zarasu

[zarasu]

One sketch of Xie Lian at the Small Shop of Chance Encounters!

[zarasu]

If u want to write a story about a character that’s just you but hotter with a dark twisted backstory and magical powers and a pet falcon or something, I think u should just go ahead and do that. Who’s gonna stop you? The government?? Fuck the police.

[zarasu]

Another snippet of peach blossom prince, the hualian long fic I'm writing on!

[zarasu]

One of the stranger things about training brand new nurses is explaining how to min max small talk. It feels very weird to coach people on how to chat.

[zarasu]

everyone get unemployed. i will provide for us.

[zarasu]

Grandmas were so right about puzzles and knitting and crocheting and solitaire and reading slow and slippers and baking and watching deer in the backyard send post

[zarasu]

yes the house is haunted AF.

[zarasu]

Gentle calamity.

Luo Binghe finding out things about his shizun. (And himself.)

the vibes of heavily-toasted lbh face-planting into love.

[zarasu]

[zarasu]

Material resistance: Introductory lecture (18+)

that's it, that's a whole chapter in one post!

DISCLAIMER: This chapter contains smoking, swearing, and discussion of sex work. All erha characters belong to Meatbun, and yours truly owns nothing, promotes nothing, is responsible for nothing except her two cats, and advises you to never try any of this at home. Especially the engineering degree stuff. It killed a lot.

Now I'm taking a two-weeks brake to prepare the next chapter!

In a meantime, if you want to support this silly project: I have boosty (en, ru) and tribute (mostly ru, but I guess I can translate stuff there too). Thank you for your time, I will return with new gifts, ahaha❤️

[zarasu]

Shen Yuan transmigrates into PIDW as a "vine demon" (read: hentai tentacle monster) and of course at first he is very much Not Pleased with this development.

Vine demons in PIDW basically only ever served one role in the story, and it was to sexily accost one of the protagonist's wives until the protagonist himself could come along and hack them to bits. Usually only after the wife in question had been sufficiently debauched, but not actually violated. This is not a role Shen Yuan wants to have for a variety of reasons, some of which are plainly obvious and others that have to do with his great big bag of repression. Man has more issues than a library with a robust magazine subscription service, after all.

But it is what it is, and hey, PIDW is also the land of weirdly intriguing monster world-building. Vine demons might have been one-note wonders in the novel itself, but turn them into fully-fledged creatures with three dimensional lives and they get a lot more interesting.

Like, turns out that a completely mature vine demon is sort of like the central hub of an entire plant network. Shen Yuan can root extensions of himself into suitable locations and these plants will gather energy for him and provide him with information about their surroundings, though mostly it has to do with the air and soil quality, the weather, and the presence of any large beasts that have been trampling them lately. Newer plants can only give extremely basic feedback, but more mature specimens can be imbued with demonic energy and reshaped to gain upgrades like eyesight, varying degrees of locomotion, defensive skills, and of course the notorious aphrodisiac and porn trope abilities.

Which do serve a purpose beyond fanservice, of course. The goal of a vine demon's network is to acquire as much energy as it can, transmute it in a form of energy preferable to the demon itself, and then convert that energy into power for its cultivation. Actual individual vine demons are not very common, they require a lot of energy to reproduce in a way that's not simply an extension of their existing selves, and their juvenile state is very vulnerable as it has to acquire energy on its own before it can begin to form its own networks. But if they can make it to adulthood they can cultivate into some of the most ancient and powerful demons around, and are almost impossible to destroy as they can regenerate themselves from any of their extensions, which can be spread out all across the realms.

So most of the vine demons being aggressively destroyed by the protagonist in PIDW were just extensions of one central, perverted vine demon. Good to know!

Shen Yuan is still not all that interested in playing the role of local hentai monster himself. He's a pretty powerful vine demon, and frankly he'd rather just reduce the rate of his power consumption by cutting back his extensive plant network a little (reduce upkeep costs) and focusing on doing stuff like devouring spiritual grasses or locating places with a lot of natural power and just soaking it up, while his main body enjoys the privileges of being a powerful demon and tours around the demon realm, cataloging all the interesting creatures he comes across.

The system, however, requires he facilitate the plot and help lead Luo Binghe to his great success. Shen Yuan is sure the protagonist doesn't need his help to seduce women, but the system is unreasonable, so with his newfound existence on the line he packs his little leaf bags and instructs some of his vine monster extensions from the human realm to head in the general direction of a great big (dangerously spicy) power nexus in the human realms, which would logically be the most powerful sect and the Tian Gong mountains where the Ling Xi caves are.

Right?

Well, slight miscalculation, as Shen Yuan's plant minions actually end up congregating at Bailu mountain, where Tianlang Jun is imprisoned. Some get caught and killed by patrolling Huan Hua cultivators, but a few others make it to where the former Junshang is chilling under several tons of rock. Shen Yuan only manages to figure out what's gone wrong just in time to stop his minions from uh, trying to eat Luo Binghe's father. Which. Would not be good! There's a very distraught snake monster involved also, and Shen Yuan feels kind of bad about the misunderstanding.

He heads to Cang Qiong himself while leaving his plants to just kind of, chill in the mountain and avoid getting slaughtered by cultivators for a bit, while he figures out what -- if anything -- he should do about that end of things. The Snake monster seems to be trying really hard to convince one of his plant minions to help harvest some mushroom seeds for it, though it's hard to tell since the plant minions tend to be singularly fixated on other plants in the area and it could just be that the mushrooms seem important because they're clearly high in spiritual energy. Frankly the minions aren't smart, there could be an entire string quartet in the cave as well and they wouldn't notice unless one of the musicians had tasty spiritual energy!

Shen Yuan debates the pros and cons of letting his minions eat mystery shrooms while he infiltrates Cang Qiong in person, carefully finding and slipping past all of the wards until he can finally get into the Ling Xi caves and plant a root there.

He's lucky. One of the reasons the vine demons would show up basically anywhere the author wanted some dubcon bondage to happen is because they're actually difficult to notice if they're not actively hunting. Shen Yuan's minions don't give off the telltale signs of demonic energy until they're in attack or defensive modes. Dormant, they can stick around and just slowly siphon the energy from the caves, and as long as he doesn't leaven like hundreds of them there, it's unlikely anyone will notice them. They'll just seem like regular plants, or maybe proto spirit grasses that the cultivators will want to leave alone for a while and watch develop, in case they turn into anything useful for grinding into a pill at some point.

Shen Yuan leaves plenty behind just in case, then hightails it back out of the danger zone and breathes a sigh of relief. For good measure he plants a few other extensions around the mountain range on his way out. Leaving plant minions in a location is like installing listening devices and cameras, he manages to get a spy network installed in a cultivation sect with a surprising lack of difficulty.

Wow! It's probably a good thing that vine demons are pretty rare and generally uninterested in politics or really anything other than their personal survival and growth. Turns out they are really over-powered.

Anyway, Shen Yuan leaves his new network to grow and flourish and subtly spy on the protagonist and the current main setting of the plot for him, and then decides what the heck, if random snake monster wants to eat some mushrooms, let's eat some mushrooms. He instructs his minions to get some spore-seed-things (one of them gets absolutely decimated by the ambient spiritual energy in the process) and give some to their new buddy, and then lets Vine Minion no.1209 eat the rest itself.

This proves... interesting.

Vine Minion no.1209 grows a whole new extension. This extension is a human-like body with Shen Yuan's own face and a huge amount of raw spiritual power. The body also has the full range of senses that a human body would. Shen Yuan can sink his consciousness into it to such a degree that he has to find a place to stash his actual main body and it safely go dormant while he does, because otherwise he can't actually split his focus well at all.

The end result feels a bit like teleporting. One moment he's a vine demon outside of Cang Qiong, the next he's staring through human eyes (wow he had almost not completely registered that his senses were EXTREMELY different since transmigrating) at a wide-eyed snake monster.

Through some flailing and awkward attempts at communicating, the snake monster leads Shen Yuan (now in awesome human-like cultivator body! Yes!!) back to Tianlang Jun, and between the three of them they figure out that the question on the table is, can Shen Yuan use his vine demon energy transmutation abilities to use the Sun-Dew Mushroom seeds to grow TLJ a body that's actually compatible with his demon nature, and free him from his prison?

Shen Yuan is sure that freeing TLJ isn't on the plot's agenda, but he's not enough of a bastard to just leave the guy there in the dark with a mountain on top of him either. The system doesn't try and stop him either. So he figures, fuck it, and uses the seeds and a sample of TLJ's blood to grow him a new body.

Good news -- this body successfully comes out demonic! Unlike Shen Yuan's shiny new human cultivator style body. He basically manages to spawn Tianlang Jun a vine demon body that has enough resonance with his Heavenly Demon nature for his blood parasites to transplant the soul/consciousness from his original body to the new one.

Bad news -- he gets infected with Tianlang Jun's parasites in the process, which means he has to help the former Junshang get his shit back in order on pain of, well, pain until his own network can isolate and kill all of the parasites, which is a slow process because they're over-powered immortal protagonist god bugs. Also, Tianlang Jun hijacking Shen Yuan's internal network basically lets him listen in on it also, which the guy apparently LOVES because he's been bored of his skull for the past decade just lying in the dark listening to his own body decompose.

Also, TLJ's new body looks roughly like a twelve-year-old demon kid, rather than a fully grown adult with a son (albeit unknown) of his own. And TLJ insists that Shen Yuan also make a new body for Zhuzhi Lang, since this is so incredible, which means Zhuzhi Lang also gets baked into a new preteen shape.

Shen Yuan has his hands full helping TLJ and ZZL escape Huan Hua Palace territory and then navigate the human world beyond it. Not that he himself knows all that much more about wandering random human settlements in the PIDW world. He decides to pose as a wandering cultivator with two young disciples, with the hardest part being hiding the demonic traits on TLJ and ZZL's new bodies.

Well, at least he's beaten the possibility of more heavenly demons turning up where they're not supposed to. Despite TLJ and ZZL retaining some of their original demonic traits, they're both vine demons now, which might still put them in the running of "incredibly over-powered" beings in PIDW, but is definitely a tier below where they were before. Plus, having helpers is kind of handy for when he needs to divert his attention back to his full vine demon network, as the human body tends to take so much focus that it's an on-or-off situation. Either he's piloting his cultivatorsona around, or he's doing the demonic plant network thing, but he can't do both.

Which means that his not-so-young "disciples" have to watch his catatonic body for him while he's busy elsewhere. At least they seem pretty decent about it, especially Zhuzhi Lang, who diligently stands guard (TLJ on the other hand tends to let his consciousness follow Shen Yuan along so he can spy on Cang Qiong).

Shen Yuan debates telling TLJ about Luo Binghe. But he doesn't know how he would explain it, or how it might impact that plot, so instead he holds off. Tianlang Jun and Zhuzhi Lang seem to be under the impression that he deliberately came to help them, and that he's got some grand scheme to help bring Huan Hua Palace down as well, and he's not sure what they'll do if they learn otherwise. They are very (understandably) pissed at Huan Hua. But Binghe needs it for the plot!

Anyway. His plant minions aren't completely idle in Cang Qiong territory. Even when he's not paying attention to them, they're gathering energy and keeping sort of internal records about changes in their environment (admittedly, this doesn't always tell him much about what the people are doing, but they do at least notice when people pass by and can imprint snippets of sound, so they're not a total bust as spies). When Shen Yuan is paying attention, which is generally at night (he doesn't need much sleep), he can observe a lot of the goings-on himself and move his minions around to better locations if possible/needed.

Most of his minions are on Qiong Ding and Qing Jing, of course. He avoids Qian Cao as having the cultivators most likely to recognize seemingly-innocuous plants as something Else, but over time he spreads a few more seeds out to the other peaks. Partly to keep his bases covered, partly so he can distract Tianlang Jun with shit like the pangolins on Wan Jian or listening in as the maiden flowers of Xian Shu talk about yellow books like it's their life's calling.

Of course, Shen Yuan interferes with Luo Binghe as well. He can't help it. The poor protagonist bun doesn't deserve to be so miserable! There's not much Shen Yuan can do, but he gets away with what he thinks are subtle acts of assistance. Tripping some bullies on a vine here and there. Smuggling fruits and healing herbs into the woodshed. Providing a little boost of spiritual energy here or there, to help with Binghe's struggling cultivation and subsequent pain and injuries. Using some vines to untangle a particular lost pendant from some branches, and ferry it back to the woodshed as well, being careful not to wake its rightful owner as they deposit it into his palm. Catching a few rampaging demons before they can attack young disciples. That sort of thing.

Shen Yuan even finds himself intervening in the situation of Liu Qingge's qi deviation again, restraining the peak lord with the network of now-quite-robust plants in the Ling Xi caves, binding him tight and siphoning off his disrupted energy. Shen Yuan is trying very hard not to think about how much he's playing the roll of a PIDW-typical vine demon as he snakes a tendril down Liu Qingge's throat, but it's to feed him qi! To fix the deviation! He's not sucking him dry, and credit where it's due, feeding energy to prospective victims does not come naturally to vine demons and he has to figure the whole thing out on the spot!

And then he has to do basically the same thing to Shen Qingqiu, who is also having a qi deviation! What the fuck!

Unfortunately, saving two Peak Lords is conspicuous -- despite the chaos and the chance that neither of them should remember much of what happened, figures convenient amnesia tropes would fail Shen Yuan right when he needed them. The peak lords opt to misremember the incident as both of them being attacked by the vines, that's gratitude for you, and figure this is all part of the elaborate demon invasion situation and burn out his entire Ling Xi network.

Shen Yuan gets the fright of his life when Luo Binghe even manages to track down his actual main body just outside of Cang Qiong, with the help of Meng Mo's advice. Luckily the young protagonist just seems curious, and the Shen Yuan's embarrassment, reveals that he had in fact noticed the random varieties of plant life that seemed determined to lend him a hand. He even thinks Shen Yuan is some type of benevolent helper! Well, that's better than "horrible pervert plant to be killed on sight", so he'll take it!

Also, it turns out that there seems to be... another vine demon infiltrating Cang Qiong? An Ding peak, specifically. Shen Yuan would suspect a dropped plot involving Shang Qinghua, notorious traitor to the demons, but he gets a vibe off of the system notifications when his plant minions make contact with Other Vine Demon's minions. Which at first seem determined to run him out of dodge, before they seem to also decide the better of it and back off.

Tentative ceasefire and overtures of contact are made. Shen Yuan discovers that there's another transmigrator in a similar position -- died then woke up as a PIDW vine demon, tasked with keeping the general shape of the plot on track, etc. Except this guy's base of operations remains in the demon realms, and he's been keeping the future Mobei Jun from biting the dust, patching over other plotholes on that end of the equation, and spying on the major sects for the demons in collusion with Shang Qinghua and some non-literal plants in Huan Hua.

Shen Yuan starts to hatch a plan. According to Other Vine Demon Guy, part of his system-mandated quests involve arranging the Immortal Alliance conference. Shen Yuan also has to be present for that, in order to ensure that Luo Binghe makes it to the Abyss without dying on the way, and that other vital characters like Shen Qingqiu and presumably Binghe's wives survive the dangerous scenario as well. It seems the transmigrators are being used to patch over situations from the novel that simply had such terrible survival odds, there's no way they'd proceed without outside assistance.

But this means Shen Yuan can meet up with Other Vine Demon at the conference, they can work together to meet the system's demands, and then -- hopefully -- Shen Yuan can get Other Vine Demon to take Zhuzhi Lang and Tianlang Jun to the demon realms. Fact is, the more time passes the more clear it becomes that they need to get out of range of human cultivators, as TLJ and ZZL figure out how to master their new styles of demonic cultivation. Plus Shen Yuan is almost rid of TLJ's last remaining blood parasites, and as TLJ can no longer make new ones, this means he'll finally be free to shake his hangers-on loose and focus on getting things ready for Luo Binghe's return from the Abyss.

The IAC plot goes down about as smoothly as possible. With Other Vine Demon's help, Shen Yuan sets up a bunch of plant minions in Jue Di Gorge, and when the abyssal rift starts opening he's even able to run interference and keep too many of the young competitors from getting killed outright. He follows Luo Binghe's group, vines emerging from the shadows to assist, and even ends up using his main body to prevent several creatures from killing vital characters until the Black Moon Python-Rhino turns up to break Luo Binghe's seal.

It's even a good opportunity for him to feed by devouring a lot of the attacking demons!

Of course, there are downsides. Shen Qingqiu manages to sneak up on and slice the shit out of his main body, which is really quite painful. Tianlang Jun and Zhuzhi Lang don't stay behind to watch his catatonic cultivator body and instead get involved, which is dangerous and ill-advised. Luo Binghe absolutely loses his shit in a way he didn't even manage to during PIDW, acting weirdly jealous of his father and cousin at first, then going fully feral and just straight up trying to murder Shen Qingqiu until Shen Qingqiu knocks him and Shen Yuan's main body into the Abyss. Asshole. On top of it, Shen Yuan's unattended human cultivatorsona gets captured by Huan Hua palace investigators who declare him a suspicious person in light of the whole debacle and throw him into the water prison!

So that's. All very bad.

But the system seems happy. Shen Yuan is tasked, in the Abyss, with helping Luo Binghe get to Xin Mo in one piece (well, one frequently regenerated piece), which he supposes is more convenient than just hoping the heavenly demon blood and Meng Mo will be enough assistance. Other Vine Demon is able to converse with one of Shen Yuan's remaining plant minions in Jue Di Gorge for long enough to establish that he'll look after TLJ and ZZL, before cultivators show up and Shen Yuan's minion gets chopped up. Shen Yuan's human body seems to get mostly forgotten in Huan Hua's water prison, but that's fine, he wouldn't be able to pay it that much attention while he's in the Abyss anyway. He just puts it into a meditative state and lets it focus on cultivating automatically.

A lot of his plant minions in the human realm got wiped out, leaving most of the remaining ones in various villages that he and TLJ and ZZL visited on their travels (good backups, but nothing fancy) and some on Qing Jing peak. Shen Yuan focuses on regrowing the ones on Qing Jing so that if need be, he can regenerate his main body there, and reunite with Luo Binghe in a place he's certain the protagonist will return to.

Although after they're out of the Abyss, Binghe might not want to ever see him again, given the crazy stuff that's been going on! Please, it's not Shen Yuan's fault he's a walking smut trope! Every time he has to intervene, it's like something out of a cheesy hentai. The protagonist is injured and needs energy? Here, have some vines invading your orifices! Protagonist has fallen off of a cliff? Lets entangle him in the most erotic post possible to save him! Nights are cold and dangerous? Nothing says sharing energy with your mentor figure like letting him practice tentacle-shibari on you! Vicious succubi are not taking 'no' for an answer? Guess Shen Yuan will just have to string them up and drink them dry!

It's so awkward, it even seems to be throwing Luo Binghe off of his harem-building game, as the protagonist turns down every woman he had picked up in PIDW. At least the system doesn't dock Shen Yuan points for that. Well, the Abyss wives were the worst of the bunch anyway, they won't be missed. Though, Binghe should really be careful about how he explains that Shen Yuan's vines are good at helping him regulate his spiritual energy -- declarations about "his master's tendrils" and his comments about how Shen Yuan can used whatever orifice he'd like could really be taken the wrong way!

It's even going to Shen Yuan's own head a bit. The Abyss must be getting to him, dragging him into a more demonic mindset. How else to explain the way he'll look at a trussed-up Binghe and catch himself licking his lips???

The sooner they're out, the sooner everything can go back to normal and they can forget this whole weird ordeal!

[zarasu]

If you just wanted to express your thoughts, feel free to ignore this, but I'm gonna add my two cents.

I think starting new isn't really about discovering some big, hidden talent or discovering your true purpose in life. In fact, most people don't change their jobs or start new because they found their calling.

We had a retired older woman start as a cashier at my workplace a while ago because she simply wanted to earn some extra money. She was doing something different before, I don't know what, but suddenly she was faced with a lot of new challenges. But more than that, she discovered how nice the team was and found a lot of new acquaintances and friends there. She got to know the trials and tribulations of working in customer service and discovered something new.

At the hospital my mom works at, an older guy started working as a doctor. He started studying medicine when he was 40. It wasn't a big calling there either, he just was interested in it and then decided to go through with it.

My dad's office hired a woman in her late thirties who had only ever been a stay at home mom up to this point. She was really nervous the first few months, but slowly started gaining confidence as time went on.

My point is, none of these people are special in any way. They started something new because of some circumstances in their life or because they didn't have anything better to do. But, because they did, they're learning new things, they're growing and changing and becoming bigger.

In the end, I don't think life is really anything other than tending to your plants (or killing them), maybe having a pet or two, looking at pretty flowers and driving just slightly over the speed limit while listening to your favourite music. A famous musician's life isn't better or more special than your average cashier's life. They both just do their work and then listen to music and water their plants, and so on.

They're different, it's true. But then, so are the lives of a teacher and a construction worker. Starting anew isn't really about becoming better, it's really just about trying something different. And you don't need to be especially talented or gifted to do that. You can enjoy the different sides life has to offer just by making a bit of a change.

Anyway, this is just me rambling, but I think it's the little things that make life special and you don't have to be a visionary or a genius to appreciate those, you can just be a normal person.

everyone says you can always restart. that your future isn't forgotten, just sort of misplaced. they name actors and singers and authors who started at 46, 59. they cite chappell roan's 10 years. they tell you to push and push, that some day you'll open a door and the truth will be behind it.

but what if you aren't a celebrity in sheep's clothing. what if you're just a normal person. most people aren't exceptionally talented or else talent wouldn't be exceptional - right? what if you're just another median person; not ever startlingly bad nor terrifyingly good.

you put the shopping carts back and you walk your dog and you write poems on the internet. you have grown a plant or two; killed a few others. you did okay, overall, and you've been okay most of your life. not valedictorian, but you were a smart kid. you had some hard knocks, but you got up again. your life is just - average. you probably will never sing onstage at coachella. most of the time you are at peace with that - someone needs to drive the speed limit. life isn't about extraordinary circumstances, it's just about building a life you love and figuring out how to live in it.

but you would like to feel as if you'd found "the answer." everyone else seems to have some kind of talent they are born nesting in - and meanwhile you just exist. is that why you cycle through crafts and hobbies and activities like a roulette wheel? are you waiting for the moment where it turns out - all this time, you've been a visionary. a genius. all this time, you were special. even you: someone who has-never-been.

crawling up your throat: something bitter and savage. not quite a feeling of wasted potential. after all, you need to first have potential in order to waste it.

[zarasu]

Little snippet from the long hualian fic I'm writing, Peach Blossom Prince.

Warning for hualian having no healthy boundaries, maybe?

~*~

Xie Lian stared up into the shadows pooling in the crooks and crannies of his bed’s ceiling and said, “I don't know if I–”

Like, is what he meant to say, but that wasn't quite true. It was more accurate to say, “I think I fear who I'm becoming.”

Next to him, Hua Cheng turned towards him, half of his face hidden in the sheets, and looked at him with his dark brows furrowed attentively. “What do you mean?”

“This… greediness,” Xie Lian said hesitantly. “The selfishness and the jealousy. I've never felt like this before, certainly never acted like it. I was taught that these aren't good qualities to have, that good people aren't greedy or selfish or jealous. And yet, you keep encouraging me again and again.”

“I like it,” Hua Cheng said softly, his eyes dark and melty. “I love it when you take what you want, I love it when you want. And if the thing you want is me, how could I not encourage you?”

Xie Lian covered his eyes with a hand and groaned. “You're not a thing, though, and I shouldn't treat you like it.”

With a rustle, Hua Cheng suddenly sat up and swung his leg over Xie Lian to sit on his hips. He leaned forward and took the hand lying over Xie Lian’s eyes into his own. Finally, he lifted it to gently kiss the thumb.

“Why not,” he asked, “when being your plaything, your treasure, your possession makes me the happiest I've ever been? By all means, Your Highness, possess me selfishly, jealously. Rage at me if I talk to other people too nicely and I’ll fall to my knees and gladly beg for forgiveness. Shackle me and I’ll only tighten the chains. There's no need for respect between us.”

He seemed to interpret the resulting silence and Xie Lian’s wide-eyed expression the wrong way, because he abruptly changed tracks. “But if Your Highness is afraid…” From one second to the other, something about him became predatory and he dragged a hand from Xie Lian’s belly to his chest to watch with greedy eyes how the soft flesh dipped under his fingertips. “I could be the one taking, for once. Who could blame Your Highness for submitting to my advances if I push you so boldly, barely leaving you a choice? If I cornered you in dark hallways to take my pleasure, if I forced you–”

Lightning-quick, Xie Lian reached out and grabbed the hand on his chest. “No,” he said firmly. “I won’t have you take all the blame for something we both want. If you want to… to be the one taking, then we can do that. But only with my permission. I won’t allow you to turn yourself into a villain to relieve my guilty conscience.”

With his next breath, all the predatory tension left Hua Cheng and he turned small and uncertain. It wasn’t hard to tip him over and spill him back onto the bed.

“You don’t dislike what we’ve been doing, then?” he asked quietly.

“No,” Xie Lian answered and grabbed his wrist, holding it tightly and securely. “No, that’s the reason I’m afraid, don’t you see? I like it way too much.”

[zarasu]

There’s No Such Thing as Bottoms, You Worthless Fucking Sheep 

If you spend any time in online transfem communities, you may have come across the phrase ‘top shortage’ - and if you spend a lot of time online, you may have gotten into arguments about this phrase.  During one of these arguments, a friend of mine posted a thinkpiece called “Top or Bottom: How Do We Desire?” published in The New Inquiry.  “How Do We Desire?” is written about the gay male community specifically - and while some portions, like George Dusts’s comment that “If I talk about a "top shortage" what I am saying is "nobody is fucking me the way I want, and I have no agency in that” are punchy and thus semi-frequently quoted, there are driving forces at work that are particular to transfem people that this article doesn’t mention.  

If you’re a trans person that spent a significant period of their life not knowing about or dealing with your gender shit, there are good odds that you felt deeply uncomfortable being seen as a man - and even more uncomfortable with the possibility of being seen as a creepy man.  Even cisgender men don’t like being seen as creepy or pushy, but if you’re trans and closeted, it feels even worse.  To avoid this, you develop a certain passivity - you never make the first move.  If you’re not sure if someone’s flirting with you, you just do the safe thing and assume they’re not.  You let other people take the lead. 

This category of Creepiness Avoidance Behaviors doesn’t go away just because a person comes out or starts hormones.  In fact, as an out transfem person, acting in a way that people might perceive as embodying Male Creepiness feels even more bad than when you still identified as male. Sexual desire, of course, also persists through transition for most people.  But in a new social context, on the road to being a very different type of person, and surrounded with others that are going on similar journeys, how does one express this desire? 

For a lot of people, the answer is the Archetypal Bottom (AB) The hallmarks of the AB are the stereotyping of those that penetrate as being forward, outgoing, and ‘active’, and those that are penetrated as shy, unwilling to make the first move, and ‘passive’ - and, most importantly, this framework is based on the idea that topping or bottoming is a identity, rather than an action; that bottoming or topping is something that someone is, rather than something that a person does sometimes.  The key reason why so many early-transition transfem people express sexual frustration because of a percieved ‘top shortage’ is the AB identity is not a genuine and clear communication of actual desire: rather, it is what happens when one’s attempts to express one’s desire are stymied by remnant insecurities and fears.

Sex is a deeply communicative activity, and requires active engagement and expression of desire from everyone involved.  Being good at bottoming is a skill that needs to be actively performed.  More importantly, people have the capacity to change over time - but people are also constantly shaped by the expectations of those around them.  By framing topping and bottoming as identities that are intrinsic and unchangeable, we leave no room for people to grow and change, and, like all binaries, we exclude those that aren’t well described by either category. 

This is the reason that I decided to keep the original title of this essay.  It is possible that some readers may be bottoms, have always been comfortable being bottoms, and will always continue to be bottoms - and that’s fine!  But that doesn’t make them ‘bottoms’ - it makes them people that like to bottom.  Bottoms aren’t real, and neither are tops.  To a person whose desires are consistent and unchanging, the difference may be inconsequential.  But to a trans audience, the importance of being allowed to change over time should be extremely intuitive.  Framing this as a set of different roles that a person can fluidly step in or out of rather than an inherent and unchangeable part of one’s identity leaves room for people to evolve if they want to.

The good news about the mythical ‘top shortage’ is that it exists largely as a mirage, and can be dispelled fairly easily by following these guidelines: 

Whatever your preferred sexual role, communicate directly and clearly, early and often.  If you’re interested in someone, say so.  They might not reciprocate - be ready to handle this without making it the other person’s problem. 

Expand your idea of what sex can be.  Can a bottom have sex with another bottom?  I don’t know - everyone’s different!  But you can figure this out by following rule one.  Talk about what feels good, and what you like and don’t like doing.

Avoid stereotyping and pigeonholing at all costs.  Being shy, bad at ordering at restaurants or hesitant to make eye contact aren’t ‘bottom behaviors’.  The only thing that is a bottom behavior is enjoying bottoming. 

Update your assumptions frequently.  Leave the people around you room to change.  Leave yourself room to change. 

[zarasu]

Villain: YOU WILL NEVER STOP ME!

Shen Qingqiu: As if some cannon fodder villain can take on a Peak Lord

Shang Qinghua: Bro, I'm also here!

Shen Qingqiu: Fine, 1.5 Peak Lords

Villain: BUT WHAT IF YOU ARE FACED WITH YOUR BIGGEST FEARS?!

A table filled with paperwork appears

Shen Qingqiu, side-eyeing Shang Qinghua: Seriously?

Shang Qinghua: Bro, you will never know the sheer terror of having two deadlines come up simultaneously

Villain: HOW ABOUT THIS!

Luo Binghe appears

Shen Qingqiu: Oh no

Shang Qinghua: Since when are you afraid of your husband?

Shen Qingqiu: That's not any Binghe, I can see it in his eyes. He's straight

Fake Luo Binghe: I only love Shizun platonically

Shen Qingqiu: You monster!

Villain: Can two different Peak Lords with real fears come after me instead?