you-bringout-thebest-inme
Life Is Short, Enjoy It
26 and throwing the curve balls back at life full speed.
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Almost a year since i lost you my little one. Ill never know u but i think about you almost daily ♥️❤️ 🌈
TRIGGER WARNING: PREGNANCY LOSS
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March 14th: 1st positive pregnancy test
March 15th, and 17th: total of 7 positive pregnancy tests.
3 days total you spent trying to guilt me/ bully me/ talk me into abortion. 3 days total i cried and told you no.
March 22nd: my first prenatal appointment where i got proof of pregnancy paper. Urine test confirmed my pregnancy there. Got a pap smear and blood work done.
I finally got you to stop considering abortion, and got you to stop thinking your dreams were crushed due to a small bump in the road. We were planning to continue on with our plans in a longer timeline. You were getting used to the idea of being a parent again. I finally told you how i felt and stopped being bitter. We didnt fight for almost 3 days total.
March 25th: i got a call from my doctor stating i had an sti and that i would need a one dose antibiotic for it. I went to the pharmacy after work and picked it up, we got food and went back to your place. I took the pills. A few hours later i had severe stomach cramping, which was due to antibiotics. It went away and i went to bed for work the next morning.
March 26th: i woke up as usual, went to the bathroom and wiped. A slight tinge of the lightest pinkish color was on the paper. I blew it off and got ready. Around 9am after breakfast, i went to the bathroom again. I wiped, this time there was noticeable light pink on the paper. I wiped it three times. I called my doctor. Nothing to worry about we arent concerned it may be from the sex you had 2 days prior. My fears were at bay for now. I was told to keep an eye on it. I did. I went to the bathroom multiple times after that. Nervous each time. I went again before lunch and there was more, but it was still light pink. I did lunch. Dishes were done and i went on break and went home. More pink. I went back to work, and around 2:15 pm i went to the bathroom and wiped and a red bloody clot was on the paper. It was small but i called the doctor. I was told to go to emergency room. I did. As time went on the bleeding became worse. Darker in color gradually and more in amount. There was chunks of matter and chunks of clots in my urine sample. It came back negative for pregnancy. At this moment i knew. But i had a sliver of hope. They took my blood and my hcg level came back at 6. The grey area. They did both types of ultrasounds. They saw no baby.
The day after: theres no guide to a misscaraige. No one tells you the pain you will have physically. The cramps. The clots the amount of blood you lose. The mess it is to clean. No one tells you how it will affect your mental health. How you will be able to stay at bay with emtions untill you see the clots the blood the mess. You know thats your baby and what was growing it. You know your body folded on you. You know anyone you told you now have to explain what happened to them. I will never be the same. This will hold a large peice of my heart and soul forever.
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So i had a whole rage fit bc of my bpd, and now im sitting in the bathroom feeling stupid and make my love feel like shit again. I just gotta keep sayin to myself, just another year till the debt is payed off, just 3 more months till my new job gives me my insurance benefits just 3 more months till i can get affordable therapy and grasp back onto my life. But the thing is i dont think i can make it. I hear my love stomping out there and i just kinda wanna run the f away and kms. But u know ill just have to apologize once again and make her hate me more each day. Sadly.
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I chugged a redbull, and then got bad news at work so now im in panic mode and cant stop crying so like wtf
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To clean my house and end my life? Or to go to work on Wednesday like im not suicidol as fuckkkkk
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Bruh i just wanna die… my bf thts rlly my gf grabbed me by the throat tonight bc we got into a verbal argument. And i raised my voice bc they were in my face when i repeatedly asked for space. I raised my voice and asked for the space.
Before i could even get away from them their hands were around my throat… so i retaliated and fought back. I left alot of marks. Theres only 2 on my throat… id rather die than justify either of us or talk it over or wait it out or whatever. Ive been so suicidal and this is sending me over the edge. I wish i was dead dead dead.
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I don’t think I will ever heal.
“Time heals wounds”
That’s just a lie.
It gets easier,
But when it’s getting bad again,
It feels even worse than the last time.
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My ED, Self Harm, and Dysphoria teaming to give me hell this summer
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Having to mentally talk myself into and out of suicide every day is exhausting
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You always say I can talk to you but it's getting bad again and it just feels like I've been bothering you
Confession #39
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The blade is never enough. It never will be. Yet still it calls me, and i come. I give in, over and over again. Carving the words you spoke into my skin, permanently. Leaving myself empty, numb, and lost. Am i more lost now? I do not think so. Im freed from the demons in my mind telling me to die, or hurt myself worse than this. Im freed from the pain for just a short time. The scars bother me none, anymore. Its just life. Im just 26 in a month. I really thought id grow outa this shit man…. But here i am oj a stupid fuckin app. Instead of talking to the love of my life bc im just a bully. Im just a bitch. A cunt. Mean. I never apologize first or ever for that. Fuck this life. Who the fuck prays to god for death? This girl. Every fucking day. “Why do u keep me here in thie. Just fucking let me die.�� I wish i would die.
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I used to think my teenage depression was the absolute worst thing. Now here i am, still not at rock bottom, still functioning but barely and i mean fucking barely holding it together. To even get out of the bed take a shower brush my teeth and work. Thats all i do. Im stuck. I let things pile up so badly it takes me an entire day to clean and put it back together. I keep calling off and I know my job has had that shit with me. Im ready to quit, move away and honestly, end my fucking life. I thought this vacation is what i needed to get myself right. But i feel just as shitty here as i did home. Id rather be alone feeling like this. I wanna run away from here too.
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