cluster-c-chloe

[cluster-c-chloe]

There is only one way I would believe God exists.

I want him brought before me cuffed in solid steel chains, alive.

I want him unmoving and kneeling before me.

I want to look him dead in the eyes so that he can see true hatred staring back at him.

I want to feed him soap and sludge, and nail him by the wrists to a fine piece of oak.

I want a spear in my hands that has been finely rusted, and a second one in case the first breaks.

I want him to feel the pain of one million souls all at once with every stab, and for him to apologize for each one he abandoned.

I want to see him defecate and vomit not once but thrice.

I want him to regret. I want him to beg. I want him to fear the mankind he created.

I want to light a fire beneath him that burns blue.

I want his body and spirit to no longer exist above or below.

Only then will I believe.

[cluster-c-chloe]

Just a reminder that I am worthless.

Thank you.

[cluster-c-chloe]

A few months ago, I finally figured it out...

So, I'm in a relationship now...and all I had to do was NOT be myself.

We're happy together. By completely lying about who I am.

So many years have gone by, with me believing I needed to be myself. To be genuine. To be open and honest.

I would like to confirm that today, I'm probably the happiest I've ever been with someone by lying and manipulating the truth.

All that time working on myself and putting the best of me forward meant nothing. Nobody cared. Nobody reciprocated any time or care I put in.

All I had to do was lie and suddenly someone is in my arms. Suddenly I have someone I can talk to, to care for.

I'm floored by how simple it was.

So many books and articles read. So many friends, family, and coaches talked to. All of that was a waste of time.

I lied about my hobbies, my past, my interests, my beliefs, my hopes, my dreams....and suddenly I have someone.

I just cloaked any genuine part of who I am and suddenly I have someone here with me.

I don't care to go back to that old understanding of "Just better yourself. Someday someone will see your effort."

I started treating relationships like job interviews. Just tell them what they want to hear. Qualified or not, just get it. Perspective is simply stronger than truth.

I know now that any actual part of me has no value. I artificially created someone new for others to take interest in and it's working. I found happiness. And I am MORE than happy to admit this.

Even if this relationship falls apart I am no longer worried. I can just lie again for the next one. It wouldn't take long to find someone else.

At this point, I don't even care for a long term relationship. If I'm meant to just swing from heart to heart I'm satisfied.

Everything is just a lie. Love, God, and the value of the human heart...

The sun actually feels warm today.

[cluster-c-chloe]

One day, a good friend told me "Some people in this world are just meant to be alone."

It was hard to hear at first. Especially from someone so close. But after days became months, and those months turned into years, I realized it had to have been the truth I needed.

The concentrated effort put in by some individuals to seek relationships, a bond, or a future is futile.

It's better to accept how worthless you truly are. How worthless one's heart can be.

To be cheated, abused, or thrown away by a partner was not their fault. It was simply mine. For believing. For hoping. For thinking for a moment that I "had something to offer."

It doesn't matter how much time was put in working on yourself, the said relationship, or your outlook on life. Failure was always guaranteed.

To continue making an attempt in this regard is equivalent to smashing your head against a brick wall hoping it'll get softer.

I know now that it can definitely get worse. A select few are meant to experience love and happiness. The rest of us, the opposite.

This is my resignation letter from love. I know my place now. It's to remain in void and isolation.

I'm sorry for trying. I'm sorry for existing. I'm sorry for not realizing the truth sooner.

[cluster-c-chloe]

"Curtains"

Even if I opened a window of opportunity, there's still something in the way.

A pall, woven for me in the void.

You came to me, gently. Asked me to open up.

I eventually did, but...

Neither of us could move it, could we?

You could see all of me, but my heart was still shrouded by something.

We opened many windows together. But that damned veil.

It was to protect me; from light that just always seemed to hurt me.

It blocked the light emitted from you. Anyone.

You tried to become a light ever shinning. You aimed to be so bright it wouldn't matter what enveloped my heart.

But time...

All stars eventually fade.

The windows began to close again.

I saw your radiance simmer down.

I saw the light cast through the dormers fade to black. Until I was simply surrounded by those dark walls of doubt again.

If only I was strong enough to rip these cursed things.

I'm sorry you peered through, and saw the hopeless nothing that was me.

I lock this pane, so that I won't cause anymore pain to you.

[cluster-c-chloe]

Every route to "love" will lead to a dead end and eventually dissipate into ash. It's a bitter taste worth getting used to.

Aphrodite was a myth created by schleppers to help them understand feeling rather than rational. It's a primitive notion that has failed to evolve.

[cluster-c-chloe]

The "C" in Training

Picture a Dog.

Born. No fault of its own.

What a digusting creature.

Give it nothing.

KICK it into a white room and lock the door.

A new door opens. Food and water wait behind it.

A natural need. Dog goes to eat.

A violent SHOCK as it passes the threshold of the door.

After, it can claim its reward.

Happily?

As days pass, you up the voltage.

As months pass, you write down data.

Result?

Creature doesn't seem to want to eat.

At least, not as often.

Dog only wants to sleep.

Probably just lazy. Lack of exercise perhaps.

Dog wriggles violently in her sleep.

Cries when she wakes up.

Won't stop shaking when she's up.

Even faces away from the food while sleeping.

Why?

How did a basic need become such pain?

Pathetic.

The dog should just have changed her perspective on life.

She has shelter and food.

So, why is she so ungrateful?

It's just a simple shock. A stonger creature could simply get over this.

A few more months pass.

Dog stops eating almost entirely.

Not receiving results from the subject in a timely manner anymore.

Disappointing.

Mark the subject as a failure.

[cluster-c-chloe]

The "C" in Alone.

If you come across one of us.

The afflicted and cursed.

I'm sorry.

Our strength to continue, is little to none.

Pathetic. Weak.

And we wander aimlessly at night.

If we're encountered?

Distance is drawn.

Not for you. Mostly for us.

For us, it's a natural ritual. To others, foreign.

We do this for survival and for the sake of others.

Knowing one of us is unnecessary.

Going on thinking there's a solution for us is pointless.

We're broken.

If you offer a hand to one of us, it will freeze.

Our hearts are cold, void of emotion.

Unlovable. Numb.

All that can be felt is permafrost.

Leave us.

We are animals that should be put off to the side of the road, and left for the elements to take us.

Perfect euthanasia.

The best I can offer the world is solitude from it.

You're welcome.

[cluster-c-chloe]

"Wish I could prove I love you But does that mean I have to walk on water?" -Hiakru Utada

The "C" in Drowning.

You came to me one day and asked "What would it take to have your heart open again? To prove that I do love you. To prove that you deserve it."

A question I've asked myself many times. What does it take to remedy the curse?

I approached you and took a deep breath. Took your right hand and held it softly. I closed my eyes to picture where I was, and do you remember what I said?

"You would need to dive deep. And pull me and my heart from that trench. Recover me; lost, drowned, asphyxiated, in the Mariana and bring me to shore."

I let your hand go.

You continued to hold mine.

"I promise" you said.

That moment I fell in. Heart as anchor.

You followed.

Fathoms. Hopes.

Rescue turned into a suicide mission.

You swam ever closer.

I kept sinking faster.

You saw me swim too. As best I could, with the strength had left.

You managed to touch my hand again.

Limp.

You swam us back.

We arrived to shore.

What came of it?

All of it. Just to see me smile. Once.

So much pain for that one step.

Nobody should endure that pain to rescue someone so diseased.

You proved your worth. Kept your promise.

I proved to be dead weight. Became more of a burden than what it was worth.

As I drown again, I know you're not coming this time. That was then.

I can hold my breath a bit longer. Until a spirit like you comes back to drown with me once more.

...I'm sinking again.

[cluster-c-chloe]

Cursed with a melted expression.

[cluster-c-chloe]

The "C" in Trust.

When I was with you, I was not trying to deceive.

I was trying, desperately.

To feel. To be open.

You were gentle, sweet.

Layers peeled away slowly, but they kept growing back.

This task, to see a pitiful flower bloom. Bless you.

I swear I was trying. I needed you to trust me.

But for how long? What did I need?

You gave so much. I could only give the best I could.

You trusted me completely. I couldn't even trust myself.

I took advantage, because I offered nothing. I was nothing.

There was a echo of safety in your eyes. I desperately tried to chase it.

It would vanish into that looming void.

I'm sorry.

I want to give every second back to you.

If I could go back and just not be, trust me, I would.

[cluster-c-chloe]

[cluster-c-chloe]

"Cluster"

Those "moments" could not be enjoyed. They could only be ruminated in.

Any smile that would be there was always quick to fade.

Numb. No joy. No trust.

"You're looking out into the distance." they said. They're concerned. For the nothing that is left of me.

That parroted cliché leaves my lips. "I'm just tired."

Always staring out into an endless void that looks made just for me. Do I welcome it? Perhaps it would understand. I feel like I belong there instead.

You held my hand and said it would be ok. I wish I could have felt truth in that moment.

That spark to trust again. Always being smothered.

The world has filled me with an unshakable doubt.

How does one give part of themselves to others when all is broken? And who would even want it?

A disgusting broken creature, that deserves no less than euthanasia.

I want to feel again. In every aspect.

But to get to that point.

To be vulnerable, and know it's real. How?

To be in that spot again, to realize there isn't anything I can offer. Anything I deserve in return.

The further the pursuit, the farther I get from you.

That desire to love was replaced with the need to survive.

You deserved better than that!

A physiology adapted to avoid first. Ask questions later.

I'm sorry...it wasn't you!

Indifference, toward a world, that has given little reassurance.

Is there truly something out there for everyone?

...Is it too late for me to find the cure and find out?

What gives me the right to be cured? A worthless parasite.

I saw that moment in your eyes when you gave up on me.

I shattered to pieces.

I'm convinced this is uncurbable.

But I appreciate you. Truly. for trying.

[cluster-c-chloe]

If there is a light at the end of that tunnel. It is too faint.

If there was hope to be offered, the message was not recieved.

If there was a second chance for the worhtless, it must be delayed for someone more deserving.

It's getting dark again. I'd ask for help, but I give up...

Not worth a thought. Not worth the hand.

Only wothless.

[cluster-c-chloe]

[cluster-c-chloe]

"Melancholy" is the only thing to embrace. To expect disarray and suffering is more commendable. Hanging on to "hopes and dreams" just leaves people in a state of disillusion; lying to themselves expecting a resolution to the woes that will always be there.

[cluster-c-chloe]

"Don't worry. It will only get worse."