all-of-the-above

[all-of-the-above]

Here is a very important message. Vulnerability IS NOT weakness. To be vulnerable is to be open to new things, to be open with people, to new relationships, to emotions, to experiences. Be comfortable with yourself and let your guard down every now and then. Open your mind and heart to all the goodness you can receive 💓 . Photo credit: unknown . #vulnerability #vulnerabilityisstrength #vulnerable #poweryourthoughts #positivevibes #positivity #selfempower #selfesteembuilding #selflove #selfcare #blogger #bloggerstyle #bloggerlife #bloggers #blog #mentalhealthawareness #alloftheabove https://www.instagram.com/p/CZMERB3MhMv/?utm_medium=tumblr

[all-of-the-above]

Disconnecting & Reconnecting

Sometimes we want to disconnect from social media platforms and experience life and all its wonders in the day-to-day scheme of things, other times we feel too unmotivated or down, or dreary to connect to our hobbies, passions, people and more, and then other times we wish to reconnect and share and experience. All feelings are valid and something we each experience at times.

I think its fair to say we have times where we feel the need to disconnect from parts of our lives either for long or short periods of time. These disconnections can be from…

a)     Social media

b)    Hobbies

c)     Friends

d)    Family

e)    Locations

f)      Unhealthy habits

g)     Healthy habits

h)    All of the above, and more

I have disconnected from my blog, my Instagram account, and my Tumblr. I stopped posting and stopped writing. I began to be more in the moment and enjoy life. As a country we left a hard side of the pandemic, and more opportunities became available to us and I desired to experience them all. I soon fell out of the routine of posting and writing. I was studying often and felt I hadn’t much time for this. I disconnected and pursued other paths in my life. This by no means is a bad thing, taking a break from something whether it’s a hobby, a person or visiting a place or eating certain foods or posting online, is all okay. Going with the flow is a key thing in life to feel at peace, as it does mean a whole lot less pressure on yourself. However, structure is also highly important, schedules and keeping up with healthy habits is important. If there is something you desire, for example going to the gym, reading more books, writing a blog, learning manifestation methods, furthering your future, its healthy to pursue it, but its also healthy to take time away from things. You don’t have to do your hobby every day or most days, you don’t have to go to the gym constantly, you don’t have to read a new book each week. The key is you don’t have to if you don’t want to. You can disconnect when your mind and body need it, whether it’s for a day or month or more. Disconnecting can be a truly healthy thing to prevent burnout and keep less stress around you and others in your life.

After we’ve disconnected, we will eventually reconnect to these things. After 6 months of not having written and blog post I found myself thinking often about my account, about writing, and how much enjoyed this page. I came back to it, I had ideas flow and began to write. I never stopped enjoying it, however I needed time to myself and to see clearer what I truly desire. I believe having time away from things, by disconnecting, we can find ourselves being drawn to what we’ve taken a break from, or not. It may reveal what we enjoy most, and what we want most. This is what I have discovered from my experience and its nice to get back into something I enjoy. In other ways disconnecting can help us change our perception on things, for example seeing that our follower count on Instagram isn’t important, or that you don’t have to go the gym each day to be achieving something. A disconnection can provide a new perspective that can’t always be achieved whilst still undergoing the task at hand.

I think it’s important to take breaks when you need them, and to chase your ambitions and do what you love. Live a life you enjoy, inspire yourself, and be the peace amidst a world of pressure.

This blog and my page have high importance to me, however posting constantly and writing often isn’t always viable whilst being a student at university and that’s okay. Taking time to do writing is fun, but I won’t pressure myself to overwork. Be patient with me, stick around and support someone who’s goal is to spread love, support, and advice.

[all-of-the-above]

Getting back to ‘normal’

We can all see the day fast approaching, July 19th, the big day. The day for change, prosperity, freedom, fear and anxiety. When you look to this next stage of our lives and this time of covid, you may feel…

A)    Excited

B)    Scared

C)    Anxious

D)    Fearful

E)    Happy

F)     Lonely

G)    Angry

H)    All of the above?

I think it’s fair to say that each of us will be feeling many things when it comes to July 19th, I think the whole of our society is mixed, and that’s okay. What we have endured so far has been hectic, heart wrenching, and quite unexplainable. Everyone’s experience has also been different, whether that’s because of jobs or lack of, family or lack of, losses, loneliness, mental health impacts, physical impacts, and so much more. By your experience of covid, I think this will impact your experience of this next stage, it will be impacting your thoughts and feelings immensely and to feel confused at this stage is very much okay.

I think a large feeling that will be circling many of us is anxiety. A lot is changing around us, and we’ve been comfortable for a year in our habits, so breaking out of them is a scary thing and something which we will all have to do in our own time. A big thing is how socialising more will be coming, we can get up in a pub and say hi to our friends across the room. It’s such a good feeling to not feel restrained. However what needs to be considered is each individual and how comfortable they are. Respect people’s boundaries. Just because you can do that from 19th, doesn’t mean everyone wants to, and that’s ok. Don’t judge someone for being anxious, or cautious, allow them to do what is necessary for their wellbeing and support them through it when and where needed.

I know one new thing which is affecting the younger generation, especially myself and my friends is the reopening of clubs. Having gone through both my 18th and 19th birthday in lockdown, I am yet to have stepped foot in a club. It’s a whole different atmosphere, let alone the crowds of people and sudden lack of social distancing with complete strangers. It’s good to be excited for this new experience, but it’s also okay to be anxious and unsure. Don’t feel pressured by that day, your friends, or social media. If you aren’t ready it is ok. You need to take your own time with everything, and if you’re someone who’s never been to a club it’s a big new experience that probably would’ve seemed scary before covid and the last year we’ve all had. A club is a place where all the measures we’ve been following are suddenly forgotten, so if you’re not ready, don’t force yourself, if you get out there, you can leave. There’s no rules and no pressure to doing what is right for you. However you feel right now and in a few days and even a few weeks’ time, is valid.

The government is saying it is optional to wear facemasks. Now these have become a comfort for many people, whilst others a nuisance. If your someone who looks forward not having to wear one, fair enough, but do not judge those who will still chose to wear one, they are doing that for them, and you have no right to look at them funny for it. This entire process is about doing what feels right to you, not rushing yourself, taking your time and not trying to please others. Take everything at your pace and that will keep your mind and body happy and healthy. We need to respect one another, still keep in mind personal space and not think “oh we’re friends/family so its okay”. That has nothing to do with how that other individual may feel. Be kind, be safe, and be there for one another.

There is still uncertainty. Although we are told after this looming day we cannot go back, who’s to say one day another lockdown won’t be necessary. This is a scary thought, a lonely, isolating thought for many people. Although we may be excited to start living our lives again, to enjoy ourselves without restrictions, in the back of our heads can still remain this innate fear of a relapse to life a few months ago. So many of us have been impacted negatively by covid, and our mental health has suffered as a consequence, then to fear going back to such a stage, well, its terrifying. It’s hard to forget about what we can’t control and accept it all for what it is. But if you are someone who is struggling at the thought of this, if you’re worried and fearful, that’s okay, you are not alone. Sadly, none of us have the answer, yet there is always hope. We can build upon our struggles to make a brighter future and remind ourselves that no matter what happens, we have courage and strength within us. Reflect on this year you’ve had, and don’t forget to look at each and every positive. Maybe you lost a relationship, at the time it certainly didn’t feel like a positive, but know that it all happens for a reason, and the right people don’t leave, so see it as the positive that it is. You have grown from the experience; you have not lost but gained more self-respect and self-love. Think of the new hobbies you may have picked up to fill your time and how some of them may now be your favourite things to do. Look at how the relationships you have in your life now are more meaningful and stronger than ever, whether you have gained or lost any. Look within yourself and all you have done, look how far you have come, look at what you have been through and pat yourself on the back for it. Give yourself some extra love and effort at this time. Acknowledge how you feel and feel comfortable with it.

Take it all as it comes, listen to how you feel, respect each other, do what you need to, feel comfortable and happy and know how you feel is valid, you are not alone and you are stronger than you ever thought imaginable.

[all-of-the-above]

Defining YOU

When you think of yourself, how would you define you? Would you pick out all the bad parts, list your faults and talk negatively? Or would you talk about your passions, abilities, strengths and beauty? Many of us define ourselves through a negative point of view, we speak to ourselves with a lack of love and empathy and refuse to see the good that others do. So really what we need is to surround ourselves with positivity, loving affirmations and goodness. You need to see yourself in all your glory, because a bad day is not a bad life. You are not defined by your mental health, your weight, your height, your race, ethnicity, age, gender, trauma, family or friends. You are in control of your life, and the only thing that can define you, is YOU. It’s time to take your control back, climb out of that dark place, push back against your anxiety and your limiting beliefs. Look in the mirror and see the beauty, look at your personality and see its amazement, look at your past and see your progress. Start defining yourself on your own terms, define your curves, stretch marks and spots with something of beauty and individuality. Define your mental health and your battles as strengths and determination. Define your trauma as experience, wisdom, power and perseverance. None of you is a ‘fault’, or ‘ugly’, it is perfectly unique and special in its own wonderful ways.  To put yourself down is to quit before you’ve even started. Stop living for the benefit and happiness of others. Live your life for you, be the person you want to be, reach that goal and become everything you desire. Define you and your life on your own terms, for your happiness and your pride.

Guess what, a significant other does not define you. You don’t have to seek validation from someone else. You don’t have to be with someone to be fulfilled, or to have a beautiful, perfect definition of your life and yourself. A partner does not add to the definition of you, you are already defined as a singular being and if you believe you aren’t complete without that someone, that ideal relationship, I’m afraid you are wrong. This is an unhealthy mindset, and you need to work on yourself and your singular life in order to see you can define yourself through all of your own traits, progress, loves and losses, all alone. A partner is an addition into your life but does not make you better, or more worthy. Understand that to be able to stand confidently alone will make for a comfortable future relationship, one that doesn’t have to be filled with dependency, anxiety, fear and an ill view of yourself. Start defining you, and fill those ‘holes’ with your own things, not somebody else.

Something truly key is doing what you enjoy, when you want to do it. Pressure leads to panic which leads to stress, and nobody wants to live a life defined by stress. Some days you don’t want to do much at all, and you know what, that’s okay. Sometimes you need to relax and sleep more, that’s your body telling you what it needs and when it needs it. Take time alone and thrive in your own company. Pick up old and new hobbies. Fill your time with things you enjoy, things which relax you and excite you. To be able to define yourself in a positive and fulfilling manner means to start living in your greatest way, whether that’s learning something new, practicing your hobbies, preaching positive, loving affirmations in the mirror, all of it means something, all of it is work which pays off to a great version of the definition of you and your life. There will be times you feel each day is the same and you feel stuck in a boring cycle, at these times we can reflect on what matters, what is impacting our mental health, and then we can make positive uplifting changes to better our future and better the way we see ourselves. We all desire to look at ourselves with complete admiration, to look at our lives and be proud. So instead of sitting there and imagining it and hoping, start working, start redefining everything until the lines of your life are so boldly defined that you can’t help but beam with amazement and happiness each day.

Here’s something to remember, change is normal and natural. Each day you can add to the definition of yourself, there is no time limit to growing into greatness, it is never ending and so the definition of you doesn’t have to end with negativity. There’s no full-stop at the end of that sentence, instead there’s a connective and behind it can be the most positive affirmation you could imagine. Stop limiting your views and start redefining your mind and spirit.

[all-of-the-above]

Depression

Do you ever get those days were it feels like all its going to do is rain, and I’m not talking about physical rain, I’m talking about the metaphorical rain. The days when nothing is ok, nothing goes right, nothing seems right. The days were it literally feels like there is a cloud hanging over your head. And sometimes these days can last a week or a month, or what seems like a lifetime. Do you ever find yourself feeling…

a)     Irritable

b)    Down for no reason

c)     Unmotivated even to do the things you normally enjoy

d)    Drained from everything

e)    Negative about the world

f)      Fed-up with yourself, your life, this feeling

g)     All of the above?

Its ok. I’m not diagnosing you with depression or something, I’m more sharing facts and experiences. I’m here to say you aren’t alone, and that its ok to not be ok.

To suffer with depression, or extreme sadness, or grief, or just to go through bad days, none of it is easy. I’m not suggesting here that I have either been diagnosed, but its more the fact I’m aware of myself, my mental health, my state of mind and just well me. I’ve suffered a very large form of grief in my teen years and it’s fair to say it has changed me. That’s ok, its normal. I can sit here and see now and understand me, asses so to speak and reflect. This topic is so important to me because of how much it is a part of my life and who I am really.

Depression. It’s a big word and although I may not have all the facts, I think most of you will get what I’m talking about even if it’s not from the most medical point of view.

You see depression isn’t a temporary thing, it stays around far longer than say a period of sadness. Don’t get me wrong not every day is a bad one, I would kind of describe it as coming and going like waves. Sadly, it can be quite inescapable. There doesn’t necessarily need to be a trigger for it to ‘happen’ either, you can simply wake up and not be ok again, and it can last from a day to however long. I find it then fizzles away again like clouds clearing from the sky and you get those times when its clear all day, every day, but other days it can be misty, and others clear with a little cloud, like a little niggle in the back of your mind, yet you can sort of ignore it. Then there’s the clouded, rainy days and you can’t ignore it. You see, however you feel, whenever you feel it is ok. It is different for everyone but I’m hoping my cloud metaphor helps.

With depression you can’t just “cheer up” and move on. It comes and goes but throughout your time of living with it, struggling and battling it, hopefully it comes less and less. There’s no time frame to getting rid of depression, it is something you live with. You can become more aware of it and yourself and grow overtime and find more happiness throughout your life, so it feels as though it barely rains and that is wonderful. But it’s not simple and easy and to understand you’re not alone is extremely important. To desire change, to act on it, to reflect on yourself and be determined to see growth away from those dark places is so special and takes courage and strength. Some days we don’t have that strength, but it’s about finding it again and to keep going.

You may have some exciting news but not even feel remotely happy about it. It happens. You may have a negative world view, aka seeing no point in it all, being fed-up with your life, your family, friends, relationships. You may sleep more to avoid feeling it. Or sleep less to distract yourself. You may rely on social interaction to feel loved and surrounded, busy and happy and with a lack of it you feel deflated, lost and down. It happens. You may end up shutting-off from people and not telling them how you really feel so you don’t burden them with it. You may seek comfort in the silence, the loneliness and cut-off communication. Whatever it may be, it happens. Its symptoms of depression, its signs you aren’t doing ok, and that’s alright because you aren’t the only one. Its alright because you will get through it. And although it may come around again, you’ll be stronger and even when you don’t feel it, you are. You have strength in you and no matter how dark those cloudy days become, you find the light, even if it’s a fragment. You see its all about hope, strength, perseverance, knowledge, reflection and understanding. If you can sit here now and recognise parts within you, parts about you. If you can reflect and understand, you’re a step closer to seeing less rain. But what I need you to know is, its ok if it still rains. Your journey, your life will be filled with sunshine, and with rain. There’s always going to be bad days, but what we all want, what we all need is just a few less of them. You aren’t messed up or weird or too sad for this world, you are you and you are fighting your own battles that no one can ever fully understand.

You may have noticed a lack of my presence recently, I haven’t posted much, this is my first blog post in a very long time and well its not to say I’ve not had good days, I’ve in fact had some of the most wonderful days recently and have wanted to be present in each of those moments. But underneath I’ve still struggled. I stopped doing this, I stopped a lot of my hobbies. I stopped the little but also big things I enjoyed. I had no motivation for it, and I ignored how I was feeling deep down. I may have gotten on with most of my days happy and well, but there were some clouds looming that I didn’t address. I took time to reflect and see, I then forced myself so to speak to do something, write something, plan something and I could see even more clearly how important this post would be. Recently I’ve been affected by my mental health and that’s ok. I didn’t want to write or post or do any of it. But I remembered the joy it gave me, the pride, the community. We fall in and out of habits all of the time, but to forget something you love is a big thing, yet not uncommon. To then have the ability to recognise it, no matter how long it takes, and to act on it, to make that change. Now that, that is spectacular. And you know what, if it happens again, its ok! Because let me tell you this, I see strength in you, I see knowledge and power, I see perseverance and pure understanding of who you are and what you are capable of. The waves can feel continuous and big or small, but those waves can come to a soft and steady fall. Who you are, your mental health, and your personality is you and irreplaceable. It is beautiful and unique, and one thing for sure is that it is loved.

It’s okay if you aren’t ok. I’m here. Others are here. But most importantly you are here, and with each day you are conquering the world.

[all-of-the-above]

Being a woman today

As a woman in today’s world, you may feel…

a)     Insecure

b)    Body conscious

c)     Unpopular

d)    Not pretty enough

e)    Not perfect enough

f)      Weak

g)     Scared

h)    Unsatisfied

i)      Pressured

j)      All of the above?

Well, I think most of us can say me too. One thing I think we know for certain is that we are not alone in how we feel, yet the world can still make us feel like the odd one out. You see, being a woman is entirely one thing, but to be one in the society we have today is another. We face so many different things, fight for so many rights and are still put down, shamed and ignored. To feel uncomfortable in this world I think is honest and true. I hear you, so many of us are listening its just not enough. Who knew those princess stories weren’t true?

To be male or female in our society is highly pressurising, but I think we can all agree it is more so for women. Social media has infiltrated our lives, bringing connection, laughter and creativity but also pressure, bad body images, abuse and suffering. We scroll through pictures and think this is how I should look, why am I not that skinny, why don’t I have her hair, my teeth aren’t perfect, my lips are too small, I should wear more makeup, but also, I shouldn’t wear too much makeup. I need that outfit, I should go there, I need to be that happy, I should have that by now. No. Stop. Stop hurting yourself, stop hurting your body image, stop hurting your mental health. Take a breather, step back. No one is that happy all the time, no one looks like that 24/7. Stop comparing yourself to others, stop putting yourself down and wishing you could be more. You are already enough, and I know it is hard and it is tough, but so are you. Since when did life become this huge competition sometimes with complete strangers? Why put yourself through more stress just to look good for people who don’t really care. We consistently want something we don’t have and forget what we do have. You don’t need to post every time you do something just to show off. You don’t need to edit your photos so much that you lose yourself. You need to be you, post reality, post if and when you please, post for you. Stop editing and instead start loving what you see, embrace your ‘flaws’, your individuality. Life is for living, for real conversation, for smiles and for sunsets, for food, for music, for friends, for family, not for a screen that makes you feel unhappy in who you are. Stop competing, stop wishing to look like them or be like them, stop scrolling and start being you each and every day and don’t hide it from the world, share it, make a change, be someone who posts life and inspire others to stop wasting precious time editing and putting down and under appreciating themselves and their life.

Something else that really bugs me is the cost of being a woman. Why is everything so much more expensive? No, I don’t want to hear all that rubbish about women being the bigger consumers okay, I get it, we all do, but its still no reason for such stark differences. Why can a man get is hair cut for £10 whilst I have to pay £40 and up? So, women’s hairstyles can be more complicated, okay, but that’s a lot of money! Why is my plain white top £10 whilst his is £5, there’s no difference? Oh, and last time I checked sanitary products still cost. Those are not cheap, it is something we haven’t even chosen, we have no choice, but have to pay for it? What’s all that about? And why in the hell are they considered a luxury? It is a necessity, a healthy and clean way of caring for our bodies and they should be available everywhere for everyone, free of charge. But no. We pay again. And not only this but men have the gall to say periods aren’t painful, we shouldn’t be so moody, there’s no need it’s just natural. You see they refuse to understand, to listen, to help. A Professor of reproductive health at University College London, John Guillebaud, told Quartz that patients have described the cramping pain as 'almost as bad as having a heart attack.' Even a fact like that isn’t believed. Yet again women feel another form of pressure to be a certain way, to deal with it and move on. We are told to look certain ways, so we buy the latest fashion instead of being mocked, we cut our hair to just simply keep it healthy, we get our nails done, our eyebrows, eyelashes, we tan, we wax, we shave. We do so much, yet still pay more. How is it fair that we should pay more for things that men have too (like a haircut) when we also have so many other expenses. To be a woman means to feel under constant pressure. Maybe we don’t need to update our wardrobe every year, or consistently get our nails done, okay, but I think the point still stands. To be a woman is not cheap, it’s not easy, it’s not for the faint hearted, it’s tough.

A woman feels pressure from many aspects of society, and I know one in particular is clothes. We can feel insecure and even scared to wear a particular outfit to a particular place at a particular time. Why is that a thing? How is that fair? Its not. I should be able to walk down the street in a dress and not be starred at by men that are old enough to be my dad. I shouldn’t worry that someone may take my outfit as an invitation. I should be able to wear what I want and not be called out for it. Why am I starred at for wearing leggings and a top yet when I wear jogging bottoms and a large sweater, I’m invisible? You see sometimes it’s like a disguise, a safety net, a comfort blanket. My own invisibility cloak where I can go out and feel maybe just that bit safer, less looked upon, freer. This isn’t right, we shouldn’t be creating a world where girls are scared to wear skirts, to wear shorts or a dress or even jeans or leggings. Girls shouldn’t feel scared to wear their clothes. We don’t take a guy walking around with no top on and shorts as an invitation do we? So why take a girl in a dress, more covered up than a guy like that, as an invitation? I think we’ve proved that even at this point sometimes it doesn’t matter what you wear, its still scary out there. So how on earth have we built a society where women now could wear a mini skirt or high-vis coat and still be taken advantage of, still abused, used and even killed? Its wrong. Why is being a woman labelled as easy, that we don’t have to do much or worry about much. If you listened, looked, read, researched, you would see just how hard it is. It’s not easy, it’s scary, it’s pressurising, it’s tough.

To be a woman today means to be tough, it means to have a hard shell, to be prepared for the world, to support yourself, to love yourself as much as possible and feel comfortable in who you are. It means to be satisfied in your life and in you, whilst trying to not let the world around you scar your skin. This is for all the women out there, I hope you know you are not alone, you a brave, beautiful, bold and brilliant. The world is cruel but don’t let it stop you, know you are strong and capable of so many things. Know that who you are right now is more than enough.

[all-of-the-above]

Self-elevation

When you think about yourself, look in the mirror, spend time alone, or just anything to do with you and only you, do you ever feel…

a)     Unhappy

b)    Unfulfilled

c)     Lonely

d)    Sad

e)    Disheartened

f)      Unimpressed

g)     All of the above?

Yeah. I think many of us have felt this once or twice, perhaps even all the time. You see, that’s not how it’s meant to be, we aren’t put on this earth to be forever unsatisfied with ourselves. We aren’t here to judge ourselves, to constantly desire change, to hate looking in the mirror or having a picture taken at a certain angle. We are here to live, to experience, to meet people, to create relationships, and the most important relationship is the one with ourselves. Some people will spend their whole lives looking for their soulmate without even realising they have been there the whole time; all you have to do is look in the mirror. You are your life partner. You are and always will be the most constant thing in your life. You need to love, nurture, cherish, praise, adore and thrive in yourself and your own company. Learning self-love and care and being comfortable around you can take time, but we all need to start believing in ourselves and being there for ourselves a little more.

(For more about ‘Self-love over others’, go have a read of my post all about this that’s already up!)

Self-elevation, self-belief. Being empowered by you, loving every part of you. Why put yourself down? We all strive for happiness, love, greatness. So why feed your own body and mind such toxic, negative energy. Stop being upset by what you see in the mirror and start to feel proud. Scars? They aren’t ugly, they show strength, perseverance, history, courage and beauty. Dark circles? They don’t make you any less attractive, they add definition, they provide a feature, individuality, they are you, they are beauty. Stretch marks? They don’t mean you are too large or have lost too much weight, they don’t define you, they are the waves of the sea written on your skin, they are your tiger marks, your power, your strength, they are you. Whatever it is that you pick out and analyse, find a positive, see its beauty because it is you, it is forever a part of you and there is no part of you that isn’t beautiful. Elevate yourself and love yourself. When the world is full of individuals who will put us down, we should be there to pull ourselves up and believe in who we are.

You may think or feel you haven’t made much progress, say you didn’t get that promotion, you didn’t get that car, your still hurt from the past. None of this means you haven’t progressed. Look at all the little things if right now there isn’t any milestones. Look at how you maybe make healthier meals now or just eat more regularly, look at how you make sure you get out and exercise more, look at how you are putting in effort at school or work, look at how you are taking care of yourself, look at how you find joys in new things or turn the negatives to positives. Look at the small things because those small steps make the biggest differences. Have belief in your previous actions and see how they have elevated you into who you are now and continue to believe in what you can do. See your abilities as endless. Stop limiting yourself. Push through that boundary, that wall, that possibility. See your worth. Know that someone’s ill opinion of you isn’t who you are. Recognise what you deserve, higher your expectations, protect your soul, surround yourself with your own love.

I think something we all need to learn is how happiness doesn’t mean a significant other. Happiness can be found in you, each and every day. Learn to be comfortable around yourself and doing things alone. You don’t have to go everywhere with someone, who said you can’t take yourself on a date? No-one. To be content alone, is to be content anywhere in the world. Find peace in the silence, love in the mirror, lust in the world around you, and beauty in your soul. Discover a new passion, a hobby, a skill. Take time to learn things about yourself. Grow to a point where you are excited by the idea to be alone, to have that time and space and a sense of completeness in who you are and what you are doing. Be motivated by your own actions and be excited to get up in the morning. Elevate yourself through multiple means. Elevate yourself when looking in the mirror, when picking up a new hobby, when being alone, when achieving a goal, big or small. Elevate your mind and believe. See who you are today and how that is different to yesterday and how it will be different again tomorrow. Be proud of yourself and feel comfortable in who you are. Learn that to be your own support means to be independent and forever only reliable on that one constant in your life. You. Chose yourself, chose self-care, chose self-love, chose to make yourself happy before others. Live your life not in awe of others and loathing the look in the mirror, but be in awe of you, your personality and your abilities. You are worth more than what anyone could ever put into words so there is no boundary. Exceed expectations, disappoint at times, thrive in the face of negativity, find happiness and be content in you.

[all-of-the-above]

Toxic People

Have you ever been around someone and felt…

a)     Emotionally exhausted after

b)    Criticised

c)     Not understood

d)    Confused

e)    Guilty

f)      Violated

g)     Upset

h)    Angry

i)      All of the above?

As much as it sucks to say it, that person is toxic. A toxic person can be the person we are closest to, so realising this can really hurt, but it’s going to be okay.

When with a toxic person either a relationship or friendship, they can leave you confused, you may not really understand what’s right or wrong anymore, mostly because they probably blame you for basically everything and never take on anything themselves…they may even tell you to your face that they are never wrong…well we all know that’s not true, we all make mistakes…but having that close person say that to your face or act like it can be a hard pill to swallow. Not only this, but you may find they criticise you constantly and it will feel like you can never do anything right by them, no matter what you try. You may try and explain this to them, to better your relationship, but truth be told they will not listen if this is who they are, I’ve experienced this and it’s a horrible situation to become a part of. People like this can cause us to question our self-worth, we aren’t being understood by an important person in our lives and now we are confused about our emotions and can’t see clearly who’s in the wrong. If you’re sat there and don’t feel happy in who you are, in who you are with, if you’re questioning your worth and your actions, you feel calmer without that person and are only ever ‘good’ with them because you apologise and you take the blame…then that is a toxic relationship and a toxic person. If you have had the ability to recognise this, no matter how long it has taken, well done, be proud of your abilities and that in fact you do know your worth.

After recognising the toxicity, you now have to take yourself away from it. Its not your job to waste your time and energy on changing that person, you may try and talk to them and if they do listen then that’s something special, but that is to do with them and not you. With toxic people, they predominantly wont listen I’m afraid, they are stuck in their ways and their selfish mindset and I’m so sorry for what you have already gone through with them, and that now you must lose them. It is a hard thing to do to walk away from someone toxic, but it is the greatest form of self-care you can give yourself. I cannot deny it may feel wrong, it can hurt for a long time or a short time, but what you must remember is how much that person made you hurt whilst you were with them and around them. The relationships we have with people shouldn’t drain us and make us feel lonely, they should lift us and provide more happiness than sadness. Reflect on the situation and listen to your gut. Don’t empty yourself for someone else, don’t allow yourself to give out all that energy and love if you aren’t getting the same back. It’s a really tough choice to say no and to walk away, but you will come out greater for it, your happiness will eventually exceed that initial sadness and doubt. Maybe write down all the bad they did, have those little reminders of why you made this choice so you can look back on them and be your own reassurance. It’s okay to question what you’ve done; they had the ability to manipulate and confuse you in the relationship so its no wonder that you’re unsure about your choices…they weren’t ever the right ones for them were they? So maybe make that reminder, take time to reflect and see clearly that it is the right decision for you and your mental health. You can love someone and still not need them in your life, you can still choose to not be with them. It’s alright to feel drained by the entire situation, upset for what you’ve been through as well as now having lost that person. Give yourself time to reflect, heal and recharge. Process your emotions, journal, meditate, run, swim, whatever it may be to get back to you. If someone is meant to be in your life, they will find a way back into it. That’s something we need to live by a little more. Regret can consume us after making a hard choice, just remember you did it for a reason, they essentially drove you into that point of no other choice. Protect your energy, protect your self-love and most importantly protect yourself and don’t feel guilty for it.

For anyone who has left a toxic person, and a toxic relationship, bravo, give yourself some praise for that hard work because you were aware enough to know when it was wrong. And for anyone who is still getting over one, or even currently going through it, I hope this helps you and allows you to recognise your emotions and the circumstances better. I hope it helps you understand your emotions are valid and important and that you deserve to be looked after by yourself first, especially when no one else will.

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I’ve now expanded my work space to wix! I will still be posting on here but there too, I’m trying to build a bigger reach of viewers so head over there and subscribe to show your support! You even get active updates when a new post goes up 😁💓

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With studies comes stress

If you’re currently at school, sixth form, or like myself, university, you’ll understand the level of overwhelming stress I’m on about. Even those of you who work could relate to this post when you have deadlines and tasks to be done. When studying you may feel…

a)     Stressed

b)    Tired

c)     Fed-up

d)    Bored

e)    Upset

f)      Panicked

g)     Frustrated

h)    All of the above?

Yeah, well me too. We study during the years we are supposed to have the most fun, we are stressed, drained and overwhelmed with all the exams, reading, assignments and deadlines. Studying can be something which takes the joy out of our lives, so it’s something we need to control, to have boundaries with, in order to achieve that work-life balance.

Being consistent with studying is so important, it reduces stress at exam season, and makes for a better outcome in the end. Something I’ve found to help is creating plans and to-do lists. By doing this I don’t overwhelm myself by looking too far ahead, plus I know what I need to do and by when, allowing me to focus on the present task and to achieve a sense of satisfaction by crossing it off once it’s done. Something else is ensuring your not taking on too much at one given time, don’t create a plan with too much work, don’t forget to keep spare time, time to do the things you love, to relax and have a break. You may have a tonne of things you need to get done there’s no doubt, I completely understand, but don’t allow yourself to get to the point where you’ve overworked yourself so much that you lose all motivation to do anything at all. I’ve been there, done that. This only sets you back and causes more stress because now you don’t even have the effort to get the bare minimum done. This is why taking breaks is more than important, limit your study time and ensure you take your mind away from the books more than once. If you can, get some fresh air, even if its for 15 minutes, that’s better than nothing at all, it helps clear the mind and will allow you to focus better. Sitting in one place, within those four walls can feel so stressful, we need to escape, move to a different room on your breaks, meditate, exercise in some way to get your body moving, watch some tv and distract your mind. Allow yourself some down time, take care of your mind and body, allow yourself to refresh and recharge to be able to keep going and keep succeeding like you know you can.

Over time I’ve come to learn methods that work for me, it’s about trial and error, effort and persistence and once you get there, it will make everything much easier. It won’t happen overnight, but if you’re willing to do some research, try new things and make sure you are taking care of yourself, you will figure it out one way or another. Plans work to help calm my mind from overthinking, to-do lists stop my anxiety from making me panic about everything I need to get done, working alone helps me focus better and get my work done on time so I don’t stress. And that’s all okay. You don’t need to be doing what everyone else is doing. If you can’t sit with your friends 24/7 and study, that’s not a problem, you need to put your needs first and recognise what works for you so you can achieve what you need to, whether or not it’s what your friends do. You don’t have to follow the crowd and not prep for your assignments until two days before. That’s too much stress, unless that’s how you work, do what you need to do. Be prepared, know how much time certain tasks may take you and understand how it can affect you so then you can prepare in time and reduce your anxiety towards it. This is what I keep saying, understand your abilities, your needs, your strengths and your weaknesses. This allows you to plan better, to pick assignments that work best for you, and it makes you feel more in control, thus less overwhelmed.

Making lists might work well for you, or a timetable, using certain colours and styling techniques with your notes may help, flashcards for exams, or quizlets. Not everything works for everyone, and that’s alright, but keep going. Try what you can, do what you can until you realise what actually works best, what aligns in your mind and helps you succeed. I don’t want to list out ways to study, everyone is different, but if you are able to recognise and understand techniques that work or don’t work, that’s truly such improvement already.

I’m currently coming to the end of my first year in university, but it’s not been how anyone would expect your first year to go. I’ve studied from home, attended online classes and been on campus only a handful of times. Minimal socialising, no parties, no clubs, no library dates, no studying in the café, nothing. First year in a pandemic has led to a completely different experience than what I’ve ever hoped for, in all honesty worse than I expected and ideally not what I wanted, yet there’s been some upsides. Studying from home has meant I’ve been able to focus well and get into the swing of uni studying life, I’ve watched lectures at my own pace and felt I’ve had time to do what’s needed. This is a way of studying that works for me, and although next year will be different, I’ve learnt what’s good for me and it’s something I can keep up and continuously put into practise, even if it means not sitting on campus 24/7, that’s okay, I study in my own way and I won’t let the opinions of others influence and effect my grades. So, take some time now to reflect, look back on this time we’ve all spent apart, look at how studying has gone, the bad and good and asses what works and doesn’t work for you. Try not to confuse the lack of socialising for bad grades, it’s affected us all, but you need to focus on studying in particular. Is it a need to study with others, or to have a balance with seeing people and studying alone? Reflect to help your future self. A better understanding of ourselves will mean reducing our overwhelmed state of mind because we will know how to prevent it, to manage it. It’s okay if you’ve been struggling, so many of us have, it’s been a hard experience to go through yet look at where we are, how far we’ve come. Care for your mind and body in as many ways as you can, take a day off, you’re allowed to do that. Don’t test your limits to breaking point. Only you know your capabilities and taking time to look back on things, assessing things will help you see clearer what they truly are. Understanding your abilities and setting boundaries is a form of self-care and self-love, so do it, do it for your benefit, continue putting your needs first, make your mental health a priority, and nurture your mind.

Remember, feeling stressed is normal, feeling anxious and overwhelmed is natural, but also remember how important you are, and your health is. Prevent long-term damage by taking action on your present needs.

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Being the emotional sponge

Do you find yourself…

A)    Being overly empathetic to others

B)    Putting someone else’s needs before your own

C)    Feeling overwhelmed often

D)    Bottling up too many emotions

E)    Feeling emotional about something that’s not even your problem

F)     All of the above?

If that’s a yes, its probably because you’re an emotional sponge. Now, let me get this straight, this isn’t an awful thing, it means you’re an empath, and that can be very heart warming, you consider others and are nowhere near even the thought of being selfish. So please don’t think it’s a bad thing, however it can be a difficult thing, fairly draining, and just a little too much to have to continuously go through. So, I’m just going to teach you essentially how to recognise this part of your personality or someone else’s, and maybe some ways to alleviate the pressure that comes with it.

If a friend or family member is going through something, you normally want to help, but then once leaving them, or not talking to them and just going about your day you can then disconnect from it and the emotions…but not everyone can do this, especially when its some heavy emotions. You may find yourself staying with that person for longer, letting them vent out everything until you begin to be stressed out yourself. You may equally feel sad for them, or angry, you feel how they do and then it takes a toll on your mental health. You can then find yourself thinking about it in your own time, causing it to influence your day, you may remain stressed or upset, which will eventually drain you, causing you to not be able to be there for your friend at all. Disconnecting from a friend’s trauma can be hard, but it needs to be done to protect yourself. Learning to not feel their emotions as well as your own takes time, but it can be done. That extra stress isn’t necessary, you need to be fully healthy and secure in order to be able to be there for them, because if your upset too, you won’t help each other when around one another. Take time to think about what your friend is going through, maybe even write it down to let it out, but instead on focussing on the negatives or the bad emotions it’s causing them, focus on ways of helping and lifting their spirits whilst they can’t do it for themselves. Of course, you can feel some of their emotion, let them share it with you, be that support, but don’t allow it to become overwhelming, you need to look after yourself and your own emotions first. Learn how much you can take on and set boundaries, that may mean spending less time with them until you feel okay, acknowledging if it’s their emotions or your own, taking time to reflect and practicing some self-care. None of this is easy, it simply is the way you are, its in your personality, but understand what is right and healthy for you and don’t put yourself at risk over someone else. Learn to let their emotion pass through you, aka detach yourself from it, don’t latch on with them, understand them and their situation but don’t openly become a part of it or its aftermath, let yourself disconnect from it and create a safe space for yourself and your own life.

Being an emotional sponge means taking on other people’s emotions as well as having your own, it can mean putting them first and forgetting how you’re really doing. Taking on too many emotions causes that overwhelming feeling, and it isn’t healthy for anyone. If you become the outlet for someone to spill their emotions to, you can feel bound up, full like a wet sponge with no way of release. You’re feeling for them and yourself and can’t see a way of letting it out, you feel deeply, strongly and fully, but no one can deny how draining it all becomes. Journaling can greatly help let stuff out if you don’t have anyone to talk too (aka if they are the one going through things). Meditating and reflecting in order to process your emotions is far healthier than bottling everything up. Do things that you love, take yourself on a walk, watch some tv as a distraction and to pull your focus somewhere else instead of solely thinking. There’s no right way or wrong way, there’s only your way, your process and your journey. Its your own learning process and coming to understand yourself and your limits better, supporting yourself and your needs to remain healthy, focussed and stable.

An emotional sponge can even absorb the emotions people refuse to feel. I know, that sounds weird, but let me give you an example, after a break-up the other person may have moved on or be doing well, etc, you may sit and ponder if they miss you and want you back and become upset that it doesn’t seem that way, causing you to miss them and think how they feel. You take on the emotions they aren’t seemingly feeling whilst not caring for yourself or your own. This means your emotionally driven, yet to feel something that someone else isn’t, to take on that pressure, is even worse than taking on what someone is feeling, because you’re in fact causing a situation that doesn’t need to be there, you’re creating your own trauma because it upsets you that they aren’t feeling it themselves. It’s okay to be upset that someone isn’t feeling something you think they should, yet limit that, save yourself the extra grief and disappointment. Acknowledge it upsets or frustrates you but don’t overwhelm your mind with them and their lack of empathy for a situation.

Being an empath means you’re capable of so many emotions, capable of being supportive, loving and understanding, but also of feeling drained and low. Set limits, look after yourself (read my blog ‘Self-love over others’ for more), and understand if something begins to feel too much, take a time out from it all and recharge to be better for yourself and those around you.

I hope this helped you understand this sort of personality trait and hopefully helps to recognise ways of alleviating that all-consuming pressure.

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Jackxy anon: i messed up with my best friend... i didn't feel like arguing with'em cause i was tired of everything in my life being a struggle or a fight! so i just blindly agreed with everything they said, now i'll never see them again! everyone i meet either ends up hating me or abandoning me... they were the only one who didn't, am i a bad person? why does no one love me? what did i do wrong? i'm sorry... i'm a literally worthless mess...

You aren’t a bad person, some people aren’t meant to be in your life forever and that can really hurt but it’s something we have to accept. If they are meant to be in your life they will come back. If someone cannot see your value in their life it is their mistake and not yours, it is their selfish actions which will lead them worse off. I know how difficult it is to feel left and abandoned, however over time you will heal and be a better person for it and people will come into your life and stay. Radiating more positivity, having a higher vibration will attract others to you. Don’t put yourself down, you are worth so much and you sometimes need to be alone in order to learn self love, in order to become your own support, be your own best friend and become reliant only on you. Be happy alone to be happy with others. It will be okay. If they cannot see you as a loss you don’t want them in your life because they don’t clearly deserve you. It hurts without a doubt but there will come a day you will feel better and they will feel the opposite. Know you are getting there, know you will be okay, have faith in yourself 💓

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Grief isn’t just felt when someone passes away

Grief and loss can be felt after all different types of life events, quite evidently the most common being the loss of a loved one or friend, but we can grieve still in other scenarios. You may have felt extreme pain, sadness, anger and hurt after something like…

A)    The end of a relationship

B)    The betrayal and end of a friendship

C)    A big transition or change in your life (e.g., into adulthood or parenthood)

D)    A pandemic separating you from the things you enjoyed

E)    Losing yourself and self-love (commonly caused by events like those above)

F)     All of the above?

You see, you may not have realised you were grieving but you most likely were if you’ve gone through something like this. That’s ok, I’m here to teach you, so-to-speak, to fill you in so we can all get a better understanding of our emotions.

When your relationship with someone comes to end, either by yourself, the other, or collectively, you will go through a series of emotions when working towards your healing. The same goes for when someone passes away. After breaking up you can feel hurt, angry, scared and upset. Aka, grief. It’s okay to grieve for your relationship, if people tell you to stop crying or to stop being sad or to move on, you do not need listen. We all heal in our own time and you need to acknowledge it is ok to feel sad and to feel at loss, you have just suffered the loss of something commonly quite big in your life, the loss of a significant other, a friend, a confidant, a partner in crime, a cuddle buddy. And most likely you won’t speak to them, see them or hear from them again, they are gone from your life and it’s alright to feel an empty space because of it for a while. Grieve for as long as you need but recognise when grieving becomes dwelling (this is something I spoke about in ‘Losing a loved one’). You desire to move on without them and you can retain memories, although some aren’t always good, but we must care for ourselves and focus back on us instead of solely them. Grieve for a period then take that move towards self-care and self-love, don’t delay your journey by worrying yourself with that person who is no longer in your life (normally for a valid reason).

Another time grief is experienced is through the loss of a friendship and/or the betrayal of someone. Much like a relationship, a friendship leaves a hole in your life for some time. But that’s the hole we fill with self-love (read more about this in my post ‘Self-love over others’). A betrayal of any kind causes damage and no doubt will hurt for some time, to think someone close to you could treat you like that is hard, you have lost them, and you can grieve over the fact it has come to end, possibly even a sudden one. So, it’s okay if getting over something like this takes you time or has taken time. Don’t worry if you still think about it and hurt a little, that’s what grief is, acknowledge it, and support yourself and your feelings.

Making a big change or transition in your life can promote fear and results in the loss of the past way of life. For example, transitioning into adulthood, you have to begin many new things which mean losing others, like the freedom of no bills, no worries, freedom of time, lost youth, less family time etc. There are many losses we can face and if that upsets you, that’s ok, you can grieve for that lost part of your life that you can’t get back again, but recognise it’s a part of growing up, and we can’t live in the past forever, we grieve, and then we accept and we grow our new life.

A real big piece of grief I think we’ve all felt is the loss of doing what we love, seeing those we love and just living our lives because of covid-19 (check out my post ‘Covid-19 and You’ for more!). It’s been a tremulous time, its impacted so many people’s mental health and to feel or have felt sad, lost and just everything else, is normal. We have all grieved a loss of our past way of life and sadly this grief has lasted a long time with no escape. This isn’t easy and it’s no wonder we’ve all felt drained and fed-up, to remain in a state of turmoil and grief is unhealthy, yet to acknowledge this, even if it takes you till now, is something. We can make changes to help ourselves when it comes to grief and that’s been seen in how we’ve all adjusted our lives around it, found new hobbies, and worked to save the population. But still having moments or days when we aren’t necessarily a-ok is normal, grief doesn’t just disappear, especially when we are still living through it.

From what I’ve spoken about above, we can experience a loss of ourselves and our self-love (this can happen without such events though, don’t worry). A bad relationship or just a sad ending can cause self-doubt, anxieties, less focus on you, and then losing sight of who you are without them. Losing a friend and being betrayed is the same, transitioning in your life can make you lose sight of you, and a pandemic can have caused an overwhelming amount of grief that has pushed your self-love out. Losing yourself, your care for you, your love for you, is such a large loss and its okay to grieve for that once you recognise it, don’t think your being selfish or pathetic. To acknowledge you haven’t been there for yourself is true maturity and the first step in ‘right’ direction. I put right in quotations because its not necessarily the right way or the only way, but it’s the path of progress, the upwards spiral.

So, grief, it’s a big deal and we’ve all felt it, and know your okay to have experienced or be experiencing it. I hope this has helped you to understand that someone close to you may be grieving just not in the immediate way we all may think. To accept your grief and to make a start on moving forward is the key. Know that grieving for something doesn’t make you weak, it makes you conscious of your feelings, it makes you empathetic, and well, human.

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Anxiety

Many people out there struggle with anxiety, severe or minor, others struggle with anxious thoughts from time-to-time, whatever it may be, it sure can be overwhelming. When you feel this way it’s normally and abundance of emotions…

a)     Upset

b)    Scared

c)     Angry

d)    Frustrated

e)    Stressed

f)      Worrisome

g)     Lonely

h)    Frightened

i)      Panicked

j)      All of the above?

Yes. Anxiety generally causes us to feel so many emotions at one given time until it makes us feel totally overwhelmed, and well, anxious. It’s okay to have anxiety or anxious thoughts, but it’s not okay when someone doesn’t respect this. For example, telling you it’s all in your head, that is unnecessary because it is inside your head, but not in the wrong or crazy way that they make it out, it’s in your head in a debilitating, frightening, battling way. If someone refuses to understand this, or even wants to understand, even though it may hurt, being without them can prove better in the end. Some people will be there through your anxiety and will support you, others won’t, and having the right people around us is so important in all these things I’ve been talking about.

Now, what I really want to get into is you, me, us and anxiety.

Anxiety can intrude in so many parts of our lives, like studying, jobs, friendships, relationships and just everyday life. So, let’s look at relationships, when you’re anxious in a relationship you may worry about them leaving, or that you’ll mess up, or everything will go wrong, or all your worrying will actually be the cause because nothing else was wrong in the first place. You may worry about finding someone, opening up, being alone. All these worries are ok, it’s all about addressing them. If you have worries and you’re in a relationship, communicate with your partner so they understand, try and teach them how you are and allow time for them to get to know that part of you. But as I said, if they refuse to understand, or arguments are consistently caused because of your anxiety, that’s not ok. That can be difficult to get to grips with if you’re with someone, however, I think eventually we all get that feeling something is wrong, and no matter how long that takes its okay, and its also ok to still be sad after, you were with them for a reason and although they hurt you by refusing to understand, it hurts you more that they didn’t give you that energy or care or love that you put into them. If you’re with someone with anxiety, learn about it, be there for them, come to know what you can do for them when they can’t always be there for themselves…remember their battling their own mind and its not easy. Don’t hold back on a hug, or some form of physical affection, normally it can bring a sense of peace in a time of panic. Being patient is so key, things won’t get better in two seconds, and learning to manage their anxiety won’t change overnight, so don’t rush them, just be there for them and respect that their behaviour can seem hurtful or rude even, they don’t mean it, they are struggling inside and it’s nothing personal…well unless you triggered it…. but their triggers are something you can come to learn too. It all takes time, for the partner with anxiety and the partner without. Be patient with one another, be there for each other and communicate.

When studying you can be anxious about your workload, deadlines, exams, assignments, and then having a social life on top of that. It’s not easy! And hey, that’s alright, take it one step at a time. A great way I’ve learnt is writing to-do lists so I’m not thinking about what’s happening this time next week, I’ve planned what I need to do, and I can get on with it and even have the satisfaction of ticking it off as I go. So maybe give lists a try. Meditation is also good to bring you back to the present, or a mindful walk to focus on the now. We all can think about the future, but it can cause so much unnecessary stress, if you don’t need to think about it, try not to. Care for your mental health and relive stress where its unnecessary. It’s always easier said than done, but practice makes perfect, try all sorts of methods until something sticks, you will get there, do some research, and just be patient with yourself and don’t think you’ll just cure it overnight, it wont just go away I’m afraid, but the more you understand yourself and your anxiety, the easier it will be to live with it.

If you’re someone who’s grieving then anxiety can really get the better of you, you’ll be anxious about the fact that person is gone, you’re lonely and afraid of other people leaving your life in any way. All of that is very normal to experience so it’s important to remember what you do have, who you do have around you and to communicate your anxieties with them so they can help in any way that they can.

Anxiety can make social gatherings utterly terrifying, or just going to the shops even scary. Remind yourself of all the things that higher your vibration…that outfit doesn’t define you, that make-up looks good, but you don’t need it anyway, you have confidence in yourself and who you are, what someone else thinks who isn’t in your life doesn’t matter because you won’t ever need to interact with them anyway. I know I know, it’s not so simple but if you want to help yourself you will try, you will do your research, you will learn managing mechanisms, you will come to understand your triggers and you will be there for yourself. We are under pressure from everyone and everything around us, so we should alleviate some of that which we actually put on ourselves. Self-love and self-care people, it goes a long way. Learn to calm yourself, deep breaths, drink water, replenish your body, take a nap, take a walk, mediate, read, draw, watch tv. Act in a positive way when negative anxieties take over.

I want to remind people its okay you feel like this, to be like this, your feelings are so so valid and true, and I may not have all the wisdom in the world, but even if I’m just a friend to tell you it’s okay, to support you and empathise when maybe someone else wont, then I’m glad you’re here and reading this.

If you think I should touch on other things, please let me know, whatever it may be, I’m here for you <3

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Managing grief

Grief is something I’ve previously spoke about, and for myself it is a large topic with great importance to me. Over time I’ve learnt different things about grief and ways of managing it, not dealing or coping, managing. Even that word isn’t too nice I know but I’m not sure how else to word it. I just want to talk about some of the methods I’ve learnt about and use, to try and help someone else, or just spread the knowledge. One key thing to remember is your grief will never just end and that is ok, it’s all about learning to live a life without that person.

One very important ‘method’ so to speak, is finding your balance between living and grieving. It’s called the dual-process model. The idea is sometimes when grieving we can find ourselves dwelling on that grief too much, we allow it to overwhelm ourselves, but in other circumstances we can find ourselves avoiding the grief and purposefully putting it down and dismissing it. Either is not healthy and will put a drag on your mental health in a time when you’re already struggling. So, it’s all about balance, about finding that perfect amount of both. We need to take time to grieve and think about it, but we don’t need to spend too long on it, we also need to live our lives, so it doesn’t become consuming. It really is like a balancing scale, and it’s all about recognising what is right and healthy for you. If you find yourself dwelling too long and feeling more down than is necessary, take a break from it, remind yourself it is ok to live your life and not think about it 24/7. But if you also find yourself not thinking about it at all, remember to take some time out to process it, because that is healthy for you.

What coincides with learning to balance your grief is growing around it. One part of that scale is getting on with our lives, and in this when we have to learn to grow our lives around our grief, and this helps prevent that all-consuming dwelling on it. Keeping your grief will be important throughout your life, it doesn’t have to get smaller or less significant or even be forgotten. Instead, we must learn to work around our grief by making our world bigger. We must add new things to our lives, create new memories, grow as individuals, whilst still allowing room for our grief. Imagine a box, and inside is your grief and it fills the whole box, this will be where we all start. But then overtime you don’t centre your life around it, you gain new relationships and hobbies, make new memories, that box becomes bigger, but the grief stays the same size. Over more time the box, or your life/world, will become bigger, whilst the grief stays as is, still there, no smaller, still so important. The problem is many people can feel guilty if they don’t grieve, or they find themselves having this new life without that person there, and that they don’t think of them 24/7. This is more than normal, but we need to recognise it is healthy to add to your life and not allow your grief to consume you. You are allowed to have fun, to laugh, to add real good substance to your life, and its ok to get sad that that person isn’t there anymore, but trust me, they wouldn’t want you spending the rest of your life wallowing. That pain of your grief will always stay the same, but your world can expand around it, so it feels less suffocating.

Something else I’ve learnt which has really stuck with me is continuing bonds. That person is gone, sadly you can’t see them, be with them or do things with them, but that bond you had with them is still there, it is ever-present, and we can continue that bond still after they are gone. The idea is that instead of detaching from the deceased, we create a new relationship with them. When your loved one or friend or whoever it may be dies, grief isn’t about working through a linear process that ends with acceptance or a new life where you have moved on or compartmentalized their memory. Rather, it is slowly finding ways to adjust and redefine your relationship with that person, allowing for a continued bond. So, you’re probably wondering how to do this, well firstly it is important to infiltrate the other methods I’ve spoke about as well, and then because we are still acknowledging that person and our grief, we can make new bonds. To do this it is all about activities which make us feel close to that person, so if you used to do something with them like baking, still do it, continue that bond and reminisce on happy memories. If they had a favourite hobby, you could give it a try, for me my mum liked cross-stitch and I’ve now gained a new hobby and a way of connecting to her. I’m in fact finishing a piece she started, and this new bond I’ve created will last a lifetime. You may not like the hobby, but there’s no harm in trying. Some people plant a flower or tree or whatever it may be and go care for it, talk to it, have it as a representation of that person. I think many of us still may like to have a conversation if they’re not there, tell them things, and that’s a further way of continuing your bond, because you feel as though you are actively involving them in your life. You may wear something of theirs to feel closer to them, that is a continuation of your bond with them. You may go places that you did with them, and even make new memories there, that’s not stamping over or covering up or dismissing the other memories, it is continuing your bond, whilst allowing your life to grow around that grief and that person.

In reality, there is no right way of managing grief, it’s all about coming to a better understanding of yourself and trying new things, seeking help when its needed, and always allowing yourself to feel. This blog, everything I write about positivity, self-love and the rest of it, has all helped with my grief, it has helped me to understand myself better and helped me grow into who I am. Grief is a large part of me, but that doesn’t make me a negative person, it makes me human because it is something I had to experience. It’s okay if you’re struggling in grief, try these things, do your research, take time with you and you will get there and learn. It sucks when something takes time and you’ve struggled, but it’s all about finding your own way to that better place.

For anyone out there that is grieving, remember you are not alone in how you are feeling, you are not alone in your struggling, and you are not alone in feeling guilty. Grief is a difficult path to take, and no one’s is the same, so be kind to yourself, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

[all-of-the-above]

COVID-19 and You

The Pandemic, the one and only COVID-19, it’s affected each and every one of us in a number of ways. We have all undoubtably lost something…

a)     A loved one or friend

b)    A job

c)     A friendship

d)    A relationship

e)    Our motivation

f)      Our hope

g)     Maybe even all of the above? (If you have, my heart goes out to you)

This life changing event has had so much impact on people of all ages, and for myself it greatly affected what I thought would be an exciting time in my life. I was supposed to finish sixth form, have fun, go to May ball (I’ve never even been to prom so was definitely looking forward to this- but yeah not the biggest issue in the world I know), sit my a-levels, have my 18th birthday and go out, enjoy summer and prepare for uni. Instead, it all got cancelled. My birthday spent at home with my family, no goodbyes at school, most of my summer spent at home, and planning for uni…online. These ‘problems’ may see ridiculous to some of you, however I lost out on this time in my life I think so many of us look forward to. This loss, whilst still struggling with my mental health after the loss of my mum took a huge toll on me. My motivation left entirely, and I didn’t want to do anything, let alone help myself. I was in a state of depression and bad mental health, but for some time I didn’t even realise it. I didn’t care for myself, and since then I’ve learnt to recognise when my mood changes, when I need a little extra love for myself, and when I need to keep an eye on how I’m doing in order to prevent slipping back down that spiral (I still have bad days of course this is normal! Just not to the extreme of bad months). As I wrote about in my blog on keeping on the upwards spiral, it’s all about mindset and recognising your needs and emotions and acknowledging them to help yourself. However, back then it wasn’t so simple, I held onto the hope of seeing people and although it was crushed by news so many times, a small glint of hope was still there, a small light in a place full of darkness. Holding onto hope in times like this is something so crucial, if you can’t care for yourself in any other way, just have hope, no matter how small, because that will get you through. If you don’t think you even have that communicate it with somebody, anybody. Ask for help. Don’t feel guilty, we all need help at points and lockdown has proven to be such an isolating experience, so don’t fear reaching out. Do that small thing for yourself and you will benefit. I believed I wasn’t helping myself at all, yet that hope I had was a small portion of help. There was more I could’ve and should’ve done, but its all about learning and growing from our experiences, realising our priorities, and then learning how to care for them. Our number one priority is ourselves and often we realise this after going through bad time, commonly because we don’t want it to happen again and we want to do anything to prevent it, which means caring and looking out for ourselves. So, if you’ve struggled in lockdown, 1, 2, 3 or all of them, you’re okay, you’re here, and you’re learning, and you will get there. You are never alone, and don’t judge yourself if it’s taken time for you to learn you need to have more self-care, and more self-love. The fact is you have realised or are realising and that is such important, brilliant progress.

This pandemic has enforced an abundance of things as well as causing losses. It’s forced more alone time, less freedom, delayed plans, serious relationships and all-round new ways of life. More alone time can have serious effects on mental health like I just shared, however I have come to learn what a great opportunity it has been and will continue to be (just because were not in lockdown forever doesn’t mean you can’t continue spending some serious time with yourself!). Being alone enforces us to be more reliant on nobody but ourselves, more independence is gained, and even new skills are formed. It took me to become really down and lost to see I needed and wanted help, I reached for it and tried my upmost not to let go, I worked on myself and slowly found new methods of healing myself to become a better me. I’m not all the way there yet either, I’m still learning and understanding myself more and more every day. This is an ever-changing process with infinite goals, and by having the knowledge and ability to critically view ourselves we are able to continue this growth. Alone time now is less daunting, but do not worry if it still is for you, it’s a case of understanding what you want and realising that your mental health is important, and only you can care for it. Once you have that mindset you can begin a number of things to help, you can read books if you’re into that, especially self-help ones (trust me and give it a go, even if it’s an audio book, they really can inspire!), you can pick up new hobbies like drawing or sewing or baking, you can exercise, you can become mindful and practise meditation, you can take time to understand you. In changing my mindset and learning more about self-love, self-care and positivity, I myself have picked up new hobbies; I’m enjoying reading a lot more, especially these motivational self-help books like ‘Good vibes Goof life’ by Vex King, I love cross-stitch, it’s so relaxing and I’m a very creative person, I practice mindfulness, and most importantly to come out of this is my writing and starting this blog. I was inspired by others, but I also inspired myself. So, my advice is to you is to become your own inspiration, strive for your goals and have confidence in yourself.

As well as enforcing alone time, the lockdowns have also caused many people to have very serious relationships when possibly that would’ve been further down the line. This will of course lead to tensions and possibly even a loss of the relationship entirely. But its key to remember although you and your partner may have had to make serious decisions like moving in together or staying apart, putting a label on it or not due to covid, all of it was still your choice. It’s important to be there for one another and if you’re having doubts or feel an argument boiling up, communicate it, its not an easy situation but if you want it to work you have to find ways around it. Having alone time is key, that’s important for any relationship, but especially if it seems as though you’ve had to dive in the deep end because of the pandemic. What’s also important is spending quality time together, making date nights at home or on facetime, whatever you can do to feel a bit connected again, a bit normal. Sadly, the pandemic has also forced a lot of losses of relationships, both romantically and platonically. This may be from being in too-close-a-quarters or simply being too far away. Both scenarios are difficult, and it takes maturity and knowledge in yourself to tackle the situation as which is best. If you’ve lost people because of covid, I understand it is hard, its isolating enough never mind losing the people closet to you. However, we need to remain optimistic and look at the positives; if you tried your best to keep that relationship going, you made sacrifices, you communicated, then it is simple enough to see it was not you, and that person was not right for your life. Don’t put out energy if you don’t receive the same back. This isn’t always easy to recognise or understand but overtime you will notice a drag on your own mental and even physical state, and that’s when you can see your energy is depleting whilst you haven’t received anything in return for your hard efforts. In other cases, you may be the one not rewarding the other person with the same energy, this is ok too, it’s all about understanding where you are on your own journey. The best thing you can do is assess all your relationships whilst you have the time to do so. Think about what either person is putting in, and then what is being taken out, if its not even, assess on who’s side and then bring it up (tell that person and try to get them to understand how its making you feel and even suggest, if there is, ways of preventing it, or tell yourself, assess your actions, make your friend/partner aware that you know your mistakes, so to speak, and chose to act on them). The final key is deciding if that relationship is right for you, whether you’re putting in more or less effort than the other, take time to see why and try to come to an understanding on if your unhappy or need something to change, whatever it may be, assess that relationship and act on what is right for you. And don’t fret, seeing whether its right or not doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time and effort, just like the relationship. If you’re unsure, don’t rush a decision, and always keep in mind what has happened to thus allow you to come to a better decision after some time.

Whatever may have happened to you in the course of this pandemic there is no doubt it will have impacted your mental health, and this why I talk about self-love and self-care in such an extensive way. Although there’s been a lack of freedom, we can still do things, we can still expand our minds, expand our capabilities and ensure we care for ourselves along the way. Needing a bit more down time than usual in these circumstances is ok, it is understandable and the fact you recognise that for yourself is proof of your progress. If you haven’t been doing this then go do it now, take some reflective time and think about your needs and act on them.

I’m sure we are all now feeling much more optimistic as of the news and it truly is fantastic! We have so much to look forward to but remember not to get ahead of yourself, yet also don’t panic that it will take time to get there, it may not be back to normal tomorrow or the next day, but small steps of progress are better than none. The same goes for your mental health. Just stay optimistic, change those negatives to positives, keep occupied and learn something new, and most importantly hold onto your hope. Never feel alone, there are hundreds of millions of people who feel just as you do, reach out to friends, family, even strangers, even me, we are all here to remind you of how wonderfully you are doing and will continue to do.

If there’s anything I haven’t touched on well enough or anyone has anything to say, leave a comment or send me a message. I’m here as a friend and thank you to all of you that are a part of this growing community.