yourfishy

[yourfishy]

I need you. Now.

[yourfishy]

Morphine

Once my best friend, morphine was there for pain, for pleasure, through rain, through shine.

She got me through some tough times, hell she even took away pains that no person or possession ever could.

I took her on nights out, to dinner, to drinks, she even came to work with me most days. You could say I couldnt go a day without her, because truthfully, I couldnt.

That was just it, that was the problem. The times she wasnt by my side, I broke into nothing more than a mess of who I was.

I hated the fact that I either felt nothing or I was internally screaming in pain, but what could I possibly do except throw another of those little yellow pills to the back of my throat in hopes that it would solve all of my problems?

Morphine made me feel like I could fly, but she also took me to the depths of hell, parts of my mind I didnt even know existed, I wasnt even faded anymore, I was just... numb...

I dont miss it, but sometimes I think that maybe I wouldnt have all of these feelings, maybe if im just numb all the time, ill be happy? Maybe?

Death wont fix me, but I thought she did. truthfully, she killed me but my heart still kept beating. How unfortunate for some.

[yourfishy]

Fucking kill me.

[yourfishy]

J

I dont really know where to start, or where my words will lead, but I feel like we are broken and its weighing on my chest. I miss you, the talks, your smile, your laugh, I miss our closeness, the way we understood eachother and the way we could sit in silence and feel nothing but love, now we grow silent because of pain and upset.

I cant be without you, I feel like you are silently pushing me away, I just want to know what I can do to help, because this frustration, get us nowhere.

I think about us all the time, I replay memories in my head of the things we have done and said, what we have been through and where we could be in years time, but im also thinking that our first times, could well be our last... and that hurts more that anybody could ever know.

When you think of me, what do you see? A future, a past, a longing, or maybe even just an early chapter you are ready to quitely finish? I wish we would fight less about stupid shit, and fight harder to be together, but our emotions always get the better of us.

I still care, I still love you, that will never change, but the things I have seen from you lately make it seem like im just not trying hard enough anymore, I hear your cries and want you wipe away your tears. I feel your raw thoughts, wanting you to share them with me, but I feel as though you suffer in silence, even after knowing you dont have to.

Things have definetly changed between us, there is no denying that, but i keep holding onto hope that things will get better soon, because im losing my grip and its getting hard to calm my aching heart and harsh thoughts.

❤️🐠

[yourfishy]

Just so you know.

I would throw myself in the most violent seas just so I could drown and watch every memory of us flash before me.

One last time.

[yourfishy]

[yourfishy]

[yourfishy]

We could of just talked abit, you know?.. theres nothing wrong with that, it would of been nice.

[yourfishy]

Its a cool night, im sat in the garden writing this, wishing you could be sat with me drinking coffee and watching the stars fade behind houses as the night brushes over the earth. The sound of silence is loud yet peaceful. A slight wind, quitely whistling as it sneaks through the fence posts. Damp grass and spring bushes giving off an earthy smell. Heat from my cup transfering to my hands. I stand, look over and see the light pollution in the next town, take a sip of coffee, its sweet with a bitter aftertaste. I sigh as I think about you, I want you here, now.

❤️🐠

[yourfishy]

There isn't an exact time, but there must of been a point where all of these feelings started to consume me.

Before you, I was numb to most things, comfortably numb I guess, I knew how to smile, but not laugh. I could be sad, but you would never catch my crying. I could be frustrated, but never angry. I was different then, I had a different world, I was a different person.

Being with you isnt easy, but that isnt because its you, its because im me, the person I have become, adapting, evolving around you, growing around you, changing around you, these feelings I have for you. you have made me laugh, you have made me cry, you havnt made me angry, not directly, but im willing to admit I have found myself more than frustrated at a certain individual and all of that is okay, its normal, just not my normal.

I dont expect you to tear you mind apart and change it for me, Sometimes I feel as if you are better off without me, like tonight. My frustration wasnt at you, It was at myself, for saying that, then watching you process it. It consumed you, then it just went downhill from there.

Truthfully, I do hold my tongue sometimes, in fear of upsetting you, but thats just me protecting your feelings and inevitably, mine, I am aware it isnt healthy but I will always place yoir feeling above all else. I dont want to upset with witty jokes and smart ass comments, I get that some days you feel more sensitive than others, but I dont really like chancing that because we both know the outcome if things go the wrong way.

Just know, I would never want to change you, because to me, again, you are still perfect.

❤️🐠

[yourfishy]

I gave you everything you asked for, Love, Attention, My heart, My body, My soul.

And yet, even after you say things are okay, your attempts at to even want to talk to me fade.

How is it, that you upset me, but I ended up feeling so in the wrong?

I promised to chase you, but that just isnt possible when you arnt here. I did everything to try make things right, obviously, things still arnt right and im afraid all I see and end for us.

You said you would chase me. You want me to stay, you want to talk, but your replies are short, hesitant and distant.

A crippling pain in my chest, A nightmare feeling all too real, A shudder down my spine as I think about our distance, our fading relationship.

A constant dream of us, A life where we sit together in the garden, talking about our day, watching the flowers move in the spring wind, has been replace. I wake up, you're there, right infront of me, but you can't see me, I try reach out and touch you, but I just cant. Im still trying to figure out what that means

A future that once looked so bright, now looks sad and lonely.

I found a rock today, it was quartz, it glittered in the sunlight, I picked it up, it reminded my of you, I know you like collecting rocks, but it felt like more than that, just like you it was beautiful, thousands upon thousands of rocks, and none stood out like this one. After looking at it for a while, holding it in my hand, i tossed it, watched it skip across the road, it bounced into the grass and just like that it was gone forever. I didnt think about it much at the time, but its so easy to lose something so precious when you dont hold on to it, if you throw it away or stop chasing it.

❤️🐠

[yourfishy]

I just feel.

Empty.

[yourfishy]

Why do i wanna marry you? The first time i laid eyes on you. I thought, damn, shes hot. Silk blonde hair and green eyes, yeah im game, but shes in the US this is just 2 people fucking around, fine. Shes married too, we were nothing but 2 strangers having fun. But then we got to know each other, likes, dislikes, wants, futures, pasts and presents.

I started to like you, i still think to this day, Although i felt it, you said 'i love you' first. We clicked, we made it work under the most crazy circumstances, you told your friends about me, introduced me to your daughter, let me into your life, your work, your home, yes all through a screen but that doesnt matter, we still make it work. even now, we laugh, we cry, but we only cry out of love, if we didnt get upset at upsetting things, why would we even be doing this? Under all the crying, laughing, apologies and i love yous, there was a spark that turned to a flame, just waiting to be nurtured and fueled into a bright fire, a bright and happy future.

You became my all and my everything, the most beautiful thing inhave ever laid my eyes on, you get me, and i get you, even if we misunderstand eachother sometimes, its only normal, its grows us as a couple, i want to be with you until death do us part, and even longer after that. The reason i want to marry you? You are my soul-tie, my everything, my world and most of all - my best friend.

❤️🐠

[yourfishy]

[yourfishy]

My walls are back up. alone, sad, feeling... nothing.

The past three days have emotionally killed me.

Goodnight.

Ill always love you.

💔🐠

[yourfishy]

I cant sleep, I miss you like crazy, My mind is a mess right now, bad dreams, bad thoughts. I want you. Its really eating away at me.. I hope you're okay, Im so fucking scared for you right now

[yourfishy]

I miss you.

No, i dont think there is anybody else, but, I am worried we arnt talking like we used to. you say we arnt drifting and I get it, we have work and other commitments, but why does it feel like you might be getting bored of me? Am I boring? Am I not enough? Do you really feel like you're begging for my love?