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We looked inside some of the posts by yugoslavianism and here's what we found interesting.
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11
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I need to be fucked so bad. Oh my god I literally just need someone choking me while fucking the shit out of me. And to think, I had an invitation to go to Canada in a few weeks.... If I didn't hate myself so much I'd go. He would be soooo good. Fuck me. In more than one way.
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I just got high for the first time since 2011. What the fuck.
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I wish everyone loved me as much as I pretend to love myself.
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I’ve decided that I’m not angry. I guess I never truly was. After all, how could I be angry at someone who had no intentions of hurting me? That’s what I am. Hurt. Devastated. Destroyed. I won’t use the cliche “bad dream you can’t wake up from” analogy. No, this is more like when you’ve invested years into your most favorite television show. And then your most favorite character from your most favorite show dies. But you can’t go back and watch any of the old seasons, and of course that character won’t be in any new seasons. But you have to keep watching anyway. You’re forced to keep watching this television show that now seems mediocre at best. Of course the television show is my life and my favorite character, my mother. My mediocre life isn’t worth watching, let alone living. But here I am, being as strong as I can for the infants stuck in adult bodies that I call my family. I’m the youngest one in the equation, yet I feel like I’m the only rational thinking adult. To say that life has gotten harder since she died would be an understatement. Life hasn’t only gotten harder, it’s gotten down right unbearable. Every day is a struggle to keep my composure and not show the world what is truly hiding behind my crumbling facade. I haven’t gone to a therapist but I’m almost positive that at any second I could fall victim to a mental breakdown. Shelby Nicole Miracle = a ticking time bomb. When I was making violent threats and smiling through my vicious words, my cousin let me know that I was creeping her out and she could tell how serious I was. I’m not stable enough to make jokes about physical violence; if I say it you better believe me. I don’t even know what I’m getting at. Any time I plan on writing about my mother I go into a rant about how crazy her death has made me. As if it wasn’t already obvious.
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“I would love to hear about it!” “You will.”
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My phone is dying. My flowers are dying. My willpower is dying. My mind is dying. I am dying. Just like my electronics, I need to be charged. I need to be plugged in. Not to a cord feeding me energy in the form of electricity, but into the world around me feeding me energy in the form of experience. I need to open up, to go for it, to take off. All I can seem to do is think, and mope, and think, and cry, and think, and sleep, and think just a little bit more. I'm constantly in my head, that's why I can't be in the world around me. Unfortunately I've got a little money coming my way, maybe I'll plan a trip to Asia where I can get $0.75 beer and rent motorbikes for $7 a day. Or maybe I'll go to Norway where everything is 10x the price of what it is in America. Or maybe I'll just stay here, thinking about which plan of action I should take....
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On the bright side, a new person has started making an appearance in my life. In the online sense anyway. He’s cute, dark hair & eyes. He’s a comedian, he travels. He’s 39. All perfect qualities in my eyes. He started talking to me first, sending me pictures of his tour/vacation. He sent me good morning messages and his condolences for mother. He even trusted me enough to send me the rough draft of his unpublished book. He’s making plans to do a show in Kentucky, or so he says. I wanna fuck him.
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And just as quickly as it began, my obsession is over. My Aries Venus is showing. His isn’t. Clingy, emotional, stubborn, annoying: all the signs of a Taurus sun, which he is. I can’t stand it. He was there, I wanted attention, he gave it to me. That’s where it should have ended. But it didn’t. Honestly, we are extremely sexually compatible. He does everything I love and I even cuddle him afterward. But that’s not enough to make me hang on with 1,200 miles between us. I’m annoyed. “I started getting attention from another person and now I dread getting attention from you” is what I want to say to him. I want it to be over, but we have mutual friends and we are even going to be in a wedding together. If we could keep it casual and fuck when he comes to Kentucky that would be perfect. But alas, he’s sensitive and I’m cold and this is going to end in an explosion.
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"hey sexy" "I was just about to text you!"
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Serendipity
What the fuck am I getting myself into? This is so not like me.... One night together turned into four. Four nights together turned into speaking on the phone for hours every day and night since he went back to Colorado. I’ve never acted like this in my entire life but something about it seems so natural. How did he swoop in from 1,240.2 miles away and turn me into such a lovesick puppy? I EVEN CUDDLED HIM. I don’t cuddle. And I DON’T spend more than one night with anyone. This was so sudden. For a day or so I was ready to jump into this, but now my usual anxiety is back and I feel like he’s playing with me. I don’t like to be the underdog. I always want the upper hand. But right now I feel like he has it, I feel vulnerable. I also feel like I’m not getting enough attention and with him being almost 18 hours away that doesn’t seem to be changing any time soon. Today he said he was horny so I told him he could get it from anywhere as long as he didn’t find another wife. He asks me if I mean we can do it in the park, I say sure that’s exactly what I meant. He says he knows what I meant and that’s what he likes about me. I want him to be happy and satisfied but I want to be the cause of those things. I like him a lot, and he knows how hard it is for me to admit that. He says he’s helping me become sweeter, I think he’s telling the truth. I’m unemotional and he’s bringing them out in me. This was unexpected and unwelcome but it’s turning into something that makes me so happy. I needed a new person to love me and now I might have found one....
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Yesterday my niece told me that she thinks my mom makes the moon come out at night. I agree.
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