bi-bard

[bi-bard]

Sing of What's Lost to You; Of Times That You Never Knew - James "Bucky" Barnes Imagine [Marvel]

Title: Sing of What's Lost to You; Of Times That You Never Knew

Pairing: James "Bucky" Barnes X Reader | mention of John Walker X Reader

Word Count: 13,508 (help, this got so out of hand)

Warning(s): memory loss, manipulation (best word for it), grief, insecurities, break up/unhealthy relationship, mention of major character death (please let me know if I missed anything)

Summary: [Post-Thunderbolts*] (Y/n) woke up with no memory in a place they couldn't recognize. They're left as a blank slate surrounded by a group that seems to care deeply about them. Some try to bring back as much as possible, some try to hide what could be too harmful, and some avoid the problem entirely. (Y/n)'s desperate search for their own past leads them through their biggest wins, worst losses, and everything in between.

Author's Note: Okay. A few things. First, I haven't seen Thunderbolts*, but I needed a character that I could believe would think a certain way who was in proximity to Bucky (I'm going off of edits and vibes). Second, this story is kinda inspired by Next to Normal, which will make sense as you read, I hope.

This also might be the best time to say that the final reason I committed to watching through the MCU is because of an edit of Steve and Bucky set to "Aftershocks" from Next to Normal.

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There were few experiences more terrifying than waking up to six strangers staring at you.

Except when the situation happens and you're in a hospital bed in a place that could've been a hospital if it hadn't been just a little too high tech.

I woke up slowly, as if it were any other morning. I blinked sleep out of my eyes, going to run my hands down my face only to stop short. One reason was because I realized that I was not in a place that I knew at all and the other reason was because one of my hands were being held by a man that I did not recognize.

I slowly processed everything else. The group of people, the medical equipment, the feeling of a needle in my arm. Everything unfamiliar and overwhelming. I felt like a fish flopping on land while people just watched.

"(Y/n)!"

I flinched when someone spoke up. A woman. Short blonde hair. She looked like someone had flipped a switch in her mind as soon as she saw my eyes open.

The man holding my hand immediately met my gaze. He let out a relieved sigh and laughed a bit. He was blonde with a beard. He was handsome. I just had no idea who he was. I watched his face fall as I pulled my hand away from his.

"I'll get the doctor," another man spoke up. He was near the door, leaning on the wall. Dark hair and dark clothes. I immediately felt some kind of connection to him, but I didn't know why.

I sat in silence after that. I just took a quiet inventory of the other people here.

Along with the blonde woman and the blonde man, there was one man standing a bit taller than the rest with a thick grey beard and a wide smile on his face. He was clearly happy I was awake.

There was another man. He was in a baggy sweater and had some messy brown hair falling in his face. He seemed more out of place than everyone else. It was like he was constantly checking to see if there was something he was supposed to be doing. Like he was waiting to get in trouble with someone.

The final mystery person was another woman. Dark hair and some kind of badass tech suit on. She looked like an astronaut, especially compared to the rest of the group.

"Here," the blonde bearded man pushed a tray over my bed. There was a cup sitting on top. "Should drink that before talking. You were out for a while."

I furrowed my eyebrows but accepted the drink anyway. I didn't remember passing out. I didn't really remember... anything. I tried to think of how I ended up there, when that could've happened. And then I kept trying to reach back further and further and further. There was just... nothing. A black hole in my brain.

"How do you feel," the blonde woman asked with a thick Russian accent in her voice.

"Fine...," I muttered, still suspicious of the whole group.

They all seemed uneasy about my uneasiness.

It was then that the man with the dark hair and clothes came back in. A doctor was hot on his heels. I remained quiet as the doctor checked my vitals and checked some bandages that I don't remember needing.

"Follow the light without moving your head, okay?"

I nodded, following his instructions.

He muttered to himself about pupil reaction and ability to move only my eyes before moving on, "Can you tell me today's date?"

I paused for a moment before shaking my head.

"Do you know where you are?"

I shook my head again.

"Do you know your name?"

I felt tears fill my eyes as I shook my head for the third time. Oh God. There was nothing there. I was trying to find some semblance of who I was or where I was or something, but I couldn't.

The room felt like it was boiling to the point of chaos. The entire group erupted into questions. Asking what happened, asking how much I forgot, asking how to fix it.

I caught the eyes of the man with dark hair and dark clothes. He looked... devastated. Devastated but in a way where he was clearly trying to bury it. He let out a huff through his nose before turning around and leaving the room completely. I wanted to call him back, but I couldn't.

"I understand your concern, but all this loud noise is not going to help," the doctor said firmly. "You must all quiet down so we can begin properly assessing the damage to (Y/n)'s memory."

My breathing sped up as I got closer to sobbing.

"Hey, hey," the man that had been next to me went to sit next to me on the hospital bed. He was the only one who had actually stopped frantically asking the doctor questions besides the man that had just left. I froze, yanking my hand away as he went to grab it again. "It's okay. Everything's okay."

"Stop touching me," I muttered, trying to make my voice firmer than it was ever going to sound in that moment.

"Okay," he held his hands up and stood up from his seat on the bed. "No more touching. I'm sorry."

The doctor was looking at me again. "I know this may seem like a lot and I'm sorry, but do you recognize anyone in this room?"

"No, I don't," I answered. "I don't remember these people, I don't remember where I am, I don't remember where I live, and I don't remember my name. I... I don't remember anything."

The room fell silent at my outburst. No more questions. Not to me or the doctor or for anyone.

"Can I- Can I please have a few minutes alone," I asked, wiping my eyes.

"Of course," the doctor nodded before motioning for everyone else to leave the room. The blonde man tried to give me a comforting smile before leaving. I just looked at him.

The silence that filled the room wasn't any better than the chaos that had been happening before that. There was still nothing for me to grasp onto. No connections or ideas. I was just sulking in it now.

Maybe some part of me needed that. The time to myself to just let everything crash over me. I was scared of everything. The people, the room, wherever the room was. All of it was just too much. Being able to lay down and cry on my own was what I needed. No one grabbing my hand or comforting me because there was nothing good about this. No bright side to be shown. It was just... painful.

A new woman came in a few minutes later. An older woman with dark hair with some light streaks in the front. She stood like she was in charge. Like she had the solution to every problem that could be thrown at her. I was curious about how much she knew about people having their memories wiped.

I saw the original group behind her, waiting in the door. They were still missing the guy that had left earlier. They all looked scared. Terrified.

"Hey there, (Y/n)," the woman sat on the edge of my bed. Not like how that man did before. It wasn't an attempt to comfort me; it was an attempt to look like she wanted to comfort me. More rigid, more performative. "How are you feeling, dear?"

"How do you think?" I muttered, playing with the blanket over my lap. "That's my name then? (Y/n)."

"Yes," she confirmed. "And I am your boss. Valentina Allegra de Fontaine."

Dramatic, I noted mentally. My eyes fell on what seemed to be a new doctor behind her. I could see the clipboard and formal clothes.

"Okay, so, I know this is all overwhelming, but I promise we are going to take care of this," she explained, going to touch my hand. I flinched away. She gave a tight smile. False acceptance. "This is Dr. Franklin Schmidt. He works with the top memory disorder centers in the world. If anyone can help you, it's him."

I nodded politely to the man.

"And your team," Dr. Franklin said as he motioned to the group by the door, "are going to help me do that. It'll be slow, in the hopes of not overwhelming you, but they'll do most of the work in guiding you back through your memories."

"And they're doing that willingly?"

"Absolutely," the blonde man from earlier spoke up immediately.

I felt a small grin pull up at the corner of my lips. It was the first time he did something that felt more comforting than overwhelming.

He grinned back at me.

"Well," Valentina clapped her hands. "I think Dr. Schmidt and I are going to leave you to get... re-acquainted. I'll let you know when your first appointment is."

"Thank you," I replied. She nodded before kind of herding the doctor out of the room.

The team started to slowly spill back into the room. I saw Valentina stop the blonde man from earlier. Just for a moment. Just long enough to mutter some comment to him.

"Hey," the blonde woman said as she made it to my bedside. "I... I don't know how to do this."

"Me neither," I muttered. She chuckled a bit like she couldn't have stopped it. Like I had truly contradicted something she knew about me.

"Sorry," she replied before holding out her hand to shake mine. "I'm Yelena."

"Yelena," I repeated as I accepted her hand, hoping it would click into my mind and unlock something. It didn't.

"Yeah, and here we have Alexei," she motioned to the man with the big grey beard. He said something about being Yelena's dad. She ignored him.

Yelena continued introducing the group. The other woman in the cool suit was Ava. The man in the baggy sweater was Bob. Finally, the blonde man that had tried to hold my hand was John.

"And the guy that left earlier was Bucky," she added. "I... don't know why and I will be interrogating him later."

"Hi," I said awkwardly, waving to them. They all waved back. "And where am I exactly?"

"The medbay of the Watchtower," she replied. "We all stay here together."

"Okay," I mumbled, nodding slowly. "And does anyone know when I can get out of the medbay?"

They all looked around at each other.

"That's a no," I almost chuckled. "Will someone please ask?"

John was out the door before the question was done being asked.

"He always like that?"

"With you, it's pretty common," Yelena shrugged.

It made me pause. Just with me. What did I have going on with this man?

John came back a few minutes later. He said that the doctor's plan was to run a few additional tests before letting me go. Blood work and a scan of my brain. The scan to see if there was any clear point of failure in my brain's functioning and the bloodwork to ensure that nothing had been injected into me without knowing.

I told the team to leave while they did the testing. It seemed like all of the work here was incredibly important, so to keep them stuck to my side didn't make sense.

John asked to stay. I agreed.

I learned that I didn't do well with blood draws. My breath caught at the sight of the needle; nausea swirled in my stomach. John offered his hand, letting me basically use it as a stress ball. Once it was over, I let go of his hand. He didn't fight me on it, but I could see the disappointment on his face.

The scan was better. No sudden anxiety or strange need to vomit. It was over faster than I thought it would be. Not that I was complaining. I was very content with not having to sit in that damn bed any longer than I had to.

John brought me down some clothes to change into. It only made me question whatever we were even more. He knew where I kept my clothes. Why did he know that? How long had he known that? How much did he know?

He snapped me out of my thoughts by offering to walk me back to my room. I accepted. I didn't know why. I just did.

He didn't speak up while we walked. He didn't try to reach for my hand again. He just walked next to me.

I didn't speak either. I had too many questions to ask. All of them were getting jumbled on my tongue. A hundred beginnings and endings getting tied together. None of them made any sense now. It was just a mess.

John stopped at my door, letting me walk inside with a quiet, "Good night."

I said it back to him.

I didn't sleep very much that night. Instead, I sat on the top of my covers, staring out at the landscape through my window. I was stunned at just how high up my room was. I wanted it to be familiar. I wanted to imagine what that old version of me saw when they looked through this window. I just... couldn't.

The rest of the room was the same. A bed that I couldn't remember picking, a desk chair that was clearly chosen with a care that I may never find again, decorations on the wall that told of a life unknown. The forbidden parts of a map. Locked boxes with missing keys.

There was a time in the middle of the night when the air shifted. Where the tower didn't feel as quiet and still.

I could hear someone on the other side of the door. Just barely. They never knocked. They just stood there, shifting every few seconds, as if trying to find the confidence to do something other than stare at the wood. I almost went to swing the door open but decided against it. I wanted to see what they would do. I let out a breath when they walked away a few minutes later. Strange. Very strange.

After that, I seemed to doze off. I was in an awkward slumped position against the bed's headboard. Curtains still opened, no nighttime routine done. Just me giving up the fight against my heavy eyelids.

I woke up to a knock on my door the next morning. I blinked a few times at the bright sunlight that was not completely covering my room.

John was on the other side of the door. He stood there with a small grin and a tray in his hands.

"Hi," I muttered, still clearly very much tired.

"Hi," he replied. "I didn't know if you'd want to deal with everyone so early, so I thought I'd bring you breakfast."

I stared at the plate. Eggs with toast. A banana cut up and placed in a small cup to keep it from getting warm because of the eggs and toast. Some orange juice and some coffee on the side. The coffee had seam rising from the top. It smelled of peppermint. It made me smile.

I stepped to the side, nodding for John to come in. He seemed shocked but did so anyway.

The tray was placed on my desk. I sat in front of it, suddenly realizing that I was starving. I should've been embarrassed at the sound I made at the first bite of the eggs, but I wasn't. I was almost embarrassed at how sentimental I felt as I took a sip of my coffee.

John had placed himself on the edge of my bed.

I awkwardly turned in a half-circle, so I was able to look at him and still reach the food.

"This is really good," I said quietly. "Thanks."

"You're welcome," he grinned.

There was a long pause. There wasn't a way to go about having this conversation. There were no guidelines or ideas. How do you break the ice when you've had your brain go through a factory reset?

"I was thinking that I could help you answer some questions about your past, if you'd like," John offered. "I don't know everything, but I can help with some basic stuff."

"That would be great, actually," I replied. "Might help me a little bit of footing."

"Okay." he seemed to light up a bit when I accepted. "Where do you wanna start?"

"Well, I know my name now," I said. "I know the team's names. I understand that we all work together and all live here... what is here?"

"Yeah, it's called the Watchtower."

"Yelena mentioned that name before. What is it?"

"It's mostly a base. A place for all of us to live and work," he explained. "We're all part of a group meant to handle problems the police or government can't handle on their own."

"Very... spokesperson."

"Val helped with it a bit."

I chuckled. "So... who am I in this group?"

"You're a genius. Like by definition."

I furrowed my eyebrows. I didn't feel like a genius in any capacity.

"You work with tech, mostly. Mainly out of the tower. Computers, drones, hacking when needed."

I nodded. It felt a bit self-centered to say that I sounded badass, but I did. Some kind of cool hacker that ended up working with some special superhero group. It read as badass on paper.

"And what am I to you?" I tried to seem casual about my question.

I saw John face start to turn pink.

"John?"

"Just... just wait a second."

I was taking another bite of my toast as I watched him walk over to my closet. He rummaged around the top shelf before letting out a proud laugh at his apparent success.

He turned back to me and proudly held up some box that had been tucked away. He set it on the bed, opening the lid. He started looking through it like he had done it a hundred times. I almost chuckled at him as he excitedly looked through everything.

"Okay, now, this is going to be a long story, but these should help," John explained. He set a pile of photos on the desk next to me. "You always preferred physical photos to just leaving them on a computer or a camera. Then, they can't be lost to something being broken or a file being corrupted."

"Smart," I muttered. He chuckled at me.

I grabbed the first photo. It was just John standing in some kind of garage. He was very clearly posing. Helmut on, shield in hand. I flipped it over. I laughed at the handwriting on the back.

"'Baby's first suit'," I read out loud. "'Tony would be proud'. Who's Tony?"

John looked over my shoulder at the message I wrote. "Tony Stark, probably. He was a bit of a mentor to you. Used to own this building, actually."

"Really?"

He nodded. "You talked about him a lot when you first made the suit."

"Must've been important to me."

"No doubt about it."

I frowned at the thought that someone so important had been just wiped away from me. How could I go from admiring someone to just not knowing them at all?

I took a deep breath.

I flipped to the next photo. It was in the same place. The big difference was that I was in the photo too. John was looking at me with a smile while I looked at the camera. I looked at the back. So no one else takes credit - John.

"I thought you hated me not long before this," John said quietly. "You probably did."

"Doesn't look like it," I muttered.

"This was a very different time," he chuckled. "You... You did a lot to get me to pull my head out of my ass."

We spent most of the morning going through the pile of photos he had grabbed while I nibbled at the breakfast he had brought. I watched landscapes and views turning into photos from dates and events. At some point, we had clearly gotten together. At some point, we were happy.

It almost felt unfair that I was stuck with a bunch of vague memories. Ideas of what I had instead of just knowing that I had them.

I let John grab my hand when I felt tears fill my eyes.

"Sorry," I mumbled. "I'm sorry I can't remember all of this. You. I'm sorry that I dragged you into-"

"You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing."

I nodded slowly. "I still wish I remembered more of... this. It seems... It seems nice."

"We'll figure this out," he promised, pulling my hand up to kiss the back of it. "Not just us but the rest of the team too. You're not going to be left alone here. Ever."

"Thanks," I grinned at him. "I am curious."

"Yeah?"

"If we got together before we moved here... why didn't we move into the same room?"

I watched every gear turn in John's brain as he processed the thought. "I... I don't know."

"Maybe it's for the best." I let my finger trace the edge of the photo I had been holding. "Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to avoid sharing a bed until after I remember a bit more."

"Maybe," he agreed before looking at the clock on my desk. "Shit, I have training. Are you okay on your own for a while?"

"My memory was wiped, John, I wasn't turned into a toddler."

He scoffed. "Glad to know your attitude wasn't impacted."

I grinned at him. He hesitated for a moment before leaning down and kissing the top of my head.

"I'll take the dishes with me." he grabbed the tray.

I watched him head to the door. He offered a bit of an awkward wave as he left the room.

I gathered up the photos we had gone through and took them back over to the box. The photos were mostly organized in order of when they were taken. Maybe it was a coincidence, but I had my doubts about that.

I placed the earlier grabbed pile in the empty space before taking a handful from the beginning of the bundle. I sat on the mattress next to the box and started going through them.

The first was one that I hadn't taken. It was a younger version of me very excitedly hugging a man. He had a goatee and was clearly not nearly as ecstatic about the hug as I was. He was grinning, but it was just different. Proud. I could see some kind of light poking through his shirt.

I flipped the photo over. First successful test with Tony.

Tony. Tony Stark. John had mentioned him. My mentor.

He looked like a mentor.

I tried to think of who could've taken the picture, but I was drawing a complete blank. I tried to think of what we could've been testing before. Still a blank. All I knew was that this man was Tony Stark and I had been very close to him at some point.

The next photo was at a boxing ring. Tony was off to the side with a woman that I couldn't give a name too, but I definitely knew. In the ring was another man and a red-headed woman. She was clearly winning the fight. I must've found that impressive. Or funny.

I flipped the photo. That time Natasha kicked Happy's ass.

Natasha. Another name that poked at my brain but didn't seem to open up anything. It was all just information.

"This is such bullshit," I muttered.

I flipped to the next photo. Another photo that I didn't take. It was me and Tony again, but there was a third person there. There was a note on the back about a dream team. Me, Tony, and Bruce. Yeah, another name without any weight to it. For fuck’s sake.

The next few photos showed me a few more new faces. Clint, Thor, and Steve. Steve made me pause. Similar to Tony when I first spotted him. Like there was something special about him that I just couldn't place. Maybe I had been close to him too. Maybe my brain was just confused.

I tucked the photos away again. Instead of going in order, I decided to just keep flicking through photos until something clicks into place.

Most were the same faces as before. I noticed more and more of Steve popping up. And Natasha. Tony was pretty consistent in them but at some point, he started to disappear. I didn't take much time to think about it. It wasn't sparking anything.

I paused at the photo of a landscape. It wasn't much. It was just powerful enough to make me stop. I turned it over. Bucharest. Why the hell did I go to Bucharest? And why the hell did my subconscious place so much value on that trip?

The next pause came quite a few photos later. Another landscape photo, but this one had a man in the center with long hair. The sun was kind of obstructing him. I couldn't make out his face.

The "White Wolf" in Wakanda.

How helpful. I hope that the version of me that still had their memories got slapped a few times.

I felt something pull at my heart. Some kind of longing or just plain need? I knew who was in the photo, even if I couldn't see them. And I needed them. I missed them.

I found another photo later. Me and two men. One was the man that had run out of my room in the medbay without an explanation. Bucky. The other was someone named Sam. I had seen him in a few photos with Steve and me. We were all together, smiling. I had my arms around their shoulders, dragging them as close as I could. It seemed to make both of them amused.

I found myself tearing up again. I missed them. Both of them. Even with one of them living in the same tower.

I pulled myself out of my room around dinner time.

John found me again as I wandered the halls.

"Well, hello there," he said, a smile pulling onto his face. "How's your day been?"

"Good, good," I nodded. "I... I looked through some more of those photos that I had in the closet."

"Anything come back to you," he asked.

"Mostly names," I shrugged. "Probably because it's still early."

He nodded.

"I... I worked with a team before this one, didn't I?"

"The Avengers," he answered. "The original ones. You actually stayed in this tower most of the time. Before the remodel."

"That must be why I walked into the hall like I knew where anything was."

He chuckled. "Come on, let's get you some dinner."

The kitchen was seemingly empty when we got there. John told me to sit down and that he'd bring something over for me. I nodded.

I stared down at the table like it was going to suddenly give me all of the answers that I needed.

My head popped up when I heard footsteps entering the room.

Bucky walked in. He was still in dark clothes. But this time, I was able to actually look at his face. He looked more tired than the photos I had of and with him. I thought back to that photo with him and Sam. The amused smile that I couldn't imagine on the face in front of me now.

I glanced down, fully looking at him. It was much easier when he wasn't running. His arm. He had a fake arm. The photo in Wakanda. The one with the man I didn't recognize. It was him. Him without his arm on.

He looked at me for a few seconds. He looked at me like I was the Boogeyman. I went to stand and greet him, but he turned around to leave before I could.

"Bucky," I said, trying to get him to stop and talk to me. If he hesitated, I didn't see it.

John looked at me when I spoke. He frowned when he saw that I was frowning.

"I... I just wanted to talk to him," I mumbled. "He's in so many of my photos. I... He knows so much about me; he has to."

John pulled me into a hug, kissing the side of my head. "It's alright. He'll come around."

I wasn't sure if I believed him.

Dinner went calmly. John didn't push. I was too tired to ask any questions. He insisted I have one of the brownies that had been on the counter.

He walked me back to my room at the end of the night. He hugged me again and didn't push any farther.

I grinned as he walked back to his room. Something was very comforting about how he was handling all of this.

Unfortunately, John may have been the only comforting thing involved in the situation.

That night was the first of a string of nightmares. It wasn't clear or vivid or easy to make out. It was loud, violent. Images were blurred but I still felt sick at the idea of them. I heard screams and machinery and none of it made sense. I could almost feel the stinging and pain under my skin.

When I woke up, it was the middle of the night. It had felt like days in that dream. Instead, it was a matter of hours.

I must've yelled when I woke up. That was the only reason that I could think of for what I heard outside my door. There was the sound of fast footsteps, someone stopping and waiting, sighing, and then seemingly slouching against the door. I was almost certain I could hear them muttering to themselves, but I couldn't make out a word.

I should've opened the door. Or said something. I just couldn't. I didn't feel a need to. Some part of me knew who was out there and knew why he wouldn't say anything or knock.

I had my first appointment with Val's memory specialist the next morning.

I wasn't sure what I expected. "What do you do when a patient's memory is forcibly wiped?" isn't exactly a common google search.

I sat across from the man. He was trying to be casual. Trying too hard to be casual. He tried to have a comforting smile, but it just came out as forced.

"So, how was your first day in the tower," he asked.

"Fine," I replied, shrugging a bit. "I didn't do much. Stayed in my room most of the time."

"Oh?"

"John showed me a box of photos I had, so I went through a lot of those."

"Did it help with anything?"

"It doesn't feel like it," I muttered. "I have more names now than I did before. I know that John and I were close. I know that we somehow ended up together, but I don't remember how. I know I had a mentor named Tony, but I don't know the specifics. I know that I had a whole other team that I worked with before this one but all I know are their names."

"That's not bad for one day."

"It's still nothing substantial," I replied.

"What happened to you was a trauma," Dr. Schmidt explained. "Not just emotional or mental, but likely physical. Your brain is going to need to heal. Memories are going to come in a slow progression. Some will be harder to get back than before, especially those that your brain finds troubling. Your team will help you."

"I don't know them!" I ran my hands over my face. "How am I supposed to lean on people that I don't know?"

"Maintain boundaries. Make it clear that they need to let you lead things."

I nodded. I could do that.

"Avoiding them isn't going to do any good."

And what if they're already avoiding me? I wanted to ask. I didn't. I just nodded again.

"Anything else of note?"

"I... I had a nightmare last night," I said quietly. "I couldn't see it, but I could hear it and feel it. It... I don't think it was my memories though."

"Whose would they be?"

I shrugged. "I just... they felt like something I knew about. Not something I experienced."

"It's possible that your brain is trying to connect some wires," he replied. "If you know someone who went through something similar, then your brain may be attempting to connect your experience with what you heard about."

"Can the brain do that?"

"You'd be amazed what the brain can do."

The rest of the session was... boring. With such little recollection, there wasn't much for us to talk about. All he had to say was to take it slow and remember that this was a slow process. That there was no shame in not knowing.

I went to one of the tower's common areas afterwards. I had been quietly muttering insults about the whole situation on my way up.

Yelena was sitting on the couch. She turned to look at me.

"Hi," she greeted, waving at me.

"Hey," I mumbled. I almost walked away. Turned and left. But I paused, letting Dr. Schmidt's words ring in my mind. Avoiding them isn't going to do any good. "Can I... Can I join you?"

She looked a little shocked. "Yeah, sure. We could... watch something."

I nodded. "That sounds great."

I let Yelena pick the movie. Mostly because I didn't know what kind of movie I would like, but also because I thought it'd be a nice way to let us settle into a comfortable atmosphere.

As she was scrolling, I spoke up again, "Were we... Were we close?"

She looked at me. "I'd like to think so. I've known of you for longer than we've actually known each other."

"Really?"

"You worked with my sister," she explained. "She talked about you a lot. You helped her when we worked to take down the Red Room."

"The Red Room," I repeated. "Your sister was Natasha. She... She asked for some information on some chemical brainwashing agent. I didn't know much without testing it, but I did what I could."

"You remember that?"

"I worked with her when I was working with Tony," I continued. "She... She was always nice to me. Let me ramble about all my ideas. She talked about you a lot. We... We met in connection to the Avengers Initiative."

"Yes, the Avengers, that's who you worked with at the time.”

I nodded. "I have photos from that time. Most of it's just names. Natasha... Natasha I remember. Or at least who she was to me."

Yelena reached over and touched my hand. "This is good."

"Really good," I agreed, feeling tears in my eyes. "Thank you."

"I didn't do much," she scoffed before leaning back against the couch. "Wanna get to that movie now?"

I leaned back into the couch next to her. I grinned a little wider at the familiarity.

After that night, it felt easier to begin talking to the rest of the team much.

And learned just how little I knew about any of them. Bob, Alexei, and Ava were all new friends, if not just colleagues. Still, they tried.

Ava focused mostly on my work. She was the most scientific minded of the group by a mile. She didn't understand all of it, but she tried to get me reintroduced to my systems. It didn't go well. All of it was just numbers and buttons and nonsense.

I had a few moments where I would remember conversations. Times I had been showing my technology to people, times I spent watching the Avengers and others through the eyes of a drone I had designed. A conversation with Steve that meant a lot. Times when I helped pull off something particularly badass. Like merely clicking buttons unlocked things.

We spent weeks trying to get some kind of action to reignite some memory of my work. It was almost nothing. Nothing that was relevant to being acle to get back to my normal work.

Alexei may have been confused about the whole point of what I was doing. He seemed more fixated on telling stories of his own battles than helping me remember my own. I couldn't complain though. It was a nice way to take my mind off things.

Bob- poor, poor Bob- had no fucking idea how to help me. He would focus on comforting me. Something about how he didn't want me to feel alone. He knew what it was like being in a war with his own mind. He didn't realize that this had been enough to actually help me remember quite a bit of what happened when I'd first met him.

Yelena and John were the most involved with my healing.

Yelena would tell me stories she had heard about from Natasha. They would help at times. I knew more about Natasha than I did about most people from my past. I noticed she avoided talking about some of the later memories of her sister. I never pushed. I would learn about that on my own without harming her.

John was so focused on our history because that's what he knew about. I was grateful to have at least one chunk of my life that didn't still feel like a blank spot. I could remember our first kiss, our first date, our anniversary. I could remember him being named Captain America, him being stripped of the title, yelling at Sam and Bucky over how they handled it. I could remember Lamar and everything that happened to him. I could remember the Flag Smashers, but I couldn't remember what had led to them.

Me remembering how John and I ended up together was nice. Maybe the best thing that had happened since that day in the medbay. That didn't mean that it wasn't weird. You would think something like this would be almost romantic. Like rediscovering someone. But I still felt guilty for not remembering him sooner.

I asked for us to keep things quiet for a while. Private. I just wanted to settle back into some kind of normal before going around and bragging about it to the rest of the team.

He never seemed to mind. He still kissed me all the same, held me the same. He loved me like there had never been an obstacle between us.

Slowly, John stopped focusing on my memories more and more. He would tell me basic information but wouldn't look any further into our personal history. I noticed that it started after our first kiss post-memory wipe. Maybe he was just trying to enjoy what we had. Getting that back. I couldn't force him to fix everything, right?

I just needed to spend some more time working on this recovery independently.

The strangest memories to get back were the ones of Bucky. Not because he was weird or rude or anything like that. Instead, it would always just feel different than other moments. Something in my chest would feel different than before. Something pulling from the inside that I wasn't familiar with.

He was still avoiding me. Even after weeks. Even with normal meetings were Dr. Schmidt. It didn't seem to matter.

It was only upsetting because he wasn't just avoiding me. There were times when he was just... hovering. Like he was trying to get an update on what was happening without just asking. I had a second shadow, and it was bugging the hell out of me.

Still, I respected his need for distance. For a while.

It had been the end of a rough week.

My memory recovery had hit a plateau. Photos had stopped helping. Yelena's stories weren't helping. Ava's attempts at reteaching my software had been almost a complete failure. John was pulling back more and more. Meetings with the memory specialist were becoming monotonous and painful.

John had asked me to go to the gym with him. He had been told by Val to test my strength and habits. See if there were any signs of physical changes. Serum. She wanted to know if I had been injected with super soldier serum. I wasn't stupid. I was pissy that it had taken her weeks to raise this concern.

So, by the time I was done with whatever bullshit tests he had me do, I was in a terrible fucking mood.

"Good news," John said. "I don't see any signs of serum. No exaggerated strength, no strong senses of aggression. You seem physically normal."

"Except for the fact that I've lost literally everything that made me who I was," I replied.

"(Y/n)-"

"John," I cut him off, stepping back as he went to hold me. "It has been weeks since I got home. I still have countless blank spots. I can't use the equipment that I designed. The man that is supposed to be my best friend won't fucking talk to me. I'm sorry if I don't find this comforting."

He stepped forward but I just shook my head and stepped back. I adored him, I did. But right now, I needed something other than physical affection to get me through.

"I am so tired, John," I mumbled. "I just... I'm plateauing. And I'm scared that might kill me."

"We'll keep going-"

"No," I snapped. "Nope. No more blindly working at it. There's someone who can help me and he's going to fucking help me."

I stormed out of the room, paying no mind to how the door slammed behind me. The same thing happened when I made it to my room.

I grabbed the box of photos, flipping through them. I grabbed any that had Bucky or any tie to him at all. The photo of us and Sam. The skyline of Bucharest. The photo from Wakanda. Every single picture. Like I had something to prove.

I continued my walk of terror through the building, effectively spooking Bob when I rounded the corner a little too fast and not apologizing because I was too busy.

Bucky was lucky I only knocked on his door instead of trying to just run straight through it.

He looked shocked to see me on the other side of the door. I pushed my way in before he could close it. He didn't try to stop me. He could've. If he wanted to, he could've kept me from walking inside.

I dropped the pile of photos on the bed. "Look at them."

He didn't respond. He just walked over and started flicking through them. I saw a grin pull at the edges of his lips at a few of them. I felt that pull in my chest again when he did. The need that I couldn't figure out.

"You've been following me around, but you won't talk to me," I said. "And judging by the sheer number of photos I have, it seems like we were close."

He didn't respond.

"And it was you outside my door all those nights," I continued. "You'd stand outside and not knock. Which I probably should've found creepy. But I'm going to assume it's you caring about me."

He looked away from me.

"You knew I'd have nightmares, didn't you," I asked. "That memory specialist thinks my brain is trying to connect what happened to me and a similar situation that happened to someone else I knew. Something about trying to find answers."

I saw his jaw clench as he dropped the photos back down on the bed.

"It's all you. It took me a while to figure it out, but they're all you. Some time when I was working with Steve and Natasha, I learned about it. I read over everything they did to you.”

Now his eyes shut.

"I know it's the last thing you want to think about. I just... it feels like I remember more about you than I do myself."

I felt tears fill my eyes.

"I was going to yell at you," I explained. "Scream at you for avoiding me, but... I can't. I just... I don't want to live like this anymore. I just... I want my life back. I want my friend back. Please."

I frantically wiped away tears as they fell. I barely saw Bucky moving forward until he grabbed my arm. He pulled me forward into a hug. I shook as I hid my face in his shoulder. His hands touched my back like he was scared of breaking me. Or maybe he was just offering me an escape, not that I wanted one.

"Help me," I mumbled. "You're the only connection I have to life before a few years ago. Please-"

"I'm sorry," he muttered. "I shouldn't have left you like that. I'm sorry."

"Then help me now."

"I will. I promise."

He talked me through the photos that night. At least what he knew of them.

We sat next to each other on his bed, the photos in his hand as he told me stories.

Bucharest. I had gone after finding some information that he was hiding there. I'd lied to everyone about it. I had taken the photo as soon as I had gotten there. I was there for a week before they'd claimed that he'd bombed the U.N.

"Tony thought I had been held hostage," I mumbled.

Bucky hummed.

"He was so mad at me. Mad at me for hiding it and then mad at me for siding with you and Steve."

He nodded. "Makes sense. I think."

"The accords," I added. "I remember the Accords. And Sokovia. And Ultron. I wasn't there but... god, so many people died."

Bucky tensed again.

"I helped make him-"

"None of that was your fault," he stopped me. "None of it. You were following your mentor when he thought he was doing something good. You were just... You were just doing your job."

"Steve said the same thing. Back then."

There was a long pause. Like Steve was a sensitive topic. Then, he spoke up again, "There's more blood on my hands than there'll ever be on yours."

I paused as he flipped to the next picture. "I remember meeting you before that."

He lowered the photos in his hands. "When I tried to kill you."

"You failed, that's what matters," I shrugged.

He chuckled at me.

"I was with Steve, Sam, and Natasha. I shouldn't have been. I just insisted. She was scared. That's what I was focused on. I'd never seen her scared before."

"Well, I had shot her before."

I grinned at the vision of Natasha. "It's funny. Those might be the biggest memories I've gotten back so far. Well, biggest in terms of chaos and emotional trauma. Everything else I have of that old team has been so... surface level."

One of his hands touched my knee. An awkward attempt at comfort.

He looked at the next photo.

"Wakanda," he muttered. He flipped it over and read what I had written. "You always made fun of the White Wolf name."

"It was a little funny." I replied. "I figured out that was you on my first day back."

"Impressive."

"They gave you the arm. Well, this new arm." I poked the arm with my finger. "How long did I stay there?"

"A few days, I think," he explained.

"I made Shuri promise to call me when I could come see you."

"Really?"

I nodded. "I didn't know if you'd actually care if I was there, but you cried when you saw me."

"I was kinda hoping you wouldn't remember that part."

"Cried like a baby."

"Stop it."

"Sobbed, actually-"

"Shut. up."

I laughed as I saw his face just starting to turn red. I leaned my head on his shoulder. It felt normal. Right.

He flipped to the next photo. And there we were. Lying just like we had been in that moment.

"Oh, that was a little spooky," I mumbled, picking my head up.

"Sam took this," he muttered. "He thought it was funny."

"Was this before you started ignoring him," I asked.

"Before he gave up the shield? Yeah."

"That's my apartment."

"It is."

I sighed. "I was really hoping I had more photos from before you cut your hair. Before... this stuff. I heard about most of this from John."

"We didn't have a lot of time for pictures then."

"I know," I mumbled. "I just... I want more. I can only look up the team so much before it's all just pointless."

"I... I could take you around the city," he suggested. "See the actual places where your life happened. If you'd like."

I nodded. "Really?"

"If you'd like." he repeated.

"I'd really like that. Thank you."

He grinned a bit as I rested against his shoulder again.

"Next photo, come on." I nudged him.

I fell asleep there that night. Resting on Bucky's shoulder like I had done it a thousand times before. Maybe I had.

I didn't have a nightmare that night. That almost scared me than the actual nightmare. I just decided that it was because of finally reconnecting with him again. Like my brain finally relaxed in a way that it hadn't been able to in the last few weeks.

I woke up before he did. Which felt uncommon. His arm had wrapped around me during the night. His head had leaned against mine.

Oh god, it felt normal. Too normal. That pulling at my chest felt stronger than ever. Like this was something that I had wanted for so long. I was getting a vision into a life that I'd never had or just never would have.

I snuck out of his room, grabbing my photos on the way out. I made it out without waking him up only to find myself face to face with Yelena.

"Hi," I mumbled awkwardly, glancing around.

"Hello," she replied, a knowing smirk pulling at her lips. "Why are you in Barnes's room?"

"Um, we... I confronted him yesterday about avoiding me," I explained. "And then, we spent the night going through some photos. It was... It was nothing weird, I swear."

She laughed at my nervousness before touching my shoulder. "I am just joking. Glad to see you two getting along."

She continued on her path to wherever as I took a deep breath. The stress immediately rolled off as I let out a huff of a laugh.

I made it to my room a few minutes later. I put my photos away, took a shower, and got ready for the day.

This was going to be the first time I would leave the tower for more than a simple shopping trip. I wanted to feel nice. No matter what happened today, I wanted to know that I made some kind of effort.

I heard a knock at my door.

It was John. I tried to shake that I was a little disappointed about that.

"Hey," I mumbled.

"Hi," he replied. "You're up early."

"Um, yeah," I nodded. "Listen, about yesterday, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. It wasn't fair to you. You were just trying to help."

"It's okay," he grinned at me. "You were upset. This is a situation that I don't know. I just... I hope you know that I'm trying to help."

"I do, I promise," I grabbed his hands. "And I'm grateful for that, I am."

He leaned over and kissed my forehead.

I watched him as he closed the door behind him. He walked over and sat on the edge of my bed. I sat next to him, leaning on his shoulder. It was more awkward than before.

"Now... how did your talk with Bucky go," he asked, sounding like he was trying to lighten the mood.

"Good," I mumbled. "He... He offered to take me to a few museums and things. Says they might help get some of those bigger memories back."

He paused.

"What?" I picked my head up.

"Nothing," he muttered. "I just... I'm worried about you. I'm worried about you going too fast and hurting yourself."

"They're my memories, John, I have a right to them."

"I know, but you don't deserve to drive yourself to a breakdown for them."

"That's why I'm not doing everything at once. We're just going around the city today."

He looked down. I saw something on his face twitch.

I sighed. "John, you need to trust me, okay? I... I remembered Ultron last night and I'm still standing. I can handle anything else that's there."

"What made you remember Ultron?"

"Bucky and I went over some of my photos last night. There was one from when I tracked him down in Bucharest and our conversation just ended up there."

He paused again. "You never told me that you followed him to Bucharest."

"We weren't on good terms when you and I got together." I shrugged. "I didn't really talk about him at all for a while."

He slowly nodded. "Want me to go with you?"

It was my turn to pause before speaking again, "No. I think it'd be good for Bucky and me to go on our own. See if it inspires anything different."

"As long as you're sure." he kissed my head again.

I smiled, taking his hand in mine. "I am."

Bucky stopped by a little while later. He and John didn't say much to each other as I grabbed my jacket and followed him out. I rolled my eyes at both of them. Surely, four years was long enough for them to just back off each other for a minute.

"So...," I started as we made it to the elevator. "Where to first?"

"Downstairs," Bucky replied, hitting a button.

"What?" I chuckled. "What happened to showing me the city?"

"I will. I just want you to see this first."

The doors opened on a workshop. A nice workshop. I smiled at the tech, even if I couldn't remember what most of it was. I walked to one of the tables, looking at the papers with different sketches and measurements and calculations.

"This was your workshop," Bucky explained. "Val had it built after you threatened to leave, and everyone threatened to go with you."

"I steal that move from Stark?"

"Probably," he nodded.

"I remember this place. Not all the specifics. But... I remember keeping it locked down."

Bucky paused. "Is that right?"

"Val has always been pushy. I remember telling her that I would come to her with plans. She was always interested in having a way to help herself."

"I'll talk to her."

"Please don't do something stupid," I pleaded.

"I won't."

"You will," I muttered.

I continued looking over the plans that had been sketched over. Designs for weapons for the team, medical equipment, John's suit.

"I tried to help Bob," I noted. "I... I tried to make something so he could actually use his powers. I didn't have a prototype yet, but I'd promised him that I'd get it done."

Bucky walked over and looked over my shoulder. "Makes sense. That's the kind of person you are."

"Someone with a savior complex."

"Someone kind," he corrected me. "You're a good person, (Y/n). Better than most of us."

I walked over to the only actual desk. It was spotless, as if I'd never used it before. There were a couple of photos. Another copy of that photo of Sam and Bucky. Another was a photo of Tony, Bruce, and me. You could tell that Tony and I had forced Bruce into the photo. It made me chuckle.

"You alright?"

I jumped when Bucky spoke up. His hand touched my back. I must've looked confused when he looked at me.

"You're crying," he explained.

I reached up and wiped my face. I was crying. "Not sure why that's happening. Just... I can't remember when I last saw either of them."

"Do you wanna go?"

I nodded.

Our next stop was actually outside of the tower. We were standing outside a building that I had definitely been in before.

"S.H.I.E.L.D?" I guessed.

"The New York office," Bucky confirmed, staring up at the building with me.

"I've been here," I muttered. "Tony... Tony stood up for me. Insisted that I work with him if he was ever going to consider joining the Avengers."

"It's good to hear that you're remembering so much about Tony," he replied.

I paused for a moment. "I remember the D.C. office better."

He looked over at me.

"The Triskelion," I added with a proud grin. He nodded. "Steve fought a shit ton of guys in an elevator. It was awesome."

He chuckled.

"And then you two fell from a helicarrier. That was less awesome."

"Then, I went on the run."

"And I ended up in Bucharest."

"Quite the story we've got," he muttered.

"One for the ages."

There was a long pause.

"When did Steve leave," I asked. "I remember saying goodbye to him. I remember him giving Sam the shield. I just... the timing is all a bit of a blur."

"It was a few years ago now," he explained. He hesitated for a moment before adding, "After everyone got brought back from the Blip."

"The Blip?"

"You don't remember that yet, huh?"

I shook my head. "Sorry."

"Not your fault."

There was a pause before I was able to speak up again, "Was he happy? Steve? In the end?"

"I hope so," Bucky nodded.

I reached over and grabbed his hand. "I hope you end up happy, Bucky."

He grinned at me. Just a bit. I smiled back. "I found you."

"What?"

"When you got taken a few weeks ago," he explained. "I was the one who found you. You just looked... blank. Like I did... back then. I just got so scared. I couldn't handle it. That's why I avoided you for so long. And I'm sorry."

I moved over and hugged him. His face moved to hide in my shoulder.

"I should've been there," he muttered. I could hear him fighting not to cry. "Before. I should've been there to stop them."

I froze up a bit. It was the first time anyone had really discussed the day I was taken. Everyone had just told me that it would come back to me at some point. I'd think of it on my own.

"I'm sorry-"

"It's not your fault," I cut him off. "You... You were all on a mission. I was in the tower alone. You couldn't have saved me. It's not your fault, Bucky."

He moved back quite abruptly, staring at me like I'd grown another head.

I quietly chuckled. "This is the first time I'm remembering anything about that night. No one's talked to me about it. I mean, Bob mentioned how pissed you'd been, but that's it."

He looked away at the mention of his reaction to me being taken before abruptly changing the subject, "Come on. We've got at least one more stop today."

I nodded and followed him down the sidewalk. "Where are we going?"

"The start of it all." he grinned at me.

"How ominous," I mumbled. He nudged me, causing me to stumble a bit to the side. "Don't knock me over, ya old fart!"

The nickname came out easily. Like I had said it a thousand times. Because I had. I didn't know it until after it came out of my mouth, but I had. The first time in Bucharest after he'd snuck up on me, the second time before he went under ice in Wakanda, the next when I reunited with him briefly after his deprogramming, and... when he came back from the Blip. I still couldn't figure out what that was.

I barely noticed Bucky's chuckling as I was stuck in my thoughts.

"You alright," he asked when I didn't laugh with him.

"I'm fine," I mumbled. "Just processing, I think."

"We can go home if it's too much."

"No, no, I wanna see the last stop."

We stopped near Grand Central Terminal. There was a plaque. Small, simple. Dark background with golden letters. Battle of New York Memorial. The place the Avengers first assembled.

Bucky stayed back as I stepped closer to it.

My name wasn't even on it. It was only the main team. I ran my fingers along them. Like it would help open up some kind of door to what I had lost.

Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, Thor Odinson, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff, Clint Barton. Somehow, that was enough.

I don't know if it was the names all being together now or just the memorial's existence or Bucky being there or maybe just my brain deciding it was ready to remember. All I knew was that I was hit by this onslaught of pain and grief and tears.

What others got over the course of five years, I got in a matter of minutes, maybe. The reality of the world around me was suddenly on my shoulders, crushing me as I experienced it all at once. Too many emotions to count.

Bucky was there the second my shoulders shook. He mumbled against the side of my head as he wrapped his arms around me. I sobbed openly, not giving any mind to the crowds walking by me.

"They're dead," I cried into his shoulder. "Tony and Nat are dead. Steve's gone."

"I know, I know-"

"The Blip-"

He shushed me.

"So many people-"

"You guys got them back. You got me back, remember. Me and Sam, yeah?"

He pulled me back, opting to hold my face in his hands.

"Look at me," he pleaded like I'd have a choice. "Those people are safe."

"Tony died hating me," I mumbled.

"No, he didn't."

"He had to," I shook my head. "I ran off to see you. I sided with Steve. I barely... I made everything harder for him. I dragged him back into everything-"

"Stop it," Bucky snapped me. "Tony did not hate you. I promise. I will get a hold of his wife just so she can tell you herself, but I know that he didn't."

I let him pull me into another hug.

"I'm sorry," he muttered. "I didn't mean for you to get hit with all of this at once. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

I didn't respond. Not because I blamed him, but because I didn't have the strength to. My voice completely stopped working while I stood in that man's arms and cried against his shoulder.

"Do you wanna go home?"

I shook my head.

"Is there somewhere you want to go?"

I shrugged.

"I have an idea," Bucky mumbled. "Do you trust me?"

I nodded before stepping away from him. I held onto his hand. He was okay with that.

I paused when I saw the tower come back into view. He stopped when I did. He stepped closer to me, whispering that he was going to take me to my workshop instead of my room or any of the common areas. Somewhere quiet and private that no one else went into because it was my space.

I let him keep leading me.

I kept a hold of his hand through the elevator ride, still not speaking.

Bucky led me to sit at my desk before letting go of my hand. I went to reach for him again, but he stopped me.

"I'm just going upstairs to get you something to drink, okay?" he said. "I'll be right back."

And he was. A few minutes later, he walked back in with a mug in hand.

"Bob insisted on hot chocolate," he muttered as he set it in front of me. "Don't ask me why."

I smiled at it. "He... He's been doing that every time I get frustrated with my memory loss. He kept saying he felt bad for not being able to help more."

"That's nice of him," Bucky noted as he grabbed another chair to sit next to me.

"Everyone has been so nice," I replied before taking a sip of my drink. "Yelena has been helping as much as she can. Ava's trying to help with my computer systems, but that isn't going well."

"Did you try the learning program," he asked.

"The what?" my eyes snapped over to him. "There's a learning program?"

"You made it in case someone else had to take over for you someday."

My mouth fell open as I stared at him in shock.

"I'll show it to you later."

That didn't help with my shocked expression. I felt like an idiot. I should've known about that. Or stumbled onto it. Or just left a note about it somewhere.

Bucky reached over and nudged my chin, gently closing my mouth again. He leaned back again as he chuckled.

He hesitated as his face turned more serious, "What about... What about John? He been... helpful?"

"Yeah, yeah," I nodded. "He's helped me with a lot of stuff about... us. Our relationship, everything with the Flag Smashers. That kind of stuff."

"Good," he replied. He grinned but it looked forced. "How much do you remember?"

"Now, I think everything. We're in a good place."

"So, the talk about the break-up wasn't too painful?"

I scoffed. "The what?"

Bucky's grin dropped. "The break-up?"

My smile dropped too. "What break up?"

"I... You didn't share a lot of detail about it. Just said you guys weren't meant to be," he explained quickly. "I assumed that by now he would've brought it up."

"Yeah, well, he didn't." I ran a hand over my face.

I wanted to justify it. To say that maybe he had been waiting for me to remember it on my own. That just did sit right with me. The way he had pulled back from talking about my memories, the constant focus on happy parts of our relationship, all of it made it all feel far more planned than that.

"He kissed me," I mumbled. "I let him kiss me. I shared a bed with him and held his hand and he didn't even bother to fucking mention it."

I saw Bucky's jaw clenched. It would be a cold day in Hell before Bucky defended John on everything. I wasn't surprised by that. I was more surprised that he didn't immediately go into defense mode. I was almost waiting to need to stop him from doing something stupid.

And then I felt it again. That pulling feeling. That longing. I had remembered so much of Bucky know but I couldn't remember when this feeling started. It felt as natural to me as breathing. As long as I was alive, I was going to want Bucky Barnes. There was something nice about being able to acknowledge what the feeling was now.

But it didn't change that I was angry. Boiling.

I put my mug down. "You can have that."

"I didn't know," Bucky said as I walked toward the elevator. "I wouldn't have asked if I thought you weren't aware of what happened. I'm sorry I wasn't around to stop... this from happening."

I walked back over, leaning down to press a kiss to his cheek. "All is forgiven, Bucky."

Watching the elevator doors close and the number start counting up gave me time to think. Time to reflect. To put the pieces together in a new way. I could remember yelling. A lot of yelling. Being called sensitive and clingy and needy. Of promising that I was just helping.

Then, there was silence. Pleading for forgiveness. Feelings of shame and exhaustion. All so unspecific but all so familiar.

I made it to John's door in record time, almost banging it down.

He was grumbling when he opened it but lit up a bit when he saw me. "Hey. How was your trip?"

I pushed past him. "Good, good. Got a lot of my memories back. The Blip, the death of my mentor, the night I was taken hostage, my workshop that you never bothered to show me... oh, and us breaking up."

His face dropped. "What?"

"We broke up, John," I repeated. "I don't... I don't have all the specifics, but I know it happened."

"Barnes tell you about that?"

"Does it matter," I asked. "You hid that from me, John. Actively. That's why you started pulling back when we were talking about my memories. You just wanted to keep me from remembering this."

"I wanted you to be happy!" he replied. "You deserve to have a life where you can be happy and free!"

"They're my memories, John," I snapped. "The grief and anger and sadness and fear... they're mine to have. We just talked about this."

He closed his eyes before going to sit on the edge of his bed.

I crossed my arms over my chest, glaring at him. "How long ago was it?"

"What?"

"How long ago did we break up?"

He sighed. "Before moving into the tower. Maybe a year before."

"Oh my god," I mumbled. "What happened? I can remember fighting but not what we fought about."

"I was insecure," he admitted. "And stupid. And an asshole. I treated you like crap."

"Insecure about what?"

"What do you think?"

I didn't respond.

"You love Bucky," he continued. "I know that. I knew that. I thought that it would change when we got together and maybe it did, but I didn't see it that way. And with all the shit in the news about me being some huge fuck-up, I couldn't handle the idea that I was just someone you chose because you couldn't have him. At the end... I was mean to you and that wasn't fair."

I was still angry, but there was some guilt there now. Because he was right. I had been in love with Bucky for a long time. Long enough that I could barely imagine a time when he was something other than the man I loved. But I had given up on that before getting with John. Or I had tried to.

"I thought... I thought I could fix things if I could just get enough time," he muttered. "Then, Val said some crap about giving you a happier life while you were in the medbay and I got this stupid idea."

I walked a little closer to him. I could see the tears in his eyes now.

"I know now that no matter what I do... I can't fix this. Even if I was an angel to you, you wouldn't be happy. Not fully. And I don't know how long I could put you through that."

I felt tears in my own eyes.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm so, so sorry. For everything."

I sat next to him, finally finding my voice again. "Then, why stay? Why pursue it in the first place?"

"Because having you love me for a little while was better than never being loved by you at all."

I took a deep breath. "I did love you. I wouldn't... I wouldn't lead you on like that. You deserve to know that what we had was real and wasn't just something to help me get over someone."

"I know that... somewhere, I'm sure of it. But I was too late."

"Maybe you were."

There was a pause. "If something happens... between you and Bucky, then you should know that I'll be okay."

I furrowed my eyebrows.

"You don't need my approval to date anyone. I just want you to know that I'm not going to have a meltdown or something."

"Thanks, John," I let an amused grin grow on my face for a few seconds.

I stood up after that. I only stopped my walk toward the door when John spoke up again, "I'm sorry. Again. For everything. I'm sorry."

I nodded at him once before leaving the room.

I was still upset with him. Furious. After everything that happened, it was fair to be. We had been separated for over a year at that point, and he just decided we were going to try again. It was selfish and stupid.

But he knew that already.

And I still had that small pang of guilt. I had spent weeks dealing with how I felt about Bucky only to learn that I couldn't figure it out for years. I had no chance.

I sat on my bed. My room was quiet. Photos all tucked away in the closet again. No one there whispering stories of my past in my ear. No comfort. No hot chocolate. Just me and the full weight of the reality I had forgotten about for far too long.

I took out my phone and stared at my contacts. I had stared at it before. Weeks ago. Hoping the names would help me figure out who some important people were in my life. It was strange to see it now with what I knew. I didn't know if that strange was good or bad.

There was a knock on my door before I could think to call anyone. I just threw my phone on the bed behind me.

Bucky was on the other side. He looked awkward. Nervous. I couldn't figure out why. Instead, I just stepped to the side and let him in.

I almost didn't close the door behind him. I was worried about making him feel trapped or forced into whatever conversation was about to happen. I watched him sit on the edge of my bed. He was comfortable here. At least, to some extent. I decided to close the door.

"I spoke to John," I said as I sat next to Bucky.

"What'd he say?" his voice was quiet. Soothing. I wondered if he knew that.

"He wanted to fix things," I replied. "He was hoping that by the time I'd remembered our break-up that we'd be on good enough terms to move forward."

Bucky scoffed. "Selfish asshole."

I hummed. "Well, I may have been a little selfish too."

There was a pause.

"He... He said that he always thought I'd choose you over him," I continued. "That I loved you more than I could have loved him. That he had been worried I was using him as a rebound-"

"You wouldn't do that," Bucky cut me off. "Never. You're too kind."

"That's what I said, but..."

"There's no but-"

"There might be," I shrugged. "I could've unconsciously dragged that man into emotional turmoil that wasn't his to deal with. And even with all the wrong he did, that doesn't make me good."

"You are good. Better than good."

There was a moment before I questioned why he didn't say anything about me basically confirming that John was right.

It could've been that he just missed it, but Bucky wasn't the type to just miss things like that. He had always had an alarming talent for recognizing when I was hiding something or meant more than I was saying. It was a talent. A gift.

"I've told you that before," I mumbled. "Haven't I?"

He hesitated just long enough to know that I was right.

"The night before that last mission," I continued. It had been in his room instead of mine. "Why did I do that? Why did I take so long?"

Another silence formed between us. He was staring at the wall on the other side of the room.

I truly could not remember a reason for telling him when I did. It wasn't the mission itself; there was nothing special about it. Not on the surface. There had to have been some inciting incident, but it was nothing but a blank space to me.

"You tried to kiss me that night," Bucky said after a while. "I had been questioning you about the break-up since we'd reconnected. Not a lot but over time. You told me what John thought about... us. I asked if it was true. You said yes. You tried to kiss me, but I pulled away."

"Why?"

"Because I'm an idiot," he replied. "Because I didn't want to believe you. Or maybe I did but was too scared to let anything happen. Take your pick."

I took a deep breath, almost embarrassed at how shaky it was as I exhaled. "So, it wasn't because you didn't feel the same?"

He shook his head, still not looking at me.

The entire room shifted. As if the planet itself had moved its axis. The bed sheets felt different under my hand. The weight of us both on the mattress changed. The very air we were breathing was different.

It was too late to go back now, but neither one of us knew how to keep going.

I knew that I had to try. It took me a moment, but I finally spoke up, "When I first started remembering you, I would get this... this pulling in my chest. Like a fishhook right in the center was being pulled on or something."

Bucky didn't speak but he finally looked at me. His eyes alone could've shocked me into silence on any other day.

"I obviously figured out what it was," I continued. "After a while. And then, I felt so guilty because the only memories that felt like they were actually mine were the memories of me wanting you."

I heard him take a sharp breath in.

I reached over and intertwined my fingers with his. He didn't stop me. He simply moved to look at our hands for a few moments. Like he was admiring how they looked. I just thought about how perfect it felt. How right it was.

"I don't deserve this," Bucky whispered.

"I think you do," I replied. "You deserve everything good. Everything."

He tilted his head back up to look at me. There were tears in his eyes. There were some in mine too. Our faces were close. Noses almost touching. I felt my entire body getting warmer the longer he looked at me.

"You can walk away," I said. I could feel out breath mixing in the middle. So close but so far. So much room for him to run away from this. "Walk out the door and we'll let this lie. I'll get over it."

Another sharp breath from him. It was shakier this time.

"But I want to know that it's because you don't want this." I let my eyes fall on our hands again before finding his eyes again. "Not because you think you don't deserve it. Or because you think you're too broken. Because I have wanted you for so long, Bucky. Every version of you that I've known. No matter what you think is broken or cracked or unrepairable."

My free hand found his chest, bunching up the material of his shirt slightly as I felt his heart racing under my palm.

"God, I love you so much that it could drive me mad." I let out a pathetic sounding chuckle at myself. "I'm just asking for you to let me-"

Bucky's lips found mine before the sentence was over. I felt his free hand on the back of my head, holding me in place as he kissed me. Like he was proving something. Like he was trying to prove that he could love me. Whether he was proving it to me or himself, no one would ever know.

I kissed him back slowly. I needed to cherish this. Cherish this exact moment. Not just because I had been craving it for so long but because I knew how quickly it could be ripped away from me.

The hand I'd left on his heart moved to cup the side of his face. I felt where tears had started falling. I wiped them away as carefully as I could. Just something silent to say that this was okay. That he deserved this. That he didn't need to earn it or me or anything good in his life.

Pulling back felt like a mistake. Even as our foreheads touched. Even as I dragged my thumb along his knuckles. Everything was just telling me to kiss him again and never pull away.

"I love you too," he mumbled after a while.

I smiled widely at him, kissing his cheek. I felt his cheek move as he smiled.

It felt like that fishhook that had been sitting in my chest had finally been taken out. Instead, there was just warmth. Joy. Something so perfect and comforting that it made me addicted in a matter of seconds. Longing turning into love and acceptance.

And I would have sacrificed everything else if I could just hold onto that feeling for a little bit longer.

-----------------------

Author's Note: After writing this, I have so many other things in this story that I could totally explore on their own, if people wanted that. Phone calls with other remaining Avengers, going back and looking at John and Reader's relationship, visiting Pepper??? Maybe?? Anyway, let me know what you think. This one has sat in the drafts for ages because I am a wimp.

Also, I'll probably write an actual John Walker story after this. Partly because I felt guilty after writing this but also because this fandom made me think I was gonna hate this man's guts in FATWS and I just... didn't. [hard to hate anyone else when fucking Zemo's on screen. fuck you, Zemo (but also shout out to Daniel Brühl for playing Zemo so well.)]

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Tag Lists:

Overall - @geeksareunique @daisydark

-----------------------

Some Important Causes:

GLAAD - LGBTQIA+ Organization

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

CHIRLA - Coalition for Humane Immigrant Rights

Palestinian Red Crescent Society

[bi-bard]

So, I haven’t been fortunate enough to see the 2025 Superman, but my favorite clip so far is that one of Clark flying through the window and just flinging Lex across the room

Mostly because if Lex hadn’t started running, I’m pretty sure Clark wouldn’t have hit him. And then Lex acts like he didn’t do that shit to himself.

[bi-bard]

Most recent story had me so stressed that I stopped to make cinnamon rolls from scratch

I MADE CINNAMON ROLLS!!

Cannot tell you how stressed I was doing this shit 💀

[bi-bard]

I'm Freaking Out Thinkin' 'bout How Bad I Need You - Natasha Romanoff Imagine [Marvel | Black Widow]

Title: I'm Freaking Out Thinkin' 'bout How Bad I Need You

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff X Reader

Word Count: 3,267 words

Warning(s): a lot of flirting, quite a bit of kissing, a little bit of insecurity... and the presence of a drunk character (that one kinda ruined my perfect triplet)

Summary: Natasha takes a lot of joy in teasing a computer genius that she works with frequently. When the normally easily flustered hacker has a random spell of confidence, things between them change completely. And it's only a surprise to one of them.

Author's Note: There's not a particular song that inspired this, but I was listening to the new Renee Rapp album on repeat when I got the idea, hence the title.

Also, don't ask me when this takes place. I have no idea.

Navigation Guide | Prompt List - Romantic Tropes | Original Characters Masterlist | Album Writing Challenges

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It was almost suspicious how often I ended up working with Natasha Romanoff on missions.

It seemed to be that whenever I ended up putting in my earpiece, she was on the other end of it.

Not that I was complaining. Natasha was good company. Funny and charming and smarter than hell. It was hard to not be a little bit excited when she greeted me before a mission.

I used to think that there was no way Natasha would think of me outside of a mission. I was good at my job, yeah, but I never saw myself as memorable.

That changed when we had a mission that was particularly close to home. Close enough that by the time I finished my mission report, the team was already home.

I heard her shout my name while I was leaving my office. I jumped at the noise, looking at her with wide eyes. She was jogging over to me.

"Sorry, sorry," she chuckled at my expression. "I was just going to invite you to a drink with the team. Just a way to unwind after the chaos."

I froze for a moment. "You... You know who I am?"

"Yes," she laughed at my confusion. Not in a mean way. More like shock. "We've worked on enough missions together for it to actually be weird if I didn't."

"Well, I'm just... I'm never in the field."

She shrugged. "I do my research."

I felt my face warm up at the idea of that. The idea that I made her curious enough to look into me. I must've done something right. Or very, very wrong. I've learned that you could end up on her radar for both.

"So, you joining us for that drink?"

"Um, yeah, yeah, sure," I nodded. I don't know why. I had had maybe three drinks in my life. She was just very convincing.

She motioned behind her, encouraging me to walk along with her.

That was the first night that we talked about something other than our work. I was far more uncomfortable than I wanted to be. I couldn't help it. I wasn't used to being around actual superheroes.

Natasha seemed to know immediately how to make me comfortable. She asked more about my work and area of expertise than anything. It still wasn't work related. It was about how I got into that field, if I learned from my folks, did I have a favorite fact that most people didn't know, did I think movies portrayed hacking well. All of a sudden, my mouth wouldn't stop moving. I spilled every fact about myself that she asked for. All while she nursed her drink and smiled at me.

I started joining the team for drinks more often. Not all the time. Just when I crossed paths with Natasha. Which was a lot. I would later learn that it was because she was very intentionally walking by my office when the team agreed to drinks.

There was one night when I had a little more than my normal amount of alcohol. It didn't take much. The glory of a lightweight.

Natasha and I were basically tucked away in a corner. The extra booze in my veins made me feel distracted. I was spending more time admiring Natasha than speaking to her or listening to her. She seemed unaffected by the alcohol she'd had. I admired that too.

"You're so strong," I muttered after a while. I think I cut off her story, but I didn't realize it. "Like scary but a good scary."

"Oh, your IQ gets chopped in half when you're drunk," she laughed at me.

"It's true," I insisted. "Makes me jealous that those dudes get to see you so much more than I do."

"What dudes?"

"The bad ones," I explained. "The- The ones that S.H.I.E.L.D. makes you flirt with sometimes."

She didn't respond. Like she was watching me dig my own grave and was having the time of her life doing it.

"That's something I hate," I said, changing subject as a new thought crossed my mind.

"What," she leaned on her elbow as she rested her chin on her fist.

"Why do you have to be the one flirting with people to get information?" I gestured vaguely to the few remaining team members in a different area of the room. "Why not make Steve do it? Or Tony? He's the notorious playboy!"

Natasha laughed quietly. "Well, Tony's not very subtle. Steve is... a little old-fashioned for that kind of work."

"I think it's bullshit," I muttered, looking a little bit like a toddler when I spoke. "You're too cool to have to deal with handsy idiots all the time."

"It's not that often-"

"It's still too often."

"Thanks, darling," she replied. She slowly took the glass from my hand. "How about we find a place for you to sleep off that alcohol for the night?"

I nodded. "Okay."

I let her take my hand and pulled me toward the elevator. I leaned into her side a bit. Partly because she was steadying my brain, but also because she was warm and I liked how it felt to be so close to her.

Natasha found me a guest room for the night. A guest room that may have been fancier than my own apartment. That was something for another time.

"What are you thinking about," she asked after a while. I had been silent through the whole elevator ride and room search.

"You," I admittedly, significantly sleepier than I was before.

She pulled back the blankets to let me plop onto the mattress. "Is that right?"

"I'm always thinking about you."

She paused as she helped me pull my shoes off and started pulling the blankets up to cover me.

"It's really distracting sometimes, but I can't help it."

She gave me another smile. A new one. Not the amused grin or her teasing smirk like I usually got. This one was soft and genuine. It made me feel like my breathing stopped. It cut through the buzz from my earlier drinks.

She finished making sure I was comfortable before walking around the room.

I heard her steps as she moved to close the curtains. She came back over to switch off the light on the bedside table.

"Are you leaving," I asked pathetically.

"For the night," she replied, like it would comfort me.

I frowned. "Whyyy?"

She paused for a moment like she was contemplating her response. "Because the first time I share a bed with you, we're both going to be sober."

I almost whined. I just wanted her to be there. I wanted her to hold me.

"I'll see you in the morning," she promised. "Make you some breakfast... and a hangover cure."

I chuckled at the idea.

"Sound good?"

I nodded.

"Good," she touched the side of my face briefly. "Get some sleep."

"Goodnight," I mumbled,

"Goodnight."

I think I was asleep before she left because I didn't have any memory of her actually leaving.

I never talked about that night with her ever again. Not because I didn't remember it, but because I was scared that once we talked about it, things would change. I was too scared to lose her to own up to my own confession.

I thought about it a lot. Telling her how much I admired her, whining when she tried to leave me on my own, our ride in the elevator. All of it played in my head on repeat. I thought about how differently the night could've gone if I had just leaned forward and finally kissed her at any point. I wondered about her reaction. If she would let me get that far, if she'd be disgusted, if maybe she'd chuckle and tell me off because I was drunk.

And then, there was her comment about us sharing a bed. About us both being sober. I wanted to just shrug it off as her liking to see me flustered. However, I had been too drunk for it to register in that way at all. Still, I didn't want to think of it as anything more because that was just too scary.

Seeing her flirt on missions somehow felt worse than ever before. My jealousy was getting worse, even though I had no right to be. I knew that. But then I'd think about her comment before leaving me to sleep or how we spent the whole night hidden away from everyone else or every other interaction over the comms leading up to this point. I had every chance to do something.

My logic would short-circuit for a bit after that.

But most days, I would be able to shake the thoughts out of my head and focus again.

Until one day. Nothing special had happened that day. Nothing had been particularly different. But something in me had shifted. Like two wires that hadn't been connected were suddenly sending a signal between them.

All I could truly remember was the need to get information and the person in the way being some old man. I cringed at his picture. He looked like his hands never knew how to stay to his sides and his breath always stank of shitty cigars and whatever booze he thought would get him drunk.

He boiled my blood before I ever heard him speak.

I watched over the building’s cameras as he muttered and tried to touch Natasha. She managed to sidestep him and get him to tell her where she needed to go without him even thinking about it for a second longer.

"That was disgusting," I commented after Natasha had left the room he was in.

"Don't make me laugh on a mission," she scolded me, but her voice was clearly amused.

"I just don't get why you had to flirt with the guy when I could've hacked into his system," I muttered. I shouldn't be this grumpy about this.

"Because we didn't want a trail leading back to us," she reminded me. "And it was hardly flirting. Old man's heart is so weak that I barely had to smile to get it to flutter."

I rolled my eyes and grumbled, "I wouldn't have left a trail."

"Aw, are you jealous," Natasha asked teasingly.

She always asked that. Ever since that night when I drunkenly confessed my deep hatred for this part of her work.

Usually, I would get flustered before avoiding the topic entirely. I knew she found it funny that I did. I hated it. I was a grown adult- a grown adult working for S.H.I.E.L.D, for fuck’s sake- and one question was enough to turn me into a nervous mess.

I don't know what changed that day, but something must have happened because I ended up having a very different answer to her question: "Yes."

I almost slapped a hand over my mouth because holy shit, that was not supposed to come out of my mouth.

My response was firm and confident. I think it stunned me more than her. I sat there with my mouth open and eyes wide, hands moving on autopilot more than anything else.

I heard the softest of chuckles through the comms.

"I mean-"

"Don't backtrack now," she cut me off. "Can't hide from that one by saying you were drunk."

I was too busy begging the ground to swallow me whole to respond to that one.

"We'll talk about it later," she added. "Focus on the mission."

"Okay," I mumbled, accepting my fate. "Door should be open. Go forward, take a left and then go straight. I see four life signals but stay vigilant. Once you start kicking ass, I doubt it'll be long before more show up."

"I'm hoping for it," she replied. I rolled my eyes. "Need to impress you somehow."

It felt like the air was knocked out of my lungs. "I- I'll work on the next door."

"Thank you!" her response was sweet, like she thought nothing of my little confession.

I just nodded awkwardly, even though she couldn't see me. If I wasn't on comms, I would've just screamed into a pillow. But for now, I had to suffer the full weight of my embarrassment in silence.

I liked Natasha. A lot.

I had always known that there was a chance she'd figure it out without me telling her. I knew it'd be a matter of whether she got that information from her own skills at reading people or just because I am terrible at hiding it.

This was never how I wanted for it to come out. I wanted to either die with the secret or plan something a bit more romantic than an accidental confession in the middle of a recon mission.

I felt stupid trying to avoid Natasha when she got back. I was hoping that since the job was over, I could sneak out before she found me. I had no training in how to be stealthy in any way that mattered.

I don't know if I had gotten lucky or if she had simply let me go, but I managed to make it out to my car without being stopped.

I relaxed.

Until I got to my apartment.

Natasha was sitting in my kitchen. Right at the island like she belonged there.

I froze in my doorway.

"Hi!" she smiled at me. "Thought talking here would be more comfortable for you."

"How... How did you get in here?" it was a stupid question that didn't matter but I didn't really have anything else to say.

"Bedroom window was left open," she shrugged.

I quickly turned around to close and lock the door behind me.

"I liked the posters," she noted. "Got a thing for girls in pop punk?"

My face warmed. "Shut up!"

She just chuckled.

"S-Since you're here," I said, trying to calm down a bit, "can I make you a drink? My sister got me this nice bartending kit when I moved here. She-She thought it'd help me relax."

"I'm good," Natasha replied. "I think we should both be fully focused on the conversation at hand."

I didn't reply.

She patted the stool next to her. I relented going to sit next to her. She turned in her seat to look at me.

"Listen," I explained. "We can just forget about the whole jealousy thing. It was weird for me to say that-"

"Stop trying to backtrack," she scoffed. I looked anywhere other than her. "I don't care about the jealousy thing. I care about the why."

My eyes found hers again.

God, I truly never stood a chance. I was bound to fall for her the moment our paths crossed.

And the worst part is that I knew she didn't feel the same. At the end of the night, I would get a kind rejection and be left to get over this all myself. It would hurt, but I'd smile and say I understood. We'd continue working until we both could pretend to forget about it or until it impacted our work enough for us to be separated.

"(Y/n)," Natasha said as she leaned forward.

I didn't move. I just felt my breath hitch a bit. It was humiliating. This whole thing was so fucking humiliating.

"Do you have a crush on me," she asked. There wasn't a teasing tone in her voice. Not really. My brain was just convinced that there had to be one.

"Yes," I mumbled, embarrassment making my entire body run hot. "And I know that it's just me being weird. I don't need to be told that there's nothing here. I get it. You flirt with me because it's funny to see how flustered I get. I figured that out. I promise, it won't be a problem again-"

"Woah, woah, woah," she cut me off. "You are missing the mark there."

"What?" my nervous rant died on my tongue. My panicked speech got completely deleted.

"I mean, yeah, hearing you get nervous is fun," she stood up, standing directly in front of me. My knees were almost touching her. "But it's only fun because it's you."

"I... I don't understand-"

"You're a genius and you're funny and amazing," she ranted. "I request to work with you on every mission because you're... you're everything. You have a crush, sure, but I've been head over heels since we met, so I think I've got you beat."

I let out a shaky sigh. "That long? You asked to work with me?"

She nodded.

This was a lot to take in for me. Not just that my feelings didn't go unnoticed, but they had been reciprocated. Not only were they reciprocated, but Natasha had already been acting on those feelings. I was just an idiot who didn't realize it.

"Now would be a great time for a response."

"Why did you never say anything," I asked.

"Well, being a trained assassin from childhood doesn't always make you think that you deserve good things," she shrugged. "And from where I'm standing, you're the best of the good things."

My heart swelled a bit. "You think that?"

"How could I not?"

I looked away quickly, a new wave of nervousness passing through me. My face was warm again. Good lord, I was going to overheat at this point.

Natasha stepped forward again, causing me to move my legs apart just so she could get even closer to me. Her arms moved to wrap around my shoulders. I was suddenly aware of the fact that I had no idea what to do now. I just watched her, feeling like I must have looked like her presence alone got me a little bit drunk.

When her lips touched mine, I thought I was going to implode. One of her hands rested on my shoulder and the other moved to the nape of my neck. Like she was holding me still and pulling me closer at the same time. She was slow, gentle. Like she'd thought about it. Thought of how exactly this moment should play out so she didn't scare me away.

My hands touched her sides, slowly kissing her back. I felt her smile into the kiss, moving just a little bit closer to me. I was obsessed with this feeling. Of the warmth blooming in my chest. It wasn't the same as the blazing fire of my earlier embarrassment. This was slow. Like a wave. Or the trickle of hot water in the shower. Comforting and perfect and just what I needed.

I tried to follow her lips when she pulled away. That made her smile.

"You okay," she asked.

My eyes fluttered a few times, getting pulled out of whatever daze the kiss had left me in.

She was chuckling at my delayed reaction.

"I think I'm the one who needs that drink now," I muttered, suddenly very aware of how warm I was and how desperately I wanted to keep her exactly where she was now.

"In a bit," she replied, leaning in again. "I'm not done kissing you yet."

"Okay," I whispered, happily falling into another kiss with her.

This one was a little more intense than the first one. It was clear neither one of us had thought we'd get this far. It was hungrier. Less soft. There was less thought behind it. Somehow, it was somehow even more perfect than the one from before.

I would have given anything to stay right there forever. And nothing was better than knowing she would have done the same.

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Tag Lists:

Overall - @geeksareunique @daisydark

---------------------

Some Important Causes:

GLAAD - LGBTQIA+ Organization

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

CHIRLA - Coalition for Humane Immigrant Rights

Palestinian Red Crescent Society

[bi-bard]

Hi, I just hit 4,000 followers??

Holy shit???

All that just from me very openly simping?? What a world we live in!

No, but seriously, thank you so much for following and supporting me. It's kinda crazy to think about how long I've been doing this shit. It all still feels like it's just me rambling to myself in my room. It's sick to see stuff I've written connect with people.

I can't wait to keep writing and sharing and connecting with you all. I have some really cool ideas in my drafts right now.

Um, check out my prompt list. Please. I'm desperate.

I'll see you guys soon!

[bi-bard]

Nothing's Even Compared to You Next to Me - James "Bucky" Barnes Imagine [Marvel | Falcon & the Winter Soldier]

Title: Nothing's Even Compared to You Next to Me

Pairing: James "Bucky" Barnes X Reader

Based On: Next to Me

Word Count: 1,529 words

Warning(s): mentions of trauma/trauma responses (nightmares, death)

Summary: Flag Smashers gone- for now, at least- and Sam becoming the new face of hope leaves an opening for important conversations and maybe even a few steps forward.

Author's Note: I wrote this whole series backwards.

Part One of "October" [Release Date: 8/9/2025]

Part Two of "October" [Release Date: 8/11/2025]

Yearbook - Sleeping At Last Writing Challenge Masterlist

Navigation Guide | Prompt List - Romantic Tropes | Original Characters Masterlist | Album Writing Challenges

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I was surprised when Sam called me to join him and his family for a big celebration.

I had originally planned to just go back to my normal life from before the Flag Smashers popped up. Before John's controversy as Captain America. Before I had been forced to face Bucky after he had broken my heart.

I don't know why I went. Not fully. I mean, I love Sam, but he was always closer to Bucky.

The only time I questioned that fact was when Sam greeted me that day. He hugged me so tightly that it almost knocked the wind out of me. I chuckled at him, patting his back a few times.

"How are you feeling," he asked quietly.

"Good, good," I replied. He raised an eyebrow at me. "Relatively."

"Thought so," he hit my arm. "Go get a drink, grab some food, have fun, okay?"

I nodded. "Yes, Captain."

He rolled his eyes at me.

Sam's family was great. The people that Sam's family were friends with were great. Everyone was so nice and understanding. It had been a long time since I had let myself get caught in a crowd. It had been even longer since I had let myself enjoy any of that.

I wish that enjoying the crowd I was in was enough to keep me from needing to step away.

I was polite about it. I smiled and waved and explained that I just wanted to enjoy the view of the water a little closer.

I stood at the end of the dock for a while. I wanted to think about something other than the same exact thing that I had spent months thinking about, but I wasn't so lucky. Flag Smashers, fighting, Zemo, losing Bucky. It was all the same. Over and over.

Sam found me soon enough. "I believe I explicitly said that this was a celebration."

It was my turn to roll my eyes are him.

"What's with the longing looks at the ocean," he asked. "Please don't jump in. I'm too sore to fish you out."

I nudged him with my elbow. "I'm not gonna jump in. I'm just... thinking."

"Is that where the smoke's coming from?"

"Sam-"

"Sorry, sorry," he held his hands up. "What are you thinking about?"

I didn't have the words.

"It's Bucky, isn't it?" it wasn't even a lucky guess. It was like shoot an arrow at a target that was the size of a house. You were bound to hit it at some point.

"Do you think he actually thinks he was doing me a favor? When he left?" I looked down for a moment.

"I... I don't know, (Y/n)," he muttered. Almost like he felt bad for not having an answer.

"I screamed at him, Sam. In that therapist's office. I never do that. I hate yelling."

"You can't beat yourself up over that-"

"Too late," I cut him off. "I just... I wish we could get to some kind of better place. I don't... I don't need him to stay. I just need him to not hate me."

"I don't think Bucky is capable of hating you."

I felt a grin pull at my lips. I hoped that was true.

As I let Sam's comment sink in, a new voice joined us, "(Y/n)."

I turned around, immediately knowing it was Bucky's.

I saw the way his eyes flickered to the bruise on my forehead from our last fight with the Flag Smashers. His eyes quickly found mine again. That was him. Always checking, always worried, always protective. Before... everything, he would have spent hours looking at that bruise like he could heal it from his look alone.

Sam walked over, giving Bucky a hug as a greeting. "I... I'll let you two talk."

"I... I was wondering if you'd be here," Bucky said awkwardly after Sam had walked away.

"I could say the same to you," I replied. I vaguely gestured to the crowd behind us. "Just needed a second to myself."

"Do you want me to go?"

"No." Never. When has you leaving ever been what I picked?

He grinned a bit before walking a bit closer to me.

I turned around, looking out at the water again. I took a deep breath and grinned.

It had been a while since we had been so close without bickering with each other. I had missed it.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly after a while.

"If it's about the therapy thing, I deserved it-"

"I lied to you," I muttered after a moment of silence. "The morning before you left. When you thought I looked scared."

"I knew it-"

"It wasn't you," I stopped him. "It was never you. I... I've been having nightmares since the blip."

"About what?"

"Before it was just about watching you crumble. Just reliving it. But then I got you back and I was so happy. All my dreams became you being taken like that again."

He didn't speak. Just listened.

"Usually, I could get my bearings enough that I could just go on with my day," I continued. "But something was different that morning. I don't know if it was the new Captain America stuff or what, but I couldn't get a hold of myself. I just ran out of the room. I needed to see you. You woke up from a nightmare at the same time and..."

"Assumed that I'd scared you."

I nodded.

"I'm not upset with you," he reassured me. "Never would be. Not about something like that."

"Okay."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Didn't want to worry you, I guess," I shrugged. "You were sleeping on the floor of the living room. You were still dealing with nightmares and amends and everything else. It felt cruel to ask you to worry about my problems along with them."

There was another moment of silence. "We're at an impasse then."

I looked at him. Confused at what he was saying.

"Because I want to spend every day worrying about you."

My face warmed as his words settled between us.

"I know that I messed up when I left," he continued. "And I don't know how to make up for any of it. All I know is that you have been the best and most consistent thing I've had in years. I don't want to lose that. I... I can't lose you."

I turned my body fully to face him.

"Whatever I need to do, just tell me. I'll do it." he stepped a bit closer to me. "I just... I want to come home. To you. Every day. I am so tired of running from this."

I smiled at him. I let him reach up and touch my face. I tried to hide the small bit of additional pride when it was both hands and not just the flesh one.

"I'm so sorry," he said firmly, eyes so firm that it was like he was trying to make absolutely certain that I'd heard him and believed him.

I leaned in, brushing his nose with mine as I whispered to him, "I forgive you, Bucky."

I could feel the breath of the shaky sigh he let out. His eyes closed for a moment, forehead against mine.

"Kiss me, Barnes," I nudged him a bit before settling my hands on his sides. "Or else I'm pushing you in the water."

He chuckled before complying with my demands. The kiss felt like coming home. Gentle and loving. Slow and patient with a million words that had gone unsaid but were always known. And I would have given anything for every single kiss to feel like that going forward.

I pulled away first. I had to bite back the urge to make a comment about how he leaned forward in an attempt to follow my lips. I almost melted right into him.

"I... I have something for you," he muttered. He pulled his dog tags out of his pocket.

I laughed at the action.

He did too. "I'll be honest, I didn't know why I brought them. I didn't even know that you were going to be here."

"I've missed them. Really bring all of my outfits together."

Another laugh escaped him as he placed them over my head. The feeling of them around my neck was familiar in all the best ways.

Bucky rested his forehead against mine again.

"I love you," his whisper was desperate. Like the words had been fighting to come out for years. He'd said them before, but now it was different. More solid.

"I love you too," I mumbled. He pecked my lips again. "And I trust you. And I could never be afraid of you. And I'll repeat that a hundred times every day, if that's what makes you believe it."

Bucky pulled me closer to him- somehow- and tucked his face into the crook of my neck. His arms wrapped around me, holding onto me so tightly that I don't think I could pull back if I wanted to.

And I would happily spend the rest of my life trying to make him understand just how comforting that was.

----------------------

Tag Lists:

Overall - @geeksareunique @daisydark

----------------------

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GLAAD - LGBTQIA+ Organization

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

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Palestinian Red Crescent Society

[bi-bard]

For the Camera - Tyler Owens Imagine [Twisters]

Title: For the Camera

Pairing: Tyler Owens X Reader

Word Count: 2,583 words

Warning(s): lots of affection, thirst tweets, people being assholes online, mention of insecurities (briefly and not in much detail)

Summary: Some nasty people on Twitter causes Tyler to feel a need to make it very clear where he stands. It works for a while, but it doesn't take long for his partner to get a little suspicious of his intentions.

Author's Note: I am so late to the Twisters thing and I'm sorry. Also, this story totally didn't sit in a notebook in my room for literal weeks.

Navigation Guide | Prompt List - Romantic Tropes | Original Characters Masterlist | Album Writing Challenges

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"Have you ever looked at the tweets people make about you?"

I could tell instantly that my question knocked Tyler off his rhythm a bit. I couldn't blame him. He had pretty much just woken up, just getting his hands on a cup of coffee. I had been sitting at the island with my breakfast in front of me, which had been somewhat abandoned in favor of my current rabbit hole.

"Have you?" I pushed, determined to get an answer out of him.

"Not in a while," he replied, shock wearing off. "I cared more when the channel started first blowing up, but my interest fell off after a while."

I hummed, returning my interest to my phone.

"The only opinion I care about now is yours," he added. Cheesy bastard.

"Aw, how sweet." my response sounded sarcastic but the way my cheeks warmed up made the impact he had on me very clear. "But seriously, some of these are wild."

He chuckled as he brought his mug to his lips. He didn't seem to believe it.

"'Tyler Owens could absolutely ruin my life,'" I read out loud. That made him slightly choke on his coffee. I read another, "'I hope Tyler Owens knows that he is the best view on his streams. I sometimes forget about the tornados.'"

"Okay, I get it-" he set his mug down. He went to round the counter as I kept reading.

"'Tyler Owens makes me wetter than the rain from a storm ever could-'"

"(Y/n)," he warned. I was laughing as I leaned as far away as I could as he reached me.

"'Tyler Owens-' Oh God, I don't think I can read that out loud; there's a lot of detail!"

"Stop-"

"This one's about you and Boone!"

He continued reaching for the phone, face turning bright red. "That's enough!"

My giggling almost immediately died when I read the next tweet. It wasn't some funny thirst tweet. I was just a comment about me being annoying. All I could do was mutter a quiet, "Oh."

Tyler stopped reaching but didn't lean back at all as he questioned me, "What is it?"

"Nothing," I replied as I quickly locked my phone.

"(Y/n)," his tone immediately shifted to concern. "What is it?"

"It's nothing," I tried to push him back, but he planted himself where he was, one hand on the back of my seat and the other on the counter next to me.

I let out a huff as I relented. I handed him my phone and sat up straight as he moved back. I watched him silently as he unlocked my phone and read over the tweet. And then, he scrolled until he found another one. And another. And another.

I wasn't a particularly insecure person. I was able to separate myself from the internet. I made it a priority to build that skill after Tyler and I started getting serious. I saw this day coming and my feelings being hurt wasn't the reason I had been dreading it.

It was Tyler's reaction. Ever-loving, doting, protective Tyler. I watched his jaw clench before he swiped the app closed and put my phone face down on the counter.

"How do you feel about coming with us on a chase," he asked, clearly forcing himself to sound cheerier than he was. My shock must've been obvious. "You don't have to go on every run we do, but it'd be fun, don't you think? Romantic even?"

"Romantic?" I chuckled at him. My hands moved to his shoulders in the hope of making him a little less tense.

"Yup." he nodded. "Kissing while there's all that rain, wind, thunder, and lightning... it's like kissing during the end of the world."

"Ah, yes, nothing more romantic than me, you... and Boone."

"He can close his eyes." the smile Tyler gave me was softer, calmer.

I took a deep breath. "Okay, fine, let me contact work, get the time off, and I'll go."

He let out a cheer before pulling me forward and kissing me gently. I smiled into the kiss, hoping that this was helping him let go of all of those stupid comments.

I would learn later that I was wrong about that. Tyler was just a very good actor.

A few weeks later, I found myself being led out of a motel room and almost straight into the excited energy of far too many people waiting outside.

"(Y/n)!" Boone threw his hands up as he spotted me. I copied him, laughing as I did.

Tyler chuckled behind me, leaning his chin on my shoulder from behind. His hands touched my sides. My cheeks warmed up as he did so. Stupid charming man and his fixation on physical affection.

"Ready to go," he asked, almost speaking directly against my ear. He took way too much pride in making me flustered. I nodded. "Good."

He kissed my cheek. Not just once. Not twice. But three times in a row, each one lasting longer than the last. I'm pretty sure he would've kept going if I hadn't started laughing and leaning away from him.

Watching Tyler on camera was like watching a light switch get flipped. He was always charismatic, but it was like the idea of people watching made that dial crank up to 11.

I had gotten used to seeing him like that. It always made sense. Draw in the crowd with charm and humor and a handsome face.

Today was different.

He wasn't just charming and energetic. He was flirty. Flirtier than I ever saw him in public. Well, since we officially got together. He was touching me more, clinging a bit closer to me, mumbling small compliments and such into my ear.

It was clear when he almost shoved Boone away from the truck door so he could help me in. I laughed at him as he motioned for me to hop up.

After getting settled, I found Tyler standing up on the step outside the truck door. I furrowed my eyebrows at him, but he just leaned in to kiss me. Another thing he hadn't done since he was first trying to win me over.

"Ready for the time of your life?" he kissed me softly.

"If you're ready to fulfill that promise," I replied. I figured it would be fun to match his energy. I could ask about it later.

"Always." he winked at me before stepping down. He closed the door and ran over to the other side of the truck.

Boone jumped into the backseat, almost immediately aiming the camera at me. "Tell me, (Y/n). How did Tyler talk you into this after almost killing you last time?"

I laughed. "He didn't almost kill me. He's just dramatic."

"You almost fell out of the truck," Boone argued as Tyler jumped into his seat.

"I did not! Is that how you remember that? I scoffed at him. He nodded. I moved to stare the camera down. "Then, we'll teach everyone a lesson. Always check that you're wearing your seatbelts. And roll up your windows when the tour guide tells you to."

Tyler chuckled at me.

"Also, I am not a difficult person to win over," I added. "I love hanging out with you guys. You guys are like a second family."

"You and Tyler are the parents," Boone nodded in agreement.

"And what does that make you," Tyler asked.

"The youngest son who's always coming up with the most ridiculous schemes to solve small problems," I answered before Boone could.

"At least someone gets me," Boone said.

I leaned back in my seat as Tyler decided where we were gonna go today. He was explaining it all, but I wasn't listening. Not really. But that wasn't my fault. He was just a little too nice to look at for me to care about a word that actually came out of his mouth.

"Sound good," Tyler asked, looking at me as he spoke.

I hummed, suddenly focusing again. "Yeah, yeah, sounds great."

"You got any idea what I just said?"

"Not even a little."

He chuckled at me before starting the truck and pulling out of the parking lot.

Tyler was trying to explain what people were seeing on the livestream. Stuff about rain and wind patterns and hail. I was busy leaning forward to look at the storm overhead.

There was no question that this was easily some of the most fun I had ever had. Even back on my first trip with Tyler, I would say that. And I threw up on that trip after my first tornado. He was very sweet about it.

I lurched a bit when Tyler stepped on the break. I glared over at him for the lack of warning.

"Sorry, darling, harness on," he said. I nodded, clipping myself into the seat properly as the truck lowered a bit and secured itself in place.

I hadn't been out on a chase with Tyler in a while. I had truly forgotten how much I loved it. The wind and rain and chaos. Just hearing everyone cheering was enough to make my chest swell with something similar to pure joy.

I was busy laughing excitedly at the wind that I didn't notice a thing that Tyler was doing. That was until he touched my arm. I turned around and smiled at him.

He just looked so content. At peace, almost.

I wanted to make some joke about how he was looking at me, but I didn't get the chance. I was cut off by Tyler leaning over and pressing his lips to mine.

I smiled against his lips, assuming this was just going to be a brief cute moment after his comments about the storm being potentially romantic.

I went to lean back, but Tyler just followed me, keeping his lips planted on mine. I just chuckled a little, letting him have his moment. Again, I just thought it was our talk about this being romantic. Maybe some of it was just the adrenaline running through his veins. I couldn't blame him when I felt the exact some way. Or so I thought.

"Tyler, you gotta breathe at some point," Boone finally spoke up.

That managed to make Tyler laugh for long enough that I could pull away properly.

I spotted the camera over my shoulder. It was enough for me to lean back in my seat and hide my face. I felt like my face was on fire. I looked over at Tyler, who seemed entirely unaffected by the moment.

Oh, yeah, there was definitely something going on that he wasn't letting me in on.

Tyler continued his behavior through the whole day. More touching, touches lasting longer, compliments and sweet nothings coming out every other sentence. There was nothing as intense as that kiss during the tornado, but you could tell that he was still thinking about it when he looked over at me.

I didn't mind it. It was hard to be super upset when the person complimenting you looked like Tyler Owens. And when you were in a long-term committed relationship with that person.

I was still a little suspicious of it. It felt fair. He was also a little touchier than other people I dated, but this was just a lot.

I didn't get a chance to question Tyler about any of his behavior until later that night. It was the only time that there wasn't a crowd or a camera nearby.

Almost as soon as the truck was parked, I pulled him along with me to a quiet area outside of the motel.

Tyler didn't ask me any questions. He just followed me through the parking lot. He didn't so much as give me a confused look until I turned around to lean against the outside of the motel. His head tilted at me.

"Hello," he muttered as I contemplated what I was going to say.

"Hi," I replied.

"What are we doing all the way over here?" he motioned at the area around us.

"What was going on today," I asked quietly. No one in the group could hear us. I just wanted him to know that this wasn't me accusing him of anything. It was just concern.

"What do you mean?" He leaned against the wall next to me. Was he trying to keep the conversation private by staying close or just trying to distract me by being charming and handsome? The world may never know.

"The flirting and extra touching and kissing," I explained. "Believe me, I am never upset to get a little extra loving, but... I'd like to know it's actually for me."

"As opposed to..."

"The camera," I answered. He tensed, looking around for a moment before relenting and meeting my eyes again. "What's going on, Tyler? Talk to me."

"I just... I wanted to show you off a bit," he shrugged. "That's all."

"Why?"

He chuckled at me, looking away for a moment. "So perceptive, aren't you? Always know when there's something else going on."

I cupped the sides of his face. "I just want you to talk to me. To know that you can talk to me. I love you, Tyler."

"I love you too," he muttered, hands touching my sides.

"Then tell me what's happening."

He let out a sigh. Like he felt embarrassed. "It was the tweets."

"The tweets?" I furrowed my eyebrows. "Oh, the thirst tweets? Those were just for fun-"

"No, no," he stopped me. "The other ones. The ones about you."

I had already forgotten about them until now. "Oh, those. Tyler, you know that I don't care about those-"

"I do," he cut me off. "I care about them."

I frowned. "Tyler..."

"I... I want people to know that I'm serious about you," he explained. "That I'm not gonna start hiding you away and hiding us because they have some opinions on who I'm dating."

"Do you love me?"

"What?" he furrowed his eyebrows. "Of course, I love you."

"Good," I stepped forward and pressed my lips to his. "Knowing that is enough for me."

He sighed, leaning his forehead on mine.

"People are always going to have something to say about us," I said. "Hell, even my folks had something to say about me being with some 'weird internet dude'. All that matters to me is knowing that you love me and that I love you. Everything else is just... echoes from the void."

Tyler slowly started grinning. "Quite the poet."

"Quite the idiot," I replied, chuckling at him.

He rolled his eyes before leaning in to kiss me again. He pulled back enough to mutter, "I'm sorry for being so stupid."

"Meh, I've gotten used to it," I shrugged before leaning back in for one last kiss. "I'm kidding, I swear. Everything's fine. I just need to know that you'll talk to me about this stuff when it gets to you."

"I will," he promised.

I slid out from my place between him and the wall, grabbing his hand as I did so.

"Where are we going," he asked.

I stopped and threw a look over my shoulder. "Our room."

"Oh," he muttered. I saw something click into place in his head. "Oh! Please, lead the way."

I rolled my eyes and continued dragging him with me.

I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I hope whatever entity was out there knew how grateful I was.

-----------------------

Tag Lists:

Overall - @geeksareunique @daisydark

-----------------------

Some Important Causes:

GLAAD - LGBTQIA+ Organization

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

CHIRLA - Coalition for Humane Immigrant Rights

Palestinian Red Crescent Society

[bi-bard]

Our Resignation Only Comes on Beaten Paths - James "Bucky" Barnes [Marvel | Falcon and the Winter Soldier]

Title: Our Resignation Only Comes on Beaten Paths

Pairing: James "Bucky" Barnes X Reader

Based On: Homesick

Word Count: 2,966 words

Warning(s): nightmares, breakup, unhealthy coping mechanisms, mention of major character death/the Blip

Summary: Insight into how Bucky and (Y/n) went from being completely in love to being unable to look at each other for more than a matter of seconds.

Author's Note: I wrote this series a little differently than the others. This story would technically take place before part one of this series, but I thought it served better as a flashback than as a first part.

Part One of "October" [Release Date: 8/9/2025]

Part Three of "October" [Release Date: 8/13/2025]

Yearbook - Sleeping At Last Writing Challenge Masterlist

Navigation Guide | Prompt List - Romantic Tropes | Original Characters Masterlist | Album Writing Challenges

----------------------

Five years ago, I watched the love of my life crumble to dust in front of my eyes.

I spent those next five years in limbo. At least, that's what I called it.

I spent most of my days in my apartment. It was hard to see a purpose in getting back into any Avengers work when I had no one to fight for.

I would sit on the couch. Sometimes the TV would be playing. Voice droning on and on until they were nothing but mush in my mind. Sometimes I'd try to read a book from my shelf. Sometimes the words just looked like a pile of stuff.

My knees would be up to my chest. I'd never use a blanket. Never felt like I deserved it. Too comforting. I'd fiddle with the dog tags that Bucky had left dangling from my neck before that last fight.

I made fun of them when he gave them to me. Told him how cheesy it was. He didn't care. He just muttered about how he'd earned being a little cheesy after so long. I agreed. It was one of the last memories of him smiling that I had.

The nights were worse. Always. I just kept seeing it. Seeing everything I cared about crumbling apart in front of me over and over and over. It made sleeping almost impossible. I'd get a few hours, maybe. Sometimes I just wouldn't sleep at all. It was hell.

Steve showed up at my door after the first week. He said something about trying to call me. My phone had been dead. I didn't even know until Steve plugged it in. I apologized. He didn't even let me get the word out before hugging me.

He showed up almost every day after that. It was clear that it was just as much for him as it was for me. Shared accountability to make sure we both ate, bathed, tried to sleep. He brought to the grief group he was a part of. I didn't talk much. He said I didn't have to.

It got easier at some point. I was leaving my apartment more. I could function on my own. I was training again. Steve and I were actually having productive conversations. It was good. Not perfect, but good.

Five years later, Steve asked me to come back to work. He said that they had an idea to undo the Blip. I don't know if I listened to the whole idea before agreeing.

Seeing Bucky for the first time after all that time was just as discombobulating as I expected.

He just looked like him. No sign of aging or change. It was just him. Actually him.

My first instinct was to grab his arm. I hadn't meant to stop him in the middle of the fight. I just needed to know that he was real. That I wasn't going to be violently jerked from this dream and left on my own again.

"Hi," I muttered.

"Hi." he grinned at me.

"I... I had much better first words planned," I added after a second. "More romantic."

"Save 'em for later," he replied. I nodded.

A weight rolled off my shoulders, even though the fight wasn't over.

Bucky asked to stay with me after everything had ended. After Tony's funeral and Steve leaving. I had always assumed that he was going to after his time in Wakanda. I just didn't think there'd be such a long gap between those two things.

It was weird. Not a bad kind of weird, but still weird.

I was suddenly sharing every part of my space with another person. Kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, living room. All of it was shared. And I liked it, which may have been the weirdest part of all. I was immediately in love with sharing everything with someone. I never thought that I would get something like that.

I never told Bucky about how bad I had gotten during those five years. I didn't want him to worry about it. I wanted him to feel focused on moving forward, not what I had done while he was gone.

I thought I could get away with that.

I was certain that now that Bucky was back and everything was over that the worst of it would just fade away on its own. I had someone holding all the pieces together now.

I was wrong.

The nightmares didn't go away. They just shifted. Morphed into the newest cruelest image my mind could craft for me. A new form of torment to keep me up and busy at night.

It was all so convincing. Nice days. Sometimes in the early mornings or just in that chunk of time between afternoon and evening that was so calming. Bucky and I would always be relaxing somewhere. Usually at home. And then, he'd disappear. Crumble to dust like I had watched him do before. And I'd be left alone, scared, not knowing who to call.

I didn't have those dreams every night, but I had them often enough to need a course of action to cope with them. It was all pretty simple, really. Wake up, move as little as possible, lay completely still until the panic passes, and then, reach over and touch Bucky lightly so you know he's real. Never wake him, never scare him. He has enough bad dreams and things to work on without feeling like he needs to put you together too.

That method worked for a while. And then, Bucky started sleeping in the living room.

He'd move out there in the middle of the night. Never waking me. Just quietly moving to the hardwood floor in front of the TV.

I questioned him about it once. He didn't say much about it, just muttered about it helping sometimes. I didn't push. I kissed his head and just asked him to give me some sign he was out there. He grinned and promised that he would.

I was hoping he'd start waking me up.

He didn't.

Instead, he started leaving notes on the bedside table.

Fine. That was enough.

On the bad nights, I could do the beginning of my process and then go join him in the living room. I would place a pillow next to his and curl up on my side. I could usually hold his hand without waking him up.

Bucky didn't like me sleeping on the floor next to him. He would always mutter about how I didn't have to do that, but I did. In the most selfish way possible, I had to lay on the floor with him. I'd just kiss him and promise that I just liked being close to him. Five years apart was enough, wasn't it?

So, we kept going. This tattered, almost broken, cycle continued.

I didn't tell him about my nightmares. He never told me about his. We would just spend the days talking about getting better and growing and loving each other.

And that was the one thing that both of us had put the proper effort into: loving each other. I never questioned that Bucky loved me. I knew that he did. And I made sure that he never felt an ounce of doubt for how I felt about him.

I could've survived in that cycle forever. Happily, even. Despite the nightmares and unhealthy coping mechanisms on both sides.

And then, one night became a tipping point. Not that I knew it at the time.

The nightmare had started like most before. Bucky was lying with me in bed, smile on his face and a sleepy look in his eyes. I smiled back at him, taking a moment to enjoy the warmth of the sun. And then, I went to reach for him. The place on his cheek that I'd touched crumbled away under my fingers.

"No," I muttered, tears filling my eyes immediately. His smile fell, replaced by that same heartbroken look he'd given me when he crumbled to dust the first time. "Bucky..."

I went to touch the other side of his face and that crumbled too.

Then, his arm. His chest. His legs. Everything. Piece by piece turning to dust in front of me. A reminder that I couldn't save him. There would be a day when I wouldn't be able to save him from whatever fate was waiting for him.

I shot up in bed when I woke up, which was already a bad sign.

I was crying. Hard. I couldn't get my breath to slow down. Heart pounding, thoughts racing. I was stuck in this pit of dread and panic and for the first time in a long time, I couldn't pull myself out of it.

I looked to the other side of the bed and found nothing there. No Bucky. There wasn't a note. There was no note on the bedside table. I scrambled across the mattress, begging for some evidence of him being here. Something that felt solid.

My brain wasn't working. I wasn't thinking clearly. There was no logic in anything I was doing.

I stumbled out of bed and down the hall. Tears were still streaming down my face faster than I could have ever stopped them.

I found Bucky in the living room. Lying on the hardwood floor like he had so many times before. Still fast asleep.

I let out a shaky breath, one last sob escaping me as I saw him. One hand reached up for the dog tags sitting around my neck. Still. Even after he had come home.

A few seconds later, Bucky shot up from where he had been lying. He was sweating, panicked. His eyes found mine. My eyes jumped around his whole face, looking for something that would calm me the fuck down. He just stared up at me from where he was sitting.

"(Y/n)..." he muttered. "Are you okay?"

I nodded slowly. His voice was helping more than he'd ever know.

"Did I... Did I do something? While I was asleep?"

"No, no," I promised. I felt his eyes scanning me for any injuries that I was either hiding or didn't know about. I walked over, settling on my knees next to him. "It's nothing. Just me being silly. Think I had a long day and it's catching up to me, y'know?"

"Okay...," he said, clearly suspicious. "(Y/n), if I did something-"

"You didn't," I cut him off, hands cupping the sides of his face. "You didn't do anything wrong, Bucky. I promise. I wouldn't hide that from you."

He slowly nodded and turned to kiss my palm.

I hummed at the affection before moving. I curled into his side, arms wrapping around his torso as I hid my face in his neck. My legs ended up thrown over his. I tried to hide how badly I needed to hear his heartbeat. How much I needed to feel his chest move with his breath.

I wish I had paid more attention. I wish I had seen that he only saw fear in my eyes when he first woke up. I wish I had seen his hesitation to hold me. I wish I had noticed how silent he was. I wish I had seen just how much seeing me like I was that night had impacted him.

Maybe things would've worked out a little differently. Or maybe I just wanted to believe that they could have worked out differently.

I thought we had both settled back into our norm that morning. After spending the rest of the night curled up together on the floor, I thought we were okay. I wanted us to be okay.

It wasn't until the sun had come up fully that I was able to pull myself away from Bucky at all.

He was already watching me. Closely. Like he was waiting for a sign of something that I didn't know about.

I smiled at him. "Hi."

"Hi," he muttered back, smile a little more forced than mine.

I leaned in and kissed him. Partly because I wanted to. Partly because I wanted to pull some of the stress away from his face. I felt some small amount of comfort when his hand touched my back, gently tracing my spine.

"I... have to go to the grocery store," I said as I reluctantly pulled away.

"Okay," Bucky nodded, kissing my forehead and letting hands fall from me. "Want me to go with you?"

I tried not to look too disappointed. He usually made some effort- no matter how jokingly- to get me to stay home with him. Just for the fun of it. Bucky wasn't a man of many jokes or sickeningly sweet moments, so I valued the ones I could get my hands on.

This was just weird.

"No, no, I got it," I replied. "You should try to get some more rest."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure," I waved him off before pushing myself off the floor. "I'm just gonna go get changed."

I could feel that something was off the entire time I was shopping.

It was a pit deep in my stomach. Something so unsettling and unfamiliar that it made me want to drop everything and go back home.

I just needed to see Bucky again. See him in the living room or kitchen or something. Just him doing something so mundane that it would drive someone crazy from boredom. That's all I needed.

But when I got home, he wasn't in the living room or the kitchen. I tried to shake off the feeling as I put the grocery bags on the counter.

"Bucky!" I called. I looked at the hooks I had put up for us to hang our keys on. His were gone. "Buck!"

I walked down the hall, finding him in the bedroom. I saw a duffel bag sitting on the bed.

"What are you doing," I asked.

I knew. In my heart, I knew. I just wanted it to be something else. It didn't help that he didn't answer me.

"Bucky," I said more firmly. "What are you doing?"

He paused but didn't look at me. "I'm... leaving."

"Why?"

He just kept packing.

"Is this about last night? Bucky, I told you-"

"I know what you said," he cut me off. "But I saw your eyes. I've seen that look before. A long time ago."

"What are you-"

"When I was... him," he explained. "You looked at me the same way then. I don't know what I did but I can't risk it happening again."

"You didn't do anything-"

"You don't need to lie to me." he shook his head as he kept packing. "You've been scared of me for a while. I see it. Those nights when you wake up and immediately look over at me. Like you're lying next to a ticking timebomb."

It was my turn to shake my head. "Bucky, no-"

"You deserve better than that."

"Listen to me," I stepped forward. "That's not you. None of that is you. It's me. I didn't want to worry you with it-"

"You don't need to make me feel better."

"Why won't you just let me talk?" I grabbed his arm, finally getting him to look me in the eye.

"Because you're going to say anything that you will comfort me," he cut me off. "Because that's who you are. You're so understanding and patient and you won't let anyone think that you hate them."

"I could never hate you, Bucky," I touched his face.

"I know that," he promised, hand resting over mine. "But you're scared of me. You just don't want me to think that."

"I'm not scared of you, just please let me explain-"

"(Y/n)..." he pulled my hands away from his face. He was looking at me like a parent looks at a lying toddler.

He pulled away from me completely. He continued working around me.

I felt a wave of anger boil up in my stomach.

"So, that's it then," I asked. "You convince yourself of some... delusion that I'm scared of you, and you just run for the hills?"

He sighed.

"You won't even let me try to explain anything that's going on? Won't talk to me at all?" I kept moving, trying to get him to look at me. When I realized he wouldn't, I just threw my hands up. "Fine."

"You deserve someone that you can be safe around."

"I deserve to be with the man I love," I snapped at him. "The man that I know is safe and that I know cares for me. But he is unfortunately fixated on leaving me and was just looking for some excuse to do so."

"That's not-"

"I will not stand here and watch you leave like a sad puppy. I'm going to unload the groceries. Leave your keys on the hook when you're done."

If he stopped packing, I didn't notice. He didn't tell me. If there was a second of hesitation or regret, then I would have never known that it existed.

I refused to break until I saw the keys sitting on the hook again and heard the door close for the last time.

After that, there was nothing to stop me from letting out a loud sob.

"Fuck," I cursed, sitting on the floor of the kitchen and pulling my knees to my chest.

My hands found the dog tags sitting around my neck again. I fiddled with them for a moment before sharply pulling them off and throwing them as far away as I could.

This was hell.

A new kind of hell.

Because I hadn't just lost Bucky this time. He had chosen to leave me. And it hurt so much more.

----------------------

Tag Lists:

Overall - @geeksareunique @daisydark

----------------------

Some Important Causes:

GLAAD - LGBTQIA+ Organization

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

CHIRLA - Coalition for Humane Immigrant Rights

Palestinian Red Crescent Society

[bi-bard]

Hello Marvel Fans!

Hi! How are you? How's it going?

So, recently, I have properly committed to writing fanfiction for different Marvel characters. I thought that now would be a good time to ask what characters people actually want to see. This can be just some of your favs or characters that you think are particularly underrated in the fanfiction realm. Go ahead and send them my way.

It is important to note that this is inspired by me doing my first ever watch through of the MCU. I'm basically watching everything that is sorted as being part of the main "phases" (I hope that makes sense).

Anyway, send the suggestions in, I'd love to see them. Thank you!

[bi-bard]

Gravity Has Tied Your Anchor to the Shore - James "Bucky" Barnes Imagine [Marvel | Falcon & the Winter Soldier]

Title: Gravity Has Tied Your Anchor to the Shore

Pairing: James "Bucky" Barnes X Reader

Based On: Watermark

Word Count: 1,571 words

Warning(s): discussion of break-up, yelling, mention of abandonment

Summary: Bucky and (Y/n) are forced to face each other for the first time since they separated. They're each met with harsh truths and unfortunate realities at the hands of a therapist who really does not seem to want to be there.

Author's Note: Yeah... I know it's been a while since I wrote this series and I'm sorry. Also, really bullshitted with this song but it's fine.

Part Two of "October" [Release Date: 8/11/2025]

Part Three of "October" [Release Date: 8/13/2025]

Yearbook - Sleeping At Last Writing Challenge Masterlist

Navigation Guide | Prompt List - Romantic Tropes | Original Characters Masterlist | Album Writing Challenges

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Only Bucky could get arrested at a time that completely threw off any and all plans we had.

Sam had called me when it happened. He muttered something about me not needing to show up but wanting me to be in the loop.

I showed up anyway.

I told Sam that I didn't know why. I was lying. I don't think Sam believed me.

I knew that I still cared about Bucky. I knew that he had become the most important person in my life a long time ago. I knew that as soon as I heard about him being in trouble that I wasn't going to not show up.

I loved him. I probably would for the rest of my life.

Sam hugged me when he saw me. Not one of those awkward side hugs between colleagues. This was a full, proper hug that made it clear that he knew how weird I felt being there. How weird everything going on had felt these past few days.

"Where is he?"

As soon as I had asked, the door to the holding cells had opened. Two officers walked out with Bucky. He looked shocked to see me.

"Hey," I muttered, rocking back and forth on my feet.

"Hi," he replied.

He went to say something else but got swept up. His therapist had come in and demanded a session as a condition of his release. Sam got dragged into it too. I gave him a pitiful look.

A look that he then gave right back to me when I got called into the room.

I groaned and rolled my eyes.

"Listen," I said as the door shut behind me. "I don't have anything to offer you. Bucky and I-"

"Are exes," the therapist cut me off. "It's actually very helpful to understand the nature of your relationship."

I sat in the chair and turned it to face the therapist. I tried to look annoyed and casual. I didn't want this lady to know how I truly felt about everything. It wasn't any of her business. Hell, it was barely Bucky's business.

"What was your relationship like?"

I looked at him to answer the question. "Go for it, James."

"Don't call me that," he muttered.

"It's your name."

"Not the one that you use," he insisted.

"You don't really have a say in which of your names I use now."

"Okay, let's get back on track." the therapist intervened.

I was not going to entertain this. She wasn't even my therapist. He didn't have anything to say.

"Oh, come on," she sighed. "Let's try to do something productive in this discussion. Something more productive than that last conversation."

"It was good," Bucky admitted, looking at me. I looked down. "I thought so."

"The whole time?"

"No," he replied. "Took some time. 70 years of brainwashing and memory wiping can make romance challenging."

"Why end it now?"

Silence.

"You two were together for some time. Sounds like before the Blip. By all means, this sounds like the longest and most committed relationship you've had, Bucky."

I almost flinched at the mention of the Blip. It had done a lot of damage. Damage that I had hoped that I'd finally worked through but clearly hadn’t.

"Tell me what went wrong."

"What do you think?" Bucky snapped. I glanced over, seeing his jaw tick a bit.

"Assume I have no idea."

"I was awful," he explained. My head turned to him fully this time. "I was a burden. Nightmares, flashbacks, you name it. I couldn't sleep in the same bed. I couldn't show affection. So, I left."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "What?"

"I left to give (Y/n) freedom," he wouldn't look at me while he spoke.

I scoffed.

"It wasn't fair to trap them like that."

"I wasn't trapped," my voice got a little louder to keep him from speaking over me again. I felt bad about it. "I... I was... I was happy. There were bad days, sure. Bad nights too. But they were with you."

"You deserve someone who can exist outside of bad days. I wanted you to be able to find that."

"I wanted you. I didn't need to find something different."

"You don't get it."

"I 'get it' just fine-"

"No, no, you don't," he cut me off. "You're... You're a hero. To everyone. There's no doubt. No worry that you'll just snap at some point. You are trusted and good and... and you deserve something more."

"I don't care what you think I deserve-"

"I'm trying to do the right thing-"

"Oh, shut up!" I snapped, no longer feeling bad about my volume. "Stop with the 'I'm freeing you of my burden' bullshit! If I saw you as a burden, Bucky, then I would have never kissed you! I wouldn't have waited for years for you to feel safe enough to touch me and love me! I wouldn't have waited five years to get you back! I never saw you as burden; that was you!"

He looked down.

"You know that Steve had to drag me off the field after what Thanos did?" I added. "That he had to check on me week after week to make sure I was still eating? Drag me to grief meetings? He had to make sure I was still alive!"

"Stop-"

"Because even breathing without you there felt like a chore," I said. I felt tears in my eyes. "You coming back was the happiest moment of my life. Hell, I almost died because I got distracted by you being next to me again. You were my whole world... You were everything!"

His jaw clenched.

"Stop acting like you did me a favor, James." my voice dropped to something barely above an angry whisper. "All you did was abandon me."

"Okay," the therapist- whose name I still didn't even know yet- held her hands up as a way to relieve the tension. "This is good. This is some real honesty-"

"Go to hell," I told her.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out Bucky's dog tags. I didn't even remember bringing them. I just knew that it felt like they were burning a hole in my pants now.

I threw them on the desk before I shoved my chair back and stormed out.

All my brain was telling me was to get out. Get outside. Get in the car and get home. Do something other than stand here and listen to Bucky tell me again that he was doing this all for my own good. God, I was so tired of him acting like he knew what was going to be good for me.

Sam caught me on the way out. I didn't even realize I had been crying until he gave me this pitying look and pulled me into another hug. I hid my face in his shoulder.

When I heard the door open again behind me, I stepped back. I could feel Bucky's eyes on me, but I didn't turn back to him.

"Call me if you need me," I said. "I'll have my ringer on and a secure line waiting. Okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, alright," he nodded.

"I'm going home." I wiped my eyes again and walked away.

"(Y/n)-"

I heard Sam stop Bucky before he could get too far. He had muttered something about giving me time and space or whatever the hell.

I didn't drive home. Not right away. I sat in my car and cried like some dramatic lead in a romance movie.

I was exhausted. Physically, emotionally. I hadn't felt like that since before the Blip had been undone. Since I had lost almost every friend I had ever had.

Driving home felt wrong. Walking in felt worse.

Sitting on my couch, turning on the tv, trying to put together dinner for the night. All of it was just off. I had gotten too used to doing that with another person, or just with the promise of another person finding his way home to me.

Going to bed was the worst of all.

I had spent every night alone since Bucky had left. It wasn't new. But now, I had done something. Something bad.

I hated yelling. It was never productive. Never helpful. If I didn't absolutely have to, I avoided doing it at all costs.

This was especially when it came to Bucky. I had no proof that it actually did anything to help. I just knew that it didn't hurt him. I just didn't want to add to the weight that he was already carrying with him.

My brain was going too fast throughout the rest of the day. A million thoughts and ideas, none of them lasting long enough for them to make any sense. I was so tired. So tired, angry, heartbroken.

I couldn't relax into my mattress. The blanket was suffocating. The pillow was somehow going from far too soft to too hard.

I yanked myself out of my bed that night. I tried the couch, only to be met with the same feelings again.

In a desperate search for comfort, I laid on the floor of my living room. The stiffness finally gave my brain something singular to focus on so I could be lulled to sleep, no matter how unfulfilling it was.

And it may have been the only decision Bucky had made recently that I could actually understand.

----------------------

Tag Lists:

Overall - @geeksareunique @daisydark

----------------------

Some Important Causes:

GLAAD - LGBTQIA+ Organization

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

CHIRLA - Coalition for Humane Immigrant Rights

Palestinian Red Crescent Society

[bi-bard]

I have a bold claim to make about Bob from Thunderbolts*

I also need a very specific overlap of fandoms to help me out because I have no evidence for it. Haven’t even seen the movie. I’m going off of edits and vibes.

Here’s my claim: Bob from Thunderbolts* would totally be an As It Is fan. Specifically, i think he’d be really into the album “I Went to Hell and Back”.

[bi-bard]

Thank you for including me!!

The Pitt - Masterlists & One Shots II

My navigation page: here

Masterlists & One Shots I

The Pitt - Series I, II

In the past, I have lost track of stories; hence, the creation of these posts, which contain lists of stories from fandoms that I love. These lists include masterlists, one-shots, and series that I am reading, have read, or plan to read. If this helps you out too, I'm happy to hear that!

* These lists do not include the summaries of the stories. If you wish to see that, please go to the series to see what the authors have provided!

Masterlists

Masterlist (Jack/ Robby) By: @glamorizethechaos

The Pitt Recommendations (Jack/ Robby) By: @sergeantangel

Jack Abbot Masterlist By: @flofaiiry

Masterlist (Jack) & (Robby) By: @hauntedhowlett-writes

Masterlist (Jack) & (Robby) By: @art-by-jas

One Shots

Goldilocks (Jack) By: @robinavich

Burns (Jack) By: @sebsbarnes

Support Groups (Jack) By: @nineteenninety-six

Bartender (Jack) By: @oldermenfucker

Edge of the dark (Jack) By: @thepencilnerd

Someone else (Jack) By: @miley1442111

You’re like me (Jack) By: @langdonapologist

Helen of Troy (Jack) By: @vanillann

Heading out (Jack) By: @miley1442111

Growing old (Retired Jack) By: @ovaryacted

Pretty fucked (Jack) By: @bitters-n-sweets

Battle Scars & Robby’s POV (Robby) By: @maoricth

My family (Robby) By: @neverinadream

Three song series ROLE MODEL (Robby) By: @bi-bard

Hands around a cold glass (Robby) By: @cosmic-whispers

Unique, cute, endearing moment in their lovely mundane life (Robby) By: @promotional-dvd

Human weighted blanket (Robby) By: @science-hoes

I'm your summer girl (Robby) By: @docrobinavitch

[bi-bard]

Three Song Series: ROLE MODEL + Dr. Michael "Robby" Robinavitch [The Pitt]

Title: Three Song Series: ROLE MODEL + Dr. Michael "Robby" Robinavitch

Pairing: Dr. Michael "Robby" Robinavitch X Teacher!Reader

Word Count: 2,377 words

Warning(s): hints at some insecurities but not super explored, brief mention of alcohol consumption

Summary: Three songs by ROLE MODEL that would describe a relationship with Dr. Michael "Robby" Robinavitch. Songs included are "say it first", "neverletyougo", and "Something, Somehow, Someday".

Author's Note: I have just realized that I need to write about Robby more. Someone should totally send in a request for him from my prompt list that's linked right below this note.

Navigation Guide | Prompt List - Romantic Tropes | Original Characters Masterlist | Album Writing Challenges

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say it first

I wanna say you feel the same I hesitate 'cause I'm afraid you don't Wish I could get inside your head And write what we been thinkin' on a note

Robby and I met when I first moved into my apartment.

I had been very unsafely carrying a few boxes when he took pity on me. He helped me get the boxes into my apartment. The first person to welcome me to the city.

We chatted for a bit. He told me that he was called Robby, even though his name was Michael. I told him that I'd never had a nickname. He joked that he'd put that task on his to-do list.

I explained that I was a teacher. He was a doctor in the ER. I made a comment about how cool he must be with a job like that. He made a comment about how my job was just as important because he wouldn't be a doctor without his teachers.

I then I had to break the news that I was a kindergarten teacher. May not be creating any little doctors in those rooms. He just replied that they'd see me as an early inspiration for what a person is supposed to be.

I don't think he ever meant to make my face warm up. He just kind of did... a lot. Every compliment felt like it set my skin on fire as I tried to come up with a comeback.

Robby and I became good friends after that. Our days off didn't always line up, but we seemed to constantly be leaving at the same time.

Small chats at our door turned into talking over cups of coffee. Talking over coffee turned into having dinner together when neither one of us wanted to be alone. It was nice to have something so regular.

It didn't take long for me to develop feelings for Robby. It was infuriatingly simple, actually. Annoyingly so. He was smart and funny and sweet. A real man who was down to earth. He could be so charming but have seemingly no idea of it. A man in denial of the effect he had on people.

If I were more of a fool, I would have said that Robby shared my feelings. But I knew better. He was a kind man. That was it. A good guy. The moments that I thought we were sharing on my balcony or in the hall or in one of our kitchens were friends being friendly.

And then, everything changed.

It had been a long day for both of us.

He had been through a crazy shift. I could see it in how he walked to his door. Shoulders slumped and feet almost dragging. I stopped him in the hall to ask him about it. He was shocked that I was there.

I spent the day teaching and then my afternoon and evening at parent-teacher conferences. The kids were fine. The adults were... something else.

I invited him in for wine and something quick for dinner.

He agreed.

The night was spent talking over some basic pasta dish and two glasses of wine. He was doing what he could to rant without violating his patients' privacy. Me complaining about how too many parents are focused on making their kids perfect cookie cutter versions of themselves instead of meeting them where they are and helping them be the best version of themselves without those expectations.

Something was off about Robby that night. Not the stress from the day. Something else. He wasn't looking me in the eye as much. When it did, he seemed like there was something he was holding back. I just couldn't tell what it was.

I tried to ignore it. And I did, for most of the night.

Until he was helping me clean up the kitchen. He was drying dishes as I handed them over.

He did the thing again. Where he'd look at me, pause, and then look away like that would be the only way to stop him from saying something.

"Robby?"

"Yeah," his eyes shot back up to mine as I spoke.

"What are you hiding," I asked abruptly, leaning against the counter.

He let out a shocked laugh. "Excuse me? Nothing."

"Y'know, I work with kids who are bad liars every day," I said. "And you are significantly worse at it."

"That is... rude," he replied. "Since when are you so blunt?"

"Don't distract me. Tell me what you've been hiding."

I was only blunt because I was scared. I was scared about what was waiting on the other side of this conversation. I was waiting for him to tell me that he had met someone or that we couldn't spend any more time together. My mind went to worst case scenario no matter how hard I tried to fight them.

"Michael..." my voice was quiet as I said his actual first name. I never did that. I wanted him to know that I was being serious. "Please."

The air shifted. Like suddenly we both accepted that I wasn't joking and I wasn't backing down. This moment was going to change... whatever there was between us going forward.

I was about to try to backtrack, even though I knew it was impossible.

"I'm in love with you," Robby said before I even had a chance.

"Holy shit," I replied out of shock. I slapped my hand over my mouth. "I am so sorry, that was not the appropriate response."

He laughed. "It's a memorable one."

There was a pause.

"Listen, don't worry about it," he tried to make the moment less intense.

"No, no, don't do that," I stepped forward and grabbed his hands. "Robby, I'm in love with you too."

"I hope you're not just saying that-"

"Oh, for the love-" I cut both of our sentences off to pull him forward and press my lips to his.

The kiss took many different forms. At first, it was nervous and awkward. Like neither one of us could accept that it was happening. Then, we seemed to both relax a bit. We started testing the waters, seeing what worked. Finally, we settled into a rhythm. A perfect moment forming between us.

I pulled away first, smiling at him. "Believe me now?"

His face had turned red as he looked down.

I leaned down to force him to make eye contact with me. "Need some more proof."

He chuckled. "Maybe I do."

I hummed. "Happily."

I kissed him again, grinning as I felt the heat radiating off his face. I took a little bit of pride in successfully flustering him.

I would happily prove this to him a hundred more times if he needed me to.

neverletyougo

Boys mad, got the girl they dream 'bout Girls mad 'cause I ain't as free now Ma's glad 'cause I show my teeth now In it for the long haul, I won't ever creep out

It felt like some perfectly cruel act of the universe that the power went out on one of the few days that Robby and I had our schedules lined up well-enough for us to have a day off together.

One minute we were cuddled up on the couch, catching up on one of our shows. The next, we were sitting in the dark. There was some sunlight peeking through the blinds that we hadn't bothered to open yet. Still, there was a blanket of darkness over our shared space.

"This has to be a joke," Robby grumbled. "I'll go see if it's the breaker."

"Okay," I replied as he guided me off his chest so he could stand up. "I'm gonna let some sunshine in."

I walked over to the window as he went down the hall. I pulled the blind open and almost chuckled at the view.

There it was. Pittsburgh gone dark.

"Robby!" I called over my shoulder. "It's not us!"

"What do you- oh," he muttered as he looked out the window. "Answers that question then."

"And means that we're gonna be in the dark for an unknown amount of time," I added. "So... we'll have to find a way to pass the time."

Somehow, we ended up sitting at the dining room table, slowly letting candles as the sun started going down. I had gotten out a container of watermelon I had cut up the other day. We found an old pile of coloring pages I had printed for my students and had extras of.

It was almost funny. Two grown adults, snacking and coloring on our day off. I loved it. I could spend every day like this if Robby was the person I was doing it with.

"This is... significantly more fun than I expected it to be," Robby admitted later in the night.

I chuckled. "I told you; coloring is good for stress. And this stuff is great because it's not those adult coloring books that use stupidly complicated designs."

"Like your Bob Ross-"

"Do not talk shit about my Bob Ross coloring book," I stopped him.

"Okay, okay," he laughed at me.

I could feel him staring at me, making me look up from my picture and awkwardly offer him the pencil in my hand. He just shook his head.

Then, he reached over and pulled my chair closer to his, making me cuss a bit as he did. His arm laid across the back of my chair as he leaned over to kiss me gently.

I hummed into the kiss, leaning a bit closer to him.

When he pulled back, he looked lost. Like he was in some kind of trance. Or just very, very deep in thought. I furrowed my eyebrows at him, reaching out to run my fingers through his hair.

"You alright?" I muttered.

"Yeah, yeah," he nodded. "I... I have to ask you something."

I froze. Anxiety shot straight to my stomach. I tried to hide it, forcing a grin as I tilted my head at him.

"Wait here," he kissed my hands quickly before getting up. Then, from the bedroom, I heard him yell, "Okay, close your eyes."

"Okay..." I closed my eyes and placed my hands over them.

The apartment remained silent until I heard the thunk of something being placed on the table in front of me. Another moment of silence before I heard Robby sit back in his chair.

I jumped a bit when his hand touched my leg.

"Oh, sorry, sorry," he said softly. His tone was almost completely different than it had been a moment ago. "You can open your eyes now."

I pulled my hand away and let my eyes open. I was immediately met with a small velvet box sitting in front of me. My jaw dropped open a bit, my brain immediately taking off at a hundred miles per hour.

Robby reached his free hand out and opened the box, revealing a ring sitting in the middle.

"Holy shit," I muttered before putting my hand over my mouth and looking at Robby. I didn't wanna interrupt whatever Robby had planned for this.

"(Y/n)..." he started. "I have been lucky to be with you for the last few years. I've been luckier to be in love with you for even longer. I've gotten to the point where I cannot imagine existing in this world without you with me. I want you there every single day and I want everyone to know that I want you there every single day. Will you please marry me?"

I nodded, not trusting my voice as tears filled my eyes.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, yeah," I finally managed to confirm vocally. "Are you crazy? Of course, the answer's yes."

He laughed as he leaned in and kissed. We were both grinning like idiots. It made the kiss a little less put together than it could've been, but it was still perfect. A perfect image of the joy and love in that moment. I wouldn't have traded it for the world.

And it took was for some chunk of Pittsburgh to lose its power.

Something, Somehow, Someday

Oh, I believe they're meant to be Something, somehow, someday Yes, it's clear to me they're meant to be Something, somehow, someday

**Third Person P.O.V**

"Ooo, happy couple, 2 o'clock."

Jack turned around when Dana spoke up. It was in fact not at 2 o'clock but he wasn't willing to have an argument about that right now. He grinned at the sight of (Y/n) and Robby greeting each other by (Y/n)'s car.

"They make me sick," Dana was smiling as she made the comment. Clearly a joke.

"Absolutely disgusting," Jack added, a similar amused look finding its way to his face. "Did you hear the good news?"

"Robby told me," she replied. "He was grinning like a dork all day until I forced him to tell me what was going on. You hear the story?"

"During a blackout while coloring over watermelon. That Robby is a real romantic."

Dana laughed at the idea. Truthfully, she knew how completely in love Robby was with his partner. She saw it every time he came to work. After their first date then the first kiss then the first holiday then the first anniversary. On and on and on until Robby and (Y/n) were immediately recognized as a pair.

"Y'know, I think they were always gonna meet," Jack said after a minute. Dana gave him a look. "I don't think I can remember not seeing them as Robby and (Y/n). They were connected, somehow. Circling each other."

"Are you telling me that you believe in soulmates, Dr. Abbot?" Dana agreed, but it was much more fun to make fun of him.

"Not all the time," he shrugged. "But with them... I just might make an exception."

Dana's smile became more genuine than amused. It was a sweet thought. "Have a good shift, Dr. Abbot."

"Have a good night, Dana, see you in the morning."

When Dana turned back toward where Robby and (Y/n) had been, the pair had disappeared. She started her own walk to her car.

Maybe Jack had a point about the two of them. Maybe time would tell.

Or maybe it already had.

-------------------------

Tag Lists:

Overall - @geeksareunique @daisydark

-------------------------

Some Important Causes:

GLAAD - LGBTQIA+ Organization

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

CHIRLA - Coalition for Humane Immigrant Rights

Palestinian Red Crescent Society

[bi-bard]

Just reblogging this now that I've started posting marvel imagines

Romantic Trope Prompt List

Hello! Welcome to my first ever prompt list!

Below is a list of common romance tropes. Some are personal favorites of my mine, others are just some that I have heard about a lot.

Here's how to participate: choose 1 or 2 tropes from the list and a character. Send that information (and anything else you think is relevant) to my asks. Then, I'll write a short story/drabble/whatever you wanna call it. It is a very simple thing that has been done a hundred times before.

I don't have many guidelines about who I will or will not write about. My only hard boundaries are that I don't write smut and I don't write about real people.

I would recommend looking through my navigation guide for an idea of what I write about the most and to see if I know what you want to request.

On that note, there are some shows I haven't written about yet, including:

Ted Lasso

Will Trent

Elementary (I've only seen season 1 and some of season 2)

A bunch of DC characters

Now, I'll stop stalling and give you the list. I hope to get some requests in soon!

---------------------------

Enemies to Lovers

Arranged Marriage

Forced Proximity

Opposites Attract [sunny x grumpy, rich x not rich, celebrity x regular person]

Right Person, Wrong Time

Fairytale Retelling [please include a specific story retell]

Marriage of Convenience

Second Chance Love/Reignited Love

Mistaken Identity

Friends to Lovers

Love at First Sight

Second Chance Meeting

Fake Relationship

Age Gap Romance

Blind Date

For a Dare/Bet/Job [you get it]

Cursed Love [either cursed to stay apart or cursed to be together, your choice]

Not Able to Touch [reason can be chosen by you]

Time Travel Romance

Unrequited Romance

Oblivious to Love

Trauma Bonded [Protector/Protected, etc.]

Love Triangle

Assassin X Target

Paranormal Romance [Ghost, Witch, Vampire, etc.]

Accidental Confession [drunk, nervous, etc.]

Unknown Identity [masquerade, penpals, etc.]

Secret/Hidden Relationship

Forgotten Love [amnesia]

Mentor X Protégé

Sworn Off Love

Marriage Pact

Secret Admirer

Love Potion/Magic

Jealousy

Lovers In Denial

Road Trip

Long Distance Romance

Runaway Spouse

Childhood Sweethearts

---------------------------------

I am willing to add to this list as time goes on!

[bi-bard]

So...

Some time ago, I made the decision to lock all my works on AO3 after the recent data-scrapping that had occurred.

Recently, I have been considering unlocking them (basically opening them to the view and engagement of guests instead of just registered accounts.

I am not really looking for opinions. I am wondering if anyone has information on if locking the fics is an effective way to protect my work. Is it all pointless? Can it actually benefit me in the long run?

Please let me know, if you have any information.

Thank you in advance.

[bi-bard]

Pathetically Naive and Desperate to Believe - James "Bucky" Barnes Imagine [Marvel | Captain America]

Title: Pathetically Naive and Desperate to Believe

Pairing: James "Bucky" Barnes X Reader

Word Count: 2159 words

Warning(s): insecurities

Summary: [Inspired by "Pretty Funny" from Dogfight | prior to first Captain America movie] Bucky tries to finally make a move with a close friend. However, his interest seems to be disingenuous when he leaves said friend sitting alone for the night. He's left scrambling to fix everything between them before he loses the most important person in his life.

Author's Note: This deadass only happened because I saw a video of this song like ten minutes after watching the first Captain America for the first time. This doesn't super strictly follow the song because it would make me too sad if I did.

And, yeah, Bucky's my favorite and I don't think that surprises a single person who has looked at my blog before.

Navigation Guide | Prompt List - Romantic Tropes | Original Characters Masterlist | Album Writing Challenges

-------------------

Bucky Barnes was one of the most infuriatingly charming people I have ever met. A natural flirt, even though he always seemed determined to deny it.

In any other course of events, I would've avoided a man like him like he had the plague. But I had an obstacle keeping him around: Steve. My oldest friend. Bucky's too. And I was unwilling to lose Steve just to avoid how Bucky acted every day.

And maybe, just maybe, there were times that I didn't mind Bucky's behavior. Like the times he'd throw an arm around my shoulders to make sure I didn't get too far from the group. Or when he throws a wink at me after making a joke that would've likely gone over my head if he hadn't. Or when he would make small comments about making sure I was taken care of with the sincerest look on his face that it would knock me over.

But I wanted to believe that I knew better than to ever get caught up in those moments. Bucky was still Bucky. He still found someone new on his arm every time I saw him. I had no interest in being a name on a list. I was a bit too much of a romantic for that kind of thing.

If I lived my whole life being nothing more than friends with that man, I would have lived a fine life. A life of denial, but a fine life.

But fate- and Bucky- seemed determined to ruin my plans.

"There you are!"

I jumped at the sudden loud sound of Bucky's voice as he made his way over to me.

"Sorry," he replied, seeming amused by my fear. That stupid smile. "I've been looking for you all day."

"I'm not a difficult person to find," I replied. "Unless you're blind... or easily distracted."

"Are you implying I get distracted easily?"

"Well... you're not blind."

He scoffed, running his hand through his hair. I silently scolded myself for staring at his smile a little too long.

"What did you want, Bucky?" I crossed my arms over my chest.

"I was wondering if you'd let me take you out tonight," he asked.

"I don't have any plans," I explained. "I could meet you and Steve-"

"Not with Steve," he stopped me. "Just the two of us."

"Oh," I mumbled. "Like a..."

"Like a date, yeah," he confirmed.

It felt like my heart jumped into my throat. And I felt like I did a truly awful job hiding it.

"Is it that bad of an idea?"

"No, no," I replied a little too fast. "I just... I wasn't expecting that."

There was a pause before he slowly stepped closer to me. "What do you say?"

"I think...," I trailed off, looking for any sign in his eyes that he was lying. I couldn't find one. "I think that sounds great."

His smile got a little bit wider. "Good. I'll stop by your place around seven."

"Sounds like a good plan."

He reached over and grabbed my hand, pulling it up to kiss the back of it. "See you tonight."

I just grinned like an idiot as he dropped my hand and walked away.

I waited until I knew he was out of earshot and sight to celebrate a little bit. I bounced on my feet a little bit. I only stopped when I saw someone looking at me with a weird expression.

Going about the rest of my day was almost painful. My brain kept drifting. What I would wear, what we'd do for the night, if Bucky would kiss me that night. The last thought was what always snapped me back to what I was supposed to be focusing on. I had lost all sense of logic.

What happened to being sure that I knew better?

I had never made my walk home so quickly.

I spent ages looking through my clothes. I then realized that Bucky never said what the plans were tonight. I didn't know if I should've looked formal or casual or somewhere in the middle.

Somewhere in the middle was safe. Right? Maybe?

I hated not knowing.

But it's fine. Everything was fine.

It only took me ripping everything out of my wardrobe, putting it back, and then ripping it out again to figure out what I wanted to wear. Yup, perfectly fine.

After picking up my place and finally managing to grin at myself in the mirror, I placed myself firmly in my seat and waited.

I noted that despite the chaos, I had managed to be incredibly early.

I watched the clock move slowly.

I watched seven o'clock arrive. There was no knock at the door. No charming greeting waiting for me on the other side. There was nothing but the sound of my own heart beat and breathing.

I watched as ten minutes passed then thirty and then an hour.

My heart kept dropping farther and farther.

No. No.

Bucky was a lot of things. Cocky, a flirt, stubborn. But he wasn't mean. He wouldn't make plans with me and then leave me high and dry. He couldn't. There would have to be some kind of explanation. Some excuse.

My mind thought of every other time I saw Bucky with someone on his arm. Every single person that suddenly seemed so much better than me.

I felt like a ghost. No personality or physical form or independent thought. Just a thing that existed. That hovered around, even when unwanted.

The tears that filled my eyes as the night went on were humiliating.

It was ridiculous to feel this way. Bucky didn't owe me anything. Not really.

I fell asleep while curled up in my chair. Tears dried on my face, eyes puffy, and lips cracked from my constant biting to try to get those tears to stop.

The next morning was hell.

I had to pull myself out of my seat, which was met with cramped muscles and cracking bones. I pulled my carefully chosen outfit off like it now truly meant nothing to me at all. I washed my face like it would undo the tears falling if I scrubbed hard enough. None of it changed how I felt. How miserable I was.

I made it out of the house later than usual.

I had never been so determined to just go through the motions of a day.

But again, the universe decided to play a game at my expense.

"There you are!"

I didn't jump this time. I just continued walking.

I hated how easily I recognized Bucky's voice. I hated that he could pick me out of a crowd so easily that I couldn't hide from him. I hated that those facts both impacted me more than they truly should have.

"(Y/n)! (Y/n)! Wait!"

I still didn't acknowledge him.

"Oh, for the love..."

I suddenly found my wrist being grabbed as I was pulled down a nearby alleyway. Just far enough that any conversation was hidden from the crowd on the sidewalk and road.

I shoved against Bucky's chest, freeing my wrist from him.

"You've got some nerve, Barnes," I snapped at him.

"I needed to talk to you-"

I was seething at his calmness. "You ditch me last night and then act like you deserve any of my time the next day? That's bold. Even for you."

"I'm sorry," he muttered. "I didn't mean to do that."

"Oh, I'm sure," I replied, sarcasm dripping from every word.

There was a pause as he gave me a sad look. He was clearly searching for something to say.

"What were you expecting, Bucky? That I would promise that it wasn't a big deal? That it was all fine? It wasn't. You left me. Alone. That was rude... cruel"

Another pause. Like he already knew exactly what he had done wrong, but only now realizing how deeply his mistake had hit me.

"Are you embarrassed of me?" I mumbled after a moment.

Bucky looked at me like I had two heads.

"It'd make sense, wouldn't it?" I looked down at my hands now. "Being friends with me is one thing because Steve gives you a buffer. But being with me, alone in public? That's too far. Too many people would have an opinion."

"Where did you get that idea?" he seemed offended.

My eyes snapped back to him. "When you left me on my own! Had a lot of time to think then!"

He jumped when I raised my voice.

I looked away from him.

"(Y/n), I never wanted to leave you on your own," he explained. "I did everything I could to get there, but it was an emergency. My folks needed my help. By the time I did get away, you wouldn't open your door."

I closed my eyes immediately, not even bothering to mutter about how vague his excuse was or how I was likely asleep by the time he showed up.

"Please look at me," he begged. I heard the gravel shift under him as he stepped forward. "Give me a chance to fix this."

I finally looked at him. "I can't go through that again-"

"Then I'll make it up to you right now. No more waiting."

"Bucky..."

"I'm being serious," he pushed. "I will spend this whole day with you showing you how bad I want you."

I shook my head.

"You know that I'm not giving up on this."

"Yeah, it'd damage your ego."

He chuckled. "I was hoping to be called stubborn, but sure."

When I didn't speak up again, Bucky seemed to get a little antsy. He started glancing around the alleyway, as if he were looking to see if anyone was watching. My heart dropped a bit. I was right.

And then, he grabbed my hand and started pulling me back down the alley.

"You can't just pull me around whenever you want," I snapped at him, going to pull my arm away from him.

"Just give me a second," he argued, tightening his hold on me. "Trying to prove something."

I stumbled to a stop with him back in the middle of the sidewalk. He looked around the crowded space. I didn't. I just stared at him.

He smiled when he looked back at me. That infuriating smile that made my heart race at a stupid speed. The one that could've gotten me to forgive him with no explanation if he just let me see it for long enough. The one that reminded me how much of a fool I was.

I was so focused on his smile that I didn't pay attention to anything else he was doing.

I didn't see how his eyes jumped between every part of my face. I didn't notice his hand dropping mine. I didn't notice that he was suddenly touching my sides. I didn't notice him getting closer to me until I could feel his breath on my face.

"Bucky..."

He shushed me quietly. "Just give me a second."

His lips touched mine a moment later.

My mind went so fast that it almost gave me a headache. I fought between pushing him away or pulling him closer. I didn't know what to do with my hands.

All of those worries didn't seem to be enough to stop me from slowly kissing him back. As if it were natural. As if I had done it countless times before. It had all been a matter of when and not if.

He pulled back first, looking almost as shocked as I was by the moment we just shared.

"I would never be embarrassed of you," he said. "Never. You are one of the best things in my life. I would never be able to forgive myself if I screwed up everything between us right as I'm finally getting my chance with you."

My words got caught in my throat as my face heated up.

"I... I am completely in love with you," he added, pressing his forehead against mine. "You don't have to say it back. You don't have to say anything at all. All I ask is for a few hours to make up for last night. Please."

I finally found my words and finally managed to get them to come out of my mouth, "I think I can make that work."

He smiled again as I chuckled to myself. This smile wasn't infuriating this time. It was lovestruck. Completely and utterly lovestruck. And then I noticed that it looked the same as every single smile he’d ever sent my way.

I took a deep breath, letting some of my fear roll off my shoulders. "I love you too, Bucky."

His smile widened as he leaned in and pressed another kiss to my lips. Shorter and softer. Maybe living a life where I was only friends with Bucky wouldn't be as fine as I originally thought it would be.

-------------------

Tag Lists:

Overall - @geeksareunique @daisydark

-------------------

Some Important Causes:

GLAAD - LGBTQIA+ Organization

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

CHIRLA - Coalition for Humane Immigrant Rights

Palestinian Red Crescent Society

[bi-bard]

Thank you for including me! ❤️

The Pitt Masterlist

⭒ Jack Abbot ⭒ Part 02 ⭒ Part 3

⭒ Michael 'Robby' Robinavitch  ⭒ Part 02

Dr. Frank Langdon

⭒ I Blinked and Suddenly, I Had a Valentine by @bi-bard

⭒ Best of wives by @mercvry-glow

⭒ Masterlist by @thepencilnerd

⭒ Masterlist by @kilojulietsierra