chasingokay

[chasingokay]

Ya know feels. 7/29/25

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7/16/25

[chasingokay]

I’m sorry, I love you.

07/11/25

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Fuck. July 2.

How do you not remember?

What the fuck

[chasingokay]

6/29/25

8:15

[chasingokay]

Desire can look messy sometimes I guess.

[chasingokay]

Fricks. 5/4/25 2:38am

Ain’t slept in days. Been falling asleep for a hour or less at a time. Since that Thursday. Since I wasn’t emotional enough I guess. I hold myself together all too well to be fucked up according to some people, but they aren’t flies on the wall at 3am. They aren’t here when the rest of the world sleeps and all I have is myself and the weight of the things I bare for someone who doesn’t lose any sleep over his choices that brought us here.

[chasingokay]

[chasingokay]

Random meme dump for yall

[chasingokay]

Random shit that hits lately. Give me a long drag of a cigarette or something.

[chasingokay]

Fuck.

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03/21/25

It’s been over a year now. I feel like I’m not getting any better or any stronger. I constantly feel like I will buckle under pressure of basic life, basic emotions. The things everyone else does so simply, not second guess. My family and friends have noticed. I fight the urge daily to just say the most horrendous things I can think of to cut everyone off, to make them all stop giving a shit. I haven’t, but I think deep down I want to. I know it’s not okay, it’s just that I’m not okay. Not now. Not ever. Not anymore. Maybe one day, guess we will see.

[chasingokay]

03/10/25

If one thing is clear I am fucked up because of him. Because I got into a situationship with my therapist. And I think it’s taken me far too long to see how fucked that whole thing is. I trusted someone to hear me, see me, to guide me through shit. And I’m stuck in a whirlwind of emotions. Like mostly confusion on what to do with all the feelings, where do they go? Where do I place the rage, not only the rage but the love and the weight of losing someone who I was so close to. That was my therapist, but also the lines were crossed many times before we became sexual. So that was also my best friend, like the person I told everything to. Down right to fucking reading my journals throughout my life together, him and I. That was and still is a hard loss. The complicated things that have come from this whole situation. Start to finish. I’d be lying if I said I’m okay and I’m coming out of this mess just fine. I’m not. I haven’t been okay. I have nightmares. I barely sleep. Dropped out of school. I’m scared to leave my house. I drown nearly every day in the weight I carry, I’m too exhausted to fight. I just hold my breath. Clinch my fists. Swallow my pain. Hold it together for the kids.

[chasingokay]

2/17/25

The noise in my head has been constant, consistent, and chaotic. Lately, it’s too loud to focus on much else. I try to let it pass. I try to not make sense of it all. I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay. I’m not even sure if I ever will be again at this point. I have an ignorant amount of hope. I am losing the battle, regardless of the hope. More often than not, the hope is that it all ends.

The sun doesn’t rise anymore and that’s it.

Lights out. Go home. Forget me.

Leave me back there where you had me

Because I am absolutely nothing now

And I’m starting to see I’ve been nothing since

I am right here still

[chasingokay]