eclecticvalor

[eclecticvalor]

7 Things I experience as a DID System. Mental Health Awareness Month.

In light of May being America’s mental health awareness month, I wanted to talk about something that has consumed my entire life for the past year and a half: Treatment and healing from a disorder that is stigmatised into the ground by poor representation and misunderstandings both socially and in the medical field. Those who are close to me know first hand how my symptoms and experiences have shaped the way I interact with the world since starting treatment, but aside from my closest friends and family, and the people I live with, I don’t normally talk about the fact that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, and what that means to me. 

Hi. My name is Atlas, some people call me Cadyn, and I am the primary host of 26 fragmented parts of my consciousness. I am not dangerous, none of my parts or alters are dangerous, and no, it is not like “Split”. 

Dissociative Identity Disorder is a trauma based dissociative disorder listed in both the DSM IV and V,  and is recognized as an uncommon disorder characterized by two or more distinct personality states existing within the same consciousness. These personality states come to be when natural childhood development is disrupted by severe, continued, or repetitive, trauma, the child has a natural inclination towards heavy dissociation, and a lack of adult or parental support to develop the means to cope with the things happening to them.

Unfortunately popular mental health media has seen an uptake in people viewing DID as a quirky “trait”, the ability to have functional imaginary friends living in your head... but in reality DID is a lot darker, a lot scarier, and isn’t something I’d wish upon my worst enemy. Because of this media spike I wanted to share 7 things that living with Dissociative identity disorder means to me

1. Amnesia

Living with DID means that I miss out on a lot of my life. A primary symptom of DID is amnesia. I have no solid memories before the age of 13, and the memories I do have are often skewed, incorrect, or completely false as my brain fought for a way to fill in gaps and cope with the loss of memory. I forget a lot, and not just things like forgetting where I left my wallet and keys, or forgetting the day - those do happen, but I also mean forgetting big things, important life experiences and things I wish with all my being that I could remember like my highschool graduation and my wedding reception. 

I often forget important day to day things that make it difficult to maintain life as an adult, like doctors appointments, work schedules, meetings, and important daily tasks. I’ll forget that I’ve eaten at all that day and risk going days without eating, or overeating due to having no recollection of the last time I’d eaten. I forget birthdays (especially my own), anniversaries, and important holidays. 

To an outsider, who has no idea what’s happening inside my head, this can come across as though I’m thoughtless or unreliable. That I am cold for forgetting an important date, or simply that I just don’t care when this very much is not the case. 

2. Alienation

Oftentimes DID comes with a sense of alienation from people who you’re supposed to know. For me a really clear example of this is when I previously mentioned my childhood memories being skewed - I have a clear memory of a conversation I was having with some blood relatives a few years back in which I mentioned that one family member I had happy childhood memories of, and remembered playing together as kids, but with another family member they were practically a stranger to me. I had, and still have, no memories of ever spending time with them growing up, no memories of having any kind of relationship with them at all. My understanding of our relationship was that it was “forced” because we were family and our parents expected us to exist in the same space as we grew up, but that we never talked. But I was informed by a separate member of the family that I was very wrong, and this “stranger” was actually someone I had been close to growing up. This is a common experience with DID patients, and also a very frustrating one. It creates feelings of “You know me but I don’t know you”, and it’s extremely difficult to trust your own judgement of the people you know, because you often can’t tell if your judgement is skewed by your memories or lack thereof. 

3. PTSD and Flashbacks

A diagnosis of C-PTSD (Or complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is required for a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder. This means that while the individual symptoms of DID can be frustrating, scary and sometimes depressing, the most difficult aspect of DID, and the most important to focus on in treatment is the PTSD symptoms. 

PTSD symptoms in DID can be extremely powerful due to the additional dissociative aspect. This can mean that for a lot of DID patients, flashbacks can produce full blown body sensations, hallucinations and terrifying delusions. This is One thing that I find incredibly difficult to talk about, but I also believe is extremely important to understand. It can be embarrassing, shameful and while I only speak for myself in saying this, can cause a lot of guilt and grief. There have been times where I have been experiencing powerful flashbacks and did not recognize my own husband, resulting in lash outs and fear towards him being delusioned into thinking that he was out to hurt me, or had harmful intent for just existing in the same space as I was. 

For me, a single wiff of a familiar smell, hearing a sound, a certain color, an idea, a name, a passing thought or comment can throw my previously stable mental state into one of pure panic, hyperventilation, hallucination, delusion, fight-flight-freeze and reactionary responses. Through treatment I’ve developed adaptive and healthy coping skills and management responses but trauma responses can be so quick, and so unexpected that I don’t always have time to process my coping skills before my body and mind respond in negative ways. 

4. Decision making and skewed Behavior

Because living with DID, means living with a shared or fragmented consciousness, this often means that while I may not remember, my life is still being lived during my time of memory loss. Alters or parts will take control and operate my body, reacting to things, interacting with people, completing tasks and functioning. But oftentimes parts who take control are very different from myself, and make choices and decisions that I wouldn’t normally make, and sometimes decisions I wouldn’t *ever* make. An example of this is the fact that technically I am a conservative voter, despite myself as an individual having leftist or NDP views, or decisions to leave or apply for jobs and work positions that I have no interest in, or that I don’t even have the qualifications or physique to do, or leaving ones that I personally loved and excelled at. This also reflects a lot in everyday life in more subtle things, decisions like what food to eat, things to buy, activities to do shift between parts while they’re in control. 

To outsiders this can look a lot like impulsivity, lack of self-control, or lack of a sense of identity. This is a huge reason why a lot of DID patients are often misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder because the behaviour between alters can be so drastically different that it can look a *lot* like manic or depressive states. 

5. Denial and Dismissing Trauma

A very common experience among DID patients is denial and being dismissive or disregarding the things that happened to them. I often find myself in a state of questioning whether my symptoms, my disorder, and even my trauma were ever real to begin with. In therapy I find myself saying “It’s not that big of a deal” or “It wasn’t that big of a deal” more times than I’m actually saying anything productive. A huge part of this is why I wanted to make this list, because the media, and a lot of medical circles deny that DID exists or believe it’s impossibly rare and those, while both false, can cause intense feelings of “Maybe I’m just doing this for attention”. DID is a very real, very difficult disorder to diagnose, to treat, and to live with disorder, and while it is uncommon, statistics show that approximately 1-2% of western population is diagnosed, and up to a suspected 7% are living with the disorder undiagnosed because of these misconceptions. It is not common, and it’s not something that everyone is going to have, but it is a very possible response to very real trauma and is a valid diagnosis to give to those meeting the criteria. 

6. Hidden Symptoms

DID is often referred to as a “covert” presenting disorder. What this means is that most commonly outsiders, friends, family, employers and even the patient themselves can have a nearly impossible time recognizing the symptoms, and it often goes unnoticed until an event destabilizes the function of the person’s life. This can lead to a lot of backlash or denial coming from peers and family close to the person. This leads to the patient hearing a lot of:  “I’ve never noticed personality changes”, “You don’t act like you have it”, “You couldn’t possibly have that”, “No, I would have noticed”, “You have to be mistaken”, “There’s no way, it would have been obvious”. And so, so much more. The reality of DID is that it’s *not* noticeable. It’s a safety response that the brain created to protect the psyche from the intense damages that come with long term trauma experiences, so it’s often designed to hide itself from abusers or perceived threats as a way to compartmentalize trauma memories and maintain the ability to survive through stress and unstable situations. Not being able to “notice” is kind of the point in most cases.

 7. Wandering and Dissociative Episodes

Living with untreated or unmanaged DID can potentially be dangerous due to episodes of dissociation, “wandering” experiences (where the patient will wander away from home, family, or life in a confusion, attempt to return to a perceived life never lived, or in a state of belief that their current life is unsafe). For me this took a head last year, and was actually an event that led to the solidification that this disorder was the explanation to my experiences. According to nurses and my husband, I had wandered into the emergency room of a hospital in the middle of the night, with no idea who or where I was, with no idea how to return home, or even where home was. I was wearing a t-shirt, and it had been raining, and my body was so cold they needed to retake my vitals nearly 6 times because they were unable to get an appropriate reading. After discovering my identity, my husband was called to take me home. Working with a therapist helped to develop a safety plan during events like this to prevent harm from coming to my body, or from ending up in newly traumatic environments, but I was lucky. These situations can lead to re-traumatization, victimization, it can lead to kidnapping, assault, it can lead to being injured or harmed by environmental factors and so much more and it is so incredibly important that DID patients work with their therapist to develop solid safety plans proactively to make sure that the patient doesn’t experience any worst case scenarios during episodes like this. 

Conclusion

My experiences are individual to me, and to my psyche. Not everyone will experience the disorder the same way, because not everyone experiences or responds to trauma the same way. I am so lucky, and extremely privileged to be able to access consistent care and treatment, that I found a professional who trusts me, and is focused on stabilizing and supporting. Too many people living with this disorder have no access to supportive mental health care because of the misconceptions that parts of the medical field hold regarding the legitimacy or frequency that the disorder develops, and too many peers and circles of people outcast or disregard the very real, very difficult experiences because they don’t understand the disorder, or believe it doesn’t exist, or believe it looks like split. If you, or someone you know is struggling with Dissociative symptoms, or dissociative identity disorder do not be afraid to reach out to a professional for support, and educate yourself on the reality of the disorder. 

[eclecticvalor]

did/osdd is not on any level an equal to lgbt+. it just isnt. you cant say “sysmed” like its equal to transmed. you cant say “pluralphobe” like its transphobe or homophobe. these things are not the same.

but you cant ARGUE or explain anything to people who do believe they are the same because you are seen through the lens of “oppressor” when really, you are the oppressed.

and im going to say it: i think we need to stop using the word sysmed towards ourselves, even jokingly or in reclaimation. stop entertaining this idea of equivocating lgbt+ oppression to syscourse and instead start shutting it down.

[eclecticvalor]

[eclecticvalor]

me @ me: please do your fucking homework

me: no homework only sad

[eclecticvalor]

It’s okay to talk about your triggers if you want to. 

My trauma taught me that keeping secrets kept me safe. I’m trying to unlearn that, so I don’t like seeing posts telling me that I have to keep my triggers a secret or else abusers will hurt me. That’s scary. 

Nobody is going to hurt me just because I don’t keep my triggers a secret. 

I don’t have to keep secrets just because somebody might hurt me if I don’t. 

If somebody does try to hurt me, I can do something about it. 

[eclecticvalor]

[eclecticvalor]

between the 2050s and the 2080s, there is likely going to be a wave of funerals with weird, inappropriate music choices.

[eclecticvalor]

Forest Fires

Disclaimer: This is a creative writing piece based off of a “song of the day” prompt given by write-it-motherfuckers. this is not a depiction of my personal reality. 

Prompt Information Song title: Forest Fires Artist: Lauren Auqilina

CW: This is a creative writing piece from the point of view of a friend writing a letter to a recently deceased friend. TW: Abuse, death, depression, regret and intense guilt. 

Dear Liam,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more, I couldn’t live up to the potential you always saw in me. The thing is, since the day I met you, I dreamed of being in your shoes, even if only for a moment. You were already everything you told me I could be, everything I never believed I was. You were brave, and strong. You carried your passions on your shoulders and used your insecurities as bridges to walk over harsh waters. You danced in the rain, you sang like no one was around to hear you, and you loved as if you’d never felt pain. 

I dreamed of being like you, of being you. I dreamed of having the strength to walk away from everything that chained me. I wanted that fearlessness that came so naturally to you. You offered to show me how, but I pushed you away. I shouldn’t have pushed you away.

You once told me that you wished you could be like me, that you saw more strength in me than you’d ever seen in a human before. I laughed. To me, I was quiet, and scared of my own shadow. I was too afraid to take your hand when you reached out to me. I should have gone with you, that day. I should have ran away with you. If I could go back in time, I would take you by the hand the first day I met you and travel the world with you. I would eat weird cakes I couldn’t pronounce the name of, and swim in the clearest waters. I would stand on the edge of cliffs and let the world make me feel tiny. I would have let you show me what it felt like to live the way you did. 

I had no idea back then, that people who live the way you do, do so because they’re fighting the crushing realization that their time is limited. I keep trying to comb through my memories, trying to find a time that maybe you’d tried to tell me, but I don’t think you did, or maybe I just didn’t listen. You always told me I was a horrible listener. God, if only you’d just shaken me. Grabbed me, told me in a way that would force me to remember, force me to realize. I wish so fucking badly that I’d realized. 

I know you’ll never read this, so part of me has no idea why I’m writing it. You never believed in heaven and I still don’t know what I believe. But I guess a part of me wants to believe that you’re out there somewhere, even if I can’t see you. I want to feel your arms around me again. I want to feel the whole world shake with your laughter. Just one more time. Just one more time. 

I should have been louder, I should have been everything I wasn’t, and I’m so sorry. I am so sorry I wasn’t there. This is something I’m going to be apologizing for my entire life. If you thought I was too moody before, you’d be downright ashamed of me now. But you were my excitement, and now that you’re gone I don’t even know if I remember what that word means anymore. 

I’m rambling, I know. I wanted to let you know… they got him. He’s locked away. He can’t hurt you anymore. He took everything away from you, but he’s gone now. I guess one thing I can take solace in is knowing that if there is a heaven, you’re there, and you will never have to fucking see him again because he wont be. You’re safe now. 

I miss you, Liam, more than words can accurately explain. 

I’ll see you soon. 

Love, Nadia.

[eclecticvalor]

Valentina deserved better.

[eclecticvalor]

Waynosh: What time is it?

Ronan: I don’t know let’s find out. *starts playing the trumpet.*

Dayleworth: WHO ON EARTH IS PLAYING A TRUMPET AT 3 AM!?

Ronan: It’s 3 AM.



[eclecticvalor]

Who else shipped Hellman x MacAlister in Ships of the Northern Fleet?

When we talk about the Queerbaiting in tv shows we never hear about HellMac!

All of those scenes where Hellman and Mac were so queercoded!

They even had that infamous scene where they heavy implied that they slept together! But they were cowards and never confirmed it!

[eclecticvalor]

I’ve been rly wanting to rewatch sotnf again, but I can’t find it anywhere :( where is my childhood???

[eclecticvalor]

Not to start Minecraft discourse on main but pumpkin pie should be displayable like cake

[eclecticvalor]

Sun Magic & The Elements

Sun and air magic: 🌤

🌼Drink lavender (air) and chamomile (sun) tea

🔆spend time outside enjoying the wind, fresh air, and sunlight

🌼keep a fan with you to keep cool during hot days

🔆keep a stone that correspondes with both air and sun like citrine, opalite, and clear quartz

You can charge a clear quartz with the wind and sunshine to capture them and keep them close

🌼try working with solar faeries (because faeries = air element)

🔆give thanks to the sun for giving life to flowers and plants, and then thank the plants for giving us oxygen and clean air

🌼 mix sage, lavender, lemon, and orange together as a sunny air witch essential oil blend

🔆keep you altar near or on a window so it can get sunshine and fresh air

🌼try cloud scrying!

🔆use sky, cloud, bee, and sun imagery

Sun and water magic:🌅

*my personal favorite combination, and also basically my entire craft*

💧appreciate rainbows (they’re a combo of sunlight and water)

🌞 spend time outside in a sunny place near water, such as a beach or riverside

💧drink citrus infused water to stay hydrated, or eat popsicles to stay cool

🌞make your own sea salt by letting sea water evaporate in the sun

💧use orange or yellow colored sea shells

🌞drink pineapple (sun) and blueberry (water) tea (this tea is amazing and teavanna makes it!)

💧try scrying with light bouncing off water

🌞make a sunny water witch essential oil blend with lemon (sun and water), rosemary (sun and water), eucalyptus(water), and cedarwood (sun and water)

💧take a solar bath

🌞carry stones like clear quartz, blue quartz, opalite, and scolecite that corresponds with both

You can charge a clear quartz in sunlight and seawater to capture both energies

💧let water and ice cool you off on a hot day

🌞fill a shallow bowl with marbles and water and set it outside for bees (little hardworking sun gods&goddesses😂) to drink

💧make sun water or rainbow water

🌞use rainbows, dolphins, crabs, goldfish, light bouncing off water, and sunny beach imagery

Sun and earth magic:🌄

🌎try a sun grounding meditation

🔅give thanks to the sun for giving life to plants

🌎spend time outside, observing the sunshine through trees and leaves, and observing the beautiful combination of the life giving energies of sunlight and earth

🔅grow a solar garden

🌎carry tigers eye with you! It correspondes with earth as well as the sun

🔆drink citrus (sun) green tea (earth) or cinnamon (sun) and blackberry (earth) tea (both are excellent for grounding)

🌎dry herbs and plants in the sunlight

🔅use honey in your craft and help bees when you can

🌎use solar plants in your craft

🔅charge your rocks and crystals in sunlight

🌎make a sunny earth witch essential oil blend by combining patchouli (earth), mint( earth), bergamot (sun) and pine (both)

🔅make a sun catcher out of leaves, pressed flowers, and sticks

🌎try scrying with sun patterns through trees/leaves

🔆use citrus peels as fertilizer for your plants

🌎use sunny forest/hills/mountain, sun shining through leaves, and solar animal imagery

Sun and fire magic:🏜

☀️spend time outside (especially 12 pm, when the suns at its hottest) and enjoy the heat and warmth of the sun

🔥drink chai tea or black tea with ginger, cinnamon and cloves

☀️make solar candles

🔥carry stones like red jasper, carnelian, and goldstone

☀️use plants like cactus

🔥make this solar&fire witch bottle

☀️do some solar art (check out @artwitchpath sun art series)

🔥make a sunny fire witch essential oil blend by combining cinnamon, orange, clove, and lemon essential oil

🔥use desert imagery

[eclecticvalor]

New Witches: IMPORTANT Tip

Research everything before doing it. Ensure a practice is not closed before doing it. Ensure a tool or item is not closed before doing it. Make sure to only rely on sources who are part of the culture the practice is from.

When something is "closed," this means it is specific to a culture and/or practice, and anyone outside of that culture should not use it. In some cases, someone who is part of the culture can invite you to use that practice, but not often. And don't beg them to either.

"But shouldn't we be sharing?" No. BIPOC cultures have no obligation to share anything. Not after the millennias of oppression, genocide, and worse.

Stealing more of their cultures is racist. It is oppressive. It is perpetuating colonization. Do. Not. Do. It.

When in doubt, don't do it. Find some other way to achieve your goals.

[eclecticvalor]

Katfedora

[eclecticvalor]

Just so we’re all clear: psychosis is a relatively common human experience. Psychosis is a state of mind that results in difficulties determining what is real and what is not. Anyone can experience psychosis given the right conditions, such as: lack of sleep, stress, sustance abuse, falling asleep/waking up, recent death of a loved one, etc.

Being psychotic is when you have a mental health condition that causes ongoing episodes of psychosis. If you hallucinate once or twice then you are not psychotic. Everyone experiences psychosis differently, you don’t have to hallucinate to be psychotic you can also experience delusions. Some psychotic people are constantly experiencing psychosis, some have random episodes, some have specific triggers, some have psychosis when experiencing negative emotions or other mental illness symptoms. Some psychotic people know when they are hallucinating/experiencing delusions, some do not, some have a mixture of believing their symptoms are real or not. Not all psychotic people are schizophrenic, psychosis can occur in lots of different mental illnesses like bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, schizotypical personality disorder, schizoid personality disorder, paranoid personality disorder, PTSD, depression and many more. You likely know a psychotic person, you interact with psychotic people everyday. We are not some vague other, we are your friends, your family, your classmates, your teachers, your coworkers, the cashier at the grocery store, the repairman fixing your car, the receptionist answering your phone calls. You often can’t tell someone’s psychotic by looking at them. All psychotic people deserve to be taken seriously.

Psychotic people have a very different experience than yours, in more ways than you’d think. Please listen to us and take our experiences seriously. We experience a unique type of ableism in all aspects of life. Never ever call the police on a psychotic person. Never ever get angry at someone expressing their symptoms or try to force them to see reality from your perspective. Never ever deny someone their basic autonomy due to their psychosis. We are still humans deserving of respect.