zion-x

[zion-x]

Colors

You asked this question a lot and I’ve been meaning to answer this one at the most concrete answer I could give. “How much do I really love you?” 

They say love is colorful. That’s because love has many ups and downs. Love has many representations. Love goes through every color. Red, represents your base love but it also represents anger. Blue, represents peace in your relationship but it also represents your downs and loneliness. Yellow, represents happiness and sunshine in your relationship but it also represents your holdbacks and steps you didn’t and cannot take because of cowardice. Green, represents healing but comes also with pain, when there is pain there is also a point for healing. Orange, represents joy in the relationship but also delineates tension. Pink represents hope but also depicts a lack of willpower, self-reliance, and self-worth. The point here is that, yes love is colorful, but it does not represent one side. The representation of one cannot exist without the other. 

However, there are also colors that are always disregarded. Colors that when put together won’t create the feelings given by the others. These colors are the colors of nothingness. Black and White. White represents purity or innocence but also sterility, detachment, disinterest, isolation, and emptiness. Black represents strength, seriousness, power, and authority but also villainy, war, chaos, despair, and death. So, how much do I really love you? Is my love for you is colorful? Is my love for you can be seen in the colors of the rainbow? Or is my love for you a plain black or white? What are the colors that represent my love for you? The answer is none. My love for you is not as colorful as the rainbow or as plain as paper and ink. Cannot even be represented by our favorite colors. When my eyes are open, I see different gradients but my love for you is not there. When my eyes are closed, I see emptiness but my love for you is not there. Does that mean, I don’t love you? No!.  

Because my love for you is as colorful as the colors I’ve never seen before. It’s the colors, I cannot name. The colors with no concrete representation. These colors exist but I cannot comprehend them. It has shades of all colors that I think will make up black but no, it makes up a whole new color. A more colorful color that no one could comprehend. It’s a color that exists, that simply exists, and that only represents one thing which is my love for you and its rate, its size, its value. So how much do I really love you? I love you to the point that I can see colors that I have never seen before. I love you. -For the person who’ll let me believe that colors have love. -Until we meet.

[zion-x]

Nth & 2 days

The year was 2013 and he just turned 11. Two days after his birthday, he had this dream where he saw three 7′s everywhere. Maybe that is because he watched this viral video entitled “Angelica’s Testimony” before the said dream. But the weird thing is that he had been dreaming this three 7′s ever since and this dream turned into his nightmare. What are the odds of that dream turning into a nightmare? Well he doesn’t know, maybe because his grandma just died that year and he was just 11 years old.

A clueless 11-year-old, doesn’t know what is the meaning of his dream. Is it a first three lotto number? Is it the number of days where his life changes? Or is it the number of days, weeks, months or years before his life ends? A clueless 11-year-old doesn’t know what to do.

The day after that dream was raining. Not just a normal rain but a very heavy rain. Now clueless 11-year-old, doesn’t know what to think now. He is always thinking about that dream he had that night, and then thoughts went back again. And there he decided to be with God.

He asked his elders about this dream yet did not get answers. He asked his classmates, yet he got some weird explanations. Well, what are in the minds of 11 years old? He asked every people he thought might give him answers, but he couldn’t find any. He chose to shut his mouth and remembered something from his Bible Vacation School. A verse from Matthew 7, “Ask and it shall be given”. So he call unto God, asked his question, but he didn’t think his question was answered. So instead he thought that those numbers were his countdown for how much time left he have before he go to the afterlife. But he doesn’t know the what. Is it days? weeks? months? or years? maybe decades? maybe centuries? He doesn’t know. Afraid of dying is the reason why he went closer to God.

Seven days have past and he is still alive. gladly, and so clearly it is not 7 days left. So he thought maybe 7 weeks? Counted the one week past and then November came and he is still alive, and so again clearly it is not 7 weeks left. And then again he thought maybe 7 months? A clueless 11-year-old boy went crazy. In the span of 7 months, he almost became a philosopher. Asking, what does life truly means? Afraid of death he asked, “Am I gonna be missed?”. Talking words of wisdom. Reading his bible frequently. Praying and still asking what does it mean every day, every night. Praying every day and every night. April is weeks near, he went in total silence. Thanking God for the days, weeks and months he had lived. April came, he waited only until that day, and he is still alive. And so again, crystal it ain’t 7 months left. Nightmares of April have past and then he realized that, that month brought him closer to God. The fear of death brought him closer to his Almighty Father. It was his 12th birthday and two days after this dream came back, but this time he knows what he should do. And at that age he had foreseen what he needs to do.

He became a teacher in Bible Vacation School when he was on his 6th grade. Teaching his fellow children of the God, the message of the bible, the purpose of his words and the words he wanted his children to hear, that became his solely purpose. He went to outreaches, teaching bible lessons, and sharing the gospel, but then he went to high school.

Challenges his family faced ain’t that easy. In fact he had to work a part time job to sustain for his school. He became a responsible kid. Busy on his new life he had forgotten his solely purpose, his nightmares, simply forgotten what happened. He focused on his practical life. Deceived by the thought of “high school will be the best four years of your life”. He went full burst. He did what he wanted to do. All the things he thought could make him happy and cherish every moment before he left after 7 years but then this so called “solely purpose” of his became a “you only live once”. But still the dream of three 7′s hunted him. It was his 13th birthday and 2 days after, the dream came back. He just didn’t care. And focused on his practical life.

Another year have past, many things happened. But still this dream always hunting him down. Again for the 3rd year, it was his 14th birthday and two days after this dream came back. It is now weird so this time, he decided to go back to who he was. He entered this church near their subdivision and participated in this youth group. The church also do outreaches and so he did that again. He went back to zero. He doesn’t care because still he is supporting other leaders teaching kids the gospel. Feeling unwelcome and busy on his studies, he again went back to his busy life. He had a choice and he chose “you only live once”.

Fourteenth year of existence is ending and now for the 4th time. It was his 15th birthday and 2 days after the dream came back, this time he has to choose, whether to go back to his “solely purpose” or continue in his “you only live once��. He chose the latter. So much for his fun life, he went times ten in his full burst, or more than that. Distracted by the thought of fun. Stressed by what happened between his parents. Focused on looking ways to become numb. He did things he didn’t thought he’ll do. He started from drinking to smoking, to sex, to drugs. Parties are his new alone time. Clubs are his new church. Magazines became his new bible. His life fucked up. So lost by his so called fun, he tried to pick his self up.

Lost, distracted, demotivated and nowhere to go. On his 16th birthday for the 5th time, two days after the dream came back. No idea what to do, he went on hiking. He realized everything after the hike. He saw a beautiful view, and viewed his new pick-yourself-up plan. Tired of having fun, he went from full burst to a plan amateur. Viewed the world in the perspective of others. Learned new skills. Care not about what is happening around the world that won’t benefit him. Gradually stopped his being alcoholic drunkard to a healthy tea person. Gradually stopped his smoking addiction which is the hardest in his new pick-your-self up plan. Studies instead of parties. His office instead of clubs. Business related books instead of magazines. His fucked up life became rich-like/rich-minded life. He succeeded but he felt something is missing. Getting used to his well-minded life, he realized that the missing piece in his new life is the biggest of them all. That is God.

The beginning of his Senior High School is pretty easy but there is always this feeling that something is missing. And for the 6th time on his 17th birthday and 2 days after the dream came back and reminded him the biggest piece missing in his new life, which is God. He forgot to put God in all of his plans. He forgot the church first before office. He forgot to read bible first before business books. He was too busy picking his self up and forgot to put his self back to God. And so again, he decided to repent and return.

New school, new schedules. Busy days and loads of homework plus his work is making his return to God difficult but he is trying. This time God helped him in a crystal way. God let him meet this new girl who helped him return to thy Almighty. This girl is quiet but a God-centered person. She helped him return to God in a very unique way. They both did what they he wanted and used to do. Mix it up with what she wanted and used to do. Then one night while they were sitting on a bench in front of a church some random person talked to them, and this person is God’s help number two. The guy is the person whom led them into finding a ministry inside their school. A ministry that won’t affect their tight schedules, a win-win God serving opportunity. This is how God works in mysterious way. But a lot of people gave up on him even though he doesn’t give up on them because serving him is not easy. Challenges will happen and sometimes these challenges will make you question him.

Trying to get back on track a new challenge is happening on this clueless boy. During the pandemic his work restarted. His family’s problems was bigger. Bigger to the point that it affects his well-being. Bigger to the point that he thought of ending his life. He doesn’t know what to do, again, now. He ran away to avoid his problems. He went on a hike for the purpose of ending his life. He thought of jumping from the top of a mountain and hoped to die. He hiked to the peak with his eyes on his feet. He went to that swing where you are just a meter away from death. Thought nothing but dying he raised his right foot up leaving one foot in the ground. Now he is just a foot away to afterlife. What comes next is unbelievable, his unconscious mind almost did not noticed. A strong wind pushed him to sit in a swing where he saw a beautiful view and tears suddenly fell from his eyes. The thought of death turned into his siblings’ smiles. And tears fell for the purpose he didn’t know yet. But at that moment he knows, God did something again. The questions left are the what will happen next.

He knows challenges will come even during an unfinished challenge. He will cry a lot of tears, he knows. It would take some time, he knows. He will probably question God’s doings, he knows. But the only thing he is pretty sure of, he won’t give up on God because God is not giving up on him. God did not gave up on him, and he knows that God will not give up on him. He is proud to be the Almighty Father’s son. 

In the present, he has a lot of questions about his dream. A lot has happened lately is his life. A lot of people, he tried to put smiles on their faces were all mad at him. He wants only for them to smile and see the light in every challenges, but the opposite happened. Therefore he thought he made it worse and he doesn’t know what to do now. Now the 7th year / 7th time is coming and so his questions are getting bigger. He doesn’t know what will happen in his dream considered nightmare. His curiosity rose. He felt weird, afraid, and clueless because his dream already happened six consecutive times. This will be the 7th time, the 7th year and maybe the last year of his life as what he thought back then. He doesn’t know.

He admit, as the date getting closer. His fear is coming back and getting bigger. It happened 6 consecutive times, same date. Now it is creepier when its nearing. What will happen in the 7th year? The 7th time? Will it be positive? Like will it be the end of the pandemic? Will it be the end of all environmental crisis? Will it be another negative event? Will it be his biggest pivot in life? Or will it be his last day in this life? Or will it be his second coming? Many thoughts, many questions are getting inside his mind now. Might think he is paranoid but he is just afraid. But God has his full trust. The answers to his question or even the question doesn’t exist yet. The only way to know is when the day comes. The unknowns are still in the 7th and two days after.

[zion-x]

My Plan? His will be done.

My Flesh

Set its plans for the year

List its wants for the year

Outline its needs for the year

Got itself ready to face the year

But I hope this body won't tear

For this physique is nothing from what he could bear.

He

Has the best plan for this year

He

Knows what I really want for this year

He

Drafted what I really need for this year

He

Readied me to face this year

He who knows everything

He is the king

I will follow the king

God is with me, I can do everything

#2020 #NewYear #Day1of366 #First #Dreiiii