drowning-in-the-nothing

[drowning-in-the-nothing]

DЯØWИ

I thought I was over feeling like this

I thought I was feeling better than yesterday

I thought I was on the way back to happiness

Turns out my reassurance was only temporary

Looks like I’m just damned and destined

To constantly feel so

God

Damn

Helpless

I could have sworn I was back on the upswing

I could have sworn I was feeling myself again

I could have sworn I found a reason to smile

Turns out her sweet serenity was oh so fleeting

Looks like I’m just damned and destined

To constantly feel like I’m

God

Damn

Drowning

I wish I knew how to pull myself out of my head

I wish I knew someway to speed up time

I wish I knew of a way to restore her moonlight

Turns out deep down I’ve known it all along

Looks like I’m just damned and destined

To constantly push myself

God

Damn

Further

Kyle Stewart

8/12/24

[drowning-in-the-nothing]

IDWA

My thoughts have been murky and swirling

I’ve been spending all my days lost in my skull

It feels like I’m drowning within myself

Most of the time it’s bright

And sunny

And beautiful

Sometimes it’s dark

And brooding

And destructive

Occasionally it’s nothing

And withering

And hollow

The clouded thoughts blocking my head

Just like the clotted sanguine against the drain

With no bleach to flush the pipes clean

Stuck in a self-inflicted wallowing

That is meaningless and unnecessary

All of these swirling thoughts

I’ve come to realize this might be

Why I don’t write anymore

I don’t put the pen to parchment

Because I can’t keep my thoughts coherent

It’s a scrambled and unintelligible sloppy mess

Not worth the time or effort

To put into “Art” as some may call it

Kyle Stewart

9/12/24

[drowning-in-the-nothing]

im sorry. i know im too much but also not enough.

I am my own worst enemy

I am my own destruction

I am my own demise

I am my own demon

I will destroy myself upon my own sword

I will betray all those I hold dear in doing so

I will be my own Grim Reaper and Archangel

I will reduce my own world to naught but ash

I have lost myself in my own thoughts

I have lost all that I once vowed I needed

I have withdrawn myself from what I wanted

I have become that which I hated

Watch as I let Her down

Watch as the Fates laugh

Watch as I shatter her

Watch as I turn my back again

See the way I break myself down

See the way I know how toxic I am

See the way I can’t seem to commit

See the way I so easily self-sabotage

Notice the dying light in my eyes

Notice the death of Bliss on my lips

Notice the decayed love on my skin

Notice the falsified life in my step

Kyle Stewart

8/12/24

[drowning-in-the-nothing]

Where the Heart and Mind Collide

Chew on the bed of my nails ‘til they bleed

That’s the comfort I bring myself

When I’m lost in my head in the dark

When I’m lost in the place I shouldn’t be

Because I know I should know better by now

I hate the intrusive thoughts that plague me

But they devour the light within me

Smothering and extinguishing Phoenix pyres

In spite of the cherished words spoken

By that sugary Georgian accent moments ago

A mess, and I know that this is true

I don’t discredit your words or doubt your love

But my thoughts don’t allow me comfort or solace

And all because I’m of a different mindset—

An opposite alignment yet my heart is still yours

Raised Monog

But fallen for Poly

The complexities are vast

A tangled torturous web

Unsure how to navigate

All the swirling Empty—

All the confusing fear

Yet refusing to back down

Or abandon Her future embrace

As I am now firmly planted in Arizona soils

Kyle Stewart

8/12/24

[drowning-in-the-nothing]

(K)nts

I knew it wouldn’t be long before the Dark found me

My insecurities found me in the night

A sinking stone in my stomach tied around my heart

The fiery-winged bunny turned coward yet again

I’m so sorry I’m broken

I’m so sorry I’m fucked up

I’m so sorry I’m like this

I’m so sorry I’m a wreck

I’m so sorry I can’t fix me

I find myself obsessing over things that shouldn’t matter

Stuck in a spiraling loop of blackness

As if that Other’s presence mattered more

Than my text and voice across the distances

I should be overjoyed with Us

I should be focused on the good

I should be thinking about Our new Home

I should be convinced of my worth to you

I should be satisfied the Fates brought Us together

I just keep finding my thoughts fractured

A swirling acidic pit of fear in my head

A constant flood of images of you with Him—

All because He’s there and I’m not…

Maybe I’m not meant to live with Her

Maybe I’m not meant to keep what I promised

Maybe I’m not meant to take to the skies

Maybe I’m not meant to find where I belong

Maybe I’m not meant to be Her Phoenix Knight

Kyle Stewart

8/12/24

[drowning-in-the-nothing]

Phoenix Wings (Homeward Bound)

There’s a place not far from my cell

Yet so far beyond my trembling grasp

A land devoid of much vegetation

Forced to wait for the time to act

I bide my time in gut-wrenching silence

My heart panged for another’s embrace

An emotion that can’t be explained

Words failing my every attempt

A friendship turned serious

So quickly with unnerving ease

Neither soul expected the ensnaring sensation

Clinging to Hope, seventeen hundred miles apart

Friendship turned to an affair of longing

Neither dared to fight or restrain

All regrets and uncertainties lost to the dance

Trusting the Fates will set all into motion

Phoenix Wings gradually restored

With the promising heat of a Phoenix sun

Courage to go against the grain

Laid out by familial beliefs and teachings

The destined desire to do the unthinkable

To leave behind cornfields and wildflowers

Traded for dust storms and monsoons—

Replacing flowers with cacti and palms

Kyle Stewart

8/10/24

[drowning-in-the-nothing]

BREAKING (Down, Hearts, Away, Cycles)

I never in a thousand years expected this

Standing at the crossroads of frightening risk

My heart is heavy and my chest is tight

The burden is my own, the apex of my plight

The soothing warmth She brings is cherished

Her words and smile leave me embarrassed

Admittedly I know what is in my heart

If I am ever going to break apart

From that which has only broken me down

The courage and determination will be found

To bring an end to that which is toxic

And follow the path laid out by the Cosmic

Kyle Stewart

7/22/24

[drowning-in-the-nothing]

Moonlit Gardens

Sometimes the inexplicable grows suddenly

Moonbeam showers in the twinkling dusk

O’er the dew-kissed grasses and wildflowers

Lost amidst the darkness

And the gnashing fangs of cruelty and bitterness

A broken and discouraged shell

Crawling across jagged grounds

Belly exposed to the snares and thorns

That threaten to choke out the beautiful garden

That hollow shell desperately inches through

In hopeful search of the softly glowing blossom

The night-sapphire casting a misty borealis

Luring that defeated but vigilant soul ever closer

Silently beckoning with scent and sight alone

An enchanting treasure for the senses

Seducing and encouraging only one soul

Guiding towards the warm, velvet embrace

Of safety…

Of salvation…

Of love…

Of belonging…

Kyle Stewart

7/19/24

[drowning-in-the-nothing]

“Hello.”

A little cliche I know

All it took was the sugary, bubbly voice

She melted the ice that had been building

Tearing apart stitches carefully placed

Shredding the fractured heart

Stitching it back with iridescent blues

A subtle siren’s song to my ears

That damned music box through my phone’s speaker

Engulfing me entirely in her breathy murmur

Despite the 12-year-current sleeping in the bedroom

I'm drawn inexplicably to the New—

A wasteland of cacti and stretching highway between

They speak of falling at first sight

But no one knows the collapse at first listen—

The unknown explosion of stars in the chest

That rips the very breath from the lungs

Brought forth from something simple and innocent

Or the silent raging hailstorm that follows

Yet here I am, caught somewhere I never envisioned

Trapped between the current and familiar

And the beckoning sands of new promises

Deep and desperate desires lure

Into the scorching desert a day’s travel away

Abandoning verbal and emotional traumas from the Other

Kyle Stewart

7/16/24

[drowning-in-the-nothing]

TMtFA (One More Missed Chance)

Deep down I know

I’m breaking apart at the seams

Deep down I feel

I’m craving something I shouldn’t

Deep down I know

That this is wrong but I want it still

Deep down I feel

That this could just be growing from lust—

Lust in the sense of craving anything remotely physical

But not specifically or solely sexual

I want to feel flesh to flesh with someone

I want to hold someone and be held in return

I want to feel the sparks of something

That has been denied from me for so fucking damn long

Deep down I know

This could be nothing

Deep down I know

This could be greed

Deep down I can feel this growing

The gnawing desires building within

Despite how wrong it feels

Despite how guilty this weighs on me

I want my world to be torn asunder—

But deep down I know

I’m nothing but a hopeless coward

Who won’t act upon those feelings

It’ll just wash away in the summer rain

As another missed opportunity

Kyle Stewart

7/9/2024

[drowning-in-the-nothing]

S/C/R/A/T/C/H

I hate this need to feel wanted—

The incessant aching desire to feel appreciated

You tell me that you love me

Just before I slip out the door for work

Or before I lay my head down after I get home

But you do so little to show it

Words can only reach so far—

Even less without actions to back it up

You tell me that you love me

Although I think it’s just for show

You tell me you care about me

But what have you done to prove it

I’m sick to death of your voice these days—

Saying so much and doing next to nothing

You tell me that you love me

Despite your dismissive body language

And tell me I’m just being too serious

But those dejections only further my doubts

I don’t want to be loved anymore

It’s not enough for this tired, sad soul

I want to be craved in every fathomable way

I want to be the itch so deep under the skin

That no amount of scratching brings relief

I want to be wanted to the brink of obsession

Kyle Stewart

6/26/24

[drowning-in-the-nothing]

tugofwar

There’s this saying I’ve heard time and time again

That arguments are sign of a healthy relationship

Because it’s in those tiffs and disagreements

That there’s something worth fighting for in it

But in this game of tug of war—

The once constant vying for who’s right

I concede and retreat into silence

I’ve stopped fighting back with you

Not because I don’t have any fight left

But instead that you don’t show me it’s worth it

This—

Us—

Has become a plague on my heart

A festering in my gut

And the acidic bile regurgitated into my mouth

From the sheer disconnect and discontent

So no…

I won’t be arguing back anytime soon

I won’t be shouting back just for the sake of arguing

Because deep down I have become aware

This—

Us—

We are not worth fighting for any longer

You have shown me time and time again

You are in love with the IDEA of me—

The idea of love

However you do not know how to express it

And you are too damn stubborn to learn—

Too callous and perhaps afraid to allow it inside

Once upon many moons ago

I loved you deeply and wholly

Loved you in ways I could not fathom

I tried so hard and for so long

But my words and promises

They fell on uncertain and unyielding ears

Instead met with the cold steel of dismissal

Dejected and rejected anything close to intimate

So no…

I won’t be trying to hold you close at night

I’ll keep the twelve-inches of space between us

That slowly grew over time these last few years

One can only keep trying for so long

Before they run out of steam and willpower

I have met my match in this duel

And you are the victor this time

Because I kneel before you here and now

A crushed and broken and defeated man

Accepting my fate of a wounded heart

A tortured love torn asunder to shreds

By your refusal to give even an inch

In this, our game of Tug of War…

Kyle Stewart

6/10/24

[drowning-in-the-nothing]

Crackling of Static

Deep within recessed and regressed emotions

There’s an incessant buzzing trapped in bone

Longing and deep restrained desires dying

Within the broken cage surrounding the pulse

The lifeblood craves and screams for release

Stained steel remains tucked safely away

Denying the spilling of the crimson tears

Keeping to the silent promises given years ago

Even as the sun sets and rises again anew

Those vows are firmly refrained from breaking

No matter how deep the need stings and burns

The crackling static boiling and surging

Rippling, snaking through tunnels under flesh

The will refuses to bend and break or crack

Resolve holding desperately onto hope

For the vehement ache to be embraced tight

The crippled soul begging for any affection

Anything beyond the tattered veil of dismissal

The cold and numbing waters of the ocean

Offers a warmer caress than a pillow-top tomb

Searching for something so strongly disarming

Knees buckle, ribcage heaves and shudders

The liquid crystalline pearls stream down

Cascading as inconsolable, searing waterfalls

Kyle Stewart

5/15/24

[drowning-in-the-nothing]

STILL(drowning)SILENT

The darkness is back to swallowing me up

Stuffing me down it’s pitch black gullet

Like I’m some cheap Vore slut

I try to struggle against the teeth and claws

But nothing’s working and I just keep sinking

I know that I need help—

I don’t need beaten down with the guilt

But no matter how many times I try

I back out or subconsciously forget

I’m just destined to always be a fucking mess

This isn’t ever going to get better

I’m never going to get better

And I’m pretty sure

I’m too fucking scared to actually end my life

So I’ll just silently suffer

Hiding behind my phone screen

Because this is the life and love I deserve

Kyle Stewart

5/5/24

[drowning-in-the-nothing]

Riskitól

So I finally found the gall and put it out there

Told Her the truth about what I’ve been feeling

Confessed what all our talks have produced

Told Her about the whirlwind of butterflies

That Her voice—

Her laugh—

All the little things She says and does

Have stirred up in this hungry heart of mine

I took the risk and took the dive head first

Careless and haphazardly into the dark

Not knowing how She might take it

Or how She might be feeling

Taking a chance in spite of the unknown

Between these forty-seven hundred miles

Kyle Stewart

1/17/24

[drowning-in-the-nothing]

Blossoms of Winter

I tried to deny what I knew was tolling

Tried to ignore what the talks were sowing

Only took a few short months to start growing

Still I hid and refused to believe it was showing

Now here I am in the silence of my folding

Little blossoms appearing despite the snowing

Red poppies unyielding to my holding

Blooming in spite of the distance of Poland

Kyle Stewart

12/20/23

[drowning-in-the-nothing]

może

Damn these miles and miles of empty blue

The rippling liquid salt between landmasses

The rolling tides and crashing waves

The roaring whispers of distant seafoam

That echos within the twinkling starlit sky—

The midnight canvas that swallows the Earth

Just before the blinding, scorching giant rises

Engulfing the surface world with its bright glow

The silent pendulum swings and sand falls

The Luna becomes Sol, then Luna again

Yet still remain no closer to that shoreline

Maybe the future will reveal a way

To defy and push beyond these zones…

Kyle Stewart

12/15/23