lean onto his firm chest for once.
âMust you always ask irrelevant questions?â Hongjoong sighed.
You scoffed softly, thumping on his chest lightly. âHow do I know youâre not leading me to my death?â
âAre you stupid?â Hongjoong snapped, his eyes widening slightly in irritation. You met them with an equal force of annoyance. He sighed exasperatedly, already sick of your antics. âOne of my rest houses. Itâs on the far end of the city, almost near the suburbs. You should sleep.â
âWould you still hold me when I wake up?â You croaked, not knowing what you were thinking when you blurted the words out.
His thumb, which had been idly brushing against your arm, stilled. You didnât dare look up, didnât even breathe, until you felt the slow, deliberate way his hand curled tighter around you. âYes, darling,â he murmured, fixing the flower on your ear before fixing your hair.
It was infuriating, really, how a man who so easily sliced you open with his words could undo you completely with a simple touch. Your pulse betrayed you, and you didnât dare look at him, afraid he might see just how deeply that one small act had shaken you.
You couldnât sleep, not after that. Not while Hongjoong held you in his arms the entire time, his hand brushing your hair away from your face every fifteen minutes and he did so until the car stopped moving and he was helping you get down again.
âEasy, there,â he frowned when you took the wrong step and almost tripped.
âDonât pretend you care now,â you raised a brow, even as your fingers curled instinctively into the fabric of his shirt.
âI donât,â he said too quickly, too defensively. But he was still holding you like you were made of glass and you couldnât help but fist the front of Hongjoongâs shirt. He didnât push you away and neither did you pull away.Â
Surprisingly, the rest house was of modest stature, situated in the middle of a small town. It was smart, blending in would be easy. It was simple and cozy, there was the typical small kitchen, a bathroom, and one bedroom with one bed. You stared. Hongjoong stared back.
âWeâll manage,â he said as he set the bags down, looking away and avoiding eye contact. âItâs easier to keep an eye on you this way.â
You opened your mouth to object, but your mouth wasnât cooperating with your mouth today. âI-I'd love to sleep with you,â you blurted out without thinking.
Hongjoong froze mid-step, one brow raising with almost comical precision. It wouldâve been endearing since youâve never seen the usually poised man this caught-off guard before, but right now, you wanted to dig a hole, crawl in it, and never see the light of day again.
âI mean sleep as in literally sleepâI didnât, I meant to say I donât mind sleeping with you, uh, literallyâoh my God,â you stammered, hands flying up to cover your face in pure panic.
âWhy donât you, uh, relax on the balcony while I do this?â Hongjoong said, and you didnât miss the smirk on his face as he turned back to the bag he was unpacking.
You slept facing opposite sides that night. But somehow, the air between you was tighter than before. You lay stiffly on your back, eyes on the ceiling, acutely aware of every tiny shift in the sheets with each of his movements. âCan you stop fidgeting too much?â Hongjoong clicked his tongue. âIâm not going to eat you.â
You scoffed softly. âYou donât hear me complain about your awful breathing sounds.â
âYou want me to stop breathing, then?â
âThatâs literally not what I said,â you turned sharply toward him, only to find him already watching you. The two of you blinked at each other in silence. Eventually, you turned away again, cheeks burning, pulling the covers over your head.
You tried to find a comfortable position to sleep on, tossing and turning until your body felt right, but when the right angle had your leg up on Hongjoongâs by accident, he didnât move, and neither did you.
And when you woke up the next day with your arm wrapped around his chest with his own arm cradling your head to his neck, you both didnât say a word about it, but he didnât move, and neither did you. âHongjoong,â you rasped, half of your brain still dead from the world. â...Joong.â
âHmm?â He hummed huskily from sleep, the vibrations of his chest traveling straight to your spine.
âIâm hungry,â you said. âHavenât eaten since last night.â
You felt him turn his head, his lips touching your hairline directly, the warmth of it searing on your skin. âFive more minutes,â he replied hoarsely. âCan you do that for me?â
You nod groggily while he molded you closer to him, your cheek pressing just a little firmer to the warm space beneath his collarbone. âGood girl,â he whispered softly, low, and utterly wrecked by sleep.
Your body tensed like someone had just poured ice water down your head. Your eyes snapped open as you felt your throat tighten, not daring to move or breathe too loud. You just lay there, heart hammering wildly in your chest, trying to pretend like you hadnât just short-circuited. âAre you drinking my coffee?â he snapped at you the next day, catching sight of your cup. âAgain?â
Just like that, the both of you were back to bickering like normal. âItâs not my fault you bought me that shitty sugar-free crap that tastes like nothing,â you said, sipping smugly. âPlus, your coffee tastes better.â He crossed his arms, narrowing his eyes in annoyance. âItâs black with three shots of espresso. You canât handle that.â âI can handle you, canât I? Nothing worse than that.â He scoffed loudly in disbelief, muttering about how the younger generation was disrespectful before he snatched the cup and handed you a water bottle instead. âHydrate before you pass out on me.â
You frowned, fully irritated at your caffeine being stolen. âHey, I wasnât donââ âAnd you call that breakfast?â He looked pointedly at your sad-looking toast. âItâs no wonder why I mistake your brain for an ornament sometimes.â You didnât even get a chance to shoot back at his arrogance before he rolled his eyes but took your plate, setting down a neatly packed bento box. âEat something thatâs actually worth eating. Fuckâs sake, do I really have to do everything around here?â
The both of you went on like that for days, and as maddening as Hongjoong was, you were somehow thankful for how normal everything felt, though now, the change between you and Hongjoong was starting to become evident.
âHow long would it take for you to clean this entire house?â He asked one day out of the blue. He stared disapprovingly at the phone in your hand. If you didnât know any better, youâd think he was riling you up just to get a reaction out of you.
Your eyes ticked, but you didnât look up at him. âIt depends on how many helpers you want me to hire.â
âWhy would you hire cleaners?â Hongjoong frowned.
âYou asked.â
He scoffed, clearly displeased at the response. âNo, I asked you. If youâre going to live here, you might as well do something that lessens the burden you put on me.â
âI did,â you shot back, finally looking up, mildly offended at the insinuation. âI made you dinner every night, one that you refused to eat.â
âWho told you I didnât?â He raised a brow. Your expression froze, but before you could say anything, he waved a hand. âAnyway, you still need to clean. If Iâm paying for your shit, I need something in return.â
Your mind was still reeling at the things unsaid between the lines. âWhy the hell would I be doing free labour for you?â
âWellââ
You cut him off, refusing to go down. âI just got poisoned, in case you forgot. I should be resting, for Godâs sake.â
âAnd I took you here to recuperate,â he replied sarcastically. âWhat now, then?â
âWhat about the times I had to deal with your grumpy ass? I donât see you paying for my mental state.â You retorted back, putting your phone away to stand up to him.
He paused, blinking repeatedly in thought. âI could get you a therapist.â
âYes,â you smiled brightly, a little too brightly. âI could also hire helpers to clean this house.â
His ears and neck redden in sheer frustration, and from here, you could see his mind malfunction slowly. âShut up,â he muttered, refusing to admit you one-upped him.
âWell, why donât you shut me up, then?â
You stilled, realizing what you just insinuated. His lips quirked, smug and amused, like heâd won a round you didnât realize you were playing as he shook his head.
The nighttimes werenât any better either. It was like bickering was both of yoursâ defense mechanisms. âTurn off the light,â you yawn from under the covers.
âYou turn it off,â Hongjoong replies from his side, brows raised in defiance. âYou got in bed last.â
You groan, swing your legs over dramatically, but just as you reach the switch, the light clicks off behind you. You turn and find Hongjoong smirking, holding a small remote control in his hand. âWeâre supposed to be a team here,â you hissed. âThere is no âIâ in team.â
âNo, but there is in idiot,â he grinned.
Your mouth dropped, charging at him to hit him over and over again with a pillow, and he didnât even let out a single sound as he deflected your so-called attacks. You huffed, trying to push off him, but the sheets had other plans. And truth be told, so did some strange, traitorous part of you.
Eventually, you both gave up, tangled under the blankets, breaths evening out against shared warmth. Once again, neither of you moved. In the hush that followed, you felt his thumb barely brush against your arm where it rested across his chest. You didnât speak. You didnât need to.
And it would have stayed like that if it werenât for the heavy weight that settled on your chest in the middle of the night. Literally. When you opened your eyes, an arm was pressing down your chest and you were met with Hongjoongâs glaring eyes.
âWhatââ, you were about to say when he covered your mouth hurriedly. He puts his finger to his lip to shush you and in your peripheral, you could see his arm slowly raising up a gun as he pointed at the door. Your eyes widen and your heart drops - someone was in the house.
Hongjoong didnât say a word. He shifted, slow and precise, the mattress barely creaking as he slipped off it and tiptoed towards the door. You clutched the sheets to your chest, your breath lodged somewhere in your throat as the door clicked open. It was silent; too silent.
Bang. Bang. Pause. Bang. Bang.
Your ears rang. You flinched with each shot, your hands shaking as you sat in the dark, unable to move, unable to breathe. You shut your eyes, covering your eyes to will all the sounds to stay distant, the reality of who Hongjoong was dawning on you. It was just a couple of weeks ago when you asked him whether he had killed or not.
The door creaked open again, slower this time. You jumped, expecting the worst, but Hongjoong stepped in quietly, expression unreadable, but the blood spattered across his cheek told you more than words ever could. The gun was nowhere to be found.
He didnât speak as he walked to the bed, just sat down at the edge and looked at you, eyes searching. You reached out, wiping the blood off gently. He closed his eyes at the touch, but it was enough. No words were exchanged, and there was nothing either of you could say that would ease the fear that settled in your gut.
So instead, he slipped under the covers again, pulled you into his chest, arms wound tightly around your body, trembling just a little. You closed your eyes, your hands digging onto his hand so hard, your fingertips might as well embed themselves on his skin.
âI wish my creator would tenderly wrap me in their own clothes to keep me sane and protected,â you murmured in the silence of the night. âGod has abandoned us and my uncle was a cruel substitute.â
âShould we choose to remain here together, would you forget the world thatâs waiting outside?â Hongjoongâs hand held yours just as tight. âWould you let the world fall away, if only for a while?â The world has fallen the moment I set my eyes on you. You nodded, shivering when he tucked a finger under your chin, pulling your face closer to his to press the softest of kisses upon your lips as if the both of you had been holding your breath for years, and this, it was the first exhale. If only for a while.Â
You woke to an emptiness you hadnât expected. The bed was still warm where heâd lain, but without Hongjoongâs arms around you, you felt oddly cold. But that wasnât what woke you up. It was the voices that came from the living room, one of which was Hongjoongâs, and you didnât have to listen in to know that he was in a heated argument with someone.
You tiptoed out quietly, careful not to make a sound, peeking from behind the hallway wall. Hongjoong lounged on the couch like it was his throne, legs spread, an elbow draped over the armrest with a smirk that screamed arrogance, like danger wrapped in lazy elegance.
The man standing in front of him, however, was anything but calm. He was tall, broad-shouldered, about the same age as Hongjoong, and radiating heat like a bonfire about to explode. His fists were clenched at his sides, jaw tight with restraint.
âYouâve got some nerve,â the stranger ground out. âKeeping her hidden this whole time like some secret you planned to hoard. If my men didnât hear the gunshots the other day, I wouldnât have known, you sick fuck.â
Your breath hitched. They were talking about you. Hongjoong chuckled, crossing his legs exaggeratedly. âThe only regret I have is that I didnât bring suppressors. We would have been out of here before you knew it. â
âYou bastard,â the tall man gritted his teeth, stepping closer to Hongjoong. âThis is my territory, you donât get to waltz in here with my niece and pretend I wouldnât kill you for it.â
Your ears rang at two words - territory and niece. This man was in the same business as Hongjoong was, and apparently you were this manâs niece. Slowly, you stepped out from behind the hallway wall, the silence in the room growing razor-sharp with each step.
Hongjoongâs back stiffened, but the other manâs posture tenses completely at the sight of you. âY/N,â he whispered, as if disbelieving he was seeing you in the flesh. âItâs really youâŚâ
You stared at the man closely. He looked familiar, it clawed at the edges of a memory you didnât know you still had. It wasnât the way he moved; it was the way his eyes mirrored someone elseâs eyes that you thought youâd never see again after all these years - your fatherâs.
And then, it hits you. You remembered the way his huge hands held yours every time he offered to babysit when both of your parents worked. His younger, puppy-like features were slowly coming to life in your head. âUncle Yunho,â you blurted, eyes wide.
Yunhoâs head jerked up, like he hadnât dared hope you'd remember. âYeah,â he said hoarsely. âItâs me, kid.â
Your knees nearly buckled, threatening to fall under the weight of the missing family that you could have had instead of your other uncle. Hongjoong was immediately by your side, catching you in his arms and holding you close and sitting you down beside him. âYou canât just come barging in here like you did,â he hissed. âYouâre in my house, I could kill you and no one would know.â
âIâm her blood, you blithering fool,â Yunhoâs lips twisted into fury. âYouâre the idiot that dragged her into this mess when she had a family - me.â
Hongjoongâs expression darkened. âYou werenât there---â
âAnd you think you were the better option?â Yunho growled. âYouâre like, what? A good thirteen years or so older than her? Youâre too damn old to be with her!â
That made Hongjoong stand, slow and deliberate, his stance loose but lethal. âAnd who the fuck are you to tell me that? You werenât there when shit hit the fan, donât get too cocky now.â
âI would have been if you didnât hide her from me,â Yunho scowled bitterly.
You barely registered your own shallow breathing, still stuck on the fact that your fatherâs older brother was there all along. All this time, you thought you were alone - that you had no one. Yunhoâs eyes followed the sound, and when he saw you, all the anger on his face softened instantly.
He was about to walk towards you, but Hongjoong quickly raised a hand to stop him. âOne more step and I swear Iâll end you right here,â he snarled. If you werenât sitting beside him, you wouldnât have noticed the way his eyes shifted into something a little more desperate.
Yunho scoffed, crossing his arms. âI wouldnât act like this if I were you, Kim. Youâve had her in your manor all this time. By mafia standards, you shouldâve married her within the first month. Why havenât you? Did you want to keep her locked up like a secret no one else can touch? Or are you just dragging her through the mud?â
You flinched, the implication sinking in like stones in your gut. You immediately locked eyes with Hongjoong whose expression dropped, shaking his head ever so slightly as you stared at each other. That was right, why hasnât Hongjoong married you yet? Come to think of it, the both of you havenât even talked about anything marriage related - the date, the venue, the vowsâhell, not even a promise.
Just tension, stolen touches, sleepless nights and a thousand unsaid things hanging heavy in the air. You swallowed thickly, trying not to let the sting of Yunhoâs words show, but it was too late. Or worse, was he planning to secretly give you back to your uncle after all?
âDonât listen to him,â he said tightly, crossing the room in three strides. His arm wrapped around you possessively, like shielding you from Yunho would shield you from the doubt unraveling in your chest. âSheâs mine, Jeong. Get lost. Itâs not like that, and you know it.â
Yunhoâs lips pressed into a thin line. But he relented, lifting his hands in a gesture of peace. âFine,â he muttered, then turned to you, his expression softening. âIâll be back.â
You hesitated as you watched your uncle walk away, but something tugged at your heart. You pried yourself free from Hongjoongâs tight, possessive arms, despite his protests, to run as fast as you could to follow Yunho out. The chill of the morning rain bit at your skin as you stepped into the yard. âWait, please!â
Yunho turned to face you fully. The hardness melted from his face, and in its place was something unbearably gentle. He completely halted in his steps, letting the rain soak through as he watched your pitiful form catch up to him. âY/Nââ
âThereâs something I donât understand,â you murmured, voice unsure. âI-I needed you when I was alone, I had no one. But why now? Why didnât you ever come for me?â
He sighed, taking his trench coat off to gingerly put it over your head as a deterrent for the pouring rain. âI did,â he said quietly. âBelieve me, I did. I never stopped. Even if I didnât find you here, I still wouldnât have stopped.â
And that, that was what broke you. Tears filled your eyes, sadness and relief pouring over you in waves. âAre youâŚin the same business as Hongjoong?â You asked wearily. âWere my parents?â
He pursed his lips, patting your head. It made your tears flow faster. Yunho had your fatherâs face, albeit older and more rounded. âThere are so many things you donât know,â he said softly. âThings you would have if you wouldâve been with me when your parentâs died. Itâs better this way. Iâm still enraged that that bastard hid you from me, but heâll keep you safe.â
But what did you know at this point? It was what plagued your mind the entire walk inside the house after Yunho had left after promising to catch up on lost time. You clutched the wet, dripping coat that still carried Yunhoâs familiar scent in your hands that wrapped around your senses, nostalgia hitting you full-force.
You didnât look up at Hongjoong, the haze of all the memories - of what could have been - attacking your mind. âWhy didnât you tell me?â You began, voice cracking, looking up at him with emotionless eyes. âYou knew andââ
âWould you have gone with him if you knew?â Hongjoong cut off, the familiar sharpness in his eyes pinning you from where you stood.Â
âI donât know that,â you replied sarcastically. âHow could I give you something I had no idea about the entire time?â
âOh, for the love of fucking God, Y/N. This, this is what pisses me off about you the most,â he snapped, stepping close, his gaze darkening. âContrary to your belief, Iâm not as callous as you deem me to be, and there are reasons for the things that I do around hereââ
âAnd what about me?â Your hands balled at your sides. âWhat about the life I was robbed of? You donât know what Iâve been through, you prick, the things that I had to endure. Yunho was right - you donât want to marry me, in fact, you fucking hate me, donât you? I didnât even want any of this in the first place!â For the first time, Hongjoongâs expression fell, and you didnât know what to feel about it. He was a beautiful man with a soul full of venom and a heart you werenât convinced actually beat, but right now, his expression only told you one thing - I do, I do know what youâve been through. His hand twitched at his side, and the muscle in his jaw jumped. âDonât you dare say that.â
âWhy not?â You seethed, shoving him backward with both hands. âBecause itâs true, isnât it? You had no plans in marrying me, but then again I was nothing but sold goods to you, I wouldnât be surprised if you end up killing me in a ditch somewhereââ
Something snapped in him. He pushed you back until you stumbled against the wall. The air was electric. âShut your mouth,â he seethed, but his voice was breaking, furious and wounded all at once. âYou would have gone with Yunho, I donât want you to go with him. You faltered, taken aback by how possessive he sounded. "I donât need to see you walking away from me when we had just begun. You want to know why I didnât tell you? Iâve already given up enough and Iâm not giving you up again.â
Again? He just stood there, panting, one hand curled in a fist over his chest like the words had ripped something open in him. âYou wouldnât understand,â he snarled, shaking his head vehemently. âYou never do.â
The silence afterward was deafening. You stared at him, chest heaving, tears hot and furious in your eyes, the confusion swirling in your head even more. It might be part of why your mouth moved on its own in either the best or worst decision of your life. âSo make me,â you whispered in quiet desperation. âIâm so tired of being kept in the dark, I know youâre hiding things from me, make me understandâ-â
He surged forward without warning, cupping your jaw as his mouth found yours like it had been searching, starving, waiting across lifetimes. The kiss was bruising, breath-stealing like he needed to taste the ache in your throat and the anger in your blood just to prove you were real. You gasped against him, and it was his undoing.
Your back hit the wall again, but it didnât matter anymore. Not when his lips softened slightly, tracing the corner of your mouth like an apology. Not when his breath was hot and reverent against your cheek, your jaw, your throat. His forehead fell against yours, both of you breathless. âTell me to stop,â he rasped, voice shaking as his thumb brushed your lip, swollen from his kiss. âTell me now and I will.â
But your fingers were already curling into his shirt, pulling him close. âI canât,â you whispered, voice wavering. âDonât make me.â
And that was all it took. Your lips refused to part from his as he pulled you to the couch, there was no way the both of you were reaching the bedroom, your clothes slowly peeling themselves away from your bodies all the while your tongues clashed against one another. His hands roamed with reverence, memorizing every tremble, every sigh. You didnât know where you ended and he began - just that the space between your bodies was no longer enough.Â
âOh, fuck,â his lust-addled voice sounded through the hush whispers of the intimacy you both found yourselves in. âYouâre beautiful, I knew youâd be, fuckâŚâ
You couldnât even have the nerve to cover your naked body as you stood in front of him; not when he was looking at you like you were the only salvation left in a world gone mad. He grabbed your hips, positioning you until you were straddling him as he sat plush on the couch. âYou donât have to do a thing, darling, Iâll take care of you,â he pressed a thumb on your swollen lips. âWould you let me?â
You nodded, feeling feverish in your head as he placed his hand on your hips, his hardness poking you in the spot where you wanted him the most. âY-Yeah,â you said. âPlease, I-I need you.â
The world could wait. Right now, it was just the two of you both bared, bruised, and still reaching for each other in the dark. He lifted your hips up, lowering you slowly onto his aching cock until your foreheads were clashing with each other. âY/N,â he whispered, straining, summoning chills through your ears. âIâll make it up to you next time, Iâm not going to last. Itâs been a while for me.â
You tilted your head, biting your lips to stop the lewd sounds threatening to come out from you. âW-What do you mean? You havenât been with o-others?â
Hongjoong shook his head with an earnest smile. âNo. Why would I when I have you?â
Your eye contact didnât break even when Hongjoong pushed your plump ass to grind on him, your eyes fluttering shut as you moaned out earnestly. Your fingers tangled in his hair, his breath warm at your collarbone, and when his name left your lips, it prompted him to snap his hips up to meet your grinding.
âHongjoong, ngh, fuck,â you gasped out, mouth slacked open at the force of his thrusts, your breasts bouncing their way freely at the pace he set. âH-HongjoongâJoong.â
You both finally let yourselves feel it all. Not just the passion, but the ache of the longing between you both. You held his face between your hands when his eyes fluttered closed, and for once, he looked unguarded. âMmm, ah, yes, yes, yes,â were all the sounds you could make amidst the skin slapping against skin as Hongjoong continuously pulled you up and down on his cock. âMore?â Hongjoongâs voice trembled at the pleasure clouding his brain. âYou canât leave me, alright? Not when Iâm making you feel so good like this.â
You nodded, mouth still open, snapping your eyes close in the pleasure of Hongjoongâs nails digging in your hips, scratching a line all the way to your chest until his hands were grabbing onto both of your plush tits. âSo fucking good,â he growled, his other hand traveling to your head, grabbing your hair. âCome here.â
Your lips met into a feverish kiss, your heated moans of lust and longing being swallowed by Hongjoongâs sinful mouth, and when you subconsciously squeeze his impaling cock, it was his turn to groan into your lips and bite onto your lower lip until you opened to let his wild tongue mess with yours. The moans that fell from the both of you created a dizzying sound in combination of the wet tongue kiss and the slapping of his balls up your ass.
âTouch me, please,â you begged, grabbing onto his hand down to your throbbing clit. âT-Touch m-me, I need to come, Joong, p-please.â
âFuck, youâre going to be the death of me,â he groaned, immediately drawing circles on your swollen bud, instantly drawing a garbled scream from you. âThatâs it, baby, fuck me. Ride my fucking cock, yes.â
You had not once paused from bouncing, continues fucking yourself ardently onto his thick, intruding cock until you were nothing but a senseless doll. âYou donât understand how long Iâve wanted this,â he rasped, his voice rough and uneven, his lips kissing and sucking every surface of your skin he could claim.Â
âIâve wanted you long before the day you looked me in the eye at that dining table. Each day was a risk I couldnât afford to take, but God, I wanted you anyway. Every day. In every fucking way.â
He kissed you again, deeper, needier. It wasnât just hunger - it was reprieve. Years of restraint burning away in the heat of a single truth finally spoken aloud. You were what he wanted. Always had been.
âJoong, a-ah, that feels so good,â you moaned out, all sense of mind gone from the feeling of him finally ravishing you the way you always wanted. âJust like that, say my name,â he gritted out, cupping your face tenderly in contrast to this thrusts, his eyes lidded and desperate. âIâve waited so long to hear you say my damn name, baby, please, Iâm begging you.â
âHongjoong,â you let out, loud and clear. His cock twitched in your cunt, but you werenât done yet. This was a man you had no problem seeing all of you. âHongjoong, Hongjoong, Hongjoong.â
Soon enough, you exploded. It wasnât the delicious rubbing of his fingertips in between young legs that or how deep his cock fucked that undid you, though that was a huge factor, but it was the way he kissed you, the way he looked at you like you hung the stars in the sky for him to admire. âOh, Iâm comâHongjoong, Joong, Joongââ
Hongjoong didnât last much longer. With his final thrusts, Hongjoong lifted his hips to fuck into you until all the both of you had was mind-blowing blankness fulled with heat and lust. Overstimulation coiled in your groin as your eyes rolled in the back of your head, your little whimpers spurring Hongjoong on until he came with a loud groan and spilled inside of you.
Everything slowed down with you slumped completely onto Hongjoongâs rising chest, meeting yours as you both tried to catch your breaths. The sex was fast, but it was all the both of you needed. âGood girl,â he whispered, turning your face to his for a quick kiss. âMy good girlâhey, you donât have to move yet, stay.â
You pulled out anyway, whimpering slightly at the sensation of Hongjoongâs cum dripping onto your thighs as you bent down to give him a kiss in return before sitting comfortably on his lap and laying your head on his chest, resting your head onto the crook of his neck as his arm quickly wrapped around you protectively. âItâs okay,â you whispered, your eyes slowly closing, your breath evening.
âYou want to stay like this?â Hongjoong asked fondly, his fingers lazily tracing patterns on your back.
But for naught. Sleep had caught on to you and the last thing you felt was Hongjoong carrying you as he chuckled affectionately at your drowsy state. It was the most peace youâve felt in a while.
Just like everything in your life, nothing good seemed to last forever. In the beginning, everything was smooth sailing. You and Hongjoong went back to the manor the next day, and it was nothing short of chaos the moment you stepped in the house where everyone was already waiting by the entrance. Seonghwa was the one who greeted you at the front door and his brows almost reached his hairline with how close you stood next to Hongjoong.
âThe hellâs wrong with you?â Hongjoong asked sharply. âWhy are you looking at us like that?â
Seonghwa raised his hands, blinking innocently. âNothing. Nothing at all.â
You frowned, not noticing the way you linked your arms with Hongjoongâs, but everyone did. Not one step inside the manor and everyone was already looking at the both of you. Jongho bent to grab both of your suitcases, but paused when he took one look at the both of you. âHuh,â he whispered. âWeird.â
Even Mingi who greeted his father, and you albeit stiffly, raised a brow, but opted not to say anything, just walking away while looking back at the both of you repeatedly like he was seeing what he wasnât supposed to be seeing. You and Hongjoong looked at each other, thoroughly confused, but shrugged it off.
And thatâs when San walked by, carrying a tray of cookies you loved so much, only to freeze when he saw Hongjoong gently placing a hand on your back to guide you past a stray step. He blinked over and over again until all the cookies plopped down towards the floor. âIâm sorry, what have you done to my favourite dysfunctional couple?â
You were horrified, mouth agape as you stared at all the sugary goodness on the floor. âMy cookies,â you frowned, tugging at Hongjoongâs sleeve. âJoongâŚâ
It only got worse when Hongjoong leaned down, pressed a kiss to your cheek nonchalantly and murmured, âI have to work for a couple of hours to catch up while we were gone. Iâll be back to spoil you rotten, yeah? Iâll see if I can order cookies after, so be good.â
You blinked, stunned, and so did literally everyone else in the hallway. The silence that followed couldâve cracked glass. You stood there, flustered, a hand over your cheek where he just kissed you in front of everyone.
Wooyoung took one look at you, one look at Hongjoongâs retreating form as he walked away, before letting out a screech so loud and unholy that you covered your ears immediately. âOh my fucking God, what was that?â Wooyoung shouted, flailing like a game show host on a sugar high. âDid you just call him Joong?â
But that was it, because after that, it was like everything never even happened. You werenât sure what you expected. Hongjoong pulling you aside just to hold you again like he did that night? Instead, life resumed as if nothing had changed. He never really did get you those cookies nor did he spend time with you afterwards anymore.
He wasnât snarling or glaring at you anymore, that was for sure, but he always kept you close even in the small gestures like sitting beside you or holding your hand, but that was it. You still slept in separate rooms, and there were no more whispers in the dark, no more soft kisses, no more of him asking for five more minutes in bed before he got up. No one questioned it.
It started small, you almost convinced yourself you imagined it. During meals, he no longer sat beside you. Heâll speak, heâll nod, but his body always angles away from you. That was when the absence of touch came next. Once, Hongjoongâs hand would find your lower back or brush yours when passing you a glass, but now, he didnât reach out, didnât accidentally graze your skin.
One afternoon, you entered the library. You hadnât even called out his name, but the moment he saw you, he stood, gathered his things, and left. It was when his cold formality started again, never with warmth, and when he gave you instructions, he didnât say your name. When you responded, his eyes would flicker, but he never truly looked at you.
By mafia standards, you shouldâve married her within the first month.
Yunhoâs words sank deeper than you wanted to admit. They curled under your skin like thorns. What if he was right? What if Hongjoong had never planned to marry you at all? Your eyes burned, and you blinked furiously to push the sting away. He had kissed you, held you, had made love to you. And now, he was walking around as if he hadnât touched every inch of your soul.
You rubbed at your chest as if you could soothe the ache building there. What if this was it? What if this cold civility, this silence, was all he thought you were worth? Maybe he didnât want to marry you. Maybe he never did.
Then came the locked doors. You never really hung out with him when he worked, but the locked door was suspicious. He also began sending people in his place. Hongjoong no longer filled your space, he ghosted it. You couldnât even remember the last time he told you something directly.
You werenât stupid. You knew how this world worked, how alliances were made and unmade at the flick of a wrist, at the spill of a secret. Maybe you had just been another deal. A piece of a war you werenât meant to survive. Which was why you barged into his office one day without bothering to knock or close the door.
He didnât seem at all surprised at your intrusion. He sighed, lowering his glasses and looking at you with tired eyes. âWhatâs this about, darling?â
âDo you regret us? Touching me? Kissing me?â You started, unable to stop the spiral now. âOr are you just pretending it didnât happen so I donât get any stupid ideas l-like marriage or a future?â
He didnât answer. A bitter laugh escaped your lips, barely a sound. âI canât believe you,â you murmured, your voice cracking around the edges. âAre you telling me what I felt was nothing? You almost had me fooled there, Hongjoong. I thought for sure hope wasnât just a word anymoreââ
âCan you not? How about this,â he sighed, placing his hands on your cheeks to cup it like he did before, and your traitorous body leaned onto his touch. âIâll take you out later, okay? Let me just finish working. Sounds good?â
âAre you going to marry me?â You blurted out instead. He stiffened. You felt it immediately his arms didnât fall away, but his hold loosened just enough for the space between you to feel colder than it had before. âHongjoong?â
It spiraled. Your brain wouldnât stop spinning. You didnât remember pushing him and running away to the comfort of your room after locking the door. All you remember was his refusal to answer and look at you. And the way he never did take you out after.
And the worst of all, everyone had noticed. You had lost your spark, that light in your eyes, that drive in your walk. The anxiety, the paranoia, was slowly eating you alive. You were falling apart at the seams, and no one dared to say it out loud. But you could feel it; this immense pressure building in your chest like a ticking bomb.
Another thing was you were also starting to notice the way everyone was looking at you. It wasnât quite pity, no, but it was akin to the end. To be fair, if Hongjoong was to keep acting like this, the end was nigh, indeed. What if this was all a game? What if he was keeping you close for power? Or pity?
You were thirty-three when your heart had failed you in a way that stayed. Your reflection in the mirror didnât even look like you anymore. It looked like someone trying to be worthy of being chosen. Marrying Hongjoong was a want now, not a necessity, and that broke you.Â
And then, one day, it all seemed to shatter. You were passing by Hongjoongâs office, an excuse youâve been telling yourself just to see if you were going to have a small glimpse of him, when you heard it. Voices low, urgent, and hushed. One of them was Hongjoongâs.
âItâs being finalized, then?â Hongjoongâs sharp, business-like voice asked.
âYes,â Mingi replied, serious and deep. âI reckon weâll be able to make a move soon and then everything will be settled. You could let her go after.â
You froze in place, feeling like ice has been poured over you. Seonghwa sighed. âItâs justâŚare we really doing this? After everything? Wonât it destroy her?â
âWhat she doesnât know wonât hurt her. Besides, itâs not knowledge she deserves to have, anyway. I didnât go this far just for her to know. Itâs better this way,â Hongjoong said curtly.
âDoes she even know?â Sanâs voice now asked. âIâm confused. You both looked like you almost had it going, Joong. Why didnât you tell her then?â
âNo,â Seonghwa replied, sighing. âHongjoongâs keeping her in the dark until all the loose ends are tied. Her bastard uncle did sign a contract after all, so technically sheâs with us. Itâs a good thing.â
Mingi clicked his tongue. âIt shouldnât have gone this far, Father. Youâre lucky sheâs still loyal after everything. You shouldâve told her from the start this engagement was a fraud.â
Your heart stuttered. You covered your mouth, willing yourself to stay silent as tears started to pool on the side of your eyes.Â
âI still think itâs cruel,â San murmured. âAre you ever going to tell her, Hongjoong? Youâre really gonna let her go? Just like that?â
There was a beat of silence that stretched for far too long before Hongjoong spoke again. âThere was never supposed to be an âusâ anyway. It was a mistake that should have never happened.â
You couldnât take it anymore, taking off as soon as that conversation ended. You sat on the floor of your room, knees tucked into your chest, the ache in your bones eclipsed only by the quiet, creeping devastation hollowing you out from the inside. Yunhoâs words echoed in your mind like a curse you couldnât shake. By mafia standards, you shouldâve married her within the first month. Why havenât you? Did you want to keep her locked up like a secret no one else can touch? Or are you just dragging her through the mud?
But now? Now, after hearing that conversation, after watching him pass you in the hallway like a stranger, after everyoneâs pitying glances and whispered silences, it all felt so grotesquely clear - you werenât something he was building a future with, you were someone he was using.
You tried to breathe, but it came out ragged, your chest too tight. The truth clawed at you with wild, unforgiving hands. Yunho had been right all along, and now you were stuck in a house that felt more like a mausoleum than a home with a name he would never give you and a heart he would never claim. You spent days like that, refusing to see anyone who noticed they havenât seen your face in a while, leaving the trays of food placed on your door untouched, and only going out to use the bathroom. It was how you had accidentally left the door ajar for someone to find you, face blotchy and swollen when Jongho came in, eyes widened at your messed up state, as he helped you up to sit on the bed.Â
âY/N, what happened to you?â He let out in concern. He stood up, and you thought for a second that he was giving you the space you clearly needed when you didnât answer, but you were wrong. âIâm calling Hongjoong,â he said, already pulling out his phone. âI donât know what happened, but you clearly need him.â
Something in your mind snapped into a quiet haze. Jongho was handsome. He was kind, and he was always there for you. For one breathless second, you wished that you could feel something, anything, other than the emptiness Hongjoong had left you with.
âDonât call him,â you murmured, voice cracking as you reached for his hand. You looked up at Jongho, his brows furrowed in confusion. And before you could stop yourself, before you could think, you whispered, âKiss me.â
Jonghoâs entire body froze. His lips parted slightly, eyes widening, not with desire, but with shock and pity. He roze, the blood draining from his face. âY/N, I donâtââ
âPlease,â you begged. âI need to feel like Iâm not losing everythingââ
âY/N?â Hongjoongâs voice suddenly crackled on the phone. âWhatâs going on? Jongho, what in Godâs name are you doing?â
The call had connected after all, but you were done caring about Hongjoong. You grabbed Jonghoâs shirt, lowering him to your lips. âI-I need to feel something, Jongho, please pretend Iâm wanted,â your voice cracked.
âWhat the fuck is going on?â Hongjoong's voice roared through the speaker, frantic now. âI am going to skin you alive and drain your blood if you do it, donât you dare, Jonghoââ
But Jongho didnât move. He respectfully held your shoulders, keeping you at armâs length with utmost care. âIâm sorry,â he said, voice soft, heavy with pity but unwavering. âYou donât need more lies right now.â
On the other end of the phone, Hongjoongâs breathing was ragged, silent, tortured, like he was ready to rip through space to get to you before the line went dead. It was when you broke down, sobbing in Jonghoâs arms apologizing through and through for your utterly shameful behaviour, thanking him for not taking advantage of your momentary weakness.
And then, the anger settled in. How dare Hongjoong act like that after what you overheard? Whatâs it to him that you wanted to kiss someone elseâs lips besides his filthy ones? You remembered the way his voice sounded when told you that one dinner night that you were not to wear a ring. You should have known.Â
You made up your mind then - you were leaving him. You werenât going to live trapped in the unknown. Youâd spent years chained under your uncleâs care, and now under the illusion of Hongjoongâs protection, but no more. Maybe youâd stay with Yunho to start again and figure out who you really were outside of the Kim manorâs walls.
But first, you needed that damn contract. The one that bound you to Hongjoong as his property. After much deliberation, the easiest way would be to drive him out of his office long enough for him to not come back.
So you picked a fight, purposefully targeting his tendency to get possessive of you like you were his property. It spurred you on, and at first, he wasnât budging, but when you mentioned off-handedly about the kiss you wanted from Jongho, he bit.
The effect was instant. Hongjoong instantly stopped what he was doing, his entire frame taut with tension, his eyes narrowed dangerously. âWhat did you say?â He asked coldly.
You bit your lip to hold your smirk back. âI said,â you drawled. âMaybe I shouldâve asked Jongho to kiss me again.â
That did it. His steps toward you were slow, deliberate, dangerous. He growled low under his breath, shoving past you, practically vibrating with possessive rage. âI donât know what game youâre playing at, but donât test me, Y/N,â he snapped. âIâve killed for less without blinking.â
Your heart beat erratically as you listened to Hongjoongâs furious commands to hand him his keys so he could drive off that were sounding further and further until you heard the front door slam so hard, you could practically feel it vibrate from where you were.
Perfect. Now all you had to do was find the damn contract - and whatever other secrets heâd been hiding.
Luckily for you, Hongjoong didnât lock his cabinets. To be completely fair, nobody in their right mind - except you, apparently - would even dream of digging through his files while he wasnât present. It was like finding a needle on a haystack, but whenever youâd recall the conversation you overheard here, it gave you a newfound sense of determination. Finally, you found it. With trembling hands, you gingerly took the contract that basically held your uncleâs life and bound you to Hongjoong. You hated your uncle for selling you, but at the same time, you couldnât imagine not meeting Hongjoong at all.
This was it, you were done, and you were leaving. You had already packed what little you brought here and all that was left now was to burn the bridge behind you and never look back. Tears welled in your eyes, however, as you willed Hongjoongâs fond eyes as he looked at you out of your mind. Your story with him had happened, but now, it had to end.
You folded the contract resolutely. Just as you turned to leave, something fluttered from between the pages. It was a thinner piece of paper, tucked behind the contract, and it fell towards the floor, face up. You blinked in confusion, was this another part of the contract?
You crouched, hand shaky as you picked it up, but before you could touch it, you froze. Your pulse skipped, heart sinking the moment your eyes caught the title - it was a marriage contract and it had Hongjoongâs unmistakable signature on it.
You blinked once, twice, but the name didnât change. The blood drained from your face, a sudden rush of nausea coiled in your gut with bile that started to burn your throat as you backed away from the fallen paper as if it had a contagious disease of some sort.
Was this it? The secret heâd been keeping? Your chest felt like it had caved in. No wonder he didnât want to marry you - he literally couldnât. He already belonged to someone else and you seeked comfort in his arms like you belonged in it when, in fact, you did not. You never did.
You ran out of the office, your pathetic tears finally falling from your eyes as you felt your heart starting to break. You didnât bother stopping for Wooyoung, who looked genuinely worried for your state, and you pushed past a surprised Seonghwa, who was the last person you ever wanted to see besides Hongjoong.
You shoved the contract hastily in your luggage, trudging it silently towards the back door you knew nobody passed or guarded, each movement mechanical, like your soul detached itself long ago. The suitcase was filled with your clothes, but really, it's all the things you never meant to carry - bitterness and heartbreak.
You barely made it one step outside when a hand grabbed your arm from behind, spinning you unceremoniously. It was someone you never expected in a million years, and he was already waiting by the door like he knew youâd come out here. âRunning away again, I see,â Mingi eyes your luggage. âThough it seems you have no plans of coming back.âÂ
His features are etched from the same ice as his father's - cold, unreadable. Heâs never spoken to you beyond what's necessary. You pulled your arm away harshly from his hold. âNot that it would matter,â you scoffed. âHongjoong has no plans of marrying me, whatâs the point?â
Realization seemed to dawn on him. âYou found the certificate. Is that why Wooyoung said youâre crying?â He sighed, long and breathy, as if he wasnât prepared for what he was about to say next. âI have to give it to you, youâre clever for driving him out of his office, but whatever it is youâre thinking, youâre dead wrong.â
You laugh once, bitter and sharp. âI saw it with my own two eyes, and the facts speak for themselves, donât they? All heâs ever made me feel was that I was an inconvenience to him.â
âYouâve only seen what heâs allowed you to see,â Mingi says quietly. âYou think my father doesnât care about you, but Y/N, heâd sell his soul for you. For what itâs worth, we all think it shouldâve never gone this far.â
âYeah, well,â you exhaled sharply, turning to leave again. âItâs a little too late for thatââ
âDonât leave,â Mingi said, almost a whisper, almost a plea. You faltered, stunned at how he wasnât letting you pass. He rubs his face between his hands in distress. âHow about this, let me show you something, and if that still doesnât change your mind, Iâll even help you walk away.â âWhy?â You asked coldly, but followed him back to what seemed like Hongjoongâs office anyway. âYou made it clear that you never liked me from the beginning.â
âBecause Iâm not going to let him lose you, not like this,â Mingi opened the door for you to enter. âAnd I never disliked you. You are my fatherâs one shot at the happiness he never got before, I could never dislike you for that.â
San was already there. He looked up as you entered, and your breath caught. In his hands was the very marriage certificate that had shattered you just moments ago. He eyed your luggage, resignation clear in his eyes. âY/N, I am so, so sorry,â his voice cracked when you refused to meet his eye. âYou deserve to know the truth before you walk away, at least.â
Mingi sighed and walked over to the far side of the desk. He reached under the edge, clicking something underneath. âThis,â he held out a small recording device. âIs for protection and insurance whenever he invites people over here. It never stops recording. Iâm sure you know where Iâm going with this.âÂ
And with that, he presses play. You didnât speak, just listened. At first, you heard nothing, just pure static and a couple of movements before San fast forwarded it, stopping when he was satisfied.
âSheâs beautiful, Hwa, my goodness. Her photos donât do her justice,â Hongjoongâs familiar voice sounded all over the room, slightly startling you. âI-I mustâve looked like a fool during dinner. How am I supposed to pretend that Iâm not head over heels in love with her?â
âYou did look like a fool,â Seonghwaâs voice said next, deadpanned. âItâs embarrassing, Joong. Your own son had to tell you to stop staring.â
Head over heels? It didnât make sense. Not when he avoided you for the longest time, not when he stood silent while you begged for clarity. San started fast forwarding again.
âAre you out of your goddamn mind?â The voice was unmistakably Hongjoongâs sharp, furious, and barely restrained. âFlirting with her in front of me? Do you want me to ship you back in Suwon, you uncultured swine?â
Wooyoungâs familiar laughter shrieked all over the room so loud, Mingi rolled his eyes. âMy God, Dad, you are so down bad. Iâve never seen you so jealous in my life. I have no plans to steal your wife, relax.â
âThatâs not the point,â Hongjoong snapped. âDonât touch her like that again. Donât talk to her like sheâs anyone but mine. Do you understand me?â
You stood there, frozen. Your hands trembled slightly as you remembered that day so clearly in your head. San gave Mingi a glance before silently playing the recording again.
âI fucked up,â Honjoong started, but it was in a voice youâve never heard on him before, and for some reason, it hurt your heart to hear. âI shouldnât have shouted at her during dinner, she looked at me like Iâd hit her. And I-I hate myself for it, she probably hates meââ
âYou think?â Jonghoâs voice responded, unusually sharp. âShe looked like she wanted the floor to swallow her whole. Seriously, what were you thinking?â
âI shouldnât have pushed the plate like that, but it had avocados in it,â Hongjoongâs voice faltered, like he was trying to rein himself in.Â
There was a pause in the recording, and in your head as well. You felt like you were about to faint. âAvocados?â San in the recording asked, clearly confused.
Hongjoong sighed heavily and you could practically hear him pacing in his office. âSheâs allergic to avocados. Allergic enough for anaphylactic shock.â
âYou couldâve just said something,â San replied, dry and disbelieving. âThat wasnât just over the line, Joong. It was humiliating.â
âThatâs why she reacted like that when I told her about the dressing,â Jongho commented off-handedly. âBut still, you scared her. Hell, you scared all of us.â
âI was scared as well, thatâs why Iâm furious,â Hongjoong snapped. âI clearly told the staff to not put avocados in her food. How was I supposed to tell her without arousing suspicion of the fucker that did it?â
That night, youâd gone to bed wondering if he hated you. Meanwhile, he was probably pacing the floor in this very room, wondering if you were still breathing, wondering if he should have just shouted your allergy across the table rather than risk letting you eat what couldâve killed you. âYou okay to keep going?â San asked softly. When you nodded stiffly, he pressed play again.
âDid you order food out?â Wooyoungâs voice sounded out this time. âOh, that actually looks good, can I have someââ
A loud smack can be heard in the background before Wooyoungâs yelp. âNo,â Hongjoongâs light, almost boyish tone, smugly denied. âMy love made this for me. Can you guys believe it? Sheâs literally perfect in every way, she even cooks well, too. A literal angel in every sense, I tell you.â
âHold on, is that why sheâs been hanging around the kitchen late?â Wooyoung asked, confused. âBut she looks so down everytimeâshe doesnât know youâre eating them, does she?â
There was a pause before Seonghwa spoke next, his voice quieter. âYou have to tell her, Joong. Me and San have to carry the burden of seeing her tears the next day every single time we pretend to throw away the food the next day. She makes them with love, you know?â
Silence. Then Hongjoong sighed, deep and hollow. âGod, I want to, but not yet. You know thereâs a mole in the staff. If I let on that I care too much, it puts a target on her back. Itâs the only way to protect her without tipping my hand.â
There was a pause. âSheâs so bright when she cooks, and I never tell her,â he continued heavily. âI said nothing, like I always do. So for now, all I could do is savour her food, you know? It keeps my longing away for now.â
Something in your chest cracked. You remembered those nights. You never imagined he cherished every bite in silence, keeping up a mask to protect you from shadows you didnât even know were looming. Suddenly, it transitioned into a conversation you knew far too well, the one you heard before you ran away to the playground.
âBut you canât keep doing this to keep giving her the cold shoulder, Joong,â Seonghwa clicked his tongue. âSheâs too perceptive and you know she'll find out, what are you going to do then?â
âGive me time,â Hongjoongâs tone shifted into something darker. âWeâre so close to caging in Yoo Jaehwan, that bastard ruined her life. Please, no one can know for now. I have to make sure heâll pay for that car accident that almost cost her and Yeosang.â
You gasped audibly, almost tripping at what you just heard. There was only one car accident that had Yeosang and you in it, did this run deeper than you initially thought?
âShe wonât be safe forever, you know that. Sanâs working on Mingiâs intel for the hit and run. It was damn near impossible to find who hit her parents back then. You think Jaehwan knows?â
âThereâs no denying it. That bastard killed them. She will be safer here, so please, watch over her for me. I will never forgive myself if something happens to her. Sheâs my everythingâwhoâs there?â
And all this time, the man you thought didnât care,the man whose cold shoulder and distant silence had crushed you, had been carrying the weight of it all in secret. You shook your head in denial, if this wasnât enough, your uncle had something to do with your parentsâ death as well. âMake it stop,â you begged. âI-I canâtââ
âIâm sorry,â Mingi apologized, and you could see he was genuine this time. âWe have to keep going. This is why Father was the way he was with you. You have to know.â
You heard a glass clink against another, followed by the unmistakable sound of Hongjoongâs tired hiccup, more human than you'd ever heard him, before the familiar sigh of Seonghwa followed. âThatâs enough,â he gently coaxed. âYouâre drunk, Joong. Youâre half goneââ
âHalf gone? I havenât been whole since I lied to her,â Hongjoongâs drunk and pained voice slurred. âShe ran away from me, Hwa. And I deserve it. I was prepared for her hate, but not her absence. When I couldnât find her, I was so damn scared, none of you even understood.â
Hongjoong swallowed more alcohol. âI love her, Seonghwa. I love her more than this house, more than the empire, more than anything. But if she knew what Iâve done, sheâd never stay.â
You clutch the edge of the table like itâs the only thing holding you upright. âThereâs still time to tell her,â Seonghwa advised. âMingi still thinks you shouldnât hide this.â
âWhat if she realizes Iâm the reason her life turned to hell?â Hongjoong cried out in melancholy. âIâm terrified sheâll disappear for good when she finds out what Iâve done and made the selfish decision to make her mineââ
âBut she doesnât know that,â Seonghwa said softly. âShe doesnât know you held her hand the whole time in the hospital. You did it to protect her. You married her, for Godâs sake.â
Your knees nearly gave out. That hand - warm, calloused, unmoving but steady - had been the only thing tethering you to life. That hand was the only one that stayed when no one else did. Tears sprung to your eyes, that hand had been your lifeline, and after all this time, you had been his.Â
âI married her to settle a score. But somewhere along the line, I just,â Hongjoong sniffled. âI just loved her. Every day I donât tell her, she drifts further from me. And I-I donât know how to fix it.â
You swallowed audibly when the recording paused. There was only one question lingering in your head, one that San read on your face but refused to acknowledge. Instead, he reached forward and pressed play. The room was silent again, except for the soft static of the next recording beginning to play.
âIâll bow to your king when he shows himself,â your voice played out this time, clipped and cut. You cringed internally. You remember how liberated you felt after that day, but now you were about to find out what happened after you stormed out.
Seonghwa and Mingi were in the room that day and you were expecting the three of them to talk about your utter disrespect, but you were not expecting Hongjoongâs laughter, loud, bubbly, and full of mirth after a few seconds of you walking away.
âWell, would you look at that,â Mingi snorted, but even through the recording, you could hear the subtle fondness in his voice. âYouâve finally found your match, Father.â
âGod, Iâm so proud of her,â Hongjoong said through his laughter, his voice breathless and utterly thrilled. âDid you see the way she stood up to me like a champ? Iâve never been that close to finishing on the spot.â
Mingi let out a sound of pure, exaggerated revulsion. âPlease, never let me hear that again. That is fucking disgusting, this is why I get drunk often.â
âOh, it gets worse,â Seonghwa chortled. âDid you see the way he looked at her? He was looking at her like he wanted her to break his neck and thank her for it. It was sickening. I wanted to bleach my eyes.â
âShut up,â Hongjoong muttered, but there was no real heat behind it. You could hear the smile in his voice. It was small, secretive, a little lovesick.
âNo, you shut up,â Seonghwa shot back with playful disbelief. âShe literally insulted your bloodline and told you that you are not the king of your own empire in her eyes and you look like youâre ready to carve her name onto your chest.â
âWell, he just might,â Mingi answered dramatically. âYou two make marriage look fun. My moneyâs on her, you know? Hell, everyoneâs is at this point.â Â
Hongjoong laughed again, sounding more genuine, if that was possible. âSo is mine.â
Youâve barely let that settle before the next recording sounded. You froze. This was the most recent, the catalyst that set this whole thing in motion. âI still think itâs cruel,â San murmured. âAre you ever going to tell her, Hongjoong? Youâre really gonna let her go? Just like that?â
âThere was never supposed to be an âusâ anyway. It was a mistake that should have never happened,â Hongjoong sighed and you were confused. You didnât remember him sounding this torn about it. This was when you ran away crying to your room utterly heartbroken.
âThatâs my wife, San. I donât want to let her go, but it was cruel for me to take her secretly. I have to let her go if she doesnât want to stay even if it hurts me. We go for the kill, but leave Jaehwan to me. I want to kill him, myself.â
The recording ended there, for good this time. You just stood there shaking, lips parted, eyes glassy. He hadnât just tolerated you, he adored you - no, he loved you hopelessly with a hidden love that he kept choking down behind layers of silence and strategy.Â
You feel your knees weaken not from pain, but from the crushing, beautiful truth that maybe you were never unloved. âI-I donât understand,â you blurted, tears blurring your vision. âT-There has to be a mistake. Heâs married to someone elseââ
San started to show you the marriage certificate again, but you didnât want anything to do with it. âY/N,â San said gently, catching your hand before you could shove the paper away. âJust look closer, please. At the bottom.â
Your gaze dropped, unwilling at first but your breath stopped, your mind stilling into chaotic silence when you saw it - your name and signature right beside Hongjoongâs. You blinked hard, heart thrashing in your chest. âI donât remember this. I never - how could I not know I was married?â
âOur job is done. We shouldnât be the ones explaining this. You need to hear it from him,â Mingi said as he stood and with a final glance, the door clicked shut, and you were left alone with your thoughts, the weight of the paper, and a heart that no longer knew what to believe.
You were shaking your head violently, eyes already welling up with tears you refused to acknowledge. One by one, everything started to make sense, even the little things you ignored for fear of falling too hard - your avocado allergy, how he picked raisins out of your food, your photo on his desk you now knew for sure he kept staring at every single day.
And everyone knew too, there were also the telltale signs of everyone slipping by accident - the way San froze when he found out your name was Jeong, Seonghwa telling you it was finally nice to meet you, overhearing Yeosang say you werenât just a wife, you were someone Hongjoong would burn the world for.Â
You shouldâve been angry, and you were, but underneath all of that was grief not just for yourself, but for him too. Your chest ached as you imagined all those nights he must have sat awake, planning, hiding, hurting. All those moments you begged him to speak, and he couldnât not because he didnât want to - but because he loved you too much to risk everything.
A sob clawed its way up your throat. You wiped your face with shaking hands, but the tears wouldnât stop now. How long had he carried all this alone? How long had he loved you silently, forced to cage every affection? How could you hate someone for hurting you when all they ever wanted was to protect you? It must have been crushing.Â
Your heart was a tangled, desperate mess in your chest by the time the door finally opened. Hongjoong stepped in, his brows pinched together in confusion when he saw you there. When he saw the marriage certificate crumpled tightly in your hands, it was like the ground vanished beneath his feet.
He stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes blown wide, his breath catching audibly. It was like you also held his heart in your hands. All the color drained from his face, but somewhere in his eyes, relief shone through. And you knew why - all the pretending has to stop now and you both knew it.
Hongjoong slowly closed the door behind him, eyes never leaving yours, and for once, he looked afraid, vulnerable and human. âWe need to talk,â he said hoarsely, and there wasnât a trace of command in his voice, only quiet pleading as he slowly approached you.
âWhy didnât you just tell me?â You cried out, heart aching and throat tight, the paper trembling in your hands like the storm inside you that was finally meeting his. âEverything hurts, Hongjoong. I canât breathe.â
Without another word, he knelt in front of you, like the wind had been knocked out of him, and reached for you with trembling hands. You collapsed into his chest, sobbing openly as he cradled you to him. His warmth surrounded you, his scent grounding you, and for the first time, his arms didnât feel like a prison - they felt like home.
âIâm sorry,â he whispered, over and over again, his lips brushing your temple. âIâm so, so sorry. I never wanted you to find out like this, and I never wanted to hurt you. But I was wrong. I was so wrong.â
You shook your head against him, trying to make sense of the chaos in your chest. âI wanted so desperately for you to care for me, Hongjoong,â you confessed angrily, lamenting for all the times you spent yearning. âI wanted it so badly that I never blamed you for how you treated me, no matter how bad, I never blamed you.â
He clutched you tighter as if the very fabric of his soul depended on your forgiveness, his breath shaky, his words barely held together. âBlame me, Y/N. My soul canât be saved if I sell you my sins and the scars in your heart are mine to atone, but donât think for a second that I never loved you,â his voice cracked. âThat I donât love you now.â
Rage sets in as his words wrapped around your heart like a chain, heavy with the weight of long-buried truths. âYouâre cruel, you know that?â You thumped your fists on his chest repeatedly. âAfter all the things you made me go through? You tell me this now?â
You could feel his tears now, each one a testament to the pain he had buried beneath the armor he wore for too long. âYou think Iâm cruel, but Iâve been your husband longer than youâve known. And Iâve loved you every single day of it,â he whispered, his hands trembling.
Your breath caught as his words sank in, deeper than any wound heâd ever left behind. Husband. You wanted to scream, to cry, to pull away, to collapse into him all at once. How could he say it like that? So stripped of pride and power, like a man offering up the last piece of himself and hoping it would be enough? It was too much. It was everything.
He pressed his forehead to yours, lips barely apart from yours. âIf you want the truth, I'll give you that. If you want to leave, I will never stop you."
But somehow, all you could do was hold him tighter. âI donât want freedom from you, Hongjoong,â you whispered, breaking apart in his arms. âI just want the truth.â
Hongjoong didnât speak at first. You felt his body tremble as he held you, as though the truth itself was too heavy to carry alone anymore. âIâm not the right person to tell you this, it would be Yunho, but to put it simply for now, your parents both served my father, and in turn, me after he passed away.â
You pulled back slightly, your breath catching in your throat. âM-My parents were in the mafia?â You asked, heart pounding with the realization already forming. Somehow, it made sense - they were absent throughout your teenage years and they did keep their career a secret.
âThey were. Yunho took over your father after, but we didnât get along much, but thatâs another story,â Hongjoong said softly. âThey were good people. One day I got myself into something I wasnât supposed to. I wouldâve been dead if it werenât for them and my sons would be fatherless. I was young and stupid and they saved me. I owe them my life, I still do.â
He paused, voice tightening with grief. âI didnât have much power back then, so I did the best thing I could. Assets, lots of them. I gave your parents millions, Y/N, but before I could fully ever thank them, before I could protect themâŚâ Hongjoong looked away, sighing heavily.
âThey died before they could use the money. My uncle wanted their money, didnât he? Did he kill them?â You blurted out. His silence confirmed it and you shuddered, anguish and clarity warred within you as the weight of your stolen past pressed down on your chest.Â
âAt first I didnât have proof it was him,â you felt Hongjoongâs hands holding you steady, his warmth anchoring you to something real. âI was investigating their deaths for years. It was my way of getting back for them for saving me. It wasnât until your car accident with Yeosang a couple of years back.â
You swallowed. This was it, this was the part you werenât sure you were ready to hear. His face turned dark before he continued. âYeosang was suspicious of the accident. We both thought the hit was for him at first since heâs my son. When I investigated, it was how I found out who you were. It felt like the universe just punched me in the gut.â
âW-What does this have to do with marrying me?â
âEverything,â his expression twisted, like it physically hurt him to relive it. âWhen your parents died, all that money went to you automatically. Do you remember that day when I asked you why your uncle took you in when Yunho was losing his mind looking for you all this time?â
You nodded, your stomach sinking. âHe took you in to drain every cent out of you. He was bleeding you dry,â his jaw ticked in concealed anger. âHe got impatient, that car accident back then would speed up the process.â
You shook your head, denial flaring. Your lungs were too tight, your heart racing painfully in your chest as you tried not to throw up. âSo, what, you married me to stop him?â
âNot just that,â he said hoarsely, and then, softer. âI had to make it legally binding. As your husband, I could legally control your funds. It was the only way I knew how, so I married you in secret, in the hospital, while you were unconscious. And I held your hand while you signed.â
Your head snapped up at that. Your blood ran cold, because you remembered that day. The warmth of a hand in yours, grounding you while the world spun wildly. You thought it was just hospital consent forms. âThat was the marriage certificate?â you whispered, your voice breaking. âBut that was years before my uncle sold me to you, Hongjoong, that doesnât make any senseââ
âI had to let you go back to him after,â he explained, eyes shut tight with regret. âHe was desperate, and desperate men get dangerous. I needed time. I needed him to think he was still in control, still bleeding you dry while I worked behind the scenes.â
You stood there in stunned silence, your hands trembling with the weight of a truth you never asked for but now couldnât ignore. âI watched you for years,â he continued, voice hollow but steady. âAlways from a distance. I told myself it was enough.I kept telling myself I was doing it for your parents, that I owed them everything. Thatâs how it started. But thenâŚâ
His voice cracked, and for a moment he didnât go on. âThen I fell in love with you,â he whispered, trembling. âWithout even realizing it, I fell. Hard. And for that, Iâm sorry. I will regret taking that choice away from you for as long as I live. The plan was to annul the marriage when I was done compiling evidence against him, and believe me, I tried to do it quickly. I didnât want you to stay with him for long.â
Your breath caught when he smiled faintly, and it was the saddest, most beautiful thing youâd ever seen. âYou were always strong, and I hated that I couldnât tell you how proud I was. Iâm sorry I got selfish because the thought of annulling the marriage just hurt me on the inside.â
You looked down, heart racing, remembering the moments. All that time you resented him for being locked in his office instead of being with you, he was working to finally set you free. âThen why keep it a secret?â You asked, voice fragile. âWhy didnât you just tell me?â
âI was scared,â he admitted. âScared youâd hate me. Scared that if you knew the truth, youâd want nothing to do with me. I didnât want to rip open old wounds by making you relive the past. So I just⌠watched and made sure you were doing well.â
âBut everything changed. One time I sent Jongho,â Hongjoong went on, voice turning sharp with memory. âWe didnât know he was violent with you. He caught him hurting you. That fucking bastard,â his cracked slightly. âNot only was he stealing from you, he was beating you up the entire time, I-I wanted to die when I found outââ
A lone tear escaped his eyes when you shushed him, putting your finger on his lips gently. He cracked a bitter smile, kissing your finger before continuing. âSo I bankrupted his business. I had Seonghwa pose as his client, made him plant the seed that Kim Hongjoong was giving money for something in exchange. It worked, thatâs how I got you into my house.â
You froze up, suddenly breathless. Your whole life - every twist and turn, every unexplained pain, every confusing encounter - was beginning to piece together like a puzzle you never knew existed. âYou were never a liability used to pay a debt,â he growled. âOnce you were under my roof, I knew you were safe. I could fully start making my move on your uncle. I sent Wooyoung to Suwon to startââ
âSuwon?â You blinked in surprise, remembering the very first time you met Wooyoung. âHe went thereâŚbecause of me? Because you told him to?â
He nodded. âThe man your uncle hired who hit your parents were both hiding in Suwon. Mingi wanted to do it since he was the one who found them for me, but WooyoungâŚletâs say that son of mine is a little trigger-happy. Trust me, he was more than glad to do it.â
You felt your chest caving in. All this time, everyone - San, Seonghwa, Jongho, Wooyoung, and even Mingi - had been watching, protecting, quietly fighting battles for you that you didnât even know existed.
Tears spilled down your cheeks as you stared at the man who had haunted your days and nights with confusion, rage, longing - only to discover that, all along, he had loved you in silence.
âWhat now?â You sniffled. âWhat are we going to do?â
âI was going to kill him and then come clean to you,â he admitted ruefully. âBut death is a salvation that he doesnât deserve. I have all the evidence I need to send him to jail, because thereâs one more thing your uncle cost me, â he said, voice low and rough. âYeosang.â
You felt your chest twist. âI had to send my own son away,â he spat the words like poison. âBecause if your uncle ever saw him around, he wouldâve figured it out that Yeosang was the one who called me, panicked, sobbing, begging me to save you.â
You knew that Hongjoong called Yeosang in a panic when you were poisoned to wherever he was hiding from to come and treat you. He risked all of it to save you. âYour uncle didnât just steal from you,â he growled. âHe didnât just beat you, he stole from me too. He robbed me of time with you, your parents, and my son.â
He dropped to his knees again. âI did terrible things to keep you safe,â he said quietly. âAnd I canât undo them. But if thereâs anything left in your heart for me, even just a piece, I swear to you, I will make it right.â
Hongjoong was a man weighed down by guilt, someone laying every wound bare before you. You looked at him, this broken, bleeding man who had shielded you in ways you never even saw. And now, maybe, just maybe, it was time to stop surviving and start living. You gripped his hands tightly now, because for the first time, you understood.
âI hated you,â you whispered. His jaw clenched, and he closed his eyes like your words were blades, but he took it like he promised he would. âBut I think I hated myself more for still loving you anyway.â
His eyes snapped open, wide and raw and shimmering with a hope he tried to suppress. âY-You still do?â His broken voice stuttered.
âI donât know how not to,â you said, your lips trembling. âI didnât realize how much I fell for you until you started pulling back. Even when you pushed me so far away I thought Iâd disappear, I kept looking for you.â
His breath hitched, and then he was kissing you, not out of possession or dominance, not like a man taking what he believed was his, but like someone starved for something heâd already mourned the loss of. His lips trembled against yours, and you tasted your shared sorrow, your silent tears, your aching, stupid, impossible love.
Hongjoong exhaled shakily, as if the weight of everything unsaid was finally buckling his knees. Now that you were in front of him, there was no more holding back. âI never meant to ignore you,â he said, voice rough and uneven. âThese past few months, I-I know Iâve made you feel unwanted, like you were nothing but a pawn to me, but you never were.â
His eyes flicked to yours. âWe were so close to getting your uncle. I could taste it, that justice. And I lost myself. I thought, just a little more time and I could finally give you peace.â
You opened your mouth to speak, to tell him it wasnât his fault, but he shook his head. âNo,â he whispered with a bitter smile. âIt is my fault. I couldnât help it. I wasnât supposed to love you, I was supposed to distance myself because your uncleâs mole was watching us. But how could I not?â
âHongjoong,â you tried to coax him out of these thoughts, but to no avail. Your vision blurred as his words sank in.
âHow could I not hold back when you looked at the world with eyes that still trusted even after everything?â Hongjoong continued. âEvery time you touched me, I felt like I was being forgiven for sins I hadnât even confessed yet. Every night you were in my house, pretending not to care that I was cruel, pretending it didnât hurt, I wanted to fall to my knees and curse every God out there for doing this to me, to us.â
He took your hands, his thumbs brushing your knuckles, and he held you like you were something fragile. âI even got you poisoned,â he said, pressing your hands to his chest, where his heart thundered violently. âBecause I let my guard down. Iâve lived every day terrified that loving you would be the death of you, but it turns out, not loving you openly was killing me.â
Tears welled in your eyes again, thick and hot. When he finally pulled back, it was only just enough to whisper. âI married you once to protect you and Iâd marry you again just to love you. Marry me, Y/N, please.â
You looked at him, the man who had fought in silence for you, bled in shadows for you, and lost you just to keep you alive. And for the first time, you saw him as the only person who had ever loved you enough to break his own heart to save yours. âYou already have me,â you said softly, hands rising to cup his cheeks.Â
His exhale of relief and wonder, grief and gratitude all at once. No more pretending, no more secrets. Just the two of you, finally choosing each other in the light. You were already his long before you knew it and heâs always been yours.
âLet me get this straight,â Yunho uncrossed his long legs, his upper body leaning forward ever so slightly as his sharp, glaring eyes trained on Hongjoongâs flat, expressionless ones. âYouâre telling me that youâve been married to her this entire time? That you made her suffer in your slimy presence for the grand scheme of catching Jaehwan when you couldâve just left her with me?â
He removed his glasses to put it on top of the coffee table in front of him, its reflective surface and visual lightness made it a striking centerpiece while keeping the room feeling uncluttered and elegant, very befitting of someone like Yunho who exuded an exorbitant amount of grace. The way he scoffed after was anything of, however. Â
âYou fucking bastard,â he seethed, banging his fist on said table with a sarcastic laugh that left his lips in a disbelieving pace of staccato. âI ought to kill you on the spot, Kim Hongjoong. I cannot believe you thought that this was normal, youâre not right in the head, Iâm tellingââ
âNow, now Yunho,â Hongjoong - or should you say, your husband - smirked smugly, snaking his arm around your waist to pull you closer. âIn front of Y/N, really?â
âYou wonât get away with this, also you mean my nieceââ
âDonât you mean my wife?â Hongjoong grinned, all of his teeth bared out in a daring show of possessiveness that was not to be messed with, clearly not even Yunho. âAnd I already have,â he turned to look at you, his eyes softening significantly as he smiled. âIsnât that right, darling?â
Yunho balked at the blatant display of Hongjoongâs disrespect towards him. He looked at you expectantly, but all you could do was give him a sheepish smile as you toyed with the ring on your finger.
âSorry, Uncle,â you giggled. âYou heard my husband.â
Hongjoong whispered âthatâs my girlâ softly on your ear as Yunho let out the most undignified squawk youâve ever heard a grown man do.
Yunho covered his face with his hands and groaned. âYou love him,â he deadpanned. âAnd you, you manipulative, delusional, leather-wearing tax fraudââ
âTax fraud?â Hongjoong raised a brow, a slow grin spreading across his face like ink in water. âReally, Yunho? Thatâs the best youâve got?â
â---you love her. Oh, Sungho is probably rolling in his grave right now,â he groaned, and you laughed at how he whispered his grievances in your dad's name.
He sat up, reclining back with one arm thrown over the couch. âWell, if you ever come to your senses, I know a great divorce lawyer,â he said dryly. âMy door is always open for you, little love.â
You bit back the urge to laugh when Hongjoong rolled his eyes dramatically. âIâll keep it in mind, Uncle,â you grinned. âBut you should know by now that I have a type.â
Hongjoong only smirked from his seat, one arm slung lazily over the backrest behind you like this was his damn throne. âYouâre just bitter I won,â he snorted at Yunho.
âOh, Iâll be bitter until my dying breath,â Yunho snapped. âYou married her and didn't even invite me to the wedding. I was supposed to walk her down the aisle.â
âThen dieââ
âFuck you,â he retorted. Yunho waved his hand, the humor in his eyes dimming slightly as his tone shifted, more measured now. âAlright, jokes aside. What happened to the motherfucker that is Jaehwan?â
Hongjoongâs arm around you tightened as his entire posture changed. âWe got him. Heâs in jail.â
The words dropped like a stone in the room. You looked down, purposefully grabbing the mug to take a sip, your mind flashing with the bright lights of one shot that gradually turned into two, three, four shots. Yunhoâs brows furrowed. âYouâre serious?â
âDeadly,â Hongjoong tried not to smirk, side-eyeing you with intent. âNothing crazy, really. He doesnât deserve anything theatrical for everything that heâs done. I had my men watch him for a couple of days, ambushed him when he least expected it, and thatâs that. You recall that car accident from a couple of years ago, yes?â
You closed your eyes, the faux splatters of sticky red coating your face feeling realistic enough if you concentrated. Lifeless, hollow eyes stared back behind your eyes before you opened them again. Hongjoongâs fingers massaged yours with purpose back then, too. You kept your mouth from curling too far at the corners.
âHow could I not? You took her that night,â Yunho scoffed, sitting forward again, steepling his fingers under his chin. âI was this close to finding Y/N at that time. I dislike talking about this, but it was hard. Years of failure meant I failed her father.â
Hongjoong hummed, ignoring Yunhoâs pointed look. âMy son was also there, you remember my middle son? Heâs a neurosurgeon now,â he replied softly, his fingers playing with yours. âYou could say I had a different drive back then. I had my reasons.â
Yunhoâs brows shot up in mild surprise before they softened ever so slightly. âI didnât know, Iâm terribly sorry that your son got caught up in this fiasco,â he murmured, his soft eyes landing on you. âI suppose everything that happened was like a trigger set in motion, wouldnât you say, Y/N?â
You shrugged as you gave Hongjoong a look. You let your lashes lower slightly and adjusted your posture, just like you did when after the kickback from the trigger that had made your shoulders ache. âPerhaps.â
âAnyway, itâs over,â Hongjoong said with a clipped edge. âThereâs enough evidence now to tie him to the attempted murder, fraud, and embezzlement. Stalking as well. The bastard didn't even stop at the mole in my house, he always sent his sleazy men around the area in case she went out. Heâs done, I'll make sure of it.â
âGood riddance,â Yunho said with an unsurprising amount of venom. His shoulders sank, years and years of burden lifting off of his shoulders. Relief settles in his expression, and though it made him look a decade younger, the faraway look of a thousand suns in his eyes told you otherwise. âI knew your father would be proud of you," he sighed. "That bastard took everything from our family. But youâŚyou gave it back.â
The man who haunted your childhood, the one who used your grief as a tool to strip you of everything, was finally out of your life. You squeezed Yunhoâs hand, hoping that it said everything you couldnât say out loud. You stayed quiet for a moment, trying to absorb the weight of what Yunho was saying.Â
There was no reminiscing on your end, no smirk, no memories; just the hurt between two people who have lost their loved ones. He held your hand, holding it tight. âAnd your mom,â he added softly. She wouldâve held you so tight. You look like Sohee, you know? Same fire, same goddamn backbone. Perfect for your father.â
âI hope theyâre at peace now,â you said quietly.
âThey are,â Yunho replied with a surety that only blood could lend. âBecause youâre finally safe. And I can finally breathe again.â
You took in his words, the finality of them. The war was over now, justice had been served. And it sounded like a dull thud of a body hitting the floor, the heaviness of it almost satisfying in your ears. The conversation shifted into something lighthearted, with you and Yunho reminiscing about how he babysat you when you were younger, how your own father was when they were both teenagers, to all the mundane things like how your father would have reacted to your marriage with Hongjoong.
And Hongjoong was just there, laughing and smiling along like heâs always meant to be there with you. He would quip once or twice with his own accounts about your parents and you fell a little harder for the man, for the way he spoke about your parents with unparalleled fondness was something to behold. He truly adored them, and it just made you miss them even more.
âWe should go,â you said gently, standing up, smoothing your dress daintily with a small smile. âI want to visit my parents today. Itâs a good day and I havenât been to ever since I was in college.â
Yunho, ever the gentleman that he was, walked both you and Hongjoong all the way to the door to see you out instead of sending his right-hand man like a man of his status should. The shift in his demeanor was immediate, but you tried your best to not pay attention to it as he hugged you goodbye.
âSheâll be back, Yunho,â Hongjoong rolled his eyes, noticing the small tension, subtly pulling you away back to his side with a curt chuckle. âStop smothering her.â
Yunho didnât answer with words. He just stared long, quiet, and with enough weight behind his gaze to make most men sweat as both you and Hongjoong speed walked all the way to the car to try and get away, but of course, there was no escaping. You were a Jeong, after all, and so was he. âStop,â he spoke out, firm and absolute.
You halted from walking, giving Hongjoong a knowing look, who only squeezed your hand supportively. âHmm?â
âI know what you did,â Yunho said, his voice just a touch lower than before. He swept his gaze on you from head to toe, stopping lightly at your shoulders. "Your sore shoulders tells me everything."
Your spine straightened, barely enough to notice, unless someone was trained to notice. You turned your head over your shoulder, lips curled into an innocent, almost amused smile. âOh?â
He smirked, his body stilling like a predator catching scent. You faltered, suddenly reminded that Yunho wasnât just your uncle - he was mafia, just like Hongjoong. Worse, perhaps, more patient and more precise. Hongjoong took pride in the brutality of it all while he was the kind of man who could make a death look like a ghost story.
For a moment, he looked overtly threatening, his intelligence sharper, and his confrontation carrying a much colder, calculated menace. He tilted his head mockingly, willingly playing your game. âMustâve felt good,â he chuckled. âI bet you looked him in the eye.â
You had to laugh out loud at that one, not confirming nor denying what he was insinuating. âMaybe I just found peace,â you said innocently.
âI see. Say, what jail is he in? Might have to pay him a visit,â Yunho smiled, truly smiled, wide and cold, but still, it was impossible to miss the adoration and pride in it. âLet me guess - itâs two feet wide and six foot deep.â
Hongjoong, whoâd been watching you both with amusement simmering just beneath the surface, finally spoke. âWhat vivid imagination you have,â he mused, smirking with dark intent, his eyes shining sadistically as he looked at you with faux curiosity. âDonât you think, darling?â
Yunho nodded slowly, pursing his lips in a poor attempt to stop himself from smiling. âNot vivid enough,â he shrugged playfully. âHumour me this, if someone were to, say, shoot someoneâŚwould it be better to aim for a quick kill or prolong the agony? Hypothetically.â
You tapped your chin thoroughly, pretending to think. â Iâd prolong the agony. Shoot them four times on pressure points. Hypothetically, of course.â
âNext one,â Yunho said, clearly enjoying himself. âYouâre standing over the body, hypothetically, and heâs looking at you, what would you say?â
âHypothetically? You pondered, tilting your head as if you were really thinking about what to say. âI would have said âyou should have killed me when you had the chance.ââ
Hongjoong exhaled, something like reverence in his breath. âGod, I love you.â
âJust one more,â Yunho said softly, his voice losing its teasing edge, now carrying the quiet weight of someone whoâd once held you as a child, who had once promised your father to protect you. âWas it clean?â
You met his gaze evenly, nodding very subtly with a serene smile, one that he returned with all the love and unwavering support only someone who truly cared for you would do. Yunho stared at you for a long moment, his eyes melting into something rawer, wearier. âIf anyone asks,â he said lowly, the gravity in his tone undeniable now. âYou were with me that night. Both of you were the entire time.â
His gaze cut to Hongjoong, who for once, looked struck silent. The air between them simmered with unspoken understanding. He nodded deeply with reverence. It wasnât flashy, but it was sincere and genuine enough that Yunho didnât mock him for it. âThank you.â
Yunho just waved a hand, though his voice cracked slightly when he said, âDonât thank me, you bastard. Just keep her safe or I swear, Iâll drag your sorry ass down and make you wish youâd stayed single.â
Hongjoong chuckled low in his throat. His hand settled gently on the small of your back as he led you forward. âDonât worry, she married a man who never stopped watching her back.â
âGod help us all,â Yunho rolled his eyes in mock disgrace, staring at the two of you as you both got in the car before he called for the last time. âTell your parents I said hi.â
You looked back to see him watching you as Hongjoong started to drive away, arms crossed, but eyes glassy. And though he didnât say it, you understood. You were safe, you were home, and heâd go to hell and back before anyone took that from you again.
The car ride was quiet at first, not from discomfort, but from something softer. Reverent. Hongjoong kept one hand on the wheel while the other was placed on your lap. It reminded you of that one stormy night when he sought out to find you in that lone playground. He turned to look at you, knowing that he was thinking the same as you were.Â
âI love you,â he said, pulling your hand up to kiss your knuckles. His eyes searched your face like he was memorizing it all over again, as though he still couldnât believe you were here. âI shouldâve said it a long time ago, I feel for you so much that it almost hurts.â
You blinked back the sudden tears, the sincerity in his voice cracking something wide open inside you. You laughed wetly. âThatâs very sweet of you, I believe you, but why now?â
âI wanted to wait until everything was said and done,â he continued, pressing another kiss to your fingers. âI want to give you everything. A house to grow old with, a bed where you always feel safe, dinners where I burn the rice and you make fun of me for it. I want lazy Sundays and soft arguments and kisses, just like weâve always done it.â
You looked at him, heart aching with how badly you wanted to believe in all of it and how, against all odds, you did. âYouâre serious?â You asked softly, squeezing his hand back.
He placed a hand over his heart in a rare show of insecurity. âI would place a piece of my soul in every time and place youâd ever felt lonely, just so you wouldnât be alone. I love you enough for the both of us, and there must be something about me worth loving if you would just seeââ
You leaned in and kissed him the moment he parked, slow and sweet and full of the kind of hope neither of you had dared to hold onto before. When you pulled away, his forehead rested against yours. âI want that too,â you whispered. âI want everything with you, Hongjoong.â
He exhaled like heâd been holding that breath for years. âThen we start today,â he smiled as bright as the brightest star. âWe say hello to your parents. We tell them youâre safe, then we build a life thatâs entirely ours, okay?â
You nodded, your smile trembling. You finally look up at the sky after all these years, tearing up as the clouds seem to part way for the sun to finally shine, the rays beaming down at your parentsâ tombstones. Finally, justice has been served, they can rest in peace now. You couldnât help but stare if only for a little while.
Hongjoong approached the stones first, his head bowing low between them. He placed one hand gently on your motherâs grave, the other on your fatherâs. He didnât speak loudly, but you saw his lips move, whispering something too quiet for even you to hear. It couldâve been anything - a greeting, a promise, or perhaps maybe even a thank you.
You didnât ask what he said. You didnât need to. For the first time, the cemetery didnât feel like an end. It felt like a door closing softly behind you because the weight of grief was gone now. They could rest and so could you. You stood by Hongjoongâs side smiling at him as he gave you a small kiss on the forehead, coaxing you to talk to your own parents just like he did.
You brought your hands to your lips, kissed your palms, and pressed them reverently to each stone. âRest easy now, Mom, Dad,â you whispered full of love and release, voice catching as you tried not to tear up. âIâm safe now, and Iâm very happy. Happier than Iâd ever been.â
You turned to look at the man standing just a few steps behind you - your husband, your protector, your love - watching you with a smile so soft, it nearly broke you open again. âIâm married now. Itâs Hongjoong, remember him? Please bless our marriage, I really love him,â you paused, taking a deep breath. âI-I wish you were both here, I miss youâŚâ
Then, slowly, you stepped back and began to walk away, hand in hand with Hongjoong. But before, you glanced back one last time, your heart feeling lighter at the sight of the wind blowing from the tombstones to your face lightly. You couldnât help the serene smile on your face.
Hongjoong will take over now, heâll take care of me like you wouldâve wanted.
You were thirty-four years old when you finally found your peace that didnât feel like a surrender this time and instead felt like home, hand in hand with the love of your life.
đ˝đđs - @keopihaus @dove-net @othersideoutlawsnetwork @illusionnet @pirateeznet @ksmutsociety @cromernet
Dividers by: @enchanthings and @anitalenia
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GENUINELY MIGHT BE THE MOST HEARTBREAKING THING IVE EVER READ LIKE MY HEART PHYSICALLY HURT
Vendetta
âş đżđđđđđđ - dilf!Hongjoong x fem!reader â âş đśđđđđ/đ°đ - mafia au, arranged marriage trope, secret/hidden marriage, slow burn, heavy angst, emotionally heavy, revenge, emotional rollercoaster, power imbalance, age gap (reader is in her early 30s and Joong is in his mid-40s), reader! is resigned to her fate but not for long, enemies-to-lovers, plot twistâ âş đđđđđđ/đđđđđđđ - PG-18+ so MDNI!!! depression as in reader! has almost given up on life, implied familial abuse (not described, but be warned!), implied violence, minor car accident, minor descriptions of near death experience, generalized dark themes, eventual smut (short though) lots of kissing, couch riding, creampie, emotional and possessive sex, no protection (do not do this!) â âş đđđđ đ˛đđđđ - 33.5K words (hear me out---) â âş đđ˘đđđđđđ - After your uncle sold you to the mafia to settle a debt, you were forced into an arranged marriage with the controlling Kim Hongjoong and you expected nothing more than a life of silence and control. He was much older than you, much more calculated and cold, and you had no doubt that he was devoid of light. He'd be displeased to know that you have a backbone, however, but what happens when his dark secrets that could potentially ruin your life slowly unravel when the wolves come out to play? You realize that the secrets he held dear where deeper than you thought, and there was no way out. â âş đ˝đđđđ - I am sorry that it took this long. I was sick for weeks and had no energy to write. I am also sorry it's this long, but I don't regret it. This was a request from the lovely @midnightreader-06 (she's an adult.) I hope it was worth the wait. â âş đđđđđđđ - @0rangemilk @ginger-mingi @ruubyrubes @oddracha @jaytheatiny @roxannecos @juicy-red @cheolliehugs @sunnysidesins @jjongbearshoney @midnightrebel1028 @mallielovssyou @jenluvzen â
You were ten years old when you held both of your parents hand as the three of you walked side by side in an open field where the vastness of the green Earth was there for the taking as far as the eye could see.Â
As your dearest father, whose eyes shone with adoration and his lips split with the fondest of grins, carried you in his arms to point at the bright, blue sky, your innocence and naivety paved way for the natural curiosity that lay hidden in your young mind.
âYou, my darling,â your mother lovingly booped your button nose. âYou are the prettiest, far more special than anything in this world, and I love you.â
The world felt impossibly vast, and yet in that moment, wrapped in the safety of your parentsâ love, it felt perfectly sized to hold just the three of you. Truly, you were loved by your parents. It was the kind of love that would transcend even through the afterlife. Until they didnât.
You were sixteen years old when you stood under the pouring rain that blessed your parentsâ grave, your head down low as your expressionless face stared at the freshly dug soil under your feet. There was blackness all around you - black for the weeping sky, black for the clothes you wore around your frail, shivering body that symbolized your mourning and loss.
Black for the two coffins you had watched sink into the ground, swallowed by the earth as if it could somehow keep your parents safe when you no longer could, black for the words no one could say, black for the warning signals in your head as you were led away from the cemetery.
Everything was black. You were far too young for such a travesty, but since when has this life been fair to anybody? Your parentsâ death has definitely taught you better.
The hours stopped flowing, the sands of time floating inside the hourglass in a perpetual cycle of your memories where the images of your parents were slowly disappearing, refusing to flow - refusing to let you move on.
You are the prettiest, far more special than anything in this world, and I love you.
âYou call that clean? I could lick the damn thing and get road dust in my teeth!â
Your uncle, your motherâs older brother, barked from the doorway, snapping you out of your memories. His loud, displeasing voice echoed down the garage hallway far before you even laid your eyes on him.
You closed your eyes, taking the deepest breath you could possibly take from the deepest chambers of your lungs. Not that there was anything left, you were a walking entity of nothingness at this point, but you had to remain calm like you had learned to be - like you had to be.
Your uncle stepped into the garage, shoes clicking against the polished tile floor most mechanics would kill for. âThatâs your problem. Always doing the bare minimum. Youâre useless just like your mother.â
There it was. He didnât have to mention her often like the mere thought of her slowly decayed his tongue inside his sinful mouth. He didnât outwardly curse her name, it was just enough to let you know he still thought of you like you were a charity case; a stain on the marble floors of his pristine world.
You tried not to gasp out loud when he titled your chin up roughly. His calloused fingers burned every single hair strand on your face, his eyes could have disintegrated you on the spot with all the unspoken hate you knew he had for you but refused to speak out, but you had to remain calm.
He harrumphed, turning around and beginning to walk off to where he came from, but not before spitting up an unholy amount of saliva on the floor with an obscene smirk on his clean shaven face. âClean it up,â was all he said.
Through gritted teeth, you had begun wiping the floor, and as the water began to wash away all the grime your pig of an uncle had left, you hadnât realized that your tears had begun to mix itself in the water like it would rinse away all your troubles.
It was like you were sixteen again. You still remember the day like it was yesterday when he led you to his car away from the cemetery, all without a single word of comfort or condolences at the dearly departed. Never mind your father, but your mother was his younger sister. You were not surprised at the sight of his massive mansion - your family did come from old money - but the moment you stepped through it, you saw the facade quickly. You werenât there as family, but as a liability. All of this was just for show, not for your comfort.
He walked ahead of you, not bothering to see if you were following him. There was no warmth in his voice, just clipped efficiency, like he was giving instructions to a driver. There was no welcome. No open arms. No kind words. Your room was barely one. A cot, no sheets. A single window so cloudy with grime it looked like frosted glass. Little did you know, it would be your room for no less than a decade - a decade long of hell reincarnate on an already scorching Earth.
Sometimes he didnât call for food, most of the time he called to yell. Once, for leaving a cup turned the wrong way in the sink, he threw it at the wall and told you your parents wouldâve done the same if theyâd had the guts.
It didnât stop the bruises, but your perseverance helped you survive the nights. No one came looking for you. No one asked how you were.
You were nineteen years old when you started finally accepting that this was your world. You were reduced to moping spit off of the floor, and after another four years of slaving away and just taking all the burnt end of your uncleâs anger, he decided to finally send you into college. You wanted to scoff, but you will take anything that you could get - anything to get even a sliver of your identity back. He wasnât doing this for you, you knew heâd use you for free labour after.
âYou owe me,â he said, sliding the acceptance letter toward me. âYou remember that. Everything you have is because I kept you fed.â
Fed. You saw red. He never mentioned youâd earned every damn underfed crumb like an inbred. But you nodded, anyway, because even a dog learns how to slip the chain if itâs given enough time to watch the master.
And you waited, day by day, for someone to remember you existed, but the ones you longed for were the ones you knew were in heaven by now. And you hoped they werenât looking down on you.
All you could feel was pain. It hurt to try to move your limbs, it was more reminiscent of bones grinding against each other sharply against sandpaper, it hurt to take the smallest gulp of breath, hell, it hurt to even blink.
The last thing you remembered was coming home from your graduation party with a couple of your friends from the restaurant, but the panicked yet controlled voices of the doctors and nurses surrounding you had you concurring that you were in the hospital.
You want to move, but your limbs wonât listen. You want to ask for your parents, but their names get caught in your throat. That sent a magnanimous amount of pain far worse than you were feeling right now down in the middle of your chest where your heart laid. They were gone, and you were soon to follow.
The first tear that fell from your eyes felt like glass shards. You didnât know how to tell your parents that you had failed them. You were only twenty-eight, and your short life was slowly slipping away from you. You could feel it.
I donât want to die. Iâm much too young to fall.
But hope was bleak. You didnât doubt that your uncle was already aware of the car accident you were involved in, and you didnât doubt that he was happy about it. It would be good riddance for him, there was no way he would pay for your surgeries. You were alone, utterly alone. The thought of dying alone hurt more than youâd like it to be.
Until a warm hand wrapped itself around yours. It was big, rough, and warm. You were too weak to open your eyes, but you mentally thanked the kind nurse who comforted you in your time of need. Or more likely, it was one of your college friends, namely, your close friend Yeosang. He was much younger than you, only being a freshman while you were eight years his senior.
You volunteered as a substitute teacher in your spare time for high school students as a part of your program, and Yeosang offered to be your intern. You were the one to write him his recommendation letter to get into your college last year. You quickly became fond of the kid with the siren eyes who squeezed his way into your heart, who still admired you as his mentor and still stuck by you even after his high school.Â
He was the only regret in your short life. There were times you dismissed him since you were far from his age and you wanted him to spend time with other people. You wish you had more opportunities to tell him that you cherished the little moments of peace he gave you, and to thank him for letting you know what it was like to care for someone when nobody cared about you.Â
Time passed. It couldâve been minutes, it couldâve been hours, but the hand remained, covering yours in a soothing cocoon, a salve to your aching and hurting heart.Â
It was just a hand, but it provided you the strength you needed. You might hate your uncle, but if it wasnât for him sending you to college, this hand wouldnât be here, helping you sign your own paperwork since you had no family. It must have been a pitiful sight - your soul was nearly gone yet you had to sign your own hospital papers.
Sometimes it would squeeze gently like it needed to be sure you were still holding on as you slipped in and out of consciousness, and you started clinging to it like it was the only real thing in the world.
Because, maybe it was. No one else came - not your uncle, and not the world you thought would notice if you ceased to exist prematurely before you even turned your life around, but the hand stayed.
Against your will, you stood before your own reflection. You always thought you had the prettiest of hazel-hued eyes - you had gotten them from your father, after all - but the hollowness of them scared even yourself.
âY/N! Come downstairs, or Iâm leaving you to walk yourself all the way to the Kim estate!â
You flinched, your fingers pausing from examining the thick concealer you splattered all over your neck to cover your uncleâs purple fingertips. You were still unsure if surviving was a blessing or a curse.
After getting back from the hospital, he had appointed you to fix his business paperworks - all without pay, of course - and he kept you locked away from the world.Â
Except when it was time to remind you of your place, to remind you of his power. You were thirty-two when he finally decided to get rid of you and sell you off as collateral for his failing business to a man far older than you, because if he didnât, the business wonât be the only thing your uncle would be losing.
âHeâs your last chance,â he reiterated, voice low and full of threat. âYou marry him, or youâre done here. Iâll have you on a flight by morning stripped of every cent, every roof, every name. I made a deal, and youâre the damn collateral. Donât make me waste you.â
It wasnât the first time heâd threatened to erase you from your own life. But this time, it felt final. âYour face is your saving grace,â he continued arrogantly. âLuckily for you, you inherited your whore of a motherâs pretty face. With luck, that bastard Kim Hongjoong might take a liking to you.â
You tuned out the way he cursed out the said manâs name with words you couldnât even repeat, focusing on the way your fists clenched tight to control your breathing.
Kim Hongjoong, you thought. That was your future husbandâs name, the man who would either be your salvation or be the one to push you into a deeper hell. Youâve given up on the aspect of marrying for love, but still, giving it up like this feels like a punch to your gut.
But there was no way around it, not when your uncle sent you a seething glare that told you that you needed to play along as he forced your arm to link with his as you were both escorted inside the huge mansion that screamed of wealth and dirty money by the stiff-postured butler.
âI welcome you to the Kim estate, you may address me as San,â the cat-eyed butler bowed respectfully before you and your uncle, gesturing forward as he walked on. âI do apologize if Iâm the only one to extend the greetings for now, all of our staff is preparing for the bride-to-be.â
He sent you a polite smile, but all you felt was dread. âShall I make it up and invite you to the dining room? The Master awaits the both of you.â
Your uncleâs fake, booming laughter fills the grandiose dining room. Every inch of this manor screamed of wealth and power, the chandeliers above casting a soft glow down the glossy marble floors, the ornate walls lined with ancestral tapestry partnered with vintage vases.
But none of it reached you, none of it mattered because none of this was for you. As slimy as your uncle was, the fact that this man was even agreeing to the prospect of marrying to settle a debt perturbed you.
You couldnât help but let your fingers trail along the back of a carved dining chair as you entered the main dining room. Everything looked expensive, it reminded you of your mother who had the finer tastes in life when she was still among the living.
But it was when you looked up that your breath had truly gotten caught in your throat. Somebody was already looking at you, he was already staring at you. Even before you were introduced, you knew in your heart that this was the infamous Kim Hongjoong.
He was seated at the far end of the impossibly long dining table, his sharp eyes already watching your every move. The second your eyes met his, the air shifted, and you froze. All that existed was the intensity of his gaze. For a moment, everything disappeared. It was just you and him. You didnât know how to feel about it.Â
Your pulse thudded in your ears as you allowed yourself to stare back. You didnât even need more than a couple of seconds, it was very obvious from the first glance that this man was undeniably attractive. It was almost devastatingly so.
His face was chiseled to perfection, all without the soft curves of a boy, he held the sharp angles that only belonged to a man of his age. That particular age suited him and you could tell he was years above you, his meticulously styled hair already sporting a couple of whites and greys
But it wasnât his looks that immediately captivated you, it was his eyes. The way they stared at you heavily as though he was an all-seeing being that could read your every thought and predict your every move. He didnât smile, he didnât blink, he didnât look away - he just observed. Something in your chest twisted. Your instinct told you to look away, to hide, but you stayed uprooted from where you stood. His stare left you unable to do anything else.Â
But you had to eventually. Your uncle cut the obvious tension with a small, nervous laugh as he nudged you subtly. âMr. Kim, itâs an honour and pleasure to be in your presence in this fine evening,â he tried to suck up, though you can tell his bravado was nowhere to be seen in front of a person who was obviously greater than he was.
You forced yourself forward, one step towards the other, graciously sitting down on the chair that San the butler had so generously pulled out for you. As you tried to settle comfortably, you looked up again, only to realize that Hongjoong still hasnât looked away from you, only giving out a small grunt in response to your uncleâs poor attempt to start a conversation.
You would turn and stare at the way you knew your uncleâs face would turn red in embarrassment and anger at being snubbed, but Hongjoongâs eyes had once again held you captive.
Someone cleared their throat purposefully. Right. You didnât even realize that there were other people seated towards the end of the table. You couldnât even afford to be embarrassed for being the other end of the tension.
âYouâre staring,â the voice, surprisingly rough and deep, said. It was more of a whisper, but the silence was so loud in the room that anything could be heard.
Hongjoong didnât answer right away. He simply tilted his head, just slightly. Still watching you with those dark eyes. Then, calmly, still without glancing at anyone else, he replied, âAm I?â
It wasnât a question. It was a statement in disguise, a graceful way of telling the other person off. It made the hair rise on the back of your neck. You heard an exasperated sigh somewhere.
Even when dinner was served and the conversation around you flowed naturally amongst the other guests deemed important enough to be here, you couldnât help but feel uncomfortable. You barely heard their voices. You knew he was still watching you from time to time.
Your heart pounded in your chest, but you kept your posture stiff, trying to maintain some semblance of control. Your hands, however, clenched your utensils so tight, you wouldnât be surprised if they bent from the pressure. You couldnât stop the tremor that ran through you from all the weight of his eyes.
At first you thought it was fear, but no, this was something else entirely. It wasnât flattering, it wasnât lustful, it wasnât romantic - this was unnerving, darkness at its purest form.
âY/N, my dearest niece,â your uncleâs voice suddenly broke through your haze, effectively catching everyoneâs attention as well. âI trust that youâre enjoying dinner?â
You swallowed, already reading between the lines. He was basically asking you to look alive, a silent threat. You forced a small smile, nodding in effect. âYes,â you said softly. âItâs quite wonderful.â
An unreadable flicker crosses Hongjoongâs face as he leaned forward slightly, elbows resting on the table. Somehow, that made him look more intimidating than he already was. He tilted his head, his gaze sharpened, but his body stayed relaxed. It was the posture of someone who knew he was on top of the food chain.
âGreat,â your uncle cleared his throat. âI suppose itâs about time to get down to the nitty-gritty of this dinner. Letâs talk business, gentlemen.â
A saddened frown settles itself on your lips. Right, you had forgotten that this was just business for him at the end of the day. You had somehow forgotten that you were treated less than human, a little more akin to produce being sold off to a wanting consumer.
âThereâs no need to drag this out,â your uncle continued, failing to read the room. Even you knew that he was in no position to call the shots like he was doing currently. âSheâs all yours, for all intents and purposes.â
You looked down, shame and mortification filling your entire body, gripping your dress tightly in your fists. The implication of what that meant horrified you, given that you were the only woman in the room, surrounded by men who immediately understood the sexual insinuation of the statement.
Thick silence followed as everybody waited for Hongjoong to speak. His posture shifted ever so slightly from your peripheral vision as he started to open his mouth to reply. âIâm not here for that,â he said flatly.
The words were quiet, but they carried more force than your uncleâs screaming. The older man let out a nervous laughter, brushing it off. âOf course, still, itâs a part of the arrangement.â
Hongjoongâs expression didnât change. âI heard you the first time.â
Your knuckles turned white from how hard you were gripping. His voice struck something in you, sending a zing through your body from your toes all the way to your scalp. His gaze, his voice, his complete control over the room; it was all too much. You hated the way it made your stomach turn into itself.
But your uncleâs ego rendered him unable to stop because he always wanted to be the one in control. âShe turned out decent, though mostly useless. It could be changed,â he said, degrading your dignity further down to the ground. âSheâs an obedient little thing, knows how to close her trap when prompted.â
You froze, as did everybody. You didnât need to look around the table to know the weight of every eye. It was a different type of humiliation you had to endure, but you didnât say anything. Years of training had taught you to just take all of his words in without flinching.
For the first time that night, Hongjoong looked away from you. His stare shifted, slow and deliberate, settling on your uncle who chuckled nervously, but also unable to look away from Hongjoong like you did.
It was his turn to be stared at, you could already tell that your uncle was starting to crack under the pressure of that silent, unnerving stare.Â
Then as if to rub salt on his wounds, Hongjoong let a small smile curl at the corner of his mouth. It wasnât directed towards you, but it sent nasty goosebumps all over your skin. It was nothing short of sinister.
âHow compelling,â he drawled out, leaning forward to grab his wine glass, swirling its contents leisurely before he set his dark eyes back towards your uncle. âThough I donât recall ever asking.â
Your uncle stiffened, but Hongjoong continued, his voice controlled, and flat. âAnd if I ever find myself wondering, Iâll be sure to consult someone whoâs managed to keep his life longer than selling their nieces to the mafia to save their skin.â Your legs felt suddenly too weak, your numb fingers loosening their tight hold on your dress. The mafia. Your uncle was selling you out to the mafia. The word itself echoed through your mind, a jagged, inescapable truth. Fear, raw and electric, lit up inside you.
Though, an undeniable satisfaction flowed through you at the prospect of your smug uncle finally being put in his place. He opened his big mouth to try and retort back, but Hongjoong didnât give him the chance.
He sets his wine glass back down, lightly tapping on it with a butter knife. âMore,â was all he said. It was just one command, but if you were standing, it would have brought you down to your knees. It was the end of the conversation, all because he said so without actually saying it. There were no more words needed to be said, the message had been delivered. He turned his gaze somewhere else, not looking back at you. There was no need to.
This entire room knew who held the leash, and it was the man you were set to marry sooner than later. The room had been entirely claimed by him the moment he opened his mouth.
Dinner was an awkward affair. The conversation between everyone was never really the same afterwards, but you didnât care, you tuned them all out, even when you could finally breathe because Hongjoong never looked your way again, partaking in a conversation with the man nearest to him, the same man with the deep voice who called him out for staring at you.
It was every man for themselves at this very table, that much you could tell. Every clink of cutlery made you flinch, every swallow constricting your throat, every smoke coming out of your uncleâs ears petrifying you, his words still ringing in your head the entire time as you tried to eat.
Marry this man or face the consequences, but at what cost? You were damned if you did, and damned if you didnât. There would be no ending where you wouldnât end up bleeding. Hongjoong terrified you. It was the type of fear that settled itself deep in your bones. He hasnât even risen from his seat, yet heâs managed to get under your skin far more than your uncle has in more than a decade.
This was a man who ruled in power. There was something in the way he sat, all composed and relaxed. He had nothing to prove, let alone raise his voice. He simply held everyoneâs breath in his palms. One squeeze was all it took.
You didnât realize youâd been staring until Hongjoongâs sharp eyes met yours briefly once more. He looked at your uncle, back at you, then back at the man who was talking to him. You had made your decision then. Anything was better than being your uncleâs property.
By the end of the week, all of your belongings were packed in a small suitcase, ready to be transported to the Kim estate. Not that you needed to pack a lot, there was no single thing that you truly owned.
The manor was just as breathtaking as it was the last time you saw it, dare say, far more glamorous than you remembered it to be now that the invisible collar that your uncle wrapped around your neck like a noose was now gone. It was far much easier to gaze in awe at the splendor that it represented.
Though you reckon that if you closed your eyes, the walls would be crimson red with blood. Your fingers clutched the suitcase handle with a grip that bordered on desperation, as if letting go might unravel something fragile inside you. The threshold before you wasnât just the entrance to another home, it was a gate to uncertainty, and that terrified you more than anything.
The last time you crossed into the unfamiliar den of someone elseâs house, you were met with a home, but with silent trials and unspoken wounds. But it was too late to ponder whether you should just turn back, run away, and start anew somewhere else - the massive door at the entrance suddenly opened ajar to reveal the familiar face of the Kim family butler, San.
It struck you then, as he was walking towards your direction, that he wasnât wearing a uniform like the last time you saw him, in fact, he wasnât like anything you remembered at all even though this was only your second meeting. Gone was the uniform, the gloves, and his rigid posture. Instead, he wore a gray tailored suit and he walked like he belonged in it. He wasnât performing anymore. He grabbed your suitcase for you, but before he could take a step forward, he hesitantly turned towards you. âI just wanted to say that there are no shadows in this place,â he said softly, cryptically. âYou donât need to keep looking over your shoulders. He canât hurt you here.â
You tried to keep your face still, unreadable. You supposed that one eventful dinner was enough for everyone to see how much of a swine your uncle was. You didnât respond to his strange reassurance. Instead, you studied him again, this time more carefully, more warily. âYouâre not a butler, are you?â You said quietly.
His brows raised, but he didnât say anything; he just smiled at you before beckoning you inside the mansion that would be your new home. Everything looked the same, except that in the morning light, everything looked more marvelous than it did rather than when they were covered by the dark shadows of the night. No matter which direction your head turned, awe struck in every corner.
Then you passed the staircase. Something made you pause, there was a prickle at the back of your neck. Without meaning to, you looked up. It was the man at the dinner, the one that sat closest to Hongjoong at the far end of the table - the one who told the older man he was staring. He also donned a smart suit like San, leaning against the bannister while his sharp eyes watched you.Â
He was a lot taller than you thought now that he was standing and he was younger, too. It was a surprise given his apparent ease with Hongjoong when everyone else wanted to piss their pants with fear. He didnât glare at you, the only thing that signalled he wasnât particularly angry towards you, but his stare still made your skin tighten. He was, by all means, intimidating.
âDid you need anything, Mingi?â Sanâs mellow voice cut the unspoken tension in the air as he also looked up the staircase. He motions to you with his hands. âYouâve met Y/N during the dinner.â
The man, Mingi, didnât reply. His presence pressed down like a weight, not loud, but undeniable, as he turned around, but not before swivelling his head back, his side profile sharp and intense. âI know,â his deep voice spoke before he completely walked away out of your sight.
Your voice barely rose above a whisper as you turned to San. âDoes he not like me?â
âItâs complicated,â he said simply, continuing the walk towards where was taking you.
Complicated. Somehow, that made you feel like you were trespassing in a life you hadnât earned. Maybe he didnât like you, maybe it wasnât personal, but you understood it. You wouldnât like you, either, ever since you were reduced to who you once were. Those were the thoughts that plagued your mind as you walked through the lavish mansion, until you stopped directly in front of a door that just screamed doom from the other side.
The feeling intensified when San gave the door a few light taps with his knuckles. You had been mistaken when you thought that this would be your room. There was only one reason why San would knock like he did.
âCome in,â a gruff voice replied from inside.
Coldness washed over you, the slight fear during that one dinner night creeping back and settling itself into your bones when you were met at the sight of Hongjoong at the end of his office behind a desk where there were plenty of papers strewn all over it.
You had to put in effort in your jaws so it wouldnât fall open. Youâve seen plenty of good-looking men in your life, but none of them hold a candle to the enigma that was Kim Hongjoong. That night absolutely did nothing to justify how immaculate this man actually looked. The worst part was that he wasnât even wearing a suit like San.
He was clad in a casual white-button up shirt, the sleeves rolled neatly to his elbows, revealing lean forearms that moved with casual precision as he scribbled something across a document. He didnât look up, not bothering to acknowledge your entrance.Â
You shuffled your feet awkwardly, your heart beating a little faster, not out of attraction, though it wasnât out of the realm entirely, but with palpable tension. Hongjoong flipped a page, still without acknowledgement as if he wasnât bothered by your presence at all. It was San who finally broke the silence, his voice lower, more respectful than youâd ever heard it. âBoss. Sheâs hereââ
âLeave,â the mafia boss cut off, voice hushed in the quietness of the office, but brusque nonetheless.
It was like you were struck with an imaginary hammer straight to your chest with that one single word, but it wasnât just that - it was the undeniable truth that you were, once again, unwelcome in this shiny, brand new cage you were thrust upon. The silence that followed felt suffocating, even San was rendered speechless, clearly confused.
San cleared his throat. âIâm not sure Iâm following, Sir.â
The sound of rustling paper and the pen scratching against its surface resonated in your head. âI didnât stutter, San,â Hongjoong replied nonchalantly. âBoth of you, out.â
There was no room for argument in his tone. He didnât sound particularly peeved, in fact, he didnât sound like anything at all, and yet, the dismissal stung you more than youâd like to admit. His utter dismissal was louder than any shout. You didnât have to spend a minute longer in this room that was slowly beginning to feel like a jail cell - you didnât matter.
âAlright,â San sighed, conceding, though against his will. âWhere will she reside?â
The pen in Hongjoongâs hand stopped moving, and finally, he raised his chin, his eyes lifting slowly to stare at San. You swallowed, it reminded you of a predator being disturbed while it was resting. Your heart almost leapt out of your chest when he turned lazily to you, his eyes half-lidded this time. âKeep her in the dungeons,â he drawled flatly. Your eye twitched at the response.
âHongjoong,â Sanâs mouth dropped open in surprise, not being able to stop his reaction at his bossâ reply.
âApologies,â he said, leaning back on his leather chaise lounge, his tone egregiously insincere as he raised his brows at the butler. âI canât help but jest at the stupidity of your question, Choi San. What did you want me to say?â
You clenched your fists before they could visibly shake. God, he was beautiful, and it only made it worse, like the universe had handed unimaginable cruelty to the face of an angel just to mock you. You were scared, yes, but you were also annoyed.
You havenât even been here for five minutes yet he was already seemingly enjoying your discomfort and feeding off of your humiliation. The plan was to keep your head down so you could survive in this battlefield, but if he was going to keep this up, it was only a matter of time until your patience would snap and get you in trouble, or worse, killed.
As if he didnât just say something outrageous, Hongjoong flicked his pen to start writing again. âI need Mingi,â he said. âAnd call your Third Master. He should have been back with Seonghwa from Suwon.â
San didnât say anything as he shut the door behind you both, his steps quick and purposeful as he led you down a dimly lit corridor that felt far too silent for how grand the house looked from the outside. The heavy tension that lingered from the office followed you like a second shadow.
He glanced over at you, as if trying to read your face before turning his eyes back ahead. âI was wondering,â he started clearly just to ease the tension. âIâve noticed, well, we all did, that you didnât share a last name with your uncle. Is that on purpose?â
You blinked, surprised by the question. Such a contrast to what had just occurred a couple of minutes ago. But more than that, nobody had bothered to ask you that question before. It wasn't invasive by all means, just unexpected.
It did, however, shoot a pang of hurt through your heart. You havenât explained this in more than a decade. âHeâs my late motherâs older brother.â
San nodded slowly, absorbing the information with interest. Bless this man, you thought. âMay I ask what your last name is?â
âItâs Jeong,â you replied softly. Oh, how good it was to say your father's name like this again. âJeong Y/N.â
When he finally stopped in front of a modest door near the end of the hall, he placed a hand on the knob, but not before pausing. Something didnât feel right. âD-Did you know my father?â
You frowned at his frozen expression that didnât last for another second before he snapped off of whatever trance he put himself in.
âIâm sorry,â he said suddenly, turning to face you. âI know this was a horrible start to your soon-to-be life here,â San shook his head, the corners of his mouth tightening. âHongjoongâs hard headed, but heâs not heartless. Just give it time, okay?â
Your heart wanted to leap out of your chest. He completely changed the topic. âI get it,â you sighed, letting it go. âHeâs as much of an unwilling participant in this as I am.â
San opened the door, revealing a clean, minimal room with a bed, dresser, and tall windows draped in heavy curtains. The room was beautiful, not that you expected any less, but this was decay dressed in silk; a trap made to look like a sanctuary to your wounded soul.
âIâll let you settle in,â he said gently as he left you alone. âIf you need anything, please let me know. This is your home now as much as it is ours.â
Indeed, you were alone, but not free. Caged, but not chained, at least, not in the physical sense.
San had said to give it time, but time was a commodity and you feared it - too much of it and it left you rotting away inside your body, and too little of it felt like a countdown.
Days passed from then, and you tried to settle in to the very best of your abilities. It was the only option you had, after all. You explored the rest of the mansion, even going as far as hanging out in the vast garden in the back when you had nothing better to do. It wasnât home, per se, but it was far better from where you came from.
As suffocating as this mansion felt, at least San was right, nobody has hurt you - not yet at least. But that was always how it went, wasnât it? Then the shift would be so subtle that youâd miss it if you werenât already waiting for the sky to fall. You knew the pattern like your own breathing. So you kept your voice light. You smiled when you needed to, but you always stayed one step ahead. Because San was right, no one had hurt you, but they would. It was only a matter of time.
It was still a step-up from your uncle, his loud voice no longer calling you, but coincidentally, neither had Hongjoong. He didnât look your way once, he didnât call or summon you, and didnât acknowledge your existence very much. Somehow, you werenât sure if that was a curse or a blessing in disguise.
Nonetheless, you did enjoy it so far, and you had so much to learn. Youâve yet to peek through the library, study how the light filtered through your windows at certain hours, or just the layout of the mansion itself. You were just about to walk towards the garden when you heard the familiar, telltale signs of people talking in one of the rooms. No, rather, you were hearing an argument take place between two men.
âYou lied to me,â a manâs voice, deep, thunderous, and absolutely furious, boomed throughout the expanse of the house. âThat hit in Suwon was supposed to be mine, and mine, alone. Not anyone's, not Wooyoungâs, mine.â
You froze at the sound, instincts screaming at you to turn around, walk away, disappear. But curiosity dug its claws in. Your feet moved without permission, guiding you down the stairs toward the raised voices echoing from the living room just around the corner.
âI did not lie to you. Your lack of proper planning does not constitute an emergency on my end,â replied the familiar voice of Hongjoong, flat and stoic as ever, like he wasnât on the burnt end of someoneâs anger.
âThat little fuck. Always stealing my hits. And you tolerate him.â
Heavy, furious footsteps and you barely had time to walk away unnoticed when you almost crashed into the tall and broad-shouldered form of none other than Mingi. His expression was twisted with the fury of a thousand suns as he glared at you. For a second, he looked like he was going to explode on you, but luckily, he just walked past you with rage he looked like he could barely contain.
âYou,â came a voice from the living room.
You flinched, your spine automatically straightening like they did when your uncle screamed your name before he struck his fists. But Hongjoong didnât shout, didnât even raise his voice, but the sharpness in that single word pinned you in place like a knife. He stepped into view slowly, the light from the tall windows casting long shadows behind him. His expression was unreadable, carved from stone, gaze unreadable but heavy.
âWhat are you doing?â Hongjoong asked at last, his tone deceptively calm, but lined with quiet disdain. âSneaking around corners like a rat.â
Despite your speechlessness in the frost of his tone, you couldnât help but stare. Hongjoongâs back was turned against the window and little bits of sun rays hit his features just right. You tried to tamp the blush trying to sneak up your cheeks to make way at the vexation flickering inside your chest at his statement.
âI-I apologize, I didnât mean to intrude,â you said quietly, your heart jumping to your throat. âI was just curiousââ
âCurious,â he repeated slowly, crossing his arms in front of his chest. âYou were curious.â
You swallowed hard, your pulse pounding in your ears, as he stared you down. It was as if he was truly looking at you for the first time. He wasnât much taller than you, but the way he stood felt like he towered over you by a mile. You felt numbness wash over you, but you tried your best to answer him with honesty. You had a feeling heâd catch you fibbing anyway. âI was told I could explore a little when I came.â
His lips curled into something that wasnât quite a smile - too sharp to be one. âBut did I tell you that you could go prancing around anywhere you damn well pleased?â
Your breath caught when he took a slow, almost bored, step towards you. For a second, you saw the taller form of your uncle stalking towards you, and before you could stop yourself, you opened your mouth to protest. âIâm sorry,â you squeaked. âI just assumed that since Iâm staying here that I canââ
âImmaterial,â he interrupted, low and vicious. âThis is my house, and you answer to me.âÂ
Hongjoong stuck his finger under your chin, slightly tilting it up. The tips of your ears reddened completely, not because you were flustered, but because it felt degrading. âIâve been quite busy, you see,â he continued with a sneer. âBut donât think Iâve forgotten your existence. I can never forget the face of someone who was sold to me.â
You didnât answer. The words stung too much, mostly because youâd dared to hope, even briefly, that maybe this place could become a safe haven. Being remembered like this hurt even more. âYouâre right, I wonât do it again,â you whispered, too defeated to even let your usual anger consume you. âI was out of line, Iâm sorry.â
âThen, act like it,â Hongjoongâs eyes stayed locked on yours, unblinking, his tone dismissive and cold.
He turned his back to you, not bothering to wait for your reply as he started to walk away. âYou shouldnât have been here,â he added. âDonât make the same mistake twice. Stay in your lane.â
You were left standing in the same spot heâd left you even after a long time clenching your fists, shame filling your chest at the minor confrontation, the sharp sting of his words looping in your mind, each repetition sharper than the last.
You dug your nails into your palms until it hurt. Good. You needed something to keep yourself grounded because the rage was almost enough to drown you. How dare he treat you like you were disposable?
The worst part was that you were supposed to marry this man, spend the rest of your miserable days walking on eggshells around this insufferable, arrogant bastard? You closed your eyes, pinching the bridge of your nose as you took a deep breath.
San told you no one was going to hurt you. He lied, to a certain extent he did, because hurt here came from humiliation and not the hand thatâll lay itself on your skin. You didnât have to like him, especially since love was completely out of the question, and you had absolutely no obligation to please him, but you would survive this. You had to.Â
You were following San one Sunday morning as heâd promised to show you the private library after you were no longer skittish after the last encounter with Hongjoong. âIâd love to show you the library today,â San turned, a smile blooming on his face. âMaster is very fond of them, as is the Second Master. Iâm sure you would, too. Itâs quite fascinating.â
âIâve heard a second and third master being mentioned once or twice before,â you started. âI assume theyâre family. Would I be meeting them soon? Should I be wary of them?â
âYou would be correct, they are family,â San nodded, pausing in front of the library doorway to face you. âUnfortunately, the Second Master is currently on aâŚâ
He cleared his throat, trailing off to find the right wording like you didnât already know youâd be marrying into the mafia. âMission, so to speak. And as youâve gathered, the Third Master is in Suwon so he should be back soon.â
He took a pause, glancing at his wristwatch before glancing back at you. âRight now, actually. I completely forgot about that,â he cursed under his breath as he looked at you sheepishly. âI apologize, would you mind if I left to instruct someone of his arrival?â
You gave San a small, amused smile, waving him off. âItâs okay. Go do what you need to do. Iâll just wait here.â
âThank you,â he sighed in relief, already backing away. âI promise I wonât take long.â
You rolled your eyes fondly as he disappeared down the corridor, the sound of his quick footsteps fading behind you. Alone now, you took a slow breath, soaking in the ornate hallway. You didnât mind waiting, at least you had something to look forward to very soon.
If anything, the wait was very peaceful, but that peace was soon shattered when you heard the door to your left at the far end of the hallway swinging open and two voices suddenly filling in the space of the house. They were unfamiliar, as far as you knew. One thing you noticed was that Hongjoong kept a very limited amount of staff going in and out of the manor.
You shifted nervously, looking to where San had left to see if he was coming back soon, not knowing where to go and how to interact with Hongjoongâs possible guests. He always had people over he was constantly talking to and you didnât know how heâd reprimand you if he saw you talking to them.
âYou got me fucked up if you think Iâm not getting back at you for this,â the first man who entered snorted, his bright and shameless laughter put you on high alert. You watched as he made a show of stretching his limbs exaggeratedly. âYou know I canât stand economy flights, Seonghwa, why would you subject me to this torture?â
Then came the second voice, calm and firm, but edged with exasperation. âForgive me for being presumptuous if I say youâre not going to die being a normal person just this once, master,â he said flatly, closing the door behind him with a sigh.
They were quite a pair, you noticed. It was easy to assume that this was the infamous Third Master Hongjoong had been waiting for. His eyes sparkled with mischief, his playful smirk clearly irritating his older, taller companion.
âWe had to blend in, you know that,â the taller man - model - Seonghwa continued, gracefully trudging two suitcases behind him. âHongjoong is going to throw a fit if he finds out weâre being tailed.âÂ
The other man scoffed once more, letting out an obnoxious laughter that frankly reminded you of a hyena. âHeâll be fine,â he waved his hand off-handedly as he started to walk. âI could justââ
He came to a dramatic halt when he saw you standing in the hallway, blinking in complete surprise. He was a lot younger than you thought he was, his boyish charm was impossible to ignore. He observed you from head to toe before he let out a grin that was too wide to be innocent.
Seonghwa almost did a halt, but his was more sudden than his companion. Recognition flashed in his eyes and you wouldâve missed it if you werenât paying attention. He was more reserved, after all. If the first man was chaos, this one was control.
âWell, well, well,â the grinning one drawled, ignoring Seonghwaâs pointed sigh. âWhatâs a beautiful thing like you doing here?â
You blinked, taken slightly aback by the sheer confidence in his tone. âIâm not an intruder,â you said cautiously. âI-Iâm waiting for San.â
âOh, Iâm sure youâre not. I wouldâve already known if you were,â he smirked as he stepped forward, confidence dripping with every step, until he stopped in front of you. Shivers ran through your spine. He reminded you of Hongjoongâs predatory nature. âAnd I wouldnât be smiling.â
He held his hands up for you to shake. âJung Wooyoung, and my heart is yours to intrude, if youâd like. Youâll find that Iâm very easy to rob,â He gave a unapologetic bow, his smirk widening. âYou could do it now if youâd likeââ
âSheâs not available,â Seonghwa cut in, his tone flat, his gaze flicking to you with a subtle nod of acknowledgement. âWooyoung, please, contain yourself, you embarrassment.â
Woooyoung backed off slightly, the confusion in his face palpable. âSheâs not available?â He frowned. âWhy not?â
Seonghwa leaned in slightly, whispering something low against Wooyoungâs ear, voice so quiet you couldnât catch the words. Wooyoung froze, his gaze towards you no longer flirtatious, the warmth in his eyes being replaced by something so cold and calculating that had you taking a small step back.
Youâd seen that look before - on Mingi, of all people. But then, just as suddenly, the light snapped back on. Your sense of danger heightened; Wooyoung and Mingi reminded you of Hongjoong the most. You had to avoid them at all costs.
Wooyoung gasped, hand flying to his chest like he was scandalized. âI donât believe it,â he blurted out. âYouâre marrying Hongjoong?â
Wooyoung looked at you again, a wild laugh tumbling out as he shook his head. âWow. Poor thing. Youâre how old? Thisâll be so awkward during dinners when people ask me, especially Mingi. How did Mingi react to Hongjoong owning you?â
You frowned, not understanding Mingiâs significance. âNot well, I guess,â you admitted before you gave him a pointed glare. âAnd Iâm no oneâs property.â
âNuances,â he shrugged. âWell, if you get sick of Hongjoongâs moodiness, my roomâs on the east wing, just a few doors away from his officeââ
âThere will be none of that,â Seonghwa said dryly, voice heavy with the kind of weariness that could only come from years of enduring Wooyoungâs antics.
âI didnât hear a no from her,â Wooyoung sing-songed.Â
âWooyoung, shut up,â Seonghwa whisper-shouted in warning.
âAnyway, I could take you to dinner,â he wiggled his brows, grabbing your hand. You were almost appalled at his audacity and shied away, yanking your hand away quickly.
âWooyoung.â
He turned to Seonghwa in exasperation. âWhy are you messing up my groove, Hwa? God, youâre just like my father at this point-ââÂ
âYou fucking fool,â Seonghwa cut in coldly, stepping aside as he jabbed a finger toward the other end of the hallway. âCongratulations. Now youâll find out what the afterlife is like.â
Wooyoung followed his gaze, then yelped so loud it echoed through the hallways, because at the far end of the corridor, shadowed in the doorway with the light behind him stood none other than Hongjoong. His arms were crossed and his expression screamed death.
Your stomach turned, the blood draining from your face as he stared at you. They were dark, narrowed into slits, filled with a contained fury. This was the first time you were seeing him days after your altercation at the living room and his presence reminded you of how remarkably terrifying this man was.
âWooyoung,â Hongjoong said, voice low, crisp, and venomous. âMy office. Now.â
All the color drained from Wooyoungâs face, his smirk crumbled, replaced by a sheepish half-smile and a muttered, âAh. Right. Of course. Be right there.â
âAnd you. Be ready, there will be a family dinner tonight,â Hongjoong turned his unyielding attention to someone behind you. âBrief her, manners included.â He eyes you up and down, and you blushed in humiliation once more, trying not to look as small as you felt with his judging gaze. âLord knows you need brushing up.â
You barely heard Wooyoungâs nervous chuckle as he stumbled past you, still trying to mask his own fear. But it didnât matter, your attention was solely fixed entirely on the man who still hadnât moved an inch, still standing in that doorway like a judge awaiting a verdict before you felt yourself being pulled back by Seonghwa.Â
âI am terribly sorry about that,â he apologized, leading you to the side door where he came from. âHeâs not that bad, I promise. Just a bit aloof, and Hongjoong, heâs uh, something, but itâll get better with time.â
You hummed, not knowing what to say. You couldnât possibly say that their boss spiked a little fear in you somehow. As you were walking, you were pleasantly surprised to see red tulips blooming. You grinned, quickly running off to look closer.
However, you wouldnât be the only ones to admire them. Mingi turned the tulip in his fingers with surprising care, before he set his eyes on you and Seonghwa before approaching. His walk, alone, screamed intimidation and hesitated. Mingi trained his sharp eyes on you before he set his attention back on the red tulip bud he was holding.
âSince when did we have these?â He murmured absentmindedly. âAnyway, Iâm glad youâre back. Wooyoung? I heard him whining and bitching around here somewhere.â
âSince now, I guess,â Seonghwa curiously grabs the tulips and hums. He turns to you with a soft smile and shows you the tulip up close. âSay, Y/N, may I ask what your favourite flowers are?â
You didnât answer immediately, not with Mingi staring at you. You tried not to look at him, but you could feel his stare dissecting your every breath and it made your spine stiffen. âThese ones,â you answered softly, cradling a nearby petal. âRed tulips.â
A strange silence followed and when you glanced up cautiously, you found the both of them staring at one another curiously. Mingiâs eyes narrowed, and Seonghwa raised an eyebrow, as if they all knew something you didnât. âAnyway,â Seonghwa cleared his throat. âYou should go to the office. Your dadâs probably tearing him a new one. He, uh, may or may not have flirted with her.â
Mingiâs brows shot up in mild surprise. âGod, that stupid fuck,â he hissed, shaking his head before he patted Seonghwaâs shoulder once and walking away. âIâll catch up later, I need to settle the score with him and Father anyway.â
Dad? Father? Those were the only things circling in your head even as Seonghwa had guided you back into your designated room and sat you down on the bed. Your mouth opened and closed repeatedly, because Mingi wasnât just anyone, he was Hongjoongâs son.
âI take it you had no idea First Master Mingi was Hongjoongâs son?â Seonghwa asked, amusement dancing in his eyes at your bewildered expression. You robotically shook your head in denial. He let out a short, breathy laugh. âFigures. Thatâs very Hongjoong of him to not tell you,â he shook his head.
You smiled bitterly. âWhy would he? Iâm nobody to him.â
Seonghwaâs eyes softened. âThatâs not it. You have to understand, you are only about seven or so years older than his eldest son. It might not seem like it, but he does have morals.â
San did mention that the so-called masters were family, but you thought that meant they had a brotherly bond. You werenât expecting literal family. âI just assumed he was one of higher-ups,â you blurted out.
âHe technically is, yes,â Seonghwa confirmed. âHeâs set to inherit the title once Hongjoong retires. Wooyoung is the next in line given that the Second Master is not interested in the title.â
You blinked repeatedly. Then it hits you - there was yesterday when San mentioned a Third Master. Wooyoung is also Hongjoongâs son. âMingi is the eldest, Hongjoong had him before he hit twenty because his father wanted him to have a son before he transferred the title to him,â he kindly explained.
âAnd his mother was, uh,â he tenses a little bit before shaking his head. âSheâs not a good person. Only married a Kim to sell the enemy information. There was no love in the marriage anyway, so Hongjoong kicked her out when Mingi was only three. Havenât seen her since. Theyâre all about the same age, but Wooyoungâs the youngest. Thereâs a reason he gets away with everything,â he chuckled.
âHow come Wooyoung doesnât share a last name with Hongjoong?â You asked.
âItâs because Wooyoung is not his biological son,â Seonghwa answered. âNeither is Second Master, but theyâre biological brothers, however. They were his former right-handâs sons, but he died in a hit gone wrong. They both got along with Mingi even before then, so adopting them was a no-brainer. But that doesnât matter, they are his sons.â
You took that in slowly. Three sons; one cold and carved from stone, another a carefree spark of chaos, and a third somewhere in between you hadnât even met yet. No wonder Mingi looked at you like that. You were just a few years older than him and he was probably naturally weirded out about it.Â
âAnyway, Iâll leave you to it, you have to get ready for dinner tonight. Since Wooyoung has been gone for three months, itâs customary to welcome him back,â Seonghwa grabs your hand to shake it gently, smiling at you with that smile that eased your worries for a bit. âDonât mind Hongjoong. Iâm sure youâll do well. Itâs very nice to finally meet you, Y/N.â
You didnât pay much attention to Seonghwaâs words. Itâs very nice to finally meet you. You didnât bother to dress up too much as you stood in front of the mirror longer than you should have, smoothing invisible wrinkles from your clothes. For a moment, you thought about putting on makeup, but youâd always felt like a child trying to play dress-up.
When you finally stepped out of the room and down the long hallway toward the dining hall, your legs felt hollow. The muted murmur of voices from behind the doors swelled with each step. And you hated how it reminded you of that night - your first time meeting Hongjoong.
Thankfully, he wasnât ignoring you because he was looking straight at you, arms crossed as he watched your awkward form walk to the centre of the room, as San led to the chair to sit directly to his left. You cursed internally, you were betting on settling in the background and would have chosen to sit on the far end of the table.
Thankfully, everyone was here, though you couldnât really focus on them. Mingi sat in front of you, Seonghwa and San, respectively, sitting beside him. You were sure you wouldnât be the only one who couldnât breathe with Hongjoongâs menacing aura. Still, you were relieved, at least you wouldnât be alone.
âHowdy, pretty,â Wooyoung saluted flirtatiously beside you, his eyes twinkling with mischief and excitement. You saw the man beside him roll his eyes dramatically, but didnât say a word. You gave Wooyoung a tight smile out of politeness.
âScram if youâre going to be insufferable, Wooyoung,â Hongjoong sighed, irritation palpable on his expression before he set his eyes on you. âAnd you, donât do that ever again. Youâre here to represent me. You know what that entails. I know youâre not as dull as you seem.â
You gritted your teeth, forcing a meek nod as a response. Wooyoung scoffs obnoxiously, ignoring the first statement directed to him. âRelax, nobodyâs taking your woman from you,â he teased. âJealousy doesnât suit you. Youâre practically frothing at the mouth.â
You could tell Hongjoong was close to exploding judging from the vein popping on his temples that protruded so much, it looked like it hurt. Instead, he puts his hands up, gesturing to the stoic man sitting beside Wooyoung. âThis is Jongho,â he said, voice flat and uninterested. âHe will be your bodyguard from now on. Jongho, show your respect.â
You blinked in surprise. This was the last thing you ever expected, but you welcomed it. You were surprised, however, Jongho didnât look like he was much older than you. His face was carved with stoicism and impassiveness. âIâll do my best to keep you safe,â Jongho said plainly, voice deep and steady.
âRight, let's get a few things out of the way,â Hongjoong started, voice still as sharp and astute as if time was running out, the entire time the staff was piling dinner on the table. âWhen did your parents pass away?â
That question hit you harder than all the insults and coldness he directed towards you. You were expecting something else, even about your uncleâs failing business that you had no idea about, but certainly not this. âWhen I was sixteen,â you blurted out. âIt was sudden, I was told it was a hit and run.â
Hongjoongâs question had sliced through the dinner like a blade, and your answer left a ringing silence in its wake.You swallowed, suddenly hyper aware of how cold the room felt. Across the table, Mingiâs gaze sharpened instantly, replaced by something cold and alert. He flicked his eyes towards Hongjoong, a silent communication passing between them. And even Wooyoung let out a slow exhale, his playful demeanor was nowhere to be found.
Hongjoong nodded, his stern face not giving anything away. âHit and run?â He repeated slowly, like tasting the words. âThatâs what they told you? Who told you that?â
âM-My uncle,â you answered truthfully.
âHmm,â Hongjoong hummed brusquely. âThat good-for-nothing leech during dinner?â
You nodded stiffly. A beat passes, something about the way his jaw muscle ticked and his exhale changed. âWhen did you start living with him?â
âRight after the funeral,â you replied. âHe took me before my other family members had a chance to say their condolences to me.â
âAnd?â he asked, voice clipped. âHow bad was he?â
Just like that, memories upon memories of all the hurt, emotionally and physically, started playing in your brain like an old camera film. Subconsciously, you touched your neck. The bruises were gone, but you could still feel his hands wrapped around them. âBad enough,â you replied quietly, avoiding eye contact.
Sanâs eyes softened. There was a slight crease in his brow, one of restrained empathy. He leaned back slightly, as if he needed space to process it, or to give you some. âFucking bastard,â he muttered under his breath.
Hongjoong didnât respond, his eyes lowering to your hand on your neck. His eyes didnât soften, but the edge in them did dull ever so slightly. He looked at you for one more second before he leaned back on his seat to stare out the large window that overlooked the entire manor.
"You need to act the part if you're going to stay here," Hongjoong said, voice sharp, still looking out the window. You were thankful for the change of topic, it was hard to pretend the questions didnât sting.
You glanced wearily at him from where you were sitting. âWhat part?â
âYou are going to be Mrs. Kim very soon, and you will be associated with me,â he said. âThat means whatever you do will reflect on me, including both your victory and your defeat. I do not want the likes of you to embarrass me.â
You clenched your hands in your lap to keep them from shaking. Your identity was being stripped down, reshaped into someone he could not even tolerate standing next to. It was next level humiliation.
âI will not tolerate disrespect from any outsiders about whatâs mine, hence me giving you a bodyguard,â he continued, casually sipping on his wine. âI refuse my family to be a laughingstock of some sorts. You will be under my name, so you will be under my protection.â
Under his name, not sharing his name. He was basically telling you that you will become his burden and liability. âIt is imperative that no one knows about us for now. You will not wear a ring, and you will not speak about our arrangement. â
You swallowed, throat tight. âSo what am I supposed to be, then? Your accessory?â
He leaned closer, and your breath caught in your chest. âPlay the game. Or pack your things.â
âNow, hold on a minute,â a voice cut off, one you werenât expecting. Everybody looks at Wooyoung curiously, the cutlery in the background halting. âDonât you think this is a bit much, Dad? Youâre asking her to erase herself in front of everyone. Hide everything. No ring, no identity, no dignity? You want her to protect your name, but you wonât even give her the same courtesy?â
Your heart thumped. Was someone finally on your side? And of all the people, his own son? The one who you thought was a flirt. Hongjoong shifted his gaze. âSince when did you start calling me Dad?â He asked, tone cold now, sharpened to a lethal edge. âDo not undermine me at my own table, Jung Wooyoung.â
You werenât that much of an idiot - this engagement was a farce because he was hiding you like a shadow. It was erasure disguised as a strategy. It stung, not that you were expecting him to hold you and show you off, but still.
Your fingers brushed against the gold fork, just drowning out the fight, and you were about to dig in when your plate was suddenly pushed away. Horrified, you stared at Hongjoong who had a passive expression on his face. âDonât eat anything,â he stated, cold eyes drilling onto your wide ones, his fingers still on the edge of the plate he so callously pushed off. âNot until I say so.â
You froze, absolutely mortified at what he had done. You could accept all the insults and the cold shoulder heâd been presenting you in his house, but this? You swallowed the lump in your throat and kept your head down, your hands curling into your lap like they didnât belong at the table. Your stomach had long since stopped growling - embarrassment had a way of killing hunger.
âShe didnât do anything. Why would you do that?â Seonghwa spoke, his tone laced with disbelief, his brows furrowed as he looked from the plate to you, then back to Hongjoong. Even Jongho, who had been trying to eat quietly, had stopped.
âNo one eats until she does,â Wooyoung muttered suddenly, pushing his own plate away with a sharp scrape. He didnât even look at Hongjoong. His focus was entirely on you, his eyes softening slightly. âI love you and all, Hongjoong, but weâre not playing these games. If youâre jealous, just say so.â
âThen none of you are eating,â Hongjoong snarled. The sudden sound of a chair scraping violently against the floor shattered the moment. Everyone flinched, heads turning just in time to see Hongjoong push himself up from his seat with a grace so sharp it cut through the hum of the room. âGet up,â he said, his jaw locked, his fists white-knuckled.
Your head whipped toward him in disbelief. âW-What?â
His eyes, narrowed and glinting with something unreadable, didnât budge. âI said, get up.â His tone was low and lethal; it didnât leave room for any arguments.
He didnât wait for your response, not until he just grabbed you by the arm all of a sudden, dragging you away from the crowd and straight to the living room staircase. âWhat are youâ?â
âYou,â he spat, voice low and accusing. âWhat spell did you cast on them? How did you get everyone to turn against me?â
You blinked, stunned by the sudden accusation, but you couldnât say anything as Hongjoongâs eyes darkened further, shadows flickering in their depths as his voice dropped to a dangerous whisper. âJongho. Take her to her room. No more scenes.â
Hongjoongâs gaze lingered on you for a heartbeat longer, a mix of frustration and something unreadable in his expression before walking away. It was like Hongjoong ripped your heart out directly from your chest and took it with him, leaving your insides hollow in its wake.Â
âI apologize on his behalf. Hongjoongâs not good at expressing how he truly feels. Youâre not missing much on the food, if it matters,â he assuaged in an attempt to make you feel better as he led you upstairs. âThe steak was tough, the dressing was bland, and the avocados were mushy as hell. Our chef was sick, so we had to hire another one. Their last day, it seems.â
You swivelled your head slowly to look at Jongho. âW-What did you say was in the dressing?â
âHuh? Avocados? Yeah, itâs like someone stepped on them and plopped them on the plate. Bleh.â
Your heart rate began to pick up abnormally. You were deadly allergic to avocados. âReally?â Your voice cracked slightly, the information settling in your head like a broken record.Â
âReally,â he confirmed with a soft smile that emphasized how young he actually was.
Avocado allergies were rare. Even when you were younger, it was easy to avoid them, and even your uncle didnât know you had an allergy. Not that he gave you avocados, he was cheap on you like that.Â
But besides that, you definitely screwed up last night. From what youâve observed, not only was Hongjoongâs fuse short already, but his anger was difficult to dissipate as well. You needed to figure out a way to appease him, you didnât want him calling off the engagement.
âYou want to make Hongjoongâs dinner every night, you said?â Sanâs brows were both raised up to his hairline. âAre you sure, Y/N? Hongjoongâs quite the picky eater.â
You ignored the voice in your head that bristled at the thought of a man in his mid-forties still picky with his food. âIt might not seem like it, but Iâm a capable cook, I swear,â you joked. âIâve had a lot of practice living with my uncle.â
Sanâs eyes softened significantly, but in the end, he relented. âIâll instruct the staff to vacate the kitchen come nighttime,â he sighed.Â
True to his words, the kitchen was all yours by 6 oâclock at night. You didnât even have time to marvel around the luxurious setup, you had no time to waste. Not when you had to prove yourself useful. When push comes to shove, maybe you could be his chef instead of his wife rather than your uncleâs niece again.
You didnât make anything fancy, just a simple soup to gauge what Hongjoong might like or might not. You even tried your best to make the vegetables in it barely visible, thatâs how much effort you put in it.
You were about to bring the soup up to his office when by sheer coincidence, Hongjoong, himself, showed up to the kitchen, and judging by his slightly raised brow at you holding the bowl with an apron still on you, he wasnât expecting to see anyone in the kitchen, let alone you of all people.
âH-Hi,â you stammered, avoiding out contact, awkwardly. âI, uh, I made you something.â
He doesnât say anything at first, just blinking repeatedly, before sighing. âDonât stay up late next time,â was all he said before he moved past you to walk out of the kitchen as if he didnât want to be there in the first place.
Hongjoong disappeared into his study, the sound of the door clicking shut behind him like punctuation to the silence he left behind. You let out a shaky breath, the sting of his blatant rejection making your legs shake as you sat on the dining chair. Maybe tomorrow.
But he still didnât eat. You did it again the next day anyway, even when the results were the same. You werenât a master chef by any means, but one thing you were proud of was that you put genuine care on all of the things your hands create.
You patiently waited for Hongjoong, ready to try and spend time with him at dinner even though the both of you never got along since he disliked you. The thought of being face to face made your heartbeat go wilder than the prospect of him accepting your efforts.
By the fifth night after another failed attempt, you asked around to figure out what Hongjoongâs favourite foods were. You tried to ignore the pitying looks San sent you while Seonghwa quietly cleaned another plate of ignored efforts, taking everything with a smile on your face even though on the inside, you felt like crying.
You clutched another plate a little tighter again the next day, heat bleeding through porcelain and into your palms. You wondered if he even knew or if he smelled the spices in the air, wondered if he saw your sleeping form on the couch when you were too tired to wait for him.
Maybe you didnât need him to eat it, maybe you just needed him to pause - to look at you like you were more than the terms of a deal neither of you asked for. But instead, all he gave you was a sigh and his absence. And there you were - offering warmth with shaking hands to a man whoâd rather freeze.
Hope began to dwindle when you didnât even see Hongjoongâs shadow anymore by the seventh night. You started plating smaller portions out of humiliation and by the ninth, you didnât bother waiting for Hongjoong anymore, just quietly making the food and leaving it in the kitchen, not even bothering to check if it was eaten or if Seonghwa had thrown it away.
You decided to stop after another week. You were tired of waking up in the room to Seonghwaâs shaking head when you looked at him expectantly. However, you wanted to make dinner for the last time not just for Hongjoong anymore, but for everyone whoâs been nothing but accommodating to you.
You just needed a couple of ingredients to make what you needed, and for that, you wanted to pick them out yourself. That was how you found yourself directly in front of Hongjoongâs office where you knew he always was, steeling your nerves to knock and ask if there was a car that you could use to drive yourself to the market.
You were about to knock when you stopped yourself. There was a heated conversation going inside the office and by the sound of it, it was Hongjoong and Seonghwa. You could hardly hear what they were talking about.
â....canât keep doing thisâŚ.giving her the cold shoulder, JoongâŚsheâll find outâŚ.what are you going to do then?â
âGive me timeâŚ..so close to caging in Yoo Jaehwan, that bastardâŚno one can knowâŚ.make sure heâll payâŚ.Yeosang.â
Your entire body locked, coldness spreading all over your chest at the mention of your uncleâs name. Those were Hongjoong and Seonghwaâs voices, you were positive, but what were they talking about?
â....wonât be safe forever, you know that. SanâŚ.intel on the hit and runâŚ.was damn impossible toâŚ.think Jaehwan knows?â
âThereâs no denying itâŚ..will be safer here....never forgive myself if something happensâŚ.my everythingâwhoâs there?â
You cursed internally when you accidentally misplaced your foot, causing your body to bump onto the door. You were about to turn and run away, to pretend that you were never here in the first place, but it was too late. The door swung open, revealing Hongjoongâs stern figure, eyes sharp and searching. His gaze landed on you in mild surprise, his chest rising slightly from how fast he'd moved.
âY/N?â You saw his hand squeeze the doorknob ever so slightly. Still, you canât help the shiver that passed through you. That was the first time heâd ever said your name. âHow long have you been standing there?â
His voice was low, but it wasnât calm. âWhat did I tell you about sneaking around like a damn rat?â
âI-I just got here, I swear,â you swallowed, hard. He stared at you, deadpan. In no timeline or galaxy did he believe you. âI want to go out. I-I know thereâs a market near here andââ
âAbsolutely not,â he rejected, his voice rising up in pitch ever so slightly in disbelief. âYouâre not going out.â
The denial was harsh and brutal - hell, he didnât even let you finish your sentence - but this was also the first time you saw any other emotion on him other than anger, annoyance, and intimidation. âI really want to goââ you tried again.
âAnd I said no,â he repeated, his voice a little harsher this time.
You were taken aback. It wasnât just the denial that struck you, it was the sheer urgency in his tone. It was the look in his eyes that if you stared hard enough, you couldâve found uneasiness and dread swimming in them.
âBut I havenât been out ever since I came here,â you blurted out in equal disbelief. He was the most arrogant and controlling one youâve ever met and that was saying a lot. âI want to buy some produceââ
âOrder it online, I donât give a damn,â he snapped. He was about to close the door on you, but you put your foot to block it. âWhat the hell are youââ
âPlease, Hongjoong,â you begged. It was a massive hit on your own ego and pride, but you were going to lose your mind if you donât find fresh air soon. âI-I wonât even stay long, Iâll keep my phone on me.â
He stilled, his gaze faltered. You saw his throat tighten as he looked towards the floor. âHongjoong,â he repeated under his breath, so soft you almost missed it.Â
Your breath hitched. He said it so softly that you almost missed it. Except you didnât. You werenât even sure if you were meant to hear it. Seonghwa, who forgot was also in the room, cleared his throat, thus breaking that unspoken tension you found with Hongjoong. âI could take herââ he started gently, but Hongjoong cut him off with a look, his neck snapping up so fast that it scared you a little.
Hongjoongâs eyes hardened again, and this time, they were the darkest you had ever seen. âI donât keep you to tolerate her, Seonghwa,â he barked before turning to you one last time. âYouâre not going out. Thatâs final.â
His gaze lingered a moment longer on you, eyes glinting with something between rage and warning, before he completely shut the door on you. He didnât slam it, but it still knocked the wind out of your lungs as the finality of his denial settles in on you.
Something shifted in you at the moment. At first, you had mistaken it for fatigue. The stress of constantly trying to walk on eggshells with Hongjoong just so you wouldnât say the wrong things in case he decided to call off the marriage, the late nights staying up making him dinner he didnât even want, they were starting to get to you.
It didnât happen all at once, but now the weight in your chest didnât feel like fear anymore, it felt like fury - no, you knew it was. The final push was so mundane it almost felt insulting. You could feel your anger simmering and it was only a matter of time until it boiled over.
You were tempted to bang on the door like a madwoman, but you chose to walk away to the one place you knew would give you comfort - the garden. But even the flowers werenât enough to make you feel better. If anything, they emphasized how infinitely colourless your world was.
You clenched your jaw, jaw tight as you sat down on one of the benches, arms crossed, trying to remind yourself that you were still here. You were still standing and still breathing. You werenât going to fall apart over someone like him.
âYour energy is so strong that I wouldnât be surprised if the flowers started to wilt.â
You rolled your eyes, not really in the mood to talk to anybody, but when Jongho sat beside you, you couldnât help but relax a bit. Youâve always loved company regardless of how you felt. Youâve been alone all your life, so it was always nice to have someone. âHow did you know I was here anyway?â You murmured with a small pout.
Jongho chuckled, absentmindedly fiddling with a lone petal. âIâm not your bodyguard for nothing. Iâm always watching.â
âThatâs totally not creepy at all,â you chuckled a little, shaking your head.
He laughed, shifting his weight before letting out a slow breath. âHeâs not mad at you, you know.â
You snorted, giving him an incredulous look, but Jongho just smiled. âIâm serious. Donât take it personally,â he said softly. âHeâs just scared. Thatâs all.â
You didnât care what Hongjoongâs intentions were, but in reality, you were starving for anything that made you feel less like a ghost haunting someone else's palace. Yet your mind wandered, uninvited and unwelcome, back to that moment at the door when youâd said his name. But it wasnât your own desperation that haunted you - it was his reaction. How his gaze had faltered and how heâd gone utterly still.Â
If there was something to behold about your personality, it was that you were nothing but persistent, after all. It was the reason why youâve come so far in your miserable life. So you tried again after a couple of days to ask Hongjoong again if you could go out.
Whatever conversation you overheard him and Seonghwa must have set him off that day so you figured youâd let his anger simmer and try to catch him in a good mood. Yesterday, you even saw him in the living room, casually reading the newspaper - you almost smiled at that because it inadvertently showed his age - while chatting casually with Mingi.
Now that you knew the real nature of their relationship, you could clearly see how much Mingi resembled Hongjoong, who honestly didnât look a day over forty if it wasnât for reading glasses resting low on his nose. God, you thought, that detail alone betrayed his age more than anything.
So you gathered your courage and waited when you knew he was going to be alone in his office in the afternoon. You took a deep breath, rapped your knuckles on the door before opening it slightly enough to poke your head in.
But he wasnât here. That surprised you more than anything, mainly because it wasnât much of a secret how much of a workaholic Hongjoong was. Even if you didnât hear Wooyoung complain about it a lot, it wasnât like you couldnât see it.
Against your better judgment, you entered the room, opting to just wait in his room for his return, but not closing the door to signal that someone was here. Last thing you wanted was for Hongjoong to think you were intruding. You were hanging on your last thread with him as is. His office screamed of him all over.
Admittedly, you balked at the slight mess on his table as you walked towards the leather couches to sit down, but before you could do so, something inadvertently catches your eye amongst the mess that was his desk.
Half-tucked under a stack of manila folders and faded blueprints, barely sticking out like it had slipped by accident, was a photo. You reached for it on instinct - then froze. It was you.
Specifically, it was your graduation photo. You were smiling, though you could tell that it didnât reach your eyes.. The photo was frayed along the edges and the corners were soft from wear. There was a faint crease running down the middle, as if it had been folded and unfolded a hundred times over. Your heart thudded, your hands shaking immensely. You shouldnât have looked.
âYou have thirty seconds to explain what youâre doing in my office before I lose all civility.â
The way your entire body trembled with uncouth shock was something to be seen. Hongjoong stood there, his sharp eyes trained on the photo you were holding in your hand, his jaw tightening. âTime is ticking, Y/N. Youâre twenty-seconds away from having a very, very bad day.â
You put the photo haphazardly back on his desk. âI wanted to ask again if I could, perhaps, go outââ
You were stunned into absolute silence when he banged his fist on the door once but with enough force to shake the whole world around the both of you. âAre you deaf?â His tone sliced the air in half like a blade. âOr just unbelievably stupid? Didnât I tell you that you cannot go out? How many times do I have to tell you?â
You stood frozen, the heat of his fury scorching your skin, but he wasnât done. âYouâre either acting like an imbecile, or you really are one. And Iâm supposed to marry you? Iâm already doing your uncle a favour by not shooting him between the eyes, but my God, this is pushing it. â
His words gutted you. You were used to your uncle calling you all the insults in the book, but this was something else, Hongjoong was basically judging your entire personality from the skin side out, and that hurt more than anything else because he doesnât even know you.
But you were only human, and even animals bite back when wounded. âYouâre no different than my uncle,â you slipped out, unshed tears lining the corners of your eyes. âYouâre hiding something from me. Why are you locking me in?â
He scoffed, eyes glinting with something that felt like contempt. âPlease. Donât insult me like that. He sent you to me like a lamb to a slaughterhouse. You just havenât thanked me for the knife yet.â
You didnât even know what expression your face was making, only that your cheeks felt hot and your throat burned like youâd swallowed fire. âI hate you,â your lips wobbled, looking at him with indignance in your eyes. âI hate you.â
He laughed bitterly, without humor, without restraint. âYeah?â His voice was sharp, venomous. âWell, youâre about to hate me more.â
Then he turned, grabbed an envelope from the desk, and threw it at you. Money spilled out like a slap, some bills fluttering to the floor at your feet. âThere, this is what you wanted, is it not? Now you can pretend youâre not living inside a cage.â
To say you were appalled would be an understatement. Your heart curled into itself, shriveling behind your ribs. Before you could fully break down, you ran out without another word, not bothering to look at him or the money littered across the room as you ran until your legs gave out in a random corridor of the mansion.
You didnât bother minimizing your loudness, your hands trembling against the marble as you choked back a sob, quiet and broken. You havenât cried in a long time, mainly because you refused to for someone like him, but this wasnât just for Hongjoong. They were for everything; for the girl you used to be, the child who lost her parents, for the woman you were failing to become, and for the bride you never wanted to be.
The rubber band holding yourself together snaps, so you ran down the corridors, through the driveway, past the gigantic gates, anywhere but there. You didnât know where you were going, but you needed to breathe somewhere he wasnât.
 It wasnât until your shoes hit an unfamiliar pavement that you realized that you were far away from the estate. In fact, you were in a small park with a playground. The sight was haunting, the play place devoid of the telltale laughter of children. It was perfect.
The adrenaline that kept you going had long worn off, but you didnât care as you walked warily towards the swings and sat on it. Your fists clenched around the swingâs cold chains as more tears fell freely now. You didn't bother wiping them away. Why were you here anyway? To get away from a man who doesnât want you even when you knew the invisible chains that tied you two together would shorten again?
Pathetic.
You had fantasized about the idea of finding freedom in a marriage that saved your life. You had hoped that maybe Hongjoong would grow on you, and him on you, but those fantasies had shriveled and rotted the moment Kim Hongjoong opened his mouth. And so, you let yourself swing, forward and back, forward and back, as if maybe, just maybe, you could go far enough to leave the hurt behind.
You were there for a while, you didnât move when the sun started to set. You didnât move when thunder clapped on the sky above. You didnât move when the first set of raindrops fell onto your skin, sticking to your clothes like a fever that you canât sweat out. You didnât care.
You wouldâve stayed there forever, let the ocean take you, but someone else had plans for you that day. At first, you couldnât hear it above the rain and the thunder, but the unmistakable sound of footsteps hitting puddles was impossible to ignore.
You closed your eyes, willing your mind to focus, but when you opened them again, you froze. Hongjoong stood from afar, drenched to the bone, his head whipping around like a madman. His chest rose and fell with labored breaths, but when his eyes met yours, his shoulders hunched like the entire world had just been lifted off his back and thrown back on again. You closed your eyes again, praying that heâd go away if you pretended to not see him, but just like you, Hongjoong was nothing but persistent, after all.
âOpen your eyes and look at me,â he demanded, his voice losing its sharp edge, making way for an emotion you werenât sure you were ready to hear from him.Â
By God, he looked devastating. His breath ragged, chest rising up and down, jaw clenched so tightly you thought it might snap. His usual posh and classy look was missing as water dripped from his hair into his dark, unreadable eyes. And he looked absolutely furious.
âGo away,â you said, voice thin and cold, wrenching yourself from his grip. âLeave me alone.â
You stood up, but your legs wobbled, and he caught your arm before you could fall. His grip was tight, almost bruising. Your heart almost thudded out of your ribs when he pulled you close, both of his hands holding your shoulders now.
âStop it,â he barked, but his voice was hoarse. He shook his head, closing his eyes before opening them again with a shaky sigh. âWhy are you such a fucking pain in my ass? Iâm too old for this shit.â
He sighed sharply, his hand hastily pushing his wet hair away from his face in frustration. His other hand lingered at your arm, warm despite the storm, as he stepped in closer, lowering his voice. âI will bring the market to you next time, alright?â
The wind howled around you, but you didnât even notice. His fingers twitched like they were about to reach for you, but you turned your face away just about when he stopped inches away from your skin before he fisted his hand, his gritting teeth audible in the rain.
âIâll take you back,â he said, voice sharp again. âBefore you get yourself sick and make my life even more difficult than it already is.â
His hand clasped yours tightly as he pulled you along with him through the rain. His hand didnât leave yours until you reached the car, and maybe he felt bad for you, but when he grabbed your hand again when he started driving, it wasnât out of pity.
If anything, he held tighter. His hand found yours on your lap, his thumb softly caressing the still damp skin of your upturned hand, not letting go even when he had to swerve and turn. He said nothing. He stared ahead through the rain-blurred windshield, jaw clenched tight, knuckles white on the steering wheel, but he never let go.
And you didnât pull away either. Because even though your chest hurt from his words, the warmth of his palm over yours was the first thing all day that didnât feel cruel. It seemed to lull you into a short slumber even.
The soft brake of the car was what brought you back to sentience. You watched Hongjoong press some sort of button on his car before radio static comes to life from it. âThird wing master bedroom. Iâm going for a ride,â he said gruffly before he let go and pressed the bridge of his nose.
The chill of the storm probably disoriented you and you didnât understand, but when your door opened to be face to face with the gentle Seonghwa, you were a bit surprised to find that you were parked directly in front of the mansion front door.
âCome on,â he said quietly, holding onto your shoulders and not caring if you were wet, like he knew what you had already gone through. âLetâs get you warm.â
He guided and helped you get out but you yanked to a stop when you realized that something was stopping you - Hongjoongâs hand still entwined with yours. You turned your head toward him. Hongjoong hadnât moved, his eyes locked with yours, burning but hollowed out. And for a heartbeat, everything was still. The world, the storm, the ache in your chest.
But he let go, shutting the door softly before driving off to the night to God-knows-where. You wouldnât know, Seonghwa was already guiding you inside the mansion by your shoulders. His hands were gentle, his movements even more patient.
His eyes dropped into sympathetic comfort, his hand slightly squeezing your shoulders. He gently walked the both of you into the living room where the fireplace was already hot and going.Â
San was already there waiting for you, eyes wide with panic along with Jongho who handed him a thick blanket. âWrap up, yeah? Donât want you getting sick now,â he said, quickly bundling you to warm you up. âYou ran out during that storm? What the hell were you thinking?â
âGive her space, San,â Seonghwa said, but the relief in his voice was palpable. He handed you a mug of something warm, ginger tea, you guessed, and crouched down beside you, eyes soft. âWe were all looking. You scared us.â
Suddenly, Jongho dropped to his knees, bowing his head low, much to your surprise. âIâm sorry,â he blurted out. âI should have kept an eye, I didnât guard you enough.â
âW-What? No,â you frowned, hesitantly patting his head. âItâs not your fault. Youâre not my keeperââ
Before you could even answer, Wooyoung appeared behind him, surprisingly less loud but just as concerned. âYeah, you tell him that,â he scoffed softly, arms crossed to his chest, shaking his head slightly. âHongjoong almost killed him in sheer anger. Seriously, why did you do that?â
It was the most serious youâve ever seen the man, but of course, he was still as dramatic as ever. His eyes darted from you to the others before dramatically flopping onto the arm of the couch. âIâve never seen him like that before,â he chortled. âLike, ever. Hell, he doesnât even react that bad when me and my brothers get shot or something.â
âIt canât be that bad,â you murmured, fiddling with the blanket. âI wasnât even gone for long. I was going to come back.â
That was when all three of them looked at you like youâd grown a second head. âNot long?â Jongho echoed, his brows shooting up in disbelief. âYouâve been gone for hours, Y/N.â
âHongjoong practically tore the city apart,â San shook his head. âYou were gone for over five hours. Five. Thatâs not just a walk in the park, thatâs a goddamn vanishing act. I swear he was about to murder us if he couldnât find you.â
You blinked, confused. âHe wasâŚlooking for me?â
âObviously,â Wooyoung rolled his eyes, clicking his tongue. âIâve never seen him lose control like that before. But seriously, please donât do that again. Iâm not ready for Mingi to inherit the business in case Dad gets an aneurysm.â
You looked down at your lap, shame filling your lungs along with the thudding of your heartbeat. âI didnât mean to scare anyone.â
âBut you did,â Wooyoung muttered, but his tone wasnât offensive. âBut I get it. I do apologise on his behalf, though. He shouldnât have thrown money at you. That was unnecessarily cruel, even for him.â
Seonghwa gave your shoulder a squeeze. âYouâre safe now and thatâs all that matters. Hongjoong should be back shortly,â he helps you up once more. âCome along. You should wash up so you donât get sick.â
You thanked everyone before you let Seonghwa guide you into a part of the mansion youâve never been at, let alone the room he took you in before he bid you a goodnight with a promise to check on you the next day.
You sighed deeply, trudging your feet to the shower. Your heart swells the moment you opened that door, it smelled of Hongjoong. It was hard not to remember the way his fingers had clung to yours, how they didnât tremble until after heâd let go, the entire time you washed up and got ready for bed.
When morning came, your eyes fluttered open when the first ray of sunshine hit your face, but you didnât want to get up - the sheets smelled faintly of sandalwood and something distinctly him, and that the pillow cradled your head felt like a welcome comfort.
For a second, you had, perhaps, thought that everything was a dream, but when you rubbed your eyes and made a move to get up, you were completely startled awake to see the last person you ever thought youâd see the moment youâd opened your eyes.
Hongjoong was fully dressed in a crisp black turtleneck and slacks, hair slightly tousled, as he typed something furiously into his laptop. He didnât look up when you stirred, but you noticed the subtle clench of his jaw.
âI trust you slept well?â Hongjoong asked, lowering his glasses to stare straight at you.
You willed for your heartbeat to stop thumping so much for fear of him hearing it. You stared straight back at him, noticing the faint shadow under his eyes. âI suppose so,â you said. âYou didnât, though.â
âIâll say,â he shut his laptop off, reaching for a folder beside it, before leaning on the couch, crossing his arms, his sharp eyes trained on you. âYou did sleep on my bed, after all.â
You blinked, the words not sinking in your morning-addled brain yet, but when it did, your mouth dropped open in surprise. âI-Iâm so sorry,â you blurted out, heat pooling in your lower belly at the information. No wonder the entire room smelled like him. âI didnât sleep here on purposeââ
âI know,â he sighed. âI asked Seonghwa to bring you here. Lest you already forgot.â
He took his glasses off, rubbed the bridge of his nose like the weight of the world had been sitting there. âNext time, donât run off in a storm just to prove a point.â
âThat wasnât what I was doing,â you frowned.
He looked at you then, brief and unreadable. âThen what were you doing?â
âTrying to breathe,â you croaked, your voice dropping down to a whisper that you wouldnât be surprised if he hadnât heard it. âPlus, you looked all night for me.â
He didnât say anything at first. But the shift in his expression, the subtlety of it, was louder than words. âFreshen up and eat breakfast,â he muttered, tapping the folder in his hand twice. âI have a couple of questions for you.â
You werenât in the mood to argue with him, certainly not after his obvious attempt in shutting down the conversation completely. Unsurprisingly, your body still ached from last night. You opted for a quick brush of your teeth, tying your hair presentably.Â
The scent of you had me dizzy. I have to get out of here.
You didnât bother changing out of the pyjamas Seonghwa had provided for you since you didnât have clothes here. It would give you an out, and you werenât ready to face Hongjoong out of shame. Thatâs exactly what you did. You were about to slip out, when he cleared his throat.
âWhere are you going?â Hongjoong stared at you, brows raised.
You gulped, feeling like you were caught doing something you shouldnât. âUhm. Iâd hate to bother you further. Didnât you tell me to have breakfast?â
âI did,â he confirmed, gesturing towards a particular direction of the room. âWith me.â
Your brain almost shut off with the information. With him? He rolled his eyes, shaking his head as he stood up and opened the balcony door. Your heart practically leapt out of your chest, you were positive that the breakfast set up there wasnât present when you woke up. Had he instructed someone to set it up while you were in the bathroom?
This was the first time you were ever going to eat with Hongjoong. Not beside him, not five feet across the room like some barely tolerated shadow. With him. And worse, he was making you so nervous that you felt like youâd forgotten how to walk properly as you followed him out, sitting across him awkwardly, not knowing how to place your stiff limbs properly.
You didnât even register how your hands trembled until you reached for your fork and nearly knocked it off the table. You were just about to dig in, not knowing what else to do, when he stopped you. âWait,â Hongjoong halted you brusquely.
âW-What?â You froze, hand still mid-air, wondering if you did something wrong.
Instead of replying, Hongjoong reached over your plate and began digging into your food with his chopsticks. You narrowed your eyes in slight annoyance, ready to mouth at him for possibly controlling what you ate and picking at your food without asking, but your heart dropped to your feet by the time he was lifting his chopsticks back up again.
He picked out a couple of raisins from your plate, setting them on his plate one by one as if this wasnât the first time heâs done this. You stared, blinking rapidly to stop the sting behind your eyes. âI hate raisins,â you suspiciously pointed out.
He pauses, glances at you once through his lashes, before eating like you didnât say anything. And suddenly, your chest ached with the weight of all the things he wouldnât tell you. Before you could open that can of worms, he was already flipping open a folder he had brought to the table, effectively cutting off the topic with the sharp precision he was known for.
âI need you to look at a couple of faces for me,â he said, back in business as usual with his clipped utterrance. He slides the files towards you in one, smooth motion. âItâs imperative that you tell me immediately if you see a familiar looking face.â
You were confused, but you took the folder with ease, flipping through pages and pages of different photos of both men and women alike. Hongjoong staring dead into your soul was distracting, but you were sure you'd never seen these people before. You were going to tell him as such, until you stumbled upon the very last photo.
âHim,â you drawled out, surprised at both the face and yourself for pointing it out. âIâve seen him beforeâŚâ
The moment you showed him the photo, the tension in his shoulders snapped into visible rigidity. âWhere?â he demanded, his voice sharp and urgent. âWhere did you see him?â
Truth be told, you would have forgotten about the man if it wasnât for this. âI passed through him before I reached the park,â you frowned. âI remember him because he had this weird lip piercing.â
Hongjoong cursed under his breath, making the dread in your chest spread like a disease, before he hastily snatched the folder from your hands, his hands fisting the edge of the folder. âFinish your food, darling,â he said hurriedly, the darkness in his face making you nervous. âWeâre going for a little trip downstairs after.â
âI-I donât understand,â you frowned, doing as he says and stuffing your face with some bread. âYouâve been acting so damn weird lately, Iâve never seen this man in my entire life before yesterday.â
His head turned slightly, those unreadable eyes locking onto you again. âRather,â he said slowly, voice dipping towards something ominous. âYouâve never paid enough attention.â
You stopped mid-chew to stare at him. This was the longest conversation youâve had with Hongjoong and the foreboding feeling of potential sinisterness was the first thing he made you think about?
He held your gaze, his fingers curling gently around your chin. His voice dipped to a whisper, low and graveled, brushing across your skin like smoke. "Look closely," he murmured. âI want you to think about why youâre truly here.â
Your brows furrowed. âBecause my uncle sold me to youââ
âThink, Y/N. Think,â his tone laced with a cutting sort of irritation. âI know that desiccated, dried-up brain of yours still works.â
You rolled your eyes, the backhanded insult slicing through the tension with a bitter familiarity, but it didnât lessen the heat brewing behind your ribs. âI owe your uncle absolutely nothing,â he said, letting go of your chin with a scoff. âI couldâve killed him before you even set foot in this house.â
âHave you killed people?â You blurted out before you could stop yourself. He raised a brow like it was a question unworthy of a response. "A-Are you going to kill me?"
âDo you want me to?â Hongjoong countered, tilting his head.
Your blood began to thrum in your ears, anger bubbling up in your chest like acid. âIâm not that stupid, you know,â you whispered, your voice cracking with frustration. âIâm aware there are things Iâve no idea about, but I know what a lie tastes like when itâs shoved in my mouth.â
You looked back at the spread of photos heâd shown you. But something inside you stirred as your gaze landed on the photo again. It was faint, like a memory just out of reach and a sense of recognition that felt older than logic.
âHave you ever wondered,â Hongjoong said slowly. âWhy Iâve been so adamant in keeping you here?â
You opened your mouth, but he held up a hand. âNo,â he said. âForget that. Ask yourself this, have you ever wondered why your uncle took you in back then?â
Your heart stopped, but he wasnât finished. âSurely, he wasnât the only family you had. Worst of all, of all the people he could have sold you to, it had to be me. I know youâve done your research on who I am.â
Indeed, you did, and the Kim family was not to be messed around with. Your throat felt like it was closing. You wanted to speak, but your brain was too busy racing through every memory you had, trying to connect dots that refused to sit still. Was your uncle much, much worse than you gave him credit for?
Hongjoong leaned close just enough to make you squirm under the intensity of his focus. The movement was subtle, but it was calculated - a hunter testing the waters, seeing how far he could push without you breaking. âPredators donât fear prey,â he said. âThey fear another predator.â
A scream threatened to bubble from your chest just lying around the surface. His statement echoed in your head far, far worse than a broken record. It was the only thing you could think about the entire time you followed Hongjoong downstairs towards his office. You couldnât even lament what happened here the last time, the money he threw at you already cleaned up as if they were never thrown at you like dirty rags in the first place.
You didnât even notice that Mingi and Seonghwa were already in the office, seemingly waiting for the both of you to arrive and such, until Hongjoong started to talk to them again. âThis,â he slammed the folder rather harshly on the table directly in front of Seonghwa, who just took it in stride and opened the file. âThat snivelling bastard on the last page. I want him gone.â
âAnd you,â he turned back to you, eyes ablaze with newfound anger you didnât even know was already there. You raised a defiant brow, why was he looking at you like this was your fault. âYouâre not going out anymore, you hear me? Never let me repeat myself.â
You narrowed your eyes, the simmering tension in your bones finally boiling and tipping over into something far more dangerous than youâve ever felt. Your jaw ached from how hard you were biting down on your tongue, and the polite mask youâd worn like second skin started to peel.
Your feet started to march towards the bane of your existence like a bull who found the red spot. You didnât even care that Seonghwaâs mouth dropped slightly and he was subtly shaking his head, you still poked Hongjoongâs chest pointedly and boy, you were sure that hurt a little.
âYou could at least tell me why,â you snapped, your voice low and trembling with rage. He narrowed his eyes in warning, but you were done caring. âOr is it because you canât keep your dogs in line? Tightening my leash is the only way you wonât lose control over your goods? Maybe itâs not the outside world youâre afraid of, itâs that someone might realize your entire empire is built on fear.â
Silence. A sharp, immediate silence that sliced through the room like a guillotine. Mingi visibly stiffened, Seonghwaâs face paled, but Hongjoong? He started to laugh. At first it was soft, then it turned into a full-blown laughter so sarcastic, you wanted to cover your ears from the grating sound. âThe wolves are at my door, waiting for my empire to fall. I wonât let you destroy it just because you refuse to fall in line, brat,â he sneered.
You laughed, not out of humour. It was cold, sharp, and laced with every ounce of your pent-up exhaustion and rage. âFrankly?â You said, meeting his glare with one of your own. âI donât give a flying fuck. You want to talk about wolves? Look in the damn mirror, Hongjoong.â
You poked him twice more in his admittedly toned chest, and you did it hard, too, just so he could even an ounce of how heavy heâd made you feel. âIâm not some damsel you could fool around with just because I was thrust here. I wonât roll over just so you can stroke your ego.â
A slow, unreadable flicker crossed his face. His gaze sharpened, but his body relaxed, curious now, as he tilted his head, slowly. His expression didnât change much, but you saw it, that glint of something deeper. Respect? Amusement? Recognition? âShe bites,â Hongjoong murmured, his voice dropping to a note lower, smooth and quiet like a blade sliding from its sheath. He crossed his arms, a ghost of a smirk fleeting on his sinful lips. âFinally.â
He was still watching you, but it wasnât the same stare anymore. It wasnât the same power dynamic. You had shifted something, and he had noticed. âYouâve mistaken my compliance with submissiveness,â you replied, your voice steady, your pulse roaring in your ears. âIâm terribly sorry to tell you that youâre wrong.â
Hongjoongâs lips parted slightly, as if that, too, had surprised him. Or pleased him, you couldnât tell, but when his smirked widened, you almost faltered. You gritted your teeth, cursing whichever God had molded him for making this demon so devilishly handsome, it was maddening.
âThat doesnât negate the point, little darling,â he continued, still sharp as glass. âI built this kingdom with my soul, and I am the king of this goddamn empire. Whether you like it or not, you are in it. â
âIâll bow to your king when he shows himself,â you said, clipped and cut. It was a direct dig towards him, it was a deliberate show of disobedience, but you didnât flinch. You kept your chin up, gaze level as you started to walk away from him for the first time.
The adrenaline didnât wear off even hours later as you paced around your room in heated anger. But God, that felt good. Youâve never directly expressed your grievances towards someone else like that and now that youâve gotten a taste of it, you donât think you could hold your mouth longer around the menace that was Kim Hongjoong. It might get you killed, but at this point, death might be the only salvation youâll feel.
One was for sure - something had definitely changed ever since that nasty confrontation between the two of you. If before youâve barely seen even his shadow, lately all youâve been doing was butt heads with Hongjoong, and man, are you not happy about it.
âWas it you?â Hongjoong marched towards the living room one day with steam coming out of ears. âDid you set the thermostat at twenty-eight?â
âI did,â you sneered, not backing down. âNot everyone in this house has cold, dead blood like you.â
He scoffed in disbelief, pinching his nose bridge. âThis isnât a sauna, go outside where you belong if youâre so cold.â
You watched him stalk towards the thermostat, cranking the heat lower so roughly, you were a bit concerned it would break. Oh no you donât, you dictating bastard. You got up from the couch, pushing him away to crank the thermostat back to low before giving him the stink eye.
âFine,â he nodded stiffly, his glare so intense, it had you backing up slightly. âIâm locking it. Donât expect me to lower it when summer hits.â
It was the littlest of things that set the both of you off, but if you were being completely frank, you more or less enjoyed his annoyed reaction. Serves him right for all the months he put you down.
âYou finished all the cookies,â you glared at him heatedly one afternoon, pointing at the plate of half-eaten cookies that lay next to him on the coffee table as he read his newspaper. âI liked those cookies.â
He didnât even look up from the newspaper. âThatâs just too bad, isnât it?â
You yanked the paper from his hands. âYou donât even like cookies! They were for me.â
âI bought them for the house,â he glared, snatching it back.Â
âYeah?â You snarled, snapping your eyes towards the coffee mug you knew he was very, very particular about before a smug grin fills your face.
He stared in disbelief, his eyes widening at what you were about to do. âYou insolent brat, donât you dareââ
But it was too late, you gulped all his coffee in one go. You tried so hard not to grimace at the bitter taste, or else your pride will tank, but the redness in his face from sheer anger made it oh so worth it.
Everyone had definitely noticed at that point. Even the stoic Mingi would give his own father a dirty look whenever heâd catch that both of you mouth off to one another like you were in a damn competition. Woooyung, of course, was nonetheless fascinated about the turn of events.
âYou two act like an old married couple, I love it,â he cackled while he ate dinner with you as you glared at Hongjoongâs turned back when he instructed the chef to put more raisins in your plate just to spite you. âIâm slowly getting over how my stepmother will only be like a decade older than me if this is the entertainment Iâll get for the rest of my life.â
You scoffed, grabbing a piece of raisin with a deep frown. âItâs not my fault heâs a petty bastard,â you said, flicking the raisin towards Hongjoongâs ear with an accuracy you didnât even know.Â
Wooyoung laughed with you not-so discreetly while San paled ever so slightly at the scorching glare Hongjoong sent your way. âYou are something special, Y/N,â he shook his head. âBoss would have had our heads a long, long time ago for something less.â
Unfortunately, you couldnât fully finish your dinner. The taste of the raisins were so prevalent in the food even when youâve removed all of them that the taste of it just permeated all over the dish.
You sneaked in the kitchen at two in the morning where you knew no one would be up just so you could ravage in the cupboard for some midnight snack, but you were so wrong. You squeaked, blinking at Hongjoong who was in the middle of drinking water and he blinked back at you.
âCouldnât sleep from the guilt?â You asked, referring to you not eating dinner. And you knew that he knew, he was watching you the whole time smugly.
âNo,â he muttered. âJust the sound of your attitude echoing through the halls.â
You snorted. âWow. Youâre real original for someone who thinks being emotionally constipated is a personality trait.â
He scoffed, shaking his head as he walked past you towards the exit. âDonât hog all the snacks,â he brushed with your shoulder and it sent a zing of electricity through your spine. âMoney isnât as easy to come by, yes?â
âOh, Iâm sure youâre good at it,â you countered with a snarl. âIf being a raging psycho and asshole was your living, no wonder youâre filthy rich. Letâs not even mention your head count.â
You blinked as he walked back toward you. He stopped in front of you, his hands coming to rest beside your waist on the counter, trapping you. âWould you like to know my head count?â He asked, a ghost of a smirk playing on his lips. âIâd love to add you to that roster.â
You tried to breathe, his face was so close, your noses nearly brushed. His eyes dropped to your lips for the briefest moment before snapping back up. âBecause Iâve been real patient,â he muttered. âBut Iâm tired of your mouth lately.â
And as quickly as heâd closed in, he pulled away with a sharp inhale, the smirk curling wider as he turned on his heel. âSleep tight, darling,â he tossed over his shoulder, voice laced with poison and something dangerously sweet.
And just like that, he was gone, leaving behind blush on your cheeks, the thundering of your heart, and the faint scent of him clinging to your skin.
Usually, your banters were harmless. Dare anyone say that even though Hongjoong got under your skin, youâve never felt more alive than you did whenever youâd cross paths with him. You didnât know what it was; maybe it was because that finally, he wasnât avoiding you like the plague even though nothing nice came from that mouth of his.
But this time, you didnât know what completely set the both of you off. You just wanted to have lunch like normal, and today was very different, too. Usually youâd eat with one or two people only as everyoneâs schedules didnât quite align, but this time, even Seonghwa and Wooyoung were at the dining table.
You were laughing at something that Jongho had mentioned when Hongjoongâs cutting voice rang around the table. âCan you shut your mouth?â He snapped, cluttering his utensils against his paperwork. âIâm trying to concentrate here.â
You rolled your eyes. Ever since he got off a phone call he got before everyone started eating, heâs been in a horrible mood. âGet off the damn table if you canât handle basic human interaction,â you snapped back.
He stared you down, voice ice sharp. âYouâre not clever. Youâre a loud, useless distraction and an irritation everyoneâs sick of pretending to tolerate.â
âFather, stop it,â Mingi, who sat at Hongjoongâs left, shot back, eyeing the older man with warning. He turned to you and you almost faltered. How is it that his son was more intimidating than him? âAnd you. Youâre not helping.â
âNo, let her,â Hongjoong scoffed. âNo wonder your uncle gave you away. Youâre nothing but a liability.â
Patience was a trait you had that you were proud of, but not today. You can barely contain yourself, because that was a low, even for him. I'm sick to death of swallowing every single thing I'm fed. You slammed your hands on the table, rising swiftly, your chair scraping loudly against the floor. Everyoneâs eyes followed you, wide and stunned. âOh, give me a break, you belligerent, deluded, pompous prick,â you barked. The room stilled. You hadnât raised your voice, but the words hung in the air like glass about to shatter.
Even Hongjoong seemed to falter a bit before his eyes narrowed once more. âHave you lost your fucking mind?â He yelled so loud it echoed through the halls, making everyone flinch. âWatch your tone, you ill-mannered disgraceââ
You scoffed in disbelief. âThatâs tough shit coming from you whoâs done nothing but make me miserable here.â
âThat sounds like a you problem, darling,â Hongjoongâs eyes ticked.
âWell, to that, I say you're a cuntââ you were about to say, but your voice caught in your throat, the fierce words dying on your lips as a wave of dizziness swept over you. You faltered, mid-step, your knees threatening to give out.
He scoffed, the sharp edge of his haughtiness cutting through the silence. âGiving up already?â Hongjoong sneered with a smirk that promised he didnât believe you had the strength to stand your ground.
No, this was different than anything youâve felt before. Your breathing became laboured, the suddenness of it threatening the bile in your stomach to rise from your throat. You grabbed the nearest thing you could hold on to, but your grip slipped. âHold on,â San balked, grabbing your arm in mild concern before his face shifted. âY/N, are you okay?â
No, Iâm not, you wanted to say, looking straight at Hongjoong just as your steps wobbled and your vision blurred. It was when his expression cracked, panic flickered across his face, eyes widening with sudden concern, breath hitching as he reached out instinctively.
But before he could reach you, Jongho was there, his strong arms catching you just in time. âY/N? Oh, God,â he tapped your cheeks hardly, but to no avail, your eyes were closing. âStay awake, fuckââ
Hongjoongâs face, the devastated, unsettled look you werenât ready to see, and the way he grabbed your body was the last thing you registered before darkness swallowed you whole, but not before you heard Seonghwa mutter one word that would have made you faint regardless.
âPoison.â
All you could feel was pain. It hurt to try to move your limbs, it was more reminiscent of bones grinding against each other sharply against sandpaper, it hurt to take the smallest gulp of breath, hell, it hurt to even blink. It was like that car accident after your graduation all over again. Why did death love chasing after you? And why didnât you chase it back?
But this time was different. You werenât in a hospital bed, there were no nurses around, and there was none of that sterile scent you hated so much. Rather, there was warmth - warmth so comforting, you couldnât help but snuggle into it, burying your head in hopes for the ache to go away.
âFuckâs sake, Itâs been days, why hasnât she woken up yet?â
Even you could feel your subconscious frown at what you heard. Days. And you didnât even feel better about it. âGive her time, Joong. I mean, look at her, so frailââ
âFrail, my ass,â a rough, familiar voice snapped just as you felt your arms being squeezed so tight, it would have woken you up if you hadnât already. âSheâs my little fighter, poison isnât going to break her. Have you not heard the way she talks back to me?â
A deep laughter resonated through the entire room. It wasnât quite like Mingiâs - not that Hongjoong Jr. would ever act normal around you - no, but this was richer, familiar, even. If you could just open your eyes and see.
âI see she hasnât changed. Good to know youâre getting your moneyâs worth, Dad. You should go eat something. Anyway, I need a complete rundown, Hwa. I didnât fly here for nothing, and I need to go back soon. The longer I stay, the more danger we attract.â
The warmth you had disappeared followed by a door closing nearby. Silence envelops the room and the familiar sigh of Seonghwa fills it. âWell, like we said, itâs poison. Someone who isnât supposed to be here is here.â
âBut how? What are the odds? It couldâve been anyone at that dining table. You think itâs Yoo Jaehwan?â
âWho else? To do it not only in his house, but right in front of Hongjoongâs faceâŚwhoever did it is asking for death.â
âShouldâve seen your fatherâs face,â San clicked his tongue. âI swear something inside him died.â
âWell, fuck, maybe because she couldâve died?â The familiar, deeper voice counteracted with a sass that knocked in your memory. âBecause thatâs not just a wife heâs protecting, thatâs someone heâd burn the world for.â
âAnyhow. We should come back later. I have to check on your father to see if heâs eating or I might have to get your older brother to tie him up or something.â
Half of that conversation went through your head. You werenât a total idiot, you knew what most of it entailed, but all you could think about was the missing warmth that enveloped you. You forced yourself to come to, your weak arms supporting your upper body as you tried to sit up. It was hell as your eyelids fluttered open against a dull ache pounding in your skull, but you needed to move your stiff limbs before they started to throb from prolonged unuse.
Just then, the door opened. Silently, carefully, like doing so would trigger another bout of faintness in you and you were met with the surprised eyes of Hongjoong. He froze in the doorway like heâd walked in on something sacred.
For a moment, he just stood there, unmoving. Then, the tension in his shoulders released slightly, only to be replaced by something else entirely - pure, unadulterated relief. You didnât have to touch him to know that he was the warmth that kept you stabilized the entire time you rested.
He started to walk toward you in slow, controlled steps. His glasses were gone, his hair a mess, and there was a tremble in the hand that rolled up the sleeves of his unusually wrinkled shirt like heâd been gripping it in fistfuls.
Most of all, his eyes were tired. He sat on the bed next to you, his eyes never leaving yours, and you thought that was it. You certainly werenât prepared for the way he lightly gripped your shoulders to pull you into a hug, and just like that, the warmth youâve been craving for had returned.
âGet off,â you rasped weakly, but your voice betrayed the fight you didnât have in you. Still, your pride flared, because nothing stung more than collapsing in front of him.
He didnât budge. âDonât even try,â he said through clenched teeth, his arms tightening around you. âStay still and let me have this even for a moment.â
It was in the way he gripped you too tightly, in the quiet desperation of that whispered please. You didnât even realize he was trembling slightly. His arms werenât caging you, rather, he was a man holding on to you as if he was sinking at the bottom of the ocean and you were the balance he needed to stay afloat.
Pride be damned. You wrapped your arms around him, silent tears falling from your eyes as you held onto him. This was all you wanted, what you didnât have back then when you had nobody. The prospect of never waking up was settling into you and you didnât have enough strength to keep holding it in together.
âIâm still angry at you,â you sniffled.
âGet angrier. The sooner you get your strength back, the sooner you can talk back again like the brat you are,â he shushed, the tremble in his hand now visible at the way he smoothed the damp strands away from your face along with your tears.
âAs touching as this is, I believe we have more pressing matters at hand.â
You tried to pull away, but Hongjoong wasnât letting you - though if you were being honest with yourself, you didnât even really want to - so you opted to look over your shoulder at the source of the voice.
Hongjoong groaned when you pushed him away, your breath caught in your throat. Your eyes widened slowly, your hand flying up to cover your mouth in shock. âY-Yeosang?â You whispered, like saying his name too loud might shatter the fragile reality in front of you.
The man in question stood from the plush armchair, casual in his posture but carrying an unmistakable grin, one you hadnât seen in years. âThe one and only,â Yeosang said with a lopsided smile, walking toward you. âHow have you been, Miss Jeong?â
You stared at him in disbelief, the air knocked clean from your lungs. âI-I havenât seen you sinceâŚâ your voice faltered, because the rest of that sentence hung heavy in your throat.
Yeosang seemed to know what you meant without you saying it, because his expression softened as he gently pulled you into a hug. âY-Youâre the last person I expected to see here,â you mumbled against his shoulder, pulling back to get a proper look at him. âWait, what are you doing here?â
The both of you turned around to look at Hongjoong when he cleared his throat. âYou wretch,â he looked pointedly at Yeosang with a bitter scowl. âArenât you supposed to be down there with everyone?â
Yeosang scoffed, rolling his eyes so dramatically you were surprised they didnât get stuck up his skull. âYou were the one who called me and threatened to cut my allowance if I didnât fly here soon,â he deadpanned as he pulled away from you to stand up. âRelax, she was my mentor. Iâm allowed to say hello, Dad.â
Your eyes flew between the two men in shock. âDad?â You blurted out. âHow many kids do you have? Because holy shââ
âSoon to be two if this one doesnât shut his trap,â Hongjoong hissed. âI can still cut your allowance, Kang Yeosang. Donât test me.â
âOh, please. You need me,â he chuckled sarcastically, tapping on the stethoscope he had around his neck that you didnât notice was there. You stared at him proudly, remembering the young Yeosang who always told you of his dreams to become a doctor one day back then.
âAnyway, you need to get out of here, Dad,â Yeosang said in urgency. âMingi will take care of everything. Itâs good training for the future, anyway. We need to purge your staff and I need to test every single surface of the manor to see if thereâs more antifreeze contamination.âÂ
Goosebumps erupted on your skin. Antifreeze. It was how you found yourself saying goodbye to Yeosang, with the promise of catching up as soon as everything was safe, and then the others before you were dressing up to go with Hongjoong to his supposed safe house.
âI can walk, you know?â You frowned when Hongjoong walked beside you the whole time, steadying you with a firm hold on your elbow. You hated how flustered it made you - how close he was, how natural it felt.
He glanced at you once, opting to ignore you as he opened the car door for you. But just before you could step in, he stilled. Hongjoong plucked a single sunflower and he tucked it carefully behind your ear. His eyes didnât meet yours, but his touch lingered longer than necessary.
Your heart stuttered so sharply it almost hurt. It fluttered against your ribs, traitorous and soft, the way it always did when he did something gentle without meaning to. The warmth of his fingers near your cheek lingered longer than the sunflower itself.
He helped you into the backseat, settled beside you without hesitation, and closed the door. You thought heâd pull away once the engine started. You thought heâd sit back in his own thoughts like always.
But he didnât. He pulled you close, gently but without question, and you leaned against his chest. His arm wrapped around you, fingers curling slightly against your side, grounding you. He held you the entire ride. And for the first time in days, the ache in your chest quieted.
âWhere are we going?â You couldnât help but ask, giving in to what your body currently needed and letting yourself lean onto his firm chest for once.
âMust you always ask irrelevant questions?â Hongjoong sighed.
You scoffed softly, thumping on his chest lightly. âHow do I know youâre not leading me to my death?â
âAre you stupid?â Hongjoong snapped, his eyes widening slightly in irritation. You met them with an equal force of annoyance. He sighed exasperatedly, already sick of your antics. âOne of my rest houses. Itâs on the far end of the city, almost near the suburbs. You should sleep.â
âWould you still hold me when I wake up?â You croaked, not knowing what you were thinking when you blurted the words out.
His thumb, which had been idly brushing against your arm, stilled. You didnât dare look up, didnât even breathe, until you felt the slow, deliberate way his hand curled tighter around you. âYes, darling,â he murmured, fixing the flower on your ear before fixing your hair.
It was infuriating, really, how a man who so easily sliced you open with his words could undo you completely with a simple touch. Your pulse betrayed you, and you didnât dare look at him, afraid he might see just how deeply that one small act had shaken you.
You couldnât sleep, not after that. Not while Hongjoong held you in his arms the entire time, his hand brushing your hair away from your face every fifteen minutes and he did so until the car stopped moving and he was helping you get down again.
âEasy, there,â he frowned when you took the wrong step and almost tripped.
âDonât pretend you care now,â you raised a brow, even as your fingers curled instinctively into the fabric of his shirt.
âI donât,â he said too quickly, too defensively. But he was still holding you like you were made of glass and you couldnât help but fist the front of Hongjoongâs shirt. He didnât push you away and neither did you pull away.Â
Surprisingly, the rest house was of modest stature, situated in the middle of a small town. It was smart, blending in would be easy. It was simple and cozy, there was the typical small kitchen, a bathroom, and one bedroom with one bed. You stared. Hongjoong stared back.
âWeâll manage,â he said as he set the bags down, looking away and avoiding eye contact. âItâs easier to keep an eye on you this way.â
You opened your mouth to object, but your mouth wasnât cooperating with your mouth today. âI-I'd love to sleep with you,â you blurted out without thinking.
Hongjoong froze mid-step, one brow raising with almost comical precision. It wouldâve been endearing since youâve never seen the usually poised man this caught-off guard before, but right now, you wanted to dig a hole, crawl in it, and never see the light of day again.
âI mean sleep as in literally sleepâI didnât, I meant to say I donât mind sleeping with you, uh, literallyâoh my God,â you stammered, hands flying up to cover your face in pure panic.
âWhy donât you, uh, relax on the balcony while I do this?â Hongjoong said, and you didnât miss the smirk on his face as he turned back to the bag he was unpacking.
You slept facing opposite sides that night. But somehow, the air between you was tighter than before. You lay stiffly on your back, eyes on the ceiling, acutely aware of every tiny shift in the sheets with each of his movements. âCan you stop fidgeting too much?â Hongjoong clicked his tongue. âIâm not going to eat you.â
You scoffed softly. âYou donât hear me complain about your awful breathing sounds.â
âYou want me to stop breathing, then?â
âThatâs literally not what I said,â you turned sharply toward him, only to find him already watching you. The two of you blinked at each other in silence. Eventually, you turned away again, cheeks burning, pulling the covers over your head.
You tried to find a comfortable position to sleep on, tossing and turning until your body felt right, but when the right angle had your leg up on Hongjoongâs by accident, he didnât move, and neither did you.
And when you woke up the next day with your arm wrapped around his chest with his own arm cradling your head to his neck, you both didnât say a word about it, but he didnât move, and neither did you. âHongjoong,â you rasped, half of your brain still dead from the world. â...Joong.â
âHmm?â He hummed huskily from sleep, the vibrations of his chest traveling straight to your spine.
âIâm hungry,â you said. âHavenât eaten since last night.â
You felt him turn his head, his lips touching your hairline directly, the warmth of it searing on your skin. âFive more minutes,â he replied hoarsely. âCan you do that for me?â
You nod groggily while he molded you closer to him, your cheek pressing just a little firmer to the warm space beneath his collarbone. âGood girl,â he whispered softly, low, and utterly wrecked by sleep.
Your body tensed like someone had just poured ice water down your head. Your eyes snapped open as you felt your throat tighten, not daring to move or breathe too loud. You just lay there, heart hammering wildly in your chest, trying to pretend like you hadnât just short-circuited. âAre you drinking my coffee?â he snapped at you the next day, catching sight of your cup. âAgain?â
Just like that, the both of you were back to bickering like normal. âItâs not my fault you bought me that shitty sugar-free crap that tastes like nothing,â you said, sipping smugly. âPlus, your coffee tastes better.â He crossed his arms, narrowing his eyes in annoyance. âItâs black with three shots of espresso. You canât handle that.â âI can handle you, canât I? Nothing worse than that.â He scoffed loudly in disbelief, muttering about how the younger generation was disrespectful before he snatched the cup and handed you a water bottle instead. âHydrate before you pass out on me.â
You frowned, fully irritated at your caffeine being stolen. âHey, I wasnât donââ âAnd you call that breakfast?â He looked pointedly at your sad-looking toast. âItâs no wonder why I mistake your brain for an ornament sometimes.â You didnât even get a chance to shoot back at his arrogance before he rolled his eyes but took your plate, setting down a neatly packed bento box. âEat something thatâs actually worth eating. Fuckâs sake, do I really have to do everything around here?â
The both of you went on like that for days, and as maddening as Hongjoong was, you were somehow thankful for how normal everything felt, though now, the change between you and Hongjoong was starting to become evident.
âHow long would it take for you to clean this entire house?â He asked one day out of the blue. He stared disapprovingly at the phone in your hand. If you didnât know any better, youâd think he was riling you up just to get a reaction out of you.
Your eyes ticked, but you didnât look up at him. âIt depends on how many helpers you want me to hire.â
âWhy would you hire cleaners?â Hongjoong frowned.
âYou asked.â
He scoffed, clearly displeased at the response. âNo, I asked you. If youâre going to live here, you might as well do something that lessens the burden you put on me.â
âI did,â you shot back, finally looking up, mildly offended at the insinuation. âI made you dinner every night, one that you refused to eat.â
âWho told you I didnât?â He raised a brow. Your expression froze, but before you could say anything, he waved a hand. âAnyway, you still need to clean. If Iâm paying for your shit, I need something in return.â
Your mind was still reeling at the things unsaid between the lines. âWhy the hell would I be doing free labour for you?â
âWellââ
You cut him off, refusing to go down. âI just got poisoned, in case you forgot. I should be resting, for Godâs sake.â
âAnd I took you here to recuperate,â he replied sarcastically. âWhat now, then?â
âWhat about the times I had to deal with your grumpy ass? I donât see you paying for my mental state.â You retorted back, putting your phone away to stand up to him.
He paused, blinking repeatedly in thought. âI could get you a therapist.â
âYes,â you smiled brightly, a little too brightly. âI could also hire helpers to clean this house.â
His ears and neck redden in sheer frustration, and from here, you could see his mind malfunction slowly. âShut up,â he muttered, refusing to admit you one-upped him.
âWell, why donât you shut me up, then?â
You stilled, realizing what you just insinuated. His lips quirked, smug and amused, like heâd won a round you didnât realize you were playing as he shook his head.
The nighttimes werenât any better either. It was like bickering was both of yoursâ defense mechanisms. âTurn off the light,â you yawn from under the covers.
âYou turn it off,â Hongjoong replies from his side, brows raised in defiance. âYou got in bed last.â
You groan, swing your legs over dramatically, but just as you reach the switch, the light clicks off behind you. You turn and find Hongjoong smirking, holding a small remote control in his hand. âWeâre supposed to be a team here,â you hissed. âThere is no âIâ in team.â
âNo, but there is in idiot,â he grinned.
Your mouth dropped, charging at him to hit him over and over again with a pillow, and he didnât even let out a single sound as he deflected your so-called attacks. You huffed, trying to push off him, but the sheets had other plans. And truth be told, so did some strange, traitorous part of you.
Eventually, you both gave up, tangled under the blankets, breaths evening out against shared warmth. Once again, neither of you moved. In the hush that followed, you felt his thumb barely brush against your arm where it rested across his chest. You didnât speak. You didnât need to.
And it would have stayed like that if it werenât for the heavy weight that settled on your chest in the middle of the night. Literally. When you opened your eyes, an arm was pressing down your chest and you were met with Hongjoongâs glaring eyes.
âWhatââ, you were about to say when he covered your mouth hurriedly. He puts his finger to his lip to shush you and in your peripheral, you could see his arm slowly raising up a gun as he pointed at the door. Your eyes widen and your heart drops - someone was in the house.
Hongjoong didnât say a word. He shifted, slow and precise, the mattress barely creaking as he slipped off it and tiptoed towards the door. You clutched the sheets to your chest, your breath lodged somewhere in your throat as the door clicked open. It was silent; too silent.
Bang. Bang. Pause. Bang. Bang.
Your ears rang. You flinched with each shot, your hands shaking as you sat in the dark, unable to move, unable to breathe. You shut your eyes, covering your eyes to will all the sounds to stay distant, the reality of who Hongjoong was dawning on you. It was just a couple of weeks ago when you asked him whether he had killed or not.
The door creaked open again, slower this time. You jumped, expecting the worst, but Hongjoong stepped in quietly, expression unreadable, but the blood spattered across his cheek told you more than words ever could. The gun was nowhere to be found.
He didnât speak as he walked to the bed, just sat down at the edge and looked at you, eyes searching. You reached out, wiping the blood off gently. He closed his eyes at the touch, but it was enough. No words were exchanged, and there was nothing either of you could say that would ease the fear that settled in your gut.
So instead, he slipped under the covers again, pulled you into his chest, arms wound tightly around your body, trembling just a little. You closed your eyes, your hands digging onto his hand so hard, your fingertips might as well embed themselves on his skin.
âI wish my creator would tenderly wrap me in their own clothes to keep me sane and protected,â you murmured in the silence of the night. âGod has abandoned us and my uncle was a cruel substitute.â
âShould we choose to remain here together, would you forget the world thatâs waiting outside?â Hongjoongâs hand held yours just as tight. âWould you let the world fall away, if only for a while?â The world has fallen the moment I set my eyes on you. You nodded, shivering when he tucked a finger under your chin, pulling your face closer to his to press the softest of kisses upon your lips as if the both of you had been holding your breath for years, and this, it was the first exhale. If only for a while.Â
You woke to an emptiness you hadnât expected. The bed was still warm where heâd lain, but without Hongjoongâs arms around you, you felt oddly cold. But that wasnât what woke you up. It was the voices that came from the living room, one of which was Hongjoongâs, and you didnât have to listen in to know that he was in a heated argument with someone.
You tiptoed out quietly, careful not to make a sound, peeking from behind the hallway wall. Hongjoong lounged on the couch like it was his throne, legs spread, an elbow draped over the armrest with a smirk that screamed arrogance, like danger wrapped in lazy elegance.
The man standing in front of him, however, was anything but calm. He was tall, broad-shouldered, about the same age as Hongjoong, and radiating heat like a bonfire about to explode. His fists were clenched at his sides, jaw tight with restraint.
âYouâve got some nerve,â the stranger ground out. âKeeping her hidden this whole time like some secret you planned to hoard. If my men didnât hear the gunshots the other day, I wouldnât have known, you sick fuck.â
Your breath hitched. They were talking about you. Hongjoong chuckled, crossing his legs exaggeratedly. âThe only regret I have is that I didnât bring suppressors. We would have been out of here before you knew it. â
âYou bastard,â the tall man gritted his teeth, stepping closer to Hongjoong. âThis is my territory, you donât get to waltz in here with my niece and pretend I wouldnât kill you for it.â
Your ears rang at two words - territory and niece. This man was in the same business as Hongjoong was, and apparently you were this manâs niece. Slowly, you stepped out from behind the hallway wall, the silence in the room growing razor-sharp with each step.
Hongjoongâs back stiffened, but the other manâs posture tenses completely at the sight of you. âY/N,â he whispered, as if disbelieving he was seeing you in the flesh. âItâs really youâŚâ
You stared at the man closely. He looked familiar, it clawed at the edges of a memory you didnât know you still had. It wasnât the way he moved; it was the way his eyes mirrored someone elseâs eyes that you thought youâd never see again after all these years - your fatherâs.
And then, it hits you. You remembered the way his huge hands held yours every time he offered to babysit when both of your parents worked. His younger, puppy-like features were slowly coming to life in your head. âUncle Yunho,â you blurted, eyes wide.
Yunhoâs head jerked up, like he hadnât dared hope you'd remember. âYeah,â he said hoarsely. âItâs me, kid.â
Your knees nearly buckled, threatening to fall under the weight of the missing family that you could have had instead of your other uncle. Hongjoong was immediately by your side, catching you in his arms and holding you close and sitting you down beside him. âYou canât just come barging in here like you did,â he hissed. âYouâre in my house, I could kill you and no one would know.â
âIâm her blood, you blithering fool,â Yunhoâs lips twisted into fury. âYouâre the idiot that dragged her into this mess when she had a family - me.â
Hongjoongâs expression darkened. âYou werenât there---â
âAnd you think you were the better option?â Yunho growled. âYouâre like, what? A good thirteen years or so older than her? Youâre too damn old to be with her!â
That made Hongjoong stand, slow and deliberate, his stance loose but lethal. âAnd who the fuck are you to tell me that? You werenât there when shit hit the fan, donât get too cocky now.â
âI would have been if you didnât hide her from me,â Yunho scowled bitterly.
You barely registered your own shallow breathing, still stuck on the fact that your fatherâs older brother was there all along. All this time, you thought you were alone - that you had no one. Yunhoâs eyes followed the sound, and when he saw you, all the anger on his face softened instantly.
He was about to walk towards you, but Hongjoong quickly raised a hand to stop him. âOne more step and I swear Iâll end you right here,â he snarled. If you werenât sitting beside him, you wouldnât have noticed the way his eyes shifted into something a little more desperate.
Yunho scoffed, crossing his arms. âI wouldnât act like this if I were you, Kim. Youâve had her in your manor all this time. By mafia standards, you shouldâve married her within the first month. Why havenât you? Did you want to keep her locked up like a secret no one else can touch? Or are you just dragging her through the mud?â
You flinched, the implication sinking in like stones in your gut. You immediately locked eyes with Hongjoong whose expression dropped, shaking his head ever so slightly as you stared at each other. That was right, why hasnât Hongjoong married you yet? Come to think of it, the both of you havenât even talked about anything marriage related - the date, the venue, the vowsâhell, not even a promise.
Just tension, stolen touches, sleepless nights and a thousand unsaid things hanging heavy in the air. You swallowed thickly, trying not to let the sting of Yunhoâs words show, but it was too late. Or worse, was he planning to secretly give you back to your uncle after all?
âDonât listen to him,â he said tightly, crossing the room in three strides. His arm wrapped around you possessively, like shielding you from Yunho would shield you from the doubt unraveling in your chest. âSheâs mine, Jeong. Get lost. Itâs not like that, and you know it.â
Yunhoâs lips pressed into a thin line. But he relented, lifting his hands in a gesture of peace. âFine,â he muttered, then turned to you, his expression softening. âIâll be back.â
You hesitated as you watched your uncle walk away, but something tugged at your heart. You pried yourself free from Hongjoongâs tight, possessive arms, despite his protests, to run as fast as you could to follow Yunho out. The chill of the morning rain bit at your skin as you stepped into the yard. âWait, please!â
Yunho turned to face you fully. The hardness melted from his face, and in its place was something unbearably gentle. He completely halted in his steps, letting the rain soak through as he watched your pitiful form catch up to him. âY/Nââ
âThereâs something I donât understand,â you murmured, voice unsure. âI-I needed you when I was alone, I had no one. But why now? Why didnât you ever come for me?â
He sighed, taking his trench coat off to gingerly put it over your head as a deterrent for the pouring rain. âI did,â he said quietly. âBelieve me, I did. I never stopped. Even if I didnât find you here, I still wouldnât have stopped.â
And that, that was what broke you. Tears filled your eyes, sadness and relief pouring over you in waves. âAre youâŚin the same business as Hongjoong?â You asked wearily. âWere my parents?â
He pursed his lips, patting your head. It made your tears flow faster. Yunho had your fatherâs face, albeit older and more rounded. âThere are so many things you donât know,â he said softly. âThings you would have if you wouldâve been with me when your parentâs died. Itâs better this way. Iâm still enraged that that bastard hid you from me, but heâll keep you safe.â
But what did you know at this point? It was what plagued your mind the entire walk inside the house after Yunho had left after promising to catch up on lost time. You clutched the wet, dripping coat that still carried Yunhoâs familiar scent in your hands that wrapped around your senses, nostalgia hitting you full-force.
You didnât look up at Hongjoong, the haze of all the memories - of what could have been - attacking your mind. âWhy didnât you tell me?â You began, voice cracking, looking up at him with emotionless eyes. âYou knew andââ
âWould you have gone with him if you knew?â Hongjoong cut off, the familiar sharpness in his eyes pinning you from where you stood.Â
âI donât know that,â you replied sarcastically. âHow could I give you something I had no idea about the entire time?â
âOh, for the love of fucking God, Y/N. This, this is what pisses me off about you the most,â he snapped, stepping close, his gaze darkening. âContrary to your belief, Iâm not as callous as you deem me to be, and there are reasons for the things that I do around hereââ
âAnd what about me?â Your hands balled at your sides. âWhat about the life I was robbed of? You donât know what Iâve been through, you prick, the things that I had to endure. Yunho was right - you donât want to marry me, in fact, you fucking hate me, donât you? I didnât even want any of this in the first place!â For the first time, Hongjoongâs expression fell, and you didnât know what to feel about it. He was a beautiful man with a soul full of venom and a heart you werenât convinced actually beat, but right now, his expression only told you one thing - I do, I do know what youâve been through. His hand twitched at his side, and the muscle in his jaw jumped. âDonât you dare say that.â
âWhy not?â You seethed, shoving him backward with both hands. âBecause itâs true, isnât it? You had no plans in marrying me, but then again I was nothing but sold goods to you, I wouldnât be surprised if you end up killing me in a ditch somewhereââ
Something snapped in him. He pushed you back until you stumbled against the wall. The air was electric. âShut your mouth,â he seethed, but his voice was breaking, furious and wounded all at once. âYou would have gone with Yunho, I donât want you to go with him. You faltered, taken aback by how possessive he sounded. "I donât need to see you walking away from me when we had just begun. You want to know why I didnât tell you? Iâve already given up enough and Iâm not giving you up again.â
Again? He just stood there, panting, one hand curled in a fist over his chest like the words had ripped something open in him. âYou wouldnât understand,â he snarled, shaking his head vehemently. âYou never do.â
The silence afterward was deafening. You stared at him, chest heaving, tears hot and furious in your eyes, the confusion swirling in your head even more. It might be part of why your mouth moved on its own in either the best or worst decision of your life. âSo make me,â you whispered in quiet desperation. âIâm so tired of being kept in the dark, I know youâre hiding things from me, make me understandâ-â
He surged forward without warning, cupping your jaw as his mouth found yours like it had been searching, starving, waiting across lifetimes. The kiss was bruising, breath-stealing like he needed to taste the ache in your throat and the anger in your blood just to prove you were real. You gasped against him, and it was his undoing.
Your back hit the wall again, but it didnât matter anymore. Not when his lips softened slightly, tracing the corner of your mouth like an apology. Not when his breath was hot and reverent against your cheek, your jaw, your throat. His forehead fell against yours, both of you breathless. âTell me to stop,â he rasped, voice shaking as his thumb brushed your lip, swollen from his kiss. âTell me now and I will.â
But your fingers were already curling into his shirt, pulling him close. âI canât,â you whispered, voice wavering. âDonât make me.â
And that was all it took. Your lips refused to part from his as he pulled you to the couch, there was no way the both of you were reaching the bedroom, your clothes slowly peeling themselves away from your bodies all the while your tongues clashed against one another. His hands roamed with reverence, memorizing every tremble, every sigh. You didnât know where you ended and he began - just that the space between your bodies was no longer enough.Â
âOh, fuck,â his lust-addled voice sounded through the hush whispers of the intimacy you both found yourselves in. âYouâre beautiful, I knew youâd be, fuckâŚâ
You couldnât even have the nerve to cover your naked body as you stood in front of him; not when he was looking at you like you were the only salvation left in a world gone mad. He grabbed your hips, positioning you until you were straddling him as he sat plush on the couch. âYou donât have to do a thing, darling, Iâll take care of you,â he pressed a thumb on your swollen lips. âWould you let me?â
You nodded, feeling feverish in your head as he placed his hand on your hips, his hardness poking you in the spot where you wanted him the most. âY-Yeah,â you said. âPlease, I-I need you.â
The world could wait. Right now, it was just the two of you both bared, bruised, and still reaching for each other in the dark. He lifted your hips up, lowering you slowly onto his aching cock until your foreheads were clashing with each other. âY/N,â he whispered, straining, summoning chills through your ears. âIâll make it up to you next time, Iâm not going to last. Itâs been a while for me.â
You tilted your head, biting your lips to stop the lewd sounds threatening to come out from you. âW-What do you mean? You havenât been with o-others?â
Hongjoong shook his head with an earnest smile. âNo. Why would I when I have you?â
Your eye contact didnât break even when Hongjoong pushed your plump ass to grind on him, your eyes fluttering shut as you moaned out earnestly. Your fingers tangled in his hair, his breath warm at your collarbone, and when his name left your lips, it prompted him to snap his hips up to meet your grinding.
âHongjoong, ngh, fuck,â you gasped out, mouth slacked open at the force of his thrusts, your breasts bouncing their way freely at the pace he set. âH-HongjoongâJoong.â
You both finally let yourselves feel it all. Not just the passion, but the ache of the longing between you both. You held his face between your hands when his eyes fluttered closed, and for once, he looked unguarded. âMmm, ah, yes, yes, yes,â were all the sounds you could make amidst the skin slapping against skin as Hongjoong continuously pulled you up and down on his cock. âMore?â Hongjoongâs voice trembled at the pleasure clouding his brain. âYou canât leave me, alright? Not when Iâm making you feel so good like this.â
You nodded, mouth still open, snapping your eyes close in the pleasure of Hongjoongâs nails digging in your hips, scratching a line all the way to your chest until his hands were grabbing onto both of your plush tits. âSo fucking good,â he growled, his other hand traveling to your head, grabbing your hair. âCome here.â
Your lips met into a feverish kiss, your heated moans of lust and longing being swallowed by Hongjoongâs sinful mouth, and when you subconsciously squeeze his impaling cock, it was his turn to groan into your lips and bite onto your lower lip until you opened to let his wild tongue mess with yours. The moans that fell from the both of you created a dizzying sound in combination of the wet tongue kiss and the slapping of his balls up your ass.
âTouch me, please,â you begged, grabbing onto his hand down to your throbbing clit. âT-Touch m-me, I need to come, Joong, p-please.â
âFuck, youâre going to be the death of me,â he groaned, immediately drawing circles on your swollen bud, instantly drawing a garbled scream from you. âThatâs it, baby, fuck me. Ride my fucking cock, yes.â
You had not once paused from bouncing, continues fucking yourself ardently onto his thick, intruding cock until you were nothing but a senseless doll. âYou donât understand how long Iâve wanted this,â he rasped, his voice rough and uneven, his lips kissing and sucking every surface of your skin he could claim.Â
âIâve wanted you long before the day you looked me in the eye at that dining table. Each day was a risk I couldnât afford to take, but God, I wanted you anyway. Every day. In every fucking way.â
He kissed you again, deeper, needier. It wasnât just hunger - it was reprieve. Years of restraint burning away in the heat of a single truth finally spoken aloud. You were what he wanted. Always had been.
âJoong, a-ah, that feels so good,â you moaned out, all sense of mind gone from the feeling of him finally ravishing you the way you always wanted. âJust like that, say my name,â he gritted out, cupping your face tenderly in contrast to this thrusts, his eyes lidded and desperate. âIâve waited so long to hear you say my damn name, baby, please, Iâm begging you.â
âHongjoong,â you let out, loud and clear. His cock twitched in your cunt, but you werenât done yet. This was a man you had no problem seeing all of you. âHongjoong, Hongjoong, Hongjoong.â
Soon enough, you exploded. It wasnât the delicious rubbing of his fingertips in between young legs that or how deep his cock fucked that undid you, though that was a huge factor, but it was the way he kissed you, the way he looked at you like you hung the stars in the sky for him to admire. âOh, Iâm comâHongjoong, Joong, Joongââ
Hongjoong didnât last much longer. With his final thrusts, Hongjoong lifted his hips to fuck into you until all the both of you had was mind-blowing blankness fulled with heat and lust. Overstimulation coiled in your groin as your eyes rolled in the back of your head, your little whimpers spurring Hongjoong on until he came with a loud groan and spilled inside of you.
Everything slowed down with you slumped completely onto Hongjoongâs rising chest, meeting yours as you both tried to catch your breaths. The sex was fast, but it was all the both of you needed. âGood girl,â he whispered, turning your face to his for a quick kiss. âMy good girlâhey, you donât have to move yet, stay.â
You pulled out anyway, whimpering slightly at the sensation of Hongjoongâs cum dripping onto your thighs as you bent down to give him a kiss in return before sitting comfortably on his lap and laying your head on his chest, resting your head onto the crook of his neck as his arm quickly wrapped around you protectively. âItâs okay,â you whispered, your eyes slowly closing, your breath evening.
âYou want to stay like this?â Hongjoong asked fondly, his fingers lazily tracing patterns on your back.
But for naught. Sleep had caught on to you and the last thing you felt was Hongjoong carrying you as he chuckled affectionately at your drowsy state. It was the most peace youâve felt in a while.
Just like everything in your life, nothing good seemed to last forever. In the beginning, everything was smooth sailing. You and Hongjoong went back to the manor the next day, and it was nothing short of chaos the moment you stepped in the house where everyone was already waiting by the entrance. Seonghwa was the one who greeted you at the front door and his brows almost reached his hairline with how close you stood next to Hongjoong.
âThe hellâs wrong with you?â Hongjoong asked sharply. âWhy are you looking at us like that?â
Seonghwa raised his hands, blinking innocently. âNothing. Nothing at all.â
You frowned, not noticing the way you linked your arms with Hongjoongâs, but everyone did. Not one step inside the manor and everyone was already looking at the both of you. Jongho bent to grab both of your suitcases, but paused when he took one look at the both of you. âHuh,â he whispered. âWeird.â
Even Mingi who greeted his father, and you albeit stiffly, raised a brow, but opted not to say anything, just walking away while looking back at the both of you repeatedly like he was seeing what he wasnât supposed to be seeing. You and Hongjoong looked at each other, thoroughly confused, but shrugged it off.
And thatâs when San walked by, carrying a tray of cookies you loved so much, only to freeze when he saw Hongjoong gently placing a hand on your back to guide you past a stray step. He blinked over and over again until all the cookies plopped down towards the floor. âIâm sorry, what have you done to my favourite dysfunctional couple?â
You were horrified, mouth agape as you stared at all the sugary goodness on the floor. âMy cookies,â you frowned, tugging at Hongjoongâs sleeve. âJoongâŚâ
It only got worse when Hongjoong leaned down, pressed a kiss to your cheek nonchalantly and murmured, âI have to work for a couple of hours to catch up while we were gone. Iâll be back to spoil you rotten, yeah? Iâll see if I can order cookies after, so be good.â
You blinked, stunned, and so did literally everyone else in the hallway. The silence that followed couldâve cracked glass. You stood there, flustered, a hand over your cheek where he just kissed you in front of everyone.
Wooyoung took one look at you, one look at Hongjoongâs retreating form as he walked away, before letting out a screech so loud and unholy that you covered your ears immediately. âOh my fucking God, what was that?â Wooyoung shouted, flailing like a game show host on a sugar high. âDid you just call him Joong?â
But that was it, because after that, it was like everything never even happened. You werenât sure what you expected. Hongjoong pulling you aside just to hold you again like he did that night? Instead, life resumed as if nothing had changed. He never really did get you those cookies nor did he spend time with you afterwards anymore.
He wasnât snarling or glaring at you anymore, that was for sure, but he always kept you close even in the small gestures like sitting beside you or holding your hand, but that was it. You still slept in separate rooms, and there were no more whispers in the dark, no more soft kisses, no more of him asking for five more minutes in bed before he got up. No one questioned it.
It started small, you almost convinced yourself you imagined it. During meals, he no longer sat beside you. Heâll speak, heâll nod, but his body always angles away from you. That was when the absence of touch came next. Once, Hongjoongâs hand would find your lower back or brush yours when passing you a glass, but now, he didnât reach out, didnât accidentally graze your skin.
One afternoon, you entered the library. You hadnât even called out his name, but the moment he saw you, he stood, gathered his things, and left. It was when his cold formality started again, never with warmth, and when he gave you instructions, he didnât say your name. When you responded, his eyes would flicker, but he never truly looked at you.
By mafia standards, you shouldâve married her within the first month.
Yunhoâs words sank deeper than you wanted to admit. They curled under your skin like thorns. What if he was right? What if Hongjoong had never planned to marry you at all? Your eyes burned, and you blinked furiously to push the sting away. He had kissed you, held you, had made love to you. And now, he was walking around as if he hadnât touched every inch of your soul.
You rubbed at your chest as if you could soothe the ache building there. What if this was it? What if this cold civility, this silence, was all he thought you were worth? Maybe he didnât want to marry you. Maybe he never did.
Then came the locked doors. You never really hung out with him when he worked, but the locked door was suspicious. He also began sending people in his place. Hongjoong no longer filled your space, he ghosted it. You couldnât even remember the last time he told you something directly.
You werenât stupid. You knew how this world worked, how alliances were made and unmade at the flick of a wrist, at the spill of a secret. Maybe you had just been another deal. A piece of a war you werenât meant to survive. Which was why you barged into his office one day without bothering to knock or close the door.
He didnât seem at all surprised at your intrusion. He sighed, lowering his glasses and looking at you with tired eyes. âWhatâs this about, darling?â
âDo you regret us? Touching me? Kissing me?â You started, unable to stop the spiral now. âOr are you just pretending it didnât happen so I donât get any stupid ideas l-like marriage or a future?â
He didnât answer. A bitter laugh escaped your lips, barely a sound. âI canât believe you,â you murmured, your voice cracking around the edges. âAre you telling me what I felt was nothing? You almost had me fooled there, Hongjoong. I thought for sure hope wasnât just a word anymoreââ
âCan you not? How about this,â he sighed, placing his hands on your cheeks to cup it like he did before, and your traitorous body leaned onto his touch. âIâll take you out later, okay? Let me just finish working. Sounds good?â
âAre you going to marry me?â You blurted out instead. He stiffened. You felt it immediately his arms didnât fall away, but his hold loosened just enough for the space between you to feel colder than it had before. âHongjoong?â
It spiraled. Your brain wouldnât stop spinning. You didnât remember pushing him and running away to the comfort of your room after locking the door. All you remember was his refusal to answer and look at you. And the way he never did take you out after.
And the worst of all, everyone had noticed. You had lost your spark, that light in your eyes, that drive in your walk. The anxiety, the paranoia, was slowly eating you alive. You were falling apart at the seams, and no one dared to say it out loud. But you could feel it; this immense pressure building in your chest like a ticking bomb.
Another thing was you were also starting to notice the way everyone was looking at you. It wasnât quite pity, no, but it was akin to the end. To be fair, if Hongjoong was to keep acting like this, the end was nigh, indeed. What if this was all a game? What if he was keeping you close for power? Or pity?
You were thirty-three when your heart had failed you in a way that stayed. Your reflection in the mirror didnât even look like you anymore. It looked like someone trying to be worthy of being chosen. Marrying Hongjoong was a want now, not a necessity, and that broke you.Â
And then, one day, it all seemed to shatter. You were passing by Hongjoongâs office, an excuse youâve been telling yourself just to see if you were going to have a small glimpse of him, when you heard it. Voices low, urgent, and hushed. One of them was Hongjoongâs.
âItâs being finalized, then?â Hongjoongâs sharp, business-like voice asked.
âYes,â Mingi replied, serious and deep. âI reckon weâll be able to make a move soon and then everything will be settled. You could let her go after.â
You froze in place, feeling like ice has been poured over you. Seonghwa sighed. âItâs justâŚare we really doing this? After everything? Wonât it destroy her?â
âWhat she doesnât know wonât hurt her. Besides, itâs not knowledge she deserves to have, anyway. I didnât go this far just for her to know. Itâs better this way,â Hongjoong said curtly.
âDoes she even know?â Sanâs voice now asked. âIâm confused. You both looked like you almost had it going, Joong. Why didnât you tell her then?â
âNo,â Seonghwa replied, sighing. âHongjoongâs keeping her in the dark until all the loose ends are tied. Her bastard uncle did sign a contract after all, so technically sheâs with us. Itâs a good thing.â
Mingi clicked his tongue. âIt shouldnât have gone this far, Father. Youâre lucky sheâs still loyal after everything. You shouldâve told her from the start this engagement was a fraud.â
Your heart stuttered. You covered your mouth, willing yourself to stay silent as tears started to pool on the side of your eyes.Â
âI still think itâs cruel,â San murmured. âAre you ever going to tell her, Hongjoong? Youâre really gonna let her go? Just like that?â
There was a beat of silence that stretched for far too long before Hongjoong spoke again. âThere was never supposed to be an âusâ anyway. It was a mistake that should have never happened.â
You couldnât take it anymore, taking off as soon as that conversation ended. You sat on the floor of your room, knees tucked into your chest, the ache in your bones eclipsed only by the quiet, creeping devastation hollowing you out from the inside. Yunhoâs words echoed in your mind like a curse you couldnât shake. By mafia standards, you shouldâve married her within the first month. Why havenât you? Did you want to keep her locked up like a secret no one else can touch? Or are you just dragging her through the mud?
But now? Now, after hearing that conversation, after watching him pass you in the hallway like a stranger, after everyoneâs pitying glances and whispered silences, it all felt so grotesquely clear - you werenât something he was building a future with, you were someone he was using.
You tried to breathe, but it came out ragged, your chest too tight. The truth clawed at you with wild, unforgiving hands. Yunho had been right all along, and now you were stuck in a house that felt more like a mausoleum than a home with a name he would never give you and a heart he would never claim. You spent days like that, refusing to see anyone who noticed they havenât seen your face in a while, leaving the trays of food placed on your door untouched, and only going out to use the bathroom. It was how you had accidentally left the door ajar for someone to find you, face blotchy and swollen when Jongho came in, eyes widened at your messed up state, as he helped you up to sit on the bed.Â
âY/N, what happened to you?â He let out in concern. He stood up, and you thought for a second that he was giving you the space you clearly needed when you didnât answer, but you were wrong. âIâm calling Hongjoong,â he said, already pulling out his phone. âI donât know what happened, but you clearly need him.â
Something in your mind snapped into a quiet haze. Jongho was handsome. He was kind, and he was always there for you. For one breathless second, you wished that you could feel something, anything, other than the emptiness Hongjoong had left you with.
âDonât call him,â you murmured, voice cracking as you reached for his hand. You looked up at Jongho, his brows furrowed in confusion. And before you could stop yourself, before you could think, you whispered, âKiss me.â
Jonghoâs entire body froze. His lips parted slightly, eyes widening, not with desire, but with shock and pity. He roze, the blood draining from his face. âY/N, I donâtââ
âPlease,â you begged. âI need to feel like Iâm not losing everythingââ
âY/N?â Hongjoongâs voice suddenly crackled on the phone. âWhatâs going on? Jongho, what in Godâs name are you doing?â
The call had connected after all, but you were done caring about Hongjoong. You grabbed Jonghoâs shirt, lowering him to your lips. âI-I need to feel something, Jongho, please pretend Iâm wanted,â your voice cracked.
âWhat the fuck is going on?â Hongjoong's voice roared through the speaker, frantic now. âI am going to skin you alive and drain your blood if you do it, donât you dare, Jonghoââ
But Jongho didnât move. He respectfully held your shoulders, keeping you at armâs length with utmost care. âIâm sorry,â he said, voice soft, heavy with pity but unwavering. âYou donât need more lies right now.â
On the other end of the phone, Hongjoongâs breathing was ragged, silent, tortured, like he was ready to rip through space to get to you before the line went dead. It was when you broke down, sobbing in Jonghoâs arms apologizing through and through for your utterly shameful behaviour, thanking him for not taking advantage of your momentary weakness.
And then, the anger settled in. How dare Hongjoong act like that after what you overheard? Whatâs it to him that you wanted to kiss someone elseâs lips besides his filthy ones? You remembered the way his voice sounded when told you that one dinner night that you were not to wear a ring. You should have known.Â
You made up your mind then - you were leaving him. You werenât going to live trapped in the unknown. Youâd spent years chained under your uncleâs care, and now under the illusion of Hongjoongâs protection, but no more. Maybe youâd stay with Yunho to start again and figure out who you really were outside of the Kim manorâs walls.
But first, you needed that damn contract. The one that bound you to Hongjoong as his property. After much deliberation, the easiest way would be to drive him out of his office long enough for him to not come back.
So you picked a fight, purposefully targeting his tendency to get possessive of you like you were his property. It spurred you on, and at first, he wasnât budging, but when you mentioned off-handedly about the kiss you wanted from Jongho, he bit.
The effect was instant. Hongjoong instantly stopped what he was doing, his entire frame taut with tension, his eyes narrowed dangerously. âWhat did you say?â He asked coldly.
You bit your lip to hold your smirk back. âI said,â you drawled. âMaybe I shouldâve asked Jongho to kiss me again.â
That did it. His steps toward you were slow, deliberate, dangerous. He growled low under his breath, shoving past you, practically vibrating with possessive rage. âI donât know what game youâre playing at, but donât test me, Y/N,â he snapped. âIâve killed for less without blinking.â
Your heart beat erratically as you listened to Hongjoongâs furious commands to hand him his keys so he could drive off that were sounding further and further until you heard the front door slam so hard, you could practically feel it vibrate from where you were.
Perfect. Now all you had to do was find the damn contract - and whatever other secrets heâd been hiding.
Luckily for you, Hongjoong didnât lock his cabinets. To be completely fair, nobody in their right mind - except you, apparently - would even dream of digging through his files while he wasnât present. It was like finding a needle on a haystack, but whenever youâd recall the conversation you overheard here, it gave you a newfound sense of determination. Finally, you found it. With trembling hands, you gingerly took the contract that basically held your uncleâs life and bound you to Hongjoong. You hated your uncle for selling you, but at the same time, you couldnât imagine not meeting Hongjoong at all.
This was it, you were done, and you were leaving. You had already packed what little you brought here and all that was left now was to burn the bridge behind you and never look back. Tears welled in your eyes, however, as you willed Hongjoongâs fond eyes as he looked at you out of your mind. Your story with him had happened, but now, it had to end.
You folded the contract resolutely. Just as you turned to leave, something fluttered from between the pages. It was a thinner piece of paper, tucked behind the contract, and it fell towards the floor, face up. You blinked in confusion, was this another part of the contract?
You crouched, hand shaky as you picked it up, but before you could touch it, you froze. Your pulse skipped, heart sinking the moment your eyes caught the title - it was a marriage contract and it had Hongjoongâs unmistakable signature on it.
You blinked once, twice, but the name didnât change. The blood drained from your face, a sudden rush of nausea coiled in your gut with bile that started to burn your throat as you backed away from the fallen paper as if it had a contagious disease of some sort.
Was this it? The secret heâd been keeping? Your chest felt like it had caved in. No wonder he didnât want to marry you - he literally couldnât. He already belonged to someone else and you seeked comfort in his arms like you belonged in it when, in fact, you did not. You never did.
You ran out of the office, your pathetic tears finally falling from your eyes as you felt your heart starting to break. You didnât bother stopping for Wooyoung, who looked genuinely worried for your state, and you pushed past a surprised Seonghwa, who was the last person you ever wanted to see besides Hongjoong.
You shoved the contract hastily in your luggage, trudging it silently towards the back door you knew nobody passed or guarded, each movement mechanical, like your soul detached itself long ago. The suitcase was filled with your clothes, but really, it's all the things you never meant to carry - bitterness and heartbreak.
You barely made it one step outside when a hand grabbed your arm from behind, spinning you unceremoniously. It was someone you never expected in a million years, and he was already waiting by the door like he knew youâd come out here. âRunning away again, I see,â Mingi eyes your luggage. âThough it seems you have no plans of coming back.âÂ
His features are etched from the same ice as his father's - cold, unreadable. Heâs never spoken to you beyond what's necessary. You pulled your arm away harshly from his hold. âNot that it would matter,â you scoffed. âHongjoong has no plans of marrying me, whatâs the point?â
Realization seemed to dawn on him. âYou found the certificate. Is that why Wooyoung said youâre crying?â He sighed, long and breathy, as if he wasnât prepared for what he was about to say next. âI have to give it to you, youâre clever for driving him out of his office, but whatever it is youâre thinking, youâre dead wrong.â
You laugh once, bitter and sharp. âI saw it with my own two eyes, and the facts speak for themselves, donât they? All heâs ever made me feel was that I was an inconvenience to him.â
âYouâve only seen what heâs allowed you to see,â Mingi says quietly. âYou think my father doesnât care about you, but Y/N, heâd sell his soul for you. For what itâs worth, we all think it shouldâve never gone this far.â
âYeah, well,â you exhaled sharply, turning to leave again. âItâs a little too late for thatââ
âDonât leave,â Mingi said, almost a whisper, almost a plea. You faltered, stunned at how he wasnât letting you pass. He rubs his face between his hands in distress. âHow about this, let me show you something, and if that still doesnât change your mind, Iâll even help you walk away.â âWhy?â You asked coldly, but followed him back to what seemed like Hongjoongâs office anyway. âYou made it clear that you never liked me from the beginning.â
âBecause Iâm not going to let him lose you, not like this,â Mingi opened the door for you to enter. âAnd I never disliked you. You are my fatherâs one shot at the happiness he never got before, I could never dislike you for that.â
San was already there. He looked up as you entered, and your breath caught. In his hands was the very marriage certificate that had shattered you just moments ago. He eyed your luggage, resignation clear in his eyes. âY/N, I am so, so sorry,â his voice cracked when you refused to meet his eye. âYou deserve to know the truth before you walk away, at least.â
Mingi sighed and walked over to the far side of the desk. He reached under the edge, clicking something underneath. âThis,â he held out a small recording device. âIs for protection and insurance whenever he invites people over here. It never stops recording. Iâm sure you know where Iâm going with this.âÂ
And with that, he presses play. You didnât speak, just listened. At first, you heard nothing, just pure static and a couple of movements before San fast forwarded it, stopping when he was satisfied.
âSheâs beautiful, Hwa, my goodness. Her photos donât do her justice,â Hongjoongâs familiar voice sounded all over the room, slightly startling you. âI-I mustâve looked like a fool during dinner. How am I supposed to pretend that Iâm not head over heels in love with her?â
âYou did look like a fool,â Seonghwaâs voice said next, deadpanned. âItâs embarrassing, Joong. Your own son had to tell you to stop staring.â
Head over heels? It didnât make sense. Not when he avoided you for the longest time, not when he stood silent while you begged for clarity. San started fast forwarding again.
âAre you out of your goddamn mind?â The voice was unmistakably Hongjoongâs sharp, furious, and barely restrained. âFlirting with her in front of me? Do you want me to ship you back in Suwon, you uncultured swine?â
Wooyoungâs familiar laughter shrieked all over the room so loud, Mingi rolled his eyes. âMy God, Dad, you are so down bad. Iâve never seen you so jealous in my life. I have no plans to steal your wife, relax.â
âThatâs not the point,â Hongjoong snapped. âDonât touch her like that again. Donât talk to her like sheâs anyone but mine. Do you understand me?â
You stood there, frozen. Your hands trembled slightly as you remembered that day so clearly in your head. San gave Mingi a glance before silently playing the recording again.
âI fucked up,â Honjoong started, but it was in a voice youâve never heard on him before, and for some reason, it hurt your heart to hear. âI shouldnât have shouted at her during dinner, she looked at me like Iâd hit her. And I-I hate myself for it, she probably hates meââ
âYou think?â Jonghoâs voice responded, unusually sharp. âShe looked like she wanted the floor to swallow her whole. Seriously, what were you thinking?â
âI shouldnât have pushed the plate like that, but it had avocados in it,â Hongjoongâs voice faltered, like he was trying to rein himself in.Â
There was a pause in the recording, and in your head as well. You felt like you were about to faint. âAvocados?â San in the recording asked, clearly confused.
Hongjoong sighed heavily and you could practically hear him pacing in his office. âSheâs allergic to avocados. Allergic enough for anaphylactic shock.â
âYou couldâve just said something,â San replied, dry and disbelieving. âThat wasnât just over the line, Joong. It was humiliating.â
âThatâs why she reacted like that when I told her about the dressing,â Jongho commented off-handedly. âBut still, you scared her. Hell, you scared all of us.â
âI was scared as well, thatâs why Iâm furious,â Hongjoong snapped. âI clearly told the staff to not put avocados in her food. How was I supposed to tell her without arousing suspicion of the fucker that did it?â
That night, youâd gone to bed wondering if he hated you. Meanwhile, he was probably pacing the floor in this very room, wondering if you were still breathing, wondering if he should have just shouted your allergy across the table rather than risk letting you eat what couldâve killed you. âYou okay to keep going?â San asked softly. When you nodded stiffly, he pressed play again.
âDid you order food out?â Wooyoungâs voice sounded out this time. âOh, that actually looks good, can I have someââ
A loud smack can be heard in the background before Wooyoungâs yelp. âNo,â Hongjoongâs light, almost boyish tone, smugly denied. âMy love made this for me. Can you guys believe it? Sheâs literally perfect in every way, she even cooks well, too. A literal angel in every sense, I tell you.â
âHold on, is that why sheâs been hanging around the kitchen late?â Wooyoung asked, confused. âBut she looks so down everytimeâshe doesnât know youâre eating them, does she?â
There was a pause before Seonghwa spoke next, his voice quieter. âYou have to tell her, Joong. Me and San have to carry the burden of seeing her tears the next day every single time we pretend to throw away the food the next day. She makes them with love, you know?â
Silence. Then Hongjoong sighed, deep and hollow. âGod, I want to, but not yet. You know thereâs a mole in the staff. If I let on that I care too much, it puts a target on her back. Itâs the only way to protect her without tipping my hand.â
There was a pause. âSheâs so bright when she cooks, and I never tell her,â he continued heavily. âI said nothing, like I always do. So for now, all I could do is savour her food, you know? It keeps my longing away for now.â
Something in your chest cracked. You remembered those nights. You never imagined he cherished every bite in silence, keeping up a mask to protect you from shadows you didnât even know were looming. Suddenly, it transitioned into a conversation you knew far too well, the one you heard before you ran away to the playground.
âBut you canât keep doing this to keep giving her the cold shoulder, Joong,â Seonghwa clicked his tongue. âSheâs too perceptive and you know she'll find out, what are you going to do then?â
âGive me time,â Hongjoongâs tone shifted into something darker. âWeâre so close to caging in Yoo Jaehwan, that bastard ruined her life. Please, no one can know for now. I have to make sure heâll pay for that car accident that almost cost her and Yeosang.â
You gasped audibly, almost tripping at what you just heard. There was only one car accident that had Yeosang and you in it, did this run deeper than you initially thought?
âShe wonât be safe forever, you know that. Sanâs working on Mingiâs intel for the hit and run. It was damn near impossible to find who hit her parents back then. You think Jaehwan knows?â
âThereâs no denying it. That bastard killed them. She will be safer here, so please, watch over her for me. I will never forgive myself if something happens to her. Sheâs my everythingâwhoâs there?â
And all this time, the man you thought didnât care,the man whose cold shoulder and distant silence had crushed you, had been carrying the weight of it all in secret. You shook your head in denial, if this wasnât enough, your uncle had something to do with your parentsâ death as well. âMake it stop,â you begged. âI-I canâtââ
âIâm sorry,â Mingi apologized, and you could see he was genuine this time. âWe have to keep going. This is why Father was the way he was with you. You have to know.â
You heard a glass clink against another, followed by the unmistakable sound of Hongjoongâs tired hiccup, more human than you'd ever heard him, before the familiar sigh of Seonghwa followed. âThatâs enough,â he gently coaxed. âYouâre drunk, Joong. Youâre half goneââ
âHalf gone? I havenât been whole since I lied to her,â Hongjoongâs drunk and pained voice slurred. âShe ran away from me, Hwa. And I deserve it. I was prepared for her hate, but not her absence. When I couldnât find her, I was so damn scared, none of you even understood.â
Hongjoong swallowed more alcohol. âI love her, Seonghwa. I love her more than this house, more than the empire, more than anything. But if she knew what Iâve done, sheâd never stay.â
You clutch the edge of the table like itâs the only thing holding you upright. âThereâs still time to tell her,â Seonghwa advised. âMingi still thinks you shouldnât hide this.â
âWhat if she realizes Iâm the reason her life turned to hell?â Hongjoong cried out in melancholy. âIâm terrified sheâll disappear for good when she finds out what Iâve done and made the selfish decision to make her mineââ
âBut she doesnât know that,â Seonghwa said softly. âShe doesnât know you held her hand the whole time in the hospital. You did it to protect her. You married her, for Godâs sake.â
Your knees nearly gave out. That hand - warm, calloused, unmoving but steady - had been the only thing tethering you to life. That hand was the only one that stayed when no one else did. Tears sprung to your eyes, that hand had been your lifeline, and after all this time, you had been his.Â
âI married her to settle a score. But somewhere along the line, I just,â Hongjoong sniffled. âI just loved her. Every day I donât tell her, she drifts further from me. And I-I donât know how to fix it.â
You swallowed audibly when the recording paused. There was only one question lingering in your head, one that San read on your face but refused to acknowledge. Instead, he reached forward and pressed play. The room was silent again, except for the soft static of the next recording beginning to play.
âIâll bow to your king when he shows himself,â your voice played out this time, clipped and cut. You cringed internally. You remember how liberated you felt after that day, but now you were about to find out what happened after you stormed out.
Seonghwa and Mingi were in the room that day and you were expecting the three of them to talk about your utter disrespect, but you were not expecting Hongjoongâs laughter, loud, bubbly, and full of mirth after a few seconds of you walking away.
âWell, would you look at that,â Mingi snorted, but even through the recording, you could hear the subtle fondness in his voice. âYouâve finally found your match, Father.â
âGod, Iâm so proud of her,â Hongjoong said through his laughter, his voice breathless and utterly thrilled. âDid you see the way she stood up to me like a champ? Iâve never been that close to finishing on the spot.â
Mingi let out a sound of pure, exaggerated revulsion. âPlease, never let me hear that again. That is fucking disgusting, this is why I get drunk often.â
âOh, it gets worse,â Seonghwa chortled. âDid you see the way he looked at her? He was looking at her like he wanted her to break his neck and thank her for it. It was sickening. I wanted to bleach my eyes.â
âShut up,â Hongjoong muttered, but there was no real heat behind it. You could hear the smile in his voice. It was small, secretive, a little lovesick.
âNo, you shut up,â Seonghwa shot back with playful disbelief. âShe literally insulted your bloodline and told you that you are not the king of your own empire in her eyes and you look like youâre ready to carve her name onto your chest.â
âWell, he just might,â Mingi answered dramatically. âYou two make marriage look fun. My moneyâs on her, you know? Hell, everyoneâs is at this point.â Â
Hongjoong laughed again, sounding more genuine, if that was possible. âSo is mine.â
Youâve barely let that settle before the next recording sounded. You froze. This was the most recent, the catalyst that set this whole thing in motion. âI still think itâs cruel,â San murmured. âAre you ever going to tell her, Hongjoong? Youâre really gonna let her go? Just like that?â
âThere was never supposed to be an âusâ anyway. It was a mistake that should have never happened,â Hongjoong sighed and you were confused. You didnât remember him sounding this torn about it. This was when you ran away crying to your room utterly heartbroken.
âThatâs my wife, San. I donât want to let her go, but it was cruel for me to take her secretly. I have to let her go if she doesnât want to stay even if it hurts me. We go for the kill, but leave Jaehwan to me. I want to kill him, myself.â
The recording ended there, for good this time. You just stood there shaking, lips parted, eyes glassy. He hadnât just tolerated you, he adored you - no, he loved you hopelessly with a hidden love that he kept choking down behind layers of silence and strategy.Â
You feel your knees weaken not from pain, but from the crushing, beautiful truth that maybe you were never unloved. âI-I donât understand,â you blurted, tears blurring your vision. âT-There has to be a mistake. Heâs married to someone elseââ
San started to show you the marriage certificate again, but you didnât want anything to do with it. âY/N,â San said gently, catching your hand before you could shove the paper away. âJust look closer, please. At the bottom.â
Your gaze dropped, unwilling at first but your breath stopped, your mind stilling into chaotic silence when you saw it - your name and signature right beside Hongjoongâs. You blinked hard, heart thrashing in your chest. âI donât remember this. I never - how could I not know I was married?â
âOur job is done. We shouldnât be the ones explaining this. You need to hear it from him,â Mingi said as he stood and with a final glance, the door clicked shut, and you were left alone with your thoughts, the weight of the paper, and a heart that no longer knew what to believe.
You were shaking your head violently, eyes already welling up with tears you refused to acknowledge. One by one, everything started to make sense, even the little things you ignored for fear of falling too hard - your avocado allergy, how he picked raisins out of your food, your photo on his desk you now knew for sure he kept staring at every single day.
And everyone knew too, there were also the telltale signs of everyone slipping by accident - the way San froze when he found out your name was Jeong, Seonghwa telling you it was finally nice to meet you, overhearing Yeosang say you werenât just a wife, you were someone Hongjoong would burn the world for.Â
You shouldâve been angry, and you were, but underneath all of that was grief not just for yourself, but for him too. Your chest ached as you imagined all those nights he must have sat awake, planning, hiding, hurting. All those moments you begged him to speak, and he couldnât not because he didnât want to - but because he loved you too much to risk everything.
A sob clawed its way up your throat. You wiped your face with shaking hands, but the tears wouldnât stop now. How long had he carried all this alone? How long had he loved you silently, forced to cage every affection? How could you hate someone for hurting you when all they ever wanted was to protect you? It must have been crushing.Â
Your heart was a tangled, desperate mess in your chest by the time the door finally opened. Hongjoong stepped in, his brows pinched together in confusion when he saw you there. When he saw the marriage certificate crumpled tightly in your hands, it was like the ground vanished beneath his feet.
He stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes blown wide, his breath catching audibly. It was like you also held his heart in your hands. All the color drained from his face, but somewhere in his eyes, relief shone through. And you knew why - all the pretending has to stop now and you both knew it.
Hongjoong slowly closed the door behind him, eyes never leaving yours, and for once, he looked afraid, vulnerable and human. âWe need to talk,â he said hoarsely, and there wasnât a trace of command in his voice, only quiet pleading as he slowly approached you.
âWhy didnât you just tell me?â You cried out, heart aching and throat tight, the paper trembling in your hands like the storm inside you that was finally meeting his. âEverything hurts, Hongjoong. I canât breathe.â
Without another word, he knelt in front of you, like the wind had been knocked out of him, and reached for you with trembling hands. You collapsed into his chest, sobbing openly as he cradled you to him. His warmth surrounded you, his scent grounding you, and for the first time, his arms didnât feel like a prison - they felt like home.
âIâm sorry,â he whispered, over and over again, his lips brushing your temple. âIâm so, so sorry. I never wanted you to find out like this, and I never wanted to hurt you. But I was wrong. I was so wrong.â
You shook your head against him, trying to make sense of the chaos in your chest. âI wanted so desperately for you to care for me, Hongjoong,â you confessed angrily, lamenting for all the times you spent yearning. âI wanted it so badly that I never blamed you for how you treated me, no matter how bad, I never blamed you.â
He clutched you tighter as if the very fabric of his soul depended on your forgiveness, his breath shaky, his words barely held together. âBlame me, Y/N. My soul canât be saved if I sell you my sins and the scars in your heart are mine to atone, but donât think for a second that I never loved you,â his voice cracked. âThat I donât love you now.â
Rage sets in as his words wrapped around your heart like a chain, heavy with the weight of long-buried truths. âYouâre cruel, you know that?â You thumped your fists on his chest repeatedly. âAfter all the things you made me go through? You tell me this now?â
You could feel his tears now, each one a testament to the pain he had buried beneath the armor he wore for too long. âYou think Iâm cruel, but Iâve been your husband longer than youâve known. And Iâve loved you every single day of it,â he whispered, his hands trembling.
Your breath caught as his words sank in, deeper than any wound heâd ever left behind. Husband. You wanted to scream, to cry, to pull away, to collapse into him all at once. How could he say it like that? So stripped of pride and power, like a man offering up the last piece of himself and hoping it would be enough? It was too much. It was everything.
He pressed his forehead to yours, lips barely apart from yours. âIf you want the truth, I'll give you that. If you want to leave, I will never stop you."
But somehow, all you could do was hold him tighter. âI donât want freedom from you, Hongjoong,â you whispered, breaking apart in his arms. âI just want the truth.â
Hongjoong didnât speak at first. You felt his body tremble as he held you, as though the truth itself was too heavy to carry alone anymore. âIâm not the right person to tell you this, it would be Yunho, but to put it simply for now, your parents both served my father, and in turn, me after he passed away.â
You pulled back slightly, your breath catching in your throat. âM-My parents were in the mafia?â You asked, heart pounding with the realization already forming. Somehow, it made sense - they were absent throughout your teenage years and they did keep their career a secret.
âThey were. Yunho took over your father after, but we didnât get along much, but thatâs another story,â Hongjoong said softly. âThey were good people. One day I got myself into something I wasnât supposed to. I wouldâve been dead if it werenât for them and my sons would be fatherless. I was young and stupid and they saved me. I owe them my life, I still do.â
He paused, voice tightening with grief. âI didnât have much power back then, so I did the best thing I could. Assets, lots of them. I gave your parents millions, Y/N, but before I could fully ever thank them, before I could protect themâŚâ Hongjoong looked away, sighing heavily.
âThey died before they could use the money. My uncle wanted their money, didnât he? Did he kill them?â You blurted out. His silence confirmed it and you shuddered, anguish and clarity warred within you as the weight of your stolen past pressed down on your chest.Â
âAt first I didnât have proof it was him,â you felt Hongjoongâs hands holding you steady, his warmth anchoring you to something real. âI was investigating their deaths for years. It was my way of getting back for them for saving me. It wasnât until your car accident with Yeosang a couple of years back.â
You swallowed. This was it, this was the part you werenât sure you were ready to hear. His face turned dark before he continued. âYeosang was suspicious of the accident. We both thought the hit was for him at first since heâs my son. When I investigated, it was how I found out who you were. It felt like the universe just punched me in the gut.â
âW-What does this have to do with marrying me?â
âEverything,â his expression twisted, like it physically hurt him to relive it. âWhen your parents died, all that money went to you automatically. Do you remember that day when I asked you why your uncle took you in when Yunho was losing his mind looking for you all this time?â
You nodded, your stomach sinking. âHe took you in to drain every cent out of you. He was bleeding you dry,â his jaw ticked in concealed anger. âHe got impatient, that car accident back then would speed up the process.â
You shook your head, denial flaring. Your lungs were too tight, your heart racing painfully in your chest as you tried not to throw up. âSo, what, you married me to stop him?â
âNot just that,â he said hoarsely, and then, softer. âI had to make it legally binding. As your husband, I could legally control your funds. It was the only way I knew how, so I married you in secret, in the hospital, while you were unconscious. And I held your hand while you signed.â
Your head snapped up at that. Your blood ran cold, because you remembered that day. The warmth of a hand in yours, grounding you while the world spun wildly. You thought it was just hospital consent forms. âThat was the marriage certificate?â you whispered, your voice breaking. âBut that was years before my uncle sold me to you, Hongjoong, that doesnât make any senseââ
âI had to let you go back to him after,â he explained, eyes shut tight with regret. âHe was desperate, and desperate men get dangerous. I needed time. I needed him to think he was still in control, still bleeding you dry while I worked behind the scenes.â
You stood there in stunned silence, your hands trembling with the weight of a truth you never asked for but now couldnât ignore. âI watched you for years,â he continued, voice hollow but steady. âAlways from a distance. I told myself it was enough.I kept telling myself I was doing it for your parents, that I owed them everything. Thatâs how it started. But thenâŚâ
His voice cracked, and for a moment he didnât go on. âThen I fell in love with you,â he whispered, trembling. âWithout even realizing it, I fell. Hard. And for that, Iâm sorry. I will regret taking that choice away from you for as long as I live. The plan was to annul the marriage when I was done compiling evidence against him, and believe me, I tried to do it quickly. I didnât want you to stay with him for long.â
Your breath caught when he smiled faintly, and it was the saddest, most beautiful thing youâd ever seen. âYou were always strong, and I hated that I couldnât tell you how proud I was. Iâm sorry I got selfish because the thought of annulling the marriage just hurt me on the inside.â
You looked down, heart racing, remembering the moments. All that time you resented him for being locked in his office instead of being with you, he was working to finally set you free. âThen why keep it a secret?â You asked, voice fragile. âWhy didnât you just tell me?â
âI was scared,â he admitted. âScared youâd hate me. Scared that if you knew the truth, youâd want nothing to do with me. I didnât want to rip open old wounds by making you relive the past. So I just⌠watched and made sure you were doing well.â
âBut everything changed. One time I sent Jongho,â Hongjoong went on, voice turning sharp with memory. âWe didnât know he was violent with you. He caught him hurting you. That fucking bastard,â his cracked slightly. âNot only was he stealing from you, he was beating you up the entire time, I-I wanted to die when I found outââ
A lone tear escaped his eyes when you shushed him, putting your finger on his lips gently. He cracked a bitter smile, kissing your finger before continuing. âSo I bankrupted his business. I had Seonghwa pose as his client, made him plant the seed that Kim Hongjoong was giving money for something in exchange. It worked, thatâs how I got you into my house.â
You froze up, suddenly breathless. Your whole life - every twist and turn, every unexplained pain, every confusing encounter - was beginning to piece together like a puzzle you never knew existed. âYou were never a liability used to pay a debt,â he growled. âOnce you were under my roof, I knew you were safe. I could fully start making my move on your uncle. I sent Wooyoung to Suwon to startââ
âSuwon?â You blinked in surprise, remembering the very first time you met Wooyoung. âHe went thereâŚbecause of me? Because you told him to?â
He nodded. âThe man your uncle hired who hit your parents were both hiding in Suwon. Mingi wanted to do it since he was the one who found them for me, but WooyoungâŚletâs say that son of mine is a little trigger-happy. Trust me, he was more than glad to do it.â
You felt your chest caving in. All this time, everyone - San, Seonghwa, Jongho, Wooyoung, and even Mingi - had been watching, protecting, quietly fighting battles for you that you didnât even know existed.
Tears spilled down your cheeks as you stared at the man who had haunted your days and nights with confusion, rage, longing - only to discover that, all along, he had loved you in silence.
âWhat now?â You sniffled. âWhat are we going to do?â
âI was going to kill him and then come clean to you,â he admitted ruefully. âBut death is a salvation that he doesnât deserve. I have all the evidence I need to send him to jail, because thereâs one more thing your uncle cost me, â he said, voice low and rough. âYeosang.â
You felt your chest twist. âI had to send my own son away,â he spat the words like poison. âBecause if your uncle ever saw him around, he wouldâve figured it out that Yeosang was the one who called me, panicked, sobbing, begging me to save you.â
You knew that Hongjoong called Yeosang in a panic when you were poisoned to wherever he was hiding from to come and treat you. He risked all of it to save you. âYour uncle didnât just steal from you,â he growled. âHe didnât just beat you, he stole from me too. He robbed me of time with you, your parents, and my son.â
He dropped to his knees again. âI did terrible things to keep you safe,â he said quietly. âAnd I canât undo them. But if thereâs anything left in your heart for me, even just a piece, I swear to you, I will make it right.â
Hongjoong was a man weighed down by guilt, someone laying every wound bare before you. You looked at him, this broken, bleeding man who had shielded you in ways you never even saw. And now, maybe, just maybe, it was time to stop surviving and start living. You gripped his hands tightly now, because for the first time, you understood.
âI hated you,â you whispered. His jaw clenched, and he closed his eyes like your words were blades, but he took it like he promised he would. âBut I think I hated myself more for still loving you anyway.â
His eyes snapped open, wide and raw and shimmering with a hope he tried to suppress. âY-You still do?â His broken voice stuttered.
âI donât know how not to,â you said, your lips trembling. âI didnât realize how much I fell for you until you started pulling back. Even when you pushed me so far away I thought Iâd disappear, I kept looking for you.â
His breath hitched, and then he was kissing you, not out of possession or dominance, not like a man taking what he believed was his, but like someone starved for something heâd already mourned the loss of. His lips trembled against yours, and you tasted your shared sorrow, your silent tears, your aching, stupid, impossible love.
Hongjoong exhaled shakily, as if the weight of everything unsaid was finally buckling his knees. Now that you were in front of him, there was no more holding back. âI never meant to ignore you,â he said, voice rough and uneven. âThese past few months, I-I know Iâve made you feel unwanted, like you were nothing but a pawn to me, but you never were.â
His eyes flicked to yours. âWe were so close to getting your uncle. I could taste it, that justice. And I lost myself. I thought, just a little more time and I could finally give you peace.â
You opened your mouth to speak, to tell him it wasnât his fault, but he shook his head. âNo,â he whispered with a bitter smile. âIt is my fault. I couldnât help it. I wasnât supposed to love you, I was supposed to distance myself because your uncleâs mole was watching us. But how could I not?â
âHongjoong,â you tried to coax him out of these thoughts, but to no avail. Your vision blurred as his words sank in.
âHow could I not hold back when you looked at the world with eyes that still trusted even after everything?â Hongjoong continued. âEvery time you touched me, I felt like I was being forgiven for sins I hadnât even confessed yet. Every night you were in my house, pretending not to care that I was cruel, pretending it didnât hurt, I wanted to fall to my knees and curse every God out there for doing this to me, to us.â
He took your hands, his thumbs brushing your knuckles, and he held you like you were something fragile. âI even got you poisoned,â he said, pressing your hands to his chest, where his heart thundered violently. âBecause I let my guard down. Iâve lived every day terrified that loving you would be the death of you, but it turns out, not loving you openly was killing me.â
Tears welled in your eyes again, thick and hot. When he finally pulled back, it was only just enough to whisper. âI married you once to protect you and Iâd marry you again just to love you. Marry me, Y/N, please.â
You looked at him, the man who had fought in silence for you, bled in shadows for you, and lost you just to keep you alive. And for the first time, you saw him as the only person who had ever loved you enough to break his own heart to save yours. âYou already have me,â you said softly, hands rising to cup his cheeks.Â
His exhale of relief and wonder, grief and gratitude all at once. No more pretending, no more secrets. Just the two of you, finally choosing each other in the light. You were already his long before you knew it and heâs always been yours.
âLet me get this straight,â Yunho uncrossed his long legs, his upper body leaning forward ever so slightly as his sharp, glaring eyes trained on Hongjoongâs flat, expressionless ones. âYouâre telling me that youâve been married to her this entire time? That you made her suffer in your slimy presence for the grand scheme of catching Jaehwan when you couldâve just left her with me?â
He removed his glasses to put it on top of the coffee table in front of him, its reflective surface and visual lightness made it a striking centerpiece while keeping the room feeling uncluttered and elegant, very befitting of someone like Yunho who exuded an exorbitant amount of grace. The way he scoffed after was anything of, however. Â
âYou fucking bastard,â he seethed, banging his fist on said table with a sarcastic laugh that left his lips in a disbelieving pace of staccato. âI ought to kill you on the spot, Kim Hongjoong. I cannot believe you thought that this was normal, youâre not right in the head, Iâm tellingââ
âNow, now Yunho,â Hongjoong - or should you say, your husband - smirked smugly, snaking his arm around your waist to pull you closer. âIn front of Y/N, really?â
âYou wonât get away with this, also you mean my nieceââ
âDonât you mean my wife?â Hongjoong grinned, all of his teeth bared out in a daring show of possessiveness that was not to be messed with, clearly not even Yunho. âAnd I already have,â he turned to look at you, his eyes softening significantly as he smiled. âIsnât that right, darling?â
Yunho balked at the blatant display of Hongjoongâs disrespect towards him. He looked at you expectantly, but all you could do was give him a sheepish smile as you toyed with the ring on your finger.
âSorry, Uncle,â you giggled. âYou heard my husband.â
Hongjoong whispered âthatâs my girlâ softly on your ear as Yunho let out the most undignified squawk youâve ever heard a grown man do.
Yunho covered his face with his hands and groaned. âYou love him,â he deadpanned. âAnd you, you manipulative, delusional, leather-wearing tax fraudââ
âTax fraud?â Hongjoong raised a brow, a slow grin spreading across his face like ink in water. âReally, Yunho? Thatâs the best youâve got?â
â---you love her. Oh, Sungho is probably rolling in his grave right now,â he groaned, and you laughed at how he whispered his grievances in your dad's name.
He sat up, reclining back with one arm thrown over the couch. âWell, if you ever come to your senses, I know a great divorce lawyer,â he said dryly. âMy door is always open for you, little love.â
You bit back the urge to laugh when Hongjoong rolled his eyes dramatically. âIâll keep it in mind, Uncle,â you grinned. âBut you should know by now that I have a type.â
Hongjoong only smirked from his seat, one arm slung lazily over the backrest behind you like this was his damn throne. âYouâre just bitter I won,â he snorted at Yunho.
âOh, Iâll be bitter until my dying breath,â Yunho snapped. âYou married her and didn't even invite me to the wedding. I was supposed to walk her down the aisle.â
âThen dieââ
âFuck you,â he retorted. Yunho waved his hand, the humor in his eyes dimming slightly as his tone shifted, more measured now. âAlright, jokes aside. What happened to the motherfucker that is Jaehwan?â
Hongjoongâs arm around you tightened as his entire posture changed. âWe got him. Heâs in jail.â
The words dropped like a stone in the room. You looked down, purposefully grabbing the mug to take a sip, your mind flashing with the bright lights of one shot that gradually turned into two, three, four shots. Yunhoâs brows furrowed. âYouâre serious?â
âDeadly,â Hongjoong tried not to smirk, side-eyeing you with intent. âNothing crazy, really. He doesnât deserve anything theatrical for everything that heâs done. I had my men watch him for a couple of days, ambushed him when he least expected it, and thatâs that. You recall that car accident from a couple of years ago, yes?â
You closed your eyes, the faux splatters of sticky red coating your face feeling realistic enough if you concentrated. Lifeless, hollow eyes stared back behind your eyes before you opened them again. Hongjoongâs fingers massaged yours with purpose back then, too. You kept your mouth from curling too far at the corners.
âHow could I not? You took her that night,â Yunho scoffed, sitting forward again, steepling his fingers under his chin. âI was this close to finding Y/N at that time. I dislike talking about this, but it was hard. Years of failure meant I failed her father.â
Hongjoong hummed, ignoring Yunhoâs pointed look. âMy son was also there, you remember my middle son? Heâs a neurosurgeon now,â he replied softly, his fingers playing with yours. âYou could say I had a different drive back then. I had my reasons.â
Yunhoâs brows shot up in mild surprise before they softened ever so slightly. âI didnât know, Iâm terribly sorry that your son got caught up in this fiasco,â he murmured, his soft eyes landing on you. âI suppose everything that happened was like a trigger set in motion, wouldnât you say, Y/N?â
You shrugged as you gave Hongjoong a look. You let your lashes lower slightly and adjusted your posture, just like you did when after the kickback from the trigger that had made your shoulders ache. âPerhaps.â
âAnyway, itâs over,â Hongjoong said with a clipped edge. âThereâs enough evidence now to tie him to the attempted murder, fraud, and embezzlement. Stalking as well. The bastard didn't even stop at the mole in my house, he always sent his sleazy men around the area in case she went out. Heâs done, I'll make sure of it.â
âGood riddance,â Yunho said with an unsurprising amount of venom. His shoulders sank, years and years of burden lifting off of his shoulders. Relief settles in his expression, and though it made him look a decade younger, the faraway look of a thousand suns in his eyes told you otherwise. âI knew your father would be proud of you," he sighed. "That bastard took everything from our family. But youâŚyou gave it back.â
The man who haunted your childhood, the one who used your grief as a tool to strip you of everything, was finally out of your life. You squeezed Yunhoâs hand, hoping that it said everything you couldnât say out loud. You stayed quiet for a moment, trying to absorb the weight of what Yunho was saying.Â
There was no reminiscing on your end, no smirk, no memories; just the hurt between two people who have lost their loved ones. He held your hand, holding it tight. âAnd your mom,â he added softly. She wouldâve held you so tight. You look like Sohee, you know? Same fire, same goddamn backbone. Perfect for your father.â
âI hope theyâre at peace now,â you said quietly.
âThey are,â Yunho replied with a surety that only blood could lend. âBecause youâre finally safe. And I can finally breathe again.â
You took in his words, the finality of them. The war was over now, justice had been served. And it sounded like a dull thud of a body hitting the floor, the heaviness of it almost satisfying in your ears. The conversation shifted into something lighthearted, with you and Yunho reminiscing about how he babysat you when you were younger, how your own father was when they were both teenagers, to all the mundane things like how your father would have reacted to your marriage with Hongjoong.
And Hongjoong was just there, laughing and smiling along like heâs always meant to be there with you. He would quip once or twice with his own accounts about your parents and you fell a little harder for the man, for the way he spoke about your parents with unparalleled fondness was something to behold. He truly adored them, and it just made you miss them even more.
âWe should go,â you said gently, standing up, smoothing your dress daintily with a small smile. âI want to visit my parents today. Itâs a good day and I havenât been to ever since I was in college.â
Yunho, ever the gentleman that he was, walked both you and Hongjoong all the way to the door to see you out instead of sending his right-hand man like a man of his status should. The shift in his demeanor was immediate, but you tried your best to not pay attention to it as he hugged you goodbye.
âSheâll be back, Yunho,â Hongjoong rolled his eyes, noticing the small tension, subtly pulling you away back to his side with a curt chuckle. âStop smothering her.â
Yunho didnât answer with words. He just stared long, quiet, and with enough weight behind his gaze to make most men sweat as both you and Hongjoong speed walked all the way to the car to try and get away, but of course, there was no escaping. You were a Jeong, after all, and so was he. âStop,â he spoke out, firm and absolute.
You halted from walking, giving Hongjoong a knowing look, who only squeezed your hand supportively. âHmm?â
âI know what you did,â Yunho said, his voice just a touch lower than before. He swept his gaze on you from head to toe, stopping lightly at your shoulders. "Your sore shoulders tells me everything."
Your spine straightened, barely enough to notice, unless someone was trained to notice. You turned your head over your shoulder, lips curled into an innocent, almost amused smile. âOh?â
He smirked, his body stilling like a predator catching scent. You faltered, suddenly reminded that Yunho wasnât just your uncle - he was mafia, just like Hongjoong. Worse, perhaps, more patient and more precise. Hongjoong took pride in the brutality of it all while he was the kind of man who could make a death look like a ghost story.
For a moment, he looked overtly threatening, his intelligence sharper, and his confrontation carrying a much colder, calculated menace. He tilted his head mockingly, willingly playing your game. âMustâve felt good,â he chuckled. âI bet you looked him in the eye.â
You had to laugh out loud at that one, not confirming nor denying what he was insinuating. âMaybe I just found peace,â you said innocently.
âI see. Say, what jail is he in? Might have to pay him a visit,â Yunho smiled, truly smiled, wide and cold, but still, it was impossible to miss the adoration and pride in it. âLet me guess - itâs two feet wide and six foot deep.â
Hongjoong, whoâd been watching you both with amusement simmering just beneath the surface, finally spoke. âWhat vivid imagination you have,â he mused, smirking with dark intent, his eyes shining sadistically as he looked at you with faux curiosity. âDonât you think, darling?â
Yunho nodded slowly, pursing his lips in a poor attempt to stop himself from smiling. âNot vivid enough,â he shrugged playfully. âHumour me this, if someone were to, say, shoot someoneâŚwould it be better to aim for a quick kill or prolong the agony? Hypothetically.â
You tapped your chin thoroughly, pretending to think. â Iâd prolong the agony. Shoot them four times on pressure points. Hypothetically, of course.â
âNext one,â Yunho said, clearly enjoying himself. âYouâre standing over the body, hypothetically, and heâs looking at you, what would you say?â
âHypothetically? You pondered, tilting your head as if you were really thinking about what to say. âI would have said âyou should have killed me when you had the chance.ââ
Hongjoong exhaled, something like reverence in his breath. âGod, I love you.â
âJust one more,â Yunho said softly, his voice losing its teasing edge, now carrying the quiet weight of someone whoâd once held you as a child, who had once promised your father to protect you. âWas it clean?â
You met his gaze evenly, nodding very subtly with a serene smile, one that he returned with all the love and unwavering support only someone who truly cared for you would do. Yunho stared at you for a long moment, his eyes melting into something rawer, wearier. âIf anyone asks,â he said lowly, the gravity in his tone undeniable now. âYou were with me that night. Both of you were the entire time.â
His gaze cut to Hongjoong, who for once, looked struck silent. The air between them simmered with unspoken understanding. He nodded deeply with reverence. It wasnât flashy, but it was sincere and genuine enough that Yunho didnât mock him for it. âThank you.â
Yunho just waved a hand, though his voice cracked slightly when he said, âDonât thank me, you bastard. Just keep her safe or I swear, Iâll drag your sorry ass down and make you wish youâd stayed single.â
Hongjoong chuckled low in his throat. His hand settled gently on the small of your back as he led you forward. âDonât worry, she married a man who never stopped watching her back.â
âGod help us all,â Yunho rolled his eyes in mock disgrace, staring at the two of you as you both got in the car before he called for the last time. âTell your parents I said hi.â
You looked back to see him watching you as Hongjoong started to drive away, arms crossed, but eyes glassy. And though he didnât say it, you understood. You were safe, you were home, and heâd go to hell and back before anyone took that from you again.
The car ride was quiet at first, not from discomfort, but from something softer. Reverent. Hongjoong kept one hand on the wheel while the other was placed on your lap. It reminded you of that one stormy night when he sought out to find you in that lone playground. He turned to look at you, knowing that he was thinking the same as you were.Â
âI love you,â he said, pulling your hand up to kiss your knuckles. His eyes searched your face like he was memorizing it all over again, as though he still couldnât believe you were here. âI shouldâve said it a long time ago, I feel for you so much that it almost hurts.â
You blinked back the sudden tears, the sincerity in his voice cracking something wide open inside you. You laughed wetly. âThatâs very sweet of you, I believe you, but why now?â
âI wanted to wait until everything was said and done,â he continued, pressing another kiss to your fingers. âI want to give you everything. A house to grow old with, a bed where you always feel safe, dinners where I burn the rice and you make fun of me for it. I want lazy Sundays and soft arguments and kisses, just like weâve always done it.â
You looked at him, heart aching with how badly you wanted to believe in all of it and how, against all odds, you did. âYouâre serious?â You asked softly, squeezing his hand back.
He placed a hand over his heart in a rare show of insecurity. âI would place a piece of my soul in every time and place youâd ever felt lonely, just so you wouldnât be alone. I love you enough for the both of us, and there must be something about me worth loving if you would just seeââ
You leaned in and kissed him the moment he parked, slow and sweet and full of the kind of hope neither of you had dared to hold onto before. When you pulled away, his forehead rested against yours. âI want that too,â you whispered. âI want everything with you, Hongjoong.â
He exhaled like heâd been holding that breath for years. âThen we start today,â he smiled as bright as the brightest star. âWe say hello to your parents. We tell them youâre safe, then we build a life thatâs entirely ours, okay?â
You nodded, your smile trembling. You finally look up at the sky after all these years, tearing up as the clouds seem to part way for the sun to finally shine, the rays beaming down at your parentsâ tombstones. Finally, justice has been served, they can rest in peace now. You couldnât help but stare if only for a little while.
Hongjoong approached the stones first, his head bowing low between them. He placed one hand gently on your motherâs grave, the other on your fatherâs. He didnât speak loudly, but you saw his lips move, whispering something too quiet for even you to hear. It couldâve been anything - a greeting, a promise, or perhaps maybe even a thank you.
You didnât ask what he said. You didnât need to. For the first time, the cemetery didnât feel like an end. It felt like a door closing softly behind you because the weight of grief was gone now. They could rest and so could you. You stood by Hongjoongâs side smiling at him as he gave you a small kiss on the forehead, coaxing you to talk to your own parents just like he did.
You brought your hands to your lips, kissed your palms, and pressed them reverently to each stone. âRest easy now, Mom, Dad,â you whispered full of love and release, voice catching as you tried not to tear up. âIâm safe now, and Iâm very happy. Happier than Iâd ever been.â
You turned to look at the man standing just a few steps behind you - your husband, your protector, your love - watching you with a smile so soft, it nearly broke you open again. âIâm married now. Itâs Hongjoong, remember him? Please bless our marriage, I really love him,â you paused, taking a deep breath. âI-I wish you were both here, I miss youâŚâ
Then, slowly, you stepped back and began to walk away, hand in hand with Hongjoong. But before, you glanced back one last time, your heart feeling lighter at the sight of the wind blowing from the tombstones to your face lightly. You couldnât help the serene smile on your face.
Hongjoong will take over now, heâll take care of me like you wouldâve wanted.
You were thirty-four years old when you finally found your peace that didnât feel like a surrender this time and instead felt like home, hand in hand with the love of your life.
đ˝đđs - @keopihaus @dove-net @othersideoutlawsnetwork @illusionnet @pirateeznet @ksmutsociety @cromernet
Dividers by: @enchanthings and @anitalenia
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LET ME BACK IN

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WHAT DO YOU MEAN ITS OVER

PEACH EYES âś YUNHO
CH08 Open Arms â END
â You and your insufferable ex, an opinionated real estate agent named Yunho, are constantly bickering whenever you see eachother. He thinks you're too idealistic, and you think he's just a selfish prick. The bickering feels endless, until Yunho shows up at your doorstep at dawn, exhausted from a work night out, with a crying baby in his arms and desperation in his eyes.
The plan is simple at first: hand the child over to the nearest authorities and be done with the situation. But then, you find a note tucked in the baby's blanket. The mother, on the run and out of options, begs whoever finds her son to care for him until she can return.
For once, you and Yunho call a truce, deciding to temporarily take care of the baby... at least just until you figure out what to do next.
Pairing: Ex!Yunho x AFAB! Reader
Content: Exes to Enemies to Lovers, Lots of Bickering, Fluff, Angst, Smut, Second Chance, Miscarriage, OCD
Note: As you may have noticed this has a sensitive content so if that makes you uncomfortable don't interact with the posts related to it!
PREVIOUS
Peach eyes and blue skies
That same night, Haneul sleeps between you and Yunho, his tiny chest rising and falling in a peaceful rhythm.
His small fingers twitch slightly, lost in his little dreams. Neither of you can stop staring at him, enchanted by the quiet world between you.
Yunho rests his large hand on Haneulâs belly, his thumb rubbing gently in slow, soothing circles. The baby sighs softly in his sleep.
âI feel so emotional,â you confess in the intimate moment in your childhood bedroom, your voice barely above a whisper. âHeâs here.â
Yunho smiles, his eyes soft as he watches Haneul. âHe really is.â His voice is full of something unspoken.
Maybe relief, maybe love, maybe even a sense of fate.
His heart feels lighter, and so does yours.
You rest your head on your hand, elbow propped against the pillow beneath you, and trace your finger down Haneulâs chubby little cheek. Heâs so warm, so real.
âYunho?â you murmur.
âHm?â
âI think⌠in the future⌠we should try again.â
Yunho turns his head toward you so fast you hear his neck crack a bit. âHuh?â
Your cheeks burn, and youâre grateful for the darkness hiding your flustered expression. âI-I mean, we should try having a baby again.â
His breath catches, but he doesnât speak right away.
âAre you sure?â he finally asks, his voice careful, as if heâs afraid to hope.
âYeah⌠Are you?â
âWhat do you mean?â
âI mean⌠do you want to try having a baby with me again? N-Not now, because we already have Haneul, but maybe in the near future, when he turns two or three?â
The hesitation disappears from his face, replaced by something so pure, so certain. âOf course Iâll have a baby with you. I canât imagine having a baby with anyone else.â
You see his smile, and yours mirrors his without even thinking.
And then, as you look at him, it truly sinks in.
How much heâs a reflection of you.
The two of you may be different in so many ways, but he holds all the best parts of you.
Just like you hold every best part of him.
â˘
Yunho sits on the couch in your new living room, Haneul perched on his lap with tiny hands pressed against Yunhoâs chest as he sings softly.
The little boyâs eyes are wide with fascination, feeling the vibrations of Yunhoâs chest.
He tries to mimic the melody, babbling his own version of the words, skipping the ones he doesnât know yet.
âAre you two having fun?â you announce as you step through the door.
âMamaaa!â Haneul cheers the moment he hears your voice. His little legs move as fast as they can as he climbs off Yunhoâs lap and rushes to greet you.
He wraps his arms around your legs, giggling.
âHi, Bear! I missed you so much.â
âHi, Peach,â Yunho greets, walking over to place a soft kiss on your lips. âDinnerâs ready.â
âLet me take a quick shower first. Iâm exhausted,â you say with a tired smile. âBut I have good news.â
Haneul lifts his arms eagerly. âUp, Mommy! Up!â
âNot now, baby bear, Mama has her outside clothes on,â you say gently. âJust a bit longer.â
Haneulâs bottom lip juts out, his big round eyes welling up dramatically. âNooo, Mommyy up, pease?â
You sigh in defeat, laughing as you quickly take off your coat and scoop him up. He immediately presses a wet, sloppy kiss to your cheek.
âSee? Not that bad,â Yunho teases, coming up behind you to kiss your temple. âBut whatâs the good news?â
You grin. âStarchild is going to be published. I got the yes for the project from our partners.â
âWhaaat?â Yunho exclaims, eyes bright with excitement. âThatâs amazing, Peach, itâs your dream!â
âI know! Iâm so excited. They loved the idea, and I seriously canât wait to share it with the world.â
Later, after a warm shower, you settle onto the couch, fresh and comfortable.
Haneul snuggles into you, babbling about his day with Yunho.
How they went to the pool, how he saw mommy fishies, and how the water was boo, wed, anâ geen. He proudly holds up three little fingers.
You listen intently, nodding and smiling, pressing a kiss to his chubby cheek every time he looks at you for reassurance.
When Yunho joins you both, wrapping an arm around you, your heart swells with love. Love for Haneul, love for Yunho, love for the life youâre building together.
â˘
âHaneul, pancakes orrrr waffles?"
" 'Cakes!" he exclaims from his high chair, clapping his hands.
"Good choice, baby," you tell him with a smile. "Strawberry?"
"Berryyy," he nods eagerly, taking the fruit from your hand. He suckles on it first, savoring the sweetness before taking a small bite.
You love days like this when youâre working from home, just you and Haneul. Heâs such a gentle baby, hardly ever fussy, always eager to be a part of whatever you're doing.
Sometimes, when you're drawing, you set out a box of crayons and a sheet of paper for him, watching as he scribbles in delight.
Other times, like now, you get a sudden urge to make pancakes just for the fun of it, and he keeps you company, happily munching on the small slices of fruit you prepare for him.
You make sure to smash the blueberries so he doesnât choke, and he eats them up slowly, his lips smacking as he tastes the sweetness.
âIs it good?â you ask, watching him chew.
âGood, Mommy,â he mumbles through a mouthful, nodding.
His hair has grown longer, and to your surprise, curlier with each passing day.
Yunho keeps saying he needs a haircut soon, but you can't bring yourself to schedule it just yet.
You love tying his hair up in a tiny ponytail, love the way his curls twist around your fingers.
Especially at night, when he refuses to sleep unless you're playing with his hair. Every evening, you lay beside him, telling him stories, your fingers gently threading through his soft curls as his eyes droop shut.
You never thought you could love someone this much.
This tiny human holds your entire world in his little hands, without even knowing it. And thatâs the beauty of it because one day, he'll grow up.
As much as you want to ignore that thought, he'll explore the world on his own someday.
But right now, he only has you and Yunho. It's up to you to teach him about kindness, honesty, and patience. About how the world is so big, and he is still so small, perfectly fitting into your arms.
And it's like having your own heartbeat living outside your chest. All you want is to keep him safe.
San visits in the afternoon, immediately taking over playtime with Haneul while you serve up some pancakes.
You cut a few bites for Haneul, but as always, he insists on sharing.
"No, baby, I have my own," you chuckle when he holds out a small piece toward you.
He pouts, determined. âMommy, pease!â
You sigh in defeat, taking the piece into your mouth. "Mmm, so good! Thank you, Hannie."
Satisfied, he happily munches on another bite.
"He speaks so well for a two year old," San remarks, watching him in awe.
"We talk to him normally," you explain. "We found out baby talk actually makes it worse. He still calls turtles âtoodlesâ though, and we think it's so cute. I hope he never learns to say it properly."
San turns to Haneul with a mischievous grin. "Haneul, say 'turtle' for me."
Haneul's eyes light up. He takes a deep breath, then proudly shouts, "Tooooodles!"
San bursts out laughing, and you can't help but join in.
âThe house looks really nice,â San comments after a while, glancing around. âLove the decor. Itâs super cozy, even though the space is big.â
"Believe it or not, Yunho helped with most of it," you admit, taking another bite of your food. "He said my apartment felt like a hospital before."
San snorts. "I mean, he wasn't wrong. It wasnât about the disinfectant smell or anything, but everything was just... white."
"I liked it like that," you argue, grinning. "But yeah, this feels like home too."
His expression softens. "And how are you doing? With, you know... the OCD and everything?"
You set your fork down, wiping your mouth before answering. âRight now? Iâve been managing it. Itâs mostly about cleaning now. ButâŚâ
You glance at Haneul, and San immediately understands.
"Itâs more about keeping him safe. He needs to be close to me, or my thoughts start racing. Like at the grocery store per example, I don't want him touching anything, and I donât want him wandering away. My therapist says it's normal, but... it's a lot."
âYouâre scared heâll get hurt?â
âOr sick.â
San nods, thoughtful. âI mean, itâs completely normal to worry about your kid. But you also have to remember that you canât shield him from everything forever.â
âI know,â you sigh. âItâs not a rational thought. I know he has to face the world eventually. Itâs justâŚâ
Your voice trails off, and as if sensing the weight of the conversation, Haneul simply shoves another fistful of pancake into his mouth, happily oblivious.
San reaches over, gently ruffling the top of his head. âHe still has so much time, Y/N.â Then, with a teasing grin, he adds, âAnd heâs such a mommaâs boy. Arenât you, Haneul? Do you like Uncle San?â
Haneul nods, chewing. "Mhm," he hums before San playfully pinches his cheek.
San stays for a while before heading home.
That evening, you give Haneul a warm bath and dress him in his softest pajamas, his tiny arms wrapping around your neck as you carry him to the living room.
When Yunho finally arrives home, Haneul is quick to run to him.
âDaaaaddy!â he shouts, throwing himself at Yunhoâs legs.
Yunho scoops him up effortlessly, pressing a big, dramatic kiss to his cheek. âHi, baby bear!â He sets him down gently before turning to you.
Then, with that same soft smile, he leans in, pressing a warm kiss to your lips. âHi, Peach.â
You hum against him, resting your forehead against his for a second.
"Hi, love."
â˘
You and Yunho react at the same time.
Your eyes are locked on the pregnancy test sitting on the bathroom sink, and for a moment, it feels like youâve been thrown back in time.
That same rush in your chest, that same weight settling in the pit of your stomach.
"Peach," Yunho says, his voice quieter than usual. His gaze stays fixed on the result so clear, undeniable.
You had noticed the symptoms.
The fatigue, the nausea, the subtle changes in your body. But somewhere in the back of your mind, you had pushed away the obvious answer.
Youâre pregnant.
"Yunho," you murmur, finally tearing your eyes away from the test to look at him. "Are we doing this?"
"It's all up to you," he says, his tone steady, patient.
You inhale sharply.
This isnât like before. Youâre not in college anymore, struggling to make sense of an uncertain future.
You have your dream job, financial stability, a home.
Yet, somehow, you still feel so lost.
Then, Yunho's hands settle firmly on your shoulders, grounding you.
Youâre not doing this alone.
A slow breath fills your lungs, and when you exhale, you nod. "Weâre doing this."
His lips brush your temple. "Alright," he whispers. "Iâm here. Always."
You squeeze his hand, voice barely above a whisper. "I know. But Iâm scared. What if-"
"No," he says gently, cutting off your doubt before it can spiral. "Letâs not think about that, aight?"
Telling Haneul turns out to be easier than you expected.
You and Yunho decide to wait for the right moment, and it comes not long after his third birthday.
That evening, Yunho sits him down on the couch while you both kneel in front of him.
His dark curls frame his face in soft open coils, and his big curious eyes blink at you, waiting.
"Am I in troubles?" he asks, voice small.
You smile, shaking your head. "No, baby. Mommy and Daddy just want to talk to you about something important."
He nods, trusting, ready to listen.
"You know how Mommy has two brothers? Uncle Sammy and Uncle Danny?"
Haneul nods again.
"Well," you continue, glancing at Yunho before turning back to your son. "How would you feel about having a little brother or sister?"
His eyes go wide. "Brother orrr sister?"
"Yeah, a little baby here with us," you say gently.
Haneul's eyes widen as he processes your words.
Heâs too young to fully understand, but heâs grasping the idea in his own way.
"But Mommy is my mommy!" he states firmly, as if you might have forgotten.
You smile. "Yes, baby, Iâll always be your mommy. But now, youâre going to be a big brother! Thereâs going to be a baby here with us."
His mouth opens slightly, then closes again as he turns to Yunho, silently asking his dad to explain.
"Weâre still going to be your parents, bud," Yunho reassures him. "And weâll love you just the same. That will never change."
Haneul nods slowly, considering this. "A babyâs nice," he finally decides.
"Thereâs one growing inside Mommyâs tummy right now," you tell him, "but itâs still very, very small."
Haneul looks down at your stomach with wide eyes. "A baby in there?"
You pinch your fingers together. "This tiny."
His own little fingers mimic yours, and Yunho chuckles. "And soon, theyâll get bigger and bigger."
And as time passes, the baby does get bigger and bigger. And so does your belly.
With each passing day, Haneulâs curiosity grows too.
One afternoon, you lounge on the garden couch, mango sorbet in hand, while Haneul rests his head against your belly. His tiny hands tap gently, waiting, wondering if heâll feel his sibling move.
"Hi, baby," he says softly to your belly.
You smile, threading your fingers through his curls and rubbing his scalp gently. "You know, the baby can hear you now. You should talk to them more often."
Haneul lifts his head to look at you, skeptical. "Is a baby really in there?" He scrunches his nose. "Isss weird."
You chuckle. "Yeah, it is weird. Even for me."
Later that day, youâre outside tending to the garden. Haneul helps in his own way, patting the soil and brushing his fingers lightly over the rose petals.
As you carefully trim the dry stems, he suddenly turns to you.
"Mommy," he says, tilting his head. "All da babies stays in the belly?"
You nod, wiping a stray bit of dirt from your hand. "Yes, babies stay in the belly so that mommies can keep them safe and warm."
He blinks up at you, thoughtful. "Was I in your belly too?"
You freeze for a second.
Setting down the gardening shears and slipping off your gloves, you turn to face him.
He looks so sweet under the sun, his tiny hat slightly askew, his bright brown eyes filled with innocent curiosity.
"You didnât grow in mommyâs belly," you say gently, squeezing his little hands. "But you were inside one."
His brows furrow. "Why?"
You smooth a curl away from his forehead. "Well, not all babies grow in their mommyâs bellies. You grew in another belly, but you were always meant to be with us."
He presses his lips together in a little pout (that reminds you of a baby duck) thinking hard. Then, after a few moments, he nods.
You cup his cheek, rubbing your thumb over his soft skin. "Daddy and I were so happy to find you and bring you home. Because you are our baby, and we love you so, so much, baby bear."
Haneul doesnât say anything. He just steps forward and wraps his arms around you.
You pull him close, holding him tight, blinking rapidly to keep the tears from falling.
And when he squeezes you back just as tightly, you know that, in his own way, he understands.
â˘
You donât remember the day you left Yunhoâs house with your things.
You donât remember what you ate, what you wore, or even how you felt.
You only remember Yunhoâs heartbroken face, the way he begged you to stay to just listen.
It had been a rash decision, one you werenât even sure was the right one.
But it happened.
Now, heâs lying with his head on your lap, one big hand spread protectively over your pregnant belly as he presses soft kisses to the lower swell of it.
Haneul is napping in his room, and the two of you are lazily curled up in the living room, just like always.
Youâre scrolling through Ikea, looking for a crib, Yunhoâs black card resting on the couch beside you.
"Get crazy, but not too crazy," he had told you with a grin.
âYour kisses are tickling me,â you murmur, reaching down to smooth his hair back.
He smiles lazily, eyes half lidded. âOh yeah?â
âMhm.â
âCanât blame me,â he mumbles against your skin. âYou look so pretty, Peach.â
You snort. âI look normal.â
âNah, itâs the- whatchamacallit? Ahhhh.â He snaps his fingers. âPregnancy glow.â
âI feel crusty.â
âI like you a little crusty.â
You roll your eyes, turning your iPad toward him. âWhat do you think of this one?â
A white wooden crib, spacious and elegant, fills the screen. âItâs super cute.â
Yunho glances at it and nods. âI like it. You pick, I build, remember?â
âHeâs your baby too.â
âHe?â
Your eyes widen. "Ah, shitâŚ"
âWait- you know the gender? But we promised!â
âI knooow, but I got too curious, and I asked the doctor later⌠Sorry.â
Yunho stares at you, then sits up abruptly. âWeâre having a boy?â
âYup.â You sigh dramatically. âThree boys against me. So fun.â
He smirks. âAgainst you? Haneul is a total mommaâs boy, and so will this one be. Plus, you forgot Iâm absolutely obsessed with you?â
âYou say that now, but I know you guys are gonna gang up on me.â You put the iPad down and cross your arms.
He grins, tilting his head. âYou know, my mom said she had a feeling we were having a boy. Said your belly was too round for a girl.â
âI thought it was the opposite?â
âHonestly?â He shrugs. âI have no clue either.â
You shake your head with a soft chuckle.
âIâm just so excited,â Yunho continues, eyes glowing. âWeâre getting closer and closer every day.â
âHaneulâs excited too,â you say, running a hand over your belly. âHe always wants to feel his little brother kicking, itâs hilarious.â
âWait till he finds out heâs officially getting a little brother,â Yunho laughs, resting his hand over your stomach again. âOh, boy.â
â˘
Jihun was born in late June.
The day had been long and exhausting, but the moment you held him in your arms, it felt like your life had finally fallen into place.
Yunho was completely in love. He cradled your son with such care, mesmerized at how tiny he was in his hands.
âRemember how I used to panic when I bathed Haneul?â he tells his mom, eyes still locked on Jihun. âYeah⌠that panic is back but Jihun is so much smaller.â
His mother laughs, shaking her head. âHeâs a perfect mix of the both of you.â
But nothing compares to the moment Haneul meets his baby brother for the first time.
You help him settle on the couch, carefully guiding his little arms as you place Jihun in them.
Haneulâs eyes widen, filled with awe, as he takes in his tiny brother. After a moment, he leans down and presses a soft kiss to the top of Jihunâs head.
âYouâre a big brother now, Hannie,â Yunho tells him, ruffling his curls. âYouâre in for life.â
Haneul barely blinks, completely focused on Jihun. âHeâs small,â he whispers. âSo, so, so small.â
But then Jihun starts crying, and instantly, both Yunho and Haneul freeze, looking at each other in sheer panic.
You laugh, shaking your head as you adjust Jihun in your arms.
Feeding him is thankfully easy because he latches on after just a few tries, already proving to be an eager little eater.
When you finally get home a few days later, itâs a breath of fresh air.
But then, something shifts.
You should clean everything. Youâve been away.
The house is dirty.
The baby could get sick.
We donât want the baby to-
âYunho, we need to clean the house.â
Yunho glances up from where heâs placing bags down, immediately noticing the way youâre clutching Jihun a little tighter.
âPeach,â he says softly, âour moms tidied up while we were at the hospital. Everythingâs fine. You gave birth and need to rest, alright?â
But you shake your head, brows furrowing. âI just donât want him to get sick.â
Yunho steps closer, his hands coming to cup your face gently. âHe wonât,â he reassures you. âI promise.â
â˘
âMama, looksss!â Jihun calls excitedly.
Itâs a beautiful Sunday morning, and the four of you have come to the lake for a picnic.
The boys run around in their swim shorts with their dad while you lounge by the shore with a book, deciding to take a dip every now and then.
Haneul sits beside you, his attention half on his sandwich and half on his little brother, whoâs been busy exploring the area while Yunho struggles with a stubborn beer bottle opener.
When you finally look up, you jump back with a startled yelp.
Haneul, now seven and very aware, shrieks too, immediately ducking behind you.
âIssa a froggy, Mommy!â Jihun beams, holding up a frog and not a small one, either- right in front of your face.
âJih, put that down!â Haneul shouts, voice filled with pure disgust.
But Jihun, ever the troublemaker that he is, only smirks before taking off after his brother.
âNoooo!â Haneul wails, sprinting toward Yunho for safety while Jihun chases him with the poor frog still in hand.
Yunho laughs but quickly steps in. âJihun, stop chasing your brother,â he says firmly. Jihun finally listens, though the mischievous glint in his eyes remains.
Yunho turns to Haneul. âBud, the frogâs not gonna hurt you.â
âI know that, but itâs slimeyyy!â Haneul grimaces, shuddering.
âSlimeyy? Nooo, froggy's sticky!â Jihun sings, clearly pleased with himself.
âYou better not touch me with those hands!â Haneul warns, pointing a finger at his little brother.
Jihun only giggles in response.
Yunho shakes his head, amused, before crouching down. âAlright, Jih, letâs put the frog back where he belongs. And then we wash your hands.â
Jihun pouts but listens, following his dad to release the frog near the water before heading off to rinse his hands.
Haneul was always the gentler, more obedient child. Heâs quiet, thoughtful, and careful.
Jihun, on the other hand, was his complete opposite. Fearless, adventurous, always testing his limits.
They were different in every way, yet you loved them both endlessly.
Now, Jihun sits on your lap as you feed him grapes, while Haneul leans against Yunho, happily munching on another sandwich.
You take in the moment.
The laughter, the warmth of the sun, the sound of the water lapping against the shore.
You couldnât be happier.
â˘
"What was your inspiration for Starchild?" a reporter asks.
The microphone in front of you feels heavier than it should, as if pressuring you to speak.
Hundreds of eyes are on you, waiting, hanging onto your words.
Last month, you finally released Starchild, your debut comic book about an alien boy adopted by human parents, who later discovers he has superpowers to protect his city from monsters and villains.
It had been well received, earning strong ratings, and now, you were here at a press conference to talk about your first solo project.
From the front row, Yeosang watches you, his gaze full of pride and encouragement.
You take a steadying breath.
You can do this.
âItâs a really long story,â you begin. âFor the longest time, while working on Monster Babysitters, I kept my focus away from the public eye. When the opportunity to debut my own comic came, I wonât lie I was terrified. Even though it was my dream.â
The room is silent, reporters leaning in, listening closely.
âA few years ago, my then ex-boyfriend, showed up at my place with a baby he had found alone on the street.â
Gasps ripple through the room.
Keyboards clack furiously, pens scratching against notepads.
âThat baby changed my entire life.â Your throat tightens, but you push through. âI was in a very dark place, but every time I held him, the world didnât seem as cruel. It didnât feel as contaminated or hopeless as I had made it out to be.â
You swallow hard, grounding yourself.
âAnd then, I realized, I could just love him. With all my heart. My little star. My piece of heaven. He made me want to be better, to fight my inner battles, to build a world where he could be safe, far from pain, far from monsters.â
You pause for a moment, collecting your thoughts before finally saying,
âI wrote this comic book in honor of my son. My Haneul.â
The crowd reacts instantly, some moved, some whispering among themselves.
âEven though heâs not my biological son, he is mine,â you say, voice unwavering.
â˘
âMommy," Haneul whispers one night, his bright brown eyes searching for yours.
The same eyes that seem to carry the weight of the world.
From the other room, you hear Yunho softly singing Jihun to sleep.
âYes, Hannie?â You smooth down his curls. âIs everything alright?â
âToday at school, Miss Kim told us about where mommies and daddies have their babies,â he says matter of factly. âAnd I know I didnât grow inside your belly. I have you and Dad, but⌠where is the mommy that had me in her belly?â
Your heart clenches.
You had imagined this conversation so many times, played out endless scenarios in your head.
You always planned to tell him later, when he was older, when he had the space to process it in his own way.
But thereâs no perfect time for this conversation.
âHannieâŚâ You start, but before you can continue, Yunho steps into the room.
âHey, bud,â he says, kneeling beside you and pressing a kiss to Haneulâs head. âCame to say goodnight.â
âThanks, Dad.â Haneul closes his eyes for a second, then looks back at you, waiting. A sign to continue.
You take a breath. âYour dad can tell you how he found you.â You smile at Yunho, seeing the way his expression softens. Itâs okay this time, you silently reassure him.
Haneul can understand.
Yunho studies your face, then nods before turning to Haneul.
âWanna hear it, bud?â
Haneul nods, gripping the covers tightly, as if bracing himself.
So Yunho tells him. About the night he found him. About how, without thinking, he walked straight to your house, as if something in him knew where Haneul belonged.
How the two of you took care of him for a month, how you both helped, and how you refused to leave his side.
Haneul listens to every word.
âRemember when Jihunâs turtle passed away?â Yunho asks gently. âShe went to the stars.â
Haneul blinks. âIs my mom in the stars too?â
You and Yunho both nod.
Haneul doesnât cry. He doesnât yell. How can he mourn someone he never knew?
âShe loved you so much, Hannie,â you say softly, squeezing his hand. âShe wanted what was best for you. Sometimes the world is unfair, and she had to give up her own happiness to keep you safe.â Your voice wavers, and tears slip down your cheeks.
Haneul sits up and hugs you tightly. âDonât cry, Mommy.â
You hold him closer, kissing his hair. âI love you so much, baby bear.â
âI love you too, Mommy.â He pulls back just enough to look at you, then turns to Yunho. âI love you too, Dad.â
Yunho kisses his cheek and wraps his arms around him. âI love you too, bud.â
âAnd Iâm happy youâre my parents,â Haneul says, voice firm with quiet certainty. âI wouldnât choose anyone else in the world. You took care of me.â
You brush your fingers over his cheek, smiling through your tears. âWeâd choose you every time, my love.â
After tucking him back into bed, you and Yunho press a final kiss to the top of his head.
Just as you reach the doorway, you pause.
âHannie?â
âHm?â He blinks sleepily at you.
âYou have her eyes.â
You know he understands.
A/N: AAANNNDDD SCENE! this was the last chapter of peach eyes! i really hope everyone enjoyed the story as much as i enjoyed writing it teehee.
i said this before but i was not meant to even post it in the first place. but then i decided to step a bit outside of my comfort zone and continued writing it.
i appreciate every single interaction and the constant love the fic had! it really warmed my heart and continued to motivate and pushed me to keep going.
if anyone has any questions feel free to either ask me in the replies, drop it on my asks or even dm it me >.<
love u lots and see u next time mwah
đŚŚđ¤
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and if it stops snowing? then count the stars in the sky

genre: poly doctors!ateez x doctor fem!reader, hospital romance, established relationship, slow burn, fluff, angst
length:Â 39.7k
c/w: slow burn in reverse, work/life burnout, heavy medical themes (death, cancer) and mentions of medical procedures (medication, needles, chemotherapy, surgery), grief and crying, brief mentions of self-harm (hitting, pinching), mental breakdowns, workplace misogyny and nepotism, profanity, kissing, non-sexual nudity, m x m interactions
synopsis: after transferring during the last year of your residency program, you work alongside your eight boyfriends at kq hospital. it becomes harder to keep your relationship the same as it used to be as you all navigate the respective challenges of being doctors and nurses. you come to experience love and loss in both warmth and coldness, but only one of them will keep your relationship alive.
a/n:Â please read the tags carefully as this is probably my heaviest fic in terms of the themes and struggles being explored. mandatory shoutout @sorryimananti-romantic for putting up with my snail-pace writing speed the last five months :)

nobody talks about how ironic it feels to work in the hospital during the holidays, particularly christmas.
in any other establishment that is open, be it a restaurant, cafe, retail store or convenience mart, employees are greeted kindly with festive cheerâwarm wishes and sincere smiles from one stranger to another. but nobody walks into the hospital on christmas with laughter and gratitude for the assistance of the doctors and nurses, because nobody wants to be at the hospital.
nobody plans to spend the day there, either.
where white embodies the nature of christmas itselfâjoy, celebration, festivity, snowâit changes the moment you step through the sliding glass doors of the hospitalâs entrance. white is the sterile and detached appearance of the tiled floors and coated walls. it is the bedsheets and linen of the ward beds which fall short of mimicking home. it is the authoritative coats of the doctors who are the arbiters between life and death; the very same coat that jongho currently wears over his scrubs.
you are reminded of this dystopian juxtaposition as you and five others gather around your phone from the brightness of the cosy living room in your shared apartment, talking to jongho over facetime while he hides in a storage room for five minutes of respite.
in the background of your video, the fairy lights blink rhythmically on the christmas tree and reflect off the glossy wrappers of the presents placed underneath its bottom branches. behind jongho, there are shelves of medication that you can recognise as the anaesthetics and anticoagulants solely from the colours of their labels, even in the hazy darkness of the storage room.
âyou wonât fucking believe the number of grannies iâve had to explain to today that no, they cannot go home for christmas because they literally just came out of open-heart surgery ten hours ago,â jongho rubs his temples.
yeosang laughs quietly from beside you, amusement poorly concealed behind his hands. you fondly admonish him with a light slap to his thigh but cannot deny the smile that tugs at your lips too.
rushing in for damage control, seonghwa asks, âhowâs mingi?â
âtired as fuuuck,â jongho snickers whilst dragging out his words smugly, as if his own eye bags do not reach the middle of his cheeks. the way he lacks the self-control to police his language is also evidence of his utter exhaustion. âlast i heard, he was dealing with a couple who had gotten a bauble ornament stuck up the dudeâs ass because they wanted to try something âfestiveâ or some shit like that.â
the stories you hear from the emergency department never fail to amaze you with what the human mind can think of doing. it is natural selection at its finestâexhibit a, b, all the way to fucking z. wooyoung gets an absolute kick out of it every single time though, so there is that.
âplain stupidity,â hongjoong rolls his eyes in exasperation. âpeople need to stop adding to our caseload.â
you chuckle with agreement. âwhat about yunho? did you get to see him?â
âheâs in surgery,â jongho shakes his head. ânot sure what for, but i havenât heard from him all day so it must be a pretty complicated one.â
the conversation is cut short when his pager goes off. jongho curses, downing the last of his coffee in one large gulp and grimacing from the stale and grainy taste. he crumples the empty paper cup before he apologises, âi have to go. sorry we couldnât spend christmas together.â
from over the phone, you and your boys refute him with comforting utterances of âdonât beâs, followed by warm exchanges of âmerry christmasâs.
âi love you all,â jongho murmurs shyly, the end of a call the only time other than whispered confessions in the safety of a bed where he is comfortable enough to express himself so intimately.
you respond giddily, âlove you too,â at the same time your other boyfriends also return the same spoken sentiments. then the youngest ends the call, rushing to attend to an abnormal ECG reading for a patient.
san lets out a sad little sigh as the screen of your phone turns off. his fingers continue to absentmindedly tousle the back of yours and yeosangâs heads whilst wondering, âwhen will we get to celebrate christmas together? i donât think all nine of us have ever been free on the same day since we started dating.â
âmost of you finish your residency in just over a year, and jongho in two,â seonghwa fondly pinches sanâs cheeks, a bittersweet smile adorning his own face, âso maybe the year after that?â
piping up from your other side, wooyoung suggests to the oldest, âor, hear me outâyou and hongjoong work while the rest of us stay at home.â
âand do what,â hongjoong narrows his eyes.
âlook pretty,â you say in unison with wooyoung, twin grins of mischief flashing at the only registered doctor and clinical nurse specialist in your relationship.
seonghwa laughs endearingly as hongjoong pretends he is not. the rounds of your cheeks settle with warmth when seonghwa leans down to place a sweet kiss against the corner of your mouth in between a teasing, âi wouldnât mind that.â
it draws out a girlish giggle from you, forever unable to curb the feeling of butterflies in your stomach whenever you are with your boys, even more so with the intoxication of christmas itselfâthe season of love. wooyoung tilts his cheek out expectantly for his own kiss at the same time hongjoong scruffs the oldest by the neck with a playful chide, âtheyâre going to actually drop out from the residency program at this rate, hwa.â
but hongjoong is smitten, as you all are for one another, and contrary to his words there is adoration dripping from his gazeâŚonly for it to immediately disappear when wooyoung punches his forearm.
âkiss me, peasant!â wooyoung demands.
âthatâs it,â hongjoong snaps and the younger screeches as his neck becomes wrapped in a headlock. in retaliation, wooyoung bites the skin that is within reach, setting off a high-pitched yelp.
yeosang stands up so you take it as your cue to do the same, both of you tucking your chairs under the dining table as san and seonghwa step back from the commotion. you grab your phone then walk away with the three of them to the continued sound of petty slaps and childish bickering.
just another normal day.
âshould we sleep in the main bedroom tonight?â
at your suggestion, san wraps his arms around you from behind. his voice rumbles with enthusiasm that you can feel against your back and you sink into his embrace as he agrees, âgood idea, love.â
the main bedroom is quite literally a bed room. it consists of numerous platform beds pushed together to makeâfor lack of better descriptionâan XXXXXXXXL bed. there is nothing else in the room, any and all visible space taken up by the beds as it is the only way to create a surface size comfortable for all nine of you to sleep together.
there are only double or twin beds in the remaining normal bedrooms because frankly, you all need quality sleep for your jobs. between all of your on-call shifts, leaving the house and arriving home at random hours of the day, it is just easier to sleep separately on most nights. plus, despite the fact that you are all earning more than the average salary already, there is still a fuckload of student debt to pay off and mattresses are fucking expensive. hence, you make do with the one room where you splurged your money.
âiâll let the others know,â yeosang states. he pulls out his phone to send a text to the group chat. mingi and jongho were unlucky enough to have drawn the short end of the stick with a 24-hour shift, and yunho had apparently been placed on surgery. so although it is not the ideal nine of you, you have long learnt to accept that there will almost always be at least two absent at any one time.
seonghwa has already made himself comfortable in the centre of the mattresses when you walk into the bedroom. he lifts the edge of the blanket, arms beckoning for you to cuddle him. you toe off your slippers and crawl into his arms, slotting yourself perfectly against his chest as he tucks you under his chin and covers you with the blanket that is warm from his body heat.
the bed dips again from the weight of somebody else slipping in behind you. he curls around you, a sturdy arm gently cradling your waist with a comforting weight. you can immediately tell that it is san simply from the way his body feels against yoursâyou would be able to tell any of them apart simply from the way they held you, even if you were to lose your sense of sight.
slowly tracing a finger along the prominent veins on sanâs forearm, the bed suddenly rocks with a gleeful shout before the three of you are crushed under an energetic mass. âwooyoung!â you gasp between exasperated fondness and he giggles whilst squirming to make himself space within the cuddle pile.
san moves over so the younger can slot in beside you whilst extending an arm out to his side. it wraps around yeosang to tuck him into the group, and hongjoong settles in last behind seonghwa on the outside edge. there is a bit of further wriggling as you all adjust yourselves comfortably, but eventually your arms and legs twist together snugly. with seonghwaâs fingers languidly combing through your hair, fingertips grazing your scalp with each repetitive motion, you drift off to the boysâ low whispers and enter a dreamy haze of cackling fire and fluttering snow.
it is well into the early hours of the next morning when one of the trio comes home. the soft click of the front door wakes you up, your body used to sleeping lightly from years of on-call shifts. your ears slowly drag you back into the realms of consciousness as you listen.
there is a dull thud and a muffled âowâ that tells you it is yunho, the only one who has somehow made it a habit of his to bump his head on the cabinet every time he bends down to put his sneakers away. as his soft footsteps pad down the hallway, you track his path mentally in your head; to the open dining room to place his messenger bag down on one of the chairs, to the bathroom to wash his face and his hands, then finally to the main bedroom.
to see his lovers.
yunho nudges the door open with bated breath in hopes that he does not wake anybody up. a smile immediately spreads across his face, unable to contain his fondness at the sight that greets him as his eyes adjust to the darkness. within the hands of slumber, you and the boys have slowly spread yourselves out across the mattresses. still, you somehow manage to find each other through the tangle of blanketsâseonghwaâs fingers wrapped loosely around your wrist; the tip of wooyoungâs nose nudging your forearmâunwilling to completely separate even in your unconsciousness.
your body dips with the mattress under yunhoâs weight when he carefully inches towards you. his sturdy arms hold his frame over your smaller one and you pretend to be asleep just to feel the protective tenderness with which he dips his head slowly to press the softest of kisses against your temple. his warm lips worship your skin with the reverence a butterfly would land upon the prettiest of flowers.
in the magical remnants of an enchanted pre-dawn, yunho whispers bittersweetly, âsorry iâm late, y/n. merry christmas.â then he tucks the blanket more snugly around you, cocooning you in both warmth and love before he pushes himself back off the bed to leave.
as much as he wants to hold you and his boys, yunho has not yet showered. he is exhausted to his very core, unable to bring himself to the arduous task of showering when he can barely keep his eyes open. so he retires himself to one of the other bedrooms instead even though it is the last thing any of you want.
but all of you are used to it. none of you are strangers to coming home in the ghostly hours of night, fighting off debilitating weariness long enough only to check on the others briefly before falling against a mattress away from the clean warmth of somebody's arms.
it is the career and life that you have all chosen. it is just another normal day.
and it is this exact self-sacrificial nature within the medical field that is easily forgotten and overlooked. you and your boys sacrifice your holidays with loved ones to ensure other people get to go back to their loved ones for the holidays. it comes with the price of time, freedom and memories.
but what can also happen is that sometimesâŚyou end up sacrificing the relationships themselves.

for every rapid shuffle you make throughout the house, gathering your things to haphazardly shove into your backpack, mingi trails behind you easily with languid strides of his own.
âi can drive,â you reason half-heartedly as you focus on the stubborn front zipper. âyou can be my passenger princess.â
his scandalised look that you would even suggest a thing goes unnoticed even as he protests, âor you be my passenger princess.â
âokay, and how will i get home? your shift doesnât even end at the same time as mine.â you throw the door of the fridge open to grab your packed lunch, cramming it into the large compartment of your bag.
âyunâs shift does, so he can give you a ride home unless he gets called in for surgery again.â
âand if he does?â
mingi looks at the whiteboard calendar that is mounted on the wall beside him, squinting at the mass of colour-coded letters that are scribbled into the box marking todayâs date. âthen wait for hwa. his shift ends at five.â
âno,â you roll your eyes good-naturedly, âyou know how often he picks up extra hours because he canât bear to leave his PICU babies. iâll just take the bus home.â
âno,â mingi mimics you as he holds out your coat for you to shrug on, âthe correct answer is to then wait for hongjoong or call one of us. between the eight of your boyfriends, thereâll always be someone who is just ending their shift or is free to pick you up.â
you look up from your shoes to level him with a blank stare, âyou know that isnât feasible every single day, right?â despite your words, you do nothing to stop him from stealing your car keys out of your pocket.
mingiâs doggednessâall of their doggednessâin ensuring one of them will always be accompanying you to and from work is endearing, but the truth is that it is not feasible. there is a reason why you had been commuting by yourself the last three years of your residency, and along with the fact that the nine of you have different shifts that change each week, the logistics of it all will drive you insane, if not them.
âthatâs besides the point. itâs your first day of work today so iâm doing my baby a favour,â mingi coos teasingly, pinching your cheeks because he knows it gets a rise out of you.
you swat his hands away with a grunt, jabbing his side for good measure in retaliation to his smug grin. âyou talk as if we arenât both fourth-year residents. and itâs not a favour if you have to go there anyway since, you know, we work at the same hospital.â
âitâs your first day at this hospital, so technically youâre still fresh meat,â mingi argues as he pulls the front door open. while you lock it behind youâeverybody else already at the hospitalâhe continues, âplus, my shift doesnât start until tonight so iâm sacrificing my sleep for you.â
you give him a little curtsy with exaggerated gratitude then hurry after him when he swivels on his heel, head held high like a noble king with you as his court lady. except, the roles reverse the moment you reach the car and he opens the passenger door for you with a bow.
âmâlady,â he beckons inside.
you snort but settle yourself into the seat, patiently waiting for mingi to get in from the other side of the car. as he starts the fifteen-minute drive to the hospital, you suddenly look at him with suspicious clarity, head now clearing enough to wonder why the most rational of your boyfriends is being irrational.Â
âyouâre trying to get on my good side for something, arenât you? did you spill coffee on seonghwaâs scrubs again?â you narrow your eyes at him.
âwhat?â mingiâs head whips towards you before he looks back at the road, chuckling nervously. âno? of course not. why would you think that?â
at your lack of response, he crumbles with a confession. âit was hongjoongâs idea! he said i should drop you off so i can size up whoever might try and chat you up on your first day.â
âgod, youâre all hopeless,â you burst out into laughter.
prior to today, you and the boys had discussed how public you were all going to be at the hospital about your relationship. it had been decided that you would not deny it if questions arose, but at the same time, you were not going to go out of your way to make your relationship with one another general knowledge.
not everybody is going to be accepting of your polyamorous dynamic and neither do you need people questioning whether you successfully transferred into the residency program at this hospital throughâŚfavours. because despite the fact that it is the twenty-first century, it remains the harsh reality that the doctoral field is still predominantly male-oriented, with females automatically assumed to be the nursesâlesser in hierarchy, knowledge and skill.
a rumour as such might not affect the boys but it would be enough to tarnish your career.
as mingi pulls into the underground parking lot for employees, you rest a hand on his forearm to stop him from turning off the ignition. âmingi, iâll be fine,â you reassure. âgo home and get some sleep.â
âbut hongjoongââ
ââwill just have to stop being a big baby. weâre in our mid-twenties,â you chuckle, ânot fresh eighteen-year-olds discovering the opposite gender for the first time. everyoneâs going to be too busy on their first day to care about flirting.â
you lean over the console of the car and mingi relaxes easily under your hand that caresses his jawline. he melts once you press a soft kiss against his cheek, conceding, âalright.â
âiâll see you at home before your shift.â
he nods and watches as you get out of the car. from out of the open window, he gives you a cute little wave, waiting for you to walk through the sliding doors before he leaves. you walk to the elevator doors to press the up arrow, fidgeting with your scrubs and hair with nervous restlessness until the sounding of a soft ding followed by the low groan of parting doors. you take a deep breath, then you walk in.
into kq hospital.
boasting over one hundred different core and specialised departments and home to some of the few fields in advanced medicine, kq hospital is the largest and most renowned hospital in seoul. your years of clinical experience in other hospitals and past visits to your boys during their shifts provide you with a sense of familiarity with the place, but it is still easy to feel overwhelmed by its formidable size and bustling urgency.
seeing the fresh interns and second-year residents gathered in the auditorium as you join them for the morning orientation reminds you of your own four years ago. never did you think you would have to undergo orientation again during your residency, yet here you are, having transferred to kq hospital in your final year for the clinical exposure and opportunities in career advancement that it has to offer.
you sit towards the back of the auditorium, a few seats away from a girl who has the nerves of an intern. you give her a polite smile then face the front, not exactly ready to make small talk unless you have to. yunho always jokes that as an introvert you really picked the wrong jobâyou have no defence as you pull out your phone and pretend to be occupied.
somebody slides into the seat next to yours a few minutes later. however, your saving grace comes in the form of several people walking across the front of the stage, so you do not have to do much more than dip your head in courteous greeting before everybody settles into silence.
a woman in thin-rimmed glasses steps up to the podium. âwelcome, interns and residents. my name is doctor heo and iâm the program director of the paediatric residency program here at kq hospital.â
the hours of the morning quickly blur together into a multitude of faces, names and information. you and a few of the other senior residents had only been required to attend half of the general welcome talk, your orientation much faster and tailored to your pre-existing experience. by the time you have gone through the policies, patient populations and workflows of the paediatric department, your head is reeling to digest it all.
only at twelve do you converge with the interns again, this time at the cafeteria. there is a generous spread of catering of finger food and drinks before the joint lunch you will have with the other faculty members from your department.
âthis will be a good opportunity for all of you to meet the residents, doctors, nurses and department heads. get to know your colleagues because they will be the ones you are learning from,â dr. heo advises.
your ears perk up, wondering whether you will be able to see some of your boyfriends. san is already a fourth-year resident in the paediatric department, wooyoung one of the nurses, and even though seonghwa works mainly in the paediatric ICU, his position as a clinical nurse specialist likely makes him important enough to at least show his face.
everybody starts to make their way over to the tables to fill their plates as they mingle and chat amongst one another. you have always had a sensitive stomach that often disagrees with foodâthe very reason why wooyoung makes your lunch most days, which currently still sits inside your bagâbut you do not want to appear ungrateful or picky. so you head to the drinks to at least keep your hands filled.
just as you grab a small glass of orange juice, a voice startles you. âitâs you! hi.â
you turn to find a man maybe a few years younger than you with a bright smile on his face. âhi?â you hesitantly answer, unsure why he is acting so familiar with you.
he frowns slightly, âyou donât remember me?â
you could honestly give less than a flying fuck who he is, but you suppose the whole point of this break is to give those fucks, so you apologise instead, âsorry, iâm not great with faces.â
âi sat next to you during orientation this morning,â he laughs like you have just cracked the funniest joke. he extends his hand out for a handshake, âiâm doctor baek, but you can call me cheolmin.â
ânice to meet you, doctor baek,â you return the handshake, setting your boundaries with your response. âdoctor l/n.â
he quirks a brow amusedly. unprompted, he reveals, âmy sisterâs boyfriendâs auntâs friend knows the director of this hospital,â as if he thinks you would be impressed. you are willing to bet the seventy-two dollars in your savings account that the director of the hospital does not have a clue who this dr. baek is.
as you struggle to come up with a professional response that is not a sarcastic âcoolâ, you suddenly make eye contact with somebody from over his shoulder. they are looking at you with nonchalant amusement, lips tugged up smugly and their hands in the pockets of their coat.
you hurry to wrap up the conversation and make a move to step around dr. baek. âthatâs great, nice to meet you. iâm going to go and introduce myself toââ
âare you doing anything after work today?â he cuts you off, stepping slightly in front of you. âit would be nice for us to get to know each other better, considering weâll be colleagues from now on.â
âuhâŚâ you trail off, distracted when you make eye contact again with the person and they cock their eyebrow, asking for your permission to play knight. you give the subtlest of nods before dr. baek adjusts himself into your line of vision.
âdoctor l/n, donât play hard to gââ
ây/n,â the dependable voice of hongjoong interrupts dr. baek. your expression relaxes into a smile as your boyfriend sidles up to you, presence steadfast and unwavering. âi didnât catch you this morningâhow are you getting home?â
dr. baekâs eyes narrow even further at the implication of hongjoongâs question than when he realises you two are on first-name basis.
âmingi dropped me off so i canât drive,â you shrug.
âi finish at five-thirty. iâll take you home,â hongjoong says, absentmindedly brushing a stray lock of hair out of your eyes. âmake sure to put on your jacket while you wait for me. itâs meant to snow later so itâll be cold.â
you laugh softly at his attentiveness, âokay, hongjoong.â
unable to watch any longer, dr. baek pivots on his heel and stalks away. your boyfriend cannot resist pulling you closer by the sleeve of your scrubs as he haughtily huffs, âi knew people would hit on you.â
âis that why you told mingi to take me to work today?â you tease. hongjoong is also from the neurology departmentâdefinitely not meant to be here right nowâbut you will save that ammunition for another time.
âoh, look,â hongjoong pretends not to hear you as he ushers you away from the tables. âsan and wooyoung are over there. letâs go and talk to people who actually matter.â
the laugh you let out this time is unrestrained, letting yourself be led through the interspersed groups of people towards your other boyfriendsâthe only people who actually matter. san and wooyoungâs faces break out into the most tender of smiles the moment they lay their eyes upon you and hongjoong, and the remaining nerves and tension in your body completely melt away when you feel their subtle embraces around you.
it may be winter and the road ahead to acclimatise with your new job may be demanding, but you know that you will be shielded from the cold of the world by the warmth that your boys will always bring to you.

âpatient history and current status?â
selecting the seventh floor, you press the close button to the elevator doors once your team of four have settled inside. you turn back slightly to look at your interns in wait for a response to your question.
dr. son glances at dr. yang before answering, âthe patient is kim seolhee, currently six years and three months old. she was initially diagnosed with T-cell acute lymphoblastic leukaemia at two years, eight months. she was admitted into hospital one month ago due to a relapse and is currently undergoing re-induction therapy. she received a chemotherapy dose this morning, so we are monitoring for any potential side effects from the treatment.â
âand how is she responding to the treatment?â you probe.
âslow responseâthe leukaemia cells are not clearing as expected so second-line chemotherapy is likely to be recommended.â
you nod at the information as the elevator doors open to the paediatric oncology ward. walking out, you ask, âwhy is the patient not responding to first-line treatment?â
the following silence permeates with flusteredness that shows neither intern has considered this question. âdoctor lee?â you cue instead.
the junior resident takes over with ease. âseolheeâs initial treatment when she was first diagnosed required aggressive chemotherapy due to resistant leukaemia. treatment lasted for two and a half years and she achieved remission at five years, four months. however, she relapsed one month ago due to minimal residual disease in the bone marrow.
âfrom her history, we know that her leukaemia was resistant to initial treatment and there is the persistence of residual cancer cells at the time of relapse. plus, her diagnosis is T-cell, not B-cell, which tends to present with greater quantities of leukaemia cells and thus requires more intensive therapy. all of these risk factors combined makes it difficult for remission to be achieved through first-line re-induction therapy.â
âwell done, doctor lee,â you acknowledge as he beams, âall of that and the fact that her relapse is earlyâmerely nine months after remissionâcorrelates to a higher likelihood of treatment resistance.â you address your interns, âit is easy to focus on the patientâs immediate presentation, but it is just as importantâif not moreâto look at it in the context of their prior admissions and treatment responses. that was a good attempt though, doctor yang.â reaching the door to the room you are about to enter, you quickly wrap up the conversation and head in.
seolhee looks at you curiously, a new face being one of the only interesting things that change up her repetitive days in the hospital. her sickly pallor and sunken cheeks are a morbid juxtaposition against her rounded eyes and braided pigtails. as you walk closer, you can see that her hair has been plaited loosely with care so as not to strain her already-thinning hair.
you lower yourself to the side of her bed with a bright smile as you compliment, âi love your hair! who did it for you?â
immediately, she beams, any prior apprehension clearing as she tells you, âmy favourite nurse! he's been braiding my hair for years!â
âhas he now?â you gaze at her fondly as she happily shows you the ribbons tied to the ends too.
âare you talking about me?â
seolheeâs eyes instantly light up in response to the voice that enters the room. she exclaims, ânurse hwa!â
âhello, my snowflake.â
you turn just in time to see seonghwa walking in with endearment enveloping his entire face. you let out a small chuckle, your own eyes melting with honey at the sight of him. of course he would be the favourite nurse.
when seolhee questions why he is making his rounds earlier than usual, he leans in conspiratorially, yet in a whisper loud enough for you to hear, âa little birdie told me that your new doctor is very pretty, so i had to come see for myself.â
he winks at you and you shake your head with an exasperated smile. so much for keeping lowkey and professional. clearing your throat, you play along, âah, are you the favourite nurse who braided her hair, nurse hwa?â you find it absolutely hilarious that six-year-olds are using the same pet name that you use for your boyfriend.
seonghwa nods, âmy girlfriend taught me.â
âshe must be quite the amazing girlfriend, then,â you joke.
âshe is,â he smiles, gazing softly at you.
for a six-year-old, seolhee is frighteningly perceptive as she looks back and forth between the two of you before blurting out, âis she the pretty girlfriend you always talk about?â
you fluster with a bright blush that you try to conceal behind a cough, only to make eye contact with dr. son and dr. lee giving you the most delightful shit-eating grins on their faces from beside you. seonghwa simply laughs, brightly and joyfully like the festive chime of bells. his affirmative nod in response is just as childishly proud as the one adorning seolheeâs face at having guessed correctly. she decides right there and then that you are her favourite doctor, because you are pretty.
âlet me give you something,â she beckons with a small wave, little fingers calling for you to look closely.
seolhee pulls a little booklet out of the bedside tableâs top drawer. the cover and edges are well-loved and from the way the top of the little booklet is nearly falling apart, you can tell that she has used it often. she flicks through the empty pages one by one until she finds what she is looking for. fiddling for a few more seconds, she holds out her hand to present you withâ
âa sticker?â you ask.
âfor doing a good job,â she giggles.
you take the circular sticker from her extended fingers. when you look down, you realise it is a little snowflake with a smiley face on it. the corners of your own mouth tug upwards involuntarily and your cheeks round out until they start to feel sore. never did you think a mere sticker would bring you such glee as an adult, but you are going to wear it proudly.
you tug the breast pocket of your scrubs outwards so that you can stick it onto your name badge, right next to the small twinkling star that is the signature additional design on all of the paediatric departmentsâ name badges. at your response, seolhee beams with pride.
âwhereâs mine?â seonghwa childishly quips.
âyou havenât done anything yet,â seolhee wags her little finger at him as he swallows the urge to retort that neither have you. âhave you drawn my blood yet? inserted an eye-vee line or aâŚpick line?â
âno,â he chortles in defeat, âno IV or PICC lines today. maybe a blood test later.â
âso no sticker for you,â she reprimands him rightfully.
the conversation draws a laugh out of you, yet leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. a child like seolhee should be talking about the colour of her dollâs dress and the name of her plush teddy, not medical procedures that draw her line between life and death.
seonghwa eyes your sticker mischievously. âi might have to steal her sticker then.â
seolhee glares at him like a ferocious kitten, easily deciding that you are now her favourite out of all the doctors and nurses. âdonât you dare,â she pouts before turning to you with full solemnity and seriousness to pledge, âif he steals it, come back and iâll give you another one.â
you send him a smug wink and seonghwa finally concedes, arms raised in mock surrender. âiâll go back to my morning rounds then. see you later, snowflake,â he gives her a wave before bidding you goodbye with playful professionalism, âsee you later, doctor l/n.â
on his way out, seonghwa exchanges brief but warm pleasantries with a middle-aged woman who is simultaneously entering the room. it is easy to presume that she is seolheeâs visitor, considering she is not wearing scrubs. just as you are about to introduce yourself, the woman's eyes skim right past yours to land on the taller of the interns behind you.
"hi, you must be seolhee's new doctor," she greets. "i'm her mother."
dr. yang shifts uncomfortably on his feet and glances at you, unsure how to correct the older woman that whilst he is a doctor, he is not the most senior one. with grace, you extend a warm hand out with an even warmer smile.
"lovely to meet you, mrs kim. i'm doctor l/n, and this is my intern, doctor yang," you introduce, before gesturing behind to your left. "this is my other intern, doctor son, and this is doctor lee, my second-year resident."
seolhee's mother rushes to shake your hand as she trails off, "sorry, i assumed he was the doctor because..."
"i know, i get that often. don't worry about it," you pat her hand placatingly.
she responds, "well, it's going to be nice having a female face around."
from the flush on her face and the overcompensatory laugh that leaves her lips, you know she does not mean it as much as she is trying to cover up her embarrassment. the woman before you is not the first person to have dismissed you as a nurse or an intern solely based on your gender, and she will definitely not be the last. so you pretend not to notice, redirecting with a laugh of your own and the question, âhow has seolhee been feeling since her dose this morning?â
mrs kim easily jumps on the change in conversation and the attention shifts to the little girl in bed. you listen intently to any side effects of concern, long having learnt to ignore the layered feelings of fatigue, frustration and disappointment in your chest whenever somebody undermines your capabilities, even if it is never ill-intentioned.
because as with any job, there are sacrifices to be made, and putting other peopleâs comfort before your own is just one of the many.

you do not want to jinx it, but you think that you may not mind night shifts after all.
âwhat are you thinking about?â
yeosang fills your entire vision, his brown orbs blinking at you curiously with a mellow dusting of blossom pink speckled across his cheeks from your close proximity. you have often been pulled away into a hidden corner or spare room somewhere within the labyrinth of the hospital by one of your boyfriends for a few minutes of company, but this is the first time yeosang has initiated it. his shy nature is endearing though, and it is a much-needed break during your second consecutive night shift.
you tease, "it's a secret," before pressing an innocent kiss against the corner of his lips right where it quirks up bashfully whenever he is around you. yeosang carefully rests his hands on the dips of your hips and brings you in a little closer towards him as you ask, "what about you? what's on your mind?"
âwondering how long we can stay in this storage room for before one of us gets paged.â
his answer stuns you for a second but then you both break out into giggles at the absurdity of his answer. âjongho has rubbed off on you too much," you adoringly flick the bottom of his chin with the tip of your finger. not many people know, but yeosang is just as bad of an influence as all your other boyfriends when he wants to be.
"we could try," he suggests with a grin. "none of my team was rostered on for a night shift with me."
your laugh easily fills the small space, "neither was my team."
âso nobody would come looking for us, unlessââ
a discrete tap sounds against the door from right next to where you and yeosang are pressed up against one another. you both fall silent and motionless, pupils wide and breaths held, hoping you have either misheard or whoever is outside will leave soon. but then you hear another tap and it does not stop. the tapping is incessant, obviously trying to gain the attention of you two. yeosang ducks down as you raise the blinds of the small window on the door and you peer out to findâ
âfucking wooyoung squashed right up against the glass pane with a cheshire grin. you finish yeosangâs sentence for him, âunless one of our boyfriends do.â
wooyoung perks up immediately at the word 'boyfriends' as if that is his cue. "hi," he announces, "are you guys making out? i heard yeosang."
you sputter while yeosang pops up beside you with a horrified expression at the youngerâs uncouth question. said person beams cheekily, âcan i join?â
wooyoungâs breath fogs up the glass with every word he says but he is unfazed. your boyfriend simply rubs the glass with the sleeve of his coat, presses his face up against the window again and continues to look at you both with a dazzling, expectant smile. when neither of you respond, he winks for good measure.
wooyoung flinches and shrieks when you tap the glass right between his eyes. he jerks back enough for you to push the door open and step out through the gap with mirth bubbling in your chest. you playfully drag your fingers across his chest, then tease with faux coyness, âbreak time is over, sorry.â
the indignant whine you receive in response is more than enough for the amusement to spill out of your chest as you walk away. you will make it up to him with triple the amount of kisses once both of you are home. for now, you walk back to your department, pleased that yeosangâs oncology ward is not far from yours.
even during the late hours of a night shift, the hospital is never completely quiet. the rhythmic sounds of beeping machines interspersed by footsteps and closing doors follow you down the corridors of the paediatric ward. what truly sobers you out of the lighthearted moment you just had, though, are the occasional whimpers; of discomfort, of pain, of nightmares.
you enter seolheeâs room aloneâyour interns and junior resident scheduled only for the day shiftâto find the little girl also by herself. her parents must have decided to go home, having already spent countless consecutive nights by her side since she commenced second-line chemotherapy last week.
seolhee received a dose of nelarabine just this morning so you need to keep a close eye on her. a quick flick through the chart on her rolling cart shows that the nurse on night shift had taken her vitals just two hours ago with no abnormalities.
âdoctor snowflake?â
you startle at the quiet murmur. turning to look at the bed, seolhee is looking at you with slow, blinking eyes and a tiny smile. your own eyes soften as you lower yourself down towards her, âwhy are you still awake?â
âcouldnât sleep,â she mutters.
you scan her face with concern, âare you feeling pain anywhere? feeling sick?â
seolhee shakes her head in reassurance. then in a small voice, she answers, âjust lonely.â
the tension in your shoulders releases only slightly. the little girl before you may be feeling all right physicallyâŚbut at what cost? your chest tightens with humbling clarityâyou may sacrifice a lot as a doctor, but your patients sacrifice so much more. neither is it a choice for them.
it is a relatively quiet night; you can spend time with her. and even if you did not have time, you can make time for her.
you pull a chair closer to sit down, gesturing for her consent to lift up her blankets to check her skin for signs of bruising or infection. she nods and you ask, âwhy doctor snowflake?â to keep her mind occupied.
seolhee glances at your name badge. âbecause you still have the snowflake sticker and snowflakes are pretty, just like you.â
the line insertion site on her chest is free of discharge and irritation and you fix the front of her hospital gown. âthat must also be why nurse hwa calls you a snowflake,â you fondly tap the tip of her nose as she giggles.
âmy name means snow,â she tells you proudly. âmy parents named me seolhee because i was born on the first day of snow.â
âthey named you well, seolhee. you really are a special gift, a precious snowflake.â in the muffled quiet of the hospital ward, you let go of your professionalism for a brief moment to make a hushed promise, âone day, you will be able to join all the other snowflakes outsideâfree to flutter and land wherever you want.â
not confined to the hospital nor your sickness.
seolhee returns a promise of her own, âand when iâm all better, iâll come back to visit you.â she beckons for you to lean in before she whispers into your ear, âbecause youâre my favourite.â
you are technically not meant to play favourites, but it is hard when she is far ahead of the others in the unofficial competition. so you whisper back scandalously, like two teenage girl friends gossiping together, not a doctor with her patient in hospital, âyouâre my favourite, too.â
the pager in your pocket goes off and seolheeâs face falls with disappointment. one of her hands involuntarily reaches out in your direction, seeking comfort and companionship in a place where people succumb to grief and isolation every day.
seolhee is only a child. she should be sleeping in her own bed at home, the faint glow from her phosphorescent star stickers across her bedroom ceiling guiding her into whimsical dreams. instead, it is the washed out moonlight filtering through the drawn curtains in her hospital room, shadows of snowfall outside drifting gently across her face, that surrounds seolheeâs fragile body in a romanticised nightmare.
âhow about this,â you suggest, âif you go to sleep now, iâll come again tomorrow night and iâll tell you the story of how nurse hwa and i met.â
her eyes light up. âyou promise?â
christmas has passed, but it does not mean that the season of miracles has to come to an end with it. you nod, âi promise.â
this time, when you make a move to stand up, seolhee does not reach out for you. she does not need you to stay; she has your gift of a promise to hold onto instead.
âgoodnight, my little snowflake,â you tuck her blanket around her shoulders. affectionately, you brush her thinning hair off her forehead, âlove you.â
you almost miss her sleepy response, a mumbled sentence just as you reach the threshold of the door to her roomâwords from a little girl whose heart is too big for the world to ever truly contain.
âi love you more than there are snowflakes falling outside.â

like the heavy snowfall that comes with the arrival of mid-winter, work quickly starts to pile upon itself into layers that do not melt away easily.
you are not the only one nearly thigh-deep in the snow. besides yourself, yunho, yeosang and san are also residents in your final year juggling demanding caseloads and increasing responsibilities as the seniors. hongjoong has been slaving away in preparation for the annual meeting of the korean neurological association, and seonghwa has recently been tasked with revising the departmental policies and procedures for sepsis protocols.
all of that on top of the nine of you studying for specialty board exams, pouring over journal articles to stay up to date and partaking in research projects, it almost becomes a game of never-ending tag in the house with the small increments of time that are lucky enough to overlap with somebody else.
unable to see one another as often, much less spend time together, you and the boys have to make do whenever you can, wherever you can, however you can. it comes in varying forms; a shared smile in brief passing through the wards, an extra chocolate in your packed lunch, a quick reminder to wrap your scarf snugly.
this morning, it comes in the form of an inconspicuous-looking disposable cup waiting for you in your assigned cubby. you almost miss it and knock it over with the bag you hastily push into the space, but the stark contrast of a black scribble against the whiteness of the cupâs surface catches your eye right before you give your bag a final shove.
it is a cup of takeaway coffee from the cafe downstairsâthe one you never buy coffee from because the wait for your order can take up to ten minutes, and that is ten minutes of time every single day that you cannot afford to give up. but for you, there is someone willing to sacrifice those ten minutes of their day.
your eyes soften and eyebrows upturn as you immediately deduce who the coffee is from. if the coffee itself is not a dead giveaway, then the cute, artistic doodle of rudolph surrounded by little hearts around his antlers and the accompanying phrase, âyouâre my rein-dearâ, is.
jongho.
for a brief moment of respite from the unceasing rapidity of the hospital, you are warmed from your very core all the way to the tips of your fingers and toes by your boyfriendâs gesture. one hand starts to reach for your phone to send a text of appreciation when the call of your name jerks you out of the comfort you had been encased in. the cup is set down without finding its sweet home against a pair of lips.
âdoctor nam is looking for you.â
you wince. dr. nam, the head of the paediatric department, has never really seemed to take a fancy to you for some reason. you are quite certain you have not done anything to provoke his unwarranted scrutiny, but apparently you can never be too sure.
as you hurry to dr. namâs office, your legs work on autopilot through the corridors and doorways. your mind bombards itself with a barrage of thoughts, guessing what the meeting may be for, estimating how long it might take, and calculating how far behind you will fall with the onslaught of other tasks you are meant to complete before you are joined by your juniors for your morning rounds.
you do not have time for this, and you most certainly do not have time toâ
ââtake on an extra intern?â
your eyes blink themselves into a carefully schooled expression of neutrality despite the voiced incredulity in the question you have just asked. dr. nam has summoned you to his office to notify you of an additional intern commencing in the paediatric department and you are to be their assigned senior. what a fucking splendid way to start the day.
it is completely normal for a senior resident to have four juniors to teach, but interns have less experience and confidence, requiring significantly more time and effortâtime and effort that you do not know if you have. the thought of another intern in addition to your existing two and second-year resident is enough to make you want to enter hibernation for the rest of your life.
what you also know though is that dr. yoon, another fourth-year resident, only has two juniors under himâboth second-years at that. respectfully yet firmly, you bring up such and suggest, âit may be in the best interest of all parties for doctor yoon or somebody else, even doctor ha, to take on the new intern. this can ensure all of our junior doctors are receiving as much one-on-one support and guidance as possible.â
the department head raises an eyebrow, eyes dull and mouth pressed together thinly as he stares back at you dryly. âboth doctor yoon and doctor ha are promising candidates to become chief residents. they do not have time to spare to teach interns.â
âpromising candidatesâ. you are not saying that that is bullshitâŚbut that is bullshit. this is the first time anybody has praised them as such and the only thing that would make them both supposedly more qualified than all the other senior residents is their direct acquaintance with dr. nam himself.
fuck nepotism.
gritting your teeth and taking a deep but restrained breath in what you know is just a losing fight, you yield, âwhen does the intern start?â
the right corner of dr. namâs lips raises smugly as he answers, âtoday. doctor lim will be waiting for you in the resident lounge near my office. orientate him to the department.â
and down the drain goes all thoughts of ending on time tonight. when you stalk over stiffly to the lounge, dr. lim is leaning against the edge of a desk, legs extended and crossed at the ankles in front of him not dissimilar to how his arms are over his chest. one foot taps disinterestedly as he waits. you have a bad feeling you already know what kind of intern he is going to be.
âdoctor lim,â you call out.
âyouâre doctor l/n?â the intern looks at you snobbishly, very obviously sizing you up and down.
âyes.â
dr. lim takes a lazy glance at the clock on the wall. âyouâre kinda late.â
and youâre kinda a fucking asshole, you want to retort. but you have not survived this long without learning how to reel in the burst of flames that erupts inside your chest, so instead you look at him placatingly. âyou were not originally part of my planned day. doctor nam asked for a very last minute favour.â
not so much a favour as an outright demand, but he does not need to know.
âiâll show you around the hospital before our morning rounds,â you state. at his audible sigh whilst pushing himself heavily off the table, you cannot help but get at least one jab in, âan inconvenience for the both of us, but do bear with me.â
after a sarcastic smile, you turn around without waiting to see if he follows. the first place you take him to is where all the personal lockers and cubbies are just to retrieve your forgotten coffee and take a long sip. it spites him as desired, a nose wrinkled in your direction. nevermind the fact that it has long cooled to room temperatureâyour coffee has never tasted sweeter.
the rest of your day, unfortunately, runs in bitter discord. straight after dr. limâs orientation, you run yourself dry with morning rounds, acute care and consultations with other paediatric departments, all the while trying to catch dr. lim up to the expected competency for interns. the end of the day does not appear to get any closer within reach and yet, you have no idea where all your time is going.
you end up throwing in the towel exactly seven hours and twenty-three minutes into your shift, when you are trying to teach the very basics of the hospitalâs electronic medical record system for the umpteenth time. there are only so many ways you can explain the five steps required to start drafting a progress note for a patientâthe very five steps that do not change. if you have to repeat yourself one more fucking time you are going to shoot somebody, doctorâs oath or not, and that somebody has a last name that starts with âlâ and rhymes with âdimâ.
dr. son and dr. yang are sent as the scapegoats to teach the new intern how to navigate the system. with all three of your interns now occupied, you also send dr. lee off to adjust the medication for a few of the patients whose daily lab results had come back this morning with minor fluctuations in numbers.
your body almost crashes the moment your juniors disperse and only then do you tune in to your senses. contrary to the grumbling cavern in your stomach, there is a heavy pressure in your bladder and parchedness in your throat. jonghoâs coffee was the last of anything you had consumed todayâthe lunch wooyoung had packed for you remains untouched in your bagâand you have been unable to step away even briefly to use the bathroom. trudging heavily through the paediatric oncology ward, the one thing that keeps you upright on your feet is that you are not scheduled for an on-call shift tonight.Â
ây/n.â
the sweet and low timbre of the voice that sounds from ahead of you immediately turns the one into two things. it takes the remainder of your willpower not to bury yourself straight into sanâs arms as he gives you a cute dimpled smile.
your eyes reflect the sparkle of happiness in his once you are close enough, neither of you having planned to run into one another. san is currently in his paediatric haematology rotation and whilst your departments are closely related, it is not very often that your caseloads align for patient consultation directly between the two of you.
âwhat are you doing here?â you ask, unable to hide the pleasant surprise in your words.
san steps in a little, naturally inclined to be physically close to you and answers, âgoing to check up on seolhee. have you gotten around to seeing her today?â
seolhee was one of the patients you were planning on fitting into your day. one of the nurses had documented nausea and reduced appetite at lunch time, so you were going to review her current antiemetic regimen and decide if it needed adjusting. but then she had ultimately been pushed back as a medium priority on your list with everything else you had to complete first.
when you shake your head, san proposes, âwant to join me then?â
your lips quirk upwards at his suggestion. it is sort of piteous that your time walking together through the ward to see a shared patient is the closest to a date you have had with san in the last few weeks. but as he gives you a playful nudge to your side and you back to him like you are strolling along the snowy streets instead of sterile corridors, you are grateful for at least these short moments of interaction.
seolheeâs voice is spirited when she greets you despite the increasingly dark shadows silhouetting her face. you smile, âhi, snowflake. i brought a friend with me this time.â
when sanâs gaze is not focused on you, he looks at the little girl with the same softness and deep affection; you like his moon, his patients like his stars. you are unable to imagine san ever working in a career that does not involve children.
âiâm doctor choi,â he introduces himself gently. âi heard youâve been feeling a bit tired and didnât really eat lunch today, so iâm here to see what i can do to help you feel better.â
as you bend down slightly to adjust the corner of seolheeâs blanket, san steps behind you to reach for her chart. he unconsciously places his left hand on the nape of your neck and tenderly squeezes out of loving habit. immediately, san feels the tight knots under his fingertips that only surface whenever you are stressed or overworked.
his eyebrows furrow and he dips his head down slightly to softly murmur, âhey, rough day today?â
âjust a little,â you admit, looking upwards whilst placing your own hand atop his in reassurance. âdonât worry.â
there is a giggle to the side. seolheeâs eyes flicker back and forth between the two of you before she cryptically asks, âdoctor choi, do you know who nurse hwa is?â
âi doâŚâ san answers, puzzled by the random question.
seolhee looks at you and giggles again with a very directed comment, âi see.â
you have said this before and you will say this again: seolhee is frighteningly perceptive. if she were two decades older, you just know she would be that friend of yours who you are unable to hide any secrets from. leaning in, you whisper, âthere are six more of us.â
her eyes widen with curiosity. âdo i know any of them?â
of the remaining boys, wooyoung is the only other one who is specialising in paediatrics and likely to have come across seolhee before. ânurse wooyoung,â you divulge.
she sinks back into her pillow at the revelation and nods approvingly as if she is your mother. âgood choices,â she supports, san letting out a bright laugh from beside you now having caught on to what the conversation is about.
the rest of the bedside evaluation continues as such. seolhee badgers you both with questions about the rest of your boyfriendsâwhich department they are in, what their names are and most importantly, what they look like so she can keep an eye out for them.
you indulge her with answers, far longer than you should, but it is an easy decision when it comes to anything involving your favourite patient and your boyfriends. you have long learnt that any amount of time that you give to somebody else even at your own expense will always be worth lifetimes more to them than the luxury of a punctual meal or longer shower that you would gain from the time instead.
so when your shift for the day ends and you still have not completed all of your work, you end up staying overtime and it is only then, during the evening, that you are finally able to sit. your stomach no longer growls, body running solely on cortisol, the caffeine from jonghoâs coffee having long depleted. you turn on your hospital-issued tablet and pull out a stack of jotted notes. with mid-rotation feedback for your juniors in two days, you have their paperwork to complete before you can even start to scrape away at your actual paperwork.
you do not realise how stiff your neck and shoulders have become from hunching over for a prolonged period until there is a knock at the door of the resident lounge and a timid, âum, doctor l/n?â
âyes?â a soft wince escapes your lips when the movement from looking up sends a brief stab of pain down your back.
the intern standing at the doorway comes scurrying in. âiâm here to give you the report on the pathology results.â
âpathology results?â you repeat, mind blank of patients who had needed a biopsy or tumour excision.
âfrom doctor jeong? from general surgery?â the internâs voice trails off, face blanching at the creeping possibility that he has found the wrong resident.
âdoctor jâoh,â you suppress the sudden tug at the corners of your lips to reassure, âyes, my apologies, i forgot. thank you.â
you have certainly not forgotten about an entire pathology report you have requestedâthis is simply yunho being your boyfriend. waiting until the intern has scurried off, you flick the clipboard open to find exactly what you had been expecting: anything but a report.
there is a sole sticky note, neon green, that grins right up at you with another of yunho's scrawled jokes. 'are you a snowman? cause i wanna stick my carrot into your mouâ'
the clipboard slams shut with a resounding clap in the emptiness of the lounge. back ramrod straight, your eyes dart around scandalously even though you are the only person in the room to witness the contents of the flirtatious message.
"oh my fucking god," you guffaw. "jeong yunho!"
(from somewhere within the general surgery department three floors down, somebody lets out a delighted giggle of glee at the thought of a certain message having been received.)
your laugh eventually fades out with a poignant sigh as you peel the sticky note off the clipboard and stare at it in your hands. the start of this year has already been the toughest year in your residency thus far and it is no easy feat for nine people in the same or similar situation to balance a romantic relationship simultaneously.
you must give, and give, and give, but like you have experienced today, you also receive. it is never anything huge; a coffee, some food, a note, a conversation. yet for now, that is enough to keep moving forward even if your feet are buried deep under the snow.
however, you will soon come to realise that the issue does not lie in whether you are receiving enough or not, but in the fact that you can unknowingly give away too much of yourself without even realising.

you give the little boy and his family who are in front of you a smile that conveys both appreciation and apologeticness. if you were in their position, surrounded by inexperienced interns learning to properly insert a central line, you would be on edge too.
dr. yang and dr. son stand off to the side, hands clasped together in front of themselves with concealed nervousness for dr. lim. said man is anything but nervous, when really, he is the only intern who should be nervous out of the three of them. ever since he started, dr. lim has consistently performed with a shocking lack of care and willingness to learn. but you had learnt the hard way the first time you tried to bring up this issue that dr. lim is not somebody you can touch because of his connections, so you have no choice but to tolerate his incompetence.
you beckon for dr. lim to come closer so that you can show him the proper angle of needle entry. he does, at least smart enough to know he needs to maintain some level of professionalism in front of actual patients lest the hospital be sued.
âfor an internal jugular vein catheterisation while the head is in the neutral position, what is the angle of needle entry?â you question.
dr. lim guesses, âtwenty?â
âthirty to forty-five, and the angle adjusts based on the ultrasound image,â you correct, not having expected him to remember despite the numerous times you have already taught him on physical phantoms. your gloved fingers trace over the patientâs clavicle towards the sternum as you continue explaining, âlocate both the sternal and clavicular heads of the sternocleidomastoid muscle. this forms the triangle where your IVJ lies beneath. the needle should aim towards the ipsilateral nipple.â
positioning the tip of the needle at the apex of the triangle for a few seconds, you then pass it to dr. lim with the instruction, âshow me the positioning and angle of the needle only.â
the intern takes the needle from your hand, his other hand roughly probing the sternocleidomastoid muscle before angling the needle perpendicular to the young boyâs neck like he is a fucking hostage. your voice is curt as you rush to correct dr. lim, adjusting his hands with verbal prompts, before you slip the needle out of his hands to fully take over the procedure now.
âyouâre not ready yet,â you assert when he glares at you, further reiterating, âwhen you can independently position and angle the needle, and you can demonstrate to me that you can use the correct pressure when inserting the needle in a mannequin, then you are ready.â you do not care if he has connections with dr. nam. you make it clear to your intern that he cannot fuck around with his theoretical knowledge and phantom training and still expect you to let him practice on real people.
outside the room, wooyoung winces in sympathy for you as he passes by and catches the end of your firm reprimand. you have come home far too many times with pent-up frustration for himâand all your boyfriendsânot to know about your notorious intern. wooyoung hands over the central line kit he is returning to the wardâs nursing station then dawdles by the desk.
he waits in hopes of catching your eye and giving you a smile to equip you with the patience he knows must be needed to deal with dr. lim. your boyfriendâs face softens unconsciously as he watches your expression, now concentrated with furrowed brows as you steadily insert the needle whilst monitoring the ultrasound, because wooyoung thinks you look the most charismatic when you are working. when a nurse calls out for wooyoung, he takes one last glance at you before walking away.
you straighten up and step away for dr. lee to take over the rest of the procedure, just in time to see the back of your boyfriendâs figure darting away with purpose. his long unruly hair flies around with mirrored chaos that you could recognise anywhere. and as you explain to the patientâs parents the remainder of the catheterisation procedure, the smile on your face is much more genuine than it would have been mere seconds ago.
it continues to linger subconsciously long after the brief glimpse you get of your boyfriend. for wooyoung, too, it is the same. working together at the hospital means that you can still be a source of light for one another even if only from a far distance and that is always what gets you through to the end of your shift.
when five oâclock finally rolls around, you head to your locker whilst checking your phone. there are no notifications from hongjoong, so you type a quick message to let him know you are clocking off and going to his department first. it is one of those rare days where you two have managed to organise a dateâjust a quick and simple dinner before heading home since your shifts end at the same time, but a date nonetheless.
âgood thing i caught you before you left. doctor nam wants to talk to you.â
you look up to see dr. lee already changed into a puffer jacket and his backpack on, a cheeky grin on his face as he delivers the message and adds, âbet youâre in trouble.â
scoffing playfully, you quip back, âprobably for something you did wrong.â
he shrugs exaggeratedly and sing-songs, âwho knows,â before darting away with a goodbye.
you sigh and delete your drafted text to hongjoong, alerting him that you will be going to the department headâs office and for him to meet you outside if he finishes. then with heavy steps, you go to find dr. nam. with your stroke of luck, dr. lee is probably right about you being in trouble for something.
and he is right.
âdid you tell one of your interns that he wasnât ready for a clinical task in front of your patients?â
dr. namâs direct question the moment you step into his office is enough to stun your mind into blankness at how a situation could be wrongfully warped like so. blinking distractedly you start to explain, âdoctor lim was tasked with simulating the correct needle placement against the skinânothing more and nothing less. i had to reiterate those expectations when heââ
âso he was not allowed to insert the central line, correct?â dr. nam interrupts.
you frown involuntarily and parrot, âallowed? it was not a subjective decision toââ
âdoctor l/n, you only need to answer the question that i ask. was doctor lim allowed to insert the central line or not?â he interjects yet again.
you barely manage to swallow the rising heat in your chest to answer, âno.â
âyou said he was not ready in front of the patient, yes or no?â
âyes.â
dr. nam leans back in his chair. âhave your other interns inserted the needle before?â
despite his position as your department head, you keep your mouth shut in defiance because dr. nam is simply fishing for the answer he wants to hear regardless of context. he does not need to hear that dr. lim is a shit internâall he wants to hear is that you are treating your juniors differently.
as expected, without waiting for your response, dr. nam states, âthere have been someâŚconcerns raised that you are not giving your interns equal opportunities.â
âis that what doctor lim told you?â you raise an eyebrow.
âyou do not need to know,â he dismisses thoughtlessly, âthe point is, there seems to be a bias in the amount of support and guidance you are providing doctor lim. perhaps it is your lack of teaching and provision of learning opportunities that is hindering his full potential.â
struggling to keep your voice polite as frustration quickens your breaths, you defend, âi have taught him the theory numerous times, allowed him to observe, provided him with supervised mannequin practice and step-by-step grading on actual patients, and my experience as a senior resident and his direct supervisor tells me that he does not yet have the competency to insert a central line.â
dr. nam hums as if he is considering your words but the way he distractedly brushes the dust off the surface of his table tells you otherwise. âi see there are differing opinions. this all comes down to miscommunication and lack of clear expectations set from the both of you. i suggest you take some time to sit down and talk to doctor lim about what opportunities he will have moving forward.â
from behind your back, your hands clench together, muscles quivering from how hard your fingers dig into your palms. yet you do not say anythingâyou cannot say anything, not when dr. nam simply dismisses you with, âi expect there to be no further issues in the future.â
and just like that, the one-sided discussion is over.
your feet drag against the floor as you trudge listlessly back to your locker, body heavy as if you are caught in the very midst of a snowstorm. your shoulders cave even further in on themselves when you check your phone to see no reply from hongjoong.
you want nothing more than to bury yourself in your boyfriendâs arms, nose pressed against the soothing rumble of his chest as he listens to you complain about your day. it will not change anything about the situation with dr. lim and dr. nam but at least you will be able to release the hot steam that has built up from the bubbling pit of lava in your chest.
if hongjoong is still working, perhaps you can sit in his office and wait on his couch. his presence will be enough to keep you grounded.
some of the nurses in the neurology ward greet you cordially as you exit the elevator and you return their smiles before sitting on a bench further down the corridor to avoid being in anybodyâs way. you test your chances and call hongjoongâs number, only to hear the line ring until it sends you to his voicemail. when another attempt ten minutes later yields the same result, you send a text telling him to call you when he is finished.
you resign yourself to the bench with a passive sigh and wait, all the while a tempest swirling inside of you. eventually, one of the junior residents tilts her head at the sight of you still sitting on the bench, having passed by you almost twenty minutes ago in the same position. she calls out, âdoctor l/n?â
you jerk up from where you are fiddling with your phone. recognising her as hongjoongâs colleague, you ask, âiâm just waiting for doctor kim. do you happen to know where he is?â
âdoctor kim?â she furrows her brows, âhe left already. he actually left early today.â
âoh.â
the heat in your chest suddenly dissipates, immediately replaced by a frigid hollowness that makes your mind go blank instead. horrified, you feel your eyes involuntarily start to prickle with tears no matter how hard you will for them to disappear.
âdo you want me to pass a message on for you?â the resident looks at you with a twinge of concern, but mostly curiosity.
you shake your head and mumble, âno, thatâs okay, thanks,â then rush away to avoid embarrassing yourself any further. deciding against asking one of your other boyfriends to drive you home, you forgo catching the bus too in favour of walking through the streets.
itâs not even a big deal. weâve all forgotten about dates before and hongjoong would never deliberately blow you off.
you know that. you know this is not something you need to be upset over and you know that your boyfriend must have a reason. yet knowing does nothing to stop the trembling of your lips as you swipe furiously at your dripping tears with the back of your hand. on top of everything that has piled up today, hongjoong forgetting about your date is enough to topple it over completely.
the light snowfall from earlier has already stopped but the temperature remains just as low. as you tread through the chalky streets home, thoughts creeping through your mind like the fractal branches of a snowflakeâfragile and delicateâyou welcome the numbing chill around you instead and let it paralyse your emotions like an anaesthetic.
by the time you reach the front door, you have collected yourself enough. the rims of your eyes and the tip of your nose still have a slight redness to them but your appearance can easily be dismissed by the biting cold outside. you unlock the door and walk in.
you are met with immediate warmth; from the residual heat of shared dinner, from the streaming glow of lights, from the peals of low laughter. walking through the corridor almost feels like walking through a warped tunnel of dissociationâso familiar yet so foreign at the same time.
san sits on the couch, languidly scrolling on his phone with an arm wrapped around yeosangâs shoulders, who is flicking through a thin booklet of paper. sitting cross-legged at the coffee table in front of them in a stark contrast of mess is hongjoongâhongjoong who is hunched over his own booklet with a newly-made carpet and tablecloth of thesis and journal articles, textbooks and tablets.
you are so caught up by the hurricane of a scene that you do not realise you are about to step on the corner of a textbook until hongjoongâs head snaps up to look at you.
âbe careful!â his warning cry is sharp with alarm.
your body jolts and you step backwards. âsorry.â
despite san and yeosangâs chirpy greetings, you remain frozen to the spot. the two of them clamber up to pull you into an excited hug, only to pause when they realise there is no way to navigate the landmine of paper scattered around the room, so they settle back into the cushions instead.
âdonât mind the mess,â yeosang giggles, unaware of the sudden onset of unease that courses through your body. âeven seonghwa has given the okay for him to do this.â
your words come out thick and sticky as you ask, âwhat is hongjoong doing?â
sanâs voice is sympathetic, âthere was a last-minute change to his presentation that heâs doing at that annual neurological association meeting. his department head wants him to do a different topic.â
âhe couldâve told me, i donât know, five fucking months ago,â hongjoong curses fiercely at his tablet, âbut he just had to wait until my presentation was basically done to let me know.â
you have had a bad dayâŚbut so has hongjoong.
the door opens behind you. fumbling for a moment, you try to make yourself smaller against the wall to make room for whoever of your boyfriends has returned. it is mingi back from his shift which tells you just how long you had waited for hongjoong, considering mingiâs shift ended almost two hours after yours did.
ây/n?â mingiâs eyes widen slightly as he smiles, the sight of you a pleasant surprise. he asks, âdid you and hongjoong come back from your date already?â
you wince at the bomb he has unwittingly dropped; the very one you yourself were still unsure how to navigate.
âshit,â hongjoongâs head snaps towards you again but for an entirely different reason this time. âholy fuck. oh my fucking god.â his hands flutter as he upturns the scattered notes around him in search of his phone, face draining of all colour as it dawns on him he had silenced his notifications. âthe dateâi forgot. fuck, i am so fucking sorry, y/n.â
your boyfriends on the couch watch with darting eyes and mingi glances at you cautiously. in some twisted reality, you almost feel immobilised by guilt as hongjoong stumbles to his feet, grasping the phone he has finally found from where it had been tossed under the table.
nothing changes the fact that he forgot nor the fact that you have had a rough day. but just as you had realised, hongjoong has also had a rough day, if not worse than yours. and as with any relationship, one will always have to yield under pressure lest both people break.
swallowing thickly, you manage to force out, âthatâs okay. i forgot too.â
a white lie, but a white lie has never hurt anybody.
mingi catches the slight twist of your fingers in the side of your jacket. he murmurs, âletâs go inside,â then tugs you by the elbow. he steps you carefully through the landmines further into the living room, gingerly toeing papers inches aside to reveal the floorboards underneath for the both of you to step on. hongjoong is still looking at you remorsefully as you near, his hands itching to reach out but afraid they will not be met with forgiving ones.
âitâs okay, joong, really,â you extend your fingers in his direction and gently squeeze his hand. âsorry to hear about your presentation. i know how hard youâve worked on it the past few months.â
sadness still lingers in your boyfriendâs eyes at having made such a careless mistake despite the grateful smile he gives you. âiâll make it up to you after the presentation is finished,â he vows. âiâll take you out for a nice dinner and i promise i wonât forget this time.â
you chuckle softly with a reassuring nod, âokay.â
âwhat about you? how was your day?â hongjoong asks.
an hour ago you wanted nothing more than the comfort he could offer while you vented about your day and you are almost certain fatigue and frustration are smeared across your face right now. yet you simply answer, âit was a long day but it was good.â
another white lie.
before your boyfriends can probe any further, you state, âiâm going to take a shower first. might head to sleep early today.â you lean forward to give hongjoong a chaste kiss, who easily relaxes into it with relief. you turn to rise onto your tiptoes to give mingi one too before meeting yeosang and san halfway from where they kneel on the couch to also kiss you goodnight.
then you turn and retreat to your room. it is not all too bad, you reconcile with yourself. alone time would be good after todayâs events.
a third white lie.
but again, that is fine, because a white lie never hurt anybodyâŚnobody except for yourself.

winter passes and spring arrives, but contrary to the pulsating liveliness that awakens with the season, things start to dull with repetition and roboticism.
your rotation in the paediatric oncology ward comes to an end and you commence your next rotation in paediatric haematology. whilst your acquaintanceship with your new junior team is nowhere near as close as you had gotten to dr. lee, son and yang, there is also no more dr. lim to deal with. still, unlike the snow that has now long melted away, your workload does not cease nor diminish.
you wake up and you go to work; you manage your patients, teach your juniors and have on-call shifts; you go home, you eat, you shower; you squeeze time to see your boyfriends, you sleep for a few hours; you wake up and you go to work. the cycle repeats itself, neither you nor your boyfriends able to escape from its grip.
seolhee, too, suffers from the torment of her own cycle. second-line therapy had eventually been deemed ineffective against her leukemic cells, requiring her to undergo salvage chemotherapy and putting her at increased risk of myelosuppression. because of this, she is one of the few patients who have remained on your caseload despite the rotation change.
the most unsettling change that the toll of fatigue can have on a person is not the change in their demeanour but in their eyes. and as you complete a routine check-up on seolhee, her eyes watching you with a slight dullness to them that is not due to the late hours of midnight, you do not realise that your own pupils look the same.
you give seolhee a soft smile as you tell her, âiâll get nurse hwa to check on you in the morning. how does that sound, snowflake?â
âheâs busy?â she asks quietly.
you shake your head. âheâs at home. both him and nurse woo are working day shifts this week.â
âwhat about doctor choi?â
âhe finished his haematology rotation,â you sigh regretfully. âheâs in the NICU now.â
seolhee mulls over the information with her eyes downcast, then murmurs, âare you busy? can you teach me how to braid your hair?â she absent-mindedly touches the nape of her neck where her fingertips meet the smooth skin of her bare scalp. âthat way i can braid my own hair when it grows back.â
you still have notes from today to write and tomorrowâs chemotherapy doses to confirm with the pharmacy and platelet orders to put through before you can chance an hour or two of sleep. but what difference does the amount of sleep make when you wake up from both with the same bone-deep exhaustion anyway?
seolheeâs eyes brighten the slightest when you pull a chair up beside her bed and it solidifies your decision to answer, âof course,â because as a doctor, time is not for yourself but for other people. you have to make time out of nothing.
you tug on the elastic around your ponytail and shake your hair out, sectioning off the right side to work with. from your experience teaching all of your boyfriends, it had quickly become clear that braiding was easiest learnt with less hair to work with. splitting the sectioned hair into three locks, you lace them through your fingers to keep them separate as you talk seolhee through the steps.
âtake the right strand and bring it over into the middle like this,â you teach, moving your fingers deftly but slowly. âthen take the left strand and bring it over into the middle. then we repeat it againâright into the middle, left into the middle.â
your fingers continue weaving the locks of hair over and under, the motions familiar and the memory of teaching somebody else even more so. when you have braided almost to the ends of your hair, you release the braid then tuck your chair closer to the bed so that seolhee can reach easily.
âhere, you try.â
at your encouragement, the little girl does as she remembers and starts to section off three locks of hair. her fingers accidentally tug too hard when she encounters a knot and you both rush to apologise.
âsorry, my hair is kind of tangled,â you chuckle lowly as heat rushes to the tip of your ears. âi havenât used conditioner in a long time.â
âthatâs okay. me neither,â seolhee jokes, giggling at her own words before asking you, âwhy not?â
you distractedly run your fingers through the hair that is not in seolheeâs hands as you slowly answer, âit saves me five minutes each time. it doesnât sound like a lot, butâŚâ
â...in the hospital itâs a lot,â seolhee finishes solemnly.
you nod. âfive minutes can be a long hug before someone leaves forever. it can be somebodyâs last confession or last promise. five minutes can be the difference between life and death.â
hush settles over her room while she eases the knot apart, six-year-old fingers gentle with the understanding of an adult several times her age. after a few minutes, she changes the topic. âwho was the fastest learner out of your boyfriends? was it nurse hwa?â
âit was actually doctor jeong,â you reveal.
âfrom general surgery?â
you laugh at seolheeâs memory, âyes, doctor jeong from general surgery. he has the steadiest and most skillful hands.â
âare his braids also the prettiest, then?â
âthey are very pretty, but i think doctor choiâthe younger choiâdoes the prettiest braids.â
seolheeâs fingers pause so she can admire the beginnings of her handiwork. âdo they still braid your hair?â she asks.
ânot anymore,â you give a miniscule shrug. âthere isnât as much time to do things like this and certain things just lose their novelty over time.â
she looks at you curiously. âwhat does novelty mean?â
âsomething new and unfamiliarâŚin a sense, special.â
âwhy do things lose their novelty then?â seolhee frowns.
you hum, unsure how to answer such a simple yet riveting question when you yourself have never thought about it. you deliberate over your words, âi guess when we see, do and say things that were originally different over and over again, they can simply become habits and part of our routines. we do things just for the sake of doing them and eventually they lose their meaning. when that happens, sometimes you just end up not doing them anymore.â
wistful nostalgia fills you as seolhee continues braiding your hair, the ticklish intimacy sending your mind adrift to a time when your boys would do the sameâback to a time when your hair was smooth and knot-free because you still used conditioner. but change is inevitable and you have no time to dwell on what used to be. so after seolhee finishes her braid, you return to your cycle of work, home and sleep.
by the time you get home in the afternoon, most of your boyfriends have long left for their shifts save for san, who was also on-call, and yunho, who is still not back from an emergency trauma surgery. you are barely able to keep your eyes open when you stumble into the bathroom for a quick shower. this time, you completely forgo both conditioner and shampoo, simply wetting your hair as you roughly scrub your face and the rest of your body. you do not bother to dry your hair either, keeping it wrapped in a towel before you sink into bed.
you have no recollection of falling asleep when the soft click of the front door opening and closing wakes you up. eyes still closed, you drowsily listen to yunhoâs soft thuds and murmurs as he treads his usual path through the house upon returning. your boyfriend pads softly to the dining room, to the bathroomâŚthen he goes straight to his own bedroom.
no longer do you stay within the clutches of rest. yunho has always, no matter how exhausted, taken time to give you and the others a kiss before he heads to sleep. it is his habit, his routine. you lay awake for a long time, coming up with excuses as to why he has broken his cycle today, waiting to see if yunho will get up again and come into your room.
he does not and you eventually fall asleep again in restless fitfulness.
this will soon become the new norm; yunho will not take an extra five minutes to go into your bedrooms and give you tender kisses. in due time, your heart will no longer clench in disappointment nor will you lay awake in false hope whenever he returns from his shift.
you will simply drift back into the realms of unconsciousness seconds after hearing the click of the front door open, succumbing into peaceful sleep again before the door has even closed shut. after all, things lose their novelty over time.

you do not normally watch dramas or tv shows, or anything that requires a recurring time commitment, really. for one, that is hours upon hours of time that could be used elsewhere, and two, the scattered time you can find here and there is so sparse you often forget the events of the last episode by the time you watch the next.
but your fingers currently hover over the first episode of an airing drama, one too many clips of this particular show having appeared on your feed for you not to crack, so you decide to give it a go. you can watch maybe half an episode before you should head to sleep since your shift starts early tomorrow, but maybe, just maybe, tonight you will spoil yourself with the entire episode.
keeping the volume low on your phone since you are in the living room with a few of your boyfriends, you tuck your feet closer towards yourself on the couch and play the first episode. jonghoâs ears perk up at the starting sounds of the introduction from where he is in the kitchen reheating some leftovers and he comments, âitâs been a while since you last watched something.â
you nod just as jonghoâs words catch the attention of wooyoung walking past. âyouâre starting a drama?â he asks, peering at your phone with a slight snicker. âdamn, youâre going to spend even less time with us now.â
it is an off-handed joke with no ill intentions, yet it digs itself uncomfortably inside your chest, even more so when a few of the others also chuckle. your finger twitches to stop your episode. the couch sinks beside you under the weight of mingi, who has moved from his position on the floor to your right with quiet comfort and veiled protectiveness.
âweâve all been spending less time with one another,â he vaguely points out.
hongjoong looks up from the systematic review he is reading on gene replacement therapy, still rushing to complete his presentation. âyouâre right. thatâs funny,â he remarks, âi canât remember the last time we went out on dates, even when just any two of us.â
wooyoung shrugs, âweâve all been tired.â
your mouth opens before you can stop yourself from snapping, âso why was i the only one who was the butt of the joke?â
âwoah, sorry,â hongjoong winces slightly, âwe didnât know it would make you feel upset or anything.â
it is not sadness so much as guilt that pricks at your conscience, because there is slight truth to the situationâyou havenât been making as much effort, but neither has anyone. you are not the one drifting away from the others. you are all drifting apart in your own directions.
jongho steps in to smoothen the situation with a blanket statement, âweâve all been tired and busy. nobodyâs pointing fingers at anybody. drop it.â the microwave sounds and he turns to take his food out.
something is pressed into your hand and you glance down to see mingi wordlessly handing you a set of earphones. he gives you a small smile, nudging your hand with the earphones and a beckon of his brows. you return his smile and place one in your ear before offering him the other. mingi puts it in whilst reaching over to hold your phone in your stead, then taps his own shoulder with his free hand for you to rest your head against.
your boyfriend adjusts the volume higher as he murmurs, âitâs a bit hard to hear,â but you know better. mingi does not care for dramas and the volume is already plenty loud. sometimes, additional noise is just needed to drown out other noise.
the drama continues to play but you heed no attention to it. wooyoung has walked back into his room to finish the lecture he is watching, jongho now sits at the dining table to eat, and hongjoong is working on his presentation again.
the conversation with your boyfriends has ended with the conclusion that there have been no dates recently. yet, there is no extension of the conversation to make a date happen. it would be a lie to say that you have not noticed their absence, but after the first couple of times they had to be postponed or called off entirely, they just started slipping from your mind completely.
you wonder when you had all stopped making the intentional effort to go on dates, but most of all, you wonder when you had all stopped caring.
you only watch half an episode that night. you do not pick it back up again either.

she is alive.
there is a webbing of tubes and wires encasing her entire bodyâblood transfusions, vasopressors, monitoring lines of all sortsâbut she is alive. kim seolhee is still alive.
only at the physical sight of her chest moving up and down does the reassurance unlock the tautness in your joints, the strained muscles in your body almost failing to hold your weight upright as you lean subtly against the threshold of the door.
you had headed straight for seolheeâs room before everything else the moment you had arrived for your shift. the usual fifteen-minute drive to the hospital had been shortened to half its time when mingi had arrived home from his shift just as you were getting ready to leave for yours with the news that seolhee had been readmitted into the ED with sepsis and was now in the paediatric intensive care unit. you had driven on autopilot the entire way swallowing the thick surge of panic that kept rising up your throat despite mingiâs repeated reassurances that she was stable; she just needed further monitoring.
âi thought i was going to die.â
those are the first words that faintly leave her lips when she sees you, her face mercifully free of a ventilator and oxygen mask, which is always a good sign. you weakly breathe out, tone as light as you can make it, âwell, thank god youâre alive.â
âmissed you too much, doctor snowflake,â seolheeâs hand twitches in your direction with attempted cheekiness as you walk closer. âi came back to follow you to your next rotation.â
despite the situation, you break out into a small bout of giggles at her morbid humour. you had sated seolheeâs curiosity by telling her your entire year of scheduled rotations and by some twist of fate, your PICU rotation had commenced two weeks ago. with a fond tap of her nose that conceals the clenching sadness inside your heart, you joke, âyou just like riding in the ambulance, donât you?â
âmaybe,â she grins innocently. âthe sirens are pretty cool.â
despite the snort of amusement that leaves you, her answer is what truly makes your throat constrict and voice waver. your words are hardly audibleâafraid to break down fully in front of your patient, in front of sweet seolheeâwhen you respond, âi knew it.â
but she is ever perceptive as she comforts, âdonât cry.â
âiâm not,â you shamelessly counter, even as heat starts to pool around your eyes, and the both of you laugh at your absurdity. but in certain situations if you do not laugh, the only other option will be to cry and you cannot have that because that would be unprofessionalâneither would you be able to stopâso you will wait until you are only in the presence of your boyfriends to let yourself go.
sleep starts to take over seolhee again and she drowsily blinks at you, energy depleted from her infection, cancer and the numerous drugs pumping throughout her battered body. she sinks herself a little deeper into her crinkly mattress and fights off her closing eyelids just long enough to tell you once more, âi love you more than there are snowflakes falling outside.â
it is already nearing the end of summer now despite the unchanging pristine whiteness of winter within the hospital walls. yet, you cannot bear to point that out, not when you were so close to losing her phrase of affection forever.
her eyes close and you watch the steady rhythm of her chest rising and falling. thank god she is alive.
your prayer comes from y/n, but the bitter resentment at the irony of those five words comes from doctor l/n. your entire life is dedicated to saving the lives of others, yet time and time again you are forced to wonder just how much power you truly have as a doctor in the face of fate and the gods above; where it makes you wonder whether your efforts and sacrifices will always be in vain if your patient is somebody whose time on earth has just simply run out.
and it appears that you are not the only person weighed down by the harsh insecurities of your career today. yeosangâs knees are drawn up to his chest, arms wrapped around them as he sits on the floor against the wall of the storage room you two are hiding in, mere hours later after your turbulent morning with seolhee.
âhe was our age,â yeosang finally murmurs after a few minutes of silence. âhe was admitted for a suspected brain tumour only because a sudden headache caused him to lose consciousness.â
whereas seolhee had been a case of could haveâshe could have diedâthere are cases like yeosangâs patient. the would have lived; the what if and the if only.
yeosangâs chest shudders as he exhales, âhe had had consistent migraines for months but he never did anything about them. he wouldâve lived, otherwise. turns out it was a brain tumour all along and it ended up rupturing because it was left untreatedâŚhe didnât survive the surgery.â
your boyfriend rarely cries and today is no exception either. yet the way he leans into your side for both physical and emotional support shows just how much his heart is hurting for this death. death is something you all learn to become accustomed to in the medical field, but desensitisation does not equate to immunity. there will always be ones that hit harder than others.
it is a harrowing death when the patient is close in age because it makes you think of yourselfâof your friends, of your loversâand it hurts that much more to think that it could have been any of those people. this morning has already left your emotions strung tight and heart vulnerable, and very quickly you can feel the same swell of tears threatening to demolish the walls you had hastily built to keep yourself collected.
you want to cry but then that would be taking away from yeosangâs hurt, so you will wait until you are home instead. for now, you tug yeosang into your arms, holding him steady against your chest as if that will support your own walls and keep them from crumbling.
by the time you get home after your shift, you are no more than a mere husk of yourself. you have drained every single reservoir of yours that holds your love, care and courage for your patients. all that is left are the fragile remnants waiting to break at the slightest touch. you trudge down the corridor to your room, muddled mind trying to recall whether san is home tonight to hold you in your sleep, when you walk past the partially-closed door to seonghwaâs bedroom.
instinctively, you glance inside. he lays listlessly on his bed, eyes staring blankly at the ceiling, and you immediately know.
where there are the could haves and the would haves, there are also the should haves; the unjust, the young deaths. those that should not even be an existing phenomenon in the world no matter how cruel the devil may beâthose who should have lived.
seonghwa, who wears his entire heart on his sleeve, has lost a PICU baby at work today.
for a split second, there is a shameful thought that suddenly infiltrates your mindâto continue walking past as if you had not seen him until you reach the confines of your own room. but you could never do that to any of your boyfriends, much less seonghwa. seonghwa, who treats each and every baby like his own, who hides in the bathroom to cry after he sees the parents hurting, whose love and empathy is a never-ending fountain of supply.
you knock softly on the door so as not to startle him then gently call out his name. it takes the door opening a little wider for him to realise you are stepping into his room and he immediately sits up, a small smile gracing his face at the sight of you despite the blotchiness of his skin.
âsorry, love. i didnât notice you standing there,â he apologises.
you shake your head, heart clenching at the sight of him pretending to be okay. you walk closer to him until you can smooth down the back of his hair with kind hands. âdo you want to talk?â you tenderly ask.
the tension releases in seonghwaâs shoulders and back as he sags, no longer keeping up his facade at the knowledge that you can see right through him. he looks up at you tiredly with his swollen eyes, âdo you have time to talk?â
time you can always make. perhaps the question that should be asked is whether you have the capacity to talkâŚthe emotional capacity. frankly, you do not. you yourself need to cry, whether for seolhee or out of mental exhaustion itself it does not matter anymore. but saying no would be putting your needs before his, and putting your needs after everybody elseâs is all that you have known as a doctor, so you will wait until you are alone in the darkness under your bed covers to finally let yourself go.
for now, you rest seonghwaâs head in your lap and brush away his tears, soaking up the pain of his words into your own heart instead. only when his breathing evens out and he no longer stirs under your fingers do you finally ease yourself to lie down next to him, barely hanging on to the edges of your own consciousness. you fall asleep before your tears can even begin to gather underneath your closed eyelids.
that night, you dream of drowningâstifling lungs and gasping mouthfulsâuntil you eventually suffocate in silence and become swallowed by the black depths of the water. the pillow underneath your cheek is damp when you jolt awake, but whether it is from cold sweat or tears you do not know.

you are convinced dr namâs job description includes making your life hell. no matter where your rotation takes place, the department head always manages to find fault in something you doâŚor do not do.
âdo you know what our hospital prides itself in?â dr. nam asks rhetorically. âwe are not simply a hospitalâwe are a family. we help each other out in times of need.â
there is a rising snort in your throat that threatens to reveal your cynicism, knowing that when the phrase âfamilyâ comes from somebody of higher authority, it is just a cover-up of mock care for the employees. dr. nam continues to smile, not unkindly, but with obvious artificiality that makes it look dangerous as he asks, âso how come you are not helping out in the NICU? i know that the attending has asked you for help.â
overnight on-call shifts already have fewer staff rostered on than usual, but with one of the junior residents having called in sick, the NICU is currently understaffed. the attending physician had paged you earlier asking if you could help out with some of the routine admissions and write up the patient histories and physicals, but you had apologised and declined. for one, you are assigned to the PICU, two, you are the most senior resident on that shift and three, you have endless tasks with far higher priority to complete instead.
you struggle to keep the exasperation out of your voice, sick of being flagged for ridiculous reasons and much less when you are seventeen hours into your shift, âmost of the NICU admissions were stable and did not require urgent attention. their H&Ps can be completed later when the juniors are back.â
âah,â dr. nam nods his head condescendingly, âdoctor l/n, you stick by the rules too much. where is your sense of comradeship for this family that we have at kqâif not the entire hospital, then at least within our own department? if i remember correctly, there was a similar incident with one of your past interns.â
it is absolutely ridiculous that even months later you are still being faulted for the central line incident with dr. lim. you stay silent, expression dark and jaw grinding no matter how hard you try not to let your frustration show.Â
âgo help out in the NICU for an hour or two. iâm sure your own unit is relatively quiet right now,â he instructs. âremember, weâre a family that helps one another.â dr. namâs grin grows wider, words dripping with saccharine honey that makes it impossible to refute.
âyes, doctor nam,â you respond through gritted teeth. double-checking you have your pager on you so that your actual ward can still reach you for emergencies, you take the elevator down to the NICU.
the next few hours are spent stretching yourself thin over both units as you run back and forth managing patients, answering questions, and most irritatingly, completing tasks that should really be allocated to juniors. it is not until you dazedly mistype the same word four times into the EMR that it registers in your groggy mind that it is already early in the morning, past the quiet time that is your usual window for a brief hour of sleep.
you inhale slowly until your chest is full then let out the longest sigh, your head tilted upwards, eyes closed and shoulders slouching as the worldâs worth of resignation weighs down on you. it is 5:30AM, only five more hoursâor three if you are luckyâleft until the end of your shift. keeping your eyes shut for another few seconds, you recollect yourself to make it through the morning.
a resident appears in front of you, seemingly chipper as he stretches his arms above his head and jokes to a passing nurse that he had an amazing nap in the call room. the brief composure you had gathered immediately dissipates when you hear him. not only have you sacrificed your own sleep to help a unit that is not your own, but there are NICU residents who have taken the liberty to nap instead.
thatâs it. you have done multitudes more than your duty requires you to do so. greeting the well-rested resident with a passive-aggressive smile, even if you are aware he is not at fault, you bid your farewell with the instruction, âtell your attending that doctor l/n has gone back to her own unit now.â
you punch the elevatorâs number to your floor a little harder than intended, grateful that there is nobody else inside to hear your loud exhale of weariness and defeat. the floor display slowly flickers with higher numbers. maybe being back in the PICU will give you peace of mind.
the elevator doors open to directly reveal a ruckus beside the nursing station. âfucking hell,â you mutter to yourself, finally letting a curse slip through. âwhat now?â
âwhat do you mean youâre not a doctor?â a shrill voice cuts through the noise of the small huddle of people as you walk closer.
âi am a nurse, mrs ryeo, not a doctor,â somebody answers.
you could recognise his voice anywhereâit is wooyoung. your exasperation quickly turns into concern and you ease yourself through a few nurses so that you can reach your boyfriend.
mrs ryeo states, âbut youâre a man.â
âthat is an excellent observation, but unfortunately, that does not change my job qualifications.â despite wooyoungâs innate cheek, it does not usually appear when he is dealing with parents or the occasional adult patient, which tells you that this woman is either a repeating offender or has been kicking up a fuss for some time now.
âhello, mrs ryeo,â you intercept, stepping over to wooyoungâs side. âhow can i help you?â
the middle-aged lady scans you up and down with disdain before scoffing, âi donât want a nurse; i want a doctor.â
your patience has long been running on thin ice and if you did not care about your career, you would turn around, walk two steps away, then twirl around with a curtsey whilst introducing yourself as doctor l/n just to fuck with her. at least wooyoung would laugh.
unfortunately, you do care about your career so you can only explain with a placating smile on your face that you are a doctorâa fourth-year resident at that. mrs ryeo ignores you in favour of rudely pointing and beckoning behind you. âhey, you,â she demands, âsee my child.â
a glance over your shoulder reveals that she has pointed to one of your male interns. he does not make a move to step forward, warily gesturing back towards you as he explains, âsheâs the senior resident on call right now.â
âi donât want a fucking resident. i want a real doctor,â she opposes.
âmrs ryeo,â you grit your teeth, âhe is my intern. i am a doctorâthe most senior doctor currently on shiftââ
âbullshit youâre the most senior doctor. i refuse to let you treat my child. i want a male doctor.â
your fingers flutter out to grasp the side of wooyoungâs scrubs, partially to ground yourself, but also because you know that he will not stand there and let you be disrespected. however, there is absolutely no way any of you will be able to talk some sense into her, so it is better to just save your breaths. âdr. ahn will not be in until this afternoon,â you simply state.
âthen iâll wait,â she snaps stubbornly.
you nod, âas you wish. iâll let him know.â you walk away and the nurses take that as their cue to disperse and continue with their duties now that the situation has been somewhat diffused.Â
wooyoung follows you aside to where there are less people. âyou okay?â he asks, searching your eyes.
with a dismissive shrug you answer, âyou get used to it,â then change the topic to gently remind, âdocument it on the EMR that she refused to be seen and then fill out an incident report.â
wooyoung nods but continues to look at you unconvinced. âdo you finish at seven today? iâll wait for you,â he offers.
âno,â you grimace, âi probably have to wait until the morning rounds are over. you go home first.â a soft laugh escapes from you when your boyfriendâs eyebrows knit together and you reassure, âiâm fine, really. i should get back to work. iâll see you at home, woo.â
you turn around before his expression or any further questions can weaken your resolve. from somewhere near the nursing station, you know that mrs ryeo is still staring at you scathingly. breaking down now in any shape or form would only serve to fuel her misogynistic prejudices. so you hold your head up high, pretend that this is just any other day, then continue with the remainder of your shift telling yourself that nothing can make you break.
it is nearing eleven in the morning by the time you get home. your feet mechanically take you to your doorstep and your hands slide the cover of the keypad lock upwards to tap in the number code, mind dissociated from your heart and the rest of your body. like water and hot oil, you keep them separated, otherwise dwelling on how they feel together will inevitably lead to a sudden outburst of emotion.
you feel yourself being dragged back to your senses, automatically tuning in to the rowdiness that increases in volume when you open the door. it is one of those rare sundays where more than half of you are home together. there are shouts of teasing banter, cabinets closing shut and the clink of glassware being washed. vaguely, you can also hear a passionate squabble between two of your boyfriends over something trivial.
whereas before, coming home to your boys would have cooled down your bubbling oil, today they feel like the water you are trying to keep away.
âi swear it wasnât me,â you hear.
sanâs voice is slightly muffled as he teases back, âyeah, whatever you say, yunho.â
you slowly walk into the open living room from where you can also see the kitchen. the countertop surface is covered with plastic bags, groceries for nine spilling out from them as jongho systematically pulls the cold items out to hand them over to san. said boyfriend has his body halfway inside the fridge whilst yunho holds the door open by leaning on it with his weight.
âitâs true! i didnât drink any this week,â yunho defends himself. ây/n didnât buy them!â
you falter at the mention of your name. without the context of the conversation, you are suddenly left wondering whether you had messed something up.
âspeak of the devil,â yeosang announces, spotting you as he returns from the bathroom. he comes up and gives you quick squeeze in greeting.
yunho perks up at the sight of you. âperfect! let me prove it to you,â he tells san. determined to attest his supposed innocence over something that you still do not know what, your tallest boyfriend turns to face you and asks, âdid you restock our protein shakes last week?â
you frown with an unintelligent stutter as you try to recall the sudden information. last week, you had gone out to get some fresh groceries but had suddenly been called in for a shift, so you had had to give up on everything you did not deem as essential. san and yunhoâs shakes, unfortunately, did not make the cut.
âno, iââ
âsee!â yunho exclaims, whipping around to face san again before you can finish the rest of your sentence. his tone is triumphant as he reiterates, âi told you it was y/n who was the culprit, not me!â
san chuckles with fondness at the other, âokay, youâre forgiven.â
a bitter taste immediately spreads throughout your mouth along with the flaming heat that now covers your cheeks. you cannot tell whether it is anger or embarrassmentâperhaps bothâbut it feels as though the water you have been holding off has suddenly been poured over you.
âwhy didnât you go buy them yourself, then, if you knew i didnât,â you question yunho curtly.
he looks at you with a grin, âbecause you were meant to buy them and then i didnât have time to go.â his words are stated as a matter-of-factly with absolutely no intentions to insinuate anything apart from his reasons as to why he did not buy the protein shakes himself.
but you do not hear yunho and his playfulness that you normally indulge inâyou hear dr. nam instead belittling your time and you also hear mrs ryeo with her condescending contempt, and now that you are no longer at work, you fail to reign yourself in. you snap before you even realise how heated your words are, âyeah, and i have all the time in the world.â you throw out sarcastically, ânext time, why donât i also mix your shakes, wait on my knees and hold the straw up to your lips while you drink them during your workouts.â
your boyfriends stare at you with wide eyes, silence deafening after the near-shout your voice had risen to by the end of your sentence. you let out a shaky exhale, suddenly sober. you no longer bubble and boil inside, emotions down to a simmer now, but still they remain unsteady and suddenly leave you with overwhelming exhaustion.
âsorry,â you mutter under your breath, âforget i said anything.â
pivoting on the balls of your feet, you escape to your own bedroom, ignoring the concern on wooyoungâs face from where he has woken up and stuck his head out of his own room at the commotion. you shut your door and then sit heavily on the edge of your bed, elbows resting on your knees and head buried in your hands.
âfuck,â you hiss, digging the palms of your hands into your eyes to stop yourself from crying. you are so frustratedâat everything that has happened today, at how you reacted, at the fact that you cannot seem to understand what you are feeling or what you want anymore.
you are going to have to talk to your boyfriends and apologise later, but for now, you just need to be alone.
only a few minutes pass before there is a soft knock on your bedroom door. you make no move to acknowledge the sound. neither do you make a noise of rejection though, so the boyfriend outside your door takes it as his cue to walk in.
ây/n?â he calls out hesitantly.
at the sound of his voice, you immediately look up. it is yunho looking like a kicked puppy, unable to bear any sort of conflict between any of you no matter how big or small the matter. you stand up but stay close to your bed. your heart wants to tug you closer towards your boyfriend yet your feet stay glued to their spot.
ây/nâŚâ he starts again, âiâsorry, i didnât mean for you to feel as though i was blaming you.â
you shake your head, âitâs fine, i know you didnât.â
âthat still doesnât change the fact that i hurt you,â yunho expresses, taking a step closer towards you.
âno, i should be the one apologisingâsorry. what i said to you was completely uncalled for,â you admit.
âhey, no. i didnât come for an apology,â he looks at you with rounded eyes, now close enough to grasp you gently by your arms. yunhoâs voice is soft as he says, âiâm worried about you. you donât normally lash out like thatâŚwhatâs wrong?â
everything.
ânothing,â you answer, avoiding his gaze.
he continues to probe, âare you sure? is it something to do with work?â when you remain quiet, he starts to guess, â...or is it usââ
âitâs work,â you cut him off before he can turn his words into a real question. âwork has been tiring. i justâgive me a bit of time.â you pat yunhoâs hand placatingly, subtly easing your arms out of his grasp at the same time. you do not deserve his affection right now.
he fumbles awkwardly, unease stringing his body tight as his eyes scan yours. âweâll talk later then?â he eventually concludes, verbally reaching out one more time to see if you want to take it.
âlater,â you confirm softly, a small smile gracing your lips that does not reach the rest of your face. âiâm going to catch up on some sleep now.â
âah, right. you were on call. sleep well then,â yunho concedes. he walks out of your room, gingerly closing the door behind him.
you have barely grabbed a fresh set of pajamas and underwear to quickly rinse yourself in the shower when there is another knock on your door. it takes a lot of energy not to sigh but to open the door instead where you discover san and jongho standing in the corridor with twin expressions of concern.
âdid yunho talk things out with you?â san asks as jongho simultaneously says, âhow are you feeling?â
you know that they have good intentions checking up on you, but you really just want to be left alone. your own thoughts and emotions are already equivalent to a crowd themselves. âyeah, yunho and i are fine. iâm fine, just tired. thanks for asking and sorry for shouting earlier,â you apologise, because you owe them that much at the very least. then you try and dismiss them before they can ask anything else, âa shower and some sleep will do me good.â
they glance down when you lift up your hand and they see the clothes you hold. jongho knows better than to push, so he places his own hand on sanâs back in silent meaning whilst answering on their behalf, âyouâre right. weâll let you sleep. do you want us to wake you up for dinner?â
you smile a little more genuinely but still shake your head. âiâll eat something before i leave for work tomorrow.â
although san has a lot to say to that, he holds his tongue and lets himself be guided back to the kitchen with jonghoâs hand still on him. âlet her have some time alone first. sheâll eat if sheâs hungry,â the younger reassures him and san can only nod and hope that rest is all that you need. he cannot shake off the feeling that there is much more to it than you are letting on.
you hop into the shower, rinse and dry off and brush your teeth within ten minutes. sleep is your only reprieve nowâthe only time you do not need to think or feelâand you rush through your routine before you can start coming to conclusions about the whats and whys to the problems in your life. finishing up in the bathroom you go back to your own room, startling when you open the door and are greeted by the sight of wooyoung waiting on your bed.
âyou okay?â he asks as soon as he sees you.
annoyance starts to grind your gears no matter how hard you try to remind yourself that your boyfriends are purely looking out for you. but concern has its limits before it starts to become overbearing and when they keep asking one after the other, you are unable to appreciate their efforts.
âiâm fine,â you respond tersely, words no longer genuine after how many times you have repeated them to questions you have heard on loop.
âare you sure? i know you had a rough day at work with mrs ryeo andââ
âwooyoung,â you finally interrupt, âjust drop it. please.â
his expression falls and you immediately regret your words. but whatâs done is done and the list of people you are hurting today only seems capable of growingâwhat is one more person on the list? wooyoung stands up and leaves your room with a quiet, sorry, and you do nothing to stop him.
hearing the door shut behind you, you walk over to where the curtains are pulled aside to let the afternoon sunlight of autumn filter in. all the curtains in the bedrooms are blackout curtains, the first additions to the apartment from day one of your careers. you draw them closed, shutting out the sunlight and plunging your room into darkness.
at last, you slide into bed. the screen of your phone lights up as you plug it into your charger and you find a text from yeosang and one from seonghwa just a few minutes ago, but you do not open them. you clear your notifications before you can even read the previews and put your phone on âdo not disturbâ. making sure your alarm is set for tomorrowâs shift, you switch the screen off and shove it under your pillow.
you close your eyes. you have a long list of people to work things out with before you can truly say that you are fine. but there is one thing you fail to realise as you finally fall asleep. the name at the very top of the list is not one of your boyfriendsââ
it is your own.

the incident ends up being swept under the rug. you wake up that next morning an hour before your first alarm goes off, lying in the muted hours of dawn before the world starts to stir with the shadows on the ceiling of your bedroom twisting and warping like creatures.
your entire body is filled with an inexplicable sense of dread at the thought of the day ahead. it is not solely due to what happened yesterday between you and your boyfriends. there are a multitude of contributing factors but frankly, you fear dwelling on them and finding out just what percentage of your anxiety stems from the boys. unable to fall asleep and not entirely ready to face anybody yet, you decide to leave for your shift early.
the drive to the hospital feels particularly dystopian today. no matter what season the streets transition into over the yearâregardless of the brilliant vibrance of autumn that has blanketed the ground for the last two monthsâit unfailingly turns back into the perpetual state of sterile winter once you are inside the hospital. it has never been something that you have dwelled on, but now it seems to be the truest reflection of your current selfâa mere utopian facade hiding what is inside your walls.
you return nurse aeriâs enthusiastic greeting upon walking into the PICU with chirpiness that your weekend was great. you gasp with animated reactions at the story little siwoo tells you when you reach his room during your morning rounds. you comfort mr and mrs chae with graceful compassion and warm smiles when you tell them their daughter can finally be discharged. not a single person would look at you and think that something is wrong, and yet, you feel like you are simply a ghost of your emotions, detached and distant from your own words and actions. not even the news of seolhee stabilising enough to be transferred out of the PICU back to the paediatric oncology ward gives you the same genuine spike in emotions you would have felt a week ago.
the brief encounters with seonghwa around the unit and the brief glimpses of san and wooyoung around the department do nothing to alleviate your blanket of anxiety because they are a visual and physical reminder of the cavernous pit in your stomach. you end up going home after your shift with a tightness in your chest that has gradually become suffocating at the thought of being confined in the same space as your boyfriends, wondering if they are expecting you to talk to them; the conversation you had brushed off yesterday.
you are not ready yet and you do not want to talk, so instead you do what you do bestâwalk through the threshold of your front door with a plastered expression of neutrality as though nothing has happened the day before. but to your surpriseâwhether pleasant or bitter, however contradictory that may be, you cannot tellâthey too appear to skirt around the issue.
there is a restless buzz in the air as yunho portions dinner out into separate bowls for those who are at home. hongjoong is hunched over his laptop with concentration at the dining table as usual, zeroed in on his presentation even amongst the bustle of yeosang and jongho setting the cutlery around him, but the jitters in his legs tell you differently. when he spots you walking closer, he shuts his laptop and places it to the side to greet you.
âseonghwa made ramen bulgogi for us before he left,â he tells you while you wash your hands at the sink and peer into the pot yunho is holding.
you gingerly slide into the seat across from hongjoong, watching yeosang dawdling in the kitchen as if he is trying to find something to keep himself busy with. âi thought he wasnât rostered on for night shift today,â you absentmindedly comment.
jongho places your bowl of ramen in front of you and sits to your right as he answers, âhe had to cover for one of the other nurses.â
you nod, waiting for the two in the kitchen. yunho comes to sit on your other side at the head of the table and yeosang beside hongjoong, their bowls placed down with a clunk that leads to silence in conversation.
âhowâs your presentation going?â yunho vaguely asks hongjoong after a few minutes.
the older picks at his meat in his bowl, âitâs going alright. i only have the limitations and future directions for neurological gene therapies left to research.â
there is another lull in conversation before jongho asks, âdid your surgeries go smoothly today?â
yunho nods, âi led a couple of trauma surgeries today. only one of them ended up going overtime.â
âyouâre going to surpass the other doctors soon, doctor jeong from general surgery,â you tease slightly.
the boys share a few chuckles before the table falls silent once more and you can only hear the occasional slurp of noodles or clatter of chopsticks against the bowl. you glance at hongjoong, who is scratching the back of his neck, then at yeosang, whose gaze you can see darting around his bowl like he is avoiding eye contact. shifting your weight slightly in your chair, you suddenly start to realise why they are all acting so awkwardly.
it is not that your boyfriends are trying to skirt around yesterdayâs falloutâif you can call it thatâlike you are. instead, they are waiting for you to be the one initiating the conversation so that they know for sure you are ready to have the conversation. the sentiment is appreciated but it does nothing to stop your muscles from clamming up even further.
the thought of talking and even just thinking about why you are feeling the way you are is enough to overwhelm you entirely again. it is much easier to simply pretend you are okay than to face the problems head on, because then you have to actually acknowledge that something is wrong. but you know that it is not just one issue but several things exacerbating one another, and just that awareness in itself already makes your insides lurch and clench dangerously.Â
there is one sole advantage to your boyfriendsâ approach to handling this situation. the timeline of when to talk is left up to you, so you choose the one option they had failed to preemptânot to talk at all. you finish your ramen in silence pretending you do not see the shared glances between the boys, get up to place your dishes into the sink ignoring the gazes that linger on your back, then retreat to your bedroom whilst shoving your emotions into the deepest corners in the back of your mind.
they gave you a choice. you simply made one.

the weeks pass by. you change through another rotation and the beginning of winter arrives once more. the only thing that stays the same is the elephant in the room that remains unaddressed and your lonely fight to keep it that way.
restlessness seeps into every interaction that the boys share with you. it follows you to work, jongho and yunho making excuses to go to your ward just to see what you are doing even though their own wards are on the other side of the hospital. it is in the way san tries to swap himself onto night shifts the days he knows you are working one as well, and in how seonghwa liaises with your colleagues under the guise of his role as the CNS, simply to probe whether you are overexerting yourself or not.
it follows you home too, a constant breathing down your neck in the form of mingi carefully scanning your expression the moment you walk through the door after your shift, and in yeosang hovering within five feet regardless of where you are. wooyoung checks the fridge first thing after coming home, counting the boxes of meal prep to make sure you had taken one to work that day, and hongjoong asks how your day was with the intention of probing further to ask how you are coping. he is not the only one who tries to check and your answer never changesâwork was good, you are fine.
gradually, you find yourself trying to avoid their line of sight, ducking behind colleagues on the wards or back into your own bedroom at home. it is easier to pretend that you are okay than to admit that you are not, and when that does not work, to just stay away from your boyfriends completely. you are well aware that avoiding them is not healthy, but smokers too know very clearly the health risks of tobacco yet continue to smoke. just how many things are there in the world that we know are unhealthy for ourselvesâphysically, mentally, sociallyâand we still choose to make that decision?
but as with any unhealthy choices, they eventually lead to detrimental consequences. unbeknownst to you, each denial of help causes the string inside of you to wind up tighter and tighter until it becomes taut enough to snap at any moment.
and that is what ends up happening on a wednesday night.
seonghwa and wooyoung are both still at the hospital. by the time they get home after their shifts, it will already nearly be time for dinner, so with everybodyâs first preferences for cooks still working, you are the next in line. hongjoong had originally offered to order takeout instead since you had been on call last night, but you had been unable to fall asleep despite how exhausted you felt and you hated being stuck in the limbo state of idleness between rest and non-rest.
âare you sure you donât want us to just order takeout today?â
âitâs fine, hongjoong,â you respond shortly, âiâve already started cooking.â
yeosang sits at the countertop separating the kitchen from the open living room and dining area, watching as you make a simple soup and stir-fried dish. you try to ignore his intent staring but it is difficult when his gaze quite literally follows you from cupboard to sink to stove. it is only when he hesitantly asks, âare you okay?â that you realise you have left your expression unschooled, dark frown covering your face.
you force your features to relax and nod, trying not to throw a question back at him asking what he is doing just staring at you. his question catches the attention of san sitting on the couch, who calls out to check up on you, âis something wrong?â
ânothingâs wrong,â you sigh, turning around as if that will help to block them out, aware that your patience for themâfor anybodyâhas started running thin. you idly hum at sanâs reminder to ask them for help if you need it despite knowing fully well that having an extra person in the kitchen space would only serve to have the opposite effect to its intended purpose.
jongho passes by behind you to fill up a cup of water at the sink. as he waits, he glances at you stirring the pot before double taking at your expression. he tentatively questions, âyou alright? do you want me to help?â
âwhy do you keep asking me that?â you reply, only half-jokingly. you drive him out with an irritated wave of your hand, âjust sit and wait.â
your boyfriends are at least tactful enough to understand they are not to step foot into the kitchen until dinner is cooked, but it does nothing to alleviate the sensation of holes being drilled into the back of your head. you are so focused on ignoring them that you do not realise when seonghwa and wooyoung come home from their shifts.
âhey, love,â seonghwa sidles up to you in the kitchen as you slice some extra spring onions. âhowâs your day been?â
as he asks you, he comes up from behind and slides a hand around your hip to rest on it. his touch is habitualâsomething he always does to you and the boysâbut you are tense and on edge. you jerk in surprise, accidentally slicing your finger with the knife. it is only a small cut and absolutely unintentional on your boyfriendâs part, but your fuse finally runs out and you drop the knife with a clatter, whirling around angrily to face him.
âcan you fucking stop doing that?â you snap, tone clipped and unkind.
seonghwa flusters, trying to apologise and look at your injury whilst simultaneously jerking backwards in confusion at your hostility. he stutters, âiây/n, are you okay? i didnât mean to surprise youââ
âno, thatâs not it,â you interrupt, blind to the stinging in your finger. âi mean your fucking questions, and not just from you. all of you.â you lash out at the other boys too who have now stood up and are varying distances from the kitchen. âevery single fucking day you ask me if iâm okay. can you please stop that?â
san slowly walks closer until he reaches the countertop that separates the both of you. ây/n,â he calls out to you sadly, your sudden anger uncharacteristic, âweâre just worried about you. we want to make sure that youâre okay.â
âi know you do,â you cry out with exasperation, heat starting to gather behind your eyes, âand iâm trying to be okay, alright? iâm trying for everybodyâs sake. but you make it so fucking hard when each and every single one of you keep asking me how iâm feeling as if you want me to fucking break down.â
âthatâs not what weâre trying to do,â hongjoong tries to reason with you, but you are unable to rationalise anything in the spur of the moment.
you desperately blink back tears. âiâve tried to pretend that everything is okayâpushed everything to the back of my mind so that i donât think about it and hope that it resolves itselfâŚbut itâs not working.â you take a shaky breath, lips quivering and voice quieting with every word, âiâm just one person at home and iâm just one person at work. i am so fucking tired all the time.â
âbut you arenât just one person. you can tell us and we can help you.â
you do not even register who says that, because your eyes blur with wetness and your voice increases with frustration, âno, i canât. when youâre tired, when youâre exhausted, you donât have the time or the energy to ask for help, much less to fight for yourself. you think i havenât thought about complaining to you guys and letting myself cry in your arms? or escalating whatever happens at work to the higher-ups? i know what i should do, but itâs all useless.
âwhen you are about to be caught in an avalanche and buried alive, do you remember to ignore your instincts and run horizontally instead of attempting to outrun it? do you remember to keep your mouth shut to stop yourself from choking on snow? or to use your arms and legs to create air pockets for yourself, or to spit and use its trajectory to work out which way is up and down after youâre disorientated? no, you fucking donât, because in the moment you can only focus on surviving. there is no time to do anything but that.â
your boyfriends are stunned into silence, not only by the bitter resentment that coats your loud voice and mars your face with furrowed eyebrows, but by the raw confession that tumbles out of your lips. they had known you were tired recently, just not the extent of it.
the tone of your words soften with exhaustion and heartache as you look them in the eyes one by one, âjust think about ourselvesâŚthings arenât the same between us anymore, donât try to deny it. we donât love each other like we used to. things have changed between us this yearâitâs just that nobody has brought it up.â the tears that have pooled around your eyes finally slip down your cheeks. âand you know why? itâs because weâre all just trying to survive now. we donât have the time or the luxury to do anything but survive.â
there is no thought that can be formulated in response to your words. seonghwa opens his mouth but then shuts it again because he knows you are right. it is ugly, but it is the truth.
having been in a relationship together for over four years now, not even including the turbulent years prior to becoming official when you were all navigating the hardships of medical school, your bonds are built upon the foundation of comfort and understanding. but what happens when that comfort turns into complacency, and understanding turns into indifference? what happens when time runs its course and wears down a relationship?
you avert your eyes downwards, the lines of the kitchen tiles blurry underneath your feet as your vision mists over, afraid to look at the sad gazes of your boyfriends any longer. there is a sudden thump of body colliding against the wall and a muffled curse that draws everybodyâs attention, including yours, towards the corridor. mingiâs head snaps upwards with guilty eyes from where he had been trying to slink his way in from the front door unnoticed before accidentally stubbing his toe.
your body makes a split-second decision with the diversion. you push past seonghwa in the kitchen, past san and yeosang at the countertop and mingi by the wall, and past the rest of your boyfriends just standing there, back into the safety of your bedroom. it is from years of muscle memory navigating the apartment that you do not walk head-first into anything despite your vulnerable state, although your boyfriends also step out of your way in stunned stupor.
fumbling for the edge of the door behind you with your hand the moment you walk past the threshold to your bedroom, you step backwards until you are able to push it closed. it shuts with a loud click and then finally, you are alone.
you slowly sink forward to the ground, legs useless as your hands reach out towards the floor to hold yourself up. the world around you continues to blur with wetness, a stinging heat behind your eyes and nose, yet the tears do not fall and you do not cry. your gaze remains unfocused on the spot right beside the leg of your bed, frozen in your own stupor of tangled thoughts and emotions.
time, fucking time. you despise that word with your entire soul. in this world, the ones who are truly rich are not those with endless wealth to spareâthe ones who are truly rich are those with endless time to spare.
when was the last time you drank freshly-brewed coffee at a cafe instead of guzzling down the grainy staleness of a rushed instant coffee that has not even been mixed properly? when was the last time you sat down for a knife-and-fork meal with warm food instead of popping a mint into your mouth to stave off your hunger pains for a little longer? when was the last time you went shopping for a pretty dress and a cute pair of matching heels instead of sniffing your scrubs at the end of a shift wondering whether you can postpone the laundry for one more day? when was the last time you used shampoo and conditioner when washing your hair instead of simply rinsing it under the water before your eyes closed on themselves?
they are such simple tasks of everyday life, yet they have now become unattainable luxuries in the face of insufficient time. you deliberately sacrifice the quality of your life to save a few extra minutes here, a few extra minutes there. but no matter how much time you are able to scrape out of thin air, it slips through the cracks of your fingers like fine sand and disappears amongst the people around you. even one spare minute, if you have any leftover after prioritising your patients, must be somehow split between the eight of your boyfriends.
you can save however much time you can, but it will never be enough. you are not enough.
the knotted twist of anxiety that has been distorting your insides for the past few weeks suddenly unravels with shattering clarity as your fears suddenly weigh you down with crushing exhaustion. you cannot even take care of yourself anymoreâhow can you take care of your boyfriends, much less eight of them? you want everything to just stop, but what exactly âeverythingâ entails, you have no idea.
there is a soft hand on your shoulder squeezing tenderly. it is warm, you idly think to yourself. they murmur, ây/n,â and only when they squeeze you again do you dazedly look up, blinking to clear your vision. mingiâs round eyes gaze at you and you find him kneeling beside your crumpled form on the floor of your bedroom. you have no energy to acknowledge him further than another blink and prolonged eye contact.
he stares at you for a few seconds, eyes full of words that he holds back, before simply asking, âhave you showered yet?â
you do not answer, but he had not questioned you with the intention of receiving an answer. he responds for you, âprobably, but i doubt you washed your hair. come,â his hand slowly travels down from your shoulder to your smaller hand, âtake a shower with me.â
mingiâs gaze does not waver despite the slight narrowing of your eyes that tells him you are tired and unamused. âi stink and i want your company,â he states. then he makes the decision for you and tugs you upwards with him. despite his strength, mingiâs hands are gentle as he holds you, leading you out of your bedroom and into the bathroom instead.
you stand there and let him guide your arms through your jumper so that he can take it off your head. he does the same with your shirt, your pants and with your undergarments, his touch intimate and loving not with sexual desires but with devoted care as if he is afraid you will crack under the slightest of pressures. his fingers leave a trail of goosebumps where they brush against your skin and your eyes close with the softest of sighs, letting yourself relax under your boyfriendâs careful movements.
the bathroom begins to steam up from the spray of hot water and mingi steps you into the shower with him. quietly, he wets your hair and lathers his shampoo into it, sturdy hands massaging the tension out of your scalp and the nape of your neck. you watch the concentration in his creased brows and the water that drips down from his chin falls between your chests. not once does he look at youâonly focuses on properly shampooing your hair.
it is only when mingi is rinsing your hair and you are no longer facing him do you pluck up the courage to speak delicately, âwhy arenât you asking me if iâm okay?â
he is silent for a few seconds and you feel the slight pause in his hands against your scalp before he continues to run his fingers through your hair. âdo you want me to ask?â
once again, you do not answer, but that is an answer in itself.
âplus,â mingi softly murmurs, hands leaving your hair, the click of a bottle cap opening resounding in the echo of the bathroom louder than his voice, âyouâll just say that youâre okayâŚeven though youâre not.â
then the touch of his fingers returns as he teases something cold into your hair from its roots to its ends. almost immediately, you choke up and your expression crumples, lips trembling downwards as your eyebrows furrow, because mingi is putting conditioner in your hair. it is embarrassing that this of all things is what finally marks your breakdown, but mingi does not comment when your shoulders shudder with shaky exhales nor when you fail to hold in a stuttering sob. he lets you cry out your sorrows, pain and fatigue and he simply continues to massage the conditioner into your hair.
mingi simply continues to love you in the way that you did not love yourself.
when your hair is rinsed, only then does he turn you around to face him. under the showerhead with only the comforting tranquility of water pattering against the tiles around the both of you, he softly tilts your chin upwards to capture your lips in a kiss. it is a slow but simple kiss, lips pressed against yours with a thousand utterances of comfort and reassurances dancing across them.
he gives you one kiss, then another, and another, each one sweeter than the previous despite the salty tracks that run down your cheeks. your hands find their way onto his chest and the steady beat of his heart thrums underneath your palm. mingi rests your foreheads together, your tears falling in solitude with the water and with the tears that fall from inside his heart.
finally, he asks, âis it work?â
you shake your head slightly. âi donât know.â
âis it us?â
the tears that had slowed down reappear with a strangled sob as you answer truthfully, your fears emerging at least, âi donât know.â
âthatâs okay, you donât have to know,â he whispers, âand you donât have to be okay.â he pulls away a little so that he can cradle your jaw with his hands and look into your eyes. âtake the day off tomorrow, y/n.â
you do nothing to stop the tears that continue spilling over the bottom of your eyes as you shakily answer, âi donât have time. my patients need me.â
âyou do have time,â mingi counters, thumbing your tears away. âyou just havenât been spending that time on yourself. even doctors get sick, you know.â
âiâm not sick,â you deny.
your boyfriend pulls you into his chest and encases you in a protective embrace. âphysically, maybe not. but your mental health is just as important, and sometimes the things that you canât see inflict more suffering than the things that you can see.â
it is something that you all know and understand, but when you are trapped in a workplace where the mentality revolves entirely around a medical model of physical health, the disparity in value you place between your physical and mental health becomes so deeply ingrained it is almost impossible to change.
âmingi, what ifâŚâ you trail off. your boyfriend nuzzles the top of your head with his chin before brushing his lips over the crown of your forehead in encouragement. you swallow thickly to continue, âwhat if i need time alone?â
mingi pulls away from you once more, slowly so as not to further upset your already-scattered emotions. he looks at you earnestly, considering your words and their meaningâwhether he is understanding your undertone correctly and whether this is a genuine request for respite or a spur-of-the-moment cry for reassurance. he watches your eyes flicker back and forth between his own.
âif thatâs what you need,â he finally whispers, wrapping you closer in his arms again, âthen iâll support you no matter what.â
he feels your small puff of surprise against his chest and it pierces through his heart like a sword. how he wishes that you would realise that he and any of your other boys would pluck all the stars in the universeâs galaxies if you were to ask for them. but instead, you are asking him in a small and timid voice, âyouâre not upset? the others wonât be upset?â
mingi chooses his next words carefully, aware that they could easily be misunderstood but also unwilling to treat you like a child where the world is only full of happy endings. not that you believe that anymore, anyway. âwe will be upset,â he gently breaks to you, âbut only at the situation that we're in because things have ended up like this before we could even really do anything for you. y/n, we will never be upset at you in this situation, much less upset at the decisions you choose to make. if time is what you need, then take however much time you need.â
you do not have the courage to lift up your head to meet his eyes, shame starting to creep through your veins because what if this decision is simply a decision to run away yet again? but then mingi senses your doubts and draws you in for another kiss. he captures your lips between his, pressing against you a little harder when you both start to run out of breath. he draws it out for longer until the kiss becomes dizzyingly and intoxicatingly blissful and fills your mind with thoughts of him and him only.
when you can finally inhale, the air swirls with a mix of his scent and the shampoo he had used. here, under the warm spray of water within the safe confines of the shower and mingi's arms, it may only be momentary but you are okay.
âcan you tell the boys for me?â you ask, voice barely louder than a whisper. âi don't think i can tell them myself.â
mingi nods and the corners of his lips rise bittersweetly. âof course.â
so for the first time in four years since moving in with your boys, on a night that snows lightly but unceasingly, you pack a small bag of clothes and essential belongingsâŚ
and move out.

âgood evening, doctor jeong from general surgery.â
the running joke between himself and the little girl in front never fails to draw a laugh of amusement out of yunho, who pretends to bow in formal greeting as he returns the acknowledgement, âgood evening, kim seolhee from the paediatric ward.â when she giggles, he comments, âyou look like youâre having a good day.â
seolhee grins and nods with excitement. not only does her expression look livelier, there is a slight healthy glow to her skin as well. âi was just telling doctor snowflake that theyâre letting me go home for christmas next week before my next round of treatments start.â
at her words, there is no way to avoid eye contact with your boyfriend as his gaze automatically flicks over to where you are sitting beside her bed. ever since you moved out a few days ago into a friendâs rented apartment with a spare couch, your encounters with your boyfriends around the hospital have beenâŚdifferent.
a shift in dynamics was always going to be inevitable because it wasâisâan action of request for space to think and just breathe, even though neither parties are truly mad or upset at one another. just as mingi had reassured you in the shower, it is simply the circumstances that have piled up and led to a consequence like so, and if you need time away from a contributing factor to sort your emotions out, there are absolutely no hard feelings. despite all this, your boyfriends cannot help but yearn to reach out and bring you back into their armsâto bring you back home.
yunhoâs eyes soften the moment they lay upon you and he savours the sight of you today, unsure of when he will next see you around the hospital. âthatâs so good to hear,â he says earnestly, âand iâm sure that news has made doctor snowflakeâs entire week.â
he smiles at you warmly and this time you find yourself mirroring his expression, awkwardness taking a backseat because you know he is genuinely happy for both seolhee and you. the level of fondness and love you have for seolhee has long blurred past the usual level of care you would show to a patient on your caseload. she has spent more christmasâ in hospital than out, so to be able to spend these holidays at home is the greatest gift seolhee could receive and the greatest gift you could witness.
your boyfriend lingers around for a little longer, pushing his visit as long as he can without it being obvious that he does not actually have a reason to stay. eventually he says, âi better get back to work. enjoy your christmas at home, seolhee.â
she nods happily and then he looks at you. âiâll see youââ yunho cuts himself off, holding back from finishing the sentence with âat homeâ. he corrects, âiâll see you around.â
âsee you,â you respond amiably, fingers fiddling with the hem of your scrubs as he walks out.
yunho only makes it a couple of steps away before he bumps into wooyoung making his evening rounds. they exchange brief conversation and you quickly avert your gaze when you see the taller of the two gesturing back into seolheeâs room. seolheeâs eyes dart between yours and the view outside her room before she points out, âitâs nurse woo!â
âreally?â you lie, pretending you had not noticed. yunho has already walked off by the time you look back, so only wooyoung is looking at you. he makes no move to come into seolheeâs room. instead, he gives you a little wave with a hopeful smile. a small exhale of fondness leaves you as you return his gesture through the roomâs window with a similar amount of restraint. however, it is enough to make your boyfriend break out into a beam, and then he goes running off.
seolhee is already staring at you when you turn to face her again. she raises an eyebrow. âare you and your boyfriends fighting?â she immediately asks.
her question makes you flinch with a sheepish smile, knowing that she would catch a whiff of it sooner or laterâjust not this fast. are you and your boys fighting? it is technically not a proper argument nor a proper break from the relationship, but there is the need to take a step back and rethink what certain things mean to youâto the boysâand what you want your life to look like.
you are not about to unload all of this onto the now seven-year-old girl with an âitâs complicatedâ as your answer, so you opt for a simple, âyeah, kind of.â
seolhee shrugs and comments casually, âmy parents used to fight all the time.â
you are reminded of her mother, mrs kim, who you have seen several times during visiting hours after that first meeting with her. you are also reminded of mr kim, her father who drops by whenever he can when he is not at work. they have been nothing but strong and supportive parents during seolheeâs battle with her cancer and you cannot reconcile that image of them with the image of constant arguing.
âwhat changed?â you probe curiously.
despite the smile on her face, the glimmer in seolheeâs eyes fade slightly. âi got diagnosed and then they realised that in the grand scheme of the universe, life is just too short not to spend every moment loving each other.â she turns to look outside the window on the other side of her bed. âwe learnt a lotâlove isnât just about expensive outings and fancy gestures and impressive words because there are a lot of things that i canât do that other normal kids and families canâŚwe learnt that love is all about the small things too and those small moments in life are the things we truly end up cherishing, especially during the tough times.
âmum helps me pick out the colour of my bandanna when i want to wear one, and dad helps me hold the bucket up when iâm feeling sick. i pretend to hide my parents behind the curtains to see if the nurses will let us have an extra five minutes past visiting hours, and they will always smile and give us ten. we donât always love each other the same way as other families do, but those are the things that weâll remember the most.â
you look out the window with seolhee as you listen to her words. the snow has fallen lightly the entire day and now under the streetlights, the growing layer of snow glows brightly amongst the dimness of the winter night. you think back to your boysâthe lack of dates and diminishing displays of love; how that had been one of the first indicators that something had changed in the relationship dynamics. then you also think back to those small gestures they had done for you; the silly notes, the coffees, the brief conversations, the meals, the break room hugs.
âitâs kind of like snow,â you murmur to neither yourself nor seolhee in particular. âyou donât notice it at first, and only when it starts to form a layer on the ground over time do you start to realise how much it has actually snowed.â
the moment those words leave your lips, you are suddenly reminded of how even those small gestures had gradually disappearedâhow that too played a part in the shift in your romantic relationships. your tone is wistful, âthen the snow melts and it's gone, just like that.â
seolhee looks back at you, considering your words thoughtfully. she hums for a moment before putting forward, âit melts, but does that change the fact that it snowed in the first place?â
the snowflakes continue to drift softly outside like butterfly wings. as beautiful as they are, there will come a time when they melt away, but the reality before your eyes right now is that they existâthey are there. it is snowing.
âno,â you reply, âit doesnât.â
âthen maybe it's up to us to remember that it snowed until it does snow again,â she smiles triumphantly, the innocence of her radiating beam so strikingly different to the clarifying wisdom she has suddenly dropped even if she does not know the true extent of the meaning her words hold to you. seolhee points at your name badge to drive her point home, âit's just like your badge. my sticker is gone now but that doesn't change the fact that it used to be there.â
your head flicks down immediately and you tilt your badge upwards so that you can get a good look it at. disappointment washes over you when you find that her words are true and her sticker is gone, so worn and loved that it has fallen off somewhere within the hospital. you have no idea when that occurred but it must have been today, because it was still there this morning when you touched it for comfort on your drive here. now, only the faint outline of its shape remains.
it should not hold as much sentimental value as it does, but the realisation that seolheeâs sticker is no longer with you makes you ask, like you the child and seolhee the adult, âcan i have another one?â
her voice takes a rare tone of complaint as she grumbles, âi lost the sticker book when i moved back to this ward.â
âthatâs a shameâ you remark, as genuinely upset as the little girl beside you.
she lets out an endearing little sigh, then pats the back of her hand with her own. âthatâs okay, you can look outside whenever you miss me. remember,â seolhee blinks at you earnestly, âi love you more than there are snowflakes falling outside.â
you place your other hand over hers with a hint of a challenging smile. âand if it stops snowing?â you ask, testing the seemingly boundless wisdom that is hidden inside of her.
seolhee beams, answer so clear and obvious. âthen count the stars in the sky.â

for the first time in his life, jongho is late.
his, sanâs and yeosangâs mornings had all started off a little rough after the latter had rushed past the open door to the bedroom the other two were sleeping in together, dressed in his scrubs and puffer jacket ready to leave, only to double take at the sight of them still in bed. they had been woken up by yeosangâs frantic question, âjongho? donât you have work today?â
san had groggily lifted his upper body off the bed as jongho jolted into a sitting position, trying to pull himself together. âwhat?â jonghoâs brain had remained foggy no matter how alert he appeared in panic. âwhat time is it? what day is it today?â
âitâs six thirty,â yeosang had responded, sanâs grunts of confirmation affirming the same. alarm had suddenly run through yeosang as doubt creeped into his own mind. âand itâs mondayâŚisnât it?â
âyeah,â san had confirmed again, voice thick with sleep.
jongho had been certain he did not have work. âi checked the whiteboard last night. my nameâs not down for a shift,â he had stated, only to break out into cold sweat immediately afterwards with realisation. you are the only one who goes to all the effort to note down everybodyâs shifts for the fortnight on the whiteboardâthe very same one that has not been changed since you moved out.
âoh, shit,â jongho had cursed. âi do have work.â
and so for the first time in his life, jongho is late. he knows he only has himself to blame for relying on somebody else for something as important as when he has to show up for work, but for years that is how it has been. not once have you ever made a mistake with the erasable calendar, always taking meticulous care to check that all the shifts for each day are correct because it is the easiest way to help you all keep track of where everybody is for the day.
nobody asks you to update the whiteboard. you just do.
hongjoong realises the same thing in the wake of jonghoâs rush to leave the house. he stands in front of the bathroom sink, his eyes half-closed as he brings his toothbrush up to his mouth, only to get a gross mouthful of plain bristles. it is still too early in the morning to swear so he sighs in resignation instead, ânot again.â
he pulls the head of the toothbrush back out of his mouth to squeeze a glob of toothpaste on top. it is the third morning in a row that he has done this, still unaccustomed to your absence in the house. on the mornings you leave for work earlier than himâwhich is most daysâyou have always pre-squeezed his toothpaste for him, simply because you know it takes a little longer for the cogs in his head to start turning in comparison to your other boys.
hongjoong does not ask you to squeeze his toothpaste for him. you just do.
it is second nature to you, just as it is to hang wooyoungâs keys on the jacket hook by the front door so that he does not upturn the entire house looking for them like he has been for the past fifteen minutes. seonghwa follows hot on the youngerâs heels flipping cushions back onto their spots on the couch, shifting trinkets on the kitchen counter back where they belong and closing all the cabinet doors that are swung open haphazardly.
âi never understand why you donât just put your keys back onto the same hook whenever you get home,â seonghwa exhales.
wooyoung pointedly chooses not to respond to that, instead firmly stating, âiâm telling you, they were on the couch just last night."
âand why would you put them on the couch in the first place?â
âthatâs besides the point,â the younger waves his words away carelessly, going back to the couch once more and sliding his hands along the cracks in case they slipped inside.
âhow does y/n always manage to find your keys,â seonghwa runs his fingers through his hair.
âi donât know,â wooyoung suddenly dampens, hands coming to a stop in the middle of the couch as he thinks of you knowing exactly where his keys are in the chaos of the house. âshe justâŚdoes.â
and there are a lot of other things that you just do. when mingi saunters into the kitchen after dinner, feeling peckish but not for something unhealthy considering it is already close to bedtime, he pokes his nose into the fridge as san washes the dishes. the latter glances over his shoulder.
âyou want me to cut you an apple later?â san offers.
mingi nods happily and requests, âwithout the skin?â
the older laughs, repeating his words, âwithout the skin.â
when mingi is handed a plate of neat apple slices ten minutes later, he finds himself subconsciously comparing them to the ones you will silently place into his hands after dinner before he even asks for them. sanâs slices are the same in appearanceâskinned and uniformâexcept he cuts them into thicker wedges than you do.
mingi takes a bite into one. the apple tastes sweet and tart across his tongue and yet he cannot help but think that the apples taste better when you cut them. whereas san cuts them into six slices, you cut them into nine; just something that you do.
later that night, yunho is again the last one to arrive home after his surgeries run overtime, save for seonghwa and yeosang on night shift. it is pitch black when he enters, bumping not only into the shoe cabinet but also an untucked dining chair as he fumbles his way in with his hands outstretched.
the night light that is usually plugged into the wall of the living room is not on to greet him in the dark hours past midnight today. the light was something you had insisted he buy, absolutely not because the design of the glowing mushroom cap was cute, but because you did not want anybodyâread yunhoâtripping flat onto their face coming home from a late shift. you are always the one to turn it on if you know one of them will be late, but this time there is no lightâŚbecause there is no you.
yunho does not ask you to turn the light on for him. you just do. nobody asks you to do any of those small things for them, yet you just do, because that is your way of showing you see, your way of showing you care, and your way of showing you love.
a wave of longing washes over yunho, the sands of his heart already long damp from the moment you moved out. how he wishes he could just walk into your room right now and shelter your peacefully-sleeping form from the shadows of the night with a tender kiss, just like he used to.
but he cannot, not anymore, and he regrets more than anything not doing it while he could.

nurse yejin, the head of the paediatric emergency department, is just about to greet you as you walk up to the nursing station when she takes all but one look at you and points out, âyouâre looking like shit this morning.â
from anybody else, that statement would have been insulting despite it being the truth. but nurse yejin has always been frank and blunt, not one to beat around the bush with the intent of getting to the root of problems as efficiently and effectively as possible. âhead nurse thingsâ, she had told you early on in your rotation.
you let out a laugh in response, although it probably looks like a grimace more than anything. âwoke up on the wrong side of the bed,â you joke.
it is only true to a certain extent since you have not been sleeping on a bed but on a couch for the past six days, now counting seven. but ever since you moved out, you have woken up every morning feeling out of routine, standing in the middle of the unfamiliar living room disorientated and wondering whether you usually brush your teeth before changing into your scrubs or after, and whether you usually grab your socks before you pack your bag or right before you leave for work. you do not realise how mentally ingrained into your system your morning routine is, down to the number of steps your feet can take on autopilot and the exact placement of the items your hands can grab without looking, until your environment changes entirely.
the drive to the hospital is also different. it is only ten minutes longer than your usual commute and the streets all look similar under the covering of snow, yet it still throws you off, setting the tone as such for the remainder of the day.
this morning had been no exceptionâarguably worseâwhen you realised with frustration that you had no more clean scrubs to change into. you had forgotten to run a load of laundry the day before, leaving you with no choice but to borrow your friendâs clothes that were presentable enough for you to wear to work until you could change into a set of the hospitalâs spare scrubs.
forgetting to do your laundry is no rare occurrence but it has never been an issue. how many times had you opened your wardrobe, uncertain whether you would find a set of wearable scrubs, only to be surprised by an ironed and neatly-hung set waiting for you? it has never been an issue until now, as realisation dawns upon you that one of your boyfriends has always looked out for you by ensuring you always had clean scrubs for work.
âyou better snap out of it quick then, doctor l/n,â nurse yejin advises, words pulling you back to the present. âwe have a thirteen-year-old male arriving in a few minutes with a first-time generalised tonic-clonic seizure. episode lasted for six minutes, now postictal but stable.â
your mind immediately shifts, focus zeroing in on the length of the seizure as the head nurse continues to provide you a handover of the paramedicâs call. you instruct, ânotify the fellow or resident currently on call in paediatric neurology. tell them to be ready for immediate assessment.â
nurse yejin nods and reaches for the phone as you walk off briskly to prepare for the patientâs arrival. from behind, she watches you with a slight smirk of pride because there you are; fire lit up in your eyes once again. only, it is nowhere near as intense as it used to be.
for fire, too, has a life of its own. it is able to burn and burn and burn, engulfing whatever it can within its vicinity in order to keep itself alive and bright. but even the strongest of fires will eventually burn out into nothing but a wither of smoke if it does receive enough fuel to keep it sustained, whether sourced by itself or provided by those around it.
âyouâre not eating?â your intern asks you, hours later.
you turn your head slightly towards her to show she has your attention, but you keep your eyes glued to the screen as you rapidly type up the notes for the seizure patient from this morning. âyou go have lunch first,â you respond distractedly, not having realised it was already past one thirty. âiâll eat in a bit.â
only, when it comes to three oâclock, a wrench having been thrown into the works by a sudden code blue, you realise you do not have a lunch to eat. âfuck,â you curse at yourself, hands digging into your bag once more in hopes of finding a stray protein bar. you knew you should have thrown in a couple of them last night while it was on your mind.
just like your scrubs, your lunch has never been an issue for you until now. once more, realisation is forced upon you as you wonder why not; san has always had an uncanny sixth sense that somehow alerts him each time you forget to stuff your lunchbox into your bag so that he can do it in your stead. on the days you forget and he leaves earlier than you, hongjoong is there to take it to work, personally finding you on the wards to deliver it to you.
sometimes, your lunch will be packed in a different container. when wooyoung makes a heavily-spiced or greasier dish, he portions some to cook with less chilli or seasoning specifically for you to take to work the next day because he knows your stomach is sensitive, especially when you are stressed or fatigued. today though, you have no choice but to grab something from the cafeteria.
even the instant coffee you quickly brew for yourself tastes particularly unpalatable and sand-like, a tricky feat considering how rock-bottom the standard already is. jongho has always somehow managed to make it taste bearable if he does not have time to order freshly-brewed coffee from the cafe. you think that maybe it is because he takes the extra minute that you do not to properly pre-dissolve the powder in some boiling water before diluting the coffee with the rest of the water. and jongho does do that, except the reality is that it tastes better simply because he is making it for you.
you find your mind incessantly churning as your day continues in a similar mannerâsudden awareness of all the different ways your boyfriends have been looking out for you. it shadows you from the hospital back to your friendâs apartment, which is pitch black when you get back after your shift. your friend had texted you earlier that she would be out drinking with friends and unlikely to return before the morning, so when you unlock the door, you are greeted by nothing but deafening silence and apocalyptic stillness.
using the display of your lockscreen to illuminate a path, you toe off your shoes and sluggishly trudge into the living room. you have never come home to complete blackness beforeâone of your boyfriends, usually yunho, has always made sure to keep a night light on for you. but this time, the lonely gloom of your friendâs apartment beckons to you in a way that is hauntingly comforting. so instead of turning its lights on, you sit down heavily on the couch in the darkness.
the night seems colder than usual.
you lean back onto the cushions of the couch and stare blankly at the ceiling above. the display on your phone dims before turning off from idleness. as if your body takes it as a cue to do the same, you close your eyes and slowly exhale, muscles deflating into the couch as the silence spreads over your body like the gradual creep of water freezing.
just what exactly are you doing? what is it that you need?
did you simply need an opportunity to just be yourself, away from those who you felt the need to always be a perfectly happy and positive y/n around? or did you need space to reconsider the state of your relationship with the boys? maybe it was never even about the relationships in the first place, but that you had no way of isolating yourself from work so you chose the next best option to cut yourself off from.
perhaps, you really just wanted to continue running away and hiding from a greater problem that you do not want to acknowledge.
a wetness builds up behind your eyelids, confused and overwhelmed by the fact itself that you still cannot make sense of your emotions. maybe it is because there is no one answer but that all of them are answers, because no matter what you try to do or where you try to run, you cannot seem to rid the bone-deep exhaustion that continues to crush and constrict your soul.
however, there is one thing you are certain of after today. having spent so many days away from the boys and your normal routine, only now do you realise just how many subtle routines there are that intertwine you all together. some you only notice because of the change it has brought upon this week; others long known because they ceased to occur.
but seolheeâs words resonate within you. yes, some of those routines had disappeared, but like the snow, it does not change the fact that they existed in the first place. the commonality that all of the routines shareâwhether it be those you had previously been so hung up about dwindling or those you are only just becoming conscious ofâis that they are all routines of love.
and like the golden warmth of the sun during the frigid bitterness of winter, you do not learn to truly appreciate something until it becomes absent from your life.

sometimes, you wonder what the end of the world will be like.
you wonder how it happens; whether it would be instantaneous, one second everybody going about their everyday life then the next second everything gone, peopleâs last moments still in blissful ignorance as to what has become of them and the world; or whether it would be gradual, an agonisingly slow and painful wait as inevitable doom creeps closer, no better than mercifully taking your own life.
you wonder what you would feel; fear for what will be or resignation for what is to be? regret for what had been or grief for what will not be? you wonder how you would realise, where you would be the moment it happens, who would come to mind first, why the world would be ending.
you have wondered so much and yet, you would have never expected to experience a part of your world ending through a phone call, your ringtone jarring and eerie in the late hours past midnight, jolting you awake on an unfamiliar couch to the sight of an equally unfamiliar ceiling. it takes you a few seconds to process the sound, disoriented from having accidentally fallen asleep still in your scrubs with no recollection of the last few hours.
by the time your fingers fumble across your phone, it has already stopped ringing. squinting, you turn the screen on. there are fresh notifications at the top of your screen showing two missed calls, but before you can process who they are from, the silent living room is disturbed by the piercing sound of your ringtone once again.
it is only seonghwa who is calling but an unsettling shift in the air abruptly makes the hair along your skin rise. something is wrong. you pick up.
â...hwa?â
âhey, love,â your boyfriend responds carefully. âwhereâare you at your friendâs place right now?â
you sit up on the couch and adjust the phone closer towards your ear with both hands. âyeahâŚi am.â
you can hear seonghwa take a shaky exhale before answering, âi think you might want to come to the hospital.â
blood rushes to your ears and your breath hitches. âwhy?â you whisper out, voice barely audible as your clutch on your phone tightens.
he does not answer you immediately. it is not until you choke out your question once more, voice urgent and desperate, that he breaks. seonghwa's tone is solemn, hesitance to speak louder than a waterfall, and never would you have thought that it would only take something as simple as his next two words for you to experience what feels like the end of the world.
âitâs seolhee.â
the room spins around from under your feet. you suddenly find yourself blindly groping the surface of the kitchen countertop, having stumbled your way across the dark living room. the phone call has endedâyou cannot recall whether you hung up on seonghwa or whether he hung up on you, or whether it is actually still ongoing, his concerned shouts of your name simply falling upon deaf ears.
your breathing becomes increasingly shallow but you do not start crying. your expression remains stonily frozen as you frantically feel and search the countertop with your hands, uncaring of the ruckus and mess you are making. you are looking for something. what are you looking for? you need something. you need to bring something, but what? keys. you need to bring your keys. you need keys. you need your car keys. car keys, so you can drive to the hospital. you need to drive to the hospital because seolhee is there. you need to get to the hospital and you need to drive and you need your keys, where are your keys? you need your keys.
something cold brushes against the side of your pinky and immediately you snatch it up. you rush to the front door, toeing on the first thing that feels like a pair of shoes, then yank the door open before they are properly on your feet. you have no time. your leg jitters and your finger repeatedly jabs the elevator button as you watch the display numbers of the floor slowly move upwards towards yours. please, you beg to whichever higher entity is willing to listen to you, please, i have no time.
the moment the doors start to crack open, you force your way into the elevator. the doors cannot close fast enough and you pace in restless circles in the enclosed space while it takes you down to the underground carpark. your feet have already exited the threshold of the elevator before the doors even fully open again and your frantic steps reverberate loudly in the echo of the parking lot as you sprint for your car.
ây/n!â
you almost miss the yell of your name in your distraught, but your steps falter at the last moment, slowing down only slightly to turn in the direction of the sound. there is no time to question what you see. mingi is there, rapidly closing the distance between the two of you.
he stands in front of you within seconds and his chest heaves with effort and adrenaline. you feel your face crumpling as you instinctively and automatically reach out for him. mingi catches your hands, letting you squeeze his own in panic even if your nails dig into his skin.
âmingi, seonghwaâseolhee, sheâthe hospitalââ
âi know,â mingi nods quickly, gently shushing your unintelligible blabber, âi know. letâs get you to the hospital.â
he envelops your hand in his and tugs you along behind him towards his car. you want to urge him to run, but he maintains a steady pace until he can pull the car door open and guide you into the seat. mingi can feel your anxiety rolling off in waves as he rounds the front of the car to the driverâs seat and he knows how desperate you are for him to hurry up and floor the pedal, but he also knows that feeding into your panic with his own will only make things worse.
mingi drives as fast as he can without speeding too dangerously, although he cuts it close with a few red lights. the two of you sit in loud silence the entire ride. your boyfriend glances over at you every now and then, brows furrowed with concern, but you remain motionless with your eyes fixed to the road in front despite the erratic rhythm of your heartbeat.
ây/nââ your boyfriend cuts himself off upon arriving at the hospital, where you tumble out of the car the moment it jerks to a stop. he is not quick enough to grab you as he puts the car into park and he fumbles to undo his own seatbelt whilst you are already weaving your way towards the sliding doors to the elevator.
you run. never before in your life have you ever run with such sheer desperation. one after the other, the soles of your shoes strike against the ceramic tiles of the lobby before they become thuds against the vinyl flooring of the wards.
the past month, you have walked this exact path almost every single day; you have seen stretchers being rushed in, and parents and family members forcibly pulled away from the side of their loved ones to make way for immediate medical assistance from doctors like you. but today, you are on the other sideâyou are the one rushing into the paediatric ED dishevelled and crazed, uncaring of how you look to the rest of the world.
âseolhee,â you mutter to yourself, pace slowing to an unsteady stumble as you twist and turn to find her familiar smile. âseolhee, where are you?â
nurse yejin spots you and rushes up to grasp you by the elbow. âdoctor l/n,â she urges with wide eyes, âshe came in as a code blue. she's in the resus bay but sheââ
your blood runs cold and the rest of nurse yejin's words become a muffled fuzz in your ear along with the surrounding clamour of the ED, replaced instead by a high-pitched ringing that reverberates throughout your entire skull. gaze unfocused, you sway as your feet slowly pivot in the direction of the resus bay. nurse yejinâs outstretched hand falls to her side and she watches you helplessly, your shoes shuffling with contradictory urgency and hesitancy towards the sliding glass doors.
around you, the commotion of the ward blurs away, your vision narrowing into a pinprick tunnel the closer you get. seonghwa tries to reach for you when you pass by him and some of your colleagues near the doors, but you continue shambling forward as if you are possessed, mind and body completely blind to his presence and touch. you do not stop until you reach the doors. slowly, you bring your hands up to rest on the cool surface as you press yourself closer and look inside.
itâs a code blue, you think to yourself in a state of trance and stupored confusion at the scene that unfolds before your eyes, but why is nobody resuscitating seolhee? why is nobody helping her? why isnât anybody doing anything?
âseolhee,â you whisper vaguely, right hand weakly hitting the glass. then again, you call out her name, this time with more urgency. âseolhee.â
you hit the glass once more, then a third time but harder yet. âseolhee!â you shout, both hands now fisted and pounding against the glass in distress. âseolhee! somebody save her!â
hands start to pull you back but you do not register any of them nor are they strong enough to draw you away from the doors. the anguished cries of your name are left unheard, but despite the wildness of your crazed desperation, your mind vaguely registers the few words that somehow manage to break through. the sounds are warped and distorted as if you are continuously being thrust underwater then hauled upwards over and over again, but it is enough for you to piece them together.
âcardiac arrestâŚmulti-organ failureââ ââterminal lucidityââ ââtime of deathââ
your body nearly topples over as you freeze under the resistance of those around you, jostling around limply in the crowd of limbs. all of a sudden, you are wrenched out of the water and your chest convulses trying to gasp for air. the noise of the ED and the shouts around you flood back into your ears like a tsunami, except it comes from every direction imaginable with force that has multiplied infinitely and pulverises your entire soul.
you cannot stay here any longer. you run.
you run wherever your feet take you and you do not stop, even when your lungs and your legs begin to sear at the same intensity as the inferno that currently incinerates your heart. lurching up stairs after stairs after stairs, you run and run and run until you burst through the doors to the rooftop of the hospital where your chest takes in a heaving inhale. the piercing temperature of the air leaves your system shocked and breathless and you stumble over to the ground.
there is nothing to break your fall in every sense, so there, on your hands and knees at your absolute lowest in the stinging cold of the hospital rooftop, you finally shatter into smithereens. it starts off as a tremble of your lips and a quiver of your chin, a choked stutter of breath as your eyebrows crumple and your eyes blink back the growing heat behind them. but then a small cry of pain leaves you and you lean back heavily onto your feet before your hands fist the material of your scrubs. your skin turns white as you clench and rock yourself back and forth, breathing erratic and sobs increasing in volume until they are long, soulful wails.
your entire body convulses uncontrollably with each gut-wrenching cry that leaves you. the world around you blurs away from the tears that fall down your face and your head pounds with lightheadedness. you hit your chest with an agonised fist, again and again, harder and harder, because you would rather feel any physical pain than the shattering crevice in your heart.
you are suddenly jostled by a strong pair of arms wrapping around your upper body. they tuck you firmly into their chest, a hand wrapping around your wrist to stop you from hurting yourself any further and the other pressing your head against the warmth of their neck.
they shush you repetitively with soothing rocks back and forth. as they comfort you, their own voice cracks from their constricted throat, âiâve got you, y/n. just cry.â only then do you hazily register it as seonghwaâs voice. seonghwa, who was just as close to seolhee as you, understands the pain that is breaking you apart and is here to hold you through it.
you cannot rid the image of seolheeâs last smile out of your headâher excitement to go home for christmas, her cheery confession of how much she loves you. you fist the front of seonghwaâs scrubs and weep, âit hurts, seonghwa. why does it hurt so much?â
he rests his cheek against the top of your head, his own tears falling freely and dripping down to join yours on the snowy floor in bittersweet harmony. as doctors and nurses, grieving for patients is a luxury that cannot be afforded for every single life that is lost. grief is a weakness in the medical field because you cannot look backâyou can only look forward and do your best to make sure there are no more lives that are lost.
but you forget that grief is not a weakness as a person, and you are human first and foremost before you are doctors and nurses. sometimes, it becomes a necessity to grieve before you can keep moving forward.
âi know, love,â seonghwa brushes his hand over your hair as he tries to keep his voice from breaking. âgrief is the price you pay for loving somebody.â
because unfortunately, life comes with transactions and between two people, there will always be one person who must pay the price of love.
you close your eyes, gritting your teeth when your face crumples again and a fresh bout of sobs escapes through your lips. seonghwa presses his lips to the crown of your forehead, resting them there while you shake in his arms. eventually, he murmurs into your hair, âyou want to know what seolheeâs mother told me once?â
your answer is in the form of more anguished cries but you hang onto every word that comes out of your boyfriendâs mouth like they are your lifeline. the corners of seonghwaâs lips tug upwards with mournful nostalgia as he tells you, âsheâs always wanted to thank you for loving her daughter as if she is your ownâŚso itâs okayâitâs normal for you to hurt so badly, because you love seolhee and the more you love somebody, the greater the price you pay.â
seonghwaâs unconscious choice of phrasingâthat you love her, not that you loved herâsimultaneously cradles and crushes your heart. it is an exact reflection of the last conversation you had with seolhee. snow may melt, but it does not change the fact that snowflakes flutter down from the sky. seolhee may be gone, but it does not change the fact that you love and remember her.
âseolheeâs last wish was fulfilled,â seonghwa softly murmurs, pulling out his phone from his pocket to turn the screen on. the light hurts your sensitive eyes when you try to make out the display through your fuzzy vision and you can just barely make out what looks to be the time on his lockscreen. he explains, âitâs four thirty amâŚthat makes it christmas already. not only was she able to spend some time at home with her family again, but now she gets to spend the rest of her christmas back where she came fromââ
your boyfriend pulls away slightly and tilts your head up tenderly with his fingers. you see him properly for the first time tonight. his eyes are just as red and swollen as yours are, cheeks wet and glistening despite the small smile he gives you when you finally look at him. he finishes, ââthe sky, with all the other beautiful angels just like her.â
you slowly follow his gaze upwards. once more, a wounded cry breaks free at the sight that greets you. it no longer snows, the thin blanket of snowflakes covering the ground and the rooftop the only traces left and already steadily melting away. but that is not what makes you sob even harder.
the skies above you are filled with an endless expanse of stars, shining and gleaming no matter where your eyes look. there are thousands upon millions of stars, too many to begin counting even if you were to stand on the rooftop for numerous lifetimes.
the heavens cried in the form of the first snow when seolhee was born, for they lost her to the world. but tonight they rejoice, for their precious angel has returned soaring through the starry skies. and even amidst her joy of freedomâfrom the shackles of pain and sufferingâseolhee remembers to tell you that she loves you more than you can fathom.
more than you can count the stars in the sky.

you jolt awake confused and disorientated for the second day in a row. only, this time it is not a jerk-induced reaction to your ringtone but a sudden thrust into consciousness by the feeling that you have overslept.
shit, what time is it? i have work.
the rising flood of panic in your chest is immediately quelled when you spot a scrap of paper on your bedside table, handwriting printed neatly in the centre.
hongjoong took sick leave for you today. donât worry about work and go back to sleep after you take the painkillers.
that is when you register the fucking terrible headache you are sporting and you let out an involuntary groan as you press a hand to your temple. your other hand grabs the two tablets and you down them with the glass of water beside the paper.
groggily, you pat the mattress around you in search of your phone to look at the time. apart from the dim glow of your bedside lamp, the curtains to your left are drawn shut in your room, making it impossible to discern whether it is the morning, afternoon or night. the numbers blink back at you when you turn the screen on and you find that you have slept past lunchtime. confusion swirls inside of you with an unusual mix of something else. taking the day off work is not the only thing that is off.
wait.
your head jerks to the left, then to the right, then down at your beddingâthe blue-grey colour familiar and soft to the touch. you are in your roomâyour room room, back at your place with the boys. you turn your phone on again and check the date. it is christmas.
and then it hits you.
it is still christmas. it is still the same day as what now feels like a vivid fever dream. you can only recall bits and pieces, so hazy and yet so evocative at the same time. it is like trying to make sense of an optical illusion; it disappears when you think about it too directly, but the moment you take your mind off it even slightly, it is right there in your peripheral vision, begging for your attention.
you remember being woken up by seonghwaâs phone call and your desperation to get to the hospital. you remember mingi driving you there and then sprinting towards the ED. you remember breaking down on the hospitalâs rooftop after finding out that seolhee hadâŚ
your fingers pinch the inside of your left wrist to stop yourself from finishing the memory. with an unsteady exhale, all tension is lost from your body and you fall back to slump against the headboard. grief starts to take over you once more, vice tightening its grasp around your heart but simultaneously leaving a cavernous hollowness and numbness in your chest.
that is how wooyoung finds you an hour later, still staring blankly at the bedroom wall across from you and swimming in muddy water. he had only tentatively knocked twice on your door before entering, half-expecting you to still be asleep and making a soft noise of surprise when he finds that you are not. in the back of your mind, you vaguely feel a twinge of guilt at not having the energy to do something as simple as greet him as he sits carefully on the edge of your bed.
but wooyoung is a persistent soul and an even more persistent lover. he has learnt from experience that sometimes, asking anything but what he truly wants to ask is what you actually need. wooyoung catches himself from gazing sadly at you, putting on a small smile instead as he lays a hand over your thigh. his touch is warm through the blanket.
âshould i bring in some food for you? thereâs dumpling soup,â he tells you. âor do you want to go to the living room? we can put on a movie.â
it is hard to find the words to answer himâhard to even hum or nod or shake your head in response. your fingers twitch slightly in the direction of wooyoungâs hand still on your thigh and he immediately moves it to place over yours. the rhythmic touch of his thumb brushing back and forth over your skin is soothing.
âwe donât have to talk. we can just sit for a bit,â he offers.
the room settles into silence for a while as he gives you time to decide. finally, you ask, voice quiet, âwhoâs home?â
wooyoung wriggles a little closer with restrained excitement at your response. âall of us are.â when you blink at him in reaction, he understands your question immediately because none of you can remember the last time the nine of you had a day off together, much less on a christmas. he explains, âwe all took whatever personal leave we could.â
âthe hospital let?â you frown slightly, the tone of disbelief the most amount of emotion you have shown so far.
wooyoung mirrors the minute increase in animation with cheek in his vague shrug, âthey canât afford to fire any of us. plusâŚi think weâve all realised that some things are more important than work.â
you are more important than work; âusâ is more important than work.
something tugs at your heartstrings and you sit up a little straighter. looking at wooyoung, a slight spark of resolve lighting up in your eyes, you slowly suggest, âcan weâŚhave a talk?â
he is taken aback with pleasant surprise as he answers, âof course we can. we donât have to do it today though.â
âno,â you shake your head, âletâs talk now.â
while we still can. before it becomes too late. plus, who knows when the next time all of you are together like this will be.
so you follow wooyoung out of your bed and then out of your room, his fingers intertwined between yours as he walks the both of you into the living room. it is a lie to say that it is not awkward seeing everybodyâs heads turn towards you in simultaneity and your knee-jerk response is to dismiss their poorly-concealed concern with a wave of your hand and an, âiâm fineâ. but you think you have had enough of thatâenough of pretending and enough of pushing them away.
yunho opens his arms from his seat on the couch, eyes hopeful. you push away any second thoughts and bury yourself against him. your boyfriend pulls you right into his chest whilst tucking your legs off the ground over his thighs and he murmurs against your temple, âyou sleep okay?â
you nod into his neck as jongho asks, âdid you take the painkillers?â and seonghwa questions, âdo you want dumplings?â
a small puff of amusement comes out of your chest because just mere weeks ago, perhaps even one, questions like these would have fanned an inexplicable inferno inside of you. now, it all seems so long ago, but it does not change the fact that you are apologetic about itâapologetic about a lot of things.
âi took them, thanks jongho. and maybe later, hwa,â you respond softly. âcome sit?â
the boys heed to your words immediately and the oldest of your boyfriends crosses the living room in three large strides to take your other side on the couch, the rest of them settling on the adjacent couch or on the floor. the shared warmth from being sandwiched between seonghwa and yunho immediately envelops you in comfort and safety and your body relaxes into the shape of theirs.
you do not know where to start, much less what you even want to say to the boys now that you are here with them. there are masses of things to unpack and each one seems like such a colossal mountain to climb. some you do not know the route up, others you know the route up but not the way back down, and the rest you cannot even see the mountaintop. so you choose to start easy: at the very bottom of the trail where it is safe.
âi miss having clean scrubs,â you blurt out, âand i miss the lunches that wooyoung cooks and the coffees that jongho makes.â
from beside you, yunhoâs body rumbles with low laughter at your unexpected conversation starter and he glances down at you fondly. his voice is soothing in your ear as he says, âwe miss seeing your night light greet us whenever we come home.â
âand the changes you make on our whiteboard calendar,â yeosang adds.
âwe struggled to remember our shifts without you keeping track of them,â jongho divulges sheepishly.
yeosang tattles with a giggle, âhe was late for work for the first time.â
âyeah,â you smile, âi heard.â
jongho huffs out before quipping, âat least i still knew how to squeeze my own toothpaste and find my own car keys.â
both hongjoong and wooyoung curse indignantly at the uncalled-for betrayal of the youngest as he pointedly ignores them and continues, âsome of us have realised we have non-existent survival skills without you.â
âoh, speak for yourself,â san nudges him endearingly.
but you are more than grateful for the lightening of the mood because you do not think you would have the courage to otherwise abruptly apologise, âiâm sorry that i took so many things for granted.â
âwhat? no,â san counters, the first of many others to parrot the same thing. âweâre sorry about that too. when you moved out, we also realised just how many things you do for us without our appreciation. you raised a valid concern because our relationship with one another is something we have all become too complacent about.â
yunho squeezes you a little tighter with the arm he has around your shoulders. he muses, âitâs easy for a long-term relationship to become less âexcitingâ, but we forget that part of the reason is because we simply become so attuned to one anotherâs likes and dislikes, preferences and habits that it becomes our own second nature to do those things naturally. it isnât that we love each other less, itâs just that we become so used to the way we love and are loved that we stop noticing it.â
your mind drifts slightly to a sweet, little girl with a bright smile, telling you that relationships are not always about the grand gestures, but rather the small things. she always did know better than you.
âin saying that though,â hongjoong brings up, âas important as it is for us to start appreciating all of those things again, i think itâs just as important for us to put in the conscious effort to go out of our way to have quality time and conversations with one another, like going on dates.â
wooyoung cackles, âthatâs a bit rich coming from you, mister sorry-i-forgot-about-our-date,â and a snort comes out of you despite yourself.
the older flips him off. on both hands.
now occupied with his handsy insults, seonghwa takes over the conversation instead, âno relationship is perfect. they all need mutual effort to maintain and it definitely wonât be easy, especially since so many of you are nearing the end of your residency. itâll be a busy few months preparing for the board exam and thereâll be plenty of hurdles to jump over in the future too, but things will work out because weâve got each otherâs backs now.â
the boys all smile affectionately at one another and at you. seonghwa presses a loving kiss against your temple and you bathe in the brief feeling of everything being okay before you remind yourself that it still is not. âon that note,â you start cautiously, âi owe you all another apology.â
you catch the gaze of mingiâs soft expression from opposite you, who gives you a small nod and a minute smile of encouragement. with an exhale, you admit, âthe way i handled everythingânot just moving out but everything leading up to thatâi know you were all trying to look out for me and i shouldnât have pushed you all away the way that i did. i justâeverything was so overwhelming and confusing and tiring, and i wanted to work things out by myself because all of you had enough things to deal with, and iâŚâ
once more, you are unsure of what you want to communicate. you are sick of not knowing and not understanding and your eyes start to water with frustration.
at your sentence trailing off, mingi finally speaks up, âlife isnât meant to be smooth sailing, y/n. yes, theyâre your feelings, but that doesnât mean that they have to make sense to you.â
and it is as if that is the validation you have needed all along, because the vice around your chest finally loosens its grip. you can breathe again and the rush of oxygen into your lungs without a heavy weight crushing you inwards is liberating.
âas healthcare workers, we become accustomed to seeing other people in the most painful moments of their lives.â mingi gently shrugs his shoulders, âwe become accustomed to invalidating our own feelings. it doesnât matter if weâre having a bad day; there will always be somebody else having the worst day of their lives. but we forget that pain is not relativeâjust because somebody else is hurting âmoreâ, it doesnât make our own hurt hurt less.
âand yeah, work is always going to be shitty and weâre always going to run ourselves ragged chasing after time, and then coming home from work to eight of us is going to be tiring too,â he chuckles softly. âbut y/nâŚi think part of the reason why itâs been so hard for you is because you never let yourself have time for yourself. you never let yourself be tired or be hurt.â
you swallow your objectionsâthe voice inside of you that says you shouldnât and the voice that says you canâtâbecause you know mingi is right. you just needed to hear that you should and that you can.
he continues, âwe all need quiet time away from other people and thatâs okay. we spend all day showing our patients, their families and our colleagues the best side of ourselves, which means that a lot of the times we only have theâŚâ mingi scratches the side of his head as he finds a way to express his thoughts without saying âthe ugly sideâ, because that is far from what it is. âwe only have the side of ourselves that we do not like as much because it isnât what we view as âperfectâ. but it simply holds our realest emotionsâfatigue, stress, worry, frustration, impatience. it is not just you who has that sideâwe all do and we understand better than anybody how guilty it can feel when that is the only side that is left by the time we get home.â
there is a brief pause in the conversation as he lets the words sink in. around you, heads and gazes lower alike to the floor because that guilt is something that resounds with everybody in the room. you continue to look at mingi, though, unable to avert your eyes as his solace finally stirs the cathartic release of tears flowing freely from your heart to your eyes.
âlike i said, itâs okay to take time away from us; in your room or out with your friends or somewhere else. but at the same time, i want you to know that it doesnât make us love you any less if you donât come home happy. you donât love us any less when weâre unable to leave our baggage at work, because you have the same struggles. in fact, you are often the first to offer to share the load.
âas doctors and nurses, we have signed up for a lifetime of baggage and sacrifice. and that is exactly why it is that much more important for you to know that home is your safe space.â mingi gazes at you with all the earnesty in his heart. âwe are your safe space where you can share your baggage. we might not be able to take it off you, but we sure as hell can curse or laugh or cry together over it, and sometimes, just that is already enough to help you keep carrying its weight over whatever mountain you are facing.â
from beside mingi, san watches you with a clenching heart. in an ideal world, san would rather you have no baggage at all and he be your only mountainâthe one who shields you from the harsh elements of the world and is your unwavering presence from sunrise till sunset and yet again till the following sunrise. he sees the way you finally lower your head and let months of repressed tears fall in front of them, soft sobs in yunho and seonghwaâs comforting arms and the rest of your boyfriends within reach.
but san knows your tears are no longer ones of pain or fatigue, so for now, that is enough. he scooches closer across the floor until he is at your feet, peering up at you from between the strands of hair that have fallen in front of your face. tenderly, he asks, ây/n, will you move back in with us?â
a warm hand brushes over your cheeks. it could be san, it could be seonghwa, it could be yunho or it could be any of them. but it does not really matter. what matters is this: in order to love others, you must first love yourselfâ
âyeah,â you slowly nod, âi will.â
âand part of loving yourself is letting others love you. there is no place like home, much less a place like where your boys are. snow melts, but it will always fall again. without fail.
as your boyfriends all shuffle closer and envelop you in the middle of an embrace that is long overdue, loving warmth dizzying to the touch, outside the windows the first snowflake of many others flutters its graceful path down from the sky. soon, snow will cover the streets as far as the eye can see.

nobody talks about how ironic it feels to work in the hospital during the holidays, particularly christmas.
in any other establishment that is open, be it a restaurant, cafe, retail store or convenience mart, employees are greeted kindly with festive cheerâwarm wishes and sincere smiles from one stranger to another. but nobody walks into the hospital on christmas with laughter and gratitude for the assistance of the doctors and nurses, because nobody wants to be at the hospital.
nobody plans to spend the day there, either.
but that is exactly why it is ironic. the hospital is a symbol of misery, the white colour of its interior the embodiment of sterility and detachment all year roundâall except for a few days. on christmas eve, christmas itself and perhaps even the rest of the week leading up to the new year, the corridors are adorned with never-ending lengths of glittering tinsel, the wards are filled with the low hum of christmas carols on a looping playlist, and the staff all wear silly scrubs with rudolph faces and dancing santas on them.
there is an underlying hum of excitement and festive cheer that overrides the usual despondency of the hospital as everybody pretends it does not exist, even if just for a few days. the electric buzz thrums not just in the air at work but outside of work too, filling households with a hustle and bustle of livelinessâyours included.
âhongjoong!â you yell as you knock on the bathroom door, âweâre leaving in a few minutes!â
you press yourself flat against the door as yunho races past you with several pairs of socks in both hands despite the ones he already has on his own feet. he skids to a wobbly stop and shuffles backwards two steps to plant a sloppy kiss on your cheek.
âgross,â you laugh, pretending to wipe it off your face, but yunho is already skedaddling off again back towards his destination of the living room, on a mission to deliver the socks to your other boyfriends.
ever since you, yunho, yeosang and san all passed the board exam and became fully licensed doctors like hongjoong, your shifts have been significantly more consistent. it is much easier for you and your boyfriends to drive to work together in fewer cars, making the mornings before work significantly more chaotic. your wake-up times and subsequent bathroom usage is no longer as staggered as it was with different start times and several more night shifts, but it is a good chaoticâa bright and lively chaotic.
hongjoong yells back at you, âmy hair gel isnât hair gel-ing!â and you nearly topple onto him when he suddenly pulls the bathroom door open.
his hair is swept up neatly away from his forehead and there is not a single strand that is out of place. you chuckle and tell him as such, âyour hair looks perfect, joong,â but you know his nerves are due to something completely different. you cup his jaw and gently pull him towards you for a kiss before you encourage, âyouâll do great today. you already presented at the korean neurological association earlier this yearâwhatâs a seminar to the hospital staff in comparison?â
your boyfriend groans, âi know these people though. theyâre all my colleagues.â
âand all of these colleagues will be wearing their ugly christmas sweaters or have stupid antler headbands with glowing lights on top of their heads. trust me, youâll do amazing,â you reassure, pressing another chaste kiss against his lips to quieten his worries.
ây/n! hongjoong!â yeosang hollers.
âcoming!â
you pull hongjoong out of the bathroom with you hand in hand, only letting go when you both fumble to catch the socks that yunho chucks through the air in your directions. within the next few minutes, there are playful elbows, harmless shoves and childish curses as you all cram yourselves in the corridor to put on your shoes and walk out the door to the car.
as you squish into the backseat with hongjoong and yeosang, yunho in the driverâs seat and san beside him, the latter wonders what you should all do after work. by some christmas miracle, neither you nor any of your boys have been scheduled for a night shift today, which means that if there are no hiccups at work, the nine of you will be able to spend christmas together once more.
you like to think that your guardian angel is still looking out for you, even an entire year later.
âshould we try to make a reservation for a nice restaurant?â san suggests. âor should we stay up and watch a movie together?â
hongjoong proposes, âi have a friend who works at a pretty decent french restaurant if we want to go there.â
voicing your opinion without prefacing it with an apology is still something you are working on, but you have gotten much better at communicating over the year. you pipe up, âiâd prefer to stay at home tonight, but the movie sounds like a good idea. maybe we can go to your friendâs restaurant for new yearâs?â
âyeah, i donât really fancy going out tonight either,â yeosang agrees. âbut new yearâs, definitely.â
san nods enthusiastically. âiâll let the rest of the boys know,â he says, then sends a question for movie recommendations for tonight into the group chat.
it is not long after that yunho pulls into the hospitalâs car park where you all pile out and wait obediently by a nearby pillar as he backs the car into a particularly tight space. when he has turned the ignition off and carefully squeezed himself out without slamming the door into the car beside him, it is his turn to wait obediently as you all thank him with a quick hug or peck on the cheek.
you grasp the collar of his coat and pull him down to give him a teasing kiss on the forehead but he tiptoes instead to make it harder for you. in retaliation, you quickly jab his side and he immediately keels over enough for you to plant a triumphant kiss on his face. the boys chuckle around you, yunho pretending to nurse his wounds as he stumbles after all of you into the elevator.
the doors close and he straightens to offhandedly comment, âyou guys thank me for driving every single time.â
yeosang shoots back with the same nonchalance, âbecause weâre thankful every single time.â
yunho claps his hand over his mouth and looks at the younger out of the corner of his eyes, but it is clear that he is hiding a bashful grin behind his fingers. the expression is not lost to any of you, your displays of gratefulness always done with the intention of making one another feel appreciated for even the smallest of things, because you have all learnt that a simple thank you goes a long way.
âsee you all after work,â hongjoong says, stepping out into the lobby with the rest of you following him to let those waiting for the elevator get in.
just as you all turn to walk off your separate ways to your respective departments, he calls out as an afterthought, uncaring of the people around, âmerry christmas, babes!â
you reciprocate his words with a laugh, a tinkling, cheery sound that makes san reach out for your hand and intertwine your fingers together to pull you in for a quick kiss of endearment. âchoi san!â you giggle, slapping him lightly and looking around to see if anybody noticed.
if there is one thing that has changed the most over the year, it is how daring your boyfriends have become with public displays of affection. but, just as wooyoung has made it a point to remind you all of his newfound motto, what is the hospital going to do? fire all nine of you?
highly unlikely.
âalright, babes,â san tugs you along teasingly, âletâs get to work.â pinkies intertwined and swinging gently between your bodies, the two of you walk towards the same department, letting go only at the last moment to lead your morning rounds.
there is a running joke that it does not matter if you end up having enough children to make an entire soccer team because almost half of you are now fully licensed to work with children; you and san as doctors, seonghwa and wooyoung as nurses. there is no need to worry about ageing either, not when the other five are each in charge of their own specialties too.
you and your boys do not work at a hospitalâyou and your boys are the hospital. and it certainly feels that way when there is almost always at least one of them watching over you, regardless of wherever you are in the paediatric department.
it is later that day as you are attending to a three-week-old baby in the NICU when a second-year resident walks up to you, addressing you carelessly. immediately, you feel wooyoungâs ears perk up and watchful eyes zero in on the offending resident as the both of you recognise the younger.
âgood to see youâve stuck with paediatrics, doctor lim,â you greet neutrally. it is anything but good to see him still in the medical program at all, but you digress.
your past intern ignores your comment, confidence through the roof not only because he has somebody backing him up but because he is now a second-year resident. he shortly says, âdoctor nam wants you taking over the shift for the NICU attending tonight.â
the department head has more or so left you alone for the last few months, but you guess he suddenly felt a christmas urge to scratch an itch that never existed in the first place. your expression remains impartial as you ask, âfor what reason?â
dr. lim is unable to hide the brief flash of surprise across his face, not having expected you to put up a fight. he quickly scowls, âdo as youâre told.â
you will not, in fact, âdo as youâre toldâ, not when dr. nam is blatantly abusing his power to assign you a shift without a proper justification or noticeâand through dr. lim at that too. you sure hope wooyoung can hear you as you respond sarcastically, âtell doctor nam to notify me of this change in schedule through an email from the chief resident. iâm sure heâs familiar with the proper procedure that iâm referring to.â
âiâll make sure to tell him,â dr. lim scorns and you snort as he retreats.
âmerry fuckinâ christmas to you,â you mutter at his back. you hope he slips on ice on his way home tonight.
you jump in surprise when you turn around and find wooyoung right there, an absolutely shit-eating grin plastered all over his face. he cackles as he quotes, ââmerry fuckinâ christmas to you.â the boys are going to love it when i tell them what just happened.â
the shove you give him only serves to make him laugh even harder but you cannot deny that a sense of pride rushes through your body. force doctor nam to leave written evidence that can be used against him, jongho had advised you to do one day, and you feel a surge in confidence that this might actually work.
wooyoung certainly thinks that it will, gathering himself enough to give you an attractive smirk as he leans closer to whisper into your ear, âthatâs our girl.â pleasant shivers run down your spine at his deep voice and it leaves you on cloud nine long after he stalks off absolutely preening at the response he has elicited from you.
you do not hear from dr. lim or dr. nam again nor do you receive an email regarding the extra shift tonight, so you begin to safely assume that the request is no moreâthat is, until the end of your shift when you are in the team workroom finishing off a referral letter.
âdoctor y/n,â dr. bang grabs your attention from the table opposite you with a cryptic tone of amusement. âi think youâre wanted.â
you blink at the slight smugness on her face with confusion until she beckons her head behind you in the direction of the office door. you glance back, suddenly expecting dr. nam to be standing there fuming and ready to give you a harsh reprimand for your snarky response. except it is not him.
of all people, you did not expect it to be mingi, pressed up against the little window that looks through the door into the room. but then you realise he is not the only one peeping inâthere is another pair of mischievous eyes in the corner of the window that you recognise as yunhoâs, and another face pressed up against the large window along the wall, and ohâ
they are all gathered around the workroom peering in with varying expressions of cheekiness as they enthusiastically wave at you. it is hard to tell whether you are the monkey in the zoo or if they are the monkeys staring out through their enclosure. you guffaw, half in embarrassment and half in exasperated fondness, then scramble to save your work and log off for the night before your boyfriends garner even more attention than they already have.
with unrestrained eagerness, your boys drag you off after exchanging rushed but warm wishes of âmerry christmasâs with your and sanâs colleagues. seonghwa pivots around from where he has been walking at the front of the group, âshould we walk home today?â
âin the snow?â
he nods excitedly, so obviously the youngest in his family despite being the oldest in your relationship. âwe can finally experience a hallmark christmas.â
âwhat about our cars?â yunho asks, although he is not at all opposed to the idea.
seonghwa suggests, âhow about you and i drive the cars home and then weâll start walking back here. we can meet up along the way and walk the rest home together.â
the two of them share a look for a few seconds before they immediately take off in unison in the direction of the lifts to the car park, yunho hollering over his shoulder, âwalk slowly!â within seconds, they disappear from sight around a corner and the rest of you blink at the fast exchange that has just occurred.
âfuck it, we ball,â wooyoung grins, earning himself a scandalised look from hongjoong as a reminder he is still in the hospital. âcome on, gramps,â he snickers, then loops an arm around the olderâs shoulders and starts to drag him towards the main entrance, the rest of you falling into step beside them as he devises, âletâs think about how we can attack the two with snowballs once they get back.â
only, he really should have known who he was going to be up against.
you and your boyfriends are about halfway home, cutting through a small field of what is now covered in a decent layer of fresh snow, when a snowball suddenly whizzes past your face and explodes against the side of wooyoungâs head in a detonation of white crumbs. he whirls around with a shriek absolutely ready to risk it all in the name of your dared treachery, only to see yeosang getting pummelled in a similar fashion and then jongho following victim immediately after.
âsnowball fight!â comes seonghwa and yunhoâs combined battlecries from thin air before a hail of pre-made snowballs is unleashed upon your group.
hongjoongâs screams fill the air until he is abruptly cut off by a mouthful of snow and wooyoung runs around like a headless chicken as three snowballs hit their mark in quick succession. you laugh loudly, running to hide behind jongho who has escaped several feet away from the danger zone. san, too, starts to retreat a distance, but only to shovel snowballs together without the risk of anybody stepping on them.
a shower of residual snow sprinkles over you as yunho switches targets and pitches his snowballs in your direction. however, you rapidly realise his eyes are only fixated on jongho. your shield now a danger hazard, you make a split decision and run as fast as you can through the snow towards your tallest boyfriend. call yourself fickle or whatever, you are simply a survivor.
âtraitor!â mingi yells out and points a finger at you. ây/n has switched sides!â
the boys echo with a roar, âtraitor!â and you squeal with adrenalised glee as you leap the final stride towards yunho, who stretches out a hand to pull you behind him. seonghwa immediately rushes to defend you both, throwing snowball after snowball with scary precision and strength. you can only hear the solid thump of snow hitting against thick clothing and the splutters of indignation as a result of the eldestâs lobs because your eyes are closed from how hard you are now laughing.
with equally-as-scary unity, hongjoong and your five youngest boyfriends charge in simultaneity towards you and yunho. neither of you have time to brace yourselves before you are tackled into the snow, limbs tangling together as seonghwa also jumps on top.
you cannot tell who is who, but you can tell exactly whose laugh is whoseâeach one so distinct and playing out as different melodies in your ears. your own laughter is radiant and effervescent and the sound makes every one of your boys break out into a joyous smile. yunho starts to push the othersâ weights off of himself and you, and they begin to roll off the pile into the snow around you.
one by one they join you on their backs, your bodies leaving the memory of your merriness deep in the white softness of the ground. you are all a little breathless; from the physical exertion and adrenaline of the childlike fight, from the windedness of being tackled into a dog-pile, from the chill slowly seeping in through your clothes from the snow, from the soul-stirring view of the night sky above.
you all lay there in silence, hush broken only by the scattered puffs of visible air as you catch your breaths under the whispering snowfall.
it is amazing how much can change in one year. you still fatigue from juggling your time, down to the last second. you still burn out from the sacrifices you make as a doctor, no matter your years of experience. you still grieve over the loss of seolhee, particularly on this day. but you are finally at peace with yourself, with your life and with the love you deserve, and you realise that you are also breathless from the overwhelming feeling of how lucky, content and happy you are.
in a burst of gratification and fulfillment, you are unable to stay silent. you confess, heartfelt words that you keep close to your soul every day, âi love you more than there are snowflakes falling right now.â
your boys turn to look at you, gazes softening impossibly at the tranquil smile that adorns your face. seonghwa feels a heat gathering behind his eyes, knowing better than any of them the weight behind your confession.
he prompts, softly, tenderly, âand if it stops snowing?â
you smile wider, because you have been taught the answer by a forever-seven-year-old-girl who received all the bad things in the world yet chose to only see the good; who taught you not to focus on what has melted away, but rather what you remember; who taught you that the purest reflection of love is something that is hard to see but will always be looking over you.
and so if it stops snowing?
âthen count the stars in the sky.â

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A RANT
I saw this the other day and I feel the need to say my piece on this because 1) a lot of the people Diamond has hurt have no disappeared off Tumblr because of the way she and her friends made them feel and 2) some people just wonât speak up because of the way they were treated. I, however, am not doing to just let this slide because it happens here quite often, some people will degrade people on here and then act like theyâre a victim and have done nothing wrong.
So @minkilicious / @minkilicious-replies / @minkilicious-personal letâs really break this down.

I'm not one for drama but, no, this is not okay. NONE of this was okay. You cannot use mental health to excuse what you did and before you try to dispute any claims there are screenshots and omissions from other people so don't even go there with me.
Let's start with the lies you told about my friend and I because YOU said YOU didn't care about the hundreds of thousands of people dying everyday in Palestine. You got angry at us for being upset with you THEN lied about us and said we were bullying you. Not to mention because of those lies (because you dragged it on and made up so much stuff way after it was over) we lost good friends.
You, not long after, got on the case of both admins of the net we used to be in together about you needing to be this important person in the net with a role. What happens after you get that role? You start bullying the admins into doing stuff. Those admins then get stressed, partly because of you, and the net shuts down.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO? You take a bunch of friends those admins made and start spinning LIES about SO MANY PEOPLE, ALL OF YOU DO. You turn people on them who they trusted as friends and confidantes. You all then make your own net, which is fine, but you're posting smut in there and letting minors see it around the time people presume you're a minor (and with all the lies you told, don't think I don't know for a second, I'm still in belief you're a minor, I'm just not mentioning them out of respect for the people that told me them). Odd!
What comes next? The red list. The list you made with multiple people on that you wanted blacklisted from this community. You said I push people around that's why I was on it but by default you should have been on it then. You said a really sweet writer beenbaanbuun wrote nasty smut about ATEEZ and dehumanised them but your good friend Jae wasn't on there and you tried to convince people it wasn't you and your group. There were pages and pages of nasty things about people on there THAT YOU WROTE DOWN. YOU PUT SOMEONE ON THERE FOR HAVING CONSENSUAL SEX! (Which is something only a minor would do by the way.) You wanna talk about having a hard time? That stupid list knocked so many people's confidence. People came for you for that and what do you do? Disappear. Also you made sure someone else took the fall for that which is nasty because if you were really grown you'd own up to it.
"I was in a very emotional and dark place." Is no excuse for how you treated so many people without as much as an apology after, instead you blocked them because you're a coward.
"I needed to take a step back for my own well-being." No, no you didn't. What you did do was decide since people no longer liked you you'd lie for sympathy and once more people didn't like you what you did you do? You ran. What you did was ruin so many other people's well-being and that was a hill you're still obviously willing to die on.
"I apologise for how I left things." You're not sorry, you're just upset people aren't stupid and knew it was you. If you really were sorry you'd message everyone you hurt, you'd go to everyone we were in a net with and you'd go through everyone on your list.
"I truly appreciate your patience and understanding at this time." No, Diamond, no one has extended that courtesy to you because you did not treat people with that same manner and if they have it's because you've lied through your teeth to made yourself innocent.
At the end of the day, stop lying and stop running.
You're apparently old enough to know right from wrong and yet you don't. You have instead hurt so many people around you. Your followers don't deserve an apology you should instead be apologising to the people you hurt and pushed away. If you're going to speak on a situation you caused and apologise for it do it properly. You're an adult.
One small paragraph will NEVER clear this up until you can recognise fully what you did, the impact it had on people and apologise without some bullshit excuse.
- Rina, the girl you lied about for months and kept up with your bullshit. <3
(The reason why I havenât mentioned the rest of your little gang by name is because Iâm not gonna poke a dead bear but youâre still acting like you did nothing wrong.)
So, Diamond, if you get to the bottom of this and think youâre still not wrong and feel the need to defend yourself donât bother because I wonât listen. If you read all this and actually recognise youâre wrong then go through your little list and get to actually fixing it because a small paragraph isnât gonna do like 40+ people any good. And, girl, DPMO I know youâve seen this.
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đď¸ wip tag game! đď¸
Make a new post with the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Tag as many people as you have WIPs. People send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, then post a little snippet or tell them something about it!
Thank you for the tag @everyonewooeverywhere! This was really fun to make đ¤

WIP list
Seonghwa
Secret pregnancy + Idol AU
Cherry Cola (spin off from Cold Hands, Warm Heart)
Hongjoong
A Love Written in Gold (Bridgerton AU, chapter 2).
Sweater Weather (Spin off from Cold Hands, Warm Heart)
Mingi
Cold Hands, Warm Heart (Hockey & Figure Skating AU, chapter 5)
Pirate AU oneshot (request)
San
Wolf Children inspired oneshot
Space exploration oneshot (request)

Some of these are more planned out (and written) than others, but I can't wait to share them with you đ Will they be out in 2025? Or 2026? Perhaps 2027? Stay and find out lmaooo
Tagging: @bvidzsoo @ennysbookstore @seongwars @yunniverse @yizhou-time @outlawinthisworld1117 @solaris-amethyst @desirehorizon @hwaslayer @kitten4sannie
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every time i see people love and recommend love, maybe i feel the need to do a backflip omg
recommendations Ë・âŕ¨ŕ§Ë
a list of some of my favourite fics that are worth reading that will be added to as i read
fluff đ angst đ§ horror đą smut ⨠my personal favourites ŕ¨ŕ§
   Ⳡ navigation âŚÂ my masterlist âŚÂ requests

â§Ëââ˘ââââŕ¨ŕ§âââââ˘â§âËâš ateez members
beggers by @milkandhwaney pairing all members x reader genre â¨
break up by @rmview pairing all members x reader genre đ§
ŕ¨ŕ§ cockwarming by @nateezfics pairing all members x reader genre â¨
kisses by @rmview pairing all members x reader genre đ
ŕ¨ŕ§ love is an uncharted path by @jensthwa pairing all members x reader , separate stories genre đ đ§ â¨
make up sex by @nateezfics pairing all members x reader genre đ§ â¨
ŕ¨ŕ§ 7 minutes of compensation by @k-hotchoisan pairing seonghwa x reader x yunho genre â¨
ŕ¨ŕ§ django by @last-words-ofashootingstar pairing san x reader x wooyoung genre đ§ â¨
for the love of the game by @kitten4sannie pairing yunho x reader x wooyoung genre â¨
good morning by @323cutie pairing seonghwa/san/wooyoung x reader genre â¨
king of the ring by @holybibly pairing seonghwa x reader x san genre â¨
ŕ¨ŕ§ knockout by @igbylicious pairing san x reader x wooyoung genre â¨
on this snowy morning by @atzloverr pairing seonghwa x reader x yunho genre đ â¨
sharing is caring by @byuntrash101 pairing hongjoong x reader x mingi genre â¨
sweetener by @frenchkisstheabyss pairing san x reader x wooyoung genre đ â¨
â§Ëââ˘ââââŕ¨ŕ§âââââ˘â§âËâš park seonghwa
ŕ¨ŕ§ 00:53 by @kwanisms pairing seonghwa x reader genre â¨
6:14 by @sxcret-garden pairing seonghwa x reader genre â¨
afternoon delight by @haihoneys pairing seonghwa x reader genre đ â¨
after hours by @cyberseong pairing seonghwa x reader genre â¨
cookies and cream by @yuyusboyfriend pairing seonghwa x reader genre â¨
greedy little darlin by @skteezcursed pairing seonghwa x reader genre â¨
incessant by @ennysbookstore pairing seonghwa x reader genre â¨
lose your breath by @bombuni pairing seonghwa x reader genre â¨
love, maybe by @yizhou-time pairing seonghwa x reader genre đ
love tattoo by @atzloverr pairing seonghwa x reader genre â¨
ŕ¨ŕ§ make me water by @bangtanintotheroom pairing seonghwa x reader genre đ â¨
ŕ¨ŕ§ open wide by @hausofwoo pairing seonghwa x reader genre đ§ â¨
relief by @sthwaaberry pairing seonghwa x reader genre â¨
right here by @starberryhwa pairing seonghwa x reader genre đ â¨
ŕ¨ŕ§ tidal wave by @woolysium pairing seonghwa x reader genre â¨
tied up by @ateezscupid pairing seonghwa x reader genre â¨
ŕ¨ŕ§ under the mistletoe by @linearities pairing seonghwa x reader genre â¨
ŕ¨ŕ§ wallflower by @tenelkadjowrites pairing seonghwa x reader genre đ đ§ â¨
ŕ¨ŕ§ you're the one that i want by @ateezmakemeweep pairing seonghwa x reader genre đ đ§ â¨
â§Ëââ˘ââââŕ¨ŕ§âââââ˘â§âËâš kim hongjoong
late night worship by @hwallazia pairing hongjoong x reader genre â¨
â§Ëââ˘ââââŕ¨ŕ§âââââ˘â§âËâš jung yunho
a gaming distraction by @domm1etae pairing yunho x reader genre â¨
dinner and dessert by @hongjoongtime117 pairing yunho x reader genre â¨
hoodie strings by @everyonewooeverywhere pairing yunho x reader genre đ
ŕ¨ŕ§ locked door by @loserlvrss pairing yunho x reader genre â¨
rough by @woozinhos pairing yunho x reader genre đ â¨
taste by @holyjongs pairing yunho x reader genre đ â¨
â§Ëââ˘ââââŕ¨ŕ§âââââ˘â§âËâš kang yeosang
bath time by @moonhoures pairing yeosang x reader genre đ â¨
pull me closer when the night is over by @323cutie pairing yeosang x reader genre đ
make it bouncy by @shinestarism pairing yeosang x reader genre â¨
roomies by @ateezscupid pairing yeosang x reader genre â¨
â§Ëââ˘ââââŕ¨ŕ§âââââ˘â§âËâš choi san
a smile from me to you by @yourlocaljonghoe pairing san x reader genre đ
cupboard door by @beenbaanbuun pairing san x reader genre đ â¨
cuteness clad in silk by @xa3r1s pairing san x reader genre đ â¨
drunk in love by @luckymingi pairing san x reader genre đ
drunk sex by @ateezscupid pairing san x reader genre â¨
hidden messages by @koyagifs pairing san x reader genre đ
ŕ¨ŕ§ late night deal by @323cutie pairing san x reader genre â¨
ŕ¨ŕ§ obsessed by @hwallazia pairing san x reader genre â¨
ŕ¨ŕ§ sleepy adoration by @solaris-amethyst pairing san x reader genre đ
the right kind of medicine by @mikrokosmoslove pairing san x reader genre đ â¨
virtues and dices by @outlawinthisworld1117 pairing san x reader genre đ â¨
â§Ëââ˘ââââŕ¨ŕ§âââââ˘â§âËâš song mingi
backseat serenade by @k-hotchoisan pairing mingi x reader genre â¨
ceo by @ateezscupid pairing mingi x reader genre â¨
sacrifices by @lustfuldevils pairing mingi x reader genre â¨
save a horse, ride your best friend by @seonghwaddict pairing mingi x reader genre đ â¨
whiny and desperate by @innieslut pairing mingi x reader genre â¨
â§Ëââ˘ââââŕ¨ŕ§âââââ˘â§âËâš jung wooyoung
ŕ¨ŕ§ after hours by @hwaslayer pairing wooyoung x reader genre đ â¨
blistering heat by @wwooyology pairing wooyoung x reader genre đ đ§ â¨
challenge accepted by @mikrokosmoslove pairing wooyoung x reader genre â¨
ŕ¨ŕ§ chihiro by @hwallazia pairing wooyoung x reader genre đ§
ŕ¨ŕ§ freak on a friday by @thisthatpinkvenom pairing wooyoung x reader genre â¨
ŕ¨ŕ§ i still hate you by @starskq pairing wooyoung x reader genre đ§ â¨
more than pretend by @luckymingi pairing wooyoung x reader genre đ
no control by @0097linersb pairing wooyoung x reader genre â¨
step by step by @atinyslittleworld pairing wooyoung x reader genre đ
sweet, sweet dreams by @teeskzagain pairing wooyoung x reader genre đ
ŕ¨ŕ§ right here by @0097linersb pairing wooyoung x reader genre đ â¨
xmas dinner goes wrong by @hwallazia pairing wooyoung x reader genre â¨
â§Ëââ˘ââââŕ¨ŕ§âââââ˘â§âËâš choi jongho
chained by @sunshineyuyu pairing jongho x reader genre đ â¨
rider by @ateezscupid pairing jongho x reader genre â¨

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Tagging me when you know how many I have just sat there is criminal MinaâŚâŚâŚ.. /jk

đď¸ wip tag game! đď¸
Make a new post with the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Tag as many people as you have WIPs. People send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, then post a little snippet or tell them something about it!
Thank you for the tag @everyonewooeverywhere! This was really fun to make đ¤

WIP list
Seonghwa
Secret pregnancy + Idol AU
Cherry Cola (spin off from Cold Hands, Warm Heart)
Hongjoong
A Love Written in Gold (Bridgerton AU, chapter 2).
Sweater Weather (Spin off from Cold Hands, Warm Heart)
Mingi
Cold Hands, Warm Heart (Hockey & Figure Skating AU, chapter 5)
Pirate AU oneshot (request)
San
Wolf Children inspired oneshot
Space exploration oneshot (request)

Some of these are more planned out (and written) than others, but I can't wait to share them with you đ Will they be out in 2025? Or 2026? Perhaps 2027? Stay and find out lmaooo
Tagging: @bvidzsoo @ennysbookstore @seongwars @yunniverse @yizhou-time @outlawinthisworld1117 @solaris-amethyst @desirehorizon @hwaslayer @kitten4sannie
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HOLY SHIT HELLO đŤđŤđŤđŤđŤđŤ
Acceptance Notice

Welcome to Illusion!
We would like to welcome in our ranks:
@rmview @snghw4 @yizhou-time @umwaitwhatwhy / @lovetaroandtaemin
Please remember to follow the Network and have it linked somewhere on your blog.
ăAFTER ACCEPTANCEă
⢠Like and Reblog Acceptance Post
⢠Wait for the Admin to invite you to the Netserver.
⢠Use the tag #illusionnet on your works
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Step into the Illusion

- Join Us! - APPLICATIONS OPEN!
- Rules and Requirements
- Members
- Affiliates
- Acceptance Post going out on January 12th!
Welcome in the waters of Illusion! Our crew is very excited to have you join the ship and have you as a part of us...
ăNavigate our Shipă
#member: - hongjoong, seonghwa, yunho, yeosang, san, mingi, wooyoung, jongho, ot8
#genre: - fluff, romance, angst, action, smut, adventure, fantasy, horror, crime, AUs
#wordcount: - <1k , 1-5k, 5-10k, 10-15k, 15k+
#rating: - sfw, pg-13, nc-17, mdni
#type: - oneshot, twoshot, series, smau, drabble, timestamp, headcanon
#author: "blogname"
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this really has done numbers, way more than im used to as well so thank you so much like everyone!! i thought at a push maybe iâd get 100 notes but 400+ is absolutely insane! seeing people like this has been a real motivation for me to write more so thank you omg đŤśđŤś
LOVE, MAYBE
MASTERLIST | WC: 1.5K | RELEASE DATE: 29/11/2024
IDOL!SEONGHWA X FEM!READER
Synopsis: Just two friends in love who let their feelings be known in the first snow of the year.
Genre: Fluff, friends to lovers.
Rinaâs notes: Song's to set the mood because I listened to them when I wrote this: Really Like You - Baby Monster, Love, Maybe - Baby Monster, Try Again - Jaehyun, d.ear, Fearnot (Between you, me and the lamppost) - LE SSERAFIM, love you twice - Huh Yunjin
âJust be careful, just because itâs snowy doesnât mean itâs not icy!â Seonghwa watches you from behind with a small smile while you walk ahead. He stands still under his umbrella while youâre crouched down in the snow, smiling when you pick it up.
The cold nips at your fingers when you dig into the snow. You pick up as much as you can fit in your hands and make a ball, you continue this process seven more times, making them vary in size as you do so. Lining them up next to each other you giggle. Your fingers are wet and cold and completely red but itâs worth it when you look back and see Seonghwa smiling back at you.
The snow falling only makes him prettier, his umbrella up to prevent him getting covered in the snow while your hair and coat are dotted with snow. It reminds you of when you went to see the cherry blossoms fall together, his umbrella up while youâre steps ahead taking in the beauty of it all (Seonghwa was busy watching you, much like now), and you smile at the memory. That day had solidified your feelings for him even more when he stood in front of you picking out the petals from your hair one by one while telling you that although you looked pretty the petals were making a mess.Â
He ends up crouched next to you looking at the snowballs, âItâs you!â You point at the end. âAnd thereâs Hongjoong.â You point at the smallest snowball and he laughs. After that everything fades out, he turns to you and you look so happy explaining how each one of them are his bandmates and all he can think about is how considerate of them you really are all jokes aside, how quickly theyâve taken to you.Â
Seonghwa continues to watch you as you make a joke about them being snowballs and their song being called âIce On My Teethâ but when he doesnât laugh you turn to him quietly. âSeonghwa?â His trance is broken but his smile never fades. âWhat do you think?â
âI think itâs missing something.â You frown but he simply passes you the umbrella and reaches for the snowball you had dubbed as him, he takes it and puts it in front of the line. Just as you go to speak he picks up some snow and makes a much smaller snowball and places it next to his so theyâre just touching. âThere we go. You and me.â
Your face goes red as you stare down at the snowballs. Shyly you look down before lightly bumping your shoulder into him and thus knocking him over. The pair of you laugh, you at him and him in shock. âThatâs not fair!â Seonghwa complains as you stand up. He half expects you to help him but instead you stand up and turn your back to him. You dip your head down and fan your face, you place your cold hand on your cheek to try and calm the burn but nothing works.
Seonghwa stands up next to you and brushes himself off, still laughing. âThat wasnât fair!â He whines.
âShouldâve been more careful.â You laugh along with him.
The laughter dies down and eventually youâre both left staring ahead on the street smiling. Slowly you lower the umbrella and close it, now both of you are out in the snow. Seonghwa takes it from you quietly and ties it shut. The pair of you take small, hesitant steps forward as you can see the intersection where you have to split up. Both of you walk forward with not much left to say. It feels quite intimate, especially since youâre so close with your arms touching.Â
He can feel the back of your hand brush against his ever so slightly and it makes his heart burst. Slowly he moves in to lock your pinky fingers, standard practice for both of you when itâs crowded except the street is empty besides a few people on the other side. This point goes unaddressed by both of you, youâre as shy as each other. You silently kick some of the snow in front of you causing Seonghwa to laugh at your childish antics. Heâs sure tomorrow his cheeks will hurt from how much he has been smiling today but he canât help it, he wants to lock this feeling up in a bottle and keep it forever if he canât have you for that long.
As you reach the lamppost on the corner of the intersection Seonghwa moves to hold your hand. You turn to him silently and he thinks you look perfect in this lighting. He thinks you look perfect anyway but itâs moments like these small intimate ones that make him realise why he fell so hard because even in the cold, in the snow, you make him feel warm and fuzzy inside and all he can do is hope he makes you feel the same way. You look down at your locked hands and watch as his thumb strokes your hand.Â
You can see the building his dorm is in from where youâre both standing to your right (youâre also both sure you can see San and Mingi outside in their coats playing in the snow) and you can see the way back to your apartment straight ahead. You look at both of your options and feel Seonghwa tug at your hand, turning your attention and body to him in the process.
âItâs quite cold.â He says ever so quietly.
You nod at him. âItâs snowing Seonghwa.â
âItâs the first snow of the year. Four years as friends and itâs our first time doing this together.â He sounds somewhat guilty for calling you friends but he takes a small step forward. âWe should do this tomorrow too, if it snows.â
You reach up and push back some of his snow covered hair and nod in agreement. âIâll see you tomorrow?â Just as you let go of his hand his grip tightens, not enough to hurt you, he never would, but enough to let you know he doesnât plan to let go. âSeonghwa.â
âWhat?â He tilts his head slightly, feeling you hold his hand again but he doesnât call you out for it, instead basking in it. âIf itâs almost midnight itâs almost tomorrow, right?âÂ
You turn your head to the side, feeling your cheeks burn up again but rather than making a comment or laughing he leans forward and places a short kiss on the one facing him. You whip your head around to him and heâs centimeters away from your face. Seonghwa lets out a soft giggle that is music to your ears. It makes you want to stuff him into your pocket and keep him for as long as humanly possible but the next best thing is letting go of his hand and instead wrapping your hands around his waist. Heâs quick to hug you back, leaning his head against yours as you rest it against his shoulder. You can feel the umbrella against your back and although it doesnât feel the best youâre happy to be in his arms like this.Â
âWe should probably get going.â You mumble, closing your eyes as you do.
âProbably.â Seonghwa agrees but neither of you move. âThank you for today.â
âWe should do it together every year.â
âWe should do everything together all the time I think.â
âReally?â You laugh, entertaining him.
He nods firmly. âWe should wake up together, eat all our meals together, clean together, watch TV together, sit together in silence, cuddle together, go to sleep together, all the time.â He states matter of factly.
âThat would be nice.â You can feel yourself get sleepy, his soft tone mixed with his warmth itâs hard not to.
Seonghwa pulls back, still holding onto you though, and you do the same. His eyes scan your face for an answer and your smile is enough for him to know that you couldnât agree more.
Silently you pull away fully and reach for his hand much like he did with you. âLetâs go home?â
âLetâs.â He puts your hand in his pocket with his and begins walking forward, you follow along quickly. Your steps arenât as slow as they were previously but theyâre by no means rushed. It feels normal, intimate, domestic, you arenât sure you can really put a word on it but everything came naturally to the two of you. Youâre just glad youâre here with him like this after trying to figure out how to deal with all these feelings after so long. Sure there will be other hurdles like touring and being busy but itâs all things youâve dealt with before.
But right now is what matters, right now youâre going home with the person you love most in the world because he loves you back just as much and thatâs all you can really ask for. Just you and Seonghwa in your own little world.
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looking for a hongjoong(?) fic
itâs something sweet with smut!! all i remember is mc being a former religious person who wants to spend the night with hongjoong but she just feels bad about it because of what she has been taught. i donât think it was the longest thing in the world and i do remember some sort of purple text from the layout but thatâs really it!
please help a girl find it i wanted to save it for my next fic recs post but tumblr reloaded when i reopened the app for the link đ
#ateez imagine#ateez imagines#ateez x reader#ateez#ateez scenario#ateez au#ateez scenarios#ateez angst#ateez fluff
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LOVE, MAYBE
MASTERLIST | WC: 1.5K | RELEASE DATE: 29/11/2024
IDOL!SEONGHWA X FEM!READER
Synopsis: Just two friends in love who let their feelings be known in the first snow of the year.
Genre: Fluff, friends to lovers.
Rinaâs notes: Song's to set the mood because I listened to them when I wrote this: Really Like You - Baby Monster, Love, Maybe - Baby Monster, Try Again - Jaehyun, d.ear, Fearnot (Between you, me and the lamppost) - LE SSERAFIM, love you twice - Huh Yunjin
âJust be careful, just because itâs snowy doesnât mean itâs not icy!â Seonghwa watches you from behind with a small smile while you walk ahead. He stands still under his umbrella while youâre crouched down in the snow, smiling when you pick it up.
The cold nips at your fingers when you dig into the snow. You pick up as much as you can fit in your hands and make a ball, you continue this process seven more times, making them vary in size as you do so. Lining them up next to each other you giggle. Your fingers are wet and cold and completely red but itâs worth it when you look back and see Seonghwa smiling back at you.
The snow falling only makes him prettier, his umbrella up to prevent him getting covered in the snow while your hair and coat are dotted with snow. It reminds you of when you went to see the cherry blossoms fall together, his umbrella up while youâre steps ahead taking in the beauty of it all (Seonghwa was busy watching you, much like now), and you smile at the memory. That day had solidified your feelings for him even more when he stood in front of you picking out the petals from your hair one by one while telling you that although you looked pretty the petals were making a mess.Â
He ends up crouched next to you looking at the snowballs, âItâs you!â You point at the end. âAnd thereâs Hongjoong.â You point at the smallest snowball and he laughs. After that everything fades out, he turns to you and you look so happy explaining how each one of them are his bandmates and all he can think about is how considerate of them you really are all jokes aside, how quickly theyâve taken to you.Â
Seonghwa continues to watch you as you make a joke about them being snowballs and their song being called âIce On My Teethâ but when he doesnât laugh you turn to him quietly. âSeonghwa?â His trance is broken but his smile never fades. âWhat do you think?â
âI think itâs missing something.â You frown but he simply passes you the umbrella and reaches for the snowball you had dubbed as him, he takes it and puts it in front of the line. Just as you go to speak he picks up some snow and makes a much smaller snowball and places it next to his so theyâre just touching. âThere we go. You and me.â
Your face goes red as you stare down at the snowballs. Shyly you look down before lightly bumping your shoulder into him and thus knocking him over. The pair of you laugh, you at him and him in shock. âThatâs not fair!â Seonghwa complains as you stand up. He half expects you to help him but instead you stand up and turn your back to him. You dip your head down and fan your face, you place your cold hand on your cheek to try and calm the burn but nothing works.
Seonghwa stands up next to you and brushes himself off, still laughing. âThat wasnât fair!â He whines.
âShouldâve been more careful.â You laugh along with him.
The laughter dies down and eventually youâre both left staring ahead on the street smiling. Slowly you lower the umbrella and close it, now both of you are out in the snow. Seonghwa takes it from you quietly and ties it shut. The pair of you take small, hesitant steps forward as you can see the intersection where you have to split up. Both of you walk forward with not much left to say. It feels quite intimate, especially since youâre so close with your arms touching.Â
He can feel the back of your hand brush against his ever so slightly and it makes his heart burst. Slowly he moves in to lock your pinky fingers, standard practice for both of you when itâs crowded except the street is empty besides a few people on the other side. This point goes unaddressed by both of you, youâre as shy as each other. You silently kick some of the snow in front of you causing Seonghwa to laugh at your childish antics. Heâs sure tomorrow his cheeks will hurt from how much he has been smiling today but he canât help it, he wants to lock this feeling up in a bottle and keep it forever if he canât have you for that long.
As you reach the lamppost on the corner of the intersection Seonghwa moves to hold your hand. You turn to him silently and he thinks you look perfect in this lighting. He thinks you look perfect anyway but itâs moments like these small intimate ones that make him realise why he fell so hard because even in the cold, in the snow, you make him feel warm and fuzzy inside and all he can do is hope he makes you feel the same way. You look down at your locked hands and watch as his thumb strokes your hand.Â
You can see the building his dorm is in from where youâre both standing to your right (youâre also both sure you can see San and Mingi outside in their coats playing in the snow) and you can see the way back to your apartment straight ahead. You look at both of your options and feel Seonghwa tug at your hand, turning your attention and body to him in the process.
âItâs quite cold.â He says ever so quietly.
You nod at him. âItâs snowing Seonghwa.â
âItâs the first snow of the year. Four years as friends and itâs our first time doing this together.â He sounds somewhat guilty for calling you friends but he takes a small step forward. âWe should do this tomorrow too, if it snows.â
You reach up and push back some of his snow covered hair and nod in agreement. âIâll see you tomorrow?â Just as you let go of his hand his grip tightens, not enough to hurt you, he never would, but enough to let you know he doesnât plan to let go. âSeonghwa.â
âWhat?â He tilts his head slightly, feeling you hold his hand again but he doesnât call you out for it, instead basking in it. âIf itâs almost midnight itâs almost tomorrow, right?âÂ
You turn your head to the side, feeling your cheeks burn up again but rather than making a comment or laughing he leans forward and places a short kiss on the one facing him. You whip your head around to him and heâs centimeters away from your face. Seonghwa lets out a soft giggle that is music to your ears. It makes you want to stuff him into your pocket and keep him for as long as humanly possible but the next best thing is letting go of his hand and instead wrapping your hands around his waist. Heâs quick to hug you back, leaning his head against yours as you rest it against his shoulder. You can feel the umbrella against your back and although it doesnât feel the best youâre happy to be in his arms like this.Â
âWe should probably get going.â You mumble, closing your eyes as you do.
âProbably.â Seonghwa agrees but neither of you move. âThank you for today.â
âWe should do it together every year.â
âWe should do everything together all the time I think.â
âReally?â You laugh, entertaining him.
He nods firmly. âWe should wake up together, eat all our meals together, clean together, watch TV together, sit together in silence, cuddle together, go to sleep together, all the time.â He states matter of factly.
âThat would be nice.â You can feel yourself get sleepy, his soft tone mixed with his warmth itâs hard not to.
Seonghwa pulls back, still holding onto you though, and you do the same. His eyes scan your face for an answer and your smile is enough for him to know that you couldnât agree more.
Silently you pull away fully and reach for his hand much like he did with you. âLetâs go home?â
âLetâs.â He puts your hand in his pocket with his and begins walking forward, you follow along quickly. Your steps arenât as slow as they were previously but theyâre by no means rushed. It feels normal, intimate, domestic, you arenât sure you can really put a word on it but everything came naturally to the two of you. Youâre just glad youâre here with him like this after trying to figure out how to deal with all these feelings after so long. Sure there will be other hurdles like touring and being busy but itâs all things youâve dealt with before.
But right now is what matters, right now youâre going home with the person you love most in the world because he loves you back just as much and thatâs all you can really ask for. Just you and Seonghwa in your own little world.
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