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??
So many things on my mind.... Idk anymore...
Does he love me? Am i just there as a companion? Or am i just someone easily replaceable? Just what am i to him?
Shit happens and he doesnt give a fk if i walk away. Hes like "bij u wanna walk away, sure, lemme open the door for u" and no he din say that but it's how he had been towards me for the past few months. Things been slowly changing and soon BOOM we might not be in contact anymore, hell, hes moved on with someone new. I dont want that shit to happen. He successfully made me THINK that i AM the one for him. Full of myself huh.
Idk if it's true or not but i feel like im ALWAYS his back up plan. Like if he had to choose between his fam or me, itll be his fam. Or if its between his friends and me, itll be hid friends. Well shit, who he gonna marry then?? I know we r not linked by blood in any way but if he can voice out AND type out that HE WANNA WIFE ME UP, then shouldnt he actually show it? Cause it honestly feels like im there to keep him from being lonely. I just wanna feel special yknow. I mean who doesnt.
Im actually really fking honoured and happy that im the FIRST gf to have followed him back to his hometown, where his was born. And to MAYBE be the first gf he rode the bike with(idk about this but yeah). I could even be the first gf to have dinner with his aunties from thailand. It makes me feel like hes alr planning a future with me and we're in the process of getting to know each other even MORE.
But these days, we've been arguing a lot way more than we have. In fact, everyday. And he seems so tired of me and my shit and this rs that he secretly has given up. It's just what i feel. I mean he was right about me being fair and not telling my friends fam about us so this is thr only platform i have to vent it all out cause if i were to do it to him rn, we'll definitely argue and im trying alllll ways to avoid that.
I've been so upset. We fought real bad last night because he said he would tell me if he wants to sleep and that he said he was gonna shower, he'll brb. But guess what? Fellow din show up till an hour later. Suspicious much? Obviously with this insecure mind i got, i would think like oh he prolly went to wank off with another hoe and then had his fun and came back saying he dozed off. I just feel like what i thought happened, is actually true and even if it is, i just hope it made him happy at least. Even tho deep down it may hurt me or its alr hurting me but i try to push that thought away and trust his words.
So today, after he finished work, he asked if he could see me and obviously i needed some comfort so i said yes. But then, he was gonna help me collect my laptop from his friend before meeting me and i know that their meetup place would be on the other side of where i am and its gonna take long for him to come over and its alr late so i told him to head home first and he can pass the laptop to me another day EVEN THO I REALLY NEEDED HIM TO COME COMFORT ME BCUZ IVE BEEN FEELING SO FKING SHITTY AND I STILL AM BUT DUDE PREFERS TO HANG WITH HIS FRIENDS EVEN AFTER I SAID MULTIPLE TIMES THAT I NEEDED HIM. HE DIN MIND NOT COMING OVER. THR LAPTOP CAN FKING WAIT BCUZ I JUST REALLY NEEDED FKING COMFORT. I NEED HIM. He just doesnt understand that. And prolly doesn't even care.
I AM grateful tho that he went all the way to collect the laptop for me although i said no need. I appreciate that so much but rn its not the laptop that i need. Its him.
Yeah im fking stupid. People r probably mad at me and my decisions but i ASSUME i know what's best for me??? Bcuz no one knows the full story of our rs except for both of us. They only harp on the bad side of me or him. But wtv, cause IF we were to get married, these people wont be the ones making our baby, paying our rents bills and shit. Its us, him and me. And i hope he knows that.
I dont expect him to LITERALLY treat me like a queen but at least see me as the queen of his eyes.(i honestly dk if that makes sense but ya) i really just wanna be the ONLY person in his eyes. The min i need him, which is alw, he will drop and stop wtv just to come be with me. Its fking sweet. And HE IS THE KING IN MY EYES.
Yeah, this may sound so dramatic but cmon, thats love. We cant be enemies all the time arguing and shit. What kind of a rs is that right? Im so fking down and i just need someone to comfort me. I dont even know where he is.
(07/09/17 2332)
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You used to be so afraid of losing me. Youll beg me to stay or even come all the way down to see me just so i wont leave you. But now? You could care less even if i jumped. And youll be like "oh ok. If you wanna leave, go ahead" am i not that important to you anymore? You got what you wanted and now youre just treating me like im some shit? You used to treat me like im the world to you but now you treat me like im just a country. Or worse, a furniture in a country. You used to be so sweet and clingy but now? It seems lile youve had enough of my nonsense. Your ego is super duper high and you wont let it dowm until i bow down to you. You know for a fact that if you try to be hard on me, ill eventually let go and give in to you. You playing me dirty. You always wanna win arguments and get your point across, hell, you think youre alw right. But what do you get? Points above? Medal? Money? You get nothing but us arguing instead. So why is there a need to have your ego so high up? Is this how you really love a girl? Has anyone ever cared or bothered you this much? Or at least give you their attention in BOTH GOOD AND BAD ALL DAY EVERYDAY? has anyone ever tried their fking best to do shits for you just so you could be happy. And all i needed was some respect from you. Youve just really crossed the line.
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Clueless
Hmmm
Just why am i feeling this way? Why am i so upset? Well I'll tell u what i feel.
It's bcuz i feel like im being taken for granted. It feels like now that the trip is over, im not needed anymore and we're back to being on our own. He doesnt involve me in anything. I mean its just a feeling and i need to let it out somewhere that wont get me in trouble. Does he care? Idk. Does he really want me? Idk. Im so down and i dont have anyone to go to, to let it out. I mean not that i dont have anyone, i just choose not to bcuz ive not been listening. Im just very upset and insecure, so many things going on in my mind but will he be that sweet person thatll come down to me just to assure me? That everythings gonna be alright?
Why do i feel like things changed a lot? Since few months ago. Like wtv he used to do, completely stopped. And he became even more egoistic and mean. Am i really that bad to be with? I know i can be hard to handle but if someone truly loves me he'll learn all my ways or at least try to.
Anyway, i guess i have to deal with this feeling on my own, yet again. Bcuz he wont be there for me. He's too busy thinking he's right(or prolly busy at a shoot idk).
I just gotta stay silent then? Idk also. The urge to talk to him but we know how its gonna go down. We'll end up arguing bcuz dudes ego is so damn high u cant even reach the top even if given a billion years.
Yknow.... Just a random thing.. Back in hatyai, the way he looked at his phone when his friends texted him, he looked so happy. I wish it was the same for me but i know i never brought smiles to his face since the day we met.
(06/09/17 1112)
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The strongest people are the ones who are still kind even after the world tore them a part.
Raven Emotion
(via thoughtkick)
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Fked up
Back again, writing yet another fked up post.
Is it my fault? Idk. Maybe it seriously is. For every god damn thing. What happened exactly?
Okay so it started off when he tried to be the reliable one thatll help me out with the collection of my laptop and so i put my hopes on him. I mean, no rush to collect it. I even told him myself that if his friend isnt free, can alw meet up another time. After dude went back home, he got lazy(yes im using the word lazy bcuz ik how lazy he can get) and shit and din stick to his word. And no im not impatient. What if its smtg important? I know he had only a few hours of sleep the night before. But i asked him if work was busy and he said no. So what did he do that can be so tiring? Plus he doesnt need to move about. Just in his seat, using the comp. Maybe it gets tiring after awhile idk.
Anyway, not only did he not keep to his word, which i did get upset bcuz this isnt the first time but i know ill be over it after awhile bcuz i understand that he was tired,but also he MIA-ed the min things turned sour. And when i mentioned about it. What did he say? "I didnt see the need to talk to u or anyone since u got angry). EXCUSEEE ME MF. so next te u get mad at me for smtg, am i allowed to run away and give the same reason? Or r u so tired of dealing with my shit that u dont want to anymore? Bcuz if thats the case then y r we still tgt? U should know that there will be bound to have even more shits from me AND u. He was supposed to meet his friend in the night too and that poor fellow din know shit until i texted him. Wtf? He has no basic courtesy at all. Nvm that.
What added fuel to fire? The min he woke up, he replied me very rudely. Accusing and assuming when i legit went online to see if he was awake bcuz i was left hanging AND UPSET(that he mia again). I fking couldn't sleep. I was waiting for his msg. But this mean asshole didnt even want to admit to his mistake or apologise sincerely. I mean he did but trust me, it was very very very very sarcastic. He accused me of talking to someone else on ws n refused to believe me. Then wtv.
Iso being nice and apologetic for not sticking to his words and mia-ing, he was a dick, a mean asshole, a fking cunt.
And to think the entire day my mind was all about him. The future and so on. The feeling when i got to stay with him for a few days and how it felt like we were married, even for a while, it gave me the good kind of queasy-ness in my tummy bcuz i was happy.
BUT
FK IT HE WILL NVR BE HAPPY WITH ME NOR WILL HE APPRECIATE ME NOR WILL HE REALISE HIS MISTAKE. HE ALW THINKS HES RIGHT? OK.
DREAM ON SARA
(06/09/17 1049)
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TRAG
y do i hate this so much? I knew it from the start. A man like him? Hmm i know im not perfect i made a loooot of mistakes just like him and everyone else. And when he fks it up, we argue but eventually i forgive. It goes on and on and on and i never stopped forgiving him. I never held any grudges against him. Like y should i since i saw him as my future dude.
Hes done really very sweet things for me that i can CLEARLY rmb.
We argued a lot also that i do rmb too. But none of that mattered to me bcuz my love for him empowered(?idk correct word) everything. I was so naive and dumb.
There he is talking about fairness but is he really fair? He wants me to treat him like how i treat ny friends or even better, can but does he do thar with me? NO. so wheres the fairness?
Hes done a lot of wrong to make me the person i am today and even after that i still forgive. Yet when i fk up a bit thatd when he runs away telling people he cannot take it and shit. Then ehat about me??? When i haf to handle all the shits he threw at me. How he was when his exes left him. He was destroyed. I tried my fking best to fix him. To take initiative and to love and care for him. Has he ever noticed that??? Is thos alw about me fking up and what about the good shit i did? I begged him stay. Din have enough sleep bcuz i was happy and nervous to travel down to his house which cost me fking 30bucks to entering into his house singing in the toilet sooo happily. Anf when he came out he just kissed me like ntg was wrong??? How can he act so fine? Does he not care at all? For his bday i booked a hotel for us both, i ordered his wallet bcuz hes very picky about it and almost got the shoes he admired which cost more than 100+. I even intend to lie to my mum justso i could br with him yet this guy is so fkinf ungrateful? So unappreciative. He tells me his exes all never really cared much about him or were willing to go thru anuthing for him. BUT LOOK AT WHAT I HAD TO GO THRU YET HE STILL DUMPEF ME FOR WHAT? “Breaking the promise” or “not being appreciative” or “being unfair” wth
I get scoldings just so i can meet u, i try my best to save cause i know i want a future with u, i lie to my parents every now n then, i sneak out of my house even tho i know i willget caught just to be by ur side, whrn u no money its not like i dont buy u things at all. Im not selfish with my money. When ure sad, angry or wtv im alw there. Even afyer we break up, u know ill come running back to u not cause i will feel lonelt or shit but bcuz I KNEW U WERE THE ONE. THE ONE I WANTED TO SPEND MY ENTIRE LIFE WITH. i believe ive done so much more things than any of ur lover has and i was still willing to if u actually lowered ur ego. But nope. U pushed me too far. Too far.
22Aug2017 15:18)
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Sometimes I think sleeping next to someone is more intimate than having sex. Maybe it’s because when you’re asleep you let go of all inhibitions. Every touch feels sensual and meaningful.
Me, 28.7.17 (via lovelustquotes)
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I love you, not because of what you have, but because of what I feel.
I care for you, not because you need care, but because I want to.
I’m always here for you, not because I wan’t you to be with me, but because I want to be with you.
(via i-love-you-from-a-distance)
OH YESSSSSS B
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