zmathoughts

[zmathoughts]

i hope and wish you the best though. I did try i promise

[zmathoughts]

i think im at my end point with this

[zmathoughts]

Id want us to be alright, i really do.

[zmathoughts]

Stagnation

i need to remind myself it isnt that, a jump at anything that isnt where i want my roots to be is a big mistake and burn out waiting to happen. I know its been said over and over previously but i know my worth, I made it this far and just because things are slow doesnt meant they are at a standstill, the wait will be worth it, i promise.

[zmathoughts]

i swear im a better writer, right now im just a bit of a mess

[zmathoughts]

i feel something happening in june. big changes, idk for what, im hopeful ill get the job i want, maybe thats what i need. Its guilty to say im enjoying this small break again, i didnt like the clinic job. My chest hurts right now. i think im going to add pictures here eventually

[zmathoughts]

i dont get it, ive been as open as hospitable, as warm to coming to. I havent acted angry annoyed bothered or anything when talked with so then why isnt it working. Every time it get solved another way it just pierces at me. i hate saying this but im losing my grip slowly. and its so damn hard to just think its going to get better because it doesnt, its the same thing every time. and im being patient i stg, im not being dramatic right now, its just trying to be as understanding and empathetic but some things just arent as easily able to just let them go, youve been distant at times, youve been hard to understand and i know its not your fault, your trying to understand it yourself but it can feel overwhelming. Tomorrow its going to be the same thing, if you dont open up, youre going to act different, and you wont even bring it up until i decide to talk to you. WHy cant you work with me on this, do you think i can do this over and over, does it cross your mind. ive been good to you, i know i have, but youre losing me, and im doing my best here to not let it happen.

[zmathoughts]

QHC

May 11 draft

It's been a while since I last wrote. Before, writing and journaling my thoughts grounded me and tbh I dont think I would have kept my sanity those moments in the program when things took such a nosedive. I'm going through it now in a way but not as bad as before but it doesnt hurt to write.

Its been 3 week working at my new job. To be honest, it felt lonely... I spend 6 years working what I know, with the kids who were also such amazing support and with great co workers and a great boss. Now, I didnt have any of that, I had to relearn a new rhythm of daily process and start from 0 with no one. Week 1: I saw my office of where I'd take care of patients, my first tasks (all just trainings) and I also got to meet a lot of my new coworkers. I caused a stir, mainly because of my position: RN. Theres levels to the clinic I work at, it goes like

Manager

Assistant Manager

RN's (registered nurses)

LPN's (Licensed Practical nurses)

MA's (medical assistants)

Clerks

Stock

Theres only 4 RN's out of 40+ something workers and were in charge the workload we're given and overlooking the other roles. In a sense were like your leader in the unit. When I was brought aboard the site, no one thought I was an RN because of my age and my already looking younger factor. I actually got mistakenly scolded by one of the LPN's for doing trainings in my room, she saw me and started telling me I shouldnt be touching the computer and need to help her find the trays for a procedure. I had to explain to her that I was the new RN and her tone and demeanor changed so quickly after that. Even now I think she feels bad, she calls me "jefe (boss)" now which was my first actual nickname here. I'm overwhelmed with all these new faces, they somehow remeber my name when I can't. This is also when i started to see the FIRST of the bad of working with nurses : GOSSIP. But theres also stuff like dating and just cheating. this is a clinic ffs. week 2: i think im better than this, i run my team and unit so well. I started bonding with my coworkers, they really like just getting to know me, i accidentally locked my stuff in my locker and left the key in my bag. I had to break the lockers floor above mine and claw my bag up to get the key. Theres so much going on, im learning new techniques and it feels good.

week 3: i saved a life today, someone was hving an allergic reaction and i was called by the lpn on the room because they thought he was having a severe asthma attack. its easy to tell the difference if you have a stethoscope and know where to identify lung sounds. I ran to get my epipen and slammed it into their thigh. i never seen a face, tongue and lips deflate like that. the older staff still call me the sites baby, its seriously annoying but they think they can get away with it because theyve been here 20+ years. Im not happy here, everyone tells me i could do so much more. Im going to find a city hospital and spread my wings

[zmathoughts]

idk

it just feels bad. if something i said came out wrong im sorry. I was just trying to be more open to compromise. Did i make you feel some type of way? did i seem controlling? i didnt want that. I think tomorrow might be better, im still hopeful

[zmathoughts]

if im making this more open i should probably delete whatll make things obvious

[zmathoughts]

who then

who grounds me when Im grounding them

[zmathoughts]

Dandelion

To my sweetest girl who I always notice trying her best. I love you. You’re going to walk out of the mud, disheveled, tired and exhausted but you’re going to be a diamond. I’ll help you each step of the way I promise.

[zmathoughts]

You get what you put into it?

[zmathoughts]

tax man

My accountant called me about my taxes. I didnt work a lot this year mainly due to me doing the Nursing program. He's a really interesting guy though, he lived on my block when i lived in sunnyside. He used to own his own building and slowly over time he slowly lost it. It went from a building, to a floor, to just a small section inside a laundromat and then he lost it entirely and instead did business from his car. He's a good man, very charismatic, always has something wise to say with his NY accent. He treats me like a son, anytime i see him, he always hugs me and makes me coffee and a this puerto rican pastry. Im not a fan of it, its way too sweet but i always eat it because he wants to talk about life. I also drink the coffee for him even though it gives me the worst reflux. What's interesting about him is that hes always open about his past. He made the news once for stealing $50,000 from clients back in the early 2000's. But since then hes been trying to just make things work. He always tries to get me to invest in things but I make sure not to follow in to what he advises. I couldnt see him today so we talked on the phone. He knew i graduated and right now hes not doing the best on money but as he went on his life teachings and how proud he was, he told me the only thing he could give was his services free this time and a "very warm hug over the phone for the son i never had". I thought that was sweet.