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Chest Dysphoria

So I’ve been thinking a lot about it and where mine really stems from and what triggers it. And I think being more involved in the trans community is the thing. Going to trans events and since I present masc I’m automatically assumed to want top surgery. That all the friends I created that weren’t feminine had some sort of chest dysphoria seemed welcoming at first. But it kinda made it worse. Having so many folks that bind, wanted top surgery, or had it made seem like there were few options when it came to my chest. Sure there are some trans guys and non-binary types that go shirtless pre-op only censoring themselves because of social media rules. But there are very few, and the atmosphere is very different than when I’m with the few new friends I’ve met that just want to free the nipple and desexualize breast. 

This is a topic I’ve thought about a lot over the past two years, ever since I was at a pool party and some folks didn’t wear bikini tops but just trunks, and it was cool. But I hesitated to do so. I brought it up with my best friend who’s trans and his reaction of who was topless, kinda made me reel back. That this group and him may not mesh well. Anyways kinda had a falling out with him for other reasons, and have been hanging out with these free the nipple types, and I can feel a weight slowly lifting. I’ve been paying attention to andro models who have appeared topless, and that have breast bigger than the standard barely there A cup and don’t hide it. It’s not like they’re going out of their way to embrace them or trying to push them envelope by presenting masculine with breast but just disregard them. And maybe I just need to see more people presenting like this and direct my attention away from so many people who’s chest dysphoria isn’t something they can easily overcome.

It’s a weird place to be and Idk how to feel about it. Because these people aren’t really toxic. I don’t want to silence them. I just don’t want to be triggered. I can only compare it to a reason why I didn’t allow myself close to a lot girls. I do have body image issues. I know I’m pretty thin, but the thought of gaining weight terrified. My personal standards keeping me at a weight that is a bit underweight. I noticed early on that if I opened up to a girl about these insecurities they couldn’t really comfort me without it having an effect on them and their weight and how they viewed themselves. My obsessive eating habits made them look at their own habits, and my ability to apply logic and reason made it worse. I still have a lot to process on this subject though

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Lady Cultura

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Bre’on & Kole by Von

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Literally at this point where I don’t see myself capable of romantic relationship at all. I feel like a mess of jumbled thoughts most of the time. It’s like I woke up from my playboy dream and now find no meaning in romantic relationship nor seeking one out. I have a few dating apps, and get messages from girls that should pique my interest. Then I ask where is this gonna go? A relationship I’m not ready for,  or a one night stand that I thought I put behind me. So I say I’ll only indulge with girls I really connect with in person but find myself in the same dilemma. I know it’s because I care what people think and I don’t want people to think I’m someone always on the hunt. I want to have fun single, but don’t feel like I can do that without some reputation coming along with it. And I don’t just want to jump into a relationship with someone, I already did that and it was a total mess but taught me a few things. 

My friend said something though. That I only just thought about. She called me a lamb in a wolfs clothing. Now neither of us thinks of me as that innocent, But I took from the convo that I’m not as bad as I think am, not do I need to present in such a tough or standoffish way. And I don’t have to present too innocent because no one truly believes that and I would seem like a wolf in sheepskin, but that I should be the cunning fox that steals eggs from the chicken coop... haha I’m not sure about the last part but it does give the idea to stop playing someone I’m not. That even though I am androgynous and don’t like the masculine stereotypes in the community, that I still play by them a bit. But that game is not me at all. I am soft and super sensitive. I notice the slightest thing, but try not show them because I don’t want any to think I’m digging for a reason to be hurt or make them the bad guy. I hate to even make people feel the slightest inconvenience, because then I might see a sign of regret and maybe they don’t really feel regret or it only lasted a second but if I see it than I’ll feel awful, so I run through hurdles to keep something down the line from happening. But does that mean I can’t be soft and super sensitive, little spoon, stand on the bed screaming for you to kill a moth, and still be read as masculine? Or does that mean I should identify as something else?

Just a lot of random thoughts on how I present physical and behavior wise. I think I want to appear logical and easy to understand because I don’t like explaining certain stuff about myself. There are many labels and identities, and it feels like the meanings behind them are constantly changing or being challenged. It seems that more people are willing to redefine something than create a whole new term and using the other word for reference. Especially when they’re are people who still strongly identify with it. Also think it has something to do with everyone wanting to be a apart of everything. Some terms, still stick with its definition like butch/stud but then there are others that generally inclusive of anyone that chooses it.

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Steph

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Tré for @b-o-i-culture // by Zhamak

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Something I’ve been trying to get a grasp is the feelings of hate or whatever you want to call it aimed at back at cis folks from trans people. It kinda mirrors when a poc says they just can’t fuck with white people. Except it’s sort of off. It’s like yeah trans folks are justified in their feelings towards their oppressors too, but the difference is there’s soo much gray area, and new knowledge I mostly don’t understand the attitude like all the information is common knowledge when it’s not even common knowledge within the community. Like when it comes to the difference of transgender vs transexual and wether one is just a dated term but then you’ll find many individuals who identify with this dated term. Or Just people fucking up and saying transgendered/transgenders and coming down on them like this something that we’ve been going over with for years. I can understand if individuals don’t want constantly be a dictionary for people and always answer the same questions though.

I guess I mean it’s not the same type of ignorance, because the information isn’t as clear and available. I’ve gone to trans events and felt excluded as soon as I said I had no intentions on a physical transition, and was just unsure of my gender but was pretty sure I’m not a man and don’t think of myself as a girl. But I guess this is mostly a tumblr thing where it seems like if you don’t identify as nonbinary/queer/pansexual person than it’s like you probably have a problematic thought on the subject or something. I guess my original point I was making is the hate made towards cis people can’t really be generalized because the ignorance I see from white people is from a system they’ve created to keep my people and tons of minorities out of power. The underlying problems for transphobia and all the hate I believe comes from having a system built against women and having such an unequal view of them. If people truly view women in the same manner as man, then less hate would come to trans women right? it wouldn’t be seen as giving up power as I’ve seen some cis women say, it would just be a person being their true selves and you wouldn’t have to think of how to treat them different how to go about these things in the world... i’ll come back to this I think I’m losing my train of thought on this subject as others push their way into my mind.

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Even though there’s no definite way to “look” gay I still get a bit offended when it’s assumed I’m straight. Like I feel like I take a risk to present myself in a manner that is true to me, and people with their heads way to far up their asses just comment something to get a rise out of me. Like when I started dressing more masculine as an adult I got less and less questions about that boyfriend. And I feel like everyone has always had that one cousin everyone knew was gay but no one brought it up nor their relationship status. My mom’s generation had it and they were baby boomers. What got me thinking is when guys hit on me, at first I tried to excuse it as maybe they just don’t know. But now I’m thinking maybe they’re challenged by my masculinity. 

Younger guys have complimented me in ways we’re it came off that they just appreciated my style, or comment somewhere along of the line of me being able to pull girls. And I’m commonly read as male, even as feminine guy before it hits them. And I can’t remember where, but I saw something that was like what do guys get from cat calling most don’t actually expect a woman to show interest, then it went on that is was just an expression of power and masculinity. And that makes more sense in my case, because it’ll confuse me the most where I’m read as male all day then some guy decided spit out a “hey lil mama” and I look to the nearest cute girl but nope, he was talking to me. Thinking about this has helped me feel a little less bothered by it though. Like I think I’m largely not really bothered by nor feel the need to correct people about when they think I’m a boy is because it was used on me as an insult when I was younger. I mean the fact that I question my gender is another reason. But I guess when it comes to me it just doesn’t feel like someone is trying to invalidate me. Like many will do when trying to insult a woman whether she’s cis or trans. Just little thoughts.

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TrilllHippy

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Enya

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KayMarie

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Lately I find myself bored of a certain friend. I see them trying but it’s too late. And I can feel myself slowly pushing them away. It’s weird to admit that I’m bored of them. But that’s what it really comes down to. They were part of a wild chapter of my life, then it went on with me always reaching out to them and feeling like I was in an unequal friendship of always giving. It’s difficult to lookout how my day or weekend went and realize the moments when I brushed them off, or just said stuff without my friendly filter that I have for them. I realized that having version of yourself that’s filtered for someone that’s like a best friend isn’t what I need to do especially if I’m not talking about in mean/harsh way, but just in that I tone myself down in a lot of ways from just being goofy and just that free excitement feeling when you see friends and it’s gets embarrassing for a sec. Not to mention we have so few things in common, since I barely drink anymore. This doesn’t mean I hate clubs/bars, just that if I go to one I don’t want the same choice out the five we’ve been going to for the past 2yrs when we live in a huge city with a variety of bars that are cool to check out at least once. I saw them try to get into a few tv shows I watch, and when I’m really focused on other stuff and chilling with other people they’ll bring it up. But it all feels so forced now with them. Like they must have like a set of flashcards when talking to me. And the trying too hard always put me off when meeting new people. It’s a bit fucked, because I’m aware of all this. I have anxiety, depression, and a few other mental illnesses that make me more than aware for what it’s like for someone with any of these and the how difficult it can make a friendship. But then I remember this person suffers from none of them. That this person has gotten upset with me when they felt left out once, and when I pointed out whole months and time periods where it was the other way around the didn’t comment on it but just said them being upset was a bit over the top. I guess I just needed to get this out because I can feel myself loosing that part where you’re supposed to be there for your friends and I’m not even sorry about it. Like yeah in a serious manner I’ll try to help, but I can barely fake it anymore, I’m stressing, it’s blocking me, I’m not growing, idk..

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Kanda

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Angela