fckinglooser

[fckinglooser]

i am really fcked up, and i mean it

i think we are together, and i am super happy about it but often have this feeling - wait, is it like for real? does he really like me that much? why does he - i am an awful person after all

and when i am chatting w/him i feel like i am on cloud 9; he is so funny, inteligent, charming, so sweet, innocent yet teasing - just like, he is, a wholesome, the best person i could've imagined to befriend

but i wouldnt be me if i wasnt depressed, and so i often put dark humour where in fact, is no place for it; and so i make a lot of our conversations about me, more specifically how fcked up am i and my stupid life, my relations w/other ppl (dad mostly), my illnesses, struggles, thoughts... and then i want to apologise so much for saying all these nasty, stupid things - i feel super guilty saying these things to him, firstly because he makes me smile, he is such a positive creature, with a big heart, secondly becasue i dont want him to feel like he is my therapist, a person i tell all the bad stuff and expect them to say sth nice, sth that will make be happy again - no, thats not what a relationship is anout, thirdly, i dont want to worry him, he is older than me, and so sometimes i have this feeling he may treat me like a child - i am scared that our relationship will remind the relationship i have w/my father: he is controlling everything i do and always has to have a last thing to say, he is always right, and you cannot have your own opinion; i don't see him like i see my dad, but it still scares me a bit sth like this might happen; and i really dont want to, i tend to overcontrol some things when i feel like someone is invading my space too much...

and so, becasue of these dark thoughts i share with him, i think of myself as of a vampire which takes everything from this poor sweet boy of mine - and i feel terrible about it; i want to be his best friend, someone he can always rely on, who he can trust, joke around, feel comfortable with; but yet, i feel like the reason for his worries, sad thoughts and just basically all the bad shiet in his life - like i am the source of bad in his life since the moment we met

i really like him, i think i might have never liked anyone like him before, but i sometimes, especially, on such bad days as today (which btw tend to happen more often now...) have this feeling that i dont deserve him, or maybe this way: he, the beautiful mind, smile and everything about him, doesnt deserve to be near, not to say with, someone who is constantly having bad/suicidal thoughts, have several mental illnesses, self harms, hate themselves and many more... i feel responsible for seeing him sad, for seeing him worry about me - the last thing i want to do is to make him feel this way! but yet, i do this all the time, everyday i say sth sad, bad, dark, that changes the flow of our texts/words, and i feel so terrible about it; i dont want him to be with someone who is so depressive, who cannot takr care of himself, who cannot manage his own life and his problems - he doesnt deserve that, he deserves all the best the world has; he went through a lot himself, so there is no need to be a nanny/couch/whatever to someone else, which is me

and so, i thought today - maybe i self harm and have this bad thoughts because i want to prevent him from being around me? cause i dont want him to feel bad, and later on be hurt by me? maybe all of this is in my unconsciousness - i want him to see how bad, cruel, destructive i really am, and so that he can cut me out, run away before i hurt him? i guess it all makes more sense now...

---

i dont know why, maybe because i am to scared to tell him this face to face, cause i will see his sad face and hear him saying: 'Anteeek, please, dont say that'; cause i am such a coward, a looser, not a man, that i am scared? and so, a part of me really hopes that he would stalk me on sm and find this stupid, depressive tumblr of mine, and he will read it, and that he will see how i really am - sad, destroying, with huge trust issues and self hate - and that he will realise that i am no good, and he should cut me out before i do sth i will regret that will hurt him

so please, my sweet boy, find this stupid blog of mine, read this text and do what there is to do - end it all

[fckinglooser]

today was even worst than yesterday...

yeeey :)

[fckinglooser]

:)

[fckinglooser]

[fckinglooser]

i never thought one could be depressed

and have 'bad' thoughts while liking someone so much

and thinking about them non-stop

and smiling to oneself just randomly

everytime you think anything about them

i really have the 'bad' thoughts;

the 'light' ones about cutting or hurting myself

as well as those 'darker' about ending it all before we move it to reality

and see each other for the first time

and touch

our hands

maybe even lips...

its all too much

i've never really been in love

cause i never really bonded with anyone like that

and i mean it

the others were just crushes

one was a tragic one, so fcking platonic it almost killed me

but now?

when its all almost in my hand?

when i can see it so vividly?

almost touch it?

its too much

i am so

soooo fucking scared

of everything;

getting hurt

being broken-hearted

him telling me he doesnt feel the way i do

or him telling me he do feel just like i do

but i will never be sure,

cause i cannot trust people...

and then, the thoughts come with even greater force,

like a thousand times

every

single

time

that it wouldnt work out

cause it probably wont...

[fckinglooser]

[fckinglooser]

I'm so used to this

[fckinglooser]

Don’t mind me I’m just on here to✨trigger myself✨

[fckinglooser]

yup,

[fckinglooser]

thats so annoying. but at the same time just not important at all. like, i feel no one rlly understands me

and i dont know what the fck is wrong w me but sometimes i just would like to post sth on social media and be visible. is it that selfish and stupid? probably yes

and i dont even know if it makes me feel better. for almost 100 percent no. but i still wanna do it. why am i so fcking pathetic? guess it is just the way i was made to be - lonely sad frustrated not understood and also seeking for some visibility? da fck! whyyyyy?? i am so introverted that it seems so baaad that i want someone to notice. idk if me, or more the person i want to be seen as...

thats so fck up

and ofc i know no one will read it anyway...

[fckinglooser]

cant have anyone listen to me, even in this anonymous internet shieet

why am i such a pathetic looser?

idk better ask my brain cause sometimes i feel it lives on its own

[fckinglooser]

[fckinglooser]

me: *cuts myself*

2 minutes later

me: *gets mad that it won’t stop bleeding*

[fckinglooser]

fcking

LooneLy

Lost

Lame

and

suicidaL