aylanohsix

[aylanohsix]

i spent an hour reading old messages from my previous relationship to test whether i still miss it or not. i cant explain how i felt. my face was blank and my heart sank the whole time. my mind kept saying "i loved this person, what happened?" and "why cant i feel anything?" while looking at all the photos and messages

back then, i used to cry whenever i'd stumble upon an old message or photo on accident because it'd make me panic and i'd either sob or explode. i feel nothing now. my mind doesnt whine about missing or hating them anymore. i felt nothing except for my heart dipping since it was hella weird to see the words on my screen phase through me even tho they used to mean life or death to me a year ago

anywho, i believe moved on. i accept that theyre not entering my life again- whether it's for the good or the bad. it's over n nothing's gonna harm me again. i used to hate them because i used to believe they were responsible for what felt like my torture, but now im grateful for it. i learned so much about myself and i learned from all of the mistakes i made

i dont regret my previous relationship anymore. im actually thankful for it. it proved to me that i can keep going even when i feel like my life is coming to an end. 4-5 months ago i thought ending it was the solution because i felt like everything i cared for was ruined. i couldnt find a way out, so i made my own way out. DIYing a survival method was not fun but im at peace after working so hard for it

[aylanohsix]

please please pleasee

[aylanohsix]

hii i disappeared for a month.. um happy late pride month first of all :> june went very well!! tbh i might turn this blog into an online diary ^.^ just daily yaps.. or hella long yaps. my diary is always too far irl plus it's on the brink of getting full so i might as well switch to a digital one :> i go hiking on friday yayy!!

[aylanohsix]

i started playing cookie run kingdom 3 hours ago. it's actually pretty fun. it helps me forget about my depressing thoughts :">

[aylanohsix]

love it when i cant recognize myself in the mirror because i am disgusting and unlovable n i only view the things i love as human and worthy of perception but i dont view myself as worthy of shit cuz im such a miserable excuse of a human since i live to be traumatized that's all im good for someone save me i just want hands that love me n wipe my tears when i cry 3 days in a row like this i just want someone to hug me so tight n tell me that it's not my fault why cant i be loved why do i love myself so little to the point where i dont even want to believe i exist?

[aylanohsix]

it's sexual abuse recovery summer hahahahahaaaaa (i got out of my sexually abusive relationship of 1 yr and 3 months only 2 months ago)

this is the third time. im heartbroken. i wanted pure fucking love. i didnt expect to be used like an object by a man who was hiding his six year long porn addiction from me. it was my very first relationship too like why the fuck would someone do that to someone who has never ever even hugged someone up until then?? what did i do to deserve that? i was only 17. im so glad that lots of people believed me when i spoke up, but im just so shattered

i cant look in the mirror without remembering the feeling of his hands touching me. i cant shower without remembering the feeling of his body against mine. i cant sleep without the feeling of him touching me. it's like im infected. i want to get rid of myself n just shed everything off like an insect

when i see someone who looks like him, hear his location on the news, see his name, and wear certain clothes, i get scared and i break down because it's all a reminder of him. almost like im being haunted

i was the second victim too. he told me "a girl falsly accused me of SAing her when i was in 10th grade but i was able to get her kicked out of that school thanks to my mom's help" over n over again during our relationship and i fucking believed him. i was also his 5th fucking ex, so he knew what he was doing. especially since he told me "porn affected all of my other relationships"

for months, i've been searching for the girl before me just to tell her that we're in this together but i have no luck. i feel so stupid. he gained my trust through that bullshit lie while knowing i've experienced SA from ages 12-16 already

i hate myself because im an idiot since all i've been doing is crying since i spoke up about it in march. police didnt help me cuz "he lives too far." it's my fault for thinking the police would take sexual coercion seriously. i told his friends and family too. only god knows if they took me seriously or not considering the fact that im the second ex in a row to speak up about his sexual abuse

i bet he's saying that im a liar and that im psychotic, just like he did with the first girl. that's the only thing sexual abusers know how to do. they can only lie, manipulate, and ommit their abuse to look like good people to others

i live while reminding myself that he's friends with 14 yr old girls on the internet while he's 19 years old, n that his friends are always getting exposed for being pedophiles anyway, so it's gonna come to light soon. karma will get him n theyre all gonna see that he's a monster. once a rapist, always a rapist

[aylanohsix]

my sideblog/actual main acct is @aylanohsix i had no idea that following people there would show as thicc-senpai haha whoops... idk how to make aylanohsix my primary blog this sucks

[aylanohsix]

[aylanohsix]

aylan :: 18 :: FtM :: he/him + ve/ver

hi im aylan (pronounced as "island"). im born in 2006, so im 18 turning 19 rn. this is my mental health/spam/junk blog. i've actually had this blog since i was 16, but i didnt know what to do with it till now

im bipolar, im a recovering anorexic, and i have cptsd. those are the mental disorders that im most open about. (trigger warning for abuse mentions) im also open about my childhood + teenhood history of being sexually and physically abused (trigger warning end)

im gonna be symptomatic about everything i listed along with my unmentioned shit too because i overshare. i will always provide trigger warnings in my tags though cuz i dont wanna accidentally hurt anyone

minors dni please. im gonna be turning 19 years old and i dont feel comfortable interacting with anyone under the age of 18 because of the age gap & maturity difference. outside of that, i block whatever upsets me so yea

im pretty friendly so feel free to message me ^.^ please be an adult if u wanna talk

tags

#theresnothinglefthere%: yapping

#iloveuihateuimissu%: venting

#ucantgetitujustdontgetit%: ranting

#iwonderdouminddoumind%: reblogs

#itsmeand22baby%: personal/aylancore