zero-insignificance

[zero-insignificance]

DND RECAP: Self Reflection

Cast Includes: Rose the DM, Yours truly (Bob and Alfie), Cream (Cassiandris and vice DM), Rascal (Zara and the Cat Girls), Brick (Truk and Bragar) and Digi (Mark of Haus Brisket)

First of all ALFIE GOT A REDESIGN!

Elizaria entrusts Astrea’s soul in Alfie’s care. He steven universes it to his pocket dimension. He has so many precautions. One of which is a pendant he left with La’far that he has to say a code word to gain access to. The code word is “Home diggity doggy doo” and Alfie hates saying it. She thinks it’s funny. The pendant isn’t required to enter his soul chamber. It is required to leave.

Zara stumbles over the sewer grate leading to her tunnels and Cassiandris asks one of us to lift the lid.

Bragar tries to pick it up with one hand, and fails. Alfie is like “dammit lift with your knees not your back” and Bragar lifts with both hands and his knees and succeeds.

Cassiandris sent out a duplicate ahead of the party.

As far as Zara and Truk are aware the only things done to the catacombs are renovations.

The walls are lined with skulls

And there’s a door.

And Zara can hear hearts beating and machinery churning.

*whirl churn whirl churn whirl churn*

And she opens the door and we see a machine

And Zara is overwhelmed with the power of 3 demigods.

Zara is terrified. This is the handiwork of The Lady. She lurches away.

Alfie softly goes “oh” and Zara shouts for Alfie to come over to her and he guides her through some breathing exercises.

And after pulling herself together she examines the machine. And she sees the remaining siblings cut apart and fused into the machine. Still alive. This is the divinity machine.

“She always talked about it… The divinity machine. I never thought she’d do it…”

Like this.

Alfie and Bob are examining it in an autistic clinical sense. Bob especially loves finding out how stuff works and he is fascinated in a morbid grotesque way.

We’re told to role perception. And those who get above a 20 see the massive mirror on the eastern wall. Zara investigates the mirror and is told to roll investigation. Nat 20. There’s nothing wrong. Except for her face. They’re not showing any emotions.

Zara tries to move forward and Cassiandris grabs her. Cassiandris’s reflection isn’t moving Cassiandris smacked the mirror with her sword. The mirror is shattered Rose: I so love it when you help me, Soda.

And Alfie face palms so hard it knocks his hat off. Bob took off one of his pins. Alfie pockets his hat and pulls his hair into a messy but still aesthetic bun (He’s been letting his curls grow out for the last 50 years so it’s down to his booty). This way Bob and Alfie both can tell they are them.

The clones have such names as “not zstinky” for Zara, “Fake Twink” for Bob, “Merk the merkenary” for Mark, “Alphie” for Alfie, “Trucker” for Truk, “Plastic Bag” for Bragar, and “fake Card” for Cassiandris on the owl bear map.

Mark tackles Merk into another room and they’re just aura farming. Mark is critiquing Merks fighting style. (digi couldn’t attend session 2 of the fight) Cassiandris uses her new magic item. And Fake Twink and Merk have slow cast on them.

And Cassaindris shreds her clone as Bob does the guitar riff from thunderstruck and we watch as the false cassy shatters into glass.

Not Zara sees this and gears up a 8th level spell. Everyone hears something tailored to them. Bragar hears screams of the fallen soldiers of Russia. And it is crushing. He’s the only one to fail.

Alfie hears the screams of the last attack on Ponyville Bob hears discord’s voice saying that he’s disappointed in him. Bob flips off the smoke. Truk is hearing the sounds of his parent’s screams.

We hear the sound of glass cracking from Fake Truk. And we can feel the scream more than we can hear it. He is raging. And he goes to attack Zara

Cream: Shadow martyr you’ll have to do the attack against Zara. Wait never mind, I got better uses of my reaction. And fake truk says nevermind and pulls out dazbolg. 42 to hit on Cassiandris.  Two attacks, one is critical. Divine smite.

Fake Bob and fake Bragar are slowed. And fake bob just gives fake Zara a bardic inspiration

Real Alfie walks over to where he remembers Bragar being and gives him fatherly encouragement. Advantage on the next thing they do plus 10 temporary hit points

And Then walks out of the smoke where he remembers nobody being. And casts fireball on fake Zara, Bob, Bragar and Alphie. Fake Bragar rolls two natural 1s. This gets past the fire resistance and then Rose used counterspell.

I fucking hate rose rn and i’m SO HANGRY. But at least Fake Alfie has no 9th level spell slots. 

Cut to the other party. Ingrid’s legion of bears is swarming one of Thozall’s legions like that one scene in The Fellowship where Arwen summons the water horsies.

And Truk tries to pinpoint where exactly Fake Truk is. And he knows what he sounds like and he hears a distorted version of himself but in reverse He charges and goes to tackle them

I got food finally and i'm eating when Bob's turn comes up and I'm like "hang let me finifh-"

Bob is facing off with himself and guiding bolts to his duplicate because you should really take out the supports and gives real Zara bardic inspiration.

Bragar rages. His entire body explodes in golden flame. He is a glow stick. And he roars.

He attacks Alphie. Rose tries to bitch her way out of it but takes the hit. "i teleport as a reaction" "nuhuh TELEPORTS DON'T WORK IN RUSSIA RIGHT NOW. YOU SAID SO" He slams his hammer into one side then the other. And the glass shatters and melts pooling around the clone’s feet.

Zara casts true sight and finds out that the clones have advantage on saves on spells cast by a creature other than the copied creature 

Fake Alphie casts psychic lance on Bragar and Bob and does Fatherly Glare on Truk. Frightened and 4d6 psychic as a bonus action

Cassiandris runs past Bragar doing something to undo the incapacitation and goes to attack NotZara.

Fake Alphie is desperately trying to counterspell what Cassiandris is doing. Succeeds. Bob uses Luck Point. Reroll and Alphie fails. Last 7th level spell slot wasted.

Fake Zara casts Mental Prison on Cassiandris.

Mark yeets not Mark back into the room through the wall. (Digi was here for session 3 of the fight!)

Alfie looks at his clone and goes “God I haven’t looked that dead inside since I was an alcoholic.”

What Cassiandris saw was too much and she is knocked out. Slowed and silence are dropped. (Soda wasn’t feeling good at the start of session 3 of this damn fight)

The fight stops as the Napsack lashes out some tentacles and slowly drags Cassiandris’s unconscious body into its gaping maw. Reminder that the Napsack is a subspecies of Mimic that feeds primarily on dreams and acts as a guard dog for the party when they are asleep inside it. The hotel section is one of two stomachs. That one is specifically for dreams. The other stomach is for meat. If you are not a friend of the party or have malicious intentions upon entering the Napsack it will just eat you.

Trucker pulls out Dazbolg. 29 to hit. MIss. The second attack hits. Truk uses Monstrous form as a reaction.

44 damage. “That the best you got?” and Trucker just stares at Truk with those empty eyes.

Fake Twink casts Tasha’s Hideous laughter. Fails.

Fake Zara and Merk get disintegrate twinspelled. Fake Zara starts melting like Gallium would in your hand turning into a puddle screaming “OH WHAT A WORLD” in shattered glass language and Merk is melting but still standing.

Bob is begrudgingly singing “I'm still standing after all this time” to the Merk clone because he’s filling in for Banjo the Frog.

Plastic Bag casts starfire havok. It hits Bragar and Alphie. They have no allegiance to each other, only to destroy us.

Truk uses Monstrous anatomy. He is going to try to grapple Trucker with his tail.

Wings rip out of his back and he takes flight and grapples him. He’s allowed to attack. Flying further up and then drops him from the ceiling, barrel rolling in the air and throws them down. 20d6. 61 damage. 

Bob looks at his clone and shouts “SO YOU’RE THE MOTHER FUCKER THAT’S BEEN RUINING MY LIFE” and chucks a level 9 guiding bolt at his clone. I have advantage because of my guiding bolt last session and the rules have been changed so we do advantage on our own clones. I got a nat 1 and a nat 20. 126 damage total.

And BOOM.

Fake twink is looking rough.

Bragar uses starfire havok on plastic bag. And his fist goes through their stomach like butter. And radiant flames burst out. Everyone in a 30 foot radius of Bragar has to roll a dex save.  That includes Alphonse, Bob and fake twink. Bragar goes “SORRY” and Bob shouts “ FORGIVE YOU I LIKE A LITTLE PAIN” Bob succeeds with a nat 20 Alphie got a nat 1.

After everything is settled not Bragar is gone. Just a puddle of glass and a dent in the ground. Fake twink is dead.

Merk got mental prisoned by Zara and explodes.

Me: I have the peaches song stuck into my head The chat: peaches peaches peachespeaches peaches- PEACHES PEACHES PEACHESPEACHES PEACHES- Digi: *belting* I LOOOOoOooOVE yuOOOOOO OH-

Alphie and Trucker are the last ones standing of the clones.

Bragar takes 18 radiant damage because sickening radience.

Mark runs past Alfie. They high five like “WE’RE BESTIES!” and then rips Alphie in half. Mark thinks an imitation of his best friend is a cardinal sin “Don’t imitate my friend”

Brick asks if Alfie and Truk can swap turns because they have something cool planned, I agree.

And Truk screams “LET ME SHOW YOU TRUE DIVINE POWER” diving down at Trucker mouth open. Not enough damage to kill Trucker and we want this done WE’VE BEEN AT THIS FIGHT FOR 3 SESSIONS and my family is going to see the minecraft movie tonight.

So we team up together and shatter the final clone.

“No one can imitate me.”

Bonus!

the notes for the campaign reached 102 pages

haha i'm the only one taking notes!

[zero-insignificance]

DND Recap: The Red Tide

Cast Includes: Rose the DM, Yours truly (Bob and Alfie), Cream (Cassiandris and vice DM), Rascal (Zara and the Cat Girls), Brick (Truk and Bragar) and Digi (Mark of Haus Brisket)

Alfie is cooking omelets, waffles, bacon and some vegan options of course. Zara is shotgunning 16 shots of espresso with a bit of sugar

Alfie asks Mark to make the orange juice.

Digi: Like padderton? Brick: PADDERTON- Me: Yes. Like Padderton. Soda: Papa Alfie makes mark squeeze juice Me: That's going in the recap. Mark is aura farming and making orange juice like paddington 2

Cassiandris bumps into Bragar

Bragar: just the person i wanted to see. I don’t know why I wanted to talk. But you wanted to talk.

Cassinadris: So you’re the light bringer now? Bragar: ye. Also if you hurt Zara i will burn you until there’s nothing left.

Zara has a headache. Mark gives her a cup of water with a bit of salt in it. Mark: look. It’s pacman. Wacka wacka. *sprays orange juice into Zara’s face* Zara: WHAT THE FUCK-

That was a joke it didn’t happen

Alfie whistles for Truk like a dog with a hunk of venison. Truk scampers in on all fours, tries to grab the venison and Alfie is like “NO. HEEL.” and Truk heels.

Zara is eating an omelet. Many years ago in russia Alfie was cooking with his own eggs cuz afab and waste not want not and Zara stole an omelet while he was wrangling a very young Truk. And started eating it

Nobody in the party, let alone russian kingdom ever questioned where the large blue mottled eggs come from every month.

Alfie: Those are my eggs. Zara: I know. Alfie: You don’t understand. I laid those. Zara: really? These are some good eggs!

Bob trudges in, hiding his slight limp very well. 

Zara keeps interjecting with “DAMN THESE ARE GOOD EGGS.”

Emere shows up, floating a foot off the ground.

Emere: Can I talk to you for a moment? Emere: I think I like Oleander Alfie: Well, Oleander is a beautiful name for whatever you wanna be. Zara: I forgot that’s a flower Bob: can i have my book back? Oleander: oh sorry- *hands the book back* Bob: *takes the book* It’s a signed copy. Such a shame I had to kill her. She knew her stuff. Zara: Why…? Bob: She was transphobic. Oleander: Understandable crashout

At one point Mark left the nap sack And then Bob gets a text from his old friend Lothrae. “Bestie I’ve arrived”

Mark watches as thousands of fey soldiers come out of the woods. 2000 of them. Commanded by Lothrae.

“We found something you might want to see.”

Truk walks up and the crowd opens, and we see 40 soldiers in a formation standing around a woman in chains bound together. A pale human figure. We see Astrea the Red Tide. Wielding no armor or sword. In simple clothing. Thozall’s Left Hand. Living and breathing. Unarmed and unarmored.

Bob: Damn talk about girl power.

Lothrea: She kind of… willingly surrendered.

Astrea has a magical Hannibal Lecter mask keeping her from speaking. Truk draws Dazbolg and puts it at her throat

And then there is a thunderous foot fall of four fire giants.

“Is this the right gathering?” “yeah this is the right gathering.” “What’s this? What’s happening? What are we doing with her? Where are we locking her up?” and Bob is like “Ultimately the decision is up to Truk.” “Lock her up? A trial? She made her choice when she sided with him.” “Who said she had a choice?” Astrea will get a trial. To prove that Truk is not like Thozal.

On the horizon there is a chanting. In russian. From what sounds like thousands. 

"Мы вернем себе наш дом. Тирани не удержится." "We will take back our home. Tyranny will not win"

Truk: They finally get to fight for their land again. Bragar: That they do.

Odin stands there as his army approaches. And next to him is an old old friend of his dad. Alfie recognizes them. Eike. And Alfie slams into him and is stimming. Definitely of Scandinavian descent.

Some of the fire giants are wearing robes with bits of armor and the Book of Lanwel.

This is Elizaria the Grand Pyre. She wants to talk to Bragar. But she can’t single him out cuz she’s so big Zara panics when Bragar leaves because she’s scared of the fey. Rose: Wait bob is fey. Is she not afraid of him? Rascal: who said she wasn’t Me: Zara is afraid of Bob, not just because he’s fey but because he has SO MUCH BLACKMAIL MATERIAL ON HER. Rascal: Yes

“I believe we have something to talk about” and Elizaria holds out her hand

Bragar climbs on and she turns to the east to the sun and Russia.

“Our mother in gold has chosen you. This is an honor, lightbringer. I think…” And then it hits him. She meant that it was an honor to meet HIM.

“It’s an honor to meet you too.” “Do you know who I am?” “Maybe?” “I am Elizaria the Grand Pyre. It is an honor but it is a weight that I'd never drop from my shoulders. I don’t know you but I know our mother in gold. But I know she has made the right decision. It is a weight but it is not a weight you bear in vain. Lightbringer… Never let go of that weight.”

Bragar is looking over the city of russia. He has a pretty good view. And Bragar looks over it and sees obvious fires all over the city.

And a white dragon flying away from the capitol.

Meanwhile Ingrid is commanding a legion of bears with the others as they evacuate people from the kingdom. Bragar: Is that a bear?

At some point Alfie snuck his cowboy hat onto Zara’s head Bob turns to Zara and goes “What do you call a gay cowboy” Zara: *fuming* Bob: A jolly rancher. Zara: *foxy jumpscare*

Bob puts Zara in air jail Zara: I FUCKING HATE GRAVITY MAGIC Bragar: What are you doing- Zara: HE MADE THE STUPID JOKE. Bob: The jolly rancher joke. Brick: Bragar scruffs Zara and throws her at Bob. Rose: Roll to hit. Brick: who's behind Bob Me: Alfie. Brick: Alfie gets hit by Zara cuz i got a natural 1. Zara is clawing and Alfie scruffs her and goes “What did I say about throwing people at other people?” Zara: IT’S YOUR STUPID TWINK’S FAULT.

Alfie grabs the spray bottle. Zara gets sprayed and scampers off.

Zara complains about her back hurting. And Alfie roundhouse kicks her spine. Centuries of back pain finally fixed.

Alfie stole an urn from Cassiandris’s family. He didn’t know them and needed some quick cash. He didn’t know it was an urn until later. Rip Great Grandma Agnes.

Astrea is staring at us Truk rolls insight. This person who embodies war. Barely a person. Always two steps ahead. One of the many reasons Russia fell. Something just feels off. Alfie rolls perception. There’s nothing here that concerns him. Which is concerning. Russia is in the same state of disarray. He knows with every fiber of his being that if something was off he’d know.

Mark covers her eyes as Truk approaches. “Casters need a line of sight.” but Alfie knows that Astrea isn’t a caster. She’s a ruthless killer. That’s all Mark knows.

Truk pulls her hair back and is about to slit her throat. A massive hand slams between them. Keeping them from killing her. “CONTROL YOURSELF KING-” She is defenseless. Those chains are antimagic. It’s a precautionary measure. She can’t do anything right now. 

There is more arguing about whether or not to give her a trial. And Alfie agrees to give her a trial. And Truk agrees. A trial will be given by Truk. And Alfie insists on being there for the trial. To make sure that Truk’s actions are not blinded by hate and instead made for the sake of justice. Alfie is of the philosophy that Hate is foolish and that love is kind. Hate is a stupid emotion.

Oleander is deep in thought, staring at Astrea. She wants to talk to her. As someone who had fallen to Thozall’s influence herself. And looks into the distance. And Mark asks what her full name is. Only then will he let her talk to him. Astrea Asedaria.

Mark goes to bob says the name and Bob doesn’t even look up from the small crochet chicken and goes “unfortunately it doesn’t work like that anymore. The rules of the universe got rewritten.” and a tiny rose just goes “I’M SORRY IT WAS UNBALANCED-” And Bob gives them a little sweater vest. It’s mozzarella stick themed. “Oh thank you”

Oleander: I was your failed project wasn’t I? Was it my mind being melded by thozall’s or was it your own? Was it you that thought to fill me with hatred? I want to show them that you are not a dog. You can be better.

And Astrea gives a small smile. Faint smirk. “I know you may not see it. I didn’t see it either. Daughter of war.”

And Astrea looks up at Oleander and smiles. “Then I am sorry for what will become of you.”

There’s an ever so silent beginning of a prayer. A gentle prayer she never learned. In a language she should not know. The first language of the gods. And Alfie and Oleander say it together. And with the final word of the prayer she casts divine word. And she blinds and deafens Astrea until it is removed by an outside force. And there’s the saddest look on Oleander’s face. Mourning. Quiet mourning. Truk puts the muzzle back on and before it latches she says “it’s been a pleasure, king” and finally the finally latch clicks.

Alfie: Do you need a hug? And Oleander doesn’t say anything. But Alfie’s dad instincts say yes they need a hug.

So Alfie hugs her tight with a rub on the back.

She is Oleander. The Hopeful Redeemer.

Oleander puts Astrea in an orb via imprisonment.

Zara and Co are planning an attack as a distraction lord of the rings style while the rest of the party sneaks in.

Alfie is making a map of the castle. Cassiandris marks down which ones are probably no go because of patrols. Zara adds an additional secret entrance that she made herself 

“Soldiers. Former soldiers of russia. Today you swear to me. You will do your best. I expect nothing less. You will defend this place one more time.” And they shout “WE WILL GIVE YOU NOTHING LESS”

“THOZALL WILL FALL. LEAVE AS MANY AS YOU CAN WOUNDED. THEY MUST ALL GET A TRIAL.”

And they chant “THOZALL WILL FALL. THOZALL WILL FALL”

Soldiers stand. Wearing a mix of armor they died in. Fresh armor. Wielding weapons both old and new. Those who would die again. Who only come back to fight again. And they chant again. We will take back our home. Tyranny will not win.

And Alfie’s voice cracks as he says how proud he is of Truk.

“Is everyone ready” “The fire giants are at your command” “The fey army stands ready” “ARE YOU READY, MY RUSSIAN SOLDIERS.”

“YEAH!” And Truk stares at the gates and shouts “ADVANCE.”

[zero-insignificance]

DND Recap: The Slaughter (magnus archives reference???????)

Cast Includes: Rose the DM, Yours truly (Bob and Alfie), Cream (Cassiandris and vice DM), Rascal (Zara and the Cat Girls), Brick (Truk and Bragar) and Digi (Mark of Haus Brisket)

Cassiandris’s echos are surrounding him. On takes a slash to the ankle and he falls on his knees and Cassiandris is in front of him about to cleave him. And the echo behind him grabs him by the hair and slits his throat. And a shockwave shoots out when he dies and she rips off a locket that was around his neck. And the shadows wrap around her and Zormarir and one of the echos turns into a fully fledged version of Cassiandris.

Cassianris is fucking shit up. She kills the two near Zara “HAHA I STOLE YOU KILLS.” “YOU ASSHOLE”

Trukin time Truk: “YOUR LEADER IS DEAD. EITHER SURRENDER OR DIE A PAINFUL DEATH.” 21 on intimidation. Most of them run. A few stand. Ready fight for what they believe in. Truk: Your fucking funeral Me: The swear jar appears in front of Truk Brick: He breaks down and sobs. ANYWAY. Truk snipes a mofo. 30 piercing damage via barbed spine.

Mark looks over. “Good job.”

Truk goes to attack the tent. His claws catch on the tent. He trips on his ass.

The last member of squad 4 is in range for bob’s guiding bolt. Critical hit. 44 radiant damage.

Truk upon ascending becomes aware that this is a dnd campaign. He will join Alfie Bob and Zara in awareness.

We hear a war horn from the last guy standing. And we hear the last guys who stayed show up.

Zara walks through 25 feet of fire to get to Bragar. She does the help action for Bragar who has two points of exhaustion. The glowing light and gentle warmth of the sun relieves him of 1 point of exhaustion.

It’s Baggin time.

He stands up as tall as he can an pulls out his war hammer Lanwel: FUCK YOU I CLAIMED YOUR BESTFRIEND HE’S GONNA BE MY CHAMPION. Zara: FUCK YOU I’M GONNA FUCK YOUR DAUGHTER.

Alfie and Bob are just eating popcorn in the background

Bragar deals 30 damage to the bulette. He threw his hammer at it.

I made this meme “When la’far find out you fucked her daughter”

Bragar also used his breath weapon.

Bragar has been running on adrenaline for centuries. Voice: Alfie? Alfie: Ye? Voice: When this is all over you should sign up Bragar for extensive therapy. Alfie: Already on it. Voice: And physical therapy Alfie: Already done. I chiropractor his neck. At the end of the campaign Bragar relaxes and crumbles to the ground in agony. Under those robes Zara has HORRIBLE posture. Me: One time alfie sneaks up on her and FLYING NINJA KICKS HER IN THE BACK and Zara is like "OH FICK THAT'S SO MUCH BETTER"

Squad 1 stabs truk. Truk looks at them, and grins. Blood dripping from his mouth. “Is that the best you’ve got.” This soldier in front of him is 18. He’s an innocent child. Conscripted into war. And Truk says “I’m sorry. I am sorry for what must happen. Your parents would be proud of your bravery.”

“Would yours say the same?” “They would.” And Alfie shouts “DAMN RIGHT I’M PROUD” and Zara is like “I LOVE MY KID.” and Bob is like “I LOVE MY FUTURE STEP SON.” “WE ALL LOVE OUR KIDS” Meanwhile Zara has to beg for time to give her some spell slots. Time is obsessed with Zara. Zara really said “Be in awe of my tism.” and Time was like “Damn. I AM in awe of your tism.”

Mark keeled over after aura farming and the knapsack lashes two tentacles out and grab his ankles. And the entire battlefield freezes as Mark’s unconscious body is slowly dragged across the battlefield. He keeps getting caught on shit. Is dragged right between Truk and the kid he’s talking to. Digi wasn’t feeling good so they had to leave.

Alfie’s turn.

He surveys the carnage “Enough of this.” And snaps his fingers and from the sky come swarms of rocks going at terminal velocity. “Guess I chose the wrong team” “Yep.” “Is it too late to change sides?” “eh” And Truk grabs them by the chest and protects the teen soldier from the others in case they attack him for going awol. Truk: Sorry kid- why am i calling you kid I’m younger than you- Kid: How old are you Truk: I’m 17 Kid: TRUK? Truk: no way-

And it’s also at that moment that the kid recognizes Alfie.

Meanwhile Bragar is traumatized by almost getting blown up. Looks at Zara like “a-”

Me: I do have a bonus action. Lanwel: You stay with your boyfriend Me: They’re not official. It’s a situationship. Alfie: *gives the sun a thumbs up* Me: Alfie give Bob a kiss on the cheek. Giving him a point of fatherly inspiration. But in this case it’s bear encouragement. Dom encouragement. Top encouragement. Brick: Shut up.

Cassiandris 2: *approaches* Truk: *protecting kid* You touch him I gut you.

Cassiandris rolled double nat 1s and tripped and fell into the tent but uses the momentum to bounce back up. After killing most of squad one.

Truk: Can I kill this guy? Kid: He called me short. Truk does hungering maw. He clamps down on the last one’s side. And starts shaking him like a dog. “I always knew you were a nerd-” as he’s ripped in half.

Meanwhile with Sue and Co. Sue: WHERE THE FUCK IS TAMAGO-

Meanwhile with Tamago Morticia and Ingrid Ingrid: So you’re telling me that if you mix this plant with this plant you get a highly potent poison? Morticia: Yeah! Later after everyone got split

Emere: *holding bob’s plant book* Oleander. I like that Ingrid: *understanding* It’s a good plant. And a good name.

Emere: I think I want to tell Alfie. And he flies off. Ingrid: WAIT I DON’T KNOW WHERE ANYONE IS- And a rose appears next to him “You don’t belong in this universe.” “I know. Everyone died. And then I smacked into a giant chicken and now he’s my dad” And a cat appears “Yeah sorry my bad. He wasn’t- she? They?” Ingrid: Genderfluid. She/her right now.

Bob got cursed briefly to speak riddles. I can’t tell the party exactly where they are. So a scroll appears in front of each party member. It unravels and a quill starts writing out two riddles: “One lies next to the dead, a horrid man betrayed by dread “

“Beneath the fires and scorched earth, from once was a tent now home and hearth.”

Cassiandris: I guess their locations will have to be unearthed. Two spectral hands appear next to cassiandris for high fives. She high fives one of them. Then goes for the down low. The hand grabs her hood and roughly pulls it over her face briefly blinging her Bragar: Ima punch the ground. Zara holds her action. Bragar slowly approaches. One step. And stops. Another step and stops. He’s looking for the Bulette. 17. And he hears the ground start to shake. And The bulette emerges and clamps onto his leg landing on Cassiandris and Zara. Cass does shadow martyr and tanks all the damage. He sees this and tries to flip it into the fire.

It takes a couple luck points (the first rolls were a 1 and a 2), but Bragar rolls a 17 making a 24 beating the bulette’s 23. He succeeds. Holding its jaws open and flipping it through the air, slamming it into the fire. Alfie shouts “LOOKS LIKE WE’RE HAVING ROAST BULETTE FOR DINNER” Bragar: I’m not eating that Bragar: I smelled its breath. No thanks  Cassiandris: It’s actually kind of nice! It’s like pork but less fatty. Alfie: THANK YOU. See Cassiandris understands! She grew up poor! Bob: In the fairy courts Bulette is actually a delicacy.

Alfie’s turn Me: I cast disintegrate. Make a dex save. Rose: *rolls* I’m going to send a photo of what I just rolled

All that’s left is the heart. Armored in it’s own right.

Zara keeps the heart

Alfie is tending to everyone.

“Little hero. Child of the flame. Of the sun. Bragar. Strength comes from standing up for those who cannot stand for themself. Bragar. Child of Russia. An heir to a throne in your own right. One you were not born too. Will you be my champion? Wield my blade?”

He lets the flame intermingle with his. “I accept the burden. I will be your champion.” “The only burden you will hold is to protect.”

Cream: Bragar. Your strength score is thirty. You are now the light bringer. “From this point forward you kneel to no one.”

Kid: Did you somehow get buffer- Truk: I’VE GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU- Kid: i can’t get more surprised- Truk: I’m a god. Kid: WHAT? Truk: I know OW Alfie: *patching up Truk* HOLD STILL. 

Meanwhile: Cassiandris comes to Zara’s door. Cassiandris: Can I- can we come in? Zara: What do you want

*fade to black* *insert careless whisper*

Cassiandris and Zara are getting freaky. Bob and Alfie are getting freaky.

Upcoming smut fic from cream about what happened between Zara and Cassiandris.

[zero-insignificance]

DND Recap: The Outer Gates

Cast Includes: Rose the DM, Yours truly (Bob and Alfie), Cream (Cassiandris and vice DM), Rascal (Zara and the Cat Girls), Brick (Truk and Bragar) and Digi (Mark of Haus Brisket)

After days of traveling we see ashes and smoke pluming in the distance. Farms and Homes taken up residence by soldiers and the all to familiar sound of soldiers prepping for battle.

Cassiandris: I fought here. I died here. I died in the battle here. Mark: Did you really die here? Cassiandris: I did. Mark: You can say you died here but your soul lives on. This is your second chance.

Party members are having flashbacks of the battle. Zara and Alfie were snatched by the doctor around the time the battle took place so they wouldn’t fuck up the time stream. They couldn’t be there.

Cassiandris wants to find the spot where she died. She left something there.

Despite his long lifespan, Bob has never seen a battlefield. He’s caused wars but never seen one. “Oh god… I feel like a monster-”

And Cassiandris leads us through the rubble. The battlefield she died in is inhabited. A battlefield once more.

We see a pink tiefling in a tree. Zormarir the right hand of the God Breaker.

Alfie: why is there a twink in a tree? Cream and Rose: THIS IS NOT A TWINK- Me: Everyone’s a twink to Alfie.

There are many soldiers, some that are riding Bulettes

Bob is prepping Bless for as many people as possible

Mark is drawing the attack plan

Mark: So you guys go this way. We go this way. And Bob and Alfie I trust you to pick the best spells to cast. Bob: *pulls out shotgun* I don’t need spells. And Zormarir shouts “YOU MAY HAVE FACED FOES, YOU MAY HAVE BEATEN THEM BUT NOT THIS TIME. THIS. WILL BE YOUR END”

Banjo the frog pulls up in one of those cars made for kids. And starts SHREDDING HIS BANJO.

Truk: it’s trukin time. Zara hasted him. The soldiers are like “Welp. It was nice knowing you guys.” As Truk RUNS at them and RAGES splitting one of them in half with Dazbolg the Radiant Blade. Spinning around he easily dispatches the other. And tries to intimidate everyone.

He fails. And Zormarir shouts “WE WILL STAND STRONG. FOR WE ARE THE LEGION OF THE GOD BREAKER” Zara: Blah blah blah thats all I hear Alfie: SHUT UP. Zormarir threw a purple psychic spear at Truk. No save. The spear is familiar

Truk took 40 points of psychic damage

Rascal: I cast fireball on the DM Rose: The Rose following you is unbothered Zara casts fireball on a bunch of the soldiers. And Zormarir casts psychic bomb on Zara and Bragar

Flickers of flame come off of Bragar and his extremities burst into fire as he grows into a flaming dragon

Truk takes 20 damage

Alfie and Mark Friendship dap “Have fun~” and Mark gets hasted and Fatherly Encouragement before Alfie flies over to his pookie (bob) and just looms behind him glaring at the goliath in front of his twink situationship like “You touch him you die”

Bragar is getting fucked up. Cream: You know what time it is? Everyone: IT’S MARKIN TIME

Mark pulls out Gorg’s hammer. A crystalline hammer. And when you attack, crystals under the earth explode. And Mark starts massacring people.

Session ends like this

Part two of this session.

Rascal dropped their phone in their spaghetti. Their birthday is tomorrow. They get advantage on 5 rolls.

Digi: Hey rose. Guess what. Rose: What. Digi: Chicken butt. Rose: Cream. I would like you to send 4 fireballs on Mark.

Mark loves barbecue sauce. He will guzzle it.

Cassiandris attacks zormarir “DON’T YOU RECOGNIZE ME?”

Zormarir: Didn’t I kill you already Cassy: It takes more than that to keep me down. Zormarir: I guess i’ll do a bit more than that Cassy: Then come out here and face me. Digi: Don’t forget to call him a pussy! Cassy: Pussy.

Zormarir: Nah. I’m good.

Truk does a decent chunk of damage to one of the Bulettes

Digi: MARK WILL NOT BE DIDDLED. Me: That’s going in the recap.

Bob’s Tasha’s hideous laughter fails. “Where do you think the sibling’s souls went?” So he does telekinetic shove on the guy in front of him. Succeeds because surprisingly Bob has higher strength than the guy despite being a fem twink and this guy being a goliath. Throws a glittery baja blast smoke bomb and runs past him. I have forgotten my smoke bombs for too long.

Rose basically buffs all Zormarir’s men. And psychic bomb on Truk, Mark and echo.. Intelligence save. Mark fails the first save and is told to roll 3 and Truk is told to roll 4. 3 successes on fail. Digi doesn’t bother because he’ll fail regardless.

Lore: Thozall is a lefty. His Left hand is the one he respects. Zormarir is just a pawn in his game to rule.

And this psychic pulse sends out a popping sound through the troops. And blood comes from their noses and eyes and ears. It burns. And one manages to hit Bragar.

Zara stares blankly at Zormarir as she casts True Strike.

He can’t be charmed, frightened and confused. Resists: fire, necrotic. Immune: psychic. And he has a piece of divinity in him. Powerful divinity.

Zormarir is psychic

Bragar feels a brief moment of warmth like basking into a sunbeam and SMASHES A BULETTE WITH HIS FLAMING HAMMER. The embers almost have this beautiful golden tint to them. And he use bonus action *wings* and they shoot out in flames. And he dives down over the barricade like a peregrine falcon catching his prey. 28 hits. 32 damage. They’re waiting ready for whatever Bragar throws at them. And he hits them like a freight train. 

There is nothing left.

Bob gets smacked by the guy running past him “haha my ex boyfriend hit harder than that.”

Me: I do an opportunity attack. Cream: You can’t- Me: I have a 10 foot range with my scepter. It’s long. Cream: … Please don’t say that. But yes you can do an opportunity attack. Me: does a 29 hit? Cream: Yes. Me: I need you to make a wisdom save. Cream: Fail. Me: Rolls. You take 30 damage. 20 psychic and 10 bludgeoning. You are stunned until the end of my next turn. I’M LEARNING. Bob does not take any damage. It looked like that one scene in Avatar the Last Airbender where we first meet Jet.

Alfie’s turn comes up. I was GOING TO DO HEALING WORD BUT THEY CHANGED THE STAFF OF HEALING. I am allowed to still use healing word and Truk feels the sensation of a hand on his shoulder and a voice says “You’ve got this. Fuck shit up for me.” and when he looks at Alfie he sees him giving a dorky smile and a double thumbs up before running over to Bob and SETTING AN ENCAMPMENT ABLAZE. Everyone in the encampment are cooked alive and Alfie is cackling like a mad man.

Cream: The spellcasters are going to be very not nice to the son of the god of gods. Truk: Leave me alone.

And he gets fucked up. Truk: Did you really think- Did you really think that you could take god on?

Me: One of them laughs and says “HAHA HE STUTTERED.” Truk: Fuck you.

Rose: It’s Markin time.

Mark is going to knock out one of the pillars holding up the tower that Cassiandris was executed on during the first war against Thozall. He is allowed to act as a siege monster. He’s also raging.

I’m HYPED.

The tower is unstable as Mark cleaves off a chunk of one of the stone supports. All he has to do is deal with the second pillar and the tower is done for. Nat 20.

He runs quickly dragging his three section staff across the pillar and the tower crumbles.

And the casters are crushed and broken.

Zormarir watches as his casters fall and die and his forcefield falls under him and Cassiandris vanishes into shadow. And as he hits the ground Cassiandris reappears. “You’re not winning this time asshole.”

Mark considers helping Cassiandris but turns and Headbutts a pillar holding up the archers and it cracks and creaks.

Brick: *as archer 1* What was that? Me: *as archer two* I think we might be boned.

Mark: Who said high ground was an advantage?

And Cassiandris surrounds Zormarir with echos “You thought I was going to die alone? I’m NEVER ALONE.”

73 from the crit because she has rogue levels. 136 from the first 4 attacks Cassiandris action surges. 3 more attacks.

Bragar and Truk swap turns so Bragar can be cool.

He shoots up in the air and dives down at Zoramir shouting “HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY LAND” and uses Starfire Havoc. And the sunrise in the background flares up and the light emphasizes the flames around him. After spending some luck points. “15+13. 35” “Do your math again.” “25. My brain doesn’t work.”

75 radiant damage.

He falls toward Zormarir. Flames erupt in a 30 foot sphere and he’s about to attack again but looks at Cassiandris. And stops. He doesn’t see rage. But the soft look of the woman he saw back in the fall of russia. And he knows that Cassiandris would not take this lightly. And he doesn’t take the hit. And she gives her a nod. From Zara’s perspective she just saw Bragar fly through the air and a supernova go off in the sky and says “You mother fucker-” and flips off the sun.

Alfie gives the Sun a thumbs up. And after seeing some guys smack Truk around, Alfie turns to the guys surrounding Truk “I don’t know about you but… I’m feeling a little parched.” And he casts AbiDazim’s horrid wilting on the creatures around Truk. And they wilt and wither away, mushrooms and moss growing from their wounds. And they die with only one guy left standing. And get to I roll at advantage because I just sucked the moisture out of his comerades and say “Run. Or I will do to you what I did to them.” 33 for intimidation. Zormarir’s charisma fails. And the guy looks at Truk. Looks at Alfie. Then to the tower where Zormarir used to be. And he just goes “Fuck this” drops his glaive and BOOKS IT. Digi: The only soldier with common sense. 

And Alfie runs over to Truk and is checking him over like a frazzled hen with their chicks and gives him some Fatherly inspiration.

Mark is naturally slaughtering EVERYTHING. Mark tries to intimidate but fails.

Cassiandris stares down Zormarir. “See that’s the thing. You can knock me down but I’m just going to get back up” And it looks like Cassiandris is about to do the final blow, feinting an attack but the echo grabs him, and they swap places and she slits his throat. From his neck she rips off a broken pocket watch and kicks his body into the dirt. And when she grabs her locket the echos fade in and out for a moment and form back together into a perfect clone of Cassiandris. Complete with a golden friendship bracelet.

[zero-insignificance]

DND Recap: Fight Club Part 2

Cast Includes: Rose the DM, Yours truly (Bob and Alfie), Cream (Cassiandris and vice DM), Rascal (Zara and the Cat Girls), Brick (Truk and Bragar) and THE RETURN OF DIGI, the one who played Mark

We start on Alfie’s turn. He looks at Truk when Mark enters and gives him a look that says “go get him tiger” and then turns to Zara and casts Raulthim’s psychic lance. She fails the save. This is revenge on Zara STEALING AND LOSING HIS FAVORITE CARVING KNIFE TO THE VOID. And then he turns to Bob in the distance who’s just dodging Sue’s attacks like it’s nothing and winks at him. Clicking his tongue. 14 on a charisma check for Alfie. 13 on a con check for Bob.

Mark is covered in acid from a pool he stepped into and took 11 acid damage.

Mark: I JUST GREW THAT! Cream: HE GOT TWINKED

Mark looks at Truk in monster form “You’ve finally grown some balls.” and Mark goes to attack Truk who roars at him like a feral creature; Rose: Before you clash “directed by michael bay” Everyone: and wash away… WHAT I’VE DONE-

Mark succeeds on two hits. Truk take 68 damage. Mark backs away 40 feet.

Robit misty steps and does a flurry of blows on Zara. Every single hit misses which is REALLY funny. One of the echos smacks Robit and Cassiandris shouts “OH NO YOU DON’T. SHE’S MINE.” Robit deflects it into Zara

Sue tries to entangle Bob. He breaks free. He offers her his tutelage and she agrees but she really wants to fight.

One of Cassiandris’s echos tries to hit Truk as he rushes mark. And he stops.  7 piercing 8 points of psychic and his movement speed is reduced to 0. Truk looks at Mark. Mark looks at Truk. They nod and they both grin. Cassiandris might be FUCKED.

Truk smacks the echo with his tail. It hits. He wraps his tail around the echo and crushes it. The echo poofs. Cassiandris uses reclaim potential. Cassiandris is just out of range with barbed spines.

Brick: I’m using the barbed spine on Zara cuz fuck you. Rascal: WHAT THE FUCK- Zara can’t do shit on her turn. Bragar’s turn. Brick: Who's right in front of me. Me: Alfie is. Brick: I’m not fucking with that. I’m biting the Robit.

Lore wise it makes sense for Bragar to not fuck with Alfie. Alfie suplexed him and Bragar still has neck pain from it. 32

He bites down. And then bites down again even harder. His second to hit fails. His teeth can’t sink in any deeper Brick: What would you say to flurry of blows Cream: I’d let bragar flurry of blows me Me: I want you to know that that’s going into the recap. Cream: I want it to be clear. I’m the one who killed Bragar.

Infectious Fury. Meets it beats it. Digi rolls a d4 because cream said to. Geysers of acid form. Anyone within 15 feet must roll a dex save. Which is just Bragar.

Thankfully he succeeds! Yippee! Nobody was affected by this

Alfie gets smacked around a bit by one of the echos. Alfie looks at the people around him. And ponders who to attack. Zara is low. Bragar is low. He could go for Cassiandris. But he could go for Robit. Bragar does puppy eyes and Alfie fails the check. Alfie: *sighs* fine. Just fuck them up for me. And he takes out his Starscourge dagger and looks at the echo who's just like "don't be rash-" and Alfie flicks the knife forward, poofing the echo. he then teleports to Bob who's dealing with Sue and grabs his turtleneck "You're coming with me" and Bob is like "I don't understand aren't we supposed to be fighting eachother-" and gets cut off by a kiss on the cheek.

Mark: IF ANYONE DISRESPECTS THE ONE V. ONE I WILL KICK YOUR ASS- I truly feel bad that you’re at a disadvantage because of damage I did not do. The first attack you do on me I will take. Truk: You’re a good man Mark: And you’re a good friend. And I’d say sorry but I am not guilty. And he pulls his great sword and moves 50 feet. Mark: Truk I told you I have a new magic item Brick: WHAT ARE YOU DOING- Digi: Action surge to dash. 

Mark cracks both his shoulders, charges and slams Truk. 19+18. Hits. 57 damage for the first attack. Rascal: Rollin around at the speed of sound Me: Mark be like *gotta go fast-*

Second attack misses. Third attack hits.

104 halved. 

113/2=57 damage total.

Robit attacks Bragar. They can see that his ribs are broken. But he’s still pushing through it.

Bob is getting the ultimate test from Alfie. Therapy. A test of his sense of self. If he gains his soul back. Each success earns him a kiss.

Sue tries to jump over the lava river but she gets caught taking 11 fire damage. The shoe singes and burns. She hunter’s marks Zara.

Truk: You promised right? Mark: Yes Truk reaches to both sides, unsheathes his weapons and does a cross slash across his chest. Mark takes it. It’s a free hit for the first attack.

26 slashing halve. 15 radiant

He tries to bite Mark’s shoulder.

DIVINE BITE! Mark sees blue cackling energy coming off Truk’s monstrous teeth and nods.

It’s like the first fight over again.

Zara misty steps away. And she's the first one to come across one of these. A dormant geyser of acid She take 8 points of acid damage.

Zara tries to hit someone with eldrtich blast. Nat 1. Roll a d4. 1 nothing happens. 2. It hits silence. 3 it hits cassiandriss

Bragar makes it to his turn. “

Bragar: Fuck this *leaves* Zara: Wait! *plane shifts Bragar to freddy fazbears pizza with Mai* Bragar: wtf Mai: hai Bragar: *looks around at the children* I should not look like this here. Mai: Join the club

Meanwhile cassiandris makes 3 attacks on zara. All attacks hit even when Zara tries to teleport away. She’s down.

Last attack goes to the Robit

The echo is poofed

Zara gets dragged out of the arena by La’far and her wounds are healed, her girlfriend is in the audience and sees this.

Marks turn. Two nat 20s.  Mark: hey truk? You might be cooked. Truk: I might be cooked chat. Mark: My first attack will be a disarming attack. Truk: Oh you’re a bitch. Mark: To knock one of the swords out of your hand Truk: OH YOU’RE A REAL BITCH. 57 damage on the first attack Truk: Is this what it feels like to be cooked? Is this what my centaur sibling felt like? 123 total damage. “No hard feelings but you’re about to kick my ass” He moves 70 feet away from Truk

On Bob’s next turn Alfie is grilling him on stuff he’s learned in therapy. It is a mental obstacle course that he has to speed run. Each right answer earning him a kiss on the cheek.

Alfonse shouts at him “DO YOU THINK YOU DESERVE GOOD THINGS.” and Bob shouts “YES I DO!” and he truly believes it. He can’t lie. Not even to himself. And I roll a d6. And he earns his soul back. Gaining one level bringing him up to 19.

Sue gets hit by robit. And magic starts to transform her and she turns into a triceratops.

There’s just a massive triceratops.

Cassiandris places an echo by the robit and it makes 5 attacks. 4 hit.

24+16+22+23

Cream: How is Robut looking Rose: I'm not telling you. You'll add a bunch of other things- Cream: You know what? Fuck you. I’m doing it anyway

Alfie's turn Alfie: Hang on Bob *teleports to Sue* Need some help kiddo? Sue: PLEASE. Alfie: You’ve got this. *pat on the back* Me: I use Alfonse’s fatherly encouragement. You gain advantage on whatever you do next and 10 temporary hit points. Alfie: *teleports back* Now Bob… Where were we~ Brick: They’re just putting on a show for everyone. Me: Magic Mike ass shit;

Cream: HOLD ON. Truk didn’t get his turn Me: A referee comes out “T time t time YOU WERE SPACED OUT-” amd they point at Truk. Brick: Truk doesn’t notice the dinosaur. He was drooling. Spaced out and tunnel visioned

Mark is in range for a barbed spine. He’s just moonwalking and dodging the spines.

Marks turn. Truk: Oh hi mark. Every attack hits.

76 damage total. Plus a menacing attack making it 82.

Truk forfits. “You’ve got this one in the bag.” And Mark is surprised but disappointed. “Are you playing a game?” But Truk isn't playing (It was 10 pm cst and people were getting burnt out)

Truk: I Truk the God of Gods declare you the strongest man in the realm NOT THAT BITCH THOZALL- Zara: FUCK THOZALL- Alfie and Bob: *kissing and muffled* yeah fuck thozall-

And the crowd shouts and starts chanting “fuck Thozall FUCK THOZALL FUCK THOZALL-” And there’s a chill down Mark’s spine as he shakes Truk’s hand. “Truk. I’ve never not once let someone rule over me. I’ve always fought to protect my friends and family. For my sister. But after our fight today. It would bring me nothing but pleasure to be your knight. To be your blade”

And Truk knights Mark, unsheathing Dazbolg. “I now pronounce you the Blade of the Gods.”

Cassiandris ripped up everyone, she and Sue teamed up to beat Robit. And Cassiandris does a dramatic “oh great HEAVENS-” a very overly dramatic fake loss. The whole “blood BLOOD and DEATH” thing from zootopia. Alfonse cups the side of Bob’s face and calls him “Sugar” and Bob passes out.

Lanwel appears in front of Mark and says “If you kill Thozall I’ll let you use my sword. Eclipse the Sunblade. But only if you pry it from your cold dead corpse.” Mark: *sharpens his quarter staff* Why would i need your blade when I have my own? Lanwel: Wut- FINE I’LL ASK YOUR LITTLE DRAGON *referring to Truk who is very not a dragon*

Emere got teleported to Freddy Fazbears Pizza by Zara And Cassiandris and Alfie help Sue get out of the wild shape.

Meanwhile with Mai and Bragar and Emere. Bragar: I'M FINE. LET IT HEAL BY ITSELF Emere: Come on mister bragar you really shouldn’t be walking around like this And he accidentally casts cure wound Mai: Am i the only one who thinks the animatronics are creepy0 Me: Plushtrap skitters across the floor Mai: *scream* Bragar: *predator instinct* Me: Plushtrap starts squeaking in terror And then stuff starts going wrong. Emere is surrounded by a bunch of magic spell particle effects. Me: Does Alfie sense that one of his kids is in trouble through Dad magic? Cream: Yea Alfie: *pulls back from Bob* one of my kids is danger. Be right back Bob. Bob: *blushing in his room in the nap sack* okay- Alfie shows up. Bragar is trying to calm him, hugging him close. 22 points of radiant damage.

Alfie slams his sword onto Plush Trap who is trying to steal Mai Alfie tries to get Bragar to get back because he has a radiant damage resistance but Bragar isn’t going anywhere. So they both focus on Emere who is struggling to control his magic. Alfie and Bragar are trying to guide him through it. Alfie is talking to Emere as Bragar takes another 22 radiant damage. "Channel your energy. You want to help people. You can. Believe it. And wield it." as he tosses Mai his shotgun. And the sparkles shimmer and freeze before aligning with the flower crown he’s still wearing. He never took it off. It’s like the cosmos are aligning.

There's a shotgun blast off screen.

Dollar store William Afton: Hi I’m Willie After. How can I help you? Mai: *has Foxy behind her* wtf- *screams* And Bragar Alfie and Emere are having a tender moment. Mai is running from foxy.

Emere: *cosmic voice* At least it wasn’t Freddy Five Bear. Rose: Emere. 5 Freddy Fazbears appear behind you. Emere: Oh mother. We should get out of here. Alfie: *looks at himself and bragar* neither of us are women

Zara shows up “This isn’t where I meant to send you guys-” and grabs Alfie, Emere, and tries to grab Bragar with her foot. Bragar backs up “I ain’t touching that-” And Alfie holds out his hand which Bragar accepts and tries to planeshift everyone back. Emere is basically the one human character in the muppets.

We keep teleporting through different words. Different campaigns. Subnautica watching the Aurora crash. Bragar briefly got infected with the Karah. Wuskon fighting The Lady in The Stardust of Eternity campaign. Ingrid my Scottish Irish Moth Changeling druid accidentally tags along in moth form smacking into Alfie's face. The RV from breaking bad before it explodes. Creams 3 part oneshot and everyone is dead. Back to Subnautica but it’s Below Zero and Alfie sees Al-an and his new body and just goes “GOD DAMN-” The ending fight of Resident evil 8.

We make it back to the arena, the arena is empty, and we hear a very small, accented voice come from the floor. Ingrid: *smol scottish moth* What happened? WHERE THE FUCK AM I- Zara: FUCK. Well, we can’t have any stragglers- *takes shotgun from Mai* Alfie: WOAH WOAH- My shotgun. My rules. GIMME.

Ingrid is the only survivor of the Stardust of Eternity campaign. Everyone else is dead. Neza betrayed the party for The Lady because she's a bottom.

Ingrid: PLEASE DON’T HURT ME- Alfie: WE’RE NOT GOING TO HURT YOU-

Alfie has gained ANOTHER child. Ingrid is 6 years old but is an adult according to his species.

And back in the Nap Sack Bob is in his room squealing because his crush kissed him multiple times

[zero-insignificance]

DND Recap: Would anyone like some BRISKET?

Cast Includes: Rose the DM, Yours truly (Bob and Alfie), Cream (Cassiandris and vice DM), Rascal (Zara and the Cat Girls), Brick (Truk and Bragar) and THE RETURN OF DIGI, the one who played Mark

So the ascending to the God of Gods thing didn't happen but we're keeping the "mister bragar are you okay?" thing because it's so pure

Alfie gets a text from Mark “I’m in Philadelphia. You want some brisket?” Alfie: *grinning* We're goin to Philly. Sue: wtf is Philadelphia doing here? Zara: Why are we going to philadelphia, I’m wanted there- Alfie: I got a text from Mark. Truk almost chokes on the raw venison he’s eating. Zara: Who's Mark? Alfie: You were at the wedding. He’s the one who got blackout drunk and hung from the chandelier. Truk: *scarfing down meat* Liana: Can you not it’s grossing me out- Truk: No if you have a problem, look away. This is how I eat.

Cassiandris gathers a bunch of food to bring to Scarlet. Zara has the weed brownies for Scarlet. Sue and Mai go off to do pg lesbian things Cassiandris: I thought you’d want something to eat Zara: Maybe you could have a bit of dessert if you want hahaha- Zara has eaten 19 uber catnip brownies. There are 81 left. She is ZOOTED. Frog blinking and everything. “Woah pretty…” Scarlet: *in fire genasi form* Oh, thank you. I do try to take care of myself Cassiandris: I think you’re pretty too- Scarlet: I’ll have to let you two get a better look. Cassiandris: *poof* 10 seconds later Zara vanishes cuz she's high and taking a while to process everything.

Cassandra: Why are the gods so boring- Truk: *yeets a femur at Cassandra* It bounces off Cassandra and Alfie catches it eating it. Alfie is the reason that Truk casually eats bones. He saw Alfie do it when he was 3.

Zara: *high off her mind* Cassandra: *smack* You’re sober now. *lesser restoration*

There’s a commotion from where Sue and Mai went and we hear rushing water that comes pouring into the dining room The Nap Sack isn't happy about that and we all get spit out except for Alfie who casts shape water to contain everything. Alfie: *to Sue and Mai* You're cleaning it up. Mai: WHAT- Alfie: You caused the mess. You're cleaning it up.

Zara plane shifts everyone to the anomaly that is Philidelphia. 

We appear outside the gates snd we hear a bear struggling. And Alfie senses Mark who has one of the friendship bracelets We see a man with his arms tied behind his back and is wrestling the bear.

Everyone is concerned and Alfie is grinning.

The man cuts of the bear’s circulation and the ropes are ripped off

Alfie: HEY MARK! Truk: *lunges at Mark* MARK- Mark: HAHA *draws staff* And they start fighting Mark: Long time no see! HI ALFIE Truk: THAT IT HAS! Zara: What is happening- Alfie: This is my bestie Cassiandris: Cassiandris the shadow martyr. Mark: Mark Zara: Zara the timeless. We’ve met before. Regrettably.

They stop fighting Emere: *hiding behind Alfie* Who are you? Alfie: This is my best friend, Mark. Mark: Hello little one. Emere: hi… Mark: Brisket? Emere: what’s a brisket? Mark: *appears behind Emere* you’re about to try some.

Most of us are wanted in Philly for different reasons except for Alfie and Cassiandris Mark burned down an orphanage as a kid because they were abusive to the kids. Why is Zara wanted in Philly? She killed several guys, she was the Cat Eye Stalker. She tried to disrupt the politics. AND TO MAKE IT WORSE- she smoked too much. Mark: Chaos is illegal. Bob: Oh dear. I'm a demigod of chaos and order- Alfie polymorphs everyone except for Mark. His backstory includes that his real name isn't Mark but nobody is going to suspect a guy with a boring white name in any crimes.

Cassiandris casts disguise self. She looks like a normal elf. Bob: I love your dress! Cassiandris: Thanks. I stole it from my ex. Bob: High five.

The anomaly affects Cassiandris. For the first time in her undead life she has a hunger for brisket. Everyone is in the forms they took in the first Philadelphia episode Bob is a pixie, Zara is a teifling, Bragar is a great bearded vulture aarakocra, Truk is a halfling

Guard: Halt who are you and what do you seek? Mark: Mark. We seek brisket. Guard: Who are the rest of you. Alfie: Alfonse Redfeather. Prince of the Eldritch Pantheon. We seek the same thing. Guard: You may enter.

Philly Salesperson: DIRT CHEAP PHILLYS. Mark: Brisket. Salesperson: *places it on a plate* It’s gone. Mark: More brisket. The salesperson sets down a mountain of brisket. It's also gone in a blink. Cassiandris’s stomach growls. Rose: Flip a coin. Head you remember how to eat. Tails you forget. Cream: She remembers.

Mark promised Alfie he'd buy them brisket. Mark never breaks a promise. He pays for the brisket.

We buy all the food in the cart.

Me: We hear a cow moo and the cocking of a shotgun. And the saleswoman says “We gotta restock” Philly specializes in the freshest of beef. That includes drama and tea.

Sue: I don’t think I want to eat this anymore. Mark: What did you just say? Alfie: You’ll get used to it.

Rose: Bob. Roll a perception check. Me: 22. Rose: Bob you don’t know where but you sense the steak nearby.

Bob:oh god HE’S FOUND ME. HIDE ME- Blake the Steak: I’VE FOUND YOU. WE’RE GOING TO SING SHOW TUNES Bob: oh. I love show tunes! Blake: EVIL SHOWTUNES- Bob: I mean they're still showtunes

Truk: Mark Russia has fallen. Thozall killed Zariel and taken the kingdom for his own. We can’t even teleport there. Mark: I worried that this would happen. I’ve been preparing. Traveled through the 9 hells. That’s where I got these boots.

Zara went off and finds that Bob bought the old stone mason’s guild for a future Cafae Latte location. And she feels a bit nostalgic.

Beelzebub got yeeted cuz he was being a dick and hit Mark in the head. It sounded like a wet fish

Bob and Blake the Steak have roped in two unwilling participants into a Barbershop Quartet.

A rose appears next to Alfie. It hands him a flyer. Alfie: Fight Club? Rule one of fight club don’t talk about fight club. Fuck I already talked about it. Truk: What’s that? Alfie: Fight club. Apparently we aren’t supposed to talk about that. But fuck that shit things are supposed to be talked about. Mark and Truk are holding hands and skipping toward the Fight Club.

Bouncer: Welcome to Fight club. Rule one: don't talk about it. Rule two no teams. Mark: You broke rule one. The bouncer points up and there’s a sign that says “Don’t question the bouncer.” Mark: Ah.

We are told to roll initiative against each other

Cassiandris splits up into 3 echos and one of them goes for Bragar and does 3 attacks after signing “sorry”

She does over 100 damage on Bragar. And then she smacks Bragar again but fails

Alfie poofs two echos and then casts disintegrate on Cassiandris and Robit who is a replacement for Liana who is too squishy for this. 45 force damage Me: Bob also has disintegrate. I can do something really mean. Bob: I’d say I’m sorry but I’m really not. Brick: Do it. Me: Roll a dex save. Brick: 15. Me: You fail. 108 force damage. Emere comes out of nowhere “GET DOWN MISTER BRAGAR-” like he’s the president. Truk grabs Emere and pulls him out of the way. “Don’t try it kid.” and Emere sees his get hit by a laser “but mister Bragar-” “He is tougher than you think.” and Bragar is in the backgrouns and hurls blood into the lava Bob does the default dance

My mom tells the party to have fun  Me: She says to have fun! Cream: I'm already having fun Sue tries to hit Bob and misses. He parries it. She hunter’s marks him. She tries to attack again. Fail.

Truk attacks Alfie, both of them hit. Alfie tanks the hit like it’s nothing and clicks his jaw back into place. “Nice try.”

Zara casts a time stop and appears next to Alfie and Truk.

Meanwhile Bragar is heaving and his scales start glowing and he ROARS breathing fire on Zara Truk and Alfie. Alfie is unbothered.

After some more fighting We’re going to continue on Alfie’s next turn.

[zero-insignificance]

There are reasons why the Martian is my favorite book and this is one of them

[zero-insignificance]

DND Recap: The Plan

Cast Includes: Rose the DM, Yours truly (Bob and Alfie), Cream (Cassiandris and vice DM), Rascal (Zara and the Cat Girls) and Brick (Truk and Bragar)

Truk: Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Bragar: What? Truk: We run. Bragar: WHAT. Truk: I rage, you rage. And everyone rides on our backs Alfie: He’s an adult. So I can smack him upside the head. Truk you’d pass out. You’d be hit with 5 points of exhaustion. We can just ask Hank. Bob is searching for Hank in one of his pockets Truk: No it’s that pocket- no not that one the other one Bob: Left or right? Truk: RIGHT Bob: *dyslexic* WHICH RIGHT-

Alfie: Hank. And a message appears like a magic 8 ball. “Gone fishin” We’re talking and suggest teleporting to Philadelphia to get our reinforcements.

Truk sends a message to the gods and tells them to be battle ready. Salesman: WAGONS GET YA WAGONS DIRTY CHEAP WAGONS. Truk: We need two wagons Salesman: That’ll be 5 gold pieces Truk: TWO WAGONS Salesman: You’re crushing my shoulders Truk: Two wagons. Salesman: Okay- Sue: Why are we getting into wagons- Zara: it doesn’t matter logic is pointless Alfie: *slowly rotating through the air* Most of us don’t adhere to logic.

Paul is bribed with apple treats to pull the wagon. Alfie uses a map to figure out what the best route is. He figures it out but nobody knows the distance.

We’re told to roll perception. We all see a collapsed figure in the middle of the road. It’s a tall but about 6 foot tall man. Pale skin. Blond hair. Burned red clothing. It’s the unconscious body of Emere. He’s not waking up any time soon. He has no scars. Not anymore. Not even the one where Truk split him in half down the middle Zara attempts to wake up Emere. Bitch slapping check. “Sure. Roll to hit.” “Natural 20” He shoots awake, concerned and confused. He doesn’t remember us. Or his name.

Alfie hands him a paper and tells him to pick the letters that feel right.

Truk takes his hand and sifts through his mind. The only memory is of a golden hand and a white glove shaking hands. Truk recognizes the hand as Lanwel’s. Lanwel made a deal for her son to have a second chance. “When my boy comes to his time, give him a second chance” the deal was for Ecastriel. But it went to Emere in a twist of fate.

Truk looks into his eyes “You got a second chance. Make it worth it.”

Emere doesn’t even know how to write.

Truk tries gaslighting Emere into knowing how to read and write. It fails. We’ll have to do it the old fashioned way. And then we all realize that we’re all speaking Celestial. Even if we know it. Alfie: Guess I got a new kid now.

Alfie pulls out some clothes. One of them is a crop top that says “Cake Chad.”

Emere has gone from Bear status to Twink.

Bob: I’m not the only Twink- He gets dressed. And Sue holds a hand out to help him up. There’s a tiny bit of recognition. Emere: Why do I know you- Bragar: I may have an answer for you.

Tears begin to well up in Emere’s eyes. Bragar: You don’t remember it at all Emere: Don’t tell me. And Emere turns around and walks off.

Alfie’s dad sense is going WEEWOOWEEWOO- This is a boy who needs help and should not be left alone. So Alfie runs after him.

Alfie: Wait! You can come with us! 

Alfie holds out his hand and Emere takes it but gets a flash of his old spear. The God Thorn and immediately lets go.

Alfie: Right now you don’t have to worry about anything, for now let's teach you how to read and speak common.

We’re about two miles away from Wolford

Sue and Emere are walking and Sue gives him a piece of bread. That really good bread from Bread Heist, Hawaiian with the sourdough crust. She looks away and looks back and it’s gone

Cassandra and Cassiandris are having a thumb war

Tamago and Morticia are arguing.

Alfie: *leaning over to Morticia* How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.

Morticia: *cackles at how bad the joke is*

Zara is a domestic terrorist in this town. She poisoned the water supply one time trying to purify the water. Alfie: Zara Applesauce Meow Meow. What did you do to this town? Brick: *laughing* Applesauce Meow Meow?

The chemicals turned the frogs gay. /j There is an unknown laxative in the water.

Zara gets Polymorphed into a red tiefling by Alfie

Two of the cat girls Inari and Unagi are trying to break into a dumpster. Alfie: THE FIRST ONE TO GET ME A NEW STICK BLENDER GETS A COOKIE

Cassianris’s echos find the other cat girls and sign “Mom’s calling”

Truk and Bragar go off to have a conversation. Bragar: Truk? Truk: Yeah? Bragar: I think I’m afraid

Truk: You? Afraid of what? Bragar: Him, I don't want to be. I know it’s him but he’s not the one I knew.

Truk: That’s reasonable I think. You've been alive longer and seen more things than me. So i think what we need to do is talk to him, make it clear that we don’t hate him. That we’re here for him.

Bragar: Does this kind of stuff get easier? Truk: Hell if I know. Cream: THAT WENT SO HARD. The session is derailed by us complimenting Brick for that dialogue. Cassiandris echos are chucking Cat girls into the cart.

Out of the corner of Truk’s eyes he sees Emere picking flowers. And Alfie is teaching him how to make a flower crown. Truk: We should talk to him. No. Talk to Alfie. Me: Yes. Talk to Alfie and Bob. The two party members that have psychology degrees.

Sue is walking around the town. Cassiandris sneaks up on her Sue sees a wanted poster with a bounty. Trukoburk of Russia. She drops all of the Zara wanted posters

The only person nearby is a homeless man sleeping on the bench. Cassiandris’s echo reveals herself and is sent off to show the poster to everyone.

The echo appears in front of Truk who grabs the poster. “Wanted Alive.” “Oh no.”

Cassandra: HOW MUCH. Bob: *whack* “WE DON’T DO THAT FOR MONEY ANYMORE.” “I WASN'T SAYING THAT WE TURN HIM IN WE JUST SCAM THEM.” Alfie is still making flower crowns with Emere. Emere compares his crown to Alfie’s and then starts making a new one. It has to be perfect.

Sue is thinking too much and starts talking to one of the echos.

The echo signs “We’re all pieces of the same whole. We all act alone but we wouldn’t be able to act without the rest.” “Like a hive mind?” “Sort of. It’s… flatter than that. We are the same person just… think of it like we flip the coin but we don’t know where it lands and it doesn’t always land the same”

“How do you feel about Zara?” And the echo shrugs.

“Yeah I expected that as an answer. She feels so large but doesn’t at the same time. She doesn’t act like that though. I just don’t understand. How can someone that old act like she’s not better than the mortals she hangs out with. She wants my perspective. Makes sure that I understand and that I have some kind of authority. All the other gods act like they’re better than the rest.”

Emere’s having a good time with his new dad.

Cassiandris teleports off and Alfie sees an echo take her place.

Cassiandris talks with Sue about La’far. The lack of condescension and how you're not below but not equal. But she can’t see us any differently than how she sees everyone else.

They continue talking.

Alfie: After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?  Emere: *confused* Alfie: Because he had a ton of sick beets. Emere: What’s a beet? Alfie: It’s a kind of vegetable. It’s something you can eat. Emere: OH- *enjoys the joke*

Emere walks over to Truk and Bragar hiding the best flower crowns he made. Bragar smile and Emere looks back to Alfie who give him a dorky smile and a couple of thumbs up Emere: I made these for you.

Bragar: *kneels down* Thank you. Emere: *drops them and runs* Bragar cries a bit and Truk and Bragar put them on and Bob casts a spell to keep them from rotting. All of the arms on Truk’s arms stand up as power overwhelms him

Bragar Zara and Alfie go flying back and we all hear a booming drumming and roaring. Alfie drives his sword into the ground, so he doesn’t slam into a wall and break a wing. “HELP-” Truk screams. Alfie rushes forward but can't get more than 10 feet from him. Alfie shouts for Truk to breathe and we hear bones cracking and horns growing and the light fade like a snap. All we see. He is standing at 25 feet tall. It looks like Truk but not. It is a giant version of his monstrous form.

Flaming wings. Energy pulsing through his entire body. And he radiates with power.

Emere rushes over to Bragar “Are you alright Mister Bragar?” “I’m alright- TRUK- oh my god…”

We just witnessed the birth of the god of gods.

There will be some retconning in the next session.

And now for some pre and post session bullshit

Alfie has topped Truk's stepdad. He and Fluffy were in an open relationship.

There were disscusions while playing minecraft about a DND Character dating sim. You can only romance certain characters based on what gender you choose your character to be.

Cassiandris would be the easiest person to romance and eventually you get to the meet the parents section and there is an opportunity to romance Lanwel and La'far and Alfie. If you romance Lanwel and La'far that terminates your relationship with Cassiandris. If you try to romance Alfie in this scenario he just goes "What the fuck?" and rejects you telling Cassiandris which terminates your relationship with both of them. The same thing happens if you try to romance Truk and hit on Alfie and Zara in the meet the parents session. They would both reject you. And that terminates all romantic relationships If you continue down the romance path with Cassiandris and romance Zara they will fight over you before realizing that they have feelings for each other

The correct way to romance Alfie is by romancing Bob since he and Alfie are in an open relationship and down for polyamory.

Alfie was in fact made Truk's godfather when Truk was born

[zero-insignificance]

DND Recap: From Zero To One Hundred

Cast Includes: Rose the DM and Liana, Yours truly (Bob and Alfie), Cream (Cassiandris), Rascal (Zara and Sue) and Brick (Truk and Bragar)

Bob uses his multi person tent and everyone rests up.

Patrick gets up and goes to a campsite they were heading to while everyone is asleep. Zara: I have heard any intolerable noises. Where’s Patrick?

Bragar wakes up screaming, panting and holding his chest gripping onto the hand crocheted dragon blanket Alfie made him.

“WHere AM i?” Zara: What happened, are you okay? Alfie: *making chicken and waffles* PTSD NIGHTMARE? Bragar: YEAH! Alfie: *is the party therapist* HUG THE PLUSHIE

Zara is in a colorful suit and tie. She’s wearing a Saul Goodman outfit Cass: What the hell are you wearing Bob: Why did you steal my mentor’s suit? Cass: Where’s the loud one? Truk: *stumbles out of tent* Cass: Wrong loud one. Truk: Ow my head Rose: That’s what happens when you inhale a bunch of plant spores Alfie: *tosses ibuprofen* Truk: *chews up ibuprofen* Liana and Zara: *pure disgust*

Zara: The silence is making me think which is not a good thing. Truk: Zara thinking? That’s bad. Zara: I’m going to sue you- Me: Cut to ace attorney

It was snowing and people are look for Patrick. Bob and Alfie don’t notice shit but there are footsteps. (Alfie and Bob rolled the same thing. 19. Alfie got a natural 1. The cut off was a 20.) Bragar goes to look for a clearing for a campsite. He sees one.

Zara sees the footsteps. They’re heading deeper into the forest to the clearing Everyone is following. Bob and Alfie have a weird tension between them cuz they're gay.

The leaves are thick, and we see an old rundown campsite. In front of the extinguished fire, we see two familiar faces with spears in them. Patrick and Severa. They were impaled Vlad the Impaler style. Laid out as if they were falling.

The spears of Emere.

There is a piece of paper attached to Severa’s chest

Zara reaches out to touch the note and the spears disappear into red mist and the bodies fall to the ground

It reads “For Truk” It’s Thozall’s handwriting.

“You’ve been taking quite some time on this pointless journey Brother. Come and face me.” And written in red dripping writing “I don’t like waiting.”

Alfie and Zara make them both a grave.

Alfie was making them tombstones and Zara’s like “Maybe we should leave the grave unmarked. Chaos would happen if they’re found.” And Alfie snaps his fingers and they burst into flames Lanwel: That's my thing! Alfie: Well I was in this campaign from the start so *flips off Lanwel*

Bob’s capitalism senses are tingling. Someone has taken Bob’s spot in rosepeak (YOU LITERALLY DON’T STEAL FROM THE FAE-) Bob: *pissed* Zara: What’s wrong? Bob: SOMEONE IS OPERATING A BUSINESS ON MY LAND- I AM GOING TO CURSE THEIR ASS-

Zara comforts Truk.

And Truk sends out a magical message to Thozall. Truk: What do you want? Thozall: I just want to talk. Truk: Then let’s talk. Thozall: First. Let me show you something. And Truk’s eyes light up. And he sees a vision of Russia falling again with Thozall on the throne with Zariel’s head in his hand. “dammit.”

Poor Sea Biscuit. He lost his girlfriend and is probably being used as Thozall's stead.

And everyone softly hears war drums in their heads and blue magic pulses and when he turns around, he speaks.

Thozall has taken Russia once again. Zariel is dead Zara: FUCK Alfie is shaking and his eye twitches. And he picks up a rock and throws it at a tree. There’s a hole in the tree and it crumbles into splinters.

The party sends out messages to their allies. Truk sends messages to all of the other gods. Alfie messages Mark about gathering the reinforcements of Philidelphia. And Bob contacts his court in the fey wilds. The Unseelie Court.

They make it out of the forest and there is a homeless encampment in Bob's spot. There is a dwarf lady who seems to be in charge and an Elf woman that Cassiandris notices.

Elf lady: Cassiandris is that you? What have you been up to? Cassiandris: *talking in their regular voice* omigosh- I haven’t seen you in forever Me: Your voice is a little high. Alfie slaps you on the back. Cassiandris: *actually using their Cass voice* You know fighting gods. Giving Severa what for.

Bob and the woman strike a deal. It will function as a coffee shop and a place that benefits the homeless. It gives them jobs and gives them a temporary place to live.

The Tardis shows up. Bob scoops up Templeton the Copperhopper who is a medium construct. He's a big boi. All the pets rush out and Alfie hugs the Doctor and gives Paul a pat on the head. And Patrick's psuedodragon looks around for Patrick and can't find them so they fly away.

Sue leaves the Tardis and Zara brightens up a bit and starts running to her, but Sue pushes her away and says “What are you all?!” Looking at the party in confusion and anger “I CAN SEE ALL OF YOU FOR WHAT YOU REALLY ARE” Alfie starts rambling and Sue stammers saying “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP” Sue continues “I went to the past how long did you know? Is that why you saved us?” Zara replies “No No not-“ Sue then points at Bragar “YOU KNEW TOO, DIDNT YOU!?” And Bragar scratches his head and looks upset as well “What is happening why why why?!” Sue begins to fully cry and Zara holds her tightly as Sue cries “Why am I here??? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do- Did you save us because you knew or did you actually save us?” “I saved you. That’s all that matters”

And Truk gets a distinct memory from something in his past. Something that he remembers but didn’t process. Sue tells him “Keep on being strong please. Because there are people who are going to need you. I need you little brother.”

There’s nothing we love more than tying up loose ends with a little bow.

THOZALL SENT BABY CRUNCHER BACK. Return to sender. Mail man: Special delivery for Alfie! *holding a swaddled Cruncher in a Hannibal Lecter mask* Alfie: BOB OUR CHILD IS BACK! Bob: OUR BABY! Alethea: Nice digs! Cass: You get privileges when working with the right people

Alethea: It’s been a long time. We won. Cass: We lost- I died in that battle! Alethea starts backing away slowly Alfie: *mutters* Some people aren’t cut out for being with people in the military. Cass: It’s really not that bad. Alethea: We’re on the opposite side. Cass: Yep. Alethea: It’s really not that bad! We could always use more recruits. Please don’t do this. He’s going to kill all of you! Cass: And that’s bad! Alethea: He’s only trying to kill you because you’re against him. Cass: I’m only alive because of the gods! And Cassiandris rolls up her sleeves revealing the black veins. Zara rolls an arcana check. No illusion. No nothing. Alethea is just a regular elf. But she is saying the same things Emere was saying.

Cass: Please. It’s not too late to turn the other way! Some of them are really nice! Alfie: I literally made those display boards for your bread. Alethea throws a bunch of smoke bombs and runs away. She pulled a Bob. She got a cease and desist. Bragar is in pursuit. He cuts her off Sue is behind her and Bragar is staring down at Alethea and grabs her. She is tied up and taken to the camp. And Truk asks her why she works for him. Because the guards are vile, and she spurs in his face. And Sue asks how Russia falls. Thozall opened the gates. 

And Sue confesses what happened in the past. “I helped Russia fall.” Truk: Even when you have all the power you need balance. You can’t always intervene. But Alethea can't be reasoned with. Sue ponders for a second pressing a blade to Alethea’s neck. “You want the throne to yourself.” “I want that throne for someone deserving” “I’ve delt with people like you for so long-” and Sue slits her throat. And in a dull splatter Alethea ends.

“It would be funny if Alethea haunted Sue” Me: Sue drinks one of Bob’s enchanted beverages and immediately rolls “The last person you killed tells you things about their life no one wants to hear.” Alethea: Cassiandris is a horrible kisser-

Alfie drops Cruncher off at his parent’s house and is introducing them to everyone making sure that Cruncher won't try to turn anyone into Chicken wings. They're all getting along very well.

Alfie leaves the house, promising that everything will be okay. And Lanwel is waiting for him looking like the dwarf woman. Alfie: Hey Lanwel. Lanwel: I knew you'd see through it. Alfie: I see therapy with my double is helping. Lanwel: Yes, but I didn't have much of a choice. Alfie: My double is good at what he does. I'm actually my own therapist. Me: It takes an Alfie to mentally dissect and Alfie. He uses an illusion of himself as an impartial therapist.

Alfie asks what's on her mind and Lanwel is thinking of letting go of all of their forms.

“I've had my champions. But I can never reach her. This world doesn’t need someone to hold the sun. It needs someone to be the sun. Someone to watch over them.” Alfie promises that one day he will find a way to let them embrace. And they stand over the cosmos and we see Lanwel holding the sun and it glows bright, and she says “Tell Truk I’m sorry for being an asshole” And Alfie heads back and gives everyone the news “Lanwel is sorry for being a dick.”

Cassiandris: SHE CAN SAY THAT TO MY FACE. Alfie: She can’t, she became the sun. She never was the best at saying sorry. Liana: She said nothing to me? And the amulet around her neck glows and she feels a warmth. 

And the sun gets brighter and the snow melts away. Lanwel speaks into Truk’s mind “Thozall has stolen something of mine. Bring it back to me, king.”

Zara is helping sue take a bath “I’m sorry” “For?” “Everything. I never felt anything killing someone. But that first time it felt like someone.” Zara is cleaning up the blood splatters “It’s okay” “I- I was filled with… something. It had never been easy, but it felt good in a satisfying way.” “You were in your head doing something that felt right. Actually right. You were soldiers, right?” “Yeah, I was always pushed to do something. I know what to do but I don’t know if I can. Do I deserve that?” “I don’t know if I deserve this either. I’ve done bad things. I’ve killed people and wasted over 3000 years of my life doing bad things” “So, we’re not that different?" “I suppose not.” “So, what do we do?” “We try to be better. Take that pain and do something with it. I’m going to protect you all the best I can. And if it’s any consultation. I know when I die so I’m going to make it worth it.” “How long do you have?” “100 years. Maybe less. But I know it’s happening, and I can’t stop it.”

Everyone attempts to teleport, and Alfie attempts to bend that piece of space and time like he always does, and it snaps. He can feel out to location. And Russia is a massive blind spot. For Zara she reaches out and feels it roll over her hands and it shoots back.

Alfie: GOD DAMMIT YOU ASSHOLE- Zara: THAT GUY RENAMED RUSSIA- Rose: It’s actually name Thozall land-

This is one of the best sessions we've had in a while. Everyone got their part.

[zero-insignificance]

DND Recap: WE'RE BACK, BITCHES!!!

Cast Includes: Rose the DM and Liana, Me as Alfie and Bob, Cream the secondary dm and also Cassiandris, Rascal as Zara, Brick as Truk and Bragar, and Ender as Patrick

Rose: Unsuspecting trees~ BOO THEY’RE FLOWER HYDRAS!

Rerolling initiative Cassiandris is first (as usual)

Patrick gets on one knee holds his shield up and Truk VAULTS OVER HIM LIKE A BADASS and rages midair. He attacks plant boi 2. Truk accidentally hits Cassiandris cuz he got a nat 1

Bob teleports and fire bolts the second hydra bloom. Nat 20 so double damage.

Alfie turns to everyone “Stay away from the first one. I have something special planned” while holding his Starscourge Dagger with a manic grin on his face. Bragar: *readying breath weapon* CASSIANDRIS DUCK! Cassiandris: Goose! *ducks*

Ender forgot to roll initiative. They got a 22 so they’re going after Alfie.

Brick: chat. I got a nat 1. Me: You know what? Take a luck point. Brick: Really? Me: Yes.

I’m about to meteor swarm the first one but my weapon is deemed too powerful Swapped to a combo of Fireball and Melf’s minute meteors. 50 total fire damage Plant boi two releases a bunch of spores in a 30-foot cone. Patrick, Cassiandris and 

Me: What kind of damage? ROLL THE SAVE Me: OKAY! 25 fuck wrong character sheet 16. Rose: YOU FAIL. What is bob immune to. Me: He’s very immune to poison. Rose: Nothing happens. Me: He just gets a bit tipsy. Bob: DAMN THAT’S SOME GOOD SHIT-

Truk: *barely got grazed* Ew. What's that on my shoe? *wipes his boot in the dirt*

Liana casts Moonbeam on the plants.

Plant two does a thing. The heads that fell on the ground spring into Bloom Mites. 

Plant one does a thing. A cone of spores comes towards us. The echo next to Patrick does the ash baby thing Alfie takes a deep breath and exhales, harvesting some spores for research. He's a recovering alcoholic (Again. He drank heavily for a weak after Fluffy died.)

I changed the name of the hydra blooms to Plant Boi 1 and Plant Boi 2 on the owlbear map so everyone is calling them plant bois Cassiandris does a thing. Truk: It’s Trukin time. *fumbles* And Truk runs, going to tackle Plant monster 2. And he fails both times. He is restrained. Truk gets a plume of spores blown on him and thankfully succeeds the save.

Bob frees Truk through the power of friendship and a natural 20 with his axes of the dwarvish lords. "GET AWAY FROM MY FUTURE STEPSON-" Truk gives Bragar a nod. Bragar gives him a nod. And Bragar rages trying to grapple them and fails at first but succeeds on the second try. “The things I do for you.” and hoists the beast into the air.

Legendary action. Chomp. Brick: Bragar does not care. Me: Bragar uses Legendary action "No fucks given”

Alfie casts Abi-Dalzim's Horrid Wilting angling it so it hits plant boi 2 and a few heads. Cream leaves

Me: hehehe 69~ 5 seconds later. Me: I’m going to roll a charisma check from Bob to Alfie. 24. Alfie got a 20 to resist. Alfie: *blushes* Bob it is not the time. Not now. I’m still grieving- Bob: Sorry… Cream comes back and is like "What happened" Me: I rizzed myself. Liana reverses gravity. Alfie is fine. He’s just swimming through the air. He’s unaffected by gravity magic. It’s a him thing.

Liana and Patrick get sprayed with a poison spray Patrick is at one health. He is going to die.

Zara is rifling through her bag and pulls out Indiana Jones’s hat and casts Eldritch Blast and shoots head 3 twice and head 4 once. Succeeds on all two hits.

Me: No don’t open minecraft- Patrick: STOP PLAYING MINECRAFT PLANT ONE Me: The plant grumbles and throws the keyboard like a toddler having a tantrum. Patrick: Ay plant boi how you doin? Plant Boi: I’m good. Could be betta-

Bob claps his hands together and starts rubbing them together building up a static charge, and finger guns casting Witch Bolt. And a massive lightning bolt shoots out of his fingertips and INCINERATES plant boi 1. Patrick: YOU COULDN'T DO THAT EARLIER-

Bragar digs his talons into plant boi 2 dealing a bunch of slashing damage and is allowed to do slashing instead of bludgeoning with a flurry of blows as a bonus action.

And Truk and Bragar start to pull and the plant monster rips in half with horrible popping sounds. It sounds like forced rhubarb.

Liana drops the gravity spell, and the mites fall and turn into mush as they hit the ground.

But one of the plant mites hit Patrick going at terminal velocity. But unfortunately, Patrick died in combat. He is jam.

Zara: OH SHIT- Truk and Bragar: *mortified* Bob: Do I keep the memories???? Alfie: *unrolls spell scroll of revivify and glances at the puddle of viscera that is Patrick* I don't think this is gonna work-

Ender has left the campaign. Our reasoning to defeat Severa is to free his soul.

[zero-insignificance]

The Outbursts of Everett True was a comic strip that ran in papers from 1905 to 1927, wherein the aforementioned Everett True regularly beat the everliving shit out of rude people as a warning to anyone else who might consider being rude. Men have not only been taking up too much room on public transport for about as long as public transport has existed, but the people around them have been irritated about it for at least a hundred years. The next time someone tries to claim that manspreading is a false phenomenon, please direct them to this strip so that Everett True can correct their misconceptions with an umbrella upside the head.

[zero-insignificance]

Yes it is.

Behind the scenes of Saw II, 2005

[zero-insignificance]

DND Recap: Here Comes The Sun dodododo

Cast Includes: Rose the DM, Bob and Alfie (yours truely), Cassiandris and Lanwel (Cream), Truk and Bragar (Brick), Patrick (Ender), and Zara (Rascal)

Here Comes The Sun dodododo~

Alfie: SHH. I don’t want my kids to be more traumatized than they actually are! Lanwel: My children didn’t get that choice.

Lanwel holds Ecastriel’s mace. 

Truk stands up looking angry and starts talking.

"You know who else didn't get a choice? ME. I didn't have the luxury of being able to save everyone. I HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN MY FRIENDS CHILD OR THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD. i had to make a near impossible decision on whether or not to doom my world or save your child. YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW MUCH THAT HURTS. i know the pain of losing family. i lost my father not even a week after i found out they were my father. that is a pain that I don't think I will be able to get over for the next millennium. do NOT try and come for us for a choice that was necessary to my kingdom's survival. you have every right to be angry and grieving, but you have no right to attack those who had no choice. I had to choose between my entire world that i have a duty to protect or your child. I took no pleasure in killing your kid. but please tell me what other choice I had, go against my sworn duty to protect my world or destroy it all. I would do anything to save my subjects THAT is why I did what I did."

As he’s talking, Lanwel starts to raise the bow. Liana’s bow. And that look falls, and steam comes from her face as the tears hit her cheeks and she slowly lets up on the string in the end.

Truk walks up to her. And puts his hands on her shoulders. It’s like putting his hands on a pan that's slowly coming to room temperature. “I know you’re grieving. I know what it’s like. But let us live for the fact that we had no choice.” “He never wanted to kill you” “But he wanted to kill you. That would’ve killed everyone. You are just a grieving mother, and if you are ready we will take you back.”

Lanwel is wearing a sunburst pendant and she grabs it and says “I’m sorry-” she rips it off and she’s gone.

Liana is panicking cuz her god just EXPLODED IN FRONT OF HER. Cassiandriss: She does that a lot. Can I… Have the pendant? Truk holds it out and she pauses and says “I think someone else deserves it.” and she flips it to Liana and it SMACKS into Liana’s face.

Liana insults Zara and Zara is like “YOU STUPID FUCKIN BIRD-” Zara tries to smack Liana and Truk scruffs her and places her at the top of the stairs “Go” “I’M GOING TO KILL THAT BIRD THERE’S GONNA BE A CORPSE-”

Truk passes out on the floor. One of Cassiandris’s echos gets yoinked as a cuddle friend. They are freed by Alfie who replaces them with the giant teddy bear that Truk got from the Carnival in the beach episode. Tamago is passed out after partaking in some fairy fudge (fudge with pixie dust) snoring like a freight train, Alfie is tucking her in. Cassiandris asks if Alfie has anything stronger. Alfie: Bob smokes weed. Cassiandris: Oh I need something stronger than normal weed. Bob: It's fey strength. Cassiandris: for real? Hell yeah. They head outside to get zooted, and are joined by Scarlet. Bob is giggling and they all have mommy issues.

Bragar has some fudge and asks Alfie if he thinks that Truk has some of Brick’s wisdom. “That is not stuff from a traumatized 17 year old” Bragar goes to bed and passes out on the floor like a gmod model ragdolling. Alfie makes sure everyone is tucked in.

Next day Avala wakes everyone up.

Alfie is making breakfast. Bob has made coffees/tea for everyone 2 people confirm consumption of the drinks. Tamago and Cassiandris’s echo. The echo stubbed their toe and poof and Tamago gains a perfect plate of Duck Confit. You gain 20 temporary hit points upon consumption, but your speed is a minus 5 for the next hour.

Avala hands us a map to the next ruins.

Zara takes it and gets us a bit lost “I don’t know why I grabbed it. I’m terrible at navigation.”

Rose: Rascal. A 24 hits, right? Zara: WHAT THE FUCK-

So Patrick is handed the map. And Zara gets yoinked by a hostile Corpse Flower.

Cassiandris jumps in front of her tanking the damage

20 acid damage. They poof. Roll initiative.

Cassiandriss tries to hit the creature. One is a nat 1. It hits Zara. 15 points of slashing and 9 of psychic. Action surge on the beast.

It starts to bubble and pop and it explodes covering the party in plant guts. Bob hops into a shower and comes back out looking miserable mumbling about having spent so long on his hair.

Rose: Bingo Bonzai. Right on the money.

Liana, Cassiandriss, and Zara are bickering. Alfie casts silence on the party. They’re still bickering.

Alfie is scouting ahead. Patrick looks around and sees that the ground has been recently disturbed sees the petals of a Hydra Bloom.

Bob recognizes the petals and pulls out his Encyclopedia Titanica of Plant Monsters. It’s resistant to bludgeoning to piercing. Immune to poisoned, blinded, and deafened condition. It’s weak alone and likely attacks in groups. It is flammable. 

Most of the party is doing a perception check. Bragar and Truk are trying to see if there are any indications of it being near us Alfie is trying to pinpoint any vibrations in the ground. Cassiandris is trying to find the tracks. It’s like the tracks are overlapping like it's walking in circles. Truk and Bragar don’t see anything. Alfie senses that something is in the distance. “There’s something over there.”

We continue on with Alfie scouting ahead. There are some beautiful tropical plants ahead.

They spring to life. The only people who succeed the save are Bob, Alfie and Truk. 18 necrotic damage for the fails, 9 for success, Alfie has necrotic damage resistance so 5 damage Plant 1: PREPARE FOR TROUBLE Plant 2: AND MAKE IT DOUBLE-

Bragar and Truk keep getting the same rolls so from now on they roll the same turn. Rose: Tragar! That’s the ship name! Brick: THAT IS REALLY PROBLEMATIC- Me: BAD ROSE BAD Patrick: Do we just see a handcuffed Rose being dragged out of the forest? Me: Yes we do.

ROLL INITIATIVE.

Cass Patrick Plant 1 Zara Bob Tragar Plant 2 Liana Alfie.

Cass does 34 damage on the first attack

Ac is 23.

And we have to end session because it’s almost 10 for cream

We’ll continue the next session on Patrick’s turn.

We are on a temporary hiatus

[zero-insignificance]

DND Recap: Corroded Cavern

Cast Includes: Rose the DM, Bob and Alfie (yours truely), Cassiandris (Cream), Truk and Bragar (Brick), Patrick (Ender), and Zara (Rascal)

Cassiandriss is entering the cave cuz she thinks we’re going in.

Dragon: I’m going to have to eat you. Literally everyone: We’re not tasty

Truk: I think I’d taste really gamey Bob: I taste like sewage. I have not broken that curse cuz I keep forgetting. Cassiandriss: Have you ever eaten a pen? Alfie: *highly highly toxic blood cuz he's eldritch* I mean I probably taste good but- You will not survive eating me.

Zara casts Time Stop. We investigate the cave. Time stop ends, Alfie is the only one who rolled high enough on stealth, one of Bob’s baja blast smoke bombs fell out of his bag a *BOOM*

And we find that the ruins are on the dragon’s chest. They were given by Lady Severa.

And Cassiandris and Zara break the news that Severa didn’t care. And cuz Severa is a toxic bitch so she doesn’t want the ruins anymore.

Truk: Can I touch you? Dragon: Buy me dinner first. Everyone: HE’S 17 Truk: I AM A CHILD- Dragon: I’M SORRY-

After everything settles down Truk casts a 7th level dispel magic

His magic comes from his chest. There is an orangish reddish color and a blue that flows into his hand. It fails.

There are no magical ways to remove the ruins.

Patrick asks how far she’d go to get rid of them. If she’d go through pain to get rid of them. Yes. Cassiandirs: I know someone who has a penchant for burning things off. Just don’t speak to her. She’s in a bad mental state right now. Zara has Comprehend Languages Alfie: Damn that’s just word soup on your chest!

These runes are just parts of Severa’s phylactery. These words come form the very first magic users.

Most magic users don’t know why you use certain runes, just that using those runes can make a phylactery. Severa has an understanding of the runes.

Zara is caressing the runes. Alfie: Do those hurt? Dragon: I do not recognize the pain anymore. Alfie: So pain is an old friend. Is there a name we can call you? Dragon: I don’t remember my name… But I go by Scarlet. Patrick: How old are you? Scarlet: 900. Patrick: Oh, so you're ancient- Alfie: What's this "little one" nonsense? I'm older than you and taller in my true form.

Truk sits down and starts meditating.

It’s God Bingo nigh. Alfie canceled so he couldn't attend bingo night. Me: How much Ketamine does it take to put a dragon under? Scarlet doesn’t want to be put under.

Cassiandris is gay It's surgery time~ Patrick goes looking for plants and finds the exact plant he’s looking for. It’s a very toxic plant but the stems can be used as a very powerful anesthetic.

People are disinfecting everything Bragar is being used as a flamethrower Patrick has given us a dragon anatomy book Scarlet: Watcha lookin at~ Cassiandris and Zara: *blushes and turns the page*

Alfie: *Injecting localized anesthetic* Through the aesthetic she can feel the pain. Alfie successfully removes a scale and a new one takes its place Patrick suggests scratching out the runes to negate their effect.

So Scarlet shifts into a 6’5 fire genasi.

Bob: Omigosh I love your dress! Scarlet: Thanks, I made it myself! Bob: You can pay off that debt by doing a clothing collab with me for one of my next drag shows~

Part of Bob's journey is gaining enough clothes and dresses to make his equivalent of the tv show RuPaul's Drag Race.

Next up, trying to scar a shape shifted dragon.

“If we can use acid to imbue a godly artifact with it-” “So I’m going to be impaled?” “No, we’re just gonna cut you” "Kinky~" "HE'S 17!" "THAT IS A CHILD"

Rose: I'M SORRY CAN WE RETCON THAT- Me: YOU'RE THE DM-

So, through Cassiandris, Alfie and Truk are going to channel their power through her like a conduit. It’s just that one scene at the end of season on of Shera and the Princesses of Power Rose: Scarlet kneels before Cassiandris and presents herself to her- There has to be a better way I can say this- Me: Scarlet kneels before Cassiandris and says “HAVE AT THEE.”

Cassiandris slashes across the wounds carefully, missing any vital organs. It's successfull. Truk: You could move into this mountain that had a recent opening? Alfie: The only catch is that you don’t try to kill the kingdom when they get a bit rowdy. Scarlet: Oh I love noise, I'm the life of the party! :3 Cassiandris: *insults Zara ending up sounding a bit racist*

Bragar, Zara, and Alfie: *offended in draconic bloodline* Scarlet: I think they’d be quite fetching as a dragon.

Rose: Roll a flat charisma check Cassiandriss keeps rolling bad. Zara got the highest in the end.

Cassiandris: *sad in lesbian* Alfie: I apologize if this sounds racist but I have a dragonborn child that got kidnapped and I would appreciate having someone around to have a tie to their culture that I’m not very familiar with- Scarlet: Of course! Any time you feel like stopping by! Wait you all have kids? Alfie: Yes. I’ve adopted so many kids (983 kids. 980 adopted) Zara is canonically a GILF. Brick: Bragar has kids. THEY NEVER TOLD HIM- BRAGAR HAD SEX- Rascal: NOOOOOOOOOO-

Casssiandris gives Scarlet some flowers and gey panics away Tamago has fallen asleep against Zara.

Scarlet: I can’t believe she tricked me so easily Zara: It happens. Alfie: *holding 6-year-old Sora* Tell me about it. I’ve been tricked many times Scarlet: OH, I get it! You’re called the Trauma Dump cuz you’re all traumatized! Patrick: How did it take you that long to figure that out. LOOK AT HER *points at Zara* Zara: WHY AM I GETTINIG ALL THE SHADE!? What the fuck!?

One of Cassiandris’s echos waves Scarlet over to Cassiandris Cassiandris: after the whole… God killer Thozall thing- I could show you around Russia? Echo: *doing the whole pretending to make out with another person thing* Scarlet: I'd like that. Cassandris teleports off and in the distance is a very high-pitched scream

Morticia: PUT ME TO FUCKING BED ASSHOLE Tamago: FUCK YOU

Cassiandris: *reappears and grins smugly* Zara: *Ignores Cassiandriss and tries to get her kids to just stop*

Scarlet: Alfonse, was it? Do you have a room big enough for me? Alfie: Yeah hang on. Alfonse waves his hand over a wall and the decor slides away from the center and the dry wall and supports slide to the side creating a doorway to a very large and spacious room.

Cassiandriss: They could really use your help. I don’t know where you’ve been but they need you.

And there’s the sound of a roaring flame and the door opens, and we see Lanwel in her true form. Alfie immediately shushes her and teleports off with Sora because he doesn’t want her to be any more traumatized than she already is (Lanwel is like "my kids didn't have a choice." Like that isn't her fault) with the loss of her parent Fluffy Scruffington a few months ago and tucks her into bed, giving her a kiss on the head and tells her to be a good girl for her grandparents. He does the same thing to Sasha and Sarah, his twins and his infant adopted son, Brambleton.

[zero-insignificance]

We are a very very dumb, stupid people

[zero-insignificance]

DND Recap: Into The Woods

Cast Includes: Rose the DM, Bob and Alfie (yours truely), Cassiandris (Cream), Truk and Bragar (Brick), Patrick (Ender), and Zara (Rascal)

Cassiandris: Raise your hand if you don’t have a child

Bragar: *thinking hard in a dream* Do I have kids

Inari (Cat Girl): Are you taller? Zara: No I’m not. *just has really good posture*

Patrick: *eating memory marbles* Zara: What would happen if I ate one of those Truk remembers being a baby and is surrounded by creatures “This explains a lot”

Zara remembers her 400-year emo phase

Us trying to figure out how time passes in the nap sack. Severa returns in 5 days

Avala: Are you coming? Alfie: Yeah I gotta pull something out of the oven. Zara: I sent Severa into a specific point in time. I estimate 5 days. Avala: Sevara has gone through great lengths to gain power. Many ways of gaining immortality are hard work. Severa has managed to reverse engineer the methods for liches to gain immortality. They are disguised well enough to not been seen through true sight but Severa doesn’t know the forest well enough. And as far as I know she doesn’t know the tunnels. One of them being the moles. And since Severa has taken over they’re not small. Some of them are as tall as Bragar on his hind legs, some as tall as him on all fours. I would recommend being very quiet. Patrick: *stuffing cloth between the plates of his armor* 

Alfie claps his hands together and a smooth echoey voice slips into your mind “You’ve always know sign language” get gaslit. I have Bob do a con save to see if he can not be a simp to his own patron *nat 1* and immediately buckles cuz he’s a bottom.

Cassianris: *wakes Liana* Liana: NO I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY LICKS TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP-

When we come back we’ll see one of Cassiandirs’s echos, Tamago the Cat Girl, and Hatsune Miku playing Uno with Liana.

He deadbolts the front door to the pocket dimension.

And he turns to the nap sack and says “If someone who looks like this shows up in any way eat them” *holds up unflattering slightly blurry photo of Severa* Rascal: That is exactly what I was picturing.

Alfie gives Bragar night vision goggles

Everyone sees a small furry object sprinting towards us. It is a tiny star nosed mole that has no eyes Cassiandris: *signing* He is infinitesmial. The mole doesn’t smell anything. He runs off and bumps into a wall.

And we come across a fork in the road. One to the left, one to the right and one in the middle Cassiandris’s echo sees daylight at the top of the hole. It’s a well in the middle of Rosepeak. Zara goes down the right tunnel and sees a massive cavern with holes everywhere. Alfie sees a very deep pit that seems bottomless on the left path Alfie and Bob: *signing in sync* That pit is deeper and darker than my depression.

One of the echos leaps down into the pit (double peace signs) It took 5 minutes to reach the bottom. They poof when they reach the bottom Patrick points up to Rosepeak. He forgot he now knows sign language.

Cat Girl Name Intermission Sue, Mai, Tamago, Inari, Haileigh, Verusya, Bethany, Cassandra, Sasha, Ari

Severa has been in Rascal’s universe for one of our days which is 720 years. She was put in the catacylsm where she was greatly weakened, trying to break a lock to ours.

Alfie and Zara sense that there are a lot of creatures in the Tunnels Cassiandris sees 10 massive sleeping moles We all roll stealth. The lowest anyone got is a 21. We succeed. The Moles have a 21 on a perception check Meets it doesn’t beat it. I use a luck point for Rose to reroll. We succeed

We sneak past and they are almost as big as Bragar if they were to stand on their hind legs. We find tree roots. They lead up. They are the roots of a sickly cedar tree.

Cassiandris and Patrick climb the roots. Alfie: *signing to Bob and Zara* Did they honestly forget that I can fly?

They make it to the surface and see that they are in the middle of the woods. And it’s quiet. Too quiet. So Patrick YEETS a rock into the woods to see if any animals are hiding there. And when it hits the ground it echos. Many trees have the claw marks of grizzly bears deep in the bark

Zara climbs up and sees Patrick signing “Large animal. Claws.” The claw marks show that the bear was being dragged away. There are singe marks on some of the trees. Patrick signs “dragon” Zara: *relieved* Patrick: *shakes head* Zara: *dissapointed no* Everyone makes it out of the trees alive.

The tree is oozing a black liquid. It is magic in nature Zara takes a couple of samples and gives one to Alfie. Patrick pokes the ooze with a living tree branch and it seeps into the branch, making it look sickly. Patrick immediately drops it.

Truk is about to touch the tree and Alfie TACKLES him

Bob casts speak with plants on the tree Tree: What do you want? Bob: What happened to you Tree: Cursed by woman Zara: Curse? Alfie: *holds up photo* did she look like this? Tree: Yes… two are gone- kill me-

Zara casts Blight. The tree screams in agony but doesn’t die The tree has a small etching in it. It’s a heart that says S&M in it

Zara senses immense magic coming from the heart Bob has to take off his gloves to cast mending on the heart. Bob: This going to be HELL on my sensory issues

He readies himself to put his hand on it to cast mending. Patrick and Zara ready up in case anything bad happens The ooze evaporates and the tree dies Bob is fighting throwing up cuz of the texture of the ooze, Alfie is holding his hair back. Bob: please tell me one of you has prestidigitation- Zara: I do!

And we hear birds And we see a path and go down it.

Alfie gives Bragar bracers of defense and a ring of protection and has prepared a Fizban’s Platinum Shield.

We see a cave. There are bones and singe marks. Zara smirks and rolls perception. There are bits of ground missing.

This is the lair of a dragon. There are scaled on the ground. Copper scale. This is an adult copper dragon.

“Out. Only Lady Severa is allowed in this domain.”

And we leave. Zara out of the corner of her eye sees Cassiandris at the entrance of the cave and runs back. Then everyone else runs back.

The session ends with Alfie face palming “Oh gods none of them have self preservation skills-” and he follows.

[zero-insignificance]

DND Recap: How Do We Kill Her if She Doesn’t Bleed

Cast Includes: Rose the DM, Bob and Alfie (yours truely), Cassiandris (Cream), Truk and Bragar (Brick), Patrick (Ender), and Zara (Rascal)

“Are you alright?” Bob: Is that another British person I hear?

Rose: I’ve been watching the magnus archives a lot

Amber eyes, brown hair with green highlights She pulls out some healing spells

“How hurt are you?”

Bragar: *muscles are visible* Oh I didn’t know that was there Lady: *gives out scrolls of revivify* Lady: What has that woman done now? Bob: She’s gone a bit crazy… Lady: I am Avala. Bob: YOU’RE THE FORMER GOD OF THE FOREST???? Patrick: You don’t seem very godly. Avala: She stole my power… She was once kind to the forest but- I thought it was in a warlock way but she took it- Zara deduces that this is some kind of fey magic Bob: I used to be evil but I wasn’t THAT evil- Avala: She has found every way to become immortal and stolen it for herself. Zara: How can we severe it? Avala: Play by her rules. Trick her. Zara: *coyly smiles* oh yiss Me: You are one devious bastard. It’s on her license plate. Rascal: Yes. That’s literally on her car.

Alfie: Alright everyone into the pocket dimension. *cuts a hole into the fabric of reality* Alfie’s pocket dimension is a cottage inside the fucking void. Looking out the windows you can see darkness. Black fog. And a well keep lawn. Patrick heads outside and sees a fucking lovecraftian horror.

It’s just Alfie’s Auntie Shoggoth.

Patrick panics. 

Auntie Shoggoth was dropping off some cookies. She looks like this:

Bragar has a hand crocheted blanket over him by Alfie:

It looks like this but bigger.

Rascal is on the way to the store. They met a cat “I CAN’T ADOPT ANOTHER CAT- ” And they keep coming across more cats.

this photo is 53x50 pixels

I recently got a new phone and I LOST ALL MY ELDRITCH LORE-  Patrick got stuck in the void. One of Cassiandris’s echo’s guides him back to the cottage.

Zara is going to the store cuz Alfie ran out of eggs. There’s a Walmart, the infinite ikea, and a dollar general.

Brick: THERE’S ALWAYS A DOLLAR GENERAL- We get side tracked by how many dollar generals are in each state and Rascal ALMOST GOT HIT BY A CAR. 1 dollar general in Montana but 20 in Rhode Island.

Zara gets back from the store and hops into the Nap Sack and she doesn’t see Sue Mai: She went into a door! IT WAS WEIRD- Zara: Already? Damn. How did the door look?

Mai: It was yellow with a black handle

Zara: Oh that’s not was I expected Cream: Has Zara been in the Magnus Archives world? Rascal: Yes. She was in there for a few months and s t r u g g l e d Zara: Don’t worry about it too much. Mai: Are you sure? Zara: Yes. She enters the dining hall. It is next to destroyed Zara: YOU DIDN’T TELL ME THE DINING ROOM WAS DESTROYED- Mai: I WAS PREOCCUPIED WITH MORTICIA-

There is a long rectangular shaped mark on the floor. Zara goes to leave the nap sack. The Nap Sack begins to violently shake and Zara hears the fabric tearing and throws the astral cloak on Mai and the kids disappear.

There is a tear in space itself. It’s Severa tearing her way through. Zara: Someone’s desperate to find me~ Severa: Not you. I’m not into furries. Zara: You want me? Severa: Not all of you. Just the parts that are timeless Zara: Then you better catch me!

Cue multiverse of madness esque chase sequence. There’s a sign to the gym, pool, theater and “Do not enter under any circumstances.”

Zara immediately goes into that door. (Zara’s parents last name is “Applesauce Meow Meow)

Zara sees what is essentially a funhouse mirror maze. It’s just the magnus universe and she sees a guy at a table recording statements. *retconned* It’s actually a room for Bob and Alfie in the future. For those who can warp the fabric of reality. When Bob ascends as the god of chaos after Discord’s death he will use that room to learn to control his chaos magic better. (probably becoming the God of Chaos and Order) *possibly retconned*

It’s actually a deep dark room. You can’t even see yourself when you enter. She has entered a room that is painted Vantablack. Meanwhile with everyone else: *snork mimimi*

Bob: The Napsack is violently shaking- Patrick, Truk and Bob follow and see the massive rip.

Patrick is trying to find Zara He finds the door and is like “That won’t stop me cuz I don’t know how to read!” Zara rolls stealth and got a 12 to hide. Severa: There you are. You’re going to have to give up your power. Zara: Why should I? Severa: Then I will kill everyone you love. Zara: Then you’ll have to find the source. Severa: I’m very aware of Time’s affiliation with you. Patrick: *calling out for Zara*

Zara: *ignoring Patrick* Oh do you~ *casts firebreath* Zara is trying to get out of Severa’s grasp. She succeeds. And she runs and hides. Patrick bumps into Zara and Zara hears a voice behind her, it’s Time “Keep Running” Patrick: Did Alfie put you in time out?

Rewind before they reunite

Cream tells Rascal to roll two constitution saves a disadvantage. She takes 200 necrotic damage. And she rots away. Dying. Patrick sees this.  This isn’t the first time she’s died and time reverses. And Time appears “You really need to stop getting in these kinds of things” And Zara shouts “FUCK THAT HURTS” everything freezes. Severa is frozen but Zara can feel her eyes following her. It’s like how the author that wrote Hannibal Lecter said that he can feel him looking at him through the pages. Alfie is not affected by the time stop. He’s just come back from spending time with his kids and keeps cooking and is just speed running prep work.

Zara: What do I do? Time: You’ll need a bit more than what you have right now. Zara: I just died now. Time: Technically no but yes. 

Zara: What do I do now? Time: How about I give you more of my power? They’re a bit more powerful than you can handle right now. And Zara can feel her soul becoming a bit more empowered. She changes. She feels stronger.

Zara: Is that it? Time: Well I do want to say this.

And she whispers something we cannot hear. And time begins to resume for her friends.

Her friends show up and she has a new cloak, a few rings and a necklace Zara: I never told you this but… I’m immortal. Truk: I KNEW IT. Bob and Alfie: We know Lanwel: *in the distance* so that’s why- Brick: Technically Time is Truk’s aunt

Brick the God of Gods was the oldest sibling. Azathoth is the middle child. Time is the Youngest.

Brick: I’m gonna roll something. Me: An intelligence check? Insert nat 1 Brick: *muffled laughter* Rascal: What did you get? Brick: i got a nat 1. Truk still doesn’t know that Time is his Aunt. Bob and Zara are unintentionally matching color scheme wise. Bob is wearing this.

Cassiandris: Why is she frozen Alfie: Don’t touch her, she has Rabies Truk: *teleports away*

Alfie taps on Cassiandris’s shoulder and says “I meant to give this to you a long time ago but stuff happened so here!” and he hands her a golden friendship bracelet. Cassiandris is now wearing a mark of his protection. A similar one appears in Vantablack on the echos.

Zara: How did she find us?

Cassiandris essentially uses magic to conceal our presence from scrying and detection. Severa is sent to a different plane. 

Zara plane shifts herself. “GUYS I FORGOT MY CHILDREN-”