yoongi-d

[yoongi-d]

champagne problems

you had a speech, you're speechless

love slipped beyond your reaches

and I couldn't give a reason

...

characters: reader, jeon junkook, kim namjoon, min yoongi

content: fluff, angst, hints of betrayal

part I

you're pretty sure you've never seen such confusion on his face as he leans over to, quite obviously, initiate a kiss and you sits up abruptly, as if electrocuted.

"y/n, what's-"

you look down and meet his gaze immediately, shaking your head and soundlessly repeating 'no, no way, no'. this time, jungkook has already sat up, with a put-together look on his face. something serious is going on and he hates situations like these, but does it out of love and understanding for his...

for his y/n.

for his best friend.

for you.

for whatever reason, he still puts up with you.

"what's wrong?" he urges you to answer again.

"jungkook, i can't do that to you again. if i let you kiss me or attempt any sort of intimacy, i'm going to lose my shit-"

"y/n, what the fuck are you-"

"i can't, jungkook! i need you to finally treat me as a friend, from now onward. literally, i-" you shift into a more comfortable position, this time facing him directly, "i have done things i shouldn't even have thought of doing. and my bad decisions included you. you're my best friend, i can't let you suffer because of me anymore. so please," you take a deep breath, "try to let this go. however strong your feelings for me are, please allow them to...i don't know, disappear. because both of us will get hurt if we don't get our shit together."

he stares at you blankly (at least he doesn't look as confused anymore) and you can notice his heart has stopped beating as fast anymore. it's okay. everything's okay. you didn't upset him. he's not upset-

"did i upset you? was i too harsh? i swear i didn't mean to, it's just..." you blurt out, eager to get at least some kind of response from him.

"no, it's fine. i mean, i totally get where you're coming from. and i'll treat you as a friend only, if that's what will make you feel safe around me."

you nod, giving him a small smile, before lifting up your arm for a fist bump. he returns it.

and you're happy. you don't feel empty, you feel relieved. you're breathing more easily than before. and god bless virgo males, you love this guy to death. even if you can't have each other in the way that would make you even happier.

you're happy to have him by your side.

part II

mornings with namjoon have become anything but what they used to be. you remember preparing breakfast, him hugging you from behind, humming soft melodies as you're still in that sleepy haze after just waking up.

it's not like that anymore.

now you sit in silence, him on his laptop, doing whatever he can to distract himself from the silence that makes so many things all too obvious.

it's obvious you're drifting away from each other. it's obvious you're holding onto whatever once was. it's not there anymore. whatever it is that the two of you share now...it's anything but love and affection. more like a habit. and you've never felt more uncomfortable in his presence.

it used to be nice. lovely. fun. it used to be promising. you used to be able to imagine a future with him - where did all of it go?

as you grip your mug, coffee gone cold, he closes his laptop and looks up at you.

"y/n, what are you thinking about?"

not 'babe', not 'honey', but 'y/n'.

he normally doesn't call you by your name, although it still spills from his mouth so beautifully, only this time it sounds like a sad melody.

"nothing. i'm still sleepy. it's nothing."

he hums, leaning back, not taking his eyes off you. "you came home last night and went straight to bed, y/n. you normally work until you can't see strraight anymore, and you're never this quiet or...absent, i guess. i feel like you're not telling me something."

"no, namjoon, i-," you begin to say, but he interrupts, waving his hand as if to dismiss the topic.

"whatever it is, you can always talk to me. you don't have to handle stuff on your own."

it breaks your heart, being unable to tell him the truth. the truth is, you don't feel at home with him anymore. you have a past together, yes, and you don't see a future with him anymore, but the present is what pains you the most.

it's unfair, you think, how you let yourself slip out of love with him and into loving another person. it's safe to say you don't love him like you used to. and you pray to god that he feels the same, because how else are you supposed to say goodbye? are you even ready for that?

"can i hug you?" you blurt out, not knowing what else to say. you need some kind of comfort, anything to make you feel like nothing has changed, that all of this is only a bump in the road.

but you know it's not. it's much bigger than that.

as he walks over to you, embracing you from behind, you feel like the most disgusting piece of shit you've ever known. he doesn't deserve this. any of this.

he doesn't deserve you ignoring him, he doesn't deserve you pretending you love him like you used to, he doesn't deserve you lying to him about where you'd been all night, and saying you were out with friends.

if only he knew you've been spending all that time falling in love with someone else. you nearly cry remembering that you're not only actively cheating on him, but you're cheating on him with your best friend, your mutual friend, one of the people he trusts the most.

it doesn't matter that you ended...whatever it is you had going on with jungkook, last night. it won't erase what you've done. you can't even call it a mistake anymore, when you're all to aware that you don't love namjoon anymore, not like you used to.

if only you had the guts to let him know how you feel.

but you keep quiet. you know the time to say goodbye is approaching with every single second, but you don't have it in you to verbalize what has to be said.

you wonder if he knows - something, anything. you wonder if he can sense that something is off, off to the point of no return to the way things once were.

and you feel like an even bigger piece of shit for wasting his time when he deserves to be loved by someone better than you.

yet, you still say nothing. how do you even brace yourself for the inevitable goodbye? what happens after that? you don't dare imagine the aftermath.

so you keep quiet, convincing yourself it's only for a little longer. you know you will eventually have to let him go, it's just a matter of time. and it's ticking away, so loudly you can't pay attention to anything else.

just a little longer, you say to yourself.

part III

you're not sure when exactly you began dreading waking up next to namjoon, seeing his face and hearing his voice first thing in the morning. it used to bring you so much joy, something you used to look forward to each time you went to bed.

when did it stop exciting you, and when did you begin to dread his loving smile? it can't be fair, being loved by someone you used to love back, and not having the guts or...decency, to let them know you don't feel the same anymore.

perhaps you keep delaying that conversation because you have no idea what comes after. you'd break up, that's for sure, but the damage both of you would suffer is something you'd like to avoid at all costs.

the worst thing, you realize, is that you're - by all means - able to love, and are in love, just not with the right person. you can't pinpoint the moment where you fell out of love with namjoon and in love with jungkook. the transition was very slow, and perhaps it's possible that, at some point, you loved both of them equally.

but now?

you're stuck in a relationship with a man who adores you, while you spend your free time adoring another man. you feel nothing but disappointment towards yourself, and one could even say you feel a bit disgusted by the fact that you have the guts to cheat, but not set him free. you can't even admit to him that you don't love him the way you used to. how come you're not afraid of him finding out about jungkook, but afraid how he'll react to your confession? it's almost like you'd rather have someone else do the talking for you, while you go crawl in a hole and hide away from the rest of the world.

and what do you even do about jungkook? he's been your best friend since forever, and unfortunately, you happened to prove the notion that there's no such thing as friendship between a girl and a guy. perhaps it's possible, just not in your case. or maybe you were never supposed to be friends in the first place, but lovers instead. perhaps you weren't meant to be with namjoon, ever, and have jungkook as your partner of three years.

you can't stop the thoughts running through your head, questioning everything and ending up disgusted by your actions, thoughs and feelings with each passing moment. if only you could ditch being yourself for a moment, escape the situation you've found yourself in, but there's no such thing and you realize you're being way too selfish, feeling sorry for yourself when you're the one who deserves pity the least.

you don't deserve it at all.

you knew what you were doing when you first realized you had feelings for jungkook that you, as a friend, shouldn't be having. you knew what you were doing when you first accepted the fact that he felt the same. you knew what you were doing when you acted upon those feelings. you both knew what you were doing. but there's no use shifting the blame onto him, when he's got less mess to deal with than you do. he's not the one in a - now one-sided - relationship of three years that's nearing its end. he's not the one who's about to break the heart of the person who loves them so dearly, without any doubt that the love is reciprocated. he's not the one who's going to have to pick up the pieces of a broken heart that did nothing to deserve what you're about to put namjoon through.

and you wish, more than ever, that you were better with words, as you try and think of a way to let him know that what you've had has come to an end. it doesn't feel fair that he gets to be the last one to find out, and the one to receive the most damage. you feel like a piece of shit for what you've already done, and for the fact that he has yet to find out.

if only you could skip the bit about being in love with someone else. if only he were stupid enough to believe that there was no third party involved, when he's been noticing, with each day, how much time you spend away from him, as compared to before. he's not stupid, he's smarter than you, and he will catch on sooner or later. sooner or later - you don't know which is worse. you pray to god that he ends up hating you more than he ends up hating jungkook - he's betrayed him as well, after all. you're not alone in this.

if only you could pick up a pen and a piece of paper and write down everything you're feeling, but you can't, because you're too ashamed to admit what you feel and do at every given moment. you hate yourself for the audacity to feel anything at all. you don't deserve to feel sad, you made your own bed you now get to lay in. you made it for yourself, not namjoon. he doesn't deserve to be the victim of your inability to stay faithful and not be a piece of shit to someone who loves you to pieces.

but there is no other option than letting him know, sooner or later.

and the sooner, the better. because you can't be so cruel as to waste another day of his life letting him believe everything's okay, when it's not.

so you pick up your phone, and dial his number. you're about to let him know that it's over. you have no idea how you're going to do it, but you don't deserve any more time than you've already wasted.