amayainlove

[amayainlove]

big amnesia again, but it didn't last as long. i'm extremely tired, like being hangover, but purely from dissociation. but as it was so bad yesterday, i had to went inpatient again, to keep me and the body safe. so i'm here, feeling extremely sick, in pain even tho i take painkillers, and confused.

i'll go to the city now, praying to not be too confused and getting through that.

[amayainlove]

repeat after me:

i am not helpless because i have a personality disorder. i am responsible for treating people with basic respect and human decency. manipulative thoughts don't make me a bad person, and even realizing my behavior was manipulative is okay - huge plans about how i want to get people to like me for which i INTENTIONALLY make them jealous to "get them back" and stuff is really really immature and harmful. i am strong enough to communicate wizn people. i know how hard relationships can be, i respect my fear, my anger, my sadness, but i am not excused for treating people badly. i am okay.

[amayainlove]

[amayainlove]

i go for a run, and so i have to shower and cut up plasters to fit the cuts again. i'm trying to keep my memories together, but they stray and i am not fast enough to get them all. i'm scared to close my eyes, scared to wake up in a different place again. i loosely remember what i did yesterday, the last hours, but it's already drifting away. i'm existing without space and time, breathing through the heat, trying to think clearly while everything is just foggy and more soft edged as it should be. "something is wrong", is all the input my tired brain gives, not fearful, it's just a fact. something IS wrong. i can't change it. and so i'm laying here. trying not to blink to give memory loss less place to strike.

[amayainlove]

todays space to sleep. my small nest. tonight i'll even have more balkets. sleeping/being outside is so important zu me. so the balcony it is. atm, i'm just chilling here, listening to the birds and the village around me. couldn't be happier. i think even that small crying part in me is able to breathe for a second.

[amayainlove]

at this point, it's so bad i need to laugh about it. no memories at all, but then feeling everything, and even those are not mine. its so exhausting not knowing what's going on.

[amayainlove]

i am so scared of this feeling. i want to be able to do anything about this deep fear and grief and pain that is just out of reach, i can feel it's there, but it's not mine to feel. no one here understands how hurtful it is to come upfront about dissociative symptoms to a professional and to get told "try more skills. that will do" - like, i had a whole dbt inpatient. i try for years now. it's not like i don't try - i just can't grab what i am supposed to do against symptoms that are always there?! "mindfulness", says literally everyone, but how, if it makes everything worse than better? i'm scared of my symptoms. and no one cares.

[amayainlove]

on today's episode of "am i dissociating or developing psychosis?": my therapist told me to just feel my body, try cold, try whatever - but evertime i try to get me to feel my body, i feel like a stranger in a prison of flesh. i am not a body. feel like it doesn't belong with me. i am so tired.

[amayainlove]

attachment issues are so weird, 'cause what do you mean my inner child is crying just because my doctor was proud of me and i didn't get the ✨right kind of attention ✨ and she didn't act like my mother? of course she doesn't. she gets paid to be a good psychiatrist, not my mom. it's the same as with my teachers in school.

why can't i get over myself?

the saddest thing is that i still miss favorite persons from YEARS ago, just as much as the first day. i just can't move on.

[amayainlove]

seeing people my age talk about how scared they are of memory loss, which they only associate with old age, is so surreal to see as a 24 year old who has actively experienced memory loss for a long time now

there are causes for memory loss besides dementia and alzheimer’s, i hope y’all know that. dissociative disorders, trauma, brain injuries, thyroid problems, even just stress and lack of sleep can fuck up your ability to store, process, and access memory. and that’s just a few of the many causes i can think of off the top of my head right now.

please stop treating disabled people like some scary “other” that you might become only in the distant, decades-away future. we are your age, too. you may become one of us sooner than you know. stop acting like memory loss marks the end of a life, when so many of us have so much living left to do!

[amayainlove]

dissociating be like - i love the world, it's not real though. i can't deal with this body, but i can't even feel it, so it's probably also not real, am i just a ghost then? who am i? i am flying. i am just seeing myself from above. oh, i have scars. i need to get back to hospital, but how does one move while not being able to move? why am i able to move without feeling my limbs? the world is so bright the world is just colours, is anything real, am i getting psychotic? oh, i just beamed myself a few songs and half the way forward, how did i even get here, i don't belong here, i don't remember how to move, i don't know how i'm breathing, i-

[amayainlove]

being so deep in an depersonalization that the only thing you recognize about yourself are your sh scars (at least i know why they're there) <<<

[amayainlove]

this. wouldn't know how to put it in words better.

fucking hell. it just sucks when you keep telling yourself "ok, let's get it together! everything's fine! everything will be fine, you're just in a rough spot right now and it will end! let's cope in the sustainable ways we've spent learning and practicing for years now! let's not feel like a complete sack of shit today! we're going to be okay! see, you feel kind of okay right now!!!" and then like a minute later you feel like you're being crushed involuntarily by indescribable pain, anger, loneliness, & that helpless feeling you get when you're a little kid and someone left you alone somewhere and you have no fucking clue what to do. it's funny (not) because i have this automatic voice in my head telling myself i'm choosing to be unstable, but then i try to bootstrap out of it and of course it doesn't work. idk, i will say, some of the discourse around """"mental illness"""" in antipsych circles does a weird turn where it kind of sounds like we can all CBT our way our of debilitating mindbody states because they're all socially rooted. i know that doesn't make any sense. but when you'd fucking kill to take anything that might give you relief for longer than a few weeks it's just. it's a lot. the thoughts aren't coming together but. whatever

[amayainlove]

tw: sui!

i am struggling again. i hate hope. i hate thinking it'll be okay, just to get here again. i hate that even on an open ward, i just want to d!€. i have a plan, and of course i don't want to get thrown out from here and get back to the closed one, i can't stop thinking about it. i don't want sh. i want to be gone for good. and i could. fuck this.

[amayainlove]

tw: sh, alcohol (and trigger) talk

i'll probably be allowed to go home for a few hours today. it's the first time in over a month i'll be there. i feel sick. told them i'll be alright. but tbh, i don't know if i'll be

i've got my blades, my rum, there will probably be bloody towels on the floor - a lot of triggers after being in hospital for so long. i don't want to disappoint them and loose my freedom again. but also, everything is a lot. and hope hurts well more than just staying in my old habits.

i don't know if i'll ever be able to leave my "dark" world. i know, i'm an adult. i should be at a point where i'm actively recovering. i've been struggling for so long. i should be further in my recovery. and even though i'm fighting so hard at the moment, i miss cutting, starving, drinking, numb myself through alcohol and blood. never thought i'll make it to twenty-two - and now i'm here, still struggling, still lonely, still lost.

i hate this illness and my thoughts.

[amayainlove]

tw: mention of sh & ed & sui

i've been in hospital for so long, i feel like i don't remember life outside. i had to pause university, and today a friend came to visit me - and all the big improvements (getting to an open ward, being allowed to go outside, go to the shop ect) seemed so small in comparison to him studying and hanging out with his friends.

on the bright side: i had an appointment for a trauma clinic, where i'll sleep at home and be there for therapy through the day. it's specialized on trauma, which is such a big chance - and they said they'll probably take me. so now i just have to wait for them to confirm it.

feels weird to try to get better. i've not been s€lf harm free for three weeks in nearly a year. even thinking about it makes it feel like i'm not valid enough to even struggle. i don't know. it hurts. especially telling them that i hold my setpoint weight atm had anorexia screaming. big parts of me want to get worse, run away, hurt myself, is screaming for sui - but i won't. i can do it - maybe?

i have a tiny bit of hope. and a lot of fears. and it hurts.

let's go on an adventure, shall we?

[amayainlove]

i'm scared. my neurologist suggested i have DID today.

i lost a big chunk of memory this week - i woke up in a different city hours from home, not knowing where i am and where i belong. i tried to get home in the last days, had to sleep in a psych ward halfway there, and finally got home yesterday.

i got to my doctor to get my eeg checked out, and nothing in there explains my amnesia, just the epilepsy we already know about. so it's not a "brain issue". i somehow even wished for a tumor or some other problem so that i do have an explanation, and all those questions are answered. i couldn't talk to my psychiatrist today, and so i'm so lost.

i don't believe in me having DID, but i don't know what could cause something like that. it's dissociative. i know i'm dissociating sometimes. but what could trigger a episode that severe that i don't remember days, maybe a week?!

what if i'm just imagining it all? what if it's just overreacting? what if i'm lying? just a pathological lier?

i don't even know anymore. i don't want more questions, i want answers. i don't want to think about being even more severely traumatized than i already am. i don't even know what tags to use. i just want to be okay.