dickmovesinhistory

[dickmovesinhistory]

J.D. Salinger: The Catcher in the WHYYYYYY?

This is J.D. Salinger:

In 1951 JD Salinger wrote a book that you may have heard of called The Catcher in the Rye. It was an immediate popular success, especially among the youth of our great nation.

The youth totally liked it because it had some naughty bits in it and it was 1951.

He wasn’t a one hit wonder, though. He went on to write Nine Stories and Franny and Zooey, both to more critical acclaim. He is regarded today as one of the greatest writers of the 20th century.

Oh, and he also fought in WWII, which most people also regard as quite an accomplishment.

That all sounds great! Let’s just end this entry here because I’m sure he never did anything strange and terrible like completely isolate his family due to his own eccentricities... Wait for it... WAIT FOR IT...

Yeah, so that happened. In 1955, Salinger married a woman named Claire Douglas. Shortly after they were wed, they left the island of Manhattan for an entirely comparable remote and isolated cabin in the country.

Oh, and he made her burn all of her letters and cut off contact with her friends and family.

He became even more weird the longer he was in isolation. He drank his own urine (by CHOICE) and sat on a box that he believed to have healing properties called an Orgone.

And we could probably say at this point, “To each his own, let the man drink pee and sit on a box! His wife can leave if she wants! Pass the gravy!” The problem is, he had two kids that also had to believe in his special brand of homeopathy. Whenever his children were ill, they were treated to an invigorating round of acupuncture. But not with needles. With wooden dowels.

Yep. And when they screamed in pain, he realized the error of his ways and consoled them and never did it again.

NOPE. Just kidding, he totally flew into a rage and was a huge asshole about it.

While we appreciate your work, when it comes to being a loving family man, we call it like we see it, Salinger. 

[dickmovesinhistory]

Philippe Petit: Tightropin', Ho-Gropin' Dope

This is Philippe Petit:

He is a French acrobat and high-wire artist who gained fame and notoriety after illegally walking a tightrope between the two towers of the newly constructed World Trade Center in 1974.

Yeah. True story.

His journey to that shocking feat is nearly as exciting as the death-defying act itself. It all began back years earlier while Petit was reading an article about the construction of the World Trade Center in a dentist's office.

He was like "oh, two towers that are next to each other and EXACTLY the same height?"

He immediately decided that he'd attempt to walk a tightrope between them. Most of his friends and family were like

But he had some devoted companions who helped him train, finance, and plan this amazing feat. One of them, was his steadfast girlfriend, Annie Allix.

For years, she helped him devise the perfect plan, and finally, on August 7, 1974, the two of them (along with a small crew of assistants-for-hire) smuggled Petit past the security guards and set up the wire between the buildings.

...and he DID IT. He walked between the towers!

Of course, someone saw him and called the NYPD, who forced him off the wire. But after he was apprehended by the authorities, Petit was like

...and the police were like

..because, COME ON, this dude just walked between two buildings on a rope without a net and didn't die.

Annie waited in their hotel room while Petit made his official statement to the police. He was released a couple of hours later, and there was a media frenzy

...and one slutty fan who approached Petit, gave him a hug and whispered "I want to celebrate with you." Which is about the smoothest pickup line since

...and so Annie, who had provided him with so much love, support and encouragement, continued to wait alone in that hotel room while Philippe Petit celebrated their achievement by having sex with a total stranger.

Philippe Petit, that was such a

[dickmovesinhistory]

William Shakespeare: Insane in the Grain

This is William Shakespeare:

You probably know him from his work as the most famous English language playwright of all time, ever. Also, dudes from the late '90s called, and they want to thank him for all the action they got after taking their dates to any one of these films:

You're welcome, fellas.

Shakespeare was incredibly popular in his day, and made an enviable living as a writer and poet in England.

In 1607, he wrote a tragedy titled 'Coriolanus'

...grow up, Cate Blanchett. 'Coriolanus' was a topical piece that was inspired by a peasant revolt in England.

It's okay, Hamlet. Let me explain: the revolt was instigated by hard-working peasants who were being bankrupted by wealthy landowners who were hoarding grain, barley, and malt...

...and selling them at an extravagant rate. The common folk were like...

However, these peasants took heart and celebrated Shakespeare's 'Coriolanus' for addressing these issues...

...little did they know, their beloved William Shakespeare was REPEATEDLY prosecuted and fined for illegal hoarding...

...and tax evasion...

By combining both illegal and legal activities, Shakespeare was able to retire in 1613 as the largest property owner in his home town.

His profits - minus a few fines for the illegal hoarding and tax evasion - meant he had a working life of just 24 years.

Shut up, Shakespeare. That was such a 

[dickmovesinhistory]

Pablo Picasso: Cubism? More like Dickism.

This is Pablo Picasso:

We all know that Pablo Picasso is the Spanish born French artist dude who, along with his contemporary Georges Braque, invented cubism. This meant that the world was treated to a new way to look at itself. A new, cubey way.

What we all may not know -- unless we decided when we were 18 that it would be a really good use of time and money to go to art school --

...is that Picasso was a child prodigy, creating absolute masterpieces at the age of 15.

He then went on to become the most prolific of all the artists associated with Modern Art, racking up an impressive 25,000 pieces in the span of his career. Very impressive, no?

We certainly thought so. Now. Down to brass tacks. Genius often begets eccentricities, as well as a very strong lust for life. Many artists of Picasso's renown are like

Unless they live in France like Picasso did. In which case, they're more like

In fact, we probably expect a certain level of womanizing and rampant sexual deviancy even in the most married artists, right? Picasso is rumored to have over 100 lovers in his lifetime, most of them one or two night stands.

So it should come as no surprise that this bread fingered lothario used to alert the ladies to his intentions by presenting them with a golden figurine of a man with a huge boner.

Yeah, okay. So that’s a little weird. But at least he never made two women, one of which who had just bore him a child, wrestle over him in his studio...

Ugh, he totally did, didn't he?

Yeah. This was shortly after he (at age 54) had a child with 17-year-old Marie-Thérèse Walter. This obviously wasn’t enough happiness for him, so he took up with a 29-year-old  half-Yugoslavian, half-French photographer named Dora Maar.

He did a good job of keeping them unaware of each other until they met one day by accident in his studio. It was at that point that Marie-Thérèse asked him to choose between the two of them.

Picasso, being a real mensch, informed the two ladies that he was quite happy with things the way they were, and that he would not be making a choice. He told them that they would have to fight it out for themselves. So they began to wrestle right there in his studio.

Dora won, and stayed with Picasso. This meant that Marie-Thérèse and her newborn child had to move out of the house.

Picasso is quoted as having said,  regarding this incident, “It’s one of my choicest memories.”

We have to agree with Dora Maar when she said to her lover, ‘As an artist you may be extraordinary, but morally speaking you are worthless.’

[dickmovesinhistory]

Mother Teresa: House of Pain

This is Mother Teresa:

You may know her from her efforts to offer free care for the poor in Calcutta. Or for winning a Nobel Peace Prize. Or for being considered for Catholic sainthood.

She opened many charitable hospice houses called Homes For The Dying.

Yes, yes: that is totally your name. Homes For The Dying.

However, Mother Teresa held the unfortunate opinion that suffering would bring people closer to Jesus.

According to one critic, in her Homes For The Dying, one could "hear the screams of people having maggots tweezered from their open wounds without pain relief."

Evidently, strong painkillers weren't administered even in extreme cases because Mother Teresa believed it's 'the most beautiful gift for a person that he can participate in the sufferings of Christ'."

In addition to this sadistic faux-Christian agenda, these Homes For The Dying were also cited for the following practices...

1. the reuse of hypodermic needles,

2.  Employing volunteer nuns with no medical background, and discouraging them from advancing their knowledge of patient care techniques (by banning secular literature and newspapers, etc.)

3. refusing to help the needy when they approached the volunteers/sisters at the "wrong" time (according to the prescribed schedule.)

4. punishing patients for disobeying these batty rules by secluding them (away from their family and friends) in their times of need.

5. Using the MILLIONS of dollars donated to her cause to convert people in third-world countries to Christianity rather than helping the inhabitants of her faltering Homes For The Dying.

So yeah, even Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta is capable of a horrifying 

[dickmovesinhistory]

The Ninth Legion of Rome: Rome Wasn't Built in a DAYUM!

This is the Roman Army:

Well, it's a bunch of Roman Army re-enactors, actually.

Anyway...Rome was basically in charge of the whole world, and needed a sweet team of excellent warriors to defeat the Picts in Britain.

The Ninth Legion of Rome was formed in BCE 65 and fought in Hispania and Gaul before taking part in Claudius's invasion of Britain in CE 43.

The legion then helped maintain the Roman empire's grip of Britain although it suffered a serious defeat during Boudicca's rebellion in CE 61.

Then, around CE 117, the dissenting Picts ambushed them, and all mentions of the legion vanish.

There are several documented possibilities about what became of the remaining members of the Ninth Legion. They may have been disbanded and sent to fight other Legions...

...they may have been retired from duty and housed off the battlefront...

They may have started the first dental practice in Britain...

...or not.

A generally accepted theory is that the Ninth Legion were nearly wholly executed by the Pict army...

...leaving only a small handful of survivors who, starving, wounded, and freezing, finally made it to the Roman camp beyond Hadrian's newly erected Wall.

The camp welcomed the war-weary soldiers with open arms, fed and clothed them, and provided them with warm and comfortable accommodations. The Romans were like...

However, because the Roman generals knew that word of this massive defeat would result in disillusionment among the citizens of their falling empire, they needed to conceive of a way to keep this failure on the DL.

They didn't go through many options before realizing that their best option was to murder the soldiers who had survived the ordeal.

I know, right? So one night, they poisoned the wine, killed these heroes, and reported that the Ninth Legion had "gone missing" in the fogs of Caledonia.

Although this is just one theory of what may have happened to the mysterious Ninth Legion, it's enough to make our list. 

[dickmovesinhistory]

Thomas Jefferson: Dick-laration of Indepen-dances With Wolves (Nailed It.)

Thomas Jefferson. Founding father, world-renowned writer, redhead.

He wrote a little ditty called the Declaration of Independence. He founded the University of Virginia. He was also the president of the United States of America, which many consider a real achievement even to this day.

But did you know he was responsible for the slaughter and displacement of thousands of Native Americans?

Yep. This atrocity is often falsely attributed to Andrew Jackson, but the first stirrings of ‘Indian Removal’ were in letters written by ol’ TJ between 1776 and 1779.

If you were to dig him up and ask him about it, he would say that his original intentions were to save them, and the only way to do that was to, you know, forcibly remove them from their homes that just happened to be in the way of...

But in a letter to Secretary of War Henry Dearborn, he wrote  "if we are constrained to lift the hatchet against any tribe, we will never lay it down until that tribe is exterminated, or driven beyond the Mississipi."

Real cute, Tom.

So why are we calling this guy a dick today? Obviously, the planned extermination of almost an entire race of people is at LEAST enough to be labeled a dick...

...but if instances like this count as parameters, then Jefferson and nearly all of his contemporaries would be considered Grade-A douchenozzles.  

Honestly, it’s his conciliatory attitude and general duplicitousness that appalls us in this instance. In another letter to William Henry Harrison, he divulged that he hoped to "get rid of this pest, without giving offence or umbrage to the Indians."

Right. Let’s kill them, but for heaven’s sake don’t tell them we’re going to do it.

You look great on a nickel, but that was such a 

[dickmovesinhistory]

Harry Frazee: Ruth-less

This is Harry Frazee:

He was a reknowned financier who purchased the Boston Red Sox in a shrewd business deal back in 1916.While under his ownership, the Red Sox won the World Series in 1918. Boston was like

Then, Harry Frazee made an INSANE decision to start selling off some of the better players on the team to the New York Yankees.

Well, Harry Frazee considered himself a cultured theatre-goer, and he was working on raising money to back a Broadway show.

This may have been understandable if it featured a huge Broadway star like...

...or if it was an interesting, or culturally important Broadway show like...

...or one with high earning potential like...hmmmm...let's see here... Oh, right:

...but it wasn't.

It was a 3-act farce called "My Lady Friends," which ran for 6 months, and closed. 

Meanwhile, back in Boston...

Beantown was TOTALLY PISSED OFF because Frazee had sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees to finance this venture.

Thus began what was known in league history as the "Curse of the Bambino," a superstition that many Bostonians believe prevented the team from winning another World Series...

...Until they FINALLY pulled it out in 2004.

But selling The Babe off to your biggest rival for a crappy play? That was a 

[dickmovesinhistory]

Teddy Roosevelt: Night at the Museum 3: This Guy was a Turd Face

Theodore “My Nickname Is Teddy” Roosevelt was the 26th president of the United States. He was sworn in in 1901 after William McKinley was assassinated.

He was the youngest president ever (only 42, ladiez!) and was well known for his outdoorsiness and robust masculinity.

He was the driving force behind the completion of the Panama Canal,

And he also negotiated an end to the Russo-Japanese War. He got a Nobel Peace Prize for doing that.

He is best known and remembered for his tireless efforts to conserve the United States’ National Parks and historic monuments, and our natural resources. Unless those natural resources were animals.

Yep, Teddy loved killing things. He was a big game hunter. After declining to run for presiden again, he took his first trip to Africa with his son, Kermit.

Yes, Kermit.

While there, they killed 512 animals. In a year. That’s more than an animal a day, even if it was a leap year.

Granted, this was before we realized that some animals are endangered and shouldn’t be hunted for sport.

But there’s also the argument that some of these animals wouldn’t BE endangered if Theodore Roosevelt hadn’t shot 512 of them in one calendar year.

[dickmovesinhistory]

Hans Geiger: German Vermin

This is Hans Geiger.

You may know him as the inventor of the Geiger Counter, which has been very helpful in keeping us all safe from radiation poisoning. Thanks, Hans.

He was a thoughtful, hard-working German, and moved from university to university throughout Europe, inspiring youths and perfecting his revolutionary invention.

After his time abroad, he returned to Berlin in 1936.

Shit was getting REAL weird in Germany.

And with Adolf Hitler's rise to power, it became increasingly clear that der Fuhrer was interested in recruiting scientists to advance their military technology.

Geiger composed a position paper urging the government to keep their noses out of science. The document was signed by 75 of Germany's foremost physicists. And, when he presented it to Hitler, he was all

And, I know at this point, we're all thinking

But wait...

Despite the fact that he was against governmental interference in his labratories, he was still loyal to the Nazi Party.

...and he turned several of his esteemed colleagues in to the authorities after he learned they were Jewish.

...even the ones that assisted him in creating and perfecting the invention that made him famous, and still bears his name.

Seriously, fuck you. That was an epic

[dickmovesinhistory]

Alfred Hitchcock: Them's Fightin' Birds.

This friendly-looking weirdo is famed filmmaker Alfred Hitchcock:

Hitchcock was a rare breed of filmmaker who managed to produce films and television specials that were both critically acclaimed as well as immensely popular.

In 1963, he cast model Tippi Hedren in her film debut, "The Birds," a psychological thriller about mankind's war with nature.

Many sources have reported that Hitchcock's interest in Hedren went beyond an admiration for her talent and was, in fact, a sexual obsession.

Hedren demurely rebuffed his many advances, which may have resulted in some dangerous tension between the director and his muse.

In one scene of the film, Hedren's character is savagely attacked by large, angry birds that unexpectedly enter her home through the chimney.

When she was briefed on the scene, the actress was told that mechanical birds would be used (to ensure her safety), but when she reported for work, she found herself trapped in a closed-off space with live, pissed-off birds.

Hedren was forced to endure take after take in the eye of a bird tornado. She was all

And the crew was all

But Hitchcock was mainly just all

Only after the actress's eye was nearly gouged out by one of the birds was the scene considered complete.

The movie was a huge success, but Hedren was not interested in continuing to work with the director again.

Unfortunately for her, she had signed an exclusive contract, and she was forced to star in another Hitchcock feature, 'Marnie.' After that, she attempted to break her contract, but Hitchcock was all

She wasn't able to do any outside work for the remainder of her contract, which deflated her ability to become the huge star she might have otherwise been.

No, Anne Hathaway: it isn't fair. It was a total

[dickmovesinhistory]

Ronaldinho: Rock n' Rolla Cola Wars

This is Ronaldhino.

You may know this Brazilian sparkplug as one of the greatest living soccer players.

If you're from the United States, you may be all

Either way, Ronaldhino is considered a hero and a great ambassador of the sport. 

He played for some time with Flamengo, a club team in the Brasileirao, but soon had contract disputes and sued the team for withholding his salary during his time there.

Ronaldhino needed some dough to tide him over in the meantime. Luckily, the folks at Coca-Cola heard the cry.

The soda magnate offered Ronaldhino as sweet $750,000-a-year contract so he would endorse the product internationally. He accepted whole-heartedly.

Everything was going so well for Ronaldhino. He was now playing for a new club and rolling deep in a Coke fortune.

...no, not that kind.

So why, if the folks at Coca-Cola had been so generous with him, would he ever, ever, ever go to a press conference and do something like this:

Needless to say, being photographed at a public press conference with Coke's primary competitor is a sure-fire way to have your contract terminated.

Ronaldhino? That was a 

[dickmovesinhistory]

John Douglas: The Picture of Door-ian GAY.

This guy, John Douglas, is the 9th Marquess of Queensberry:

You may know him from being an atheist when not believing in God was just starting to be cool (thanks, Nietzsche), or for naming formal rules for boxing after himself.

Unfortunately, he couldn’t spend all of his time merely shaking his fists menacingly toward gentlemanly opponents. He also led to beloved playwright Oscar Wilde to be imprisoned for homosexuality.

Yeah. Apparently he was peeved because Wilde was having an illicit relationship with Douglas’s son, Alfred.

Scandalous, we know. So one day he left a calling card (which is like, the 19th Century equivalent of a Ding-Dong Ditch) at Oscar’s place of residence that read: “For Oscar Wilde, Posing Sodomite.”

Although if we were Oscar Wilde, we wouldn’t realize we’d been insulted until someone translated that chicken scratch.

I mean, seriously. Take a handwriting class, dude.

Wilde began to sue Douglas for libel until his lawyers pointed out that it wasn’t libel. Because there were several male prostitutes that would attest to the fact that no one was making this stuff up. Because Wilde did, in fact, enjoy having sex with men.

But, seriously. Getting someone sent to jail by way of a calling card?

[dickmovesinhistory]

Sir Francis Drake: 99 Problems (But a Witch Ain't One)

Sir Francis Drake is a lauded hero in British history. Today actually marks the anniversary of the completion of his circumnavigation of the world. Good job, Drake!

Drake went on an expedition from Plymouth, England to Alexandria in 1577. He was accompanied by others: Thomas Doughty (a British aristocrat) and a few other dudes, including Drake's brother, Tom, who was kind of a f**k up.

Drake soon assumed the role of commander of the expedition, and they were off to seek their fortune.

After a little while at sea, Doughty caught Tom Drake stealing some of the loot from the communal cargo and hoarding it in his personal quarters. Doughty reported this to Sir Francis, who was like

This incident created a hostile rift between Sir Francis Drake and Doughty.

Drake, who (as master and commander) was given absolute power over the vessel and got tired of butting heads with Doughty. His solution? Accuse Doughty of something awful, like...

Yeah, that'll do. 

He blamed Doughty for the severe storm that the crew had to survive on their voyage, and charged him with mutiny and treason.

Yep. And then Sir Francis claimed that he had gotten a commission from Queen Elizabeth I allowing him to serve as Doughty's judge and jury...a document that he never produced.

Yep. Pretty sneaky.  On July 2, 1578, Thomas Doughty was beheaded for his purported crimes.

Drake and the rest of the crew returned to England, and the country rejoiced in his heroism and eventually named a bunch of stuff after him.

[dickmovesinhistory]

America, 1936: In Glory, Us Bastards.

Remember this image from a textbook in a chapter about Civil Rights?

That's Jesse Owens. He won four gold medals for the U.S. in the 1936 Olympics (which took place in Nazi-occupied Germany.) Yeah, he literally beat a bunch of racists.

Anyway, this was a HUGE win for America. When Owens arrived back in the States, New York City was nice enough to organize a totally amazing parade for him and his fellow athletes.

However, in order to get to the reception that was thrown in his honor at the Waldorf-Astoria hotel, he had to take a freight elevator instead of the main elevator.

Yep, they wouldn’t even make an exception in the case of an athlete that had just broken barriers and embarrassed the Gerries.

Oh, and that’s not the worst of it! It was (and is) customary that the President of the United States congratulate the Olympic victors upon their return. But of course Jesse Owens was snubbed. He was not contacted in any way by President Franklin Roosevelt, let alone invited to the White House.

It wasn’t until Dwight Eisenhower's presidency (nearly 20 years later) that Owens was honored with the title of “Ambassador of Sports.” Until Owens finally received that overdue recognition, he was reduced to racing against dogs and horses to make money.

In conclusion, America circa 1936:

[dickmovesinhistory]

Who is your favorite dick in world history?

I’m a little torn. There were plenty of historical bad guys, but a true historical dick is somebody that we all thought was cool…and then, as it turns out, wasn’t that cool all the time.

That said, though I’d like to choose somebody who is more-or-less evil incarnate like Henry VIII or Hitler or Amanda Bynes, I’ll have to say that my favorite dick in world history is Thomas Alva Edison.

Oh, Thomas Edison: you did so many dick things. I’m really looking forward to sharing some of your historic triumphs facepalms with the world!

How about you? Who are your favorite dicks in world history?

[dickmovesinhistory]

Mohandas Gandhi: Just Say No

In 1944, after an excruciating battle with pneumonia, Mohandas Gandhi refused to allow doctors to administer life-saving dosages of penicillin to his dying wife, Kasturba.

No, it's all good, it's all good: the Gandhi family practiced Ayurvedic healing techniques, so it's totally understandable that he didn't agree with the use of Western medicine.

Except for that time, just a couple of months after her death, when Mohandas contracted malaria and totally used quinine to treat it...

Yeah. Or that time he totally had appendicitis and allowed doctors to perform an appendectomy...

Tell me about it!